Scott Murray's Blog, page 173

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THE LATEST NEWS FROM THE EUROPEAN QUALIFIERS (DON’T WORRY, THE PREMIER LEAGUE IS BACK IN A FEW DAYS)

The Euro qualifiers have been a blast for the five teams representing Great Britain and Ireland. Dominant Norn Iron strolled to their first major finals since 1986 with ease. Confident Wales qualified for their first big tournament since 1958 with such insouciance that they could afford to stand around not bothering to react while Bosnia-Herzegovina pinged goals into their net. The Republic O’Ireland beat world champions Germany with a goal that made erstwhile boss Jack Charlton look like Pep Guardiola. And Scotland acquitted themselves well too, conceding just the one against Gibraltar at Hampden, so well done to everyone involved with that.

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Bosnia-Herzegovina v Wales: Euro 2016 qualifier – as it happened

Wales were beaten in Zenica, but celebrate anyway as Israel’s defeat ensures their passage to a first major finals since 1958!

9.51pm BST

To tie up the loose ends, then. Here are tonight’s results in Group B:

Andorra 1-4 Belgium
Bosnia-Herzegovina 2-0 Wales
Israel 1-2 Cyprus

9.47pm BST

A crazy atmosphere in Zenica, as the first manager to guide Wales to a major finals since the legendary Jimmy Murphy in 1958 is thrown into the air by his jubilant squad. Wales might have lost their way in the second half tonight, Bosnia-Herzegovina the deserved winners of the match, but Chris Coleman’s side have earned their qualification over the piece. It’s been a brilliant campaign. “The best loss of my life,” smiles Gareth Bale. “It doesn’t stop here.” Next stop, then, France. Well, technically, it’s a party back home against Andorra in a couple of days, but you know what I mean.

9.42pm BST

Chris Coleman talks to Sky, as behind him, his entire squad slide hysterically across the wet turf on their nipples! “I thought we did enough to get something out of the game. I was gutted at the end. I didn’t know the other result. But now we do! I can’t explain to you how it feels. I’m disappointed because we lost ... but the campaign’s been an absolute dream!”

9.39pm BST

Wales have lost. But who will care? Because Israel have been beaten 2-1 by Cyprus. Chris Coleman trudges across the turf, feeling the misery of defeat, but suddenly bursts into a sprint as he hears the news from Jerusalem! It’s party time in Zenica ... and the hosts are pretty happy too, as their play-off chances are very much alive!

9.37pm BST

90 min +3: Bale flings a throw into the mixer from the left. Ramsey tries to dance through a thicket of legs. He can’t make it through.

9.36pm BST

90 min +2: The full-time whistle has gone in ... Andorra. Belgium have won 4-1.

9.36pm BST

90 min +1: There will be three added minutes. One elapses without incident.

9.35pm BST

The ball’s sent in from the right. Ibisevic, levels with the right-hand post, shoots but shanks it left. Duric gathers at the left=hand post, and fires a low ball across the front of the Welsh goal. Ibisevic rushes in to bundle over the line. It’s up to Cyprus now for Wales! Fortunately for them, they’re 2-1 up.

9.34pm BST

89 min: Pjanic shoots from distance. The ball balloons off Richards’ leg and out for a corner. From which ...

9.33pm BST

88 min: Bale shoots from the edge of the box but the ball is deflected wide right for a corner. The set piece is lumped into the area. Williams rises on the penalty spot, and sends a header flashing straight at Begovic. The keeper, managing the clock in the way professionals do, drops to the floor awhile.

9.31pm BST

86 min: Another Wales long ball. Church chests it down on the edge of the area. Edwards looks for the top right but hooks it well wide.

9.30pm BST

85 min: Sunjic is booked for timewasting. Meanwhile Wales make a double-switch, hooking Allen and Robson-Kanu and sending on Church and Edwards.

9.29pm BST

84 min: Ramsey is booked for a flick on Salihovic.

9.28pm BST

82 min: ... Cyprus have reclaimed the lead in Jerusalem! They’re 2-1 up, and once again Israel require two goals to deny Wales their dream! It’s good news for Bosnia-Herzegovina too, as if things end as they are, they’re ahead of Israel in the battle for the play-offs!

9.26pm BST

81 min: A long ball down the middle. Vokes cushions a header to the left, where Bale has space to control and line up a shot. He looks to thread one into the bottom-right corner. It’s just wide right of goal. But then there’s a MASSIVE cheer. Because ...

9.24pm BST

79 min: Lulic slips a ball across the face of the Welsh area from the left. Salihovic has time and space to shoot, and Wales can be thankful that he shanks an awful first-time effort miles wide right.

9.23pm BST

78 min: Bale, in space down the left, loops a long one for Ramsey on the right-hand edge of the D. Ramsey meets it first time and sends a screeching dipping shot over the bar. That wasn’t so far away.

9.22pm BST

77 min: OK, this is getting slightly tight now. Israel have just equalised against Cyprus, Nir Bitton pelting one in from long range. Wales are still going through tonight, because Israel need to win to keep their hopes of automatic qualification alive. But dearie me this is nerve-wracking now.

9.20pm BST

76 min: Corner for Wales down the left. Ramsey loops one in, and it’s easy catching practise for Begovic.

9.19pm BST

75 min: An aggressive substitution by Chris Coleman, who clearly doesn’t want to rely on Cyprus. He takes off Ledley and throws on Vokes.

9.19pm BST

73 min: That came out of nothing. Wales look a little stunned, as they’d looked in control of the situation, with the home side flailing around in desperation. But it’s all changed now. They need a goal to make sure of their own destiny. However no need to panic quite yet: as things stand, with Israel losing at home, Wales are still going through.

9.17pm BST

And out of nothing, a goal for the hosts! A fairly aimless Mujdza free kick from deep on the right, bounding into the Wales area. The ball should be hacked clear, but Wales allow it to rear into the sky. Duric, rising high, 12 yards out and level with the left-hand post, stretches his neck and guides a looping header over Hennessey and into the top-right corner!

9.14pm BST

70 min: This is better from Mujdza, who again finds himself with the ball down the right. He drops a shoulder to make space, and loops a testing inswinger into the Welsh box. Hennessey, who has had little to do, comes off his line to claim brilliantly.

9.13pm BST

68 min: Mujdza, having prodded the ball far too far upfield, runs into the back of Taylor in the hope of winning a cheap free kick. It’s a pitiful effort. Even the home support can’t be bothered to harangue the referee. Bosnia-Herzegovina are out of ideas on this evidence.

9.11pm BST

67 min: Ramsey and Bale attempt a long-distance one-two down the left, but it doesn’t come off. No matter, the hosts are struggling to string more than two passes together at a time right now. The home fans are full of frustration, whistles and boos raining down, mingled with a few trenchant demands for Edin Dzeko.

9.08pm BST

64 min: Belgium are now 4-1 up in Andorra.

9.07pm BST

63 min: A lot of scrappy nonsense in the midfield right now. Wales are perfectly happy with this state of affairs, of course.

9.06pm BST

61 min: Bosnia-Herzegovina make their second change, and Dzeko stays on the bench. Duric comes on, taking Visca’s place.

9.04pm BST

59 min: Great news for Wales in Jerusalem, where Cyprus have taken the lead against Israel! Meanwhile Belgium have restored their two-goal lead against Andorra with a penalty kick of their own. Eden Hazard doing the work there.

9.03pm BST

58 min: Richards skedaddles infield from the right, a wonderfully purposeful run that eats up half of the pitch. He slips the ball inside for Bale, who shuttles it across to the left for Taylor. Taylor’s cross is poor, given the time he’s got, but Bale still manages to get a weak head on the ball. Begovic gathers.

9.00pm BST

56 min: Bale, buzzing around the midfield, is this close to forcing a pass down the inside-right channel to release Ramsey on goal. Sunjic steps in to intercept just in time. But Wales quickly come again, and Bale’s sent scampering down the left wing. He’s always got a yard on Hadzic, but slices a wild shot wide left as he steps into the area.

8.58pm BST

53 min: Dismal play all round here. Allen, looking to spring Robson-Kanu free down the right, misplaces his pass by miles, allowing Zukanovic to break into acres of space down the Boznia-Herzegovina left. Fortunately for the Wales midfielder, Zukanovic converts for three rugby points from a position 30 yards out on the wing. Dear oh dear (x2).

8.56pm BST

51 min: Andorra have pulled a goal back against Belgium from the penalty spot. The Belgians are still 2-1 up, mind, and topping the group as things stand.

8.55pm BST

49 min: Pjanic has been the most creative player on show so far tonight. He dribbles into the box down the right and there’s men in the middle. Wales are all over the shop. But Williams and Davies both slide in at the same time to form a red wall that Pjanic can’t flick a cross over. He settles for a corner, from which nothing comes. Great desperate defence by Williams and Davies there, because Wales weren’t organised there at all.

8.53pm BST

48 min: Bale looks to burst into the box down the left, but Sunjic slides in with a wonderful block tackle, and doesn’t even concede a corner, the ball coming off the Real Madrid star. Bale argues the toss, but you can sense he doesn’t really believe his own argument. It’s still 0-0 in Jerusalem, incidentally.

8.51pm BST

47 min: The hosts start the half on the front foot. Pjanic pitching-wedges a lovely ball down the middle of the park at high speed, hoping to release Ibisevic, on the edge of the D, into the area. But the striker is snoozing, and he’s caught offside as Williams steps up.

8.50pm BST

Wales get the ball rolling again. They’ve yet to concede a second-half goal in this qualification campaign. Another 45 minutes, and they’ve made it to France. The hosts make one change, swapping Spahic for Cocalic.

8.37pm BST

Intermission:

8.36pm BST

And that’s the very last action of the half. Wales doing what they have to do very nicely so far. As things stand, Belgium will win the group, but Wales will have the point they’ve been dreaming of. They’re 45 minutes away from ending that 57-year wait.

8.35pm BST

45 min: Ramsey dances down the right wing and into the area, having been released by a lovely ball turned round the corner by Robson-Kanu. He twists and turns on the right-hand corner of the six-yard box, and should get a shot away really, but you can take the boy out of Arsenal, etc., and he tries to walk it into the net. That allows Zukanovic to step across him and guide the ball into the hands of Begovic, though Taylor did his best to slide in and bundle the ball over the line. So close to a precious goal for Wales. Great footwork from Ramsey, but he really should have pulled the trigger. “That free kick attempt by Bale was the most foolish thing I’ve seen today,” begins J.R. in Illinois, “and that’s saying something because every time I have checked any other TV channel today all they have been showing is Donald Trump.”

8.31pm BST

43 min: Ramsey batters the free kick into the box, figuring a fluke is his best chance of creating something for Wales in a packed area. But it isn’t. Belgium are now 2-0 up in Andorra.

8.30pm BST

42 min: Robson-Kanu slides a ball down the left for Bale, who turns on the burners. He draws a desperate challenge from Spahic, because he was threatening to break clear into the area. As Bale slides along the wet grass on his nipples, the referee gets out the yellow card. A free kick in a dangerous position, just to the left of the Bosnia-Herzegovina box.

8.29pm BST

8.28pm BST

40 min: Quite a few whistles from the home support now, as Taylor faffs around at a throw. World-class clock management. And fair enough. When you’ve been waiting nearly 60 years to get to a finals, anything goes.

8.27pm BST

38 min: Lulic makes good down the left and he’s got men in the middle, but an awfully overhit lump out of play on the right suggests the home side are getting a little frustrated here. Wales aren’t exactly controlling the game as such, but they’re severely limiting Bosnia-Herzegovina in attack.

8.24pm BST

36 min: Allen comes through the back of Salihovic in the midfield, down the left. He’s lucky the referee is in a good mood, because that could have been a booking too. Bosnia-Herzegovina load the box, but Pjanic’s set piece is an egregious nonsense.

8.22pm BST

34 min: Ramsey is bowled over 40 yards from goal. Bale opts to go for goal with the free kick. Even £85m players need a clip round the lug sometimes, and told to behave. Begovic gathers the dribbling ball with a yawn.

8.20pm BST

32 min: It’s tipping down in Zenica. Lulic sashays in from the left and very nearly slips a ball inside for Ibisevic. There’s a bit of pinball off Williams and Gunter, and anything could happen. Thankfully for Wales, it breaks to Hennessey rather than the in-rushing striker.

8.17pm BST

30 min: Bale drops deep with a view to quarterbacking for a while. In the centre circle, he Gerrards an optimistic looping pass down the left for Taylor, who busts a lung in an attempt to meet the dropping ball on the edge of the box, but in truth had no chance.

8.16pm BST

27 min: Ledley slides a beautiful pass down the inside-left channel for Bale, who has a yard on Mujdza as he strides into the box. His cross inside is too fierce and too far forward for Robson-Kanu in the middle. For a player of Bale’s quality, that was a poor delivery. Robson-Kanu was on the penalty spot, in a little space, ready to meet that. Still, there are signs that Wales are emerging as an attacking force now.

8.13pm BST

25 min: A rare empty strip of turf opens up in front of Bale down the left. He romps into it, and reaching the byline hoicks a looper to the other side of the area, where Ramsey’s rushing in. Ramsey can’t connect. Wales haven’t quite clicked in attack yet.

8.12pm BST

24 min: Sunjic heads back in the general direction of Begovic. Robson-Kanu, realising the header is weak, tears off down the right. Begovic, racing out of his box, only just gets there in time to hoof clear. Robson-Kanu was very nearly in there. That was bright play. On the other hand, it was so sloppy from Sunjic.

8.11pm BST

8.10pm BST

22 min: The hosts swing balls into the Welsh box from one flank and then the other. Williams stands staunch. But otherwise Wales are beginning to look slightly ragged. A case of soaking up a little pressure right now, much as 13-man Australia did during the second half of the rugby earlier this afternoon. Sorry, it was the first example that sprung to mind.

8.08pm BST

19 min: Some lovely 1980s stylings here. Begovic hoofs high and long. Williams ushers the ball out for a goal kick. He’s bundled over by an excitable Salihovic. For a second, with Gunter across to get involved, it all looks like kicking off. But everyone calms down in double-quick time. Meanwhile Belgium have gone a goal up in Andorra, much as expected. As things stand, they’re top of the table now.

8.05pm BST

17 min: A bit of space for Visca down the right, having been released by a clever dink by Pjanic. The offside flag goes up, much to Welsh relief, because they’d been turned there. But it’s the correct decision. The home side are on top right now, certainly in terms of territory and possession.

8.04pm BST

15 min: Salihovic is fairly fortunate to escape a booking after coming straight through the back of Allen. Not too much force in the challenge, which was in his favour. There’s plenty of force in the way he’s effin’ and jeffin’ at the free kick being awarded, though, which shows admirable chutzpah. And he’s really testing the ref’s patience. But he gets away with that too.

8.01pm BST

13 min: Ramsey looks to make off down the left but is dragged back cynically by Hadzic. Free kick, and a chance for Wales to commit men forward. The box is loaded. Ramsey, 40 yards from goal, spots the Chelsea keeper Begovic miles off his line, and decides to go for the top-right corner. It’d have been a saucy spectacular, and it damn well nearly flies in. A few inches wide of the post. Maybe a little high too. But a wonderful effort from there. Ramsey smiles ruefully, knowing full well how close he’d come to something rather special.

7.59pm BST

11 min: Bosnia-Herzegovina have been on the front foot, but they’re happy to show patience too. They stroke it around the back awhile in the casual style. Wales are quite happy for them to do this.

7.57pm BST

9 min: A loose clearance by Davies, who slips on his arse in the slapstick fashion. Pjanic latches onto the loose ball and threads one down the inside-right channel. Lulic strides into the area and, leaning back, whistles a low diagonal shot inches wide of the left-hand post. Not sure Hennessey was getting to that had it been on target.

7.55pm BST

7 min: A bit of space for the full-back Mujdza down the right. His team-mates have kept up with play, the Welsh box loaded. But the cross is woefully overcooked and bounces harmlessly out of play well to the left of the Wales goal. Both teams are up for this, as we always knew they would be.

7.53pm BST

5 min: Robson-Kanu bursts down the right and feeds the ball inside for Ramsey, who has space to barge into the box but hesitates slightly. He could have got a shot away if he’d taken a stride into the area. Instead he hooks over for Taylor, who sticks a leg out in the hope of connecting with a wonder volley. Not quite; it slices off to the left, away from danger.

7.51pm BST

3 min: A nice, lively end-to-end start to this match. Pjanic makes good down the inside-right channel but can’t quite find anyone in the middle. Then Wales go up the other end, Bale romping down the left but finding himself unable to turn the ball inside for Robson-Kanu. “Yep, Super Victor is scary,” agrees Habib. “First thing that came into my mind was this ...”

7.48pm BST

The hosts get the ball rolling. Bosnia-Herzegovina have only lost two of 14 fixtures here. This will be quite a test for Chris Coleman’s side. “Super Victor may be even more terrifying than Bely Mishka (or Polar Bear) from the Sochi Winter Olympics,” suggests Niall McVeigh of this parish, who clearly doesn’t want me to get a wink of sleep ever again.

7.44pm BST

The teams are out! What a wonderful atmosphere at the Stadion Bilino polje in Zenica! Joyous bedlam amongst the travelling support of 600. The rest of the 13,000 capacity giving it plenty as well. Bosnia-Herzegovina are bedecked in blue, Wales in dragon red. We’ll be off in a minute or two. Just time for a national anthem or two ...

7.35pm BST

That’ll just be me, then. Sorry to have brought it up.

7.30pm BST

No? Nobody?

7.25pm BST

By the way, this Euro 2016 mascot, Super Victor. Anybody else been having nightmares about him?

7.20pm BST

While we wait nervously for kick-off, and in lieu of European Championship finals stories involving Welsh players, here’s the tale of a Welsh official caught four-square in the thick of it at Euro 76. Rob Smyth with the details from a classic Joy of Six on European Championship controversies and debacles.

The romantic story of Holland’s failure to win the World Cup in 1974 and 1978 is one of the first things they teach on the Football History curriculum in these parts. Yet nobody really talks about why they failed to win the tournament in between, Euro 76. Unlike in 1978, their team included Johan Cruyff and Wim van Hanegem, yet they were beaten 3-1 by the eventual winners Czechoslovakia in a nasty semi-final in Zagreb, a match played in fierce wind and rain on a pitch that the Times described as “a paddyfield”. If the match is barely remembered over here, then it will never be forgotten in Holland. In 2008, it was the subject of a half-hour documentary.

The focus of the documentary was one incident in extra-time. Both sides were down to 10 men by that stage, with Johan Neeskens sent off for a savage hack at Zdenek Nehoda. (Some people associate the purity of the Dutch football with pacifism, but they were a team who had velvet boots with a steel toecap. Exhibit A: this tackle, and the yelp, against Italy at the 1978 World Cup.)

7.13pm BST

Bosnia-Herzegovina: Begovic, Mujdza, Spahic, Sunjic, Zukanovic, Visca, Pjanic, Hadzic, Salihovic, Lulic, Ibisevic.
Subs: Sehic, Grahovac, Bicakcic, Cocalic, Stojan Vranjes, Ognjen Vranjes, Medunjanin, Dzeko, Djuric, Hodzic, Hajrovic, Buric.

Wales: Hennessey, Gunter, Ashley Williams, Taylor, Ramsey, Davies, Allen, Richards, Ledley, Bale, Robson-Kanu.
Subs: Fon Williams, King, Jonathan Williams, Church, Vokes, Edwards, Chester, Collins, Vaughan, Lawrence, Henley, Ward.

7.01pm BST

Wales make two changes to the team which shared a grand total of zero goals with Israel last month: Andy King and Dave Edwards make way for the more glamorous Joe Allen and Joe Ledley. But the big news regards Gareth Bale, who starts his first game since suffering calf-knack while playing for Real Madrid on September 16.

Bosnia-Herzegovina meanwhile must make do without erstwhile Manchester City striker Edin Dzeko, now of Roma. Their record goalscorer, who has been a martyr to his knees, is only considered fit enough to take a place on the bench. All in all, the hosts make three changes from the side which won 3-0 in Andorra last month: Toni Sunjic, Sejad Salihovic and Anel Hadzic all coming in.

12.49pm BST

Wales stand on the verge of their first major finals since the 1958 World Cup. They could make it to Euro 2016 tonight - permutations anon - and everyone across the continent, no matter where they hail from, with the probable exception of Belgians and Israelis, will be wishing them well. Because the last time Wales went to a major finals, they did this:

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Euro 2016 qualifiers clockwatch – as it happened

Spain and Switzerland are the latest teams to qualify for France.

9.50pm BST

So the final scores, and the headlines. In Group C, Spain have qualified. Slovakia could have made it tonight as well, but lost at home to Belarus and now must scrap for an automatic spot with Ukraine. Slovakia are still favourites, though: they face Luxembourg on the final day, while Ukraine take on Spain. In Group E, England beat Estonia 2-0 to keep up their bid to qualify with a 100 percent record. The Swiss join them, after Slovenia were pegged back by Lithuania. And in Group G, Russia remain ahead of Sweden in the race for second, but both are guaranteed at least a play-off place as Montenegro were beaten at the death by Austria. Night!

Group C: Macedonia 0-2 Ukraine, Slovakia 0-1 Belarus, Spain 4-0 Luxembourg.
Group E: England 2-0 Estonia, Slovenia 1-1 Lithuania, Switzerland 7-0 San Marino.
Group G: Liechtenstein 0-2 Sweden, Moldova 1-2 Russia, Montenegro 2-3 Austria.

9.45pm BST

And that’s your lot in Slovenia! It finishes 1-1 with Lithuania, and that result means the Swiss have made it to Euro 2016.

9.43pm BST

All the matches are full time, bar one. And it’s a crucial one: Slovenia v Lithuania. Unless Slovenia can force a winner, Switzerland are through to Euro 2016. Meanwhile Spain have qualified, but Slovakia passed up their chance to make it themselves, crashing at home to Belarus. Ukraine still have a chance of avoiding the play-offs.

Group C: Macedonia 0-2 Ukraine, Slovakia 0-1 Belarus, Spain 4-0 Luxembourg.
Group E: England 2-0 Estonia, Slovenia 1-1 Lithuania, Switzerland 7-0 San Marino.
Group G: Liechtenstein 0-2 Sweden, Moldova 1-2 Russia, Montenegro 2-3 Austria.

9.39pm BST

Marcel Sabitzer lashes home from the end of the area, and makes certain of Montenegro’s elimination. That’s eight wins in a row in this group for Austria.

9.37pm BST

Artem Kravets powers down the left and slips the ball into the bottom-left corner. Think Steve Heighway’s goal at the 1971 FA Cup final, only his team’s going to win.

9.36pm BST

Eren Derdiyok heads home from close range, the ball jangling off Aldo Simoncini’s trouser arrangement as it crosses the line. Injury to insult.

9.35pm BST

Eugeniu Cebotaru crashes in a close-range header to rattle Russia’s nerves a wee bit.

9.33pm BST

The Arsenal man romps down the inside-right channel and belts a low shot into the bottom left. This is slightly flattering to Spain, who were dreadful for the most part this evening. But class will out.

9.32pm BST

Marko Arnautovic may just have put paid to Montenegro’s hopes.

9.30pm BST

Artem Dzjuba strengthens Russia’s grip on second spot in their group.

9.29pm BST

A penalty for handball, and Arvydas Novikovas slams it into the top left! That will see the Swiss through to France!

9.28pm BST

A third penalty for Switzerland, and a third separate scorer. And they could be qualifying tonight, because...

9.25pm BST

A slightly farcical goal this. Nolito sliderules a gorgeous pass down the inside-left channel to release Alba, who overruns the ball. The keeper Joubert should gather, but parries the ball straight into Alba’s knees. The ball looks like flying out of play to the left of goal, but Alba hooks it into the centre for the sub to get his second of the evening. Spain are going to the Euros

in style
!

9.21pm BST

Pajtim Kasami’s turn now, as the Swiss begin to run riot.

9.20pm BST

Alyaksandr Martynovich of Belarus has seen red for two bookable offences, which should give hope to Slovakia. They’re still trailing 1-0, but a couple of late goals against ten men would send them to France.

9.20pm BST

The goals are positively flying in now. Johan Djourou makes it four for the Swiss.

9.17pm BST

Fatos Beqiraj reclaims the lead for Montenegro.

9.16pm BST

The substitute Paco Alcacer makes the scoreline slightly less embarrassing for the below-par European champions. But everything in context. They’re heading to France! Woo!

9.15pm BST

Yes well this was always bound to happen wasn’t it.

9.14pm BST

With Belarus beating Slovakia, this is suddenly looking much more promising for Ukraine. They’ll draw level on points with Slovakia in second place, though they’ll need to beat Spain in their final game, while the Slovaks go to Luxembourg. Still, the way things are going in Spain, nothing’s a certainty.

9.11pm BST

Sergei Ignashevich reignites Russia’s faltering bid for the automatic second spot.

9.10pm BST

Marc Janko levels it up.

9.09pm BST

And another! The Swiss now score a second, Gokhan Inler from the penalty spot. They remain in the box seat for the second automatic qualification spot in Group E, though if Lithuania can come back against Slovenia to force a draw, everyone will be dancing on the streets of Zurich tonight!

[Correction and clarification: Not everyone will be dancing on the streets of Zurich tonight]

9.05pm BST

Zlatan makes it two for the Swedes, who are the first side to crash past the one-goal mark on this exciting evening. “Of course Derek Smalls is the daddy of them all,” writes Simon McMahon. Of course. “Especially in his Shrewsbury Town top. ‘Do you have any artificial plates or limbs?’ ‘Not really, no.’” Sadly I can’t find a picture of the Tap bassist in his early 80s Shrewsbury top, so this one of an incredulous Ian Faith, sans cricket bat, will have to do.

8.58pm BST

Kevin Malget and Pedro square up to each other like schoolchildren. Malget considers putting the nut on his opponent, but decides against following through, just in time. Both men go in the book for preposterousness.

8.56pm BST

Spain have been woefully incoherent tonight. Luxembourg have their tails up to the extent that Aurélien Joachim has just tried to beat Iker Casillas from 45 yards. He ghosted past two players out on the left to give himself the space, too. It wasn’t far away, and for the second time tonight, had a Luxembourg shot been on target, I’m not sure the keeper was getting to it.

8.51pm BST

All the second halves are underway. Pedro has just lashed a good chance from the left-hand corner of the six-yard box into the stand behind. “The main interest in the Spain game is the crowd’s reaction to Pique,” opines Geoffrey Vivian. “He’s being booed and cheered by different sections of the crowd for playing for Barça/supporting Catalan self-determination. Quite laughable nonsense which the player seems to rise above. Secondly, why are you talking about Level 42 and this Pino chap when you could be talking about Bootsy Collins and Larry Graham? Hmm?” Because I assumed it had long been established that Lazy Larry adds bottom to your fun. What else is left to say?

8.40pm BST

So here are your rather binary half-time scores. England, incidentally, scored just before the whistle at Wembley, Ross Barkley setting up Theo Walcott. That 100% qualifying record is ever so close now.

Group C: Macedonia 0-0 Ukraine, Slovakia 0-1 Belarus, Spain 1-0 Luxembourg.
Group E: England 1-0 Estonia, Slovenia 1-0 Lithuania, Switzerland 1-0 San Marino.
Group G: Liechtenstein 0-1 Sweden, Moldova 0-0 Russia, Montenegro 1-0 Austria.

8.36pm BST

Valter Birsa slides a spot kick awarded for hand ball into the bottom-left corner of the goal. Icy cool. And it means they’re still on Switzerland’s shoulder in the race for second place behind England in Group E.

8.29pm BST

The Arsenal man makes up for his awful miss earlier. Juanfran reaches a ball that looks like going out of play down the right, hooking it back to Pedro, on the right-hand edge of the box. His shot is parried by the keeper Jonathan Joubert, but the ball squirts onto the penalty spot, and Cazorla doesn’t make the same mistake from the same position twice. Bang! It’s in, and as things stand, Spain are on their way to the finals.

8.26pm BST

Stanislav Dragun opens the scoring here. Meanwhile the increasingly frustrated European champions Spain are still being held at home to Luxembourg. And indeed they weren’t too far from going behind there, Stefano Bensi cutting in from the left and curling one towards the top right. It wasn’t far wide, and Iker Casillas, at full stretch, might not have got there had it been on target.

8.22pm BST

More injury woes for Spain. Morata has been stretchered off, in some pain, Alcacer coming on as his replacement.

8.22pm BST

Mirko Vucinic has given Montenegro the lead against already-qualified Austria. And they’re well on top right now. Fatos Bećiraj nearly made it two in double-quick time, but his shot from close range, just to the left of the target, was parried clear by Robert Almer.

8.16pm BST

Spain make it 2-2 in corners. And then they go 3-2 up. Still no goal, though, Morata eventually squirting a header wide left. By all accounts that’s now 223 corners taken by Spain since they last scored from one, a run that stretches back 33 games. They’re turning into the Liverpool side from the 1980s, who were so cornerphobic they inspired a fanzine called Another Wasted Corner. I’ve gone off piste again. Sorry.

8.11pm BST

Actually, Pino Palladino’s USP was his fretless bass, wasn’t it. No slap-bass shenanigans from him. There was a reason Paul Young got to number one, while Level 42 didn’t.

8.10pm BST

Marcus Berg opens the scoring for the Swedes. Meanwhile in Spain, Morata has just rolled the ball to Cazorla, who is free on the penalty spot. He must score, but instead smashes the ball against the crossbar with the sort of slap-bass twang not heard since the 1980s, when Level 42 and Pino Palladino freely roamed the earth.

8.07pm BST

The first goal of the evening took a while to arrive, and it’s a minnow who concedes it. Not Luxembourg, though; they’re holding out. The Swiss take a wholly expected lead against San Marino, Michael Lang their man.

8.05pm BST

No man in world football looks better in a cardigan than Juan Mata. He’s also not half bad at bringing down long balls with an insouciant waft of the boot. He takes down a raking Fabregas pass along the right, and flicks inside for Morata. But the Juve striker can’t connect.

8.02pm BST

Spain have only played Luxembourg one time previously. A 4-0 win earlier in this group, David Silva, Paco Alcácer, Diego Costa and Juan Bernat with the goals in Luxembourg. So the visitors are 40-1 against this evening against the reigning European champions. They’re on the front foot now, though, winning a corner, Christopher Martins winning a header on the penalty spot and forcing Juanfran into a hurried clearance on the left-hand corner of the six-yard box. A second corner is easily dealt with by Spain, but that could have been a shock early lead for the minnows.

7.56pm BST

Manchester City aren’t having much luck at the moment. Sergio Aguero pulled his hamstring playing for Argentina against Ecuador, and now David Silva is limping around in a very ginger manner. Not certain that he’ll be able to continue. Everyone frowning and looking concerned. A shake of the head from the wee man. He was clattered by Lars Gerson, who doesn’t quite have the skill of his famous Brazilian namesake, though on the other hand almost certainly smokes fewer tabs. Juan Mata comes on in his stead.

7.52pm BST

A lively start for Spain, pretty much as you’d expect against Luxembourg. Álvaro Morata has scampered down the right wing a couple of times to dangerous effect, though Pedro, hovering around in the middle, hasn’t been able to reach either of his crosses. Quite an atmosphere at the Estadio Municipal Las Gaunas in Logrono.

7.47pm BST

And we’re off! Everywhere except in Macedonia. Someone always has to be different. They’re still faffing around with pennants and the like.

7.35pm BST

Not long to kick-off now.

7.26pm BST

GROUP C

FYR Macedonia: Pacovski, Brdarovski, Sikov, Ristevski, Zuta, Petrovic, Ibraimi, Alimi, Hasani, Askovski, Ilijoski.
Subs: Dimitrievski, Mojsov, Trickovski, Trajkovski, Ristovski, Nestoroski, Stjepanovic, Cikarski, Abdurahimi, Ivanovski, Nilsson.
Ukraine: Pyatov, Fedetskiy, Khacheridi, Rakitskiy, Shevchuk, Rybalka, Sydorchuk, Rotan, Yarmolenko, Konoplyanka, Seleznyov.
Subs: Boyko, Kamenyuka, Tymoschuk, Kucher, Stepanenko, Pylyavskyi, Gusev, Malinovsky, Budkivskiy, Karavayev, Kravets, Shevchenko.
Referee: Ovidiu Alin Hategan (Romania)

7.10pm BST

While we wait for the team news to come in, have you seen the state of the Euro 2016 mascot? He’s called Super Victor. Meet Super Victor.

3.50pm BST

Yesterday evening, Northern Ireland qualified with a flourish. Scotland were knocked out with the last kick of their match. And the Republic of Ireland beat the world champions. Tomorrow, Wales have the chance to reach their first major finals since 1958. But tonight? Taking centre stage tonight are England. And they’ve already qualified. And their match is being dealt with over here.

But never fear: there’s still plenty going on elsewhere! In Group C, Spain will almost certainly qualify with a win over Luxembourg, while you’d back Slovakia to make it too by beating Belarus. In Group E, Switzerland can join England in France next summer if they beat San Marino and Slovenia fail to beat Lithuania. And in Group G, Russia will make it should they win in Moldova while Sweden and Montenegro drop points.

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The Fiver | Those who consider brazen front to be a tactic worth up to 10 points a season

Click here to have the Fiver sent to your inbox every weekday at 5pm BST, or if your usual copy has stopped arriving

KLOPTIMISM

The new Liverpool manager Jürgen Klopp calmly pulled up a chair, sat down wearing a broad, friendly, welcoming smile, took a sip of water, and started swinging a few metaphorical haymakers this way and that. First he gave his withering verdict on the state – just look at it – of journalism in this country. “All the people told me about the British press, so it’s up to you to show me you are all liars.” Then he rollocked the photographers gathered outside his hotel, training their lenses on his window. “Stop making photos. I go to this side of my room, photograph. I go to the other, photograph. It would be really nice if you leave me there.” Finally he delivered a warning shot across the bows of José Mourinho, manager of fellow mid-table concern Chelsea. “I’m a totally normal guy, I’m the Normal One,” he quipped, shamelessly plagiarising material from Avram Grant, one of the biggest comedians of the last 10 years. Hey, talent borrows, genius steals.

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Chelsea v Southampton: Premier League – as it happened

Abject Chelsea were thoroughly outplayed by sparkling Southampton on a dramatic night at Stamford Bridge.

7.25pm BST

A smattering of boos as the final whistle blows. Mourinho shakes Koeman’s hand sadly, then slopes off down the tunnel. The champions are in all sorts of trouble right now. Only West Brom, Villa, Newcastle and Sunderland are beneath them in the Premier League table. John Terry walks off with his head in his hands. But this isn’t just about crisis-club Chelsea; it’s about Southampton too. And they were simply magnificent. Utterly dominant for the final 60 minutes of the match, they scored three and could have had two penalties. They jump above Liverpool into ninth place. Chelsea are 16th, having sourced a mere eight points from their first eight games. No team has ever suffered a start like that and finished higher than fifth. There’s a stat that’ll be trotted out a couple of times during what promises to be quite an eventful international break.

7.23pm BST

90 min +4: Southampton fans take some time out to send abuse Portsmouth’s way. It’s their party, they can do what they like.

7.21pm BST

90 min +3: Mourinho looks the picture of defeat. A thousand-yard stare across the pitch.

7.21pm BST

90 min +2: Chelsea pass it around the back awhile. Terry then sprays a loose pass into the stand down the left. Symbolic, huh.

7.19pm BST

90 min +1: Mane is replaced by Yoshida. Mane’s been magnificent today, and gets a playful cuff round the lug from his manager Ronald Koeman as he takes his place on the bench.

7.18pm BST

90 min: Pedro dribbles into the Saints area from the right. He has a brief window of opportunity to shoot, but hesitates and falls over his own feet instead. There’s still hope for Chelsea, though, with the referee adding on five extra minutes.

7.17pm BST

89 min: Azpilicueta, who has done his best to keep Chelsea’s spirits up, nearly bursts clear down the left. He’s eventually forced to check back, though, laying off to Oscar, who scoops timidly wide right from the edge of the area. “I’m furious!” fumes Salfordian Blue. “You’d think Chelsea would be content with taking the title from my beloved Manchester City, but no. They have to take our approach to defending it, too. Shameless.”

7.15pm BST

87 min: He whips the set piece towards the top left. It’s a highly decent effort, and going in, but Van Dijk rises from the wall to eyebrow it over the bar. The corner is slapped clear by Stekelenburg.

7.14pm BST

86 min: Hazard attempts to zip through a pocket of Saints players to the right of the D. He’s upended by a clumsy Pelle, who is booked for his trouble. A free kick in a very dangerous position. Falcao prepares to take it.

7.12pm BST

84 min: Pedro skates down the left, a few stepovers winning a corner. He takes the set piece himself, and fails to beat the first man.

7.11pm BST

83 min: Chelsea’s fans are bellowing themselves, a defiant rendition of Carefree. Chelsea’s 12th man is the only one to have turned up today.

7.10pm BST

82 min: Mourinho is roaming the touchline with his hands in his overcoat pockets, screaming at his team. It galvanises them into action, Remy breaking into the box down the left and whipping a cross to the near post. Stekelenburg tries to claim but drops the ball. Hazard is sniffing around, but can’t get to the loose ball before Fonte. The ball’s scrambled to the edge of the box, where Oscar shoots lamely.

7.08pm BST

80 min: Azpilicueta curls in a cross from the left. Van Dijk heads powerfully upfield. Fabregas, down the inside-left channel, has a lash from the best part of 40 yards. It’s miles wide right. Ward-Prowse goes in the book for an earlier tug on Oscar’s shirt.

7.07pm BST

78 min: Saints swap Tadic for Rodriguez. Pedro tries to control the ball down the left and lets it clank off his knee. Chelsea’s performance so far in a nutshell.

7.06pm BST

77 min: Falcao makes himself busy down the right, but can’t work Stekelenburg in the Saints goal. Chelsea’s attack is awfully blunt.

7.05pm BST

75 min: It should be four. Pedro gives the ball away in the midfield. Mane strides into the Chelsea half. He wrestles with Cahill, who is close to losing his rag and clumping Mane upside the head. His cool lost, he allows Mane to scoot free down the wing. Mane slides the ball inside for Tadic, who is on the penalty spot. He’s got Pelle to his right, but opts to shoot, and clatters the ball into an emergency-mode Terry. A wonderful defensive block. The resulting corner comes to nothing.

7.03pm BST

73 min: Mourinho’s response is to hook the substitute. Matic, looking puzzled, then embarrassed, and then irate, is replaced by Remy.

7.02pm BST

A loose ball in the middle of the park from Azpilicueta allows Mane to tear into the Chelsea half. He’s got Pelle on the right in acres. He slides the ball right. Pelle strides into the box and batters a stunning shot past an exposed Begovic. This is a proper crisis for Chelsea now.

7.00pm BST

71 min: Soares, Mane and Ward-Prowse flick the ball up and down the right. Wanyama thinks about shooting from 30 yards in the middle, but opts to rake the ball left for Tadic, who nearly bursts clear but is ushered away from danger by Ivanovic, suddenly looking like his old self. Southampton are well on top.

6.57pm BST

68 min: Tadic is caught from behind in a fairly agricultural style by Ivanovic as he races down the left wing. A free kick, and another chance for Saints to load the Chelsea box. Ward-Prowse curls it long towards the penalty spot. Terry hammer-heads it clear. Ward-Prowse tries his luck from 40 yards. Nope! But it’s Saints looking the most likely right now.

6.55pm BST

66 min: Falcao clatters into Mane, a reckless slide from the side. He’s lucky to escape a booking. Tadic takes the free kick, 35 yards out down the right, and nearly sends a daisycutter into the bottom right. It’s not far wide of the post. Chelsea are living dangerously here. “A mention of that Keith Houchen goal always gives me a warm glow,” shudders Shaun Wilkinson. “That was the first football game I ever remember watching. (I was seven at the time). Has there been a better cup final since?” I can field this one: nope!

6.52pm BST

64 min: Pedro comes on for Willian. The Brazilian’s free kick seems an awful long time ago right now. But what a free kick it was.

6.52pm BST

63 min: Oscar and Fonte come together in the Saints box and fall over. No penalty here either, because Oscar had accidentally stood on Fonte’s foot.

6.51pm BST

62 min: On the touchline, Jose Mourinho allows himself a wry smile. That penalty incident involving Falcao will be playing on his mind. The rights and wrongs will long be debated, but even if Chelsea were hard done by - and it’s not clear - Southampton are still one decision in credit on that score.

6.49pm BST

Terry is back, and he’s been rolled by Mane. Pelle cuts in from the left, and slides a diagonal ball inside. Terry should intercept, but Mane turns him. The striker’s clear in the box! His shot squirts under Begovic, who tried his best to smother, and trundles over the line. One way or another, Saints deserve this lead. Chelsea are really up against it now.

6.48pm BST

57 min: Another penalty controversy, and this time Chelsea were asking the question. Falcao powers past Fonte down the inside-left channel and into the area. Stekelenburg comes out rashly, spreading himself. Falcao goes over the keeper and the crowd explode in their demand for a spot kick. But the referee isn’t having it. He thinks Falcao was going down looking for it, just before he came into contact with the keeper. And books the striker as a result. You have certainly seen those given, mind.

6.45pm BST

56 min: Van Dijk channels his inner Franz Beckenbauer, storming down the left channel, ignoring a few half-arsed Chelsea challenges. He slips the ball towards Mane, who tries to twist a shot away from a tight spot, but can’t manage it.

6.43pm BST

54 min: Chelsea respond to the increase in volume with an increase in intensity. Oscar scuttles to win a corner down the left. Fabregas whips the set piece to the near post, Wanyama clearing off the line. The ball’s worked in again from a deep position on the left, Falcao flinging himself towards the ball with a view to replicating Keith Houchen’s famous 1987 FA Cup final effort. Not quite. But this is better from the home team, who have otherwise been abysmal since the half-hour mark.

6.42pm BST

53 min: Azpilicueta combines with Hazard down the left, the full back doing his best to tilt the balance of this game. He nearly breaks clear into the area, but Soares is across to block. The home crowd, fully aware that their team are in a little trouble here, shorn of confidence, raise the volume in support.

6.40pm BST

51 min: But those serious problems shouldn’t take anything away from Saints, who are playing wonderfully well. Mane scampers in from the left and very nearly releases Pelle with a lovely flick down the channel, but Chelsea shut the door quickly this time.

6.39pm BST

49 min: Davis has the run of Hammersmith & Fulham. First he nearly slips Mane free down the middle. Cahill intercepts. Then he sends Tadic down the left. The ball is slipped inside for Mane, who extends a leg but can only guide his shot into Begovic’s coupon. The ball breaks wide left for Tadic, who feeds Mane for another skelp from a tight angle on the left. Begovic parries again. Then Tadic turns Ivanovic in a tight spot on the left, rolling the ball inside for Mane to take another shot from the penalty area. That’s blocked, and then Ward-Prowse shoots wide right. This is absurd. What has happened to Chelsea? Porto did this rat-a-tat pinball nonsense against them during the week, too. Serious problems here.

6.35pm BST

47 min: A slow-ish start to the second half. Neither team willing to show their hand quite yet.

6.34pm BST

Both teams make a change. Chelsea swap Ramires with Matic, bolstering the defensive quality of their midfield, not least because the man hooked had been booked. Southampton meanwhile replace Romeu - also booked - with the more attack-minded Ward-Prowse. Saints are going for this!

6.23pm BST

Half-time entertainment: The greatest goal of all time? Almost certainly, yes.

6.20pm BST

Nope! The ball is blootered straight into the Saints wall. And that’s the last act of the first half. After a slow start, Saints are deservedly level. Chelsea perhaps are more fortunate, when you factor in Southampton’s two penalty shouts for Ivanovic’s shirt tug on Van Dijk and Ramires’ lazy challenge on Mane. Jose Mourinho has quite the half-time team-talk ahead of him, because Chelsea forgot how to play after the half hour, and another poor result will make the upcoming international break feel very long indeed. The second half promises to be quite something. You’re not going anywhere, are you?

6.17pm BST

45 min +1: But this is better from Chelsea. A few passes stroked this way and that, in front of the Saints box. Oscar drops a shoulder down the inside-left channel, and is sent crashing by Wanyama. A free kick in a very dangerous position. Can the free-kick maestro Willian do it again?

6.16pm BST

45 min: Chelsea are in a bit of a tizz here. Passes aren’t sticking up front. Southampton appear to have used the Mane penalty incident as righteous fuel. Since that non-decision, 40 percent of the play has been in Chelsea’s final third.

6.14pm BST

This is a belter! A long diagonal ball from Soares on the right. Pelle chests it down on the left-hand side of the Chelsea D. Davis, rushing in, skelps an unstoppable shot into the bottom left! What a lovely goal. And it had been coming.

6.13pm BST

43 min: Ramires clips Mane in the centre circle. He’s booked on the totting-up process.

6.12pm BST

42 min: And they should be level. Mane powers his way across the pitch, right to left, 40 yards from goal. He spots Bertrand haring down the inside-left channel and flips a pass to the full back. Bertrand’s free in the box! He has to score! But Begovic is out to make himself big, and parries round the post for a corner. He again claims the set piece. Chelsea’s defence is still a worry.

6.11pm BST

40 min: The ball sails straight through the area to Wanyama on the right. He loops a ball into the box. It looks like fluking its way into the top left, but Begovic, running backwards at pace, claws it out, conceding another corner on the left in doing so. The second set piece is claimed with ease by the keeper. Southampton are in this game now, though.

6.09pm BST

39 min: Cahill drags Pelle to the ground under a high ball, 40 yards from goal. Davis chips a clever free kick down the inside-left channel. Van Dijk, rushing in, meets it with his head, guiding the ball into the six-yard box. Pelle is waiting to convert, but Cahill deflects out on the left for a corner.

6.07pm BST

37 min: Nobody can control the ball right now. A lot of puff and pressing.

6.06pm BST

34 min: Mane now goes past Ivanovic down the left. This one’s outside the box. Ivanovic hangs out a leg, Mane goes over it again. A light brush this time. Still probably a free kick, albeit the softest imaginable, but Ivanovic has left himself open to manipulation. The referee considers this one a blatant dive, though, and Mane goes in the book. He’s not had much in the way of luck in the last 90 seconds or so, has Mane.

6.04pm BST

32 min: Bertrand throws in from the left. Mane enters the area. He nudges the ball to the left and drops a shoulder to go past Ramires, who has hung a leg out. Mane cynically crashes into the outstretched leg and goes down. He was looking for it, but Ramires was daft enough to make the challenge. That should have been a penalty kick.

6.01pm BST

30 min: Hazard kneels on Soares’ shoulders with the two sailing through the air. That’s quite a feat. It should be a free kick, but Southampton aren’t getting one. The whole farce having been played out on the halfway, Saints getting the resulting throw, it really doesn’t matter in the long run.

5.59pm BST

28 min: All a bit scrappy right now. Saints are doing absolutely nothing in attack.

5.57pm BST

26 min: Bertrand is shoved off the ball by Willian in the midfield. No foul. Bertrand, on the floor and frustrated, lashes out at Willian with his boot. Well, you’ve seen players sent off for that, though it would have been a soft nonsense. The referee decides there wasn’t too much malice in the swipe, and brandishes just the yellow.

5.56pm BST

25 min: This is all Chelsea right now. Oscar holds the ball up on the left-hand edge of the area. He slides the ball back to Fabregas, who shuttles it down the channel again. Oscar has a little space in the area, and tries a curler into the top right. Stekelenburg plucks a softly hit effort out of the air.

5.55pm BST

24 min: Space for Hazard, who looks in the mood tonight. He’s in a clearing, 30 yards from goal. He tees himself up and sends a low shot fizzing straight at Stekelenburg. A mite disappointing.

5.53pm BST

22 min: Hazard, all twinkle toes, nips a ball down the right to set Oscar scampering into the area down the right. No opportunity to shoot, but Saints are light in the middle, where Falcao loiters. But he can’t flick the ball past Bertrand, forever on his shoulder.

5.51pm BST

21 min: A nice, brisk, breezy pace to this game. Hazard turns well down the inside-right and nearly finds Falcao in the middle. But Fonte sticks out a leg to divert the ball away from danger. Chelsea are enjoying a 60-40 share of possession.

5.50pm BST

20 min: Oscar, from a position down the inside-left channel, glides inside and looks for the top right from 30 yards. It just about finds the top-right corner of the stand behind the goal.

5.49pm BST

19 min: Begovic fluffs a kick upfield. The ball reaches Mane, 30 yards out down the Saints right. Mane looks for a curler into the top right. Nice idea, with Begovic off his line and out of position. But he doesn’t get enough OOF into the kick, and it sails softly into Begovic’s arms, the keeper having been given enough time to jog back to claim.

5.48pm BST

18 min: Tadic and Pelle combine neatly down the left wing, the former nearly sent into the box with the ball at his feet. But there’s a bit too much on the pass, allowing Cahill to step across and usher the ball back to his keeper.

5.47pm BST

16 min: Chelsea still don’t look comfortable at the back though. Now a big space opens up down the Southampton right, the normally dependable Azpilicueta caught infield. Davis romps clear into the area, but shanks an awful effort wide right, causing Begovic no concern whatsoever.

5.46pm BST

15 min: Oscar and Hazard exchange flicks as they skitter at speed down the middle of the park. Saints are backtracking in fear. Oscar enters the area but his shot is blocked at source by Soares.

5.44pm BST

13 min: In fact, replays show Van Dijk was livid because Ivanovic had a grip of the back of his shirt. A good claim for a penalty kick, that. What on earth was Ivanovic doing? A needless risk.

5.43pm BST

12 min: Ramires illegally shoulders Wanyama into touch down the left. Davis takes the free kick, on the paint, level with the front of the area. It’s not particularly good, straight into the arms of Begovic. In the middle, Van Dijk waves his arms around in semaphore shapes, spelling out the message WHY DID I BOTHER?

5.41pm BST

This is a pearler of a free kick! Chelsea load the box, but they needn’t have bothered. Willian takes, 20 yards out, level with the left-hand edge of the area. He curls it high, back down, and into the top-right corner. Off the right-hand post. A stunning strike! Sheer brilliance! Stamford Bridge erupts! Just what a nervous-looking Chelsea needed!

5.39pm BST

9 min: Romeu has been brought in for extra defensive cover. He’ll be treading on eggshells now, though, having cynically taken down Hazard as the Chelsea man scooted down the left. Free kick. From which ...

5.39pm BST

7 min: A free kick for Saints in the middle of the park. Davis lumps it into the Chelsea box. Cahill, in a slight panic, eyebrows it out for a corner on the right. Tadic takes, and Begovic comes off his line to claim confidently. Though had Fonte not mistimed his run, level with the near post, the Saints striker would have had a free header. A huge hole in Chelsea’s defence there.

5.37pm BST

6 min: A rare old atmosphere at Stamford Bridge tonight. Tadic makes good down the inside-left channel and slips the ball inside for Pelle. Tadic wants an instant return, and if he got it, he’d have been free down the left. But the ball doesn’t come quickly enough, and Tadic is offside. Tadic is beside himself with anger at his team-mate. A chance to open Chelsea up there.

5.34pm BST

4 min: Ramieres catches Pelle on the ankle in the middle of the park. A pointless challenge, and one that’s running the risk of an early booking. But the referee isn’t in the mood for drama, and settles for a quiet word.

5.32pm BST

2 min: Chelsea are on the front foot early doors. Azpilicueta curls one into the area from the left. A decent cross, cleared in the half-arsed style by Wanyama. Ramires takes up possession in the middle of the park, drives forward then, blessed with space and time, and runners ahead of him, hoofs long down the left wing and out of play.

5.30pm BST

Chelsea get the ball rolling. The 14-second mark comes and goes without incident. Saints dragging their heels this time.

5.29pm BST

Here come the teams! John Terry leads his men out looking even more determined than usual, if that’s possible. A quick spin of this ...

5.22pm BST

Both of these clubs have sent their players out wearing some fine threads over the years. To be honest, I was hoping to find pics of Chelsea’s two-tone striped early-80s effort, Pat Nevin’s new romantic wedge, all that, and Southampton’s irregular red-and-white bars from the late 1970s. But these will do! Here’s Chelsea’s iconic all-blue strip from the early 1970s ...

5.11pm BST

Today’s half-and-half scarf: Here’s a happy young chappie holding up a brand-new soft acrylic treat.

5.00pm BST

The price of tickets these days, though, huh? The Football Supporters Federation is holding a national weekend of action to protest against the absurd cost of being an away supporter. Twenty’s Plenty. The aims? “Supporters call upon football clubs at all levels of the game to recognise and reward the amazing contribution of away fans by getting together to agree an across the board price cap on away match tickets of £20 (£15 for concessions).” Sounds like a plan. More details can be found here.

4.50pm BST

Chelsea fans wanted their captain back. Chelsea fans have got their captain back. All hail the power of the protest singer. John Terry returns, tasked with shoring up a defence that’s been all over the place recently. He can only do so much, though, and plenty rides on the performance of Branislav Ivanovic, who is looking worryingly fragile these days. Dušan Tadić represents another stern test. Up front, in Diego Costa’s absence, it’s Radamel Falcao’s turn.

Southampton meanwhile had hoped to give Jordy Clasie his first Premier League start, but he’s not quite ready yet. Ryan Bertrand continues his comeback from injury after completing 90 minutes last week, and starts against his old club. And Oriol Romeu returns to the starting XI, as Saints look for their first win at Stamford Bridge since January 2002.

4.38pm BST

Chelsea: Begovic, Ivanovic, Cahill, Terry, Azpilicueta, Ramires, Fabregas, Willian, Oscar, Hazard, Falcao.
Subs: Blackman, Zouma, Baba, Matic, Loftus-Cheek, Pedro, Remy.

Southampton: Stekelenburg, Soares, Fonte, van Dijk, Bertrand, Romeu, Wanyama, S Davis, Tadić, Mané, Pellè.
Subs: K Davis, Yoshida, Long, Rodriguez, Martina, Ward-Prowse, Juanmi.

11.10am BST

Diego Costa. Everyone wanted him banned. But it’s not as much fun when he’s not playing, is it? The world’s most entertaining man. Bah.

Never mind. This could still be quite a ride. For all eyes are on Chelsea, as the champions struggle desperately for form. The chief problem: Jose Mourinho’s side are a defensive shambles. Break that statement down: a Mourinho side; a defensive shambles. Eh? Who’d have predicted this? Black is white. Up is down. The world off its axis. One clean sheet in 12 domestic matches, though!

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Crystal Palace v West Bromwich Albion: Premier League – as it happened

Wilfried Zaha led the Baggies a merry dance as Palace go third, for a couple of hours at the very least.

2.38pm BST

A brilliant attacking display from Crystal Palace, with Zaha their main man. They go third in the table, and look good enough to keep this run going. They’re a quality side, the real deal. As for West Brom, there’s no need to be kicking anyone when they’re down, so let’s not labour the point, but that was miserable. Sunderland at home next, though, and the only way from this is up.

2.37pm BST

90 min +3: Hennessey has had bugger all to do this afternoon, but he’s kept his concentration beautifully. McManaman turns Kelly inside out down the left, then batters a shot goalwards from a tight angle. It’s parried brilliantly by the keeper, who wants that clean sheet. And he’s going to get it.

2.36pm BST

90 min +2: McClean curls a fine cross into the Palace box from the right. It’s claimed by Hennessey under pressure from Rondon.

2.34pm BST

90 min +1: There will be four added minutes. And they will be played in quite the celebratory atmosphere. “We’re gonna win the league!” chirp the home fans. Well, why not? What’s the point in sport if you’re not allowed to dream? They’re going third, after all.

2.33pm BST

90 min: Man of the match Zaha, his work here done, is replaced by Ledley.

2.32pm BST

Cabaye lashes the spot kick into the right-hand portion of the net. Game over!

2.31pm BST

88 min: Zaha has been twisting Brunt’s blood all day, and now he earns Palace a spot kick, burning his opponent on the outside. Brunt slides in and that’s a clear penalty kick.

2.30pm BST

86 min: A rare attack from West Brom, McManaman twisting and turning down the left to earn a corner. The set piece is cleared, whereupon Yacob and Zaha tangle down the Palace right. Yacob clatters Zaha, and is then pushed in the throat for his trouble. Two yellows.

2.28pm BST

84 min: More brilliant work from Zaha down the right. He nearly finds Bolasie in the centre. Then another phase of attack, and Souare is in space on the other wing. His early cross from deep is overcooked, but very nearly floats into the top right, Paul Konchesky During The 2006 FA Cup Final style. Very nearly, but not quite.

2.26pm BST

82 min: Souare whips an inviting cross into the box from the left. It’s not far from Campbell’s brow, but McAuley clears. A fine move set in motion by the excellent Bolasie, who evaded a couple of challenges in the centre circle with a clever dinked header and burst of pace.

2.24pm BST

81 min: See 77 min.

2.23pm BST

79 min: A busy couple of minutes for Campbell. Now he’s booked for an agitated tangle with Chester.

2.21pm BST

78 min: Campbell strips the ball off the eternally hapless Dawson on the right-hand corner of the West Brom box. He then falls over, looking for a penalty, when he really should be shooting. He’s not getting it.

2.20pm BST

77 min: One hundred and twenty quality-free seconds pass.

2.18pm BST

75 min: Gayle is replaced with Fraizer Campbell.

2.17pm BST

73 min: Rondon, with McClean in space down the right, creams a comically bad pass deep into the stand. The frown on McClean’s brow could plough concrete.

2.15pm BST

72 min: Rickie Lambert, the unused striker, is sitting on the WBA bench with a face on. As the old joke goes, like the Titanic and Lawrie McMenemy, he should never have left Southampton.

2.13pm BST

70 min: McManaman comes on for Morrison. West Brom fan JR in Illinois is, understandably, still unhappy. “I think I’d rather they played entertaining football in the Championship than this. Of course we can watch every Premier League game here but we only get a couple Championship games a week and I’d hardly ever see them play, so I suppose it’s a catch-22. I didn’t understand what was wrong with Steve Clarke.” You and a million Liverpool fans.

2.12pm BST

What a goal this is! Cabaye’s corner was dreadful, cleared by the first man. But he soon makes up for it. Puncheon picks up the clearance, and dinks Cabaye into space with a sliderule ball down the left. Cabaye drops a shoulder and sends a dipping cross to the far post, allowing Bolasie to crash home from close range! That’s Bolasie’s first goal here since January 2013. Against Wolves in the Championship, for the record. You can’t say it hasn’t been coming.

2.10pm BST

67 min: Corner for Palace down the left this time. Cabaye takes. It’s cleared, but ...

2.08pm BST

65 min: The ever-excellent Zaha wins a corner down the right. Gayle can’t connect at the near post. Cabaye has another lash from distance, but it’s blocked and then cleared by this resolute West Brom defence.

2.07pm BST

64 min: McClean has a hopeful dig from 25 yards. Hennessey, who hasn’t had much to do, gathers with ease. The home support cheer in the ironic style.

2.06pm BST

62 min: Chester is booked for amateurishly bowling Gayle to the ground down the left. A free kick in a dangerous area, and a chance for Palace to load the box. Cabaye can’t beat the first man with his delivery. That’s dismal. He claims a hand ball against Gardner, more in embarrassment than expectation. It’s hit his right arm, which was dangling limply, but the referee’s not having it.

2.03pm BST

59 min: Bolasie and Souare are doing a lot of progressive work down this left wing. With Zaha a terror down the right, Palace have a lovely balance in attack. But West Brom are holding firm right now, keeping their shape. For all their domination of territory and possession, and pretty passing, Palace haven’t been able to carve their opponents open. Yet.

2.00pm BST

57 min: Zaha has been Palace’s star this afternoon. He dances down the right, sashays inside, and feeds Puncheon, who hasn’t got his shooting boots on today. From the edge of the box, it’s three rugby points.

1.59pm BST

55 min: Kelly slips the ball down the right for Zaha, who curls a low cross towards Gayle at the near post. Gayle flicks. It’s deflected out for a corner. The set piece is punched clear by Myhill. Cabaye hammers a volley goalwards from the edge of the area. It’s deflected. Then Bolasie is in acres down the left. He rolls a cross into the mixer, but with several team-mates waiting to shoot, Rondon steps in to intercept.

1.56pm BST

53 min: Not a whole lot going on since the restart. To the credit of the Selhurst Park faithful, the atmosphere’s still bubbling along nicely. Hardly a cauldron, of course, but there are plenty of bigger venues in this league that would be shrouded in near silence when served with fare like this.

1.53pm BST

50 min: Cabaye is back on. Bolasie rolls a ball down the left wing to release Souare into acres of space, though he’s overcooked the pass and it runs out of play. West Brom were light at the back there.

1.52pm BST

47 min: Cabaye is down having taken a crack on his ankle. Gardner stamped on it, but completely accidentally, on the follow-through while kicking the ball. Cabaye had come to him. Cabaye is in a lot of pain, though it looks temporary as he’s hobbling off and preparing to continue. He’s exchanged a friendly nod with Gardner, too, an acknowledgement that the contact was accidental. Everyone playing nicely.

1.49pm BST

“Is there any team in the league that plays less interesting or exciting football than West Brom?” asks JR in Illinois. “Have they even strung together more than three passes in a row today? They just don’t look like doing anything here. This is downright awful. And I say this as a Baggies fan.” Well, that first half wasn’t brilliant. But Pulis will be pleased with his side’s solidity, if nothing else. Palace were all over them, but weren’t given many clear-cut chances. I’d say the only way is up, but they’ve replaced Berahino with Gardner, which suggests even more of a defensive mindset. Needs must, perhaps.

1.36pm BST

Half-time entertainment with Alan Pardew and Derek Jameson:

1.34pm BST

Morrison wins the ball of a dawdling Cabaye near the left-hand corner flag. He breaks into the area, slips the ball back to McClean, who looks to bend one into the top right. it’s blocked. And that’s that for the half. Palace should be leading. But they’re not. Tony Pulis will take a strange sense of satisfaction from that. Alan Pardew will be frustrated. It’s going to be a very interesting second half. Don’t go anywhere!

1.32pm BST

45 min +1: The first of two added minutes sees Souare whistle a shot-cum-cross in from the left. A dangerous ball, but one that’s smothered by Myhill, who has been West Brom’s best player in an otherwise miserable half for them.

1.31pm BST

45 min: Zaha races after a long ball down the right. Brunt sticks an arm out and shoves him to the ground. It should be a free kick just outside the area, but the referee waves play on. That’s preposterous.

1.30pm BST

43 min: Fletcher battles under a high ball down the inside-right channel. He goes down cheaply having been brushed by McArthur, and claims a penalty. Come on now. A corner on the right, though. The ball’s lumped into the middle, where Chester and Kelly do-si-do. A mild kerfuffle, which ends with a free kick awarded against Chester. For a second there, it looked as though West Brom were going to finish this half with an absurd smash and grab against the run of play.

1.28pm BST

41 min: West Brom have only seen 27% of the ball in the last five minutes. Zaha once again skates down the right, powering past Brunt and then McClean, shooting from a tight angle and bringing another fine save out of Myhill. The keeper parries, and Puncheon can’t make anything of the rebound.

1.25pm BST

39 min: Puncheon Zahas in from the right and works himself a little space at the front of the box. He looks to power a curler into the top left, but gets far too much on it. West Brom are being pinned back in the final third. It looks only a matter of time before Palace break through. West Brom are desperate to hear the half-time whistle.

1.24pm BST

38 min: Sheer brilliance from the lively Zaha, who again comes inside from the right to cause Brunt all sorts of blood-twisting trouble. He makes space to shoot from a tight angle, and batters one on target. Myhill, at his near post, stands up strongly to arm the ball out for a corner, which is cleared with ease. Magnificent play by Zaha, yet again, and the goalkeeping wasn’t too shoddy either.

1.22pm BST

36 min: Zaha glides in from the right, then plays a clever dink down the inside-right channel for Gayle. Brunt comes across to close the space down. Gayle should be powering into the box to shoot, but he fails to control properly, and opts to go down instead. No penalty. The referee could book him for diving, but doesn’t.

1.21pm BST

34 min: Cabaye slides in on Berahino, as the striker pootles around the centre circle. That was a bit reckless. A yellow card? Nope. That’s two he’s bodyswerved now. On another day, he could be walking.

1.19pm BST

33 min: Zaha is a menace. He dribbles down the right with extreme prejudice. He eventually takes it out of play, but only because West Brom have three men on him.

1.17pm BST

31 min: Brunt is back. His first act is to head a deep Souare cross from the left clear. But Cabaye brings it down and pearls a shot goalwards from distance. A fierce effort, but straight at Myhill.

1.15pm BST

29 min: Zaha is fouled by Yacob as he skedaddles down the right. A free kick that’s lumped into the area. A bout of head tennis. Zaha takes a fresh air shot. West Brom half clear. Palace come back at the Baggies down the left. Cabaye lumps a dismal shot over the bar when in space on the edge of the area. West Brom are hanging on a bit here.

1.13pm BST

26 min: ... Brunt takes an awful crack on the nose. The free kick’s pulled back to the edge of the area. Brunt rushes in to shoot. He’s closed down by Zaha. His shot balloons over the bar. Zaha, turning in the challenge, accidentally crumps his elbow on Brunt’s hooter. A lot of claret. Ooyah, oof. He has to go off for treatment. No sub.

1.11pm BST

25 min: McClean makes ground down the right. Souare performs a preposterous high-kick across him. A foul, and a booking. Free kick, just to the right of the Palace box. From which ...

1.10pm BST

24 min: Evans, with a jiggered hamstring, limps off and is replaced by Chester.

1.10pm BST

23 min: All a bit scrappy right now. A few petty fouls in the midfield. One free kick not given, though, is Puncheon’s shove on Morrison, who was making good at pace down the inside-left channel. West Brom are quite rightly aggrieved.

1.07pm BST

21 min: Zaha and Kelly combine down the right. Good work which earns a corner down that flank. The set piece is mopped up easily enough by the visitors. Palace are well on top right now.

1.05pm BST

18 min: Zaha diddles Berahino in a tight spot near the byline on the right. He chips across to Bolasie, who rises to head but is stopped by McAuley, who might be tugging his shirt. Only a wee bit though. West Brom clear.

1.03pm BST

17 min: Cabaye comes sliding into the back of Yacob. He should be yellow-carded, but the referee wasn’t watching, as Zaha had been clattered a nanosecond earlier. Palace get the free kick, and their man escapes a booking.

1.01pm BST

16 min: Souare is busy hoofing a long ball up the left wing. Mid hoick, he’s clattered by McClean, who is booked for the late intervention. He can have no complaints.

1.00pm BST

14 min: Hennessey prepares to take a goal kick. All 20 outfield players are standing in a portion of the pitch not much wider than the centre circle. Hmm.

12.58pm BST

12 min: McClean drives in from the right and sends a rising shot over the bar from 25 yards. It’s not much, but it’s something for West Brom, who have been struggling to impose themselves, that early Berahino half-chance apart.

12.57pm BST

11 min: Dawson’s misery continues. A throw deep in Palace territory down the right. He flings it into play, then fails to control a simple return. The crowd critique his efforts in the sarcastic style as the ball arcs into the stand.

12.55pm BST

9 min: The Baggies can’t get hold of the ball at all. This is one-way traffic. Palace will be wanting to strike while the iron is hot.

12.54pm BST

7 min: Dawson plays a loose ball inside from the right. Puncheon snaffles it up, then lays off to Boalsie, whose raking diagonal ball forward towards Zaha on the right is no good. Dawson won’t be looking forward to his half-time chat with Tony Pulis. Then, seconds later, another Palace attack, the ball finding Zaha down the right wing. He jigs inside and nudges the ball past Brunt. A chance to shoot from ten yards, but he drags a lame effort wide of the right-hand post. West Brom are all over the shop right now, and Palace are very much on the front foot.

12.51pm BST

6 min: Dawson dawdles on the WBA right. Bolasie is on him in a flash, and strips the ball off him. He bursts down the Palace left, glides inside, and whistles a daisycutter goalwards from the left-hand edge of the D. Myhill is behind it all the way and swallows it up.

12.50pm BST

4 min: Zaha earns a corner for Palace down the right. Puncheon takes. Gayle drops back to the edge of the box, a training-ground routine. He’s running away from the goal, but takes the ball down, turns, and lashes a shot goalwards. An ambitious effort, and one that’s deflected wide right. The second set piece comes to naught. So that didn’t quite work, but again, full marks for expansive thinking.

12.48pm BST

2 min: A blistering atmosphere at Selhurst Park as ever. The most buoyant crowd in the Premier League? They’re right up there. It’s always an event. There’s a loose ball on the right-hand edge of the Palace box. Berahino has time to create something, but plays a ludicrously ambitious first-time lob towards the top left. It’d work at Twickenham later on, but not here.

12.46pm BST

Does that work, or is it terrible? Not sure. It’s a thin line. But full marks for effort, anyway. Palace get the ball rolling, a long ball down the left nearly releasing Gayle. But the Palace man has his elbow on McAuley’s neck. Free kick.

12.43pm BST

The teams are out! Palace in their modern red and blue; West Brom with their classic navy and white, as natty as ever. Their badge isn’t as good as the one they had in the 1970s, though. Then again, can any club say that? Nope! We’ll be off in a minute.

12.38pm BST

Both of these clubs have sent their players out in some fine threads over the years. Palace mainly play in red and blue these days, although they have the occasional dalliance with white, and one such effort from the late 70s stands as their signature strip. Genuinely beautiful.

12.00pm BST

Two changes for Palace from the team that started the game at Vicarage Road last weekend. Joe Ledley and Bakary Sako drop to the bench, with James McArthur and Wilfried Zaha moving on up. Meanwhile a boost for the Baggies, who were preparing for life without injured trio Jonas Olsson, Gareth McAuley and Salomon Róndon: McAuley and Róndon make the starting XI.

11.50am BST

Crystal Palace: Hennessey, Kelly, Hangeland, Dann, Souare, McArthur, Cabaye, Bolasie, Puncheon, Zaha, Gayle.
Subs: Mariappa, Bamford, Campbell, Alex McCarthy, Sako, Ledley, Gray.

West Bromwich Albion: Myhill, McAuley, Evans, Dawson, Brunt, Morrison, Yacob, Fletcher, McClean, Rondon, Berahino.
Subs: Chester, Gardner, Anichebe, Gamboa, Lambert, McManaman, Lindegaard.

9.48am BST

With the best part of a fifth of the season gone, Crystal Palace are: four points clear of the champions Chelsea; one point ahead of Liverpool; level on points with Tottenham Hotspur and Everton; one point behind Arsenal; and just the one win behind Manchester City. Manchester United aren’t exactly a dot in the distance either. Palace have won at Stamford Bridge, and were unfortunate in all three of their league losses this season, against Arsenal, Spurs and City. They’re in a good place right now. And that place could be third in a couple of hours.

All hail Alan Pardew, then. Tony Pulis, formerly of Palace but on the West Bromwich Albion bench today, thinks Pardew’s earned a crack at the England job. “He has got to be looked at.” Fair enough. Here, perhaps Pardew could return the favour and big up Pulis for the Welsh gig? After all, Palace wouldn’t be where they are today without their former manager. He hauled them off the bottom of the table in 2013-14, keeping them up against the odds with a remarkable run of form, the signature results of a memorable campaign being a trend-starting victory over Jose Mourinho, and the miracle of Crystanbul. He never gets relegated, you see.

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A brief guide to … the history behind Manchester United and Arsenal's rivalry

Man United and Arsenal had rarely contested the big prizes together. Then Arsene Wenger came to town, and the two sides suddenly couldn’t stand each other

With the Guardian’s unstoppable rise to global dominance (NOTE: actual dominance may not be global. Or dominant) we at Guardian US thought we’d run a series of articles for newer football fans wishing to improve their knowledge of the game’s history and storylines, hopefully in a way that doesn’t patronise you to within an inch of your life. A warning: If you’re the kind of person that finds the Blizzard too populist this may not be the series for you.

When Arsenal were establishing themselves as the Establishment club during the 1930s, Manchester United were a second-division irrelevance. Then when United began to build their own stellar reputation during the wonders and wakes of the 1950s, Arsenal fell into the doldrums, for a while in the sixties a busted flush. The Gunners bounced back in the early 1970s, but by then United were on the road to the second division again.

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Borussia Mönchengladbach v Manchester City: Champions League – as it happened

A wonderfully entertaining game of end-to-end nonsense, City coming from behind to record a victory that sets their Champions League campaign in motion

Read Jamie Jackson’s full match report

9.39pm BST

But the hosts do nothing with the ball, and City have their win! What a game! What drama! City were second best until going behind, at which point they eventually showed their class. And they deservedly turned it round, such was the force at which they came at a previously dominant Gladbach. Suddenly the picture looks a whole lot brighter! They’re on three points in the table alongside Sevilla, and can start dreaming of better days again. Poor Gladbach are rock bottom, and perhaps should have wrapped up that game before City were allowed to turn it around. But in truth it was one of those matches that defied logic. It could have ended 5-5, or 5-0 to either team. Can Mönchengladbach play in this competition every year, please?

Related: Sergio Agüero seals late Manchester City win at Borussia Mönchengladbach

9.38pm BST

90 min +6: City lose the ball from the corner. Ridiculous! Gladbach can launch one last attack!

9.37pm BST

90 min +5: The swab is finally successfully inserted.

9.36pm BST

90 min +4: City are waiting to take their corner. The Gladbach physio is attempting to cram a swab up Sommer’s poor beak.

9.36pm BST

90 min +3: There are only a few seconds of the two minutes remaining, but Sommer is bleeding quite heavily, so this might take a while. Gladbach have no subs left. City replace Sterling with Zabaleta.

9.35pm BST

90 min +2: Sterling rolls the ball down the left for De Bruyne, who fires a low ball to the near post. Aguero, rushing in, looks to flick home from close range. But the ball pings off Sommer’s hip, and out for a corner. A stunning save! And a brave one too, because he’s taken one on the nose from Wendt, who was rushing back.

9.33pm BST

90 min +1: There will be two added minutes. One’s already elapsed!

9.32pm BST

Aguero slams the ball into the bottom-right corner! Unstoppable! City have turned this around magnificently!

9.31pm BST

89 min: The ball is at Aguero’s feet on the penalty spot. He drops a shoulder to the right, and attempts to scoot past Johnson. Johnson hangs a leg out, and clips Aguero, who goes down. The referee quite correctly points to the spot. Aguero will pick himself up and take the spot kick.

9.30pm BST

88 min: Juventus have made it 2-0 against Sevilla, Zaza with their second. Unless something strange happens, they’re going to go top with six points. Sevilla on three. And as this match stands, it’ll be the Foals and the Citizens on one point. Unless someone can grab a winner. With this in mind, Navas earns a corner on the right. From which ...

9.29pm BST

87 min: Dominguez is booked for a foul on a scampering Aguero in the centre circle.

9.28pm BST

86 min: Traore cuts in from the right, a lovely dribble. He loops a ball across for Hahn, who is in space in the left-hand portion of the area. He attempts to smash one across Hart and into the top right. It balloons off Sagna and out for a corner, which is easily cleared. This game has been brilliant from the get-go. It’s never let up.

9.27pm BST

85 min: Gladbach replace Dahoud with Nordtveit.

9.26pm BST

84 min: Brilliance by Navas down the right, turning on the jets to reach the byline. He digs out a fine cross, which is met by a towering header from ... Sterling. The wee man’s effort from the penalty spot isn’t far over the bar at all. That’s so close. Marvellous.

9.25pm BST

83 min: City go up the other end and nearly score, Aguero threading a shot through a thicket of players from the edge of the area, the ball missing the left-hand post by inches. A wonderful attempt.

9.24pm BST

81 min: Raffael holds the ball down the inside-left channel. He’s waiting for Hahn to come back onside. Hahn does so, and then bending his run, turns back down the channel, released by Raffael’s pass. The flag goes up for offside. That was a borderline decision at best, Demichelis looked suspiciously level. But City escape.

9.21pm BST

79 min: Kolarov strides down the left having intercepted a loose Dahoud pass in the middle of the park. His low cross nearly finds Aguero at the near post, but a corner will have to suffice. From the set piece, Otamendi causes more bother, but the ball squirts out on the right.

9.20pm BST

78 min: Korb is replaced by Traore.

9.19pm BST

77 min: Navas cuts in from the right. He lays off for De Bruyne, who has his back to goal, just to the right of the D. He rolls the ball back for Fernandinho, who looks to power a curler into the top right. It’s over the bar, but not by much. It’s Gladbach’s turn to look porous at the back. They’re rocking. Can City take advantage?

9.17pm BST

76 min: It’s all City. Gladbach can’t get a touch.

9.16pm BST

74 min: Sterling skedaddles into space down the left. A low cross is met by Aguero, but not convincingly. The ball breaks to Navas on the right. He can’t get a shot away, though. City are soon coming back at Gladbach, Aguero twisting and turning Christensen down the left. The full back stands tall, though, and blocks the eventual shot. The ball breaks to De Bruyne, who attempts to lash one in from a tight angle. Nope! But at the moment, there only looks like one winner. Strange game football, huh?

9.14pm BST

72 min: Hahn comes on for the hosts, replacing Herrmann.

9.14pm BST

71 min: Navas and Aguero combine down the right and nearly open the hosts up. The ball’s pulled back to Fernandinho, who fizzes a low diagonal shot inches wide left. City are getting on top here, after being over-run for the majority of the match. What a win this would be if they could force it.

9.11pm BST

69 min: City are very much on the front foot now. De Bruyne whistles a ball into the Gladbach box from the left. Nobody’s taken a chance to meet it.

9.10pm BST

67 min: Korb is booked for repeated niggling. That goal, though. Demichelis and Otamendi both scored within seconds of each other, and yet neither may end up with the credit. They’ve both been utterly appalling at the back, so it’s just as well they’ve chipped in at the other end.

9.08pm BST

What a farce this is! De Bruyne takes the corner. Demichelis meets it, and thighs powerfully into the top left. Korb scissor kicks it out, but it’s miles over the line. The goal, preposterously, isn’t given. But no matter! Because the ball drops to Otamendi, who volleys home from the penalty spot! That took a huge deflection off Christensen, who was trying to head it clear, but Otamendi celebrates an astonishing equaliser!

9.06pm BST

64 min: Sagna earns a corner down the right. Before it can be taken, Silva is replaced by Navas. And then, from the set piece ...

9.05pm BST

62 min: Sterling is upended down the left. Kolarov’s free kick is headed clear by Johnson. Dahoud breaks powerfully down the right, then loops a cross into the middle. Were it not overhit, Raffael was free on goal. City are a defensive wreck.

9.03pm BST

61 min: Kolarov makes a song and dance of clearing a simple ball down the right. He’s nearly robbed by Herrmann, who would have been clear on goal. He sort of heads it back upfield, but only to Korb, who was about to slide Herrmann free until a friendly flag shot up. A foul on Kolarov. The home fans raise hell, as well they might. City a bit lucky there.

9.01pm BST

59 min: Sterling sashays in from the left and has a dig. It’s blocked, but breaks to De Bruyne, who has a go himself. That one’s deflected out left for a corner, which again is easily dealt with by Gladbach. But that’s a little better from City.

8.59pm BST

57 min: Kolarov makes good down the left and earns a corner. But the set piece is easily cleared. Sommer hasn’t looked that dominant, but he’s not had that much to do tonight. Or not half as much as Hart, anyway. City really need to up their game.

8.57pm BST

55 min: A ball bouncing around the Gladbach area. Sommer should come out to claim, but hesitates. Herrmann, level with his left-hand post, ridiculously lets the ball bounce again. Silva sticks a leg out, and his effort squirts wide left from close range. That would have been the softest equaliser. But it should give City succour: they’re not the only ones utterly clueless in defence.

8.56pm BST

Well this has been coming, hasn’t it. Korb is sent into acres down the right. Kolarov is on holiday. Korb has all the time he needs to carefully slide a ball inside for Stindl, who opens his body up and sidefoots powerfully into the bottom right, first time. City in all sorts of bother now.

8.55pm BST

8.54pm BST

51 min: Raffael slides a cute pass down the middle for Stindl, who is denied a shot by Fernando. From the corner, the ball falls to the feet of Xhaka on the penalty spot. He slaps a shot goalwards, but it’s blocked by Fernandinho. It slaps his left hand, but it’s not a penalty. Probably the correct decision for once, because the City midfielder didn’t move his arm to the ball, and there wasn’t much space between the players. From the rebound, City break upfield, but Silva is unable to work enough space down the inside-left channel to take a shot. This is one of the most ludicrously entertaining, open matches I’ve ever seen in the Champions League.

8.52pm BST

49 min: Silva and De Bruyne combine down the left to feed Kolarov, whose low fizzer into the middle is deflected out for a corner. Nothing comes from the set piece. A feeling here that City will have to score one or two, because that defence doesn’t look steady at all. “I thought you might be interested to know that ZDF in Germany has - unusually, as they normally opt for the German team that’s at home on the Wednesday night - gone for the Manchester United match rather than Mönchengladbach versus City, reports Wilson Beuys. “I don’t know whether this means the ZDF big hats think United are a bigger draw for German viewers, Wolfsburg are newsworthy because of the VW emissions scandal, City are unpopular arrivistes, or Gladbach have never been a big draw since Günter Netzer left.”

8.50pm BST

48 min: City are struggling to string more than a couple of passes together right now. Fernando, sitting deep, is nearly robbed by Dahoud. It’s lucky he managed to retain possession, because there was nobody else back for City.

8.49pm BST

46 min: City’s defence is still a ragged nonsense. A high offside line is easily sprung by Raffael down the left. He’s free! He enters the box and looks to curl one into the top right. Hart, already City’s man of the match by a ludicrous distance, parries this one. Raffael should have given him no chance of saving, though.

8.47pm BST

City get the ball rolling. More of the same, please, teams, only with added goals. City have made a change: Yaya Toure is replaced by Fernando. “I’ve had to mute the BT Sport commentary,” writes Salfordian Blue. “Robbie Savage is the sentient [Censored – Guardian Proctology Editor] dangling from the [Censored – Guardian Proctology Editor] of punditry. He’s only slightly less annoying than our defending.”

8.34pm BST

Half-time entertainment: Any excuse to flag up the classic documentary City!, filmed not that long after these two clubs last met in 1979. “I ain’t going to have people who are going about and, excuse the expression, pissing about and sort of flouting the image of Manchester City about, I don’t think that’s right.” John Bond there. How did he not win anything at Maine Road?

8.31pm BST

It really is 0-0. No idea how. No point asking. But never mind the scoreline, this is as entertaining as football gets. No flipping! You’re not going to flip, are you.

8.29pm BST

44 min: Corner for City down the right. De Bruyne takes, and finds Fernandinho, who heads harmlessly over from 12 yards.

8.29pm BST

43 min: A high ball hooked into the Gladbach area from the right. Sterling, cutting in from the left, has space, ten yards out and level with the post. He looks to power a header downwards and into the bottom right, but can only guide it into the grateful arms of Sommer.

8.28pm BST

42 min: Kolarov, Sterling and Toure ping pretty triangles down the left, nearly opening the hosts up. Not quite, but nice to watch. Elsewhere in this group, Morata has given Juventus the lead against Sevilla. “I had a double take reading the 30 minute comment,”writes Daniel Johnson. “It may have been Freudian, reading that Sterling was trotting back to Anfield. We can dream, I guess.”

8.25pm BST

40 min: In a parallel universe, the score is 5-5.

8.25pm BST

38 min: Silva scores three rugby points from a position down the inside-right channel, 30 yards out.

8.25pm BST

37 min: Gladbach should have another penalty. Stindl dances into the area down the right. Fernandinho slides in rashly. He clips Stindl, who goes over. The referee gets this one wrong as well, booking Stindl for a dive. That’s an appalling decision, and City are as fortunate there as they were hard done by earlier.

8.23pm BST

36 min: Raffael dances down the middle of the park. Brilliant close control. He draws the entire City defence towards him, then flicks a pass down the right channel to ping Herrmann free. He should score, but his attempted flick over Hart is blocked by the keeper, who is in one of his Barcelona moods tonight.

8.20pm BST

34 min: Xhaka sends a sliderule pass down the inside-right channel to open City up. Raffael is free in the area, albeit facing a tight angle. He pearls his shot on target, but Hart is out to the left-hand corner of his six-yard box to spread himself, in a Peter Schmeichel starfish, and smother. A magnificent save. The resulting corner comes to nothing.

8.18pm BST

32 min: Silva chips a ball down the right wing to release the busy De Bruyne, who volleys a strange attempted cross miles into the stand behind the goal. The home crowd enjoyed that one.

8.16pm BST

30 min: This is getting daft now. Sterling scuttles into a huge empty space down the left. He enters the box. He should shoot, but opts to cross. A witless ball goes nowhere near Aguero in the middle, or De Bruyne coming in from the right. Sterling has the good grace to look a bit embarrassed as he picks himself up off the turf and trots back upfield.

8.15pm BST

29 min: Now there’s a burst of pace from Aguero down the left. He wheechs a shot across Sommer and out to the right of goal.

8.14pm BST

28 min: Lovely play from City down the right. Fernandinho slips the ball down the wing to Toure, who in turn feeds Silva, who shuttles the ball further forward to De Bruyne. The ball’s pulled back for Aguero, but hacked clear by Christensen.

8.12pm BST

27 min: Herrmann looks to burst down the right wing, and is cynically checked by Kolarov. The City defender is very fortunate to escape a booking there.

8.11pm BST

25 min: The penalty miss hasn’t silenced the home crowd. The atmosphere is bubbling away nicely. A rolling boil. It must be influencing the freeform nonsense on the pitch. It must be. Raffael strides down the left and has a dig from the best part of 30 yards. It’s wide right and high, but he should never have been given the opportunity to shoot. City’s defence is a bit of a shambles.

8.09pm BST

22 min: Herrmann is sent into acres down the right. He’s clear in City’s box, and pulls the ball back for Stindl, who blasts carelessly wide right and high from 12 yards. What a miss! However it transpires Hermann was many yards offside. This is breathless.

8.08pm BST

20 min: ... Hart collects and bowls the ball out down the right. Suddenly - because Gladbach have committed everyone forward - Aguero is tearing clear down the inside-right channel! He’s one on one with Sommer! He has to score (pt. II). But he whistles his low shot across the keeper and wide of the left-hand post! How on earth is this game still 0-0? It could quite easily be 3-3!

8.06pm BST

19 min: Hart saves Raffael’s penalty! It’s sent towards the bottom left corner. Hart reads it, and punches it back across the face of goal. It’s knocked out for a corner on the right. From which ...

8.05pm BST

18 min: Raffael makes his way through a couple of tackles down the right. He enters the box. Otamendi sticks his leg out. Raffael goes over it, but was heading towards the turf very early in anticipation. That’s a very cheap penalty. I’m not sure that’s the correct decision at all. Raffael was going down, looking for that.

8.03pm BST

17 min: De Bryune bustles down the right and fires a low cross into the area. It’s easily cleared by Wendt. Sterling, out on the left, was a bit passive there. If he’d come inside, he might have latched onto that ball in.

8.01pm BST

15 min: Sterling looks up for this. He battles down the left and is eventually bowled over by a frustrated Xhaka. Free kick, and a chance for City to load the box. Silva takes. Otamendi nearly gets his head on the ball, ten yards out. Gladbach don’t look particularly happy under high balls. It’s half cleared. The ball drops to Toure, 25 yards out. A trademark volley is blocked at source. This is a very entertaining match.

7.59pm BST

13 min: The first corner leads to a repeat. The second finds Kolarov with the ball at his feet on the penalty spot. He can’t dig it out from under his boots, and the eventual snapshot is easily blocked. This isn’t going to end 0-0. It can’t. It surely can’t.

7.57pm BST

12 min: Silva sprays the ball wide left for Sterling, who smoothly glides in from the wing and looks to curl one into the top right. It’s a decent effort, but deflected out for a corner on the left.

7.56pm BST

10 min: ... the ball drops to De Bryune, just outside the area. He takes a fresh air swipe, and Raffael tears upfield. It’s two on two! The best part of 100 yards to travel, though. Raffael eventually feeds the ball left for Herrmann, who cuts in from the left and enters the area. He zips a low shot across Hart and inches wide of the right-hand post. Both teams could easily have a couple of goals to their name already.

7.55pm BST

9 min: Kolarov powers down the left wing and hoicks a curler into the Gladbach box. Aguero would have got his head on that were he nine feet tall. Then there’s another phase of attack, De Bruyne and Silva one-twoing down the inside-right channel, the former firing straight across the face of goal. The ball’s turned out for a corner, from which ...

7.52pm BST

7 min: City have settled now after that shaky start. They’re enjoying the lion’s share of possession, and stroking it around the midfield in the dominant style. Going nowhere, but that’s not really the point right now.

7.51pm BST

5 min: But it’s City who nearly take the lead! Sterling gets ahead of Christensen down the left, and whistles a low ball through the six-yard box. Aguero is free, level with the right-hand post. He has to score! But his first-time toe-poke, at full stretch, is straight at Sommer, who is star-jumping in desperation! The ball hits the keeper on the arse, balloons into the air, and is headed clear by Dominguez.

7.49pm BST

3 min: And City are on the back foot again. Johnson makes good down the inside-left channel, and feeds the ball left to Raffael. The striker’s in the area, but from a tight-ish angle lashes a wild shot wide left of the goal. He only had Hart to beat. This is a poor start by City.

7.48pm BST

2 min: Both sides making sure they get a few touches of the ball. The bouncing crowd doing most of the work so far. But then from nothing, Dahoud finds a bit of space 30 yards out, and slides a ball through a huge gap in the middle of City’s defence. Raffael would have been clean through if the pass wasn’t overhit. Worrying for City.

7.46pm BST

Gladbach get the ball rolling. They’re wearing their famous black-and-white shirts. The visitors are in neon yellow. What a belting atmosphere. The Champions League really comes alive when it’s not the same old, same old clubs competing every year. The hairs are standing on your neck, yes?

7.44pm BST

Here we go, then, my Eurofootyphile friends. It’s crunch time for City and Gladbach in the group of death. Defeat tonight for either team will spell real trouble, with last season’s finalists Juventus and Europa League winners Sevilla also in this pool, and already with wins in the bank. A draw will probably be of little use either. So someone’s going to go home unhappy tonight. Perhaps both teams will. One may escape with a win and some hope, though. Good luck calling it. City are the stronger team on paper, certainly when you tot up the transfer fees. But there’s a real sense of occasion at the Borussia-Park tonight, the black, white and green of Gladbach flashing away in the stands as the hosts play a home tie in the European Cup for the first time in 37 years. What an atmosphere! Enough to propel Gladbach to victory?

7.25pm BST

Borussia Mönchengladbach boast one of the most beautifully simple crests in world football, don’t they? Yes. Yes they do. Gorgeous.

7.15pm BST

Seven goals in the last two games for Gladbach. All the scorers start: winger Fabian Johnson, strikers Raffael and Lars Stindl, central midfielder Mahmoud Dahoud, and captain Granit Xhaka. That dismal six-game losing streak won’t be quite forgotten - it did for manager Favre after all - but there are strong signs that the confidence is coming back. City meanwhile name injury worries Yaya Toure and David Silva, though they’re without injured captain Vincent Kompany. Manuel Pellegrini will sit on the bench watching, something that’s worthy of comment because he very nearly didn’t make the flight to Germany, having grabbed the wrong passport when dashing out of the house. Oops. No harm done.

6.50pm BST

Borussia Mönchengladbach: Sommer, Korb, Christensen, Dominguez, Wendt, Dahoud, Xhaka, Herrmann, Johnson, Raffael, Stindl.
Subs: Heimeroth, Nordtveit, Drmic, Hazard, Traore, Schultz, Hahn.

Manchester City: Hart, Sagna, Otamendi, Demichelis, Kolarov, Fernandinho, Toure, Sterling, De Bruyne, Silva, Aguero.
Subs: Caballero, Zabaleta, Maffeo, Evans, Fernando, Barker, Navas.

10.42am BST

If you factor clubs from Merseyside out of the equation, Borussia Mönchengladbach have a pretty good record against English teams. In their Seventies pomp, the Foals lost a European Cup tie on penalties - the first shootout in the tournament’s history - to Everton in 1970, the Uefa Cup final to Liverpool in 1973, the European Cup final to Liverpool in 1977, and the European Cup semi-final to Liverpool in 1978. Hmm. But they did knock Arsenal out of the 1996-97 Uefa Cup, and perhaps more pertinently to tonight’s action, dispatch Manchester City from the same competition at the quarter-final stage in 1979 en route to winning the trophy.

That was quite the tie. Mick Channon had given City an early lead in the first leg at Maine Road, but Ewald Lienen equalised in the second half, and Mönchengladbach ran out easy winners in the return, Christian Kulik, Hans-Günter Bruns and Karl Del’Haye all scoring before Kazimierz Deyna notched a late consolation. In City’s team alongside Channon that night: Joe Corrigan, Dave Watson, Paul Power, Colin Viljoen, Asa Hartford, Peter Barnes.

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The Fiver | Belching out a few questionable emissions

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BIG FUN

So far it’s turning out to be another wonderful season of Big Cup action for English football fans. For some reason, most of the media in this country start their work by assuming the majority of folk are desperately unhappy to witness Arsenal, Chelsea, Manchester City and Manchester United stumble around Europe like drunk sailors on the dockside looking for a match to light their damp cheroot and the bit of rope that once held up their trousers. They’re not that unhappy, though, are they, if the bellows of laughter pealing across the country from Barrow to Bognor Regis are anything to go by. In fact, to date, the whole shebang seems to have been considered a marvellous wheeze. On the whole, it’s going down very well.

QUOTE OF THE DAY

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Porto v Chelsea: Champions League – as it happened

Chelsea came unstuck on a night of end-to-end excitement at the Estádio Dragão.

9.37pm BST

The very last act of the game sees Diego Costa busy himself on the edge of the Porto box. He runs towards some space by the penalty spot, then loses control, unable to get his shot away. Kenedy rushes in from the right and whips a snapshot wide left, with Casillas falling backwards and the goal gaping. No equaliser, and Porto celebrate a hard-fought victory. Which was ultimately deserved on the balance of play - though that late penalty shout puts a different complexion on the argument all right. And, oh yes, Jay-Jay Okocha.

9.34pm BST

90 min: Marcano lets a long ball bounce down the inside-right channel. Diego Costa strides into the box and crosses. The ball hits Marcano on the top of the arm and goes out for a corner. Diego Costa is beside himself with anger. He’s livid, even by his own standards. But he’s not getting the decision. He should do, though. Marcano moved his shoulder into that a little bit, and though the two players were awfully close to each other, it looked deliberate.

9.31pm BST

89 min: Imbula is booked for a trip on Willian in the middle of the park. Seven yellows this evening, though it’s not been a dirty or especially cynical match. “Eric Djemba-Djemba,” chirps Simon Cherry, almost immediately. Of course. Of course.

9.30pm BST

88 min: Free kick for Chelsea, 40 yards out down the left. A chance to load the box. Fabregas takes. But it doesn’t clear the first man, Osvaldo, who heads powerfully clear.

9.29pm BST

86 min: Osvaldo comes on for the superlative Brahimi. “Apart from Mr Andre Andre, can you think of any other double named footy players?” asks Jared Brown. “Boutros Boutros Ghali and Ford Maddox Ford probably had a kick around with their mates but apart from them I’m flummoxed.”

9.27pm BST

85 min: Matic has a crack from long range. It’d have gone down well at the Rugby World Cup. “It’s just this second hit me,” writes Dan Lane. “BT commentator Ian Darke sounds everso slightly like Stephen Toast. I can’t unhear him now.” I can hear you, Steve McManaman.

9.25pm BST

82 min: Danilo is now booked for taking a handful of Hazard’s shirt.

9.24pm BST

81 min: Corner for Porto down the right. Layun whips it to te near post, where Danilo glances a wonderful header past Begovic and onto the left-hand post. Marcano tries to convert the rebound, but is wrestled to the ground by Ivanovic. A very light wrestle, though. No penalty. Chelsea clear. The woodwork’s been rattled at both ends.

9.22pm BST

80 min: Layun replaces Andre Andre.

9.21pm BST

79 min: Imbula bustles through the centre circle. Chelsea can’t get the ball off him. Matic, frustrated, tugs him back. He’s booked.

9.20pm BST

78 min: Ruben Neves is replaced by Evandro.

9.20pm BST

77 min: Chelsea attempt to establish a semblance of control in the middle of the park. Willian, Fabregas and Hazard pinging it around in pretty triangles, without really going anywhere. The clock’s not really Chelsea’s friend right now, but even so, this is probably a sensible tactic, given how dramatically they were rocking around the 70-minute mark.

9.17pm BST

74 min: I’ve not seen Chelsea getting battered like that since the late 1980s. Porto were coming at them from all angles! But no third goal, and now Chelsea should be level! A corner down the left. Willian hits it long, Casillas comes and flaps, and Ivanovic should head home from ten yards into an empty net. But he sends his header wide! What a miserable evening he’s had.

9.16pm BST

72 min: Porto are relentless. From that corner, Brahimi has another batter from the left. Begovic saves at his feet. The second corner is cleared. Mourinho responds to this pinball nonsense by replacing Ramires and Pedro with Kenedy and Matic.

9.14pm BST

70 min: They’re dicing with trouble all right. Imbula, his back to goal 30 yards out down the left, takes the ball down brilliantly, turns and sends a dipping screamer just over the bar. In the very next phase of play, he’s battering a shot from 25 yards. Begovic parries. Brahimi fizzes a ball through the six-yard box from the left. Nobody there to convert. Danilo has a whack from the right. The shot breaks to Imbula, who has another dig from distance. Corner.

9.14pm BST

9.11pm BST

69 min: Aboubakar very nearly scoots clear into the Chelsea area down the left, but loses control and wanders the ball over the byline and out of play. Chelsea are all over the shop right now.

9.08pm BST

66 min: Azpilicueta is booked for a cynical tug on Andre Andre, who was threatening to break into a lot of space down the right. He makes no argument.

9.06pm BST

64 min: Fabregas slides Hazard into space down the inside-right channel. Striding into the area, he beats Maicon to the ball by a millisecond. Maicon is sliding in recklessly, and if Hazard chooses to go over his leg, that’s a penalty. But he opts to stay up, and from a tight angle lashes a shot into the side netting. Honest Eden.

9.04pm BST

62 min: Brahimi latches onto a loose ball down the inside-left channel, Chelsea again snoozing to a man. All bar Mikel, who chases Brahimi as he glides inside and prepares to shoot. He slides in to rescue the situation. A wonderful tackle. And his last act of the game, as he’s replaced by Hazard.

9.02pm BST

60 min: The first lull since the restart. The first 15 minutes of this half have just flown by. The players deserve a breather.

9.00pm BST

58 min: Willian in acres down the left. He sends a simply wonderful cross through the six-yard box. Pedro was in the middle, six yards out, with no defenders hassling him, and made no effort whatsoever to get to that! Eh?

8.59pm BST

56 min: Chelsea are rocking at the back though. Brahimi twists Ivanovic this way and that yet again, entering the box and getting a shot away. But to Ivanovic’s credit, he gets back in the game this time, and closes the shot down. The ball balloons off to the other wing, where Danilo blasts goalwards from a tight angle. That effort’s deflected too, and eventually cleared by Zouma. It could have been 2-2, it could have been 3-1. What a start to the half this has been!

8.57pm BST

54 min: Chelsea are almost immediately level, and are so unlucky to still be losing. Diego Costa, out on the left, touches the ball inside, and with an insouciant yet very powerful swing of his right boot, sends a blistering curler towards the top right from 25 yards. It’s beaten Casillas all ends up, a sensational effort, but crashes off the underside of the bar and out to safety. That is beyond unfortunate. A simply stunning strike.

8.55pm BST

Ivanovic is bypassed yet again down the left by Brahimi, who dances and dribbles and wins a corner with a deflection. The corner’s whipped to the left-hand corner of the six-yard box. Maicon, who had been on the line, rushes out to meet it, stoops and guides a clever header backwards and into the bottom left! Not a single Chelsea defender responded to that. This is most unMourinhoesque.

8.53pm BST

51 min: Willian is brought down by Maxi Pereira as he tears down the left. A chance to load the box. Willian’s long loop into the area flies harmlessly wide right.

8.51pm BST

49 min: Ruben Neves has a dig from distance. It’s not far from whistling into the top right. Let’s hope the rest of the half continues in this manner. Both teams have come out with a very positive mindset.

8.50pm BST

48 min: Azpilicueta slips Willian into space down the left. Willian enters the box and slips a pass inside for Diego Costa, who can’t get a shot away from the penalty spot. It deflects out for a corner, and Ramires relieves the early pressure on Porto with a needless shove on Aboubakar. But Chelsea already look more determined, playing with a higher tempo.

8.47pm BST

Well, Ramires and Willian combined brilliantly to get Chelsea back on terms there. With a little help from Casillas, perhaps. Diego Costa has been impressive, too, and there have been flashes from Fabregas. But no other Chelsea players came out with much credit from that opening 45. A fair chance Jose Mourinho will have made this point with some force and feeling during the half-time interval. No changes, though. Chelsea get the ball rolling again.

8.35pm BST

Half-time advertisement (dir. Alan Parker): Anyone for some of the local dessert wine?

8.34pm BST

And that was the very last kick of the half, the referee blowing up the second the net started billowing. Chelsea were hanging on for a little while there, but now look! It’ll make for a fascinating second half. No flipping!

8.33pm BST

What a free kick by Willian! He whips the ball up and over the wall, and into the right-hand side of the net. Casillas was planted to the ground. He should have been dealing with that, it was on his side, but take nothing away from Willian’s delivery!

8.31pm BST

45 min +1: And here come Chelsea again, through Ramires down the left. He dribbles inside, lovely close control, and draws a foul from Maxi Pereira. A free kick just to the left of the D.

8.30pm BST

44 min: Or can they strike back before the whistle? Willian makes good down the left, a direct and determined run into space. He rolls a little pass inside, and it’s not far from finding the feet of Diego Costa, just inside the area. But the ball’s hacked clear.

8.29pm BST

43 min: Chelsea are struggling to string more than a couple of passes together at once. Half time can’t come quickly enough.

8.27pm BST

41 min: Cahill is booked for a late lunge on Aboubakar. From the free kick, Maicon attempts to beat Begovic, who had sauntered off his line, from inside his own half. The ball flies wide right of the goal ... but not that far wide. Porto are full of confidence. Chelsea, not so much.

8.26pm BST

And this had been coming. Brahimi dances into the Chelsea box from the left. He waltzes past a static Ivanovic and looks for the top right. Begovic sticks out a strong arm and saves brilliantly, but it’s all he can do to parry the ball towards Andre Andre on the penalty spot. The man so good they named him twice sweeps a first-time shot into the unguarded net. Poor Ivanovic. A Chelsea legend, but time marches on and this can’t continue.

8.22pm BST

36 min: Chelsea continue to offer up half-chances. Aboubakar and Andre Andre combine down the inside-right channel, the ball breaking to Maxi Pereira on the edge of the box. He lashes his shot miles wide left. But Chelsea are playing a risky game here.

8.21pm BST

34 min: Aboubakar sashays down the left wing before smoothly gliding infield. Zouma, backing off, offers him space and time to shoot. He curls powerfully towards the top right from 25 yards. Not sure Begovic was getting that had it been on target. But that’s irrelevant, Aboubakar getting far too much on the shot, the ball flying miles wide right and high.

8.19pm BST

32 min: Fabregas, down the right, pings a gorgeous diagonal ball towards Diego Costa on the left-hand edge of the Porto D. The striker brings the ball down beautifully, then evades two challenges with some ball-on-string close control. A lovely touch for a big etc., and so on, and so forth. He can’t quite get a shot away, but it would have been absolutely sensational if he had, so fair’s fair. He’s playing very well tonight.

8.17pm BST

30 min: Maxi Pereira drops a shoulder to skate past Willian down the right. He enters the box and looks to curl one into the top left. The effort deflects off Azpilicueta. Ivanovic heads the corner away from danger, a fine clearance. Perhaps that’ll calm him down, because he’s looked very edgy so far. A minute or so previously, 30 yards out down the right with Chelsea on the attack, he pea-rolled an awful pass out for a goal kick with plenty of options ahead of him. On the touchline, several gallons of hot steam poured out of Mourinho’s lugs.

8.14pm BST

27 min: Diego Costa and Fabregas are Chelsea’s main men right now. The pair combine in a very pretty fashion down the right wing. Fabregas nearly dances his way to freedom in the area, but is eventually forced to check back by Martins Indi.

8.12pm BST

25 min: Marcano is booked, quite correctly, for a ludicrous high leg across Diego Costa. The resulting free kick, 30 yards out down the right, is looped to the far post by Fabregas. Cahill rises, and sends a harmless header across the face of goal and out to the right.

8.11pm BST

23 min: But more mistakes at the back from Chelsea. A poor clearing header by Ivanovic, then a dangerous looking scissor tackle which doesn’t quite catch Aboubakar, but could have. Aboubakar eventually gets up, Porto working the ball down the left. He lashes a shot wide right of goal from a position on the left. A half-chance, nothing more. Fabregas goes over to give Zouma some encouragement, or perhaps a bollocking.

8.09pm BST

22 min: A suicidal pass by Zouma, in the middle of his own half, out left from a central position. If Andre Andre was on the front foot, he’d have zipped clear down the Porto right. Fortunately for Zouma, he isn’t.

8.07pm BST

20 min: A free kick for that challenge, deep on the left, and a chance for Chelsea to load the box. Willian’s delivery doesn’t beat the first man. Dismal. Before the kick was taken, Diego Costa instigated three nose-to-nose arguments at once with members of the Porto wall. Marvellous pantomime entertainment. He’s a singular man.

8.05pm BST

19 min: Martins Indi is booked for a really unpleasant lunge on Pedro. Sliding in, he crumps his studs on Pedro’s ankle. A nailed-on yellow card, and he can be thankful the referee is in a good mood, because you’ve seen players get red for that.

8.04pm BST

17 min: Willian slides a pass down the left and very nearly sets the lively Diego Costa free down the wing. Marcano clatters in with a brilliant saving tackle, taking both man and ball. Diego Costa will have appreciated the no-nonsense nature of that.

8.02pm BST

15 min: Corner for Porto down the right. It’s hoicked high into the area, and Ivanovic heads back towards his keeper in a very uncertain manner. Begovic punches clear with purpose, but Porto come straight back at the visitors and win another corner, Maicon’s shot from distance deflected out on the right. The second corner is a total non-event, but Chelsea still look very unsure of themselves in defence. It’s the story of their season so far.

8.00pm BST

13 min: Costa and Willian combine in the middle of the park to set Pedro free down centre. He looks for the bottom-left corner from the edge of the box, but is denied by a fine save from Casillas, who is out quickly to make himself big and blocks instinctively. Stunning football all round. Perhaps Chelsea should be ahead, but credit the save.

7.58pm BST

11 min: Maxi Pereira very nearly bursts clear down the right, but Azpilicueeta puts a stop to his gallop with a fine sliding tackle. From the resulting throw, there’s a bit of room for Aboubakar to whistle a shot wide right from 25 yards.

7.56pm BST

9 min: A bit of space for Pedro down the inside-right channel. He reaches the byline, but his pullback is nowhere near a team-mate. It’s mopped up by Martins Indi and cleared.

7.55pm BST

8 min: After chasing shadows for a while, Chelsea begin to get a semblance of control to the midfield. They go nowhere but that’s not really the point. The crowd volume decreases a tad.

7.53pm BST

6 min: Diego Costa zips down the left like a stroppy Garrincha. It’s a brilliant run. He twists and turns Maicon, wonderful skill. He’s got space in the area, and considers shooting from a tight angle, but lays inside and pulls back to Fabregas instead. Fabregas shoots from the left-hand edge of the D, the ball heading into the bottom left. Casillas turns the ball round the post for a corner, which comes to nothing. But that’s wonderful play by Diego Costa.

7.51pm BST

5 min: Brahimi appears to be closing everyone down at once. He’s a force of nature right now. Chelsea are struggling to retain possession.

7.49pm BST

3 min: This is a bright start. Porto come at Chelsea again, Aboubakar holding the ball up on the right-hand edge of the box and playing a lovely reverse ball down the channel for Andre Andre. There’s a little too much juice on the pass, and it evades Andre Andre’s outstretched leg. Begovic is off his line quickly to gather. But space opening up there at the back for Chelsea, and that’s not the first time we’ve said that this season.

7.47pm BST

2 min: A bit of space for Brahimi down the inside-left channel. He has a lash from just outside the area, looking for the top right, but it’s straight at Begovic, who gathers happily.

7.47pm BST

Porto get the ball rolling. They lose the ball soon enough, and it breaks through to Begovic, who by hoofing long gives it straight back. But Chelsea soon get another go, and they’re coming at Porto, Diego Costa dancing down the inside-left channel and nearly breaking into the box. Not quite.

7.45pm BST

The teams are out! Porto sport their famous blue-and-white striped shirts, while Chelsea wear black on the outside, because black is how José has been feeling on the inside. Let’s hope he doesn’t react like Johnny Nice Painter. Pennants are swapped, hands are shaken, coins are tossed We’ll be off in a minute!

7.25pm BST

Just tell me this isn’t magnificent. God bless you, sir. I wonder if portions of this costume animate every time Porto score a goal? You wouldn’t want the bow tie to spin, it’d take his nose off and catch in the brim of his hat. Perhaps each side of the tie bends forward, like a seal clapping. And I imagine the hat rotates slowly, to the accompaniment of a cristal baschet, like the opening titles of Picture Box.

7.20pm BST

José speaks! And he’s at pains to stress that nobody’s been dropped as punishment for the first 45 minutes at Newcastle United. “This is the most difficult match we have in the group phase. They are a real opponent for first position in the group. I bring two fresh players, Ramires and Mikel to the midfield, because Porto played Friday in their league and had one extra day. The game is going to be very intense. I decided to use fresh legs. We are playing much better than at the beginning of the season. We had a good 15 days. I hope the first half against Newcatle was out of context. I have been really happy with the evolution of the team.” So he’s not unhappy at all, then. Pulitzer, please!

7.10pm BST

Iker Casillas makes his 152nd Champions League appearance tonight. That’s more than any other player in the competition’s history, one ahead now of Xavi. Iván Marcano meanwhile returns to Porto’s back line, having been suspended for the opening 2-2 draw with Dynamo Kyiv. Vincent Aboubakar, who scored twice in Ukraine, and has a further four goals in six league matches so far this season, leads the line. Chelsea meanwhile keep John Terry on the bench, where he’s joined by Eden Hazard and Nemanja Matić. José ringing the changes there. Unhappy José.

7.00pm BST

Porto: Casillas, Maxi Pereira, Maicon, Marcano, Martins Indi, André André, Danilo, Rúben Neves, Imbula, Brahimi, Aboubakar.
Subs: Helton, Osvaldo, Tello, Evandro, Corona, Layún, Alberto Bueno.

Chelsea: Begović, Ivanović, Zouma, Cahill, Azpilicueta, Mikel, Fàbregas, Ramires, Willian, Pedro, Diego Costa.
Subs: Blackman, Baba Rahman, Terry, Matić, Loftus-Cheek, Hazard, Kenedy.

10.19am BST

“Are we serial champions?” That’s the question José Mourinho is asking of his Chelsea squad, after a stuttering start to the season. Last year’s Premier League title is not enough. The man wants more. This is why he’s a serial champion. But this latest incarnation of Chelsea? Are they? Not yet, not yet.

Gauntlet’s down, then. Chelsea have been ordered to raise their game. Though there are stuttering starts, and stuttering starts. The Blues lost four of their first six fixtures this season, yes, but since defeat at Everton, the listing ship’s been steadied: three wins, a draw salvaged from two goals down at Newcastle, where they historically struggle anyway, and the net found a dozen times in those four games. We should all struggle so badly.

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