Scott Murray's Blog, page 103

The Fiver | Being warned not to perform donuts outside English Heritage properties

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After the rip-roaring success of our STOP FOOTBALL campaign, The Fiver is drunk on power, as opposed to being, no sir, still tipsy on last night’s Scottish wine. So now that, a mere two weeks in, the Bundesliga is done and dusted yet again in Bayern Munich’s favour, please join us on the front doorstep at 8pm this evening in screaming STOPPEN SIE DIE BUNDESLIGA DIESER SAISON!!! at the very top of our voice, the veins on our temple and neck pulsating in doctor-bothering fashion. Klebe es dort, wo die Sonne nicht scheint, der Jazzmusiker!

Related: Premier League clubs approve return of contact training

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Wolfsburg 0-2 Borussia Dortmund: Bundesliga – as it happened

Dortmund stay on Bayern’s tail after grinding out victory at the Volkswagen Arena

4.44pm BST

A fine result for Borussia Dortmund, then. They didn’t play particularly well, not by their own lofty standards at least, and yet they scored another couple of fine goals while doing enough defensively against stubborn opponents. That’s their fifth win on the bounce at the Volkswagen Arena, and their title challenge is still very much on. Wolfsburg had their chances, mind, and Bayern are unlikely to be as profligate on Tuesday, so Dortmund have some thinking to do. Der Klassiker promises to be one hell of a game. Thanks for reading this MBM!

4.38pm BST

So can Bayern reestablish their four-point lead at the top? Rob Smyth will have the answer!

Related: Bayern Munich v Eintracht Frankfurt: Bundesliga – live!

4.35pm BST

So here are the results so far on Matchday 27 of the Bundesliga.

4.29pm BST

Wolfsburg boss Oliver Glasner has a word with the referee at the final whistle. Presumably he’s making a case for the red-carded Felix Klaus. But he’s not particularly animated, it’s all very polite.

4.26pm BST

Dortmund move to within a point of leaders Bayern, at least for a couple of hours. On the touchline, Lucien Favre blows his cheeks out hard. That wasn’t easy, Wolfsburg asking some questions in the second half and spurning a couple of good chances. But Dortmund’s attacking qualities prevailed.

4.24pm BST

90 min +2: Schlager is booked for something he said.

4.23pm BST

90 min +1: Haaland nearly gets his usual goal as Sancho flicks him clear into the box down the inside-right channel. But the ball sticks between his feet, and he can’t untangle himself before running it out of play.

4.20pm BST

90 min: Just four added minutes to go.

4.19pm BST

89 min: Dortmund are running down the clock in the professional style.

4.18pm BST

87 min: And yet a goal now would make the closing stages interesting. Brekalo dances down the left and fires a ball down the corridor of uncertainty. But he can’t find Weghorst, who has had no service whatsoever this afternoon.

4.17pm BST

86 min: Arnold is booked for swinging his arm into Hakimi’s startled coupon. Seconds earlier, Weghorst tried to instigate a wrestling bout with Can, who wasn’t interested. The hosts have blown a gasket.

4.15pm BST

85 min: Mehmedi is replaced by Victor.

4.14pm BST

83 min: Dortmund make another couple of changes, swapping Guerreiro and Delaney for Schmelzer and Balerdi.

4.14pm BST

82 min: Yep, it’s red. Klaus walks, and he can have no complaints. Akanji is fortunate that his leg didn’t bend or snap. Happily, he’s good to continue.

4.12pm BST

81 min: A VAR check as Klaus puts his boot on the back of Akanji’s standing leg. That looks a nasty one. If it’s not intentional, it’s careless and out of control. He’s in trouble here.

4.11pm BST

79 min: Hazard is replaced by Reyna.

4.10pm BST

And here’s that rope-a-dope breakaway goal! Wolfsburg press forward. Sancho nips off with the ball, sashaying down the inside right. One little jink past Steffen, so smooth, and he’s racing towards the Wolfsburg box. He could shoot, but selflessly lays off to Hakimi to his right. Hakimi pearls a low shot across Casteels and into the bottom left!

4.08pm BST

77 min: Dortmund continue to sit back. They’ve clearly decided to grind this one out now, and take whatever opportunities present themselves on the break.

4.06pm BST

75 min: The resulting free kick is hoicked diagonally into the mixer, and breaks to Brooks, just to the left of the D. He takes a whack at goal, but slices his shot wide right. A shame for Wolfsburg that the chance fell to a defender.

4.05pm BST

74 min: Another corner that’s a complete waste of everyone’s time. Mbabu attempts to counter down the right, and is unceremoniously upended by Hazard, who earns a booking for his sauce.

4.04pm BST

73 min: But before that can be taken, there’s a VAR check for a penalty, Hakimi’s cross having flicked off the hand of Brooks. But the defender was withdrawing his arm, and was pretty close to his opponent anyway. No deal.

4.03pm BST

72 min: The corner isn’t worthy of comment. But Dortmund come back again, through Hakimi down the right. His low whip is forced out of play by Pongracic for another corner.

4.02pm BST

71 min: But a second Dortmund goal would put a stop to their gallop, and it nearly comes when Haaland busies himself down the inside right and slips a pass infield for Sancho, who tries to curl one into the top right. It’s not a good effort, but it deflects to Guerreiro, who fizzes a low diagonal shot left to right. The ball flies inches wide of the post, deflected out for a corner.

4.00pm BST

70 min: Wolfsburg do indeed load the box, though they may as well not have bothered, because Brekalo’s delivery is woeful, over everyone’s head. The hosts will be happy enough with the way they’re pushing Dortmund back, though.

3.59pm BST

69 min: Mbabu ventures down the right and wins a free kick off Hazard. A chance to load the box.

3.58pm BST

67 min: Weghorst slips a pass wide left to Mehmedi, who reaches the byline and pulls back well. But everyone’s made their run too early, and Dortmund are able to clear.

3.56pm BST

65 min: Then Dortmund make their second change of the day, replacing Brandt with Sancho. The English star is immediately in the thick of it, skittering down the right and getting clattered by Brooks, who goes into the book.

3.55pm BST

64 min: A double change for the hosts, as Klaus replaces the injured Russillon at left back, while Ginczek makes way for Brekalo up front.

3.54pm BST

62 min: Wolfsburg have rediscovered that momentum, it’s fair to say. Now Steffen pearls a volley from the left of the D, forcing Burki to parry-punch clear.

3.53pm BST

61 min: Weghorst storms down the left and plays a sensational ball across the face of the Dortmund goal. Akanji slips, and surely either Arnold or Ginczek will slam home. But neither man has made the right run, and the ball squirts between them and away. Dortmund got away with one there.

3.51pm BST

60 min: Wolfsburg have lost much of their early post-break momentum. Hazard jinks down the left but is cynically checked, then clipped, by Ginczek, who doesn’t bother complaining about the yellow card he then receives.

3.49pm BST

58 min: Dortmund nearly hit Wolfsburg on the break. Haaland powers through the middle and slips a pass right to Hazard, who feeds Hakimi on the wing. Haaland has continues his run and prepares to power a header goalwards, but his dreams fade as Hakimi’s cross sails miles over his head.

3.47pm BST

57 min: Arnold eventually gets up and takes it himself. It wasn’t worth the long wait. He batters witlessly straight into the wall. Very poor.

3.46pm BST

55 min: Arnold probes this way and that from a deep position. While conducting, he has his leg whipped from under him by Delaney. A huge yelp and a yellow card for the Dortmund midfielder, who isn’t particularly happy about it. But it was clumsy. And it’s a free kick in a central position, 25 yards from goal.

3.44pm BST

53 min: Dortmund string a few passes together for the first time in a while. They go nowhere in particular, but this is better after their cold start to this half.

3.43pm BST

51 min: Hazard drops a shoulder and tries to nip past Mbabu down the left. But Mbabu isn’t having it. There’s more spark to Wolfsburg since the restart. Dortmund’s play has become a little scruffy as a result.

3.41pm BST

49 min: Now Ginczek fires a dropping ball over the bar from a tight angle on the right. Dortmund are all over the place at the back suddenly, while Wolfsburg have clearly been on the receiving end of some passionate half-time advice from their manager.

3.39pm BST

48 min: Can hasn’t got his bearings yet, and so there’s a huge gap in the middle of the Dortmund defence when Weghorst guides a ball in from the left towards Steffen. He’s free! He draws Burki, but sends a hysterical effort miles high and wide right. He should have scored. He had to score.

3.38pm BST

47 min: Russillon clips Hakimi’s ankle, sending the wing-back’s boot flying off. He rolls and yelps, but there’s nowt wrong with him and he’s up again soon enough. Sounded dramatic, though.

3.36pm BST

The teams come back out, to flashing lights and hard rock, and the hosts get the second half underway. One change: the adaptable Emre Can has replaced Mats Hummels in the centre of the Dortmund defence.

3.34pm BST

Half-time analysis. “Wolfsburg have lacked any drive up front so far.” Justin Kavanagh’s here all week, ladies and gents. Try the sausage.

3.27pm BST

Half-time advertisement.

3.20pm BST

Brandt nearly one-twos himself clear down the inside left, exchanging passes with Haaland. But not quite. And that’s that for the first half. Dortmund haven’t done much in attack other than the one move that led to the goal. And that’s more than enough against toothless Wolfsburg, who have offered nothing in attack at all. As things stand, Dortmund will move to within a point of leaders Bayern, who play later this afternoon.

3.17pm BST

45 min: There will be two minutes tacked onto the end of this first half.

3.16pm BST

43 min: A sweet Dortmund move as Brandt slides a pass down the right for the ever-excellent Hakimi, who fires a low ball across the face of the Wolfsburg box. Hazard rushes in to meet it, but his attempted sidefoot towards the bottom left sails well wide. That would have been a picture-book goal.

3.14pm BST

42 min: Steffen looks long for Weghorst down the left. Too long. Burki claims with a yawn. Weghorst looks extremely frustrated.

3.13pm BST

41 min: Casteels batters long. Weghorst is caught offside, an inch beyond the halfway line. It’s fair to say Dortmund pushed up high.

3.11pm BST

39 min: Arnold’s delivery is dismal, though nobody in green makes a positive run anyway. Burki plucks the ball from the sky.

3.11pm BST

38 min: Wolfsburg swarm around Brandt and Weghorst makes off with the ball down the right. He’s bowled over by Dahoud. Free kick, and a chance to load the Borussia box.

3.09pm BST

36 min: Roussillon felt that. He stays down for some time, before hobbling off for running repairs. He eventually returns.

3.07pm BST

34 min: That move started with a lovely bit of skill out on the right touchline by Brandt, a dragback and flick that created the space. And the Dortmund tails are suddenly up. Haaland barges down the inside-right channel with Wolfsburg looking light at the back. Roussillon bravely nicks the ball off his toe and gets a whack on the ankle for his trouble.

3.05pm BST

So having said that, a huge gap opens up down the inside-right channel. Hakimi and Hazard romp into it, the latter reaching the byline and fizzing a ball through the six-yard box. Haaland takes a swipe and a miss, but no matter because the in-form Guerreiro is behind him and slams a sitter home.

3.03pm BST

31 min: Dortmund ping it around in pretty triangles. But no space emerges in the final third.

3.01pm BST

29 min: Dortmund need to step it up a little bit if they’re to keep the pressure on Bayern, and make next week’s Klassiker meaningful. Plenty of time yet, of course.

2.59pm BST

27 min: Hakimi nearly sends Hazard away down the right by cutely prodding a high ball forward with his chest. But Brooks was here, stepping in to clear.

2.58pm BST

25 min: Mehmedi swings one in from the left, finding Weghorst at the far post. Wolfburg’s leading scorer flashes a header wide right, probably as good as he could do with a cross that was a little bit too high.

2.57pm BST

24 min: Arnold and Hummels almost go nose to nose, eschewing best medical practice, after clattering into each other in the midfield. Tempers quickly cool, possibly as a result of a mocking pantomime “oooooh!” from a sing-song satirist on one of the benches. You can’t seriously continue with the macho posturing after that.

2.54pm BST

22 min: Dortmund continue to hog the ball, but do very little with it. A hopeful lump down the middle by Guerreiro doesn’t find Haaland and is easily cleared by Casteels, rushing from his box.

2.53pm BST

20 min: It’s not been great, not been awful. Neither keeper has had much to do.

2.52pm BST

18 min: Mbabu set up Wolfsburg’s winner last weekend, and the right wing-back is looking dangerous again today. Once more he makes something out of very little down the right to bust into space. This time his cross isn’t quite so good, and Hummels can see it through the box, but Dortmund need to keep an eye on this chap.

2.48pm BST

16 min: Hakimi bustles elegantly down the right. For a second, it looks as though he’s going to make it to the box, but Roussillon isn’t having it, and shoulders him off the ball with authority. But Hakimi’s soon coming back down the flank again, and slips a pass inside for Hazard, who drops a shoulder and tries a curler towards the top left. It’s high and wide. A shame for Dortmund, because it wasn’t clear that Casteels was getting to anything that was on target.

2.46pm BST

15 min: Dortmund are beginning to impose themselves. They’ve enjoyed 71 percent of possession so far.

2.45pm BST

13 min: A lovely backflick from Guerreiro nearly releases Hazard down the middle. Not quite, but very pretty. Dortmund are clearly high on confidence.

2.43pm BST

12 min: For those new to the Bundesliga, here’s some history in an extremely small pot. Wolfsburg were formed in 1945 and reached the top flight for the first time in 1997; they’ve stayed there ever since. In 2007-08, under Felix Magath, they won their only Bundesliga title with a team built around strikers Grafite and Eden Dzeko, and playmaker Zvjezdan Misimovic: the magic triangle. Dortmund by contrast have eight German championships to their name, and you may have heard of erstwhile boss Jurgen Klopp.

2.42pm BST

10 min: Guerreiro was superb last weekend, and he looks to be in the mood again today, gliding down the left and slipping a pass inside for Haaland, who can’t quite sort his feet out. Both teams are beginning to put a few moves together now.

2.40pm BST

8 min: Mbabu skips down the right touchline, a fantastic run along the tightrope. So little space to work with, but he still manages to whip in a cross that Weghorst nearly gets to. Hummels does exceptionally well to get a head on it first and guide the ball back to his keeper.

2.38pm BST

6 min: Hazard and Hakimi nearly pull off a combination down the right, but the sheer persistence of Roussillon puts a stop to their scheming.

2.36pm BST

4 min: It’s fast. Perhaps too fast. There’s no real pattern to the game yet, and both teams are struggling to retain possession.

2.34pm BST

2 min: A lively start by Dortmund, with Hakimi and Brandt both thinking about shooting from distance. There’s neither time nor room. Then the hosts go up the other end, Arnold scuttling into space down the left. He’s got Ginczek and Weghorst in the middle, but his cross is poor and easy meat for Burki.

2.32pm BST

And we’re off! Dortmund, looking to make it five on the bounce at the Volkswagen Arena, get the ball rolling and knock it around the back awhile.

2.31pm BST

The teams are out. Wolfsburg in dark green with neon-green X, Dortmund in yellow, everyone observing a minute’s silence before kick-off in memory of those who have lost their lives to Covid-19. We’ll be off once respects are paid.

2.21pm BST

Pre-match patter. “Everyone seemed to be on their best behaviour in last week’s games,” begins Woolie Madden. “I’m eagerly awaiting the first instance of handbags - will players be getting all up in each other’s grilles from a safe distance? Screaming into the ref’s face from 1.5m away? Like a smoker in prison, perhaps it would be a good opportunity to kick these bad habits for good.” The grown-up part of me agrees with you completely. The other nine-tenths would miss all the nonsense, though. I mean, we don’t like to see it ... but we do. Bench-emptying donnybrook, please!

Meanwhile here’s Ian Copestake: “I cannot begin to hide my disappointment that Puddy’s jacket did not point to Yes by revealing a Roger Dean logo.” Prog rock from the 70s, sitcoms from the 90s ... this is why the internet kids keep flocking to Guardian Sport.

1.58pm BST

There’s already been some top Bundesliga action in this round of fixtures. Hertha were the heroes of Berlin last night, routing cross-city rivals Union at the Olympiastadion. You can relive that one mit Rob Smyth’s MBM.

Related: Hertha Berlin 4-0 Union Berlin: Bundesliga – as it happened

1.45pm BST

Wolfsburg make three changes to the XI named last week at Augsburg. Paulo Otavio, Victor Sa and Josip Brekalo make way for left-back Jerome Roussillon and the attacking partnership of Daniel Ginczek and Wout Weghorst.

There’s still no starting berth for Jadon Sancho in the Borussia Dortmund XI. Die Schwarzgelben name the same team that slapped four past Schalke this time last week. Emre Can returns, but only alongside Sancho on the bench.

1.33pm BST

Wolfsburg: Casteels, Mbabu, Pongracic, Brooks, Roussillon, Schlager, Arnold, Steffen, Mehmedi, Ginczek, Weghorst.
Subs: Pervan, Brekalo, Klaus, Horn, Marmoush, Knoche, Tisserand, Victor, Justvan.

Borussia Dortmund: Burki, Akanji, Hummels, Piszczek, Hakimi, Guerreiro, Delaney, Dahoud, Brandt, Hazard, Haaland.
Subs: Hitz, Reyna, Sancho, Can, Morey, Balerdi, Schmelzer, Gotse, Raschl.

10.42am BST

Anticipation is already building ahead of Der Klassiker on Tuesday evening, for the showdown that could decide the outcome of this season’s Bundesliga. You feel the sap rising too, right? Only thing is, we might be getting a little bit ahead of ourselves. You’d expect leaders Bayern Munich to see off Eintracht Frankfurt at home later today, but second-placed Borussia Dortmund are no shoo-in at Wolfsburg ... and while nothing’s ever certain, anything less than three points for BVB this afternoon would most likely leave them further behind Bayern than the four points they are already, and significantly reduce the jeopardy for the reigning champs midweek.

The good news for Dortmund: they’re coming off the back of a fine performance in the Revierderby last Saturday, Erling Haaland and Raphael Guerreiro the stars of a 4-0 shellacking of Schalke. They’ve won eight of their nine league matches this calendar year. They beat Wolfsburg 3-0 in the reverse fixture. And they’re currently on a four-game winning run at the Volkswagen Arena. Like the back of David Puddy’s jacket, all signs point to yes!

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Borussia Dortmund 4-0 Schalke: Bundesliga returns – as it happened

Dortmund rout neighbours as Bundesliga returnsErling Braut Haaland on scoresheet yet againYour guide to this weekend’s big games in Germany

4.45pm BST

John Brewin’s report has landed. Here it is; you know what to do. Click, enjoy ... and thanks for reading this MBM. Stay safe, everyone.

Related: Haaland leads the way as Dortmund win by a distance on Bundesliga return

4.33pm BST

Dortmund, by contrast, were superb. All four of their goals were crackers; they’re a fine team to watch in full flow. And all without Jadon Sancho, too. This is a team that can spread the goals around. They’re a point behind Bayern, though the reigning champs can stretch their lead back to four tomorrow with a win at Union Berlin. Der Klassiker, here at the Westfalenstadion in ten days time, promises to be ... well ... a classic.

4.28pm BST

Schalke were abysmal. David Wagner has plenty of thinking to do. They’re now eight games without a win in the Bundesliga, a run which has seen them lose 3-0 to Cologne, 5-0 to Bayern Munich and Leipzig, and now 4-0 to their arch enemies. They slip from sixth down to eighth, and you wouldn’t put too many pfennigs on them making the Europa League next season.

4.22pm BST

Dortmund close to within a point of Bayern Munich at the top, with an imperious victory in the Revierderby. Schalke were swiped aside with ease, as poor as Dortmund were excellent. The Westfalenstadion echos to a round of applause, and the team amuse themselves by staging a choreographed celebration in front of the empty Yellow Wall. Very droll.

4.19pm BST

90 min: There will be some added time. Seven seconds of it, in fact.

4.18pm BST

88 min: Both teams make another change. Jonjo Kenny makes way for Timo Becker, while Mahmoud Dahoud is replaced by 2014 World Cup hero Mario Goetze.

4.16pm BST

86 min: Kenny prods down the right for Matondo, who sashays across the front of the box and nearly works space to shoot. It’s a fine run, but Hummels comes crunching in with a fine tackle, then Matondo accidentally studs Hakimi while stretching for the loose ball. Matondo is booked, though there’s no serious injury and no bad feeling.

4.13pm BST

84 min: This match has dropped to walking pace. It’s long become a stroll for Dortmund.

4.12pm BST

82 min: Hakimi takes down a long punt gracefully and tears off down the right touchline. He fizzes a ball through the six-yard box, but it’s inches away from Haaland, who was racing in with a view to slapshooting home. Schalke are in tatters.

4.10pm BST

80 min: Schalke stroke it around. Matondo tries to raise the tempo with a burst down the left, but there’s nowhere for him to go.

4.07pm BST

78 min: Hazard, who has had a fine game, makes way for Jadon Sancho.

4.06pm BST

76 min: Yet another Schalke change: Caligiuri makes way for Miranda. A reminder that teams are permitted to use five subs per match for the rest of the season.

4.04pm BST

74 min: Some admin. Schopf replaces Serdar. Piszczek is booked for accidentally handling the ball while slide-tackling. And Schalke win a corner! Sane attacks it, but heads harmlessly over.

4.02pm BST

72 min: “One sided matches in empty stadiums? Nobody told me Scottish football was back.” Simon McMahon, laddies and lassies. He’s here all week, try the sausage and mustard.

4.00pm BST

70 min: Dahoud grapples with Burgstaller to the right of the Dortmund D, and that’s a free kick to Schalke. Caligiuri curls it to the far post, where Matondo prepares to head home from close range. But Balerdi is immediately in the thick of it, showcasing his qualities by back-heading clear just in time.

3.58pm BST

68 min: Delaney makes way for 21-year-old Argentinian defender Leo Balerdi. As he makes his way to the bench, the club doctor issues him with his face mask. All protocols observed. The Premier League will be taking notes.

3.56pm BST

67 min: Imagine the noise the Yellow Wall would be making now.

3.55pm BST

65 min: Guerreiro didn’t bother celebrating that one. Nothing to do with social distancing, more that he thought he was a mile offside. But Kenny, way deeper than the rest of the Schalke back line, was playing him on. Miles onside. Good thing too, because that was a brilliant move of pace, ambition and no little skill. It’d have been horrible to see it chalked off.

3.53pm BST

This is a delicious goal. Guerreiro powers in diagonally from the left. He slips a pass inside for Haaland, just to the right of the D. Haaland returns it down the channel, Guerreiro having continued his diagonal run. Guerreiro then flicks home sensationally, flicking it with the outside of his boot into the right-hand side of the net, totally flummoxing Schubert yet again. That is something else!

3.50pm BST

61 min: See 59 min. Hey, don’t shoot the messenger.

3.48pm BST

59 min: Schalke pop the ball around the middle of the park. Dortmund seem happy enough to let them get on with it, because they’re going nowhere.

3.47pm BST

57 min: Burgstaller tries to get something going for the Miners. He twists and turns on the edge of the Dortmund D and bobbles a shot goalwards. It’s not great, but at least it’s something. Schalke have terrible problems scoring goals. Burki gathers without fuss, not bad going seeing the ball was bouncing all over the place and took a deflection en route.

3.45pm BST

55 min: Dortmund carve Schalke open down the left with some pretty triangles. Haaland enters the box and should get a shot away, but uncharacteristically wastes the chance, overrunning the ball and allowing Nastasic to close him down. Schalke are a rabble.

3.43pm BST

54 min: Delaney is booked for using his elbow in a high 50-50 with Serdar. He can’t have any complaints, but makes some anyway.

3.42pm BST

53 min: Nothing comes from the free kick, other than a speculative long-distance blam by Kenny. Nope!

3.42pm BST

52 min: Delaney hauls back Harit as the Schalke man attacks down the left. Free kick in a dangerous position.

3.40pm BST

50 min: Haaland needs a bit of treatment, but he’s good to continue. The game restarts ... though is it already effectively over? Well, Schalke did come from 4-0 down to draw two seasons ago ...

3.39pm BST

Schalke faff around, and Dortmund break upfield. Haaland storms down the left and pokes forward for Brandt. He’s blocked by Sane and yells in pain, but the ref lets play go on. Brandt strides down the left, then strokes a pass infield for Hazard, free down the inside-right channel. Hazard creams a low shot towards the bottom right, and it goes straight through Schubert and in.

3.36pm BST

46 min: Serdar has a whack from distance. It’s easy for Burki, but that’s as good as anything they did in the first half.

3.36pm BST

Here we go again! Schalke have made a double change, and it’s an attacking gambit. Burgstaller comes on to add a bit of lumber to the attack; he replaces injured defender Todibo. Raman makes way for Matondo up front.

3.23pm BST

Half-time entertainment. Pint, pie, potty, podcast. All sorted!

Related: Forgotten stories of football: farce and fascism at the 1936 Olympics – podcast

3.20pm BST

Dortmund are well in control of the Revierderby. They go off to a light smattering of uncertain applause, the sort Mike and Bernie Winters used to receive at the Glasgow Empire.

3.17pm BST

Schubert shanks a dismal clearance straight at Delaney, who offloads to Brandt. The ball’s shuttled to Guerreiro, who strides into the box and lashes a low shot across the hapless keeper and into the bottom right. Schubert dips his head, as well he might. What a gift, though the finish was special. It’s Guerreiro’s sixth of the season.

3.16pm BST

43 min: Kenny crosses low from the Schalke right. Harit prepares to shoot from the edge of the D. He’s clipped from behind by Hummels and goes over. But he doesn’t get the free kick. There wasn’t a lot of contact, true, but it was enough. Harit is furious, and nearly fumes his way into the book with a verbal volley at the ref. But we play on.

3.14pm BST

41 min: From the corner, Dahoud has a crack from the best part of 30 yards. He catches it flush, and it’s going to take the net off the frame of the goal, but Sane bravely gets in the way to flick over the bar. Ooyah, oof, that’s gotta hurt. The next corner is a non-event.

3.12pm BST

40 min: Brandt creams a diagonal pass towards Hakimi on the right. Hakimi’s in acres, and strides into the box. He’s got Guerreiro and Haaland to his left, but opts to shoot instead. The ball pings off Nastasic and away for a corner. He should have laid it off.

3.11pm BST

38 min: A break in play as Todibo gets a bit of treatment. Not sure what for. Shock, perhaps. Hakimi is some prospect.

3.09pm BST

36 min: Hakimi zips down the right flank and gets to a ball he had no right to reach. He hooks it back from the byline, with Todibo in close attendance, and finds Guerreiro, who slices high and wide left from the edge of the box. Chances are Guerreiro was as surprised as anyone else that Hakimi kept that in.

3.07pm BST

34 min: Dortmund are well on top now. Imagine the noise if the Yellow Wall was in situ. “A bit like watching soundcheck, this,” suggests Grant Tennille. “Not that that necessarily precludes heavy-metal football.”

3.05pm BST

32 min: Schalke have been rocked by the quality of that goal. They’re struggling to clear their heads, and to retain possession.

3.04pm BST

30 min: That’s Haaland’s tenth Bundesliga goal of the season, and it was a sensational move. He runs off to the corner flag, but there’s nobody there to celebrate with. Never mind, a huge smile plays across his face anyway. It didn’t take long for him to get back into the groove, did it?

3.02pm BST

Who else? Erling Braut Haaland scores yet again, opening his body up to elegantly sidefoot Hazard’s right-wing cross into the bottom left. A gorgeous finish to a flowing move that started with Brandt sending Hazard away down the wing with a cute reverse flick

3.00pm BST

26 min: Schalke have been quiet, but suddenly they explode into life, Oczipka whipping a cross in from the left. Akanji’s clearing header is dreadful, straight at Caligiuri, who nearly powers home at the far post. But Akanji does extremely well to get back and block, with a little help from Burki.

2.58pm BST

25 min: Incidentally, just before the corner was taken, Haaland and Todibo received a mild ticking off from the referee for some garden-variety fussin’ and fightin’. A feud worth keeping an eye on.

2.57pm BST

24 min: Brant sends it in. It’s only half cleared, and he gets another go to swing in from the right. Sane eyebrows the cross away from Hummels, who was preparing to head home from six yards. The ball breaks to Haaland at the far post. He lashes in his trademark fierce style into the side netting. Dortmund very close there.

2.55pm BST

23 min: Hazard is brought down by Serdar as he dribbles down the left. A free kick just to the side of the D. Hakimi takes, but it’s straight at the wall and headed away from danger by Nastasic. But it’s at the expense of a corner, from which ...

2.53pm BST

21 min: A lull, the first of the new era.

2.51pm BST

19 min: Hummels faffs around on the halfway line, and is nearly stripped of possession by the buzzing Raman. He gets away with it. A lucky one, because if Raman won the block-tackle duel, he’d have been clean away.

2.49pm BST

17 min: Dortmund have enjoyed 57% of possession so far. After a slow start, they’ve also had the better chances. About right for a match-up between second and sixth.

2.48pm BST

15 min: Dortmund are beginning to assert themselves now. Hazard flicks one round the corner to send Guerreiro skittering towards the Schalke box down the inside right. He’s got enough time and space to shoot when he enters the area, but his weak drag is easily blocked by Sane. It’s a corner, which turns out to be a total non-event.

2.46pm BST

13 min: The exciting Hakimi goes on a tear down the right and whips a low ball into the six-yard box. Haaland is lurking at the far post, waiting to slam home, but Todibo slides in stylishly to hook clear, a sensational bit of defending. For a second, Schalke had been ripped open.

2.44pm BST

12 min: After an interminable wait, it’s decided that Kenny was so close to Haaland that he could do nothing about the ball striking his hand. Something that was blatantly obvious from the get-go. Did you miss VAR?

2.43pm BST

10 min: Hazard is upended mid-dribble down the right by Nastasic. Delaney hooks the free kick into the mixer. Haaland rises at the far post and tries to hook a shot around Kenny. The ball clanks onto Kenny’s hand. Haaland wants a penalty kick. The referee goes upstairs to find out what the deal is.

2.41pm BST

9 min: Dortmund ping it around for a while to no great effect.

2.39pm BST

7 min: It’s a bright start, this. How we’ve missed football. Hazard jigs down the inside right channel and has a whack from distance. He blazes the ball high into the empty stand.

2.38pm BST

6 min: Caligiuri tries a curler towards the top left, but blooters the free kick straight into the wall.

2.38pm BST

5 min: So this is good end to end fun. Harit dances down the middle and draws a clumsy foul from Dahoud. A free kick, just outside the D, in a very dangerous position.

2.37pm BST

4 min: Having realised Schalke are playing at a higher tempo, Haaland tries to kick-start Dortmund into life with a burst down the inside-right channel. He nearly bursts through, but loses control just at the end, allowing Schubert to smother.

2.36pm BST

3 min: Schalke press Dortmund hard. McKennie steals the ball in the midfield and feeds Raman down the inside left. For a second it looks as though there’ll be time for a shot, but he’s closed down by Hakimi and the danger’s over.

2.34pm BST

2 min: Ah, that sports-centre five-a-side ambience. Dortmund knock it around the back in the training-ground style. Football really is all about the fans. But this is where we all are, and there’s no point harping on about it. Let’s enjoy it for what it is.

2.32pm BST

Dortmund get the ball rolling! God speed, everyone.

2.31pm BST

The teams are out! And it’s a positively psychedelic experience. No fans, just 200-odd people in the 81,000-capacity Westfalenstadion. The PA guy’s voice pinging off the walls like the hollow announcement of the last train home. And there’s been a last-minute change to the Dortmund team, with Thorgan Hazard taking the place of young Gio Reyna. We’ll be off in a few seconds!

2.27pm BST

Pre-match chit-chat. “Hi Scott, hope you are well.” All good over here, Ruth Purdue, thanks for asking. Hope you’re well too. “Are you excited about seeing European football again as well as being conflicted about it at the same time?” Excited? Yes. Conflicted? Indeed. Although for some of us, football never ever stops, not really. It only seems like a couple of weeks ago when Stanley Matthews lifted the 1953 FA Cup. Strange times.

Related: Blackpool 4-3 Bolton Wanderers: 1953 FA Cup final – as it happened

2.10pm BST

Pre-bandwagon-jumping reading. Because, as Pjotr van Rooijen says: “We are all football hipsters now.”

Related: From the Revierderby to Kai Havertz: a guide to the Bundesliga return | Andy Brassell

Related: Bundesliga back to sate our football thirst but is under the microscope | Andy Brassell

2.06pm BST

♫♯♪ “It was

20
19 years ago today ... ♫♪♫ It’s the anniversary of another notable match at the Westfalenstadion. Here’s how Sid Lowe saw the wild and wonderful 2001 Uefa Cup final at the time. Another nine-goal thriller today? Yes please, everyone.

Related: Pride of Basque country basks in glory

1.53pm BST

Giovanni Reyna, son of former Rangers, Sunderland and Manchester City midfielder Claudio, makes his first start for Dortmund. Thomas Delaney returns, while Jadon Sancho is left on the bench. Axel Witsel, Marco Reus, Emre Can, Nico Schulz and Dan-Axel Zagadou all miss out due to injury.

Schalke welcome back Salif Sane, who makes his first appearance since injuring his knee last November. Jonjoe Kenny, on loan from Everton, starts, as does Barca loanee Jean-Clair Todibo. Ozan Kabak and Benjamin Stambouli miss out.

1.43pm BST

BVB: Burki, Akanji, Hummels, Piszczek, Hakimi, Guerreiro, Delaney, Dahoud, Reyna, Brandt, Haaland.
Subs: Hitz, Sancho, Hazard, Schmelzer, Morey, Balerdi, Furich, Gotze, Raschl.

S04: Schubert, McKennie, Nastasic, Serdar, Raman, Caligiuri, Kenny, Todibo, Oczipka, Harit, Sane.
Subs: Nubel, Miranda, Gregoritsch, Matondo, Kutucu, Burgstaller, Schopf, Becker, Mercan.

6.16pm BST

Football’s back, baby! It’s back! Well, not in the UK, not yet. But over in Germany, the Bundesliga today becomes the first major division to get back up and running in the wake of the coronavirus crisis. And what a place to pick things up again: Borussia Dortmund versus Schalke! The Revierderby! The rumble in the Ruhr! The noise in North Rhine-Westphalia! The ... hey, let us shake off some MBM rust, will you, it’s been a while. You get the gist.

So about that rumble and noise ... BVB’s Westfalenstadion is arguably the most atmospheric ground in Europe, the Yellow Wall, all that. But not today. This game will be played behind closed doors, with only 213 people allowed in. That number takes in players, managers and staff, officials and ballboys, medical folk, camera operators and other assorted media types. There’ll be no handshakes, no team photos, no mascots. No cheering, no chanting. The rest of the 2019-20 Bundesliga season will be played out like this. Nine eerie games to go.

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The Fiver | Football may as well add a multi-ball feature, pugil sticks and a travelator

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Happy Cinco de Mayo, everyone! It’s a joyous celebration of Mexican-American culture. A reminder of the time Mexico gave the French a clip round the lug in 1862. An excuse to drink Super Bowlian quantities of session lager. And the name of the clothes shop Elaine Benes frequented in the hope of running a competing store, Putumayo, out of business after receiving bad service. “Hey, see these?” Lainey shouted through the window of Putumayo, pointing at her new shoes. “Cinco de Mayo! Sales commission, bye-bye-o!” Sadly it transpires the woman who was rude to her at Putumayo also owns Cinco de Mayo, and Elaine was saddled with a load of spite purchases she didn’t want. We sense we’re losing you. Let’s move on.

Related: Shorter games under consideration for football's return, says PFA chief

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The Fiver | Football's performative hoo-hah that isn't really getting us anywhere

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All across the footballing world, after a period of great uncertainty, Important People have started making Big Decisions that are not really decisions. This finally puts the sport in line with other industries such as politics and journalism, so you can immediately see the problem. It’s a performative hoo-hah that isn’t really getting us anywhere. Take the French authorities’ call to cancel the remainder of the season. A bold and decisive move, until you try to work out who’ll get the three Big Vase places up for grabs: Lille, Lyon, Montpellier, Reims, Nantes and Nice are all in with a shout, and we bet every club has an in-house lawyer too. Good luck with that. Chats dans un sac.

Related: Ending the Ligue 1 season leaves us with as many questions as answers

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The Fiver | Po’ Premier League! It’s tough when the buck stops with you

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The last time we saw our city-boy cousin Buy Sell Buy Sell Red Braces Fuel-Injected Convertible Front-Tail Extension Smug Square-Jawed Floppy-Fringe-Covered Extremely-Smackable-Face Fiver, he was throwing his Bottega Veneta woven loafers up on his desk to wait a month for the Premier League to green-flag the takeover of Newcastle United by popular feelgood collective Saudi Arabia. But only a week later, something else has cropped up, and he wasn’t very happy at all when we shouted at him earlier to get up and do some effing work.

Related: David Squires on … Newcastle United’s potential Saudi takeover

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Chile 2-0 Italy: 1962 World Cup, the Battle of Santiago – as it happened

Nine-man Italy crash out as fists and feet flyChile advance to quarters after match of mayhemTake a look back at our other nostalgic live reports

5.00pm BST

Meanwhile down on the touchline ... BBC presenter and commentator David Coleman is recording his introduction to the highlights package that will be transmitted on BBC Television in three days time, this coming Tuesday at 10.25pm, by which time the film will have been flown back to London. Still a couple of months until Telstar goes up, innit. Anyway, Coleman doesn’t look very happy! “Good evening. The game you are about to see is the most stupid, appalling, disgusting and disgraceful exhibition of football in the history of the game. This is the first time these countries have met; we hope it will be the last. The national motto of Chile reads, By Reason or By Force. Today, the Chileans weren’t prepared to be reasonable, the Italians only used force, and the result was a disaster for the World Cup. If the World Cup is going to survive in its present form something has got to be done about teams that play like this. Indeed, after seeing the film tonight, you at home may well think that teams that play in this manner ought to be expelled immediately from the competition.” Coleman stopped just short of a strangulated cry of “Won’t somebody think of the children?!?”, but we’re a little bit less sanctimonious. Remember to tune in on Tuesday, folks, sit back and enjoy! We guarantee you’ll like it!

4.57pm BST

So the hosts are guaranteed a place in the quarter finals. Italy, on the other hand, are going home. Perhaps, given all that’s gone down on and off the field, that’s just as well. And anyway, there’s always next time. 1966 can’t pan out any worse for them, can it?

4.56pm BST

The last act of the match sees Salvadore, thoroughly razzed off, jump in on Landa with little interest in connecting with the ball. Aston once again positions himself to stop World War Three breaking out, and then, utterly bored, takes the opportunity to blow for full time. As Mora rushes up to get in the ref’s grille, ostentatiously applauding in the sarcastic style, there’s one last majestic piece of childish nonsense. Maschio offers his hand to Landa; as the two are shaking hands, Maschio crumps his other fist onto Landa’s jaw. Snide as hell, but set your morals aside and there’s something quite special about that, so cold and calculating and cynical. Contreras rushes in to assist his friend, who aims a kick at Maschio, but the Argentina-born Italian takes up a boxing stance, sticks up his dukes in the old-fashioned I’m-prepared-to-go-ten-rounds fashion, and he’s left well alone. Aston trudges off the field in a straight line, the shortest route, head slightly bowed. He’s away, washing his hands of the bedlam continuing behind him, and leaving everyone else to sweep up a mess which, let’s face it, was partly of his own making.

4.55pm BST

90 min: Mora goes in late on Eyzaguirre, meeting his dangling leg, the full back having long dispatched the ball. He follows up by throwing hands. Eyzaguirre doesn’t seem that interested in engaging, his unwillingness to get involved in unarmed combat no doubt influenced by the scoreline. Altafini races in to separate the two, and ends up laying hands on referee Aston, which doesn’t go down too well. The official, clearly long tired of the whole affair, tetchily throws the ball to the floor so the free kick can be taken. The message seeming to be: the sooner that’s done, the sooner we can all go home.

4.53pm BST

Nope. This is all over, and Italy are going home, in retrospect the inevitable outcome since events of 80 minutes past. The prize wrestler Toro ends the bout with one almighty blow, lashing a shot into the bottom right from 25 yards. A gorgeous goal, totally out of keeping with the general aesthetic.

4.52pm BST

87 min: Salvadore goes on a desperate scamper after a Mora wedge down the inside right, but ends up in a sea of photographers behind the goal. Time’s running out for the Italians. Can the nine men somehow find the equaliser that would mean survival?

4.51pm BST

86 min: Mora has a wild, opportunistic strike from out on the left. It’s quite hopeless. Chile go up the other end, where Leonel Sanchez replicates Mora’s under-achievement of seconds earlier.

4.50pm BST

85 min: Fouilloux is in acres down the left. He curls a ball into the middle for Landa, who is clear in the box. Landa lets the ball clank around between his feet and can only dig out a poor shot that flies straight towards Mattrel. Somehow, Italy are still in this match, and retain a chance of staying in this World Cup. One goal is all they need.

4.48pm BST

83 min: Nando Martellini seems to think the jig is up. “A long-distance free kick is all we’ve got left,” sighs our man from RAI.

4.47pm BST

82 min: Salvadore is bundled off the ball in the middle of the Chilean half. Mora decides what the hell, and goes for goal straight from the free kick. He’s nearly 40 yards out! The ball bounces out of play harmlessly wide right of goal, an overly optimistic effort rewarded with ironic cheers from the home support. What a waste, with time very much of the essence.

4.45pm BST

80 min: Toro goes on the most basic but brilliant of runs, straight down the middle of the pitch. Sheer determination and presence allows him to retain possession, and he whistles a low shot inches wide right of goal. That snippet of football was superlative sport, nearly as good as the all-in wrestling.

4.44pm BST

79 min and a bit: FOOTBALL AS SCRIPTED BY DH LAWRENCE! Mora is wandering with the ball near the centre circle. Toro gives chase, and rugby tackles the Italian to the ground. Then refuses to let go! Aston is forced to bend down and prise them apart, as though the pair were wrestling naked on a rug in front of an intense fire. This is beyond pathetic. Toro finally gets up and presents the very picture of innocence, while Mora has to be stopped from attempting to spark a Hegelian dialectic using only his hands. He’s livid, real after-last-orders let-me-at-him stuff. There’s a lot of pushing and shoving, before Aston finally tries to calm Mora down. He doesn’t meet his targets: Mora stomps off waving his hands around in the Mediterranean fashion. Toro should probably have seen red as the aggressor, and there’s a case for Mora receiving his marching orders too.

4.44pm BST

79 min: A bit of space for Fouilloux, who batters a rising shot from a tight angle on the right straight at Mattrel.

4.43pm BST

78 min: Well, this game has opened up, all of a sudden! Altafini feeds Maschio down the right. Maschio swings a long ball into the area, which Altafini meets, eight yards out. But his header is weak and straight at Escuti. On another day, Altafini could have had two goals. Perhaps another day for the Milan striker, another big match.

4.42pm BST

77 min: Italy are rocking here. Landa nearly breaks clear down the left but is forced to check back. Toro picks up possession, drops a shoulder to get into the box, and fires a shot towards the bottom-left corner. Mattrell parries brilliantly.

4.41pm BST

76 min: ANOTHER GOAL FOR CHILE!!! BUT IT’S DISALLOWED. What a lovely sweeping move this was. Ramirez, to the right of the centre circle, rolls the ball inside to Rojas, who romps upfield and sets Landa into the area, free down the inside right. He sort of half-rounds Mattrel on the outside before slotting home, helped by the keeper’s hands flapping back like the doors of a saloon. The pitch again fills with over-excitable snappers, but they quickly u-turn when it’s clear Landa was some way offside.

4.40pm BST

75 min: Mora and Altafini cause the restart to be delayed, as they’re complaining to Aston about goodness knows what.

4.39pm BST

So much for holding on for that point! Toro bustles down the left, and is clattered by Robotti. Maschio arrives on the scene to throw a little snide kick into the mix. The karmic payback is instant. Navarro swings a free kick into the Italian area. Mattrel comes off his line to punch clear, but it’s a weak effort, the ball dropping towards Ramirez, eight yards out, level with the right-hand post. He sends a looping header towards the top right, and despite two blue shirts defending the line, it creeps in. The instant snap and crackle of celebration pops many an eardrum. The pitch is flooded by photographers again, who finally have a few smiling faces to snap instead of the usual sour phizogs.

4.38pm BST

73 min: Ramirez curls a cross to the far post from the right. Janich clears, but only to Rojas, who snatches at his shot from the edge of the area, the ball flying well wide left.

4.36pm BST

71 min: Italy win a corner down the right, but nothing comes from it. They’ve rarely threatened since Altafini missed that header in the first half. It looks like they’ve settled for the point which would at least keep them in this competition, understandable in the circumstances.

4.34pm BST

69 min: Rojas goes on a slalom down the inside-left channel, but he’s crowded out, blue shirts swarming around him. Italy have been very disciplined at the back, like that’s ever news, nine men or no.

4.32pm BST

67 min: Mora exchanges passes with Altafini down the left, and cuts inside as he approaches the box. Contreras bundles him over, then stamps on the prone Italian captain’s leg for good measure. This didn’t start well, and it isn’t going to end well.

4.31pm BST

66 min: ITALY HAVE THE BALL IN THE NET!!! But it won’t count. Altafini ghosts past Navarro, tight on the right touchline, then drifts inside, past two other Chileans, and sticks the ball away from a tight angle. But the whistle’s long gone, the ball having marginally drifted out of play. That was an extremely close call, and it’d be lovely to see another angle of that. Still, Italy can’t feel too hard done by, as the covering players, Raul Sanchez and Landa, had stopped competing, and Escuti didn’t even pay lip service to making a save. Mora isn’t happy with the decision, though, and engages the referee in appropriate discourse.

4.29pm BST

64 min: Yes, so much for Mora of the United Nations. He takes a full-blown rake down Contreras’s calves as the two tangle out on the right wing. He’d already won the free kick, for goodness sake. Aston, showcasing what appears to be his signature move, does absolutely nothing. Having said that, the ref then makes a small show of ordering Maschio to hurry up with the set piece, a strange diktat seeing the player’s nowhere near the ball and clearly never going to be taking the free kick anyway. It’s fair to say Mr Aston’s head is scrambled too, albeit in a different way to the constantly sparring players.

4.28pm BST

63 min: It’s been fairly quiet in terms of nonsense since the restart, but things may just be heating up again. First Mora – the peacemaker in the first half, remember – hacks at Navarro and Raul Sanchez in quick succession as he goes on a wild sortie down the right. Then Eyzaguirre pointlessly and provocatively runs into Maschio on the other wing, before trotting away waving his arms dismissively.

4.27pm BST

62 min: A couple of long shots from Chile: the first from Rojas earns two rugby points, the second is an over-ambitious effort by Contreras on the left touchline. It stays left. Italy are holding out easily enough right now. Less than half-an-hour to see out, and they’ll maintain an interest in this year’s tournament.

4.25pm BST

60 min: The ever-busy Toro is brought down 30 yards from goal by Janich. Leonel Sanchez sends the free kick rising towards the top left, an unerring heat-seeker. But Mattrel is its equal, and tips the ball round for a corner at full stretch. Italy deal with the resulting corner without fuss.

4.23pm BST

58 min: A rare moment of attacking creativity from Italy, as Mora tries to make ground along the right by flicking the ball over his own head and spinning away. It’s a cute trick but Navarro is waiting for him a couple of steps up the field, and puts a stop to his gallop.

4.21pm BST

56 min: Toro is bundled over as he makes his way down the right. The free kick is blasted into the wall, and the rebound is dragged well wide left by the incessant Toro. Before Mattrel can restart the game, Salvadore decides to sit on the turf and roll around for a while, eating up another minute or so. This is a masterclass in sharp practice.

4.20pm BST

55 min: Toro, drifting right to left, evades two reckless sliding challenges before firing a shot just over the bar from 20 yards. Chile are getting closer, step by careful step. Mattrel takes an age to gather the ball from behind the goal. The crowd do their pantomime duty. In the next phase of play, Landa, perhaps getting a tad frustrated that the game remains goalless, chases a ball he’s never going to get down the inside right and leaves a foot in on Salvadore, who was shielding his keeper as he came out to collect. There’s a bit of passionate debate about this, a lively back-and-forth.

4.19pm BST

54 min: Maschio plays a little basketball as he prepares to take a throw. He’d have stopped and whistled four verses of Sweet Georgia Brown if the referee had let him, but Aston runs over and for the benefit of those in the stands, taps his watch theatrically.

4.18pm BST

53 min: Italy are already trying it on with a view to running down the clock. Mattrel and Salvadore faff around at the back, tapping it to each other until Landa jogs up and forces the keeper to pick the ball up and get a wriggle on.

4.16pm BST

51 min: Ramirez, from the edge of the box, fires a header straight at Mattrel. Chile, two men to the good, are bossing the possession, but still haven’t put Italy’s keeper under serious pressure.

4.14pm BST

49 min: Landa and Toro so nearly one-two their way through the thick blue line on the edge of the Italian area, but their intricate work doesn’t quite come off. Toro is scythed to the floor by Maschio, just to the right of the D. Leonel Sanchez takes a long run up, but pea-rolls the free kick straight to whoever wants it in the wall. That was dismal. The ball’s reclaimed and Navarro has a dig from distance. It’s on target for the bottom right but easily smothered by Mattrel.

4.12pm BST

47 min: No, they’ve decided the best form of defence is attack. Mora entertains himself with a sly kick in the back of Navarro. That might have been a good old-fashioned boot up the arse, actually, but it’s hard to tell in the bright sun whether toecap connected with Special Place. Mattrel, staring into the yellow menace, claims a deep Leonel Sanchez cross from the left with élan.

4.10pm BST

And we’re off again! Italy restart the bout, and quickly lose the ball. Maschio reclaims and sets Menichelli and Mora scampering upfield. They reach the edge of the area before the move breaks down. Have Italy decided that the best form of defence is attack?

3.56pm BST

Half-time advertising break.

3.55pm BST

Leonel Sanchez’s corner is easily cleared, then Toro, coming back at Italy, hesitates on the edge of the area when he has chance to shoot. And that’s that for the half. No goals, is the briefest and most tactful way to sum that one up. But Italy are in trouble. They’re two men down, in a match they can’t afford to lose if they want to stay in this World Cup. That’s a lot of trouble.

3.53pm BST

45 min +8: Italy are wasting time, with a view to regrouping at the interval, which can’t be long in coming. They ping it around at the back, then Salvadore turns and fizzes an awful backpass wide left of goal. Mattrel can’t stop it going out for the most needless of corners.

3.52pm BST

45 min +7: Maschio loses it a wee bit. He’s brought down by Navarro as he diddles down the right. Free kick. Rojas, dropping back to defend the set piece, sends the ball a few yards back upfield as he runs past. Maschio chases it, sliding in viciously to hook it out for a throw. Play hasn’t even restarted yet! He really needs a cooling flannel at half-time.

3.51pm BST

45 min +6: The game finally restarts and Rojas goes on a skilful slalom down the centre of the field. He’s eventually bundled over just in front of the Italian D. Toro takes a quick free kick, sliding in Ramirez down the inside left, but Italy are wise to the game and crowd the striker out.

3.50pm BST

45 min +5: Sanchez, up on his feet but tottering around gingerly, is helped off. Aston spots something suspicious deep in the Italian half. He wanders upfield - and sure enough, his instincts were right! He checks the number on the back of an Italian shirt – and it’s David! He’s crept back onto the field and was lining up, ready for the restart of play! Aston ushers him off the field for the second time with a heavy sigh, perhaps reflecting on how much easier his life would have been had he taken up a career in child-minding, cat-herding or mine-sweeping.

3.48pm BST

45 min +3: Sanchez is still getting treatment. Mora goes across to show some human concern. Rojas is reasonably responsive to a player who, despite losing the place once or twice himself, has done more than most in his attempts to keep a lid on this.

3.47pm BST

45 min +2: David is immediately sent packing. Rather gloriously, he has the chutzpah to hold the universally recognised pose of What? Me? as the referee orders him off.

3.46pm BST

45 min +1: DING! DING! ROUND TWO! The referee really should have sent Sanchez off for that punch. And so, with a grim inevitability, David takes matters regarding justice and retribution into his own hands. The ball is bouncing in the general environs of Sanchez down the Italian right. David ignores the orb and instead launches at the southpaw with a head-high karate kick. He connects cleanly, boot on neck. Ooyah! Oof! Gertcha! As David Coleman says in his BBC commentary: “He bought that right in the face! That was one of the most cold-blooded and lethal tackles I think I’ve ever seen!”

3.45pm BST

45 min: Tumburus slices an awful shot from distance so far wide right that Mora is able to pick up possession down the wing and win a corner. The set piece is wasted. We’ll have a few minutes of added time as a result of the Ferrini fiasco.

3.44pm BST

44 min: After all that, it’s a free kick to Chile, down by the corner flag. Rojas sends it whooshing straight into the arms of the ever-relaxed Mattrel.

3.42pm BST

42 min: The punch sparks a melee. How could it not? Many people have much to say. Sanchez, having hopped around theatrically to draw attention to the fact he was kicked in the first place, somehow escapes censure, which is beyond extraordinary. This really should be ten against ten. Or possibly ten against nine. Or even... actually, let’s not even go there, we’d have to abandon the match.

3.41pm BST

41 min: But here come dark clouds! WHAT A LEFT HOOK!!! Leonel Sanchez is trying to wriggle round the outside of David near the left-hand corner flag, but the route to the penalty area is cut off and he’s forced to turn back. As he does so, he falls over, his legs covering the ball. David decides to see if matter can pass through matter by thrashing his boot twice at Sanchez’s shins, in a wholly disingenuous attempt to release the ball. Sanchez springs up, plants his right foot on the turf, and with much venom pivots his body to throw a southpaw haymaker. He connects cleanly with David’s jaw. David falls to the floor on his back, spark out. You can get too pious about stuff like this, so let us just say that’s the best left hook you’ll ever see on a football pitch! Pow! Right in the kisser! Straight to the moon!

3.39pm BST

39 min: In other news, it’s become quite sunny.

3.38pm BST

38 min: Chile respond by pinning Italy back in their own area, but the Azzurri are holding firm. There’s nothing going on in the area. Chile resort to hopeful long balls and equally aimless long shots.

3.37pm BST

36 min: So that old joke comes to life: in the midst of a fight, a football match broke out. I wonder if everyone can keep it going? Play along nicely, now, lads.

3.35pm BST

35 min: A chance for Italy! And it’s probably the best of the match so far. Menichelli wins a throw near the left-hand corner flag. He finds Mora with his back to goal. Mora turns and, from the left-hand edge of the area, whips an inswinging ball onto the head of Altafini. The striker’s slap bang in the middle of the area, seven yards out, and unmarked. He really should score, but flashes a header wide right. The stadium falls silent in fear and shock, before 66,057 fans blow their cheeks out in relief.

3.34pm BST

34 min: Leonel Sanchez finds space down the left, and fires a gorgeous ball along the corridor of uncertainty. If Fouilloux was a yard further ahead, he’d have had a simple tap-in from six yards, but the cross sails straight through the area and away from danger.

3.33pm BST

33 min: Eyzaguirre is sent down the right wing and fires a low cross into the centre. With several red shirts lurking, David manages to intercept and Italy hack clear. Chile are beginning to carve out some half-chances. Mora looks to relieve the pressure by taking Italy on an attack of their own up the right, but he’s professionally felled by Fouilloux, who chainsaws his ankles.

3.32pm BST

32 min: Landa goes on a magnificent high-speed slalom down the middle of the park. It’s Garrinchaesque. He’s gently nudged off the ball by Janich. Free kick. Leonel Sanchez dinks it into the area, but it’s headed clear with ease. What a waste of a promising position. What a fine run, though.

3.30pm BST

30 min: Toro has a whack from distance. It’s always high and wide on the right. Mattrel still hasn’t had much to worry about.

3.29pm BST

29 min: Robotti is about to embark on a sortie down the left, but Contreras, charging out from the back, leaves his foot in. Foul. Mora, powered by the steam parping out of his ears, sails over to ask Aston if he really thinks that sort of carry-on is acceptable. The crowd give it plenty. The volume in the stadium hasn’t always been the loudest, it should be noted, with extreme tension winning out over excitement. As the chap on RAI mentions, there’s “a lot of electricity in this match ... the climate is very heavy. There has been hostile propaganda against our players!” A fair point well made, though it’s probably worth remembering who started flinging the insults in the first place.

3.27pm BST

27 min: David bundles Leonel Sanchez to the floor down the left, then stands over him gesticulating in the stereotypical style. Ay ay ay ay ay. The crowd respond to the assault as if this were a pantomime, which it sort of is, I suppose. Toro balloons the free kick, just to the left of the box, out of play on the right.

3.26pm BST

26 min: Fouilloux certainly is on one at the moment. As Robotti clears up a Chilean attack down the left, the striker flies in from stage right with another extra-special slider. If he connects, Robotti’s bones are surely flying into the air then cascading back down to earth in a cartoon pile accompanied by xylophone sound effects. But he misses. It’s like Billy Wright going to the wrong fire in pursuit of Ferenc Puskas at Wembley in 1953, only this time Billy’s wearing knuckledusters and twirling a flick-knife.

3.25pm BST

25 min: Normal service is quickly resumed up the other end. Fouilloux sashays into the Italy area from the left, and is dispossessed by Janich, who jets in for landing with both sets of studs showing. That’s just a ludicrous challenge. No foul, though! The ball flies loose near the corner flag, where it’s picked up by David. Now he’s flipped into the sky, and the aggressor is Fouilloux, who having left the last theatre of war, instantly launched himself into a new dispute with a slide tackle that disregarded reason. Free kick.

3.24pm BST

24 min: Mora chases a ball down the inside-right channel and enters the box. Contreras heads over to cover, but he’s not in total control and Mora is justified in going for the loose ball. Escuti comes out to smother and takes a clatter from Mora’s boot for his trouble. For once, the collision is totally accidental, and to his credit Mora springs up and immediately apologises to the keeper, putting a friendly arm around his shoulder. His apology is accepted, as it is by Chilean captain Navarro, who arrives on the scene with trouble-making intent but quickly realises there’s no problem here, and play restarts. A genuinely sporting moment, which is lovely to see, albeit highly incongruous in the context of what’s gone before.

3.23pm BST

23 min: Rojas drops a shoulder in the midfield and has a rake from the best part of 35 yards. It’s always going wide left, and Mattrel had it covered, but it was a decent enough effort given the distance. The keeper still not really troubled, though. Chile, for all their possession, really have to turn this up a notch. Cranking their central heating down might help in that regard.

3.22pm BST

22 min: Leonel Sanchez, approaching the left-hand corner flag, has his feet swiped from under him by David, rushing in from the middle. Sanchez gets up and hops around in pain, his left foot dangling in mid-air like a dog with a splinter in its paw. David wanders up to the stricken player, ostensibly to apologise, and gives him a playful cuff round the left ear with just a little bit of menace, but not so much that Sanchez can be sure it was a deliberate attack. Very sly. Fouilloux turns up to shove David lightly in the chest. Then the atmosphere suddenly cools. Weird. It’s nothing short of amazing how that failed to end up in a large comic-book cloud of dust with boots and fists sticking out of it. Sanchez decides to concentrate on the free kick instead, which he floats harmlessly into Mattrel’s arms at the near post.

3.21pm BST

21 min: It’s easy to forget how well Italy had started. Now their play is messy, utterly disjointed, totally aimless. They’re reduced to launching long balls upfield in the direction of nobody. Chile mop up again and again; the hosts are enjoying the lion’s share of possession, though they’re doing very little with it. Italy’s debutant keeper Mattrel hasn’t been required to make a meaningful contribution as of yet.

3.19pm BST

19 min: Just about every challenge is an agricultural lunge now. It’s not even news any more. Both sides have totally lost the head. There are a couple of hot-blooded ligament-bothering swipes which are, happily, so badly mistimed they miss their intended target. Tumburus, chasing back after a long ball down the left, lifts a boot to hook it out of play and is an inch away from taking Landa’s face clean off. I’m not sure whether that’s a superb defensive clearance or chargeable offence.

3.17pm BST

17 min: Tumburus brings down Rojas, who was pelting along the inside-left channel with great determination. The free kick’s not very good, but deflected out for a corner. That’s easily cleared, but Toro comes straight back at the Italians. And is immediately hacked by Mora. Another free kick! Which is again wasted, Leonel Sanchez and Toro faffing about. Italy, the collective noggin gone, are really pushing their luck at the moment. The referee’s patience is surely bound to snap. Or Chile’s. Or both.

3.15pm BST

15 min: We’re up and running again! A whole 59 seconds elapse before Maschio leaves a little calling card on Ramierez’s shin. Nothing major, just enough for the Chilean forward to require a minute’s worth of treatment. That’s an “innocent kick”, according to the RAI commentator, working through some new philosophical concepts.

3.14pm BST

14 min: Mora is still having to place himself between his team-mates and the referee. Aston performs the internationally recognised mime for Calm Down Sonny Jim, then points to the centre of the pitch, where he wishes Chile to restart the game. Yes, this game’s going to restart all right, isn’t it.

3.13pm BST

12 min: The military manoeuvres fizzle out relatively quickly. Ferrini is gone. Aston has a word with his linesman on the far side. Mora, Altafini and Menichelli mill around, pattering away in the ref’s ear. They’re not happy about this at all. Thing is, Ferrini’s thuggish challenge was wholly preposterous. What was Aston expected to do?

3.12pm BST

11 min: The police - it appears to be the entire Santiago constabulary - begin the process of marching Ferrini off the field. Mora has a go at persuading the officials to unhand his midfielder, but he’s unceremoniously bundled out of the way. If this wasn’t farcical enough, the kops throw some Keystone shapes: they’re leading the player off in the wrong direction! They’re forced to take a massive u-turn and haul the poor bugger back from whence he came, then down the other end and away! It’s a small wonder they didn’t drive off in a collapsing Ford Model T, with Ferrini on the back seat at the apex of a human pyramid.

3.10pm BST

10 min: THE BOBBIES ARRIVE MOB-HANDED! Several peelers have been called onto the field, and are attempting to lead Ferrini away. He’s not having a bar of it. Salvadore is in the heart of the melee, trying to extricate his friend from the grip of two stern-looking state apparatchiks.

3.10pm BST

9 min: The Italians are incensed. Their captain Mora is arguing passionately with Aston, getting right up in the official’s grille. He’s having to fight two battles at once, as well, because he’s forced to fend off several of his team-mates, all of whom wish to discuss the matter with Aston in the full and frank style. Why he’s bothering to stop them is anyone’s guess, because there’s no danger of this situation escalating ... as it’s simply not possible to escalate it any further! The pitch is flooded with photographers, officials, and assorted geezers from both benches, all of whom have something to say. This is unreal! Several stramashes are taking place in different areas of the pitch, each starring a few wildly flailing players, officials, and irate folk in suits. It’s like a Breugel painting brought to life by Cecil B DeMille, with the entire cast ripped to the tits on PCP.

3.08pm BST

8 min: But he’s not going off. Ferrini is point-blank refusing to do one!

3.07pm BST

7 min: The players do indeed take advantage of that largesse ... and as a result, Italy are down to ten men! Ferrini has another wild hack at a pair of legs, this time the ones dangling from Landa’s trunk, again near the centre circle. This time Aston puts his foot down. Or, to be more accurate, throws his arm around Ferrini, marches him away from the rest of the players, and points to the dugout. He’s been sent off!

3.06pm BST

5 min: IT’S ON!!! BRAWL TIME!!! We’ve not been going long, and yet this has been coming. And what a beautifully choreographed piece of thuggery this is! Leonel Sanchez is meandering near the centre circle. Ferrini, malevolence on his mind, shoves Toro out of the way so he can reach the back of Sanchez’s legs. Wheech! He hacks away with such excitable glee that he falls to the floor before Sanchez does. Sanchez untangles himself and, while still prone, takes a wild swipe at his assailant’s legs. Meantime Toro comes in and blooters the loose ball off Ferrini’s back, then stumbles over the Italian clumsily. This gives Ferrini, still prone, the chance to sweep his studs across Toro’s ankles. They spring up. Toro turns with a view to belting Ferrini in the mushki. He can’t get within arm’s reach, though, as Ferrini sticks up a knee to protect his personal space and his teeth. The referee steps in, boxing style, to usher Ferrini away. Sanchez, one of several players rushing in to see what’s occurring, falls to the floor after being shoved in the chest by the Italian captain Mora. It all calms down soon enough - give or take a pitch invasion of photographers - but for a second that looked like breaking into a 22-man brawl. The initial tangle between Ferrini, Sanchez and Toro also briefly threatened to break into an interpretive dance piece, but let’s not confuse the issue. The referee takes no action whatsoever!!! Let’s hope the players don’t take advantage of that largesse.

3.05pm BST

4 min and a bit: Eyzaguirre cuts in from a deep position on the right and makes ground. His progress is abruptly, cynically, and illegally checked. A common-or-garden free kick, but animosity crackles as Chile prepare to take it. Rojas places the ball. Maschio questions the positioning. Rojas shoves Maschio in the chest. Referee Aston places the ball a couple of yards back up the pitch. All the while, Fouilloux is standing statue still, piercing eyes fixed upfield, staring out whichever Italian’s attention he can grab. Doesn’t matter who. Rojas takes a preposterous 20-yard run-up and whacks the ball towards the penalty area. He’s surely not trying to score, the free kick’s nearly 40 yards out. He just wants to wallop someone in the face, isn’t he. Tumburus clears. And then the inevitable occurs ...

3.04pm BST

4 min: Tumburus, by the centre spot, slides a pass down the left channel to release Altafini, who drops a shoulder to pass the covering Raul Sanchez. Altafini enters the area, fizzing a low shot towards the bottom left. Escuti smothers. This is a decent start by Italy.

3.03pm BST

3 min: Ferrini rakes a gorgeous long ball down the left for Menichelli, who pauses, then turns the burners on to leave Eyzaguirre behind. He reaches the box and looks for his fellow attackers in the middle, but his mid-height cross is claimed by Escuti.

3.02pm BST

2 min: The tone, your simple MBM scribe would humbly suggest, has been set in short order, and quickly to boot. Do you think we can get through another 88 minutes without this one going the shape of a badly rolled and undercooked pizza? Fingers crossed, huh kids.

3.01pm BST

32 seconds: Ooyah! The first foul of the day! That didn’t take too much time either. Chile play it back down the other wing, where Mora hassles Contreras off the ball and looks to break upfield. Navarro is having none of it, and cynically clips Mora’s ankles as he skitters up the touchline. Rojas has a little swipe as well, just to make sure. Mora’s chin nearly hits the floor at full tilt, but he somehow manages to stay upright and continues running off upfield, waving his hand in the dismissive, disgusted style.

3.00pm BST

13 seconds: ... oof! The first wild lunge of the game! Well that didn’t take long. Ramirez looks to scamper down the right touchline but is forced to put on the brakes to avoid Robotti, who comes to meet him at uncompromising speed. Ramirez is able to dance round the challenge and retain possession.

3.00pm BST

Chile v Italy is go! The hosts get the ball rolling. And five passes later ...

2.55pm BST

The teams are out! Chile in blood red, Italy in savoy blue. Whistling > anthems. The atmosphere is somewhat febrile, pretty much as expected. Chile’s national stadium on a rolling boil, a bain-marie of belligerence. Time to swap pennants. And bodily fluids, it would seem. A few of the Italians don’t look particularly happy, there seems to be some suggestion that they’ve been spat at by the Chileans. Strap yourself in, this could get interesting! We’ll be off in a minute.

2.35pm BST

Chile head coach Fernando Riera isn’t of a mind to fix what ain’t broke. He names the same XI that saw off the Swiss.

By contrast, Italian coaches Paolo Mazza and Giovanni Ferrari have rung the changes. Six of them, to be precise. Captain and keeper Renzo Buffon is injured; Carlo Mattrel will take his place, making his international debut. Mario David and Francesco Janich replace Giacomo Losi and Cesare Maldini in defence. Paride Tumburus and Humberto Maschio come into the midfield, with Gigi Radice missing out. And in attack, Gianni Rivera and Omar Sivori make way for Bruno Mora, who will be the stand-in captain.

2.30pm BST

Chile: Misael Escuti (Colo-Colo), Luis Eyzaguirre (Universidad de Chile), Sergio Navarro (Universidad de Chile), Carlos Contreras (Universidad de Chile), Raul Sanchez (Santiago Wanderers), Eladio Rojas (Everton de Viña del Mar), Jaime Ramires (Universidad de Chile), Jorge Toro (Colo-Colo), Honorino Landa (Union Española), Alberto Fouilloux (Universidad Catolica), Leonel Sanchez (Universidad de Chile).

Italy: Carlo Mattrel (Palermo), Mario David (Milan), Enzo Robotti (Fiorentina), Paride Tumburus (Bologna), Francesco Janich (Bologna), Sandro Salvadore (Milan), Bruno Mora (Juventus), Humberto Maschio (Atalanta), Jose Altafini (Milan), Giorgio Ferrini (Torino), Giampaolo Menichelli (Roma).

2.15pm BST

Tl;dr. Italy must avoid defeat today, or they’ll be heading back home. A Chile victory would bring both honour and a place in the quarter-finals.

Kick off: Yes, there’s a fair chance it might. The match starts at 3pm. It’s on!

2.10pm BST

Ghiredelli and Pizzinelli insisted their reports had been tweaked by sensationalists back on the desk - have you ever heard of such a thing? - but their pleas fell on deaf ears, the damage done. An innocent Argentinian journalist, minding his own business in a bar one night, was mistaken for one of the Italian scribes and given a bloody good hiding. Ghiredelli and Pizzinelli decided to flee back home before they got theirs. And now the poor Italian squad are in town, left to deal with the fallout from the actions of those two gobby buffoons. Feelings are running high. O Antonio! O Corrado! O tempora! O mores!

2.05pm BST

Just a wild guess, but that might explain why the locals got a bit touchy last month when Italian journalists Antonio Ghiredelli and Corrado Pizzinelli rocked up and started trash-talking Chile as a rubble-strewn slum. In dispatches sent back to their Florence rag, they also questioned the organisation of the tournament, as well as moaning about the “lack of beauty” among the local female population. Aside from the ring-a-ding-ding sexism, you have to admire the cheek of football writers berating someone else’s appearance. Football writers. Not long after publication in Italy, word got back to Chile, and all bets were off, folk understandably not best pleased at their country’s reputation having been traduced in the wake of tragedy.

2.00pm BST

... to 22 May 1960, 3.11pm. That was when the most powerful earthquake ever recorded, registering 9.6 on the Richter Scale, hit Lumaco, a town 350 miles south of Santiago. Most of the damage was copped by the nearby city of Valdivia, the ten-minute quake triggering landslides and floods, sparking a volcano in the Andes, and setting off a tsunami that caused devastating damage 6,800 miles away in Hawaii. An official death toll was never confirmed, but estimates suggest up to 7,000 poor souls lost their lives. Two million Chileans - and remember Chile’s total population is only six million - were left homeless throughout the upcoming biting winter. A genuine humanitarian catastrophe.

1.55pm BST

However the legendary Vittorio Pozzo, the man behind the glories of 1934 and 1938, sounded a pre-tournament warning. Now a journalist of some renown, Pozzo wrote in La Stampa: “Our football is too riddled with a defensive mentality to allow the necessary switch to free attack.” And the old maestro was proved right during that goalless draw with the Germans two days ago, when Italy showed next to nothing in attack. One of Pozzo’s colleagues suggested they froze in the face of an intimidating atmosphere, every move met with a cacophony of catcalls and abuse from the local crowd. But why all the noise? Why the opprobrium? OK, so let’s go back a couple of years ...

1.50pm BST

So what of two-time winners Italy, who Chile face today? The Azzurri, kings of the world before the war, have struggled since the resumption of the Copa Jules Rimet. The tragic loss of the Grande Torino at Superga in 1949 effectively scuppered their 1950 campaign from the get-go. They didn’t get out of their group in 1954 either, and last time round couldn’t even make it as far as the finals, Northern Ireland delivering the knockout punch in the qualifiers. But there was genuine hope this year, not least because of the talented oriundi imports up front: Humberto Maschio and Omar Sivori, once of Argentina, and Jose Altafini, a member of Brazil’s victorious squad four years ago. Throw in promising young playmaker Gianni Rivera, and you can see why some had been talking them up as the dark horses of 1962. Potential champions?

1.47pm BST

The day after, in the other Group 2 match, Italy drew 0-0 with West Germany. Not so much to report about that one.

1.40pm BST

It was no particular surprise, then, that this World Cup got off to a fairly excitable start three days ago. Chile faced Switzerland in the opening match at the Estadio Nacional in Santiago, and within six minutes they’d fallen behind to a speculative dig from distance by Rolf Wuthrich. You could have heard a pin drop, eerie echoes of the Maracana 12 years ago, Uruguay, Ghiggia, suicides in Rio, all that. Chile responded by getting physical: Eladio Rojas really should have been sent packing by English referee Ken Aston for throwing hands with Norbert Eschmann. The Swiss, managed by master tactician Karl Rappan, decided to sit back on their lead, challenging the hosts to unlock their verrou (“bolt”) defence. Bad choice! Leonel Sanchez equalised with a lucky deflection just before half-time. Six minutes after the break, Jaime Ramirez put Chile into the lead, whereupon hundreds of ecstatic punters staged a pitch invasion. All good-natured, and once it was cleared up, Sanchez wasted little time in adding a third. The hosts were off to a Group 2 flyer! On came the fans again at the end. This means more!

1.36pm BST

All up and down this beautiful long strip of a country, school holidays have been brought forward by a month to allow kids to watch the Campeonato Mundial de Fútbol. They’d simply otherwise not bother turning up for lessons, you see. Take the pretty garden city of Viña del Mar, where over 500 children between the age of eight to 12 issued one school quite the brazen ultimatum: allow us time off so we can get the autographs of the reigning champions Brazil, training nearby, or we will burn the school down. They were given the time requested. The benefits of collective bargaining, kids, right there. There is power in a union. Join one.

12.53pm BST

It’s fair to say the Chileans are up for their World Cup. Take the scenes last Sunday in Rengo, a remote village 70 miles south of Rancagua, when Hungary played a practice match against the local team. Over 2,000 fans congregated in a field below the Andes as a military band played, soldiers marched, anthems were sung, guns and rockets were fired high into the sky, schoolchildren waved their Lone Star flags and cheered, and the big cheeses of the community made passionate speeches. A rousing scene. Not sure what the result of the actual game was. Doesn’t matter, does it.

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The Fiver | Newcastle United, Mike Ashley and a famous consortium-fronter

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The Fiver’s decision to furlough all of its stereotypical cousins has been met with thundering indifference. Po’ Shortbread McFiver! Po’ Theme Pub O’Fiver! Po Juan de la Juan de la Juan de la Juan Straw Donkey Acoustic Guitar Olé Olé Olé Eldorado Sun Sea Sand Dust Fiver! Did they exist merely as ciphers whose sole purpose was to allow The Fiver to churn out the same tired old riffs again and again and again over two inspiration-free decades for nothing? By the looks of it yes, is the answer to that.

Related: Newcastle takeover: will Saudi deal be the one that finally goes through?

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The Fiver | Lawyers, affronted rants and the vote on the Scottish season

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The current pandemic has forced The Fiver’s hand and, after not thinking things through properly, we are sad to announce that we have had to furlough all of our stereotypical cousins. See you on the other side, Theme Pub O’Fiver! We’ll meet again, Llanfair­pwllgwyngyll­gogery­chwyrn­drobwll­llan­tysilio­gogo­goch Fiver! Catch you later, Juan de la Juan de la Juan de la Juan Straw Donkey Acoustic Guitar Olé Olé Olé Eldorado Sun Sea Sand Dust Fiver! This painful decision secures The Fiver’s financial viability going forward [no it doesn’t – The Man], but on the other hand it means Shortbread McFiver isn’t around to report on this big here meeting that’s going on in Scotland. Oh Shortbread! We hardly knew ye!

Related: How Scottish football's voting farce led to open warfare breaking out

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England v West Germany at Italia '90 – as it happened

The BBC are replaying the World Cup semi-final in full online at 3pm BST on Sunday. Watch and read along with our retro MBM

4.06pm GMT

This is an edited extract from And Gazza Misses The Final, a collection of 22 minute-by-minute reports from classic World Cup matches written by Rob Smyth and Scott Murray. Scroll to the bottom to get started ...

4.05pm GMT

It’s not too trite to say that neither side really deserved to go out. England were the better side in normal time and West Germany in extra time. The Germans will go on to their third consecutive final, hoping to avenge their defeats in 1982 and 1986. England go into a third-place play-off with Italy on Saturday after a night of raw emotion and proud heartbreak that will live with us all for ever. Gazza has tears streaming down his reddened face as he salutes the England fans. Time to listen to ‘World in Motion’ on loop while drowning a million sweet sorrows.

4.03pm GMT

WADDLE MISSES AND ENGLAND ARE OUT! England 1–1 West Germany (3–4 pens) Waddle smashes his penalty inches over the bar – although such is its dramatic trajectory it soon looks like he’s missed by yards – and England’s dream is over. It’s the cruellest way to go out, particularly after such a wonderful performance. Many of us have never seen them play better. Waddle sinks to his knees, crestfallen. Matthäus breaks away from the German celebrations to help him to his feet, which is a nice touch from a truly world-class player. Bobby Robson smiles ruefully but also proudly, gently punching the air as if to say, ‘Bugger our luck.’ He knows how desperately close England were – not just to reaching the final but to winning the World Cup. Their campaign started farcically and ended glori­ously. Yes, okay, gloriously and farcically.

4.02pm GMT

THON SCORES! England 3–4 West Germany. England are on the brink now. Thon places another accurate penalty into the bottom-right corner. Shilton went the right way yet again but, again, got nowhere near it. It’ll be Waddle rather than Gascoigne, who is presumably too much of an emotional wreck to take a penalty, and if he doesn’t score England are out.

4.01pm GMT

PEARCE MISSES! England 3–3 West Germany. Oh no. Stuart Pearce, so reliable from the spot for Nottingham Forest, has had his kick saved by Illgner. In truth it wasn’t a great penalty, blasted almost straight down the middle but low enough so that, even though Illgner had dived to his right, he was able to save it with his feet.

4.01pm GMT

RIEDLE SCORES! England 3–3 West Germany. Again Shilton goes the right way and again he’s nowhere near saving it. In fact, it seems he’s waiting to see where the kick is going before he dives. That’s a dodgy tactic because the German penalties are so accurate. That one, from Riedle, was whipped high into the right of the net.

4.00pm GMT

PLATT SCORES! England 3–2 West Germany. That was a bit close for comfort. Platt sidefooted it to his left but it was at a saveable height and Illgner managed to get fingertips on it. Thankfully for England it was far enough out of his reach that he couldn’t get a full hand on it and he could only help it into the net. Platt trots back to the halfway line with the nervous smile of a man who has avoided a firing squad.

4.00pm GMT

MATTHAUS SCORES! England 2–2 West Germany. You don’t save those. Matthäus booms a frighteningly certain penalty low to Shilton’s right. Shilton went the right way again but was getting nowhere near that.

3.59pm GMT

BEARDSLEY SCORES! England 2–1 West Germany. Beardsley shuffles forward a little nervously then takes another excellent penalty, high to his right. Illgner went the right way but couldn’t get near it.

3.58pm GMT

BREHME SCORES! England 1–1 West Germany. An even better penalty, placed carefully into the bottom-left corner with his right foot. Shilton dived the right way but it was a wonder­fully accurate penalty, right into the side-netting. When Brehme took a penalty at the 1986 World Cup he used his left foot. You can’t get much more two-footed than that.

3.58pm GMT

LINEKER SCORES! England 1–0 West Germany. Did you expect anything else? Lineker drills it confidently into the left side of the net as Illgner dives the other way.

3.57pm GMT

Before Sunday’s game against Cameroon, England had not had a penalty for four years. Now they will have taken at least seven in four days. There are 17 years between the goalkeepers: Peter Shilton, 40, and Bodo Illgner, 23. Illgner will be first in action because England are going to kick first. It’ll be Lineker, in fact.

3.54pm GMT

With England hanging on for dear life, the referee blows five seconds early. So England are into virgin territory: a penalty shoot-out. Both sets of players embrace warmly. This has been a cracking game and there’s a general recognition that neither side deserves to lose. The mutual respect is quite moving.

3.52pm GMT

118 min: NOW BUCHWALD HITS THE POST! Can you take any more of this? Germany were so close to winning the match there. Riedle broke forward from the halfway line and played the ball to the right of the box for Matthäus, who came inside and had his left-footed shot blocked by Pearce. It broke to Buchwald – the bloody centre-back – who controlled it calmly 20 yards from goal and then, using Steven as a screen, placed a lovely curler to the left of Shilton that bounced up on to the outside of the post! Unbelievable stuff.

3.52pm GMT

117 min: The corner comes to nothing and Germany break dan­gerously. Augenthaler drills a superb 40-yard pass to Klinsmann, who heads it beyond the last man Walker and, for a moment, looks like he has him beaten for pace. Don’t be silly. Walker catches him up on the right of the box, stays on his feet and makes a superb interception. He has been simply majestic.

3.51pm GMT

116 min: John Motson says that Bobby Robson told him this afternoon that the five penalty takers, if needed, would be Lineker, Beardsley, Gascoigne, Pearce and Platt. We almost didn’t need them because Illgner fumbled Steven’s cross from the left awkwardly over his own bar for a corner.

3.50pm GMT

115 min: England are starting to look tired now. Brehme, a man with two right feet, zips infield from the left and plays a one-two with Riedle before spanking a vicious right-footed shot just over the bar from 20 yards. Shilton had it covered but it came right off the sweet spot.

3.50pm GMT

114 min: GOOD SAVE FROM SHILTON! Thon has far too much space to take possession on the edge of the D and shape a lovely right-footed curler towards the far post. Shilton springs a long way to his left to catch the ball – a slightly showy save but still a good one.

3.47pm GMT

113 min: It’s credit to Platt and Gascoigne in particular that Matthäus has been so quiet as an attacking force tonight. He has had his hands full defensively.

3.47pm GMT

Level was offside in 1990. Even so this (after 116m) could easily have been given: http://t.co/YUuiq0GWrV

3.46pm GMT

112 min Platt, arriving late in the box, leaps almost backwards to head Parker’s flat cross over the bar from the penalty spot.

3.45pm GMT

111 min: PLATT HAS A GOAL DISALLOWED! From the resulting free-kick, swung in by Waddle, Platt flicked a smart header past Illgner but he had been flagged offside a split-second earlier. There are no complaints but that was seriously tight. The Germans pushed up but Berthold stayed a bit deeper and was so close to playing Platt onside. He was level at worst, as was Gascoigne further across the line. Platt was fractionally onside and Gascoigne fractionally off. So it’s the right decision but it was painfully close.

3.44pm GMT

110 min: Gascoigne shields the ball down the right wing and Brehme simply boots him up in the air from behind. That’s an appalling tackle – much worse than Gascoigne’s on Berthold – and he is rightly booked. Brehme and Gascoigne shake hands and pat each other on the head. There’s been a huge amount of goodwill in this game. You have to admire Gascoigne’s response to that yellow card. If anything it’s given him a second wind.

3.43pm GMT

109 min: Riedle nutmegs Walker down the left and toe-bungs a dangerous cross towards Klinsmann. Gascoigne, running towards his own goal at the near post, just manages to divert the ball away from Klinsmann.

3.41pm GMT

107 min: England have switched their wingers so that they are playing on the ‘wrong’ side: Steven on the left and Waddle on the right. Steven plays a beautiful pass on the turn down the left but Pearce is fractionally offside.

3.40pm GMT

106 min: England kick off the second period of extra time. Fifteen minutes without a goal and England will be involved in their first-ever penalty shoot-out. West Germany have had three: they lost in the final of Euro 76 but won matches at the World Cup in 1982 and 1986.

3.39pm GMT

Who needs a drink?

3.39pm GMT

105 min: WADDLE HITS THE POST! England come within an inch of going ahead with the last kick of the half. When Steven’s cross from the left was partially cleared, the same man leapt above Berthold to head it back towards the area. It came to Waddle, 12 yards out on the left side of the box, and he smacked a brilliant first-time shot across Illgner and flush off the inside of the far post. That’s desperately unlucky – not least because Platt was within a whisker of putting the rebound in, but it flew off the post so quickly that he couldn’t react in time.

3.36pm GMT

103 min: After that initial wobble, Gascoigne has managed to refocus and is doing some diligent defensive work.

3.34pm GMT

101 min: Thon, 25 yards out, swooshes a very good shot not too far wide of the near post. West Germany have been much the better side in this half.

3.33pm GMT

A different angle on Gazza's booking (1h7m into the video). He goes through 472 different emotions in 20 seconds. http://t.co/JVSEoIEvZF

3.32pm GMT

100 min: . . . AND GAZZA MISSES THE FINAL. England have to get there first, of course, but if they do, Gascoigne will not feature against Argentina on Sunday. This is horrible. He is on the cusp of tears and the proud English tradition of the stiff upper lip is taking a serious hit: Gazza’s is wobbling all over the place. Lineker says something to Gascoigne and then pulls his Grave Face before saying ‘Have a word with him’ to the bench. That is just too cruel. It does rather seem that the West Germans got him booked, which is a desperate shame because this game has otherwise been played in an incredibly good spirit. Poor old Gazza. He has been the star of England’s tournament and now his whole world has collapsed. It’s not just Gazza, either; English football has just had its heart broken into a million tiny pieces.

3.32pm GMT

99 min: HOLD ON . . . THERE COULD BE TROUBLE HERE . . . Gascoigne overruns the ball in midfield and then lunges with typically naive enthusiasm at Berthold. It’s a clear foul but does not merit Berthold’s reaction – 77 rollovers – or that of the rest of the German camp, who are all at the referee, both on the field and from the bench. Gascoigne, realizing the implications, put both hands up in apology like a kid who has used that whoopee cushion on his teacher once too often and will never do it again I promise but please don’t punish me this time. He immediately goes to apologize to Berthold. It looks like he’s got away with it, for ten seconds at least, but then, with Hitchcockian suddenness, out comes the card . . .

3.31pm GMT

97 min: England are rocking. Beardsley gives the ball away cheaply on the halfway line and, seconds later, Walker just gets in front of Riedle at the near post to put Brehme’s cross out for a corner.

3.30pm GMT

96 min: KLINSMANN MISSES ANOTHER CHANCE! West Germany could easily be ahead. Wright came deep with Klinsmann to try to win possession and, as he followed the ball, Klinsmann kept running into the space behind. The ball came to the sweeper Augenthaler, who flipped an inviting angled pass over the top. Klinsmann was free, 12 yards from goal and in line with the left-hand post, but he screwed his left-footed volley across goal and just wide. It was a harder chance than it looked because the pass was coming almost over his shoulder and there was no pace on the ball, but again a player of his class should surely have done better.

3.28pm GMT

95 min: GREAT SAVE FROM SHILTON! Shilton has had scarcely anything to do all night but now produces a superb save from Klinsmann. West Germany moved the ball slowly, all the way across the field from right to left, with Thon eventually shifting it down the line to Brehme. He curled over a wonderful first-time cross and Klinsmann, towering above Walker on the six-yard line, thumped a downward header towards goal. Shilton plunged to his right to make a superb reaction stop with both hands. It wasn’t right in the corner, and someone as good in the air as Klinsmann might feel he should have done better, but it was a brilliant save. That mistake against Uruguay just before the tournament seems a long, long time ago.

3.26pm GMT

93 min Pearce wins the first corner of extra-time. It’s swung in by Gascoigne and nicks off the head of a defender at the near post, but the stretching Wright can only loop the ball up in the air for Illgner to claim easily.

3.25pm GMT

92 min: A bit of danger for England as West Germany break two on two. Klinsmann runs into the box but is superbly tackled by Walker. He really is imperious.

3.23pm GMT

91 min: West Germany kick off from left to right. England haven’t used their final substitution.

3.19pm GMT

Bobby Robson is wandering round rallying the troops and giving tactical instructions to Parker; Waddle and Bull are having a laugh about something. England look pretty relaxed. ‘We’ve got another half-hour and we might have penalties,’ says Des Lynam. ‘Are you ready for this?’

3.16pm GMT

How’s your ticker? For the third game in a row, England are going to extra time – the first time that has ever happened in any World Cup. It’s the least they deserve after a fine, sophisticated performance, their best of the tournament by a mile.

3.14pm GMT

89 min: England are passing the ball around at the back and both sides look happy to take extra time now. That’s all well and good for them but some of us planned to watch M*A*S*H on BBC2 at nine.

3.12pm GMT

87 min: A little bit of West German pressure, with an extended series of throw-ins on the right wing, but England defend them comfortably enough. Walker and Wright have been outstanding.

3.10pm GMT

85 min: Beardsley is still on, the plan to introduce Bull having been aborted after the goal.

3.09pm GMT

84 min: Gascoigne nails a glorious 60-yard crossfield pass to Lineker, who is just about to put the ball back in the box when Platt is penalized for some off-the-ball tomfoolery

3.09pm GMT

83 min: That’s Lineker’s tenth World Cup goal: four this year and six in 1986. What a gem. He started this tournament slowly but has looked really sharp tonight and he took that beautifully. It was a more difficult chance than it looked.

3.07pm GMT

England have saved themselves in the last ten minutes again! Parker swung over a long cross towards Lineker from near the halfway line on the right. It hit the thigh of Kohler, who was running towards his own goal, and as it bounced up Lineker kneed it away from Augenthaler and Berthold before cracking an excellent left-footed shot across goal and into the far corner. The Germans had too many cooks in the box but it was clinical finishing. On the bench Bobby Robson reclines in his seat while wearing the most beautiful smile: warm, benign and extremely proud.

3.06pm GMT

79 min: The tireless Parker runs Brehme down the right to win a corner. It’s tossed deep by Beardsley and Wright’s looping header is comfortably saved by Illgner. Bobby Robson is about to roll the dice for the last time: Steve Bull is preparing to come on, presum­ably for Beardsley.

3.02pm GMT

75 min: The game is meandering a bit. England are doing okay but West Germany look reasonably comfortable.

2.57pm GMT

71 min: Pearce goes on a barnstorming, leggy surge from the halfway line, all the way to the edge of the box where he falls over after a double challenge from Berthold and Augenthaler. It looked like Berthold got something on the ball but the referee gives the free-kick, 20 yards from goal. This is a great opportunity for Gascoigne – but in fact Waddle lays it square to Beardsley, whose shot is blocked desperately by Matthäus. Before the kick was taken, Trevor Steven came on to replace Butcher, so England are back to 4-4-2.

2.55pm GMT

69 min: HOW IS THAT NOT A PENALTY? England are des­perately unlucky here. Waddle, on the left of the box, draws the tackle from Augenthaler with a swing of the hips and then shifts the ball to his left just before Augenthaler takes him down. That is a clear penalty but the referee waves play on. In his defence, nobody appealed – Waddle just got straight up with that hangdog gait – and on first viewing it was hard to be certain it was a penalty. But when you see the replays there is no doubt whatsoever.

2.53pm GMT

68 min Waddle makes a lovely angled run behind the defence but Gascoigne overhits his through ball this much and that allows the last man Kohler to come across and concede a corner. Kohler has been fantastic tonight.

2.53pm GMT

67 min: West Germany make their second substitution: Stefan Reuter replaces Hässler, who hasn’t recovered from the tackle from Pearce that led to Brehme’s goal. Reuter is normally a right wing-back but he has gone straight into midfield.

2.52pm GMT

65 min: You have to admire the spirit England have shown since going behind. No sulking or feeling sorry for themselves after such an unfortunate goal; just a quiet determination to get an equalizer. Gascoigne swerves away from Augenthaler on the edge of the area and is baulked. He is so good at taking defend­ers out of the game in the middle of the pitch, a rare quality indeed among midfield players. The free-kick hits the wall and moments later Parker clatters Buchwald, bringing the first yellow card of the game.

2.49pm GMT

63 min: WHAT A CHANCE FOR ENGLAND! That was des­perately close to an equalizer. After he was fouled on the left, Gascoigne swung in a superb free-kick and Pearce, getting in front of Riedle at the near post, flicked a backheader across goal and just wide of the far post with Illgner motionless.

2.48pm GMT

62 min: Matthäus moves away from Butcher far too easily and charges to within 25 yards of Shilton before shooting across goal and well wide. England just need to keep their nerve and make sure they don’t go two down because if they do it’s over.

2.48pm GMT

61 min: Is Shilton at fault for the goal? Difficult to know. His feet didn’t move quite as quickly as they might but it was a horrible and unexpected deflection.

2.45pm GMT

It had been coming but England are desperately unlucky with the manner of this goal. Pearce fouled Hässler 22 yards from goal, to the right of centre. The free-kick was touched off to Brehme, whose shot took a vicious deflection off Parker before looping high in the air and agonizingly over the stranded Shilton, who couldn’t back-pedal quickly enough and ended up helping it into the net as he fell backwards.

2.44pm GMT

58 min: A lucky escape for England. Matthus goes on a trade­mark robotic charge down the left wing, away from Waddle, Gascoigne and Walker, but when he gets into the box he slips over just as he is about to pick out a cross. ‘England are under siege now,’ says John Motson.

2.43pm GMT

57 min West Germany are really turning the screw. Matthäus lays the ball back invitingly for Thon, who drags a 25-yard shot well wide of the near post.

2.42pm GMT

56 min: Lineker is flattened by Kohler, who then picks him up and pats his sweaty head. There’s been a lot of that in a match that has been played in a really good spirit.

2.40pm GMT

54 min: This game is extremely open at the moment – too open – and Wright makes a really important block from Riedle on the edge of the box.

2.38pm GMT

53 min: England win a corner – and almost concede a goal within 20 seconds. After Pearce miscontrolled the ball 35 yards from goal, West Germany broke in a flash. Walker tackled Klinsmann but the ball came to Thon, who ran 25 yards into the box before shifting the ball to the left of the last man Parker and hitting a shot that Shilton had to beat away to his left.

2.34pm GMT

49 min A good move from England. Waddle, on the right wing, flips a superb first-time return pass over the top for the onrushing Parker. He gets beyond Brehme and into the box, but his touch is a little heavy and Augenthaler comes across to clear.

2.33pm GMT

48 min: West Germany have started this half as they finished the first and are having a lot of the ball.

2.32pm GMT

47 min: Matthäus plays a dangerous one-two with Riedle before breaking into the box but four England defenders manage to crowd him out.

2.31pm GMT

46 min: West Germany kick off from right to left.

2.18pm GMT

Half-time chit-chat. The BBC boys are full of praise for Walker, with Terry Venables describing him as ‘unbeatable’. That’s what they sing. Jimmy Hill, channelling William Morris, says it’s ‘a pleasure to see an England team give such a display in the arts and crafts of the game’.

2.16pm GMT

HALF TIME: England 0–0 West Germany. After a few hairy minutes, England get the breather they need and deserve for a superb first-half performance: controlled, mature and rousing. There weren’t any clear-cut chances for either side but it’s been a very good game.

2.12pm GMT

42 min: GET BEHIND THE SOFA. IT’S HAPPENING! West Germany are suddenly all over England, having their best spell of the game by a mile. A sustained spell of high-tempo pos­session in the England half ends with Buchwald failing to win a free-kick on the edge of the area. England are hanging on and could really do with half time.

2.10pm GMT

41 min: West Germany’s best chance yet. They win a free-kick 25 yards out, left of centre, and while everyone is expecting a shot Brehme instead lays it square to Augenthaler. He cuts across a very good, swooshing right-footed strike and Shilton has to move smartly to his right to tip it over two-handed, falling off his feet in the process.

2.09pm GMT

39 min: Riedle replaces Völler, who is being helped down the touchline. He must be doubtful for Sunday’s final when, sorry, if West Germany get there. What a tournament he has had: sent off for being flobbed on in the second round, suspended for the quarter-final, now injured in the semi.

2.08pm GMT

38 min A patient West German move ends with Hassler finding Thon 25 yards out. He dummies Platt and then crunches a good left-footed shot that Shilton saves comfortably despite a potentially awkward bounce just in front of him.

2.07pm GMT

36 min Völler is still down and Karl-Heinz Riedle is getting ready. Völler barely got a kick from Walker, who has been immense. Again.

2.04pm GMT

34 min: CHRIS WADDLE HITS THE BAR FROM 45 YARDS! It wouldn’t have counted, as the referee had blown for a foul by Platt a split-second earlier, but that was an incred­ible effort. The ball broke loose off Augenthaler and Waddle lofted it first time towards goal, a golf shot really, and Illgner had to jump backwards to tip it on to the bar. That was reminis­cent of Pelé in 1970 but this time it was a bloody Englishman doing it.

2.03pm GMT

33 min Völler may have to go off here: he deliberately kicked the ball out of play and immediately waved to the physio. It looks like he’s pulled something in the back of his leg.

2.00pm GMT

30 min: That was a bit of a scare for England. Völler ran down the right-hand side of the box on to an angled pass from the sweeper Augenthaler. Shilton came to meet him unnecessarily and Völler moved away from him before Gascoigne came round to block his cross. That was an important interception because Shilton was out of the game.

1.58pm GMT

28 min: Platt and Gascoigne play a classy one-two on the halfway line, and Platt keeps running into the space down the left wing, all the way into the area before trying and failing to take on Augenthaler. He should have looked for Waddle or Lineker but that was a rare bit of immaturity from a player who has been one of the surprise joys of this tournament.

1.57pm GMT

27 min: Terry Butcher does a backheel! We’ve seen everything now. Butcher, in the centre circle, backheels the ball to Gascoigne and then swans off back to his position with the studied indiffer­ence of a man who has just saved the world but, honestly, it’s no biggie.

1.54pm GMT

24 min: Another good effort from Gascoigne. Waddle’s free-kick from the right is headed clear by Klinsmann; it comes to Gascoigne, who controls the ball on his chest 22 yards from goal and then lashes the bouncing ball towards goal. It was a sweet strike but straight at Illgner, who held on.

1.54pm GMT

23 min John Motson reminds us that there are three England players who will miss the match if they get booked tonight: Pearce, Gascoigne and McMahon. West Germany also have three on a yellow card: Berthold, Matthaus and Klinsmann. Argentina will be without four players in Sunday’s final because of cards they received last night.

1.49pm GMT

19 min: Lineker’s movement and link play have been really smart. He shifts the ball away from Kohler on the left and hammers over a deep cross towards Parker of all people, and he heads wide under pressure. The BBC co-commentator Trevor Brooking says this is ‘easily England’s best start’ of the tournament.

1.47pm GMT

17 min: A delightful move from England. Platt, with six West German defenders surrounding him, waits and waits and then plays a smart pass in behind the defence for the onrushing Pearce. He hits a first-time cross towards Lineker at the near post and Kohler slides in desperately to concede a corner. A great tackle, and lovely stuff from England.

1.45pm GMT

15 min: Gazza cockily Cruyff-turns away from Klinsmann on the halfway line. He has been very confident and influential so far, more so than Matthäus. This really is his stage.

1.42pm GMT

12 min: West Germany have their first half-chance. Hässler, a mischievous little player, dupes Butcher on the edge of the box before hitting a left-footed shot that spins off Pearce and not too far wide of the far post.

1.41pm GMT

11 min: ‘England are playing some tidy football,’ exclaims the BBC’s John Motson, shocked by a display of incontrovertible Anglo-competence.

1.40pm GMT

10 min: Another decent opening for England. Beardsley breaks the offside trap on the right wing but, with only Lineker in support, he shanks his cross wide of the near post.

1.38pm GMT

8 min West Germany haven’t got into this game at all as an attacking force yet. Walker and Wright are jockstrap-tight on Voller and Klinsmann.

1.35pm GMT

5 min: Difficult to know how to break this to you, but England have started brilliantly. Lineker lays a loose ball off to Gascoigne, who shimmies smartly inside Augenthaler on the edge of the box before his thumping left-footed shot is well blocked by Kohler.

1.33pm GMT

3 min: Butcher, rather than Wright, is playing as the spare man at the back. Perhaps they don’t trust his legs in a one-on-one against these two quick West German forwards. Walker is taking Völler and Wright is on Klinsmann.

1.32pm GMT

2 min: WHAT A START FROM ENGLAND! England come storming out of the traps and Lineker wins a corner on the right inside 15 seconds. It’s taken by Beardsley and half-cleared to the edge of the box, where Gascoigne hooks the bouncing ball back whence it came with his left foot. It’s a beautiful effort and, although it’s swerving just wide of the near post, Illgner leaps to his left to palm it behind. That leads to a second corner, which leads to a third. That leads to nothing but England almost get in again thirty seconds later when Beardsley, played onside by Buchwald, breaks into the box from the left. He has Lineker and Waddle in support but tries to take on Buchwald, who dispos­sesses him well. Rousing stuff from England.

1.29pm GMT

1 min: England kick off from right to left. They are in white; West Germany are in their funky epilepsy-inducing green away kit.

1.27pm GMT

Anthemwatch: The England fans boo the West German anthem. For heaven’s sake, you bastards. Gascoigne, who has had some absurd criticism from humourless clowns for sticking his tongue out during the anthem, settles for just easing the tip out and smiling gently.

1.25pm GMT

The players are in the tunnel. Wright has a big plaster on his left eye; it’s a right mess, like someone applied it while blindfolded and high on Hofmeister. Waddle has chopped off his mullet (insert your own Samson joke here). Gascoigne gives Beardsley a kiss on the right cheek. This is just another game in the park to him, isn’t it? He has spent the last month taking the piss out of everyone, from Ronald Koeman to Mark Goodier on Top of the Pops, so why should this faze him? West Germany look calm, businesslike and other German clichés. This really is just another game for them, their eighth semi-final out of nine attempts in the last 20 years. You probably don’t need me to tell you how many England have been in during that time. Clue: it’s less than one.

1.14pm GMT

Back in the studio, homoerotic comedy duo Terry Venables and Jimmy Hill shake hands before saying a word. Let’s give it two minutes before they disagree over something. They make for great TV. Alongside them, Bryan Robson exudes the impo­tent frustration of a man looking in on his own party. Hill says he is ‘frightened out of my life’. He’s not the only one.

1.03pm GMT

Build-up: The BBC – don’t say you’re watching it on ITV, you’ll have missed Pavarotti for a start – begin their coverage with an obvious but neat montage contrasting the classes of 1966 and 1990. The highlight is Bobby Robson shaking his head back and forth in utter confusion, like a man contemplating the promise of a night of unbridled lust with Cindy Crawford, as he considers the possibility of winning the World Cup: ‘Well . . . I’ve been in the game now 40 years . . . it would be lovely to . . . To win the . . . the biggest prize the game had to offer, the world championship.’ What a lovely man he is.

12.58pm GMT

Bobby Robson said that ‘4–4–2 saved us’ against Cameroon on Sunday but while that formation will always be his beloved wife, he was always likely to return to his sexy foreign bit on the side against such formidable opposition. That means the extra defensive cover of a sweeper system and just one change from the side that started against Cameroon: Peter Beardsley for the injured John Barnes. Des Walker and Mark Wright have been passed fit, although Wright has six stitches above his left eye. England’s five substitutes include Trevor Steven, so impres­sive when he came on against Cameroon, and Steve Bull of the Second Division.

West Germany bring in two impish schemers, Thomas Hässler and Olaf Thon, for Pierre Littbarski and Uwe Bein. Rudi Völler also returns, having served his one-match suspension for being used as a hankie by Frank Rijkaard; Karl-Heinz Riedle drops to the bench.

2.57pm GMT

Are you sitting uncomfortably? Then we’ll begin. This is England’s biggest match for 24 years, since the day some people were on the pitch thinking it was all over. You might want to lie down as you contemplate this, but when England step on to the field to face West Germany tonight, they will be 90 minutes away from a World Cup final.

In real terms, they are arguably already in one. ‘If we can win tonight, we’re in the final, with a great chance of beating Argentina,’ says Bobby Robson. ‘Great chance. This is the big one. Germany’s the big one.’ Although Diego Maradona’s side played well to lubricate Italian eyes last night, they have otherwise been poor in this tournament and will be without four suspended players for the final, including the superb but very stupid basketball star Claudio Caniggia.

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