Denise Svajlenko's Blog: Joyful Life, page 2

Work vs Purpose

Do you wake up every morning without your alarm, anxious to start your day? Do you scurry to work, beaming with excitement? Are you doing enjoyable work that feeds your soul?

By adulthood, our days are mainly consumed with our work. Work is defined as “an activity involving mental or physical effort done in order to achieve a result”. Most of us must work in order to support ourselves and our families. Even if we have retired, much of our day is spent doing odd jobs or doing some sort of part-time work. Yet, many of us don’t consider the work that we are doing to be meaningful and fulfilling.

Research has demonstrated that only a marginal percentage of the population deem themselves to be content and have successful careers. What differentiates this group from the majority who are unsatisfied in their jobs, is that the satisfied have deliberately chosen career paths that have incorporated their passions and interests into their work. These are the folks who knew from a young age what their calling was. For example, the classroom enthusiasts who loved to help the teacher and excessively practiced teaching, and so became educators. Or the young science and medical enthusiasts who voraciously read medical books and were certain that they wanted to save lives, and so became doctors. Purpose is defined as “the reason for something”. Our purpose or life calling is the reason why we rush out of bed every morning, eager to start work. If we are part of the minority who are lucky enough to find a career that is also our life calling or purpose, then we are truly blessed.

Unfortunately, many of us don’t really know what we want to do or even how to discover what type of work will invigorate us? So, what can we do? I am suggesting that your first step is taking a deep dive and looking into your past to rediscover and reconnect with your interests and passions. What can’t you not do? What have you done in the past that you don’t notice time, and hours go by without looking at your watch? What made or makes you feel so fulfilled while you are doing it, that you don’t want to stop? What comes natural to you that you love to do? Our passions lead us to our purpose. Spiritual guru Bishop T.D. Jakes tells us “If you can’t figure out your purpose, figure out your passion. For your passion will lead you right into your purpose.” It is never too late to uncover our passions.

But what if you have fallen into your work more out of necessity and it is not your life purpose? Once we are immersed into our daily work routines, it becomes more difficult for us to leave. Life takes over and there are many reasons, mostly financial, of why we stay and continue to do work that leaves us feeling empty. If you are stuck doing unfulfilled work in order to pay your bills, there are still ways that you can include some of your passions into your workday. You can intentionally spend your time and focus on your passions before work, after work, or during your spare time at work. You can also see if there are any ways that you can add your passions directly into your job. For example, if you are an extrovert and gifted organizer, perhaps you can volunteer to run your work social club. These short-term solutions will bring you some joy into your workday, until you have more time to fully devote to your passions. As Oprah has been quoted as saying, “Do what you have to do until you can do what you want.”

Retirement is that time for many of us when we have the time to do what we really want to do. It is probably the most crucial time in our lives when we require a life purpose, even though we may no longer need paid work. We now have the time to review our past in order to understand what has brought us joy, and to find our path to our life calling. Perhaps you have a green thumb and love gardening, you now have the time to cultivate plants and/or vegetables that you can share with your family and neighbours. Maybe you have singing talents and acting abilities, you can now join non-profit theatre groups to showcase your performing arts skills to your community. Or possibly you love travel and adventure. You can become a tour guide or plan and organize trips for others. The possibilities are endless.

Another common theme of a life calling or purpose, is that it often involves service or helping others. Our purpose may change, and we can have more than one purpose in our life. An early life calling may have been mothering, but as your children grow up and start raising families of their own, your role changes and you must seek your next purpose. What must you do that truly nourishes your soul? When I retired from my full-time career, I reconnected with many of my passions. I love spending my days researching and booking travel and writing my weekly Spiritual Life blog. I even spent months writing a book that was eventually published. I know I am fulfilling my purpose because when I am doing what I love to do, the time flies by, and, I have received many inspirational messages from readers who have told me how my stories have resonated and helped them.

There have been many insightful books written on finding our calling and purpose, by authors such as Viktor Frankl, Eckhart Tolle, and Rick Warren, to name a few. The common theme is that the purpose of our life is to live a life of purpose. If we are using our gifts and passions and doing what we love to do, then we will be fulfilled and experience true happiness. One of my favourite newer books on this topic is the book “Think like a Monk: Train your mind for peace and purpose every day” by best-selling author Jay Shetty. The author provides readers with practical advice on how we all can live a life of intention and purpose by thinking like a monk. Many of his life observations resonated with me. One of the most important lessons that he teaches from his monk perspective, is to ignore the noise of others, such as parents, friends, education, and the media. They all tell us what we should be doing and what will make us happy, yet only we can know our own life calling and what our true purpose is that will bring us real happiness.

One of my favorite older books is “The Alchemist” by best-selling author Paulo Coelho, who tells the tale of a spiritual journey of finding one’s true self and purpose in life. The story reveals that we are all born with a purpose, that is deep within us, and that it is up to us to discover our own unique purpose. It is only when we discover our life purpose, that we be blessed to live a life filled with abundance and joy. I would love to know what your life purpose is.

My First Byline

We remember all of our memorable firsts: first job (McDonalds where the best part was the free food at break), first car (grey chevy chevette that swayed through every rain and wind storm), first kiss (Grade 6 with Billy Pratt- a little wet and sloppy), first birth (exhilarated and exhausted after pushing Megan with all my might down my birth canal for two hours), first concert (Eagles in Toronto where security found fruit in our purses instead of the drugs they were searching for), first book I reread (“Are You There God It’s Me Margaret” – every reading literally got me through my adolescence). If you have a writer’s soul like me, you will always remember your first byline. I remember mine like it was yesterday, yet it was many years ago, November 28, 1998, to be exact.

I was working at a job at that time that I didn’t enjoy at all, so decided to spend part of my day doing something that would bring me joy. I have always been a voracious non-fiction reader and often read several books a week. Biographies, memoirs, and other life stories were my preferred genre. I was a truth seeker, interested in learning how people became who they are and other informative and interesting tales. With such a keen interest in so many subjects, I also discovered at that time that I had stories that I wanted to share, so started writing about topics of interest to me, including personal finance, relationships, and mostly travel. My workday became so much more bearable and pleasant on the days that I could close my office door and fill my blank pages with interesting words and factual stories.

Tremblant was a ski resort that my husband and I had discovered when there was just a single chalet. We had returned many times to witness it become a boisterous village, after Intrawest purchased it and had the same vision for it that they had for their other grandiose developments throughout Canada and the U.S.A. I had followed its phenomenal growth and it was a story that I knew intimately and wanted to tell.

Back in those days, if you wanted to get published, you wrote the story or article first and then submitted it to the editors of the various newspapers and magazines. The Globe and Mail had an extensive travel section, and it was also the only Toronto newspaper that was circulated throughout Canada. It was a writer’s dream to have an article featured in the Globe and Mail.

After writing my travel article about Tremblant, I submitted it to several travel editors, including Victor from the Globe and Mail. About a week after submitting it, I got an email back from Victor advising me that he may be interested. He asked me where all I had been published and, at that time, I hadn’t yet sold a single article, so I had to confess to him that I didn’t yet have a byline. I told him that whatever I lacked in experience, and proof of publication, I made up for in knowledge and subject matter expertise, and that I would happily make any necessary changes to the article that he wanted. He said he would think about it and get back to me. I left our conversation practically pleading with him at how much it would mean to me if he took a chance on me and published my Tremblant article. After waiting anxiously for several days, Victor emailed me back, simply saying “Yeah, I’ll take it”. I would find out all the details, after exchanging several additional emails back and forth with him. He didn't ask me to change one word.

On Saturday morning, November 28, 1998, I woke up early and walked briskly to our neighborhood variety store as soon as it opened. I flipped through the first Globe and Mail newspaper, to the travel section, and couldn’t believe my eyes. My Tremblant article had made the front page along with two other ski destinations. I decided to buy the entire stack of newspapers. As I carried the enormous bundle to the cashier, many pages that were now falling out of my arms, the cashier looked at me curiously. I rummaged through as quick as I could to the travel section, to show the cashier my published article. She continued to look at me annoyed, completely disinterested, and unimpressed, and simply told me how much money I owed and asked how I planned to carry her entire supply of newspapers out of her store. I didn’t let her lack of enthusiasm get me down. I was on cloud nine. I was an author and had my first byline. I grabbed every paper, cradled them in my arms like a precious baby, trying desperately not to drop any. I alternated between skipping and running all the way home and never dropped a single paper. My prized possession would become invaluable to me.

I continued to write and sell non-fiction stories and articles to various newspapers and magazines for the next several years, thanks to that first byline in the Globe and Mail. When my family and full-time career required more of my focus, I took an extensive hiatus from writing. We tend to always return to our passions, and I returned to writing after I semi-retired from my career a few years ago. I also believe that many of our passions lead to our life callings. Writing is a passion that I love to do, always find my way back to, and can't seem to live without. I published my first book this year titled “Evolving: My Lessons of Self-Discovery” and I have started a Blog. I am blessed to have a writer’s soul, with many more stories within me, that I know I must write, and can't wait to share. Stay tuned for more bylines.

Age vs Old

When I was a child, I thought that everyone who was over 60 was old. My memories are of seeing most senior women with grey hair, and many senior men with no hair. I also clearly remember that seniors generally walked and talked more slowly. Today, most women that age color their hair, and some elders can walk even faster than teenagers. Aging has changed significantly over the years, and we age very differently today, then we did historically.

In the 1920’s, 65 was considered very old and 55 was considered old. Today, 80 is considered very old, 70 is considered old, and 55 is considered middle age. Demographers tell us that longevity will keep lengthening in the decades to come. In 1950, the life expectancy age in Canada was 68.29. In 2021, the life expectancy age in Canada is 82.66. They are predicting the life expectancy in 2100 to be 91.82. The fact is, we are living longer and will continue to do so in the years to come. As such, our perception about age, and what is considered old, has changed throughout the decades. We also have many more societal advances that has helped us slow down our aging process, so we do believe that 60 is the new 40 or 50.

I vividly remember on December 31, 2009, when the Canadian federal government prohibited mandatory retirement at age 65. The reason I remember so clearly is because I worked in Human Resources, and the new federal regulations required that all employers update their work policies and benefits information, to reflect the elimination of mandatory retirement. I also distinctly remember that there were two different opinions on this new workplace legislation. There were employees who were pleased with the new mandate because they still felt vigorous and valued and wanted to continue to work without being forced to retire, just because of their age. But there were some managers who were not pleased with the new legislation, because they wanted to replace older employees with younger workers and could no longer use mandatory retirement as an accepted practice for terminating employees as soon as they turned 65. Employers who did not adhere to the new regulations, would now be deemed in violation of the Human Rights Code for discriminating against employees, on the basis of age.

There are many noticeable differences about aging now, from decades ago. Books written in previous decades, focused primarily on the pitfalls of growing older. They highlighted changes to our minds and bodies as a result of aging, such as memory loss and physical and mobility deterioration. Today, books such as “Rethinking Aging” and “Aging Without Growing Old” focus on helping us positively navigate our senior years. One of my favourite books, “I remember Nothing”, written by best-selling author Nora Ephron, with her trademark curiosity and sense of humour, tells us in her comical way that she cannot remember anything, but it is ok, because there are so many other benefits of aging. Best-selling author, Joan Lunden, shares in her book, “Why Did I Come into This Room” the realities of the science of aging. In her book, Joan replaces many myths about aging with factual information and everything that she has learned along her journey. In her own life, she remarried in her 50’s and then expanded her family, by having two separate sets of twins via surrogacy. She insists that “Your 60’s is just not over the hill anymore. It’s more like the top of the hill”.

When talking about the subject of aging, we often get asked what our real age is? Many of us describe our age by providing our chronological age. That is, the date that is on our birth certificates. Biological age is the term used to describe the age that we really feel. Our birth certificates may tell us that chronologically we are 60 years old, but biologically, we may only feel, say 40 years old.

There are many factors that affect our assessment of our biological age, such as diet and nutrition, exercise, stress, exposure to environmental and other toxins, and chronic conditions. If you want to reduce your biological age, there are steps that you can take to incorporate a healthy lifestyle into your daily life. A millennial who is sedentary, smokes, does not eat a healthy diet, and has excessive stress in her life may be biologically older than a senior who has never smoked, eats a healthy and balanced diet, exercises daily, meditates, prays, and does other activities to relieve stress, and has no chronic health conditions. Yet, the chronological age of the millennial is so much younger than the chronological age of the senior.

I find it very disappointing that many cultures, including ours, value beauty and youth over life experiences and wisdom. Aging women in North America are often dismissed. How many older women do we see in movies who have aged naturally and are depicted as living interesting, adventurous lives? I hope that we learn to value age, like other cultures and societies do from other parts of the world. Their philosophy is that with age, comes wisdom, and it is the wisest in those societies and cultures who are revered, as they should be.

“Golden Soul” from the Chicken Soup for the Soul book series, was such a popular theme, that they added new titles to their collection, such as “Age is Just a Number”. Many longevity experts tell us that age is just a number and to not let our age tell us what we can and cannot do. I am fast approaching 60 years old, my third act as I affectionately like to call it, and I could not be more excited about this phase in my life. Most days, my biological age is much younger than my chronological age. Although I am a realist and must confess, that my short-term memory continues to fade, and I cannot physically do everything that I used to be able to do in my younger years. However, not only do I now have so many more life lessons and experiences behind me, but I also feel so much more confident and comfortable in my own skin.

One of the best things about aging and growing older for me, is caring more about who I really am, and not about how I look. As life expectancy increases, I now have more years of exciting new adventures to look forward to in my life. I also know that my lifestyle determines my biological age, or how old I really feel, and the chronological age that I may aspire to reach, which hopefully will be well into my golden years. Growing old is a privilege that not everyone gets to experience, and I feel very blessed to continue to age. What is your biological age or how old do you really feel?

Money vs Wealth

We all have been led to believe that our lives would be so much easier, and we would be so much happier, if we had plenty of money. The dictionary definition of wealth means to have an abundance of money or possessions. But is having an excess of money and things really the key to happiness?

Talking about our own money and personal finances is considered taboo. Our dinner conversations with family and friends, rarely centers around how much money we are worth or how much money we have in the bank (unless you hang with public figure millionaires and billionaires like the Bezos’ or the Gates’, although they both are now divorced). The money we earn, spend, and save is considered personal and confidential information, and not information that most of us choose to share with our friends or publicly.

We all assumed that people who drove shiny sports cars and lived in gigantic homes, were wealthy. However, books like “the Millionaire Next Door” uncovered to us, that just because people drive fancy cars and reside in enormous homes, does not mean that they have money. They may, in fact, be drowning debt. People who live above their means, overspend, and fail to open retirement and savings accounts, like to fool people by pretending that they have lots of money, when in reality they are only fooling themselves.

Many books have been written and devoted to money and personal finance, with titles such as “How to get Rich”, “How to Make Money”, and “How to Become a Millionaire”. Finance experts from every media, including books, magazines, television, and online websites, all want to teach us how to get rich quick. We even buy weekly lottery tickets with the hopes of being the small statistic of winners who collect the weekly jackpot. We love to share with our family and friends our dreams of what we would do with all the money we won, all the things that we would buy.

Why are we so obsessed with money and does having lots of money really make us happier? Research suggests that having a large quantity of money does not necessarily make us happier. About 11 years ago, Purdue University researchers conducted detailed studies and gallup polls, and discovered that wages of $75,000 was the maximum amount of earnings required to be happy. Their Studies demonstrated that people who earn more than $75,000 per year were not any happier than those earning, say $1,000,000 per year. Even if we include yearly inflation since those studies were conducted, results indicate that earnings of more than $100,000 per year in today’s dollars does not make you happier. The basis of the research suggests that once your necessary needs and living expenses are met, any additional money will not buy you happiness.

If having an excess of money does not make us happier, then what is success and what will make us happy? Best-selling author Michelle Obama has said “Success isn’t about how much money you make. It is about the difference you make in someone else’s life”. Best-selling author and researcher, Brene Brown, also claims that “the only currency that matters in this world is what you share with someone else” and the role you play in other people’s lives is your greatest wealth”. Both of their definitions of wealth focus on service, social interactions, and significant relationships, with no mention of money.
Both authors challenge us to view wealth differently than the traditional dictionary definition. I am going to also suggest that our physical and mental health is instrumental to us being wealthy, because, if we do not have good health, then everything else in our life is insignificant. It does not matter how much money we have if our destiny does not allow us to live a long and happy life. Many will say that wealth is health, and I agree.

If you are seeking wealth in your daily spiritual life, I would suggest that you stop focusing on having more money and material things than you need. The material possessions that you have accrued are not going to bring you more contentment and do not really matter, particularly as you get to the end of your life. Someone else will either inherit them or will have to get rid of them for you. Research has taught us that having more money and stuff than we need, does not add more contentment to our lives.

Now, I am not going to lie. I cannot help but smile and become ecstatic whenever I discover a little extra cash that I get to spend on travel and other experiences and adventures that enrich my life and create memories for me. But then again, it has also been proven that there is a difference between contentment derived from material belongings vs life experiences. The next time I buy someone special a gift, I am going to think about what they like to do, and not what I think that they may need to have.

What brings us joy in our daily spiritual life is having enough money to spend and tend to our daily living requirements, having meaningful relationships in our life, sharing our gifts and resources with others, our good emotional and physical well-being, and being grateful everyday for everything that we have been blessed with in our life. For me, that is the real definition of wealth and what we should strive to achieve for living a truly wealthy life.

Cultivating Passions and Life Callings

The attached is a chapter from my book titled Evolving: My Lessons of Self-Discovery,Evolving: My Lessons of Self-DiscoveryDenise Svajlenko available on Amazon throughout the world. Evolving is about my journey of self-discovery and all the lessons I learned along my path.

Cultivating Passions and Life Callings

I have always loved spending time outdoors. My discovery of nature began in my childhood at our cottage, when my sister and I would pack a lunch and spend an entire day exploring country roads and farmers’ fields. My happiest childhood memories are of playing outside, either riding my bike or walking on nature paths. I eventually joined cross country running teams because I loved running through woods and conservation trails and seeing the leaves change color in the fall. I excelled at running because it was my passion.

The snow and cold of winters were enjoyable to me as a child. My sister and I spent endless hours skating on ponds and I skied on hills and mountains with breathtaking scenery from the time I was about ten, until just a few years ago. My love of the ocean or a lake, being on water, is what appeals to me most at this stage in my life. In fact, we specifically moved a few years ago to be near water and we like to spend parts of winters near the ocean in the sunny south.

The first common interest that my husband Ron and I shared was our mutual love for nature and the outdoors. We hiked, biked, camped, portaged, fished, canoed, swam, skied, skated, and played tennis together. And we still do many of those activities today. Spending time outdoors is the “church” where I tune into my spiritual faith, also feeding my mind, body, and soul.

I love watching the birds and butterflies while walking along the nature trail in the conservation area near our home. It is also not uncommon for me to bike 30 to 40 kilometers along our waterfront trail. If I ever feel sad or down, I strap on my running shoes, head outside, and always feel better when I return home. My absolute favorite time is sunset. It is when I feel closest to a Divine force and express my gratitude to that force for the creation of all the beauty in this world.
I loved listening to music from a young age and always found it relaxing. Songs and music can take me away from my own negative thoughts and feelings and help me feel better. I particularly like country music, because I can relate to many of the song lyrics about real life stories. My husband and I listen to music together more than we watch television. My best date night is cooking at home, drinking wine, listening to music, and having a meaningful conversation with my husband, or going out to establishments and listening to live music with friends.

I started cooking again after I left my working career. I am not an adventurous cook like my husband, but I like to eat wholesome real food, so homemade soups, pasta and other one-pan dishes are my specialties. It is soothing to me, now that I have the time, to chop fresh vegetables and put wholesome ingredients together, to create a meal that is both healthy and tasty. Staying home during the COVID-19 virus has forced me to cook more and be more adventurous with trying new recipes.

I have always enjoyed reading. In my childhood, my reading provided escapes to new places. In my adulthood, I read to fulfill my lifelong learning quest and feed my curiosity. I believe that we are our best when we continue to be curious about the world and make it our mission to learn throughout our lives. I mostly read non-fiction and my preferred genre is biographies. I am intrigued and interested in learning how people become who they are. What is the life path of an athlete who wins a gold medal, or an actress who wins an Academy Award, or a politician who becomes president? their heroes’ journey.

I learned to play euchre and other card games from my grandmother Mary, and euchre is still one of the card games that my husband and I most often play with other couples. My mother and Gordon taught Ron and I how to play bridge, and we would play almost every night that we visited them in Florida. Bridge is a complex thinking game and I love the challenge.

Another blessing of COVID-19 restrictions has been my increased interest in golf. I have always liked the occasional game of golf, but played only once or twice a year, and not necessarily every year. This year, I joined a ladies’ league where I played with girlfriends every week. My husband also became an avid golfer, so he and I played together at least once a week, and we often join our friends for couples’ golf outings. Golf is the most intense and challenging sport I have played but it is also the most social and fun outdoor activity, particularly at my age. I have fallen in love with golf and plan to continue to play for as many more years as I am able to.

I am adventurous by nature and have a yearning to explore the world. My love of travel started in my childhood when we would drive to Florida. I became mesmerized by the palm trees and beaches, that were foreign to me. It was the first time that I experienced a life that was different from my own, and I liked it. My parents bought a vacation property in Naples, Florida, when I was about ten years old, and it has been my home away from home since then. Naples is where I have spent endless vacations and my husband and I have rented a condo ourselves for a month at a time, since semi-retiring. We plan on becoming snowbirds there when we fully retire. It is my happy place to go to.
Early in our marriage, I introduced my husband to travel by taking him to Florida, and I am thankful that he liked it as much as I do. When our daughters were born, we decided that travel had to play a major role in our family life, and the girls have flown on airplanes and cross-country car trips, before they even started school. We have taken our family on cruises, ski trips, travelled to islands, to western Canada, to Europe, just to name a few of our adventures. Every travel adventure has taught our daughters about different cultures and shown them how others live, as well as shown them beauty around the world. They in turn have developed their own passions from our travels. Being on water, whether it is an ocean or lake, is so peaceful to me and I have discovered where I choose to live.

My husband and I have traveled throughout Caribbean Islands, Europe, South America, the United States and Canada and there are still continents that we want to explore. One of the highs of our travel experiences was a bus trip through Europe for our fifteenth wedding anniversary. Last year, we went on a similar bus trip and toured Spain and Portugal. We also love cruising and have cruised through the Greek Isles, the Mediterranean, South America, the California coast, the New England Coast, and numerous times throughout the Caribbean Islands. I think I have been on at least 15 cruises. Several years ago, I purchased the book titled 1,000 Places to See Before You Die, and I made a bucket list of all the places that I wanted to travel to within the next few years. Our oldest daughter lives in England, so we have an opportunity to explore England and other European countries while visiting her. Our goal is to travel throughout Australia, New Zealand, Bali, and Fiji within the next couple of years. I enjoy researching and planning our trips almost as much as the journeys themselves. Anytime I can immense myself in a new culture and learn something new about people and the world, it excites me.

Lessons Learned: All my passions nourish my soul and take me to places where I feel true contentment. I know that understanding and experiencing different people and cultures through travel, cooking, listening to music, reading books, and spending time in nature, brings me joy. My true passions are so important in my life because I do not notice time when I am doing what I love to do. Perhaps I will discover that writing is one of my true callings at this stage of life. I know that my goal is to keep trying new things and finding new passions, as they will bring me joy, feed my soul, and may even lead me on my path to discovering new life purposes. Fulfilling my life purposes is the goal of my soul and discovering my real self

Religion vs Spirituality

Have you ever questioned whether your beliefs align more with religion or spirituality, or a combination of the two? Or have you pondered if there is a difference between religion and spirituality?

Faith seekers have been offering their opinions on the difference between religion and spirituality for many years. Being a seeker myself, I have incorporated many views from other religious and spiritual leaders. I will share with you my thoughts and understanding of definitions and the commonalities and differences between religion and spirituality.

Religion, in my opinion, is an organized and structured path to our higher power, which many call the Universe, the Divine, or God. I will refer to this higher power as God. There are many different religions throughout the world, and they all have their own systems and beliefs. My observation is that all religions share the same common goal of providing their faith followers with a pathway to God.

Every religion has its own rules, regulations, rituals, celebrations, and acceptable practices that define how followers practice their religion. Religions use different kinds of community dwellings and settings for sharing and celebrating beliefs, such as churches and synagogues. For example, followers of the Christian religion attend church, predominantly on Sundays, whereas followers of Jewish religion attend synagogue, mainly on Saturdays. Followers of Buddhism believe in universal truths and noble principles and followers of Hinduism practise their own daily rituals in their homes and believe in reincarnation.

Spiritualism, in my opinion, is our personal relationship with God, our higher power. Spiritualists do not follow the same structured pathway to God as witnessed from religion. Spiritualism reveals to followers that God is always communicating with them. God is receptive to us praying and asking regularly for help, and God also sends us messages through synchronicity, through our intuition, and through signs and messages in the universe. Signs and messages reveal themselves to us when we are receptive to receiving them, and when we are consciously paying close attention to what the universe is telling us.

Religions attempt to answer our big questions by providing the path for a deeper understanding, but some will say that religions fail to answer our really big questions. For instance, many religions believe in life after death or an afterlife, but do not provide the answers to our specific questions about life and death. Spirituality provides us with answers to our big questions about life and death and the purpose for our lives here in this physical world. Spiritualists know where they come from, where they go when they pass, how they should live their physical life here on earth, and that they can always communicate with loves ones who have passed and are in Spirit.

Many people join religions for the purpose of belonging to a community and being with other like-minded people who share their common beliefs. Some will argue that religion separates humanity. They will tell you that they have witnessed people who only accept other people of the same faith and beliefs as they hold. Many have also witnessed that religions tend to compete with one another, claiming that their rules, traditions, and regulations are better than others, and that their path is the only path to God. Spiritualists tells followers that we are all one and we are all united. Everyone here on this earth is an eternal soul in a physical body, and we are all equal. No soul is superior. Spirituality provides followers with a direct path to God and Spirit where they can call on our higher power at any time, because they have a personal relationship.

My experiences have taught me that you can be both spiritual and religious. For example, I still hold many Christian beliefs, and I like many aspects and beliefs of other religions, but I have predominantly adopted a Spiritualist faith. Best-selling author Thomas Moore wrote the book titled “A Religion of One’s Own” where he devoted an entire book for seekers to discover and develop their own path to faith and our higher power. Even before reading his book, I was intrigued by aspects of Buddhism and Hinduism. I incorporate both my Spiritualist faith and my Christian beliefs into my daily spiritual life. As best-selling spiritual author Gabrielle Bernstein is quoted as saying, “people find their spirituality through religion and can have a God of their own understanding. Religion is taught to us but spirituality we learn on our own.”

I believe having any faith is important to incorporate into our daily life. Our faith informs every decision we make, helps us understand how to live our life, and provides us with our direction and compass in life. If you are part of an organized religion, you will understand how important belonging to a community is, and how important your beliefs are in your life. If you are not part of a religion, you can choose to observe or join an organized religion in your community at anytime, and you would be welcomed into that community with open arms.

If you currently do not have a faith and would like to add more Spirituality into your daily life, there are some basic steps to get you started. The first step is to create a quiet time and space for you to meditate or think. It could be first thing in the morning when you get out of bed, ten minutes in the middle of a busy day, or at the end of the evening just before you go to bed. You want to create a daily ritual where you can communicate with God and Spirit and ask for help or ask questions to ensure that you are on your right path.
The next step is to watch for signs and messages being sent to you in answer to your questions. This takes practice because it requires us to consciously pay attention to everything the universe is telling us. We do not always understand at the time that signs and messages are for us, but, if we pay close attention, then we will realize that God and Spirit hears our prayers and questions. For example, you may accidentally run into an old friend who has information that you have been seeking, or you may develop a knot in your stomach and have a hunch that moving forward with a big decision in your life you are contemplating is not in your best interest. You may be driving in your car and notice a license plate in front of you with a word or name that confirms a question that you have been asking or a song may come on the radio that has special meaning to you. There are so many different ways that signs and messages are sent and reveal themselves to us from God and Spirit.

Religion and spirituality both provide us with a path to our higher power. You may prefer to practice one over the other, a combination of the two, or to develop your own faith specific to your needs, as author Thomas Moore suggests. Incorporating faith in our daily life provides us with a foundation and direction, and most importantly, it provides us with our purpose and the comfort of knowing that we are never alone.

Selfless vs Self-care

Being selfless is considered the gold star of morality and character. I know I have put people on a pedestal who I have regarded as selfless, and I have viewed their actions as being the ultimate gold standard of conduct that I strive to achieve. Historically, we have always praised people for being selfless. How many of us have admired so and so for their actions of putting their needs aside and doing everything for everyone else. The definition of selfless means to be concerned more with the wishes of others than one’s own. Upon full reflection and contemplation, does that really sound like behaviour we want to emulate and a way of being that we should strive to achieve? Should we care about others more than we care about ourselves?

If you ask best selling author Glennon Doyle, she will tell you that “the world does not need more selfless people, but rather the world needs more people who are full of themselves”. What she means by that statement is that everyone needs to value and respect themselves at least as much as they value and respect others. In her brilliant book, Untamed, Glennon describes in detail the problem that women face when they ignore or completely lose themselves (their authentic selves) to become the women that their culture, society, and others expect them to be. She takes readers on her personal journey of living her life where she was selfless for others, and she ultimately lost sight of her true self completely. Her book chronicles her pain, unhappiness, and the mental illnesses that she developed as a result of her attempt at pleasing others and not herself.

We must question if selfless people are really happy if it requires them to always place other people’s needs before their own. Personally, I can think of very few people who will say that their internal happiness has been derived solely from being selfless. Mother Theresa is the only person that immediately comes to my mind, and she was a saint. I believe people can be content by doing some selfless acts, but always being selfless, will never bring true peace, happiness, and internal fulfillment.

I would like to suggest another approach that is necessary for internal happiness, and that is self-care. C My definition of self-care is that it a holistic approach to taking care of our physical, emotional, and spiritual well-being and self. Cheryl Richardson is one of the pioneers on the art of self-care and has written several books on the subject, promoting all the benefits. She claims that self-care is “not selfish, but instead is necessary if we are to continue to help others”. Traditionally, we may have considered focusing on oneself as being luxurious and indulgent, but spiritual gurus like Cheryl will argue that self-care is a necessity and crucial to our well-being. We must care for ourselves before we are capable of caring for our immediate families, communities, and others.

What are some basic self-care tips that we can incorporate into our daily lives? I am suggesting that our first step is to remind ourselves daily to treat ourselves with the same love and respect that we show to the most important people in our life. We need to focus on everyday habits that we value as being good for us and not just mandates from our doctor. Getting enough sleep, eating nutritious foods, taking time for exercise, scheduling and attending medical appointments, and anything else necessary for our daily healthy life that becomes a habit and something we will stick with.

For deeper emotional and mental health well-being, we must give ourselves permission to do things that make us feel good. Perhaps binge watching our favourite television show, taking time for a walk outdoors and in nature, reading a chapter of our favourite book, or having a hot bubble bath. The goal is to tell ourselves that our well-bring is worth investing time in and that time for ourselves is non-negotiable.

The final step is to set goals. Visualize how we would like our life to be one year from now, five years on, and even ten years into the future. It is not self-indulgent to allow ourselves to dream and then to write down those goals for ourselves, so we become committed to attaining them. Remember, we do not need any external approval or permission from anyone to record our intentions. Have you always wanted to take a course or learn something new, travel to or immerse yourself in a different country or culture, learn a new hobby, activity, or just try something new? The sky is the limit to what you visualize for yourself.

The goal of self-care is to cultivate your internal happiness and well-being so that you feel whole and good about yourself. Our well-being should never be compromised by supporting others at the expense of ignoring ourselves. It is only when we love, respect, and take care and nurture our true and authentic selves through self-care, that we then can be selfless for others.

Forgiveness vs Anger

We all hold onto many hurts and grievances throughout our lives. We loath our self-centered ex-spouses who we caught cheating and lied about it. We dislike our untrustworthy relatives who we know have been constantly talking negatively about us to others and deny it when we confront them. We despise our arrogant bosses who have caused us to lose out on promotions, or possibly even to lose our jobs. And we really hate our greedy neighbours who are always borrowing our possessions and conveniently forgetting to return them. Are any of these people familiar to you, or perhaps you have personal examples of your own? We all have those people in our lives that have hurt us and continue to hurt us and that even the mention of their name, makes us cringe with anger.

Anger is that one emotion that causes us both physical and emotional pain. When we are in an angered state, our voices often get louder, our faces may become redder, and our hearts beat faster. Chronic anger raises our risk of developing mental health illnesses such as anxiety and depression. When we are in prolonged states of anger, we do not feel well physically and mentally.

When we are angry at an extended family member, for example, we either will avoid attending the family gathering and miss out on the positive social connection with our other loved ones, or we will be so consumed with worry and anxiety for much of the time leading up to the family gathering where we will be forced to have face to face contact with our unkind relative. So, what are our options for dealing with that type of situation, if neither avoidance nor feeling anxious are solutions for us?

The practice of forgiving is rarely a solution that comes immediately to our minds. In basic terms, forgiving means letting go of the built up hurt, anger, and other negative feelings towards the person who did something wrong or unjust to us. Forgiving takes time and requires us to process in many steps.

What is the first step in forgiving? Well, do not expect or wait for an apology from the person who hurt you. Chances are that person is oblivious to your feelings or just does not care. Remember your ex-husband, for example, who cheated on you and then ended up leaving you because you no longer fulfilled his needs? Your first step to forgiving him is accepting and coming to terms with the fact that forgiving him is about you and not about him. When we are finally able to acknowledge that we want to forgive, we will learn that it is a gift that we give to ourselves. Our motive for forgiving is for the purpose of helping ourselves to feel better.

The next step to forgiving is acknowledging how you are feeling. For example, if you are feeling lonely and displaced because your ex-husband left you and your marriage, then acknowledge that you are feeling heartbroken and very hurt that your whole life was turned upside down by your ex-husband’s actions of leaving.

Negative emotions such as hurt, and pain build up inside of us when we do not release them. The next step to forgiving is releasing and letting negative emotions pass naturally. When we are able to let go and release those negative feelings, we no longer block our hearts. Having an open heart allows us to feel all those positive emotions that we have not let in because they have been blocked by all of our built-up negative emotions that we have not yet released.

Releasing hurt and pain also allows us to change the narrative. For example, instead of saying my life ended when my ex left me, you now get to say that your new life began when your ex left you. You can go a step further and also now tell yourself and others that the dissolution of your marriage also revealed how strong you really are, and how much you are looking forward to finding real, true love.

I am by no means saying by forgiving someone that we are condoning their actions and behaviour. You never have to reconcile with the person who hurt you again, as that is not even a prerequisite. The trust may or may not be permanently broken, and you will need to work through whether you can ever trust that person again. By forgiving, you are no longer allowing the person who hurt you to have power over the way you feel. Releasing hurt and anger is what you do to make yourself feel better, sleep better, worry less, and feel less anxious. Feeling well and peaceful is the gift that you give yourself.
Remember, it is not your choice if someone wrongs or hurts you in life, but it is always your choice in how you deal with it. You can choose to stay angry and have bottled up negative emotions that block your heart, or you can choose to release your pain and anger and open your heart to make room for positive emotions such as peace, love, and joy. What will you choose? I know I am choosing forgiveness over anger.