Marc Tyler Nobleman's Blog, page 72
August 27, 2014
Unpublished pitches for “Nickelodeon” Magazine, part 5
From 2001 to its demise in 2009, I was a regular writer—and an even more regular pitcher—for the peerless Nickelodeon Magazine.
The editors had great taste, and I’m not saying that just because many became my friends. However, they made the occasional misstep…such as when they passed on the following ideas I pitched. (Warning: be prepared for the occasional outdated pop culture/technology reference.)
NOTE: Thou shalt not steal rejected ideas. Please ask permission to repost.
A Cold Reception
Useful signs to post at the entrance of your snow fort:
Sled Parking in RearSnow Scarves, Snow Boots, Snow EntranceLeave Hot Cocoa OutsideDon’t Bother Wiping FeetSnowmen Eat FreeToo Small? Build Your Own Ice to Meet YouManagement Not Responsible for Yellow Snow
Bored, the Plane
Travel magazines and barf bags are diverting for only so long. What else could airlines stick in the seat pocket in front of you to keep you entertained for the whole flight?
science lab kit to analyze what your chicken or pasta really isbullhorn so you can make your own announcements to fellow passengersmini-bowling set (ball and pins), for use in the aisle when “fasten seatbelt” sign is offmini-juggling set (balls and pins) for use when “fasten seatbelt” sign is onvideo camera so you can make your own airplane safety video earplugs—for your neighbors, when you sing
Halloween Year Round
Halloween has become so popular that other holidays are now combining Halloween customs with their own:
Thanksgiving—bobbing for apple pieIndependence Day—going door-to-door setting off fireworksGroundhog Day—dressing rodents in costumes before they predict the weatherValentine’s Day—giving chocolates to your sweetheart, and 200 neighborhood kidsEarth Day—Zombie-American Parade, saluting our undead citizens who live in the earth
Weather—or Not—to Forecast
How well do weather forecasters do when they’re trying to predict other things? Pretty well—sort of.
forecaster prediction correct? Storm Wilson “I will win the lottery.” Yes. He won $3 on a scratch off ticket (payable in 12 installments). Storm Povlaki “I will get promoted.” Yes. Now he covers weather for his whole town, not just one street. Storm Lopez “I will meet someone famous.” Yes. At the bank, she stood in line behind the woman who records the prompts of cell phone voice mail. Storm Tormé “I will go to the gym more often.” Yes. His wife joined and he picks her up there every other night. Storm Bates “I will narrowly escape death.” Yes. She got out of her son’s room just before the stench of dirty socks overpowered her. Storm McStorm “I will never get a weather forecast wrong.” No. On Monday, he said it would be partly cloudy. It was partly sunny.
Sweaty Birthday to You
Not only do July and August birthdays miss out on school parties, they’re much, much hotter. Here are some cards to send your poor pals whose world premieres were in the middle of summer.
Outside: Sorry I forgot your birthday, but it IS during summer vacation.
Inside: Then again, I would forget it if it was during the school year, too.
O: Since you have a summer birthday, this card is also a gift.
I: Wave it back and forth in front of your face. Ta-da! Instant fan.
O: Hope your birthday at the beach is more fun than mine was.
I: How could it not? I was born in January.
O: It’s going to be so hot on your birthday…
I: …that I bet the candles on your cake will just burst into flame without a match.
O: I didn’t forget your birthday! In fact, I got you a cake…
I: …which, since I’m in sleepover camp all summer, I can’t give you until the first day of school. Hope it stays fresh!
O: I’ll understand if you don’t invite me back to your birthday pool party this year…
I: …but I swear I didn’t know that ice cream cake melts in water.
Dum Dum Dum Tweedledum
Short, squat, and ready to chat! For the first time ever, Tweedledee of Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland fame sat down for an interview, and it was conducted by none other than Tweedledum.
Tweedledum: So are we A) twins, B) clones, or C) just friends with an odd resemblance?
Tweedledee: D.
Dum: I didn’t give you a choice D.
Dee: Drat.
Dum: Tell me something about you that everyone already knows.
Dee: Debonair.
Dum: I don’t know what that means. I need a—
Dee: Dictionary.
Dum: I was going to say “different word.”
Dee: Dummy.
Dum: Why are you named Tweedledee and not, say, Tweedledum?
Dee: Duh.
Dum: What is your favorite leafy vegetable?
Dee: Delicious.
Dum: Could you train a weasel to do a cartwheel?
Dee: Doubtful.
Dum: When I flick my own nose, do you find that funny?
Dee: Definitely.
Dum: What about when I flick your—
Dee: Don’t.
Teacher’s Pet’s Peeves
Teachers have pets, pets have peeves, so it’s only natural that teacher’s pets have peeves:when a math teacher’s centipede is forced to demonstrate the metric system to the classwhen an English teacher’s English sheepdog is criticized for barking ungrammatically when a science teacher’s guinea pig gets less attention than the ones at the labwhen a gym teacher’s chimp must do laps twice—once running, once swingingwhen a history teacher’s snake can’t slither anywhere without someone yelling “I won’t tread on you!”
Think Inside the Box
At zoos, the only thing you’ll see more than animals is signs—signs by humans, for humans. But a peek inside the cages reveals that signs are also posted by animals, for animals.
Hide for PhotographsNo Shirt, No Shoes, ServiceWhen Flinging Poop, Aim for the HeadTrainer Brings Food, NOT Trainer IS FoodThey Paid to See You—Demand a TipIf You Escape, Free the Rest TooDo Not Even Think of Barking Here
Weather Vain
News stations like to promote their meteorologists by shouting exciting phrases about them in their TV promos. Are these weather forecasters really as good as the descriptions—or rather, are the descriptions really as good as they sound? To find out, read each one aloud in your best TV announcer voice.
“Always right—somewhere in the world!”“Now forecasting with special machines, not just by looking up!”“Promises never to predict rain for the weekend, no matter what!”“The most accurate forecast a couple times a week!” “He’s never predicted a Hawaiian blizzard—and there’s never been one!”“Forecasts worse but dresses better than the guy at WHUH-TV!”
Hot Jobs
What do people with summer jobs do during the winter? We asked a few.
lifeguard: “I save anyone who falls into the lobster tank at a seafood restaurant.”amusement park ride operator: “I disassemble the Ferris wheel for storage. By the time I’m done, we’ve got to unpack it again.”pool cleaner: “I clean bathtubs, but instead of leaves, it’s empty shampoo bottles and baby toys.”camp counselor: “I eat all the kids’ care packages I confiscated last summer.”ice cream truck driver: “I drive the same truck but to sell earmuffs. It’s not going well.”
If Kids Named Crayon Colors
bloody nosebooger greenBlu-rayyellow snowif it’s brown flush it downblack eyewhite lie
PilgrIMing
Pilgrims and Native Americans may have been neighbors, but in some cases they weren’t exactly around the corner. How did they plan Thanksgiving without instant or text messaging? Even better—what if they did?
4father: what time do we eat?
inDin: when fire king has begun slow dance down sky
4father: ye huh?
inDin: 4 o’clock, gosh u pilgrims have no sense of nature
4father: we’ve got 2 rabbits and 1 fish, what u bringing?
inDin: 16 deer, 45 lobster, 18 barrels corn, 32 baskets squash
4father: ur tribe will have hands full taking all that
inDin: tribe? that’s just me, plus enough berries 2 fill mayflower
4father: well r governor will bring lots of sermons
inDin: ok but do u guys know how 2 cook?
4father: u guys taught us how 2 build, plant, fish, and hunt
inDin: plus swim, climb trees, make clothes, and dance
4father: uh, would b gr8 if u could show us how 2 start fire? (embarrassed smiley)
Lost Dough Flyers [“Lost Dog” with the “u” and “h” written in]
People who lose their dogs put up flyers. Why not people who lose their dough? Next time you find that sweet fiver or supersweet ten-spot in the parking lot, check around for flyers like these before you adopt it as your own:
example #1
LOST:
Five-Dollar Bill
serial number had a 4 in it, or maybe a 3
change from a ten I used to buy comic books
President Lincoln was honest. You should be too.
example #2:
LOST:
Nine One-Dollar Bills
last seen blowing down Park Lane
will not come when called and will not work in vending machines (too crumpled)
If found, throw in another single and I’ll give you a ten.
Leaving the Cel
When planning their first trip to Timbuktu, families often start by consulting a travel guidebook. When planning their first trip out of Timbuktoon, cartoons do the same! Here are some tips from No-Stress Visits to the Non-Animated World.
Be aware that every human being has the same catchphrase: “Beautiful day, isn’t it?” Don’t run through anyone’s door. Even if they think your body-shaped hole is amusing, they will still make you pay to fix it.Do not stand still and wait for another scene when the digital street sign changes from a red hand to person walking. It is not entertainment.If you have trouble chasing someone or being chased unless frantic music is playing, you will be disappointed time and again.Be prepared to wait around more than you’re used to. Humans eat, sleep, and go to the bathroom more than you do.
Before History Was a Subject
Fakeologists recently unearthed the first prehistoric report card ever discovered. Using the latest technology, they also figured out the modern equivalent of each subject. Here’s an exclusive glimpse:
key:
NG = not good
G = good
MG = more good
BG = best good
Grunting (modern subject equivalent: English)—G
Spear Throwing (gym)—MG
Animal Skinning (home economics)—NG
Cave Painting (art)—G
Tablet Carving (handwriting)—MG
Working with Pebbles (math)—NG
Tossing Sticks Up and Watching Them Fall (science)—G
Foreign Grunting (foreign language)—MG
Walking Upright (health)—BG
Comments:
Frung is a delight to have in class. He does have some trouble counting pebbles (though is very good at eating them). Sometimes tries to skin animals while they are still alive. Overall, he is evolving nicely.
The editors had great taste, and I’m not saying that just because many became my friends. However, they made the occasional misstep…such as when they passed on the following ideas I pitched. (Warning: be prepared for the occasional outdated pop culture/technology reference.)
NOTE: Thou shalt not steal rejected ideas. Please ask permission to repost.
A Cold Reception
Useful signs to post at the entrance of your snow fort:
Sled Parking in RearSnow Scarves, Snow Boots, Snow EntranceLeave Hot Cocoa OutsideDon’t Bother Wiping FeetSnowmen Eat FreeToo Small? Build Your Own Ice to Meet YouManagement Not Responsible for Yellow Snow
Bored, the Plane
Travel magazines and barf bags are diverting for only so long. What else could airlines stick in the seat pocket in front of you to keep you entertained for the whole flight?
science lab kit to analyze what your chicken or pasta really isbullhorn so you can make your own announcements to fellow passengersmini-bowling set (ball and pins), for use in the aisle when “fasten seatbelt” sign is offmini-juggling set (balls and pins) for use when “fasten seatbelt” sign is onvideo camera so you can make your own airplane safety video earplugs—for your neighbors, when you sing
Halloween Year Round
Halloween has become so popular that other holidays are now combining Halloween customs with their own:
Thanksgiving—bobbing for apple pieIndependence Day—going door-to-door setting off fireworksGroundhog Day—dressing rodents in costumes before they predict the weatherValentine’s Day—giving chocolates to your sweetheart, and 200 neighborhood kidsEarth Day—Zombie-American Parade, saluting our undead citizens who live in the earth
Weather—or Not—to Forecast
How well do weather forecasters do when they’re trying to predict other things? Pretty well—sort of.
forecaster prediction correct? Storm Wilson “I will win the lottery.” Yes. He won $3 on a scratch off ticket (payable in 12 installments). Storm Povlaki “I will get promoted.” Yes. Now he covers weather for his whole town, not just one street. Storm Lopez “I will meet someone famous.” Yes. At the bank, she stood in line behind the woman who records the prompts of cell phone voice mail. Storm Tormé “I will go to the gym more often.” Yes. His wife joined and he picks her up there every other night. Storm Bates “I will narrowly escape death.” Yes. She got out of her son’s room just before the stench of dirty socks overpowered her. Storm McStorm “I will never get a weather forecast wrong.” No. On Monday, he said it would be partly cloudy. It was partly sunny.
Sweaty Birthday to You
Not only do July and August birthdays miss out on school parties, they’re much, much hotter. Here are some cards to send your poor pals whose world premieres were in the middle of summer.
Outside: Sorry I forgot your birthday, but it IS during summer vacation.
Inside: Then again, I would forget it if it was during the school year, too.
O: Since you have a summer birthday, this card is also a gift.
I: Wave it back and forth in front of your face. Ta-da! Instant fan.
O: Hope your birthday at the beach is more fun than mine was.
I: How could it not? I was born in January.
O: It’s going to be so hot on your birthday…
I: …that I bet the candles on your cake will just burst into flame without a match.
O: I didn’t forget your birthday! In fact, I got you a cake…
I: …which, since I’m in sleepover camp all summer, I can’t give you until the first day of school. Hope it stays fresh!
O: I’ll understand if you don’t invite me back to your birthday pool party this year…
I: …but I swear I didn’t know that ice cream cake melts in water.
Dum Dum Dum Tweedledum
Short, squat, and ready to chat! For the first time ever, Tweedledee of Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland fame sat down for an interview, and it was conducted by none other than Tweedledum.
Tweedledum: So are we A) twins, B) clones, or C) just friends with an odd resemblance?
Tweedledee: D.
Dum: I didn’t give you a choice D.
Dee: Drat.
Dum: Tell me something about you that everyone already knows.
Dee: Debonair.
Dum: I don’t know what that means. I need a—
Dee: Dictionary.
Dum: I was going to say “different word.”
Dee: Dummy.
Dum: Why are you named Tweedledee and not, say, Tweedledum?
Dee: Duh.
Dum: What is your favorite leafy vegetable?
Dee: Delicious.
Dum: Could you train a weasel to do a cartwheel?
Dee: Doubtful.
Dum: When I flick my own nose, do you find that funny?
Dee: Definitely.
Dum: What about when I flick your—
Dee: Don’t.
Teacher’s Pet’s Peeves
Teachers have pets, pets have peeves, so it’s only natural that teacher’s pets have peeves:when a math teacher’s centipede is forced to demonstrate the metric system to the classwhen an English teacher’s English sheepdog is criticized for barking ungrammatically when a science teacher’s guinea pig gets less attention than the ones at the labwhen a gym teacher’s chimp must do laps twice—once running, once swingingwhen a history teacher’s snake can’t slither anywhere without someone yelling “I won’t tread on you!”
Think Inside the Box
At zoos, the only thing you’ll see more than animals is signs—signs by humans, for humans. But a peek inside the cages reveals that signs are also posted by animals, for animals.
Hide for PhotographsNo Shirt, No Shoes, ServiceWhen Flinging Poop, Aim for the HeadTrainer Brings Food, NOT Trainer IS FoodThey Paid to See You—Demand a TipIf You Escape, Free the Rest TooDo Not Even Think of Barking Here
Weather Vain
News stations like to promote their meteorologists by shouting exciting phrases about them in their TV promos. Are these weather forecasters really as good as the descriptions—or rather, are the descriptions really as good as they sound? To find out, read each one aloud in your best TV announcer voice.
“Always right—somewhere in the world!”“Now forecasting with special machines, not just by looking up!”“Promises never to predict rain for the weekend, no matter what!”“The most accurate forecast a couple times a week!” “He’s never predicted a Hawaiian blizzard—and there’s never been one!”“Forecasts worse but dresses better than the guy at WHUH-TV!”
Hot Jobs
What do people with summer jobs do during the winter? We asked a few.
lifeguard: “I save anyone who falls into the lobster tank at a seafood restaurant.”amusement park ride operator: “I disassemble the Ferris wheel for storage. By the time I’m done, we’ve got to unpack it again.”pool cleaner: “I clean bathtubs, but instead of leaves, it’s empty shampoo bottles and baby toys.”camp counselor: “I eat all the kids’ care packages I confiscated last summer.”ice cream truck driver: “I drive the same truck but to sell earmuffs. It’s not going well.”
If Kids Named Crayon Colors
bloody nosebooger greenBlu-rayyellow snowif it’s brown flush it downblack eyewhite lie
PilgrIMing
Pilgrims and Native Americans may have been neighbors, but in some cases they weren’t exactly around the corner. How did they plan Thanksgiving without instant or text messaging? Even better—what if they did?
4father: what time do we eat?
inDin: when fire king has begun slow dance down sky
4father: ye huh?
inDin: 4 o’clock, gosh u pilgrims have no sense of nature
4father: we’ve got 2 rabbits and 1 fish, what u bringing?
inDin: 16 deer, 45 lobster, 18 barrels corn, 32 baskets squash
4father: ur tribe will have hands full taking all that
inDin: tribe? that’s just me, plus enough berries 2 fill mayflower
4father: well r governor will bring lots of sermons
inDin: ok but do u guys know how 2 cook?
4father: u guys taught us how 2 build, plant, fish, and hunt
inDin: plus swim, climb trees, make clothes, and dance
4father: uh, would b gr8 if u could show us how 2 start fire? (embarrassed smiley)
Lost Dough Flyers [“Lost Dog” with the “u” and “h” written in]
People who lose their dogs put up flyers. Why not people who lose their dough? Next time you find that sweet fiver or supersweet ten-spot in the parking lot, check around for flyers like these before you adopt it as your own:
example #1
LOST:
Five-Dollar Bill
serial number had a 4 in it, or maybe a 3
change from a ten I used to buy comic books
President Lincoln was honest. You should be too.
example #2:
LOST:
Nine One-Dollar Bills
last seen blowing down Park Lane
will not come when called and will not work in vending machines (too crumpled)
If found, throw in another single and I’ll give you a ten.
Leaving the Cel
When planning their first trip to Timbuktu, families often start by consulting a travel guidebook. When planning their first trip out of Timbuktoon, cartoons do the same! Here are some tips from No-Stress Visits to the Non-Animated World.
Be aware that every human being has the same catchphrase: “Beautiful day, isn’t it?” Don’t run through anyone’s door. Even if they think your body-shaped hole is amusing, they will still make you pay to fix it.Do not stand still and wait for another scene when the digital street sign changes from a red hand to person walking. It is not entertainment.If you have trouble chasing someone or being chased unless frantic music is playing, you will be disappointed time and again.Be prepared to wait around more than you’re used to. Humans eat, sleep, and go to the bathroom more than you do.
Before History Was a Subject
Fakeologists recently unearthed the first prehistoric report card ever discovered. Using the latest technology, they also figured out the modern equivalent of each subject. Here’s an exclusive glimpse:
key:
NG = not good
G = good
MG = more good
BG = best good
Grunting (modern subject equivalent: English)—G
Spear Throwing (gym)—MG
Animal Skinning (home economics)—NG
Cave Painting (art)—G
Tablet Carving (handwriting)—MG
Working with Pebbles (math)—NG
Tossing Sticks Up and Watching Them Fall (science)—G
Foreign Grunting (foreign language)—MG
Walking Upright (health)—BG
Comments:
Frung is a delight to have in class. He does have some trouble counting pebbles (though is very good at eating them). Sometimes tries to skin animals while they are still alive. Overall, he is evolving nicely.
August 26, 2014
Unpublished pitches for “Nickelodeon” Magazine, part 4
From 2001 to its demise in 2009, I was a regular writer—and an even more regular pitcher—for the peerless Nickelodeon Magazine.
The editors had great taste, and I’m not saying that just because many became my friends. However, they made the occasional misstep…such as when they passed on the following ideas I pitched. (Warning: be prepared for the occasional outdated pop culture/technology reference.)
NOTE: Thou shalt not steal rejected ideas. Please ask permission to repost.
Holidays in the Summer Haze
Fall has Labor Day, Columbus Day, Veterans Day, Halloween, Thanksgiving...
Winter has Christmas, Chanukah, Kwanzaa, New Year’s, Martin Luther King Jr. Day, Groundhog Day, Valentine’s Day, Presidents’ Day...
Spring has Passover, Easter, April Fool’s, May Day, Mother’s Day, Memorial Day, Father’s Day...
Summer has Independence Day and...well, that’s pretty much it.
June, July, and August need some more spark! Here are special occasions that could bring joy throughout the heat-bringing season:
Last Day of School: June 15—instead of going to school and doing nothing all day (a last-day-of-school tradition), why not just make it a holiday, stay home, and do nothing?Fake Day: June 31—a day set aside to inspire us to be creative, plus adds one more day to summer vacationLunch Man Day: July 19—to acknowledge the men who help the more celebrated lunch ladies keep us fed Armadillo Day: August 2—a companion holiday to Groundhog Day (six months apart); if an armadillo sees his shadow, that’s six more weeks of summer…okay, make it eight more weeksMadonna’s Birthday: August 16—she’s world-famous but her birthday is world-ignored; besides, one of her first hits (way back before you were born) was “Holiday”
Money Symbols Explained
The front of U.S. currency has a bunch of famous Americans. The back has famous American images of…huh? Whatzat? Yeah, we didn’t know either…so we did some research:
dollar bill: pyramid with top that is detached, floating, and sporting a glowing eye
explanation: Before Mt. Vernon, George Washington slept here. In his day, not even Founding Fathers had indoor plumbing but all of them had magical rooftops.
dime: two plants and a torch
explanation: This is a barbecue, early colonial style. Pre-burgers and grills, the settlers settled for roasting dry leaves over a torch. Luckily they did already have savory tomato pudding—AKA ketchup.
The First Reality Show?
In the 1980s, little blue dwarves called the Smurfs dominated Saturday morning. They lived in mushroom houses and sang in squeaky pitches. Strange as it seems, this old cartoon may have been the inspiration for almost every modern reality show.
Smurfact Reality show rip-offs many males and one female The Bachelorette group cut off from society Survivor painful singing part of every episode American Idol every character boiled down to one characteristic The Real World overuse of annoying catch-phrase (“smurf”) The Apprentice (“You’re fired!”) brave souls regularly confront something big and scary Fear Factor a couple of dimwits in the sticks surrounded by others who may look different but are identically dimwitted The Simple Life Vanity Smurf The Swan
DVDs OOC (Out of Control)
Most DVDs include more than just a movie or TV show. However, many people feel the that the extras are getting out of hand. Here are some recent bonus features that should be renamed bogus features:
Forget alternate endings. Introducing alternate actors. You can watch the same movie, but with a choice of six other casts.A montage of things you could’ve been doing instead of watching it.A review of scenes that were not deleted but should’ve been.Instructions on how to assemble a baby crib (sold separately).A documentary on the making-of documentary about the film.
Kidstitution of the United States
The Constitution manages to be both inspiring and overwhelming at the same time—let’s face it, we’re thankful for all that freedom but couldn’t they have shortened it just a tad? What good is freedom if you spend all that time just trying to get to the end? And they really wrote all this without a computer? Here’s a kid-sized version:
The game is government and we’re going to pick teams: the Senate and the House of Representatives. But they don’t fight each other. Well, sometimes.You can’t be a kid and get on one of these teams. Former kids are eligible, though.Work hard ‘cause we’re taking some of that money you earn. Hey, if you don’t like it, there’s plenty of room in Canada.Anyone can change any of this if he has a decent idea and tries hard enough. Don’t be surprised if hundreds of other people want to shoot it down. They’re just jealous.Your government will talk to foreign governments on your behalf. If you have anything to say to Greenland, just go through us, please. We’re going to design the money and your suggestions are not really necessary.Don’t know how long these pirates are going to last as long as they’re around, we’re gonna kick their butts.
Big Scream TV
Can TV screens get any more huge? Think of these disadvantages and possible risks.
The nearby airport complains your TV is too noisy.You might have to buy the TV first, then build a house around it.Strangers may crowd into your living room thinking it’s a movie theater.The remote control that goes with it is the size of a pillow.The TV shows are not long or wide enough to fill the screen, so continuous ads take up the rest of the space.No room will be spacious enough for both the TV and a couch, so you’ll have to watch standing up.Your electricity bill is as big as the box the TV came in.You can see the TV from the bedroom…of your cousin who lives in the next state.
Dumb Dumb Dumb DUMB
Some people say there’s no such thing as a stupid question. That may be, but what about the answers? We’ve noticed four kinds: smart, stupid, stupider, and stupidest. Here’s a guide to your choices:
question smart stupid stupider stupidest How are you? Fine, thanks. And yourself? Better than you. I’m good. No, I’m bad. Wait, I’m good. Actually, I have no clue. I are great. What’s your name? My name is [your name]. It’s the word people call me. What are you, the FBI? Uh…let me check the label my mom sewed into my underwear. What are you doing? Cleaning my room. Cleaning my brother’s room. Cleaning my nose hairs. Cleaning my cleaning supplies. What time is it? It’s [whatever] o’clock. Time to party! Same time as it was 96 hours ago. Sixty-one o’clock. (show a watch with one hand on the six and the other on the one) May I help you? Yes, thank you. That depends—do you know long division? I don’t think so. You don’t work here. Not right now, but give me your e-mail and I’ll let you know when you can.
Summer or Later
Are you one of those kids who says summer vacation is too short? Too short for what exactly? Did you not have enough time to…
...sleep late?
...watch the same cartoons over and over?
...stay indoors to avoid the brutal heat?
...ignore household chores while your parents are working?
...get stung by bees?
...try but fail to set up a tent in your backyard?
...beg your parents to install a swimming pool?
Maybe next summer.
A Life in the Day (oops, a Day in the Life) of Someone Stupid
(a full page comic strip, each with a different vignette exemplifying the peak of stupidity)
panel 1: guy sitting in bed with lumps under his blanket where his lap is, the lumps should be shaped like common breakfast items, i.e. glass, bowl, all on a tray; thought bubble: “Breakfast in bed!”panel 2: same guy on digital scale, weight is 155; thought bubble: “Hey, this thing is broken. I’m nowhere near that old!”panel 3: handing bundled newspaper to paperboy on bike who obviously just threw it on his front step; word bubble: “You dropped your newspaper, young man.”panel 4: entering cubicle where chair has swiveled in opposite direction of desk; word bubble to guy in hall: “Harry, my chair’s facing the wrong way. Can you give me a hand moving my desk?”panel 5: at soda vending machine; he’s on his knees sticking a straw into the change slot and trying to sip; thought bubble: “I’ve been here 10 minutes. How long do I have to wait before the soda comes out?”panel 6: in parking lot where only one car is left; thought bubble: “Now where did I park?”panel 7: at supermarket, in 10 items or fewer line with a cart overflowing with dozens of items; word bubble to cashier: “I’m over? Sorry, I can’t count in my head.”panel 8: sitting on couch staring at TV table with no TV on it, holding remote control; caption: Lots of people lose the remote, but not this guy. He lost the TV.panel 9: going to bed wearing his pajama pants on top and his pajama shirt on the bottom
Newsstand in Fantasyland
How do centaurs keep up to date on world affairs? Where do harpies look for home decorating tips? Just like we do, Fantasyland has a magazine for everything.
Evil Housekeeping—recipes and advice for the goblin housewifeTrolling Stone—the latest news in rock (meaning creatures that live among rocks, like trolls)Boosweek—the leading source of current events for ghostsSphinx Illustrated—a photographic look at the world of half-human, half-lionsVanity Fairy—long articles about glamorous fairies and their scandalous livesMagickolodeon—what all witches read to learn all about old-fashioned magickCC Guide—the weekly rundown of all forest performances by various creepy-crawlies
Thanksgiving: The Deleted Scenes
Imagine if there was a DVD of the big 1621 harvest feast that kicked off the whole Thanksgiving thing? Well, for starters, it wouldn’t all fit on one DVD—the gathering lasted three days, for gobble’s sake. Here are some centuries-old scenes that may nonetheless make it onto ye olde director’s cutte.
the thrilling attempt by both Pilgrims and Natives to capture a particularly large goose for the meal—yes, a literal wild goose chasePilgrim kids daring Native kids to eat their most disgusting type of food, and vice versathe Pilgrims realizing a lot more Native Americans than expected were going to show up, and then frantically building more benches to seat them alla Pilgrim making the typical “V” finger formation over the head of an Indian whose feathers make the same formation—so it’s a V over a Van impromptu game of a primitive version of football, only they didn’t have footballs, so they used a bootthe whole group trying to pose for a portrait—not as quick as getting a photo taken…
In the Nick of Time
How could two things with the same name be so different—or so similar? We compared our very own Nickelodeon Magazine to the old-time nickelodeons that played records to find out. (Hey, maybe that’s where the name came from!)
nickelodeon the jukebox: cost five cents to play a record Nickelodeon the magazine: costs five cents to purchase, plus a $3.94 service charge
nickelodeon the jukebox: had a slot to put a coin in Nickelodeon the magazine: can fill through a mailbox slot
nickelodeon the jukebox: played phonographs by popular artists Nickelodeon the magazine: publishes photographs of popular stars
nickelodeon the jukebox: designed to hold only one record at a time Nickelodeon the magazine: designed to feature only one theme per issue
nickelodeon the jukebox: debuted in San Francisco Nickelodeon the magazine: sold in San Francisco
nickelodeon the jukebox: there were no speakers, so only a few people could listen at one time, using earphones Nickelodeon the magazine: there are no speakers, or sound for that matter, so only a few people can read an issue at the same time; earphones optional
Coming Soon to a Town Where You Live
You’re not eligible for a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame for two reasons: you don’t live in Hollywood (except for you) and you’re not famous (except for you). Therefore, create your own Hometown Walk of Fame by filling out your name and most entertaining achievement on this star, cutting it out, and taping it somewhere where people will look down on it. To build a bigger walk, ask your friends to do the same with the stars in their copies of this magazine.
The Fine Print
Contest rules are printed very, very small and take up many, many lines at the bottom. To this day, there are only two known people who have read them to the end, and one is the lady who wrote them. Here are some of the surprises and stumpers the other guy has reported while recovering from his squint-reduction surgery:
Everyone knows that “No purchase necessary to win” comes first. But later on it adds “Still, it’d be really nice.”A few lines after the instruction to write in blue or black ink is another saying, “Okay, you can use red, too, but please, no hearts as dots over the ‘I’s.”One rule that seems like it should be near the top but isn’t is “Don’t enter contest unless you want to get mail from us for the rest of your life.”For some reason, a couple of rules for tetherball show up about three-fifths of the way down.The last line: “To be continued in rules of next contest.”
Welcome to the Wild Wild Mess
Are you too messy? If this page is already so smudged that you can’t read these words, then yes. If not, the answer may still be yes. Take this quiz to find out.
1. Some of my fingers are currently stuck together by:
- glue
- sap
- brownie batter
- unknown blue substance
2. I sleep on a:
- bed covered with unwashed sheets
- bed covered with unwashed sheets and other laundry
- pile of unwashed laundry with no bed underneath
- small patch of dirt on the floor
3. The first thing I do after I sneeze is:
- wipe my nose on my sleeve
- wipe some of the phlegm that landed on my sleeve onto other parts of my clothes
- compare what comes out with the mucus collection I keep on my nightstand
- say “Excuse me,” then do all of the above
4. When you see a seat in your local movie theater stained with soda, you think:
- “Wow—it’s the exact same shape as the stain on my jeans!”
- “That reminds me of the stain I made two rows back and four seats over.”
- “It’s as if this seat was waiting for me.”
- Nothing. If there wasn’t a stain, you’d worry.
If you answered any of these questions instead of running outside to jump in mud puddles, then you’re not at all too messy.
The editors had great taste, and I’m not saying that just because many became my friends. However, they made the occasional misstep…such as when they passed on the following ideas I pitched. (Warning: be prepared for the occasional outdated pop culture/technology reference.)
NOTE: Thou shalt not steal rejected ideas. Please ask permission to repost.
Holidays in the Summer Haze
Fall has Labor Day, Columbus Day, Veterans Day, Halloween, Thanksgiving...
Winter has Christmas, Chanukah, Kwanzaa, New Year’s, Martin Luther King Jr. Day, Groundhog Day, Valentine’s Day, Presidents’ Day...
Spring has Passover, Easter, April Fool’s, May Day, Mother’s Day, Memorial Day, Father’s Day...
Summer has Independence Day and...well, that’s pretty much it.
June, July, and August need some more spark! Here are special occasions that could bring joy throughout the heat-bringing season:
Last Day of School: June 15—instead of going to school and doing nothing all day (a last-day-of-school tradition), why not just make it a holiday, stay home, and do nothing?Fake Day: June 31—a day set aside to inspire us to be creative, plus adds one more day to summer vacationLunch Man Day: July 19—to acknowledge the men who help the more celebrated lunch ladies keep us fed Armadillo Day: August 2—a companion holiday to Groundhog Day (six months apart); if an armadillo sees his shadow, that’s six more weeks of summer…okay, make it eight more weeksMadonna’s Birthday: August 16—she’s world-famous but her birthday is world-ignored; besides, one of her first hits (way back before you were born) was “Holiday”
Money Symbols Explained
The front of U.S. currency has a bunch of famous Americans. The back has famous American images of…huh? Whatzat? Yeah, we didn’t know either…so we did some research:
dollar bill: pyramid with top that is detached, floating, and sporting a glowing eye
explanation: Before Mt. Vernon, George Washington slept here. In his day, not even Founding Fathers had indoor plumbing but all of them had magical rooftops.
dime: two plants and a torch
explanation: This is a barbecue, early colonial style. Pre-burgers and grills, the settlers settled for roasting dry leaves over a torch. Luckily they did already have savory tomato pudding—AKA ketchup.
The First Reality Show?
In the 1980s, little blue dwarves called the Smurfs dominated Saturday morning. They lived in mushroom houses and sang in squeaky pitches. Strange as it seems, this old cartoon may have been the inspiration for almost every modern reality show.
Smurfact Reality show rip-offs many males and one female The Bachelorette group cut off from society Survivor painful singing part of every episode American Idol every character boiled down to one characteristic The Real World overuse of annoying catch-phrase (“smurf”) The Apprentice (“You’re fired!”) brave souls regularly confront something big and scary Fear Factor a couple of dimwits in the sticks surrounded by others who may look different but are identically dimwitted The Simple Life Vanity Smurf The Swan
DVDs OOC (Out of Control)
Most DVDs include more than just a movie or TV show. However, many people feel the that the extras are getting out of hand. Here are some recent bonus features that should be renamed bogus features:
Forget alternate endings. Introducing alternate actors. You can watch the same movie, but with a choice of six other casts.A montage of things you could’ve been doing instead of watching it.A review of scenes that were not deleted but should’ve been.Instructions on how to assemble a baby crib (sold separately).A documentary on the making-of documentary about the film.
Kidstitution of the United States
The Constitution manages to be both inspiring and overwhelming at the same time—let’s face it, we’re thankful for all that freedom but couldn’t they have shortened it just a tad? What good is freedom if you spend all that time just trying to get to the end? And they really wrote all this without a computer? Here’s a kid-sized version:
The game is government and we’re going to pick teams: the Senate and the House of Representatives. But they don’t fight each other. Well, sometimes.You can’t be a kid and get on one of these teams. Former kids are eligible, though.Work hard ‘cause we’re taking some of that money you earn. Hey, if you don’t like it, there’s plenty of room in Canada.Anyone can change any of this if he has a decent idea and tries hard enough. Don’t be surprised if hundreds of other people want to shoot it down. They’re just jealous.Your government will talk to foreign governments on your behalf. If you have anything to say to Greenland, just go through us, please. We’re going to design the money and your suggestions are not really necessary.Don’t know how long these pirates are going to last as long as they’re around, we’re gonna kick their butts.
Big Scream TV
Can TV screens get any more huge? Think of these disadvantages and possible risks.
The nearby airport complains your TV is too noisy.You might have to buy the TV first, then build a house around it.Strangers may crowd into your living room thinking it’s a movie theater.The remote control that goes with it is the size of a pillow.The TV shows are not long or wide enough to fill the screen, so continuous ads take up the rest of the space.No room will be spacious enough for both the TV and a couch, so you’ll have to watch standing up.Your electricity bill is as big as the box the TV came in.You can see the TV from the bedroom…of your cousin who lives in the next state.
Dumb Dumb Dumb DUMB
Some people say there’s no such thing as a stupid question. That may be, but what about the answers? We’ve noticed four kinds: smart, stupid, stupider, and stupidest. Here’s a guide to your choices:
question smart stupid stupider stupidest How are you? Fine, thanks. And yourself? Better than you. I’m good. No, I’m bad. Wait, I’m good. Actually, I have no clue. I are great. What’s your name? My name is [your name]. It’s the word people call me. What are you, the FBI? Uh…let me check the label my mom sewed into my underwear. What are you doing? Cleaning my room. Cleaning my brother’s room. Cleaning my nose hairs. Cleaning my cleaning supplies. What time is it? It’s [whatever] o’clock. Time to party! Same time as it was 96 hours ago. Sixty-one o’clock. (show a watch with one hand on the six and the other on the one) May I help you? Yes, thank you. That depends—do you know long division? I don’t think so. You don’t work here. Not right now, but give me your e-mail and I’ll let you know when you can.
Summer or Later
Are you one of those kids who says summer vacation is too short? Too short for what exactly? Did you not have enough time to…
...sleep late?
...watch the same cartoons over and over?
...stay indoors to avoid the brutal heat?
...ignore household chores while your parents are working?
...get stung by bees?
...try but fail to set up a tent in your backyard?
...beg your parents to install a swimming pool?
Maybe next summer.
A Life in the Day (oops, a Day in the Life) of Someone Stupid
(a full page comic strip, each with a different vignette exemplifying the peak of stupidity)
panel 1: guy sitting in bed with lumps under his blanket where his lap is, the lumps should be shaped like common breakfast items, i.e. glass, bowl, all on a tray; thought bubble: “Breakfast in bed!”panel 2: same guy on digital scale, weight is 155; thought bubble: “Hey, this thing is broken. I’m nowhere near that old!”panel 3: handing bundled newspaper to paperboy on bike who obviously just threw it on his front step; word bubble: “You dropped your newspaper, young man.”panel 4: entering cubicle where chair has swiveled in opposite direction of desk; word bubble to guy in hall: “Harry, my chair’s facing the wrong way. Can you give me a hand moving my desk?”panel 5: at soda vending machine; he’s on his knees sticking a straw into the change slot and trying to sip; thought bubble: “I’ve been here 10 minutes. How long do I have to wait before the soda comes out?”panel 6: in parking lot where only one car is left; thought bubble: “Now where did I park?”panel 7: at supermarket, in 10 items or fewer line with a cart overflowing with dozens of items; word bubble to cashier: “I’m over? Sorry, I can’t count in my head.”panel 8: sitting on couch staring at TV table with no TV on it, holding remote control; caption: Lots of people lose the remote, but not this guy. He lost the TV.panel 9: going to bed wearing his pajama pants on top and his pajama shirt on the bottom
Newsstand in Fantasyland
How do centaurs keep up to date on world affairs? Where do harpies look for home decorating tips? Just like we do, Fantasyland has a magazine for everything.
Evil Housekeeping—recipes and advice for the goblin housewifeTrolling Stone—the latest news in rock (meaning creatures that live among rocks, like trolls)Boosweek—the leading source of current events for ghostsSphinx Illustrated—a photographic look at the world of half-human, half-lionsVanity Fairy—long articles about glamorous fairies and their scandalous livesMagickolodeon—what all witches read to learn all about old-fashioned magickCC Guide—the weekly rundown of all forest performances by various creepy-crawlies
Thanksgiving: The Deleted Scenes
Imagine if there was a DVD of the big 1621 harvest feast that kicked off the whole Thanksgiving thing? Well, for starters, it wouldn’t all fit on one DVD—the gathering lasted three days, for gobble’s sake. Here are some centuries-old scenes that may nonetheless make it onto ye olde director’s cutte.
the thrilling attempt by both Pilgrims and Natives to capture a particularly large goose for the meal—yes, a literal wild goose chasePilgrim kids daring Native kids to eat their most disgusting type of food, and vice versathe Pilgrims realizing a lot more Native Americans than expected were going to show up, and then frantically building more benches to seat them alla Pilgrim making the typical “V” finger formation over the head of an Indian whose feathers make the same formation—so it’s a V over a Van impromptu game of a primitive version of football, only they didn’t have footballs, so they used a bootthe whole group trying to pose for a portrait—not as quick as getting a photo taken…
In the Nick of Time
How could two things with the same name be so different—or so similar? We compared our very own Nickelodeon Magazine to the old-time nickelodeons that played records to find out. (Hey, maybe that’s where the name came from!)
nickelodeon the jukebox: cost five cents to play a record Nickelodeon the magazine: costs five cents to purchase, plus a $3.94 service charge
nickelodeon the jukebox: had a slot to put a coin in Nickelodeon the magazine: can fill through a mailbox slot
nickelodeon the jukebox: played phonographs by popular artists Nickelodeon the magazine: publishes photographs of popular stars
nickelodeon the jukebox: designed to hold only one record at a time Nickelodeon the magazine: designed to feature only one theme per issue
nickelodeon the jukebox: debuted in San Francisco Nickelodeon the magazine: sold in San Francisco
nickelodeon the jukebox: there were no speakers, so only a few people could listen at one time, using earphones Nickelodeon the magazine: there are no speakers, or sound for that matter, so only a few people can read an issue at the same time; earphones optional
Coming Soon to a Town Where You Live
You’re not eligible for a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame for two reasons: you don’t live in Hollywood (except for you) and you’re not famous (except for you). Therefore, create your own Hometown Walk of Fame by filling out your name and most entertaining achievement on this star, cutting it out, and taping it somewhere where people will look down on it. To build a bigger walk, ask your friends to do the same with the stars in their copies of this magazine.
The Fine Print
Contest rules are printed very, very small and take up many, many lines at the bottom. To this day, there are only two known people who have read them to the end, and one is the lady who wrote them. Here are some of the surprises and stumpers the other guy has reported while recovering from his squint-reduction surgery:
Everyone knows that “No purchase necessary to win” comes first. But later on it adds “Still, it’d be really nice.”A few lines after the instruction to write in blue or black ink is another saying, “Okay, you can use red, too, but please, no hearts as dots over the ‘I’s.”One rule that seems like it should be near the top but isn’t is “Don’t enter contest unless you want to get mail from us for the rest of your life.”For some reason, a couple of rules for tetherball show up about three-fifths of the way down.The last line: “To be continued in rules of next contest.”
Welcome to the Wild Wild Mess
Are you too messy? If this page is already so smudged that you can’t read these words, then yes. If not, the answer may still be yes. Take this quiz to find out.
1. Some of my fingers are currently stuck together by:
- glue
- sap
- brownie batter
- unknown blue substance
2. I sleep on a:
- bed covered with unwashed sheets
- bed covered with unwashed sheets and other laundry
- pile of unwashed laundry with no bed underneath
- small patch of dirt on the floor
3. The first thing I do after I sneeze is:
- wipe my nose on my sleeve
- wipe some of the phlegm that landed on my sleeve onto other parts of my clothes
- compare what comes out with the mucus collection I keep on my nightstand
- say “Excuse me,” then do all of the above
4. When you see a seat in your local movie theater stained with soda, you think:
- “Wow—it’s the exact same shape as the stain on my jeans!”
- “That reminds me of the stain I made two rows back and four seats over.”
- “It’s as if this seat was waiting for me.”
- Nothing. If there wasn’t a stain, you’d worry.
If you answered any of these questions instead of running outside to jump in mud puddles, then you’re not at all too messy.
August 25, 2014
Unpublished pitches for “Nickelodeon” Magazine, part 3
From 2001 to its demise in 2009, I was a regular writer—and an even more regular pitcher—for the peerless Nickelodeon Magazine.
The editors had great taste, and I’m not saying that just because many became my friends. However, they made the occasional misstep…such as when they passed on the following ideas I pitched. (Warning: be prepared for the occasional outdated pop culture/technology reference.)
NOTE: Thou shalt not steal rejected ideas. Please ask permission to repost.
Topics of the Morning to You
Daytime talk shows often have ridiculous topics. Here are a few scandalous kid-related ones they haven’t thought of yet.
“My Dog Is Smarter Than Me!”“I Like the Smell of Cough Syrup!”“Caught Cheating on a Cereal Box Quiz!”“My Sister Writes Nothing Good in Her Diary!”“iPads iRritate Me!”“Our Phone Number Is One Digit Off from a Yarn Store’s!”“Braces and Glasses in the Same Month!”“Still Using Training Wheels and Loving It!”“I’ll Eat Any Vegetable!”
Humor That Sticks With You
One of the most accessible—and free—forms of entertainment is constantly overlooked: bumper stickers. Many of them are meant to make to laugh. So what are you waiting for? Get yourself to the nearest parking lot, walk the aisles, and read some! See if you can find any funnier than these.
My Child Is Honor Student of the Month and Regularly Reminds Us About ItIf You Are Reading This, Why Aren’t You Watching the Road? Honk If You’re AnnoyingMy Other Car Has the Same StickerDon’t Stink and DriveMy Other Car Is a CartoonI Brake for Other Bumper Stickers
New Pool Rules
Pools already post many rules and warnings, with good reason. Examples include “Diving Only in Designated Areas” and “No Running on Deck.” Here are a few more rules currently under consideration. Some are bad, summer good.
Water Freezes Solid If You Pee In ItDo Not Swim for 30 Minutes after Not Rinsing FirstPlease Reenact Ancient Naval Battles ElsewhereWet Wedgies Are Frowned UponNo One Will Judge Your DivesPizza May Not Be Eaten UnderwaterBelly Flop Limit: One Per Belly Per SeasonDo Not Call Lifeguards “Spongelife Squareguards”
From Passing Out Tests to Passing Notes
A disturbing new trend is hitting schools: teachers are now passing notes to other teachers, just as students have been passing notes to other students for years. We intercepted a few:
What’s up Mrs. Holmes,
How many Emmas are in your class this year? I have fourteen.
Gotta cruise,
Ms. Nurman
Hey Ms. Spinorelli,
Have you met the new librarian, Mr. Curbett? I had the nerve to talk to him. He’s really nice, love that bow tie, and best of all, he has all the same 100 favorite books I do.
I saw him first!
Ms. Rowton
Hi Mrs. Fleedman,
What was the deal with Scott in algebra? He was totally getting all the answers right. Must have had an extra glass of smart juice this morning.
Later,
Mrs. Maloney
Yo yo yo Mr. Browner,
Did you hear that Mrs. Schlott got a new desk? My desk is two years older than hers was. Injustice!
Mrs. Evelyn
Hi Mrs. Leese,
Supposed to be a big storm tonight. Hopefully snow day tomorrow! Half the third grade has a cold and if I’m around them one more hour I’m sure I’ll catch one, too.
Catch you in the teachers’ lounge,
Ms. Bandari
The First 100 Minutes
Some elementary schools celebrate the 100th day of school, which often falls in February. Why wait that long? Suggest that your school move up the party to day one, minute 100 (which, if you start at 8:45 a.m., will be 10:25 a.m.). During it, give an award to the student who...
...has memorized her locker combination the fastest
...has gone the longest without saying the word “summer”
...already has nicknames for all the kids in class
...can still remember the correct answers on the last test of the previous school year
...writes the best essay looking back at the first 100 minutes of school—using exactly 100 words
...has determined the source of the smell coming from the science lab
...has already completed his assignments from the second 100 minutes
...is the first to eat 100 bites of cake
The Wicked Glitch
“Page not found.” “The document may be corrupt.” “The password is incorrect.” Error messages are the mosquitoes of the Internet: annoying and everywhere. Have you seen these?
“Error so big, even technical support will cry.”“Warning: document is boring.”“Program will now close. Re-opens tomorrow 9 a.m.”“File illegally downloaded. I’m telling.”“A complicated error has occurred. You wouldn’t understand.”“To restart, press Cntl+Alt+Delete. You will lose any unsaved information, and possibly your mind.” “File cannot be displayed. It’s rated R.”“A glass of water in your hand has been detected. Step away from the computer.”“Your computer crashed. Estimated time to fix it: 17 hours.”“Grumble all you want. That won’t solve anything.”
Yesterday Is Prehistory
One day it was prehistory, the next day everything changed. What was it like on the day when history began?
all prehistory calendars 60% offcalling someone a “caveperson” was suddenly embarrassing people began to carry around things other than sticksit seemed like everyone was wearing “Prehistory Is History” T-shirtsalmost immediately, people started breaking their History resolutions the wheel was no longer the coolest thing ever inventedthe filthy, barefoot, bone-in-hair look was totally outtired of “Oog” and “Mub,” parents began giving babies names with more than one syllable
Highest Grossing Movie
Everybody knows the conventions of scary movies: dark houses, movement in the shadows, suspenseful music. But sometimes things you find in movie theaters are more terrifying than the movies they show:
Your seat is one big stain with a little patch of fabric showing through.Your arm rest is coated with an industrial-strength layer of sticky soda spill.The couple sitting in front of you makes out during the whole movie…and it’s your parents.Your Milk Duds are so hard you feel like you accidentally bought chocolate-covered gravel.You realize the squeaking below you is not coming from your seat but from under it…The usher picks his nose, tears your ticket, then hands your stub back.
America’s Most Interesting Worst Kept Secrets
Every country protects its privacy. Someone in America is a gossip, though, because word got out that these are some of the USA’s most intimate secrets:
some of the Rocky Mountains are actually rather smoothNew York, New Jersey, etc. aren’t really so new anymoreonly eight people live in WyomingFlorida always leaves the door unlocked and Georgians keep wandering inMassachusetts is a Native American word meaning “Quiet please, the game is on”what most people think is “The Star-Spangled Banner” is actually only the first verse; the song has 31 morewhen America was young, Great Britain teased it by calling it the “Underwear States of America”by 2009, a Home Depot will be on every street in all fifty states
Ingredients for President
To become President of the United States, a person must be a natural born citizen of the U.S., must be at least 35 years old, and must have lived in the country for the last 14 years. If you think that’s strict, read some of the other requirements that have been proposed over the years:
must have grown up in at least 18 statescannot be allergic to Senatorsmust be able to list all other presidents in order, or at least name a fewmay not plan to ask the Secret Service to build him a treehousemust promise not to repaint the White House pizza pie orangemust be willing to speak in sentences no longer than a headlinemust have the same shoe size as the previous president
Shop Up or Ship Out
Accepting presents gracefully is tricky business. True meanings are mysteries…unless you refer to this gift-speak translation cheat sheet.
When they say: “I hope you can tell how much this means to me.”
They really mean: “I hope you can’t tell how much this means war.”
When they say: “It would look beautiful on the nightstand.”
They really mean: “Just not my nightstand.”
When they say: “I think you got me something like this last year.”
They really mean: “I know you did, and also for the three years before that.”
When they say: “I’m so flattered that you thought of me.”
They really mean: “I just wish you hadn’t thought of this gift.”
When they say: “This gift is too generous.”
They really mean: “I can’t wait to return it for something equally generous but much cooler.”
When they say: “I didn’t know they made a thing like this.”
They really mean: “I can’t imagine anyone besides you would buy it.”
When they say: “What a wonderful surprise.”
They really mean: “The surprise is that I didn’t run out screaming when I saw it.”
When they say: “Oh, you really shouldn’t have.”
They really mean: “Oh, you really shouldn’t have.”
America’s Most Unwanted
There are certain nice things America wants—to catch criminals, to throw baseballs, to produce sequels, to start selling holiday merchandise in September. Then there are things America does not want…but has been too shy to mention. We, however, are not shy. We know for a fib that America does not want to:
“loan” New Hampshire and Idaho to Australia for a couple of monthseliminate time zones and make it always 2 o’clock everywheretry the “Everyone Switch States for a Day” stunt Congress has suggested begin broadcasting the Food Fight Networkchange the name of “America the Beautiful” to “America the Boastful”redesign its shape to look like a rhinocerosset up arm wrestling contests all along the Canadian and Mexican borders
A World Without Cartoons
Let’s all stop and give thanks that cartoons exist. Think of the horrors if they didn’t:
Thanksgiving floats would depict normal peopleCartoon Network would instead be called NetworkWho would promote all the cereal?Newspapers would have an extra page of (Zzzz…) classified adsOn Halloween, kids would have to dress up as…well, other kidsYour parents wouldn’t remember what a conjunction is or know the words to the Preamble to the Constitution by heart
The editors had great taste, and I’m not saying that just because many became my friends. However, they made the occasional misstep…such as when they passed on the following ideas I pitched. (Warning: be prepared for the occasional outdated pop culture/technology reference.)
NOTE: Thou shalt not steal rejected ideas. Please ask permission to repost.
Topics of the Morning to You
Daytime talk shows often have ridiculous topics. Here are a few scandalous kid-related ones they haven’t thought of yet.
“My Dog Is Smarter Than Me!”“I Like the Smell of Cough Syrup!”“Caught Cheating on a Cereal Box Quiz!”“My Sister Writes Nothing Good in Her Diary!”“iPads iRritate Me!”“Our Phone Number Is One Digit Off from a Yarn Store’s!”“Braces and Glasses in the Same Month!”“Still Using Training Wheels and Loving It!”“I’ll Eat Any Vegetable!”
Humor That Sticks With You
One of the most accessible—and free—forms of entertainment is constantly overlooked: bumper stickers. Many of them are meant to make to laugh. So what are you waiting for? Get yourself to the nearest parking lot, walk the aisles, and read some! See if you can find any funnier than these.
My Child Is Honor Student of the Month and Regularly Reminds Us About ItIf You Are Reading This, Why Aren’t You Watching the Road? Honk If You’re AnnoyingMy Other Car Has the Same StickerDon’t Stink and DriveMy Other Car Is a CartoonI Brake for Other Bumper Stickers
New Pool Rules
Pools already post many rules and warnings, with good reason. Examples include “Diving Only in Designated Areas” and “No Running on Deck.” Here are a few more rules currently under consideration. Some are bad, summer good.
Water Freezes Solid If You Pee In ItDo Not Swim for 30 Minutes after Not Rinsing FirstPlease Reenact Ancient Naval Battles ElsewhereWet Wedgies Are Frowned UponNo One Will Judge Your DivesPizza May Not Be Eaten UnderwaterBelly Flop Limit: One Per Belly Per SeasonDo Not Call Lifeguards “Spongelife Squareguards”
From Passing Out Tests to Passing Notes
A disturbing new trend is hitting schools: teachers are now passing notes to other teachers, just as students have been passing notes to other students for years. We intercepted a few:
What’s up Mrs. Holmes,
How many Emmas are in your class this year? I have fourteen.
Gotta cruise,
Ms. Nurman
Hey Ms. Spinorelli,
Have you met the new librarian, Mr. Curbett? I had the nerve to talk to him. He’s really nice, love that bow tie, and best of all, he has all the same 100 favorite books I do.
I saw him first!
Ms. Rowton
Hi Mrs. Fleedman,
What was the deal with Scott in algebra? He was totally getting all the answers right. Must have had an extra glass of smart juice this morning.
Later,
Mrs. Maloney
Yo yo yo Mr. Browner,
Did you hear that Mrs. Schlott got a new desk? My desk is two years older than hers was. Injustice!
Mrs. Evelyn
Hi Mrs. Leese,
Supposed to be a big storm tonight. Hopefully snow day tomorrow! Half the third grade has a cold and if I’m around them one more hour I’m sure I’ll catch one, too.
Catch you in the teachers’ lounge,
Ms. Bandari
The First 100 Minutes
Some elementary schools celebrate the 100th day of school, which often falls in February. Why wait that long? Suggest that your school move up the party to day one, minute 100 (which, if you start at 8:45 a.m., will be 10:25 a.m.). During it, give an award to the student who...
...has memorized her locker combination the fastest
...has gone the longest without saying the word “summer”
...already has nicknames for all the kids in class
...can still remember the correct answers on the last test of the previous school year
...writes the best essay looking back at the first 100 minutes of school—using exactly 100 words
...has determined the source of the smell coming from the science lab
...has already completed his assignments from the second 100 minutes
...is the first to eat 100 bites of cake
The Wicked Glitch
“Page not found.” “The document may be corrupt.” “The password is incorrect.” Error messages are the mosquitoes of the Internet: annoying and everywhere. Have you seen these?
“Error so big, even technical support will cry.”“Warning: document is boring.”“Program will now close. Re-opens tomorrow 9 a.m.”“File illegally downloaded. I’m telling.”“A complicated error has occurred. You wouldn’t understand.”“To restart, press Cntl+Alt+Delete. You will lose any unsaved information, and possibly your mind.” “File cannot be displayed. It’s rated R.”“A glass of water in your hand has been detected. Step away from the computer.”“Your computer crashed. Estimated time to fix it: 17 hours.”“Grumble all you want. That won’t solve anything.”
Yesterday Is Prehistory
One day it was prehistory, the next day everything changed. What was it like on the day when history began?
all prehistory calendars 60% offcalling someone a “caveperson” was suddenly embarrassing people began to carry around things other than sticksit seemed like everyone was wearing “Prehistory Is History” T-shirtsalmost immediately, people started breaking their History resolutions the wheel was no longer the coolest thing ever inventedthe filthy, barefoot, bone-in-hair look was totally outtired of “Oog” and “Mub,” parents began giving babies names with more than one syllable
Highest Grossing Movie
Everybody knows the conventions of scary movies: dark houses, movement in the shadows, suspenseful music. But sometimes things you find in movie theaters are more terrifying than the movies they show:
Your seat is one big stain with a little patch of fabric showing through.Your arm rest is coated with an industrial-strength layer of sticky soda spill.The couple sitting in front of you makes out during the whole movie…and it’s your parents.Your Milk Duds are so hard you feel like you accidentally bought chocolate-covered gravel.You realize the squeaking below you is not coming from your seat but from under it…The usher picks his nose, tears your ticket, then hands your stub back.
America’s Most Interesting Worst Kept Secrets
Every country protects its privacy. Someone in America is a gossip, though, because word got out that these are some of the USA’s most intimate secrets:
some of the Rocky Mountains are actually rather smoothNew York, New Jersey, etc. aren’t really so new anymoreonly eight people live in WyomingFlorida always leaves the door unlocked and Georgians keep wandering inMassachusetts is a Native American word meaning “Quiet please, the game is on”what most people think is “The Star-Spangled Banner” is actually only the first verse; the song has 31 morewhen America was young, Great Britain teased it by calling it the “Underwear States of America”by 2009, a Home Depot will be on every street in all fifty states
Ingredients for President
To become President of the United States, a person must be a natural born citizen of the U.S., must be at least 35 years old, and must have lived in the country for the last 14 years. If you think that’s strict, read some of the other requirements that have been proposed over the years:
must have grown up in at least 18 statescannot be allergic to Senatorsmust be able to list all other presidents in order, or at least name a fewmay not plan to ask the Secret Service to build him a treehousemust promise not to repaint the White House pizza pie orangemust be willing to speak in sentences no longer than a headlinemust have the same shoe size as the previous president
Shop Up or Ship Out
Accepting presents gracefully is tricky business. True meanings are mysteries…unless you refer to this gift-speak translation cheat sheet.
When they say: “I hope you can tell how much this means to me.”
They really mean: “I hope you can’t tell how much this means war.”
When they say: “It would look beautiful on the nightstand.”
They really mean: “Just not my nightstand.”
When they say: “I think you got me something like this last year.”
They really mean: “I know you did, and also for the three years before that.”
When they say: “I’m so flattered that you thought of me.”
They really mean: “I just wish you hadn’t thought of this gift.”
When they say: “This gift is too generous.”
They really mean: “I can’t wait to return it for something equally generous but much cooler.”
When they say: “I didn’t know they made a thing like this.”
They really mean: “I can’t imagine anyone besides you would buy it.”
When they say: “What a wonderful surprise.”
They really mean: “The surprise is that I didn’t run out screaming when I saw it.”
When they say: “Oh, you really shouldn’t have.”
They really mean: “Oh, you really shouldn’t have.”
America’s Most Unwanted
There are certain nice things America wants—to catch criminals, to throw baseballs, to produce sequels, to start selling holiday merchandise in September. Then there are things America does not want…but has been too shy to mention. We, however, are not shy. We know for a fib that America does not want to:
“loan” New Hampshire and Idaho to Australia for a couple of monthseliminate time zones and make it always 2 o’clock everywheretry the “Everyone Switch States for a Day” stunt Congress has suggested begin broadcasting the Food Fight Networkchange the name of “America the Beautiful” to “America the Boastful”redesign its shape to look like a rhinocerosset up arm wrestling contests all along the Canadian and Mexican borders
A World Without Cartoons
Let’s all stop and give thanks that cartoons exist. Think of the horrors if they didn’t:
Thanksgiving floats would depict normal peopleCartoon Network would instead be called NetworkWho would promote all the cereal?Newspapers would have an extra page of (Zzzz…) classified adsOn Halloween, kids would have to dress up as…well, other kidsYour parents wouldn’t remember what a conjunction is or know the words to the Preamble to the Constitution by heart
August 24, 2014
Unpublished pitches for “Nickelodeon” Magazine, part 2
From 2001 to its demise in 2009, I was a regular writer—and an even more regular pitcher—for the peerless Nickelodeon Magazine.
The editors had great taste, and I’m not saying that just because many became my friends. However, they made the occasional misstep…such as when they passed on the following ideas I pitched. (Warning: be prepared for the occasional outdated pop culture/technology reference.)
NOTE: Thou shalt not steal rejected ideas. Please ask permission to repost.
Inside Information
In nice weather, your parents often say “Go outside and play.” But what if it’s cold outside and your parents want you to go out anyway? Here are things you can say so they’ll then say “Go inside in play.”
“The steeper the slope, the faster the sled.”“Snowpants give me a rash. I always take them off as soon as I’m outside.”“Might as well start building that treehouse I always wanted.”“I’m practicing my aim with a rock and the giant, sharp icicles hanging off the roof.”“I know it’s cold, but someone has to direct traffic.”“Frozen bugs do taste like potato chips!”“I’m going to find the shortest hiking distance between here and Canada.”“Who knew bike helmets are great for deflecting speeding Frisbees?”
Relative Stupidity
The holidays. We all know what that means. Stuck inside with a bunch of relatives for hours on end. Choose from this arsenal of excuses to escape—even if it’s only to another room in the house.
“The DNA tests are not in yet and I’m not hanging around here until we know for sure if we’re really related.”“I should rest. I don’t want to get too tired to wrap all your presents.”“Having fun together on the holidays is selfish. I’m going to think of ways to help others less fortunate as I go to my room and surf the Internet.”“I’m almost old enough to be smarter than you, but I’ll spare you the embarrassment by quietly sneaking out.”“In pioneer times, families that lived far away could not visit each other so easily. I have to reenact that for a school project.”“If I correctly guess any three stories you plan to tell, can I be excused?”
Art in the House of Sport
The school art show: a chance for non-athletic kids to do something impressive in the gym.
A crowd of drawers will draw a crowd at…
The 4th Annual Ele-Monet-ary Art Show
All submissions welcome, except the following types of images:
videogame violenceyouth mocking authorityyouth mocking art showsstill life of cafeteria foodportraits of school administration in sweatpantscopyrighted characters (including heads of faculty on bodies of copyrighted characters)scenes with product placement, no matter how handsomely you were paidthe school mascot served on a bed of rice with seasonal vegetablesactual-size bricks that blend in perfectly with the gym walls
Even if you don’t contribute, make sure you Van Gogh!
It’s a Big World After All
It’s a world of wrestlers
A world of jeans
It’s a world of crocs
And a world of screens
They’re all large as can be
They make you feel so wee
It’s a big world after all
There is extra strength
There are mega-hits
There are bonus rounds
And those director’s cuts
Nothing stays normal-sized
All too high, long, or wide
It’s a big world after all
You get lost in ev’ry mall
The new kid is six feet tall
Can’t see the end of the hall
It’s a big, huge world
Skydiving Etiquette
Skydiving may seem brave or it may seem bonkers. Either way, bear in mind these guidelines:
Don’t skydive for 30 minutes after bungee jumping. Remember: skydive=parachute, scuba dive=oxygen tank.Birds have the right of way.In summer and before 6 p.m., use a white parachute.When jumping in a group, pull ripcords in alphabetical order.If blown off course, try to land in the middle of a big event such as a wedding, football game, or barn-raising.When you’re in the air, it’s not called a belly flop.
Before They Were Freakish
Were our most renowned monsters already scary back in high school? To find out, we’ve delved into the Crypt of Yearbooks Past.
(show funny yearbook-style head shots of famous monsters as teens with other monsters signatures over or next to them)
Dracula (his fangs have braces); Frankenstein’s monster writes “And they say I’m a metalhead!”Frankenstein’s monster (with two metal plugs on side of neck); Yeti writes “Yo Frankie! Bio lab was a blast—thanks for letting us dissect you instead of the frog!”Henry Jekyll (looks bookish, shy): Edward Hyde writes “I would write ‘Don’t ever change’ but that wouldn’t do me any good!”Medusa (her snakes in pigtails); Wicked Witch of the West writes “Hanging with you, I never felt like I was having a bad hair day!”Mummy (has bandana over top of bandaged head); Medusa writes “Hey M—I hiss you already!”Yeti (facial hair includes goatee); Dracula writes “Dude, we get it, you’re manly, but time to shave!”Wicked Witch of the West (witch hat has school-style letter, like when you letter in a sport); Mummy writes “Prom rocked! Sorry I spilled that water on you, though…”
Exchang-aholic
Bringing gifts back to stores can be more than a boring chore. Run one of these phrases by the salesperson and you’ll see that returning can be even more fun than receiving.
“By accident I walked out without paying for this, so I’m back to do the right thing.”“This product is a choking hazard. When I think about how hideous it is, I nearly choke.”“Let’s do this as quickly so no one sees that I ever owned that.”“I rewrapped it to protect your eyes.”“Do you have this in money?”“Here’s a photo of the friend who gave this to me. Please don’t let him buy anything here ever again.”“This is not at all tacky, but my room is, so it wouldn’t fit.” “Don’t I win anything for being the 100th person today to return this item?”“I actually like it but also like the power a consumer has to return whatever she wants.”
Metal Detector Blues
Ever comb the beach with a metal detector? Sure. Ever find anything? Of course not. Sing along with the “Metal Detector Blues.”
Got a metal detector
To detect me some gold
I’d settle for silver
As long as it’s old
Hit the beach at dawn
No other hunters in sight
Began searching the sand
For something buried and bright
Came across lots of bottle caps
And a couple sets of car keys
Heck, I even turned up
A checkers board (Chinese)
I was looking for loot
Straight from a treasure chest
But I recycled half this stuff
And reburied the rest
Not one thing of value
No medallions, coins, or jewels
But if you’re in the market
I’ve got lots of rusty tools
The last thing I discovered
And the most deeply hid
Was a trashed metal detector
Must’ve found even less than mine did
International House of Pancakes: Now with Even More International!
the Panamanian Pancake—with a “canal” filled with syrup running through itItalian Pancakes—with pepperoni the Antarctic Pancake—frozen solidthe Australian Pancake—one pancake, floating in a sea of syrupIrish Pancakes—bunch of small clover-shaped pancakes, with one four-leaf clover pancake hidden among themthe Israeli Pancake—worn on head like kippah/yarmulkeGerman Pancakes—one big pancake with two small pancakes forming the umlautEgyptian Pancakes—three-dimensional pyramids of pancakes
X Parks the Spot
Underground parking garages are the labyrinths of everyday life and our experiences in them are universal. Next time you go to the mall (or anywhere else with a car maze), bring and fill out this two-part checklist.
BEFORE SHOPPING
Did we spend twenty minutes looking for a free spot?Did several cars backing out almost dent us?Did we finally find a spot, but it’s the farthest from the entrance?Did we wonder what made all those scratch marks on the walls?Did we pass at least four cars with their alarms going off?
AFTER SHOPPING
Did we forgot where we parked?Did we leave our headlights on?Did the guy next to us park too close, squeezing us in?Did we at least once drive the wrong way down a one-way lane?Did we lose the parking ticket?
An Animated Rebellion
What if cartoons revolted against humans? It might start with documents like these.
Declaratoon of Independence
When in the Course of humor events, it becomes necessary for one cartoon to dissolve the fictional bands which have connected him with another, and to assume among the powers of the mirth, the cinemas and TV stations to which the Laws of Networks and of Networks’ squads entitle them, a decent rating in the opinions of fankind requires that they should declare the sketches which impel them to the animation.
We hold these truths to be self-excellent, that all films are followed by sequels, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain alien or monster Fights, and among them are Laughs, Lunacy and the pursuit of Zaniness.
Toonstitution
We the Cartoons of the Animated Screens, in Order to draw a more perfect Toonion, establish Jokesters, insure simplistic Frivolity, provide for the common nonsense, promote the right to show bums bare, and make sure the Best Things on the TV from ourselves is our Hilarity, do complain and establish this Toonstitution for the Animated Screens of America.
May I Have Award with You?
Entertainment trivia: did you know that a different award show was on every night last year except for one (and that was only because the host came down with the hiccups)? Now that award shows are so common, they must always come up with new gimmicks. A few suggestions:
give awards made of Play-Doh so recipients can shape a design of their own likingvote for each winner then and there by a show of handssneak in a made-up category every so oftenrequesting that the audience hold their applause until they get homelimit each acceptance speech to one wordinstead of announcing the winner of each category, list the losers firstinstead of interviewing stars on the red carpet outside the event, catch them coming in or out of the bathroomgive an award at end of the night for best and worst acceptance speech
The editors had great taste, and I’m not saying that just because many became my friends. However, they made the occasional misstep…such as when they passed on the following ideas I pitched. (Warning: be prepared for the occasional outdated pop culture/technology reference.)
NOTE: Thou shalt not steal rejected ideas. Please ask permission to repost.
Inside Information
In nice weather, your parents often say “Go outside and play.” But what if it’s cold outside and your parents want you to go out anyway? Here are things you can say so they’ll then say “Go inside in play.”
“The steeper the slope, the faster the sled.”“Snowpants give me a rash. I always take them off as soon as I’m outside.”“Might as well start building that treehouse I always wanted.”“I’m practicing my aim with a rock and the giant, sharp icicles hanging off the roof.”“I know it’s cold, but someone has to direct traffic.”“Frozen bugs do taste like potato chips!”“I’m going to find the shortest hiking distance between here and Canada.”“Who knew bike helmets are great for deflecting speeding Frisbees?”
Relative Stupidity
The holidays. We all know what that means. Stuck inside with a bunch of relatives for hours on end. Choose from this arsenal of excuses to escape—even if it’s only to another room in the house.
“The DNA tests are not in yet and I’m not hanging around here until we know for sure if we’re really related.”“I should rest. I don’t want to get too tired to wrap all your presents.”“Having fun together on the holidays is selfish. I’m going to think of ways to help others less fortunate as I go to my room and surf the Internet.”“I’m almost old enough to be smarter than you, but I’ll spare you the embarrassment by quietly sneaking out.”“In pioneer times, families that lived far away could not visit each other so easily. I have to reenact that for a school project.”“If I correctly guess any three stories you plan to tell, can I be excused?”
Art in the House of Sport
The school art show: a chance for non-athletic kids to do something impressive in the gym.
A crowd of drawers will draw a crowd at…
The 4th Annual Ele-Monet-ary Art Show
All submissions welcome, except the following types of images:
videogame violenceyouth mocking authorityyouth mocking art showsstill life of cafeteria foodportraits of school administration in sweatpantscopyrighted characters (including heads of faculty on bodies of copyrighted characters)scenes with product placement, no matter how handsomely you were paidthe school mascot served on a bed of rice with seasonal vegetablesactual-size bricks that blend in perfectly with the gym walls
Even if you don’t contribute, make sure you Van Gogh!
It’s a Big World After All
It’s a world of wrestlers
A world of jeans
It’s a world of crocs
And a world of screens
They’re all large as can be
They make you feel so wee
It’s a big world after all
There is extra strength
There are mega-hits
There are bonus rounds
And those director’s cuts
Nothing stays normal-sized
All too high, long, or wide
It’s a big world after all
You get lost in ev’ry mall
The new kid is six feet tall
Can’t see the end of the hall
It’s a big, huge world
Skydiving Etiquette
Skydiving may seem brave or it may seem bonkers. Either way, bear in mind these guidelines:
Don’t skydive for 30 minutes after bungee jumping. Remember: skydive=parachute, scuba dive=oxygen tank.Birds have the right of way.In summer and before 6 p.m., use a white parachute.When jumping in a group, pull ripcords in alphabetical order.If blown off course, try to land in the middle of a big event such as a wedding, football game, or barn-raising.When you’re in the air, it’s not called a belly flop.
Before They Were Freakish
Were our most renowned monsters already scary back in high school? To find out, we’ve delved into the Crypt of Yearbooks Past.
(show funny yearbook-style head shots of famous monsters as teens with other monsters signatures over or next to them)
Dracula (his fangs have braces); Frankenstein’s monster writes “And they say I’m a metalhead!”Frankenstein’s monster (with two metal plugs on side of neck); Yeti writes “Yo Frankie! Bio lab was a blast—thanks for letting us dissect you instead of the frog!”Henry Jekyll (looks bookish, shy): Edward Hyde writes “I would write ‘Don’t ever change’ but that wouldn’t do me any good!”Medusa (her snakes in pigtails); Wicked Witch of the West writes “Hanging with you, I never felt like I was having a bad hair day!”Mummy (has bandana over top of bandaged head); Medusa writes “Hey M—I hiss you already!”Yeti (facial hair includes goatee); Dracula writes “Dude, we get it, you’re manly, but time to shave!”Wicked Witch of the West (witch hat has school-style letter, like when you letter in a sport); Mummy writes “Prom rocked! Sorry I spilled that water on you, though…”
Exchang-aholic
Bringing gifts back to stores can be more than a boring chore. Run one of these phrases by the salesperson and you’ll see that returning can be even more fun than receiving.
“By accident I walked out without paying for this, so I’m back to do the right thing.”“This product is a choking hazard. When I think about how hideous it is, I nearly choke.”“Let’s do this as quickly so no one sees that I ever owned that.”“I rewrapped it to protect your eyes.”“Do you have this in money?”“Here’s a photo of the friend who gave this to me. Please don’t let him buy anything here ever again.”“This is not at all tacky, but my room is, so it wouldn’t fit.” “Don’t I win anything for being the 100th person today to return this item?”“I actually like it but also like the power a consumer has to return whatever she wants.”
Metal Detector Blues
Ever comb the beach with a metal detector? Sure. Ever find anything? Of course not. Sing along with the “Metal Detector Blues.”
Got a metal detector
To detect me some gold
I’d settle for silver
As long as it’s old
Hit the beach at dawn
No other hunters in sight
Began searching the sand
For something buried and bright
Came across lots of bottle caps
And a couple sets of car keys
Heck, I even turned up
A checkers board (Chinese)
I was looking for loot
Straight from a treasure chest
But I recycled half this stuff
And reburied the rest
Not one thing of value
No medallions, coins, or jewels
But if you’re in the market
I’ve got lots of rusty tools
The last thing I discovered
And the most deeply hid
Was a trashed metal detector
Must’ve found even less than mine did
International House of Pancakes: Now with Even More International!
the Panamanian Pancake—with a “canal” filled with syrup running through itItalian Pancakes—with pepperoni the Antarctic Pancake—frozen solidthe Australian Pancake—one pancake, floating in a sea of syrupIrish Pancakes—bunch of small clover-shaped pancakes, with one four-leaf clover pancake hidden among themthe Israeli Pancake—worn on head like kippah/yarmulkeGerman Pancakes—one big pancake with two small pancakes forming the umlautEgyptian Pancakes—three-dimensional pyramids of pancakes
X Parks the Spot
Underground parking garages are the labyrinths of everyday life and our experiences in them are universal. Next time you go to the mall (or anywhere else with a car maze), bring and fill out this two-part checklist.
BEFORE SHOPPING
Did we spend twenty minutes looking for a free spot?Did several cars backing out almost dent us?Did we finally find a spot, but it’s the farthest from the entrance?Did we wonder what made all those scratch marks on the walls?Did we pass at least four cars with their alarms going off?
AFTER SHOPPING
Did we forgot where we parked?Did we leave our headlights on?Did the guy next to us park too close, squeezing us in?Did we at least once drive the wrong way down a one-way lane?Did we lose the parking ticket?
An Animated Rebellion
What if cartoons revolted against humans? It might start with documents like these.
Declaratoon of Independence
When in the Course of humor events, it becomes necessary for one cartoon to dissolve the fictional bands which have connected him with another, and to assume among the powers of the mirth, the cinemas and TV stations to which the Laws of Networks and of Networks’ squads entitle them, a decent rating in the opinions of fankind requires that they should declare the sketches which impel them to the animation.
We hold these truths to be self-excellent, that all films are followed by sequels, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain alien or monster Fights, and among them are Laughs, Lunacy and the pursuit of Zaniness.
Toonstitution
We the Cartoons of the Animated Screens, in Order to draw a more perfect Toonion, establish Jokesters, insure simplistic Frivolity, provide for the common nonsense, promote the right to show bums bare, and make sure the Best Things on the TV from ourselves is our Hilarity, do complain and establish this Toonstitution for the Animated Screens of America.
May I Have Award with You?
Entertainment trivia: did you know that a different award show was on every night last year except for one (and that was only because the host came down with the hiccups)? Now that award shows are so common, they must always come up with new gimmicks. A few suggestions:
give awards made of Play-Doh so recipients can shape a design of their own likingvote for each winner then and there by a show of handssneak in a made-up category every so oftenrequesting that the audience hold their applause until they get homelimit each acceptance speech to one wordinstead of announcing the winner of each category, list the losers firstinstead of interviewing stars on the red carpet outside the event, catch them coming in or out of the bathroomgive an award at end of the night for best and worst acceptance speech
August 23, 2014
Unpublished pitches for “Nickelodeon” Magazine, part 1
From 2001 to its demise in 2009, I was a regular writer—and an even more regular pitcher—for the peerless Nickelodeon Magazine.
The editors had great taste, and I’m not saying that just because many became my friends. However, they made the occasional misstep…such as when they passed on the following ideas I pitched. (Warning: be prepared for the occasional outdated pop culture/technology reference.)
NOTE: Thou shalt not steal rejected ideas. Please ask permission to repost.
Department of Corrections and Deliberate Mistakes
Sometimes we at Nickelodeon make mistakes in the magazine. Sometimes we even catch them! Here are some of our latest.
In our January issue, the word “Mississippi” was accidentally spelled without the second “p.” Also, that “p” was incorrectly inserted into another word on some other page. Nobody remembers where exactly. Anyway, we regret the errors.In our April issue, the article entitled “Dolphins: Nearly As Smart As Us” was actually written by a dolphin and was supposed to be called “Humans: Nearly As Smart As Us.” We apologize if that was misleadingIn our May issue, the cover showed a photo of our editors playing tug-of-war with winners getting front row seats to a Destiny’s Child concert. Did you like that picture? No? Well, then, we’re sorry about that.By the time we put out our July issue, we realized we totally forgot about the June issue. It was going to be a really great one, too. In our August issue, the article entitled “Insert Article Name Here” was supposed to be called “Don’t Forget to Proofread!” Please don’t hold a grudge against us for the oversight.In our September issue, the article about erasers entitled “Erasing the Past: The History of the Pencil’s Little Buddy” actually did not run at all. If you saw it, what were YOU reading?In our October issue, we accidentally printed every article in disappearing ink. We suggest you use the now-blank pages to keep track of our future mistakes.In our November issue, the article entitled “Shrek Part 4: Ogre the River and Through the Woods” contained several quotations by people who don’t exist. Or we made up quotations for real people. What they really said was just too boring to print. Basically, don’t trust anything in that entire article.In our December issue, we didn’t run any pieces by Marc Tyler Nobleman. We’re sorry if that’s something you were looking for and we will never let it happen again.
Speak Easy
When traveling, it’s wise to know how to say a few basic things in the foreign country’s language. However, we researched many of those phrase translation books and found that they’re all missing some important statements and questions.
“Your head is blocking my view of the [insert name of famous monument here].”“Can you switch us to a hotel room that is less smelly?”“I’m sure the peacock feet are delicious, but I’ll just stick with the pasta.”“I can see modern Internet cafés back home. Don’t you have any 18th-century ones?”“Do you have a menu with subtitles?”“Could you please speak up? I can’t hear you over the monsoon.”“My country’s souvenirs stink way more than yours.”“Does the baboon who just took my luggage work here?”
Moon Over History
Many famous historical events happened at night. What is not so famous, however, is the reason they didn’t happen during the day. We moon history with these 100% false theories:
event: General George Washington leads his army across the Delaware River
when: night of December 25, 1776
why: That day, George was doing some really last minute Christmas shopping for his troops.
event: Paul Revere and associates warn colonists that British troops are coming
when: night of April 18, 1775
why: Paul spent the afternoon throwing water balloons at incoming British ships, but when that didn’t stop them, he set out on his “midnight ride”—known at the time as “ye olde plan B.”
event: the Great Chicago Fire starts in or near the O’Leary barn
when: night of October 8, 1871
why: The cow that legend states caused the disaster by kicking over a lantern was so loved by the O’Leary family that she joined them in the house for the day. Always clumsy, she accidentally spilled milk on the floor and was promptly sent back to the barn.
War Games, Peace Treaty
Some games are just plain violent, while others sound more violent than they are when you get to know them. (Still others, like football, don’t sound violent but—watch out for that linebacker!) Here are some violent (or violent-sounding) games renamed to make the world a little less angry.
Space Invaders—Alien Dance PartyBattleship—Friendshiphangman—Justice for All Kill the Guy—Politely Ask the Guy with the Ball to Stop Runningbombardment—Don’t Aim for the HeadDuke Nukem—Bombs Away (and Never Come Back)Chutes and Ladders—The Land of Even Surfaces
United States of Animerica
If animals ran the United States…
…state names would include Catnecticut, Ohippo, Aardvarkansas, Chickentucky, Mousesippi, and Bearizona.
…school cafeterias would be abandoned for fields full of bugs and rodents to hunt for lunch.
…the national bird (eagle) would be replaced by the national birdwatcher (Darren J. Sapper of Cheshire, Connecticut).
…Spin the Bottle players would lick each other’s faces instead of kiss on the lips.
…all citizens would be automatic members of the FBI because animals have heightened hearing and smell, both of which come in very handy when looking for bad guys.
…for easier drinking, water fountains would be replaced with toilets.
…the scariest Halloween costume would be a veterinarian. (Also: Halloween would be called Owleen.)
…many human beings would live behind bars—no, not jails. Zoos.
Loudspeaker Lunacy
If you hear these announcements over your school’s loudspeaker, either it’s April Fool’s Day or you’ve somehow slipped into another dimension where your principal is the exact same age as you.
“Attention students, this is your principal speaking. Now this is your principal making unpleasant noises with his armpit.”“Attention students, this is your principal speaking. Would Kevin Alansky please come to my office? We need a fourth for a game of Pictionary.”“Attention students, this is your principal speaking. All students going on the field trip—oh, hold on a second. My cell phone is ringing. Hello? Mom? Can I call you back? Yeah, I’m kinda in the middle of making an announcement to the school.”“Attention students, this is your principal speaking. To the student or students who let a fully grown walrus loose in the halls this morning, please report to my office immediately. We have no idea what to feed it.”
Better Sphinx of Something
In Greek mythology, the Sphinx was a fearsome winged beast with the head of a woman and the body of a lion. To travelers who passed by, it posed a riddle: “What creature walks on four legs in the morning, two legs at noon, and three in the evening?” The answer was “man”—humans crawl on all fours as an infants, walk on two legs in midlife, and use a cane when elderly. If travelers answered correctly, they could proceed; if not, they were fast Sphinx food. However, people talked, and the answer to the Sphinx’s mysterious riddle spread faster than a sandstorm. Therefore, she worked up some new ones.
They weren’t as good.
Q: What walks on six legs in the morning, one leg in the afternoon, and nineteen legs in the evening?
A: I don’t know, but if you thought a lion with wings and a human head was weird…
Q: What walks on four legs and barks but is not a dog?
A: A human in a dog costume. Also acceptable: a talented cat.
Q: Which came first, the chicken or the egg?
A: The chicken (if you doubt it, check the dictionary).
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To avoid the side where the Sphinx sat. (Chickens aren’t good with riddles.)
Q: What is black and white and red all over?
A: A tuxedo jacket, a snowball, and a raspberry—oh, you meant all at once?
New Fool’s Day?
The calendar is getting a bit too crowded with special occasions, don’t you think? If they had to combine April Fool’s Day with other holidays…
…on Halloween, the familiar phrase would be “Trick or Trick?”
…a bunch of small trees would be placed under one big present on Christmas.
…on Valentine’s Day, it would be a great honor if someone asked you to “Be my fool.”
…we’d be eating turkey and pumpkin pie on Pranksgiving.
…on New Year’s Day, all resolutions would be about being funnier than last year.
…for Chanukah, you’d have to tell a new joke every night for eight nights.
…the ultimate prank: July 4th would hereafter always be observed on July 5th.
Let Game Begin
Friends nearby are playing a new game that has only one rule. This is what you overhear:
Carl: Name a famous game show.
Daniela: The Price Is Right.
Stephanie: Wheel of Fortune.
Carl: Daniela is wrong. Stephanie is right. Now name a rock group.
Daniela: Destiny’s Child.
Stephanie: The Backstreet Boys.
Carl: Daniela is right. Stephanie is wrong. Okay, now name a sports team.
Daniela: Miami Dolphins.
Stephanie: The Yankees.
Carl: Daniela is right. Stephanie is wrong.
How do you win this game? Hint: a clue is in the title of this activity.
ANSWER: Any player is automatically out if he/she uses the word “the” as part of his/her answer.
Lost (and Found) in Space
Our solar system is a big place. Losing something there is a pain in the asteroid [okay, I know we can’t use that]. That’s why some enterprising beings opened the Cosmic Lost and Found. Here are some of the things that were recently turned in.
a lightsaber (red beam)astronaut gear (written on front: “My Parents Went to Mars and All I Got Was This Lousy Spacesuit”)a map of downtown Mercury (slightly singed)a bag of Reese’s Pieces (unopened) an acid rainproof umbrella (found on Venus)a hardened slab of moon soil (with Neil Armstrong’s footprint)a single sock (black)a single sock (white)a single sock (brown)
Lazy Does It
What’s the laziest thing you’ve ever done? (Hopefully you weren’t too lazy to finish reading that last sentence. Or this one.) Compare it with the responses of this random sampling of your peers, all of whom we interviewed while they were lying on their beds in a very relaxed state.
“I brush my teeth once a week—but it’s not gross. They stay clean until the next time because I never rinse out the toothpaste.”“I keep the TV remote in my mouth and change the channel with my lips. That way I don’t have to move my hands.”“I abbreviate my initials.”“I don’t waste time trying to find a seat on the school bus. I just sit on the first step right when you get on. They even installed a special seatbelt for me there.”“I combine dinner and breakfast so I can sleep late. My favorite is meatloaf pancakes.”“Instead of cleaning my room, I invite my friends over and sell them the stuff lying around. Within minutes the whole place is spotless, and I still get to see my things when I’m at their houses.”
Counterfeit to Ten
Holler if you get these dollars! Signs you’ve been slipped a phony bill:
Smack in the center is George—Curious, not WashingtonThe back of the bill is blank, other than a scribbled grocery shopping listSomeone pulls it out of a printer just before handing it to youIn big red letters, it is stamped “NOT FOR USE IN REAL STORES”The edges are perforated and part of the design is a coupon for $1 off toilet paperIt is pulled out of your pocket and sticks to the fridge door as you walk byThe bill’s dimensions are 2 feet x 6 feetIt is made out of stretchable rubberSmall print says “Any resemblance to real currency is purely illegal”You can scratch ‘n’ sniff it (choice of mint, apple orchard, or frog)
The editors had great taste, and I’m not saying that just because many became my friends. However, they made the occasional misstep…such as when they passed on the following ideas I pitched. (Warning: be prepared for the occasional outdated pop culture/technology reference.)
NOTE: Thou shalt not steal rejected ideas. Please ask permission to repost.
Department of Corrections and Deliberate Mistakes
Sometimes we at Nickelodeon make mistakes in the magazine. Sometimes we even catch them! Here are some of our latest.
In our January issue, the word “Mississippi” was accidentally spelled without the second “p.” Also, that “p” was incorrectly inserted into another word on some other page. Nobody remembers where exactly. Anyway, we regret the errors.In our April issue, the article entitled “Dolphins: Nearly As Smart As Us” was actually written by a dolphin and was supposed to be called “Humans: Nearly As Smart As Us.” We apologize if that was misleadingIn our May issue, the cover showed a photo of our editors playing tug-of-war with winners getting front row seats to a Destiny’s Child concert. Did you like that picture? No? Well, then, we’re sorry about that.By the time we put out our July issue, we realized we totally forgot about the June issue. It was going to be a really great one, too. In our August issue, the article entitled “Insert Article Name Here” was supposed to be called “Don’t Forget to Proofread!” Please don’t hold a grudge against us for the oversight.In our September issue, the article about erasers entitled “Erasing the Past: The History of the Pencil’s Little Buddy” actually did not run at all. If you saw it, what were YOU reading?In our October issue, we accidentally printed every article in disappearing ink. We suggest you use the now-blank pages to keep track of our future mistakes.In our November issue, the article entitled “Shrek Part 4: Ogre the River and Through the Woods” contained several quotations by people who don’t exist. Or we made up quotations for real people. What they really said was just too boring to print. Basically, don’t trust anything in that entire article.In our December issue, we didn’t run any pieces by Marc Tyler Nobleman. We’re sorry if that’s something you were looking for and we will never let it happen again.
Speak Easy
When traveling, it’s wise to know how to say a few basic things in the foreign country’s language. However, we researched many of those phrase translation books and found that they’re all missing some important statements and questions.
“Your head is blocking my view of the [insert name of famous monument here].”“Can you switch us to a hotel room that is less smelly?”“I’m sure the peacock feet are delicious, but I’ll just stick with the pasta.”“I can see modern Internet cafés back home. Don’t you have any 18th-century ones?”“Do you have a menu with subtitles?”“Could you please speak up? I can’t hear you over the monsoon.”“My country’s souvenirs stink way more than yours.”“Does the baboon who just took my luggage work here?”
Moon Over History
Many famous historical events happened at night. What is not so famous, however, is the reason they didn’t happen during the day. We moon history with these 100% false theories:
event: General George Washington leads his army across the Delaware River
when: night of December 25, 1776
why: That day, George was doing some really last minute Christmas shopping for his troops.
event: Paul Revere and associates warn colonists that British troops are coming
when: night of April 18, 1775
why: Paul spent the afternoon throwing water balloons at incoming British ships, but when that didn’t stop them, he set out on his “midnight ride”—known at the time as “ye olde plan B.”
event: the Great Chicago Fire starts in or near the O’Leary barn
when: night of October 8, 1871
why: The cow that legend states caused the disaster by kicking over a lantern was so loved by the O’Leary family that she joined them in the house for the day. Always clumsy, she accidentally spilled milk on the floor and was promptly sent back to the barn.
War Games, Peace Treaty
Some games are just plain violent, while others sound more violent than they are when you get to know them. (Still others, like football, don’t sound violent but—watch out for that linebacker!) Here are some violent (or violent-sounding) games renamed to make the world a little less angry.
Space Invaders—Alien Dance PartyBattleship—Friendshiphangman—Justice for All Kill the Guy—Politely Ask the Guy with the Ball to Stop Runningbombardment—Don’t Aim for the HeadDuke Nukem—Bombs Away (and Never Come Back)Chutes and Ladders—The Land of Even Surfaces
United States of Animerica
If animals ran the United States…
…state names would include Catnecticut, Ohippo, Aardvarkansas, Chickentucky, Mousesippi, and Bearizona.
…school cafeterias would be abandoned for fields full of bugs and rodents to hunt for lunch.
…the national bird (eagle) would be replaced by the national birdwatcher (Darren J. Sapper of Cheshire, Connecticut).
…Spin the Bottle players would lick each other’s faces instead of kiss on the lips.
…all citizens would be automatic members of the FBI because animals have heightened hearing and smell, both of which come in very handy when looking for bad guys.
…for easier drinking, water fountains would be replaced with toilets.
…the scariest Halloween costume would be a veterinarian. (Also: Halloween would be called Owleen.)
…many human beings would live behind bars—no, not jails. Zoos.
Loudspeaker Lunacy
If you hear these announcements over your school’s loudspeaker, either it’s April Fool’s Day or you’ve somehow slipped into another dimension where your principal is the exact same age as you.
“Attention students, this is your principal speaking. Now this is your principal making unpleasant noises with his armpit.”“Attention students, this is your principal speaking. Would Kevin Alansky please come to my office? We need a fourth for a game of Pictionary.”“Attention students, this is your principal speaking. All students going on the field trip—oh, hold on a second. My cell phone is ringing. Hello? Mom? Can I call you back? Yeah, I’m kinda in the middle of making an announcement to the school.”“Attention students, this is your principal speaking. To the student or students who let a fully grown walrus loose in the halls this morning, please report to my office immediately. We have no idea what to feed it.”
Better Sphinx of Something
In Greek mythology, the Sphinx was a fearsome winged beast with the head of a woman and the body of a lion. To travelers who passed by, it posed a riddle: “What creature walks on four legs in the morning, two legs at noon, and three in the evening?” The answer was “man”—humans crawl on all fours as an infants, walk on two legs in midlife, and use a cane when elderly. If travelers answered correctly, they could proceed; if not, they were fast Sphinx food. However, people talked, and the answer to the Sphinx’s mysterious riddle spread faster than a sandstorm. Therefore, she worked up some new ones.
They weren’t as good.
Q: What walks on six legs in the morning, one leg in the afternoon, and nineteen legs in the evening?
A: I don’t know, but if you thought a lion with wings and a human head was weird…
Q: What walks on four legs and barks but is not a dog?
A: A human in a dog costume. Also acceptable: a talented cat.
Q: Which came first, the chicken or the egg?
A: The chicken (if you doubt it, check the dictionary).
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To avoid the side where the Sphinx sat. (Chickens aren’t good with riddles.)
Q: What is black and white and red all over?
A: A tuxedo jacket, a snowball, and a raspberry—oh, you meant all at once?
New Fool’s Day?
The calendar is getting a bit too crowded with special occasions, don’t you think? If they had to combine April Fool’s Day with other holidays…
…on Halloween, the familiar phrase would be “Trick or Trick?”
…a bunch of small trees would be placed under one big present on Christmas.
…on Valentine’s Day, it would be a great honor if someone asked you to “Be my fool.”
…we’d be eating turkey and pumpkin pie on Pranksgiving.
…on New Year’s Day, all resolutions would be about being funnier than last year.
…for Chanukah, you’d have to tell a new joke every night for eight nights.
…the ultimate prank: July 4th would hereafter always be observed on July 5th.
Let Game Begin
Friends nearby are playing a new game that has only one rule. This is what you overhear:
Carl: Name a famous game show.
Daniela: The Price Is Right.
Stephanie: Wheel of Fortune.
Carl: Daniela is wrong. Stephanie is right. Now name a rock group.
Daniela: Destiny’s Child.
Stephanie: The Backstreet Boys.
Carl: Daniela is right. Stephanie is wrong. Okay, now name a sports team.
Daniela: Miami Dolphins.
Stephanie: The Yankees.
Carl: Daniela is right. Stephanie is wrong.
How do you win this game? Hint: a clue is in the title of this activity.
ANSWER: Any player is automatically out if he/she uses the word “the” as part of his/her answer.
Lost (and Found) in Space
Our solar system is a big place. Losing something there is a pain in the asteroid [okay, I know we can’t use that]. That’s why some enterprising beings opened the Cosmic Lost and Found. Here are some of the things that were recently turned in.
a lightsaber (red beam)astronaut gear (written on front: “My Parents Went to Mars and All I Got Was This Lousy Spacesuit”)a map of downtown Mercury (slightly singed)a bag of Reese’s Pieces (unopened) an acid rainproof umbrella (found on Venus)a hardened slab of moon soil (with Neil Armstrong’s footprint)a single sock (black)a single sock (white)a single sock (brown)
Lazy Does It
What’s the laziest thing you’ve ever done? (Hopefully you weren’t too lazy to finish reading that last sentence. Or this one.) Compare it with the responses of this random sampling of your peers, all of whom we interviewed while they were lying on their beds in a very relaxed state.
“I brush my teeth once a week—but it’s not gross. They stay clean until the next time because I never rinse out the toothpaste.”“I keep the TV remote in my mouth and change the channel with my lips. That way I don’t have to move my hands.”“I abbreviate my initials.”“I don’t waste time trying to find a seat on the school bus. I just sit on the first step right when you get on. They even installed a special seatbelt for me there.”“I combine dinner and breakfast so I can sleep late. My favorite is meatloaf pancakes.”“Instead of cleaning my room, I invite my friends over and sell them the stuff lying around. Within minutes the whole place is spotless, and I still get to see my things when I’m at their houses.”
Counterfeit to Ten
Holler if you get these dollars! Signs you’ve been slipped a phony bill:
Smack in the center is George—Curious, not WashingtonThe back of the bill is blank, other than a scribbled grocery shopping listSomeone pulls it out of a printer just before handing it to youIn big red letters, it is stamped “NOT FOR USE IN REAL STORES”The edges are perforated and part of the design is a coupon for $1 off toilet paperIt is pulled out of your pocket and sticks to the fridge door as you walk byThe bill’s dimensions are 2 feet x 6 feetIt is made out of stretchable rubberSmall print says “Any resemblance to real currency is purely illegal”You can scratch ‘n’ sniff it (choice of mint, apple orchard, or frog)
August 21, 2014
“Nickelodeon” Magazine piece: Retiring from chores
© Nickelodeon; no reuse without permission.
August 20, 2014
“Nickelodeon” Magazine piece: Senses #7-11
© Nickelodeon; no reuse without permission.
August 19, 2014
“Nickelodeon” Magazine piece: SVAT (Supervillain Aptitude Test)
© Nickelodeon; no reuse without permission.
August 18, 2014
“Nickelodeon” Magazine piece: Lizard lotion
© Nickelodeon; no reuse without permission.
August 17, 2014
“Nickelodeon” Magazine piece: Monster makeovers
© Nickelodeon; no reuse without permission.
