Bella Dean Joyner's Blog, page 4

Please Have Mercy

Has it really been almost a year since my last blog post?  Wow.  I suppose I let things fall to the wayside while I found myself.  

It wasn't intentional.  I suppose I just had to internalize my life before I could blow out all of the negativity, the disappointment, and the hinderances.  I was so weighted down with baggage that never should have been placed on me by other's expectations and judgements.  I unhealthily allowed it to mold my world into a place I was no longer comfortable living in.  It formed the very opinion I had of myself.  I was unable to accept even my own faults and stumblings.  I barely even knew myself anymore.  I looked in the mirror and only saw a stranger.  

A huge journey towards my betterment of self has been my own perception of my physical appearance.  Ever since I was a little girl, there were always the comments that let me know that others never thought that I was good enough. 

"Looks like you've put on weight."

"Maybe you should lose a bit of weight."

"Wow, almost didn't recognize you."

"You'd be cute if..."

"If you'd only stop eating after 6pm..."

"If you'd only work out a little bit more..."

"Well, at least you have a cute face."

"When I was your age, I didn't weigh as much as you do."

"Wow, are those stretch marks?"

The amount of asinine comments that people throughout my life thought it their place to make towards me is astounding, half of them that were not the picture of Adonis perfection themselves.  It was degrading, humiliating, humbling, dejecting.  Absolutely nothing about these comments made me want to be a better person.  It only made me feel less than.  It made me feel worthless.  My weight fluctuated.  The comments started when I maybe only had fifteen extra pounds to lose.  You can imagine what they became five pregnancies, four C-sections, and one miscarriage later.  People have not been kind.  

I let it hurt me.  I hid.  I didn't do the things that I enjoyed like my blog or my writing which would put me out there in the public eye more.  I'd be forced to take pictures for my book covers, Facebook profiles, hopefully eventually pictures with fans.  I was unable to put myself out there for public scrutiny.  I was mentally and emotionally unable to motivate myself.  

But then I let it happen....the explosion. 

I started to notice the strings that tied me to my former self like spider webs.  

I began to fully understand that I could not move forward without first confronting my demons.  It wasn't going to be as easy as "body positivity".  It needed to extend deeper, to repair years of hurt, years of what felt like irreversible damage.  I did not want my struggles to bleed over onto my children.  I did not want to inadvertently affect them in the ways I had been altered.  I did not want echoing expectations to come out of my mouth and taint how they perceived themselves.  

I faced a lot of things about myself that I wasn't ready to.  I faced a lot of regrets.  I found it almost impossible to move forward when my past was tugging at my mind like it did.  

So I closed my eyes, and I released it like a supernova.  

Okay, maybe all I did was just scream as loud as I possibly could.  I felt tension build around my heart.  I felt my stomach flip flop.  I kept going.  

I couldn't catch my breath when I was done and I had to take a moment to compose myself.  But my mind had cleared.  The air that flooded my lungs was sweeter.  The tension around my heart eased and broke away.  The chains were falling.  

I had to move while I could.  Those little voices come back when you let your guard down.  To begin to heal from them, I first had to make them relax their hold, but I also had to do things in my life that would lessen their power over who I am today.  I began to initiate changes in my life on many fronts which is what all of my blog posts this week will be about.  I feel like speaking them out into the world gives these changes in my life tangibility and holds me accountable for my continued progress and achievement.  

One of those fronts is a workout program that I started.  Today I began Les Mills BodyStep On Demand step aerobics.  I only made it through 20 minutes of the beginners 35 minute program and I was begging for mercy at the end of those 20 minutes.  But I'm going to pick it right back up tomorrow and I'm going to build up until that 35 minutes goes by in a breeze and I can move on to the next class.  

It isn't about being body positive, it's about being self-positive.  It's about FINALLY loving myself enough to know that I am far more than the words that everyone spoke to and about me.  It's about knowing that it's an uphill climb, but the only way to go is up from here.  I am fully capable of making the change in myself that will put me above and beyond reproach from anyone who ever thought it was their place to judge me.  I, and ONLY I, have the POWER to determine the course of MY life.  For far too long I was allowing others to have that power, and THAT is what hurt me.  THAT is what made me weak.  I put more stock in others judgments and harsh words than I did in what I KNEW to be the truth about who I am and what I stand for.  To hell with that.  

I gave myself mercy, forgiveness for my faults and shortcomings, whatever I thought them to be, and I implented change where I knew it was within my power right now to do so.  

When You Are No Longer By My Side, You'll Be Forever In My Heart

The rainbow bridge.  I hope it's a real thing.  I hope that when I die, the pets I have loved and lost will be waiting there for me to cross over into the eternal life beyond.  I choose to believe that the God that I love and serve values the animals He also gave us for companionship, because there have been so many moments in my life that I could not have made it through without His guidance and without the unconditional love and comfort from my furry baby.  I like to think that He values and cherishes that bond as much as I do.  

I think back to that first day with fondness.  A lady I had worked with told me about how her cat had had babies and she was having trouble finding a home for the last little kitten.  I drove the 30 minutes from my house to hers and was greeted by the sweetest cat and the most rambunctious little kitten.  Love at first sight.





However, the drive home seemed endless.  Boy that little kitten could meow, and meow she did as she hung upside down on the wire grate of the carrier I had brought.  She tried to push her nose through the grate so much that she wore a spot in the fur on the bridge of her nose, meowing INCESSANTLY.  I spent that entire first trip wondering what in the world I had gotten myself into.  I had no way of knowing then that what I had gotten myself into was 14 years with my best friend.  

For the rest of my life I will remember the cat that meowed at me when I said her name, who head-butted my hand or my forehead whenever she wanted attention, who would lean so heavily when she was rubbing against you that she'd fall over, who cuddled me whenever I sat or laid down.  I'll always remember the day I first tried to walk her on a leash and harness. She literally flopped over onto the grass and made me drag her a few feet, refusing to cooperate.  I'll always remember the first time she saw fireworks from the safety of my arms, and pooped all down the front of me in response. 

She saw me through a couple of asshole boyfriends and one good man, 4 beautiful children and the loss of two, 4 states and 2 countries, the loss of one very much loved grandmother.  She's let me hold her as I soaked her fur with my tears and she's retaliated by peeing in my shoe when I've pissed her off.  She's picky as hell with her food, hates toys, and prefers sleep over all things.  But most importantly, I'm her person.  I will always be her person.  

I thought I'd have years more with her.  There's all these stories of cats that live to be 19, 20, 21 years of age.  She has always been super healthy, never had to have a vet visit for her except to get her fixed as a kitten and then her shots.  But right before it came time to move to South Korea, I found a lump on her tummy.  It felt like it was on the skin itself, not like it was attached to anything in particular.  The vet at Ft. Carson did a quick biopsy with a needle and said that it was fluid and blood filled, most likely an abscess.  They gave me the option to send the biopsy off to a lab, but we were just about to leave the country so I declined.

Once we got to Korea though, that small little bump quickly became a large softball-sized mass that had broken through her skin.  I thought it was definitely an abscess at this point.  When we took her to the vet though, he did not drain anything.  He removed a large mass from her abdomen.  No biopsy was done.  Nothing was sent to a lab.  I thought it was done and she was okay.





However, three months later, we were back in that same Korean vet's waiting room because it was back and it was all over her tummy and he was telling me in broken English about destiny and final destination and I got it.  He didn't think she was going to make it.  He didn't think she'd make it through a second surgery.  He was trying to prepare me for the worst.  

But while the worst wouldn't come that day, it was coming.  It is still coming.  She made it through that surgery, but the amount of cancer that was taken from her that day told me that our time together was borrowed now.  She was never again going to be so large that her belly swayed when she walked.  She wasn't going to hop up on the bed beside me to cuddle much longer.  Soon, the light in her eyes would dim and I would have to say goodbye.  

I'm living with a lot of guilt right now.  What if I had accepted the offer for a biopsy before we left the country.  Maybe we could have had a surgery sooner that would have taken all of her mammary glands and surrounding lymph nodes out immediately before it became a life sentence for her. Maybe if I had gotten her fixed a month or two sooner when she was a kitten, it would have drastically reduced her chances of getting the cancer in the first place.  Have I shown her without a doubt that she is loved beyond measure?  That I am forever grateful for the impact she has had in my life?  

The surgery she had only extended her life by a month or two at most.  We are undoubtedly in the final stretch of this journey together.  But the few extra days I've gotten to spend with her because of it have been worth the expense.  The night time after the kids have gone to bed has become our time together.  I hold her, pet her, listen to her purring.  I tell her how incredibly she is loved, how the memories we shared are cherished, how big of a piece of my heart she is taking with her.  

I will hold onto memories of her until the end of my days.  I have ordered a special urn for her and a necklace to keep a small portion of her ashes close to my heart each day.  And I have chosen to immortalize her forever by making a small adjustment to my pen name.  When my novels are published, I will do so under the name Bella Dean Joyner.  I suppose God knew what He was doing when He held off me publishing my novel by July 1st like I had originally planned.  I didn't know how things were going to go then, how near the end would be.  I thank Him for that.  He gave me one last chance to honor her and our life together.  

Here's to you, Bella.  I hope that I can make the rest of your days on this earth with me as full of love as possible.  

**Update**  Bella passed away the day after this blog post was written in my arms at her veterinarian's office, just 12 days shy of her 14th birthday.  When all of this started, I told myself that when she started to have trouble breathing, I would make the hard choice to end her suffering and I kept that promise to her.  There is no consolation for the way my heart is breaking now except knowing that now she is no longer in pain, no longer suffering.  She is whole and she is healthy once more.





Until we meet once again at the rainbow bridge, my sweet sweet Bella.

When You Realize You Were the Right Answer All Along

I began this journey with all of you thinking that I would write about the struggles of becoming a published author, the interesting predicaments associated with being a mommy of 4, and the trials that came with being a military wife and moving literally half way around the world away from everything I have ever known.  I thought that this would be a simple task.  I thought that I could balance all of them well in addition to being the perfect blogger. 

I come to you humbly today to say that that is just not the case.  I haven't been managing the balance well at all.  I focus on one thing and the rest gets left behind.  I've failed as a mother when I have succeeded as a writer.  I've failed as a wife when I have succeeded as a mother.  This rollercoaster has really taken me for a ride lately and I have failed all of my readers because I have literally documented nothing but my own chaos and I can't even get that on paper. 

This is me realizing that I took on too much.  This is me realizing that I've stretched myself too thin.  This is me coming up for air after I smothered myself in what I thought everyone else's expectations of me were.  This is me realizing that I needed to put me first. 

With that being said, the deadline I gave for myself of getting my book published by July 1st is not going to happen.  That type of schedule, though something I could easily do since I tend to get lost in my work, leaves absolutely no time for my children, my husband, or to enjoy this wonderful Korean experience we have been blessed to be part of. 

The other day Daniel and I took the children to a Korean/American Friendship Fest here in Pyeongtaek where we live, just outside of Camp Humphreys.  We tried some really incredible foods, some not so incredible foods, and had a lot of fun just being with each other.  I took the day off of writing that day and felt immensely guilty about it.  It hit me that day.  When I've put myself in a situation where spending time with my children makes me feel guilty, then I'm doing it wrong.  My priorities were not where they should have been.  I only have a limited time with these beautiful babies while they are still kids.  I have the rest of my life to be published.  The book can wait.  They cannot.  

Also taking up a lot of my time lately has been this little bundle of fur.  This is Bella, my 13 year old feline companion.  I've known her longer than I've even known my husband.  She's been there with me through 5 moves, 4 children, 1 husband, a few dogs, 2 other cats.  She has loved me unconditionally. 

She developed what a vet at Ft Carson said was an abscess, just a small fluid filled sac in her abdomen that was about the size of a pea.  We were given antibiotics and sent to Korea.  Here, it became a mass the size of a softball that we got surgically removed.  Three months later, we were back at the vet again, removing two more much larger masses from her abdomen.  This time we were offered a biopsy and have decided to go ahead with that so that we know what we're dealing with, make decisions need to be made about her quality of life going forward, and making the most of our time left to love her. 

I appreciate everyone's patience with me in these last couple of months.  I know that I have been absent in a lot of ways.  Now that I've let go of the unrealistic deadline I imposed on myself, the stress has been falling off of me in layers.  I'm writing a little bit each day and steadily progressing.  I'm getting out and experiencing new things in Korea which fuels more of my creativity.  And I'm making memories with my family which are invaluable.  

Now, I am pleased, and no longer ashamed, to say that my book will be published between August 1st and August 15th of this year.  I will be posting more blogs as I progress letting you guys know where I'm at with everything.  This is a learning experience and I intend to make the most of it.  

This time, I choose me.