Bryn C. Collins's Blog

I'm SOOOOOOOOO Busy

It's that time of the year ....  School has begun, summer is over, kids' activities are in high gear,  your job is booming and demanding, you go to bed exhausted and get up tired and the holiday season is just starting.    When are you finding time for yourself and your relationship?

It's easy to get sucked into the vortex of busy and to put your relationships (partner, kids, friends, extended family) on the back burner.  A quick kiss or text, however, is not a substitute for eye-to-eye, voice-to-voice contact.  When you're busy, you slip from emotional mode to operational mode.


Emotional mode is when you take the time, busy or not, to connect with those who are important to you, using emotional language and talking about feelings.  It's the place you're in when you take the time to cuddle with your sweetie, hang out and talk with your kids, call your mom or your siblings just to chat, or have lunch with your bestie.  It's the mode in which you best communicate your feelings and in which you restore your emotional energy.  


Operational mode is when you are the field general, making things happen, getting everyone where they need to be on time, fed and with the right equipment.  It's when you are the least connected and spending your bank of emotional energy just to maintain your last shreds of sanity.  And you're not making any deposits so you get irritable and exhausted more easily.


It doesn't take much to begin building your emotional energy.  Instead of turning on the DVD in the car, use that drive time to talk to your kids about their lives - even if they start acting like you've grown another head the first time you try.  Instead of hitting the snooze, take that ten minutes to cuddle with your partner in the morning.  Instead of hanging around the break room at work, staring at the wall, call your mom or dad or sister or brother.   Get your kids involved in folding laundry and use the time to talk about family stuff.


Only you can restore your emotional energy and busy should include time to do just that.  I promise you'll feel better for it!

Pretty Is as Pretty Does

The internet is certainly wonderful.  After all, it's part of our interaction right now.  And it's also the wild west, worldwide edition.
The wild west is the part that worries me.  People sometimes use the anonymity of internet postings and videos to be the adult versions of childhood bullies.  Some say the most astonishingly mean things to people they don't know.  While many people are able to just blow off mean comments, some of us are more vulnerable to these attacks.
People who have been victims of abuse as children or adults are more likely to take those posts of random verbal violence to heart.  The negative words worm their wicked way into already-bruised hearts and refresh the bruises, pushing self-esteem further into a little corner.
Kids and teens get bullied not only online but through their cell phones or iPads or iPods.  What used to be schoolyard face-to-face, I-know-who's-spreading-this-rumor bullying (I'm talking about you, Janelle Schroeder) has now retreated into the void of blocked numbers and anonymous texts or emails.
Bullying has become a focus of schools and families over the last few years with attempts at prevention.  Frankly, those efforts are not accomplishing much.  The human mean streak, adults and kids, is roaringly out of control.
So if you're being bullied - by strangers or known persons - you want to take some strong steps.  
First, don't take it to heart.  It's about the sender's own inadequacies and low self esteem.  It stings, but don't let it do you harm by taking it seriously.  Blow it off.  Practice not being a victim.  Be tough.
Second, talk about it. Get help.  Talk to a real friend, talk to a therapist, talk to a teacher or a pastor or someone you trust who will be supportive.
Third, do something.  If you have no idea who's doing this, block the incoming number or go to the length of changing your email or phone number. It's no "fun" to stalk someone who cuts you off.  
If you know who sent it and if it's threatening in any way, go to your county courthouse and apply for a harassment restraining order and report the contact to your local police.  Be tough.  Be strong.  Refuse to be a victim.

Easy Does It!

Okay, life is, indeed, frantic.  Job, family, social life, volunteer commitments, parents, kids ... everybody wants something and now is already too late,  And we all plunge in with both with both feet and, often both hands.  Bext thing you know, boom:  you're overwhelmed.

And then there's the pressure, overwhelmed or not.  Parents, spouses, kids, neighbors, bosses and co-workers, other volunteers and, of course, you, all make demands on yourself, all of which require action NOW.  The pressure builds, you get grumpy or have an adult temper tantrum that sometimes involves denting your credit card or your car and sometimes you just fall apart and eat a pint of Ben & Jerry's.  Or two.  Nothing is solved and the pressure and demands remain so the cycle of frantic continues with you the worse for wear.

There is a very simple technique to help control the pace and make your life more manageable:  Put the tip of your tongue against the inside of your top teeth and make the "n" sound then purse your lips into a circle and say "o".  NO is a complete sentence.  You don't have to make excuses or explain how busy you are.  You smile and say, "No,"  If you're really feeling compelled to add something, you could say, "I'm managing my time."

There are obviously some circumstances in which you can't say "no."  It's a tricky thing to limit your boss' flow of work in your direction or your parents' or kids' real needs.  However, you can draw the line at "extras."  The boss says, "I'm looking for a volunteer to ..." Then you can not raise your hand.  Your mom,who doesn't drive, hints (broadly and often) that she'd really like to visit her high school best friend (who she talks to on the phone daily and who lives 150 miles away and who does drive) on your only day off.  Your kids want to play three sports because their friends are.  

The line comes between "need" and "want."  If someone really needs something (food, education, shelter, love, safety, etc.) obviously that's a priority.  If somebody wants something (candy, a treat right before dinner, soccer treats, idle conversation, an all-day road trip etc.)  then you can keep your personal power -- and peace -- and say "no."
Stay tuned, we'll expand on that in the next blog post.

Love is NEVER Abuse and Abuse is NEVER Love

A client recently, gently pointed out to me that I hadn't updated my blog in a "really long time."  She's right.

We then went on to talk about her failing relationship and she uttered the phrase that sets off my alarms:  "I know he loves me, but he has to argue every single thing we talk about until I admit I'm wrong.  He lectures, demands, calls me names, puts me down and keeps telling me I'm wrong."  What her boyfriend does is emotional and verbal abuse which is just as harmful as physical abuse.  

I asked her, "How does this match with loving you?"

She thought for a while then started to say, "Well, he says he loves me ..."  Her voice tailed off.  

Love is a verb.  It's action plus emotion. Love is caring, thoughtfulness, connectedness, emotional openness, physical tenderness, cooperation, partnership, vulnerability and compassion.  If someone is hitting you, threatening you verbally or physically, controlling you, sexually abusing you, calling you names, throwing things at you, cheating on you, breaking things around you, being cruel or violent with your kids or jealous, they cannot, by definition, love you. 

Everybody gets mad once in a while.  Everybody gets their feelings hurt.  Everybody feels sad at one time or another.  Not only is it what you do in response to your own feelings but also how others react to your anger or sadness or hurt. A loving response from a partner is compassion, thoughtfulness, support, respect and affection.  An abusive response is anger, put downs, dismissal of your feelings, arguing, ignoring or violence.

Love is NEVER abuse and abuse is NEVER love.  No matter how mad a person gets, acting out against a partner he or she supposedly loves is abuse, not love.  

If you are in an abusive relationship, don't tell yourself your partner loves you and don't believe it if she or he claims to love you.  The hardest thing to do is to see the relationship in the cold light of reality.  Abuse is never excusable.

"But my kids..." Your job is to protect your kids and raise them in a loving home, not to expose them to direct or indirect abuse.  There is help for you and your kids to distance yourselves from the abuser until the person either gets psychological help or proves him or herself unable or unwilling to make the necessary changes to leave ALL abusive behavior behind.

You do not deserve to be abused in any way.  You deserve to be loved without conditions.  If your relationship doesn't meet those criteria, it's time for a change.  Be strong, ask for what you need, get help and demand the abusive person gets help, too.  On this Independence Day, and every day, treat yourself as valuable and claim your independence from abuse.

Not so great Expectations

A recent theme in my office has been people frustrated with spouses, boy or girlfriends, bosses, parents and kids because they don't seem to be willing to change.  People only change when they are uncomfortable.  Big changes require BIG discomfort.  Expecting a person to change when they're comfortable, getting what they want, it's your idea or can't see a reason is really frustrating.  It's also counterproductive.  If someone is not motivated to behave differently or see things differently, there is no force in heaven or earth to make that happen.

That means it's up to you to contemplate several of things:
    First:  Take a look at your own motivations for seeking change in someone else.  Is it to make you happier at their expense?  Do they agree with your assessment of what's wrong?  What do you really want?
    Second:  Once you've decided your motives are pure, consider the magnitude of what you're asking and the time frame in which you hope it will be accomplished.  Lose 100 pounds in a week?  Quit drinking and smoking at the same time? Fall in love with me?  Those are big goals with short time frames.  If you want someone to share your objectives, you need to be respectful of their challenges.
    Third:  So you are pure and reasonable.  Have you asked for what you want in a kind, thoughtful, respectful way?  No nagging.
    Fourth:  You're pure, reasonable and respectful.  Now we have to add understanding.  Are you being compassionate and empathetic?
    Fifth:  So now you've fulfilled all your obligations.  Don't threaten or make ultimata.  They rarely work.  Instead, create a reasonable timetable for accomplishment of the change and work with the person to set goals, both intermediate and long term.  Use professionals' skills if you need to: interventionist, therapist, lawyer, accountant.
    Finally:  Nothing has worked.  It's time to figure out where you stand.  Stay and put up with it?  Leave and be done?  Let the person sink without you throwing them a life ring?  Only you can make this decision.

Change is hard.  Somebody very wise said:  There can be disruption without change but there can be no change without disruption.  I would add:  or consequences.  Sometimes consequences are excellent.  Sometimes not so much.  But cha

Change and loss - When do I get to grow up?

After working with and sharing a suite with my good friend, Brenda DeMotte, for20 years, she decided to retire to focus on speaking and writing.  She's been a steady, stable part of my working life for a very long time and it was a shock when she made the decision three months ago. It was also very abstract.  I went office hunting and looked at a number of places which seemed cold and uninviting or downright moldy.  I was about to give up when I discovered the beautiful, peaceful, collaborative practice at Aslan Institute where I met with two delightful women, mother and daughter and was invited to join.  There is a basket of knitting in the lobby and soft, classical music plays through the building.  The gardens are beautiful.  The setting is woodsy and beautiful.  It's where I've always wanted to practice.

But then there's the moving.  Since my new office is furnished, I have to find a home for all my office furniture except the love seat that is needed in the new space.  A friend's niece is getting her first apartment, so, two weeks before the official move, they take the desk, comfy chair and book cases.  The contents that remain go into blue Ikea bags to await the move.  Then, during the last week, a thrift shop comes to take the lateral file and storage cabinet.  More Ikea bags.  Moving day arrives in the middle of a terrible allergy season plus dust, so I sneeze and cough my way through the day.  Thank goodness for Brenda and her husband Jim and my wonderful husband Rod who did all the hard work - in torrential rain.  Now our garage is occupied by 8 Ikea bags and I can't find anything.

I miss Brenda already.

And then more change and loss when my cousin/heart-sister suddenly died on May 11.  She was a brittle diabetic, but 59 is far too young.   Her brother, his fiance and our third heart-sister and I have spent hours cleaning her apartment, finding homes for her dog and two cats (happily, found) and trying to figure out the puzzle of her world and accommodate the demands of her landlord.

Joan was tall, strikingly beautiful and fiercely loyal.  She had terrible taste in men but always carried herself like the fashion model she was in her 20's. She adored her dog and her cats and her friends and would do anything she could for people she loved.  She was an amazingly talented artist and I treasure the 3 pieces she did for us.

I miss her very much.

So May has been lots of sad change and lots of loss.  It's also been lots of good change and new doors opening.  And I've learned I'm not as flexible and able to manage stress as I thought, nor as grown up.  

Sometimes life slaps us upside our heads and reminds us we're still under construction.

Holidays? Bah humbug?

Here in Minnesota we've been having a most unusual December:  it's been mild and snowless.  Clients and friends all seem to be reporting not as much Ho Ho as Oh No!  Is it the lack of snow and cold or is it more elevated expectations? I'm leaning strongly toward the latter. 
Christmas card Christmases of days of yore have raised the expectations bar high for most adults who look back at childhood holidays either through a misty veil of snow which distorts the view or as nightmares of depravation or abuse.  Oddly, a lot of the people I know who had awful childhoods seem to be able to keep Christmas in perspective.  They don't set their expectations so high they can never be met.  They learned from the disappointments of their upbringing that holidays are holidays, not dreams.
If you have an abuse burden, don't carry it forward into your present life.  I know it's hard to disconnect from old, bad stuff, but if you don't, you keep re-living it and that's terrible.  Live in the now, have reasonable expectations of others (which sometimes means none at all), make your own happy traditions and keep the holidays - all holidays - in perspective.  

Breathe

Anyone who knows me knows my mantra is "Breathe."  But it's more than a mantra, it's also darned good advice.  When you are feeling anxious or scared, you breathe shallowly and through your mouth.  Breathing through your mouth sets off alarms in your body which, eventually, sends adrenaline into your veins and makes you feel more anxious or scared.  Instead, breathe slowly through your nose:  inhale for a count of 6 and exhale slowly through pursed lips for a count of 12.  Breathe steadily and let the oxygen levels in your brain rise.  When your brain is working, you are less likely to be anxious.

Taking time to breathe also gives you a moment more to decide how you're going to resolve whatever problem is creating your anxiety.  It also might give you the time not to say something you might be thinking.

So Breathe - often and deeply.

The Narcissist Epidemic

Worse than the flu, more contagious than a cold, more pervasive than bedbugs:  NARCISSISM.  It's really going around.

A narcissist is a person who believes he or she is the center of the universe and his or her every whim should be met; every thought should be important to others; they should be adored without limit. 

Narcissists are stuck in early adolescence:  they behave the way kids in middle school do.  Lots of drama in relationships; attempts to control others' lives; acting up and acting out; pouting; retaliating; even violence are all in their bag of tricks, no matter what age the narcissist is.  With actual adolescents, we expect this behavior as part of their development.  We also expect them to move beyond this self-centered behavior and develop compassion, maturity, thoughtfulness and an adult relationship pattern.

One of the key indicators of a narcissist is a lack of compassion for others.  You see it all over:  media, politics, the arts, sometimes in your own home.  A narcissist does not connect with actual emotions.  Instead, they experience everything in their world intellectually.  Sometimes they might look or sound as though they are experiencing feelings but rarely are those feelings authentic.  They are reflections of what the narcissist has seen others do in similar circumstances, a thought exercise with no real emotion foundation.

Narcissists are often controlling, verbally and physically abusive, believe themselves to be superior or special and consequently deserve special treatment, have grandiose ideas about themselves, present a facade to those around them and can be very well-liked by those who don't know them well.

If you are in a relationship with a narcissist, you need some coping tools.  I recommend the excellent book: When You Love a Man Who Loves Himself.  I also suggest the book Boundaries by Anne Katherine.  Both will open your eyes.