Mary Byler's Blog

Passengers on a Bus or a Surrey

Linda is brave, courageous and careful about her safety as she navigates life after leaving the Old Order Amish church she was born in. As a parent and a survivor she has done a ton of work to be able to have the child sexual abuse she experienced reported on her terms which is beneficial to her. We are so proud of her and I hope Linda is as proud of herself as we are of her. It is an honor to be a guest on Linda's surrey of life. -Mary

In 2018 when I met Linda, we bonded over coffee and our shared Amish backgrounds. We talked about the oppression we had experienced, and the way assimilation affected us. We laughed and talked for hours and then we went home to our respective locations. We chatted periodically in the years that followed.

In 2021, when Jasper Hoffman and I put out a call for folks to accompany us to an Amish Abuse Awareness Meeting, Linda was on-board, she packed up and drove a couple hours to meet us there. At the meeting she saw the person who sexually abused her as a child. Linda also learned that even though it was many years ago, she could still report the abuse and there could be an investigation into the case. She reached out to me next when she had asked an organization local to her for assistance in reporting and the way they had made her feel was re-traumatizing, triggering and dangerous, as if the organization would probably contact her previous church leaders to verify her experience. I asked her if they had a detective on retainer and she said no. They also asked for detailed written narratives about the abuse that were completely unnecessary from an advocate perspective. I asked if they had a lawyer on retainer, she said again no. They wanted her to provide her evidence that the abuse transpired to them. My question was: what qualifies them to investigate child sexual abuse? What training and education do the people involved in this organization have for providing investigative services? Could it potentially interfere with an investigation from LEO’s? What would be best for you?

At that moment, Linda asked for someone else to assist her in person to report it. We worked together to locate a person who could help her report it in person that she trusted. When the time came, Linda decided that she wasn’t ready to report mentally. We assured her, this was ok, and we understood. We support her and we believe her. She deserves justice but it is her decision when and how to report it. We will be here when she is ready.

Over the next 3.5 years Linda stayed connected as needed. We built our relationship and Linda built her support network. In October of 2024, her new therapist that she has been seeing has helped her report the child sexual abuse she experienced and IS boots on the ground supporting her. Linda did a lot of work to build connections with folks that feel trustworthy to her and with folks that will be supportive, despite what slanderous lies may come from her church of origin. Linda deserves justice. To empower victims of child sexual abuse may take years of work and it may feel like you’re not making headways, but somedays you might receive a phone call that tells you the work and connection you have built with someone has been helpful.

Furthermore, when you are an advocacy agency that purports to serve survivors and assist them in reporting.

Stay in your lane. The road to hell is often paved with the best of intentions, bridges built with thoughts and prayers and people doing things they are unqualified to do. Organizations operating with victim empowerment principles tend to generally be passengers on the bus or surrey the victim is driving, perhaps the TC (tactical control) assistant, but never the driver. People who have experienced repetitive crimes and then been gaslit for decades, blamed and shamed for being children who experienced sexual violence need to be supported through the process of taking over both tactical control and driving the bus or surrey of their life. It is not a one size fits all approach and its not a battle, it’s a long-term commitment to the journey with many battles along the way and an absolute honor to walk with people who are taking back their power. BRAVO Linda! YOU go. YOU got this. YOU are ENOUGH AND WORTHY OF JUSTICE.

We are here cheering you on.

Mary and The Misfit Amish

Gay Man Marries Straight Woman

Joe Kramer is a pen name for an Old Order Mennonite man, who is having difficulty navigating the below journey. We are honored to hold space for him to share his experiences in being gay inside of the church. He loves his culture, but is at a loss on how to navigate the marriage he ended up in, if you would like to write to him directly, send an email to info@themisfitamish.com  

Please be aware that this blog contains potentially disturbing information and language about conversion therapy experiences.  This is an example of what may happen when gay people are encouraged to marry people they are not attracted to. If you want to learn more about the experiences of straight women who marry men, please consider this article from Psychology today https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/love-and-sex-in-the-digital-age/201902/when-gay-men-mismarry-straight-women-bonnie-kayes-story

Thank you for being kind and compassionate. -Mary 

Requesting advice: Old Order Mennonite man here, age 41. I've  experienced an unwanted same-sex attraction from my earliest memories. I'm now working on the second year in a mixed -orientation marriage; we're surviving -but barely. Ain't nobody happy.

 

The backstory: I was raised in a very sheltered home. Anything related to sex and reproduction was a taboo subject. Our attitude was that we were in the "most right" church in the world. I was the oldest, and much more inquisitive/adventurous than the rest of my family. This was viewed as a threat which is probably why I never bonded, and always preferred to do things independently from them. The constant negativity/criticism caused me to doubt everything I did. I had a lot of fear around becoming and taking on the responsibilities of an adult, and yet at the same time, I've fantasized a lot about going far away. I've always had a sensitive conscience, and truly wanted to serve God. I embraced and supported our church's views and values.

 

 I don't remember a specific moment where I "accepted that I was gay"; looking back, the attractions were always there; I just slowly came to the realization that I wasn't completely like other guys, probably mid-teens.  I tried dating around age 24, but broke it off because I didn't feel like I was qualified to marry.  I decided that being single was my only option...that I'd never allow anyone to pressure me into marriage; yet as my friends got married off and my social circle was shrinking, this became increasingly difficult. My desire for romantic love was growing. At age 30, I connected deeply with another conservative SSA guy. Breaking off that friendship "for conscience sake" plunged me into depression and despair. Out of desperation, I approached a church leader (who had written a pamphlet on homosexuality) for advice.  He directed me to a church brother who was a self-appointed conversion therapist.  This therapist cautioned me not to receive input from anyone who did not affirm "that God can remove ssa, and that marriage could be a real possibility" He also connected me to a number of same-sex-attracted brethren who "were in happy marriages with women". Every one strongly advised me to consider marriage, claiming that it would satisfy my desire for love. One of them in particular took me under his wing, and put forth a lot of effort to support me. Although what they were telling me sounded far-fetched, still they were so sincere and kind. They had personal experience, and claimed to be able to understand my fears and objections to marriage. I came to trust them ahead of my own intuition.

 

She wasn't blatant, but I sensed that I was the object of desire of a certain woman in my group of friends; someone who's house church/unhealthy family situation kinda cut her off from having many possibly suitors. She definitely fit the example of a Prov. 31 woman. That's what I admired about her. Our friends were sometimes trying to pair us up because of how well we worked together on projects. My advisors felt like she would be a good fit for me. Eventually she brought up the dating subject with me, and I asked if she could envision a relationship with me. Of course, she could! What followed were a lot of disclosures which did not frighten her away. In fact, she became annoyed by all the objections I was bringing up saying she felt I wasn't committed to even trying to make the relationship work.

 

What followed was 2 1/2 years of (mostly group/family setting) dating  (she was ready to marry at 1 year) and frequent communications with her and my advisors. I tried to do the "right" thing, but it often felt like I was always being prodded and cajoled in the direction of marriage. I tried to be honest with her and the advisors about my feelings. It seems there was some selective hearing, and a lot of spiritual language was used to nullify my fears and objections. (I have too little faith, I'm too negative, I overthink things, the Devil is the source of my doubts since he doesn't want me to marry, feelings would develop after marriage, walking away would bring a lifetime of regret, mixed-orientation marriages worked for my advisors and it would for me too.) In my efforts to do everything right, I occasionally tried to express words of love, and of dreams of a happy future. She latched on to this.

 

I was so dedicated to our church's views, and so determined to be cured that I was willing to just take the next right step all the way up to getting engaged. At that point I freaked out, and tried to get out. I commented that what they were asking me to do was repulsive of me. My girlfriend said she knew marriage didn't make sense under the circumstances, but God had told her to marry me, and she was at peace about that. I was praying every hour for God to step in and somehow stop the marriage, but He didn't. So I entered marriage believing that she and my advisors all totally understood my fears and reservations. Imagine my horror to find out later that my wife believed I had felt love for her (even though I had specifically told her I felt no emotional or physical attraction, and being together alone was silent and awkward), that I desired marriage, and was just unreasonably afraid of sex. She felt if she was a good wife, she could cure me; and if the sexual part didn't work out, at least we could be good friends and live a happy life together.

 

Needless to say, the wedding trip and first year of marriage have been a total disaster. I have not been able to connect in any way, emotionally or sexually, or feel comfortable and relaxed together as friends, not even in the same room.  I've experienced a lot of depression, and insomnia, and feel totally trapped. It feels like we drain each other like a shorted out battery.  Fantasizing about leaving is what gives strength for each day. I loath myself for what I've done; I feel emasculated and ruined. Resentment is creeping in. My wife is always sad and crying and feels deceived and rejected by me. The question has been raised, and with good reason, how long until our mental and physical health begins to fail us. I already feel numb and sluggish. Two of my advisors have apologized for giving bad advice. One admitted he thought marriage would prevent me from running off with a man.

 

What should I do? Divorce is a cardinal sin. Annulment isn't recognized as valid. Separation would be considered highly selfish, even though in any case, I'd be committed to meeting her financial needs. I want to become a hermit. And what about my wife's desire to be with me under almost any conditions? Is there any way she can be happy with me?

 

I mostly love my church. It's such a big part of my identity. My experience there has been largely positive. Leaving and starting life over would be a huge upheaval. I'd be vulnerable to self-destructive behavior. I'd carry a lot of guilt and shame...and yet my current regret and shame is almost unbearable. It feels unsustainable. I cannot comfortably face or socialize with any of my old friends now that they are finding out why we appear unhappy. That adds another layer of shame....shame that I allowed myself to be coerced into doing what I really didn't want to/think that I should do; shame that I'm continually hurting a good woman who would do anything for me, shame that I don't think I can keep up this charade of a marriage forever, and shame that most who are approaching me are giving me full responsibility for the situation including that having same-sex attractions is in and of itself a sin, and I need to just choose to reject SSA, change my attitude, buckle down and make this marriage work. My (secular) therapist I've started seeing says it's clear to him that I don't trust myself, that I want others to tell me what to do, and that's how I got myself into this mess between a rock and a hard place.

 

Has anyone faced anything similar. Is it possible that I would eventually be able to accept and be happy in this marriage if I continue to keep forcing myself to do the right thing? And what about my wife and her feelings? What would you recommend for me to do?

 

My deepest thanks for your advice.

Joe Kramer

Christian Counseling & PSG

I just spoke to an Amish woman who survived CSA, she went to a place called Strait Pathways where she was given an hour with a counselor. She has given me permission to publish the following. -Mary

Counselors:

She informed the counselor she experienced CSA and she learned that many survivors of CSA also experience abuse later in life, which she learned at an Abuse meeting.

The counselor informed the survivor, she now has sexual ties with the perpetrators because of the CSA she had experienced and she wants to cut those ties.

Doesn't this completely disregard the consequences of CSA and makes medical conditions a spiritual issue?

The counselor also informed the survivor they felt an urgency to pray the breaking the soul ties prayer today.

The counselor instructed the survivor to read this breaking soul ties prayer out loud:

Heavenly Father, I take responsibility for the sin of sexual immoralities with (insert name or names here) and I repent of it and put it under the blood of Christ. I ask you to break the

sinful bond with (insert name or names here) in the name of Jesus Christ. I ask that you would separate my body, soul and spirit totally from (insert name or names here). I ask that you would retrieve any part of myself that is with (insert name or names here) and I release any part of (insert name or names here) that is with me. I also ask that you would cancel out all demonic activity and disconnect all demonic links connecting me to (insert name or names here). I take responsibility for sin of (insert name or names here) and repent of it and the spirit of it in my life and in my generations.

I break all soul ties in the name of Jesus Christ and through his shed blood between myself and (insert name or names here) and any spirits that came on me through contact with (insert name or names here), I renounce in the name of Jesus and command them to leave. I renounce all uses of my body as an instrument of unrightousness. I choose to present my eyes, mouth,mind, heart, feet and sexual organs to you as instruments of righteousness. I present my whole body to you as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable and I choose to reserve the sexual use of my body for marriage only. I reject the enemies lie that my body is not clean or that its dirty and unacceptable to you in any way because of my past sexual experiences.

Father, I thank you that you have totally cleansed and forgiven me and that you love and accept me just as I am. Therefore, I choose now to accept myself and my body as clean in your eyes. Thank you, Father in Jesus Name. Amen.

The counselor then proceeded to pray over her:

Father God, I just come before you in the coourtroom of heaven on behalf of (inserted Survivor's name here), and I come before Jesus, who is her defense attorney. I command that all traffic from all soul ties must cease and be completely broken off and that they leave (inserted survivors name here) and go directly where you, Jesus commands them to go touching and harming no one on the way. Father God, I ask for a release of your love over (inserted survivors name) and that she would feel your love and that she would see yourself as you see her, that she is a woman of great value and that you have redeemed her and that you have cleansed her and you see her as pure and holy before you. In Jesus name, Amen.

Can you imagine how the survivor felt reading that or even listening to the therapists prayer for purity?

(The survivor actually experienced CSA, lives with PTSD, and other medical conditions, which the survivor repeatedly disclosed during the sesssion, prayer might feel comforting if done in a consensual manner and not insinuating that because the survivor has experienced CSA, she has sexual ties with abusers and/or demon/spirit possession.)

After she spoke to this counselor, the Bishop of her church (whom the counselor also asked for his name during the session) went out of his way in church and stopped right by her bench and said specifically to the survivor that just because you experienced CSA, doesn't mean you don't have to honor thy father and thy mother.

When the survivor contacted the counselor and asked if the things they shared were kept confidential, the counselor replied: we try to protect the survivors as much as possible.

Survivor: I won't be coming back to you.

Context: Survivor had attempted to set a boundary with an Amish church member that had been abusive to them or their loved ones - did not take phone calls with them, and then the survivor participated in communion. People claimed the survivor was unforgiving because they set this boundary of not communicating with people who harmed themselves and/or others.

Peer Support Groups

When people create peer support groups - they often may expect an outcome that fails to account for:

The ways many insular groups are taught to fear - anyone external to the group and therefore it can heavily impact the journey to feeling safe enough to discuss the topic of abuse.

The many ways people external to the group have failed to provide appropriate support, resources and medical care for abuse survivors.

The lack of linguistic capability in many insular communities to begin talking about abuse, especially when they speak a different primary language.

The length of time it may take to establish enough trust - for folks who attend to actually open up may vary, I've seen it be more than 5 years.

Does that mean peer support to talk about divorce and abuse is inadequate and ineffective?

Not necessarily in my opinion, the fact they were discussing divorce and abuse as well as engaging in questions to help them understand their own or their loved ones options better - could lead to some insightful moments for the group.

Group leaders, however should be equipped with the education, tools and knowledge to actually facilitate productive and healthy discussion such as NAMI standards.

https://namicolorado.org/peer-to-peer/

Amish Book Society 2024

By Mary Byler and Rachel Martin

A group who moderates Amish schools in certain communities. They might visit parents if children are acting out or engaging in bullying or even experiencing difficulties in learning. 

****Some settlements may have the Book Society, others just have school boards and still others utilize a Steering committee. The Ministry outranks the Book Society in the authority structure which is why the Book Society is first engaging in attempts to rectify the situation, but then making referrals for church discipline if the parents do not come to compliance.

The following letter has been circulated in Lancaster County Old Order Amish Churches:

Translation from Pennsylvania German

Line 2: A greeting of love and peace in the name of Jesus.

The Ministry has lost control over technology in their homes, schools, and businesses. They are now attempting to use the Amish Book Society to regain control over access to technology. This is all about power and control and understanding not only privilege but the hierarchy of Amish ministry and church districts. 

For one reason or another the church has been ineffective in keeping technology out of Amish homes, schools and businesses. Many people have had cell phones since they were teenagers and their children are also accustomed to technology at that point. It is part of their life. The church made it possible for them to straddle the line or to crowd the fence but has now decided to invoke the Amish Book Society to do their dirty work, only stepping in if the book society is ineffective, because the actual people in power aren’t capable of doing their own dirty work.

It's asking parents to turn away from things they've perhaps used most of their lives and if they don't, their options are severely limited. 

Leave the church and potentially lose their community and families of origin, and in some cases their businesses

Stay and remove technology which will definitely impact their businesses and home life quality 

Stay and don't remove technology and watch their children suffer and be punished for the sins of the parents (which rest upon the children)

Stay and don't remove technology but perhaps seek out a different school for their children which is again - the most marginalized within the communities will suffer the most. 

What about children who have learning disabilities and require interactive devices to learn? Where does this leave those children and their families?

Could this be leading to either a mass exodus of Old Order Amish churches and/or a church split ?

Liberation

Liberation Day!

 To learn more about my life prior to Sins of the Amish, you may read my book: Reflections and Memories of An Amish Misfit: "My therapist says that’s not true, but I digress"

Let me begin by saying February 16th, 2004, to February 16th, 2024, encompassed a variety of experiences, I can't begin to describe them all or summarize them all into a one-hour recording or a short blog post. When I threw my kapp (head covering) on the road and put that letter in the mailbox I had no idea how I was going to survive but I had a friend who told me they believed I was going to survive. They believed I could learn new skills. They believed I could access the resources I would need to survive in dominant culture society. Even when I didn't believe I could do it, other people believed in me.

 

Twenty years ago, I was terrified, there was a lump in my throat and my stomach bottomed out as I fought the nausea and fought at the idea that I was sinning by escaping.

 

I had to establish my identity first, and people helped me do this.

I passed my GED test in spring of 2004. I became a CNA in 2005. I completed my High School Equivalency Diploma in 2006. I joined the Army in 2006. I completed my associates degree in 2010.

My friends taught me how to drive in the best way, the Midwestern way, and I passed my driver's test in 2004.

 

I went on to take the steps necessary to conceal my location and make as many moves as necessary to remove the access to harass and stalk me.

These steps involved legally changing my name, moving, and more. I found that some steps were more beneficial than others. I also learned how to speak without giving away too much information about my location.

When I was chaptered out of the military for lack of a family care plan, it invoked another shift in how I saw the world. I received a chapter 8 - “involuntary separation due to parenthood” is what it’s called.

 

Furthermore, my name was legally changed. You will not find the name Mary Byler in the archives. The battle buddies I've made from the military have been some of the staunchest supporters and friends I've ever met. Some of the veterans I know have been the most beneficial in helping me make meaning out of life after trauma. Even though our trauma stemmed from different sources, they knew the consequences of PTSD. Some veterans I know have also lent their time and energy to me during some of the darker days I've seen since I've escaped. Thank you, and you know who you are. Keep it moving.

 

I wanted to share a special part of my life with the world, for this liberation day, specifically something that has embodied who I am today and where I came from: my redesigned Amish dress. When my dear friend James suggested I apply to be on Soft White Underbelly - I had never heard of the podcast before. I’d watched a few of the episodes about child sexual abuse before I decided that maybe it would be ok to apply, so I did. I thought maybe I could showcase my remade and beautiful galaxy Old Order Amish style dress I’d drafted the pattern for, based on my own measurements and the style of dress in one of the settlements I lived in. I wanted to share with the world the idea that joy is possible in life after adversity and even despite the trauma that you may have experienced. Sometimes that joy may come from places we might have never dared to dream could exist.

 

I sent Mark an email and we spoke. I shared my dress and asked if it would be ok if I wore my dress for the interview. I also asked if the interview could be released in February for sure, but specifically Feb 16th is my liberation day and I wanted this to be a celebratory kind of  interview, as in twenty years later, here I am. There is joy in life.

 

I don't know if my goals were entirely accomplished, but I do know that I also wanted to wear the dress to represent the group of Amish born or raised who come to The Misfit Amish events. They asked me to wear it.

It is ours. It represents us and how some of us love color, art, and creativity, we are diverse and human in our representation.

In fact, the yarn I was crocheting with (and many who know me, know I often crochet during interviews and conversations, I love deep and meaningful conversations) was a gift from a dear friend of mine which helped me as it felt comforting to feel it as I crocheted, the perfect weight and texture for me to stim, too. My Amish-raised friend sent me a box of yarn in January. I carefully selected the soft yarn that happened to be soft, and perfect stimming material against my skin. I loved the feeling against my fingers as I was being recorded.

The earrings I wore were another gift - from a trafficking survivor, Joy Alona whom I met at a Christmas Market in 2021. Joy started making these earrings out of ground up papers from her life experiences documented on paper.

During this interview, I was visually and physically reminded by wearing the earrings, the dress, and the yarn  - I am not back there.

However, an unexpected thing I encountered was being deeply uncomfortable with Mark - and don't take this as an attack, I am a survivor and I like to think I'm thriving in life. I have friends. I can hold a job.

But the discomfort partially came from conversations wherein I felt stereotypes of Amish came  across in simply the initial questions asked.

Hear me out though, the world often doesn't know they are stereotyping Amish because it's simply the way Amish have been portrayed in media of all sorts. Comedians and novelists have long profited off comedy and  portrayals of  Amish as simple, stupid, cognitively impaired, and unrealistic, which is far too often how our lived experiences get measured.

Even so-called experts have written about us in academic journals - media of all sorts have perpetuated narratives about the Amish that are half-truths, and some are outright lies. We are simply people, from a different culture who also happen to have English as a second language. I don't think this is Mark's fault, I’m not here to throw blame specifically, but that lent itself to an uncomfortable beginning for me. Another thing was sitting on the stool, it was backless and somewhat shocked me to be honest at my internal reaction. I felt like I was back in an Amish church service for several hours, which in reviewing the video I can see it affected my body language during the interview. The cushion, however, reminded me I wasn't back there. The dress with accessories made it easier to maintain my composure throughout the interview, even when the straight pins started poking.

Let me explain. In many ways I can manage a lot of my trauma responses with physical coping skills and internal dialogue skills. Physical tools like the dress, earrings and yarn being a symbol of freedom and joy in the world made it much easier to discuss the things I wanted to discuss on my terms.

Often, when folks interview trauma survivors, they expect and almost demand for us to trauma dump which in and of itself is a LOT. This was not the case. I also didn't know Mark at all. That was a challenge for me. It was different. I did not feel obligated to delve deep into the trauma I’d experienced, and I didn't want too either. I didn't feel rushed to keep talking when I needed to sort out my thoughts and have a moment. I felt like I could take my time and I am grateful for that. I appreciated the lack of invasive questions about the trauma I experienced.

Sometimes, when someone interviews me that I know decently in professional and personal realms, I'm able to engage in a different way with a different connection - for example Shelise on Cults to Consciousness is a survivor as well. Our conversation and connection were vastly different than what I experienced with Mark. Similarly, a conversation I might have with a reporter might be vastly different from a conversation with any of my friends at Into Account vs any of my friends or even my colleagues. Lastly, when I present something with slides etc. in a professional capacity, I may speak differently than if I were at a rally speaking. I also wouldn't address a group of soldiers the same way I would address a group of civilians. Sometimes you can tailor information to the audience you wish to reach. Be concise and specific, but careful to refrain from overgeneralizing.

Joy is allowed to engulf you and fill you up.

Giving yourself permission to feel joy.

The covering is a nod to a cousin of mine who wore coverings in that style. This one was a little too fancy for our settlements since it was a two-way pleated kapp.

This was about the meshing of two cultures and two worlds; how difficult it can be to swing the pendulum from one side to another completely. However, there are things embedded within different cultural traditions that don’t go away.

The dress made it easier to speak in many ways. But then the backless stool I felt like I was sitting in Amish church, and I was doing the unthinkable and speaking, which for anyone unfamiliar with the type of Old Order Amish I was, women were not allowed to preach or even lead songs during a church service.

But then the cushion reminded me

The issue of Amish men speaking for women is bullshit. The ways people speak over and for Amish women is garbage.

I wanted Amish women to feel represented by this video.

 I think that the dress that I drafted off my measurements and the style of the last settlement I lived in, and specifically made it slightly "net in die adning" is something saying: this is mine.

I have rights.

You have rights.

We have rights.

Our voices deserve to be heard.

Our voices matter.

Being a guest on Soft White Underbelly was an honor and tribute to the last twenty years since I escaped. A shout-out to all the folks I've met along the way. A way to recognize both the joy of escaping and the significance of the consequences of exiting a high control religious group while sharing some of my joy in life today.

We are enough.

PS. For the folks wondering about my child, I am choosing to keep information about my child private, as their whereabouts and life are not for public consumption. Thank you for respecting and honoring that.

 

 

 

 

Mennonite Church Support and Therapy

Several months ago, The Misfit Amish invited people to tell us about a therapist that repeatedly affirmed how lovely it was that you as an Amish or Plain person had such a great support system for yourself within the Amish or Plain church members and families. Lily graciously shared some of her experiences with us in her own words. Mennonite Church Support and Therapy is one person's experience, however far too many people have reported similiar experiences.We are honored to be given this story to share with you in the hopes it will help medical professionals who serve Plain Mennonite patients. -Mary

****This is the second installment in a series of blog posts that tell some of the experiences of Lily Rebecca an active Plain Mennonite woman who sought both professional and church support for mental health resources.

“Before I begin my story, I would like you to know that I promote seeing a licensed therapist. A qualified counselor has made such a difference for some people in learning how to navigate relationships. Sometimes counselors, even those as trauma informed as Lily's is, can make mistakes. I'm about to tell you about a small error a therapist made in misunderstanding Anabaptist culture power and control dynamics, one day. The therapist is highly qualified and experienced and has done a world of good over the years working with Lily. The therapist is not bad, however, therapists who possibly read this need to be aware of this dynamic that has affected myself and several of my friends who have discussed it. It is not an uncommon experience.”

One day, during a counseling session Lily went mute and her mind kind of separated from her body. She felt as if she was floating up into the corner of the counseling room ceiling, looking down at the church committee lady and the therapist while they asked her to explain:

What is it that you are feeling so afraid about?

What is shutting you down?

Lily choked and could hardly get the words to form: "That . . They. . . . Won't. . . . . Help. . . . I'm . . . Afraid . . . . I'll . . . . Be too Much. .Bother."

The therapist and Ellen, the church support lady spoke at the same time, then stopped.

The therapist pointed out: “They WILL be with you, they ARE behind you. Ellen is right here in the room!".

(This was supposed to comfort the anxiety Lily fought inside herself.)

While Ellen stated: "That sounds like something a preschooler would say. Not bother people?? We are doing what's BEST FOR you. You know that we can't pay your bills! You are working full-time. You are making good wages. You can do it by yourself!"

Then, both the ladies stopped talking, and both seemed to realize that they were saying opposite things. Lily continued to "freeze" mute, and the therapist found a way to uncomfortably wrap up the session.

After that, the facility did not permit anyone else to be in the room during a client visit. The counselor stopped affirming how much church support, financial aid, and super teamwork was available to Lily. –Which felt more accurate to Lily, and she was then able to come to homeostasis and manage her own emotions and her money, once she wasn't being controlled by other adults who did not fully understand her insecurities, isolation, and terror.

Lily now practices learning to draw boundaries. Her therapist has Lily practice saying no which helps Lily in setting boundaries where Lily may disconnect from people which is very frightening for Lily, because she feels like she'll have no friends left, as she continues to set boundaries that allow her to feel safe. This may sometimes mean disconnecting from people who break boundaries Lily has set. (Tears). "But I want you to know that God has been so faithful, in bringing new contacts to me," Lily states. "He's been arranging other types of people to connect with me, who do feel emotionally safe to me!"

,There hasn't been a panic attack for quite some time. And that feels really, really nice!

If you used to be a Plain Person, and you can identify with this incident, I want you to know that I care. I'm sorry you can put yourself in my shoes. This should not happen. It's a travesty and spiritual abuse that it does. Many of us who live as Plain People are unaware how much the high control groups, we are in may alter our behaviors and our ways of thinking. Simply growing up within the high control group called the Mennonite culture, has even been seen to cause trauma in a few instances, where there is no other abuse, illness, or accidents of any kind that can be traced.

Sometimes you might feel silly and as if you have small 't' trauma or capital 'T' Trauma, but trauma can even travel down family lines and be encoded in our genes. You don't have to be embarrassed or ashamed. Just seek qualified therapy and you will learn to use different tools to manage the changes trauma causes in the brain.

It can be hard to admit that you have trauma. So, give yourself space to disbelieve that and to work on the symptoms. If in doubt, treat yourself like it is trauma. If you respond to therapy, you may have trauma in your life. It's nothing to be ashamed of. After treatment sometimes the effects of trauma can be less, life can be meaningful, and you can bring much that is good and healthy into the relationships that you develop afterwards in the spaces that are new. Grieve what was lost. Acknowledge that you don't like disability, yet you are worthy, and you are a whole, valid human being, even with the marks and scars of the past. You belong.

You are believed.

Be kind and gentle with yourself.

Plain Mennonite and Mental Health

Several months ago, The Misfit Amish invited people to tell us about a therapist that repeatedly affirmed how lovely it was that you as an Amish or Plain person had such a great support system for yourself within the Amish or Plain church members and families. Lily graciously shared some of her experiences with us in her own words. We are honored to be given this story to share with you in the hopes it will help medical professionals who serve Plain Mennonite patients. -Mary

****This is the first installment in a series of blog posts that tell some of the experiences of Lily Rebecca an active Plain Mennonite woman who sought both professional and church support for mental health resources.

After Lily's Grandpa had a fatal heart attack, in 1988, Lily's Grandma came and lived in an apartment within Lily's childhood home. Lily grew up with a grandmother in the home from her 8th year onward. The schizophrenia which Grandma had, ever since her twenties, was controlled by regularly taking medication. Lily's Grandma always saw a psychiatrist. Lily feels like it was every three months.

When there is an adult with a medical diagnosis it's not like a parent-child relationship with a medical office. The psychiatrist's explanation to Lily's Mother, when Grandma moved in, was that the medical facility does not allow family members to sit in the office with the patient and doctor during appointments due to privacy and confidentiality rules and laws, the waiting room is as far as they may attend a loved one. Family members may call the office and leave messages for the physician to consider, but no interference is permitted between the doctor and patient. The psychiatrist did offer to meet with the family members, separately from the client and host a conversation, if there were ever concerns or difficulties. But the third party would need to pay, just as if it is a regular appointment held with a patient. Privacy and confidentiality of the patient would always be maintained as evidence shows the best outcomes for patients apply strict application of these values. One of Lily's Aunts who is an LPN explained that this is common best practice for relating to family members of a patient who has a mental health diagnosis and treatments.

Lily's Mother was rather upset, because she wanted some support, and education on how to relate with the illness and in keeping an eye out for grandma's safety. The doctor and LPN aunt both explained the system is that until a patient is deemed a menace to society, or to themselves, nothing will be done to interfere, either by law enforcement, or medical professionals, family members are on their own to become educated themselves or to seek support for themselves in relating to another adult who has a mental illness, living in the home around children.

Lily saw this work out one time, when she was thirteen and LPN Aunt, together with her parents spent four or five hours one morning attempting to hold conversations with grandma while she was in a delusional state of mind. Grandma, they began to realize, had gone off her medicine cold turkey, several weeks before! As withdrawal set in, Grandma became quite confused and disoriented, seeing hallucinations, not sleeping at night, shivering, and shaking, and finally, believing it was Sunday morning – although it was a Thursday! Her adult children got her convinced to get into the car, ostensibly to "go to church". The adults and the ill grandma showed up at the hospital, where she peacefully agreed to walk inside and was voluntarily committed without anyone becoming hurt.

Please understand that it is not permitted to take an adult involuntary (or against their will) for a psychological evaluation. Transport across state lines can be kidnapping which is a crime. Consent is not consent if the person is afraid to say, "No". They know what you will do to them if they don't go along with you. Involuntary medicating of people happens in many Plain People's situations, but the opposite can be true. Plain People sometimes wait too long to go for medical treatment. So, let it be known that Grandma's compliance was an answer to prayer. Many cases have gone terribly and unnecessary violence or trauma has occurred because people don't understand consent and respect, autonomy, and safety. Don't ever lay hands on or grab someone to force them to get medical attention. If they threaten to harm themselves or someone else, keep them within your eyesight and call 911.

Threatening to harm themself or others is a crisis. If you find yourself concerned about calling 911 remember that professionals are trained to minimize violence towards anyone who may be experiencing a crisis. It is ok to stay on the line with 911 until help comes.

The Aftermath

***Lydia Miller is an Amish child sexual abuse survivor who has been walking the path of living with the aftermath for years. She has bravely shared the following with us. It is an honor to hold this space so Lydia's story can be heard and hopefully help people bridge the cultural gaps better as well as let others know they're not alone. -Mary

No, I don't lie.

I don't steal.

I would report someone(to Law Enforcement) that is not Amish that would break into my home and steal!

But yet, you (I) can't report anyone Amish that broke into my body =my own home and stole my virginity, my dignity and my sanity!

And then they say I'm (they're) sorry so now you (I) can't talk about it because they said I'm (they're) sorry, but (I) just deal with that pain and stay broken so I can do with you what I want too!

If you (I) bring it up, you (I) didn't forgive them and they said sorry!

Do they really think different or is it just to silence?

The abuse is not even about sex!

It's them getting to feel that power over you!

God wants to see us perfectly broken, but he looks at us differently than any of our emotional and sexual abusers!

Don't let your brokenness follow them for that control to take over but block ( set the boundaries you need to feel safe and hold them) them and let God take over!

What does Support look like?

Written by Mary Byler and Tara Mitchell

As I have navigated the world after going public with my childhood sexual abuse story, I have noticed some patterns in how people treat child abuse survivors. 

For example, when people reduce survivors to one single thing, their experience of abuse, this is often displayed in the language they use to talk about survivors, language that is inherently dehumanizing. Anything that reduces people to one single characteristic, like experiencing abuse, inherently dehumanizes them, even if that was not the intent. Dehumanization of survivors leads to infantilizing survivors.

Labeling survivors as:

Damaged

Angry

Bitter

Disobedient

Unforgiving

Mentally ill

Broken 

Simply the product of the abuse they suffered 

Never able to reach their potential

Lacking in faith

Not attending the right church or not attending church at all.

It is dehumanizing.

It leads to people thinking survivors are:

unable to make good decisions

in need of people telling them how to live their lives

incapable of living meaningful and fulfilling lives

wrong in how they navigate the aftermath of trauma even if they are not harming others

This is infantilizing abuse survivors, assuming they cannot live full lives and must rely on other people to tell them how to live. Sometimes this can even result in survivors telling other survivors their emotions and experiences are invalid since we don’t see or experience our abuse the same as they did. 

"Shuts survivors down forcing them to take your advice as the end all be all. 

Surviving is next to heresy!" -Jesus Biscuits

So, let's talk about the idea that survivors of child sexual abuse can't reach their potential.

I've seen it over and over.

Well meaning people tell a survivor all sorts of things. 

These things are often rooted in stereotyping survivors as damaged, unhealed, incapable of reaching their potential, needing rescuing, being mentally ill, needing saving, needing more prayers, needing more faith, and needing to be told what to do, among other things. 

Because of their own bias, which ensues from these limiting beliefs, they try to take control of the survivor’s life, “for the survivors own good.”. 

If the survivor doesn't follow their idea of how they should navigate the aftermath of the trauma they experienced, they tell the survivor how they're navigating the aftermath of trauma is wrong. So wrong. Over and over. 

They judge the survivor harshly and may even talk about other survivors being this way or that way in negative terms to the survivor. 

This eventually leads to harmful actions towards a survivor who doesn’t comply with their expectations and demands. 

In some cases it leads to well meaning people even spreading survivors business around. Behind their backs. 

This is inherently dehumanizing to survivors. When you add the attempt to control the survivor’s life, it's infantilizing.  And many of these actions result in layers of trauma being heaped up on already traumatized and vulnerable people, who, if they were empowered to be in charge of their own life, have the capacity to thrive! 

They have the capacity to live a meaningful life. 

They have the ability to be joyful in life! 

They are capable of making decisions about their own life. Rather than reducing survivors of child sexual abuse to only one characteristic - their abuse - and using that to treat them as broken or incapable, let’s work with survivors and support them in finding their voice. Let’s recognize them as not just survivors of child sexual abuse or sexual abuse, but also as friends, partners, people who love photography, people who hate to cook, people who live full lives with varied interests. Support their growth as human beings; don’t diminish what they survived by claiming they can never grow beyond it.

Hijack Hell

(The conversation about the arrest of an Anabaptist person for sexual abuse of a child being hijacked to say child sexual abuse is no worse than “godly men having consensual affairs” is a problem. While affairs might be a sin, they are NOT a CRIME.This is a repetitive saga in the ongoing conversations about child abuse prevention and even perpetrators being arrested with an Anabaptist background. It is repetitive both in the narrative within the church and people who are Anabaptist Apostates. Blame Shifting is not helpful to protecting children.)

When someone is arrested for the crime of “sexually abusing a child” do not conflate it with the sin of ‘adultery’, only one of these is a crime. They are not, and have never been the same. I have watched it unfold REPEATEDLY, often with someone blackmailing people with threats of exposing adultery if they speak out against abuse.

Let me ask you this: What kind of people say well, this person's husband had an extramarital affair and they are (insert random anabaptist phrase here), as if raping a child and consensual sex between adults are even remotely the same things.

WE ARE CAUSING HARM WHEN WE CONFLATE THE TWO. Sex with a child is a CRIME. SEXUAL abuse of a child is a crime. Consensual sex between two adults is NOT A CRIME.

Why are we attacking women for the sins of their husbands? Why are we proclaiming it is the wife’s fault her husband abused a child?

Why do we protest and say Becky’s husband abused a child sexually because Becky didn’t give him enough sex? Why is his shifting blame a sign of repentance?

The goal is to not only change the conversation away from the crime of child sexual abuse, but to shift the blame for the abuse: His wife isn’t allowed to talk about child sexual abuse since she failed to uphold her marriage bed appropriately to prevent her husband from having an affair.

ONLY ONE OF THESE IS A CRIME! You are comparing adultery to A CRIME. Adultery has nothing in common with child sexual abuse. They are not the same. Hijacking a conversation to compare adultery to the CRIME of child sexual abuse makes you part of the problem.

You are perpetuating a narrative that benefits you on your pedestal of privilege as you sit there and attempt to protect the GODLY MAN from any consequences of his criminal activities.

Does it help you sleep at night to protect that poor innocent Godly man who has been going around by your own admission sexually abusing children for approximately a decade?

Have you held space for the survivors that have been harmed by this perpetrator? (and I do mean space that isn’t just you praying for them and/or telling them to forgive and/or maybe it's time to let it go, and/or any other equivalent of those terms?)

Have you raised funds for those survivors to have access to actually certified trauma therapists?

Have you given from your own household things to fill the survivors need?

What have you done for the survivors that required more effort than prayers?

If all of you could expend that same protective energy towards the survivors of child sexual abuse, imagine how quickly we would have so much less child sexual abuse? Choose your actions wisely friends, for they will show who you really are despite what your mouth proclaims and nothing screams unsafe more than words and actions not matching.