Daniel Cantor Yalowitz's Blog

Growing and Tending Your Garden...of Friendships

As we move into "High Harvest Season" with a dizzying array of fruit, vegetables, herbs, flowers, and more, it's prudent for each and all of us to remember to tend to another garden that can yield tremendous harvests...not for one day or one season, but for a lifetime. Our garden of friends and friendships has the potential to be for both a life-time and a lifeline.

As we nurture our gardens, our houseplants, fruit trees - whatever grows, really - around and within our homes, it is at least as important, if not more so, to take and share regular time to invest in the nurturance of our friendships. While we may water, de-weed, pinch off flowers on herbs, cover berry bushes from birds, and so much more, the focus and attention we put into our friends and relationships will also come back to feed and nourish us, from our souls to our psyches, from our physical bodies to our fertile minds.

We know what happens when we don't mow our grassy lawns for a month, or two. Not pretty - and the lawn becomes scraggly, messy, imbalanced, out of control. May it also be said that paying little or no attention to our friends may put things out of kilter after awhile? Friendships deserve time, energy, and presence. If we are laconic about any of this, the friendships we have may become listless or staid as we become more and further out of touch. Any and all living things need and deserve attention in order to thrive; even in the wild, nature and her cycles furnish what is needed for even the most needy plants to maintain themselves (think "extreme environments" here - those that you've been to, or seen on TV, or read about...).

How, then, to make the investment and engage or re-engage in nourishing and replenishing our friendships? First, we have to decide for ourselves that friends and friendships are a priority. Coming (albeit slowly) out of Covid, we are being afforded the possibility of reconnecting, in person, with those we have long considered friends but have been unable to connect with face-to-face (unless masked and apart) for too long.

If we want and desire this, then it is up to each of us to"go for it", and take the initiative to take back/bring back our personalized and chosen relationships with those whom we most care about. Letting them know this personally and directly in one very fine place to start - an appreciation, an invitation, an offering. Making suggestions - or asking for theirs -

are both BIG and simple steps to taking the next step in the journey of friendship. Then: follow up and make something happen between you and your friend(s). Whether an in-person visit, a facetime phone call, a zoom session, photos and letters shared - doing something - anything - meaningful, will advance the cause and the depth of your friendship. Above all, don't let your friendships go untended and un-nurtured: there sense of inertia makes it all the more challenging to push your "Friendship Re-start" button. So, take that first step today: reach out to a friend. it's a win/win proposition.

For further ideas, and for more support, read my new book, Reflections on the Nature of Friendship. It's written in plain language, has lots of personal stories and how-to's, and engages all aspects of each of us through story, poetry, music, literature, quotes across time and culture, and three of my own case studies. It's available in softcover through my website (danielyalowitz.com), or as both an ebook and paperback through amazon.com. Go through my website, and I will be delighted to personalize an inscription and sign it for you!

Post-Pandemic Friendship: Moving On and Beyond...

THE WORLD is slowly, even unsteadily re-opening. Right now, it seems to be a start/stop/ wait/go/re-check/move forward type of situation. And no one REALLY KNOWS how this is all going to play out.

WITH ALL THE QUESTIONING and concerns, the doubts and insecurities we hold, and the wants and needs that we have ~ FRIENDSHIP is more important THAN EVER!

OUR FRIENDS -- and our friendship circles -- provide a steadying element in our lives, an opportunity to reconnect with those people with whom we've each personally chosen to create meaningful relationships.

IN THESE TIMES of flux and change and transition - and never quite knowing what is next in our wild and woolly world - the stability, depth, and ease that our friendships hold for each of us become increasingly valuable and necessary. No one can negotiate the world and its complexities and eccentricities on their own; friends can be - and are - there to support, assist, cajole, cheerlead, mentor, and enjoy each and every day, no matter the extent and style of our personal challenges, hardships, and serendipities.

WE ALL HAVE THE POTENTIAL to deepen our friendships - to be of greater service, to listen better, to be more patient, and to engage, among other things. Friends are our teachers, and we are theirs as well. Like all else in our lives, we get from our friendships what we put into them. Simply said, friendship is "social work". But not just that. It is play, pleasure, relaxation, collaborative experience, and joy-in-the-moment. Friendship

is a meaning-making and transformative life experience.

POST-PANDEMIC, as we negotiate and move into and through its erratic stages and phases, our friends matter. They make a difference inner lives. We can learn, offer,

and refine kindness, trust, openness, intelligence, and connection by being as present

as possible with and for them - and with and for ourselves as well.

TAKE TIME to reflect for yourself on the meaning and care that you place into your friends and friendships. IF you find that you're wanting additional support and nurturance to be able to do so, have a good read of my current book, REFLECTIONS

ON THE NATURE OF FRIENDSHIP, available via my website (danielyalowitz.com) and through amazon.com in both softcover and as an e-book. And take 90 precious

seconds to introduce yourself to my book by viewing my book trailer via my website

too!

Book Launch for Reflections on the Nature of Friendship

If you missed my book launch on March 7, here's the recording:

https://www.facebook.com/danielcantoryalowitzauthor/videos/1152056251931441

The (NEW) book's the thing...Greetings, "Friends" ~

This Sunday, March 7th, I am celebrating the long-awaited release of my new/

newest book, "Reflections on the Nature of Friendship", and soon enough, I will

be taking it along with me on a virtual and then a physical book tour around the

USA. The book was fourteen months in the making and involved my researching

the universal topic of friendship here in the US, and involved colleagues in India,

China, Nepal, Mexico, Japan, and Canada.

At a time when friendship is more needed globally than ever before, due to the incredible challenges of Covid-19 and its variants, a book that is exclusively focused

on this theme meets a deep need. "Reflections" is devoted exclusively to taking a

"deep dive" into what friendship is, what it means, how we can learn to better live

as and with friends, and what it takes to maintain and sustain our friendships.

For good measure, I've added some spice, depth, and dimensionality by liberally including quotes about friendship from across culture and time, and many are

from "everyday folks", going far beyond the usual trendy sayings one may find on Hallmark cards. To better illustrate many of my main points in the book, I present examples off specific aspects of friendship from the worlds of music, film, theatre,

and the visual arts. One other feature is that I lay bare my own soul and offer up

my own interpretation and analysis of three of my own deep and intense friendships

through a"case study" approach.

Writing "Reflections" came at a time - in just over one year - when major events were occurring in the world, especially in our USA, that were fragmenting, isolating, bifurcating, and maddening, no matter which side of the political divide one sits. For me, personally, 2020, when the book was conceived and written (but not yet birthed), was a "merry-go-round" year, with the ups of becoming a first-time grandpa, joining a local organic CSA as a senior volunteer farmer, serving as a sous-chef at our local Stone Soup Cafe, becoming Vice-Chair of our local Human Rights Commission, seeing my parents reach their 90th birthdays. Those were the "ups" on the meerry-go-round. Downers? I had a few: a heart attack in early February followed by five subsequent ER hospitalizations, a 50-mile ride in an ambulance on my birthday, tests for throat cancer (negative), the passing of a few meaningful friends, and the ongoing challenges of a recalcitrant MIL needing to move and sell her home of 62+ years and move into an entirely new scene. In a word, LIFE! So, there's been A LOT to reflect on.

HAVE A LOOK: buy it or find it or borrow it now that the book is out ~ and let me know

what you think! Agree, disagree - regardless, DO take it in and take it on! "Reflections on the Nature of Friendship": THE book to write in 2020, and THE book to read in 2021!

Friendship in The Time of COVID

NONE OF THIS is easy. At all. Period. Living (let's rename it as "surviving", for those enough fortunate enough to be...) with the constant stress and distress of the innumerable and over-whelming crises that we are forced to live with, and to adhere to multiple and necessary (!) safety restrictions which most of us, do, 24/7, creates an internal crisis in addition top the chaos and unknowns that surround us.

When we are fortunate - blessed - enough to find something or someone to steady us during this time, she/he/it/them become a lifeline, a conduit, and a channel, to a greater level of security and stability. Quite by our human design, many if not most of us are graced by one element of our lives that provides these qualities and a lot more, and they are anywhere and everywhere. In fact, they may be so omnipresent the we may take them for granted, assuming they are always "there" for us, ready to support, energize, empathize, play, work, and dream with us. And, much to their credit - and ours - they almost always are...

What are these?

They are our friends.

They have chosen us, and we have selected them. All by choice, all through our own volition. The rules that exist between friends are theirs, and ours - they are co-created.

In challenging times, during periods of emotional and physical overwhelm, friends serve

as a calming balm for one another in that they are able to focus on our very human needs, wants, desires, frustrations, hurts, pain, and suffering - among others.

If we take our friends for granted, there is a tendency to overlook, even minimize, their spectacular roles in our individual lives - from both sides. Acute stress decreases our capabilities to appreciate the gifts that surround us. With all the types of "Appreciation

Days" that popular our annual calendars (I'm thinking of Mother's Day, Father's Day, Grandparent's Day, Boss's Day, Secretaries Day, and many more) ~ what about adding perhaps the biggest of all: An International Day of Friendship?

But, beyond going so grand, what if each of us - friends to others, with others as our friends - simply took a few moments each day to appreciate one or more of them either through internal acknowledgement or through an interpersonal act of reaching out to express our gratitude? Consider the immediate and long-term implications of doing so ONE minute per day...what do YOU come up with? The list is too long to consider in this space, but worth considering nevertheless...one minute that can change your entire day --- and theirs!

This is never more so important than during this seemingly never-ending pandemic. Life is hard enough on all of us, in too many ways. What about lightening it for yourself and one other person - a good, dear, friend - on a daily basis?

Intimacy = Into Me You See

When I take a few precious moments to look back (instead of being the "always looking forward" person) and reflect on what has been most meaningful in my life to date, it is inevitably about my most important social relationships - those with friends and personal partners. The jobs I've had, the work I've done the places I've traveled all have had impact and influence in creating the Me that I Am, and the Life I am Living.

But, what stands out the most are those people with whom I have formed deep and sustaining friendships. You know, the kind where you always want to ask, "Is there more?" because one has so much interest, curiosity, and concern about the other, and everything matters, down to the smallest detail and story. I always feel better, stronger, and even more connected within myself when I am with or coming away from intimate times of sharing the stories of our lives with friends, new and older, close-by and light years away. There is tenderness, joy, openness, and inspiration when I experience a deepening and opening with someone I care about and love, and those feelings are returned to me in a never-ending feedback loop.

Intimacy is the gift that loving friends offer each other. It enables us to see into ourselves and to connect with another in ways far richer than normal daily contact and interaction. We are seen, we feel seen, and we see ourselves as we are without obstruction, obfuscations existence, denial, or any other emotions that draw down doors and windows around us. We are received because we are authentic and genuine. We don't fear raw honesty and vulnerability and expressing our human fragility. And, in those moments of such intimacy, the same comes back to us. Real caring is the art of real sharing. It is as it was spoken by the fox to the Little Prince in Antoine de St. Exupery's classic story:

It is only with the heart

that one can see rightly;

what is essential

is invisible to the eye...

BRING IT ON....

AND SO, I begin! My first-ever BLOG to and for the world, without too much of a clue, really, as to how this particular World Works but with some clear ideas as to why I am appearing in this space. So onward I go with this venture, with an attitude of gratitude and the pluck and verve to say and share, "BRING IT ON...!"

Most of us continue to be greatly concerned, alarmed, careful, and cautious about the Pandemic -- and have been increasingly so over the seven-plus months of its existence. A great deal of energy and expertise has been shared regarding the physical, physiological, and medical impact of Covid-19 and what to do and not to do. Whether one pays attention, listens deeply, and acts out of these concerns and the research that has been ongoing to date, there is much awareness of the power of this pandemic to negatively influence our lives, health, lifestyles, and livelihoods. This is beyond question, and beyond the shadow of a doubt.

There is another critical side to this global pandemic: the psychosocial element. My particular concern is one of the degree of isolation and insularity so many people across our planet are currently experiencing, and may have been experiencing going on for more than a half a year at this point. The loss of friends, colleagues, family members, and respected others in each of our lives leaves not only a gap but a chasm for too many of us, one that is not recoverable for some. Even if we've not lost dear ones to the pandemic, the increased seclusion we may feel from having to remain indoors, the inability to see and connect with others as we are used to, breeds a deeper and deepening sense of isolation. This may well lead to increased mental health issues, notably fear, depression, anxiety, and loss of social status and connectedness.

These are among the reasons that I have recently decided to write and self-publish a book, entitled "Reflections on the Nature of Friendship". Now more than ever before in most of our lives, we need friends, OUR friends, to be available, accessible, and amenable to discovering how to be friends in new ways, apart from and beyond the easy contact of sharing physical space and time with one another. Friendship fills so many needs, gaps, hopes, and desires in our lives. We are all challenged to maintain and sustain meaningful friendships, and Covid-19 has placed huge hardships in our way on a continual basis. "Reflections on the Nature of Friendship" addresses many of these concerns head-on, raising questions, offering caring, thoughtful, and nurturing suggestions to all who yearn for deeper and healthier friendships in their lives. Included in the book are three focused case studies wherein I delve into the personal and relational dynamics of some of the extraordinary friendships in my life to date. The book also delves into critical aspects of friendship, including personal and social identity development and change, boundaries, intercultural issues, intergenerational considerations, the passage and challenges of time, and so much more. It is written in a personal, interactive style, and includes quotes across time and culture, as well as friendships made public through literature, poetry, history, film, and theatre.

The good news about my book is that it should be forthcoming both via softcover and as an e-book through Amazon.com under the auspices of the Kindle Publishing Company by or before the end of October, 2020. Please write to me with your questions, responses to this first blog, or any other sharing you wish to offer me. And thanks for reading to this point...more to come soon...and I hope you're now saying, "BRING IT ON!"