Fern Schumer Chapman's Blog, page 18
October 11, 2021
Is Your Family Toxic?
OprahDaily, Oprah’s new platform, ran this story last week that featured Brothers, Sisters, Strangers.The article was picked up by Yahoo.com.
The post Is Your Family Toxic? appeared first on Fern Schumer Chapman.
July 21, 2021
Feeling a little less alone
Dear Ms. Chapman,
My two daughters have been estranged since summer 2018, three years now. One went into the Navy, soon to be stationed in Hawaii, the other lives with her boyfriend about 45 minutes away. The Navy daughter and I are very close, the other older daughter also has not spoken to me in three years. When I turned 60 last September she texted me. It had been 2 years at that point. As of this date, I still have not seen, nor spoken to my daughter since 2018, only texting and even that is limited. My younger one wants nothing to do with her until she makes it right with me, but I know there’s more to it. She has told me periods of downright meanness inflicted upon her during their teenage years, times when it was hidden from me.
I divorced their father because he was an abusive alcoholic. The older daughter blames me for staying in the marriage so long, then we lost the house. It was a horrible time for all of us, but I tried to keep the three of us together, and I did succeed! In the end, the older daughter believed the lies her father told her and sided with him therefore cutting me and her sister off.
Your book actually picked me out, if you can believe that?! I was looking for something else, but when I saw the title I walked over to the new book section, read the inside, and proceeded to read it every chance I had thereby finishing in a few days. I loved this book. The way you write is so readable, it flows and I was learning something which for me is the highlight of reading anything! Now I must return it by Friday to the library, but I will buy the book, for me and for my two daughters.
I am to blame for staying in a marriage that was so debilitating , but when you grow up in an abusive house, and you don’t know anything else, it’s hard to believe you can get out of it. Still, my younger daughter does not hold it over my head because she understands, although we agree, I still hurt her. This is a fact.
I hope and look forward to any response Ms. Chapman! Thank you, thank you for writing this loving, compassionate and courageous book. I do not feel so alone anymore.
Eleanor
The post Feeling a little less alone appeared first on Fern Schumer Chapman.
July 8, 2021
Testing
Daily Herald covers author visit for all-school reads program
By Fern Schumer Chapman | Jan 28, 2020
https://www.dailyherald.com/submitted... Read More
The Rock Star of Middle Schools!
By Fern Schumer Chapman | Jan 18, 2020
Students delight in meeting Edith, Westerfeld, FSC’s mother and the subject of her books. Edith, who is 94 years old now, is living history. She tells students of her childhood experiences during the Holocaust. Read More
Another presentation at Algonquin Middle School
By Fern Schumer Chapman | Jan 13, 2020
https://www.journal-topics.com/articl... Read More
Seattle History blog features THREE STARS IN THE NIGHT SKY
By Fern Schumer Chapman | Dec 1, 2019
https://wedgwoodinseattlehistory.com/... Read More
Exhibit features 1941 letter from Gerda Katz’s family in Dominican Republic
By Fern Schumer Chapman | Oct 7, 2019
My mother’s best friend from the ship, Gerda Katz, had saved over 170 letters from her family, who had escaped Nazi Germany to the Dominican Republic in the 1930s. (I included a few of these letters in my book, THREE STARS IN THE NIGHT SKY.) Gerda, who also fled Germany as a 12-year-old unaccompanied minor, was sent to Seattle. She was separated from her family for over 21 years. One … Read More
SKYPE with 7th graders
By Fern Schumer Chapman | Aug 7, 2019
https://www.instagram.com/p/B01ZR3JlYt1/ Read More
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The post Testing appeared first on Fern Schumer Chapman.
July 6, 2021
A Reader’s Response
Phil W. reconciled with only sister after decades of estrangement. Here, he identifies the reason he distanced himself from his family.
Reading Brother, Sisters, Strangers has caused me to think about my decades-long estrangement from and reconciliation with my younger sister.
Often, there isn’t one dramatic cause of a ruptured relationship. In my case, estrangement was the result of a long-ago event that shattered our family and left all of us broken — my father’s death. I was only 15, and I didn’t know how to grieve such a devastating loss. It was difficult for me to be around the remaining members of our family. Instead of turning towards them for support, I turned away and resented them for what I had lost. That was the hidden reason that I distanced myself from my family for decades, and I carry guilt and shame for those choices. I’ve learned to forgive myself, though it hasn’t been easy.
I never talked with anyone about not having a relationship with my sister. Estrangement is a widespread but unacknowledged social phenomenon, and that makes things worse for those who don’t know how to change the relationship or to reconcile. Whenever I saw brothers and sisters happy around each other, I felt as if a knife had been stuck in my side. I suffered in silence for decades.
Finally, after years of estrangement, a life-changing decision was the catalyst for calling my sister. On the phone, I asked if we could see each other and talk. At that time, I needed consolation, affirmation, and love that only a sibling can provide. I was fortunate that she was forgiving and understanding. Now, I have achieved a peace that eluded me for most of my adult life.
The post A Reader’s Response appeared first on Fern Schumer Chapman.
A reader’s response.
Phil W. reconciled with only sister after decades of estrangement. Here, he identifies the reason he distanced himself from his family.
Reading Brother, Sisters, Strangers has caused me to think about my decades-long estrangement from and reconciliation with my younger sister.
Often, there isn’t one dramatic cause of a ruptured relationship. In my case, estrangement was the result of a long-ago event that shattered our family and left all of us broken — my father’s death. I was only 15, and I didn’t know how to grieve such a devastating loss. It was difficult for me to be around the remaining members of our family. Instead of turning towards them for support, I turned away and resented them for what I had lost. That was the hidden reason that I distanced myself from my family for decades, and I carry guilt and shame for those choices. I’ve learned to forgive myself, though it hasn’t been easy.
I never talked with anyone about not having a relationship with my sister. Estrangement is a widespread but unacknowledged social phenomenon, and that makes things worse for those who don’t know how to change the relationship or to reconcile. Whenever I saw brothers and sisters happy around each other, I felt as if a knife had been stuck in my side. I suffered in silence for decades.
Finally, after years of estrangement, a life-changing decision was the catalyst for calling my sister. On the phone, I asked if we could see each other and talk. At that time, I needed consolation, affirmation, and love that only a sibling can provide. I was fortunate that she was forgiving and understanding. Now, I have achieved a peace that eluded me for most of my adult life.
The post A reader’s response. appeared first on Fern Schumer Chapman.
Dedicated to fully engaging in life
I am the fifth of six siblings. My father married my mother and, my oldest brother arrived all before they both turned 20. Following the birth of the sixth child, my parents divorced. Consequently, my mother began working out of the home and my oldest sister became like a second mother to the youngest sibling. I, at age 8, became very independent. I held close a best friend and her family, while getting involved in a long list of activities, sports and church youth groups. I was a straight arrow kid, and it was important to me not to make waves for my mother, who had her hands full. However, even before my parents split up, I remember sensing disapproval from my oldest sister. We are 8 years apart in age and different in many ways. Some of my earliest memories are ones where she demonstrated resentment towards me.
The estrangement between her and I began when my family was cut off of holidays and family gatherings that she hosted. She was not interested in attending many gatherings where I might be also attending. My father pleaded her to meet and speak with me about what was between us and eventually she agreed to meet.
While meeting, I don’t believe she had any intention of reconciliation. A few things were discussed, mistakes we both made, words said that can’t be taken back. Yet, it felt like she was not completely forth coming. It is true that with a family our size, sharing a small home, things happen, people get frustrated, mad and hurt.
Our differences continued to separate us and when conflicts arose my three sisters banded together so it felt like, them against me. With my two brothers living far away, I was isolated. My sister refused to talk about it with my parents. My father and one of my brothers commented about how “powerful they could be when they backed each other up”. They were so sure that they were justified in what they were doing.
The estrangement was hard of course, for my parents and for my husband and kids. For a time my son questioned what I did to cause the estrangement. I shared with him all that I understood and he admitted that he felt I had to be holding something back since the punishment felt so severe. With the past year and the passing of both my parents, my husband and kids no longer question what could have happened but instead encourage me to let it go.
As the eldest daughter, and in the absence of my oldest brother, my sister was given much of the decision making in the care of my aging parents. I was left out of decisions and important information regarding their condition and care. As much as I could, I was there for my parents. During my parents’ lives and in their final days we were able to express our love for each other .
It has never been clear to me what I have done that would justify being treated in this way, or what is so different about me, as a member of our family, compared to any of my other 5 siblings. Even so, I have apologized several times for anything I may have said or done that would offend anyone in our family. I apologized in person, through email and text, and in cards written and sent through the mail.
Both my parents passed and the most recent punishment I received from my sisters has left my children and husband firmly believing I need to get out from under the family drama. At my mother’s interment, the priest talked about meeting, “the daughters”, but not the brothers. I was not given the option to help with or be involved in the planning of my mother’s funeral, so I thought that comment was strange, since I had not met the priest. Finally, while my sister was giving the eulogy, she listed all my mother’s children by name and left mine out. My brother acknowledged to me, that my mother would not have wanted that to happen.
Knowing what to say when people ask about my relationship with my sisters is difficult. I have no answer that makes sense. So many stories in the book; Brothers, Sisters, Strangers, felt like my own. Because of that, I feel less alone. It has helped me accept my situation and the things I cannot change. I am grateful for my life, my community, my marriage, my kids and my growing family. Most days I am grateful for who I have become. I am dedicated to lifelong learning, self-improvement and engaging fully in the life I have been given.
The post Dedicated to fully engaging in life appeared first on Fern Schumer Chapman.
I am the fifth of six siblings.
I am the fifth of six siblings. My father married my mother and, my oldest brother arrived all before they both turned 20. Following the birth of the sixth child, my parents divorced. Consequently, my mother began working out of the home and my oldest sister became like a second mother to the youngest sibling. I, at age 8, became very independent. I held close a best friend and her family, while getting involved in a long list of activities, sports and church youth groups. I was a straight arrow kid, and it was important to me not to make waves for my mother, who had her hands full. However, even before my parents split up, I remember sensing disapproval from my oldest sister. We are 8 years apart in age and different in many ways. Some of my earliest memories are ones where she demonstrated resentment towards me.
The estrangement between her and I began when my family was cut off of holidays and family gatherings that she hosted. She was not interested in attending many gatherings where I might be also attending. My father pleaded her to meet and speak with me about what was between us and eventually she agreed to meet.
While meeting, I don’t believe she had any intention of reconciliation. A few things were discussed, mistakes we both made, words said that can’t be taken back. Yet, it felt like she was not completely forth coming. It is true that with a family our size, sharing a small home, things happen, people get frustrated, mad and hurt.
Our differences continued to separate us and when conflicts arose my three sisters banded together so it felt like, them against me. With my two brothers living far away, I was isolated. My sister refused to talk about it with my parents. My father and one of my brothers commented about how “powerful they could be when they backed each other up”. They were so sure that they were justified in what they were doing.
The estrangement was hard of course, for my parents and for my husband and kids. For a time my son questioned what I did to cause the estrangement. I shared with him all that I understood and he admitted that he felt I had to be holding something back since the punishment felt so severe. With the past year and the passing of both my parents, my husband and kids no longer question what could have happened but instead encourage me to let it go.
As the eldest daughter, and in the absence of my oldest brother, my sister was given much of the decision making in the care of my aging parents. I was left out of decisions and important information regarding their condition and care. As much as I could, I was there for my parents. During my parents’ lives and in their final days we were able to express our love for each other .
It has never been clear to me what I have done that would justify being treated in this way, or what is so different about me, as a member of our family, compared to any of my other 5 siblings. Even so, I have apologized several times for anything I may have said or done that would offend anyone in our family. I apologized in person, through email and text, and in cards written and sent through the mail.
Both my parents passed and the most recent punishment I received from my sisters has left my children and husband firmly believing I need to get out from under the family drama. At my mother’s interment, the priest talked about meeting, “the daughters”, but not the brothers. I was not given the option to help with or be involved in the planning of my mother’s funeral, so I thought that comment was strange, since I had not met the priest. Finally, while my sister was giving the eulogy, she listed all my mother’s children by name and left mine out. My brother acknowledged to me, that my mother would not have wanted that to happen.
Knowing what to say when people ask about my relationship with my sisters is difficult. I have no answer that makes sense. So many stories in the book; Brothers, Sisters, Strangers, felt like my own. Because of that, I feel less alone. It has helped me accept my situation and the things I cannot change. I am grateful for my life, my community, my marriage, my kids and my growing family. Most days I am grateful for who I have become. I am dedicated to lifelong learning, self-improvement and engaging fully in the life I have been given.
The post I am the fifth of six siblings. appeared first on Fern Schumer Chapman.
June 25, 2021
USAToday features “Brothers, Sisters, Strangers” in Life section
Story was picked up by many news media sites, including msn.com and Yahoo.com.
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June 12, 2021
The Curiosity Hour interviews FSC
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June 8, 2021
Therapy for Real Life podcast interviews FSC
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