Amanda Larkman's Blog: Middle-Aged Warrior, page 4

A Summer of Irritating Events

This header image was what I was HOPING for this summer. My summer was NOTHING like this image.

After a long and tiring year of teaching with the added pressure of a pandemic I couldn’t wait for the summer holiday. It was all planned. Two weeks in Provence in a lovely house with a beautiful pool. It was perfect. It was also screamingly expensive but we decided (well, I persuaded Rob) that we haven’t been on holiday for THREE YEARS (except to the Lake District when it rained every day) and we DESERVED a lovely holiday in the sun.

Then the colours were imposed. Red/Amber/Green. The words designed to bring a chill to every would-be traveller’s heart. France was all over the place; we kept hearing horror stories of tourists having to fly back early else face quarantine. Not to mention the cost of the compulsory PCRs and confusion about whether we would have to quarantine and did the kids have to quarantine as they weren’t allowed the vaccine?

ARRGGH! It was all too much and eventually we decided to move it to next year. We would have fun at home, wouldn’t we? Rob researched a list of fun things we could do to try and take the edge off the family disappointment. Canoeing, trips to the beach, meals out, visiting friends and family – oh, the joy was unconfined.

We decided to spend a few weeks roaming around Kent sampling all the fun it had to offer and then we’d visit Rob’s Mum, spend four days in Bournemouth, see my parents then home. I found a hotel that was slightly less than a million pounds a night, booked a kennel for Dog and we settled in to enjoy a summer in the UK.

Then Son asked if he could have some mates over for a sleepover …

I wasn’t keen, but his campaign was so insistent, so relentless he wore me down like a waterfall wears away rock. Promises were offered, emotional blackmail was employed, passionate and compelling arguments were constructed. Eventually we caved in and two friends were duly invited to come and stay.

I didn’t see them once. They squirreled themselves away in a nest of electronic devices and pizza boxes. The only sign of their presence was the deep bellowing laughs and exclamations peculiar to a group of teenage lads not quite 16. Daughter spent her time sighing, rolling her eyes, and moaning about them to her friends.

The next day the lads caught the bus into town, and I complained to Rob about teenage manners and how none of them had come to say goodbye (or thank you) before they left.

Thank God for the rudeness of teenagers, because when Son came back he went straight to bed saying he’d eaten in town. The next morning I received this text from him.

There are so many layers to this text. The ‘awkward’ emoji. The use of the word ‘also’ as if finding out the friend coming for a sleepover the day before he tested positive for Covid was an afterthought.

So after almost two years of mask wearing, distancing, staying at home, washing hands and bathing in sanitiser, Covid got into the house. At least Rob and I were both double-jabbed.

Poor Son went straight into isolation and I kept everything crossed that he wouldn’t get it. Sadly, it didn’t work. Four days later the dreaded line appeared. Positive. In between having stress nightmares about Son being rushed to hospital and put on a ventilator, or me and Rob getting it, dying, and leaving our children orphans, I rang around cancelling the holiday in Bournemouth and the kennels for Dog.

Our lovely list of fun activities went out of the window. We were trapped. The four of us. Together. (Well, Son was banished to the room furthest away from the rest of us with his own bathroom – I held back from stringing a bell around his neck).

Son was quite happy. he didn’t yet feel poorly, and with a TV and PlayStation in his room, his phone, no adults on his case, and food being delivered on trays three times a day – of course he was happy. Luckily, he was only poorly with a bad fever for two days and very quickly felt better. I knew he was better when he started a vigorous campaign (again) to be let out as he felt fine and was testing negative. We stayed firm, and sat looking out the window, counting the days down until we were allowed outside.

Rob and I tested ourselves and Daughter every day with neurotic obsession. We were completely paranoid. We kept asking each other to check temperatures. Was that a fever? When Rob sneezed we’d exchange panicked glances. I woke up with a headache. This is it. I thought – dismissing the four M&S gin and tonics I’d drunk the night before – I’ve got Covid. I’m fat, over 50 and asthmatic – this is the end for me.

At the end of ten days I had a pile of Covid tests and Rob, Daughter, Dog and I had all escaped Covid. (Well, I assume the Dog was OK – she was strictly forbidden from going anywhere near Son). We flung open the windows and doors and breathed in the air of freedom.

‘I’ll rebook the hotel!’ I announced. ‘It’s a flexible booking! It’ll be fine!’ Joy all round.

Sure enough, when I rang the hotel they were very helpful. ‘Of course!’ they said. ‘We can re-book the same rooms.’

‘Great!’ I said. ‘How much?’

How much …. I crossed my fingers and squeezed my eyes tight shut, sending up a quick prayer as she clattered away on her keyboard to see how much it would be.

ONE THOUSAND POUNDS MORE.

FOR FOUR NIGHTS!

S**t and corruption. As my mother would say.

But all was not lost. Every morning I stalked booking.com until the prices fell and then I pounced like a fat, middle-aged tiger and grabbed the rooms for the original price. Triumphant I told Rob and all was good until he reminded me about Dog. Where would Dog go?

Guess how many kennels had spaces?

None.

Not a one.

The roller coaster of the summer hit the skids again but, hooray! A cancellation! The roller coaster shot up in the air again. But! In an attempt to be super organised, I read the requirements on the kennel website. She must have kennel cough within three weeks of arriving!

One frantic call to the vet and jab was organised. Dog went in, came out jabbed. Sorted! I thought.

Then arrived at the kennels and was told Dog couldn’t be allowed into kennels until three weeks AFTER the kennel cough jab. Goddammit!!

The kind man at the kennels saw my aghast face and took pity on me. He had an isolation room Dog could go into as she was still kennel-cough-virus-live apparently. ‘Don’t talk to me about viruses,’ I muttered as I handed over wads of cash.

We FINALLY arrived in Bournemouth. I had forgotten how beautiful it is there. Over the four days we had two days of glorious sunshine – so hot we could swim in the sea. I rented a paddle board and Son, Daughter, and I paddled about in the freezing sea for an hour. We all fell in regularly and it was salty and cold but listening to the sound of my grumpy teenagers helpless with giggles made it one of the best days of the summer.

I even amazed myself by getting up early one morning and going for a run – Rob caught me as I set off down the empty streets next to the hotel.

I’m wearing my ‘Hell has no Fury like a Woman in Pink’ Cancer UK t-shirt as I’ve signed up to run a 5k in September. I really need to keep running as much as I can because at the moment I am running so slowly people will be packing up and going home and I’ll still be panting along around the 2k mark.

Running merrily down the path to the beach I didn’t think through how horrendous it would be running back; it nearly killed me getting back to the hotel. I must have looked awful as three separate people yelled encouragement to ‘keep going!’

There are two pictures that sum up our Bournemouth break. This video is half way through my run (before I turned round and realised I had a huge hill to run up – excuse the heavy breathing)

And this one is THE NEXT DAY, when we visited the pier in the middle of a howling rain storm – Son and Daughter wanted a go on the giant slide, despite the wind and storm clouds on the horizon.

English weather, eh?

The other highlight was this incredible cocktail which marked the first time we’d eaten inside a restaurant since the pandemic started.

Isn’t it beautiful? It’s a Drgnfly Sour from a wonderful Asian restaurant in Poole

Back home we went to collect a very over-excited Dog from the kennels. All seemed well, though she was behaving a bit oddly – very clingy, and kept doing that paw on your knee staring into your eyes and whining thing where she seems to be asking you to go and rescue some animal that had fallen down a well.

I noticed she kept licking her tummy and when I rolled her over to have a look I saw a full set of very engorged nipples. Odd, I thought, and pressed lightly on one of them. An enormous jet of milk shot out.

What the hell? I thought. Dog regarded me calmly as I … well, sort of milked her. Yup. All nipples fully functioning. Dog was lactating.

Had she got knocked up in the kennel? Was I to expect a bundle of puppies? Kids were delighted, Rob. Not so much.

Turns out she is having a phantom pregnancy, of all things. Apparently quite common and the vet advised us to ‘ride it out’ until she settled back down. I asked how long it would last and he replied, ‘no idea.’

So, we are back home, it’s been raining constantly for the past week and Dog is, yet again, encased in a cone. She is not happy about it. I think this may be the fourth time in a cone. We’ve had a lump removed, a grass seed worming into her paw, a hot teabag incident, and a broken toe nail. So it’s the FIFTH time in a cone.

Food has been a highpoint on my summer holiday roller coaster. Firstly, I discovered Gousto. As you know, I’m a ham sandwich kind of girl, and cooking is absolutely not my thing. Luckily Rob is quite proficient in the kitchen, and he usually cooks. Unfortunately he expects me to cook over the holiday pointing out that he’s still at work and I have nothing to do all day so I should cook. I argued, but it would seem he had right on his side.

Gousto came to my rescue. They send you everything in a box and you just throw it all together. It’s got us out of a rut of spag bol/cottage pie/chops/pasta and roasts we’d got into. Check out these beauties!

I have also discovered this in the Marks and Spencer’s BBQ section. On the handful of days we have had some sunshine we bolted outside to fire up the coals and I am completely obsessed with these halloumi kebabs.

It didn’t just rain over the summer, it also stormed. It stormed so bad our house got struck by lightning. Did you know you should unplug your modem if there’s a storm? Well, I know now! The lighting strike took out the wifi and all the spotlights in the kitchen. At least it didn’t set the roof on fire. Lesson learned, if you hear thunder, unplug the router!

Reading, as ever, saved me during the long rainy days where I hid in my room so I couldn’t hear the children asking every 18 minutes whether there was any food. This one was lovely. A gentle tale about a young girl growing up in the country. It was sweet and funny and a wonderful escape. I’d highly recommend it.

I am in the middle of my prequel to ‘The Woman and the Witch’ and I have to be careful what I read as authors I love infect me with their style. I have this waiting next to my bed. I love everything by Lisa Jewell and I have no doubt this will be as brilliant as all her others.

After months of agonising procrastination and writing a word at a time, I have finally got into the swing of my prequel ‘Frieda’. It is bouncing along but I am touching wood as I write this as I am worried I’ll jinx it. It tells the story of Frieda or Mrs B, the witch from my first novel. It starts in Paris in 1959 on New Year’s Eve and I am loving researching all the fashions of the time. I keep calling my Mum up and saying things like, ‘what kind of shoes would a down-trodden 20 year old wear in 1960?’ and ‘did you use the word teenager in 1960?’ or ‘how much would a bunch of roses cost in 1960 and would you have been able to buy them in winter?’ She is being very patient with me, bless her.

My 81 year old Dad, once I published my third book, finally decided to have a read of them and, obviously inspired, has now embarked on writing a memoir. After writing about 30,000 words about his life on the note app on his ipad, I stepped in and introduced him to Word and bought him a little keyboard so he didn’t have to write the whole lot using the screen keyboard, which was painful to watch. He was delighted when I managed to reprint his book on A4. He couldn’t work out the printer so he had about 300 tiny pages – around 10 pages to one sheet of A4 – which was so tiny he couldn’t read them. He was getting roaringly frustrated before I managed to sort him out. I blew his mind about seven times that morning, my favourite was when I showed him he could dictate his book by talking to the ipad. Unfortunately he had trouble turning it off, so there are a few pages in his manuscript containing a word-for-word record of his argument with Mum about whether the new light bulbs were energy saving or not.

I also ended up falling down a rabbit hole looking up Russia in the 1960s and learning all about the centenarians of Abkhasia. Writing is a very strange thing.

I am so in love with the red and pink silk Schapperelli dress.

I still have two weeks of holiday left before it’s back to work. Despite Covid, lactating dogs and constant rainfall, it’s been lovely getting to know my children again as almost-grown-ups. They are beginning to look out towards the big bad world but, for now, they still seem to tolerate hanging out with their aged parents. Long may it last!

Now you’ll have to excuse me, I’m off to make Rump Steak with Spicy Rice and Peri-Peri Sauce!

Teaching in a Pandemic, Book Covers, and a Giveaway

Thank God for half term. Teaching in a pandemic hasn’t been a picnic but oh, my goodness, making sure the pupils get their GCSEs is an absolute nightmare! I am pretty sure it’s the same in all schools, but certainly in mine, teachers are having to set, mark, and moderate pupils’ assessments then once that’s done a an A4 sheet of evidence has to be put together for every pupil. This takes AAAGGGGEEEEEESSSSS. Especially if, like me, you are preparing them for two GCSEs, English Language and English Literature.

And do you know what the worst thing is? The exam boards are still charging FULL PRICE for every grade they issue. Despite the fact that they are not writing papers, setting papers, marking papers or moderating papers (because the teachers are doing them all.) I can’t believe more schools aren’t complaining about this.

So, instead of a fairly relaxed summer term with the year 11 and year 13 sent on their way to study leave in early May, they’ve been here the whole time being taught and prepared for in-house assessments. And don’t get me started on how unbelievably awful the weather is.

I was looking forward to the weather improving this term. I have to take a roll call at 7.15 pm and due to Covid restrictions we have to do it online. We have a garden, so I was looking forward to finally getting all my pupils together outside and seeing them together IRL.

Not once. NOT ONCE since 20th April, has the weather been nice enough. We’ve had terrifying gales, torrential rain, thunder and lightning, and brass monkey temperatures. Also, great oceans of mud get tracked into the building annoying everyone.

In other news, Rob has been having a whale of a time. Our neighbour who is the most bonkers petrol head I have ever met, hatched a plan to hire an industrial sized steam roller. Our gardens are reclaimed from fields so are filled with rabbit burrows, mole hills, weeds and are very bumpy. Well, not any more! The two of them spent a happy week rollering up and down and, for a moment at least, the grass could rival a cricket ground.

Here’s Rob on one of our neighbour’s other machines. I think it’s a lawn mower, but it looks like some strange machine from the film ‘Alien’.

Rob enjoying the neighbour’s invention.

Dog isn’t happy at all. She had an operation last year and recently has been worrying away at the old scar. It was starting to look quite nasty but it was the weekend and late at night and God knows what happened to her last cone. So, I improvised. On Youtube I found a video that said you could use an old towel and masking tape to wrap round Dog’s neck so she couldn’t worry at the scar. Perfect! I thought.

I found an old Sportacus towel of son’s and unearthed my masking tape from under daughter’s bed and fashioned a dog cone. Success! Dog was not happy (to say the least) but seemed to accept her situation.

I don’t know what she did in the night but this is what we found in the morning. I don’t know how on earth she managed to get it off. She must have dragged her head along the ground to pull it off.

A discarded towel and masking tape makeshift dog cone.

But sadly for Dog, Pets at Home was open the next day so she’s in a proper cone, bashing into door ways and our legs. We had roast chicken last night and Rob and Dog had an enjoyable game of ‘chucking the chicken into the cone’ – an old favourite.

Dog in ConeMy Book!

To my delight, my book The Woman and the Witch continues to gather reviews and it makes me so happy that people have enjoyed it. I thought I’d treat her to a new cover – what do you think?

New Book Cover

I am hoping to start work on the prequel ‘Frieda’ over half term, but my brain feels like a piece of old chewing gum at the moment, so I may have to wait a while.

My second book, a thriller called ‘The Bookbinder’ came out in April, do check it out if you fancy a twisty story set in Brighton and France.

GIVEAWAY!

Talking of books, to all you readers in the USA you can enter a giveaway to win a FREE Kindle copy of ‘The Woman and the Witch’ on Goodreads. I don’t know why it’s only in the US so sorry to those who would have liked to have entered. However, I can offer you a FREE Audible copy if you contact me and ask. You can find me on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter.

If you are in the USA here’s the link. Good Luck! It runs out on the 3rd June so do hurry.

Goodreads Book Giveaway The Woman and the Witchby Amanda Larkman

Giveaway ends June 03, 2021.

See the giveaway details at Goodreads. Enter Giveaway

Things that have made me happy recently, despite everythingDaughter making me a candle by melting down an old candle and putting in a new wick. It’s a bit sunken in the middle but I can’t remember the last time she made me anything so it is very precious. I am also feeling smug as she was insistent on getting incense despite me telling her it would smell awful and stink the house out. At least the smell drove her into sitting with us for a bit rather than disappearing into her roomI got through to the third round of the NYCMidnight short story competition! It’s fiendishly challenging (For example, the last round I had to write a story in 72 hours, 2,000 words, and it had to have ‘Do-Over’ as a subject, genre had to be Action/Adventure and a character type of ‘lackey’. God knows how it got through, it must have been by the skin of its teeth.) The next round I had 48 hours, 1,500 words with ‘Sci-Fi, Reptile Owner, and immature’ as the challenge. Fingers crossed the judges like it.Last week I bought new running shoes. I realised (with a sort of shocked horror) that my current trainers were older than my children. The new ones made me bounce along to the quickest run I’d done in years. Hooray! (When I say quick, it’s a relative term, my running app continues to record all of my runs as walks.)The sun came out yesterday!This Viennese whirl. Now, I love Viennese whirls. I don’t care they taste amazing because they are made of lard. Usually I get the little Mr Kipling ones (I only allow myself to get them very rarely) but last week I found this beauty in the farm shop. I’m not joking, it must have been the size of my hand. I wish I’d thought to include a pound coin for scale, but I ate it too quickly.My almost-head-sized Viennese Whirl

6. This TikTok video that makes me think of my Son. Both my children treat Dog like their younger sibling and this video of a lad showing his dog there was nothing to bark at, is exactly the sort of thing Son would do.

Goodreads Giveaway!

I’ve not done this before and I must first apologise profusely to anyone reading this who is not in the US. For some reason this offer is only available to Americans so I’m really sorry you can’t enter this is you are anywhere else!

However, I am running a competition on my Facebook page to win one of three paperback so you could have a go there – all welcome!

My new book, ‘The Bookbinder’ came out on the 2nd April. That difficult second novel and I am very nervous about its reception. Hopefully people will a) buy it b) like it c) give me a lovely review d) write such a good review it attracts the attention of a Hollywood/Netflix film director e) director then approaches me to offer millions to film my book f) I build swimming pool in garden and Rob gives up his job

Well they do say dream big!

Here is is. If you enter below you are in with a chance to win a kindle copy of ‘The Bookbinder’.

Goodreads Book Giveaway The Bookbinderby Amanda Larkman

Giveaway ends May 01, 2021.

See the giveaway details at Goodreads. Enter Giveaway

I hope you like the article header image of the swim suited reading woman who, of course, looks exactly like me. I told you those skin products took years off me! God! I long to be lying in the sun (next to my new swimming pool) reading a book. After a few gorgeously sunny, warm days the temperature has plummeted and I can see nothing out of my window except grey skies and a very cold looking Dog, mournfully gnawing on her revolting pig’s ear.

But it is Easter Sunday as I write and a very large Easter egg lies in wait for me. Let’s hope I can control myself a little better than Easters gone by, but I doubt it. I am still reeling from the disappointment of the packs of Hot Cross buns (M&S Apple Cinnamon no less) NOT being delivered in my weekly shop because they ran out. They also ran out of Easter Eggs so had to emergency buy stupidly expensive ones from Amazon. Son’s isn’t arriving until Easter Wednesday (yes, I know that’s not a thing) but he seems resigned about it. He is a worldly 15 after all.

I am hoping he will forget I owe him one so I can squirrel it away in my secret cupboard and eat it when nobody is watching me except Dog.

And if you are very unlucky and never win anything, you can always just buy a copy of my new book – it’s very good, I promise!

Spring, a Bad Dog, and a Book!

At last, at last! The daffodils are out, the sun is out, and you know what else is out? My NEW BOOK that’s what!

Here she is, isn’t she a beauty?

As always, the joy of seeing my book available to order is undermined by the impulse that keeps telling me I now need to start my next one. I hate starting a new book as you always think it’s going to be terrible and I suspect my latest idea (a family’s adventure when a holiday goes badly wrong) might be a bit odd.

In the Warrior household nobody is impressed by the publication of my new book; they are focused on nothing but the state of everyone’s hair after months in lockdown. Rob is enjoying – rather too much for my liking – his silver fox version of the Farah Fawcett flipped fringe, and Son’s hair seems to be growing upwards, like a bushy hedge. Last week he could bear it no more so Rob had a go with his hair clippers and Son’s topiary was tamed to his satisfaction with no ears cut or the wrong bits shaved off. Success!

Meanwhile I have found the only solution is to wear a hat whenever I can. The only one that is remotely suitable is one of Joe’s woolly hats. It is bright green and emblazoned with the words ‘SKILLZ’ but for someone reason doesn’t fit on my head properly so I look a bit like this.

but without the beard… well so far anyway

But anything is better than the horrific realisation of how very grey I am under the dye I have worn for years. The last time I did my own dye as a rebellious teenager I managed to coat everything in s sludge of glistening blue-black that ruined everything I was wearing and my mum’s good sofa, so I daren’t do it myself again. Roll on 12th April.

Dog is very much in the Dog house at the moment. A few days ago I was at work when an unexpected fire drill began sending a riot of sirens and bells throughout the building silencing Rob, who was giving a live lecture at the time.

He explained to his students he would have to leave for a moment so he could get himself and Dog out of the building which may be on fire.

‘Run, Dr Rob, run!’ they typed as Rob raced from the room and found Dog’s lead. He then called her to attach the lead so they could flee the possibly burning house. This took a good ten minutes as she is so stupid and gets so over-excited when she sees the lead, she pirouettes about, jumps up and down, and does a few zoomies around the sitting room before calming down enough to let you put it on.

(As an aside she is also like this when we play fetch. Despite years of training she simply doesn’t understand the concept. She will race after any ball or stick you throw, but then refuses to give it up, just runs in circles around me as I shout increasingly loudly, ‘just DROP IT, Dog, you stupid animal’. So a game of Fetch with Dog is a very short one.)

By the time Rob has got the lead on Dog the alarm has stopped. Panicking about keeping his students waiting for so long, Rob returns to them forgetting (and this is a key point here) forgetting to PUT THE LEAD BACK IN THE DRAWER!

Now as you may have read here on this blog Dog has an obsession with leads. As a pup she got through more leads than I can count. Even when I got a lead made out of a thick, steel chain, she rendered it useless by chewing through the handle.

So you can imagine my despair when I returned to discover what must be the hundredth lead between Dog’s paws and teeth on the sofa. It is a retractable lead that looks like this…

They are hugely expensive. The only consolation I had was that as she looked up at me with a guilty grin, the hook bit fell from her mouth and the lead itself whizzed itself back into the body of the handle at 60 mph thwacking Dog in the face so she blinked in bewilderment. I hope she’s learned her lesson, but very much doubt it.

The Easter holidays stretch before me, I am convincing myself the skin care products I bought last month have taken years off me (I’m not looking in mirrors any more). The temperatures are going up and work is fading into a faraway blur (I am not looking at the piles of marking I have to do just yet) and things are OK.

I have a whole pile of books on my TBR pile, I joined three Facebook Book Clubs and it has had a terrible impact on my bank balance. Have a look at my Good Reads reviews if you’d like to see what I’ve thought of the last lot of books I bought.

The Woman and the Witch is still out, see link below, and here are two videos to whet your appetite!

Stay safe and enjoy the Spring Sunshine xx

The BookbinderThis is 99p for the first week of April 2021!

‘The Woman and the Witch’ to join Amazon Prime Reading!

A few weeks ago I received a strange email from Amazon. In it, they discussed the Amazon Prime Reading Programme and said they were considering adding my book – ‘The Woman and the Witch’. At the end of the email they said to keep it confidential for now.

Well! How mysterious! To begin with I was convinced this was spam, but had a Google around and found it was a real thing! You can imagine my delight when I discovered that Amazon Prime Reading ‘is a relatively new service that gives unlimited access to a selection of top-selling Kindle ebooks, audiobooks, popular magazines, comic books, children’s books, and short reads.’

Top selling!!! Top selling? Me? An Indy author? I haven’t sold that many, one or two a day, but to see this made me think perhaps I haven’t done too badly.

But then I read that just because I’ve accepted the invitation it doesn’t necessarily mean it will go ahead, and I certainly wasn’t offered the thousands of pounds other authors had been offered. I wrote to Amazon and asked if I could promote to my readers that ‘The Woman and the Witch’ had been invited to join the programme and they replied (very quickly) ‘uh, no. It might not get chosen so wait until you hear more.’

Well, that took the wind from my sails! Immediately after that I didn’t sell a book for four days, so that taught me. I also got a two star review, so back I was, plunged into the gloom writers know so well. I decided to put it to the back of my mind and thought I won’t get my hopes up…

Until I got this!!

Wooo Hoooo!!!!

Oh, my goodness I was so happy. So starting today ‘The Woman and the Witch’ the book I took years writing – this is my post from way back describing how fed up I was getting with the bloody thing – is now on the Prime Programme. It’s only for 90 days, starting from 1st March, but I really hope it will introduce Frieda and Angie to some new readers.

I’ve now finished my next book – ‘The Bookbinder’ – and am just in that horrible stage of waiting to hear back from my beta readers. So far the feedback has been very kind, so I am hopeful people will like it.

I’ve popped a link in below for ‘The Woman and the Witch’ if you fancy having a look to see whether it’s worth the ONE HUNDRED AND TWENTY FIVE five star reviews. Including my favourite which called the book ‘bloody brilliant.’ Goodness, I have turned into a horrible little show off. The marketing aspect of being an Indy writer really is the worst bit.

In other news…

I have been very excited to buy these two products

You can find them at La Roche-Posay

I’m afraid my face is just falling off my skull now and the marionette lines (as I’ve learned they are called) trace a rather deeper than I would like record of every smile and cigarette smoked. I wouldn’t normally worry about it, but I spend my days teaching online staring at my hideous face as I can’t work out how to hide my screen without turning off my video to the pupils – which I need to keep on. It’s like when you’re in the hairdresser and no matter how hard you try, your eyes are constantly pulled back to the horror of your gurning face, stripped of make up and the camouflage of a bit of hair tossing about.

(Thinking about it, it would have cost me a lot less if I just got someone to show me how to hide my camera from myself.)

I’m not sure how well it’s working. After a week I thought I looked FANTASTIC! I felt very smug, convinced I looked years younger. Unfortunately I then caught myself in the mirror, in daylight, with light streaming in from the side. This is not the best way to be lit. I prefer night time with a spot light trained directly into my face. Anyway, the lines were there as bad as ever. Hey ho. I keep looking at women in their 50’s online thinking how the hell do the look so good?

I have discovered the answer. THEY HAVE BOTOX!

THAT’S what gives them that smooth look. I thought it was just for foreheads, but apparently not. I am thinking really quite hard now about trying a lip plumper. The left side of my mouth is doing great guns, nothing changed there, but on the right side my lips have given up the fight, shrivelling into a little wobbly line, Lipstick does help, but something needs to be done. Anyone got any suggestions?

I’ll give it a bit longer. To be fair, the hyalu serum does make my face feel lovely and plumped when I use it, and my face is so ravaged by sun and time, it’s got its job cut out. I am going easy on the retinol to get my skin used to it, hopefully that will start kicking in when I use it more often. Watch this space!

In order to detract from my collapsing face I feel lipstick is more important than ever. I still have my trusty collection of reds, but recently I have discovered Trinny of London – remember Trinny and Susannah? I used to love that programme, but I wonder now if it was a bit body shaming? – and I have completely fallen in love with this shade. It’s from the Lip 2 Cheek range, so you can use it as a blusher too. It’s a gorgeous watermelon colour and is called Phoebe.

She also does this amazing Miracle Blur, which is like a kind of Polyfilla but I haven’t quite got the hang of it… see pic fail.

It looked great so I I decided to give it a go. As you can see, the first attempt did not go well – although I looked AMAZING from a great distance. It filled in my lip and marionette lines so they didn’t look as deep. But close up…

I went on Facebook and sent a message to Trinny and, bless her, she got back to me straightaway to say this ISN’T how you’re supposed to apply it, it certainly shouldn’t look like a crusty white face covering. Less is more!

Here is a video of Trinny talking about it

And here’s a link to ‘The Woman and the Witch’

'The Woman and the Witch' selected for Amazon Prime Reading!

I was absolutely delighted to receive an invitation from Amazon to add my book to the Amazon Prime Reading list.

Amazon Prime Reading is a 'carefully curated list of around 1,000 books by popular and best-selling authors. They are refreshed on a 90 day basis.'

'The Woman and the Witch' has apparently hit that category! I can't quite believe it and a huge THANK YOU to all of those who read it and wrote nice reviews so it came to the attention of the Amazon curators.

So, hopefully, lots of people will discover Frieda and Angie!

If you want to see what all the fuss is about and see whether it's worth the 125 Five Star Reviews you can find it here.

The Woman and the Witch

And if you'd like to see more, Frieda and Angie feature in my collection of Short Stories

Airy Cages and Other Stories

Spring Mornings, Fish, and an Interview!

Well, what a year its been already. The first and most exciting thing I need to share is that the utterly marvellous Kate Kenzie (You can find her blog here) has written not one but TWO blog posts about me and my book ‘The Woman and the Witch’. Still available here (apologies for the shameless plug, but needs must) It’s out on Kindle and in paperback, and if you want to hear me screeching away like Dick Van Dyke on speed, it is also available on Audible.

Kate read the book and was kind enough to write a review, which you can find here.

Book Review: The Woman and the Witch by Amanda Larkman

And then she contacted me to ask if I would like to be interviewed! Of course I said I’d love to and you can read the results here.

Meet the Author: Amanda Larkman – Witches, Magic and Favourite Books

I was over the moon to be asked and I was really pleased with the posts so thank you, Kate Kenzie!

Since I last wrote I’ve been beavering away on my latest novel ‘The Bookbinder.’ It is out with my beta readers at the moment so I am gnawing my nails away waiting to hear what they think. As ever, it took ten times as long as I was expecting to get it done as I kept having to re-write and cut out chunks and then do it all over again. I’ve just worked out I’ve spent nearly two yeas on the damn thing. Hopefully it will be worth it.

Aside from book news, family continues to survive, despite the third lock down. I am afraid I have bad news, though, Some of you may remember Bob, Gary and Steve the three goldfish my daughter asked for her 11th birthday two years ago. I wrote a while ago about my worries about Gary who had managed to wedge a giant stone in his mouth. Steve lost the fight a few days after we bought them but Gary and Bob III have been going great guns.

Until today. Great sadness in the warrior household when we discovered only Gary circling the tank.

Where was Bob?

Bob was nowhere to be found. We searched the surrounding area, no evidence of a suicidal, fishy flight from the tank to be found. Daughter eyed Dog suspiciously but she was all innocence. Sadly, after a thorough Google, Rob concluded that Bob must have fallen ill, and Gary took full advantage of the er… material available to him, and ate him.

Only when Daughter’s eyes rounded in horror did I realise that in making a little joke about ‘actually it’s Bob mark III’, that I hadn’t told her we’d replaced Bob twice. Two times we discovered Bob floating on the surface and a quick trip to the pet shop meant Daughter never knew. (I would have replaced Steve but Daughter was the one to find him.) Maybe Gary drove them all to nervous breakdowns with his constant circling, cannibalistic gleam in his fishy eye?

Gary is now swanning around the tank, his tail bloomier and fuller than ever. None of us are speaking to him at the moment.

Dog has LOVED Lockdown #3, of course. For a treat I bought her a disgusting bag of Pig’s ears and a gnawing bone. For some reason she has a compulsion to bury them deep in the garden, returning at a later date when they are good and rotten. Yuk.

Dog returns from a dig. Pigs’ ears safely buried in the mud. Her feet looked like she was wearing mud wellies.

When we won’t let her out (as I am fed up of clearing up all the mud) she buries it in the bean bag with her nose instead. Son managed to catch her on video and sent me this.

Dog is featuring a lot in my social media at the moment. Unfortunately the children have got to that age where they would rather lick concrete than appear in any of my cheery little posts. Never was this better illustrated when I saw this really cute Tik Tok that has been doing the rounds.

@brittanyjones760

STOP! I was not expecting that Why do I have the cutest child. #toddler #challange #thecutest

♬ original sound – Taris Tallman

As you can see, the idea is you put your hand out in front of your child and record their reaction. So cute! I thought.

Son looked up from his phone for two seconds and ignored my hand completely. Daughter, bless her, rested her chin in my hand but then made me delete the video.

The only thing for it was to try it with Dog and she came up trumps.

@amanda.larkman

#labradoodle #labradoodlelove #kidswouldntjoinin #fyp

♬ original sound – Taris Tallman

Excuse the sooty fingers – I had just made the fire!

I also made a Tik Tok to prove what a genius Dog is – check this out…

@amanda.larkman

#labradoodle #dogs #mydogisagenius

♬ original sound – The Woman And The Witch

And last but not least, this is one of my favourite Tik Toks involving a group of nuns who have clearly gone bonkers over Lockdown. They are hilarious – look for ‘The Daughters of St Paul’s’

@daughtersofstpaul

#NunPranks #NunTok Inspiration: @jakesfunny

♬ original sound – Daughters of St Paul

You can probably see that Lockdown and finishing my book has led to some determined procrastination.

Surprisingly, with all this time on my hands I thought I’d read loads of new books, but it’s been the opposite. Any energy I had went into finishing my latest book, and I found it absolutely impossible to take on the challenge of anything new.

So, I’ve been re-reading Marian Keyes’ back catalogue as her books are nice and familiar and I can let them wash over me. If you are an aspiring writer do check out her wonderful and FREE guide to writing, which is brilliant and very life affirming.

There are a handful of books which were good enough to break through my reading apathy. You can find all my full reviews on Good Reads.

This was ABSOLUTELY GRIPPING and I couldn’t put it down, even though it left me sick with tension. Excellent escapism.

This one was also very, very good. I wasn’t sure about it at first but my Facebook Book Clubs kept recommending it so I thought I’d have a go. I think its got the best title I’ve read since ‘We are All Completely Beside Ourselves’ (Also a very good book)

I read this when it first came out in 1983 when I was just the right age for it to blow my mind. It seemed so grown up and dangerous and I loved the lead character. I was reminded of it when Netflix produced a BRILLIANT adaptation of it. Read the book first then watch Anya Taylor-Joy’s spectacular performance.

I hope you are all OK in this third and hopefully final lockdown. Keep reading, and if you don’t know what to watch I found a very engaging Tik Tokker who regularly posts things like ‘my top creepy movies’ or ‘best thrillers’. We’ve watched three he recommended that I would never normally have chosen and the were brilliant. Here’s one.

If you want to find things you wouldn’t normally watch he’s someone to look at. His name is Bryce Vaughn and I’ll put a link to his page below.

If you haven’t already, I suggest you have a look at Tik Tok. It’s not just about young people doing dances. There’s some really interesting Doctors, Historians, Artists and Writers on there. I saw a brilliant one where she was showing you the fences in London made out of metal stretchers from the war.

Stay safe and enjoy the lovely, warm spring days that seem to have crept up on us.

@da_narrator

#greenscreen #netflix #movie #reccommendations

♬ Strawberry – Prod by Rose

Here are some photos I took recently on Dog walks – the last one I was too hot in my coat! Roll on summer…

NEW BOOK!

Lots happening this week.

To begin with, my first book, 'The Woman and the Witch', is now available on Audible read by ME!

UK Link: https://www.audible.co.uk/pd/B08L6NYH...

US Link: https://www.audible.com/pd/B08L6Q57WF...

Secondly, I am delighted to say that my collection of short stories, 'Airy Cages and Other Stories' is now available from Amazon as a Paperback,

You can buy it now here...

https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B08L7JHP8M

And the Kindle edition is available to pre-order here...

https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B08KRJYZZT

I'd love to know what you think of them - come and let me know! The Stories would be an ideal gift for Christmas, especially for the women in your life. It's an ideal mother-in-law present!! (My mother-in-law loved them) :)

It’s Never Too Late

In December 2017, frustrated by yet another standard rejection letter from a literary agent, I started this blog. Since I was a dorky teenager I’ve had a compulsion to write stuff. Poems, novels, short stories… I had computers and notebooks stuffed with bits and pieces I’d written over the last thirty plus years.

Every now and then I’d read The Writers’ and Artists’ Yearbook and follow their advice with fierce concentration. I’d send off my latest book to a carefully curated list of ten or so literary agents. And… Nothing. Nothing would happen. Mostly, they didn’t even reply.

So, in December 2017 here I was. Starting this blog. The compulsion to write got worse as I got older. I wrote like a maniac and went against all the sensible advice about saving up your articles and just flooded my blog with posts. About my eyes, about my stillbirth, about my Dog, my family, my weight…

Then one day I found the beginning of a chapter I’d written about a very old woman with a very bad temper and some magical powers. With my bowels quailing with nerves I posted it to see what people thought. The response was quite kind and one blogger asked ‘what happened to the boy?’ (In the chapter a lad is carried out to an ambulance).

As soon as she said this an entire story unfurled in my head. Characters, settings, plots, they were all there. So I sat down and started writing it.

Two years later I finished it. A 120,000 words long novel. It was so big and had been such a pain in the backside to write and I had re-written it so many times I lost all perspective. It’s a pile of rubbish, I thought.

WIthout much hope I sent it to some agents. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. All standard rejections except for two responses. One said, ‘I don’t like the characters’ and another wrote this…

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This, strangely, gave me hope. It wasn’t that I was a bad writer, it was that it wasn’t an easy sell.

Sod it! I thought. I’ll self publish it, and in April 2020 I did. The Woman and the Witch (still available on Amazon!) As of today it has an unbelievable SIXTY SEVEN reviews averaging at 4.9 out of 5.

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After self-publishing this book but feeling it wasn’t ‘proper’ writing, I thought I’d try getting ‘proper’ published again. As Peter Buckman had been so kind to take the time to write a thoughtful email rather than the standard rejection letter, I sent him another book I had up my sleeve. To which I got a standard rejection letter. Ha!

Undaunted, I sent him another book, a thriller I’ve been working on, and this time he sent this.

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Self-publishing is a route ‘plenty of excellent writers are taking’ he said. Finally the ridiculous shame about getting rejected by literary agents fell away. If Peter Buckman thought self-publishing was a good thing then I was all for it.

It’s a cliche and I can’t believe I’m saying it as it sounds so trite but let me tell you, straight from the heart, if you’d told me in December 2017 that in 2020 I would have published a novel and a collection of short stories I simply would not have believed it to be possible.

Mind you, there’s a lot that’s happened in 2020 that I wouldn’t have believed but moving swiftly on…

I wonder what my fourteen year old self would have thought? Back then I was writing terrible, self-conscious and heavily Plath influenced poems with which I overwhelmed the editor of the school magazine. I sent her twenty-seven poems of which two were published. This is one of them.

[image error]Urgh. I wish I could go back in time and take out that ‘hurries’

To anyone out there who has that writing compulsion I’d say keep at it! And if nobody will publish you then self-publish. But I would also say be prepared to make sacrifices.

Writing these books has been the hardest thing I’ve done. Hours and hours over years and years of time. In that time I’ve ignored my family, stayed up until 2 or 3 in the morning as I also had a full time job. Thankfully as a teacher I had the holidays, but it still had to take second place to things like housework and spending time with the children.

Realising that the 25,000 words you’ve just written have taken yourself down a cul-de-sac is heartbreaking. You fight and fight and try re-working it then realise it’s not going to happen. Press delete. Horrible.

But seeing my paperback in the hands of people in a real shop made it all worthwhile. Well, it did for me, I’m not sure Rob and the children would agree with me.

So my next book is now out. Written over the lockdown but – I hasten to add! – not ABOUT the lockdown, here are six stories, It’s out now in paperback and available to pre-order on Kindle.

In it are stories inspired by my 96 year old grandmother who wanted to sit under a horse chestnut tree, an unlikely love story about a Kent mechanic and a Swedish Viking, and a triumphant tale about a sixty-seven year old weightlifting widow. I also couldn’t help going back to visit Frieda and Angie from The Woman and the Witch, who surprised me by breaking out a woman in peril who was trapped in an old folks’ home.

Do have a look and let me know what you think. It’s only a few quid on Kindle – less than a coffee from starbucks!

So take it from me. Whether it’s writing that novel or getting down to the gym or out on your bike, it really is never too late. Rather than spending hours thinking things like ‘why didn’t I go into writing when I was twenty instead of teaching? Why did I listen to my granddad and go for the secure pension rather than following my dream?’ (I did this a lot as I approached my 50th birthday) Shut yourself up and think, as I did, I wasn’t ready then. I do need a secure pension as I’m so crap at saving money. I love teaching and the years I’ve spent working and living have given me all the ideas that are now coming out in my books.

Sit down and think what’s stopping you? What’s stopping you starting up that farm in Wales, moving to France, learning the piano, going on that art course? Work it out and then try and remove the thing that’s holding you back. Don’t get to the end of your life and think oh, is that it? But hang on, I never got to… Do it NOW! Think. If not now, then when? What have you got to lose?

Otherwise, life has been busy. Dog still has her yeasty ear despite me and Son dosing her up daily with the ear drops, dutifully ‘manipulating the ear cartilage until it makes a squishing noise.’ It’s looking a bit better today so I hope she’s on the mend.

She LOVED having us around all the time over Lockdown and was very sad when we all went back to school and work. On the second day of term I couldn’t find her and looked everywhere before discovering her curled up in a sorry little ball on Son’s bed.

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In other wonderful news, I am teaching The Life of Pi to my Year 10s. It’s a lovely, lovely book and I decided to invest in the Audible version so they could listen to it for a chapter or two as well as reading it themselves.

There’s one brilliant, brilliant scene where three holy men quarrel over Pi who has been attending Catholic church services, Muslim prayers at the mosque as well as the Hindu temple. The narrator we were listening to read this bit brilliantly. His different accents meant the scene came alive and jumped off the page, revealing the great humour of the encounter.

This guy is brilliant! I thought. He even managed to capture the Indian accented Canadian cadences Pi would have had after moving to Canada. I looked to see who narrated it to find the name Sanjeev Bhaskar.

Hang on! I thought. I know that name. He’s one of my favourite actors, I loved him in Goodness Gracious Me and The Indian Doctor but most of all in Unforgotten. (Do have a look, they are all brilliant.

So I put this post on my Instagram tagging him in (I love his IG name, it’s @tvsanjeev) saying how much my class had enjoyed his reading of the novel.

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To which did he not only reply…

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But he then reposted!

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It made my day! I thought it was so cool. I showed my class. I hoped they’d find it really exciting but they weren’t overly impressed. However, I did notice a whole load of them had gone onto Instagram to like his post. Bless. I wonder if he realised why a whole host of teeenageers was liking his post? I hope he worked out that was the class who had enjoyed his reading so much.

Facebook Saved the Day

Rob (who does all the cooking) was moaning the other day that he had run out of ideas and was fed up with cooking and the kids never ate it and… etc etc.

So I went to Facebook in desperation for ideas of something that wasn’t spag bol, roasts, fajitas and pork chops and their suggestions were mind blowing and rather shaming as we had definitely got stuck in our ways.

Inspired by the lists of dishes suggested by my friends Rob rose to the challenge and looked through some recipes and produced these gorgeous things…

[image error]Moroccan Chicken Thighs with couscous



[image error]The most delicious ramen with pork and veg

Don’t they look fantastic? OK, so the kids picked out EVERY SINGLE piece of sweetcorn, the lunatics, but apart from that it was a great success. Thank you, Facebook friends!

It was burritos and risotto after that so we’re feeling very smug and fancy at the moment. I’m sure it won’t be long until we are back on shepherds’ pie and spag bol, though.

Finally, I have now added to the list of things I have bought with the money I earned from selling my novel. I have resolved to only buy beautiful things that make me happy so here they are! What do you treat yourself with?

[image error][image error][image error][image error][image error]All bought from The Walrus and Oyster Emporium in Canterbury, handmade by local artists.

Come to my Book Signing!

So I can’t believe this, but it’s true. On Saturday 5th September between 12 and 3 I will be sitting in the best shop in the world: The Walrus and Oyster to do a Meet the Author and Book Signing event.

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I can’t tell you how excited I am about this. If you’d have told me three years ago that the book I was staring at in despair (as I realised I would have to chop out about 80,000 words and start again) would end up being a real book that people would pay for…. I would have thought you were mad.

[image error]My sumptuous embroidered silk dressing gown – I bought it from The Walrus and Oyster and it is my favourite thing

Yet here we are. The lovely Emma at Walrus and Oyster (where I got this gorgeous new dressing gown by the way) hosts over a hundred artists and now I will be one of them!

Emma is on a mission to support and exhibit local artists and the shop is a treasure trove of delights. She is also a fellow warrior – I knew the signs as soon as I saw her!

So if you are in Kent and fancy meeting me and buying a book and want to see the best shop in Canterbury do come along!

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Argh! Look at my big fat face.