Zoe E. Whitten's Blog, page 85

The politics of a strap-on…

In my continuing effort to sabotage my books sales,  I'd like to talk about the strap-on dildo I want to own, and about the hidden politics that prevent me from just going to a sex shop to own one right now. Yes, really.

To start, the dildo I want is not the flat-base toy held in place over my mound by a thong with a hole in it. I mean, I'll still need the thong, but I want the kind of strap-on with a little hooked bumpy nub that fits inside me and connects me more intimately to my fake cock. I really look forward to this, and I wonder if it will feel anything at all like my real hard-on did during sex.

I make no secret of my sexuality, and in a way, I advertise as much as I do so that people are wary of me getting too close. Wouldn't want to screw up and hump a straight woman just because she's being friendly. I get in enough trouble with straight women when I get caught looking at their boobs.

I would love to meet the right woman to explore an intimate relationship, but it has to happen organically. I can't see myself going to dating sites and saying "I'm looking for hot sex." Because I'm not really just looking for sex. Before sex, I have to make sure we have compatible personalities, and I have to make sure they want to spend more time with me. Then, if that works out, we can worry about sex. I'm not needing full true love, but I have to at least like the woman and know that she likes me too. And not in the Facebook like way, neither.

But owning a strap-on ahead of time is a difficult moral quandary for me. I can't use it on hubby. He's hopelessly straight, and I don't really want to have sex with a guy where I'm the one with the cock doing the work. I see little point in masturbating with a fake cock, since when I'm in the mood to see a fake cock for a solo act, I like have it go in, not on. So a regular dildo works for that, or for when I need to dilate. (Probably the least fun, most unsexy thing a post-op transsexual ever does. I digress.)

Owning a strap-on ahead of time means that on some level, I'm evaluating every female as potential partners. Then the following friendship stage acts as my denial that I'm not objectifying this woman, even if I probably am. Owning the strap-on means looking for a reason to use it. And to me that means there's a risk of seeing a person only as a reason to explore myself rather than make a genuine connection with them. Even if the cock is fake, I want the connection to be real. Otherwise the act of looking for someone is predatory and unhealthy.

And this is why the relationship has to come before my trip to the sex shop. Because if I meet someone that I click with and we begin to get closer, it happens because it was meant to happen, and not because I was prowling for a conquest. Then the choice to go to the shop will be a decision that we make together. Which should be a pretty awkward moment for me: "Can we shop for a strap-on together?"

And maybe this means that I may never own a strap-on. But I suppose that's not really the most troubling regret I have. After all, I had a penis, knew what to do with it, and still had the little fucker whacked by a deadly Thai penis assassin.

Another angry ramble…

I should be in a good mood. No check that; I should be in a great mood. Yesterday, we went downtown and I got some new Levi's and a second controller so hubby and I could play Portal 2 together. Hubby checked our bank account and we are in good financial shape compared to this time last year, when we had roughly 80 euros to last through two weeks. My own sales are finally up enough where I could afford a cover job, and the next cover is already one-third paid for. I came home to find that Kate from The Future Fire Reviews had delivered a lengthy and detailed critique of The Life and Death of a Sex Doll, and gasp, she even went looking for hidden meaning and symbolism.

And for part of yesterday I was STOKED, especially over that review. The ultimate writer's high had me, a glowing review where someone looked deep between the lines and saw not only the surface story, but the ideas I was trying to convey to the reader through my characters and dialogue. And this reviewer guessed right on 98% of her interpretations. That's such a high number, I won't even bother pointing out where she was wrong. After a review this near perfect, it's a trifle that she missed one of the bonus questions. This is totally an A+ review, with a gold star.

A LOT of pro reviewers don't do this kind of critical deep scan, and I've repeatedly had reviews that were positive, but which made me sad because the report read, "there's nothing here but fluff." I can draw hidden pictures in the clouds for you, but if all you want to see is the cloud, I can't force you to squint and use your imagination. I also cannot be subtle with you. This only leads to misunderstandings of the worst sort. So just like the reviewer says, some themes, I feel I need to "beat you on the head with." That's because I tried to be subtle in earlier works, and it didn't work. Live and learn.

Somewhere around 10 PM, the high wore off completely as I realized that even if that is close to a perfect review as I'm ever gonna get, it really won't change my circumstances. I still need…something. I wish I could define what that something is, because every word I try to fill in the blank, I can't have those things. I'm not being pessimistic either. I really can't have anything on my little list of wants.

I told hubby last night, "I have this dreadful feeling that one day, I may stumble across the right book to make 100,000 sales in a month, and I'm still going to be depressed because nobody really understands me." And it's a strange thing, being a monster, telling people I am, and asking them to understand me on my terms. Because people refuse to see me as I am. I'm something cute and harmless, a former victim who climbed her way out of the bullying hole. It bothers me that outsiders cast me in this kind of role, but it's because I can never get people to see a complete picture of me. I can show you every aspect, but you choose which facets to focus on. A lot of you choose to look at my positive side while refusing to acknowledge that there's a much larger dark side. But most of you can't understand why your cheerful myopic view depresses me. Then there are others who only focus on my negative aspects, who only read me when I'm complaining and will never bother looking at my creative side.

It is true that I got out of the state where I was bullied as a kid, and I became a world traveler while my bullies rotted in the one horse town where they were born, stuck in dead end jobs and single because their mongoloid attitudes couldn't even attract the dumbest women. I'm not making that up. I've been back to my home town after traveling, and I got all the gossip while I was in town. The women took me in as one of their own. (they always did, though. That's one thing I've always been proud of Texas for: the women there are fucking awesome despite the men.) The gossip gals told me that all my dreams had come true, and all the people who hated me are hated and ignored now. That's poetic justice, isn't it? So, shouldn't I be happy?

Every day, I have people who tell me they love me. And in my own way, I love them too. Of course, my love is wary and cautious, because I have to worry about personal boundaries. I'm not allowed to touch any of you. God, I want to. You don't know how many times in public I've felt the urge to walk up and embrace someone. Dude, chick, old fogey, teen; doesn't matter. I long for physical contact, for tactile sensation. It's not even really about sex. I just long for a real connection in a world where people hate to be touched anywhere. So I live most of my life online, feeling increasingly bitter about being a prisoner in a world where I no longer want to work toward the future. I want someone to hit reset, because I'm tired of people poisoning my planet with toxins, and I'm tired of people poisoning each other's minds with moral judgements. But everyone else think status quo is worth pursuing. So that's where we're stuck. Forever.

I live in a world that advertises SEX, SEX, SEX, but then punishes anyone who should actually fall for the lies in the media. I live in a world where I'm bound to my husband because of societal obligations, and any attempts to explore my sexuality now that I finally have the right genitals is called cheating. I haven't even done anything, and already, I live with guilt because I want to explore. I want to find out what feels good to me as a woman, and I can't.

With most of the people I talk to, I don't think they get that my problem is being a sex addict in a world where all sex of every kind is dirty. And please don't hand me bullshit about how it isn't. Year after year, I'm drowning in a flood of your morality in news articles about who's fucking whom. And if the articles are bad enough, the comments section of every story is toxic poison to further kill my faith in humanity. Every infidelity, you punish with your lectures and condescension. Every affair is open to the public, because our private lives are never truly private. Then out of the other sides of your mouths, you claim to support diversity. Apparently, you tolerate it so long as diversity doesn't turn into intimacy.

Completely random tangent: Yesterday, I saw a picture of Pee Wee Herman, posing with fans for the first time in years. And it reminded me how one of my childhood heroes was thrown out of kids entertainment for masturbating in a porn movie. Not a fetish porn movie, and it wasn't like he was jerking off to a rape scene in a horror film or something equally disturbing. No, this was the most natural, heterosexual reaction to watching porn, and his career was ruined for decades because of prudes.

Every day, in every way, straight people have reminded me how you rule the world, and you fucking hate your genitals with an insane unreason that I have never understood. You protect the genitals of your children like personal possessions that belong to you, even from the exploration of other children. You've codified sex as a crime and even put children on lifetime sex offenders lists for a natural act. That kind of discovery between children is somehow "unnatural" to many of you. But having a ninety-year-old nurse explain puberty with a lousy slideshow is? I at least admit I'm crazy, but you straight people think the word is too divisive to apply it to yourself.

This is why I'm in a lousy mood. Because I'm preaching real diversity and acceptance and being told I'm full of shit while the vast majority of the world is preaching intolerance and suppression of human instinct. And part of me feels guilty for saying "maybe the rest of you need to stop persecuting sex." Drop the sex offenders lists, stop hanging scarlet letters on adulterers, and stop treating queers like they want to eat your kids. I probably seem like the crazy unreasonable one because I keep shouting at everyone these days. But I'm not the society shaming teen mothers about "making bad choices." I'm not the part of the society that pokes its nose up the ass of every gay man, into the crotch of every transsexual. I'm not the one putting virtual chastity belts on the kids in a vain attempt to indefinitely preserve their "purity."

At every turn, I've declared myself outside of this mess. I'm an alien looking in on your world, and I've asked people why their societies need to torment each other over a physical act built into us either by natural design or by God. Either way, it's a part of us, a part of our shared experience with each other. And way too many people treat it like the filthiest thing they've ever done. That's actually shitting, by the way. And we all do that too. And we're all shamed by that act too. Makes no fucking sense, but then nothing about society makes sense to an outside observer. To me, you all look crazy. But then I'm the one who wants to molest everything. Hell, hand me your puppy and I'll have a tactile ball with them too.

I'm making myself more upset and bitter because it's occurred to me that the world will never grow up and stop obsessing over sex. There will be no Star Trek future for any of us, because instead of looking to the stars, societies never stop staring in each other's pants for all the wrong reasons. And I'm going to die being the lonely, guilty, angry person who hid in a room to avoid hurting others, while the rest of you will die content despite all the harm you've caused indirectly with moral judgments and shunning.

This a positively rotten way to sell books, isn't it?

Weekend Recap: bitter and disillusioned edition

Yay, it's the weekly recap, which this week is surprisingly bitter despite some minor successes. Sure, I got a couple of good reviews, and both reviewers were kind enough to put their words up in a couple places for better visibility. Of course I tried to help that visibility by adding links on some forums and social sites. Did absolutely nothing.

So, let's look  back at some recent promotional failures and a very short "twitter blurb":

Blind Rage

A heartbroken berserker and his FBI handler are made to work in a new werekin pack

 The Sole Survivors' Club

Jinn posses people and force them to witness "accidents."

Changeling: An Urban Musical Crime Fantasy

A shapeshifting bard is tricked by a family of con artists into a cloning scam.

 Sandy Morrison and the Pack of Pussies

A witch taps into her powers and learns about a war between witches and werecats.

The Life and Death of a Sex Doll

An infertile woman modifies a pleasure companion to play a complex game: parenting.

 Peter the Wolf

A wounded wolf grows up in a foster family of sheep.

These books are good, and clearly I'm not recycling story lines between books. Of the six titles I promoted, only one didn't get a review, and most of those were good. Both Blind Rage and The Sole Survivors' Club got bad reviews, but they also got good reviews as well. But, that's all they got. Every effort I've made to move these titles has been a wasted effort.

With The Sole Survivors' Club, I'm going to take another crack at it with a revised edition and a new cover. I have no idea when this will happen, as first I'm finishing writing Red, Redefined. But after that, I'm going back in to clarify for readers "Monica is possessed and prevented from using phones and computers." Because no one got that. My bad. I wasn't clear enough. I'll try again. Also, new cover. Probably a stock image with some white text. It certainly can't do any worse than the custom piece I paid for which accurately reflects what the jinn look like in my story, and yet which doesn't move a single unit.

Obviously I have a cover for Sandy Morrison, and I plan to go through the book once again for another minor update. (Mostly meant to reinforce the one year gap in Sandy and Maggie's age, which is not made clear in the current version.) Hopefully I'll tag a few more typos out too. Mind you, I don't expect much to change for either book even after I do the updates. I'll tell you the new books are out, and then I'll spend a week putting out tweets at different times during the day in a vain attempt to catch attention. And at the end of the week, I can once again feel like a complete failure as I rack up 5-6 sales, BUT only on the books I didn't advertise.

I don't know what to do about these other failures. They're good books, and they ought to be able to gather a niche audience, even if I have to build a small audience for each book. But…nothing.

I've released other work in between this, and I didn't make a big deal of them because I doubted I could promote them, given my prior history. Someone online was telling me that the real reason I can't get readers is, I'm writing too much. They say "You need to give people more time to get to know one title first." Their idea is, I should only promote one title over and over and over so that I finally wear people down. But I played that game trying to brand a few books early on. I got ignored then too.

I get ignored pretty consistently in every single genre I approach. Some folks think that it's only the other guys who are book snobs, or that's what they tell me. "That market you're breaking into is full of snobs. It's not as bad in our neck of the woods." But in my experience, every market is unbreakable. I'm not saying I agree with the sentiment that they are snobs. I'm saying, I don't see that any one market has any lower or higher standards for what they read. No matter which genre, they're reading good books and shit books. That's totally irrelevant to my problems, IMO.

No, the relevant problem is, I apparently don't write good enough to raise interest levels beyond people merely reading my books and setting them aside. I don't convert anyone into fans who have to read the next book in the series. I thought I wrote some good promos, and people told me I gave good interview. I thought I got some good reviews. But nothing stirs the readers to give me a chance.

Which has given me an almost daily soul crushing feeling of being defeated. It makes me wish I could at least attempt contemporary literature, so then I could snubbed in every market equally. (Well, not every market. I have yet to write a western or a mystery novel to be ignored either.)

It doesn't help that so many other facets of my life suck right now. The weather never stays consistent, so I'm constantly suffering mood swings. I've been trying to keep the garden going, but out of all 15 plants, I have one tomato that's edible. And that one isn't ripe yet. My zucchini plants are a disaster, and if not for the basil and strawberries, this would feel like a total waste of time. But only one set of strawberries has matured. Everything else might as well be as sterile as me.

And of course, dedicating all this time trying to push books has left me so uptight that I'm not practicing guitar. I'm also not reading as much as I want, even though I LOVE the book I'm reading. I can't stop thinking over and over, Why am I not good enough? What do I have to write to convince people to read me?

I go to hubby to talk about this, and he doesn't listen. He either stares at his Mac, or the TV, or a fiction book, or a newspaper. But he never actually tunes me in when I'm talking about books numbers or my pleas with him to offer marketing ideas. He's a sales manager for a trade magazine and sells ad space all day. But when I push him out of his little world and directly ask for help, he just asked "what do you want me to do about it?" Terrific, I really did marry my father.

I do not have a best friend. I keep finding women that I like, and that I think could be a close friend. But they have normal lives and don't have time to schedule me in for visits or shopping trips. I have no one to chat with who isn't preoccupied with their own problems. And I'm sure that most of them are big problems. I'm not asking for all of peoples' time, just a small part. But I'm finding that people don't have even a fraction of time for me.

Every day, I feel like I'm slipping farther away, and instead of making connections, I feel like every follower is just another face staring into my cage. I keep trying to pass stuff through the bars, begging people to just give me a chance. And in public, everyone says "Oh, we think you're doing just fine, Zoe." But if that's so, why is it that everything I  write is ignored? System-wide, in every community. Totally shut out. Why?

What's wrong with me? Is it because I'm a tranny? Is it because I'm mentally ill? Is it because my mood swings make me unlikeable? Why am I never good enough to get a single project into the hands of my hundreds and hundred of so-called friends? Why is it that people tell me I'm funny and a good writer, but then never actually buy my books?

This week, that's really all I want a fucking answer to. Why am I never good enough to deserve anyone's time? Not my family's, not my online friends, and not my husband's. I really could step out of my fucking window, and I doubt anyone would notice or care. So what the fuck is wrong with me?

There's no GL in team either…

I don't often talk about my trans politics, mainly because I'm trying to sell books and there's a LOT of inconvenient truths that get brought up when I have to discuss my needs. So if you don't want to see me talk about these things, I'll let you skip this one with an early cut.

Lately, I've been accused of not having a team spirit with the GL folks, and I want to make it clear, even to my gay and lesbian friends: there is no team spirit to crush, because there is no team. If you have to ask why, Google ENDA, and then filter the results to look at GL political blogs. See how there's no trans calls for trans-only protection bills? We called for full inclusion for everyone. So you can see how it's all on gays and lesbians making the strident calls to abandon the trans factions in a vain, shallow bid for political expediency. Which means you said "We'd be better off without those freaks holding down our chances."

Do you notice how much gays and lesbians first appropriate our numbers to give them more clout, and then denigrate us and erase our needs to promote their own opinions of us? And when we complain about this mistreatment publicly, even the GL people who don't support these tactics still voice resentment at us for "poisoning the well." We're expected to forgive them for the attacks made by their more vocal members, and ALSO not defend ourselves from those attacks. So even "good gays" end up being hypocrites, claiming they support the BT folks when they really help to push us down as well.

GL lobbies press Obama to "evolve" his views on gays and trans, but most don't have any trans board members. Nor do they listen to criticism of their harmful policies. Trans critics are frequently dismissed by our GL allies as complainers, and we're always told, "We've got some transsexuals who fully support us, so you're obviously wrong." Which leaves unsaid: "the large numbers of you complaining are not as important as the few token trannies we've signed on."

People, keep in mind that there are transsexuals who swear Bailey is telling the truth and they're really autogynophiles. Those people are deluded and sad. And the transsexual who supports a gay-only agenda while sporting a collection of knife wounds inflicted by allies is a sad, deluded person who will be victimized over and over by signing off on these trans-exclusive policies.

As a transsexual and bisexual, I need nothing less then full federal protection from discrimination in all facets of my life. I need the right to not be bullied in school codified. I need the right to not be fired for having long hair and painted nails codified. I need the right to not be kicked out of my apartment for leaving home in a skirt codified into law. The trans kids coming after me need this even more than I do, and we don't have any use for gay marriage, or for an end to DADT. We need an end to discrimination, and a commitment to really stop bullying instead of just paying lip service to the idea.

But instead of supporting our kids, ALL our kids, the GL lobbies focus only on the needs of a few tax paying adults. They even abandon GL kids and GL POC because their needs for protection from discrimination SHOULD come before the right to get married. But GL lobbies think their fucked up priorities are just fine for the whole queer spectrum. This despite years of criticism from the affected factions. You accuse the politicians of living in a bubble, but your own political bubble is pretty rose-tinted too.

For all these reasons, I would like to formally request that the GL lobbies stop using the BT label. We can still be friends and talk about other things. But if you want to drum up my support for gay marriage, get lost. You lost my support a few years back, and instead of admitting you have a problem within your own ranks, most of the GL people I've dealt with have accused me of throwing around baseless accusations or spreading bad blood.

There's bad blood between us all right, but it wasn't me making the daily political attacks. And it will not be me apologizing for pointing out that the GL lobby is just as bullying to their BT allies as the GOP. That's fucked up, but it's even more fucked up that instead of admitting you have a problem, you abuse your "allies." If you think the answer to solve this is to shout at me that I have a poor attitude, then you are part of the problem.

So once more with feeling, and speaking as a bisexual bigender transsexual: GL people, stop accusing trans and bi critics of ruining the team spirit and stop including us in your political statements. You ruined the team spirit by fucking us over on every single legislative session. You want to fix that? Start by saying "my bad" and meaning it. Start by hiring some trans and bi representatives to serve on your committees and boards, and then actually listen to those members instead of dismissing their concerns as less equal than others. You can start to rebuild the team by actually treating us as part of your team. Right now, that's too much to ask, so no, there is no GLBT team. There is the GL, and then there are the factions they've abandoned in favor of a gays-only agenda. (Transsexuals, gender queers, bigenders, bisexuals, asexuals, and the intersexed.)

Still no joy for Peter…or for Zoe

Despite all the promos, the interviews and a great first review, the first week of sales for Peter the Wolf still hasn't reached double digits. There are a lot of people entered for the Goodreads drawing, and as a result many more people are adding the book to their To-Read lists. So in theory, after the drawing passes, some of the people who didn't win might still be curious enough to seek the book out. But right now sales for Peter are as dead as they are for Sandy's book. And as dead as The Life and Death of a Sex Doll, despite getting a pair of glowing reviews. No matter which story I promoted, I couldn't interest you in sci-fi, YA fantasy, or adult fantasy, apparently.

This is not to say that I did not get sales. I did, on all sorts of titles that I didn't advertise, and most of those with no cover. Also, all this week, I've been promoting the Amazon links for my books because people told me I HAD to be in the Amazon market if I wanted real sales numbers. So I advertised to my peeps that I had heard their requests and I had my book up at Amazon… so Smashwords sales are up, and Amazon sales are flat. Of course. Makes perfect sense.

So, if I post links to Smashwords, will people go to Amazon? Because if this reverse psychology thing can be proven to work repeatedly, I'll just advertise for Amazon and smile with evil glee as you go to the store I wanted you to visit.

This, however, does not help me with the problem of title promotions. Or with the confusion I feel watching my sales numbers versus my actual promotions. I mean, don't get me wrong; when someone comes along and buys two of my books in one go, I'm a happy camper that a reader wants those books. But I didn't advertise the books they bought. The books I do advertise are doing poorly. And the more I promote them, the less they seem to do anything.

And, I don't know how to reverse psychology this into a positive rush of new sales. I can't skip advertising altogether, and I doubt I can make this work if I drop books and go, "Yeah, this is out, or whatever. You don't want it anyway." I've avoided tactics like saying "my work is better than So and so's writing," or that I'm the next great writer of any genre. I say my stories are good, but not great, and I try not to market in ways that people have indicated are irritating. (hit and run posts in forums, invitation spams to online events, or constant unrelated interruptions in threads to bring up their book link again.)

I share other people's stuff. I do reviews, and I talk about my hobbies. I share in the course of conversations in the social networks and forums, and I've been told time and again that I'm doing okay as far as my online presentation is going. When I panicked and asked on a forum what I was doing wrong, most of the people there said, "Nah, Zoe, you're doing okay."

But, if I'm okay…if I'm supposedly following all the rules for good social networking, why has this not yet equated to new traffic or to new sales? If I'm supposedly following all the rules, why are my ads failing so spectacularly?

I know a lot of writers are saying how social networking takes away time from writing, but being a shut in, I have extra time that normal people don't have. I've written so many books that even pro writers have to stop and admire my productivity. So I have a lot of titles to always keep myself in the spotlight with, in theory.

Since reducing my online presence, I only promote my stuff 2-5% of the time I'm on the social networks. I don't want someone scrolling through my Twitter stream to find a point where I'm doing nothing but advertising for my own stuff. Unless I've hit a blue moon begathon and post 4-5 book links all in one quick burst. But the idea is, someone will see all of these tweets and choose only one to retweet. So I want to give them at least four choices in the hopes that one of the pitches will catch their eye.

The thing is, extra RTs DO NOT equate to more traffic. Even when I've manipulated RT levels by using DMs to prod friends, a higher RT ratio has never resulted in a higher click through rate.

And this is the mystery. I get good reviews. I share and communicate without having to promote myself all the time. People say I have a good online presence. What then, am I doing wrong? Why have every single one of my promotions failed? Why is it that even among supposed friends and loved ones, no one will buy my books if I just ask "Please buy my book?" I've given you every song and dance you could possibly ask for. So why can I not convince you to take a risk on me?

Reviews and contests…

I have two glowing reviews to present to you, one five star review for Peter the Wolf by horror and fantasy writer Willie Meikle, and a four star review for The Life and Death of a Sex Doll by Matthew Fryer. I really appreciate both of these reviews, and I thank both Willie and Matthew for taking a look at my titles.

And now, at long last, we come to the contests. First off, Werewolves.com got back to me with the winner of their drawing for a copy of Peter the Wolf. So congratulations, Ryan Hong, your book is already speeding through the print rollers for you.

So now we need to open some contests for this month. Goodreads approved both of my contests so you can enter to win a copy of The Life and Death of a Sex Doll or Peter the Wolf, IF you're a resident of the US, Canada, Australia, and the UK.

For those of you outside those territories, I'm running a contest for you from this post. And the rules are simple. To be eligible for one entry into the contest, in the comments section, tell me your totem. This is the animal most closely linked to your personality, so it's not which pet you wish you had. There's an easy joke about sheep, but I'll avoid being ba-a-ad.

For a double entry into the contest, I want you to explain why you aligned yourself with your totem. What makes you feel connected to this animal? What qualities do you see in it that you also see in yourself? This is an attempt at fostering a creative exercise, and it may crash and burn. But I gave y'all an easy entry, and this is like the bonus question for extra credit. And, if you get creative enough, I may even feel generous and toss in a third entry into the hat for you.

The Goodreads contests already have people entered for both books, so if this blog contest crashes out, it's not a total loss. But I'd hope after reading the glowing review for Peter's book that some of you will want the book and make an effort to explain why you want to be a wereweasel. (I'll give four entries to the person who explains why their totem is a golden hamster. Okay, no, not really. But I will laugh out loud for real if anyone does it.)

Oh, and cover news. I've secured the rights to an AWESOME piece of artwork to make a 6X9 print edition of A Collection of Vampire Shorts. This is a great goth image that complements the gorgeous cover art from Blood Relations, done by Karen Koehler. But this new cover was done by Bulgarian artist Teodora Taneva, who is also the artist for my upcoming Wendy Stoffel novel A Perfectly Empty Vessel.

And, Karen Koehler has turned in a final cover for Sandy Morrison and the Pack of Pussies. So here it is, making it's big debut:

I love the look of this "Sandy," so I hope readers will also be charmed by her too.

And that's the news for today.

Mondays were just made for rambling.

Well, today was a busy day! But before I get to the rambly bit, I had an interview over on . Draven Ames does not ask the standard "where do you get your ideas from" interview, so I talked about my books, Army life, and writing with a handicap. Definitely not the standard issue article, and I'm grateful to Draven for hosting me on his blog.

Second, I've got together this month's sales reports already, and I've got a total of 25 sales this month, with quite a lot of that coming from my white-faced collection. But there's also some sales for Peter the Wolf mixed in there too. In all cases, thanks very much for picking up my books. Your continued support has now completely paid for a cover for Sandy Morrison and the Pack of Pussies, and that helps a lot being able to pay for new investments using the profits of my writing instead of the income from my part-time editing jobs.

Speaking of the cover to Sandy's book, Karen Koehler sent me a first draft, and I really like it. It's got the right level of cutesy to be a good YA cover. Not sure when she'll turn in the final draft, but I'll be sure to post it before I get to work producing another draft for the new 6X9 print edition

Next, you should prepare yourself for contesty goodness. First, I've got two contests going on over at Goodreads, and I'll be giving away print copies of The Life and Death of a Sex Doll and Peter the Wolf. I just can't give you the link until the contests are approved. But, once they are, I'll give you the links. These contests are only open to residents of the US, the UK, Australia and Canada, but those of you outside those territories please do not despair. For I shall have contests here on my blog for you too. And in this one, the premise is very simple:

Tell me your totem.

That's it. Just put a comment in the contest blog post, and tell me which animal you most closely identify with. This isn't what animal you want as a pet, either, but a question of what animal traits are strongest in you. Are you always wary like a rabbit, alert for the tiniest hint of danger? Or do you share the cold cunning of a hunting falcon? Does Schadenfreude make your inner jackal laugh? Or does your inner wolf always leave you feeling hungry for something new to explore or consume?

You can tell me why you identify with your totem if you like, but you don't have to in order to be eligible for the drawing. But of course, part of why I'm suggesting this is to let your imaginations run wild, so longer answers will bring double entries in the drawing.

This is NOT the post to enter, so please, spend the next day or so thinking "What animal am I?" I will get back to you this week with the proper place to name your totem. Also, because I know people get concerned about the legitimacy of these drawings, I'm going to post a YouTube video of me preparing the paper slips for the hat draw. Unless we have a LOT of entries. Then, I'll have to use a randomize program of some sort. But let's face it, that's highly unlikely, isn't it? Right, so let's move on.

In writing news, I added 2400 words to Red, Redefined, taking me into a sadder arc of the story. But in keeping with the sci-fi theme, I handled a death scene in a more indirect way so it wasn't "all 'orror show." But it's still a sad moment in the book that truly redefines Greta and points her down the inevitable path to becoming an adult. So even if I'd been resisting writing this scene for a while, the muse is right, and it's better that we got it out of the way.

Red, Redefined is now 39K long, and I'd say I'm near the middle. Of course, the muse might hit me with another surprise, but I don't think this is going to be an epic tome.

What else? Oh, kittens. Hubby's family has rescued kittens, and we'll probably be picking up two…and possibly a dog from a shelter. We're both thinking it will be good to bring them in together while the kitties are young so the cats can bond with the dog properly. Or, that's the theory. We're still a few weeks away from getting the kitty or kitties.

Last thing, I almost got a bit too carried away with Kinect Adventures. I was playing a basic level on River Rush, but I was trying to score a platinum medal, right? Well I kept playing the level and still couldn't get past gold. The last time through, I felt really dizzy, but I stupidly kept playing. And once it was over, I dropped and stripped out of my clothes. Then I just lay there and sweated while I watched The Tomorrow People. But even after I'd finished watching a half hour show, I was still panting and red-faced, and I felt like I was sick.

So…yeah, almost killed myself with the game. Gonna have to be a leeetle more careful from now on. (>_>)

And that's everything for today. (^_^)

(For the love of me, buy my book on Smashwords, or on Amazon. Or buy this book, or the Kindle version. Please?)

Ramble on!

I should make an update, I suppose. So I'll cover the positives first. I picked up a copy of Alice: Madness Returns, and I've played about 2% of it according to my stats. What I've seen so far is really different from the first game. It's evolved, and the use of cinematic cut scenes with paper puppets sets is really intense, at times even gory. Yet the game is also very pretty. The first game feels very boxy and dated after spending just a few minutes exploring the new locations. The first shots of London and its characters show off the game engine nicely, but then you get to Wonderland, and…my gosh, it's breathtaking.

In Teen Wolf, the alpha was revealed, and my wild guess was totally wrong. (No, I'm not going to spoil this for people coming to the show late. You deserve a chance to enjoy the mystery too.) But I'm not disappointed by who it is, and I am in fact antsy to get the next episode. Really cannot gush strongly enough about this show, peoples.

My diet and exercise are working to trim me down. When I started, I looked skinny in photos, but if I smacked my tummy, the fat rippled around to my butt and all the way down to my knees. People often can't grasp that a skinny person can become too fat and no one notices. But as I gain fat, I lose muscle. So for a while, even I have trouble telling when I'm starting to pig out.

But when I smack my belly now, only my belly jiggles. My thighs are all mucle again, and my butt looks fantastic. (^_^) This progress is in spite of all the bad days where I laid on the couch in agony from weather shifts. So I have to say, the Kinect was a great purchase for me, and it's really helping me to get back in shape.

But, all the exercise still has not helped with stairs, and yesterday during our shopping trip, the stairwell leading out of the subway was like someone got behind me and started stabbing with a short pocket knife. Nothing so deep and painful that it would stop anyone, but enough to put a wince on my face with every step. Once I got home, I had to stand up for periods of time because sitting or laying was painful. Just…can't win sometimes.

And speaking of which, it's starting to look like The Life and Death of a Sex Doll will be another bust. While pleading for more readers, I had a friend message me on Twitter and say that the sci-fi genre was harder to break into because the readers only want something "groundbreaking."

But you know, I'm not really convinced on the idea that sci-fi readers are a tougher market to crack. I haven't had much luck with any market thus far, and as I've been rambling about in a forum, I don't have a clue what I'm doing wrong, or what I was doing right with my successes.

Now all throughout the past few months, I've talked about the books that I wanted y'all to buy. This last week, I chatted up two books that I wanted to get in your hands. On opening day for Peter the Wolf, I got one sale…for Dating in the Post-Zombie World. That would be one of four books I released last month with no advertising, and no cover. But the book I bought a pro cover for and spent all this time drumming up sold nothing on opening day.

It later sold copies, but I can still count my sales on one hand. I can also guess who most of those folks are. (And thanks, guys. I really do appreciate y'all, and I hope you know that.)

So, release book, don't advertise=get sales. Three of the four books I released without ads or covers have sold copies. But nothing I do to drum up attention of my new books does anything. My promotions don't make impressions or generate traffic. There's not even people looking up the previews.

This really is not a case of anyone being snobby, or at least, I don't think it is. But looking at traffic, I see I'm still failing to interest anyone in coming to Peter's page, and very few people have read the promos I did for The Life and Death of a Sex Doll. The problem here is still targeting. I need to aim for multi-genre readers, people looking for something a little different from the standard fare. I've only found a few at this point, and most of those were random connections.

So here even before any reviews come in, I can pretty much predict that Peter the Wolf will flop. Not because I didn't promote it, but because I'm not promoting it to the right people.

Final thought: I don't tell you people thse things because I'm going "Aaarrgh, why aren't you buying stuff?" There's really not that many of you here, taking the NR review crowd into account. I think those of you who do show up for the book stuff probably have bought a few books at this point.

What I'm doing is nothing different from what Amanda Hocking does when she talks about her promotions and writing. The difference is, she has more successes to celebrate in her updates, and I only have more confounding mysteries to unravel. The few readers and reviewers I can sway have said my books are good. The writers and editors who I asked to check out my stuff come back with positive comments too. Surely, if I can please these finicky folks, there has to be a market of readers who would like my books. But if there's a site for me to locate those readers, I've never been there.

So if my rambling over my failures annoys you, I'm sorry. But I'm not saying, "What's wrong with y'all?" I'm asking "What am I doing wrong?" It's just, there's apparently no straight answer to that question, either.

Begging for adoptions…

Today, I'd like to plead the case for The Life and Death of a Sex Doll and remind you that it is still 25% off at Smashwords with the code SSW25 until the end of July. It's also available on Kindle, and in a print edition, limited to 100 copies.

I realize some of you might be shying away from it because you think you know what this story is about the moment you see the words Sex Doll in the title. Let me assure you, despite the fact that multiple characters in these two novellas are sex dolls, this story is not about sex. And if you're still worried that I'm going to lead you into a porn shoot, I'd like to allay those concerns. This is not a book about sex.

Instead, these novellas are about family, and about the elastic qualities that label can have in our modern world. The story draws inspiration from The Electric Grandmother, the film adaptation of Ray Bradbury's short story I Sing the Body Electric and from an article I'd read on talking electronic companion dolls in Japan. I wondered what it would be like if someone adopted a doll not to use as a companion, but as a prop in a game of house. That reminded me of Bradbury's story, which I'd not thought of in ages. But I wondered if in a future where companions could be as expressive and real as that electric grandmother was, what would happen if someone took a machine made for pleasure and taught it to be something more?

I don't want to give too much away and take away from the journey, but I think a lot of you are avoiding this book because you're expecting something else. Let me assure you, this is one of my lighter stories, and in this world, even my zombies are polite. (Yes, there really are zombies in the story. No, they do not eat anyone. Promise.)

So, you get two novellas for the price of one, and both are guaranteed to be unique, unlike anything else you're reading. If you're still not convinced, you can try a preview through Amazon's Kindle store or on Smashwords, or use the Search Inside feature to checkout out the preview for the print edition.

So please, please, check out the preview and consider picking up a copy. I need to find more good homes willing to adopt this book.

So, about last night…

I posted up the book on Amazon, got all my stuff lined up and promoted, and then went and looked at the "final proof." No. No nononono, dear lord, no. I found a major timing error that would have led to massive amounts of confusion during the early chapters. I also found several instances where the narration shifts from present tense to past tense. I could not let these files go out like this, but they were already live.

I had two options. I could break down and sulk in a heaping depression about once again being a loser, or I could fix the files and upload them again. I chose option C, doing both. So last night I dropped on the couch for a sulk, and then I got up early this morning and started going through the book again.

Along the way, I found yet another doozy of a timing mistake, and I fixed it. Then I looked over at Amazon and learned that some folks had already bought a copy of the bad file. Now, I don't know which ones of you did it, but whether you bought a copy of the book from Amazon or Smashwords, I owe you a replacement book. So if you contact me by forwarding you Amazon invoice of Smashwords confirmation email, I will email you a replacement in your preferred format. And I apologize for the inconvenience. I really thought I whacked all of these problems back in draft 4.

Tomorrow I have to send polite queries to the reviewers and ask if they're willing to take a replacement file for the one I'd sent them. They don't have to, and if I get bad reviews, it is TOTALLY a fair cop because the arcs had timing errors. The kind that a reviewer would find irking, I'm sure. But if they don't take the replacements files and I get picked apart in a bad review, please keep in mind, they had an ARC, and I fixed those problems, honest.

It really does bug me turning out a buggy book. I want to give you the best story I can, and now that I've uploaded a new file, I feel more confident that this is a better book. Is it 100% error free? No, not likely. But the dates given by Peter during the introduction shouldn't case confusion, and in the arcs, there's a problem where almost two months pass, and yet it's always October. OOOPS.

Timing issues are always my biggest snag, While updating a rough draft to a second revision, I fdound an airline flight from Vegas to Austin that took four…days. (y_y) And you people wonder why I don't even make a beta call until I'm up to the third draft. Cause my early writing is rife with mistakes.

But, I fix my mistakes, and I own up to them like a big girl. I'm owning up to this, and if you bought one of the bad copies. Let me extend my apologies once again and an offer for a free replacement. And hopefully next month's release, I won't screw up so badly. (*._.)