Marbeth Skwarczynski's Blog, page 8

Writing for Cows

My husband drives for Uber, and one of the perks of working for that company is the weekly challenges. When drivers complete a set number of rides, they get a bonus. Sometimes the bonus is significant, sometimes, not so much, but every little bit helps.

Because we’re both fans of Bob’s Burgers, we’ve taken to calling those bonuses “cows,” as in, “I’m gonna get me a cow!” It’s an obscure reference to the third episode of season one, “Sacred Cow.” It only makes sense to the two of us (and the other rabid fans of the show who realize that almost every quote from the series is obscure).

I have my own cows to get (but because I’m a vegetarian, they’re made of soy and come from Morningstar Farms). As a writer, my focus tends to be on word count, edits/rewrites, marketing, and sales. My bonus cows, however, are the phenomenon of getting lost in the stories I write. It’s not an easy state to achieve, but when it happens, I can write all day to the near exclusion of everything else. On those days, I can proudly say, “I got myself a cow!”

I never know when this feeling will strike, but it’s always welcome. When I’m in edit/rewrite mode, I’ll get little cows (calves), by recrafting scenes to bring out the emotional depth of a character and connect them to a past event or begin to foreshadow their future. There might even be the discovery of a tie between the characters of the WIP and those of a previous novel and the invitation of the PN characters to visit and drop a little wisdom.

Yesterday was one of those days — and it was glorious! Cows everywhere!

In my WIP, I’m working on an angle I’ve never written before. One of my main characters is an unreliable narrator and a narcissist, but no one notices. The character has been formed by a community/family/church that regards narcissists as leaders. And few people tend to question leaders. My research has been fascinating, but always before, I’ve had this type of person acting as a side character at best, and as a villain at worst.  

Yesterday, I began peppering this character’s actions, thoughts, and dialog with tiny hints of their narcissistic tendencies. I got to go into their past and lay some groundwork, exposing what really happened with how it was presented by the character. My other main character isn’t aware just yet that the person they’ve tied their life to is a manipulator.

I usually craft my main characters to be approachable and relatable. Despite the struggles I put my characters through, I want readers to understand their motivations, fears, and strength and even see a bit of themselves in the inner workings of those people on the page. When I’m writing a scene, I tend to take on the characteristics of the person I’m writing about—to a lesser extent. When my characters are sarcastic, I’m usually rolling my eyes or smiling as I write. When they have an emotional breakthrough, I’m crying. When they have a panic attack, I tap into my own memories of panic and anxiety and try to faithfully recreate that on the page, not worrying about my breath or senses until the scene is done.

But when that scene is done? COW!

Now I’ve got an undercover baddy as an MC, and it’s a different experience. I started my research with books like When Narcissism Comes to Church by Chuck DeGroat.

Now, I’m watching documentaries and movies featuring narcissists to observe their body language and the cadence of their dialog. Mentally, I’m trying to relate to how they see themselves to tap into their emotional responses — some of which are real and others which are slipped on like disguises, easily discarded depending on the situation.

Usually, I tap into my personal experience when it comes to an MC’s emotive reactions. I know I’m not the only writer who does this. I’d say it’s all writers, but I’m sure there are some out there who write without personal emotion (seems weird, but you do you, Boo).

I don’t think many readers understand that writers go for those cows by putting themselves on the page, not ONLY when it’s uncomfortable, but ESPECIALLY when it’s uncomfortable. In fact, some readers tend to mock writers without digging deeper into why we describe things as we do. One of the best examples of this is the overuse of the phrase, “She let out a breath she didn’t even know she was holding.” Readers online tend to lose their ever-lovin’ minds over this phrase, because, for a while, it seemed to be in every book published. Now, writers avoid it. But where did it come from? I guarantee it came from a writer’s own response to a stressful situation, and they faithfully recorded it on the page. A reader might see it as lazy writing and not acknowledge its visceral meaning.

But I’ve been there. When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I tend to unintentionally hold my breath until my body takes over and forces it out, restarting my automatic breathing. I am so focused on getting through the crowd, finding a safe space, or preparing to talk to someone without sounding like an idiot, that I am unaware I’m holding my breath until it’s released.

Is the phrase overdone? Sure. It didn’t start out that way, but it was such an apt description of a physical phenomenon, it became too popular for its own good. For the first writer to accurately describe that experience and the future writers who began to pay closer attention to their own patterns of purposeful vs. automatic body behaviors, that phrase was a cow.

The last time I was in a full-blown panic attack, I was also in the weird writer’s zone where I mentally recorded my body’s responses to the trigger. I ended up using that reaction in my next WIP: the panicky part of her mind being fully shunted to the side, while the practical part continued a transaction, then the need for outside stimulation (music) to keep the memory evoked at bay, and her body becoming suddenly drenched in stress sweat as soon as she had removed herself from the triggering situation.

When it was time for my MC to experience her trigger (different than mine), I went through it with her — step by step, guiding her through to the other side. It was real and important to her development as a character. That reaction became the catalyst through which the reader could begin to understand her past and her need to move forward.

When we lose ourselves in the pages, the pieces come together, our stories take shape, and the characters come to life and begin to live their destiny. It’s an amazing feeling that writers chase page after page and novel after novel. It is those moments of bonus creation—those cows—that keep us writing.

Successfully Independent

Women’s International History Month is over, and it’s time for Indie April to begin. Since I am both a woman and an independently published author, I’m celebrating both.

Many people I interact with online understand what independent writers do and the work we create. They encourage us and recommend our books to other readers. They appreciate our humor, historical research, and exploration of today’s most challenging subjects.

Unfortunately, some readers still assume that because indie writers are not signed with a publisher, our work has no merit. Last week, I read a post by someone who stated outright that they refuse to read an indie writer’s book. They assumed publishers were the gatekeepers of writing talent. It’s an unfair assumption. Most indie writers I’ve read are not only talented, but they also tend to dig into more profound subjects than mainstream publishers.

The poster’s words were harsh but hardly unfamiliar.

I discovered that contemporary Christian fiction was the best use of my voice when I began writing Plague of Lies. While I wrote and rewrote the first few drafts, I also worked full-time. I used some holiday bonus money to pay for a contest submission, specifically for the feedback. What I didn’t expect was inspiration. The contest had a list of genres in which to compete. I decided to teach myself the most popular genre among Christian publishers: romance.

I had a week-long spring break coming up, and I used it to start writing Twists, Turns, and Curves. It took me two months to finish the rough draft. I took a second part-time job to pay for an editor. She was also a Christian writer and took me step-by-step through the book, helping me develop the characters and story. I sent it to a competition and got feedback declaring it “average.” I was making progress but finally had to admit that romance was not my genre. It seemed I couldn’t help but write contemporary fiction — and I learned to be okay with that. I took the suggestions of the competition judges and my story editor. I continued to rewrite and edit both novels, paying out of pocket for more professional edits and contacting various agents, seeking one who would point me to a house interested in contemporary fiction.

By the time I was a decade in, I was working on my third novel and frustrated that the story wasn’t coming together. I kept writing up to the halfway point where the story would peter out. I’d set it aside and go weeks, sometimes months, without writing. Not my novels, anyway. Instead, I wrote my classes’ textbooks, workbooks, lectures, and spelling tests.

And then, I started book four (which would eventually become book three). Because I had stories I needed to tell, I kept writing. I developed an underlying network that brought the novels together in a singular universe and explored the complex issues facing Christians in churches and denominations today.

In 2020, I completed another rewrite and professional edit of Plague of Lies and sent it to an agent. I decided that if it was rejected this time, I would admit defeat and self-publish.

Because that’s how I looked at self-publishing—as defeat.

My book was rejected. The agent read the first 50 pages and the synopsis and suggested I rewrite it as a young adult novel and shop it around to other agents. However, considering that it was integral to the plot that the main character be an adult at the start, I decided to keep my story intact and lean into self-publishing.

I downloaded Kindle Create and learned how to format my novel. I discovered I needed a copyright, so I sent off for it. Having that copyright meant that my work remained my own. If I had been accepted by a publisher, they would have owned my work. I hired my talented daughter-in-law to design the cover. When the books went live, I had to learn how to market my work. The social media platform I had begun earlier, started to evolve, and the feedback from my readers was remarkably positive.

Six months later, I published my second book. Half a year after that, my third, No Longer Invisible, was on the market. In the meantime, I rewrote the book that gave me writer’s block, making it a split-POV novel. It worked, and now book four, Reinvention, is a favorite. Finally, I began book five and published Wise and Mighty in 2022.

I’m currently working on book six. I continue to write, rewrite, self-edit, format, and self-publish. I use my money from previous book sales to pay for professional edits and book cover designs.

Because I’ve done the work and continue to do the job, I’ve learned that self-publishing isn’t a mark of failure. Instead, it requires tenacity and the willingness to learn multiple skills. And it is worth it.

Throughout my publishing journey, I’ve had the opportunity to communicate with my readers. I’ve become friends with many of them online. They tell me that they’ve seen their stories played out in the pages of my novels, and they’ve connected to the characters. The Rose Collection allows them to discuss what they have experienced with those who may not understand the complexities of spiritual or church-induced trauma. Yet, the series also shows the hope that can be found when faith is restored, love is expressed, and help is sought.

I have also connected with other indie writers. We are an inclusive and encouraging group. There is plenty of room for indies in the publishing world. We will keep doing the hard work on our own and approach topics the publishing houses don’t want to explore. We’ll be the voices of the silenced and encourage them to speak out. We’ll reveal the truth in fiction.

And we’ll do it successfully.

Five Things I Learned from This Year’s Internation Women’s History Month

Preparing weekly blog posts for March has encouraged me to appreciate again all the things women are. Here are five things I’ve learned while celebrating women this month.

5. Women are encouraging.

Over the past month, I’ve read hundreds of posts on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter written by women. The vast majority have been positive, encouraging, and kind.

I’ve enjoyed reels that inspire moms to take breaks, rest, and recharge, reminding them that being a parent isn’t about having a perfectly clean house and homemade treats. Mommies are reassured that sometimes, making sure the kids are fed and safe is enough.

Women are also flooding social media with reminders that God loves us and cares about what we go through. He loves us unconditionally and doesn’t demand that we give up our autonomy to our husbands, parents, children, or pastors. We are complete in Him just as we are.

4. Women are creative.

The gift of imagination is strong and beautifully used by women. This month, I’ve read multiple novels by Christian women authors who use their gifts to tell the truth through fiction. Characters and situations are explored with grace and kindness, and the reader is reminded that God is always in control.

Readers who review books also tap into their creative side. Whether a paragraph on Amazon or Goodreads, a collage of photographs, or reels complete with costumes and music, reviews are welcomed and appreciated by writers who often feel alone in their creativity.

The great thing about creative expression is how it can be found in a wide variety of activities and experiences. I’ve worked with my artist daughter-in-law, Kaylene Skwarczynski, as she designed my new book cover, and was excited at how she brought my vision to life. I’ve spent many sweet hours in the home of my decorator daughter-in-law, Tara Skwarczynski, who has discovered the harmony and peace of a comfortable house full of family.

In the entertainment world, music by women have topped the charts. The screenplay writer for the movie Women Talking won an academy award. More and more women are coming forward to encourage and uplift their peers and demanding the respect that is their due.

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt13669038/

3. Women are powerful.

Women are embracing scholarly works and evidence-based studies to stand up to those who have traditionally used loud voices, bullying, and positions of power to demand their preferences and beliefs be accepted as biblically or culturally true. Those men (and a few women) are discovering that their pronouncements are no longer being immediately accepted — not even by those in their usual audience. Since those ideas are based on personal preferences rather than grounded in Scripture, their arguments quickly devolve into name-calling, intimidation tactics, and even doxing. They are offended when they are blocked and reported by powerful women who refuse to be harassed.

2. Women are truth seekers.

Women are discovering that much of what we learned as girls isn’t based on truth. We were made to believe that we were responsible for other people’s actions. We are rejecting old teachings that excuse an abuser’s bad behavior. Instead of blaming their victims for their clothing, body type, or even presence, women are turning that blame back onto the perpetrators.

Women read and write more books than men and host almost as many podcasts. They are seeking out evidence-based information and standing up for the younger generation, reminding their own about damaging teaching they’ve endured and encouraging moms, grandmoms, and sisters to replace those man-centered lessons with godly ones.

1. Women are godly.

Women are digging deeper into God’s Word to find the truth and are putting what they learn into action. They not only lift each other up in prayer but physically and emotionally reach out. Women are helping one another reach goals, get through tough days, and offer to support/listen/read as frustrations are shared online. They remind their sisters in Christ about what the Bible says and encourage them to seek the truth for themselves.

Unfortunately, what has pushed women to get further into God’s Word is the lack of genuinely good Bible teachings in many Christian churches. On a near-weekly basis, ungodly men who have set themselves up as spiritual leaders (AKA “men of God”) in some of the more popular Christian denominations are being exposed for inappropriate things they say from behind the pulpit. Many end up in the news after having been accused, arrested, investigated, or convicted for crimes ranging from theft/embezzlement to physical abuse to sexual assault.

Godly women are standing up, pointing out that the “spiritual fruit” of these men is NOT the “fruit of the Spirit.” In many cases, they are instead the “works of the flesh.”

Now the works of the flesh are manifest, which are these; Adultery, fornication, uncleanness, lasciviousness, Idolatry, witchcraft, hatred, variance, emulations, wrath, strife, seditions, heresies, envyings, murders, drunkenness, reveling, and such like: of the which I tell you before, as I have also told you in time past, that they which do such things shall not inherit the kingdom of God.

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness, temperance: against such there is no law. (Gal 5:19-23) 

Godly women are refusing to let the “works of the flesh” continue to poison their churches, their homes, and their lives.

Learning is an ongoing process. Reminding oneself about how important women are — especially when one comes from a background where women are not always respected or listened to — is vital to women’s history and to our celebration of who we are.

The Women’s History We Wish Was Ancient

March first marks the beginning of Women’s History Month, and there is so much we can celebrate. Growing up I loved reading books about what great women were doing when they were my age. I had a cadre of heroines whose stories I read repeatedly: Helen Keller, Harriet Tubman, Laura Ingalls Wilder, Marie Curie, and Elisabeth Blackwell, to name a few.

What I loved about each of these women was how they used their hard work, dedication, and kindness to make significant alterations to their spheres of influence. Each had obstacles to overcome, but they also had an innate sense of right that guided their decisions and life choices. My historical heroines enjoyed some appreciation during their lifetimes, but there is no way they could have comprehended how much they contributed to world history. The fame they earned was never their goal. Changing their corner of the world was.

Now, through the miracle of social media, I’m watching contemporary heroines changing the world in real-time.

Because I write books on the difficult topic of religious harm and trauma, my feeds feature women who are exposing spiritual abuse and its offshoots (physical, sexual, economic, etc.). They’re writing books and blogs, hosting podcasts, creating YouTube videos, and keeping the attention on the issues through daily posts on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter. They aren’t just sharing their opinions or preferences. The information they gather is backed by court documents, legal testimony, credible sources, and personal experience.

The Making of Biblical Womanhood: How the Subjugation of Women Became Gospel Truth

Of course, the war they are fighting isn’t new, but it isn’t ancient history either. Instead, it has been a continual struggle for respect and autonomy. Readers can go back to pre-Reformation days and find the same issues being exposed in the popular literature of the time. Dante’s Purgatorio is filled with religious leaders who, while they were able to get away with spiritual abuse while alive, were exposed for their sins and punished after their deaths. Boccaccio’s Decameron contains story after story exposing spiritual abuse (primarily presented as sexual abuse) perpetrated by the contemporary spiritual leaders. The speakers of these stories were of noble birth, but the stories encompassed every economic class letting the reader know that no one was immune to the abuse that was rife within the religious organization that ran their world. Chaucer’s most famous work, The Canterbury Tales, continues Boccaccio’s theme — even including one of Boccaccio’s stories in his Tales — but expands it to explore the issues of economic, emotional, and spiritual abuse and manipulation. He also included a terrifying story that accidentally exposed the deep racism that was cultivated by the spiritual leaders of the day and trickled down into the various European cultures.

Or we can go back even further to the time of Christ who, unlike other rabbis of His day, accepted women as disciples, showing respect toward them, listening to them, talking to them, prompting them to speak and expressing admiration for their critical thinking skills. Jesus spoke out against racism, stood up against economic abuse, and flatly condemned the various spiritual leader groups of His day for focusing on their grasp for power and neglecting to care for the people they were supposed to shepherd.

The church that followed His time on earth — that took His name as their own — continued His teaching for a time. Gradually, the old ideas of a spiritual leader’s superiority crept into its culture, leading to the disrespect, inequality, and abuse of followers who wanted nothing more than to live for Christ.

Jesus used parables and sermons to expose abuse and encourage both the deconstruction of a religion that spent more time focused on the power of its leaders and the reconstruction of what true religion was supposed to be.

Dante, Boccaccio, and Chaucer used the popular literature of their day as a mirror to widely reflect the problems among and perpetrated by their spiritual leaders.

And that brings us to the here and now where we are in the latest iteration of this same spiritual abuse.

In today’s war against spiritual abuse, the literary fight is just part of the offensive — but it’s a big part. Professors are releasing in-depth studies on how women were viewed in the Bible vs. how they are viewed and treated by their denominations. Novelists are creating works that expose both abuse and recovery. Their stories are influenced and inspired by real-life instances and are read and embraced by those who see themselves and their experiences on the page. Reporters and podcasters are interviewing those who have been abused at the hands of spiritual leaders they once trusted, who felt victimized and were quiet for years, but finally feel safe enough to speak up and warn others. Former members of churches that actively participated in or covered up abuse have left and started to create databases and articles to warn others away from toxic situations and unreformed criminals.

Many of those leading the fight are women.

Of course, women have fought before, but their efforts were hindered by cultural norms. There were multiple women mentioned in the New Testament who ran churches in their homes, were tasked with delivering Scripture between churches, and taught new followers — until male spiritual leaders started to view them through the lens of Roman culture and politics and declared that women were unsuitable for leadership roles since they were “malformed men” (an ancient Greco-Roman belief promoted by Aristotle and adopted by some church fathers).

The Samaritan Woman's Story: Reconsidering John 4 After #ChurchToo

Women leaders of the early New Testament Church had their roles taken from them and the men who claimed spiritual superiority continued to demean the entire gender by writing commentaries on women figures in the New Testament. Many of these commentaries unfairly and wrongly labeled the women that Jesus complimented for their mental acuity as nothing more than former prostitutes who were rescued by a male Savior.

Many years later, Madame Guyon wrote a treatise on prayer that changed the lives of the people in her circle, but she was condemned by her family, her beloved church, and the leaders of the Reformation. She fought to the best of her ability with pen and ink, but the cultural norms of the day guaranteed she would be kept imprisoned and silenced for her part in the fight.

A Short Method Of Prayer

In 19th century America, Harriet Beecher Stowe wrote a satiric masterpiece that skewered every person who used the label of Christianity or American to allow the evils of slavery to exist, but she was seen as an anomaly of her time and the language used to describe her could be seen as derogatory (“So you’re the little woman who started this big war”). Even today, people don’t seem to understand that Uncle Tom’s Cabin was written as a sarcastic, satiric, Christian novel. HBS put her contemporaries on blast by showing them as realistically as she could and letting their actions and words speak for themselves.

Uncle Tom's Cabin: By Harriet Beecher Stowe - Illustrated

Now, history has rolled forward, and women have taken the lead in protecting and preventing abuse. Women have always been strong, but now we are also more vocal, more tech-savvy, and more willing to walk away when we realize the situation is toxic. Really for the first time since the early church, we’re seeing men and women who respect each other beginning to work together to effect change. Women are rising as leaders and have an online community that supports them and helps spread the message: toxic teaching and spiritual abuse must end.

Many of those fighting the hardest are women who were disrespected and mistreated by the spiritual leaders in their lives. They are women whose bodies and minds were invaded by people using religion as their cover. They are the latest victims in the fight and have risen to become the war’s strongest generals.

But this is a struggle that should have been settled long ago. The demand for respect and the expectation to NOT be abused SHOULD be ancient history. It is not.

We fight on.

The Women Who Set the Precedents: An Exploration of the Bible's Bill of Rights for WomenWise and Mighty (The Rose Collection Book 5)[image error]

Attacks from Within

There are still people who do not believe that spiritual abuse exists. They see the multitude of podcasts, the thousands of social media posts and tweets, and make note of yet another novel coming out dealing with the subject and they continue to hold onto the belief none of it is true. We’re making the whole thing up. We have it out for pastors and churches and Christians. The church is under attack.

Well, that last bit is true. The true body of Christ — the church — IS under attack, but not from the outside.

Despite the common assertion that the church is made of PEOPLE, not buildings, too many church leaders treat their organizations as businesses — poorly run abusive businesses. If you’re looking for red flags, listen to how the pastor speaks of himself. If at any time he describes himself as a CEO, don’t wait for the benediction to leave. If someone on the leadership team (deacon, teacher, usher) uses words like “jefe,” “king,” or “boss” in reference to the pastor, give yourself permission to walk away.

This week, I was doing my novelist thing and lurking on social media. I follow several people and organizations that openly discuss personal experiences with spiritual abuse. One group was reminiscing about their college’s “powder room.” This wasn’t something from my experience, so I read the comments to get a full, and frankly disgusting, picture.

The powder room was a part of the bathroom where college girls could take a quick nap between working on the bus route and the morning service. To understand why these college girls would be willing to lay down on the floor and take a less-than-thirty-minute nap (any more than that, and they would get demerits), I kept reading.

The college students were compelled to spend their Saturdays (when they had no classes, yet were forced to “volunteer” to work for the church that ran the Bible college) canvassing the neighborhoods of a city an hour away in an attempt to fill the church busses the next day. Early on Sunday morning, students were given a to-go breakfast and sent back to the city to pick up everyone who promised they’d attend. By the time the college kids got back to the church, they were tired and hungry, but they could only fix one of those problems. They could eat a quick snack before church, or they could nap. The exhaustion usually won and young women, fully dressed for church, willingly laid down on the floor in a room adjacent to the bathroom in the hopes of getting a quick nap. As a result of the college’s/church’s practice, some of the women in the comments revealed that they’d been hospitalized for malnutrition and exhaustion — and were mocked for it.

Very young adults were paying money to take college classes, but it wasn’t enough. Under the label of “ministry training” they were forced to participate in a church ministry designed specifically to drive up attendance numbers. They found themselves overworked, neglected, and ridiculed.

THAT is an attack on the church.

On another day, I read that a major denominational convention that refused to “disfellowship” “independent congregations” within its organization when it came to sexual assault and abuse “disfellowshipped” (kicked out) one of the churches in its denomination for naming a woman to its pastoral team. The denomination leaders made it clear: sexual abuse against women and children was acceptable, but a woman teaching Scripture was not.

That denomination’s secret database of abusers was one of the inspirations for Book 5 of The Rose Collection: Wise and Mighty, so I follow its stories closely.

Wise and Mighty (The Rose Collection Book 5)

The news that simply naming a woman as a teaching pastor was enough for the denomination to kick out the church was shocking. The database is 205 pages long and holds hundreds of entries of abuse by church pastors and officials, yet the executive committee of the denomination dragged their heels when it came to removing abusers and did not threaten to “disfellowship” their churches as a way to protect the other under their denomination’s name.

But naming a woman as a teaching pastor? That called for a serious investigation and removal.

Christ’s Great Commission is not gender specific, yet the women in today’s churches are treated like second-class citizens with no ability to share the gospel with or lead anyone other than small children or other women — but even then, she cannot go by the title of pastor.

The denomination made it clear that it sees spiritual abuse (in the form of sexual assault and child sexual assault) as less important than keeping the women in their churches in powerless positions.

THAT is an attack on the church.

The “plaid pastor” made the news after sharing a story about how a woman approached him in a restaurant, saying, “And she was perfect. Physically beautiful. Everything was in the right place.” Maybe there are still guys out there who think that because they sound like they are “complimenting” a woman by creepily discussing her perfect body from a church stage, women shouldn’t be offended or feel uncomfortable. Well, those guys would be wrong.

But the “plaid pastor” didn’t stop there. He then claimed that this woman who approached him — while he was sitting with his friend — propositioned him, even clarifying that she didn’t care if he was married, at which point every woman watching collectively rolled their eyes and muttered, “yeah, I’m sure that’s exactly what happened.” He finished the story by talking through his decision to do the bare minimum of remaining faithful to his wife and claiming that the woman who really totally hit on him in front of his friend in a restaurant (it must be true, it was in a sermon) actually hated him, his wife, his future children, his in-laws, and his parents. “For just a few minutes of ecstasy, she wants to take my life and burn it to the ground.”

Once again, we get the message loud and clear that if a man struggles with lust or with staying faithful, it must be because a woman purposely tempted him.

Unfortunately, women have heard this stuff for years. We’ve gotten ready for church, checking our clothing in the mirror to make sure no cleavage shows, that nothing clings, that the colors aren’t too bright (or a shade recently declared “whorish”), that the hem is below the knee (or the ankle, depending on the leadership’s preference). We make sure our makeup is attractive (“If the barn needs painting, paint it!”) but not too showy (“Don’t want to look like a clown-school reject!”). Our hair must be styled, but not too elaborately. As for shoes? Skip the boots. Too sexy. Flats are okay, as long as they aren’t canvas (too casual). High-heeled pumps? Sure. But not high-heeled sandals (AKA “stripper shoes.”)

We double and triple-check to make sure that everything is covered and our garments flowing so that we don’t “accidentally” tempt one of the men with whom we worship.

It may not seem like a big deal, I mean it’s just a dress code, right? If that’s all it was, it wouldn’t be a problem. But the clothing issue is weaponized to keep women and girls constantly focused on their bodies and fearful of men’s lust (which they are told men cannot help). Women and girls, integral members of the Body of Christ, are taught that they are not trustworthy.

THAT is an attack on the church.

The church is the collective term for believers in Christ. It isn’t a building, an organization, or a business, but when believers are treated as an organization’s “volunteer” (but not really volunteer) workforce, are told that they are unqualified to speak, teach, and lead because of their gender, or are treated as nothing more than tempters who must be constantly controlled, THAT is an attack on the church.

This week was a busy one. The attacks on the church came fast. The attacks came one after the other.

And the attacks came from within.

[image error]

New (Character) Developments

The main female character of my work in progress has appeared in The Rose Collection before. Ginger Douglass was a friend and coworker of Ally James in Reinvention. Later, in Wise and Mighty, we meet her again as the hostess of Crystal Falls Baptist’s welcome center. Ginger pushes Pastor Jason Taylor to rethink the denominational literature sold by the church and encourages him to read his wife’s work instead. Ginger is also in Kelly’s Wise Women’s Sunday school class and has a one-on-one book club with her for an hour each Tuesday.

Reinvention (The Rose Collection Book 4)Wise and Mighty (The Rose Collection Book 5)

Ginger Douglass was a side character who helped me with story development. I could give concrete examples of Ally James’s generosity and empathy through her. Ginger’s refusal to back down made Jason pick up a devotional written by Kelly, giving him insight into his wife’s overlooked talents. She became the encourager Kelly needed to propel her forward as a leader.

It wasn’t long after I had completed one of my last rounds of edits of Wise and Mighty that Ginger muscled her way into my mind and demanded I tell her story next. I objected. I’d already planned to write the next story about two other characters. Ginger disagreed. Then she spent the next few days dropping little hints about her past. I got hooked and started writing.

Just a side note here: it is perfectly normal for writers to have their characters “talk” to them. I’m not a nutter. From experience, I realize that non-writers get a little uncomfortable hearing us talk about our imaginary friends as if they are real, so let me put your minds at ease: they are real — to us. To get a little more insight into how that works, read my previous post, I Character here:

I, Character

Ginger Douglass came carrying overflowing bags of backstory. She was adopted by a couple who traveled the U.S. in an RV, planting churches. When she was in fourth grade, her parents decided that homeschooling wasn’t working out, so they moved back to their sending church, letting her go to the Christian school there. Later, her parents decided that they needed to get back on the road, so Ginger was boarded with church families. Some took her in out of obligation, not happy about having an intruder in their home, but not cruel to her. Others made her a part of their home, showing love and concern for her and her family. And then there were those who were downright abusive.

Ginger was raised to be a “servant to the servants of the church.” As a child who wanted more than anything to do what was right, she obeyed her authority figures, even when it felt wrong, even when she didn’t understand. She was taught that “delayed obedience is disobedience” so she learned to suppress her critical thinking skills and question her own judgment, making her vulnerable.

Her history is rooted deep in the physical tissues of her body as well as in her mind. Triggers can cause a freeze response. Dreams callously replay the past.

As an adult Ginger creates the life she should have had. One where she feels safe, protected, loved, and autonomous. One where her talents belong to her and are used as she sees fit.

What makes Ginger so compelling as a character is that she is compiled of slivers of real experiences. A few months ago, I was triggered into a freeze response. I couldn’t move, but my brain dispassionately recorded my reaction. When it was finally over, I decided I wouldn’t let it go to waste. I shared it with Ginger. That exhaustion I used to feel when I spent my Sundays on the run, believing I was serving God, when I was actually serving a man-led ministry, became Ginger’s. The exhilaration of finding myself through writing became Ginger’s self-discovery as an artist.

But, of course, I am just Ginger’s author and creator. I am not her. I didn’t experience a fraction of what she did. I found happiness in a different way than her. And she’s a bit more successful in her creative career than I am. But we both have a core group of people who support and encourage us; without them, our work would never see the light of day.

While Ginger always finds new things to paint, I too find plenty of inspiration for my novels.

It’s an uncomfortable amount of inspiration, actually. As long as church leaders are abusive, self-centered, and intent on covering the crimes of their colleagues, I have material for my novels. Or as I said to my husband, “As long as these guys do stupid things, I’ve got plenty to write about.”

This week provided several examples of people in leadership doing “stupid things.” Marco Polo conversations were released, showing conversations between members of a mission board as they openly discussed how to prevent a full-scope investigation into their actions and the crimes of their former leader, or “Jefe” as they like to call him.

On another front, a church that quietly accepted a pedophile into their congregation, with the understanding that he would have no position of leadership/power and no interaction with the minors at either the church or the school, was caught violating their OWN parameters concerning this individual yet again. This has been a years-long issue. When the man first showed up, he and his family were welcomed into the church membership. A story went around that he’d left his last ministry job at his father’s church because of a family disagreement. A seventeen-year-old student was the one who discovered the lie. The man was actually avoiding a bench warrant from the town he’d left. He’d been arrested for grooming and molesting a teen from his church for a period of several months. When the pastor was confronted with the information, he removed the pedophile from his position as 5–6th grade Sunday school teacher, choir leader, soloist, and videographer/photographer. No one in the congregation was told why. There was no transparency. The few people who were aware of the situation were silenced with promises that the deacons and pastor would keep an eye on him and that it wasn’t fair to punish the man’s family for his sin.

But the man did not sit quietly in the pew, worship with his family, and then go home. He constantly pushed himself forward. Before long, he was back to leading music, directing the choir, preaching a Wednesday night Bible study, then during the pandemic, welcoming online visitors to the church’s YouTube page from behind the pulpit. Those who knew this man’s history protested at every turn. The pastor would nod sadly, say he’d take care of things, then remove the man — for a short while until everything calmed down, then put him right back in places of leadership.

This week that man was spotted sitting on the bench at a tournament played by that church’s Christian school. When an eagle-eyed viewer noticed him, his presence was protested online. Some objected that the man was there to watch his own kid, but that didn’t explain his position on the bench or how he joined huddles, giving players advice. The gym was filled with parents watching their children play basketball, but they weren’t acting like an assistant coach the way he was.

It took less than a week for the story to be rewritten. In a letter home, parents were informed that “One of our parents sat on the bench with the boys’ basketball team without permission from the administration. When administration saw him on the bench, they told him he could not be there, and he left the bench area.” If someone reading this note desired to view the video for themselves, they discovered that the site had been scrubbed. The eagle-eyed viewer, however, had watched the entire thing in real-time. The man was on the bench the whole game.

As for the angle that when administration discovered his presence, they asked him to leave, it doesn’t make much sense considering the man’s wife is the school principal. She knew. She allowed him to stay. No one made a move to remove him. The letter home was the usual knee-jerk reaction to conceal and cover-up.

When you read my novels and find yourself saying, “How did no one stand up for this character? How is it that the abuser is given a pass while the victim is criticized for speaking up?” Well, it’s exactly like those two examples above. Leadership that is more concerned with protecting their personal reputations than the people in their churches control the story.

And THAT is why contemporary Christian novels about abuse in today’s church are so important. Abuse not only exists, but it thrives in tightly controlled organizations. Approaching leaders as brothers or sisters in Christ, as equals, is often impossible. There is no true fellowship. There is only a hierarchy of servants working for the leadership — who claim to be the greatest servants of all. Obedience to the system and its leaders is vital and will be enforced at all costs. Even if that cost is a person’s soul.

I often hear the phrase, “The church today is under attack” and I firmly believe that is true. But it is not being attacked from outside. Souls, minds, and hearts are being lost due to what is happening inside.

Ginger’s novel is written. Her story is real. It has been compiled of slivers of real testimony, experiences, and reactions of those in the church today. It’s currently in the hands of a professional editor, Carrie Smith, who is as kind as she is talented. The cover is being created by my “artist-in-residence,” my brilliant daughter-in-law Kaylene Skwarczynski at Ranee Designs, and it looks beautiful so far. My next step will be registering the copyright. After that, I need to format the book, submit it to Kindle Create, and purchase author copies to distribute to my beta readers. Finally, it will be launched as the sixth book of The Rose Collection.

I don’t know when the book will be out. Right now, I can pay my editor and cover designer, but I need to wait until I’ve earned more money from my previous novels before I can cover the cost of the copyright and author copies. While I work on the next novels of The Rose Collection, I’ll keep marketing and folding whatever money I make back into my writing. If you’d like to help, I ask that you purchase the books, review them, and suggest them to friends. It helps more than you know and encourages me to keep writing.

Because I WILL keep writing. I believe there is truth in fiction. I do my best to keep my characters and their experiences realistic and to tell their stories as honestly as possible. I know I’m on the right track because I keep hearing from readers who have found their voices and say, “That happened to me.”

The Rose Collection

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Readers vs. Gatekeepers

Nothing grates my cookies the way literary gatekeeping does.

Growing up, I loved to read, but I wasn’t allowed to go to my school library because the book collection was deemed “90% inappropriate.” My personal gatekeeper, who kept me from the books they feared, wanted to go a step further and remove those inappropriate books to “protect others” claiming it was the librarian who had provided that horrific statistic.

Actually, what the librarian said to the gatekeeper was, “If we took out every book that offended you, 90% of the collection would have to be removed.”

My gatekeeper never understood that they came out of that exchange looking ridiculous. Instead, they were proud of their stance and bragged about it for years.

Living with my gatekeeper meant that every book I purchased was met with handwringing and fear that it might “lead me astray” or “poison my mind.” Weirdly, this cloud of anxiety also hovered over their own heavily curated shelves filled with biographies and autobiographies of missionaries, church workers, evangelists, and Christian musicians. Even when selecting books from their collection, I was criticized as my gatekeeper suggested I was looking for something salacious. At the time of that accusation, I was reading a book about a couple preparing to go on the mission field. I had mentioned that the man had a heart condition and when he started having pain and palpitations, his wife was instructed to put an ice compress on his chest. I remember asking about that treatment since I’d never heard of such a thing before. I still don’t understand what it was about that scenario that the gatekeeper found scandalous.

As a teen, I did have two Grace Livingstone Hill books that had been passed down to me from trusted family members, as well as a copy of Anderson’s and Perault’s fairy tales that had been in the family for decades, but no one read. I read those, and other “approved” books, on repeat. I appreciated that my gatekeeper bought me a collection of Danny Orlis books reprinted by Moody Press and a few Scholastic volumes that had made the cut. Since my gatekeeper was also my authority, they had the right to guide my reading choices. However, their desire to have such tight control extended outside our relationship to others under their influence as church leader and Sunday school teacher.

I’m long past those teen years, with children and grandchildren of my own, but the self-appointed gatekeepers still irritate me. As an adult, I created some beautiful home libraries and became a full-time writer, publishing six books of my own. I’ve decided that gatekeepers will no longer keep me from reading what I want. Still, just as my previous gatekeeper doesn’t like my books and discourages people from reading them, I know other gatekeepers are campaigning against books by other authors. Their influence prevents readers from finding books that they might enjoy.

Gatekeepers love power. They want to be heard and obeyed without question or confrontation. They see critical thinkers as idiots who don’t know when to sit down and shut up. The gatekeeper knows better.

The church I used to attend had a prominent literary gatekeeper come a few times a year to preach. He was a history professor at a Bible college who spent most of his weekends on the road promoting the school. His time behind the pulpit was focused on scaring parents, warning them against letting their kids read anything new or contemporary. He bragged about having a huge library of classic literature and Bible studies in his home. He also stated that he read lots of popular magazines (to keep up with current events), subscribed to housekeeping journals for his wife (because they had recipes), and did not have a television or DVD player in his house (since they were time wasters). The message was clear. He was spiritually superior to just about everyone. Still, there was the unspoken promise that if a young person committed to attending his Bible college for four years, they could be spiritually superior too.

For parents with younger children, he discouraged them from taking their kids to places like Disneyland or Knott’s Berry Farm because they were “amusement parks” and “a-muse” means “without thought.” To help children think, he strongly suggested that parents make sure their kids read only classics. Still, the only classic book I remember him suggesting was Captain’s Courageous by Rudyard Kipling. It’s a good book, but not exactly to everyone’s taste.

Captains Courageous

He let the congregation's adults know that they should not be reading popular literature either. They could read Bible studies and biographies published by the college he represented, but he had nothing else to recommend outside of those.

During one particularly crushing sermon, I decided to write down the titles he suggested were drawing Christians away from godly living. I made a point of reading those books, making notations in the margins, and discovered that he had grossly mischaracterized their messages.

While some gatekeepers disguise their superiority by claiming they are looking out for God’s people, not every gatekeeper’s motive is spiritual. I’ve encountered many who inflate their egos, using condescension and disapproval to discourage people from reading books by specific authors. Unfortunately, I’ve also read many posts by readers who apologize for even admitting that they like those heavily criticized books.

Readers shouldn’t feel the need to express regret for enjoying what they read.

To be clear, gatekeeping isn’t the same as personal preference. Most readers have genres they cling to because they love the writing style, time period, or world-building. Some exclusively read non-fiction. Others read a mix of non-fiction and fiction and a wide variety of genres. All of that is great.

Gatekeeping is when a person demands that everyone read only what THEY believe is appropriate. That’s when you hear sweeping statements like, “No Christian should read romance,” “We need to tell Christian authors to talk more about Jesus in their books,” “No truly educated person would read today’s popular fiction,” “That author’s style is so amateurish, that I would never let my child read her work,” “That book has the wrong message for teens, and it shouldn’t be sold at Target/Walmart/Barnes and Noble,” “I want my children to only read the classics.”

As both reader and writer, I see statements like these on social media a few times a week, so I’d like to address them.

“No Christian should read romance” is such a weird statement. Romance isn’t my favorite genre, but I greatly respect the authors who can follow the strict guidelines of that category and create original stories within those parameters. In some Christian romances, the books take on deep, profound messages. It isn’t just meet-cute, misunderstanding, and a declaration of love followed by a quick resolution. The characters go through deep introspection, spiritual growth, and emotional development. While there is physical attraction, the primary focus is on inner work and seeking to spend life with a fellow believer.

Catherine Brusk: books, biography, latest update

This week, I ran across a post stating, “We need to tell Christian authors to talk more about Jesus in their books.” It went on to declare that without Jesus, the books are worthless, and too many Christian authors aren’t focusing on Him the way they should. As a writer of contemporary Christian novels, this one rubbed me the wrong way for a couple of reasons. First, no one needs to tell ANY author what they should write. If you see the necessity for a book to be written, write it yourself. It is that drive that creates authors in the first place. As for the second part of the statement that Christian authors aren’t focusing on Jesus “the way they should,” my initial response is “who decides what that ‘should’ looks like?” My characters are recovering from spiritual abuse while clinging to Scripture and rediscovering the real love of Christ in their lives. Would someone read my books and say, “Nope. Not enough references to Jesus”? I have no idea, but if they did, I’d wonder if they missed the point of my novels.

Because I read and write contemporary fiction, I can’t help but feel a little sad when a gatekeeper degrades “today’s popular fiction” (not that my books are at all popular). I love popular as well as indie and some upmarket fiction. The idea that “popular” should have a negative connotation seems odd. Historically, serial works by Dickens were so popular at the time of their publications that the magazines sold out, people wept en masse when a beloved character died, and there was discussion of his work across lines of age, class, and gender.

Today, some gatekeepers believe that if the majority of the populace enjoys something, it must be garbage. That says more about the people who hold themselves above “the commoners” than the literature they’ve rejected. But, again, if it were just their opinion, tightly held for themselves, it wouldn’t be a problem, but when they feel compelled to denigrate those who might like popular fiction (or any other genre), it crosses the line into bullying.

“That author’s style is so amateurish that I would never let my child read her work,” and “That book has the wrong message for teens, and it shouldn’t be sold at Target/Walmart/Barnes and Noble” are statements I’ve heard about women authors specifically — almost exclusively. For some reason, women gatekeepers have gone after women writers as if they get paid for each hurtful remark they make. Usually, their statements are based in ignorance, where they accuse an author of promoting a toxic relationship or behavior simply because it exists in the text. There is no acknowledgment that the toxicity is addressed and rectified in later pages — or that it is simply a callback to a previously written book of the same genre.

“I want my children to only read the classics” is a noble goal, but I like to point out that every classic began as a work of pop culture. When Pride and Prejudice was first published, it was contemporary fiction. So were Moby Dick, A Christmas Carol, Wuthering Heights, and Jane Eyre.

While Frankenstein and Dracula were categorized as gothic horror, they were also contemporary works. Among those who believe others should only read classics — to the exclusion of contemporary works — there is a willful ignorance that some of the books being written today may be considered classics in the future.

Responsible parents will, of course, engage with their children when selecting books to read. They’ll preview, read, and discuss, not as gatekeepers determined to crush others with their expectations and restrictions, but as fellow lovers of the written word.

Readers tend to be an encouraging lot, more now than ever with Facebook groups, Bookstagram, BookTok, Goodreads, and Readers of Twitter. The gatekeepers will still have their say — we’ll never be able to change their minds — but we can move past their prejudices and read what is best for us.

And we can urge others to do the same.

Marbeth Skwarczynski: books, biography, latest update

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Three Reactions to Spiritual Abuse

Yesterday, I watched the film Women Talking. I had seen the trailer only twice but knew that this was a movie I didn’t want to miss. Because I am familiar with the subject of spiritual abuse and its abuse offshoots (economic, physical, emotional, sexual, etc.), I went into the theater ready for the writers'/producers'/directors’ take on this subject. Would it be a tale of revenge? Would it be a tragedy calling the audience to action? Would it focus on one person or group’s awakening as they decided that they could no longer be part of the society they’d always known?

In the movie, the women of a Mennonite colony suffered attacks in their sleep for years. They woke to find they’d been tranquilized and raped during the night. Blood, bruises, scarring, and pregnancies were physical proof of their violation. Yet, when they reported the events to the leaders of their community, they were told it couldn’t be the men. It must be ghosts or demons or the colorful imagination of the women who were attacked.

When one of the attackers was caught by the women, he named the others, and all of the accused were moved to a nearby town to protect THEM from the women who had been victimized. The men of the community let the women know that they were on the side of the rapists. When they left to support the attackers during their hearing, they told the women that they needed to forgive those men when they come back.

After the women were left alone, they took a vote. They had three choices:

1. Do nothing.

2. Stay and fight.

3. Leave

These are the same three options facing every victim of abuse.

The film follows the conversations of the women as they decide how they will respond to their abusers. The writing was perfect and the acting exceptional. The subject matter was achingly familiar.

Women Talking (2022) - IMDb

When I write my novels, my characters have either left or are about to leave their abusive religious communities. They go through a period of deconstruction where they learn to separate their church’s teachings from those of Christ. Then they begin to reconstruct a faith that reflects truth, love, and kindness rather than one that purposely injures, belittles, and bullies. The Rose Collection is about finding the joy of God in every aspect of one’s life.

Part of my research is reading books by survivors of trauma and cult situations. I also listen to podcasts like The Roys Report, Jimmy Hinton’s Speaking out on Sex Abuse Podcast, and Preacher Boys.

Julie Roys | Reporting the Truth. Restoring the Church.Jimmy HintonPreacher Boys

I watch interviews, movies, and series about cults and their survivors. I look for patterns of behavior — in both victims and the perpetrators.

Most informative, however, is my “accidental” research. This comes to me when I least expect it when someone who has read The Rose Collection reaches out to me to let me know that the story of Scott/Lauren/Caroline/Julia/Michael/Ally/Jason/Kelly is their story too.

It always shocks me. It shouldn’t, but it does.

Before I left my church of thirty years, I had already published the first three books of The Rose Collection. Even though I was a full-time writer, almost no one in the congregation was aware of my work. I announced my publications on my social media platform, of course, but most of the congregation either wasn’t on the same sites I was, or they quietly ignored my news. My new books were not announced from the pulpit, nor was the congregation encouraged to check them out. They weren’t for sale in the wire bookrack in the lobby.

The Rose Collection

I knew I was an embarrassment to this place where I had served in multiple ministries, taught school, and raised my children.

Why?

Because I believed it was wrong to have a man who pled guilty to charges of “engaging in lewd conduct in a public place” leading people in worship on the stage. Because I believed it was wrong for our church’s school to participate in a sports league with another church where at least three of its leaders were under investigation for sexual assault against minors. Because I believed that the poor preaching from both our home pastor and those visiting had become a way to convince the congregation to follow a Man of God rather than God Himself.

I tried for years to talk to the leadership. I wrote letters. I texted. I emailed. I spoke face-to-face. My words had no weight. So, I began to write about the issues I saw in novel form. My books are conversational, focused on one or two main characters who are facing the same struggles as real people who are inside a ministry that refuses to listen, protect, or love.

I was compelled to stay at my church for years longer than I wished. My husband was in a tough spot. As my partner, he wanted to support my new career. As a leader in our church, he didn’t understand my choice of topic. He was too close to the situation to see what was happening. In his eyes, I was going for the dramatic at the expense of good ministries. It was a rough time. Fortunately, I had a couple of women friends in the congregation who had read my books, encouraged others to read them, and shared their own stories with me. With their permission, I shared their stories with my husband. He was surprised to discover that what I was writing about had happened to women in our congregation. They began to speak up more. They also addressed the issues in our church with those in charge (to no avail). With their encouragement, I did a little guerilla marketing among my fellow members and offered signed books to those who wanted to purchase hard copies directly.

As more people read, more stories came out. Other readers from the congregation talked to me openly about their experiences with church trauma and abuse. They were thankful for our church because it didn’t seem to exist there. They weren’t aware of the criminal on the platform or of our church’s strong ties to a denomination that produced and protected abusers. They didn’t know that one of the organizations we supported with our missions’ fund was created specifically to discredit victims and keep abusers out of jail.

When I became aware of those issues, I was ready to knock the dust off my shoes and never look back. But I stayed. I talked. I gave others information about where they could research. I published another book — this time a non-fiction book — about women in the Bible. I used the prophecy of Bathsheba in Proverbs 31 as my template and explored the lives of biblical women exhibiting the rights outlined in that passage. My very first chapter was about Bathsheba — her whole story. She is so much more than a blameless victim of rape. She became a leader in her own right. She gave advice to kings.

The Women Who Set the Precedents: An Exploration of the Bible's Bill of Rights for Women

I gave a copy of my book to the leader of the women’s Sunday school class. I know she read at least the first chapter because she discussed it with me. Or at least she discussed her reaction. She was angry because she liked David. I told her that I agreed with her. David had thrown away his reputation of being a man after God’s own heart when he treated Bathsheba in a disgusting manner. His voyeurism, rape, and murder had no place in the life of a civil or religious leader. The fact that his advisors were aware of his behavior but did absolutely nothing to curb his behavior was proof that some things never change.

But, as I spoke to my new reader, I realized from her expression that I had misread the situation. I finally asked, “Are you angry at David or at me?”

It turned out it was me. How dare I point out what the Bible said about David’s illegal and immoral actions? How dare I share that the Scriptures never accused Bathsheba of wrongdoing? Or that I point out his advisors were just as guilty as he was because they did nothing to protect the innocent victim. I heard the message loud and clear. My writing made it harder for this Sunday school teacher to do nothing.

My husband felt embarrassed by the confrontation, and it set us back a bit. We’d spent years in two very different places. When I realized I had to act and tried to effect change from within, he was firmly ensconced in the belief that everything would settle if we did nothing. By the time I was ready to leave, he was trying to make changes. I wished rather than believed that his suggestions would be taken seriously. He protested the law firm’s director preaching at our school’s graduation. He warned the coaches of our school’s sports teams to never attend a rally or any other event at the school where the youth leaders were under investigation. He was furious when he learned that the criminal on stage had hired a teen from our school to babysit his kids.

I was proud of him when he finally started to fight, but it became clear that it was a losing battle, and we prepared our retreat.

When readers I didn’t know began sending me messages on FB, I shared their stories with him and he slowly began to understand what I was doing. Once he and I removed ourselves from our home church, and even from what had become our hometown, we could see everything more clearly. Spiritual abuse was destroying our church — and many churches like it — from within.

He used to cringe when my answer to “What do you write” was “I write contemporary Christian novels about spiritual abuse and recovery.” Now, he proudly talks about my books, telling potential readers that I write about spiritual abuse in churches.

We’d tried doing nothing and everything got worse. We tried to fight from inside but were outnumbered. We finally left for our own peace of mind and healing.

But we’re still fighting.

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Red Flags in Hindsight

This weekend, a fellow member of a Facebook readers’ group asked for advice about what she should say to one of her students concerning the girl’s mother reading Christian romance novels.

According to the poster, the student is a strong and well-meaning Christian who is legitimately concerned that her mother is going down the wrong path as she reads one Christian romance after another. The teacher’s post had the air of one who wants to assure a desperate student that things aren’t nearly as bad as they seem.

I read the post and scrolled down. Then scrolled up again. Then down. Then up, rereading the words that didn’t sit right with me. It took me several minutes to realize why.

I saw red flags.

Initially, I didn’t recognize it, but something in my mind wouldn’t let me leave that post without addressing what I’d observed. When I began to focus on the student’s question, I realized the red flags it raised were the same ones I’d overlooked in my own experience as a teacher and, more importantly, as a parent who desperately wanted to do the right thing for my kids.

My husband and I raised our sons in what we believed was a godly environment. There was a small church in our community where the Bible was studied and preached. We loved our pastor specifically because he dug deep into the Scriptures. We made friends in the congregation and among the leadership and began volunteering for ministries so we could help serve God through the church.

Later, a new pastor arrived. His style took some getting used to. The preaching wasn’t as deep or as focused, but the work started to grow by leaps and bounds under him. The ministry became shallower, but with a broader reach.

There were conflicts among the congregation under both pastors, but most were smoothed over by chalking things up to differences in temper, opinion, and personality. Even early on, we, as part of the church, were more intent on keeping the peace than confronting potential problems.

After all, no one is perfect, right?

Even when my husband and I had issues with the pastor or fellow church members, we tried to keep it to ourselves. We didn’t want our sons embroiled in a conflict that wasn’t theirs. They were trained to respect and listen to the adults in the church.

It turned out that policy did more harm than we could have imagined.

The Christian school and church both worked overtime to convince parents that they couldn’t believe everything their children told them about their teachers or church leaders. It became a running joke — “If you don’t believe everything they tell you about us, we won’t believe everything they tell us about you!” That statement was sure to get a laugh from the pulpit.

My sons are adults with their own families now. When we visit and talk, those days of serving at our home church cannot help but come up. Our whole life was spent in that place.

My sons’ teen years centered around school and the youth group. Even though we made very little income as church workers, we ensured our sons had whatever they needed to participate in every fun experience — amusement park trips, youth rallies, plays, spring formals, camps — knowing that each activity came with Bible-centered teaching.

What we didn’t know was how prevalent it was for the youth leaders to teach their own opinions and preferences as if those were just as important as Scripture — and even conflated their teachings AS Scripture.

Whenever we were made aware of the opinion teaching, we discussed it with our sons, but eventually, they just got quieter about sharing what they were learning.

We assumed it was just our teens growing up.

It wasn’t.

It was disapproval.

Little by little a wedge was driven into our family relationship widening the divide between kids and parents. Even though our sons watched us work until we dropped, they were slyly encouraged to explore any area where we fell short spiritually.

That’s what I saw in this weekend’s post. The concern of the student was centered on disapproval of her mother’s reading materials.

Red flag.

I wanted to know where the student got the idea that Christian romance novels might be detrimental to her mother’s spiritual walk.

That’s what the red flag should push the OP to investigate.

In the past two years, I’ve been confronted by the many red flags I’d overlooked when our family was deep in ministry work. I’ve also had questions answered about my sons’ behavior when they were home — behavior I couldn’t understand at the time. It was a low-level anger and frustration that they wouldn’t talk about or address and it made no sense to me.

I remember being questioned about watching television at home following church services. By that time, church services were light on church and heavy on service. I was exhausted and wanted nothing more than to sit on the couch, turn on a DVD (we couldn’t afford cable and streaming wasn’t a thing just yet), and turn off my brain for a few minutes. My practice was deemed unspiritual.

Another time I was confronted with the question, “Do you even like church?” This was after a visiting preacher spent his time behind the pulpit glorifying the “good old days when kids got beat.” I had to explain that I loved my fellow church members, the Bible, and God, but I hated that particular service because it did not reflect the truth or love of our Savior. I had also been sitting next to a triggered abuse survivor who had done nothing to deserve getting two black eyes from her father when she was sixteen. The woman was now an adult older than me, and her father was sitting on the second row nodding along to what was being said, proud of his past record of physical intimidation and abuse. The preacher’s assertion that beatings were “good” was especially grating. I’d left the service furious. My friend left it in tears.

Among the other things my sons were taught to believe in their youth group at church (but not in our home OR in adult services) were that women shouldn’t wear boots since it calls too much attention to them (I, as a fellow teacher and church member of those youth workers, wore dress boots under long skirts all fall and winter). According to them, the preferred look for godly women was high-heeled pumps (because those never attract a man’s attention).

My boys heard that depression was a sign of demonic influence (I had serious issues with depression for years) and that taking medicine for depression or other mental illnesses was wrong (I took St. John’s wart and iron after discovering that my depression was primarily due to anemia).

There was also the convincing argument that when men got married, they should choose a woman who wanted to stay home since any married woman who worked outside the home was letting the world know she was open to having an affair. This was taught by my fellow secondary teachers, workers, and co-laborers in Christ — all of whom were male. I was a working woman, a teacher whose husband was the school administrator. I also headed up several church ministries, but in the eyes of these men, I was suspect.

Nothing I did would ever be good enough, not in the eyes of the male leadership and eventually not in the eyes of my boys.

I realize now, that my sons were being shaped into mini-versions of their leaders. They were training to become men who would lead through intimidation and callous disregard for truth according to the Bible. Instead, they would preach and teach their opinions, standards, and preferences, denying anyone the opportunity to challenge their authority.

It has taken years for my family to recover from these teachings. I’ve apologized for my part in the mess and will continue to do whatever it takes to repair the damage done.

The post concerning a girl worried about her mother’s reading material may seem like a very tiny red flag, but I can’t help but feel it’s marking a significant issue. A wedge is being driven between mother and daughter, and the question has to be: WHO is driving that wedge?

I wrote my concerns in the post's comments, but by the time I was finished, the post had been removed from the group’s page. Unfortunately, the conversation had devolved into arguments concerning the literary value of the romance genre.

The fact that a Christian teen was concerned for her Christian mother’s choice of Christian reading material was largely overlooked. No one was asking why.

So I’m asking.

Why is she concerned about her mother’s reading habits? What has she heard about women who read? What has she been taught about Christian romance? Is she finding herself drawn further and further away from her mother? Is she getting closer and closer to someone in a position of “spiritual authority”? Is she being tested? Is she being groomed?

IS SHE SAFE?

And I’m hoping that the OP somehow sees this and that she starts asking too.

I can’t ignore the red flags anymore.

I only wish I had recognized them years ago.

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Sharing the Seesaw

I’m three weeks into the new year, and I have to keep reminding myself that things are going well.

I finally hit my goal of 1000 followers on Instagram! I have three books in the works!

I “sold” 53 books for my birthday! My meme game is strong! My network of authors is growing!

Then the little dudette on the other end of the seesaw kicks off with a screech.

Are you sure you can keep those IG followers engaged?

And weren’t you planning to start a podcast. How are you going to do that when you can’t even come up with a new blog post every week?

And, yeah, you sold 53 books, but only one of those sales made you any money. The rest were the free ebook you advertised.

Are memes really getting you anywhere?

How does it feel to be the least successful person in your own “network”?

For every positive spin, there is subtext of failure.

One of the big reasons for that is the crazy expectations I’ve put on myself. Like every author, I know I need a platform that includes a strong social media presence and maybe a newsletter or website that needs constant (or at least consistent) maintenance.

And like every author, I’d really prefer it if I could just write my books without being pulled in a dozen different directions.

But, without a platform, readers wouldn’t know where to find my work, so I plug away and incorporate what I love into my platform components.

Consistency can be a problem. When the writing flows, I tend to ignore my platform. When I focus on the platform, it’s harder to get into the writing headspace.

Even worse is the knowledge that there are things I SHOULD be doing. New things. Scary, intimidating things.

And I just sit there like a lump, butt in the dust, letting self-doubt, fear, and anxiety enjoy their reign high in the air on the other end of the seesaw.

But then I kick up from the ground to share a fellow author’s blog post, then begin writing one of my own.

https://janesdaly.com/it-isnt-too-late/

I land just long enough to touch base with the “shoulds” and rise up to create a new scene in novel six and make notes about what to include in novels, seven and eight. I descend to check my sales report and ascend to thank a reader for her review.

I remain at the top as I share her feedback — and my appreciation — on social media, where I also touch base with other authors and readers, recommending books and offering encouragement.

Because if I have to share this stupid seesaw, I want more time on the up side.

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