Jeff Strand's Blog, page 68
January 8, 2015
Introducing Chaos!
This is Chaos, the newest source of evil in the Strand household. He’s smart, snuggly, and eats about 850 times his body weight in cat food��each day, so I need those book royalties more than ever…
January 5, 2015
A Fun Joke For The Kids
Hi, kids! This blog post is for you. Sometimes you want to tell a joke, but your intention is not to amuse, but to annoy. Here’s one just for you!
YOU: What’s worse than finding a worm in an apple?
OTHER PERSON: What?
YOU: Finding half a worm!
OTHER PERSON: Ha ha!
YOU: What’s worse than finding half a worm in an apple?
OTHER PERSON: What?
YOU: Finding a quarter of a worm!
OTHER PERSON: Hmm.
YOU: What’s worse than finding a quarter of a worm in an apple?
OTHER PERSON: I don’t know.
YOU: Finding an eighth of a worm!
This joke goes on for as long as you can stretch it out. There is no final��punchline. No reward for the listener’s��patience. How far can you take it? A sixty-fourth of a worm? A two-hundred-and-and-fifty-sixth of a worm? Report back!
January 4, 2015
Why I Don’t Play Video Games
Because I don’t have time.
Do I have time to play video games for, say, twenty minutes before bed?
Sure!
Do I have time to play video games for seventy-nine hours straight, skipping work and abandoning personal hygiene, surviving on Mountain Dew and potato chips, eyes bloodshot, a thick line of drool dangling from the left side of my face, communicating only in grunts?
No.
Unfortunately, only one of those scenarios in a possibility.
So I don’t play video games.
January 2, 2015
Interstellar
Last night I saw Interstellar and loved it. It further cements Christopher Nolan’s reputation as one of our finest filmmakers.
There was one weird creative decision that I didn’t understand. Why, through so much of the movie, was there a three-year-old child screaming in the background? In the early scenes, I guess it made sense: there could have simply been a screaming three-year-old somewhere in their house. But later in the film, they’re out in space, and the film still had that bratty little kid in the background! Why? What was Nolan trying to say? Will it be addressed in the deleted scenes on the Blu-Ray?
Again, it was an excellent movie. I just don’t get why filmmakers would add the sounds of a horribly behaved child to scenes where, logistically, it made no sense. Maybe it was just too deep for me.
EDIT: Some readers have suggested that the kid was, in fact, in the movie theater and not part of the actual film. C’mon, readers…really? Do you really think that parents would bring a three-year-old child to a late-night showing of Interstellar and just let the kid wail away? Let’s be realistic.
January 1, 2015
Welcome to 2015!
We made it! It’s 2015!
2014 was my most prolific publishing year ever, although it’s really because a couple of books had very long timeframes between being written and being published, and some had very short timeframes, so they all kind of bunched up in one year, making it look like I was some crazed whirlwind of productivity even though I really wasn’t.
Still, the year brought my young adult comedy I Have A Bad Feeling About This, my romantic road trip comedy Kumquat, my werewolf sequel Wolf Hunt 2, my really weird novella Facial, and even a mini-collection, the Dead Clown Barbecue Expansion Pack, which I published because I wanted to make sure my story “Gave Up The Ghost” came out in time for the movie.
Yes, there was a movie! Gregory Lamberson directed a 20-minute short film from my screenplay for the anthology film Creepers. I’ve seen it several times on the big screen and various film festivals and I love the crap out of it.
What’s in store for the new year?
Well, I know that I’m writing another young adult comedy novel for Sourcebooks, called The Greatest Zombie Movie Ever, but that won’t be published until early 2016.
Beyond that? I don’t know. I’d like to be one of those authors who is able to nail down their schedule for the next five years, but I’m a “multiple project juggler” kind of guy, and at least half of the stuff I’d announce would be inaccurate.
This morning I sent out a proposal for an action/adventure comedy novel. Will anything happen with it? Maybe…
I’ve got almost enough material for a new book-length collection of short story reprints…but several of them haven’t even been published in their original homes yet. So that’s another 2016 project. But I’m also toying with the idea of a collection entirely comprised of brand-new material…
Kumquat was a tough sell for somebody who is primarily marketed as a “horror writer,” but it got the best reader reactions of any book I’ve ever written. I can’t imagine that there won’t be another romantic comedy in my future…
There’s gotta be another horror/comedy novel in there somewhere, right? Yep! What’s it about? Dunno.
Will there be a fifth Andrew Mayhem book? Wolf Hunt 3? Yes. Will I write them this year? Maybe…
I came up with a great idea for a novel about a week ago. I tend to write short books, but this one would be 500-600 pages. I haven’t written a single word of it. Will it be a 2015 project? Maybe…
Stay tuned to this website for the answers. Happy New Year, everybody!
December 23, 2014
Scholastic’s BAD FEELING
These may look like ordinary copies of I Have a Bad Feeling About This, but these are actually the Scholastic Book Club edition! If you are currently a kid or ever were one, you know that the Scholastic Book Club is the most awesome thing ever, so I’m thrilled to be part of the January 2015 catalog.
Teachers, this is your chance to be ever so cool…
December 21, 2014
A Bit of Christmas Mayhem
The rarely updated “Free Story” page of my website has been updated with a free story! Check out “A Bit of Christmas Mayhem.”
December 20, 2014
A Double Dose Of New Kindle Releases!
December 17, 2014
Welcome to Gleefully Macabre!
Welcome to my website! Whether you were brought here by interest in my work or a Google search gone terribly wrong, I encourage you to hang around and start clicking away!
The hardcover limited edition of Wolf Hunt 2 is now available for pre-order! Get it from Dark Regions Press or the paperback edition from Amazon. Or get it for your Kindle!
My new novel, Kumquat, is now available! Get the Kindle edition or the print edition from Amazon!
My new young adult comedy, I Have A Bad Feeling About This, is now available at the brick-and-mortar bookstore or online retailer of your choice! Being a young adult is not a requirement to read the book.
My second short story collection, Dead Clown Barbecue, is now available! Twenty-nine stories! 90,000 words of material! Get the Kindle edition for $3.99 or the paperback/deluxe hardcover editions from Dark Regions Press.
My novella Kutter is now available for your Kindle or Kindle app. Enjoy the delightful tale of a serial killer and his Boston terrier from Amazon.
(P.S.: People who leave reviews on Amazon deserve great big hugs!)
Friend me on Facebook ! Follow me on Twitter ! Like my Facebook Fan Page! Friend me on Goodreads!
November 20, 2014
Buffalo Dreams Fantastic Film Festival
NOTE: This recap is ridiculously late, so when I say “Well, I’m back” in the next paragraph what I really mean is “Well, I got back a week and a half ago.” Also, any feelings of sadness about having to leave Buffalo were obviously felt before the area got buried in a trillion feet of snow.
Well, I’m back from the Buffalo Dreams Fantastic Film Festival, where I got to have authentic Buffalo wings twice! I was mocked by festival co-chair Gregory Lamberson for the way I neatly stacked the bones, and then, after the photographic evidence of my OCD hit Facebook, I was demonized for leaving too much meat on the discarded wings. This made me all self-conscious the second time, though it did not decrease my enjoyment of the tangy deliciousness that is a genuine Buffalo wing. Nom nom nom!
[Note: I did not actually say "nom nom nom" after consuming the wings, because I was dining with other professionals.]
I attended the festival last year, and, if such a thing is possible, this year was even more fun. The selection of films was extremely strong, with a hit-to-miss ratio that was waaaaayyyy in favor of the hits. Officially, I was there for the screening of Gave Up The Ghost, which I wrote, and Chomp, on which I did lots of glamorous things including wiping up fake blood from the floor of a garage.
Before the actual movies began, I got to meet mega-fan Kimberly and sign a bunch of books for her, including the paperback of Wolf Hunt 2, which I was seeing for the first time. I wanted to ask for a few moments to be alone with my newest novel, but that would have been creepy and impolite, so I just signed it. I gave a copy of I Have A Bad Feeling About This to her third-grade son Bryan, which I’m told has now introduced the word “wuss” into his vocabulary, where it currently plays in heavy rotation. For that I apologize.
Friday night’s features were a sold-out world premiere of The Romans, and, after the very funny short The Heebie-Jeebies, the USA premiere of Six Bullets To Hell, an homage to spaghetti westerns, complete with bad dubbing. It completely nails the homage aspect, but it’s not a spoof or even a tongue-in-cheek approach; the movie is played straight, and as a no-nonsense, farmer-seeks-revenge-on-the-bandits-who-killed-his-wife western, it works beautifully. Great stuff. On the way to the venue, I was squeezed VERY tightly against star/co-director Tanner Beard, so feel free to writhe in jealousy, ladies!
Saturday began with a couple of wildly entertaining shorts, Teasers and Killer Kart (I don’t care if it’s a goofy comedy–those shopping carts are kind of freaky!), and then Call Girl of Cthulhu, a horror comedy packed full of laughs, gore, and nekkidness. Gave Up The Ghost had played before Cthulhu one at the Eerie Horror Film Festival just a couple of weeks prior, but I wasn’t there, because I can’t be EVERYWHERE, all right?
The next programming block began with Jerry (Blood Marsh Krackoon) Landi’s Demonic Frequency. I do not typically describe people as “a hoot,” but my wife describes Jerry Landi as a hoot, and if anybody is a hoot, it’s him! Next was the USA premiere of The Drownsman, a micro-budget feature that looks like it could be a multi-million dollar studio flick. It’s well-written, well-acted, scary, suspenseful, and would probably make gobs and gobs of money if it went out in a wide theatrical release.
Gave Up The Ghost played next. I’d seen it already.
But Bram Stoker Award-nominated author Patrick Frievald and his wife Meghanne (aka The Redhead™) showed up with gifts of homemade pepper jelly and chili-infused honey that Patrick made with his own bees! Absolutely delicious, and I’m not just saying that because Patrick commands his own bee army.
And that’s not all! Alex Khassanov and his son Pavel were there. I’d met them for the first time in person earlier this year at a zombie movie marathon in Tampa, and they brought me an unspeakably awesome paddle decorated in a Sinister Mr. Corpse theme. This time, Pavel did a companion panel for Lynne in honor of Chomp (with a bite taken out of it). You may think I’m exaggerating how great these paddles are, but when I post pictures in an upcoming blog, you’ll say “Yep, those are cool as hell. I wish I too had a custom-made paddle by Pavel Khassanov! It’s just not fair! It’s…just…not…fair!” [Primal wail of anguish.]
I loved Brett Kelly’s My Fair Zombie last year, and my obsession with the Zucker/Abrahams/Zucker spoof movies (The Naked Gun) was how I spent all my free time in the years before Facebook. So, Spyfall, a ZAZ-style spoof of James Bond movies was a pretty easy sell for me. This one is cheerfully silly, maintains a steady joke pace from beginning to end, and has a couple of huge laughs that brought the house down. Turtle licking has never been so hilarious.
Chomp was next. We’d seen it at a couple of film festivals already, but this was by far the best it had ever looked on-screen, and the audience loved it.
The Incident / El Incidente – Greg Lamberson had been hyping this one up in a huge way, but my high expectations were tempered a bit by the fact that I’m not a huge fan of movies that can be described as a “mindf**k.” Sure, I love weird movies; just not movies where you spend the whole time going “Huh?!?” El Incidente is definitely a bizarre movie, but the characters are completely relatable and behave in a plausible manner to the strange situation they’re in.
The less you know about this movie, the better, so I’ll just say that it’s about two sets of characters (one group in a stairwell, one group on a road) who find themselves trapped in an “infinite loop.” Not quite like Groundhog Day. More like being in a cheaply made cartoon and saying “Hey, didn’t we already pass that table in the background?”
This is one intense, anxiety-inducing movie. Audiences at film festivals are usually more polite than the average movie-going audience (here in Florida, the experience of watching a movie without some jackass talking through the whole thing simply does not exist) but this audience was dead silent and fully engrossed. Director Isaac Ezban, a delightful guy, had so many questions at the Q&A that we could’ve been there all night. Yes, one of those questions was “Do you think you could make a movie in English? Those subtitles were distracting,”…but apart from that, it was a fascinating Q&A and a great way to end the evening.
Sunday began with Army of Frankensteins. We spent a lot of time with director/co-writer/co-producer Ryan Bellgardt and co-writer/co-producer/cinematographer Josh McKamie during the festival, and they’re great guys. Sometimes this causes awkward moments, where you’re at a writer’s conference or film festival and you meet somebody cool, but then you read their book or watch their movie and suddenly you’re desperately trying to think of something nice to say about it. That didn’t happen here. Army of Frankensteins is an absolute blast!
It passes my standard test for this kind of film, which is: “Would you purposely watch a movie called Army of Frankensteins?” If the answer is yes, then you’ll love it. If you wanted to see the new Nicholas Sparks movie and your significant other dragged you to Army of Frankensteins instead and you were all like “This is sooooooo beneath me!” and you were pouting through the previews and rolled your eyes when the title came on screen, then it’s possible that this film won’t work for you.
It’s very funny, inventive, fast-paced, action-packed, unpredictable, surprisingly well acted, and fun from beginning to end. The special effects are cheesy, but they totally work for the movie, and from the perspective of what they managed to pull off on a budget that is .03% of that of The Avengers, they’re positively mind-boggling. And despite all of the head-crushings and gore galore, it’s a surprisingly innocent, good-natured movie. No spoilers here, but Abraham Lincoln’s final moment is genius.
I’d seen so many great movies by this point that I would never have expected that the best was still to come, but Alex Drummond’s The Shower was my favorite movie of the festival. A bunch of struggling actors and writers gather at a friend’s home for a baby shower, and then something starts turning people into homicidal maniacs. Not in a frothing-at-the-mouth 28 Days Later way–they retain their personality, except that there’s now an additional layer of wanting to be a sadistic killer.
The Shower starts off by making fun of its characters, but the movie actually has a great affection for them. Shaun of the Dead has that late moment where you realize that it’s having much more of an emotional impact than you would’ve ever expected, and the same is true here. I was really rooting for our heroes to get out of this mess. It’s not a rapid fire joke-joke-joke comedy, but it has lots of laughs throughout and the performances are great. Lots of edge-of-your-seat suspense throughout.
On Facebook I posted that this was my favorite horror/comedy since Tucker & Dale Vs. Evil. Then I thought, wait, what about You’re Next? But You’re Next loses points for that horrible, horrible shaky-cam, whereas in The Shower (whose shots were almost all filmed in one or two takes) all of the action sequences are perfectly coherent! It’s exactly the kind of movie you hope to see at a film festival like this; something where you want to grab people and scream, “You HAVE to see this!!!”
The awards ceremony was next, where Lynne Hansen won the Filmmaker to Watch award, and cried during her acceptance. A lot.
After that, the call for Buffalo wings couldn’t be ignored…well, at least not until after John Renna and Julian Dickman’s short film Sepulcher. It’s the zombie apocalypse and five co-workers trapped in a room decide (well, some of them do) that there are better ways to die than being ripped apart by the living dead. The suicide logistics are not as easy to work out as you might think. Hopefully next year at this time I’ll get to see John Renna and Sam Qualiana’s feature Dick Johnson & Tommygun Vs. the Cannibal Cop.
The festival had another four days left, so I didn’t get to see Drew Bialy in Road Test on the big screen, though my blurb (“Laugh-out-loud hilarious!”) did make it onto the poster. I’d seen it before Drew was cast in Gave Up The Ghost, and you can see it here, with the WARNING that it contains A LOT OF CURSING.
And so we departed Buffalo, sad to leave, thinking, “Y’know, it wasn’t as cold as it was last year, and there was no snow–we should’ve stayed another couple of weeks! Nothing bad could have come from that!”
Big-time thanks to Greg Lamberson and festival co-director Chris Scioli, for putting on a show that is easily one of the best I’ve ever attended. Lots of people agree with me. Bookmark the official site and make plans for 2015. You too can make fun of the way I stack bones!
