C.M. Hindmarsh's Blog, page 2

Chaos Magick - I put a spell on you...

I've been devouring as many books as I can concerning the topic of Chaos Magick. I just finished Carl Abrahamsson' Occulture - The unseen forces that drive culture forward and I'm now into Hands-on Chaos Magic by Andrieh Vitimus. A fascinating subject and one not too many people are familiar with so here's a definition:

"Chaos magic is difficult to define because definitions are composed of common components. By definition, chaos magic has no common components. Chaos magic is about using whatever ideas and practices are helpful to you at the moment, even if they contradict the ideas and practices you used previously."

What is Chaos Magic by Catherine Beyer, August 13, 2018 https://www.learnreligions.com/

Chaos magick is not fixed or governed like other modalities and perhaps anarchist magick would have been a more appropriate descriptor even though anarchic systems have some structure as well.

To me, the best example of Chaos Magick in fiction would be Cassandra Clare's The Mortal Instruments series. Main character Clary spontaneously creates her own new runes and sigils as needed and this is the essence of the magick.

Of course, non-fiction is rife with magical tales and magicians from the dark and light side in equal measure. It's been a while since I read Jonathan Strange & Mr. Norrell but as I recall, that involved a battle between a Chaos Magician(magickian?) and a scholarly one. Granted it's a fictional work but Suzanna Clark must be in the know or perhaps she's a magician as well as a writer? Excellent book by the way!

Chaos magick has been practised since humans first started being humans and things really took off in the late 1800's and early 1900's - Alister Crowley being the most recognized from that time. But it wasn't until the late 1930's up until 1945 that we see chaos magick performed on a grand scale.

And goose-stepping into the spotlight at centre stage is of course the National Socialist German Workers Party. Yes, the Nazi's!

All decked out in their blackest finery with their death's head skulls and twin 'sig' runes. Just how far down the dark rabbit hole the Nazi's slithered - no one living - can say with any certainty. However, it had to be quite far considering Himmler's own personal occult advisor Karl Maria-Wiligut was on the payroll.

The big question is - were the Nazi's chaos magicians? Standing back at an objective distance of 6 feet (now 3) it seems amazing that such vile morality and ethics could rise to such great heights without help.

The Nazi's were all about symbolism and sigilism and their propaganda machine was unparalleled. Imagine seducing an entire nation into eliminating Jews, the Roma and homosexuals and feeling good about it and volunteering to do so.

Not only that, but the Allies knew exactly what they were doing in the concentration camps and hoped the Nazi's would at least share their findings after experimenting on the human inmates. (Isn't it interesting that in the 1940's the humans that were going to be experimented on didn't line up voluntarily but were forced at gun point. And here we are in 2021 and they line up like it's a right of passage - no guns, no coercion - just the promise of a Krispy Kreme donut or Samuel Adams beer! )

Anyway, back to magick and Nazi's. In Occulture, Abrahamsson points out that a magician must adhere to and respect balance and in the lecture 'The Economy of Magic' he uses the phrase, " You get, you give. You give, you get." So, in simplest terms, you can't do any serious magick without giving something to balance out what you want to get. To save a life, one would have to take a life for example. And it doesn't need to be species for species or energetic form for energetic form - as long as the scales balance.

So, how did the Nazi's balance the scales? To create a creature or entity or golem as powerful and influential as the Third Reich, must have cost an energetic fortune! It's really hard to grasp or fathom an energetic debt so large. However, the answer is very simple - mass sacrifice!

The figures differ depending on what source you use but from the Jewish Virtual Library I split the difference and came up with 6 million people, mostly Jews. Sure, there have been mass casualties in other wars and at other times but never the systematic sacrifice of 6 million people and all in a very few years. This incredible mass sacrifice and harvesting of energy was used to fuel the monstrosity of the Third Reich and magically brainwash nations into getting on board.

Just think of all the slogans the propaganda division spat out.

"We're all in this together."

"Stay home, Break the chain."

"Facts not fears."

"Stand together by not standing together."

What? Wait a minute, looks like a put those in the wrong place. Those are the 2021 mass sacrifice slogans. And I'll get to those shortly.

So, the animated golem of the Third Reich was able to steam roll across Europe fuelled by the energy release from Auschwitz and other such houses of horror and do so in a balanced state. By the same train of thought, the Nazi's began to lose the war when they over-extended and the balance shifted. They didn't give enough so they didn't get enough. And thank goodness for that.

Other historic large scale Chaos Magick sacrifices would include the slave trade, and yes I concur that the slave trade never ended, and since I am writing from Canada, the systematic genocide of the First Nations. I'm sure your own country is not exempt and I won't go into more examples just to keep this blog brief.

Which brings us up to date with the latest example of Chaos Magick on perhaps the grandest scale in the history of the world, covid-19. Whether or not a virus was released from a lab or is just naturally occurring is a moot point. It is interesting though, from a Vegas-style magic show perspective, that it was initially reported as coming from a bat to a human. Pretty funny but not inconceivable!

The small group of people, things or creatures that orchestrate the day to day, decade to decade and century to century goings on of the world always need a boogieman. It could be anything or anyone, as long as the people of the world are made afraid of it and can be coerced to fight against it. At our most primal level, we are lovers , not fighters. We have an innate desire to love and prop one another up and share when we have bounty and others do not. We like to work and live in social groups and when two groups infrequently come into conflict we would rather talk it out, compromise and go about our business. We'll except if your Irish, then the order is fist-fight, talk it out over a Guinness and then go about your business. My point is we learn to hate. We learn to de-humanize. We fear an unknown until we learn more about the unknown and once it's known the fear is gone. But we must learn about the feared unknown by ourselves - no one can do it for us. We have also learned to lie. Most of us do it multiple times everyday because as children we observed our parents, teachers, businesses and governments do it all the time - so therefore it must be okay. As time progresses, the work and effort of the Chaos Magician gets easier.

Their previous conjurings just didn't gain enough energy to accomplish their master plan. The war on drugs didn't pan out. The boogieman of Gaddafi and Bin Laden and Weapons of Mass Distraction didn't pan out even when they pulled out all the stops on 911. The small group of creatures keep trying though and it would seem they have finally succeeded - so far at least.

Covid-19 is the boogieman they have always wanted to conjure. And really it couldn't be easier.

Step One: The Magic - create a creature that's invisible.

No one can see it and no one knows that it's there. Perhaps the only people who could see it are the scientists with electron microscopes. So this time they have cleverly made sure that we, the people, can't find out about this boogieman on our own. So, we have to rely on information from someone else - someone who could be lying.

Step Two: The Magic -make sure the creature is insidious and worse than anything that's come before it.

Virus' and bacteria are what keep us alive and virus' are responsible for providing us with vital feedback from our ever-changing environment. By definition, a virus isn't alive, but rather a packet of information that our bodies choose to respond to or discard. They are our allies and we are not naturally at war with them. The whole concept and promotion of doing battle against this invisible creature reveals the ignorance and stupidity of those tasked and trusted with our health.

Since this new boogieman is invisible, they had to find a way to scare the crap out of us and make sure we realized just how out of control this created enemy virus is. Enter the PCR test, a test created to determine if your DNA is present at a crime scene and never intended or used before to detect a coronavirus. Pump up the numbers with a bogus test and make sure the media flood the airwaves.

Step Three: The Magic - propaganda.

It's very easy to manipulate the masses and if you want some background information on "how to" then I would suggest 'The Century of Self' video series which focus' on Edward Bernays.

When faced with a new unknown and the associated fear of that unknown - it's up to each and every one of you to find out all you can about the creature from an independent source of information not affiliated or influenced by someone or something that has a financial agenda or an agenda that might even be worse. The mainstream media is merely a propaganda device created to deceive and promote fear. Was there ever a time when mainstream media promoted and reported the truth? Sadly, I very much doubt it. Even fine respectable fatherly types like Walter Cronkite and Dan Rather worked for share holders who paid for the commercials.

The mainstream media does not report the news nor does it investigate. Your favourite news anchor, that feels like a member of the family, is an actor who reads from a script. The entire news cast is a scripted show that is rehearsed before you watch it live. The script comes from the corporate shareholders who decide what gets written into the script and they are under no obligation to tell the truth. Shareholders want dividends not truth. Oh, I could go on and on.

Step Four: The Magic - dehumanize and in turn demonize.

This step is a bit less magical than the others, I admit, but an important piece of the puzzle. The only reason mask wearing has been mandated is to dehumanize us all and make the process of demonizing each other much easier and quicker. Masks don't keep you healthy, they make you sick, physically and mentally. The data and science on this has been around for decades. Masks and magic go hand in hand. Wearing a mask can give you a different identity and anonymity from actions you would never normally consider. Anyone whose viewpoint differs from the covid golem narrative can be vilified by the mask wearer. People who think everyone should have freedom of choice to do what they think right for their own bodies for example. It becomes much easier to create villains and scapegoats with mask anonymity because our humanity can't be seen under a mask. And there's the proven fact that prolonged mask wearing affects your cognitive ability. For any of you reading this blog that have to wear a mask for long periods - masks make you dumber!

Step Five: The piece de resistance - the magical weapon - the vaccine to repel said creature.

This is the 'You get, you give. You give, you get' principal used in an obviously and blatantly manipulative way. It's the proffered carrot just dangling out of reach. You inject this experimental magic potion into your veins and we will magically turn back time to what we once called normal. And here the magical potion is both metaphorical and real.

Intention is everything in magick. Tell the people that you have a magical potion that will protect them from the creature of covid-19, the creature that has ruined their lives, their normal. Offer the people a reward for taking the magical potion. Eliminate their unease by claiming it's safe and that anyone who claims otherwise is a nut job. Censor any and all dissenting and opposing opinions on social media and shutdown their channels on youtube.

Portray anyone with an opposing view, hesitancy and their common sense still in tact as less than human and someone who should be ostracized.

"We're all in this together."

"Stay home, Break the chain."

"Facts not fears."

"Stand together by not standing together."

Obviously, anyone not willing to inject the magical potion is not one of us. Job done!

But what about all this talk about human sacrifice?

Surely they're not going to rip hearts out at the top of a pyramid like the Aztecs of old?

No, nothing so crass.

It's the vaccine.

It doesn't matter which one because as they will all have the same effect - the genetic manipulation and re-writing of your innate immune system resulting in your reliance on vaccines and boosters for the rest of your life - unnatural as it now may be.

The important thing is, according to the creatures who run the world, is that the people getting vaccinated do so voluntarily. To reference the Aztec example, this is the equivalent of a warrior climbing up the pyramid steps and baring his breast to the priests holding the daggers. In modern times, the person gets in line at the local vaccine clinic and rolls up their sleeve - in essence surrendering their lives or sacrificing their lives. To a Chaos Magician - it's a boon that's served up on a silver platter.

Don't get me wrong - not all Chaos Magicians are into the dark side or sacrifices of blood.

It's all about balance.

If you haven't read 'Night Watch' by Sergei Lukyanenko then get reading. The light ones and the dark ones are definitely Chaos Magicians and although they constantly try and gain traction over the other - they must not break the balance of the dark and light.

So, does that mean that in the really, real world there is also a small group of entities that are trying to thwart the blood sacrifice of billions of people? Who knows? It's possible but as of yet they haven't made themselves or their actions known. If you have any information on that - please let me know.

I'm not going to get into the genetics(hint, hint) of how this blood sacrifice happens, but if you have done your own investigation and bypassed the censorship and company line and bias of social media and google, then the evidence begins to stack up. (like the bodies in a genuine pandemic)

And here's where the golem analogy really shines. By believing the government, mainstream media, health authorities and big pharma - the vaccinated and pro-lockdowners have given life to the unseen golem of covid-19. That's the nature of intention - if you believe that it is - it is!

That's the basic tenant of all magical work.

Now, here is the truly brilliant part. By getting vaccinated, you have voluntarily gifted your body and health to said creatures who rule the world. You have become a golem to be animated by them, not by you. And animated in a way that you no longer have control of because you gave it away. Oh, the horrible implications and repercussions!

I don't admire the Nazi's or the creatures who are performing this Chaos Magick symphony all over the world. It is however a masterstroke and impressive doesn't begin to describe it justly.

In their initial magical maneuver, they came to take control of your body. Next, they're coming for your property. Just wait and see.

And the end game?

We'll, who can say with certainty except the creatures that run the world.

A drastic reduction in the world's population? Complete Control? A stock market of sorts, where your body is the commodity and fluctuations in your behaviour is what the brokers bet on? All of the above?

"I put a spell on you - because you're mine."

Jay Hawkins/ Herb Slotkin

The Horribly Incomplete DIY Publishing Guide - Appendix 19

I know, I know! It's been ages since I posted. And you are right to admonish me because I have been a very bad man. Very bad indeed! Perhaps I should be punished? Tickled unmercifully? Made to sit in the comfy chair? Forced to look at and listen to Dr. Fauci?

I am truly sorry but here I am to make amends and teach and entertain you with another brilliant blog about DIY publishing.

This week I want to explore the promise of getting your wonderful book, reviewed. Now, anyone paying attention will realize I have touched on this subject in past blogs. And you, my alert reader, get a star beside your name and a cookie. I hope you don't mind a few crickets in your cookie as I find they add a nice crunch. And it's rather satisfying as their incessant rubbing of their legs together kept me up all night!

This will be a blog about another aspect of getting your spectacular book reviewed - at least the promise thereof.

A few months ago, I tried out Books Go Social which I thought was good fun and a beneficial thing to do. One of the things they can help you with is getting your book on NetGalley where your priceless work of creative genius can be read and reviewed by their huge stable of reviewers that hail from all over the world. Sounds great so far! Now, for any of you new writers who are holding your literary baby so tight to your chest that the blood's been squeezed out of your fingers - get ready for a shock! You're going to have to let go of that baby and put it on display for all to see and in this case review.

Yes, you purple fingered scallywags, you will need to upload your ebook onto the secure NetGalley site so said countless reviewers can download and review at a later date. Be brave, be strong and don't worry about someone stealing your book from the NetGalley site. You need to do this to get some reviews.

At this point, some of you with cricket legs dangling out of your gob, might be saying, "CM, surely this is just too good to be true?"

And sadly, you would be right and thus to the point of today's blog.

Many reviewers may download your book ( for free ) and assure you they will provide a review in the near future but for the most part - the promise of a review is all you will get.

Am I wrong or misguided in believing that quid pro quo means an equitable exchange of my book for a paragraph or two about my book? In fact, the exchange favours the reviewer in an inequitable manner. Isn't a review, the least they could do?

A case study:

My book, ,The Forgotten was up on NetGalley for a month - beginning November 12, 2020.

64 reviewers downloaded my book for free and promised to review it. ( why yes, that is a lot of money! )

To date, 12 people have posted reviews. ( yes, that is over 4 months )

I have sent reminder emails to the other 52 layabouts, twice during that time.

So, the review rate in this case study is 18.75 %.

To the 12 kind souls who did in fact quid pro quo - I thank you. Most reviews were glowing, some mediocre and a few were quite caustic. You can be assured that the last category won't be receiving any fresh baked cricket cookies in the foreseeable future!

Will I ever get reviews from the other 52? I doubt it. Reviews are like everything else in life, if a person isn't motivated to take action right away - they won't later on.

So, I will suck it up like a buttercup.

12 reviews are better than none and I will milk those 12 for all they're worth.

It occurs to me now that my blogs on DIY Publishing could be viewed as being rather negative and I have been known to suggest acts of revenge - some involving copious quantities of goat urine!

However, that is not my intention. I am merely retelling my experiences in the hopes that you will learn something new and make good use of my mistakes and failings. If you thought publishing your own book was going to be fun and easy - ha ha sucker!!!!

Just kidding. Don't get discouraged, don't pack it in. Stay on the path and keep going and believe in yourself and that beautiful creation you hold fast to your chest. You brought that creative baby into the world all by yourself and that is a HUGE win!

Keep writing my friends.

Give it away, give it away, give it away now!

Giving your book away for free.

Should you? Could you? Shame on you?

Today's blog is all about the perception that giving away your ebook for free is a good idea.

Or is it really about the perception that writers and artists in general are unworthy of making a living from their work?

By the end of this blog, there will be no doubt in your mind. There is no doubt in mine!

To start things off, why don't we look at the people who might want to read your book - the buying public as they say.

Basically, there are two categories of the book reading public.

Those who buy and those who don't. There is no grey area here, it's as black and white as you can get.

Those who buy.

Isn't there a passage in the Old Testament about 'Blessed be the book buyers'? Or was that 'cheese makers'? (right Big Nose?)

The buying public who actually spend money and buy my book or your book are the salt of the earth. They have sensed the worth of our creation and decided to take a chance and spend a few bucks. An exchange of money/energy takes place and the buyer gets the goods and the author gets a sense of self-worth and acknowledgement.

This also affects writers in a collective sense as it keeps the value of books high and doesn't dilute and devalue them.

Those who don't.

Isn't there a passage in the Old Testament that goes 'and the Lord cast out the vermin from the book store'?

Now, before I get my sharpest blades out, let me assure you that there is only one exception.

If, per chance, you are having a hard time financially or you're a senior on a very fixed income or just down on your luck - I empathize. I've been there and it sucks big time. So, if you find yourself in this exceptional category then I have no beef with you and if downloading a free book from Amazon gives you pleasure and lightens your day - you go for it! As long as it's a legit download. More on this later.

But for everyone else - Shame on you, you cheap bastards!

If I, or any other writer, has uploaded their creation onto a book selling site, we did so to sell books. If we wanted to write a book, just to say we did and stroke it off our 'to do' lists, then that book would be collecting dust on our book shelves.

When you graduated from med school, did you perform your first 50 lobotomies for free?

After you replaced the drainpipe and wiggled your ass crack showing plumber's butt out from under the sink, did you say, "no charge, I do this for free!"?

Of course not!

Those who don't. Those who never do. The thieves.

Isn't there a passage in the Old Testament about the 'SCUM of the earth'?

Could there be anything more vile than someone who illegally downloads intellectual property?

Unfortunately, the answer is yes - the person who steals intellectual property and creates illegal download websites for the other scum to download from.

Both are thieves, plain and simple. There is a special place in hell for the likes of you!

Why oh why, would anyone think it a good idea to price your book for free?

Are you out of your freakin mind?

Here are the usual excuses.

1/ Lure them in.

Since there are millions of other writers out there vying for the same buying public, why not lure them in by pricing your book for free. A loss-leader as it's called in supermarkets near you.

(Ya, that's right! I just compared your book to a can of spam.)

Create a buzz and interest for your next book release by giving your first book away for free.

Does this sound like a good idea to you?

I think it's a shite idea. Did you spend all those hours, days, weeks, years creating your wonderful book only to give it away for free. Let's calculate your hourly rate?

Now, zero divided by zero equals zero so your hourly rate is..............ZERO!

Seriously, what does that do for your self-esteem as a writer?

What message does that send to the buying public?

Why would I ever buy a book when every Tom, Dick and Sherie gives them away for free?

Writing must not be their full-time gig. It must be a hobby because they don't value their own work.

If you're idiotic idea to give away your book only affected you - then that would be fine. But it doesn't affect only you - it affects all writers! By giving it away for free you de-value all books and all writers because most of the buying public groups us all together.

So, stop giving your book away for free! At the very least, do the rest of us a favour and at least charge the bare minimum which I believe is $2.99. What do you think would happen if there were no more ebooks on Amazon for $0.00?

The buying public would pay to buy your ebook. I know, I know, it's a strange concept and idea but what choice would they have? In this society, an exchange of money/energy for a good or service is expected and anything offered for free may be consider suspect.

Now, this happens in other intellectual property areas as well. I'm also a film music composer and newbie composers are always offering their services for free. This has the same effect, as Directors and Producers begin to believe that this is the norm and balk at the real value of an original score from someone with experience and credentials. My point is that you're messing things up for the rest of us - so stop already!

2/ Reviews

Some bloggers advise you to give it away for free to obtain those all important reviews so the buying public has more to go on. And I agree. But where I disagree is how you go about this.

Most importantly, don't give your book away to everyone on sites like Amazon! Target your best reviewers with individual requests via email. If you do it correctly and politely, lots of reviewers will ask for your ebook or paperback. If you don't want to go through all the trouble then spend a few bucks on sites like BooksGoSocial who will hook you up with reviewers on NetGalley. I've used BooksGoSocial and was very pleased with the results - over 70 reviewers downloaded my ebook for review.

The site is secure so you don't have to worry about said 'SCUM' pirating your book.

That's it! That's all!

Stand in front of the mirror tomorrow, first thing. Look yourself in the eye and with conviction say, "I'm worthy. I have self-respect. I deserve to get paid for my work. I will change the price of my book for my own good and the good of all writers! And, I hope I never run into C.M. Hindmarsh in a secluded back alley! Whew!"

Doesn't that feel better?

Zombies - harbingers from the future

Don't worry, this isn't another boring blog post about the origin of zombies. Nor is it a post on how to re-invent the genre to sell more books. I mean, really, is there any genre that zombie writers haven't exploited? If I hear about another book about another zombie that's cuddly and adorable and just wants to be human again - I may just re-animate my lunch!

Where did it all go wrong? Zombies used to have deep political and moral roots, metaphors for the ills and perils of society. From a 17th century slave's fear of eternal damnation to the cute crime solving, brain munching IZombie of tv fame - it's taken a decidedly downward curve.

However, there have been a few highlights.

Wade Davis' 'Serpent and the Rainbow' was and is one of my favourites. Not only did it scare the crap out of me but it was based on some scientific truth and based in Haiti - supposedly the ground zero of the zombie legends.

Honourable mention also goes to Richard Matheson's 'I am Legend', Max Brooks 'World War Z' and the delightful M.R. Carey's 'Girl with all the gifts'. And yes, 'Get Out!' the film was a return to social/racial commentary but was not adapted from a book so I won't sing its praises in this blog.

Many monsters are deeply rooted in our human past and deeply rooted in our psyche. Vampires and werewolves, for example, go way back historically and that's probably the reason we can't seem to get enough of them. Personally, I can't wait to get my hands on the next vampire horror novel - it's a genre I never get tired of.

But zombies or undead if you will, don't have the same historic reach even though slavery has probably been a thing from the beginning - perhaps even before we were homo sapiens.

The reason and focus of today's blog is my premise that 'The Undead' are not from our past but from our future.

Time is a funny thing.

Some people, let's say the scientifically minded Newtonian types, believe that time moves in a linear direction. Past, present and future.

That view is very primitive and not very evolved. That view was probably invented so that the scientifically minded Newtonian types could breathe a sigh of relief as they proved, via linear time, that they did in fact, exist.

Those poor un-evolved bastards!

Enlightened, incredibly intelligent, creative beings like yours truly believe that time exists in one moment. The descriptors past, present and future are all occurring now. There really isn't past-life regression. There is a realization of myself in another timeline and in different circumstances. Imagine books stacked one on top of the other and you can imagine this moment.

Now, to be fair, there may be a few factors at work that keep all of our heads screwed on the right way. Being aware of the infinite numbers of timelines we experience in that one moment would be mind-blowing! I doubt that any one of us would have the ability to stay sane and whole during such an epiphany. So, we may be hard wired somehow to only experience one timeline at a time. And maybe we only have this restriction while on earth. The earth after all is a very strange place and I doubt there is another place like it.

But I digress.

Back to the future! (yes that was clever!)

Could the idea or reality of The Undead be burned into our DNA and our collective memories - so to speak? Deep down inside, do we instinctually know that the 'future' is the future of The Undead.

Obviously, I think this is true. This is one or the only time we know what's coming next and it scares the crap out of us. It would certainly explain the marriage of dystopia and humans that walk the earth - not quite dead but not really alive - that fills the pages of todays books and lights up the TV and movie screens. You can't really swing a politician(I like cats) without hitting something relating to zombies. They're everywhere!

So, then, what does the future hold and how do we get there?

Perhaps The Undead are already here.

I know I'll be showing my age when I say, young people these days are The Undead of the present. Not all of them of course - a few are aware and awake - but for the most part young people have interfaced with their devices. I'm not saying it's bad or good, I'm commenting as an observer. Personally, I can't stand using a cellphone for anything but text and actually calling someone. I don't like the idea of being available 24/7 or the fact that the government and it's corporate masters know where I am all the time and what kind of tea I ordered at the cafe.

But the young and undead don't seem to mind at all. You've all seen the pictures of groups of young people absorbed in their phones while something amazing is happening all around them and they seem oblivious. Or the one's where people walk while texting etc. and walk into hydro poles and pillars - pretty funny! lol

And there is scientific evidence that extended cellphone use has cancerous consequences and must on some level affect brain chemistry. So not only is being constantly online - mind numbing - the device itself may be accelerating the zombification.

While it's fun to poke fun at the young and undead, I really don't think this is the main message from our collective futures.

How we get to our undead future is happening now in our earthly experience of 'present'.

In many zombie tales, a scientific experiment gone wrong or an intentionally mutated strain of pathogen enters the environment and in very short order, most of the world's population is wiped out. Anyone left alive, has to fend off The Undead and The Undead are usually infectious. Good fun!

The current covid-19 pandemic(or plandemic) could shed light on why we know about The Undead from our genetic future memories. But please don't read this blog with dread. I do not want to add to the disgusting fear mongering of the mainstream media(deadstream media) who, in a more just world, would be on trial for crimes against humanity. And again, in my personal opinion, I don't see this coronavirus being the end of the world. But when I think about the current flu season and the governments over-the-top reaction, then the metaphorical Undead apocalypse becomes apparent.

Now, let's not kid ourselves, we all know that in every post apocalyptic story - it's the governments fault! So, let me start with the government. And I'm not singling out a specific government. Globally, they all seem to reacting the same way with very few exceptions. Sweden, of course, being one such abstainer and really can the Swedes do anything wrong with their scandalous Scandinavian good looks and common sense? Zlatan would say, "NO!"

The governments agenda seems to be focused on the dehumanization of the global population and not fighting a virus.

Social distancing is designed to keep us from socializing. Mask wearing is designed to remove all facial social clues and to remove our physical and personal individuality. Fartbook, twitter, youtube etc. have all adopted a Draconian censorship of anything that contradicts the virus narrative no matter how credible the information source may be. And in so doing, opinions, views and news have been homogenized to such an extreme degree that anyone with a differing view is ostracized. And not ostracized by the government but by his or her fellow man. The Governments must be laughing their asses off as the sheep have become the sheep dogs.

The Undead go about their day on autopilot. They don't socialize. They don't speak to one another. They've lost all sense of individuality and what it is to be human. When they see someone who is different, someone not undead, they try and turn them. And how do they turn them?

They eat their brains or infect them!

So, what other clues from the present might be the reason we have a future memory of The Undead?

In every good zombie story, there is always mention of the cure. The cure usually comes in the form of a vaccine and it's usually in short supply, very difficult to get your hands on and being controlled by either a black market war lord or you guessed it - the government.

Not so in my example, because my example isn't fiction.

The opposite is true in the world we live in today where governments team up with corporations and high profile software investors that have absolutely zero scientific credentials. (talk about a black market war lord!)

Governments of the 'present' would have you believe 'the cure' is right around the corner and from many different companies. There will be no scarcity as the same governments have ordered millions upon millions of doses of this fast-tracked untested miracle cure that has been developed over a matter of months rather than the usual decades.

The truth is way more entertaining than a fictional novel or short story.

The vaccine being developed uses RNA - something never before attempted in the history of vaccines. Is that an alarm bell going off?

The experts, who toe the company line, try and re-assure us that RNA has no effect on our DNA and flaunt the papers - they claim back it up. But that's just the government/corporate company line. In the January edition of Nature Genetics, the paper entitled 'm6A RNA modification as a new player in R-loop regulation' has the opposite view.

" it has now been revealed that RNA has a direct effect on DNA stability, according to Professor Klungland's research." from ,,phys.org https://phys.org/news/2020-01-rna-effect-dna.html

BTW, I found that article in exactly 2 minutes while searching on an alternative search engine rather than the agenda-ized google. There are hundreds, if not thousands of doctors, scientists and researchers with compelling evidence against an RNA vaccine but you will never find that information in the mainstream.

Zombie-riffic!

I hope by now you've clued in that what the government is selling - has nothing to do with reducing the effects of a seasonal coronavirus. This miracle cure has the potential to change your DNA and therefore change you. Do they want to turn you into a zombie, The Undead?

In a matter or speaking, yes.

Let's go back to 17th century Haiti and the legend that 'bokors' (Vodou witches) could re-animate a corpse and make it do anything the bokor commanded.

Today's bokor is the corporate controlled governments of the world. They want to use their black magic(coronavirus vaccine) to zombify and subjugate us to submit to their every whim. They want to dehumanize us to the point we are no longer self-aware and have lost the ability to reason - walking and breathing automatons. In short, they want COMPLETE CONTROL.

And in every good zombie story, there is a massive die-off.

If it normally takes 7 to 20 years to develop, test and do trials on the safety of a new vaccine then what hell will be unleashed from a vaccine that's been in the works for a few months?

The stage has been set for an Undead dystopic future of epic proportions.

I guess fact really is stranger than fiction.

There have been claims by the non-mainstream media and the deadstream that other elements may be added to the vaccine like nano technology. Of course the deadstream claims it's just for tracking and to fix future medical problems in the future. While the non-mainstream would suggest far more nefarious intent.

I don't give a rat's ass if you believe me or not. I'm not here to convince you of anything. I am here to voice my opinion, entertain you and perhaps inspire you.

Do I welcome an Undead future?

Not at all. I hope that the people of the world will awaken to the lies and deceit of governments we don't need. I am confident that you and I are more than capable of governing ourselves and creating a world of equality, creativity and responsibility.

The 'future' isn't written in stone nor is the 'present' or the 'past'.

One thing I feel we need to emulate from The Undead is the ability to rise up. It's time to push back and it's time to push back now. It's the creative visionaries of the world that always lead the charge in times of great change.

You have to decide which way you want to go.

Will you look back fondly, remembering when you saw through the Great Distraction and helped in the creation of a wonderful new world?

Or will you look at me longingly and groan, "brains."

The Horribly Incomplete DIY Publishing Guide - Part 64a11

A bit of a departure last week when I sent you all hidden messages in the form of a parable. Gee, I really hope some of you read it and got it and then thought deeply about it. But you were probably more interested in picking your nose and wiping your treasure under the couch. Which, I guess, is actually a time capsule of your nasal passages. Who knows who might clone you in the future? Unfortunately, I'm guessing a malevolent alien race who are either low on food or mating options.

But today I thought I would focus on getting reviews and then dealing with the results of those reviews which could either be glowing endorsements or scathing criticisms.

Reviews you snort, I don't need reviews!

Well, I've got news for you rookie - you need as many as you can lay your hands on and as soon as you can manage it.

Reviews are the bread and butter of the author. Careers are made or broken by favourable reviews and frankly, if you don't have any reviews - you have no sales.

Sure it's not a big deal if you are, in fact, a big deal. One of my favourite authors, Neil Gaiman, who I really admire, could probably wrap a cover around one of his turds and hit the best sellers list. Ditto for the likes of Stephen King or Anne Rice. I'll bet Anne's turd would have lace around it!

If you are just starting out, then the only people interested in your book is your family (maybe) or your dog or your cat. Your dog loves you unconditionally and your cat just wants to scratch it to bits - just to spite you.

You could publish your book on Amazon or Barnes and Noble etc and hope for the best. However, if an ebook could collect dust - that would be the only action related to your book that you could hope for.

A book without reviews is like a child without any friends.

Doesn't that make you feel sad?

So, how do we make friends especially when no one wants to make the first move?

You, the author, must take the first step.

The options are many.

Option 1.

Pay for a review.

There are a plethora of companies out there who are only too happy to write a review of your book for a fee. Be cautious as they may not be blatant and may lure you in posing as legit non pay-to-play reviewers. Personally, I have not paid for a review. It would seem, from doing a bit of research on the internet, that posting a paid for review is considered very bad form as anyone with a few bucks can get a review. You will be pooh poohed unmercifully by other writers and the book buying public. My advice is don't do it! You're better than that and no one wants to see a lot of pooh being thrown around.

Option 2.

Ask your family, friends and your dog.

This is trickier than you might think and it depends on which platform you publish on. For example, you can gift your ebook to people you know or people who have agreed to review your book on Amazon KDP. However, Amazon has very annoying algorithms that are finely tuned to sniff out any family hanky panky that might be going on. A review will be disqualified if the software detects some relation to the author even if everyone involved has a separate Amazon account. A case in point, my brother bought my ebook (bless him) and his review was disqualified. Our names don't match, as I use a pen name, but we officially have the same address. This however, is but the tip of the iceberg and you can read many forum threads and blogs to find out more.

Option 3.

Request a review.

There are websites that will provide you with a list of possible book reviewers. All you need to do is sort through them and then ask nicely for a book review. Again, be cautious.

Once you start sorting, you will find that many of the reviewers have no interest in your genre. You will also find that many reviewers have moved on to greener pastures but have neglected to tell the hosting website. I find this very aggravating but alas, this is the big leagues and you can't allow a few irritating moments to ruin your quest. One other thing that you will find out is that a large percentage of reviewers no longer accept review requests because they are swamped or some may refuse you because you've self-published. Snotty bastards!

If you are lucky enough to get a positive reply and you send in your paperback or ebook - be prepared for a long wait. It may take months. Be patient. Don't wait around for one or two reviews to come back! You need as many as you can get so keep making requests.

Option 4.

Sites like Goodreads. https://www.goodreads.com/

This is one of my favourites.

As an author, you can create an author page on the site and post your book and description and go on and on about how great you are. It's also free.

This is a very popular site with readers and should they buy your book, they can post reviews on Goodreads and rate you from 1 to 5.

This is also the place for anyone who didn't buy from Amazon to post their review. Another plus for this option is, let's face it, many people hate Amazon.

This is also a place for family and friends and your dog to post as no one cares about who is connected to whom. If you gifted your book, it's only fair that the receivers of that gift, post a review here.

Option 5.

Promotion sites like NetGalley. https://www.netgalley.com/

This one you have to pay for but it's different than paying for a review. There are companies that will promote your book and post it for you on sites specifically designed for reviewers wanting to review free books. Yes, you will be giving your book away for free but just to vetted reviewers. What? How does this work? It's quite simple. You send your ebook via these companies to a site like NetGalley which as far as I know is both trustworthy and secure. Reviewers have the option to download your book and send a review.

Have I explored this option? Yes, I just did and immediately got 5 reviews with another 50 or so forthcoming. So, I would say it's worth the money if you have a budget to do such things.

So, that's the nuts and bolts.

But what happens when you do get reviewed? How does one react one way or the other?

The short and best answer is - don't! Don't react at all.

When you do get a glowing review - you know when the angelic choir appears and people fight to anoint your feet! That's a great feeling and bask in that glorious light for at least a few seconds, then go take out the garbage and boil the kettle and get writing. A glowing review sure feels like you've been vindicated as a writer and as I have mentioned before - just getting your book out the door and published is a huge achievement.

Is that wonderful review really that wonderful? Who created the review and what are their credentials?

Unfortunately, the BRG, Book Reviewers Guild, does not exist. There are no membership dues or fees and there are no laminated cards reviewers can carry around in their wallets. The reality is that anyone, including that vindictive cat or yours, can write a book review. Of course, there are well respected reviewers and many people use their sage wisdom in order to decide which book to purchase and read next. Many of these sage reviewers are themselves writers and a favourable reviewer from such a book magi would certainly be a feather in your cap. But there are way more reviewers who have no such credentials. They could be stay-at-home Moms and Dads, stamp collectors, lawyers, students, insane asylum inmates - you name it - it's a hugely diverse crowd.

Getting a favourable review is a good thing as other would be book buyers see that as a good sign and it might sway them to take a chance on your book. Just don't get too excited until you get more and more favourable reviews then you will know it wasn't just a fluke or random occurrence. The more 4 or 5 star reviews you get, the more sales you will have and the higher your rating on reviewed book sites. Your book will show up more when people just search for top books in that genre or best-sellers.

What to do when you get a scathing or unpleasant review?

Again, do nothing. Don't react!

It's not a personal attack on your character or family tree! It's someone's opinion. We all have these things called opinions and that's what can make the world a more interesting place to live in. So, reviewer A couldn't get into your book - so what? Reviewer B said it's not my cup of tea. So what?

I mentioned scathing reviews earlier. Now, that I've been thinking about it more - you will rarely get a review like this. Most sites that post reviews would not allow someone to post their review if it was nasty in a personal way. It may happen but I doubt it.

What will happen though is a reviewer will focus on something in your book which is their pet peeve.

Case in point.

I personally like to use dialogue to shed light on the character of my characters. If my character is a redneck then his/her dialogue will reflect this and the character may speak with local inflections or using slang and misspelled words.

"I ain't goin ta pet yer cat cuz that sonbich bited me last time!"

I like reading this and it's fun reading aloud especially if you're reading to someone else. I knew before I published my book that this kind of thing was pooh poohed but I charged forward anyway, knowing that at some point people would focus on it. The general opinion online is that your published book should not have any grammatical or spelling errors in it. Now, you and I both know that even the most highly regarded writers have a spelling mistake or two in their books - we all miss one or two. I took great pains to proofread my work and get it proofread by others many times so there might be one or two spelling mistakes in my book but in general it's water-tight. And more importantly, the spelling mistakes and misspellings are intensional.

If the grammar and spelling Nazi's had their way, this is what my dialogue would sound like...

"I'm not going to pet your cat because last time, that little scamp, bit me!"

Zzzzzzzzzzz.

Quite a few reviews of my book, focus on these intentional spelling and grammatical anomalies. When I first read the reviews I was stymied and couldn't figure out what in the seven hells they were going on about? What seems perfectly obvious to me as an attempt to make your reading experience even more enjoyable is not obvious to others. Or perhaps I give people too much credit and they really are that thick. Who knows? And that my friends is the point. You will never know because you aren't going to react nor are you going to try and contact the reviewers to explain your intentions. It's over! Suck it up and move forward.

You just never know who the reviewer is and what their likes and dislikes are and whether they read your book while recovering from a rather nasty hornet attack.

Take it all in stride and be grateful that you are getting reviews. The reviews will help you with your writing. Great reviews result in great sales. Good and bad reviews aren't very helpful as they are inconclusive. But a shitload of poor reviews may mean that you need to rethink and re-imagine your next creative adventure.

It's totally up to you because you are DIY self-publisher. Happy writing and see you next time.

The wolf and the chihuahua - a parable for modern times.

A massive timber wolf and a chihuahua lounged by the gently breaking surf of an island paradise resort. They relaxed in their colourfully striped canvas backed chairs and soaked in the glowing sun and squished the pristine white sand between their hairy toes.

They sighed long and often as it had been a very traumatic year and for the first time in a very long time - they realized that they were calm and content.

“Could it get any better?” the wolf asked.

“Only if we had one of those cold fruity drinks with umbrellas!” the chihuahua replied excitedly.

The wolf blew a raspberry. “Those things are mostly sugar. Don’t you know your body is a temple?”

But before the very excited yappy little dog could reply, a strange thing happened.

At that exact moment, two humans laboured to push a cart toward the lounging pair.

They were dressed rather oddly for the beach. Both wore white lab coats and did not look happy and content at all. In fact they looked rather business-like and callous.

The cart turned out to be a bar cart and low and behold, two fruity drinks with umbrellas glistened on it’s cold polished metal surface.

The drinks reflected their surroundings. One was a deep blue - like the ocean, and the other a bright blood orange, like a setting island sun. The drinks looked delicious and thirst quenching and the glasses that held them were already sweating.

“Are those for us?” queried the wolf suspiciously.

“I want the blue one.” the chihuahua piped up.

The people in lab coats, a man and a woman, looked down at the drinks and then at the two loungers.

“Indeed, the drinks are for you but they come with conditions.”

The wolf looked quizzically at the chihuahua and vice versa.

“Conditions?” they simultaneously asked.

The man reached into his lab coat and retrieved a vial filled with a dark cloudy liquid, like the vitriol of a sorcerer's cauldron.

He held up the vial filled with viscous sludge and said, “You can have one of these drinks but only if you let me pour this into it first.”

The wolf and chihuahua frowned and looked skeptically at the man.

The wolf questioned the woman, “What’s in it?”

She shrugged unconcerned and replied, “I don’t know.”

The wolf questioned the man, “What’s in it?”

The man shrugged and replied, “I don’t know.”

The chihuahua couldn’t contain his excitement and yapped, “Who cares, I want mine now, gimme, gimme!”

The wolf was incensed and ignored his yappy friend. “What do you mean, you don’t know what’s in it? Didn’t you swear an oath?”

The woman chuckled.

The man smiled and said matter-of-factly, “Oh, I did swear a long time ago but I don’t care about that now. Every time I pour this liquid into someone’s drink and they drink it, I get paid by the people who made it.”

The wolf, now angry, chided the man, “But you have no idea what’s in it or what it will do to me!”

The man shrugged and grinned, “Paid a LOT of money!”

He then poured half the vial into the blue drink and half into the orange drink.

“There you go. Now drink it all up.”

The wolf and chihuahua gawked at each other and then the man and the woman.

The wolf took a deep breath to calm down and evenly said, “You’re a complete stranger who admittedly knows nothing about that liquid and you expect me to drink it?”

The woman and the man nodded, quite bored already.

The wolf continued, “What if that liquid makes us sick? We could sue you!”

The man looked down on the wolf with a superior air and flatly replied, “I don’t care if you get sick and you can’t sue me because the people who made the liquid are immune from prosecution.”

The wolf, now quite upset, growled, “THIS IS CRAZY! I WON'T DO IT!”

The chihuahua said nothing for a change.

The man sighed, as did the woman. The woman pulled out the key to the wolf and chihuahua’s hotel room and jangled it back and forth tauntingly.

“If you don’t drink all the liquid, we will take away your hotel room, room service and your plane tickets home.” warned the woman.

The man added, “And your livelihood.”

The woman also added, “And your freedom.”

The wolf spat, “You CAN’T do that!”

“But we can.” stated the man, “The people who control the liquid, control the beach.”

A commotion further down - said beach - interrupted the exchange. They all wondered what the noise and fuss was all about.

Another timber wolf loped along the surf toward the lounging wolf and chihuahua, man and woman. This wolf looked like it had been in many altercations as a big chunk was missing out of it's left ear. But the new wolf wasn’t the source of all the chaotic noise.

Surrounding the wolf were a group of yapping chihuahuas. They nipped at the wolf’s heels and badgered him mercilessly. They taunted and teased him as they gnashed their little teeth. He didn't have owners who fed him bonbons and tied his hair in ribbons when he defecated in the proper place. He was a nasty wolf who questioned everything and claimed he was free. Why he even thought the canine media was run by cats!

The chihuahua, lounging next to the wolf, jumped up and ran after the lap dogs and joined in their bullying of the other wolf. As he ran away, he called back, "I'll be back for my drink. I follow orders, I'm a good boy!"

The smug nurse turned to the wolf, still lounging, and said, "Looks like you're all alone."

"I'd rather be alone and free than wear a collar and lead."

The man raised his hand in reassurance, "Just take a few sips, I know you'll like it. We want everyone to take a drink. No one will be left out."

The fur on the wolf's neck bristled and he bared his formidable teeth, "And why should I trust you? Just because you wear a lab coat? How do I know you're telling the truth and have my best interests in mind?"

"Oh, come, come now. The Chihuahuas trust me. Don't you watch the canine media? Why some of my colleagues have the same status as rock stars. The chihuahuas hang on their every word." the man laughed.

The woman chimed in, "Don't rock the boat, life is much easier when you acquiesce into dependency."

The wolf noticed a change in the background sounds. The yappy dogs were no longer yapping.

The man and the woman smiled and said, "How wonderful!" in unison.

Racing across the sand on their tiny little legs, skipped the chihuahuas. Most of the yappy little dogs, frolicked and played with the man and the woman and tried ineffectually to jump up on their laps. Two of the chihuahuas ran over to the wolf, furiously wagging their tails.

One was the wolf's friend who jumped up on the bar cart and sniffed at the blue fruity drink. He winced at the first acrid taste but picked up his pace when he noticed the man was scrutinizing him with his arms folded in front of him.

The other chihuahua had a large piece of his left ear missing. This dog sat right in front of the wolf and looked at him sadly.

The wolf looked quizzically at the dog in front of him.

"Why do you look so maudlin? Has someone died?" the wolf inquired with concern.

Tears began to roll from the chihuahua's face and clump in the sand.

"I couldn't hold on. I caved into the pressure." the dog-eared dog cried.

The wolf, exasperated and only having so much patience for this or any chihuahua, snorted and asked, "What are you going on about? What did you do?"

The chihuahua shook it's head back and forth, "I took a drink."

It then lay down and rest it's little head on it's little foreleg and sighed mournfully.

The wolf tilted it's own head at an angle and said, "So you took a drink, big deal! You yappy little things do like your sugar."

The tattered eared dog looked up at the wolf and whispered, "Before I took the drink, I was a wolf just like you!"

The wolf shot out of the lounge chair in alarm, tail curled skyward and muscles taunt and ready and growled fiercely at the two humans in lab coats.

But they didn't cower. They didn't flinch. They didn't show any signs of fear at all.

In fact, the man in the lab coat smiled triumphantly at the wolf and spread his arms wide gesturing to the all the yappy dogs, "They were all just like you!"

The Horribly Incomplete DIY Book Publishing Guide - Part 37c

As we learned in Part 16, never trust a Faerie or book editor!

Today, I thought I would pick the rusty lock of the book cover and open the creaky door to peek inside. Oh, the horrors, we might find!

I won't go over subjects that I'm sure you already know, inside and out, and hopefully you can glean a thing or two from today's bloggery!

Yes, spell check, I know bloggery is not a real word but I quite like it and I call dibs for all eternity.

This is an example of a great book cover. Can you tell why?

The questions:

What are the elements of a great book cover?

My story/stories are fantastic and stand just fine on their own, do I really need to be concerned about the cover?

The excuses:

I'm not a graphic designer.

I don't have photoshop.

I'm a disgruntled book editor and you smell!

Okay, okay let's keep things civil. (find out who let that editor in here!)

Thankfully in this day and age, you don't have to be a graphic designer to create a magical book cover. However, you do have to possess a creative mind and have the ability to scour the internet for a great cover image idea.

Since you're an author or author to be, you can check off the creative box.

Finding the perfect image, illustration and photograph is by far, the hardest part of creating a great cover. Your cover must reveal, to the potential book purchaser, just what they might find inside said book. Therefore, it is paramount that you tell the truth and tell it in such an appealing visual way that your book sparkles like a diamond against a backdrop of dull charcoal.

Why did I say, tell the truth?

If you hoodwink, the potential book purchaser, into buying and reading your book and your cover is completely off the mark - you get a shite review! To be clear, if your book is about the history of stamp adhesive glue and your cover shows a picture of a scantily clad vampire licking blood off her fingers - then you have greatly missed the mark. This would be the lie of which I speak and this will forever dash your hopes of stamp adhesive stardom.

And why must your book cover sparkle like a diamond?

As I have repeatedly mentioned in other blogs, you are in competition with millions of other writers all vying for the same book reading pool. You have to stand out! The old adage that a picture tells a thousand words has never been more true. If you need a visual reference, just remember when you were free to roam around a book store and what did that brain of yours do? Via your eyes, your brain scanned the multitude of covers until it found a sparkling diamond. There were so many books to choose from that you couldn't possibly read all the covers and descriptions about what's inside. You had to make a choice based on your own personal likes and dislikes of visual imagery.

Here's an example of a great book cover. The colours, text and font choice are bang on and the image intrigues me. What the heck is going on here? I must know more.

It would be great if we could just judge a book on it's merits as a creative piece of literature. In the long run we do but at the outset, we judge a book by it's cover. And don't lie to yourself and say you don't! We all do and it's okay to admit it. Get over your high and mighty attitude and start thinking about how your book is going to catch my eye.

Where to find the sparkling diamonds?

I believe that the best place to start is your own cache or photos or that of your generous photographer friend. What better way to stand out than with an original photograph. Of course, it can't be just any fantastic photo. No, it has to relate to your subject matter and lure a potential reader/ purchaser in closer.

If you don't have an original photo of your own, don't fret as there are many options to discover and explore. So, let's go have a look at the internet.

WARNING! You cannot legally reuse or reproduce the intellectual property of someone else without their express permission. Not only is this legally unsavoury but in my opinion it's ethically forbidden.

The right and proper and legal way to use someone's intellectual property is as follows:

1/ Ask their permission and get that permission in writing(yes an email will do). This would usually be used for a photo or image you find that is not for sale by the creator but the creator will let you use on your book cover.

2/ Use advanced image search https://www.google.ca/advanced_image_search on the agenda engine Google. Using this tool provides you with many options for image searching and can limit the search to images that can be used freely and without legal ramifications. This is not fool proof however and do your due diligence by contacting the creator or their agent directly and asking permission.

3/ Wiki Commons. https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/Main_Page Supposedly, all images on this site are in the public domain. However, there are conditions for reuse - like attributing the image to it's creator where everyone can see it. I'm sure you've seen the small font on covers saying 'photograph by Joe Blow' etc - that's what I mean by attribution.

4/ Sites for artists to gain exposure. Pixabay comes to mind. https://pixabay.com/ You can use the images on this site for free and for any use including commercial, which you book cover is. All they ask in return is a little love by attributing the creator and pixabay and a social media plug. Now, if you want to go the extra mile, and you should, you can send a donation to the site or directly to the creator. The amount is up to you but just think of the karmic brownie points!

I'm sure there are more sources that I haven't mentioned or haven't heard of and if you know of such a place - please let us all know.

I can't stress enough that merely searching for an image in the public domain, does not guarantee the image is in fact in the public domain. Do your research and make sure you are legally in the clear.

So, now you have your glorious image and it's time to create the book cover.

How you go about this depends on a few things, one of which is which self-publishing platform you want to utilize and your level of skill as a graphic designer.

If you don't have such skills you can still use the templates provided by KDP. https://kdp.amazon.com/en_US/help/topic/G201113520 One of the main reasons I wanted you to go out and find that stellar image is to use KDP and hopefully you will see why it's so important.

If you did an initial search of the KDP templates, you might think that there were a huge variety to choose from. But this is just window dressing to hide the truth that your options are limited. Once you login and start looking around you will see that the number of templates dwindles down rapidly depending on the size of your book. My book size is 6 x 9 and there are

only a few templates that look decent. Thankfully, because you have sourced your awesome image already, this is not a problem at all. The spine and back cover can be one colour and look quite good so don't be too concerned about that but the front cover is what attracts readers and book buyers. It's easy to upload your photo into the templates and find the one that best works for you. You may have to do some resizing before you upload - especially if you find the cool parts of your image are getting cropped out. After the image upload, create your cover text etc and off you go. Fairly easy and very free!

An alternative to KDP is Ingram Sparks https://www.ingramspark.com/. Creating your smashing cover for Ingram Sparks is not easy! There is no easy to fill in template and in fact you must utilize graphic design software like photoshop to create your cover, spine and back cover. Ingram Sparks has their own proprietary pdf creator template that you have to use to upload your book - no exceptions. This requirement is rather unfortunate in that it will likely cost you some money to pay someone to create the pdf using your special image. If you have a friend who can help - sweet! If not try https://www.fiverr.com/ or a similar service site and it shouldn't make a huge dent in your budget.

At this juncture, I would be remiss if I neglected to talk about printers and colour.

Your gorgeous cover design looks terrific on your computer monitor. However, it might not look so great after digital printing at the print shop. Of course, your ebook isn't effected as it stays in the digital domain but if you plan on printing paperbacks, then your cover work isn't quite over yet. The culprit is the cmyk printers at said print shop which have a tendency to take the brightness out of your work and make it not only duller than you want but quite a bit darker. Here are three different proofs of my latest book to illustrate the problem.

The first book is the first proof from Ingram Sparks, the second is the adjusted proof from Ingram Sparks and the third is the first proof from Amazon KDP.

Let me comment on Ingram Sparks first. After my initial horror when I received my first dark and dull proof, I did some cmyk research and then tried to contact Ingram Sparks about the printing problem. That was 6 months ago and I still haven't received a response from Ingram Sparks. So, sadly, you are on your own! Luckily, I do have a graphic designer friend who was able to basically over-expose the cover image to compensate for the dark shadow like presence of cmyk printing. I think my friend nailed it and the paperback cover looks great(middle image). While I'm slagging Ingram Sparks, you should also know that each time you update your cover, you have to pay a fee. That's right - you get to pay to fix their printing errors which they won't admit to because they don't have the decency to respond to your queries. Oh, it's a wonderful world!

I just got the dark proof back from Amazon and I haven't had time to address that problem yet but at least my next cover upload will be free.

One more thing about proofs in general. I know that you might be at that point where your patience has dwindled and you are so excited, you can't wait to get your book published and out there. You might even consider foregoing the proofing process and hope that all goes well at the printers. I strongly advise against this! Remember, you are competing with millions of other writers and you don't want your cover to look just passable because of cmyk printing. Take a deep breath and make sure your cover is outstanding! It may take a lot longer but is well worth your time and effort.

This cover misses the mark for a number of reasons. The font style is odd, the font colour is odd and the black shadow isn't helping matters. The image doesn't tell me much at all. Could be about a pilot? A weekend getaway at the cottage? What hit the fan? Doesn't look like much of an aftermath?

As I mentioned, one of the characteristics of a great cover is the image that tells the reader - don't I look great and this is what you can expect inside - BUY ME NOW!

But what else?

Text, that's what!

The back cover and the spine are easy and not so important. You can never go wrong with white text on a dark background or vice versa. Just make sure there isn't an excessive amount of text on the back cover and that the justification is pleasing to the eye.

The front cover text should tell a potential reader the title, subtitle(if necessary), the author's name and perhaps a text teaser or any cool review quotes or awards you may already have received. But don't make it cluttered. Your font should also reflect what's inside. For example, if you were creating a book cover for Bram Stoker's Dracula, it would make sense for the cover text to be in a older pen and ink style font - because the book is actually a series of letters. See where I'm going? A sci fi novel would require a cool futuristic font.

An example of a great cover for a number of reasons. The image is worth a thousand words. Highways are usually desolate places and if this one is littered with the dead then you know some majorly dark happening has happened. The title text is clean and slim usually denoting the future. The authors text reflects his stature as a writer and something is a bit off - the degradation of the K and the I. And the colour choices allow the text to be easily read.

Speaking of legibility - Don't forget that your cover will not be full size on most websites advertising your book. Can you read everything on the cover even if the image is half size or smaller? If not make changes.

When you come right down to it, a great cover is admittedly subjective. When I searched for the best cover designs for 2020 or 2019, I was shocked by how many of the best cover designs I didn't like. In fact, I couldn't fathom their inclusion on the list. This proves my subjectivity point.

So, take my choices for good design versus bad design as just that - my subjective choices. And if by some very odd coincidence, I chose your book cover and didn't like it - please don't take things personally - it's just my opinion and do what you wish with my advice.

Wow me! Intrigue me! Make me stop at nothing to buy and read your book. But for heaven's sake, don't bore me or leave me scratching my head.

Good luck!

The Horribly Incomplete DIY Book Publishing Guide - Part 13.5

Is there anything more ghastly than letting someone else, besides you, touch your beloved creation?

Imagine how Dr. #Frankenstein would feel if some putz replaced the monsters human nose with a carrot?

Today's entry as you may have guessed is the horrifying truth about #editing.

Oh, God no! Do I have to edit CM?

Well, yes you do but don't do it while you write. Get your story out of your wee noggin and down on the page or computer screen and don't stop until it's all out. There will be plenty of time to edit later on and after you have had a break from writing. And enjoy your break! You've earned it and you need to rest up for the gruesome task to come.

And just why do we edit?

There are a number of reasons:

1/ Your brain is very subjective and stubborn.

Your manuscript might make perfect sense to you. However, to someone objective and not close to your work, it may be confusing, lacking context, rough around the edges and boringly long. Chances are, you have worked on your book for many long hours, days, weeks and perhaps even years. Your conscious mind no longer sees the errors you have made and in fact, thinks your work is humanity's salvation and destined for a #Nobel or #Pulitzer.

2/ Believe it or not, you're still human and make mistakes just like everyone else.

Personally, I have never read a book or watched a film that didn't have mistakes. Granted, they are usually quite small and inconsequential. My point is, that if a multimillion dollar film still has mistakes in it after hundreds of eyes and ears have scrutinized it - then your book doesn't stand much of a chance of being flawless.

3/ You run on and on and on.

We all do it and it sounds perfectly marvellous in our own minds because as mentioned, our minds are lying to us or no longer care. Readers do not enjoy run on sentences or monologues so it's time to put on your Jack Torrence from #theshining face and chop, chop, chop!

4/ Professionalism

You are in competition with millions of other writers. Make sure your creation looks and reads like you've been writing for decades and you do in fact have a Nobel or Pulitzer.

5/ Reviewers

Unlike your Mom or your dog or cat, no one in the literary world is going to blow smoke out your ass! Unless, of course, you deserve it. Reviewers are going to call you out and give you a scathing review if your work is filled with errors. Don't give them a chance! Edit your work within an inch of it's life.

Edit Yourself.

I started my writing career in the film world, writing scripts. The formatting is quite different, of course, but the big difference is that you let the visuals do the talking and keep your flowery descriptions of things to a minimum. Not so in the novel world of novels and short stories where your words magically set the stage. It was quite a shift for me to re-acquaint myself with the rules of literary writing for #theforgotten and re-learn those rules. A good writer knows the rules inside and out so that editing is rather easy and more creative rather than correcting.

The three horrid steps of book editing.

Step One.

So, your first round of edits should be yours. Here are a few of the things you should look out for:

Spell check.

Like your brain, you shouldn't believe spell check has your best interests in mind. It's a program and a useful tool and if you rely on it to catch all you're mistakes, yule get frustrated!

Punctuation is a biggie. There are entire books dedicated to the subject and I highly recommend reviewing the rules of punctuation before beginning your edit.

Watch out for the run on sentence. Our brains, yes the ones you can't trust, would rather read three short compact sentences than one long drawn out paragraph. Short and sweet conveys more action and keeps the mind focused.

Asides.

Shakespeare did it, so why can't you? I don't see anything wrong with a conservative and tasteful amount of asides as long as they contribute to the mood or what you are writing. If you're doing it just to be smart and sound clever - it's not worth the effort.

Real people and real names.

I see a lot of writers asking about this all the time in blogs, groups and forums. You don't have to be an intellectual property lawyer to understand the basics. All you need is a bit of knowledge and common sense.

While it may be fun to include a friend, family member or colleagues name in your work - be careful. You might think turning your boss into a demon is hilarious - your boss might feel differently. Using your bosses name is perfectly fine as long as you don't slander him or create a falsehood about him that he could prove was false in court. Let's say in your creation, he worships Satan and controls all his employees with blood magic. That would be slanderous and I would advise against it. However, if you really want to describe him thusly, just change his name to something close and/or describe him in such a way that your colleagues will clue in and have a good chuckle.

Ditto with public figures.

So, how many rounds of editing should you do?

When you can no longer find errors and the flow is delightfully smooth as is the pacing and your dialogue is spot on - then you are ready for the next editing step. In my personal edit of my latest book of short stories, I went over and over each story at least twenty times. So, if you think you are done, go over it again and I'll bet you'll find another change or two.

I like to print my manuscripts and go at them with a red marker. There's just something about editing on paper that increases my editing instincts.

And lastly, read your dialogue out loud to see if it sounds like a real person speaking. Even better read with a friend or an actor friend. The dialogue that sounds great on the page will sound very different being read aloud by someone other than your inside voice. Try it - you'll like it!

Step Two.

Friends, Romans - give me your eyes.

In this step, it's okay to have a friend, family member, dog or cat look at your book to catch any errors you may have missed. Just keep in mind that your dog loves you unconditionally and just wants to keep you happy. Don't expect an honest review from Fido!

And the cat? The cat will probably try and sneak in more errors just to spite you, so don't trust him or her.

But younger brothers are trustworthy so heed their warnings and advice.

Fix any errors in your work and make the appropriate changes.

Step Three.

The professional editor. Eep!

You mean - you want a complete stranger to mess with my manuscript?

The horror! The Horror!

Sadly, there's no way around it in this dog eat dog writing world. And if you want to sell some books and gain some credibility - you must let go of the reins. Now, how much you let go is entirely up to you and in part depends how much of step one and two you completed.

And just where do I find these editors of which you speak?

Let the fun begin! This may be the hardest part of your journey from idea to finished book. Good editors are extremely hard to find because of their goodness and their crazy busy schedules because they are so sought after. The better you are at editing and relationship building with your writers, the more you can charge as well.

Writers who are new to the writing business, might want to take a deep breath right now.

I can't say with one hundred percent certainty but you are probably going to have to pay for the privilege of letting a complete stranger mutilate your book. Okay, okay, maybe mutilate is a bit too harsh but I am horror writer. How about disembowel? Exsanguinate?

In truth, the editor will not really change a thing but will suggest how to change things to make your book better.

But won't those nasty editors have opinions of their own?

Why yes they do and that's why I asked you to take a deep breath.

The stakes have been raised.

Not only do you have to search for a good editor but when you find him or her, you have to decide if they are a good fit for you. Remember the rein pulling? I guess the goal of being a good writer and following my steps one and two to the tee, is to make sure the editor is left scratching his or her head wondering if there is anything that needs to be changed or anything that could improve the book. This is the sweet spot you should strive to be in.

Anyway, back to where to find these nasty creatures?

Word of mouth is ideal. Ask another writer who they use and get their details and don't forget to ask the writer - how they got on with the editor etc.

You can ask some groups etc on fartbook. You could dive into the piranha filled ocean of https://www.fiverr.com/ and perhaps get lucky. A brief note about fiverr. In my humble opinion, fiverr is a gamble. The folks who run the site don't do a very good job of vetting their service providers so although Jim or Jill advertised that they can juggle live chainsaws - ask to see their intact arms before you sign on.

On a positive note, fiverr may be the cheapest option for finding an editor. I personally, haven't dealt with any editors on the site and my experience with other service providers has been excellent, just okay and in one instance I had to lodge a complaint.

One more bit of nastiness before I tell you one of my editor #horror stories. You will get your manuscript back from the editor with tracking changes. I despise these abominations! Not because I am beyond making mistakes, it's just because I find them very messy, confusing and hard to read and I'm probably not very good at reviewing them and accepting or deleting the changes. Just saying.

CM's most horrible editing horror story!

Read it if you dare!

As I mentioned in previous blogs, I enjoy doing things myself and learning new things. Creating a book, I knew, would be an adventure and for the most part I enjoyed the experience. I created my manuscript, formatted it for ebook and paperback and created my own cover. I knew that I would have to give up the reins when it came to editing but I had no idea it would turn into a rather unpleasant fiasco.

I had a small budget of $500 which I though would attract someone with at least a little experience but knew a highly coveted editor was out of my league. But where to look?

As I also mentioned, fiverr is a crap shoot and I scanned the service providers but no one popped out at me. I thought, why not just plug in book editors in the former search engine Google(now an agenda engine)? Again, this was a crap shoot as I didn't know anyone's work personally nor did I have a friend or colleague who could vouch for their credentials. Fartbook? Perhaps not a general search but I decided to query my fartbook friends and perhaps a friend of a friend might show up and at least someone could vouch for them.

This method worked well, or so I thought. I soon had a few people to query but most turned out to be non-fiction editors or proof readers. I narrowed my search down to Jane Doe who was just starting out but had some experience and was in fact the editor of an author friend.

Eureka! I had done it.

We agreed that the best way to be sure we wanted to work together was for her to edit a sample chapter or in my case a short, short story.

Off she went.

I got the story back with the track changes(boo!) and everything seemed fine. She hadn't sucked the life out of my story and her suggestions weren't too bad. I could live with this.

So, we agreed to work together. The price was fine and we decided on a soft deadline as I was not in a big hurry.

Due to extenuating circumstances, she did not meet the agreed upon soft deadline. Not a big deal and I'm a compassionate man - so I extended the deadline.

Then the big day came, when my beloved rushed back into my arms. Poor thing was hardly recognizable - all covered in tracks marks! Where had she been?

I knew something was amiss when I got a gigantic email from said editor extolling my writing ability but hoping I didn't mind her social suggestions. Social suggestions? What the hell does that mean?

I sat down with a cup of steaming hot lapsang souchong - a most wonderful smoky black tea - and opened my edited book. And there they were, those treaded track changes! I shrugged, knowing there would be lots of them and knowing that good editors make good suggestions and I didn't have to accept any of them. So, I began to read the track changes and noticed they were very long winded and not brief and to the point. Yes, there were some excellent suggestions on run on sentences and a few words spell check had duped me into leaving alone. But the majority of the track changes were not typical editor comments! Oh no, they were in fact the social suggestions mentioned in the monstrous email.

Just a quick word about me and my character, morals and ethics. And I only write this because you have no idea who I am and what I stand for. My friends know. My colleagues know. But, you dear reader and the nasty editor have no idea.

I treat all people with respect and sensitivity no matter their race, gender or sexual preference. Not only do I write about the paranormal and horrific, I write about subjects that make people feel uncomfortable. Masturbation, prostitution, corporations, racism, alcoholism and many more and all things that happen on a daily basis in every community all over the world. I don't go out of my way to create sensationalism, I just tell it as it is.

So as it turns out, social suggestions, was just an interesting way of saying, "I'm the PC(politically correct) Police and you're under arrest!"

According to Sargent Jane Doe, I'm an uneducated redneck cretin that needs to enrol in a Community College political correctness course.

I knew I wasn't a cretin but I had to be sure. I asked my friends and colleagues, who had read my book, if any of these charges had merit. They assured me they did not and, in fact, I had done an exemplary job of dealing with such harsh and taboo topics with respect and sensitivity. They were also beside themselves at the thought of a professional editor stooping to such dark depths to promote their PC agenda.

Whew!

At this point, not only was there steam wafting from my lapsang souchong - it was shooting out from ears very cartoon-like. I did not react as you might think and start filling my plastic pails with goat urine with the intent of filling her car up. No, I learned long ago, when you are overcome with anger - let twenty four hours pass before you react or respond. And I did just that.

The next day, I sent a very professional but curt email explaining my horror at her very unprofessional use of my book to promote her PC agenda. I also mentioned she was the nastiest nasty editor I had ever dealt with I would be sure to tell all my friends and colleagues to avoid her at all costs. In my case $500 that I would have been wiser to just flush down the toilet. Did I pay her? I did. But only because I feared there might be legal ramifications down the road if I withheld her fee. A very costly lesson but one well worth it as I now can define what I'm looking for in an editor to a finer degree.

So, writer beware!

On with the blog.

By now, having followed steps one, two, three, you should have a manuscript that is ready to publish. You don't have to follow my steps or any advice I or anyone else might give you. You chose the self-publishing route for a reason and you should feel free to do whatever you damn well please! Break the rules! Break them again and again!

Go forth with courage and strength and give yourself a round of applause as you have gone farther than most people. How many people claim to be writers and have a self-published book to prove it? Not many I would wager.

You are a published author. Congratulations.

Now, get busy on your next book.

The Horribly Incomplete DIY Book Publishing Guide Part 13.5

Is there anything more ghastly than letting someone else, besides you, touch your beloved creation?

Imagine how Dr. #Frankenstein would feel if some putz replaced the monsters human nose with a carrot?

Today's entry as you may have guessed is the horrifying truth about #editing.

Oh, God no! Do I have to edit CM?

Well, yes you do but don't do it while you write. Get your story out of your wee noggin and down on the page or computer screen and don't stop until it's all out. There will be plenty of time to edit later on and after you have had a break from writing. And enjoy your break! You've earned it and you need to rest up for the gruesome task to come.

And just why do we edit?

There are a number of reasons:

1/ Your brain is very subjective and stubborn.

Your manuscript might make perfect sense to you. However, to someone objective and not close to your work, it may be confusing, lacking context, rough around the edges and boringly long. Chances are, you have worked on your book for many long hours, days, weeks and perhaps even years. Your conscious mind no longer sees the errors you have made and in fact, thinks your work is humanity's salvation and destined for a #Nobel or #Pulitzer.

2/ Believe it or not, you're still human and make mistakes just like everyone else.

Personally, I have never read a book or watched a film that didn't have mistakes. Granted, they are usually quite small and inconsequential. My point is, that if a multimillion dollar film still has mistakes in it after hundreds of eyes and ears have scrutinized it - then your book doesn't stand much of a chance of being flawless.

3/ You run on and on and on.

We all do it and it sounds perfectly marvellous in our own minds because as mentioned, our minds are lying to us or no longer care. Readers do not enjoy run on sentences or monologues so it's time to put on your Jack Torrence from #theshining face and chop, chop, chop!

4/ Professionalism

You are in competition with millions of other writers. Make sure your creation looks and reads like you've been writing for decades and you do in fact have a Nobel or Pulitzer.

5/ Reviewers

Unlike your Mom or your dog or cat, no one in the literary world is going to blow smoke out your ass! Unless, of course, you deserve it. Reviewers are going to call you out and give you a scathing review if your work is filled with errors. Don't give them a chance! Edit your work within an inch of it's life.

Edit Yourself.

I started my writing career in the film world, writing scripts. The formatting is quite different, of course, but the big difference is that you let the visuals do the talking and keep your flowery descriptions of things to a minimum. Not so in the novel world of novels and short stories where your words magically set the stage. It was quite a shift for me to re-acquaint myself with the rules of literary writing for #theforgotten and re-learn those rules. A good writer knows the rules inside and out so that editing is rather easy and more creative rather than correcting.

The three horrid steps of book editing.

Step One.

So, your first round of edits should be yours. Here are a few of the things you should look out for:

Spell check.

Like your brain, you shouldn't believe spell check has your best interests in mind. It's a program and a useful tool and if you rely on it to catch all you're mistakes, yule get frustrated!

Punctuation is a biggie. There are entire books dedicated to the subject and I highly recommend reviewing the rules of punctuation before beginning your edit.

Watch out for the run on sentence. Our brains, yes the ones you can't trust, would rather read three short compact sentences than one long drawn out paragraph. Short and sweet conveys more action and keeps the mind focused.

Asides.

Shakespeare did it, so why can't you? I don't see anything wrong with a conservative and tasteful amount of asides as long as they contribute to the mood or what you are writing. If you're doing it just to be smart and sound clever - it's not worth the effort.

Real people and real names.

I see a lot of writers asking about this all the time in blogs, groups and forums. You don't have to be an intellectual property lawyer to understand the basics. All you need is a bit of knowledge and common sense.

While it may be fun to include a friend, family member or colleagues name in your work - be careful. You might think turning your boss into a demon is hilarious - your boss might feel differently. Using your bosses name is perfectly fine as long as you don't slander him or create a falsehood about him that he could prove was false in court. Let's say in your creation, he worships Satan and controls all his employees with blood magic. That would be slanderous and I would advise against it. However, if you really want to describe him thusly, just change his name to something close and/or describe him in such a way that your colleagues will clue in and have a good chuckle.

Ditto with public figures.

So, how many rounds of editing should you do?

When you can no longer find errors and the flow is delightfully smooth as is the pacing and your dialogue is spot on - then you are ready for the next editing step. In my personal edit of my latest book of short stories, I went over and over each story at least twenty times. So, if you think you are done, go over it again and I'll bet you'll find another change or two.

I like to print my manuscripts and go at them with a red marker. There's just something about editing on paper that increases my editing instincts.

And lastly, read your dialogue out loud to see if it sounds like a real person speaking. Even better read with a friend or an actor friend. The dialogue that sounds great on the page will sound very different being read aloud by someone other than your inside voice. Try it - you'll like it!

Step Two.

Friends, Romans - give me your eyes.

In this step, it's okay to have a friend, family member, dog or cat look at your book to catch any errors you may have missed. Just keep in mind that your dog loves you unconditionally and just wants to keep you happy. Don't expect an honest review from Fido!

And the cat? The cat will probably try and sneak in more errors just to spite you, so don't trust him or her.

But younger brothers are trustworthy so heed their warnings and advice.

Fix any errors in your work and make the appropriate changes.

Step Three.

The professional editor. Eep!

You mean - you want a complete stranger to mess with my manuscript?

The horror! The Horror!

Sadly, there's no way around it in this dog eat dog writing world. And if you want to sell some books and gain some credibility - you must let go of the reins. Now, how much you let go is entirely up to you and in part depends how much of step one and two you completed.

And just where do I find these editors of which you speak?

Let the fun begin! This may be the hardest part of your journey from idea to finished book. Good editors are extremely hard to find because of their goodness and their crazy busy schedules because they are so sought after. The better you are at editing and relationship building with your writers, the more you can charge as well.

Writers who are new to the writing business, might want to take a deep breath right now.

I can't say with one hundred percent certainty but you are probably going to have to pay for the privilege of letting a complete stranger mutilate your book. Okay, okay, maybe mutilate is a bit too harsh but I am horror writer. How about disembowel? Exsanguinate?

In truth, the editor will not really change a thing but will suggest how to change things to make your book better.

But won't those nasty editors have opinions of their own?

Why yes they do and that's why I asked you to take a deep breath.

The stakes have been raised.

Not only do you have to search for a good editor but when you find him or her, you have to decide if they are a good fit for you. Remember the rein pulling? I guess the goal of being a good writer and following my steps one and two to the tee, is to make sure the editor is left scratching his or her head wondering if there is anything that needs to be changed or anything that could improve the book. This is the sweet spot you should strive to be in.

Anyway, back to where to find these nasty creatures?

Word of mouth is ideal. Ask another writer who they use and get their details and don't forget to ask the writer - how they got on with the editor etc.

You can ask some groups etc on fartbook. You could dive into the piranha filled ocean of https://www.fiverr.com/ and perhaps get lucky. A brief note about fiverr. In my humble opinion, fiverr is a gamble. The folks who run the site don't do a very good job of vetting their service providers so although Jim or Jill advertised that they can juggle live chainsaws - ask to see their intact arms before you sign on.

On a positive note, fiverr may be the cheapest option for finding an editor. I personally, haven't dealt with any editors on the site and my experience with other service providers has been excellent, just okay and in one instance I had to lodge a complaint.

One more bit of nastiness before I tell you one of my editor #horror stories. You will get your manuscript back from the editor with tracking changes. I despise these abominations! Not because I am beyond making mistakes, it's just because I find them very messy, confusing and hard to read and I'm probably not very good at reviewing them and accepting or deleting the changes. Just saying.

CM's most horrible editing horror story!

Read it if you dare!

As I mentioned in previous blogs, I enjoy doing things myself and learning new things. Creating a book, I knew, would be an adventure and for the most part I enjoyed the experience. I created my manuscript, formatted it for ebook and paperback and created my own cover. I knew that I would have to give up the reins when it came to editing but I had no idea it would turn into a rather unpleasant fiasco.

I had a small budget of $500 which I though would attract someone with at least a little experience but knew a highly coveted editor was out of my league. But where to look?

As I also mentioned, fiverr is a crap shoot and I scanned the service providers but no one popped out at me. I thought, why not just plug in book editors in the former search engine Google(now an agenda engine)? Again, this was a crap shoot as I didn't know anyone's work personally nor did I have a friend or colleague who could vouch for their credentials. Fartbook? Perhaps not a general search but I decided to query my fartbook friends and perhaps a friend of a friend might show up and at least someone could vouch for them.

This method worked well, or so I thought. I soon had a few people to query but most turned out to be non-fiction editors or proof readers. I narrowed my search down to Jane Doe who was just starting out but had some experience and was in fact the editor of an author friend.

Eureka! I had done it.

We agreed that the best way to be sure we wanted to work together was for her to edit a sample chapter or in my case a short, short story.

Off she went.

I got the story back with the track changes(boo!) and everything seemed fine. She hadn't sucked the life out of my story and her suggestions weren't too bad. I could live with this.

So, we agreed to work together. The price was fine and we decided on a soft deadline as I was not in a big hurry.

Due to extenuating circumstances, she did not meet the agreed upon soft deadline. Not a big deal and I'm a compassionate man - so I extended the deadline.

Then the big day came, when my beloved rushed back into my arms. Poor thing was hardly recognizable - all covered in tracks marks! Where had she been?

I knew something was amiss when I got a gigantic email from said editor extolling my writing ability but hoping I didn't mind her social suggestions. Social suggestions? What the hell does that mean?

I sat down with a cup of steaming hot lapsang souchong - a most wonderful smoky black tea - and opened my edited book. And there they were, those treaded track changes! I shrugged, knowing there would be lots of them and knowing that good editors make good suggestions and I didn't have to accept any of them. So, I began to read the track changes and noticed they were very long winded and not brief and to the point. Yes, there were some excellent suggestions on run on sentences and a few words spell check had duped me into leaving alone. But the majority of the track changes were not typical editor comments! Oh no, they were in fact the social suggestions mentioned in the monstrous email.

Just a quick word about me and my character, morals and ethics. And I only write this because you have no idea who I am and what I stand for. My friends know. My colleagues know. But, you dear reader and the nasty editor have no idea.

I treat all people with respect and sensitivity no matter their race, gender or sexual preference. Not only do I write about the paranormal and horrific, I write about subjects that make people feel uncomfortable. Masturbation, prostitution, corporations, racism, alcoholism and many more and all things that happen on a daily basis in every community all over the world. I don't go out of my way to create sensationalism, I just tell it as it is.

So as it turns out, social suggestions, was just an interesting way of saying, "I'm the PC(politically correct) Police and you're under arrest!"

According to Sargent Jane Doe, I'm an uneducated redneck cretin that needs to enrol in a Community College political correctness course.

I knew I wasn't a cretin but I had to be sure. I asked my friends and colleagues, who had read my book, if any of these charges had merit. They assured me they did not and, in fact, I had done an exemplary job of dealing with such harsh and taboo topics with respect and sensitivity. They were also beside themselves at the thought of a professional editor stooping to such dark depths to promote their PC agenda.

Whew!

At this point, not only was there steam wafting from my lapsang souchong - it was shooting out from ears very cartoon-like. I did not react as you might think and start filling my plastic pails with goat urine with the intent of filling her car up. No, I learned long ago, when you are overcome with anger - let twenty four hours pass before you react or respond. And I did just that.

The next day, I sent a very professional but curt email explaining my horror at her very unprofessional use of my book to promote her PC agenda. I also mentioned she was the nastiest nasty editor I had ever dealt with I would be sure to tell all my friends and colleagues to avoid her at all costs. In my case $500 that I would have been wiser to just flush down the toilet. Did I pay her? I did. But only because I feared there might be legal ramifications down the road if I withheld her fee. A very costly lesson but one well worth it as I now can define what I'm looking for in an editor to a finer degree.

So, writer beware!

On with the blog.

By now, having followed steps one, two, three, you should have a manuscript that is ready to publish. You don't have to follow my steps or any advice I or anyone else might give you. You chose the self-publishing route for a reason and you should feel free to do whatever you damn well please! Break the rules! Break them again and again!

Go forth with courage and strength and give yourself a round of applause as you have gone farther than most people. How many people claim to be writers and have a self-published book to prove it? Not many I would wager.

You are a published author. Congratulations.

Now, get busy on your next book.

The Horribly Incomplete DIY Book Publishing Guide - Part 5

As you learned in Part 4, reacting to a bad review by filling the reviewers car with goat's urine or American beer is probably a bad idea. But only if you get caught!

Today in Part 5, I want to discuss one of the basics of DIY #bookpublishing and that's 'where to sell your book?'

After all the blood, sweat and tears you spent writing your baby, where do you want to post it for sale. Who do you trust? How much money do you have in your wallet? Is there any danger of being splashed with goat urine? The answer to the last question is maybe.

Again, I warn you that I am by no means an expert on DIY book publishing. I merely, want to relate my experience to help those who may benefit from my journey and mistakes that were made. So, if you are an inexperienced DIY book publisher or you haven't yet begun then read on.

Why on earth would you want to self-publish and do it all yourself? So many reasons! Perhaps you're a history aficionado and miss the good ole days of public floggings or getting pelted with rotten vegetables while fully secured in the stocks?

Perhaps, you're financially challenged and trying to publish on a budget? You're bored out of your mind? Or if you're like me, you're one of those people who would rather figure things out by yourself rather than be lead along by the hand - while the other hand empties your bank account?

I've always preferred the rush and thrill and satisfaction of DIY! Whether that be music or video software or building an inquisition era replica stockade. I find the process quite fun and as long as I have the time, that's the way I roll.

When I first thought about DIY self-publishing, I naturally searched the internet and man oh man are there ever a ton of websites, blogs and articles. One could spend days, reading through the plethora. Some sites are great and very helpful, others not so much and others counter intuitive and contradictory. But what I did get was a sense that I could do it. I could, in fact, self-publish my book and with all the information on the internet, it would be easy.

For any authors out there with some life experience - remember The Brady Bunch? Remember when Jann used to whine, "Marsha, Marsha, Marsha!" Well, just replace Marsha with Amazon.

"Amazon, Amazon, Amazon!"

#Amazon was and is everywhere and one would think that it was the only place to sell your book. And so they would have you believe.

The Amazon model (KDP) https://kdp.amazon.com/en_US/ is very appealing. Publish both your ebook and paperback with us with no muss and no fuss and for free. Pretty good so far.

As I Canadian, I get to brag that Canadians don't have to pay for an ISBN(International Standard Book Number) - we get them free with a coupon for Tim Horton's and a steaming bowl of poutine! As many ISBN's as we want(maniacal laughter)!

Anyone, in the US has to pay for an ISBN and through the teeth!!

This is where Amazon really lures you in - think King Cobra mesmerizing it's prey! Amazon has their own ISBN-like number called an ASIN(Amazon Standard Identification Number) and it's free. This is both good and bad. Good for the pocketbook but bad if you want to sell your paperback in a bricks and mortar bookstore because their ASIN won't work like an ISBN.

Another perk from Amazon is their very limiting but functional book cover creator which is also free. I recommend that you either create your own cover and then load it into the Amazon cover templates or get a graphic designer to create one for you. The cover is tricky for a DIY oriented person because of all the stringent printing measurements and restrictions. So invest some time in learning about covers because your cover speaks volumes and I'll talk more about that in another blog.

If you don't know a graphic designer but you want to spend some money to create a great cover - I recommend checking out https://www.fiverr.com/.

So, Amazon seems from the outset to be a pretty good one stop shop and the KDP site offers lots of tutorials and videos. They also have a community question and answer section where you can bitch and complain with thousands of other KDP users.

One other thing that might interest you, is that you can also decide if you want your book to appear in other markets, like the UK, Australia etc. You can and this is also free and quite easy to set-up.

Does Amazon have a monopoly on self-publishing CM - you might be asking?

The answer is no, not at all.

However, to go elsewhere, you will have to pay to play.

Personally, I had some issues and frustration with Amazon, some of which like shipping my paperback took 6 months to sort out. I will go into more detail on another blog.

At this point I should point out that you need to think about who will be reading your book and what format they will be reading on.

I have found that most of my friends and many colleagues, cringe at the idea of reading an ebook. Even more cringe-worthy is the idea of supporting a company such as Amazon.

Learning this took the wind out of my sails as I had never thought about their preferences. It had never occurred to me that they might want alternatives or the ability to choose which company to support. And as I mentioned, I was having trouble getting my paperback out the door. So, back to the internet and more searching and I found many people talking about Ingram Sparks.

#IngramSparks offers a similar model but you have to pay to get started and set-up. It's not a huge investment but the sum increases if you don't have your ducks all lined up in a row. For example, every time you change something on your book, you pay for the update service.

Anyone, but Canadians, will have to buy an ISBN to use Ingram Sparks. And you have to buy one for each format. For example, you need an ISBN for the ebook and another for the paperback.

Like Amazon, Ingram Sparks https://www.ingramspark.com/ will publish your book and ebook in one no fuss no muss procedure but unlike Amazon, your cover must be uploaded as a PDF and in a very specific format. If you are not a graphic designer who is familiar with book publishing - don't even attempt this. There isn't a cover template tool like there is on Amazon, so chances are you are going to have to shell out some doe on cover design.

Now here's the good part.

Ingram Sparks opens up many doors you cannot open on Amazon.

You can now sell your book on Nook, Apple Books, Kobo and Barnes and Noble - just to name a few. And actual brick and mortar bookstores can order your book from Ingram Sparks from their catalogue and stuff their bookshelves with your book.

Woohoo!

Your readership now has options on where to purchase your book and most importantly from whom.

Now, I haven't covered all the other alternatives out there as my experience is limited to Amazon and Ingram Sparks. So, have a look at the other sites and do your own investigation.

In upcoming blogs, I will explore more DIY self-publishing topics, but today I just wanted to get you thinking about your readership, financial outlay and options to get your book out there and exposed to as many folks as possible.

Until next time, happy writing and self-publishing and stay in the shadows and away from the cctv cameras with your buckets of goat urine!