Christiane Knight's Blog, page 8

2023: Reach For The Sky

First and foremost, Happy New Year to you, my readers and supporters – without you, I’d just be yelling into the void and listening to these voices in my head instead of writing their stories down to share! You are the reason for everything and I hope your year to come is filled with everything good and fulfilling.

Even before this time of the year – the annual musing on endings/beginnings days – got here, I’ve been thinking about what I want to change about how I’m living. It’s reflected in my Word of the Year, which is Embrace. I’ve been living a life with many restrictions since before the pandemic started, when I had my first emergency surgery and subsequently had my diagnosis of Crohn’s Disease. Basically, I was out of commission from the end of August 2019, then when started to get healed to the point where I was able to live a life again, everything went into lockdown. Surprise! Then my health began to spiral downwards again, so I wasn’t interested in doing much anyway.

Ironically, during this time I did write and publish two books, the first ones in the Eleriannan series. So despite being restricted, I continued to create and grow. However, 2022 has been the most challenging for me since the end of 2019. I was sick and miserable, unable to do much or feel safe in leaving the house for anything but short errands. In fact, the last time I did anything fun or challenging was when I was a vendor at the Baltimore Faerie Faire back in April. That was a blast, and I’m so glad I did it, because not long after my body went into a Crohn’s flare and there I stayed until my eventual surgery in September. Then there was the second surgery in November, and a recovery that’s felt like an uphill climb.

Finally, finally, I feel like myself again. Well, mostly? It’ll take time to regain stamina and strength, but I’m feeling re-energized and more alive than I have in ages. That bodes well for you as a reader, because I’m back to writing daily, making steady progress on Stories of the Eleriannan #3, which I’ll be talking about more in coming days! My writing schedule has been kinder and more in sync with my current abilities and energy levels.

I’m following your lead, Yoongi.

Back in August, I wrote a list of Reach For the Sky Big Achievements that I want to happen in my writing career. These are goals that the parts of my mind that are rational and nay-saying look at and just bust a gut laughing at my audacity. But you know what? I’m a huge believer that if you don’t put it out there, it won’t happen.
I think I’ve written about these goals somewhere in public before, but again, it hurts nothing to put them out there again. I mean, I’m sure some people will read this and also laugh at my audacity. It’s cool, go ahead! It is audacious, and that’s the point. If you don’t dream about a seemingly unreachable future, how can you even get halfway there?

So in no particular order, here is my List of Future Achievements:

published short stories that I’m paid forseveral bestsellers [by some unidentified metric]to be a panelist at cons [goals are Balticon, Nebula Conference, World Fantasy Con, Worldcon]to be a Guest of Honor at any of the aboveto win a Nebula and/or Hugoto run a writer’s class and be paid fairly for itto get 50+ positive ratings on each of my booksto have created a body of work

Reminder: I said these were reach for the sky. But that doesn’t mean they aren’t out of reach. The important thing, in my opinion, is to create goals that are HUGE and RIDICULOUS. Aim for things that seem impossible, then structure your plans so that every step in that direction brings growth. Even if you never make the big goals, you’ll have an amazing outcome.

And let me say this, because it’s important: this is what works for me. You don’t have to have goals like these, or goals at all! I am a very goal-driven person and I use manifestation energy to great success, but I know not everyone works like that. For every method there’s a bunch of people who do it differently, and it’s important to use what works for you.

So how do I plan to work toward these goals? I’ll be sharing my steps with lots of personal detail and insight over on my Ko-fi, in the Writer’s Life and Craft tier. Successes and failures included! I hope you’ll join me over there. Even the free tier often gets updates that I don’t post over here!

Do you have any “Impossible” goals? I’d love it if you’d share in the comments!

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2023 is the Year to Embrace

Every year I choose a word to represent everything I want to embody in the next 365 days. It’s a very personal choice that I share with my readers because one of my superpowers is vulnerability – and sometimes oversharing. If you know me, you know. This year, the word is Embrace.

Also if you know me, and in this sense I mean if you’ve been following me on any platform, you know that 2022 was pretty challenging for me. It’s been a year of setbacks and delays in both my professional and personal lives, with lots of enforced down time. For someone like me, not being able to create or produce is like torture. I just didn’t have the mental capacity or energy to follow through with anything important as I dealt with my increasingly bad health.

Now that I’m [hopefully, knock on wood] through this challenging phase and well into a healing and recovery one, I am looking forward to things that I’ve had to put aside or delay. I’m finally feeling like I can make some plans and fulfill some dreams. I want to begin again to live in an active, rather than passive, way.

Embrace is a noun and a verb

I always take my time to consider fully what the words that I’m considering as representation of my year mean in all definitions. I like nuanced words, words that are playful. Embrace is one of those words to me, as it encompasses a lot of variety in meaning.

The definitions that resonate the most with me, and that I want to add into my life are:

to clasp in the arms in affectionto accept something willinglyto form a ring or circle aroundto assimilate or incorporate into a body, structure, or systemto hold in one’s mind or imaginationto address or meet with expressions of friendliness or welcomeThe process or fact of being received as adequate, valid, or suitableLoving care and protection provided by someone or somethingDefinitions thanks to Word Hippo

Some of these things are actions I can personally take, and create within myself and my life. Others are ones I want to have happen to me, and I can facilitate making them happen by what I choose to pursue. They relate to my health, or my career, or relationships. I’ll do my best to use this word and its meanings to guide my life for the next year.

Do you choose a Word of the Year? If so, what’s yours for 2023?

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Dance: no language, just sound

I’m going to talk about dancing, because I haven’t done that here yet and I’ve loved dancing just as long as I’ve loved music/singing and writing, which is to say pretty much my entire life.

CW: talk about disordered eating and exercising

My love of dance is one of the things that’s shaped me. And dancing and music are important in my Eleriannan stories, though I haven’t written one that focuses directly on dancing. [yet!]

I started ballet along with tap and jazz in elementary school, like a lot of AFAB kids in the US do. We were pretty poor but Mom knew I dreamed of being a ballerina, so she did her best to get me classes, at least until she got too busy with work to take me and pick me up.

I was able to do at least one recital before I stopped going to dance classes. But I continued to practice, doing my barre and floor warmups anywhere I could. I made up my own routines and would often stay up late dancing in my room when I should be asleep.

Later, in high school, I fell in with the theater people and that became my life.

We had an unofficial dance troupe and would dance at talent shows, school dances, or in random places. By the way, this is where I got over my fear of being in front of a crowd. [I have a whole another thread I could write about my time with the Thespian Society and the theater group and how that shaped me.]

Somewhere in here, lost to time and foggy brain cells, is when I was told in no uncertain terms that I would never be a professional dancer, especially a ballerina. I wasn’t tall and thin. I had great poise and technique but I was getting too busty.

I started exercising and stretching and dancing all the time. I didn’t eat enough. I went to college for theater and minored in dance and worked out constantly – weight lifting and swimming added to everything else – and I hated the food and I was depressed, so I ate even less. I dropped weight and I still wasn’t thin enough. *

In my beginner ballet class, which was my only path for getting ballet for college credits, my teacher praised me for my “good feet” and positions and control and asked if I’d danced before. Heh.

My modern dance teacher liked my fearlessness and technique.

Photo by Olivia Bauso on Unsplash

Aside: I was majoring in theater. I eventually dropped out because the theater department wouldn’t cast me in anything – not because I lacked skill, but because I dyed my hair and shaved the sides and OMG I wasn’t leading lady material anymore. To which I replied, “I didn’t want those roles anyway, I like character roles. And haven’t you heard of WIGS?” Seriously, what the hell.

So I dropped out, and for a while my life was turbulent and I didn’t dance much. I starved, and I got too thin, which still wouldn’t have been thin enough to be a ballerina, ironically. And then I started going to clubs that played goth music and alternative college music and I started dancing for fun again. I would dance all night, using all the skills I knew to express the music. It was so freeing! No routines, just the music and my body and the flashing lights and atmosphere. Everyone else around me, doing the same thing. It was heaven.

I never did dance with an organized group again.

I continued going to goth clubs, and eventually I became a DJ and ran a night and would often be one of the first people on the dance floor, encouraging others to get out there and move. I like goth clubs. Sure, there are elitists – there are in any scene. But in general, they’re a great equalizer. Anyone can get out there and dance, and you don’t have to be good at it to enjoy it. No one cares. I’ve seen amazing dancers and ones who just do what I call the gothic two-step [you know, one to the right, then back to the left] or just sway to the tunes. It’s all great! Some people get aggressive, others swirl around. Some are really built and fit and often will show off their bodies in their moves on the floor. Others are curvy or rounder or very thin and they also get out there and move to the music and it’s beautiful every time. Speaking as both a dancer and a DJ, there’s nothing more entrancing to watch than a dance floor full of every type of body and style, all moving together yet in their own worlds.

Before I knew I had Crohn’s, my weight started fluctuating wildly and I didn’t know why. I danced every weekend and walked everywhere, it didn’t make sense. But my family has this extra-curvy body type, so I figured it was just fate. I didn’t link my gastric problems to that at all. Despite having lots of issues, I still was walking long distances and dancing all night. Even up to the day I had to rush to the ER with my bowel perforation, I had been going to the gym to work out regularly and dancing all the time.

After that surgery, things got harder.

I couldn’t bend properly at my waist for a long time. When I say properly, I mean freely, without having to think about the movement and what I might mess up internally – stitches, a surgical hernia. It sucked. I couldn’t lift anything heavier than 10lbs either, and I had no stamina.

Eventually I started doing barre exercises in the kitchen again [that’s my favorite place to do those – a kitchen counter makes a great barre] and slowly regaining my stamina. I started doing “tiny little goth club” sessions in my bedroom late at night, with disco lights and everything. I’m sure my neighbors were confused by the flashing lights coming from my window!

And then, just recently… two more surgeries. I was back to limited bending and no stamina again. I’ve *just* started feeling like I can dance and bend, even though I’m actually still healing the surgical wound. My disease makes healing slow, but I can’t stop dancing. At this point I’m almost 56, chubby, with creaky dancer’s knees and a chronic illness that gives me extra inflammation and fluctuating weight.

I’m not letting that stop me. Movement to music is in my blood, in my soul.

I’ll always be a dancer, no matter what anyone else thinks. No one can take that from me.

* The incessant starving/overexercising certainly didn’t help my Crohn’s, either. I’ve suffered through disordered eating most of my life and it definitely affected my body in ways I’ll never recover from. Don’t do it, y’all.ps – title comes from lyrics to Transmission by Joy Division

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A Big Why for 2023

I’ve been writing this post about writing stories with hope, and I was about a third of the way through when I stalled out. It isn’t that I don’t have a lot to say about writing hopeful stories, or why I think we need them. It’s just that something more personally important to me took over my brain and insisted that I write about it first. Okay, brain, you win.

I’ve been thinking about the Big Why, as in “Why do you do X thing?” aka “What’s your motivation?” It’s been on my mind for a while, actually, combined with thoughts about legacy and how much fame is enough. It’s all entwined together in my thoughts, so I’ve been pulling at the threads.

I’ll be 56 at the end of the year. Even though I don’t feel old, creeping time and a body dealing with chronic illness have really brought those thoughts to the forefront. A brush with death will really make you question what you’re doing with your life! In my case, I’ve been considering the path I’ve taken and what I want to achieve with it. It comes down to three big questions:

What have I done?Where am I going?What will I leave behind?What I’ve done [so far]

I can’t be mad at the list of things I’ve done so far. It isn’t “distinguished” or “laudable” I suppose, but I managed to achieve so many things I always wanted to do.

I’ve got the ridiculous job list of: performer, musician, DJ [both club and radio], fiber artist, small business owner, writer, teacher of arts, professional cook, barista and coffee roaster, office manager, restaurant manager, occult bookstore/botánica manager, boutique manager, and for a short while… clown. Some of those jobs were things I’d dreamed about doing, like being a DJ and singing in a band.

If you’ve read my books you’ll see many of these jobs come up as things the supporting characters do for a living. Food service in particular is a forgiving occupation and perfect for those who might be considered outsiders. Bar/club jobs, too. They allow musicians, writers, and other creatives a way to make a living, because creative pursuits aren’t generally lucrative until you reach the big time, and sometimes not even then. Those jobs allowed me to pay bills and also look the way I wanted to look, with brightly dyed hair and piercings. These days it’s more accepted, but I had a lot of rejections back in the day thanks to my style alone. As that was something that brought me joy, I didn’t compromise, and found ways to make it work. Those values show up in my characters, too. They believe in who they are and how they want to be seen in the world.

Now I write full time, and I share the stories with the world that I’ve been creating since I knew what a story was. I am not a well-known writer, though I’m making strides in getting my name out there. There are a lot of other writers out there, and although I don’t look at any other creative as competition but rather as a colleague, it does make it a little harder to be seen and noticed. I know that it takes time and hard work to establish oneself. But I do worry that I’ll never get the readership that I’ve dreamed of having. It takes so much labor to get one’s books seen and picked up by anyone!

Where am I going?

Here’s part of what’s been kicking around my brain: what do I expect from this, from being an author? The concept of fame and what it gives – and its toll – have been something I’ve thought deeply about.* I am quite far from being famous right now, and maybe it’s presumptuous of me to even think about being well known in the SFF world, or any other world. I don’t want fame as much as knowing that there are enough people out there enjoying my work that I’ll know that I left at least the smallest ripple on the water. It’s an “I was here, dammit!” but also a “I felt this, and if you did too, I wrote things that will make you feel less alone – did you find them?”

I can’t control how my legacy is finalized. But I can keep doing the things that I do best, and I can keep trying to improve on them. I can continue to share my words and thoughts and encourage others who want to follow the same path that I’m on. I can pay attention to the world around me, especially the parts that are different from the ones I’ve experienced, and talk about them in my stories, and in social media. I can contribute money and time and words to the causes that I think need me.
It’s not any different than what I’m already doing, though.

What else? I can keep making connections. I can do my best to educate myself, both in honing my craft and how to connect better on behalf of my works. I can keep working to make myself a better person. I can keep building community by sharing what I’ve learned and by lifting other creatives up, especially those with less privilege than me. I can continue to be open, honest, and vulnerable about my struggles and triumphs. I can try to keep myself positively focused, even when things are a struggle.

In my dreams, I want to have written books that are widely read, the kind that somehow win prizes and acclaim and get my name in the conversations with other authors with the same kind of themes and goals. I’d like to sit on panels about kind stories and the power of hope in SFF and bringing magic into urban landscapes that aren’t all gentrified. I want to attend more conventions and other events [health willing, of course] and feel like I actually have a peer group and that I belong there. Some of these goals I can’t control, but there are enough here that I can actually put effort into manifesting. Let’s see what the future holds, shall we?

What will I leave behind?

That’s the big question, the one I can’t answer. Will I be forgotten? Will my stories disappear? Will my legacy be a moderately infamous small goth club night that happened during the late 90s/early 00s in Central VA, and some remnants of my personal musical taste that linger? Or will I be able to leave something more lasting and [hopefully] more impactful?

In some ways, I guess it’s none of my business. I won’t be here to take joy in what people say after I’m gone, so I’d better focus on what I do now.

I promise that I’ll always be open and honest with you, reader. Maybe [probably] oversharing at times, because I have a policy of showing the lows and the highs equally. I’ve had a lot of people tell me that it’s helped them, to see their struggles mirrored in what I share. Maybe that’s my legacy. I don’t know. Maybe a legacy really doesn’t matter if I help someone now.

* I wanted to share the new track from RM’s latest, Indigo, here. It’s called 들꽃놀이 [Wild Flower] and the lyrics are deeply personal and talk about fame and the toll it takes. I’ve probably cried over it a hundred times since it released a couple of days ago.

Even before the start, I imagined
An end where I could applaud and smile
That’s what I wishеd for
When everything I bеlieved in grew distant
When all this fame turned into shackles
Please take my desire away from me
No matter what it takes
Oh, let me be myself

들꽃놀이 Wild Flower, RM

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NaNoWriMo Check-In on Day Eight

I like being honest with my readers, so here it is:

Dear Readers, NaNo is a real struggle this year.

It’s not that I don’t have the words or plot. When I can focus on writing, everything has been flowing just fine. I’m actually excited about the current plot twist! There are new and unexpected characters appearing! Something just showed up in the story that everyone is going to want for themselves! I’ve even been dreaming about the story again, which means my brain in fully invested in this tale.

It’s the body that betrays me, as usual. And it’s okay. I expected it would be a struggle, you know. I’m recovering from a major surgery for a disease that is notorious for being difficult even at the best of times. Crohn’s loves anxiety and changes in routine, and flares are well-known for happening before big, exciting events. I’m not flaring, thankfully, but I’m still healing and readjusting from a surgery that changed my internal routine – as well as leaving me with a difficult-to-heal wound – so I have wisely kept my expectations low.

And that’s what I’m writing about today for you, actually! I want to remind you that you should be kind to yourself, even if you have set goals and you’re struggling to meet them. I love goals, I’m very goal driven when it comes to success. But goals are a guide when it comes to things like writing. Be realistic with yourself, and keep in mind that NaNoWriMo isn’t a deadline. And this advice carries over to any creative pursuit, okay? Creativity often struggles when deadlines are involved. Don’t be so strict with yourself that you make something that should bring you joy and fulfillment into a chore, a “must-do.” That’s not conducive to success or a happy outcome.

For me, the point of NaNoWriMo is to gently challenge myself, not force myself into doing something I love.

I’ve written almost every day this month, with the exception of a couple of days where I was too ill. That’s a WIN for me! I haven’t written anything since before my operation in September! That’s a healthy goal, and a reasonable outlook.

If your creative goals make you unhappy, please take a second to look at them and think about what a more healthy goal would look like for you.

You might find that you’ll be more successful than you ever expected!

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Getting ready for NaNoWriMo 2022

[Some of these links are affiliate links. What that means is that I am referring you because I like and use this item, and I’ll get a little bit of cash for recommending it, which supports me and my work. Everyone wins!]

It’s almost Samhain/Halloween, and that means that National Novel Writing Month is just around the corner!

You probably know by now that I’m a big proponent of NaNoWriMo, and even used it to write large chunks of my published books. I am very much goal and gamification driven, and the idea of writing 50,000 words in a month with a community and getting cute badges on my profile page as I hit my goals is very compelling for me.

I know it’s not for everyone! Some folks feel pressure in the wrong way for them to try and put out a set amount of words in a month. Luckily, NaNoWriMo is YOU driven, and that means you can make your own rules. Example: I’m actually working on the same novel this year that I was last year. That means I’m coming into the month with a plotline and characters established and about 25,000 words down in Scrivener. I’m still going to try for 50,000 more, but if I don’t make it, I’m not going to beat myself up over it! Here’s why:

IF ANY WORDS GET WRITTEN THAT MEANS THAT I’M A WINNER. That applies to YOU, too.

So don’t get hung up on the “big official” goal. Set your own – if you want! – and join in. Or don’t, and cheer those of us on who enjoy this sort of challenge!

My Scrivener cards for NaNoWriMo 2022

I previously listed out some of the tools that I like and use, and how I use them, but I wanted to give you an updated version of that post for this year. Most things are the same, but I have some new insights and experiences after publishing two books using these methods, and I wanted to share!

Scrivener is my #1 way to write my manuscripts now. I like the functionality of the program, which works really well with my organization style. There are plenty of templates, including specific ones for NaNoWriMo! I can see what each chapter has at a glance, and the character sketch template is really helpful. It will also compile your manuscript in a bunch of different ways/styles easily.

I also edit using Scrivener, but usually in conjunction with Google Docs. The reason for that is the editors I’ve worked with usually prefer that method as they can leave notes and we can correspond through them. I make the corrections in a copy of my manuscript in Scrivener. [Usually I end up with a LOT of versions of the work in progress, and yes, I do keep them all!]
I also do all my own editing and revision in Scrivener.

Here’s a shot of what it looks like inside a scene in Scrivener. This is a little sneak peek for you, too!

When it comes to the writing process, I have a couple of websites I find invaluable. One is Word Hippo, which is a thesaurus/dictionary but also helps when you need to find words or rhymes, or aren’t sure how to pronounce something. I use this site constantly. Slick Write is another website I lean on heavily. You can check your grammar in seconds, for free, and get suggestions on how to improve it. Obvious this won’t replace an editor, but it is a great way to get your words ready for a professional editor, which will save you both time and probably you some money. Also, it is never a bad thing to learn how to tighten up your writing!

I want to give a special mention to Writing With Color, a Tumblr blog that is dedicated to writing and resources centered on racial, ethnic and religious diversity. The suggestions and discussions here are extremely helpful! Just the page on skin tone descriptions alone could be a creative writing course all by itself. I highly suggest taking the time to go through the posts here, you’ll learn a lot no matter who you are or what your background is.

Need to create a language for your Fantasy world? Vulgar is what you want.

This year’s Trello board, all neat and organized!

I’ve mentioned Trello before, too. I use it frequently for many aspects of my life, but the way it helps me keep organized in my writing is why I recommend it to everyone. I keep all the details that I need at my fingertips there, including my story outline, character and location details, music lists, and things like plot devices.
I also keep all my pertinent links for promotion as well as my blurbs and other texts there. It keeps everything organized and there’s even a record of every change I make there, which is the kind of recordkeeping I love.
If you decide to try out Trello and want some help setting it up for your books, let me know!

Photo: Mike ErskineI don’t wanna do this alone!

I get this so much! Community is my jam and the writing community is a fantastic place to get support and inspiration. There are a lot of great writing groups and support out there, so I’m just going to mention a couple here.

First up are the forums and regional groups right on the NaNoWriMo site! You can find a group here on almost any topic. Whether you’re trying to decide if you’re a planner or pantser, or you want feedback on your writing, you’ll find a post or group. You can also connect with local groups and do things like write-ins in person!

I have a group on Facebook called Magic, Music, Mayhem where I’m building support and insightful community for writers. During the month of November I’ll be doing some writing sprints there and posting lots of inspirational words to get us all fired up!

Mayyyyy…..beeee….. maybe you don’t think you can do this without heavy-duty support? Or maybe you think you’d rather write on a different schedule than 50,000 words in a month, with someone to coach you along and provide a community of other people just like you? You might be looking for Caitlin Fisher’s Working Title Writing Incubator!

If you want structure that isn’t TOO structured, guidance instead of must-dos, deep insight that will lead you to genuine successes – Caitlin is who you’ve been looking for.

Caitlin Liz Fisher is an anti-capitalist coach for neurodivergent, disabled, and queer creatives finding the courage to prioritize their passions. They focus on helping clients navigate the “brain bullshit” (including imposter syndrome and whatever your mother would think) to help you go for the thing that truly brings you joy. If this sounds like what you’re looking for, I recommend checking out Working Title Writing Incubator.

So what about it? Do you have an idea for a story?
Even if you don’t, you can to read mine [yay!] and follow my progress as I work on A Third Kind of Madness. Before I sign off to do all the last minute NaNoWriMo prep, want to see my fun cover image placeholder? This looks nothing like what the finished cover will look like, but I love doing these placeholders so much!

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These people? Oh, they’re all me.

People tell you to write what you know. It’s one of the most common pieces of advice to aspiring writers.

And it works: when you put down words that are based in your lived experience, they ring true. They are solid, trustworthy, something understandable by most readers. It’s why autobiographical books from famous people often do well. Readers want to feel what it was like to live that life, be involved in those moments, understand the parts of the story that weren’t shared with the general public at the time. Maybe it’s a voyeuristic compulsion, I don’t know. Maybe it’s just curiosity.

As a writer who skews towards fiction — fantasy fiction, at that — it’s on me to create characters that are interesting, realistic, and relatable. I also have to build plots that are compelling and full of depth and good storytelling, and that includes plotlines and devices that readers can get behind and believe in, even in that fantasy world.

That’s where my experiences, quirks, obsessions, and history come into play. As a writer, I take bits and pieces of what I’ve lived and observed, who I am and have been, and people I’ve known or encountered, and I turn all of that into parts of my stories. I’ve had friends ask me things like “So… Sousa. He’s based on ______, right?” or “Club Marcada is totally _____! I recognized it right away!” I’ve had other people tell me that different characters or scenes remind them of people or places that I don’t know, but they feel familiar and comfortable to them.

What’s funny about that, and also awesome? That readers can see bits of their lives in these books, in these stories that came wholly out of my head. And yet the people and places are all also influenced by people and places that I’ve known and experienced, as well as bits from me directly. It feely surprisingly universal in some aspects.

Photo by Gift Habeshaw on Unsplash

Because people ask, I’ll tell you a few “secrets” about the characters and some details in my books that come directly from me or my life.
I write about music and musicians convincingly because I am a musician and DJ. I spent time performing as well as running a club night with live music, so all the details are quite familiar to me.
Lucee’s impostor syndrome is 100% reflective of my own. The frustration that Cullen feels watching Lucee struggle with this is also drawn directly from my own experience.
Club Marcada is based on a real club that I used to patronize and DJ in as well. Some details have been changed but the feel is 100% accurate and represents my love for tiny bars/clubs that are keeping the independent music scene alive.
Descriptions of Emmaline’s illness come from my own experiences, especially the crushing fatigue she deals with.
Sousa’s and Sheridan’s characters both have some aspects from people I have known, and yes they were that funny and drunkenly ridiculous at times. The parties at House Mirabilis are also based on real parties I’ve attended. Yes, Fae weirdness included.

Most importantly, though — all the characters, every single one, has bits of me in them. Vali’s undying optimism, Merrick’s adaptability, Morgance’s fierceness, Cullen’s vulnerableness… I even gave part of me to Camlin, though I’m not giving that away here either. You’ll have to find me at event and ask me about that, I guess!

So yes, write what you know. Don’t be afraid to put you and your knowledge all throughout your stories. People will feel it, and will connect with it. I promise.

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It Shall Pass 지나가

There’s a lot about my personal life that I haven’t shared on this platform before, but I think it might be time to change that. I’m sorry, this is probably going to be long.

I’m not difficult to know, not at all. If you follow me on Facebook or Twitter you’ll see that my self-claimed title of “exuberant oversharer” is well-deserved. I don’t steer away from uncomfortable subjects, especially when it comes to myself. I’m a firm believer in normalizing difficult or awkward topics, so I am open and honest. That’s a tricky path to walk as a semi-public figure, let me tell you.

One thing I’ve been increasingly forthright about is my health and specifically, what it’s like for me to live with Crohn’s Disease. I specify “for me” because everyone’s experience varies, of course. I’ve mentioned that some of the events I’d planned to attend fell through for me, and I think I’ve also talked about how writing the current WIP has slowed down because of my Crohn’s as well. The truth is that I’ve been miserably sick, which I hate to admit because I despise feeling weak or unable to do the things I love. But it’s the truth, and I think it’s important to acknowledge it.

Forgive me if I tell you things that you already know here, but for those who don’t know about Crohn’s, here’s a rundown of what it’s about. It ain’t sexy by a long shot, but this is something that needs to be normalized talking about as well!

Crohn’s Disease is a type of Inflammatory Bowel Disease. What that means is that my immune system thinks that parts of my digestive tract are Bad Guys and goes after them like misguided little superheroes. That has led to a lifetime of undiagnosed pain and issues which finally got a name when it all unexpectedly went to hell about three years ago.

I had a sudden trip to the ER, a surprise surgery to put my busted guts back together, and a long recovery that included 11 days total in the hospital and an extended, unpleasant infection that I learned to take care of myself. GOOD TIMES, right?

It took about a year to get an official diagnosis and some treatment. That’s pretty normal, and terribly frustrating for the person waiting on that diagnosis. Medications for Crohn’s are in a couple of different classes, and approach treating the disease through different paths. I went on a two-medication approach that included a biologic. For a while, that made things better — not resolved, I didn’t go into remission — but it was tolerable, mostly.

Then I failed out of the meds I was using. What that means is that they were obviously not doing the job anymore, and my doctor and I could see that things were getting worse.

I should mention that these drugs are SO GODDAMN EXPENSIVE. If I didn’t have the coverage that I have [thanks Obama] I would be paying thousands of dollars for *each* treatment. The drug I’ve recently been moved to has an average retail price, without insurance/coupons/etc, of $4600 a dose. Why so much? There’s no generic for this one as of now. Guess who didn’t like that at all? My insurance. I had come off the previous prescriptions in order to get my body ready for the new meds, and then my insurance started dragging their feet. That went on for months, which allowed my Crohn’s to ramp back up in that unmedicated gap. I have an entire rant about insurance and pharmaceutical companies having so much power, but I’ll save that for another time.

The State of Me right now is that I started the new meds, and then about a week before my first self-administered shot, I started feeling weird. I quickly determined that I had a flare coming on, and it was going to be a doozy. A flare for me means lots of lower quadrant bowel pain – right around where I originally had my resection – fatigue, and uncomfortable bathroom issues. This time I also was having chills, and then an inability to eat much. I started dropping weight rapidly, and I was frantic trying to find things to consume that would keep me going and staying functional.

“Everyday I pray

내가 좀 더 나은 어른이 될 수 있게

that I can be a little better grownup

And everyday I stay

사람도 아픔도 언젠가는 죽기에

Because all humans and all the pains eventually die

무뎌지려면 바람을 맞아야 하잖아

We have to face the wind to become numb

꿈 속에서는 영원할 수가 없잖아

Nothing can last forever in the dream

힘내란 뿌연 말 대신

Instead of those vague words to cheer me up, 

다 그렇다는 거짓말 대신

instead of those lies that this is how it is supposed to be,

그저 이 모든 바람 바람처럼 지나가길 I pray

I pray that it shall pass just like all these winds”

– RM/Kim Namjoon, “지나가 Everythinggoes”

What happened after that was a CT scan and then a five day hospital stay to get rid of and infection in that area. And now I have a plan to have a second resection, this time to hopefully eliminate the stricture and possible fistula that formed after surgery #1.

Most people who have Crohn’s and have a resection surgery will end up with another. In my case, it was an emergency resection thanks to a catastrophic situation, and that made everything more complicated. I’m honestly lucky to be alive.

All that said, it still is extremely frustrating to be hampered by my illness. I wrote ISYK and CASOD while I was in a good period of health, and they went pretty quickly. The current manuscript is in a holding pattern right now because I barely have enough energy and brains to get through a day while sitting on my couch and staring at the computer, much less trying to focus on a plotline and put the words to the screen. It’s also extremely depressing to be in this state, which does nothing for my creativity. But as Kim Namjoon sings, 지나가. It shall pass.

I’ll have my creativity back, and my energy. I’m a determined and focused person, I know I can do this. Hell, I can’t write a book right now, but I’m learning Korean! I can’t walk for extended distances, but I can freestyle in one spot in my kitchen. [No, I won’t post videos of that!] And I can try to keep in contact with all of you and let you know what happens in my life.

Everything, everything, everything goes.

ps – this is a song that’s given me immeasurable amounts of strength during the past days, so I wanted to share it with you.

Translation thanks to Doolset

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a small poetry break

My heart is too small
to traverse the abyss
between us

the silence grows apace.

– Christiane Knight, 20170630

…found this in my archives today and thought that I’d share it while I work on an actual update. I do have some content headed your way, everything just moves slower in this season. Stay tuned!

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Trusting The Struggle

When the writing fights back…

It’s not writer’s block that gets me. I always have words and stories! It’s when a particular story takes a hiatus unexpectedly that I find myself struggling.

What do I mean by “hiatus” you might ask? Well, let me tell you about what’s been happening lately and share some tips with you while I’m at it, in case this happens to you.

For me, stories come on their own time.

Some writers can push through blocks or pauses in the writing process. I am not one of them, and I don’t think that’s a healthy approach for me anyway. A pause is when the story stops rolling out of my brain and through my fingertips onto the screen for a short period. It isn’t the same as a block–where nothing will come and it feels like a scramble to find any words at all–it’s more like needing to hit the pause button on a video while I take a bio or snack break. Except in this case I’m not the one hitting the pause button, it’s the story itself.

It’s like the story needs to gather itself together before we can go on telling it.

When the story is ready again, the words will start to flow as if nothing ever happened. It’s pretty magical, honestly. I’ve talked before about how my characters come to me already fully realized and with their own personalities and agendas. I don’t have control over them, I swear. They bust in and do what they want! The stories themselves are much the same way. I control how the words come out, and I have plot ideas and places I want the characters to go. But once things start, I often feel like I’m along for the ride while the story spills out with no regard to what I planned on or wanted.

[Yes, realistically I know that I’m responsible for the whole shebang. I’m not channeling some great Spirit of Storytelling or something. Or am I?]

Photo by Issara Willenskomer on UnsplashSo what to do when this happens?

The truth of it for me is that I can’t force the writing. That just pisses me off because nothing comes out right. I’ll just end up ditching all of it. But I can work on other things in the meantime. What that means is that my brain is still engaging with my creative centers, and I can let the other story sit in the background and marinate in possibility until it’s ready to re-engage with me.

What that means is that I’ve had TWO stories I’ve been working on. The secondary one is just for me right now; I may or may not release it to the public at some point. I’m just writing it for the sheer joy of interacting with the characters and the plot. That’s what I mean when I say I’m not blocked, by the way. I have no end of tales to tell and words to string together.

Other ways I handle a pause in a story flow:

immerse myself in another different creative activitydo something physical like dancing or walkingwork on social media and blog postsgo on an Artist’s Date *take a break and pamper myself for a few days

In my current case, the break has been for an extended time, so I’ve indulged in several of these tactics!

The biggest piece of advice I can offer is try not to panic. I know that it can feel scary and overwhelming to have your writing just shut off like that, but trust the struggle and your skills and know that this is a learning process as a writer. Stories can have their own schedule and not everyone can force themselves through a lapse in writing. It’s okay. You’ll get to the other side.

I linked to it above, but I can’t recommend The Artist’s Way by Julia Cameron * enough for times like this. She’ll give you even better tools and advice than I just did!

Psst – did you notice that the working title for the WIP is A Third Kind of Madness? You can follow my progress by watching my updates bar in the sidebar of the main blog page! *Some of the links in this post are affiliate links. This means if you click on the link and purchase the item, I will receive an affiliate commission at no extra cost to you.

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