Rob Roy O'Keefe's Blog: Green eggs and spam, page 3
December 9, 2022
Despot Times
Before I published Small Stories: A Perfectly Absurd Novel in its current form, I had written an alternate version called Despot Times.
Here's an excerpt.
Chapter 1. Are we anywhere yet?
The talk around town:
“I think we’re a little early.”
“For what?”
“Our role as foreshadowers.”
“Aren’t foreshadowers early by nature?”
“Good point, but in this case, we’re so early we don’t even exist.”
“Do you mean in a metaphysical kind of way? You know, like, are we really here or are we just part of a construct that only exists in my mind?”
“No, more like the alarm clock went off a millennium too soon.”
“In that case, just hit the snooze button and wake me up when someone finally invents the recliner.”
***
Somewhere, somewhen, outside of the boundaries of time, space, and shopping malls, a B-list monarch from the annals of ancient history realized he was conscious once again, even after the inconvenience of being long dead. Not only was he conscious, but curiously, he found he could converse, or at least do something that felt like conversing. With that realization, he did what any self-respecting, self-centered ruler would do. He announced his presence.
“Be humbled, all people, for you stand in the shadow of Hammurabi,” the ancient and semi-renowned king emphatically proclaimed, but without the acoustic reverberations that would normally accompany the raising of one’s voice. “Conqueror of Mesopotamia, and creator of the world’s most just legal code on record. I have written 282 precepts to govern your lives! Think about that – it has to be a record!”
Nothing.
“Hello? Anyone? Hammurabi here, protector of the realm, appointed by Marduk, chief god of Babylon?”
More nothing.
“Please, anybody … I do not like being alone, you know.”
Then something.
Never one to waste a good introduction, Hammurabi started over. “Be humbled, all people, for you stand in the shadow of –”
“I heard you the first time.”
“And you are …” Hammurabi inquired, more than a little put off. That was one of his favorite ceremonial openings.
“Commodus, Rome’s greatest emperor, gladiator, living god. And by the way, your little Mesopotamian kingdom? It is part of Rome. Feel free to bow.”
“Talk about unconstrained egos.”
“Who gave voice to that unimportant opinion?” demanded Commodus.
“Lady Six Sky, Queen of Naranjo, famed city-state within the Mayan Empire. And I think Hammurabi should be commended for his efforts to create a just set of laws, although maybe you should have been thinking quality over quantity.”
“Never heard of you,” muttered Commodus, although he didn’t know how he managed it, having been assassinated a while back. “Or your empire.”
“Thank you, Lady Six Sky –” Hammurabi paused. And since he was outside the boundaries of time, who knows how long that pause lasted. “Umm, how is this conversation happening? Is this one of Zimri-Lim’s pranks? He’s been holding a grudge ever since I invaded his kingdom.”
——————————————————————————
The world’s oldest known civilization is thought to be Mesopotamia, pre-dating the Indus Valley and Ancient Egyptian cultures by two hundred years, and the Mayan and Chinese civilizations by at least a millennium.
Mesopotamia gave us chariots, the sailboat, plows, mathematics, astronomy, the division of time into 60 parts, astrology, maps, cities, and writing.
Of course, it means Mesopotamia also set the groundwork for 80-hour work weeks, traffic jams, GPS systems telling you to turn left even when there is no road to turn left on but it still tells you to turn left so you get mad and start yelling at a pre-recorded voice and people stop to stare at you and one of them calls the police and you end up cooling off in a jail cell overnight but hey if you read your horoscope you would have known it was a bad day to go out anyway so you have no one to blame but yourself.
So yeah, Mesopotamia was great.
——————————————————————————
“Let’s look at what we know,” Lady Six Sky suggested, while also demonstrating she was adept at the kind of observational logic that was the hallmark of a culture with their own notable advancements like astronomy, rubber, and best of all, chocolate. “We are all rulers of some reputation –”
“Some more than others,” Commodus interjected.
“You are insufferable,” declared Hammurabi. “It is likely you were assassinated.”
Lady Six Sky ignored them both, which is at once easier and more difficult to do when you’re existing beyond the laws of physics. “We seem to have our individual niches – contributions to the legal system, science, art, leadership, and, and whatever it is you did.”
Her last comment was directed at Commodus. One thing about ancient rulers who held the power of life and death over their subjects – they don’t worry too much about observing the rules of decorum.
“I already told the two of you - living god,” retorted Commodus, pondering if this conversation was proof of his immortality.
“You do not have a monopoly on the living god business,” Hammurabi admonished with the appropriate absence of humility.
“One more thing,” Lady Six Sky continued, heading off an infinite discussion about divine rule. “We exist, and yet – how do I put this – we are still not alive.”
“If we are dead, how are we doing this - whatever this is?” asked Commodus, who had stopped listening, preferring to ponder his own godliness.
“My theory,” offered Lady Six Sky, “and you may not like it, is we are just echoes of our former selves, what some cultures referred to as the Akh, an eternal accumulation of our intellect and desires. I believe that is how we are communicating, or perhaps more accurately, projecting.”
The rules of meta-space are strange and arbitrary. Lady Six Sky’s pronouncement was followed by a period of deep and quiet reflection by each of the deceased rulers, which may have seemed brief to them, but in actuality their contemplation lasted long enough for the rise of numerous kingdoms in the physical world – and the invention of the pencil. The eraser, however, wasn’t invented until hundreds of years later, leaving many an ill-considered insult legible in various diplomatic letters, and consequently resulting in the fall of numerous kingdoms.
Back in meta-space, Hammurabi broke the meta-silence.
“Well, I do not find that very comforting,” projected Hammurabi. “So where are we? And, more important, is there beer?”
“We are nowhere. Anywhere. Everywhere. You may have noticed the absence of walls, floors, ceilings, or any type of tangible object. We are in an unplace. However, if I concentrate, really concentrate,” conveyed Lady Six Sky, “I think I can sense the physical world. We seem to be near an expanse of land, and a quiet, meandering river, populated by lots of fish, and that is all. No people. At least not yet. Time is muddled so it is hard to get a clear picture.”
Hammurabi emitted his frustration. “So, no beer, then?”
Maybe it was because the metaphysical world didn’t offer fermented beverages, or maybe it was something more fundamental like not breathing, but each ruler, or at least the Akh of those rulers, fell into a state of meta-choly, which is just like melancholy, except there’s no half-gallon tubs of ice cream lying around so you can eat your way out of it. After quite a span of non-time – look, there goes another empire – the still-depressed despots resumed their interaction.
“Why are we together?” Commodus expressed while making it clear he was not thrilled for the conceptual company.
“And why here?” cast Hammurabi.
“I feel drawn here,” Lady Six Sky made known, “but why, I cannot say.”
The two other rulers confirmed they had the same feeling.
“So now what?” Hammurabi emitted.
“I have not the slightest idea,” Lady Six Sky channeled. “But we might as well make use of our circumstances.”
“You can start by acknowledging that I am in charge,” Commodus radiated, perturbed that he hadn’t immediately been recognized as the only A-lister present.
“You really are delusional. I had hoped it would be obvious to anyone that if someone, let us say a very progressive ruler who was from the area between the Tigris and Euphrates rivers, managed to put together an impressive code of justice, that individual would deserve to be raised to a leadership position,” relayed Hammurabi, who quickly became disappointed when no one followed up on his suggestion. “But I suppose we could also have a contest to determine the best monarch.”
“Agreed,” Commodus managed to get across. “Trial by combat. Fetch my sword.”
“I was thinking more like a game,” Hammurabi put forth. “Something requiring the kind of strategic thinking our current situation demands.”
“You mean like Go!” actuated newcomer Empress Wu Zetian. “It was all the rage when I ruled the Middle Kingdom.”
“Where did you come from?” injected a startled Hammurabi, who was wondering just how crowded it was going to get around here. “And what in the un-world is Go?”
Commodus’ story
“I understand you want to know more about me. Well, of course you do. You are privileged to be in my company. I am Rome’s greatest emperor, after all.”
“My full title is Caesar Marcus Aurelius Commodus Antoninus Augustus, but my friends call me Hercules, son of Zeus. And if they do not, they put their family, property, and health at risk. You want to be my friend.”
“Do you like my cloak? I had it made from the hide of lion. When you are a god, it is important to dress accordingly.”
“With all I accomplished, you would think I would get more respect, but all anybody talks about is Gaius Julius Caesar. Vini, vidi, boring, if you ask me. Just another overrated has-been.”
“He conquered Gaul. Big deal. I was a renowned gladiator in my time. I fought a hippo once.”
“He introduced the Julian calendar. I came up with a better calendar. Every month was named after me.”
“He rebuilt Carthage. I built statues. A lot of them. All of me.”
“I know the gossip. People say I am mad. But they only say it once.”
“I came up with my own immortal saying – Vituperābam, vovi, vindicavi. I blamed, I vowed, I avenged. Words to live by.”
Here's an excerpt.
Chapter 1. Are we anywhere yet?
The talk around town:
“I think we’re a little early.”
“For what?”
“Our role as foreshadowers.”
“Aren’t foreshadowers early by nature?”
“Good point, but in this case, we’re so early we don’t even exist.”
“Do you mean in a metaphysical kind of way? You know, like, are we really here or are we just part of a construct that only exists in my mind?”
“No, more like the alarm clock went off a millennium too soon.”
“In that case, just hit the snooze button and wake me up when someone finally invents the recliner.”
***
Somewhere, somewhen, outside of the boundaries of time, space, and shopping malls, a B-list monarch from the annals of ancient history realized he was conscious once again, even after the inconvenience of being long dead. Not only was he conscious, but curiously, he found he could converse, or at least do something that felt like conversing. With that realization, he did what any self-respecting, self-centered ruler would do. He announced his presence.
“Be humbled, all people, for you stand in the shadow of Hammurabi,” the ancient and semi-renowned king emphatically proclaimed, but without the acoustic reverberations that would normally accompany the raising of one’s voice. “Conqueror of Mesopotamia, and creator of the world’s most just legal code on record. I have written 282 precepts to govern your lives! Think about that – it has to be a record!”
Nothing.
“Hello? Anyone? Hammurabi here, protector of the realm, appointed by Marduk, chief god of Babylon?”
More nothing.
“Please, anybody … I do not like being alone, you know.”
Then something.
Never one to waste a good introduction, Hammurabi started over. “Be humbled, all people, for you stand in the shadow of –”
“I heard you the first time.”
“And you are …” Hammurabi inquired, more than a little put off. That was one of his favorite ceremonial openings.
“Commodus, Rome’s greatest emperor, gladiator, living god. And by the way, your little Mesopotamian kingdom? It is part of Rome. Feel free to bow.”
“Talk about unconstrained egos.”
“Who gave voice to that unimportant opinion?” demanded Commodus.
“Lady Six Sky, Queen of Naranjo, famed city-state within the Mayan Empire. And I think Hammurabi should be commended for his efforts to create a just set of laws, although maybe you should have been thinking quality over quantity.”
“Never heard of you,” muttered Commodus, although he didn’t know how he managed it, having been assassinated a while back. “Or your empire.”
“Thank you, Lady Six Sky –” Hammurabi paused. And since he was outside the boundaries of time, who knows how long that pause lasted. “Umm, how is this conversation happening? Is this one of Zimri-Lim’s pranks? He’s been holding a grudge ever since I invaded his kingdom.”
——————————————————————————
The world’s oldest known civilization is thought to be Mesopotamia, pre-dating the Indus Valley and Ancient Egyptian cultures by two hundred years, and the Mayan and Chinese civilizations by at least a millennium.
Mesopotamia gave us chariots, the sailboat, plows, mathematics, astronomy, the division of time into 60 parts, astrology, maps, cities, and writing.
Of course, it means Mesopotamia also set the groundwork for 80-hour work weeks, traffic jams, GPS systems telling you to turn left even when there is no road to turn left on but it still tells you to turn left so you get mad and start yelling at a pre-recorded voice and people stop to stare at you and one of them calls the police and you end up cooling off in a jail cell overnight but hey if you read your horoscope you would have known it was a bad day to go out anyway so you have no one to blame but yourself.
So yeah, Mesopotamia was great.
——————————————————————————
“Let’s look at what we know,” Lady Six Sky suggested, while also demonstrating she was adept at the kind of observational logic that was the hallmark of a culture with their own notable advancements like astronomy, rubber, and best of all, chocolate. “We are all rulers of some reputation –”
“Some more than others,” Commodus interjected.
“You are insufferable,” declared Hammurabi. “It is likely you were assassinated.”
Lady Six Sky ignored them both, which is at once easier and more difficult to do when you’re existing beyond the laws of physics. “We seem to have our individual niches – contributions to the legal system, science, art, leadership, and, and whatever it is you did.”
Her last comment was directed at Commodus. One thing about ancient rulers who held the power of life and death over their subjects – they don’t worry too much about observing the rules of decorum.
“I already told the two of you - living god,” retorted Commodus, pondering if this conversation was proof of his immortality.
“You do not have a monopoly on the living god business,” Hammurabi admonished with the appropriate absence of humility.
“One more thing,” Lady Six Sky continued, heading off an infinite discussion about divine rule. “We exist, and yet – how do I put this – we are still not alive.”
“If we are dead, how are we doing this - whatever this is?” asked Commodus, who had stopped listening, preferring to ponder his own godliness.
“My theory,” offered Lady Six Sky, “and you may not like it, is we are just echoes of our former selves, what some cultures referred to as the Akh, an eternal accumulation of our intellect and desires. I believe that is how we are communicating, or perhaps more accurately, projecting.”
The rules of meta-space are strange and arbitrary. Lady Six Sky’s pronouncement was followed by a period of deep and quiet reflection by each of the deceased rulers, which may have seemed brief to them, but in actuality their contemplation lasted long enough for the rise of numerous kingdoms in the physical world – and the invention of the pencil. The eraser, however, wasn’t invented until hundreds of years later, leaving many an ill-considered insult legible in various diplomatic letters, and consequently resulting in the fall of numerous kingdoms.
Back in meta-space, Hammurabi broke the meta-silence.
“Well, I do not find that very comforting,” projected Hammurabi. “So where are we? And, more important, is there beer?”
“We are nowhere. Anywhere. Everywhere. You may have noticed the absence of walls, floors, ceilings, or any type of tangible object. We are in an unplace. However, if I concentrate, really concentrate,” conveyed Lady Six Sky, “I think I can sense the physical world. We seem to be near an expanse of land, and a quiet, meandering river, populated by lots of fish, and that is all. No people. At least not yet. Time is muddled so it is hard to get a clear picture.”
Hammurabi emitted his frustration. “So, no beer, then?”
Maybe it was because the metaphysical world didn’t offer fermented beverages, or maybe it was something more fundamental like not breathing, but each ruler, or at least the Akh of those rulers, fell into a state of meta-choly, which is just like melancholy, except there’s no half-gallon tubs of ice cream lying around so you can eat your way out of it. After quite a span of non-time – look, there goes another empire – the still-depressed despots resumed their interaction.
“Why are we together?” Commodus expressed while making it clear he was not thrilled for the conceptual company.
“And why here?” cast Hammurabi.
“I feel drawn here,” Lady Six Sky made known, “but why, I cannot say.”
The two other rulers confirmed they had the same feeling.
“So now what?” Hammurabi emitted.
“I have not the slightest idea,” Lady Six Sky channeled. “But we might as well make use of our circumstances.”
“You can start by acknowledging that I am in charge,” Commodus radiated, perturbed that he hadn’t immediately been recognized as the only A-lister present.
“You really are delusional. I had hoped it would be obvious to anyone that if someone, let us say a very progressive ruler who was from the area between the Tigris and Euphrates rivers, managed to put together an impressive code of justice, that individual would deserve to be raised to a leadership position,” relayed Hammurabi, who quickly became disappointed when no one followed up on his suggestion. “But I suppose we could also have a contest to determine the best monarch.”
“Agreed,” Commodus managed to get across. “Trial by combat. Fetch my sword.”
“I was thinking more like a game,” Hammurabi put forth. “Something requiring the kind of strategic thinking our current situation demands.”
“You mean like Go!” actuated newcomer Empress Wu Zetian. “It was all the rage when I ruled the Middle Kingdom.”
“Where did you come from?” injected a startled Hammurabi, who was wondering just how crowded it was going to get around here. “And what in the un-world is Go?”
Commodus’ story
“I understand you want to know more about me. Well, of course you do. You are privileged to be in my company. I am Rome’s greatest emperor, after all.”
“My full title is Caesar Marcus Aurelius Commodus Antoninus Augustus, but my friends call me Hercules, son of Zeus. And if they do not, they put their family, property, and health at risk. You want to be my friend.”
“Do you like my cloak? I had it made from the hide of lion. When you are a god, it is important to dress accordingly.”
“With all I accomplished, you would think I would get more respect, but all anybody talks about is Gaius Julius Caesar. Vini, vidi, boring, if you ask me. Just another overrated has-been.”
“He conquered Gaul. Big deal. I was a renowned gladiator in my time. I fought a hippo once.”
“He introduced the Julian calendar. I came up with a better calendar. Every month was named after me.”
“He rebuilt Carthage. I built statues. A lot of them. All of me.”
“I know the gossip. People say I am mad. But they only say it once.”
“I came up with my own immortal saying – Vituperābam, vovi, vindicavi. I blamed, I vowed, I avenged. Words to live by.”
November 15, 2022
Short story announcement
Literally Stories will be publishing my latest short story, Borrowed Time, on January 31, 2023. Historically, January 31 is also the day that Leon Trotsky was exiled to Alma-Ata, which is better than being exiled to your alma mater since no one there will go on about how they remember when you had a full head of hair.
https://literallystories2014.com/okee...
https://literallystories2014.com/okee...
October 28, 2022
October 27, 2022
Yet another interview
New interview on AwesomeGang.com complete with scandalous revelations, futuristic prognostications, and several recipes for kelp.
Here's the link:
https://awesomegang.com/?p=1050928
Here's the link:
https://awesomegang.com/?p=1050928
October 12, 2022
Success??
After offering Small Stories: A Perfectly Absurd Novel for free at the beginning of this month, the book has risen on the charts of Amazon's free ebooks to #5 in the satire category and #1 in the absurdist category. Of course there were less than 10 books in each group, proving the ranking to be particularly meaningless while demonstrating once again that real life is so much more absurd than fiction.
The novel remains free for the remainder of October, limited to the first million customers.
The novel remains free for the remainder of October, limited to the first million customers.
October 4, 2022
Wildfire
My book is now available at two more, highly selective book stores: the Book Shop of Beverly Farms and Dogtown Books. You can find them at:
https://bookshopofbeverlyfarms.com/
https://www.dogtownbooks.com/
Only 27,693 more stores to go.
https://bookshopofbeverlyfarms.com/
https://www.dogtownbooks.com/
Only 27,693 more stores to go.
September 27, 2022
CraveBooks interview
Check out my latest interview with CraveBooks, because you know, you have nothing better to do with your time.
https://cravebooks.com/author/rob-oke...
https://cravebooks.com/author/rob-oke...
September 17, 2022
More blatant self-promotion
Check out my latest interview on Awesome Gang. https://awesomebookpromotion.com/feat...
You can also find it on their Facebook page.
https://www.facebook.com/ourawesomegang
You can also find it on their Facebook page.
https://www.facebook.com/ourawesomegang
Book store announcement
Small Stories: A Perfectly Absurd Novel, is now available at Jabberwocky Bookshop. https://www.jabberwockybookshop.com/
September 6, 2022
Fun with reviews
Thought I’d share some excerpts from reviews that were posted on sites other than Goodreads. We’ll start with tragic and work our way up to magic.
Category 1: Not exactly what I hoped for
“A bit disappointing.”
So a bit is a small amount, right? Does that mean the rest was good? – R
From the same reviewer: “And the ending just went on for way too long. It should have been 1/5 shorter.”
That’s quite specific. – R
Category 2: Not sure what to think
“The characters were fun and likable. Wayne and Wanda were my favorite.”
There were no characters in the book named Wayne. – R
Category 3: In good company
“The tone it takes is similar to Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy.”
There are no references to the number 42 in my book. I chose 97 instead. Couldn’t be more different. – R
“Recommended for: Those who enjoy short novels, those who enjoy more absurdist works, and those who enjoy Monty Python.”
So people with short attention spans who still own VCRs? – R
Category 4: I swear we’re not related
“There were moments I laughed out loud while reading.”
I hope the laughter was related to what you were reading. – R
“It's obvious the author had a lot of fun writing this book.”
As a matter of fact, I did. Except for those two times when I had to use a semicolon. I really dislike semicolons. – R
“This was a fantastic short novel. I loved it. It was short, snappy, funny and intriguing. It also had a mysterious subplot that resulted in a surprising ending. I will definitely be recommending this to my friends, and you!”
I’m just going to be quiet now. – R
Category 1: Not exactly what I hoped for
“A bit disappointing.”
So a bit is a small amount, right? Does that mean the rest was good? – R
From the same reviewer: “And the ending just went on for way too long. It should have been 1/5 shorter.”
That’s quite specific. – R
Category 2: Not sure what to think
“The characters were fun and likable. Wayne and Wanda were my favorite.”
There were no characters in the book named Wayne. – R
Category 3: In good company
“The tone it takes is similar to Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy.”
There are no references to the number 42 in my book. I chose 97 instead. Couldn’t be more different. – R
“Recommended for: Those who enjoy short novels, those who enjoy more absurdist works, and those who enjoy Monty Python.”
So people with short attention spans who still own VCRs? – R
Category 4: I swear we’re not related
“There were moments I laughed out loud while reading.”
I hope the laughter was related to what you were reading. – R
“It's obvious the author had a lot of fun writing this book.”
As a matter of fact, I did. Except for those two times when I had to use a semicolon. I really dislike semicolons. – R
“This was a fantastic short novel. I loved it. It was short, snappy, funny and intriguing. It also had a mysterious subplot that resulted in a surprising ending. I will definitely be recommending this to my friends, and you!”
I’m just going to be quiet now. – R
Green eggs and spam
Blatant self-promotion, unfounded opinions, and a story or two
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