Lee Ellis's Blog, page 252
January 4, 2017
Two Steps to Avoiding Power Struggles in 2017
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by Lee Ellis
I’ve been thinking about this blog on power struggles for a month or so with the plan to publish it in January. How ironic that I got to experience one first hand during the Christmas Holidays. The good news is that I’ve been doing really well in avoiding them for several years and thought I’d mastered this interaction that some of my friends like to call “a dance of fear and pride.” But this one hit me in my soft spot and I failed to restrain myself. I’m sorry to say that in the heat of the moment, I did not follow my own advice.
The Spiral of a Power Scenario
Of all times, it happened near the end of a very meaningful holiday visit with family. Perhaps you have realized it’s when relatives gather that we are the most vulnerable—some of those power struggles can lay dormant for years, just waiting for the right time to spring up in full force. And that’s what happened to me—after all, I knew I was right and just had to share the “facts” to prove it.
Of course my “facts” were only misguided opinions to the other person, and his were the same for me. Our discussions swirled like a cat chasing its tail and with each circuit, the crescendo of emotional debate just got stronger and louder. I knew what was happening and I could see Mary’s discomfort, but I just had to set him straight. Eventually we saw that neither was gaining ground and it was with the best interest of family and friendship that we agreed that underneath it all we both valued the same things; we just had different perspectives on how to get there.
The Power Struggle Defined
Power struggles are not limited to families. They are often at the core of my leadership coaching assignments. In fact, some of the most negative transactions that we can get caught in are power struggles. To an outside observer they can be very obvious, but when you are in one, you are blinded by the emotions—usually relating to a threatened ego.
“On the surface power struggles are all about being right. Underneath, they are touching emotional sore points that produce strong reactions.” [Tweet This]
I mentioned the cat chasing its tail and if you look at the diagram below, you can see how emotions and behaviors can quickly spiral out of control.
What is not seen is the circular motion cycling like a closed loop of one person’s behavior arousing the other person’s feelings (negative emotions), causing an ever escalating of emotions and behaviors as shown in the example below.
What’s the solution?
How do you avoid power struggles and how do you break them?
Recognize what is happening. Most likely you “know you are right” and believe very strongly that the other person is wrong. Check your attitude and energy. What are you thinking and feeling? Can you see that though the other person may be thinking differently, they are likely feeling similar to you? Recognize this is not a winnable battle and in fact the only way to win is to admit you have some responsibility for what is happening.
Humble yourself and take ownership for your part. As difficult as it may seem, this is the only way to come out of this battle ahead. When you admit that you are not perfect and that you have made some mistakes—which clearly you have—then the struggle is broken. But don’t be sparing and protective of yourself. Take ownership for everything you can think of that could possibly be your shortcoming or transgression.
Changing Up the Power Game
[image error]This is where an illustration from judo can be very helpful. If two people are pushing against each other as hard as they can—as in a power struggle—and one relaxes and steps back, the other person has to do something different or they will fall on their face. When you give it up and take ownership for being “wrong”, the other person cannot disagree with you. Well, actually they can and often do. Once you own your part, you free the other person to own their part and often they will actually disagree with you that it was entirely your fault. Now that’s real judo.
What makes this so hard is that it requires humility, and that’s so difficult. On the surface it may seem like you are going to be the loser, but in reality you were already losing the battle. Taking ownership for your part is the only way that you can come out a winner and in the process you allow the other person to win as well. The Arbinger Institute has done a lot of work in this area and this quote sums up what we have been saying here.
“…no conflict can be solved so long as all parties are convinced they are right. Solution is possible only when at least one party begins to consider how he might be wrong.”** [Tweet This]
The Humble Conclusion
There is great strength in humility—enough to make you a winner in 2017. Do you have the courage and confidence needed to be humble? So what is your experience with power struggles?
LE
**Source: The Arbinger Institute, The Anatomy of Peace: Resolving the Heart of Conflict
Related Resources:
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January 3, 2017
19 Quick Thoughts on Communication
My friend, Rex Houze, offers some quick tips and quotes on better communication. It’s the New Year, and this is a great way to get your communication skills back in shape after the holidays. Commit to applying at least one of them everyday this month to become a permanent habit.
Please read his article and share your thoughts here – thank you
January 2, 2017
On This Day in Leadership History for January 2, 2017
On this day in leadership history in 1890, President Benjamin Harrison welcomes Alice Sanger as the first female White House staffer. Alice’s appointment may have been an olive branch to the growing women’s suffrage movement that had gathered momentum during Harrison’s presidency.
What’s the leadership lesson? Your work and life events may have a much larger impact than you ever realize—make a commitment to live and lead with honor!
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President Benjamin Harrison
January 1, 2017
Happy New Year – Here’s Our Hope for You
Happy New Year from the Leading with Honor Team –
“The New Year is all about getting another chance. A chance to do better, to do more, to give more. And stop worrying about ‘what if’ and start embracing what would be.”
December 31, 2016
FAQ from Lee Ellis on the Value of Creativity
“Creativity is currently perhaps one of the most admired skills. Do you believe that ‘being inventive’ is an ability that anybody can develop? Why?”
Lee’s Answer –
“Being inventive and creative is crucial to future success for individual and organizational success. In my last book, Leading with Honor: Leadership Lessons from the Hanoi Hilton, I talk about the need for creativity and innovation.
‘Necessity is the mother of invention,’ said Plato. We certainly found that to be true in the bare and deprived conditions of the POW camps. Innovation and creativity were essential for survival. Innovation also is essential for survival in business. In a ‘2010 Global CEO Study’ conducted by IBM, 60 percent of the 1,500+ CEOs interviewed said they believed creativity would be the most important attribute leaders must possess during the years ahead. The study found that most CEOs don’t believe their enterprises are adequately prepared for the twenty-first century business environment, which will be characterized by dynamically shifting global power centers, rapidly transforming industries, exponentially escalating amounts of information, more intrusive government regulation, and dramatically changing customer preferences.
The most successful leaders, the IBM study concludes, will highly value creativity and consistently pursue innovative ideas. They will readily welcome disruptive innovation, drop outdated approaches, take balanced risks, and be willing to totally reinvent themselves and their companies when necessary. With an understanding that this shift needs to happen, any leader can make the conscious decision to embrace creativity and innovation.
I believe we can all be creative in some way if we allow ourselves to think creatively. Still, some people have a natural talent for being creative with ideas—an out of the box type of creativity. They are the ones on the edge, ahead of the rest of us, pushing the limits. Find those people and manage them well and they can make you more successful—though they are not easily managed.”
December 30, 2016
Leading with Honor Wisdom for Today, December 30, 2016
“Listening must be reciprocal. We all need to listen, but unfortunately we still have a few leaders who are tone deaf.” – Lee Ellis
December 29, 2016
The Simple Message That Brought This Middle School Class to Tears
Great inspirational clip about the leadership, honor, and love of a mother. Everyday, mothers balance results and relationships. If you’re a mother or father figure to anyone today, watch and share the power of this role in someone’s life!
December 28, 2016
Coaching Clip – Watch “The Paradox of Leadership and New Mindsets”
Need a quick leadership tip for the new year? Watch as Lee Ellis shares the important leadership principle of adopting new mindsets and successfully leading in paradoxical settings.
New coaching clips are available each month – visit our website to sign up. And please share your thoughts on this topic, too!
Lee also mentions the Leadership Tilt Infographic – get your complimentary copy.
December 27, 2016
What is Your New Year’s Tradition? Please Share
Question: Do you have an annual tradition around the New Year’s holiday, personally or professionally?
Tell us about it! Please post your comments here…
December 26, 2016
Year-End Leadership Confrontation – What Do You Do? Two Points of Wisdom
It’s the last week of the year, and you have the uncomfortable leadership task of confronting someone about an issue. You can’t put it off any longer. Here are 2 quick points of wisdom from Lee – please share your wisdom too:
“I believe that you have to have a mindset that recognizes confrontation as being both the right thing and the kind thing to do—for either unacceptable performance or undesirable behavior. If you’ve followed the Courageous Accountability Model in my latest book shown below, you’ve done your part to help the person succeed as a leader. Remember these two important points:
Confront with Confidence and Humility. Once it’s clear that confrontation is needed, plan your steps and prepare yourself. Take time to think through the issues logically and emotionally. Logically, you get your facts in order so you can speak objectively. Emotionally, think how you would like to be treated in this situation if you were the other person.
Confront with a Positive Mindset. Above all, keep in mind that you can’t go wrong when you operate with a clear plan and a positive mindset of strength and caring.”
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The steps on the right side of this model give a clear leadership strategy for creating a culture of positive accountability.
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