Lori Epting's Blog, page 2

Is There Hope for My Relationship? 3 Ways to Know

I was asked this question recently by several different people: “Is there hope for us?”

Such a good question. I wish I had a crystal ball in those moments.   

Fortunately or unfortunately, I wasn’t trained to predict relational failure or success. I was trained to help couples who want certain improvements in their relationships achieve those improvements.  

Despite my years of experience, I can’t predict the outcome of a relationship. There have been times when I thought, This is going to be tough, and felt uncertain of a couple’s future. And then, holy cow, they fought for their relationship with such effort and vigor that the changes they were able to create were beyond my expectations.  (If you are wondering what this kind of “fight” looks like, you can read our previous blog post here.)

On the contrary, there have been relationships where I thought, They will be fine! They just need a little relational support and then they will be on their merry way. Some of those relationships have ended.

I learned early on in this profession that I cannot accurately predict which couple will make it and which will not. Why? 

Because there are certain variables I can’t control that make a significant impact on the outcome. These variables can make all the difference in determining whether or not there is hope for relational change. 

If you are feeling stuck in your relationship right now, wondering if there is hope, read through this checklist. These questions can help you make an assessment for yourself. I hope they can help you find hope. 

Is There Hope? Checklist

1- What is your bandwidth for slow change?

Everyone has a different level of tolerance for the time it can take for relational change to happen. If your relationship problems have been going on for years, you may have little bandwidth for them to continue. Long-term problems aren’t usually solved with short-term solutions. Real change can take time. I can’t predict how much bandwidth each of you has for the time it may take. When couples come to therapy at their wits’ end, their bandwidth may be low. Only you can know how much bandwidth you have for continuing to live with some of the same faulty patterns before they are replaced by healthier ones. Another way to think about this is: How much longer can I live like this? 

2- Are you ready to see your part? 

In my experience, the biggest predictor of positive change is how open each partner is to seeing their part in the relational problems. When two people are open to learning their part of the problem, are open to the therapist’s and each other’s feedback, and willing to work on the parts that are identified as problematic to the relationship, then significant change is both possible and likely. If only one partner is ready and willing to understand  their part in the problem, and committed to working on those parts, change is still possible and likely. One person in the relationship making positive changes can (not always) create positive change in the relationship. The most hopeless position is two partners blaming each other, each convinced they did nothing wrong and the other is to blame for the relational demise.  

3- How much effort are you willing to put into creating change?

Some people (not you, I’m sure) are much more committed to complaining about what they don’t like than actually being deliberate in doing what it takes to create the change. Real change requires intention, commitment, effort, practice, and repetition. Being in a healthy relationship requires the ability to use healthy relational tools. Learning those tools is like learning any new skill. If you were learning how to play golf or the piano, would you expect to make significant progress by practicing once or twice month for an hour? You can’t learn new skills without intentional, deliberate practice and effort.  How much effort are you willing to put into learning new relational tools?  

In short, good predictors of hope are: 

Do you have the bandwidth for slow change? Does your partner? Are you ready to see your part of the problem? Is your partner? Are you willing to put in intentional weekly and daily effort? Is your partner? 

If the answer to all or some of these is yes, then YES! There is hope for you and your partner to have a more loving, more fulfilling, more connected relationship.

What the Heck is Connection Anyway?

I teach connection all day every day. It truly is a learned experience. You either learned it from your caregivers, who gave you the fortunate experience of healthy connection, or you had to learn it elsewhere. For some of you, you are starting now (which is a great time to start!). 

I experienced connection with my daughter this morning when she said she was sad to go to school because she didn’t want to wear a mask all day. It was a forty-five-second moment of connection when she shared her sadness with me and I responded with 1) validation (“I bet it is really hard to wear your mask all day.”), 2) normalization (“I’m sure a lot of your friends feel that way too”), and 3) physical comfort (I gave her a hug). Just like that, we “connected” and off she went. 

Connection is consistent and constant—it’s the state of a relationship—not an event you hold out for twice a year. 

The reason my daughter and I can have those quick connections is because we have a secure connection. She knows she can tell me she feels sad and I will respond in a comforting way. She knows this based on history—I’ve encouraged her to share how she feels and responded in a comforting way many times before.  It’s a familiar and predictable experience between us. It’s quick, it’s easy, it’s uneventful. We will have this type of interaction a million more times this week alone. 

As a marriage counselor, I want your relationship with your spouse to feel securely connected. If a relationship is securely connected it looks like this: 

Maggie:  I’m stressed this morning because I’m afraid I won’t get everything done I need to today. 

Sam:  (Stops making the kids’ PB&Js for just a brief second and makes eye contact with Maggie) I’m sorry you have so much on your plate. Anything I can do to help? (Bonus points if Sam texts Maggie a few times during the day and calls during his lunch break to check on her.) 

That’s it. This entire experience, even with the texts and brief lunch phone call, took about six minutes total. We ALL have six minutes in a day! But this experience made Maggie feel seen, heard, and not alone in her stress. Maggie knows Sam sees what she is going through and cares about her. This is powerful connection!

When I see couples, one of the biggest reasons they cite for not “connecting” with each other is that they are too busy and they don’t have time. I call B.S. on this. We. All. Have. Time. To. Connect. 

I’m not talking about building a bonfire where you pass the talking stick around and take turns sharing your life struggles and deepest insecurities for three hours. I’m talking about daily, consistent, constant, brief but powerful ways to do life connected to your partner. I’m talking about small things that happen between you and your partner over and over in a given day that communicate: “I see you; I know what you are going through; I care about what you are going through; I’m here for you.”

Usually when couples say they don’t have time, what they mean is, “We don’t really know how to do daily, consistent connection.” “Great!” I say. “Let’s learn.” 

How to Get Through the Holidays During COVID (With Your Marriage Intact)

Nothing says “Happy Holidays” like quarantines, canceled family gatherings and masks. Some of you are decorating early and embracing the holiday seasons ASAP as a way to bring light to a daunting time. For others, you feel a bit more bah-humbuggish, knowing you aren’t able to celebrate in the ways and with the people you love as you have in years past. Wherever you fall on the holiday spirit spectrum, as we enter our first pandemic holiday season, here are a few tips to ensure your marriage stays healthy and stable, even when the world around us feels so different. 

Embrace the Slowdown

It’s not the same. The list of canceled or modified holiday traditions in my family is long. For me, this will be the first Christmas that my family doesn’t travel from Charlotte to Greensboro to Ohio and back within a matter of days. My youngest has already shed a tear about not going to Nana’s house for Christmas. And while we are sad for the moments that we will lose, I am trying to embrace the slowdown. It sounds kinda nice to have a Christmas without having to shop for something to wear or book babysitters for holiday parties; or a Christmas without packing and unpacking and packing again. A Christmas in the comfort of our home instead of the highway. There is loss, no doubt, but this year, let’s embrace the time we gained from the slowdown.

2.  Replace a Lost Tradition with a New Experience 

Instead of a Christmas in the snow in Ohio, part of my family is meeting up at the beach for an early Christmas celebration. We will be eating seafood instead of ham. While it’s not the same, I’m excited to build a new memory for our pandemic holiday. I’m hearing lots of stories of families planning a new experience: for the first time they’re going to the mountains to cut down a fresh tree, or making assortments of Christmas cookies together, putting together holiday care packages for loved ones far away, or shopping together on Amazon for a family in need. Do something new and different!

3.  Find Gratitude

If there is one thing that has helped me most during this crazy time in the world, it is gratitude. Focusing on all the negativity and things I can’t do brings me down. In March, I downloaded The Calm App—best purchase ever. One of the things I love about this app (besides the ten-minute meditation) is that is has different prompts to fill in daily that are dedicated to finding gratitude. It also gives ideas on how to incorporate the daily message into your life. 

Remember, you are a role model. Times are tough and while this is a mind-blowing sh*t storm (sorry, I tried to put it nicely, but isn’t it the most accurate way to describe what is happening in the world?) we will go through other huge trials and tribulations. This is an opportunity to show our children—and anyone else around us who we might influence—resilience in the face of the storm. 

4. Have Empathy with Each Other

If your partner is having a harder time than you, be curious and ask about it. Remember, it’s not just about fixing their sadness but allowing them to have it and letting them know you are there for them. Offer extra hugs or allow plenty of time for them to vent and for you to just listen. 

We hope your holidays are full of empathy, gratitude, new experiences, and appreciation for the slowdown!

~Lori and Shanna

When One Partner Wants More Closeness Than the Other–5 Things to Know

If you were searching for “When one partners wants more closeness than the other” and came across this article, I’m going to take a guess that  you want more closeness than your partner (therapists often call this partner “the pursuer”). If you are a partner that prefers more alone time (therapists often call this partner “the withdrawer”), my guess is you are reading this at the request of your distressed spouse.

As with everything else, it would be helpful if you and your partner were alike in your preferences for TV, food, sleep, parenting methods, and sexual frequency. Realistically, however, the frequency for how much closeness you need in your relationship versus how much space or alone time you desire is often another place of negotiation for many couples. 

Whether this is a mild annoyance or a cause for great distress, we want to share these five tips.

1. It’s normal to have difference preferences for closeness

Don’t fret if your partner values alone time more than you do. It doesn’t mean they don’t love your or care about you. But it also doesn’t mean you have to resign yourself to an unfulfilling relationship.

2. It’s great to have at least one partner who pursues closeness.

Honestly, the relationships I worry about the most are the ones where neither partner has a strong desire for closeness. If at least one of you craves it and keeps you both in check by making sure time together is prioritized, this is a huge win for your relationship. If neither of you felt distressed by lack of connection, you may feel more like roommates than intimate partners. Appreciate this gift to the relationship, because it is a gift. Even when my husband would prefer to watch game 782 of the world series than have an in-depth chat, I know deep down he likes that his marriage counselor/pursuer wife keeps our marriage in check!

3. Women generally pursue closeness more than men.

I know this tip doesn’t shock you. But, yes, women are often (not always) the pursuers of closeness in the relationship. There are many reasons for this, explanations that could warrant and entire blog post or book. Recently, I was in a couples training seminar with renowned couples expert, Terry Real, and I love what he said about this. Since this blog is all about sharing the insider info about relationships, I’ll pass along a summary of what he said:

Women are more empowered nowadays. They aren’t dependent on marriage the way they used to be. They have raised the bar. Women want a level of emotional intimacy that men aren’t raised to deliver or even value. 

Wow. This means a) it is normal for one partner to want more emotional closeness and b) you should still expect more from your relationship.

4. It matters how you approach your partner.

The pursuer (the one who desires more closeness) can feel like they are in great distress when their partner doesn’t bring much emotional depth to the relationship. However, the way they voice their distress can often have the opposite effect and send their partner even further into hiding. I tell pursuers all the time—what you are fighting for (closeness) is so good! The way you are fighting for it (demanding, criticizing) is not so good. If you are demanding your partner want closeness with you or criticizing them that they don’t, your partner may not respond well. Communicating your needs for closeness needs to be delivered as a request or an invitation for it to entice your partner.

5. It can be learned . . . and should be.

Another thing Terry Real went on to say is that often “men aren’t necessarily unhappy with their marriage; they are unhappy that their wives are unhappy with them.” If one of you is a bit challenged in the emotional intimacy department, keep in mind this skill can be learned. And like I tell my daughter when she refuses to try the new vegetable on her plate—if you don’t try it, you’ll never know if you would like it!

Reference: Healing Trauma in Couples Therapy with Janina Fisher and Terry Real. Presented May 28-29, 2020 through Leading Edge Seminars.  

Lessons Learned From a COVID Survivor

On the night of March 13, 2020, after seeing my last client of the night, I officially closed down my office. I remember now, I didn’t wipe down the pen after I gave the couple their credit card receipt to sign, and likely did not wash my hands for twenty seconds before and after the session. I did not use Lysol to spray the door handles as they entered or exited, and I certainly did not wear or even own a mask at the time.

I soon became one of the most careful, some may say “neurotic” (and by some, I mean my children) people I know when COVID was beginning to be a “real thing.” I have a sixteen-year-old son with Cystic Fibrosis, which is a disease that has a severe impact on his lungs, digestive and pancreatic systems. So the decision to close my office was a no-brainer for me. At the time, I was also confident it would only be for a few weeks, so I planned to do phone sessions. I also hoped that I had given my clients enough coping skills and support to get them through this VERY temporary time. Truly, this was my thought. I think this was a thought many of us had.

Hmmmmmmm.

It began getting really real on March 15, when my mom’s best friend’s son was diagnosed with COVID-19 and was on a ventilator in Michigan after coaching a basketball game ten days prior. He was an ex-college football player and remained in good shape, and had no problematic medical issues in the last twenty-two years since retiring his helmet. He was forty-four years old; not the demographic the research was stating we needed to be worried about. This story ends well, at least, he was released after thirteen days on the vent and went home to be inundated by media to tell his personal story.

Remember how there were dozens of YouTube videos and news reports and social media feeds on the safety of washing down all your groceries, the Amazon boxes, and any other items that were delivered to your door? How COVID was found to live on plastic and metal surfaces for twenty-four hours? No—three days—no eight days—maybe up to two weeks—then no, not at all! And then there was all the info about how it travels in the air and on your clothes. So you must undress in your garage and burn your clothes if you dare go out. We must never have any visitors, and all parents must become hand-washing maniacs and learn how to make masks out of your clothes—but certainly not the ones that have seen the light of day since 2019 because of course, those are already COVID-infected!

I had to learn how to do therapy by video and it was downright exhausting to have four in a row, when I was used to seeing up to eight clients in a row in person. I began telling clients every session of the importance of self-care, time alone, time for coupleship, time with family, time with children individually, to practice grace with each other in your household, to be mindful of COVID complaints (see early April blog), to avoid COVID fights, and to make sure you have time alone (did I already say that?).

With the exception of taking a run, walk or bike ride alone, I was constantly in my house with my family, who began getting on my every nerve, despite everyone having their own room in the house. By June, I knew we needed to get the heck out of dodge, so I planned a cabin getaway up north with my family, and my best friend and her family would rent the cabin next to us.

We ventured up to Pinetop, AZ and washed the two-bedroom cabin down like it had been a crime scene, leaving no square inch unbleached. We took hikes and went boating, completely enjoying the two days of nice, fresh air. The next morning, I went to my friend’s cabin, and her husband greeted me at the door as she sat on the couch with a mask on. She developed a huge headache and was feeling a little fatigued. When she woke up her gut told her she had gotten COVID. It came on fast. She had been exposed to four people that week and one of them must have been the culprit. Four days later, back at home, I had a headache and lost my sense of smell. Tests confirmed I also joined the COVID ranks. So I quarantined myself in my bedroom for the next twelve days.

The first thing I experienced was anticipatory anxiety. My first symptoms were a really bad headache and loss of smell. My friend who I got it from was really sick with extreme fatigue, fever, headache, difficulty breathing, and cough. She could barely make it to the shower without being exhausted for an entire day. I feared what my disease would look like. Will my son get this? What will happen to him? I am not hugely prone to anxiety but this was new-level, serious stuff. The next huge emotion that hit hard was guilt. I felt a reoccurring surge of guilt about exposing my family outside of our little bubble to the world where COVID exists. Why did I need to take that getaway? Couldn’t I just have been satisfied with going on our (now truly boring) bike rides and lounging in the pool? Why didn’t I disinfect better? The flood of bad parenting decisions made me feel like I could drown. It was lifted temporarily when I would text my family throughout the day to make sure they were all still symptom free (they were and none of them ever contracted it).

I was also completely dependent on others for my food. Being a pretty independent woman, asking and accepting help is honestly a struggle I have. “I can do it all myself” is an unhealthy mantra I admit to having at times, and under normal circumstances I usually can. My mom always said, “If you want something done right, do it yourself.” Hmmm . . . apple falling from a tree thing comes to mind here. Well, when you are not welcome in the kitchen for fear of getting others sick, you have to rely heavily on others to meet a basic food and water need. My family did great with delivering my food prison-style to my door, knocking and leaving it outside my cell, as I was reminded of the words I preach to others in therapy: “It is so healthy and often times necessary to ask for, and accept help when offered.”

Well, it is over, I have survived COVID. I still have only 25 percent of my smell after a pretty lengthy amount of time but I have learned to rely on my optimistic attitude about it. Like I was able to help my eleven-year-old after he vomited the other day (a task usually bestowed to my husband), and I can cut onions like a champ and clean up dog poop without gagging, and now I can reinvest all the money I will save on perfume and scented lotions! I learned it is much harder for me to be dependent than I originally thought; I learned that there is only so much Netflix/Apple TV/Disney Plus/Amazon Prime one can watch. I was reminded first-hand how much having great coping skills to deal with high anxiety and guilt are of the utmost importance. Despite complaining at times (okay quite a bit) that my family and husband drive me crazy under quarantine, I realized how much I really do miss when I can’t spend time with them.

Stay well out there, we WILL get through this.

~ Shanna Larson-Paola, LMFT

Behind the Scenes of Marriage Book, From Chaos to Connection: A Q&A With the Author

As you already know, my new book was released last week. If you happened to miss it, please read my post here. 

It has been amazing to see the number of people—many I haven’t talked to or seen in decades—who have reached out to congratulate me. When I got home the day of the book release, I was greeted with flowers, champagne, cards, balloons, not to mention the calls, texts, emails, mail and tons of social media responses I received.

The supportive reaction I got from so many really made me think how this specific accomplishment, of writing a book, compels people to get excited for you and give you overwhelming praise. It made me think about all the things you or your spouse may do that don’t get all the fanfare, but are equally, if not more worthy, of praise. Things like helping your child through a really hard time, creating wonderful things in your kitchen to feed your family, navigating tough decisions, illness, job losses, or depression. Maybe you have been working through some really tough marriage or parenting situations that are too sensitive to talk about. To all the unseen accomplishments each of you achieves on a daily basis, here is my fanfare parade for you.  Good for you, for making your spouse’s favorite meal, even though it takes a little longer, because you know they love it! Good for you, for not screaming at your toddler for interrupting your Zoom call! Good for you, for saying, “can we just order pizza tonight?” after a long day of remote learning! Good for you, for biting your tongue and not snapping at your spouse, realizing they are under a lot of pressure!

This week, I’ve gotten many questions and comments from people that have started reading my book. I decided I’d like to share the answers to these questions in my blog, so here’s a little behind-the-scenes commentary from me.

Q &A with Lori Epting, author of From Chaos to Connection

How long did it take you to write this book? How did you find time to write a book with a job and kids? 

It took forever. Seriously. The writing was only half the battle, but the process of editing and publishing was an entirely different feat. I would compare it to a slow drip—something that I chipped away at over time. There were times I was so frustrated in how long it was taking to complete the whole process, due to managing all the other things—kids, a job, taking care of a home. I kept feeling like if I could just put everything aside for a few weeks, I could really make some progress. But how does one put aside their family and job for weeks at a time? It wasn’t an option. So I had to get comfortable with the snail’s pace I was on to complete this. And guess what? In the end, I’m convinced the timing was perfect. To all of you couples who are sacrificing your dreams, careers and aspirations to raise your children and be there for your families, you are doing amazing work. It may not be the kind of work people send you balloons for, but it is just as deserving.

I could barely get my laundry done during COVID. How did you manage to write a book?

I have received so many comments like this from people; mostly comments that diminish their own efforts. I want to be transparent: I had a ton of help from every direction. And, I put a lot of life’s tasks on the back burner at times during this process. For example: 

My mom comes to my house every Thursday and Friday to help with the kids, and like Mary Poppins, manages to do laundry and often cook a family meal.My husband cooked dinner for the last three months while I sat at the table on my computer. At one point he asked, “Do you think you will ever cook again?” “It’s debatable,” was my reply.My wonderful friend and neighbor, Katherine Bartis, did a majority of the editing and helped me with each step of the publishing process. She was pivotal for me and a huge reason the book was ever completed and published.  I didn’t do laundry or pick up the house for the past two months. Seriously, I’m so glad during COVID people aren’t visiting as much because my house was a train wreck.It took time away from my kids. I felt guilty when my kids wanted me to play and I was trying to finish editing a chapter. The list goes on and on.

How does your husband feel about being talked about in your book?  

He did read it very early on, before I edited it, and he actually hasn’t said anything negative. I’ve been too afraid to ask at this point, because there’s nothing I can do about it now!

How do you feel now that it is out there? 

It’s a mixture of excitement and pure terror. I’m so relieved it’s done and out in the world and off my computer. At the same time, putting my words out there for people to read, judge, and criticize is always terrifying. My anxiety would build many times during this process and I would think, “Never mind . . . stop the press . . . I’m not going to do this.” My hope that it could actually help couples allowed me to quiet my anxious mind. Today, my excitement to help marriages outweighs my fear of being criticized.  

Will you write anything else? 

For now, just my marriage blog. But, I absolutely love writing. It’s as enjoyable to me as watching a TV show or hanging with friends. Nothing about it feels like a job or a chore, so setting time aside to do it feels like an enjoyable hobby, something I get excited about doing. You never know when inspiration will strike.

Thanks for reading!!

We All Sound Crazy at Times

I have to be honest—COVID, remote schooling, and all of the other things that make it so difficult for me to get a single. Thing. Done.—are really getting to me. It’s making me a less nice version of myself. It’s making me a less nice wife. If anyone wants to send my husband a note of encouragement, he could probably use it right now.  

When I’m stressed (and I think now would more than qualify), I can get on what I call “the crazy train.” It’s when I decide that my stress is caused or exacerbated by one and one person only—my husband. When I’m on the crazy train, I can’t seem to stop myself from letting him know of his grave errors. It’s a good thing I know how to get off this train and keep my marriage intact.  

I’m sharing a part of my new book, From Chaos to Connection, from Chapter 2, called “You Don’t Need Good Communication (Gasp!).” I picked this excerpt specifically because I needed this reminder. I know 2020 has thrown a million things at each of us. Some of you may be managing the stress in lots of lovely ways, but I think for many of us, the stress has affected our marriages. I surely needed to read these words today. I’m hoping they are helpful to you too.  

Excerpt from From Chaos to Connection: A Marriage Counselor’s Candid Guide for the Modern Couple by Lori Epting, LCMHC

We All Sound Crazy at Times 

I think it is important to know that we all get on the crazy train at times. The difference between happy and unhappy couples is that happy couples find it easier to get off that train. During moments of discord, she may feel, He is so selfish. He only cares about himself. It’s all about him. He couldn’t care less about what I feel or what I need. He only thinks about Number One. He may think, She is so unappreciative. She doesn’t realize all I do for us. She is never happy with me; it doesn’t matter what I do. But after couples learn how to respond to these normal feelings and thoughts effectively, they begin to feel differently. Even as they feel slighted and upset, they know in their hearts that their spouse does care. 

For me, these crazy-train thoughts surface every time my family prepares to go on a trip. My husband brings down his small, neatly packed suitcase and says, “I’m ready; are you guys all ready?” I want to scream at him (and often do): “No! We are not ready! Did you think to pack the swim diapers, or the loveys, or the girls’ toothbrushes? How about the beach towels and sun- screen, or the infant ibuprofen, or the puddle jumpers? Actually, did you think about anything apart from your golf clubs, tennis racquet, and bocce ball set? I have to pack for three people, but you only look out for Number One! Must be nice!” 

But here is the reality: he has thought about us. He has already cleaned out the car, filled it up with gas, adjusted the car seats, taken the running stroller to the gas station to put air in the tires, and packed the beach chairs and umbrella. But in that moment, when both kids are hanging onto my legs and yelling “Mommy!” in harmony while I’m trying to find the matching tops to fit their sippy cups (the bane of my existence), I feel that everything falls to me. And I’m quick to let him know that. 

Now, this could turn into a blowout fight within seconds. In fact, here’s a conversation I often hear between couples who come in for counseling: 

Husband (throwing car keys and going to sit on the couch and watch TV): Fine, do it yourself, then! 

Wife: I will! I already do anyway, so what’s the difference?! 

Husband (to himself): She is always nagging. She doesn’t appreciate anything I do. In fact, it doesn’t matter what I do, because nothing is ever enough for her. I basically suck as a husband, so why even bother? I may as well sit here and catch up on ESPN’s SportsCenter, because even if I try, I get yelled at. 

Wife (to herself ): There he is, watching SportsCenter again. He gets to do whatever he wants, while I do everything around here. He obviously doesn’t care about me or our family. I don’t know why I put up with this! 

Now, here is how this situation plays out in my marriage: 

Chad (spitefully and sarcastically): Actually, I already cleaned out the car, got gas, adjusted the car seats, filled up the tires of the jogging stroller, and packed the beach stuff. But yes, you are right, I only think about myself! 

Me: You did? Well, that’s awesome. Thank you. 

Seriously, thank you. I didn’t realize you did all that. I’m sorry. Do you accept my apology? 

Chad (still spiteful and short): It’s fine. No big deal. 

Me: No, seriously, I am sorry. Thank you. (I give him a kiss on his cheek.) Will you forgive me? 

Chad (a little more softly): Yes, I do. (And he kisses me back.)

Me: I really am sorry. 

Now, notice something here. This was a stupid, petty little fight that made no difference in the world, and I still had to apologize three times in this one conversation to make an impact, to soften my husband and convince him I was genuinely sorry. Three times! One of the things that strikes me is that my couples will go through huge blowouts or major betrayals, disappointments, or breaks in trust, and may never say, “I’m sorry.” More likely, I hear, “I said I’m sorry. I don’t know what else you expect me to do! You just need to get over it.” Or, “I said I’m sorry, but she just keeps bringing it up over and over and over again. Enough already! She just needs to move on and quit dwelling on it!” 

Now, in this shortsighted husband’s defense, he is right—to an extent. She does need to move on. I promise, she desperately wants to, despite what he thinks. Often, I hear, “I think she wants to stay stuck on it; I think she likes to be miserable and make me miserable.” I can promise you, she doesn’t. She just doesn’t know how to move on, how to keep your hurtful words, actions, and insults from feeling like a punch in the stomach or a dagger in her heart. She does not want to feel this way. 

So here is a hard truth: you may need to apologize over and over again, especially if you’ve committed a true betrayal of trust. Did you get emotionally involved with a coworker? Did your spouse catch you in a lie? Did you hurl a verbal insult to your partner’s character in a heated moment? If you did, you will need to apologize many times over, from a place of true sadness and contrition. She has to feel that you are sorry. She has to see it on your face—see a tear in your eye, a look of sadness, something that will let her realize how pained you are to have caused pain in her. And she may need to see this many times before it finally sinks in. 

When a person gets hurt, they put up a wall. For some, this wall is light and spongy, and can be torn down easily, allowing reconnection to happen in seconds. For others, it is a ten-foot-wide concrete behemoth with an armed guard posted in front of it. Such a wall can feel insurmountable, impenetrable. But with each heartfelt apology, a chip is knocked out of the wall. And sometimes, a lot of chips must be knocked out to make an impact. 

When she starts to feel, Maybe he truly cares that he hurts me. Maybe if I show him this pain, he actually will care. Maybe he does care about me after all!—this is when the magic of reconnection starts to happen, and the pain starts to subside. This is when couples start to turn it around. As a therapist, I live for these moments. 

Why Do We Keep Arguing Over the Little Things?

My couples ask me this a lot right now. With the increased stress of COVID and being around each other more than usual, they find themselves arguing over little things.  

They tell me their fights are “silly.” They know there are people with “much bigger problems.” They are typically a bit confused when I tell them I don’t see it that way. I tell them I don’t see their fights as silly at all. “Why?” they ask, “we know other couples have real problems and here we are arguing over dishwashing detergent!”      

I love the dishwasher fights. They give me so much intel about what may be going awry.

What do these fights mean?

For many of us, we are fighting with our partners more these days for two main reasons: we are more stressed and we are around each other more than usual. Building in some time for breaks from each other and seeking out healthy stress outlets can help couples rebound from these fights fairly well. But what about when that doesn’t work? 

If healthy outlets and much-needed time away doesn’t help you rebound, it may be because your fights about the little things are a symptom of something a bit deeper. This isn’t a hopeless position, I promise. The deeper things can be fixable, but not when you don’t know what they are. And the solution is not in the details of the fights.  

Oftentimes, couples don’t realize their little fights are a symptom of something a bit deeper. I describe this common couples phenomenon in depth in my new book, From Chaos to Connection. I’m sharing an excerpt today from chapter 9, called ‘The Problem is Not What You Think.” This chapter helps couples get to the root of their distress, and hopefully saves them from years of disconnection. I help you find the root and then . . . I help you fix it. You can read the full chapter when the book releases in a few short weeks (October 9th)!

Excerpt from From Chaos to Connection: A Marriage Counselor’s Candid Guide for the Modern Couple by Lori Epting, LCMHC

Therapists are masterful decoders. Sometimes I think I could moonlight for the CIA, helping decode secret languages. That’s how savvy I think I’ve become at decoding my clients’ words.

As a marriage counselor, you learn how to weed through all the arguing, accusations, ultimatums, excuses, complaints, and justifications, and get to the real root of the problem. You learn how to read between the lines, sifting through all the information about what happened last week, when a couple got into a huge fight about dog food, who left the garage door open, and why it was such a big deal that she was twenty minutes late getting home. Marriage counselors are like detectives scraping through a messy crime scene to find the one piece of DNA that will give us the culprit’s identity—looking for the tiny piece of hair or particle of skin that will give us the answer to this one question: what is the root of the problem?

During an argument, a partner may only hear, “I can’t believe you forgot the dog food again! You never listen to me!” Their spouse may only hear, “Oh, I listen, alright, but it’s always something with you. You always find something to complain about!” 

They are so caught up in the emotions of the fight that they can’t see much of anything except that they are in distress, and that fighting with their partner is making them miserable. They don’t look for the root of the problem. All they know is that emotional distance from their partner is unbearable. 

As a result, my clients often want the quick fix. The answer. The solution. They lay out all the information from every angle, look at me, and ask, “What do we do?!” But I can’t give you the quick fix, the perfect little communication tactic, the effective negotiation tool, because I don’t know the source of the problem yet. 

This much I do know: it’s not about the dog food. It’s not about the dishes, the garage door, or being twenty minutes late. It’s about something unseen, something often unsaid, something that has escaped one spouse, if not both. And this unseen thing is different for every couple, which is why I have to go into super-sleuth mode to find it. What is the root of the problem? 

Why COVID is So Hard on Parents & How Empathy is a Game Changer

It’s a really interesting time to be a marriage counselor. I have a front row seat to watching how this historical event is affecting so many marriages. And not the public view, the one the rest of you see on social media, but the private, sacred, messy view—the real one. We are all more likely to post about our fun family bike ride on the greenway on Saturday than our week from hell trying to work at home and do school at the same time. Yikes!

It’s different. Sure, couples are having some of the same fights as always—how to divide the labor, who isn’t being appreciated, who feels criticized. But sprinkle in some unprecedented uncertainty and restricted outlets and there is a whole new level of struggle.  

I have a particular soft spot for my couples who are parents. Maybe it’s because I’m in the same boat. The stressors this pandemic put on parents seem uniquely unfair. Janet Grose of The New York Times recently called the pandemic “a mental health crisis for parents.” She shared research done by the American Psychological Association concluding that parents during this pandemic are “markedly more stressed than non-parents.” Furthermore, parents with young children are “particularly stressed.” I couldn’t agree more. The parenting stressors are high and the relief is minimal. Many parents are not getting the daily parenting reprieve of kids going to school every day. Parents of young children do not have the plethora of entertainment and support they usually do—there is no library story time or children’s museum to visit.

I wrote my new book, From Chaos to Connection, before COVID. But regardless of the type of chaos, the tips and tools are relevant now more than ever. As a loyal Marriage Sense reader, I’ll be giving you sneak peeks before it releases on October 9th. 

Today, I’m sharing an excerpt from chapter two, titled “Can’t You See, It’s Hard for Everyone,” because it addresses parenting stress and its impact on a marriage. The full chapter provides readers with these three takeaways: 

Most couples struggle with the parenting fight heard ’round the world: “My burden is more than yours” or “You don’t appreciate all I do”This is a normal relational rift, but can be destructive without a key element: empathyEmpathy is a huge part of the solution . . . learn how

~~~

Excerpt from From Chaos to Connection: A Marriage Counselor’s Candid Guide for the Modern Couple by Lori Epting, LCMHC

In my office, I watch the same fights go around and around when partners struggle with empathy. I have to give these spouses credit—they work incredibly hard to get their spouse’s empathy. Unfortunately, they often use the same faulty methods, which usually wind up perpetuating a never-ending argument instead of invoking the empathetic response they long for. 

I often see a stay-at-home mom desperately defend her role in the home. In an effort to get her husband’s empathy, compassion and understanding, she recounts laundry lists of her never-ending chores and tells tales of tantrums and other horror stories of parenting. She thinks that if she paints the picture of how much she endures on a daily basis, he will surely see all she does. He will see how she has sacrificed pieces of her professional identify and self-care to pour herself into her family, and then he will empathize with her in the way she desperately needs and deserves. Once he empathizes with her, she knows he will naturally want to cheerlead her, shower her with appreciation, and even take care of her. Without hesitation, he will rub her feet, clean the kitchen, and give her a night off from putting the kids to bed, rescuing her from the endless monotony of parenting. No wonder she is fighting so hard for his empathy! 

Meanwhile, I see the overworked husband desperately defend his role out of the home. I watch him vehemently explain the level of stress he is under at work and the intensity of his client’s demands. I watch him defend his career and the effort he puts into his work as the sole reason they get to live in the nice house with the nice things. I watch him dismiss his wife’s pleas for his help at home because his own work feels so stressful. He longs for her to see how he sacrifices his time and his hobbies and gives up his days on the golf course to coach his son’s Little League team in his “spare time.” He thinks that if he points out all this, she will empathize with him in the way he desperately needs and deserves. Once she empathizes with him, she will naturally want to show her appreciation, support his work endeavors, and give him a back massage after his tough day at work. Without hesitation, she will corral the kids into the other room to give him a moment of peace and quiet so that he can unwind after a hard day at work. No wonder he is fighting so hard for her empathy! 

The problem is, as long as two people are defending their positions and not also putting themselves in the other’s shoes, no one is getting their needs met. 

Let me explain empathy as it pertains to marriage. My husband and I used to share all the financial contribution, house-hold chores, daycare drop-offs, toilet paper pickups, etc. Then we suddenly moved across the country from Scottsdale, Arizona, to Charlotte, North Carolina. I was unable to practice immediately because I had to get my license transferred, and I got pregnant with baby number two. We went from being a financially comfortable two-income shared-chores family to being a one-provider and one-chore-doer family. 

Other complications arose as well. When we originally started looking for houses in North Carolina, we had intended to find a move-in-ready home. Instead, we ended up in an abandoned home that still reeked of the neglect of its previous, divorcing couple—though we promised ourselves we’d renovate immediately. And even after we moved, our house in Scottsdale sat on the market for almost a year—so as our income dropped, our mortgage payment doubled. 

Now, I’m no mathematician, but I’m pretty sure this put us in the red. And the predictable commission of my husband’s previous sales territory was nowhere to be found, as he basically had to start over. 

We barely saw each other. I was in a new city, with few friends, pregnant (three times, due to two miscarriages) and home alone with our two-year-old while my husband traveled all the time. He would come home late, exhausted and stressed beyond recognition. I had never seen him like this—he had been cruising on autopilot in his job since we got married. I had never experienced him as a stressed-out, overworked husband fearful for our financial future. And as is typical of most husbands, he was not particularly eloquent in communicating his level of stress, or his needs. For the first time in our marriage, we went to bed separately. He wanted to stay up and “unwind,” while I was exhausted from chasing around our two-year-old and creating an entirely new human being in my own body. 

This was the breeding ground for disconnection—the point where all good marriages go to die. 

The lowest low that comes to mind is a memory of us yelling at each other over tiramisu during a date night, and riding home in silence. Inevitably, we started arguing again, and as we headed down our street to our house, in a moment of reactive hopelessness, I impulsively got out of the car and walked the rest of the way home. 

Confession: Even marriage counselors lose their sh*% sometimes. 

After this blowout, we were able to talk in the driveway and figure out a few things. I told him I was angry that we could not afford the renovations that we had originally planned for our new house. I told him that I was disappointed not because I was a superficial, materialistic, nothing’s-ever-good-enough wife who needed a super luxurious, state-of-the-art home—but because I had expected one thing, and something else had happened. Because I wanted a home that made me feel good about having new people over to watch football games and have playdates. Because I wanted to make good friends and build a nice community for our family in our new city. It hadn’t happened, and I was truly disappointed. 

Now, as I listened to my husband talk in our dark driveway at what must have been almost midnight, I learned a few things, too. He told me that every time I criticized our spacious new ’80s-inspired home, I criticized his ability to provide for us. In his mind, every time I complained that there were no pictures on the walls and that there was no money to buy any, I was saying he was basically worthless because he wasn’t making enough money. And on top of that, he was seriously working his tail off. He was throwing himself into back-to-back meetings, long drives, late nights, and early mornings, worrying himself sick over our financial future during every sleepless night. And here I was, saying, “It’s not good enough!” 

I started to feel his pain. I even started to empathize with his position. I wondered what must it feel like to work that hard, to pour your heart and soul into something, and be told over and over that it wasn’t enough? 

___________

 Jessica Grose, September 9, 2020. The New York Times. “The Pandemic is a Mental Health Crisis for Parents.”  https://www.nytimes.com/2020/09/09/parenting/mental-health-parents-coronavirus.html

From Chaos to Connection: Is connection really possible during all of this chaos?

A few years ago, on my tenth wedding anniversary, my husband and I visited our wedding venue. After spending the day walking the grounds of the beautiful winery where we got married, I reflected on our years together. I remember the moment when I turned to my husband and said, “I think I’m going to write a book.” I was about 85 percent sure I meant it. As I’m now approaching the release date of my book, From Chaos to Connection: A Marriage Counselor’s Candid Guide for the Modern Couple, I am eager and hopeful that my words as a wife, mother, and marriage counselor will help couples. Especially now, as we are struggling through pandemics, quarantines and virtual learning, couples need help now more than ever.  

Through the last several years, I have seen an increase in couples coming to therapy with the same struggles, many of them parents, with school-aged or younger children. They fight about the same things, over and over. I hear the same words shared from stay-at-home moms about how “he doesn’t understand how hard this can be.” Weary parents sit before me day after day, lamenting how they are drifting farther and farther apart, due to the busyness of their jobs and all the kids’ activities, and how they don’t have time for each other. I hear the sole providers describe the stress of carrying the financial burden and therefore, put so much into their work that their spouses are left feeling like single parents.  

As I was hearing the same struggles from couples, over and over, I realized that at the same time, I was in it too. I have two young kids and also know the feeling of drowning in the demands of being a mother, a wife and business owner. I was helping these couples through the same chaos I was wading through myself.  

I remember thinking this is really unfair! Yes, I know how to navigate these struggles, but only because I spend more time in a month learning what makes relationships work than most people do in a lifetime. Even with all of this knowledge, insight and amazing tools in my relational tool belt, my husband and I were still having the same fights and struggles as other couples. They only difference is we have insider knowledge on how to handle them. Sure, I have a connected marriage despite all the chaos, but I am well positioned for this!

I felt angry for my clients. It shouldn’t require a decade of training in counseling to have a close and connected marriage. The average person doesn’t have the time, energy, and resources to devote to learning all of this and we don’t teach how to have healthy relationships in school. And they surely don’t have time to learn all of this now—especially with kids and life—who has time for that? I felt for my clients—of course this is hard and you feel ill-equipped!

Then, I took a long, hard look at our culture. The reality of modern marriages is that we are facing a set of ridiculous expectations and standards, with less and less support. We may live far away from families, our spouses travel weekly for work, or have what seems like 17 busy seasons in one year. While our support has dwindled, our standards have risen. We are swirling in over-scheduled, activity-filled chaos that is culturally accepted and even glorified. We say “Wow! You handle a job, endless kid activities, PTA positions and homeroom parent! You are so amazing!” Around every corner is the pressure to put your kid in this activity, or join that team, or pursue this promotion or volunteer for that school function. The pull away from our marriages during this time of life is relentless. Instead of blaming our over-scheduled culture, we unfortunately blame our partners. We blame them for not being enough, doing enough, supporting enough. I wanted this cycle to stop.  

So I started writing. I wrote what I knew. I wanted to write it in a way that was easy to read for the weary, exhausted couple. Therefore, the book is light-hearted and relatable. You get to know me. I wanted to be authentic and transparent about who I am, what I go through, the struggles in my home and how I handle them. I wanted to show you that you’re not alone. I also wrote about my experiences helping couples through the same struggles time and time again.

I am eager, nervous, excited, and hopeful to share this book with you soon. It’s available for pre-order here and you can get a few sneak peeks in the coming weeks by signing up for my newsletter here.

If you leap onto my virtual couch and take a read, I truly hope it helps your relationship.

~Lori Epting

ChaostoConnectionGuide.com