Lori Epting's Blog, page 3

When You Don’t See Eye-to-Eye with Your Spouse

It’s the age old question in marriage: What do we do when we don’t see eye-to-eye? 

What if we disagree on how to handle our three-year-old’s meltdowns?
What if I’m a saver and my spouse is more of a spender?
What if we differ on how often we desire affection or sex?

Or even more relevant lately . . . 

What if we have different opinions on how long we should wash our hands?
What if we disagree on if we should wear masks? 
What if we differ on whether or not grandma can come for a visit?

What do we do???

 I’m happy to save your a trip to therapy and let you in on this relationship secret:  

When you and your spouse have a difference of opinion, it is almost impossible to find common ground from a disconnected place. The first problem you want to solve is connection, then you can tackle the difference of opinion with a lot more ease.  

Let me illustrate: 

During quarantine day #5867, my two daughters woke up to a rainy day. My five-year-old woke up too early and was cranky from the second her feet hit the ground. My eight-year-old was bummed because the neighborhood pool (our only saving grace right now) would be closed. Realizing my fate of trying to fill the next thirteen hours, I let them start the rainy morning with a movie. I watched them argue for the next twenty minutes about which movie to watch. It was a nail-biter argument between Wreck it Ralph and Frozen II. They could NOT see eye-to-eye. The argument ended with them choosing not to watch anything, rather than submitting to the request of the other. They went their separate ways and played in their rooms.  

Slowly, they made their ways out of their rooms and spent the next two hours in what I call parenting euphoria. They played happily together, without any need for mediation, and laughed and giggled the whole time. After lunch, I told them they could try again to watch a movie as a reward for their great behavior. It was the moment of truth, I sat back and watched from afar. Here’s what I saw:

After spending two hours playing together and feeling all the sisterly love, they decided in one minute how to resolve their difference of opinions. They decided to watch Wreck it Ralph (the five-year-old’s preference) and after, they would play “nail salon” (the eight-year-old’s preference).  

They confirmed in that moment what I know to be true in relationships. If you do not feel securely connected, a difference of opinion holds a lot of meaning. When you and your partner feel close and connected, you can tolerate each other’s differences and more easily find common ground. 

In a fragile relationship, a difference in preference for sex can create a huge rupture. In a connected relationship, it’s often nothing more than a frustration. In a fragile relationship, a difference in spending can lead two people to wonder if they are right for each other. In a connected relationship, it’s often nothing more than a periodically annoying conversation.  

Disagreements can create ruptures (Are we right for each other? Are we too different? Do we want the same things?) when a relationship is on shaky ground. For the solid secure relationship, disagreements are just that . . . disagreements. In other words, they are just two people who love and value each other, with a different point of view.  Nothing more, nothing less.  

If you find yourself getting bogged down in all of your marital disagreements, I encourage you to start with connection. Once you have solved that, the rest is a lot easier to figure out. Read more here for past posts about connection if you need some help here. It’s a great way to start resolving your differences!

 

How to be Effective in Your Relationship

Since my gym is closed, my kids don’t go to school and it was my turn to teach 2nd grade and preschool, I went for an early morning run before my husband hunkered down to work—a typical morning in #quarantinelife. On my run, I listened to a great interview on the podcast, Armchair Expert with Dax Shephard. He interviewed Glennon Doyle, author of Untamed and Love Warrior. It wasn’t even 7am when Dax and Glennon said something, in only a few sentences, that could drastically change many struggling marriages. When I heard these words, my little marriage counselor heart did a leap as I thought “Gosh, I wish everyone knew this . . . how much better their relationships would be.”

In the interview, Glennon talked about her difficulties with control in her marriage—how she struggles with trying to control her partner to do things “her way.”  She explained, one day, in response to her attempt to control a situation, her partner said to her, “It makes me so sad when you do that. When you try to control what I’m doing, it makes me feel like you don’t trust me and that makes me really sad because I really trust you.”

Dax said the exact thing I was thinking: “Wow, what a great way to communicate—an effective way to get through to you.”

Yes, Dax, yes!! It was effective. In one sentence, she said the most effective thing you can say to a partner when trying to express a need for change.  

In other words, she said: “This is the way your specific behavior makes me feel—here is the meaning it holds for me—and it hurts me so much, because of the value you hold in my life.” 

Yes!

What is your responsibility and what is your partner’s? 

It is your responsibility to learn how to effectively communicate your feelings to your spouse.  And it is so doable! It is not your responsibility to control how your spouse responds to your effective communication. But we may never know what the possibilities are . . . how much your spouse may be willing to modify, alter, or change their behaviors, unless it is communicated in an effective way. We can wait for them to have an epiphany or reach a spontaneous level of self-awareness. And those things may happen—however, I wouldn’t recommend you hold your breath while you are waiting. When someone you love and trust speaks truth to you in a vulnerable and loving way, it can be a huge motivator for change. It may not actually result in changed behavior, but it is by far the best tool in your relational toolbox. 

How to be effective

The best way to learn how to be effective is to know what you are already doing that is ineffective.

Here is a short list of ineffective communication:

Criticism (You don’t do it right.)
Judgment (I can’t believe you are doing it that way.)
Comparison (Other people do it this way, which is better than how you do it.)
Self-righteous (I do it this way and it is better than your way.)
Building your case (Other people also see how bad your way is and agree with me: our children, our friends, your brother, my mom, everyone.)

Here is a short list of effective communication:

Here is how your behaviors make me feel (not how they make me feel about you, but the feelings inside of me that they evoke:  not important, lonely, sad, inadequate).
Here is the meaning your behaviors hold for me (what I tell myself about me/our relationship as a result of your behaviors).
And it makes me feel that way because you are important to me/I love you/I value you.

Now is a great time to learn some new relationship skills. And, as far as I can tell, we all need a little extra help right now in our quarantine relationships. This is one of the most effective relationship tools . . . hands down. 

 

Making Sense of Quarantine Fights

We at Marriage Sense want you to know we are praying and thinking of all of those who are out in the world helping others. Thank you for providing the rest of us the items and services we need to stay at home and keep ourselves and our families healthy and safe. Also, for those directly affected by COVID-19, whether you have the virus and are battling it, have lost someone to it, or are one of the lucky ones to have recovered from it, our hearts are with you. While there is nothing funny about this pandemic, we both find solace in laughing and connecting with others, and we hope our writing brings you some temporary relief and even a chuckle.

In the last few weeks I have been doing strictly teletherapy and I have heard many interesting things. I have come to help people label the insanity that is going on inside our homes as “COVID complaints.” COVID complaints are a real thing, and left unmanaged, COVID complaints may turn into irrational arguments which in turn could become total knock-down, drag-out COVID fights. This pandemic is bad enough. Let’s figure out how to avoid making it worse to where leaving the house becomes the safer option!

What is a COVID complaint? Here are just a few examples, but feel free to get cozy in your “daytime” pajamas and reflect on the last several weeks to think what your COVID complaints have been.

burnt toast or bagel
someone not wiping down the glass shower after using it
making the homemade hand sanitizer incorrectly
your adult spouse not washing their hands for the full twenty seconds
someone picking the movie two nights in a row
finding an empty box of cereal in the pantry
having two mustards open in the fridge
not wiping the groceries down as well as someone from the CDC does
your mate watching SportsCenter
when the Instacart guy brings you lemon pepper smoked salmon vs. the regular you requested
someone leaving half-empty cans of soda in the refrigerator
deciding who gets primary custody of the remote
cheating at Monopoly (no, snake eyes does not mean you get one of every bill from the bank)
finding empty water bottles around the house

Questionable COVID complaints, bordering on COVID arguments:

Someone using the last of the toilet paper. This is a COVID complaint IF you have tissue back-up somewhere else in the house; NOT a COVID complaint if it is truly the last stash in the house, and you should know right now that your family members are just downright cruel.
Someone finishing the last cookie that you had hidden in the bottom of the Tupperware on the uppermost shelf in your pantry (actually this is not a COVID complaint, this is downright cause for divorce).
Someone finishing the last glass in the last bottle of wine (depending on how you are choosing to cope with quarantine, this also may not be a COVID complaint but rather cause for divorce.)

Here are actual COVID arguments I have heard, although stories and names have been changed to protect the insane:

My client Mona: “My husband was taking a shower and did not squeegee the shower door when he was done. I noticed it, took a deep breath, but did not say anything. I got done working my virtual three-day work week; he is off work due to COVID-19, mind you. I went to the refrigerator to start dinner while he watched SportsCenter. (There are not even any sports being played so why the hell is he watching it? Ugh!) Anyway, in the refrigerator I found THREE open cans of soda, and TWO of the same kind of mustard in there.”

At this point in her story I needed clarification to assess how bad this really was getting.

Me: “So, to be clear not one honey mustard and one Dijon, but two of the SAME kind? Also what kind of soda because I know you like the finer things in life, I am guessing this isn’t generic soda or even Diet Coke, but some kind of artisanal soda?”

Mona: “See you get it!!! Yes, same kind of mustard!!! Different brands—one Safeway, one Sprouts but same exact kind!! And yes, Spindrift soda, those are like $1 a can! The nerve! Again, I swallowed my anger and proceeded to make dinner. Then he asked me if he could mix us up some mocktails. I lost it when he tried to put some flat soda in my glass and I demanded he drink the mixture of non-carbonated swill and make me a fresh one because I deserved it, damn it.”

Me: “Hmm. Do you think any of those are COVID complaints that turned into a COVID war?”

Mona: “Well maybe, a little.” (Laughs)

How to Handle COVID Complaints

Learning how to handle the COVID complaints can keep them from escalating to COVID arguments. 

Let the small things go. Ask yourself: If I was not trapped in my house with these people would I really be complaining about this? (Side note, I wouldn’t be reading this blog either because I would be at a store or the movies or ANYWHERE besides in this damn house with these people I “love.”) If the answer is no, then call it a COVID complaint. Let the COVID complaints go: they will serve no good to anyone. You could write it down on paper cursing the person out and get all the meanness out, then rip it up into tiny, tiny pieces so your mate can’t “Argo” it together and know how evil and completely insane you are. Or you could call your best friend and read them the following script: “This is a COVID compliant and I need to vent it out before it gets the best of me. I know I am completely irrational at this point, and I will not apologize for that, but you, as my best friend, are obligated to let me unleash until it is all out. Do you think you can stop your Netflix binge and spare me thirty minutes?” (One of us may or may not have done this once—or four times—in the last three weeks).

In Mona’s example from above, if she had vented to her friend about the water-splattered shower door and then let it go, she could have de-escalated her emotions and gone on about her day free and clear of anger and stress.

Maybe also dust off the book on your shelf Don’t Sweat The Small Stuff by Richard Carlson that your spouse gave you as a “gift.” I am sure a Don’t Sweat the COVID-19 Stuff will be written soon.

Don’t let things build up. It is an intense time and we are all going to be a little on edge until Dr. Fauci tells us we can take off our daily leisure wear, shower, actually put on makeup and not just “Zoom makeup,” comb the backs of our heads and go out and sit next to a stranger in a booth at a restaurant. When we let silly things that are normally level one or two build up with no reset, they build up to nine or ten really fast. And even if you have read every silly, uplifting meme, you’ve listened to the clapping and cheering of the 7am/7pm healthcare change of shifts in NYC, and you’ve watched celebrities and common folk do hilarious COVID-19 parodies of famous songs, a level nine or ten blowup is hard to stop once the snowball starts rolling downhill. So, if it is something you really can’t let go of, then talk about it. Talk about it early so that it can come out more filtered.

Back to Mona, if she had told her spouse she was getting annoyed by the lack of help in the kitchen, or that she was irritated at finding the soda cans, it likely would have gone a little smoother. Can you imagine if he put too much ice in the mocktail? Ohhhhh, let’s not even go there.

Be curious. If you’ve ever been in my office for longer than thirty minutes you’ve probably heard me use the terms “be curious.” It is simply a brilliant position to be in. Being curious as to why people are doing the things they’re doing rather than making judgments about why they’re doing them is a healthier place to be. It also stops one from assuming that one’smate is coming from a place of ill intent.

In Mona’s case, she didn’t stop to ask her husband why there were two opened mustards. If she had taken this proactive step, she would have found out that he knows she prefers the Sprouts brand and there was only a little bit left, so he saved it for her and opened the new one for himself. He was being considerate, not blind like she had accused him of being.

Different ways we can be curious? Questions we can ask ourselves or the other inmates:

Why would someone put the toaster setting all the way up to level 9?
Hmm, I am curious as to why, after I come back from getting some snacks, your Monopoly money pile has gained significant interest? Did you already receive your stimulus check and not tell us?
Do water and vodka mixed really make a surface clean? Are there not better uses for these beverages?
Help me understand why you like to watch SportsCenter when there are no live sports being played to recap.
How does that remote feel? I have never had it in my hand, may I see if I am able to push those up and down arrows as well as you?
I am curious if I can select a movie to watch as skillfully as you have for the last three weeks. Okay if I pick tonight?

 

Have gratitude. It is simply my favorite thing to do right now. Research shows (and by research I mean what I have observed in my own house, my family and friends’ houses via Zoom, and my clients via Telehealth) that people who are able to get into a place of gratitude are healthier, more active, having more sex, happier, less irritable, more balanced and overall more joyous people to be around. In my house, we strive to share one nugget of gratitude a day with each other. Usually for my eleven-year-old, it is that he gets to do virtual school in his pajamas. My sixteen-year-old is delighted he gets to eat popcorn and gummy bears all day long, stuffed away in his personal “classroom” without being bothered for hours. And for my husband, he gets to leave the house to go work in his solo office, avoid homeschooling (our youngest is in a Mandarin immersion program), and come home to a homemade meal.

Mona could have taken a ride on the gratitude railroad for a happier outcome. She could have been thankful her man took a shower: one less smelly thing around the joint! She could have appreciated that he was so thoughtful to save her the last of said condiment. And I don’t know the last time my husband offered to mix me up a mocktail but that sounds refreshing right about now!

Here’s how to turn some other COVID complaints into an attitude of gratitude:

You have a toaster that works. Don’t act like when you were little, your parents didn’t scrape off the burnt part to make a brand new piece of toast for you.
Hey, your family members are hydrating with water, that is wonderful! Play a game later of who can make a basket in the recycling bin with their empty water bottles.
Be grateful that you don’t need to time someone anymore when they wash their hands, let him be a grown up man.
Really, you need smoked salmon on your bagels during a quarantine? Well, be grateful for that lemon pepper salmon and sit and enjoy.

ADD version

I forgot to tell you all my gratitude. I am grateful that I am healthy and safe inside my home. And even though my family can drive me crazy, I am glad that I have them here with me. I’m also thankful that I have the knowledge and ability (for the most part) to identify a COVID complaint when I am having it, to let it go when I am able, to not let things build up, to be able to be curious, and to have gratitude while I am doing it . . . all of course while in my comfy, cozy clothes eating my smoked salmon with a hidden cookie in my sock for dessert!

We WILL get through this.

Lori and Shanna

 

7 Ways to Stay Connected With Your Spouse During COVID-19

How strange. I think that every time my four-year-old tells me a story lately. It starts with, “Hey mom, remember before coronavirus when we . . . ” Yes, sweetie. I remember. Seems like eons ago at this point.  

We are all hanging in there. Some better than others. Our marriage-counselor hearts are so grateful that technology has allowed us to keep working with our couples. We hear the stories of each couple in quarantine. It’s a mixture of anxiety, fear, boredom, sadness, depression, connection, appreciation of the slow-down, annoyance, and grief, among many others.  

For some, they are reconnecting like never before. Spending time together for the first time in years has helped their relationship. They report, “things are actually better between us.” The tension from their disconnected, busy lives has lightened a bit in quarantine. For others, it’s quite the opposite. They entered quarantine with a variety of struggles and marital hardships that only seem to be exacerbated in the close confines of their home. Or, they are experiencing a level of anxiety or quarantine-related stress that is negatively impacting their relationships in quarantine.  

Whether quarantine has helped or hurt your marriage, we have some tips to help keep your marriage and your sanity intact.  

Have a daily coronavirus check-in. Couples don’t always have time in their busy lives to check in everyday. Sometimes it’s not till the week’s end before we have time to sit down with our partners and debrief. In quarantine, this needs to happen daily. Couples who are faring well are sharing their daily anxieties, struggles, disappointments and triumphs with each other. 15-20 minutes. Brainstorm your solutions for the next day.  And then let it go. Don’t talk about coronavirus all day every day.
Affection.  With the exception of our kids/pets draped on us all day, we are starved for affection. We aren’t getting hugs from our friends, extended family, or neighbors. We need to be touched by people we love. And spouse, that is you and you only I’m afraid. We need all the cuddles, back rubs, hugs, and kisses every day.
Fun.  It’s okay to have fun! Couples who are doing well in quarantine are being creative with their fun. Look at old picture albums, dream about trips you want to take when we can move freely around the world again, have a board game tournament, cook together, play basketball, watch a Netflix series, or schedule a couples date night with your fav friends through Zoom. So many options!  
Have a good attitude.  Everyone is feeling the effects of a socially-starved life. All the canceled plans and disappointments are felt by us all. We know these aren’t the memories you were planning to have, but they are different memories. Couples are doing better when they are shifting their attitude away from all the disappointments and focusing more on creating positive quarantine memories. What a unique time to create memories. We will never forget this time of our lives.
Don’t judge each other.  THESE ARE NOT OUR BEST SELVES! We aren’t meant to live life like this and therefore, we are showing colors in us that were never supposed to be seen. Don’t judge yourself or your partner for how you are reacting.  Give lots of grace right now.
Take time away from each other.  It’s nothing personal, we just don’t like hanging out with you all day every day.  
Be a comfort to each other.  Whatever your spouse is struggling with right now, tell them how valid their fears, worries, and disappointments are. Talk to them about it. Give them a comforting ear and empathize with them. Let COVID-19 be the thing that pulls you closer together. Going through hard times together can pull you together, only if you lean on each other and find comfort in each other.  

Finally, to all the essential workers that are on the front lines, we know that you aren’t in the position to “have fun.” We know that you are focused on survival and “creating positive memories” is not a possibility when you are saving lives or working so the rest of us can buy food, medicine, and other necessities. We see you and we thank you!

Stay connected to your spouse . . . but six feet away from everyone else!

~Lori and Shanna

 

COVID-19 and Your Marriage….So Many Questions.

Being totally transparent as marriage counselors, we want you to know we are just like you: we are in the midst of the COVID-19 pandemic and we have way more questions than answers. We find ourselves in our homes (which seem to get smaller by the day) with our families (whom we used to be much more fond of) spending a lot more time (24 hours seems often like 40) than we are used to spending all together. So we dusted off our laptops (that are now being used to communicate with our clients through video sessions), and put our brains and expertise together to come up with tools and strategies to help your marriage survive COVID-19. We will share these in future posts, so stay tuned.

Now back to the questions we have been pondering—most of which we truly do not have the answers to:

What is the acceptable time to change from daytime to nighttime pajamas?
What is the CDC recommendation for wine consumption while in quarantine?
Do the effects of screen time on the gray matter in a child’s brain apply during quarantine?
When does my spouse go back to work? Can it be any sooner? Is it okay to wish they would leave now? Why do we say “workaholic” is a negative term during this pandemic?
How do you stop a group text with people sending memes that you have already seen in about 37 of your other group texts? And how do you politically bow out when everyone has to like, thumbs up, ha ha, or exclamation point every fricking one?
Have you (for even one minute) fantasized about committing a non-violent crime because police are not doing anything about those in the moment? (Oh yeah, we haven’t either.)
Is it okay to call a struggling restaurant to complain about a misorder in your delivery? What if they forgot your guacamole, then is it’s okay? 
What is a list of acceptable ways to get off a phone call because everyone knows you have nothing to do and no reason to end the call?
How do you say “No” to the Zoom invite from a friend? Again, they know we are not really doing anything at home except attempting to corral our children into some sort of routine and structure that they complain about endlessly.
Is it okay to really enjoy being quarantined?
How can you effectively sneak into your room and binge watch TV after having just complained to your children that you can literally smell their minds rotting from TV overconsumption?
How truly unprofessional is it to wear pajama bottoms and a fancy shirt during video sessions with clients if they can only see the top part of you?
What if you lose count in hand-washing seconds because every single member of your family is trying to talk to you at the same time?
Is it selfish to hide the last roll of “good” toilet paper in your closet and let the others in your house use the sandpaper stuff that was the only kind left in the store? What if you shared a few squares with your spouse when they were being extra helpful?
What were we thinking when we wished we weren’t so busy and that we just had some down time?
How in the hell do teachers do it?

We have found great relief right now through laughter.  We know there are some tough, stressful and flat out scary situations out there.  We hope to provide quarantined couples with some tools and strategies in future posts and also some light-hearted laughs too!

Stay safe, stay sane, we are all in this together. 

Lori and Shanna

 

Five Ways to Find a Good Marriage Counselor

If you are looking for a good mechanic or plumber, you probably have no problem sending out a text blast or posting on Facebook a recommendation request. However, if you are looking for a good marriage counselor, it’s a little trickier. People just aren’t as open about their marriage counselor as they are their dentist. These are five good ways to take to make sure you find the right therapist for something as sacred and important as your marriage.

Find a specialist.

When my daughter started having weird rashes, my pediatrician recognized—after several failed antibiotics and ointments—that we needed to see a specialist. We met with the pediatric dermatologist for about thirty seconds before she accurately diagnosed her condition. With the correct diagnosis and treatment, her skin cleared up in less than a week.  

The same thing applies to therapy. If you are looking specifically for marriage counseling, find someone who specializes. Look on their website or call and ask them if they specialize in working with couples, and if so, what training/certifications or modalities they use. All therapists technically can “treat” couples, but certain therapists go through speciality training to become specialists. 

Get a referral.

Your marriage is just too important to leave it up to chance. Ask around to find the well-known, respected marriage counselors in your area. Yes, it means the people you ask will know you are having marital struggles. But when you ask your friends, co-workers, neighbors, church friends, or gym work-out partners if they know of anyone, you will be surprised how many of those have been to marriage counseling before. Great people to ask for referrals are friends, pediatricians, OB-GYNs, psychiatrists, nurse practitioners, and pastors. If you know someone who loves their individual therapist or their child’s therapist, get their name and call them for a referral to a marriage specialist. The good therapists usually know each other and refer back and forth to each other due to a mutual trust they have in each other’s work.  

Find the approach that resonates best for you and your partner.

There are two well-known, credible approaches to couples counseling. Now, you may  find a therapist who doesn’t do one of these approaches and is still a wonderful couples therapist.  However, if you don’t have a referral from a trusted source, I would find someone who does one of these approaches: Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFT) www.icefft.com or The Gottman Method www.gottmanmethod.com. Both have a ton of research supporting their effectiveness and both require a lot of advanced training. As an EFT therapist, I’m a bit biased and think EFT is the best couples therapy out there. But, ultimately, I recommend you look into both and see what resonates with you and your partner.

Be willing to shop around.

You should shop for your therapist the same way you shop for a car. You likely didn’t buy the first car you test drove on the lot and in many ways, this is no different. If you have a great referral and you meet that therapist and it feels good, then you have my permission to stop there.  However, if you are going at it a bit more blindly, take the time to have a phone consultation and/or an initial session with two or three therapists before making a decision on which therapist feels like the best fit.  

Assess if it’s a good fit.

Does the therapist seem knowledgeable about couples issues? Does the therapist seem neutral and like a safe place for both of you? Does the therapist have a plan for how the therapy will proceed? Does this plan resonate for both of you? These are questions you and your partner can discuss together after the initial session to decide if you want to continue with this therapist or try someone new. 

Remember, this is your marriage, so finding the right fit is important. Take the time to do your homework so you can give your marriage the best shot! 

 

Why Small Things Become Big Things in Your Relationship: Making Sense of Trauma

Two years ago, I started the daunting task of potty training my two year old. The Cliffs Notes version is she was timid about pooping in the potty, something my pediatrician told me was very normal. This led to her holding it, which led to constipation, which led to a painful first experience on the potty, which led to months and months of resistance, lots of tears (mostly mine to be clear) and endless frustrations. 

Once I got to the point of visualizing my daughter in her cap and gown graduating from high school in a pull-up, I decided to call a trusted colleague for help. She sent me a book called The Ins and Outs of Poop by Thomas R. DuHamel. The book told me that my daughter had been through a poop trauma and therefore, needed to go through some trauma resolution steps to help her feel comfortable and safe pooping in the potty. This may sound as dramatic and over-the-top to you as it did to me at first. Until a mere five days later, after following the trauma resolution protocol, I had a bona fide potty pooper. And just like that, I believed the book’s every word.

Why are you telling me this and how does this help my marriage? Great question.  

I’m telling you this to teach you about trauma. If you or your partner has been through something traumatic (even if the traumatic event was years or even decades ago), it may be affecting your relationship. It may be causing behaviors (likely not resistance to pooping in the potty) that are problematic in your relationship. You may be responding to these behaviors with frustration, tears, and anger like I was, and feel as hopeless as I felt. I needed to know three important things to help my daughter and restore sanity back to our lives. These three things can help your relationship too.

Acknowledging that there was a traumatic event. 

I hear this all the time in couples therapy: Why does my partner get so upset over such small things? 

When there has been trauma—an experience when a person felt unsafe, violated, abused, abandoned, betrayed, neglected or helpless to protect themselves or someone else—there is often a long-term impact. This impact commonly shows up in intimate relationships.  

For example, Mike may express frustration that Amanda forgot to call the plumber. When he complains, Amanda gets extremely defensive and hostile. Mike is quick to conclude that Amanda is irrational and overly emotional. What Mike later learns in couples therapy is that when Amanda would forget a task as a child, her father would berate her and call her insulting names. When Mike pointed out her forgotten task, she subconsciously braced herself for a verbal attack.  

Once the pooping book told me very directly that my child had gone through a poop trauma (yes that makes me giggle a little now), I immediately had a different feeling toward her behaviors. Instead of frustration, I felt compassion. The same thing happened for Mike. He stopped viewing Amanda as a drama queen, and instead, compassionately recognized she had been through something traumatic.

     2. Recognizing the behavior as an adaptive response to trauma.

To be clear, I am not saying accept difficult behaviors and don’t worry about them because they came from trauma. I am saying, recognize that your partner’s response was likely a very adaptive way to protect himself or herself from harm or prevent future harm during or after a traumatic experience. Instead of “What is wrong with you?” It’s more like “Oh, I get why you avoid talking to me when you are upset, emotions were probably scary in your home growing up, and keeping quiet was the most effective way to stay safe.”

If someone is expecting pain, it makes sense to be avoidant. When someone is expecting to be hurt, it makes sense to get defensive and self-protective.

Understanding my daughter’s reaction as a response to a traumatic event changed everything.  When I thought my daughter was just being stubborn (“I don’t like the potty, I prefer a pull-up”), I got super frustrated. When I realized my daughter was scared it was going to hurt, like it did the first time, I again felt compassion.

    3. Learning what helps.

The knowledge that my daughter went through a trauma and was having an expected trauma response did not make me give up and invest in years’ worth of pull-ups. And you shouldn’t expect that the problematic response of your partner continue endlessly as well. What this knowledge did do was motivate me to learn more, understand more about what she was going through and use more effective tools in the moment to help her feel safe so that she could change her problem behavior.  

You can’t resolve your partner’s trauma for them. However, I have seen partners significantly promote their partner’s healing from trauma when they come alongside them with compassion, knowledge and tools. 

Who knew poop could teach us so much?

 

What Do We Do Now? Making Sense of Sex Addiction and Infidelity

How do we build trust? Is there hope? Can we repair our relationship? What do we do now?

These are common questions we are asked when couples come in after the discovery of infidelity and/or a sexual addiction.  We had the privilege of talking with one of the experts in the field of infidelity and sexual addiction to answer these questions for you.  Stefanie Carnes, Ph.D., CSAT-S, is one of the best resources out there (read more about her below).  Here is what she had to say: 

What are some of the first things you tell couples after discovery of a sexual addiction or infidelity?

One of the first things I do is validate for the partner how traumatic discovery is and teach both parties about betrayal trauma.  I encourage both partners to do their own therapy process. I tell them how important it is to be doing individual work and group therapy. If we know there is a sex addiction, I provide education regarding sex addiction, what it is and what treatment looks like.  Early on, I also ask who they have already talked to about it.  One mistake some people make early on is oversharing with people in their community.  Sometimes, when they share with others, they may feel shamed or lose their support.  I help them discern who is appropriate to tell, who they would not feel judged by.  It is very important they have support people, but it’s also important to have the right support people.  

What are the best ways for couples to repair the relationship after infidelity?

If a partner wants to know more information about the betrayal, I encourage them to do an appropriate facilitated disclosure.  I encourage the partner who is an addict or has committed the betrayal, to maintain an attitude of honesty and transparency.  I encourage them to be open about their recovery process.  Also, to be patient and understanding about the trauma response of the betrayal for their partner.  Sometimes, the partners reactions are very hard for the addict.  I try to educate the addict on betrayal trauma and help them respond in a way that is sensitive to their partner’s pain. 

What are some trust-building behaviors after infidelity? 

Openness and a willingness to be transparent. For example, to share their phones and answer their partners questions.  In the early stages, it is really important that they provide reassurance and support to their partner. 

What you do tell spouses who are deciding to stay or go? 

I try to have them delay decision-making if possible.  Some partners have already made up their minds and I support them in any decision they have made.  However, I do encourage them to take the opportunity to see if recovery can talk hold. Have the partners wait and “collect data.” I advise them to take some time to watch their partner.  See if they respond to treatment, demonstrate commitment, are more relatable and have recovery-oriented behaviors.  See if their actions start matching up with their words. The first six months after discovery is really telling.  This time frame gives the addict and opportunity to commit to recovery and possibly save the relationship.  

What are some common blocks to rebuilding trust that you see when working with couples?

Relapses can happen in early recovery.  Relapses are such a trigger for betrayed spouses.  They can be really painful and set a couple back.  If there is a sex addiction, addicts need to fully commit to recovery.  They need to jump into it 100%.  When they don’t, their partners notice and it is a block for them to get emotionally reinvested in the relationship.  Other blocks are when they get into control issues, for example, not wanting to share the contents of their phone.  This makes partners question their commitment and dedication to trust-building.  In my experience, it doesn’t work well to get into fights about this things.  Either surrender and get fully committed, or you will probably lose the relationship.  You can’t waffle or ride the fence of recovery.  If a partner doesn’t see the accountability and changes, they can lose hope for the relationship.  

What is a reasonable expectation for couples after significant betrayals?

It is going to take a long time to repair.  Sometimes, when addicts get into recovery, they think “I’m doing well” and they expect their partners to get through it quickly.  It is not a quick process. It can take 3-5 years. To restore trust, they have to demonstrate change and honesty over a long period of time.  

What are your thoughts about using a polygraph after a discovery? 

There is conflicted research on the reliability of the polygraph.  However, it can be clinically useful to provide reassurance for the partner.  Especially with there has been many many staggered disclosures, it’s an opportunity for addict to demonstrate they are putting everything out on the table. 

Can you tell us about an impact statement?  

I do an exercise to help clients build empathy for their betrayed partner.  The impact statement helps them consider all the ways their partner has been impacted: physical health, financially, self-esteem, emotional well-being. I have them write a letter from point of view of their partner to themselves.  It helps gain empathy and compassion and an understanding of the betrayal trauma their partner is going through. 

Your new book you mentioned is coming out soon. Anything our readers can look forward to in reading it? 

It should be out early next year.  It’s unique in that it is a book for couples to read together.  The Impact statement model is in the new book. It is an eight-part letter and gives the addict guidance for different areas to think about.   I want this as complete as possible so the partner really feels heard.  

Stefanie Carnes, Ph.D., CSAT-S is the President of the International Institute for Trauma and Addiction Professionals, a training institute and professional organization for addiction professionals, and a senior fellow for Meadows Behavioral Healthcare where she works with sexually addicted clients and their families. She has authored several books for partner’s of sex addicts and has a new book, for couples dealing with sex addiction, coming out next year.  We highly recommend Dr. Carnes’ book:  Facing Heartbreak: Steps to Recovery for Partner’s of Sex Addicts

This Will Change the Way You Think about Your Sex Life (in a Really Good Way)

If you knew me before I was a marriage counselor, you would have known how the word “sex” used to make me blush. I grew up in a conservative home and like many of my southern friends, our sex education either came from each other (the least reliable source ever) or from a book awkwardly handed to us by one of our parents. Maybe one of our parents even said, “Let me know if you have any questions,” while secretly hoping with all of their heart and soul that we wouldn’t.  

I recently listened to the audiobook Come As You Are: The Surprising New Science that Will Transform Your Sex Life by sex educator, Emily Nagoski, Ph.D. I’ve been talking about sex ad nauseam for the past 10 years and still, the perspectives in this book drastically improved my understanding of healthy sex. I’ve heard many couples who have read it say it helped improved their sex life. I’m going to highlight some ways Emily’s book will change the way you think about your sexual relationship, and then, I suggest you read it for yourself.

You will get more comfortable with sexual lingo.  

This is one of the reasons I liked listening to this book on audio rather than reading it.  Emily talks about sex openly and scientifically. Not in the rap lyrics kind of away, but rather, in a non-shaming, “Why wouldn’t we talk about our bodies and sex this easily?” kind of way. It will make you more comfortable talking to your partner and potentially even your kids when the time comes.

2. What you are experiencing is normal.

I hear couples describe many of the same struggles session after session, and like Emily, I want to make sure they know one important thing—this is absolutely normal and common. Thousands of other couples experience this, too. Sexual ease is not a given over the longevity of a marriage. Hard time getting aroused? Normal! Hard time having an orgasm? Normal! Hard time feeling desire, therefore never initiating sex with your partner? Normal! Having a hard time getting your partner aroused? Normal! Used to be easy and now it’s uncomfortable? Normal! One of you has a high sex drive and one of you has a low sex drive? Normal! It’s all normal!! 

This doesn’t mean you stop here, this just means you stop shaming yourself or your partner. Understanding that what you or your partner is experiencing is normal helps you both start to learn what helps you and/or your partner get aroused, have an orgasm (however, completely normal for some women to never have an orgasm), create desire, and experience pleasure with each other. 

The sexual problems in your marriage are not shameful.  

In fact, I wouldn’t even label them as problems per se, but rather the disconnect between the sexual preferences of you and your partner. What you may view as a sexual problem are often traits about your sexuality that are common for many others, easily explained by science and biology, that differ from your partner’s sexual preferences. Shifting your perspective of the “problem” can change everything in your sexual relationship. It’s not a problem, it’s a normal and unique feature of your and your partner’s sexuality that both of you can learn and understand in order to intimately grow together. 

You have a sexual accelerator and sexual brakes.

Ya’ll, this is fascinating. The science backs it up. We all have cues, circumstances, behaviors that accelerate our sexual desires and those that put the brakes on our sexual desires. If you want to save you and your partner a lot of time and heartache, learn what those are. Hint: They change over time. This is the kind of conversation you will want to revisit many times in your relationship, especially after a major life transition, i.e. a move, new baby, job promotion, a death.  Further, using this terminology is a wonderful way to talk about sex with your partner.  Instead of saying, “ugh, that makes me cringe,” you can say “that actually seems to put on my sexual brakes.”  

Sexual shame is BS.

Reading this book pissed me off at times. Nothing that Emily said pissed me off, it was the way her scientifically-backed perspectives and non-shaming views of sexuality contrasted so drastically with the sexual messages we get in our society, from places like media and ill-informed friends or family. It actually made me angry that we are more likely to be exposed to sexually harmful material than sexually healthy material. When you expose yourself to healthy sexual material, you will see what I mean.

This biggest problem in a couple’s sex life is the embarrassment and shame that accompanies whatever sexual hiccup they are having.

When couples experience a sexual disconnect, it is easy to go down the rabbit hole that “Something is wrong with us.” Experiencing a sexual problem as shameful, embarrassing or abnormal does not allow couples to freely, openly and collaboratively share and brainstorm together to grow more intimately in their sexual relationship.  Instead, they are more likely to not talk about it, stay confused and hurt, and prolong and exacerbate the problems. When couples experience sexual disconnect as expected, normal and common, they are more likely to say, “Oh, this is happening to us. I hear this happens to a lot of couples. No big deal! But since we love each other and care about our sex life, let’s sort it through. Together.” 

 

For The Spouse Who Works Too Much

You know who you are. Your computer is on your lap most nights while sitting on the couch or you retreat to your home office after dinner.  You check your work email before your go to sleep and as soon as you wake up.  Even if you aren’t taking a work call, returning a work email, or burning the midnight oil to finish up a work project, you are thinking about work most of the time. You are stressed out by your work regularly.  And most likely, your spouse complains about your work…a lot. 

If your spouse is coming to you with complaints about your work: how you work too much, don’t have time for the family, care more about your job than anything else, or some version of this, please read this carefully. You will likely be tempted to respond in one of the following unhelpful ways:  1) “I have to, I don’t have a choice;” 2) “You just need to find more hobbies or friends;” or 3) Some version of, “You sure like to spend the money I make but you don’t like that I have to work for it.”

If you are consumed with work, you work excessively and even when you aren’t at work you are thinking about it or stressing about it, then your spouse probably gets very little of your time and energy.  Your spouse has rare moments to experience life with you or feel connected to you.  Now, I want you to imagine what it would feel like if your spouse wasn’t affected by you working so much. What if they didn’t even miss you when you were gone? How would that feel for you? What if your spouse was content with fleeting interactions with you?  What if that was enough? Because if that were enough, it would mean you aren’t very important to your spouse afterall. They wouldn’t need a life partner, just an ATM machine. If work consumes you and monopolizes your time, your spouse SHOULD care.  It should rub them wrong if they feel that something in your life seems more important than them or the family.  

If you are working your tail off to provide a nice life for your family, it shouldn’t be enough. We were never wired to be fulfilled by a nice house and car. We were wired for connection. Absolutely nothing will ever replace connection. Millions of dollars, vacation homes, luxury trips will NEVER EVER EVER replace the connection with you. Take your spouse’s complaints as a huge compliment. You are so important, that no amount of money, material things or trips could ever replace meaningful connection with you! You are irreplaceable. That is a good thing! 

This means that you do have to find a way to connect with your spouse in significant, intimate and vulnerable ways, at the same time you are working a demanding and stressful job.  And it is possible! First and foremost, acknowledge that your spouse’s need for meaningful connection with you is valid and essential.  Furthermore, acknowledge that you need meaningful connection with your spouse too! Meaningful connection is the oxygen for your relationship.  It cannot survive without it.

Here are a few concrete ways to connect with your spouse when you have a demanding job:

1)  Open up to your spouse. Share not only your work successes, but also your fears, insecurities, and feelings of inadequacy. Share how torn you feel when work pulls you away from your family. Share how sad you feel when you miss something important. Help them see that you can feel overwhelmed with the weight of career success, providing for your family and being a present parent. They will never know they are this important to you if you don’t tell them.

2) Validate their loneliness. If your spouse feels alone at times because work takes you away, validate that feeling. It’s a sign they love you. Here is what I mean by validation: “I’m sure it is so hard for you when I’m gone so much.” And “I get that…I feel lonely when I”m away from you so much too.” 

3) Appreciate what your spouse does while you are gone.   “I know my work schedule makes our life difficult at times, I’m so appreciative of all you do when I can’t be here.” 

3) Choose them. There are times that work is inevitable. Maybe you are an OB-GYN and you have to leave during dinner to deliver a baby. There are moments that you cannot choose your spouse. But, there HAVE to be moments when you do. And those moments need to feel meaningful and intimate to your spouse.  

4) Show eagerness to get home to your spouse. Call them when you are on your way and say, “I’m so excited to come home! I can’t wait to see you! I miss you!”  

5) Express curiosity. I’m so sorry that after your long week you just want to come home and hide under a blanket and not talk to anyone for 36 hours. I’m sorry you are spent and depleted by the demands of your job, but this does not give you the right to disengage from your family life. Ask questions, hear what you missed, understand how the family operated while you were gone. 

6) Dive in. Now that you are home, get in the mix. Grab a kid, grab a diaper, grab a soccer ball and enjoy the ride of chaos with your family, who loves you so much.