Stephan Pastis's Blog, page 10

Losing Hope

I separate all of humanity into people that I know I'll like and those I won't.

And I have an ironclad way of predicting that.

I don't like anyone whose name can be a verb.

Bob.  Chuck.  Drew.  Grant.  Pat.  Rob.  Sue.  Wade.

All bad people.

And it doesn't necessarily have to be spelled the same as a verb.  It just has to sound the same.

Take that, Phil, Mary and Barry.

This is in contrast to the noun folk.  You can always trust the noun folk.

Johns.  Joys.  Eves.  Always great.

Then there are the occasional ones who are oh-so-very-close to being a noun.  Better yet, a risque noun.

Like Dido.

You've got to love a Dido.

But the ones you have to avoid are the ones that could be both noun and verb.

Like Bill or Mark or Hope or Rose.

To me, they're being sneaky.  Trying to be all things to all people.

So when you see one of them coming, cross the street.

Now I know this all runs counter to that old "What's in a name?" adage by William Shakespeare.

But what did he know?

He was a Bill.

And Now A Nod to Our Spanish Speaking Friends…

A brand new Pearls animation!  Click HERE to view.

Just A Quick Question About The Royal Wedding

How does this happen?

Bedtime for Bonzo

Went to the Ronald Reagan Presidential Library last week.

For some reason, one of the displays had an etiquette test. See how well I did by going HERE.

Animated Vikings and Foul-Mouthed Rats

Another new Pearls animation.  Click HERE to see.

Be Special.

I haven't been able to blog as much lately, because I'm shooting the video portion of a new book I'm doing for the iPad (it's yet to be decided whether it will be on the iPhone also).  The book will be called "Only the Pearls," and it will contain my 250 favorite Pearls strips, along with both audio and video commentary.  It's being produced by Chronicle Books.

To get updates on this, as well as info on how to get signed books and where I'll be appearing next, please join the fan page I set up on Facebook HERE.  It will make you special.

And please stay tuned for my next blog, in which I reveal definitive proof that I'm insane.

My Son, My Pride and the Immortal Butterduck

I was playing NBA Jam on the Wii with my son, Tom.  We were set to play against an easy team.

Rather than saying something hackneyed like, "This will be like stealing candy from a baby," I thought I'd come up with something original.

So I said this:

"It will be like throwing pepper on a butterduck."

Never heard of a butterduck?

Neither had we.

In fact, it was so stupid that it caused Tom to say, "Don't quit your day job."

And that's when it hit me.

That is my day job.

So now when I try to be funny and fail, Tom has a new saying:

"Don't keep your day job."

But I'm not offended.

Because I know humor comes easy to me.

Just like throwing pepper on a butterduck.

A New Pearls Animation

Just click HERE to view.

And if you like it, click the little "subscribe" button so you can get the new ones as they come out each week.

Signed "Pearls Blows Up" books (while they last)

One last batch: Okay, I just signed a bunch more "Pearls Blows Up" books at my local Barnes and Noble and drew a different character in each. So if you want want one, just call 707-576-7494. But call soon, as they always seem to go quick.

Fear and Loathing in Dallas

You can't stand more than two minutes in Dealey Plaza without someone approaching you with a theory.

"The bullet that passed through President Kennedy could not have passed through Governor Connally as well," says the fat, sweaty guy holding up a diagram of Dealey Plaza as it looked the day President Kennedy was killed there.

"There had to be a second shooter on that knoll," he says.  I look over at Scott Hilburn (creator of the comic Argyle Sweater), who is with me visiting the site, and we both decide to check out this grassy knoll.

What you find at the top of the knoll is a fence.  So I look behind the fence where the second shooter was said to be standing, but I don't see anyone.  I figure the odds of finding him are low, but you never know.

I also check for shell casings, but I can't find any.  I do, however, spot a Fritos bag and a leaking sprinkler.  I want to ask the fat guy how they might tie into his theory, but I don't have time, because I'm approached by a short, old guy.

"No expert has ever been able to aim and cock a rifle with the speed that Oswald would have had to have fired," says the old guy.  He too is showing me a diagram.  I want to tell him about the Fritos bag, but I can't, because before I can start talking, the fat, sweaty guy comes back and starts gesturing like he is firing Oswald's rifle rapidly.

I try to put Scott between me and the fat guy, thinking that if there is going to be a second assassination victim in Dealey Plaza, I'd rather it be him.

That's when Scott tries to put me between him and the fat guy.  Soon, Scott and I are outflanking each other so many times we look like we're part of a Broadway dance show.

That's when a homeless guy walks over to tell me how the mob, Castro and a gay guy in New Orleans all came together to kill Kennedy.  Soon, I'm so paranoid that I'm suspicious of everyone.

That's when I realize that one man has not said a word.

I look over at Scott.

"Where were you on November 22, 1963?"  I ask him.

"Not yet born," he says.

Likely story.