Rachel Kramer Bussel's Blog, page 99
April 14, 2013
My dishwashing fetish story "Doing the Dishes," podcasted
Thank you to the amazing and wonderful Rose Caraway, narrator of the Gotta Have It audiobook, for bringing my story "Doing the Dishes" to life in podcast form, free! This is a favorite story of mine and one I'm definitely including in my first erotic short story collection, to be published by Cleis Press.
Amazon.com reviewers wanted - free copy of Cheeky Spanking Stories
I'm looking for 3 more Amazon.com reviewers for Cheeky Spanking Stories - I'd send you a free autographed copy of the book, you are in the U.S., have an Amazon.com account you've made a purchase from at some point, and agree to review it on Amazon within 6 weeks. Interested? Send name and mailing address to eroticspankingantho at gmail.com with "Amazon" in the subject line and I'll send it out to the first 3 takers. For more on the book, see the introduction and table of contents and read 17 reviews of it. If you have a blog or are on Goodreads, etc., I'd love for you to review it elsewhere too, but this offer is specifically requesting Amazon.com reviewers.
April 13, 2013
All apologies
"Our thoughts are the most powerful tools we've got." Jen Sincero, whose work I adore, in
You Are a Badass
Here's what happens when I make a mistake, like the one related to this article where I had the quote written three times in my notes correctly, but somehow still wrote "free trade" instead of "fair trade." I apologize, then do what I can to fix it, in this case, letting my editor know and updating my posts about it. But then where I go off the rails is not being able to let it go. In my head, it's not the mistake that's the mistake, it's me who's the mistake. It's all I can think about, and I feel awful for letting down both the publication I'm writing for and the person involved. Then from there I go to: I'm a bad writer, and therefore a bad person, I will never get another assignment from them again, what was I thinking trying to work on such a project, maybe I should just give up on all the other things I'm writing. Okay, maybe not quite that, but I do know that all day, until I finally addressed it directly with my boyfriend when I had to because I was freaking out.
I forget sometimes that mistakes are human, and that when I allow myself, I learn from my mistakes and work as hard as I can not to make the same ones over and over again. Yet there is still that underlying sense that the mistake mars not just whatever it was related to, but that it's this giant black mark on me, that it will stay with me through everything else I do. In this case, it's relatively minor and has now been fixed, but I've made more than my share of mistakes that I've then expanded because I could only see the mistake, taking up more than its fair share of space in my head. I worry it like a loose tooth that always stays on the verge of coming out but never does; it just teeters in that space between almost being gone but holding on.
I'm in the midst of trying to correct/amend/fix a many years long financial mistake and while it's wonderful to be addressing the problem, the fact that it's actually taking many months to even get to the part where I can start digging in to fixing it makes me, once again, feel like a failure, like I will never be rid of this problem and that that means that I shouldn't even bother trying. It's the inertia, and the tying of all my problems into one giant problem that seems to multiply until it overtakes everything else that's the real issue. Because even I'm smart enough to know that it's pretty much guaranteed that I'll keep on making mistakes of one kind or another until I do, but that what I do when faced with them is what matters. I could tell you that I was working too fast or had a cold or any other excuse, but I don't have one. It was an error, and what I can do to avoid such errors in the future is to very minutely go over everything before I turn it in.
If I'd been alone today, I likely would've simply obsessed over this and kept on feeling awful. Instead, I was able to talk to my boyfriend about the various mistakes that feel so overwhelming lately and help make a plan for how to deal with them in the future, how to tackle the ones still pending and, most challenging of all, how to let it go. Sometimes it's much easier for me to see my faults and flaws and fuckups, which feel myriad, than the fact that sometimes I do make mistakes and as long as they are not deliberate or mean-spirited, all I can do is try harder next time, and know that a mistake doesn't negate the other parts of my article or day or life or career.
I hadn't thought of this aspect when I read the chapter in You Are a Badass called "Forgive or Fester," because I was focused on where I have to forgive other people for their flaws rather than hold on to my anger at their misdeeds, but when she writes "Holding onto resentment is like taking poison and waiting for your enemies to die," that can be turned inward just as much as outward. I can't ever expect anyone else to forgive me for my mistakes and imperfections if I don't forgive myself first. The first step she suggests is to "find compassion," and elaborates: "Finding compassion for yourself or someone else who did something so so so so awful is like pulling a bullet out of your arm: You may kick and scream and hate it at first, but, in the long run, it's the only way to start the real healing." I gained a lot of wisdom from her book, but that chapter was perhaps the most eye-opening. It was a wakeup call saying, There is a better way. And now I feel like it's a double gift, because I can apply those actions to myself. I can take responsibility, apologize, recognize that I have no control over what happens after that, and move on and try to be as badass as I can on the next piece, and the next, and the next.
Or as Steve Tobak wrote at Inc. :
Here's what happens when I make a mistake, like the one related to this article where I had the quote written three times in my notes correctly, but somehow still wrote "free trade" instead of "fair trade." I apologize, then do what I can to fix it, in this case, letting my editor know and updating my posts about it. But then where I go off the rails is not being able to let it go. In my head, it's not the mistake that's the mistake, it's me who's the mistake. It's all I can think about, and I feel awful for letting down both the publication I'm writing for and the person involved. Then from there I go to: I'm a bad writer, and therefore a bad person, I will never get another assignment from them again, what was I thinking trying to work on such a project, maybe I should just give up on all the other things I'm writing. Okay, maybe not quite that, but I do know that all day, until I finally addressed it directly with my boyfriend when I had to because I was freaking out.
I forget sometimes that mistakes are human, and that when I allow myself, I learn from my mistakes and work as hard as I can not to make the same ones over and over again. Yet there is still that underlying sense that the mistake mars not just whatever it was related to, but that it's this giant black mark on me, that it will stay with me through everything else I do. In this case, it's relatively minor and has now been fixed, but I've made more than my share of mistakes that I've then expanded because I could only see the mistake, taking up more than its fair share of space in my head. I worry it like a loose tooth that always stays on the verge of coming out but never does; it just teeters in that space between almost being gone but holding on.
I'm in the midst of trying to correct/amend/fix a many years long financial mistake and while it's wonderful to be addressing the problem, the fact that it's actually taking many months to even get to the part where I can start digging in to fixing it makes me, once again, feel like a failure, like I will never be rid of this problem and that that means that I shouldn't even bother trying. It's the inertia, and the tying of all my problems into one giant problem that seems to multiply until it overtakes everything else that's the real issue. Because even I'm smart enough to know that it's pretty much guaranteed that I'll keep on making mistakes of one kind or another until I do, but that what I do when faced with them is what matters. I could tell you that I was working too fast or had a cold or any other excuse, but I don't have one. It was an error, and what I can do to avoid such errors in the future is to very minutely go over everything before I turn it in.
If I'd been alone today, I likely would've simply obsessed over this and kept on feeling awful. Instead, I was able to talk to my boyfriend about the various mistakes that feel so overwhelming lately and help make a plan for how to deal with them in the future, how to tackle the ones still pending and, most challenging of all, how to let it go. Sometimes it's much easier for me to see my faults and flaws and fuckups, which feel myriad, than the fact that sometimes I do make mistakes and as long as they are not deliberate or mean-spirited, all I can do is try harder next time, and know that a mistake doesn't negate the other parts of my article or day or life or career.
I hadn't thought of this aspect when I read the chapter in You Are a Badass called "Forgive or Fester," because I was focused on where I have to forgive other people for their flaws rather than hold on to my anger at their misdeeds, but when she writes "Holding onto resentment is like taking poison and waiting for your enemies to die," that can be turned inward just as much as outward. I can't ever expect anyone else to forgive me for my mistakes and imperfections if I don't forgive myself first. The first step she suggests is to "find compassion," and elaborates: "Finding compassion for yourself or someone else who did something so so so so awful is like pulling a bullet out of your arm: You may kick and scream and hate it at first, but, in the long run, it's the only way to start the real healing." I gained a lot of wisdom from her book, but that chapter was perhaps the most eye-opening. It was a wakeup call saying, There is a better way. And now I feel like it's a double gift, because I can apply those actions to myself. I can take responsibility, apologize, recognize that I have no control over what happens after that, and move on and try to be as badass as I can on the next piece, and the next, and the next.
Or as Steve Tobak wrote at Inc. :
Don't wallow in it or lament what could have been. Just pick yourself up, gain whatever wisdom you can from the experience, accept it as the new reality, and go from there. You're still in the band. Play your next note.
April 12, 2013
My Feminist Porn Awards and Feminist Porn Conference report
My report on the Feminist Porn Awards and Feminist Porn Conference is up at The Daily Beast! I'm so glad I attended. I learned so much and am very proud of this piece, and grateful to all my sources, including those I didn't get to include. If any editors are reading this, I'd love to go back next year and write about it again. Hope you like the piece, and thank you to Good for Her and Tristan Taormino for putting on thought-provoking, wonderful events.
April 10, 2013
3 new calls for submissions: erotic romance, female fantasy erotica, kinky couples erotica
New calls! For all three anthologies, I strongly encourage writers new to erotica and my books to submit; I love publishing new authors and each of these topics is rife for creative voices approaching them with a fresh perspective. Work MUST follow the guidelines below.
Couples' Erotic Romance Stories
To be published by Cleis Press in 2014
Editor Rachel Kramer Bussel is looking for romantic, primarily heterosexual erotic stories for a 2012 anthology of erotic romance. Stories can feature couples exploring new erotic territory, strangers who share a spark, lost lovers or exes reuniting, etc. Final book will contain a mix of storytelling styles, settings and heros/heroines. Kink, sex toys, exotic locations/scenarios welcome as long as there is an element of erotic romance as opposed to strictly erotica. Sensual and sexual should coexist. Stories should be strongly plotted, have engaging, unique characters and be hot and original. I highly prefer contemporary settings but will consider a limited amount of historical fiction. All characters must be over 18; no incest, scat or bestiality. No poetry. See my anthology Irresistible: Erotic Romance for Couples for examples of the kinds of stories I'm looking for. Unpublished stories only (this includes blogs and websites).
How to submit: Send double spaced Times or Times New Roman 12 point black font Word document with pages numbered (.doc, not .docx) OR RTF of 1,500-4,000 word story. Indent the first line of each paragraph half an inch and double space (regular double spacing, do not add extra lines between paragraphs or do any other irregular spacing). US grammar (double quotation marks around dialogue, etc.) required. Only submit your final, best version of the story you are submitting. Do not send multiple versions of the same story. Include your legal name (and pseudonym if applicable), mailing address, and 50 word or less bio in the third person to romanceantho@gmail.com. If you are using a pseudonym, please provide your real name as well as your pseudonym and make it clear which one you’d like to be credited as. You will receive a confirmation within 72 hours. I will get back to you by September 2013. I cannot give any feedback on rejected submissions.
Payment: $50 and 2 copies of the book on publication
Deadline: June 1, 2013 (earlier submissions strongly encouraged)
Questions: romanceantho@gmail.com
Female Fantasy Erotica
To be published by Cleis Press in 2014
This collection of erotica will feature female protagonists living out their hottest fantasies. From vanilla kinky, single to partnered, from 18 to elderly, I'm looking for stories of all sorts of women (transgender characters are also welcome) exploring new aspects of their sexuality. For inspiration, feel free to check out a list by Violet Blue of common sexual fantasies, but stories must capture what about that particular fantasy for that particular character is so compelling and make it red-hot to work for this book, and authors are encouraged to be creative, daring and provocative with exploring the definition of fantasy and how it plays out for your character. All characters should be over 18. No nonconsensual scenes. No bestiality, scat or incest. No poetry. Please see my anthologies Orgasmic, Women in Lust, and Fast Girls for examples of the kinds of stories I'm looking for. Unpublished stories only (this includes blogs and websites).
How to submit: Send double spaced Times or Times New Roman 12 point black font Word document with pages numbered (.doc, not .docx) OR RTF of 1,500-4,000 word story. Indent the first line of each paragraph half an inch and double space (regular double spacing, do not add extra lines between paragraphs or do any other irregular spacing). US grammar (double quotation marks around dialogue, etc.) required. Only submit your final, best version of the story you are submitting. Do not send multiple versions of the same story. Include your legal name (and pseudonym if applicable), mailing address, and 50 word or less bio in the third person to fantasyantho@gmail.com. If you are using a pseudonym, please provide your real name as well as your pseudonym and make it clear which one you’d like to be credited as. For the smoothest editorial process, please double check that the byline you are using with your submission is the byline you'd want published. You will receive a confirmation within 72 hours. I will get back to you by September 2013. I cannot give any feedback on rejected submissions.
Payment: $50 and 2 copies of the book on publication
Deadline: July 1, 2013 (earlier submissions strongly encouraged)
Questions: fantasyantho@gmail.com
Kinky Couples Erotica
To be published by Cleis Press in 2014
This book of erotica stories will feature couples exploring many aspects of BDSM, from newbies to seasoned players, in bedrooms and dungeons and far beyond. Editor Rachel Kramer Bussel is looking for BDSM stories featuring couples (though stories with more than two people are welcome). Couples can be of any sexual orientation but the book’s primary audience and focus is on heterosexual couples. They can be newbies or experienced players (or a combination of the two). The final book will feature couples who’ve just met but will contain mostly stories about already-established couples who are engaging in BDSM in various forms. The more creative, the better. Submissions tend to skew extremely heavily toward the female submissive POV, so if you are submitting a female sub/male dom story, please make sure it is unique and dazzling. I’m especially looking for stories from the top’s/dominant’s POV. Most of all, stories should be attention-grabbing, provocative and daring. All characters should be over 18. I’m looking for a mix of male and female tops and bottoms (and switches), as well as a mix of physical and mental power play. No nonconsensual scenes. No bestiality, scat or incest. No poetry. Please see my anthologies Anything for You: Erotica for Kinky Couples; Yes, Sir; Yes, Ma’am; Please, Sir; Please, Ma’am; He’s on Top and She’s on Top for examples of the kinds of kinky stories I prefer. Unpublished stories only (this includes blogs and websites).
How to submit: Send double spaced Times or Times New Roman 12 point black font Word document with pages numbered (.doc, not .docx) OR RTF of 1,500-4,000 word story. Indent the first line of each paragraph half an inch and double space (regular double spacing, do not add extra lines between paragraphs or do any other irregular spacing). US grammar (double quotation marks around dialogue, etc.) required. Only submit your final, best version of the story you are submitting. Do not send multiple versions of the same story. Include your legal name (and pseudonym if applicable), mailing address, and 50 word or less bio in the third person to bdsmcouplesantho@gmail.com. If you are using a pseudonym, please provide your real name as well as your pseudonym and make it clear which one you’d like to be credited as. For the smoothest editorial process, please double check that the byline you are using with your submission is the byline you'd want published. You will receive a confirmation within 72 hours. I will get back to you by September 2013. I cannot give any feedback on rejected submissions.
Payment: $50 and 2 copies of the book on publication
Deadline: July 1, 2013 (earlier submissions strongly encouraged)
Questions: bdsmcouplesantho@gmail.com
Couples' Erotic Romance Stories
To be published by Cleis Press in 2014
Editor Rachel Kramer Bussel is looking for romantic, primarily heterosexual erotic stories for a 2012 anthology of erotic romance. Stories can feature couples exploring new erotic territory, strangers who share a spark, lost lovers or exes reuniting, etc. Final book will contain a mix of storytelling styles, settings and heros/heroines. Kink, sex toys, exotic locations/scenarios welcome as long as there is an element of erotic romance as opposed to strictly erotica. Sensual and sexual should coexist. Stories should be strongly plotted, have engaging, unique characters and be hot and original. I highly prefer contemporary settings but will consider a limited amount of historical fiction. All characters must be over 18; no incest, scat or bestiality. No poetry. See my anthology Irresistible: Erotic Romance for Couples for examples of the kinds of stories I'm looking for. Unpublished stories only (this includes blogs and websites).
How to submit: Send double spaced Times or Times New Roman 12 point black font Word document with pages numbered (.doc, not .docx) OR RTF of 1,500-4,000 word story. Indent the first line of each paragraph half an inch and double space (regular double spacing, do not add extra lines between paragraphs or do any other irregular spacing). US grammar (double quotation marks around dialogue, etc.) required. Only submit your final, best version of the story you are submitting. Do not send multiple versions of the same story. Include your legal name (and pseudonym if applicable), mailing address, and 50 word or less bio in the third person to romanceantho@gmail.com. If you are using a pseudonym, please provide your real name as well as your pseudonym and make it clear which one you’d like to be credited as. You will receive a confirmation within 72 hours. I will get back to you by September 2013. I cannot give any feedback on rejected submissions.
Payment: $50 and 2 copies of the book on publication
Deadline: June 1, 2013 (earlier submissions strongly encouraged)
Questions: romanceantho@gmail.com
Female Fantasy Erotica
To be published by Cleis Press in 2014
This collection of erotica will feature female protagonists living out their hottest fantasies. From vanilla kinky, single to partnered, from 18 to elderly, I'm looking for stories of all sorts of women (transgender characters are also welcome) exploring new aspects of their sexuality. For inspiration, feel free to check out a list by Violet Blue of common sexual fantasies, but stories must capture what about that particular fantasy for that particular character is so compelling and make it red-hot to work for this book, and authors are encouraged to be creative, daring and provocative with exploring the definition of fantasy and how it plays out for your character. All characters should be over 18. No nonconsensual scenes. No bestiality, scat or incest. No poetry. Please see my anthologies Orgasmic, Women in Lust, and Fast Girls for examples of the kinds of stories I'm looking for. Unpublished stories only (this includes blogs and websites).
How to submit: Send double spaced Times or Times New Roman 12 point black font Word document with pages numbered (.doc, not .docx) OR RTF of 1,500-4,000 word story. Indent the first line of each paragraph half an inch and double space (regular double spacing, do not add extra lines between paragraphs or do any other irregular spacing). US grammar (double quotation marks around dialogue, etc.) required. Only submit your final, best version of the story you are submitting. Do not send multiple versions of the same story. Include your legal name (and pseudonym if applicable), mailing address, and 50 word or less bio in the third person to fantasyantho@gmail.com. If you are using a pseudonym, please provide your real name as well as your pseudonym and make it clear which one you’d like to be credited as. For the smoothest editorial process, please double check that the byline you are using with your submission is the byline you'd want published. You will receive a confirmation within 72 hours. I will get back to you by September 2013. I cannot give any feedback on rejected submissions.
Payment: $50 and 2 copies of the book on publication
Deadline: July 1, 2013 (earlier submissions strongly encouraged)
Questions: fantasyantho@gmail.com
Kinky Couples Erotica
To be published by Cleis Press in 2014
This book of erotica stories will feature couples exploring many aspects of BDSM, from newbies to seasoned players, in bedrooms and dungeons and far beyond. Editor Rachel Kramer Bussel is looking for BDSM stories featuring couples (though stories with more than two people are welcome). Couples can be of any sexual orientation but the book’s primary audience and focus is on heterosexual couples. They can be newbies or experienced players (or a combination of the two). The final book will feature couples who’ve just met but will contain mostly stories about already-established couples who are engaging in BDSM in various forms. The more creative, the better. Submissions tend to skew extremely heavily toward the female submissive POV, so if you are submitting a female sub/male dom story, please make sure it is unique and dazzling. I’m especially looking for stories from the top’s/dominant’s POV. Most of all, stories should be attention-grabbing, provocative and daring. All characters should be over 18. I’m looking for a mix of male and female tops and bottoms (and switches), as well as a mix of physical and mental power play. No nonconsensual scenes. No bestiality, scat or incest. No poetry. Please see my anthologies Anything for You: Erotica for Kinky Couples; Yes, Sir; Yes, Ma’am; Please, Sir; Please, Ma’am; He’s on Top and She’s on Top for examples of the kinds of kinky stories I prefer. Unpublished stories only (this includes blogs and websites).
How to submit: Send double spaced Times or Times New Roman 12 point black font Word document with pages numbered (.doc, not .docx) OR RTF of 1,500-4,000 word story. Indent the first line of each paragraph half an inch and double space (regular double spacing, do not add extra lines between paragraphs or do any other irregular spacing). US grammar (double quotation marks around dialogue, etc.) required. Only submit your final, best version of the story you are submitting. Do not send multiple versions of the same story. Include your legal name (and pseudonym if applicable), mailing address, and 50 word or less bio in the third person to bdsmcouplesantho@gmail.com. If you are using a pseudonym, please provide your real name as well as your pseudonym and make it clear which one you’d like to be credited as. For the smoothest editorial process, please double check that the byline you are using with your submission is the byline you'd want published. You will receive a confirmation within 72 hours. I will get back to you by September 2013. I cannot give any feedback on rejected submissions.
Payment: $50 and 2 copies of the book on publication
Deadline: July 1, 2013 (earlier submissions strongly encouraged)
Questions: bdsmcouplesantho@gmail.com
Dallas Bondage Expo coming up April 26th to 28th
Bondage Expo Dallas is coming up so if you're in Texas and into bondage (or just curious), check it out! I won't be there unfortunately, but it sounds like a blast. On the writing front, Laura Antoniou, Midori, Sidney Bristol, and Eden Bradley will be there, along with many bondage experts.
Free Friday night reading at Purple Passion in NYC
Purple Passion is a wonderful fetish clothing and BDSM shop in Chelsea and I'm reading there on Friday night for the new Cleis Press D.L. King anthology
Under Her Thumb: Erotic Stories of Female Domination
, along with Laura Antoniou (whose new BDSM mystery
The Killer Wore Leather
you should also check out), Anne Grip and Lawrence Westerman. Some of my books will be for sale and I'll be giving out free bookmarks, plus it looks like this is my last reading in NYC as a New Yorker. The reading is at 18+, 7 p.m. It's free, and Purple Passion is at 211 West 20th Street. Official details on D.L. King's blog. My story is about a dinner party turned kinky foreplay and what happens afteard, and is called "Subdar" and there's a brief snippet below. See you there!
From "Subdar" by me
Some people like to think they have gaydar; Quinn knew she had subdar. She could tell within a minute of meeting a guy whether he was less interested in sitting across from her, staring passionately into her eyes, or perhaps taking her across his knee for a sadistic spanking, than in kneeling at her feet, head lowered, ready to bend over and grant her access to his beautiful bottom, or bend further and kiss, lick and all-around worship her feet. She had a hunch for which men wanted to be blindfolded, bound, stripped bare in every sense of the word, handing over their autonomy to her to do with as she pleased. She could tell which were the types who wanted her to stop them in mid-sentence with a well-timed pinch of their arm; a warning hand resting on their cheek, threatening to slap it, in private or public; or fingers digging in to the back of their neck, sending them halfway to ecstasy. It was a game she played when she was bored, whether sitting in traffic, at the real estate office amongst her coworkers, shopping in the mall—it wasn’t hard to tell the subs amongst the men waiting with their wives’ purses next to them in the department stores—or, like tonight, at a dinner party she was wishing she hadn’t agreed to attend.
Subdar wasn’t a skill she could teach other women, and even if she could keep, she wasn’t interested in sharing her secrets. It was more of an innate talent, something honed by over twenty years as a practicing dominant woman, from her first lover, Martin, in college, who’d begged to eat her pussy for hours, who she loved to tease by tying him up and using all manner of vibrators while he watched, helpless with desire, to the other men who’d longed to suck the cock she loved to wear – wanted her to spank them hard and put collars around their beefy necks, and generally got off on giving in to her in every way. Something inside her, something more than just her pussy, lit up in the mere presence of such a man, even if he was already under orders from another woman. Seeing a man catering to a woman fed something in her soul, made her feel at home, no matter whether it was an elegant woman in heels towering over her husband or simply one who knew how to twist her man to get her way.
Dominant women aren’t always the bitch goddesses they seemed in pop culture; true dommes know there are infinite ways to get what you want, and sometimes all it takes is a wicked smile or a hint of a whisper. Quinn considered herself a spy when out and about in mixed company, always searching for her peers, or a single man aching for nothing more than a woman to put him in his place. There were few things in life that gave Quinn the same kind of satisfaction as surveying a room and making eye contact with a man who fit her profile, who could feel the energy passing from her body to his. It made her wet every single time.
April 8, 2013
Jen Sincero made me do it
I told you how big a fan I am of the forthcoming book
You Are a Badass
by Jen Sincero, but I wanted to share some ways it's influenced my thinking and actions recently.
1. Thursday night, I had just landed in Toronto, was in the depths of my cold's fogginess, and decided I wanted the kale salad at Lola's Kitchen. Somehow, in my haste, though I said Church Street when entering the taxi, I'd typed "College" on my phone so wound up having to take an extra long cab ride. When I realized we were going in the wrong direction, I lost it. I started crying. I was so mad at myself because I was tired and hungry and sick, and that meant I would miss the Feminist Porn Awards pre-party at Good for Her, which I then thought was a signal that my whole endeavor covering the awards would be a failure. I considered skipping dinner and going straight to the party, but instead, I went to the restaurant and had orange juice and watermelon juice and nachos and purple kale salad and was still a bit delirious when I got to that night's screening, but at a certain point I gave up on the idea of going to the party. I let it go. I realized I had to be in that moment, taking care of myself, in order to be present for the rest of the weekend.
2. Last year, an incident occurred in which I was asked to not attend an event. That's all you need to know for the purposes of this post, because what I want to talk about is my reaction. I was hurt, angry and upset, but instead of standing up for myself, I caved. I thought, This person is right, and I will do what is being asked, even though it went against my core values. Even though I didn't have any respect for that person before that moment and certainly didn't afterward. But because I caved, because I assumed that if that was being asked of me that that is what I deserved, I lost out. The upside is that, after I spent much too long agonizing about the unfairness of this situation, I realized that this didn't mean I didn't belong in that world at all, and that if I wanted to belong, all I had to do was invite myself. It's a free country, after all. So I did, and you know what? Just by virtue of showing up, I have been educated, enlightened and entertained by that world. I've gotten so much back from simply showing up, and all of it has served to validate me that I don't need anyone's permission, and that anyone who would seek to exclude me isn't someone I should waste even a millisecond on. So I stopped, and my life has been so much freer, mentally and in other ways, since I stopped caring. Putting my energy into the wrong places and people is a way to zap me of my strength, and I need every last ounce of it. This idea of letting go of your past to be a better person in the present and future is a key one in the book, and one I keep having to reapply and remind myself of its total truth.
3. I was at the coat check at the Feminist Porn Awards, and the cost was $2 Canadian. Someone in front of me only had U.S. currency and they were going to let her pay with that, but I had a $5 Canadian bill, so I just paid for her (and tipped the extra $1). I'm not saying this was a revolutionary act, but it made me feel good, and hopefully made her feel good, and it was inspired by reading Sincero and realizing that I can take action at this very moment to get to where I want to be. Not every action is huge and grand, but each is a building block, like weight lifting, where the smaller actions gradually come together and create a whole greater than the sum of its parts.
4. I am a creature of habit and love routines, which so often become ingrained to the point that when life throws up an obstacle I freak out. Like last night, when I went to get on the J train at JFK and found it closed for the weekend. I'm still recovering from a cold and pretty exhausted and was cursing myself and the MTA and wondering if I should turn around and take a cab. Instead, I got on the E train and discovered that I could take it to the G train, which is also near my home, and I got there in probably the same amount of time my normal route would've taken. I only let myself freak out for a few second, I didn't cry or throw a tantrum or feel like the world was against me. I just thought, so this is what it's like to be back in NYC, and got on the train, and had a seat the whole time, on both trains.
5. Today it was stating succinctly, and fully believing, "I can't afford travel unless I have a paid speaking gig attached to it." Because it's not just that the times I've done that I've wasted money; it's that I've put myself out as someone who doesn't deserve to get paid, and that means that gigs can get canceled at the drop of a hat, because there's no contract, because I haven't put it out into the universe that I'm a businesswoman and, while a creative soul, I need to make a living if I'm going to continue doing the work that I do. It means that when I spend money in ways that don't either further my business or add something as valuable as their price to my personal life, I am selling myself short, thereby enabling others to do so, because I haven't demanded more. This switch in thinking about money is going to be a long slot, but is one I am realizing that, if I ever want to be a parent, I need to enact immediately. Not just because I don't want to set a horrible precedent for my children around money, I want to be able to raise them in a way that affords me the time and energy to take care of them to the best of my abilities.
1. Thursday night, I had just landed in Toronto, was in the depths of my cold's fogginess, and decided I wanted the kale salad at Lola's Kitchen. Somehow, in my haste, though I said Church Street when entering the taxi, I'd typed "College" on my phone so wound up having to take an extra long cab ride. When I realized we were going in the wrong direction, I lost it. I started crying. I was so mad at myself because I was tired and hungry and sick, and that meant I would miss the Feminist Porn Awards pre-party at Good for Her, which I then thought was a signal that my whole endeavor covering the awards would be a failure. I considered skipping dinner and going straight to the party, but instead, I went to the restaurant and had orange juice and watermelon juice and nachos and purple kale salad and was still a bit delirious when I got to that night's screening, but at a certain point I gave up on the idea of going to the party. I let it go. I realized I had to be in that moment, taking care of myself, in order to be present for the rest of the weekend.
2. Last year, an incident occurred in which I was asked to not attend an event. That's all you need to know for the purposes of this post, because what I want to talk about is my reaction. I was hurt, angry and upset, but instead of standing up for myself, I caved. I thought, This person is right, and I will do what is being asked, even though it went against my core values. Even though I didn't have any respect for that person before that moment and certainly didn't afterward. But because I caved, because I assumed that if that was being asked of me that that is what I deserved, I lost out. The upside is that, after I spent much too long agonizing about the unfairness of this situation, I realized that this didn't mean I didn't belong in that world at all, and that if I wanted to belong, all I had to do was invite myself. It's a free country, after all. So I did, and you know what? Just by virtue of showing up, I have been educated, enlightened and entertained by that world. I've gotten so much back from simply showing up, and all of it has served to validate me that I don't need anyone's permission, and that anyone who would seek to exclude me isn't someone I should waste even a millisecond on. So I stopped, and my life has been so much freer, mentally and in other ways, since I stopped caring. Putting my energy into the wrong places and people is a way to zap me of my strength, and I need every last ounce of it. This idea of letting go of your past to be a better person in the present and future is a key one in the book, and one I keep having to reapply and remind myself of its total truth.
3. I was at the coat check at the Feminist Porn Awards, and the cost was $2 Canadian. Someone in front of me only had U.S. currency and they were going to let her pay with that, but I had a $5 Canadian bill, so I just paid for her (and tipped the extra $1). I'm not saying this was a revolutionary act, but it made me feel good, and hopefully made her feel good, and it was inspired by reading Sincero and realizing that I can take action at this very moment to get to where I want to be. Not every action is huge and grand, but each is a building block, like weight lifting, where the smaller actions gradually come together and create a whole greater than the sum of its parts.
4. I am a creature of habit and love routines, which so often become ingrained to the point that when life throws up an obstacle I freak out. Like last night, when I went to get on the J train at JFK and found it closed for the weekend. I'm still recovering from a cold and pretty exhausted and was cursing myself and the MTA and wondering if I should turn around and take a cab. Instead, I got on the E train and discovered that I could take it to the G train, which is also near my home, and I got there in probably the same amount of time my normal route would've taken. I only let myself freak out for a few second, I didn't cry or throw a tantrum or feel like the world was against me. I just thought, so this is what it's like to be back in NYC, and got on the train, and had a seat the whole time, on both trains.
5. Today it was stating succinctly, and fully believing, "I can't afford travel unless I have a paid speaking gig attached to it." Because it's not just that the times I've done that I've wasted money; it's that I've put myself out as someone who doesn't deserve to get paid, and that means that gigs can get canceled at the drop of a hat, because there's no contract, because I haven't put it out into the universe that I'm a businesswoman and, while a creative soul, I need to make a living if I'm going to continue doing the work that I do. It means that when I spend money in ways that don't either further my business or add something as valuable as their price to my personal life, I am selling myself short, thereby enabling others to do so, because I haven't demanded more. This switch in thinking about money is going to be a long slot, but is one I am realizing that, if I ever want to be a parent, I need to enact immediately. Not just because I don't want to set a horrible precedent for my children around money, I want to be able to raise them in a way that affords me the time and energy to take care of them to the best of my abilities.
Want a bookmark? I've got 'em!
Bookmarks! A first for me. Want one? Email me at rachelkb at gmail.com with “Bookmark” in the subject line and your name and address in the body. I'll also be bringing them Friday night to Purple Passion in NYC for the Under Her Thumb reading and to RT Convention in Kansas City in May.
April 7, 2013
3 new Audible audiobooks: Serving Him, Women in Lust, Suite Encounters
Now you can listen to BDSM erotica, women's erotica and hotel erotica thanks to Audible! to see all my Audible audiobooks and listen to free samples; click on book titles below to read the books' introductions and tables of contents. I love how many people are now listening to my and my authors' erotic writing! If you're new to Audible, you can listen FREE with a 30-day trial, more info at Amazon and Audible.
Serving Him: Sexy Stories of Submission
Buy Audiobook on Amazon or Audible, narrated by Joanna Knight, Charles Carr, Paula Jai Parker
Women in Lust
Buy Audiobook on Amazon or Audible, narrated by Cat Lyons
Suite Encounters: Hotel Sex Stories
Buy Audiobook on Amazon or Audible, narrated by Lili Tulip
Serving Him: Sexy Stories of Submission
Buy Audiobook on Amazon or Audible, narrated by Joanna Knight, Charles Carr, Paula Jai Parker
Women in Lust
Buy Audiobook on Amazon or Audible, narrated by Cat Lyons
Suite Encounters: Hotel Sex Stories
Buy Audiobook on Amazon or Audible, narrated by Lili Tulip
