Jared Longshore's Blog, page 15

Marriage Restoration 101: Low and Slow

One of the problems that frequently comes up in marriage is that burning desire to patch up all of your problems with a flick of the wrist. The same problem arises in any restoration project. We’d like to have the basement patched back up in a moment, which leads us to grow a bit hasty with the drywall job, which leads to removing all of the drywall after the first install because we put it in cockeyed. Christians can double down on this haste, lining up a string of Bible verses in the wrong place and at the wrong time. One of the chief being, “Do not let the sun go down on your anger.” And someone gets the idea that this means you should argue until 5am in the morning. The trouble is, come sunrise, you’re still in a spat and it’s a Sunday. Now you’ve got something about leaving your offering at the altar and being reconciled to your brother running through the mind. 

Here’s a simple principle for restoring the marriage: Go at it slow and steady like the tortoise. I understand that this bit of advice is not as snazzy as the marriage love cruise, where you will get to eat lobster and sunbathe in the Caribbean. But it is a time-tested and proven bit of counsel for seeing your marriage move in the right direction. But, I warn you. Good, conservative, and reformed Christians are a bit suspicious about this advice. It sounds like it might run roughshod over Owen’s point that we must be killing sin or sin will be killing you. I do believe that Owen was on the money, but I would add that if you don’t let that woman sleep, not only will sin be killing you but the sleep-deprived beauty might well do so.

I recall being in a community of Christians where it became somewhat popular to pray that the Lord would rob people of sleep until they repent. It does have a nice ring to it. And maybe one sleepless night could do some sinners good. But people do have a knack for making better decisions after a good night’s sleep. So we might pray that the Lord would give the poor buggers some good and deep sleep so that they would repent. Basically, all of the haste, masquerading as zeal and piety, can often be a facade covering anxiety and pride. In darker corners, this kind of haste smells of some twisted manipulation. There’s the arrogant husband, asking the our thrice holy God to keep his wife tossing and turning until she discovers how deceived she is in her disrespect toward her husband. Maybe he will throw in a fast for her, even. This is the kind of thing that makes one ask for the vomit bag.

Here are three texts to remind you to take a deep breath, remember who is on the throne, and take your marriage reno project slow and steady.

Three texts:

1 Peter 4:8 says,  “And above all things have fervent charity among yourselves: for charity shall cover the multitude of sins.” While there is a place for confrontation, and it can take some work to get on the same page, do remember that love not only exposes sins but covers them. I have seen more than a few spouses justify themselves in the hunt for their significant other’s sin because we serve a precise God and must be perfect as He is perfect. But maybe your spouse would be far closer to perfect if you wouldn’t nag about every little thing. Better yet, maybe you would be far closer to perfect if you would give it a rest.

Exodus 23:29-30 says, “I will not drive them out from before thee in one year; lest the land become desolate, and the beast of the field multiply against thee. By little and little I will drive them out from before thee, until thou be increased, and inherit the land.” God’s plan for your marriage maps on to His plans for His people Israel. If you tried to drive out every character flaw in a week’s time, those tigers and panthers would be on you in no time. You want to drive out the demons and clean the place up. But you have to be in the business of cultivating good things in your marriage and home, or else you’re just sweeping the place up for seven more demons far nastier than the first to make your house their home.  

Ephesians 5:25-27 says, “Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish.” Consider how patient Christ is with His own bride. He’s been sanctifying her for two thousand years and the work is not done. His sacrifice is the origin of this sanctification process and so it must be with a husband toward his own wife. There’s truth here for a wife as well. She can win her husband without a word. She can and does sanctify him. And the process is plenty long, just ask Heather Longshore.

Your marriage is something of a long cook. You need to keep an eye on that pork shoulder. And you’ll have plenty of work to do seasoning, wrapping, and checking the temp. But cook that thing low and slow. It will fall off the bone.

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Children’s Children

God’s kindness to families and children’s children is something He readily displays in His Word. He brought Israel out of Egypt with their children. He fed them with bread from heaven in the wilderness and their children. We are not surprised then to see God’s covenants with Adam, Noah, Abraham, Moses, and David all involving them and their children. Baptism is a sign of the new covenant, and when God announces this covenant, He promises blessing on our children. He says through Jeremiah, “They shall be my people, and I will be their God: And I will give them one heart, and one way, that they may fear me for ever, for the good of them, and of their children after them” (Jeremiah 32:38-39).

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Decree and Covenant

If you would walk in maturity, then you must grasp the distinction between God’s decree and His covenant. A hallmark of the Reformed tradition is to place an emphasis on God’s decree, and rightly so. God has decreed everything that comes to pass. Whatever the matter, it really is settled. The temperature outside of City Hall this afternoon at 3 pm has been determined. The day of your death. The number of your grandchildren. And every other possible fact. God has declared these things to be so before the foundation of the world. 

While this is a remarkable and stabilizing truth, if it is not paired with God’s covenant errors abound. After all, you have no idea what the termperature will be this afternoon, even though God has decreed it. He has decreed how many grandchildren you will have, but He has not revealed that to you. Should you pray with confidence that you will have seventeen? Of course, not. But should you pray with confidence about anything? Certainly.

God’s covenant involves His many promises to be God to you and to bless you. He has sworn an oath that no weapon formed against you shall prosper. He has covenanted to be your shiled and your great reward, to sanctify you and mature you. He has sworn by covenant to forgive you when you confess your sin and prune you so that you bear more fruit. All of these promises are guaranteed to you in the blood of Christ and you have a right and responsibility to seek them, claim them, and ask your Father to manifest them in your life and the life of your people without wavering. Your duty is to rest in the truth that God has decreed all things that come to pass, while robustly trusting Him for the covenant promises He has revealed to you.

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Knits Up the Raveled Sleeve of Care

If things are getting sticky, they tend to seem less glutinous after you’ve had your eight hours.

P. G. Wodehouse, Jeeves in the Offing

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By Faith, We Minister

[Below is a recent exhortation I gave to Knox Presbytery of the CREC].

I should start this exhortation with a bit of honesty about my own ministerial foibles. As some of you know, I was a Reformed Baptist minister. And while I have no intention of dunking on Baptists, there is an important point to be made about how I personally fumbled the ministerial football and how I believe we might fumble it in the season to come.

I was a Reformed Baptist, and a good one. Perhaps too good. I was quite convinced that my 17th century English Baptist heritage meant we were sons of the Separatist Puritans, and in that I was right. The English Puritans wanted to clean up the Church of England and the Separatist Puritans wanted to clean it up so bad they decided to leave it altogether. The Particular Baptists grew out of those Separatist Puritans, realizing that if they continued to baptize the little ones, who showed no signs of being regenerate, then they might grow up to pollute the church. So, they had to separate from the separatists.

At the heart of my error was a lack of faith. And I filled up whatever was lacking with well-intentioned precision and order. I didn’t think that was what I was doing at the time. And my heart was full of faith, but I was in need of an enlarged heart so that I could sprint in the way of God’s commandments rather than just make sure I was mindful of them. I wanted to grow the church, but not too fast. I wanted revival. But I didn’t want James Davenport stripping down in public and throwing his pants in the fire, or Russell Brand baptizing new converts as a new convert, and in his skivvies. But, while the dead of winter might be clean and crisp, the growth of Spring is untoward and messy.

So what does this have to do with us, Knox Presbytery and the CREC, today? Well, we have quite a communion of churches now. We have a history to preserve. We have distinctives, particulars, a culture, and sacraments to maintain. And we have to honor the ways of our fathers in a time when statues are falling on the right hand and on the left. We have a little tiny foothold in the grand scheme of things and the last thing we want to do is lose that distinctive foothold in a sea of Reformed Evangelicalism gone mad. I suspect our own denomination will face the same challenges present in the broader conservative movement in our nation, with the new right coming up with some ideas that would wind up some trickle-down conservatives. So, which way forward?

The key text is Hebrews 11:1-2, “Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. For by it the elders obtained a good report.” What made the patriarchs remarkable was not circumcision. It was not the golden cherubim over the ark or Aaron’s robes. It was their faith. By it they obtained a good report. By faith, they built arks. And by faith they refused to be called sons of Pharaoh. And the best way to honor them is to live by that same faith and to minister in that same faith.

Faith is the condition through which the promises are realized. And in this vein, faith is called the substance of things hoped for and the evidence of things not seen. If anything marks the ministry of the CREC, it is a faith large enough to actuate the unseen things. It is a heart so enlarged with faith that the things hoped for are nearly materialized. In this faith, we have embodied what Chesterton called that orthodoxy with “the equilibrium of a man behind madly rushing horses.” He continues, “The orthodox Church never took the tame course or accepted the conventions; the orthodox Church was never respectable… It is always easy to be a modernist; as it is easy to be a snob. [Orthodoxy, however,] has been one whirling adventure; [in which] the heavenly chariot flies thundering through the ages, the dull heresies sprawling and prostrate, the wild truth reeling but erect.”

So the exhortation is to minister by faith while resisting the temptation to manufacture the works which flow from that faith. The truth is that the good works we want to preserve quite simply cannot be preserved. They are like manna and will grow sour if you try to store up more than a day’s worth. However, that fruit is promised to us afresh out there in the future if we humble ourselves and walk in the faith of our fathers. That faith has loved orthodoxy without being persnickety. And it has routinely attracted some interesting characters who may not know how many spokes are on the chariot, but sure do want to ride it. That faith has regularly laid hold of God’s covenant promises to see saints strengthened who were very much in need of strengthening. 

It appears to me that we are in a season like that of Elisha when he was surrounded by the forces of Syria. And there are many like Elisha’s servants who are more than a little bit shaken by the sight. We should strive to be like Elisha with our eyes opened to the unseen things, assuring our people and the many lost sheep strung about that there are more with us than are with them, and praying, “Lord, open their eyes.”

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In Moses’ Day

In Moses’ day, God told Israel that if they would obey His voice and keep His covenant, then they would be a peculiar treasure unto Him above all people. They would be a kingdom of priests and a holy nation. These same covenant promises come to us, and our little ones. As they are baptized, they become signed and sealed citizens of this kingdom of priests. And these promises are yes and amen in Christ as we trust Him and obey Him. Our hope is not in water, as if it alone could wash away sins. But our hope is in the Great High Priest over this kingdom of Priests. He is the One who speaks by this water and His Word is true.

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Ultimate Authority

Our Lord’s triumph over the earthly authorities has much to teach us about authority in general. It did not go well for Agrippa when he exalted himself. And the entire hierarchy was levelled when Christ sent the Romans in judgment upon Jerusalem in AD70. In your positions of authority, this should sober you. And in positions under authority, it should do the same. “Put not your trust in man in whom there is no salvation.” And that principle works whether you are at the top of the hierarchy or at the bottom. I want to apply this to marriage, first with a word to wives and then husbands.

Wives, one of the fundamental truths that you must have clear in your mind in heart if you would respect your husband is that he is not Jesus. “Ah, you see, pastor, I already have that one covered.” OK, very good. But I have found more than a few women who have not. Errors abound. People have been known to say, “We have no king but Caesar.” And wives have been known to say, “I have no king but my man.” Abigail would beg to differ and she respected her husband by rightly identifying him as a fool. If you have no standard above your husband and no Godman above your man, then you do not have respect and submission. You have an idol.

Husbands, if you want to be eaten by worms, then signal that your wife should worship you. But there is a better way. That way requires you to know the difference between respect and disagreement. It requires you to trust God and not yourself. It requires you to love your wife, which includes covering a multitude of sins. There is an exacting man, who suffocates those under his leadership and doesn’t know the last thing about genuine patriarchy. He says that he will love his wife if she demonstrates loveliness, having forgotten that it is love that bestows loveliness. And if we might get to the heart of the matter, what shape was Christ’s bride in when He came to die for her? You go and do likewise.

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1776

The American revolution of 1776 was entirely different in principle, character, and tendency from all the revolutions of the European continent since 1789; and it is of the greatest importance to keep this difference in view, if we would duly understand and appreciate [the United States] and its prevailing idea of freedom.

Philip Schaff in God and the Atlantic, 153 by Thomas Howard

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Far Above What We Ask or Think

Imagine that you are there with Abraham when God told him that in him all the kindreds of the earth would be blessed. Really? Sure, it’s easy to believe this word now. You’ve had the privilege of being born a few thousand years after the promise was made. You’ve seen what God did to Egypt and to Og the king of Bashan’s land. You’ve seen David’s conquests and the Messiah Himself come to die for all nations. You’ve seen Pentecost and the march of the kingdom of God around the globe. So, easy for you to say, “Yes, and amen now.” But, what about back then when Abraham was nothing and his wife was long past childbearing years. Really, ‘all kindreds of the earth’ blessed in him?

Imagine him letting out this covenant promise to one of the inhabitants of Canaan only to hear the prideful chuckle and reply, “Hey, Abraham, it might be good for you to own a quarter acre of land here before you give into to any aspirations about changing all the nations of the earth.” The covenant promise is so heavy and unfathomable that God gave Abraham a sign so that he would remember and believe.

So it is with us today. This table is God’s sign of the new covenant. In it, He feeds you that you might live for Him. In it, Christ says, this is my body which has come down from heaven to give life to the world. The whole world? Yes, the whole world. Your children? Yes, your children? To how many generations? To a thousand generations. As you come to partake of this sacrament, trust Him for all of His promises. He is able to do far above all that we ask or think. So come in faith and welcome to Jesus Christ.

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One With Christ

Baptism is not merely a practice in which we follow in Christ’s footsteps. Yes, He was baptized, and we, too, are baptized. But this is more than a matter of doing what Jesus did. Baptism is a sign of one’s ingrafting into Christ. It is a sign of what God Himself has done to us. The covenant child is not an outsider but has truly been grafted into the Lord Jesus. That is a cause for great joy because in the Lord Jesus is where all of the promises of God are yes and amen.

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