Dave Schwensen's Blog, page 26
December 30, 2013
Joking into the New Year!
My how time flies when you’re laughing…
First of all I can’t believe we’re talking about 2014. It seems like just yesterday I was making jokes about Y2K. And if there are any comics out there who still are, it’s time to update the act.
This also marks the 4th year I’ve been sending out this How To Be A Working Comic and Humorous Speaker newsletter. And you know what that means – right?
It means we have three years worth of Jokes of the Week that weren’t even considered for last week’s Top Ten for 2013. So here’s the deal. We’ll get back to the business stuff next week – but for right now, I thought we should close out the old year and ring in the new with a few more yucks.
After digging through the archives here are ten jokes from readers that I hope you’ll enjoy – and inspire you to “go for the funny” in 2014. Same as last week, the working links for the following contributors have been included. Take a look at what they’re up to and continue to network. As you should know after four years – that’s what Joke of the Week is all about!
Have a wonderful and laugh-filled 2014 and as always…
Keep Laughing!! – Your pal, Dave Schwensen
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1. September 2010: “My girlfriend likes to roll-play. For the last five years she’s been playing my ex-girlfriend.” – Craig Sharf, LINK
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2. October 2010: An elderly couple is sitting in church. The man passes a note to his wife that says, “I just farted but it was quiet enough that no one heard it. What do you think I should do?”
The woman writes back, “Turn up your hearing aid.” – Jeremy Nunes, LINK
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3. February 2011 – A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor’s office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
“Impossible!” says the doctor. “Show me.”
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed. Then she pushed on her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; then she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, “You’re not really a redhead, are you?”
“Well no,” she said. “I’m actually a blonde.”
“I thought so,” the doctor said. “Your finger is broken.” – Debbie Baker
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4. May 2011 – One night a drunk comes stumbling into a bar and says to the bartender: “Drinks for all on me including you, bartender.” So the bartender follows the man’s orders and says: “That will be $36.50 please.” The drunk says he has no money so the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.
The next night the same drunk comes in again and orders a drink for everyone in the bar including the bartender. Again the bartender follows instructions and again the drunk says he has no money. So the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.
On the third night he comes in, the drunk orders drinks for all except the bartender. “What, no drink for me?” replies the bartender. “Oh, no. You get violent when you drink.” – Felicia Hill, LINK
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5. September 2011 – Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they’re physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember…
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. “Want anything while I’m in the kitchen?” he asks.
“Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?”
“Sure..”
“Don’t you think you should write it down so you can remember it?” she asks.
“No, I can remember it.”
“Well, I’d like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?”
He says, “I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.”
“I’d also like whipped cream. I’m certain you’ll forget that, write it down?” she asks.
Irritated, he says, “I don’t need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream – I got it, for goodness sake!”
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.
“Where’s my toast?” – Sally
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6. November 2011 – “My neighbor knocked on my door at 2:30 am this morning. Can you believe that? 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.” – Jeff Blanchard, LINK
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7. January 2012 – I just got off the phone with a friend living in northern Minnesota near the Canadian border. She said that since early this morning the snow has been nearly waist high and is still falling.The temperature is dropping way below zero and the north wind is increasing to near gale force. Her husband has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare. She says that if it gets much worse, she may have to let him in. – Jerry X Shea, LINK
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8. February 2012 – I grew up in a broken home. I believe divorce is very confusing to children. Sometimes my mom would say, “Son, why can’t you be more like your father?” So I would say, “Okay, I’m leaving… I want the dog.” - Brian T. Shirley, LINK
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9. April 2012 – I was at a swinger’s party last weekend. We were having a few drinks, as you do. Then the hostess came out and said, “Get your gear off.” Then she turned out the lights and said, “Now you can go to town.”
A while later I was talking to a constable in the square and I said, “It looks like I’m the first one here.” – Cheers, Lou Harrison-Smith, LINK
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10. May 2012 – My wife just asked me what I was going to wear for my next performance. I told her I would wear blue jeans and my Elmo T-Shirt. She said I was too mature to be wearing an Elmo T-Shirt. I pointed out the fact that she had to tell me that, proved she was wrong. – Dwayne Castle, LINK
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And for good luck in the New Year – here’s a bonus yuck especially for the comics (who are the only ones that will really understand it):
11. November 2012 – A comedian dies and goes to heaven. He meets St. Peter at The Pearly Gates. St. Peter says, “Welcome to heaven! You made it in. But I’m sorry, there’s no room for you at the moment. We’re full!”
The comedian peeks in, and sees a bunch of other dead comedians milling about, not working. So he cups his hands and shouts through the gates, “HEY COMEDIANS, I HEARD THERE ARE PAYING COMEDIAN GIGS IN HELL.” And the place cleared out!
Astonished, St. Peter says, “Well…wow…there is plenty of space for you now! Come on in.” But the comedian says, “Nah, I better go too. I heard there’s a lot of work down there.” – Matthew R. Skitzki, LINK
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Dave Schwensen is the author of How To Be A Working Comic: An Insider’s Business Guide To A Career In Stand-Up Comedy, Comedy FAQs And Answers: How The Stand-Up Biz Really Works, and Comedy Workshop: Creating & Writing Comedy Material for Comedians & Humorous Speakers.
For information about these books, upcoming comedy workshops at the Cleveland and Chicago (beginning February 1, 2014 – visit this LINK) Improv Comedy Clubs, and private coaching for comedians and speakers by phone or via Skype visit www.TheComedyBook.com
Copyright 2014 – North Shore Publishing
December 24, 2013
The Top 3 Classic Rock Christmas Songs
Once my head hit the pillow Thanksgiving night, I never dreamed there was a chance I wouldn’t wake up from my turkey hangover this year. But the overindulgence of tryptophan had me stirring the next morning to what I assumed were angels singing in the background. It was a festive sound, but then I realized there were no harps or even Victoria’s Secret models with wings. And since I long ago passed the requirement for Billy Joel’s “only the good die young,” there was a better chance I had m...
<!--[if gte mso 9]>Top Ten Readers’ Jokes for 2013
This is the time of year when a lot of us become David Letterman impersonators. Instead of running to the refrigerator during television commercials, we sit on the couch and think about the year that’s just ending and come up with Top Ten Lists.
Could be good stuff – or could be bad stuff. In our case, we’ll focus on the funny stuff.
To close out another year of yucks, I’ve gone through the Jokes of the Week submitted by readers for 2013 and came up with the funniest ten. Of course I always point out that sending in a joke submission is a networking opportunity because I’ll include links for your sites. Some of the following yuck-ster’s forgot to do that or were promoting shows that have already ended. Otherwise, when there’s a link I hope you’ll check it out!
So without further delay – in order of the date they appeared – here are…
The Top Ten Jokes from How To Be A Working Comic and Humorous Speaker 2013:
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1. January 2, 2013
The owner of a golf course in the south was confused about paying an invoice. So he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, “Y’all went to college and I need some help. If I was to give you $20,000 minus 14%, how much would you take off?”
The secretary thought for a moment and then replied, “Every-thang but my earrings.” – Terry Jones
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2. February 11, 2013
A woman is teaching her dog some basic tricks. She said, “Sit” and the dog sat. She said, “Beg” and the dog put his paws up. She said, ‘lie” and the dog said, “My! You’re looking lovely today.” – Bob Simpson, LINK
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3. March 4, 2013
A cowboy rides into town, stops at the local saloon, goes in and orders two “red eyes” goes outside and his horse has had its tail painted blue. The cowboy comes back into the saloon and says I’ll have two red eyes and I want to know who painted my horse blue. A fellow about six foot six , three axe handles across the shoulders in white overalls with blue pain on stands up and says “and who wants to know”.
The cowboy says, “I just wanted to let you know the first coat is dry. – Lou Harrison-Smith, LINK
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4. March 18, 2013
A long line at the bank. Three tellers working. Guy goes up to the middle teller, pulls out a gun and says, “This is a robbery. Put all the money in the bag and don’t say or do anything or I’ll shoot you.”
The teller complies and he looks to the right and there’s a woman standing there staring at him. “Did you see anything here?” he asks. “Yes, I…” BANG he shoots her.
He looks to his left and another woman is staring at him. “Did you just see anything here?” “Well, umm, yes, I…” BANG he shoots her.
He turns around and there is a man next in line and he asks him if he saw anything. He says, “No sir, I didn’t see anything… but my wife here…” – Marc Jaffe
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5. June 25, 2013
Coming into town I saw the flag at the Fire Station was at half mast. I said to the lady ‘Somebody die?’ She said ‘Yeah, the guy pulling it all the way to the top.’ – Charlie Adams
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6. July 2, 2013
Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn’t need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
‘I don’t know,’ he said. ‘She’s still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.’ – Joanie
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7. July 23, 2013
“Why did the Little Mermaid wear seashells? Because D-shells were too big.” – Debbie the Flight Attendant
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8. October 1, 2013
Morris Schwartz is on his deathbed, knows the end is near, is with his nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons. “So”, he says to them:
”Bernie, I want you to take the Beverly Hills houses.”
”Sybil, take the apartments over in Los Angeles Plaza.”
”Hymie, I want you to take the offices over in City Center.”
”Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings downtown.”
The nurse is just blown away by all this, and as Morris slips away, she says , “Mrs. Schwartz, your husband must have been such a hard working man to have accumulated all this property”.
Sarah replies, “Property? … the schmuck has a paper route!” – Joel Schwartz, LINK
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9. October 7, 2013
A lady hires a plumber to come to her house and fix her sink. On the phone, she tells him that she won’t be home but she’ll leave a check for his services on the counter. Then she adds, “I have a pit bull and a parrot. Don’t worry – the pit bull is a good dog and will not bother you but whatever you do, don’t talk to the parrot!”
The plumber goes to the house and sure enough, he is able to get in and passes the pit bull without a problem. He begins his work only to hear the parrot begin to scream and screech, “Hey there, stupid! What are you doing, you big goof?! Who’s stupid and goofy, stupid and goofy, stupid and goofy!”
Finally the plumber can’t take it anymore and he turns around and faces the parrot and shouts, “That’s it Parrot! You’re doomed! Now I’m coming after you!”
The parrot looks a the dog and says, “Sick’em Angela.” – Sally Edwards, Author of Comedy Mom – LINK
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10. October 15, 2013
Two brothers are terrible trouble makers. They are always breaking things, stealing things, lying and making all kinds of general trouble. The parents have tried everything to get the boys to change, to no avail. Finally out of options, they ask their pastor if he can help. He says he will talk to the boys, but only one at a time.
The parents drop off the youngest and go home, promising to return to get him soon. The boy sits in a chair across from the pastor’s desk and they just look at each other. Finally the pastor says, “Where is God?”
The boy just sits there and doesn’t answer. The pastor begins to look stern and loudly says, “Where is God?”
The little boy shifts in his seat, but still doesn’t answer. The pastor is starting to get angry at the boy’s refusal to converse and practically shouts, “Where is God?!” To the pastor’s surprise, the little boy jumps out of his chair and runs out of the office.
The boy runs all the way home, up the stairs and into his brother’s room. He shuts the door and pants, “We’re in BIG TROUBLE. God’s missing and they think we did it!” – Rob Telecky
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Dave Schwensen is the author of How To Be A Working Comic: An Insider’s Business Guide To A Career In Stand-Up Comedy, Comedy FAQs And Answers: How The Stand-Up Biz Really Works, and Comedy Workshop: Creating & Writing Comedy Material for Comedians & Humorous Speakers.
For information about these books, upcoming comedy workshops in Cleveland (beginning January 11, 2014) and Chicago (beginning February 1, 2014) and private coaching for comedians and speakers in person, by phone or via Skype visit www.TheComedyBook.com
Copyright 2013 – North Shore Publishing
December 16, 2013
Scoring a guest set at The Improv
Hey Dave – I hope all is well in Comedy Land, a strange but fun and twisted place! I wanted to reach out to you to see if you could offer a suggestion or any advice. I am definitely interested in performing at The Improv and doing a guest set so (the manager) can see my stuff. I just wanted to see your take on what was the best bet to get in front of him. I just want him to know who I am. I have video clips I can send. Any advice would be great. Thanks – JW
Hey JW – First of all, great description of Comedy Land. You not only described a place, but also the inhabitants. We all have a lot in common.
Comedy Land
You specifically mentioned The Improv, but the suggestion I’ll throw at you is the same for just about every major comedy club. In fact, it’ll work for even the non-major clubs.
I’ve been fortunate in experiencing the audition / showcase / guest sets part of the comedy biz on both coasts and in between. In fact, I should get a new business card pointing out that I’m the only person – ever since the beginning of time – who’s managed the NYC, LA and Cleveland Improv Clubs. Okay – to get technical I was talent coordinator for the Hollywood club, which is cooler in my book, but all the titles wouldn’t fit on a single business card. And since the NYC Improv is no more, I’ll continue to hold that record until the end of time.
Guess that secures my space in Comedy Land…
So I’ve been part of auditions, showcases and guest sets from “coast to coast to coast,” (Cleveland is on the coast of Lake Erie for our geographically challenged readers). From experience, I can tell you there are different ways to be seen by the club bookers. Workshops at the club and scheduled audition opportunities are always options…
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There is also a reason why comedians have been hanging out at comedy clubs since the beginning of comedy time. They hope for the chance to meet the club booker and personally ask for a showcase. If they already know the booker, they can still hang out and hope they are picked to do a set if another act is late or cancels.
This was always a great opportunity for newer comedians at the NYC Improv. We’d only pre-schedule comedians until midnight, but if we still had an audience, we could keep the club open until 4 am. That meant for the last four hours of the show I’d walk through the bar to see who was hanging out and ask if they’d like to do a set.
Pretty funny guy
To share with you one of my name-dropping memories from doing this at the NYC club in the late 80′s, I remember walking through the bar with my main door guy at the time – Dave Attell. Of course this was waaay before he scored BIG TIME as the host of Comedy Central’s Insomniac and went on to become one of the funniest comedians working today.
We were looking for someone new to do a short set and I saw a young comedian I didn’t recognize, so I asked Dave about him. He told me the guy’s name was Jon Stewart. I asked Dave if he was funny and he said, “Yeah. He’s pretty funny.” So I put up Jon Stewart for about five minutes. And Dave was right, he was pretty funny…
In LA the comedians still hung-out, but we relied a lot on video and promo packages to find new comedians to showcase. There was also a New Faces Workshop at that time where the new comedians could benefit from coaching and Monday evening showcases on stage at the (now gone) Santa Monica Improv. This could eventually lead to a showcase and MC opportunities at the main club on Melrose Avenue.
Except for the headliners and some feature acts, most regional clubs (for example, The Cleveland Improv) rely on local comedians. This is especially true for the opening / MC spots. So you need to find out when your area clubs are doing showcases, workshops or both to be seen in person. That’s always a step up from sending in YouTube videos or DVD’s (that most bookers assume are edited anyway).
BUT the best way to be seen by a comedy club booker? Easy. Get a referral from a comedian who already works at the club. As I said in an article about a year ago, that’s your Golden Ticket.
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Dave’s new book – holiday gift idea!
The Beatles At Shea Stadium
The Story Behind Their Greatest Concert
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If you’ve worked with a comedian who is a headliner or even a feature act at another club where you want to play – AND, (this is the important part), that comic LIKES your act – then ask him to refer you to the club booker. Ask the comic to ask the booker if you could have a guest / audition / showcase set.
From my experience from coast to coast to coast, it’s the No. 1 best way to be seen. There’s no waiting in line to pull a lucky performing number from a lottery, no wondering if your emails are seen with links to your video, no late night hanging-out, (at least to be seen the first time), and no sitting through long open-mic audition nights as the booker sits through dozens of other comics.
No waiting in line
A good referral from a comedian who is already a regular – and liked – performer at the club is your in. It’s your Golden Ticket to be seen.
You need to start by networking with the comedians you’re already working with. I’m not talking about kissing-up or being a pain in the you know what. Comics and bookers already get enough of that from hacks and wannabes. You – as a comedian – really need to have the material and experience to be ready to play The Improv or any other major club.
Don’t fool yourself and think you can jump right into the big-time because you know the right people. I don’t care if the referring comic is your best friend. If he’s smart and cares about his career, he’s not going to stick his neck out and refer someone who’s not ready. He may say he will just to shut you up – but he won’t. Working comics have worked too hard to get there and they’re not gonna blow it on someone who will make them look bad.
So that being said, experience and stage time will put you in contact with comedians working clubs you want to play. Using J.W. (who asked today’s question), as an example, I went to his website and saw two fliers for shows coming up this month that also include TWO acts who are regular performers at The Improv. Both play his area Improv and ONE is also a regular at the LA club. If J.W. does an outstanding set opening these shows and the Improv comedians like his work – then J.W. should ask them about referring him to the club bookers. They may say yes or no – but it’s an opportunity for a Golden Ticket.
Dave Attell on stage
at The Improv
So my best advice is just that – personal references can give you a Golden Ticket. Just like when Dave Attell told me Jon Stewart is funny. The choice to put him on during a late night show at The Improv didn’t make his career – but at least he got stage time that night and that’s how you build experience and contacts. And as anyone who’s working in Comedy Land knows, experience and contacts can help you grab a Golden Ticket to get inside.
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Dave Schwensen is the author of How To Be A Working Comic: An Insider’s Business Guide To A Career In Stand-Up Comedy, Comedy FAQs And Answers: How The Stand-Up Biz Really Works, and Comedy Workshop: Creating & Writing Comedy Material for Comedians & Humorous Speakers.
For information about these books, upcoming comedy workshops in Chicago and Cleveland, and private coaching for comedians and speakers in person, by phone or via Skype visit www.TheComedyBook.com
Copyright 2013 – North Shore Publishing
December 9, 2013
How to get letters of recommendation
Last week’s FAQ from J.W. was about what you’d want a client to say about you and your performance in a good letter of recommendation. I pointed out that it should be an advertisement for what you contributed to the event – and an enticement for potential clients to hire you for future gigs.
I won’t repeat all that. The post is still online, so just go to last week’s and check it out. But I did promise a couple ideas on how to get letters of recommendation, so here we go…
As a lot of comedians and humorous speakers know, getting a letter of recommendation is never a slam dunk. In other words a client may promise to send you one, but that doesn’t mean it’s gonna happen. It doesn’t (always) mean they didn’t like you or your performance, it’s just sometimes work, life and other important stuff takes up their time. They might just forget.
What I suspect is that writing a letter of recommendation – at least for some people – is like doing homework. They may look at writing as “work” or really don’t know how to put their thoughts into words. They’re not writers like most comics and speakers and will put it off until… like… forever…
We’ll deal with them in a moment. But first…
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To help jolt the memory of clients who might not realize the importance of a letter of recommendation to your career, here’s a tip I learned a long time ago from successful comedians and speakers.
And believe me – it works a LOT more times than it doesn’t…
Always take a self-addressed, stamped envelope to all your gigs.
When you’re talking with the client after your performance and they’re telling you how great you were, how the audience loved it, yadda-yadda-yadda, come right out and ask for the letter. You’re already having a positive conversation, so just throw it out there. And when they say yes – and they will if they’re heaping praise on you – hand them the envelope. Tell them you’re making it easy for them.
Seriously. I’m not joking.
Before I started doing this, it was always hit or miss on getting a letter. But once they have the SASE it apparently makes it easier for them to remember. I also suspect they would feel a bit guilty having that envelope and not following through on their promise. So for that reason alone, let’s call it the guilt factor. It works more than it doesn’t.
It also helps if you send a thank you letter, postcard or email – depending on how you’ve been communicating with the client before the gig. It’s the follow-up part of the business that you should be doing anyway. Use that opportunity to remind them about a letter of recommendation.
If you still don’t get the letter AND especially for those clients who really aren’t writers and plan to put this off forever, here’s another option. And again – I don’t make this stuff up.
I was given this advice by working pros…
If you haven’t received a letter a week after your performance, call the client. Since you’ve already worked for them, you should at least have a one more phone call relationship where you can again thank them for the gig. You can also ask for any advice or feedback about your performance.
If they have good things to say – and they should if they said it after your performance – ask again about a letter. If the client apologizes and has excuses about being busy, etc… Offer to make their life easier. Ask if you can write the letter yourself and send it to them.
Again – I don’t make this stuff up. It’s worked for me – and for the people who gave me this valuable tip in the first place.
Remind them it’s important for future bookings or that talent agents and event planners really need them to work with you. Say you’ll write something simple, will send it, (with a SASE), and they can edit or change it any way they’d like. Your request is that they copy it onto a page with company letterhead, sign and return. You can usually hear them breathe a sigh of relief on the phone. They just got someone else – you – to do their homework for them.
Okay, most working comics and speakers are probably thinking this is elementary stuff. They know about this. So my excuse is that these tips are for the newbees who don’t. I mention this to beginning comics and speakers in my workshops and can see eyes light up.
Yeah, these are good ideas and they work.
One generous reader also sent me an email about the importance today of having video letters of recommendation. Again – great idea!
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Dave’s new book – holiday gift idea!
The Beatles At Shea Stadium
The Story Behind Their Greatest Concert
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Take a video camera with you and have it set up (tripod) in the back of the room where you’re performing or speaking. If the client or audience members are giving you high praise after your program ask if they would say it into the camera.
Seriously – again – I’m not joking. Along with a lot of other comics and speakers, I’ve done this and it works.
Add their video endorsements to your promo reel. As I said last week, it’s always better when someone else is telling the world how great you are – rather than you being the only one talking yourself up.
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Dave Schwensen is the author of How To Be A Working Comic: An Insider’s Business Guide To A Career In Stand-Up Comedy, Comedy FAQs And Answers: How The Stand-Up Biz Really Works, and Comedy Workshop: Creating & Writing Comedy Material for Comedians & Humorous Speakers.
For information about these books, upcoming comedy workshops in Chicago and Cleveland, and private coaching for comedians and speakers in person, by phone or via Skype visit www.TheComedyBook.com
Copyright 2013 – North Shore Publishing
December 2, 2013
What goes in a good letter of recommendation
Hey Dave – I was wondering what a letter of recommendation from someone you hosted an event for should entail. – J.W.
Hey J.W. – Pretty much anything that’s positive about what you contributed to the event. The idea is to show potential bookers you have a track record – experience – at helping to make other events successful. And as we all know, all event planners and talent bookers also want their events to be successful.
Here are a few examples of feedback that work in a good letter of recommendation:
Great performance
Lots of laughs
Engaged the audience
Easy to work with
Great audience feedback
Went out of your way to make the event a success
All that type of good word is… well, good word for you.
What you’re also looking for is one great sentence or a few short ones together that you can pull out and use on the homepage of your website, LinkedIn, Facebook or other one-page promo.
Something like…
“J.W. was very funny and our audience loved him. We look forward to working with him again.” – name of client / company / event, etc…
The idea is to use this sentence as a blurb, which is a short and positive review similar to what you see on the back of book covers. Or now that so many books are eBooks, these are the blurbs or quotes – recommendations from reviewers – that usually follow the book cover image. These are enticements, which is another word for advertisements that will keep potential buyers interested in reading the book.
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I know I’m getting off track, (my track record?), but for an example of how a good blurb should be written go online to the Amazon.com Kindle Store.
You don’t need a Kindle reader to do this. Find any book and click “Look Inside.” This will pretty much work with any eBook…
When you click “Look Inside,” a separate window will open and you’ll get a free sample of the book to look through, (very cool!). It’s just like going to your local bookstore because you can check out the books before you buy.
Okay, like I said I’m going off track (you were warned), but follow me on this. It’ll make sense at the end…
Unlike physical books with real paper pages, eBooks only offer the beginning of each book you want to sample. So publishers and advertisers, (enticers), need to grab a reader’s attention right from the first page. There can be no wasted space.
So instead of being similar to a paper book that starts out with title pages, copyright pages, thank you pages, blank pages and other traditional book beginnings, it’s important for eBooks to entice readers right from the very start into purchasing the book.
There is no back cover for an eBook to display descriptions (advertisements) about what’s inside. So right after the cover image you’ll see an overview of the book and the best reviews (advertisements) – blurbs. Following a Table of Contents (some traditions are hard to break) it’ll jump right into the beginning of the book.
This way potential buyers get an immediate feel for what they’re buying. The copyright info and all the rest of the legal stuff is at the end of the eBook. It’s needed to keep the government and tax man off your back – but never helps to make a sale.
Now, to get back on track – I’m bringing all this up because…
YOU as a comedian or humorous speaker need to start thinking the same way. You’re selling your service just like publishers sell their eBooks. These online books are great FREE examples of how advertising (blurbs and letters of recommendation) should look and work for you. Take a look at the short and attention grabbing one or two sentence reviews at the beginning of an eBook and you’ll understand what you should be looking for in a letter of recommendation and what to pull out and use in your promo material for a blurb.
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Holiday Gift Idea!
The Beatles At Shea Stadium
The Story Behind Their Greatest Concert
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Get great blurbs (advertising) and put them where potential clients (buyers) will be sure to see them – near the beginning of your promo. It will entice them to read more about you. And if they like what they read, they’ll continue to read. And once they know more about the positives you can bring to their event – you’ll have a better chance of nailing the job.
You can also check out websites for other comedians and speakers. Any of us that have great letters of recommendation will have them posted online for potential clients to read. And blurbs? Come’on – that’s a given. Websites for working comics and speakers are loaded with them.
The deal is that you can talk yourself up all you want – and great salesmen are skilled at that. But nothing beats someone else talking you up. That’s what a great review – letter of recommendation and blurbs – will accomplish.
* Next week I’ll give you a tip on how to get letters of recommendation. Stay tuned…
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Dave Schwensen is the author of How To Be A Working Comic: An Insider’s Business Guide To A Career In Stand-Up Comedy, Comedy FAQs And Answers: How The Stand-Up Biz Really Works, and Comedy Workshop: Creating & Writing Comedy Material for Comedians & Humorous Speakers.
For information about these books, upcoming comedy workshops and private coaching for comedians and speakers in person, by phone or via Skype visit www.TheComedyBook.com
Copyright 2013 – North Shore Publishing
November 25, 2013
Money – how much should you ask for?
Hi Dave – The talent booker for a comedy club sent me the following: “How long is your routine and how much would you want to come to (city) to do a show?” I do 45 minutes to an hour, but on the money question I have no idea how to answer them. Obviously, I’d want enough to cover airfare. Between you and me, I’d stay with my grandmother who lives near the city. Any ideas? Thanks! – B.K.
Hey B.K. – I know the club you’re referring to. They’ve been in business for a long time and have a good reputation. And since you didn’t mention this being an offer for a one time gig – like a holiday party, private or corporate show – I’ll assume it’s for a weekend worth of shows at the club.
It’s really a tough call for me because I don’t know what the club manager / owner pays his acts. It’s not an “A” room like The Improv and Funny Bones, so a good guess is his price will be lower than what comics are paid in those clubs. But honestly, I don’t know that for a fact.
The bottom line is that this talent booker asked you a wide open question – putting you on the spot. Between you and me, (okay – also readers), the guy asking you this is a real turkey, (sorry for the Thanksgiving reference – but true). He works / runs a club that operates every single weekend – and has for years. He knows the going rate for openers, features and headliners. He has to because he’s been paying them.
So for him to ask YOU this question means he’s hoping you’ll come in lower than someone else just because you want to “get in” with the club.
And the fact of the matter is that he’s probably right. Comedians who have yet to really establish themselves, will hesitate to quote a higher price. They want to work the club, but don’t want to ruin their chances by asking for too much. The thought is that later they can negotiate a higher price when they’re a proven audience attraction.
This is part of the continual game played between bookers and newer talent. Comedians – and speakers – with solid credits can pretty much name their price.
With Jeff Foxworthy
For example, years ago when I was booking talent for The Great Lakes Comedy Festival I contacted talent reps for Ray Romano and Jeff Foxworthy for a theater show. Hey – sometimes you gotta think BIG, right? I’ve known both personally, but when it comes to business you always deal with agents and managers. Anyway, the fee I was quoted for each (and one included use of a private jet to fly in before the gig and leave immediately after) was outta-the-ballpark for a small, start-up comedy festival. But it was “the fee” and not negotiable.
When your career reaches the stratosphere – that’s how you can do business.
In the case of a newer comedian or speaker, you have to have the business sense, (no fear!), to ask for more information. The first question:
“How many shows do you want me to do?”
If it’s a series of shows – for instance, 5 shows over a weekend – ask what they pay per show. Headliners at small local clubs (think Holiday Inn on a weekend) can get anywhere from $100 and up per show. Even the major clubs have different pay rates depending on the night. For instance, they might bring in a cost-cutting headliner for a Tuesday night and pay big bucks for the show closer on Friday and Saturday. It depends on the club reputation and size of audiences.
The next question:
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“What do you usually pay your first-time headliners or first-time features, (or openers if that’s what you’re going for)?”
Also – do you know anyone who’s played this club? Are you on good enough terms that you can contact the comedian and ask what he or she was paid? If so – do it. Comedians don’t have a union – so at least in my opinion, you need to find a way to work together. Otherwise the club bookers will always have the upper hand.
Instead of throwing an open question at you – again, hoping you play low ball – the booker should make you an offer. He should come right out and say, “This is what we pay our headliners and/or features and/or openers.” And then ask if you want to work the club. Of course that’s in a perfect world and we don’t happen to live in one…
But as far as asking, “How much would you want?” That’s what they say in the corporate and college booking worlds. And when you’re working in those markets, you should already have a price. You throw that back at them – and leave room to negotiate travel, accommodations, food, merchandise and other $$$ stuff.
There are also other factors – especially in doing club gigs. Comedians, speakers and any type of performer has to consider his own track record. For instance, if a comedian consistently gets $1,000 per weekend – that’s his price. Options are plus airfare, hotel and food. The comedian tries to get his price up – and bookers try to get it down. It depends on the performer’s current popularity. If you were on TV starring in a Comedy Central special last week, you can ask for more than if your face hasn’t been seen on TV in over a decade.
In the case of a newer comedian or humorous speaker there are different considerations. Would you want to do this club as a chance to visit your grandmother? Would this club be a great credit on your resume? Are you gonna make new contacts that will lead to more work?
All things you need to think about…
Your best bet is to be up front about it. Send back a message asking what they are offering. Mention you’ll most likely be happy to work within their budget – but let the booker make an offer. Then you can negotiate if necessary.
Designated Driver
For instance, he might pay you more if you don’t use a hotel room that the club would normally provide. You can stay with grandma. You might also use grandma’s car – so there’s a few more bucks you’re saving the booker that (maybe) can be passed along to you.
You also mentioned airfare. A lot of clubs today are not paying airfare – and they used to. So yes, the bottom line is that you need to cover your expenses. When you’re working a club for the first time, come up a total you need for expenses. Then see what they offer you and if your expenses are covered. The amount of profit on top of that… well, since you’re a first-timer and weren’t on Comedy Central last week, your negotiation power might be limited.
In the end – if the club booker makes an offer – the decision is all yours. Is it worth it? Only you know for sure…
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Dave Schwensen is the author of How To Be A Working Comic: An Insider’s Business Guide To A Career In Stand-Up Comedy, Comedy FAQs And Answers: How The Stand-Up Biz Really Works, and Comedy Workshop: Creating & Writing Comedy Material for Comedians & Humorous Speakers.
For information about these books, comedy workshops and private coaching for comedians and speakers in person, by phone or via Skype visit www.TheComedyBook.com
Copyright 2013 – North Shore Publishing
November 18, 2013
Build your potential client contact list
Hi Dave – Speaking and comedy both sound like serious business. I’m dead serious about the value of comedy in business — way more serious than folks who don’t know how to laugh. How do I get those humorless folks to seriously see how silly it is to filter out fun from the expressions of ideas? How do I make it pay for me to show them how to make it pay for them? – R.W.
Hey R.W. – Here’s something I’ve noticed about the humorous speaking biz. It seems the people who need us the most – and you know the ones I’m talking about, the humorless people – are the last ones to search us out. In fact, I’ll go out on a limb and say the event planners that schedule humorous speakers already understand the value of humor in the business world. And like us, they’re just trying to convince the other people who need it most to use it.
Anyone who knows anything about the value of humor in business and everyday life already know the positives. I won’t get into a long list, but here are a few of my favorites:
Less stress
Better teamwork
Increased productivity and attendance
Improved networking
These are topics a lot of serious business speakers and trainers already talk about because their audiences deal with these on a daily basis. It sounds like you’re doing the same with humor as a solution. The way I see it, it doesn’t matter if you’re going to work or cleaning your house. You’re more inclined to actually do it if you can include an element of fun.
Okay, all that is just to show I agree with your point – and I’m sure many readers of this newsletter do also (the humorless people don’t subscribe). It is, as you so eloquently put it, silly to filter out fun from the expression of ideas. But as I see it, here’s your main question:
How do I make it pay for me to show them how to make it pay for them?
Your goal is to get this message to the humorless folks and get paid for it. But keep in mind they aren’t going to hire you to speak anymore than they would subscribe to this newsletter. They don’t understand the value of your message. That means you need to…
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Network with event planners (people who can hire you) that already agree with your message.
The best way to do this is to show them what you can do. In other words - get out and speak. And the best places to do this are where both humorous and humorless business folks network – meetings.
I’ve talked about this in past FAQs and Answers and even shared some excellent suggestions from readers on where to showcase your program. But for a simple instruction guide…
If you don’t have it already, create a short, (20 minutes is probably max), presentation about your topic and volunteer (for free) to speak at various organizations in your area. This could include Rotary Clubs, associations, charities, alumni groups, or whatever else you find. If you’re having trouble putting together a working presentation, check out my book Comedy Workshop: Creating & Writing Comedy Material for Comedians & Humorous Speakers at THIS LINK.
Free gigs for humorous speakers are like comedy club showcases for comedians. You don’t get paid, but you get in front of people who can hire (and pay!) you in the future. But that’s only the start. As I’ve also mentioned in previous FAQs And Answers you need to build a list of potential clients – buyers – through these free gigs and stay in touch with them.
It’s called networking.
Of course you should always take a stack of business cards to hand out after your presentation. This is a no-brainer and business common sense. Include your contact information and website and give a card to anyone who even looks at you sideways. Make it easy for them to find you.
Except that’s never a guarantee they’ll contact you. It’s important to give them a reason for you to stay in touch on a regular basis – otherwise you’ll just be another pain in the you-know-what.
Start a blog or send out a weekly or monthly newsletter, (hey – wait a minute – that’s how I got you to read this!). Make it informative and entertaining as an incentive for potential clients to at least check it out. Hopefully they’ll subscribe and you’ll become almost like an email family member (like we are right now – correct?).
Again, this makes it easy to find you in case they eventually want to hire you.
But simply handing out business cards can take a long time to build a decent list. You know what I mean – you hand out a bazillion cards and be lucky to hear from one or two people.
So here’s how to kick-start your contact list:
A great way to building potential clients and continue adding to your contact list is to have a prize drawing whenever you do one of these free programs. It’s up to you what the prize will be. It could be almost anything from a CD or printed transcript of your presentation to a plate of cookies. You could even offer a free or discounted presentation for their company. Use your imagination for this one and offer something you think most of your audience would want.
Here’s a personal example…
At the end of my programs, I announce a drawing to win a free autographed copy of one of my books. It doesn’t matter what book because even if the winner is not into the topic they’ll know someone who is and can give it as a gift. But to be in the drawing, they have to put a business card with an email address into a basket. The trade-off is that everyone who enters will be added to the mailing list to receive my corporate (not this one!) newsletter.
BUT – and this is an important but – I make it clear they can easily unsubscribe through a link in the email. They just need to receive it once. If they like it, they’ll continue to receive it. If not just opt-out and they’ll never hear from me again. And that’s the honest truth.
Everyone who wants to enter puts a business card in the basket. I draw one and that person leaves with a book. I leave the free gig with a basket full of contacts that could possibly turn into paying clients.
So there you go. How do you reach the people who need your message? Get out and preach the gospel – your ideas – in front of people who already get it. Go to where business people and event planners can see and hear you. Use these free gigs to build your contact list.
There are no guarantees they’ll hire you, but at least you’re giving them – and yourself – a chance. You gotta show them what you can do and stay in touch.
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Dave Schwensen is the author of How To Be A Working Comic: An Insider’s Business Guide To A Career In Stand-Up Comedy, Comedy FAQs And Answers: How The Stand-Up Biz Really Works, and Comedy Workshop: Creating & Writing Comedy Material for Comedians & Humorous Speakers.
For information about these books, comedy workshops and private coaching for comedians and speakers in person, by phone or via Skype visit www.TheComedyBook.com
Copyright 2013 – North Shore Publishing
November 4, 2013
Finding stage time
Hey Dave – I have performed terribly at three open-mics in Kentucky. Could you point me in the direction of a “lower-end” establishment in Ohio? I’m looking for a place that does not require you to bring five friends. I don’t know five people. Thanks, J.
Hey J. – Thanks for thinking of me when it comes to “lower end” establishments. Maybe I should start calling this the Blue Collar Column… NOT!!
Okay, while we wait for Bill Engvall’s next turn on Dancing with the Stars, I’ll share some thoughts about how to get stage time at open-mics whether you’re in Kentucky, Ohio, or wherever.
But before we get into that, let’s talk about having to bring friends if you want to perform…
Usually if an open-mic (or showcase) night is not offered by a legit comedy club, they seem to be here one minute and gone the next. And to make a general statement, open-mics are usually in bars or nightclubs. Yeah, I know there are open-mics in churches and other places, but I’m being general right now. Engvall’s on after the next commercial break.
If a “lower end” establishment runs a profitable comedy open-mic (attracts paying customers) chances are it’ll keep going. If not, then the owner needs to find something else that will bring in money – like investing in a giant screen TV for football season.
The Business Deal
That’s why there are so many “pay-to-play” or bringer clubs where you have to bring x-amount of paying customers if you want to get on stage. This is a business deal. Comics get valuable stage experience to work on improving their performances and material so they can eventually move on to paying gigs in “higher end” comedy clubs. From management’s point of view, that’s what they’re “giving” you.
The trade-off is that the performing comics need to bring in paying customers. Making money is what keeps these clubs in business. From management’s point of view that’s what comics are “giving” them.
By the way, this is proof I didn’t sleep through all my college economics classes.
I can go into some of my stories about open-mics in NYC that always had an audience and comics just signed up and performed. For the most part, it’s not like that anymore. Now you need x-amount of friends who are willing to drop a few bucks for a cover charge and a couple drinks to help further your career.
There’s some good advice on how to beat the bringer system in my book Comedy FAQs And Answers from my good pal and NYC comedy coach, Chris Murphy. I’d share it with you now, but my NYC publisher wouldn’t be too happy. You can check it out for free at your local library, or drop a few bucks on Amazon.com (it’s in paperback, Kindle, Nook and iBook).
And now that Introduction to Economics 101 is over, let’s get back to your original question – finding open-mics. After all, that’s the direction you want to be pointed in…
One leads to another
As mentioned, open-mics come and go. I used to hand out a long list in my comedy workshops to help everyone find stage time. And since I’ve done these in different states, it was quite a long list. I’d call the major comedy clubs to see what they had going, but for the local open-mic scene I’d rely on info from the current workshop members and add that to the list. But by the time I started the next workshop, that list was already outdated. The open-mics that were hot only a few weeks earlier had stopped and the comics had found new places to perform.
So instead of handing out a road map that sometimes led nowhere (a club that ditched comedy for a big screen TV), there’s a better way. It’s called research and networking.
If you have an eye on a certain area, in your case Ohio, do a Google search for comedy clubs. It’s easy – I do it all the time to see what’s going on and who’s appearing in other cities. If they have an open-mic it’ll be listed on their website. Remember, they’re in business and it’s always good business sense to promote whatever they have going on.
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Also, there’s always a phone number. Again, it’s good business sense.
From my experience, rarely will the club owner or manager answer the phone. That’s why they have people working in the box office, telemarketers and other staff. I only mention this because a lot of comics worry about making a lasting bad first impression on the person who ultimately controls who performs and who is banished to comedy hell for bothering them with annoying phone calls. I’ve also learned a lot of people who answer phones in comedy clubs are also aspiring comics.
Hey – if you wanna be a plumber, you work with plumbers. If you wanna be a doctor, you intern with doctors. If you wanna be a comedian… Make sense? And there’s no way you can argue with me about that. Too many of the former door-guys I worked with at the NYC Improv have gone onto successful comedy careers. They got firsthand experience on how this business works by being involved in the comedy scene.
Hint: Read that last sentence again. It’s a road map to where we’re going with this…
Even if you’re not ready to perform at a legit comedy club’s open-mic (trust me, you’ll need a lot more than three times on stage to even think about it) ask the person who answers the phone if they know of any open-mics in the area. Even if they say no, it won’t make a lasting bad first impression on anyone who can give you stage time. It’ll just make you do another Google search and find another club to call.
But is there an open-mic?
When you find even ONE “lower end” establishment call and ask if they’re doing open-mics. Word of warning: I remember two comedians from my workshop that followed through on the fist step, but skipped the second. They didn’t find out the open-mic was history and now a sports bar until after a four hour one-way drive. Even worse, the two comics I’m thinking of didn’t like either of the teams on the big screen TV.
If the open-mic is in business – go there. The deal is, once you find one open-mic you’ll meet other comedians and can start learning about the area comedy scene. It’s called networking. Be supportive and watch the other comics. Do your time on stage and get to know these people. After all you share the same interest – comedy.
Don’t be a “user” and don’t be annoying. That’s a good way to keep the number of friends on your list under five. Ask if they know of any other open-mics and make a point to be there. If you know of open-mics in your area, share the info.
It’s all about becoming a part of that particular comedy scene.
I know it sounds simple. But you know what? It usually is if you’re serious about doing this. I’ve been waaay involved in the comedy scenes in three major cities and I’ve seen how this works. I don’t just make this stuff up during commercial breaks.
Sharing the ride
Comics can be very supportive of each other and it’s a tough business to go at it alone. It can be good to walk into a new club and see a few familiar faces. Ride share with other comics or start a writing group. There are all kinds of ways to get involved and that’s what you need to do.
And yeah, to off-set any emails I might receive about that positive outlook, you’ll also run into others who are complete jerks. But you know what? You’ll find that in any business. Just deal with their negativity the best you can and focus on where you want to go as a comic and how to get there.
Okay, that might have been long-winded, but here’s the business deal. Once you get involved in a local comedy scene you’ll get to know the other comics. You’ll learn about other open-mics and that’s how you’ll know where to go for stage time. But remember to be supportive. If you can help someone get on stage, there’s a better chance they’ll help you. Simple? From what I’ve seen, it usually is.
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Dave’s How To Be A Working Comic Workshop
At The Cleveland Improv beginning Nov 9, 2013 is SOLD-OUT!!
Thanks to everyone for all your networking help!
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Dave Schwensen is the author of How To Be A Working Comic: An Insider’s Business Guide To A Career In Stand-Up Comedy, Comedy FAQs And Answers: How The Stand-Up Biz Really Works, and Comedy Workshop: Creating & Writing Comedy Material for Comedians & Humorous Speakers.
For information about these books, comedy workshops and private coaching for comedians and speakers in person, by phone or via Skype visit www.TheComedyBook.com
Copyright 2013 – North Shore Publishing
October 28, 2013
Scary moments on stage
Hey Dave – Happy Halloween. What’s the scariest thing that ever happened to you on stage? – P.E.
Doesn’t look good…
Hey P.E. – You’re getting a little personal with your question. But I’ll use my personal experience to share some advice (that I learned the hard way) about how you can control your first moments on stage. It’s all about influencing the audience before you ever say a word…
But before I continue, since this is Halloween week and we’re talking about scary moments, here’s a book I’ve plugged in this column before that I think every comic should read. Written by comedians Ritch Shydner and Mark Schiff, it’s called I Killed: True Stories of the Road from America’s Top Comics. It’s filled with hilarious experiences from pre-famous comedians talking about their scariest moments on stage and on the road. It’s great for both comics and humorous speakers to know they’re not alone when bad things happen to funny people. You can read more about it on Amazon.com.
This gets scary…
Okay, now my personal story…
A few years ago I designed a course in business communications for Cleveland State University. We did this based on my comedy coaching and it involves using humor and creativity as conversational tools. It’s a seven hour class with a 60 page workbook, but I do an abbreviated version with a four page handout as a one hour keynote or half day training seminar for businesses and various organizations.
In other words, there is some entertainment value because it involves a lot of humor and a lot of in-class participation. But since I’m a trainer and a coach, I consider it a humorous educational presentation and definitely not stand-up comedy. That information is on the website and also made very clear in the promotional video. If you’d like to check it out – www.talkingforsuccess.com.
One afternoon around this time of year – Halloween (what are the chances – right?) – I received a call from an agent I no longer work with. Reason why is coming…
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He wanted to book me to do my presentation for a company’s Christmas party. I said no – it’s not a stand-up comedy act and I assumed they would want entertainment for the party. He insisted they wanted me – and even put me in touch with the meeting planner.
I spoke with the woman who swore she had researched my website and viewed the promo video. She said I was perfect for the event because she thought the employees would want to learn what I had to say about using humor in communications. Even after telling her it’s not a stand-up comedy act, she wanted to do the booking. I figured she knew what she was talking about, she was offering good money, so I said yes.
Full of hot air
I had about a five hour drive to get to this event. When I arrived at the restaurant where the party was, I noticed it wasn’t just adult employees. It was also their spouses and kids. And a lot of them were young kids who would be much happier with a magician or a balloon artist, rather than a keynote speaker.
Okay, that was bad enough – but I thought I could still make this work. Then it got worse…
The guy who was going to introduce me said he had my introduction, given to him by the event planner. I should’ve checked it first…
As I stood off to the side with my training seminar hand-outs and great advice share – university course worthy advice – on improving business communication skills, this guy gave me an introduction any comedian would be envious of.
Problem was, none of it was true.
He said I had appeared on The Tonight Show, (I consulted), A&E’s An Evening At The Improv, (I was Talent Coordinator), and a regular at The Improv comedy clubs, (I was talent booker). These are all behind-the-scenes gigs, but he made it seem like I was only days away from having my own Comedy Central special. He announced that I was the “entertainment” for the Christmas party and promised everyone they would have a lot of laughs.
Then he introduced me.
My audience
I won’t get into the gory details, but it wasn’t pretty. I did a college business communications training seminar to a lot of little kids seated on the floor in front of the stage who just stared at me with blank faces. Their parents, seated at tables with cocktails, finger sandwiches and my workbook hand-outs we were going to use during my presentation, were wondering why I didn’t make any of their kids levitate or at least send them home with balloon animals. It was the longest hour of my speaking career and as soon as it ended I was out of the door and driving five hours home – even though the gig came with a hotel room for the night.
The one thing that worked in my favor was that I had been paid before walking on stage. I called the agent on my drive home and gave him a piece of my mind, which wasn’t a humorous conversation. Though I will admit it was creative. We no longer work together.
Here’s what I’ve learned from this experience.
Plan ahead to maintain control over as much of your performance – both on and off stage – as you can. Make sure anyone who introduces you has your introduction correct. Since that scary moment on stage, I have it in all my contracts that my introduction is read word-for-word with no exceptions, changes or ad-libs. I send a copy with the contract and also bring one with me to my programs. This way the audience will have a good idea of what to expect before I ever say a word. The last thing I want is a room full of people expecting Jay Leno or Carrot Top – and I walk on stage with my workbook hand-outs. Talk about scary…!
And finally, I’ve also learned one other thing. I no longer accept any bookings for Christmas parties.
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Dave’s How To Be A Working Comic Workshop
At The Cleveland Improv beginning Nov 9, 2013 is SOLD-OUT!!
Thanks to everyone for all your networking help!
——————————————————————————————-
Dave Schwensen is the author of How To Be A Working Comic: An Insider’s Business Guide To A Career In Stand-Up Comedy, Comedy FAQs And Answers: How The Stand-Up Biz Really Works, and Comedy Workshop: Creating & Writing Comedy Material for Comedians & Humorous Speakers.
For information about these books, comedy workshops and private coaching for comedians and speakers in person, by phone or via Skype visit www.TheComedyBook.com
Copyright 2013 – North Shore Publishing
