L. Maristatter's Blog - Posts Tagged "deconstruction"

The Woman They Wanted: Shattering the Illusion of the Good Christian Wife by Shannon Harris

My rating: 5 of 5 stars


I think right out of the gate we need to highlight the place in the Preface where Shannon Harris (now Bonne) writes, “The criticism I present of my own church does not mean I condemn all churches, Christianity in general, or other religions.” This is important, because those on the conservative right are trying to convince people (read: Christian women) that “Shannon Harris is leading people away from Christ! Don’t read this book!” That’s nonsense for not only the reason cited above, but also because Shannon never tries to convince anyone else to follow her lead. She’s telling her story. As usual, conservative Christian men get their knickers in a knot over a woman telling the truth of what has happened to her, especially if it has to do with the church.

And that’s exactly what convinced me I had to read the book. I wanted to know if these men were right. They’re not. What they are is frightened.

Shannon details the years of church-based experiences that took her from a confident, fearless child to a psychologically traumatized woman who could barely function—a woman she didn’t recognize when she looked in the mirror. As the wife of a celebrity-pastor husband, everything she wore, did and said was scrutinized and criticized. The worst part of this kind of so-called “constructive criticism” is that when it comes from someone in authority in the church, it isn’t just their opinion—it’s God’s opinion. It’s what we begin to think we must do to present ourselves to God without stain or blemish. Even if that isn’t stated explicitly, it’s implied because of the environment and the authority/subordinate relationship.

News flash: That is what grace is for. None of us can present ourselves to God without stain or blemish without the redeeming work of Christ.

One of Shannon’s critics pointed out that she wasn’t raised in the church, so why was she even considered to be Joshua Harris’s wife (as if it matters to anyone but Shannon and Joshua why they’re getting married)? I can tell you why. Because without any kind of a scriptural foundation, Shannon was much easier to control. And this is the crux: the constant criticism of women in the church stems from the desire for control.

That’s why this book resonated with me so strongly. As a former praise team member in a conservative church, I can relate, although I didn’t experience the level of microscopic control Shannon endured. Hers is a story of how the church—both men in leadership and their wives—conspired to convince a woman to not trust herself or her intuition. They separated her from her friends and family and anyone else who might affect her thinking. Because if we don’t trust ourselves, they can keep us off balance, guessing, never centered in our perception of what is right, and more importantly, what God wants for us. It’s spiritual abuse and it must stop. Today. Now. (And if you are reading this and you are defending this kind of behavior or experiencing this kind of behavior, please understand: You are in a cult. Please get help, and get yourself out. You can still be a believer, but Jesus does not require or endorse this kind of control.)

But it’s easier for conservative Christian men to criticize the woman reacting to her abuse, instead of criticizing the abuse that damaged her. Because if they criticize the abuse, they have to examine their own complicity in the systems that foster and nurture it.

To those who are upset with Shannon for not “taking responsibility for what she went through,” not “dying to self,” and not “submitting herself to God”—before you pile on, sister, maybe try walking in her shoes, first. You are not qualified to judge the psychological and spiritual damage this woman experienced. And God hasn’t yet finished writing her story.

Thank you, Shannon, for your courage in writing this book. And thank you for not denigrating my faith, even though you suffered from the worst parts of an abusive religion. You indeed “inspire women and other readers to live more courageously and authentically wherever [we] are.”



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