Cady North's Blog, page 2

Cady North Interviewed on the Bossed Up Podcast

In the latest episode of the BossedUp Podcast, Emilie Aries about how to stop surviving and start thriving. We cover everything from the steps you can take to overcome adversity, make big changes, and propel yourself forward to success with resiliency.  A big theme of the episode is embracing curiosity. Give the episode a listen.

How to Combat Self Doubt

We all struggle with self image issues, self doubt, and feelings that we are not good enough. Sometimes self doubt can prevent us from trying to push toward our biggest dreams. That’s part of the reason I wrote The Resiliency Effect.

The problem with self-doubt is, it usually doesn’t matter how often we hear we’re smart or successful or great at what we do from our loved ones, our colleagues, our peers and our bosses. Self doubt persists.

One reason it crops up is because it’s human nature to compare ourselves to others.

It can also be left over from experiences we had as children or young adults.

Sometimes when we aren’t nourishing ourselves or are feeling burned out it’s easy for us to give into feelings that we’re not so good or right or smart. This can be especially bad in corporate environments.

If we stay in our own heads this can run rampant.

As humans, we have a negativity bias. It’s not learned: it’s inherent, and it’s even been found to exist among babies less than a year old. When comparing negative thoughts or things that have happened to us with positive thoughts and events, we both remember and place more weight on the negative.  

It takes work to “undo” negative thoughts. Oftentimes, we have to unlearn this habit because it’s a coping mechanism designed to protect us. Evolutionarily, it was more important to remember where the bear lived because that increased our chance of survival. In fact, for every negative thought we have (about ourselves or others) we need five positive thoughts to undo the effects of the negative. This was first discovered by John Gottman as applied to marriage conflict, but I think it works for starting to overcome our own limiting beliefs about ourselves as well.  

We have to be aware of these things that we have taken on, and beliefs about ourselves, that are just not true.

I definitely see it in the corporate world. I have not coached a woman yet coming out of a corporate job and starting her own business, that didn’t relate to me in one way or another, that she had issues around confidence around the ability around being good enough or smart enough to run a business. This is just extremely common because our world is still so focused on output, results, and achievement which drives us to push too much and burnout. This is not at all conducive to deep creative problem solving.

Knowing how common it is, what can you do when self-doubt strikes? Here are two ideas to try:

Set up weekly wins:

I had a lot of success when I first started my business sending myself a “weekly wins” email every Friday. It serves two purposes: 1) to keep tabs on everything I did that week that moved the needle, and 2) to remind my brain to do a little celebration for all the things that went right this week.

Once you get into the habit, you’ll find that you begin to recall more of the good things happening instead of getting wrapped up in all the might be going wrong. Even the littlest thing can serve as a “win” you can tout for yourself. Making the perfect cup of coffee, ending work on time 5 days straight, finishing a section of a project. Get creative!

I even apply it outside my own business. When I participate in study groups of other financial advisors, I request that we each share three wins and only one loss when we meet so that we try to focus more on the good things. Try suggesting it during your next meeting / status update at work and see how much more cheery people are.

Affirmations:

A well-designed affirmation can help fix the ratio of negative thoughts and help us work through being uncomfortable as we explore getting vulnerable about the reasons we’re fueled by overwork, burnout and perfection. A tool I use and teach to others is how to design good affirmations.

When we first start writing affirmations we may use tentative language (such as “I can, I may, or I will”) or take great strides to create an affirmation about how we will avoid something destructive or depleting to us. I’d encourage you to take the time to tweak your affirmations so that they put your brain in a place of acting “as if” you’ve already experienced the desired result. Avoid using negative words and make sure you’re sending your brain the right signals. Avoid using phrases like “I won’t” or “I don’t.” Here’s a read out from my actual client sessions where we tweaked affirmations:

You said: I don’t want to build other people’s dreams. I want to support that, but I don’t necessarily need to put other’s goals above what mine are. A better affirmation might be: “I’m working to build the awesome life that I’ve dreamed for myself”You said finding a job “is going to be hard and going to take time”A better affirmation might be: “The perfect job that meets all my qualifications is out there, and I’m actively searching to find it.”You said, “I typically charge what people can pay, honestly.” A better affirmation might be, “I work with the right kind of client who sees the value in my standard fee.”You said, “I want to have more cash to spend on fun stuff for me too.”A better affirmation might be, “I’m worth making the salary that allows me to live all my biggest goals.” 

Here are some real affirmations that I have used in my own personal life which help me let go of some of my perfection. I often pull out my list of affirmations and either read them or say them to myself when I take a walk. Notice you could put tentative language like, “I can,” “I may,“ or “I will” in front of many of these, but it’s more powerful if you tell your brain that you are already doing these things by leaving out the tentative words can, may, or will. 

It’s OK to make mistakes, hear criticism and growI treat myself gentlyI distinguish with wisdom and clarity my past emotional reactions from my current emotional responseI deserve stabilityI am open to considering a range of ways to be or see a situationToday I am enoughI ask for help when I need it

I consider using affirmations to be an integral part of my self-care. When I say them and mean it, it helps me remember to take care of myself and actively works against my default position which used to be runaway overachievement and perfection. It may feel hokey to say such things to yourself, especially if you’re in a place where you’re hurting, but it’s made a huge difference in my life.  

I will warn you, there’s always a period of time initially where an “inner critic” voice in your brain immediately tells you this isn’t true/right. But that’s the point of saying and repeating these. The more we repeat, the more that voice of disbelief quiets down.  

Many of these techniques we acquire while we’re focusing on our inner journey can help us in unexpected ways. They can help increase our resilience against future adversity, help us see patterns, and make us more creative problem solvers.

A Beginner’s Guide to Imposter Syndrome

As I was getting my small business ramped up in 2015, I came across a podcast featuring Carl Richards, a well-respected financial advisor, author, and thought leader on the intersection of finances and human behavior. He’s known as the “Sketch Guy” because he creates simple, easy-to-understand sketches on the backs of napkins. During the podcast, Richards shared how he ended up with a weekly column in The New York Times.  It was simple. A reporter emailed, “Hey, I love these [sketches]. Will you do them for us?” 

But Richards’ reaction wasn’t what I expected. He said he worried about people’s opinions and wondered how he could consistently generate good content. He explained his paralyzing fear, adding, “I could feel how close I was to not doing it.” But he said yes and decided to figure out the “how” later.

Let’s put that into context. He was already a well-known columnist and the author of two books. Yet still, he had self-doubt. “I don’t know that I can take much credit for [being chosen], to be honest,” he said. He described his fears around success: “the fear of rejection, fear of failure, and the fear of laughter—like people are going to look at it and judge it.”

I was floored. Here was a man who snagged more than $25,000 for keynote speeches talking about how he still struggles with imposter syndrome. I thought to myself, “You mean, men feel this way too? Highly successful, well-respected men get the feelings that, despite their success and achievements, they might not deserve it?”  

I had never heard a man in my own industry talk about struggles like this—struggles I quietly dealt with all the time. I wanted to know why imposter syndrome strikes and how to deal with it.  

Imposter syndrome—feeling doubts about myself despite outward success or achievement—typically hits me immediately after or leading up to a big career achievement. I also have trouble accepting compliments from others about my work. I am quick to dismiss or diminish the good things people say about me.

Because I’m afraid people will see it as a weakness or prove I don’t know what I’m talking about, I have been reticent to share too many personal details or struggles from my life publicly. Imposter syndrome has even struck while writing my book, The Resiliency Effect. I have thoughts like, “Haven’t others already written about this? What do I have to offer that’s any different? What makes me so special?” 

How Could SHE Feel Like an Imposter? 

But get this: even the most successful people feel this way. Michelle Obama. Elizabeth Gilbert, the author of Eat, Pray, Love. The Sketch Guy. Even you, I bet.

While giving a 2018 speech in the UK during her book tour for Becoming, Michelle Obama said, “I still have a little bit of imposter syndrome that goes on. It never goes away . . . that feeling of, ‘I don’t know if you should take me that seriously . . . What do I know?’” She said she sometimes wondered, “Am I good enough to have all this? Am I good enough to be the first lady of the United States?”

Obama acknowledged that sometimes it’s good to remind ourselves that we all have doubts in our abilities, or about our power and what that power is, and that’s okay. It’s normal.

“I still feel like I have something to prove because of the color of my skin, because of the shape of my body, because who knows how people are judging me,” she said.

Having the courage to share her fear of letting her guard down allowed me, and I’m sure all those who have heard her speak, to realize we’re not alone in this.   

Another example, Elizabeth Gilbert, had worldwide success after the publication of Eat, Pray, Love, which was turned into a movie starring Julia Roberts. But in a 2014 TED Talk, Gilbert discussed the dread she felt trying to work on a second novel, saying that the thought of not being accepted was debilitating. (The book later bombed).

“How in the world was I ever going to write a book again that would ever please anybody? I knew well in advance that all those people who had adored Eat, Pray, Love were going to be incredibly disappointed in whatever I wrote next because it wasn’t going to be Eat, Pray, Love. And all those people who hated [the book] were going to be incredibly disappointed in whatever I wrote next because it would provide evidence that I still lived,” she said.

Gilbert theorized that it’s hard for the brain to distinguish between the good experiences (i.e. success) versus the bad (i.e. failure). She said she believes our brains only measure how far from the normal we’ve veered. And the sooner we can get back to the normal, the better we feel. For her, the “normal” was to continue writing no matter what, even if some books fail and others succeed.

Feeling Self-Doubt is a Human Condition

It turns out there is data backing up how prevalent imposter syndrome is. Research by psychologists Dr. Pauline Clance and Dr. Gail Matthews showed that up to 70 percent of people experience imposter syndrome during their lives. It’s not a rare state of mind by any stretch.

They found there was a common theme among many who experienced imposter syndrome: messages left over from childhood were often a factor in whether someone experienced it. 

Surprisingly, it wasn’t just hearing frequent criticism that led to imposter syndrome. Being raised to highly value your intelligence and your accomplishments can also inadvertently set you up to be overly concerned about “measuring up.”

These experiences provide a subtle message that can lead us to believe it’s not OK to make mistakes, have doubts, or not know how to do something. 

Researcher and entrepreneur Lou Solomon says, “You can recognize [people with imposter syndrome] by the way they shun compliments. People with the imposter mindset don’t attribute their success to their own capabilities, so they squirm a bit when they’re recognized.”They often chalk up their success or accomplishments as luck. 

While imposter feelings can often be rooted in family life, according to Solomon, there are also an array of situations that can bring on these feelings. They include doing something new or novel, like getting a new job or a public speaking opportunity, or having a big transition in work or life.

The solution is to find ways of silencing the self-judgment voice and unlearning our limiting beliefs.  I think we all must figure out the best ways to do that for ourselves, and there will be many suggestions throughout this book you can try. Without taking this step, we will continue focusing on overpreparing and perfection and potentially miss out on opportunities due to fear.

Carl Richards, the “Sketch Guy,” had a few final bits of wisdom to share after writing about his experiences with imposter syndrome in his column in The New York Times. He said, “I think part of the impostor syndrome comes from a natural sense of humility about our work . . .When we have a skill or talent that has come naturally, we tend to discount its value.”

In other words, if it’s easy, then why would it be valuable to the world? Having things come easy, though, is usually a result of integrating our experiences and fine-tuning our abilities. Once you put in the work, “Isn’t it sort of the point for our skill to look and feel natural?” he said.

The bottom line is imposter syndrome is something almost everyone experiences. It’s not one of those gut feelings you should blindly trust. The research shows it’s an indicator something exciting has happened or is about to happen. While we may never be cured from it, we can work to lessen its effect on our lives. Don’t let it be a dream-killer.  

Recap: How to Recognize and Combat Imposter SyndromeTake heart that imposter syndrome is extremely normalYou’re more likely to feel it the more success you experienceYou’re more likely to feel it when you’re “the first” or “the only” one to achieve somethingYou’re likely to be uncomfortable with compliments and easily brush them off when you’re feeling like an imposterRecognize and focus on “unlearning” limiting beliefs when you’re feeling like an imposterSometimes self-talk such as, “even though I’m feeling like an imposter, I can do this,” is helpful.Recognize that the brain is just alerting you that something exciting or out of the ordinary has happened when you’re feeling like an imposter.Tell yourself “I’m excited,” when you’re feeling like an imposterRecognize that something may come easy for you because you worked hard and you’re inherently good at it. Remind yourself that you’re normal if you have doubt, fear or feel uncertain. These are human feelings.Remind yourself it’s ok to make mistakes or change your mind.

This is an excerpt from The Resiliency Effect. To download another chapter, click this link.

February BOGO offer

We’re launching two major deals this month for the Resiliency Effect. Get excited!

Buy One, Gift One

If you buy, or review my book in February you can gift an eBook version to a friend! To take advantage of this BOGO offer just:

Message me a screen shot of your book purchase or book review from Amazon 

Also send the name and email of the person you’d like to gift an eBook to.  Include a friendly note for me to send too, if you like.  

Happy reading!

February Giveaway and BOGO offer

We’re launching two major deals this month for the Resiliency Effect. Get excited!

Goodreads Book Giveaway

Winter blues got you down? Sign up to win a FREE autographed copy of The Resiliency Effect. You must be registered on Goodreads to be eligible. Winners will be announced on Goodreads March 1, and I’ll be mailing out the signed copies shortly thereafter.

The Resiliency Effectby Cady North

See the giveaway details at Goodreads. Enter Giveaway

Buy One, Gift One

If you can’t wait for the giveaway to end, that’s no problem, because if you buy, or review my book in February you can gift an eBook version to a friend! To take advantage of this BOGO offer just:

Message me a screen shot of your book purchase or book review from Amazon 

Also send the name and email of the person you’d like to gift an eBook to.  Include a friendly note for me to send too, if you like.  

Happy reading!

The Inner Journey and Our Big Dreams

Is a cross-country move a great way to put a Band-Aid on your problems? You bet it is.  

At the end of 2007, I did exactly that. After twenty-five years, I left my home state of Texas—the land of big skies and big highways—to move more than 1,500 miles east to Washington, DC—the land of cherry blossoms and public discourse.  

I made a snap decision after a staff meeting on a hot day in July. Among the more mundane updates that day, my boss shared a significant piece of news: “There’s been a reorganization, and it’s possible some of us are going to be spending a little bit more time in the DC office.”

Moments after the meeting ended, I followed him to his office and said, “If you’re looking for volunteers, I’m in.” I’d never even been to DC. 

Within six weeks, I’d packed up and sold my house in Austin and moved into a cute little row house on Capitol Hill in Washington, DC, within walking distance to the US Capitol building. “I’m on an adventure!” was all I would say to people who asked, “Isn’t this all a little sudden?”

The truth is, the move provided a huge distraction from the devastation the previous five years of my life had brought me. I could focus on all the logistics of the move and the discovery of a brand-new life. I also got a lot of attention from colleagues who thought I was brave in deciding to leave home while envious at the professional growth I would gain in a new, expanded role.

The frenzied change allowed me to avoid fully grieving years’ worth of traumatic experiences. These included the early death of both my parents, a lost adolescence and early adulthood, and the bitter end of my first marriage after my spouse cheated on me.  

Yet, less than a year later, the cracks in my Band-Aid plan were beginning to show. The novelty of the move had worn off, and I realized I didn’t even like the professional role I was in. I was frustrated I wasn’t making more progress on my personal and professional goals. I didn’t feel happy or fulfilled. Maybe it was time to start over again? Moving across the country didn’t work. So, I thought, “Maybe I need to reinvent my career.”

I took some time to journal and write out the subject matter and experiences that were important and motivating to me. One of the things I had written was that I wanted to help people one-on-one with their finances, including working on financial literacy.

As I penned this aspiration, I immediately thought, “That’s not where I can put my focus right now. I have to concentrate on making the right moves in my current career trajectory.” I took pride in being a realist. 

As a federal lobbyist advocating public policy work for the state of Texas, it wasn’t clear to me how I could ever parlay that experience into personal finance. Since I wasn’t on the personal finance career path, I had no clue. I believed what I wanted to do didn’t exist or that I’d have to become famous to have a platform. Meanwhile, the more well-known and common career paths within this field, such as becoming an investment banker or stockbroker, weren’t appealing to me. So, I pushed my personal goal aside and did nothing to make it happen.   

Flash forward eight years. By all accounts, I was a success story. I had found new career goals and climbed the corporate ladder. I got closer to my goal of working in finance—at least in the public policy realm—and was well paid and well known in financial circles. I was respected as a sought-after speaker and author on financial regulation for a global news and data organization. I was inching closer to working directly in personal finance.  

I enjoyed filling up my life with “to-do’s” and achievements. On top of working full time, I was completing an executive MBA program while also traveling every other week between New York and Washington, DC, for work. The travel alone would be exhausting for anyone—but I thought, “Why not get my MBA?” It was something I always wanted to do, and it would check the box off my list. But even though I was a high achiever with corporate recognition, I was not living my best life.

Contentment was elusive. I experienced burnout regularly, along with bouts of depression. I lost track of the number of times I found myself crying in the work bathroom. Being outwardly successful wasn’t enough—I was unhappy, stressed, and worried that despite all I was doing, I wasn’t enough. 

In 2015, the exhaustion caught up with me. I felt like I couldn’t take on one more thing. I was increasingly frustrated and depleted by almost any task I took on—personal or professional. I finally realized I’d been filling up my life with busyness and overachievement because it made me feel like I was worth something. I also started to recognize this type of overwork didn’t begin when I took on the extra travel or the MBA. It had been decades in the making.

So, on the day before my last MBA group presentation, and a week before graduation, I gathered up a lot of courage and quit my job. I graduated and then took a six-month sabbatical from any work. For the first time in years, I set aside my incessant need to do more and more so I could feel like I mattered.

The break was transformational. It led me to start my own business in—you guessed it—personal finance. And as I look back on it, I wonder why it took me more than eight years to get where I wanted to be.  

Interestingly, I’m not the only one who has a story like this. As I started working one-on-one with clients, giving them the clarity and confidence to see that their finances could allow them to live the lives they were meant to, I noticed a pattern. Far too many of us aren’t living the lives we dream of out of fear, uncertainty, or simply inertia. And this is not because we lack success or the will to work for it. For many of us, our drive toward outward success is a symptom that needs to be treated before we are able to live our best lives.  

Here’s how this shows up in real life. A 2015 Deloitte study discovered that 77 percent of respondents experienced burnout in their current position—feelings of energy depletion, negativity, or cynicism about work, and/or reduced personal and professional capacity. As it turns out, another study linked this high rate of burnout to health care spending and mortality, finding that more than 120 thousand US deaths per year are associated with workplace overwork.

For years, we’ve read articles and had discussions about how imposter syndrome gives us limiting beliefs, making us feel unworthy to pursue our big dreams. But did you know just how prevalent imposter syndrome is? Studies dating back to the ’80s show up to 70 percent of us experience it. It turns out the stronger your overachieving tendencies are, the more likely you’ll feel like an imposter.

Personally, I’m the kind of person who craves understanding. It’s motivating to understand not just how prevalent these beliefs are, but why they are so prevalent and why so many of us aren’t living our biggest dreams.  

In my experience talking with friends and with clients, I’ve found that nearly everyone believes they’ll tackle their dreams “one day.” The problem with this approach is all those other years in between when we’re giving in to workaholism, burning ourselves out, traveling to another state or country, or job-hopping to get ahead. It feels like we’re always trying to achieve yet another thing on our list that is not related to our big dream.  

“You’re such a good student,” they said. “You’re so strong. We’re proud of all your success and how well you’ve done for yourself.” No matter how many times I heard this, I didn’t feel like enough. A six-figure career, being published, appearing on TV; none of this success brought lasting fulfillment or happiness for me. Upon deeper reflection, I discovered these feelings of not being good enough date back to the way I grew up.

My parents were alcoholics, meaning that a lot of the time they weren’t paying attention to me or my needs. I learned from an early age to be hyper-focused on everyone else’s needs and feelings as a coping mechanism. On top of that, I felt the need to do everything I could to appear like I had it all together and didn’t need any help. I didn’t want to make waves in the family and add complexity to an already complex situation. Becoming an overachiever earned me a lot of outside validation and praise, but it also helped me hold the family together.  

Both my parents died of alcoholism-related diseases within two years of one another. As the oldest of three, I was suddenly in charge of not only managing their estates, but also taking care of my two younger siblings. At the age of twenty-two, I became the guardian of my sixteen-year-old sister, which was an unbelievable amount of responsibility to be handed to a young adult.

However, I was always given and took on way too much responsibility because of the household I grew up in. In fact, becoming the guardian of my sister was probably one of the least challenging responsibilities I experienced as a child and young adult. All of this has lasting effects on me today, especially, I learned, as it relates to pursuing my deepest dreams.

Sadly, the topic of trauma and PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder) is still so loaded and focused on either treating members of the military returning from war or what I call “capital-T,” event-related Trauma like abuse, assault, or injuries. Within the realm of PTSD, there’s significantly less focus on the millions of us who grew up in households that seem okay from the outside, but actually lacked basic support, communication, and understanding. 

In addition, these public discussions about trauma often focus on physical and mental health, but not on how they relate to our career and finances. Studies show that 64 percent of us have experienced one or more Adverse Childhood Experiences, or ACEs—a list of ten specific types of experiences that include having a parent with a mental health issue or experiencing divorce or neglect. Based on that fact, it’s rare to be a person who grows out of childhood free of adversity. Yet no one is making these linkages between our early struggles and how they affect our ability to find contentment in our calling.  

I believe trauma is the root cause behind much of our limiting beliefs. Given how widespread traumatic experiences are, this undoubtedly has an impact on our ability as a society to act on our biggest dreams. The good news is that going through trauma also creates resiliency. When we channel our resiliency in the right way instead of letting our coping mechanisms take center stage, we can find more purpose in our lives. 

Starting with my sabbatical, I embarked on a new inner journey—one that was not achievement-focused, but rather more exploratory in nature and without expectation. It gave rise to a self-employed career that affords me time for service to others and introspection. I have been able to create a life for myself that has more balance, more purpose, and most importantly less stress, fear, and pain. I want to help you find that, too. 

In the The Resiliency Effect, together we’ll dive into why this happens to us and learn from other people about how they’ve found and acted on their true callings without suffering financially. We’ll talk more about what trauma and ACEs are, why it’s important to acknowledge the double-edged sword of resiliency, and how you can turn your experiences into opportunity. We’ll also talk about how to unlearn coping mechanisms that may be getting in your way and what you can do instead. Finally, we’ll give you some actionable insights and journal prompts to sort through your thoughts so you can take steps to launch your biggest dreams.

This is an excerpt from The Resiliency Effect: How to Own Your Adversity to Act on Your Biggest Dreams. To read more, check out the book here.

Cady North Featured on The Hero’s Mindset Podcast

Nick Lugo spent sometime on Zoom with Cady North this month and recorded it as an episode for the Hero’s Mindset Podcast. We talked about career journeys, mindset, education and more. Check it out here.

Finding Resilience in The New Year

On January 14, I’m hosting an online discussion about finding resilience in the new year. There will be a live reading from my book, The Resiliency Effect. Attendees will also get access to a special printable workbook.

Claim your Spot! To RSVP and get the video call details click here.

What Coping Mechanisms are Getting in the Way of Your Dreams?

We’ve all experienced some form of adversity in our lives.  The good news is we naturally develop resiliency as a result of negative experiences that we had. Resiliency gives us skills, techniques and coping mechanisms that help us bounce back in the face of future trauma or challenges. Typically, resiliency is a really good thing. 

It means we survived. 

But I’m here to tell you that resiliency is also a double edged sword. Sometimes the traits that make us resilient, like an “I can do it myself” attitude, over-functioning, or over-responsibility, can lead straight to burnout, anxiety, and depression.  

These traits can be valued by society though, so it’s often hard to recognize them as challenges or limiting beliefs.  Resiliency keeps us safe, and the skills protect us from future pain or disappointment.  But often these coping mechanisms may be hindering us and holding us back from making progress towards the big dreams we have.  

My Story

That was true for me. Growing up in an alcoholic family as the oldest of three siblings, I started life with more responsibility than the average person. I helped hold the family together by doing the grocery shopping in high school and working in various aspects of our family business. 

Tragically, both my parents died of alcoholism-related diseases within two years of one another. As the oldest, I was suddenly in charge of not only managing their estates, but also taking care of my two younger siblings. At the age of twenty-two, I became the sole guardian of my sixteen-year-old sister, which was an unbelievable amount of responsibility to be handed to a young adult.

I didn’t have a typical young adulthood with the safety net of family to learn skills from and fall back on. Failure wasn’t an option. I was “adulting” long before “adulting” was a common meme among millennials.  I became self-reliant and was praised for my maturity and “having it all together.” My “can do it” attitude meant that I also excelled in my career. 

I was resilient. 

But this came at a cost.  For instance, I didn’t get to have spring breaks and learn how to “unplug” and turn off.  Most of my breaks during school were spent working to support myself financially.  I didn’t learn the value of finding balance with my time and my boundaries. I struggled to understand and pay attention to my own needs for support and protection from others or learn when recharging and taking a break would make sense. 

I had a belief that I have to work hard, and keep working hard in order to be worth something. Eventually, through self reflection, I made this link between my incessant need for busyness and achievement and how it was the only thing fueling my self-worth. It was mostly driven by my imposter syndrome – a belief that despite outward success I didn’t deserve it or it didn’t really mean anything.  

It’s no wonder I struggled with anxiety and depression throughout my teens and 20s.  It’s also no wonder that I moved through a career path and career ladder simply because of the circumstances I found myself in, not because it was the path that I designed or dreamed for myself.  

I’m trying to speak out against this idea that we need to be busy and achievement focused to be worth something.

It took a long time for me to consider how these traits left over from my trauma — which are often valued in a career — were hurting me. Once I did, the good news is, I think my inherent resilience kicked in. I was able to adapt and consider another path, one that was more even keeled and includes more balance.  

You may not think to describe embarking on an entrepreneurial journey as “even keeled and balanced,” but the truth is it was easier for me to create that for myself than trying to create it within the corporate environment. 

Crusade Against Busyness

One of the reasons I dared to write a book exploring some of the traumas I had and profiling experiences of many others who made big changes in their life as a result of their own self-reflection and inner journeys is because I’m trying to speak out against this idea that we need to be busy and achievement focused to be worth something.  It’s a bit of a crusade that I’m on. 

And it’s warranted because burnout is an epidemic right now.  People experience burnout in different ways.  Burnout can show up in an obvious way like exhaustion, the inability to sleep, or maybe the strong need to sleep all the time. A hallmark of burnout is not having any personal time or self care in our lives. It can also show up as more of a simmering frustration, anger, resentment, or unpleasantness at your job.  

Busyness and burnout can also just be a distraction. A distraction from experiencing uncomfortable emotions. It prevents us from looking too closely at how our past painful experiences in life might have given us coping mechanisms that hold us back from living in more happiness and fulfillment.  

Once I made that link between busyness and my self worth, I was able to start letting go of the societal pressures to always stay busy and productive. Letting go of my corporate job helped me let go of my busyness faster, as I could now set the bar without input or guidelines from a boss or corporate culture.

Becoming an entrepreneur allowed me not only to live a life-long dream of working to help people with their personal finances, but do it on my terms with protections in place to prevent getting too close to burnout and overwork again.  

Naming and achieving a big dream takes courage and being comfortable with a fair amount of risk. However, if we fear risk because it reminds us of something we experienced in the past — it means we have a lot more to overcome in order to do something scary and life a big dream we have in life.  

My most important personal goal today is to spend time going back and living a more carefree lifestyle, as opposed to one that’s over scheduled, overworked, and burned out.  I invite you to do more of your own self reflection to discover some of your coping mechanisms — what might be holding you back from living your biggest dreams?

The Resiliency Effect draws on the disciplines of life coaching, psychology, and financial planning.  My goal with the book is to offer a way to develop excitement and energy around your purpose which often is preceded by deep, inner work. It’s available on Amazon, Barnes and Noble, and everywhere books are sold.

Four Reasons I Wrote The Resiliency Effect

I felt compelled to write my book for a few reasons.

First, I’m a financial advisor in my day job as Founder and CEO of North Financial Advisors. I speak with hundreds of people each year about their hopes and dreams along with their finances. What I hear most often is that people desire to live their lives differently, more in sync with their purpose or dreams or simply to have more balance and happiness in life. We all can name these big dreams or big changes we want for ourselves. Yet, the vast majority of us aren’t living them. Why is that?

I wanted to find out the answer, and that’s exactly what I asked when I interviewed and profiled more than 50 people for the book.

I, too, had a dream that had long been put on hold — to work with people one-on-one with their finances.

A story I tell in the opening chapters of my book is how this dream of mine languished for about 8 years. I was too busy, too focused on the wrong things and too caught up in what other people thought of me and what I “was supposed” to be doing. My self worth was tied to my accomplishments, achievements, and full calendar. This all dates back to how I grew up and the experiences and adversities I experienced as a child and young adult.

I often found myself burned out, but then quickly wondering, “what’s next?” I easily moved on to the next thing rather than doing the inner work necessary to get at my biggest dreams.

I bet you can relate, as I’ve heard so many stories at this point, it almost feels like a ubiquitous human condition. At it’s core, this book explores ways which people have overcome these kinds of adversities to live their biggest dreams. It gives you the “how” related to your mindset and inner journey. Then, the taking action part is up to you.

Second, there’s truly a limit to the number of people I can work with one-on-one. I only take on a few new clients each year to my financial planning practice. While I’m able to help coach clients to do some of their deep inner work to not only discover their big dreams, but start living them, the collective dent I’m able to make is quite small. My hope is that offering a book will be a way for many more people to be inspired to start living their big dreams.

Third, I think more people should be business owners and starting a business is one big dream that many people have. The problem is there’s this assumption that being a business owner is hard, draining, and a hustle. Yes, there are challenges, but when done right, being a business owner is a great way to get more freedom back into your life. My book challenges many of the assumptions about business ownership. Dozens of the people I interviewed or profiled in the book have their own business and it was great getting their thoughts on “lessons learned” to incorporate best practices in my book. While my book isn’t about “how to start a business,” it’s more about how to get yourself and your mind in the right place to explore what’s possible and create something that will be sustainable in the long-run.

Finally, I wrote this book for me. It’s not easy to work through the inner stuff as much as we focus on our outer accomplishments and achievements. About 6 months before writing this book, I was looking at my own charitable giving strategy and looking for national trauma-informed non profits doing work to expand people’s knowledge about many of the topics I explore in my book. It didn’t exist. The closest thing I could find is ACESAware.org and that’s mainly a California organization. That told me that we need more awareness first – Part 1 of my book dives deep into how adversities and trauma we (or our families) experienced can be holding us back in ways we’re not even aware of.

What I discovered on my author journey was that there is power in vulnerability. As humans we learn so much through story telling and relating to others, far more than when we memorize facts and figures. While it’s scary to share so much of my story and my past along side all the people I interviewed, developing the courage to do so has changed me for the better.

Do You Want to Write a Book?

There’s a whole host of reasons I think everyone should consider writing a book. First, it’s a fantastic way to organize all your thoughts about a topic and dive deep. The best way to learn is honestly to write or teach about it. It forces you to fully understand both the big picture and the micro details, filter out what’s most important and then share it back to people in a way they can relate. That’s powerful.

Whether you’re a business owner, employee, manager or aspiring to any one of those things, a book can be a great way to develop a higher level of credibility. It’s much easier to earn media appearances, speaking gigs, and business referrals as an author. Having a book on someone’s shelf is much more memorable than a business card. It can be a door opener to creating new connections and opportunities. It’s so much easier to explain, “What do you do?” when you wrote a book on it.

There’s also a fair amount of self-discovery that comes along with writing a book. It can help you answer your “why,” it can help you make an impact, it can help you get comfortable with uncomfortable stuff. I thought writing a book would be a very lonely process, something I did on my own. But as it turns out I joined an author community, had a ton of help, and during a global pandemic managed to expand my network and my reach.

Beware…the minute you start thinking about stretching yourself to do something like this, your brain might say, “Wait a minute! That sounds scary / risky / painful, isn’t there something else you should be doing?

I urge you to instead do one small thing to explore this dream or any other dreams you have. Can you spend 10 minutes researching, writing or talking to a friend about it instead of immediately shutting down the idea?

What’s your big dream? What’s one thing you can do to make tiny, incremental progress on it?