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BRIDGET WILDER: BOYS DON'T SPY. CHAPTER ONE

As promised, the first chapter in the brand-new short story, Bridget Wilder: Boys Don't Spy.

1) I Feel Bad For Emily Barnicle

sss-sssss-sssss

Some people say their favorite sound is the laughter of children. Those people probably wouldn’t say

that if they heard Joanna Conquest laugh. It doesn’t happen often but, on the rare occasions my best

friend expresses amusement, the hissing noise escaping from her open mouth and closed teeth is a

strong indicator that someone nearby is not having fun. She’s sss-ssss-sssss’ing like a snake right now.

I do a quick sweep of Reindeer Crescent Middle School’s bustling cafeteria. I don’t have far to look.

    Three tables away, a fragile-looking girl is blowing her nose into a white paper tissue and wiping the

corners of her red, teary eyes. She darts glances at the other occupants of her lunch table to see if

they’ve picked up on her distress. The girl’s dining companions, Casey Breakbush, Kelly Beach, and Nola

Milligan respond in a fascinating way. The three slim, pretty popular girls do not outright shun the

weeper. But they don’t acknowledge her presence, either. Casey, Kelly, and Nola don’t turn their backs

on the nose-blowing, red-eyed girl. They just nod, gasp, giggle, and drop incredible revelations about

their experience in the field of being slim, pretty and popular without ever looking at, or  talking to, the

fourth person sitting sobbing at their table.

    Joanna’s sss-ssss-ssss’ing fades away as she starts stabbing at the keyboard of her phone. 

“The Conquest Report dropping major truth bombs,” she cackles as she types. “Worlds are 

about to be rocked. Lives changed forever.” 

    Casey, Kelly, and Nola all rise from their table and walk out of the cafeteria.

    “That’s right, run away, little piggies,” says Joanna. “But you can’t outrun The Conquest Report.”

    I allow myself a small twinge of disappointment at Joanna’s insistence on maintaining her widely

unread school gossip Tumblr. My attention turns to the sad girl who now sits alone at the lunch table

dabbing at her moist eyes.

    “I feel bad for Emily Barnicle,” I say, using the unhappy student’s full name.

    “Waste of feel,” is Joanna’s instant and typically compassionate response. 

    I can see why Joanna has no sympathy for Emily Barnicle’s plight. Firstly, Joanna was born without the

ability to feel sympathy for anybody. Secondly, when Emily was introduced to the class in Room A117  a

few short weeks ago, the first piece of information we were given was that she was Casey Breakbush’s

cousin from Boston. In Joanna’s mind, all the other facts about Emily Barnicle—her parents’ divorce, her

move across the country to Reindeer Crescent, her new living situation with her mother and her

mother’s boyfriend— disappeared in a puff of envy because Emily Barnicle had a VIP pass into Casey

Breakbush’s world. In Joanna’s mind, all the awful, traumatic events in Emily’s life are instantly canceled

out by her instant acceptance into the rarified universe of the slim, pretty, and popular. 

    Being both a person who still has the ability to feel sympathy and an awesome spy, I was able to

observe that Emily Barnicle’s new life in Reindeer Crescent was not the luxury vacation it seemed to

Joanna. After little more than a week of having her around, Casey, Kelly, and Nola walked a little faster.

Almost as if Emily was a stray dog who had become a little too attached to them. A stray dog they

couldn’t bring themselves to turn away, but one they certainly didn’t want to own. I remember the brief

blip when C,K, & N toyed with the notion of perhaps recruiting me into their circle. I can’t imagine I was

would have lasted more than  a week before I was afforded the stray dog treatment so, yes, I feel bad

for Emily Barnicle. I’m about to tell Joanna why when her chair vanishes out from under her and she

plummets to the ground.

    The cafeteria erupts. There is a vast amount of talent and untapped potential in this room. Boys and

girls who could grow up to be lawyers, athletes,  CEOs, entrepreneurs,  artists and scientists. There

might even be a future president sitting right here in the cafeteria. One thing unites these gifted

individuals. They all think someone falling down is the funniest thing in the world. The sight of Joanna

sitting on the floor, her mouth hanging open and a dazed expression on her face, is hysterical.

    My spy senses kick in. Which is to say, my gaze falls on the guy with his feet now resting on Joanna’s

chair, the one  laughing like a hyena and high-fiving a table filled with his buddies.  I mentally reenact

the sneak attack. While Joanna was furiously inputting her scoop that Emily Barnacle was sad, the hyena

pulled the chair out from under her. The hyena, who has wild sticky-uppy hair and a gold front tooth,

holds up his phone and yells,”All Caps strikes again!” He turns the phone on Joanna, capturing her

mortification for a second, and then back  to his own happy face. “I got my next victim all lined up. It

could be you! Don’t sleep. Follow @allcaps for more chair-pull mayhem!”

    The students of Reindeer Crescent do not express outrage that one of their own has been shockingly

assaulted right in front of them. Instead, they jump on their phones and follow this budding social

media prankster, paying exactly zero attention to Joanna’s embarrassment. Well, almost all of them do.

    “Here, let me help you up,” says Emily Barnicle, reaching a hand down to Joanna. I join Emily and we

pull our fallen colleague to her feet.

    “Wait up!” screeches an all-too-familiar voice. “Was it All Caps who made her fall over or was it sitting

too close to the smell of Bridget Wilder?”

    I thought  Brendan Chew had learned to tread lightly when it came to Bridget Wilder.  I search Chew

out and direct my most intimidating glare in his direction. But he’s in the middle of a table packed with

laughing dudes, all pointing their cameras at me and Emily as we try to hoist Joanna back to a standing

position, which is no easy feat. I understand she wants the ground to swallow her up but she’s not

giving us much to work with. Think you’re safe huddled in the middle of that crowd of malicious dorks,

Chew? Think again.

    “Why are guys so mean?” asks Emily.

    I think of Dale Tookey, the double agent and hacker I kissed twice. I skip quickly past my brother,

Ryan, and think of my father, Jeff Wilder, and my biological father, Carter Strike, the legendary spy. I

have actual evidence that not all guys are mean. Unfortunately, none of my evidence attends Reindeer

High Middle School. I look at Brendan Chew and All Caps and all the other boys jeering at Joanna, Emily

and I.

    “Because we let them,” is all I can think of to say.

MORE NEXT WEEK!!

    

BRAND NEW BRIDGET!!!

Book 2 in the Bridget Wilder trilogy, Spy To The Rescue, will be available to buy on May 31. But if you can't wait that long--and who could blame you?-- a brand new Bridget short story is coming to this very site.  A chapter a week filled with action, gadgets, shocking twists, familar characters and new favorites.

Bridget, Joanna and their new friend Emily Barnicle are plagued and tormented by the insensitive male population of Reindeer Crescent Middle School. And then something unexpected happens. The boys who are the biggest bane of Bridget and her friend's lives suddenly stop being mean. They don't just stop being mean. They're nice, kind,caring and compassionate. But nobody just changes like that overnight unless they've got a hidden agenda or an evil plan. Is that what's going on with the boys in Bridget's school? Or is something far more sinister happening?

Coming soon:

BRIDGET WILDER:BOYS DON'T SPY

BRIDGET'S FLUTE FAVORITES

 Another classic from the flute universe. Better than Ryan Adams!

BRIDGET'S FLUTE FAVORITES

Before she became engulfed in the spy world, Bridget Wilder had one distinguishing characteristic. She played the flute. Not for long and not particularly well, but for a brief period, it was her thing.

Readers of BW: Spy-In-Training, and the upcoming Bridget Wilder:Spy To The Rescue will be aware that she occasonally references her flute-playing days, and that she keeps her unused instrument under her bed. Maybe she'll return to the sweet sounds of the wind instrument one day. In the meantime, here is the first of a melodic new feature that scours You Tube for music's greatest flautists.

BRIDGET'S SPY SONG PLAYLIST

 GREEN DAY - ESPIONAGE

My Green Day fandom started a few years ago when I went to see American Idiot on Broadway. It ended about 20 minutes into me seeing American Idiot when the realization that I was going to be stuck in a theater listening to two hours of Green Day music finally kicked in.

Espionage solves my enduring problems with Green Day. It's an instrumental, recorded, but never used, for Austin Powers. No nasal Billie Joe vocals, no lyrics. 

COMING SOON...WELL, MAY 31, 2016. BUT IT'S RIGHT AROUND THE CORNER...

BRIDGET'S SPY SONG PLAYLIST

 PULP- I SPY

I get a little uncomfortable when reminded of the Britpop era of the early nineties. Grunge was not for me, neither was Acid House or gangsta rap or Garth Brooks, which was pretty much all that was on offer at the time. So when the British music media started trumpeting an exciting new movement of homegrown bands with repertoires packed with instant classics that packed a punch but were still recognizably pop, I was absolutely on board. Maybe a little too much on board.

I can't imagine listening to Blur now. Or Suede. Or Elastica. Or Sleeper, Echobelly, Supergrass or any other mono-monkered nineties outfit I was a overly enthusiastic about at the time. (Honorable mention: Oasis. Those first two albums, and a few songs from the reviled third one still resonate).

But there's one Britpop act I have no shame about over-liking. The big thing about Pulp was, they were REALLY LATE bloomers. They'd been scraping around since the late 1970s. It was a combination of resilence, talent and timing that swept them to prominence along with much fresher-faced acts. Their age, their experience, the lengthily-marinating persona of frontman Jarvis Cocker combined to make Pulp a much, darker, more cynical propsition than their Britpop peers.

Their signature song Common People is the defining moment from their big hit Different Class album. This song, I Spy, is creepy and claustrophic. It's more representative of the road they'd take in subsequent albums.  Pulp's popularity dwindled swiftly after Different Class, but their brief belated burst of fame almost justifies the existance of Britpop. Almost.

BRIDGET'S NETFLIX QUEUE OF SPY MOVIES AND TV SHOWS

 CATS AND DOGS

Brilliant idea: a secret agent movie pitting loyal, trusting, dependable dogs against vicious, heartless, manipulative, evil cats. Probably more enjoyable if it was two minutes rather than ninety, but still fun. Because it's true...

BRIDGET'S SPY SONG PLAYLIST

 T'PAU-BRIDGE OF SPIES

From the bad end of the Eighties--1988, to be exact-- this British band named after a Star Trek character had a big hit in America that did nothing in their homeland, and then they had a No.1 in the Uk that did nothing in America. The American song, Heart And Soul is considerably better than the British ballad China In Your Hands. A version of T'Pau, still fronted by flame-haired, tiny-eyed front person Carol Decker, still exists. This is the title song from their only hit album which went on to inspire the current movie by Steven Spielberg.