Molly Fletcher's Blog, page 26

How Jay Leno Uses Humor to Connect as a Keynote Speaker

A couple of days before Jay Leno re-appeared as a guest on The Tonight Show where he had been a host for 19 years, I studied him and his comic timing in a keynote speech to a convention in Las Vegas.

We were there for the PLUS 2014 convention, billed as three days of networking, learning and fun for the members of the Professional Liability Underwriting Society. Technically, I was his opening act at Caesar’s Palace Hotel & Casino. I spoke about unleashing your potential, and then Leno demonstrated the power of unleashing humor to connect with a keynote audience.

I’m not going to rehash his jokes, but tell you what I learned from his delivery and mannerisms as a keynote speaker.

Lesson 1: Familiar humor appeals to a keynote speaker’s audience.

Leno was dressed conservatively much like his audience, with a dark blue suit, white shirt and light blue tie. This was the kind of look that people expect from the man who took over from Johnny Carson.

Dapper and classy, he fit their expectations by his appearance and his immediate connection. Within seconds of walking out on stage and starting, the crowd was laughing. Leno had been part of our pop culture scene for years, and after this night he would be part of each audience member’s history.

Lesson 2: Novel humor keeps a keynote speaker’s audience engaged.

Leno remained on stage for more than an hour, telling at least 50 jokes without a TelePrompTer. It was stunning to watch him, knowing that all the words and timing were committed to impeccable memory and there was still mental room for ad-libbing.

He ensured that the audience never went more than two minutes without laughing. Even more impressive was that he connected unrelated topics which gave his presentation a real freshness, as if no one there had even thought of combining them this way before.

The jokes were also funny more than once. He built them on one another in such a creative way that you couldn’t see the second punch line coming. He would connect jokes back to previous jokes, so listening was rewarded more than once. The overall effect was surprising and engaging.

Lesson 3: Authentic humor makes a keynote audience respond.

Anyone watching from my vantage point would have seen someone who is exactly where he needs to be. He loves to make people laugh. As Leno told jokes, his energy rose. A glass of water near him never got a sip. Never more than a second of silence seemed to separate the bits of humor. I could see why his reputation as the king of standup comedy was so legendary.

Leno’s personal stories of his parents and youth reinforced his authenticity. Poking good-natured fun at them was a great way to bridge to his audience. That’s hard to do when you’re that big a celebrity.

The takeaway

Jay Leno is a great comedian, but that’s not why I’m a fan. In Las Vegas, I saw his brilliance and sincerity. His preparation, professionalism and focus blew me away. People know him for his humor, but they don’t realize why that humor sticks: it’s because he connects as a regular guy who really loves what he does. Our country has a history of listening best to people who make us laugh, which is one reason to catch Jay Leno: The Kennedy Center Mark Twain Prize on Nov. 23 on PBS stations nationwide.

Watching Leno reminded me of this important truth: A keynote speaker who effectively uses humor is first of all very comfortable with himself or herself, and uses jokes to make a lasting connection.

Molly Fletcher is a popular keynote speaker and author who speaks to Fortune 500 companies across diverse industries. She helps inspire and equip game changers to lead well and with purpose. Her recent book, “ A Winner’s Guide to Negotiating: How Conversation Gets Deals Done ” (McGraw-Hill, 2014), draws on her decades as a sports agent and negotiator on behalf of pro athletes, coaches and broadcasters. Contact Molly here.

Has Your Passion Turned Into a Grind? Reignite With 3 Key Motivational Tips

I met her on the tennis court last month, and I almost couldn’t believe her back-story.

She is a local coach, probably in her early 30s, and one of her players was matched against my daughter. As the two 10-year-old girls played, this coach opened up about how her best days in tennis were gone way too soon.

If your work has turned from passion to drudgery, her story might just sound familiar—and there are ways to reignite your flame.

Fast Start, Unfulfilled Potential

Before the match, I could tell as she warmed up her player that she still had a good game. And with a durag on her head, some swagger too. Her pre-match warm-up was full of crushing shots, with her added advantage of playing left-handed.

Our conversation started with her saying that she had just begun working at the tennis club that was hosting the match.

“Where did you play?” I asked, thinking she had competed in college, much like I had at Michigan State.

Hardly. She had grown up competing with Serena and Venus Williams, and turned pro at age 13 (that’s not a typo). She thought of herself as her “dad’s ticket” (her description) and her stint on the pro tour lasted a dozen years and took her all over the world.

She made it to late rounds in the U.S. Open and other majors. Her best ranking, however, was top 70.

As I listened, my daughter trailed 6-1, 3-0. There was definitely a feeling of imbalance on the court and in the coach’s story.

“I never really believed I could compete out there (on the women’s pro tour) at the highest level,” she confided.

“Why?” I asked.

“I never really knew why I didn’t believe I couldn’t,” she replied. “I just never did.”

“Did you love the game?”

“No,” she said. “It was a job from 13 years old on.”

Motivational Tips that Change the Story

This coach was like other successful professionals I meet occasionally, who tell me that their careers are missing something.

In her case, the obvious lack was her own deeply rooted passion. She didn’t know her why. Playing for her dad, we can see in hindsight, only took her so far. As she matured in years, she needed to own that passion and believe in her abilities far more than her dad did or could. With passion that was truly hers, I believe she would have boosted her preparation and performance.

It’s not easy to cut the cord from a parent, boss or mentor who has given you so much. They have invested in you their knowledge, guidance and maybe even their dreams and expectations. Ultimately, your career and your path does not belong to them, and I argue that you must get clear on your career and personal goals apart from important relationships. Those relationships should support your goals, not control them.

Another important part of passion is a sense of play. Tennis is a fantastic sport, and I know that this coach had to have experienced a joy in the game at some point. The sheer fun of learning to master a difficult challenge is what opens us up to the possibility of pursuing a related career (like love of tennis leads to tennis coaching). Why do adults routinely shed this joy in their work life? Why do we accept drudgery?

Next to the court that day, I couldn’t help but notice this contrast between kids and adults. My daughters are comparatively new at tournament tennis, and are in that stage where they are starting to really enjoy the sport and notice how good some of their peers already are (I see their heads swivel). I know it was hard for both of them to lose to much more seasoned players.

My goal is to feed their interest in tennis and see if a flame lights, that their own interest in tennis can grow and flourish no matter what the score. Hopefully they can make the joy of the game truly their own, and not play just because I do. This is what I hope for them in all parts of their lives: that they never lose the sense of joy and fun doing what they love, that their own unique passions never become a grind.

The takeaway

If you’re not feeling the passion you once did about your work and personal pursuits, remember these motivational tips:

Passion plus belief are part of the soul of success. You need both.
Assess and manage key relationships that may be hindering your full potential. Whose expectations are more important? YOURS.
Do what you love and love what you do. If you’re not feeling that where you are now, get busy assessing your relationships and mapping out steps to recover your passion. If you choose to stay less than fulfilled where you are, you are like a fish swimming upstream.

Molly Fletcher helps inspire and equip game changers to lead well and with purpose. Her recent book, “ A Winner’s Guide to Negotiating: How Conversation Gets Deals Done ” (McGraw-Hill, 2014), draws on her decades as a sports agent and negotiator on behalf of pro athletes, coaches and broadcasters. Contact Molly here.

My 5 Favorite Personal Development Books

When a personal goal is at stake, time is precious. Tons of personal development books compete for our time and attention—so which ones are worth it?

Here are my top 5 favorite personal development books in alphabetical order.

1. Blink by Malcolm Gladwell: This books help tap the power of “thinking without thinking” and drills down into how intuition and first impressions give us deep understanding. Gladwell, who also wrote Outliers and The Tipping Point, has a way of looking at the world that challenges readers to see the conventional wisdom that may be holding us back without conscious thought. He has a gift of mining the latest data for the most universal connection.

2. Eat Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert: How would you reboot your life if you could? It’s one thing to say you’re going to follow your passion; this author had the courage to jump on a plan and find out. The book title and sections align with the parts of her life that she wanted to integrate. She stays open and honest about the journey, and her vulnerability and capacity for risk keep it real.

3. The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz: — At only 160 pages, this is like the tiny box under the Christmas tree that holds a life-changing gift. Anyone who adopts these four principles (be impeccable with your word; don’t take anything personally; don’t make assumptions; always do your best) is on the way to breaking down their self-imposed limits. Another book where the power is in a simple message.

4. Man’s Search for Meaning by Victor Frankl: This is all about purpose, and how that can drive us to survive and thrive even in the worst situations. Frankl, a psychiatrist, conducted his research in the concentration camps of Nazi Germany. From that darkness, he shines a light on the indomitable human spirit and why it’s so critical to know your why.

5. The Power of Full Engagement by Jim Loehr and Tony Schwartz: The authors take the pulse of the modern office culture to determine that the way we work is broken. More multitasking is counterproductive; we develop far more swiftly and with greater abilities if we think about managing our energy more than our time. Full engagement is the integration of the physical, emotional, mental and spiritual.

The takeaway

The ideas and advice that we absorb from reading take time to process. The best personal development books offer great insight and the concrete instruction to create your own blueprint for getting the most out of your talent and time. I’d love to know what has helped you keep pushing and realizing your personal goals, so send me your favorite titles, too. Here’s to some very productive reading!

Molly Fletcher helps inspire and equip game changers with the negotiation tactics for leading well and with purpose. Her recent book, “A Winner’s Guide to Negotiating: How Conversation Gets Deals Done” (McGraw-Hill, 2014), draws on her decades as a sports agent and negotiator on behalf of pro athletes, coaches and broadcasters. Follow Molly on Twitter @MollyFletcher.

How Microsoft’s CEO Sparked a Much-Needed Dialogue on Women Negotiating

AP Photo/Eric Risberg, File

Two weeks ago, I stood in front of an audience of women in California and spoke to them on the importance of negotiation. I opened with why this was a dialogue that we—a room full of executive women—needed to have and couldn’t afford to shy away from. If we want more women in leadership positions, I challenged them, we must be willing to have open, honest dialogue about negotiation in order to shift the expectations and norms within our workforce.

That same day, Microsoft CEO Satya Nadella also spoke to a room full of women as the first male keynote speaker at the Grace Hopper Celebration of Women in Computing. Asked by an audience member for similar advice, Nadella advised women not to ask for a raise, but trust “faith” and “karma” to reward them.

Like most people, I cringed when I read his comments as they reinforced a sometimes unvoiced but deeply pervasive viewpoint that women shouldn’t ask for what they believe they deserve. After all, we have karma for that, and a system that pays women about 20 percent less than their male counterparts.

While Nadella has since apologized and promised to take action, the dialogue sparked by his comments continues. It is unfortunate in today’s world where women’s education levels and career achievements are higher than ever that it took such tone-deaf comments to remind us of the importance of this conversation, but I am glad the dialogue is taking place.

One of my main motivations for writing my most recent book, A Winner’s Guide to Negotiating: How Conversation Gets Deals Done, was to inspire women to be able to ask with confidence. Hearing Nadella’s comments was a further reminder of how far we have come but also how much further we have to go.

We know the facts. Women are less likely to negotiate than their male counterparts and feel more anxiety about negotiating. Women risk how they are both perceived and treated when they do ask for a pay raise, a social cost of negotiating that is statistically significant for women but not for men. We know the gender pay gap means women earn 77% of what their male counterparts do, and that women are underrepresented in leadership positions.

The issues are clear; the solutions more complex. In order to create meaningful change, it will take not just personal responsibility but a deep examination of our workforce policies. This conversation after all, isn’t just a women’s issue. By having widespread dialogue about these issues, we can broaden perspectives and inspire the action and accountability needed to create change.

This dialogue—having transparent conversations that challenge our underlying assumptions and involve both men and women– is at least a starting place.

Molly Fletcher is the author of A Winner’s Guide to Negotiating: How Conversation Gets Deals Done (McGraw-Hill, 2014) . In it, she draws on her decades as a sports agent and negotiator on behalf of pro athletes, coaches and broadcasters. Follow her on Twitter @MollyFletcher.

Motivational Messages from the World Series: Anticipate the Moments

When the first pitch this week begins the World Series between the San Francisco Giants and Kansas City Royals, it won’t matter to me which team wins. I’ll be looking for how it happens.

In baseball, just like in business, big wins turn on single moments. Fans remember the ball that went under Bill Buckner’s legs in 1986 when the Red Sox lost to the Mets. Last year, the Red Sox beat the St. Louis Cardinals because of the amazing play of David “Big Papi” Ortiz, who got on base 19 times in his 25 attempts. In the moments that he and his bat stepped into the spotlight, the momentum—the movement sparked by that moment—sped up for the Red Sox.

Big Papi is a great example of the kind of appetite that winners have for pressure situations. Just as he had when his team won in 2004 and 2007, he relished these chances to lead and shine. That set him apart from the players who understandably may be jittery or even questioning themselves, and positioned himself to step up as the game changer. The guy who gets the team moving.

“It’s hard to see him in those moments and not think that there’s something different about him,” Red Sox general manager Ben Cherington told ESPN.com after his team won last year. “We’ve seen him locked in before, but to do it on this stage and do it in so many big moments, I can’t add anything more to the legend that’s already there.”

Setting yourself apart is about delivering in these moments. Preparation starts by understanding that we can’t predict when these moments will happen. That’s why we need motivational messages—another element that Big Papi grasped. His team was behind after three games and didn’t look great in the fourth, so he pulled them together in the dugout.

“Ortiz said he merely told the guys to relax, stay loose and appreciate the moment,” ESPN.com reported. “His teammates told a different story after Boston rallied to win.

“‘It was like 24 kindergartners looking up at their teacher. He got everyone’s attention and we looked him right in the eyes,’ said Jonny Gomes, who answered with a winning home run. ‘That message was pretty powerful.’”

Breaking Down Big Papi’s Motivational Messages

Big Papi demonstrates the following about how critical moments shape our larger outcome.

Big baseball moments don’t always play out on the field, in the open. Sometimes they are more private and quiet, behind the scenes.
If you don’t have diverse communication tools and platforms, start developing them. Big Papi knew how to deliver with his bat, his reputation and his words.
Momentum comes from repetition over time. Big Papi’s stamina stretched from World Series victories in 2004 to 2007 to 2013. So did his patience. He understood that we’ve all got one shot at this moment, then it’s history.

The takeaway (aka my motivational messages)

Success isn’t a lottery. It comes from awareness that opportunity unfolds one moment at a time. Momentum is created by the tipping point of critical moments. What’s your World Series? I challenge you during this month and season to dig and give as much as you can. Pay attention and refuse to discount the small chances to reach out and make a difference. Let me know how investing in moments changes your momentum for the good.

Molly Fletcher helps inspire and equip game changers with the negotiation tactics for leading well and with purpose. Her recent book, “A Winner’s Guide to Negotiating: How Conversation Gets Deals Done” (McGraw-Hill, 2014), draws on her decades as a sports agent and negotiator on behalf of pro athletes, coaches and broadcasters. Contact Molly here.

Flying the Chaotic Skies: The Power of Pause During My Cross-Country Travel Nightmare

I didn’t expect my recent trip from Charleston, S.C. to Colorado Springs to be easy. When it turned into chaos, I didn’t expect to learn a powerful lesson in perspective.

On Monday I had wrapped up a speech to the Crawford & Company leadership team in Charleston, and when my flight into Atlanta landed on time, I felt great about making the rest of my connections. I was booked the next morning as convention keynote speaker to Taco Bell franchisees in Colorado Springs.

From Atlanta, everything seemed great on the flight to Denver. Then the pilot came on.

Bad weather was ahead. The plane would divert to Pueblo, Colorado.

As I scrambled to check how far the drive would be from Pueblo to my destination, the pilot updated us: we were diverting instead to Wichita.

We sat on the tarmac in Wichita for two hours waiting for the go-ahead to Denver, a 90-minute flight on a normal day. Back in the air, everything went smoothly for an hour until the pilot breaks more news. We will land in Albuquerque, only about 100 miles closer to Denver than Wichita.

It’s midnight when we touch down in New Mexico, and I’m not the only frazzled passenger. All of us are frustrated, and I can see and feel it as we deplane and try to get oriented.

My goal is to find a hotel, sleep for a few hours and get on a 6 a.m. flight to Denver, which will give me just enough time to drive the 70 miles to Colorado Springs and give my speech.

The reservation counter is in turmoil. All around me, people are tired, hungry and try to figure out their next move. Blaming the pilots. Blaming the weather. They had important places to be and important things to be doing. Nothing else mattered except their needs and fixing their personal crises. I was just as absorbed in my own situation. We were caught in “the busy trap.”

After finally getting my lodging and transportation sorted out, I waited on a ride to the hotel. That’s when I overheard a fellow passenger point out something surely no one else had noticed.

A young girl, about age 16, had been on our flight. Unlike most of the rest of us, she hadn’t dealt with anything like this before. Perhaps she had never even flown before. She was scared and faced spending the night alone in an unfamiliar city.

The one person who had noticed was the pilot—the same person who so many passengers had criticized. He wanted to be in Albuquerque as much as the rest of us. He stayed with the scared girl, made sure she had a place to stay, a new flight booked, and someone safe to accompany her to her hotel.

Unlike the rest of us, the pilot had been on the job the whole day, responsible for our safety, powerless against the forces of weather and air traffic control. Other airline personnel could have possibly helped the scared girl. But he stepped up. He wasn’t consumed by his own issues.

Yes, I made it to Colorado Springs, but that’s not where this story ends. Of everything that I could remember from this nightmare travel day, what stuck with me last week—and will for a long time—is the perspective gained.

No question that chaos is going to hit us. We can look inward and stress, and get super-focused on our issues.

Or we can pause. Breathe. Observe.

There may be someone who needs help even more than you do. You might see someone leading by example. Could you step up and be that someone?

The takeaway

Embracing the Pause is important in daily life. Without it, your perspective is limited to what you learn on the move. Pause to observe and consider what others in your world are experiencing. Slowing down is a way to build the empathy that is key to relationships and the collaboration necessary for a solution that helps each of us get where we need to go.

Molly Fletcher helps inspire and equip game changers with the negotiation tactics for leading well and with purpose. Her recent book, “A Winner’s Guide to Negotiating: How Conversation Gets Deals Done” (McGraw-Hill), draws on her decades as a sports agent and negotiator on behalf of pro athletes, coaches and broadcasters. Contact Molly here.

All Motivational Talks Should Include This One Element

Great motivational talks are often delivered to a big audience, touching each individual as if the speaker was only talking to him or her.

How is this accomplished?

I believe that all of us have an inner drive, and for any message to connect, there must be clarity. Clarity is only achieved when both the speaker and listener share the common bond of “Know your why.”

Matthew McConaughey

The Oscar winner recently returned to his alma mater to give a motivational talk to the Texas Longhorns football team. In his brief comments, he shared the importance of asking himself his own why, and challenging the team to do the same.

His why is to work on the most forward edge of his potential as an actor, to a place where his mind did not even imagine his abilities taking him.

“I found that when I’ve done my best work as an a actor, it was only when I pushed myself to be better than I even thought I could do, and I’ve got a pretty high idea of how good I can be, I’m pretty self-confident with how good I can be. I still don’t think I’ve done do my best work until I push myself even further than I think I can be.”

His motivational talk to the Longhorns probed their motivation, and asked them to go deeper—to their individual motivation.

“Ask yourself why you are playing the game,” he urged. “In there, you’re gonna find the answer of why you play it whether you win or lose. Some of you may play because you love football, some of you may play for your grandmother, some of you may play for your older brother or your dad, some of you may play for the coaches, some of you may play for the university. At the end of the day, every single one of you really only has gotta be playing for one person. And I tell you what it does give you, it gets a whole lot more fun.”

Robert Griffin III

This powerful example is one I have covered in more depth. Rookie quarterback Robert Griffin III—or RG3, as the young superstar is known—faced the media two years ago at the Washington Redskins training camp. A local reporter noticed a simple statement posted on his locker: “KNOW YOUR WHY.”

“What’s that about?” he asked Griffin.

Griffin explained that each team member has to know his why and the why of the guys around him. If you have a why, he said, you are more willing to sacrifice for those around you because you know their purpose.

If you clarify the why, as Griffin and McConaughey know, you are tapping a collective force, not just an individual one. A why that involves a team’s specific, measurable goal is the glue that pushes all of them forward to achieve it.

Any Great Negotiator

One of the main drivers of any negotiation is the why. This goes to the heart of your motivation: your fear or desire surrounding a deal. While it seems simple, how many of us asked it of ourselves and can articulate the answer? In terms of negotiating, why are you doing this deal?

If you aren’t clear on the “why,” any negotiation will be slow and painful. This is a way of circling back to, and hopefully affirming, the information that you gathered in the first stages of negotiation, when you Set the Stage and Found Common Ground. Do you know your own why? The why of the other side?

Clarity helps us to connect with others and ultimately get the deal done or leave with the relationship intact. Clarity in negotiation and beyond guides what we say “yes” to and “no” to. It allows us to be intentional about where we spend our time and our energy when it comes to relationships, responsibilities, and negotiations.

Sometimes we have a tendency to drain our energy by investing in the wrong things and wrong people. Reaffirming the why at any stage of negotiation can help identify if that bad investment is happening. Clarity makes it easier to act with intention.

The takeaway

Knowing your why is important for success and also for an effective motivational talk. Your why grounds your identity and ownership of a goal. As McConaughey told his favorite football team, “When you do well, you feel it, you can look in the mirror and you go, ‘That’s right, I did that, I earned that.’” Knowing your why clarifies the “I.”

Molly Fletcher’s why is summed up in three words: “Inspire Game Changers.” She explores the power of knowing your why in her new book, “A Winner’s Guide to Negotiating: How Conversation Gets Deals Done” (McGraw-Hill), which draws on her decades as a sports agent and negotiator on behalf of pro athletes, coaches and broadcasters. Contact Molly here.

This Week’s Negotiation Tips: Three Mistakes to Avoid

It’s been eye-opening to get lots of questions lately about negotiating, questions from media and readers as my new book has launched on that topic. The most common questions tell me that, on a regular basis, some basic elements of negotiating are ignored or never learned.

These fundamentals are so important to a successful negotiation that I want to review them in this blog.

Let’s take a look at these three common mistakes.

Negotiation Mistake #1: Lack of Full (360-Degrees) Awareness

Basically this is a failure to ask enough questions, and the right questions. You have to build a strong baseline of knowledge early in the negotiation (or even before) or you will not be positioned to make your most optimal move. You have to continue to be 360-Degrees Aware throughout the deal, expecting everything to be fluid and confident in your ability to know as much as possible about the factors that matter most.

What are important questions to nail down? Attaining 360-Degrees Awareness starts by knowing the goals, needs, gaps, values and fears of the other side, so your actions can parallel where they are or will be as the negotiation unfolds. Solid questions will help you understand the other side’s inner baseline, what the values (beyond money or status) that will provide an engine for reaching a mutually beneficial deal.

Being 360-Degrees Aware poises you for future deals with the other side, because you are not just about gaining information. You are relationship building.

Negotiation Mistake #2: Forgetting to Pause

“Doing nothing” after making a confident ask is, in reality, doing everything to help you negotiate.

Pauses are uncomfortable, especially in negotiations. We want a response right away. We read into the silence all of our doubts and anxieties. Often we forget to pause because we are afraid of the ambiguity.

Your negotiation results will be far greater when you Embrace the Pause, as detailed in my book. The moment of quiet between the ask and the answer is your chance to think and reflect, for you to send the message that you are very comfortable with your position.

Negotiation Mistake #3: Not Knowing When to Leave

One of the most difficult aspects of negotiation is knowing when to stay at the table and when to walk away. You might walk away to pursue an alternative or backup plan that is a better solution than the offer on the table. You might walk because the other party is unable to fulfill your interests. Or they might be exhibiting questionable behaviors.

Many negotiators ignore that walking away is even possible.

Negotiation is rooted in understanding what you are willing to give up and what you aren’t. You always want to consider the breadth of possibilities and then narrow that menu to which ones are acceptable to you. Leaving should always be on that menu.

A successful negotiation will end with a result that is better than your best alternative; if you are willing to settle for less than that, that’s what you most likely will get. If you are aiming for the best yes, there are signs to look for and tools you can use at this point in the negotiation to determine when and how to extricate yourself.

The Takeaway

If good negotiators learn from failure, they can become great negotiators. Sometimes overconfidence can lead to skipping an important step in a negotiation. Stay grounded in your own game plan by staying fully aware (part of Setting the Stage), Embracing the Pause and Knowing When to Leave. These negotiation tips are my best response to the most common questions coming my way since the publication of my book. I hope they help you!

Molly Fletcher helps inspire and equip game changers with the negotiation tactics for leading well and with purpose. Her new book, “A Winner’s Guide to Negotiating: How Conversation Gets Deals Done” (McGraw-Hill), draws on her decades as a sports agent and negotiator on behalf of pro athletes, coaches and broadcasters. Contact Molly here.

What Happens When Women Don’t Negotiate… And How Inspirational Women Lean In

The gender gap in negotiating is well documented. When women don’t negotiate, they lose wages, raises, promotions, and more. The reasons are numerous, including a fear of socially difficult situations. Not negotiating can be part of the “tiara syndrome,” where women work like maniacs hoping that someone will notice and crown them with accolades.

What I see when women don’t negotiate is a missed opportunity. Not just for a promotion or raise or securing a new client. A chance to inspire.

We can only inspire others when we take the risk to go beyond what we expect of ourselves and often what they expect of us. The chance of failure is what keeps our audience enthralled. They want to see the answer to a burning question: will she make it?

Negotiating gives you a tool to ask for what you need, not simply wait for others to give it to you, and this is important not just for yourself but people who have a stake in your success.

Here’s what I see as the most inspiring gains when women (and men) negotiate:

Sharper competitive edge. Negotiators are competitors at heart, and a person’s skill at negotiating goes beyond nuts and bolts knowledge of the deal itself. If you’re reading this blog, you are most likely looking to hone that edge. A good example of this is the career of Michele Roberts, the first women negotiating on behalf of a professional athletes union. Backed up by an outstanding record as a litigator, she aligned her story and abilities with that of the men she represents.
Diversified skill set. The more successful you are in industries that involve high level negotiations, the fewer women you see (actually, the fewer people you see). Negotiation requires more than risk; it involves fearlessness. In a volatile era where businesses are rapidly changing and we all face the need to quickly adapt and acquire new skills, the ability to negotiate without sacrificing relationships will set you apart. It could be the difference in getting hired.
Greater community. A great way for women to become comfortable with negotiating is by framing your ask around the benefit of others. Research shows that women exceed men in negotiating on behalf of others. Harnessing your heart and mental savvy makes for the best ask no matter what your gender is, and the result is a benefit for you and those who benefit from you taking the risk to negotiate. Recognize that what you do as a negotiator causes a ripple effect in the lives of others.

Key takeaways for inspirational women

The willingness to dig down deep within ourselves to meet a giant challenge—to “lean in,” as Sheryl Sandberg has coined it— is the essence of inspiration. Women have been less likely than men to accept a role in negotiations, and this is a chance for these women to make a big difference by speaking out. Don’t wait for others to speak up for you. Claim a place at the negotiating table and be willing to fail. This is a skill that is more necessary than ever in a fast-pace, globalizing business landscape where work requirements change on a dime. By carrying around the expectation of negotiations, you will begin to see more opportunities for practice to stand up for yourself in work and for yourself. Take the risk to negotiate and inspire others.

Molly Fletcher helps inspire and equip game changers with the negotiation tactics for leading well and with purpose. Her new book, “A Winner’s Guide to Negotiating: How Conversation Gets Deals Done” (McGraw-Hill), draws on her decades as a sports agent and negotiator on behalf of pro athletes, coaches and broadcasters. Contact Molly here.

My 5 Favorite Inspirational Speeches from TED

Inspirational speeches are grounded in authenticity. Plenty of people can give a speech with authority, but when you add genuine passion, then you have the makings for a truly inspirational speech.

TED Talks are a great source of inspiration for people everywhere. Some of these videos have been seen by tens of millions of people.

Here are five that resonate with me (in alphabetical order by speaker’s last name, because I couldn’t choose which one I liked best—they are all so solid).

1. Brené Brown: Inspirational Vulnerability

A research professor, Brown doesn’t just study vulnerability; she demonstrates it. Her topic—“The power of vulnerability”—could have simply focused on her research, which is fascinating and educational. We can’t build strong relationships without openness, which is something most of us fear. She studied people with high self-worth and discovered that “as a result of authenticity, they were willing to let go of who they thought they should be in order to be who they were, which you have to absolutely do that for connection.”

Her brilliance is that she dug even deeper, and showed how her research inspired her own journey to understand herself. Her first person account and clear message inspires listeners to expand their capacity for vulnerability.

This talk (and others by her, on topics such as empathy) is why storytelling matters in inspirational speeches. And humor! She will make you laugh, and tying a message to a strong emotion is the goal of a great speaker. Through her own authenticity, she achieves what she sets out to do: hack what makes us tick, and lay out the code.

2. Amy Cuddy: Inspirational Postures

A social psychologist at Harvard Business School, Cuddy’s expertise wouldn’t be half as powerful on paper. On video, her topic—“Your body language shapes who you are”—is demonstrated as well as explained. There’s no substitute for showing instead of telling, especially if you want your message to stick. Your audience is far more likely to take away an image than what is said.

The data behind body language fascinates me because I have seen first hand how important an open posture is to negotiations and relationship building, especially for sales teams and other corporate groups. Women are an important audience for this knowledge because we are too often expected to diminish ourselves and our abilities, and the way we carry ourselves sends signals that are more powerful than what we say.

No one wants to be powerless or intimidated; this talk shows you how to project confidence even when you may not feel it. Practical advice backed up by real data always inspires me.

3. Sasha Dichter: Inspirational Practice

Does doing something smart always mean it’s right? That’s the provocative question in this talk by the director of business development at Acumen Fund, a nonprofit venture capital for enterprises serving the poor. His topic—“The Generosity Experiment”—is about a month of saying “yes” and becoming the open, action-minded person he thought he already was.

Perhaps we can do what is smart and right as we share our resources. This video helped inspire me to share profits from my new book. Until Sept. 27, 100 percent of net royalties will benefit the Boys & Girls Clubs of America. A generous gift from Timothy “Timbaland” Mosley, Monique Mosley and their Always Believing Foundation will match each dollar up to $1 million. It’s part of Great Futures: The Campaign for America’s Kids.

I didn’t think it was possible for me to be more excited about my book launch, but the tie-in to giving makes me thrilled that this project isn’t just about commerce, but about values too. Thanks for the inspiration, Sasha!

4. John O’Sullivan: Inspirational Change

An author, speaker and coach, O’Sullivan wanted to know why 70 percent of America’s 40 million young athletes quit before age 13. His topic—“Changing the game in youth sports”—breaks down the stress and pressure heaped on our kids through hypercompetitive, parent-driven leagues. They are dropping out because of criticism, fear of mistakes, the win-at-all-cost mentality, and reduced playing time. He calls this, “The Race to Nowhere.”

So what’s the solution? O’Sullivan rejects participatory awards, the “everyone gets a trophy” mentality, and offers a new, simple way of bringing the fun back to sports for our children. This method is built on the understanding that the positive, high performing mindset is more important than talent; encouraging your child to set goals and take ownership of their performance; letting them fail and learn from it.

His idea worth spreading is five words long: “I love watching you play.” The more that parents can say and demonstrate this attitude, the more they will promote a balanced mentality toward competition, and a more balanced child. Inspiration wrapped in five words? That’ll stick.

5. Simon Sinek: Inspirational leadership

A management theorist, Sinek probed how extraordinary leaders become that way. How do they build trust and cooperation? His topic—“Why good leaders make you feel safe”—reveals how safety of humans must always be more important than revenue. When safety and trust are established, people respond with trust, cooperation and extra effort.

“We call them leaders because they will choose to sacrifice so that their people may be safe and protected and so their people may gain, and when we do, the natural response is that our people will sacrifice for us,” he says. “They will give us their blood and sweat and tears to see that their leader’s vision comes to life, and when we ask them, ‘Why would you do that? Why would you give your blood and sweat and tears for that person?’ they all say the same thing: ‘Because they would have done it for me.’ And isn’t that the organization we would all like to work in?”

Sinek’s talk is barely 10 minutes long, but he demonstrates that a powerful thought can be concise and effective. I love that he leaves the audience with a question that can be a decision making tool: as a leader, are you choosing people or profits?

What’s your favorite TED Talk?  Leave a comment with a link to your most inspirational speech

Molly Fletcher spoke on “Unleashing Your Potential” in this TedXEmory Talk. Her new book, “A Winner’s Guide to Negotiating: How Conversation Gets Deals Done” (McGraw-Hill), draws on her decades as a sports agent and negotiator on behalf of pro athletes, coaches and broadcasters. Contact Molly here.