Sandra Tayler's Blog, page 136

As good as I can be today

I was catching up on last night's episode of Dancing with the Stars when Jennifer Grey (of Dirty Dancing) said something that resonated for me so strongly that I had to re-watch that segment to hear it again. Jennifer was asked why she was so committed to her performances, what was driving her. She answered:

"Just to be as good as I can be today. That's it. I just really, really want to be my best and show myself what I can still do or never knew I could do."

Moments like that are why I find the show worth watching. They are the times when I can see that someone has dared to do something new even though it scared them. Jennifer's determination shows, she is holding nothing back when she dances. That energy makes her far more fun to watch than the technical perfection of the professionals-only dances. Jennifer may or may not win the competition, but she really has already won.

Now I just need to drill the thought into my skull so that I can remember it on a day when I'm afraid to try, or on a day when I've dared to try and failed.

Mirrored from onecobble.com.

Acquiring a Cat

Our part-time cat has become a full-time cat. Gradually she was spending increasing amounts of time at our house instead of being at her official home. I think the other cats at that house were chasing her away from the food. The neighbors to whom she belonged are also good friends and have given us permission to begin feeding the cat. They do this with full knowledge that she'll transfer her permanent home here. Having her around has been so good for both of my girls. Petting the cat is one of the first things Gleek does every morning and is always her first stop upon returning from school. Ditto Kiki. They spend hours outside petting her and playing with her. The concentrated cat-cuddle time has been so good for them. They are really good about using a lint roller on their clothes the moment they walk into the house and my allergies have been alright thus far. She really is the perfect cat for us. She is social and vocal (no chance Gleek will forget to feed her). She's also self-sufficient and content to curl up in the garage at night.

I must confess that I watch the cat cuddling with longing. My allergies developed in my teens and I really miss the feel of a purring cat. I do pet her sometimes, but only with one hand and I have to immediately come inside and wash lest there be hives and wheezing. I think how nice it would be for my girls to sleep with a cat, but that is simply not to be. I will just be content that the perfect cat came to us again, even after we had to give her back. It was a long strange road, and there is every possibility that she will change her mind again, but for now she is ours.

Mirrored from onecobble.com.

Anime Banzai

I have a blogger's dilemma. Yesterday I attended an anime convention with Kiki, Link, and assorted teenage friends. Conventions are always filled with tightly-packed events, a hundred small stories to tell. I want to record these stories, to tell the delightful details which demonstrate exactly how much fun my kids had at the event. The point of such an entry would be to hold the memories in words so that the event could be savored again. My problem is that their delights were not mine. Their best moments happened when I was not present. They came to me when they had problems, were bored, were worn out, or were hungry. My day consisted mostly of sitting in hallways, people watching, solving problems before they were problems, and being available. I want to tell a joyful story, but my day was interesting and full of useful service, not really full of joy.

The real problem with the convention was that I paid all the costs both in time and money, while the enjoyment was primarily theirs. This is one of the things that I do as a parent, almost without thinking about it. Most of the time their joy brings me joy. This time I'm having trouble with cost counting. All the things which got delayed so I could manage the convention for my kids are still waiting for me with increased urgency attached. I guess I have to consider it a learning experience. Next year I will not be involved in marathon last-minute sewing sessions. If kids want impressive costumes they'll need to spend their own time, creativity, energy, and money. Next year they'll need to pay some or all of the entrance fees themselves. These changes are not just for my benefit, but because I realized that by removing the effort from their event, I actually deprive them of important learning. They can not appreciate a hard-won prize if they never have to work. Compliments on a costume you made yourself carry much more joy than if your mother made the costume. This I think is the real source of my dissatisfaction. They had an event full of shiny excitement, but devoid of learning. It was all treats and nothing sustaining.

Fortunately for me I have wonderful and intelligent children. Both Kiki and Link thanked me multiple times for the help and support I gave. Their gratitude lasted into today when they both actively helped clean up the house. I think that they did learn things despite my efforts to remove effort from their day. In the end it was a good event for us all and while I intend to manage things a little differently next year, I still intend to support them in going.

Mirrored from onecobble.com.

Class at the gym

I knew when I entered the building that kickboxing is probably not the right class for me, but Howard knew the instructor and he used the excuse of introducing us to maneuver me into going. Howard loves the gym. It makes him sad that my membership has been mostly unused for quite a long time.

Introductions were performed and I stood in the class wearing a borrowed set of gloves and feeling sorely out of place. Then the music started and I also got to be confused and out of step. By half way through the class I had figured out some of the movement patterns which made it possible for me to enjoy the sensations of active moment. The physicality of the activity was something my body has been craving for awhile. So Howard's plot has succeeded in that I'll probably go to more classes. I'll pick something dance based though. Punching and kicking hold no joy for me.

As I summed it up for Howard, the things I did not like about today's class are all easy to adjust. The exercise itself felt really good. I was very pleased that I had the endurance and muscle strength to keep up. I did not like feeling like a newbie even though I was one. This was exacerbated by my awareness of my baggy clothes and ratty old shoes among all the shiny, slim, new gear. I don't think anyone was judging me, but I had a really hard time pushing down negative thoughts about my own appearance. This was particularly true since I last used my tennis shoes for mowing the lawn so they were stained green and shed dried grass clippings on the hardwood floor. I feel bad about that part.

Exercise is supposed to be one of those things where adding it into your schedule makes things better. I shall try and see.

Mirrored from onecobble.com.

Finally settling in

The last round of IEP (Individual Education Plan) and SEP (Student Education Plan) meetings are now done. I have met with various educators to speak about my children and mostly the educators think my kids are great. This last round of meetings was filled with smiling and nothing at all to be concerned about. This is good news. It means that the set up work for this school year is finally complete. Now we can get on with steady sailing.

And on that thought, I'm taking the rest of the evening off.

Mirrored from onecobble.com.

October costuming begins

Tis the season for costumes. My kids persist in being creative. It is a trait I really enjoy. Often they can put together thoroughly entertaining ensembles from the supplies they have on hand. But sometimes they have a very clear picture of what they want and it is highly complicated. Then we have to negotiate. Some years are easy, only requiring me to locate appropriate props. This year is not looking easy.

Kiki wants a Zero Suit Samus costume. This video game character wears a skin-tight body suit, which is not something I am comfortable having my 15 year old wear in public. We have created a compromise which looks less like the character than Kiki would have preferred but which won't get her harassed unpleasantly at school. To increase the level of difficulty, Kiki needs her costume complete by Friday because she has an event to attend on Saturday. I am sewing like lightning this week.

The presence of the sewing machine in the kitchen has all the other kids hovering and spilling over with ideas about what they want to be. Mostly I am letting them ramble to see if the same idea surfaces more than once. Also I am listening for the cool ideas which are also easy so that I can encourage those. Thus far I have not succeeded in this. Link's current plan is to be one of the Halo characters in full body armor. He wore something similar a few years back. We cobbled it together out of spray-painted sports equipment. It looked enough like the costume to pass for a young child, but it is not something that would be acceptable for junior high. Also it doesn't fit anymore. Armor is a costume that my sewing machine can not really help create. There will be negotiation.

Before this week is over I need to make them all choose. I have to have time to figure it all out. Simultaneously I need to be arranging all the details for the church Halloween Carnival. I'm in charge this year. Halloween looks to take over the entire month of October.

Mirrored from onecobble.com.

A rambling examination of the current state of my life

When people ask how I am doing, I tell them "fine." It is a true answer, but it is also incomplete. The full answer to how I'm doing is very complicated and takes a long time to tell. So I distill my life down to a single word, because taken on the whole my life is fine.

Harder to answer is when someone asks what I have been up to lately. I have been doing so many things lately that it is hard for me to pick anything to say. They're all tangled up together and I have trouble articulating what is filling my days so completely. All of my days are full. Even the days when I spend most of my energy avoiding the things I really should be doing. My brain is full. My hours are full. Things I thought would be done by now keep bouncing back, and there are still things I want to add.

On Friday night and Saturday morning Howard and I fell into conflict. He was grouchy because his week had gone awry and his grouchiness impacted me. I went spiraling into the pit of "I can't do this" where in I lament how I have too many things and I can't possibly manage it all. One of the things I find highly annoying about emotions is that they have to be expressed and felt, even when a piece of my brain knows that it will all be fine. My meltdown was nicely magnified by knowing that dealing with meltdowns only add stress to everyone involved. Which is why I try not to have them. I know I am doomed to fail. Meltdowns are pretty inevitable, but I do my best to steer, alleviate, and schedule them.

There are people in my life who want more complicated answers when they inquire how I'm doing. They know that I expected September to be a little crazy. We've entered October now and I've started hearing "So have things settled down for you yet?" I want to be able to give a positive answer. Our family has made so much progress from where we started six weeks ago. We've come a long way, and some things really are settling in to nice patterns. Some things have gotten really good and nothing is truly bad. However I don't feel settled. I don't feel like my schedule has spaces in it that I can count on. I'm still adjusting and reacting on a daily basis. Some days have lovely spaces of time in which I can contemplate new projects, but the list of projects I have queued up is very long and the projects which are just for me keep getting bumped down the list. I need to qualify that last sentence. All of my projects are mine. I love them all. The projects which get worked on most are the ones who benefit other people as much or more than they do me. I think this is a good way to prioritize and a good way to spend my life. It is just that I am constrained by many simultaneous projects. I don't want to give up any of them and I want to do more.

Mostly I manage this by suppressing thoughts of the projects for which I don't have time. My garden is a mess and it will stay that way. I try not to think about writing projects unless I come upon a space in my schedule. Unfortunately writing projects thrive upon back-of-the-brain simmering and the simmering space in my brain is full of other things. I hardly dare hope that I'll be able to free up the back of my brain. I can think of nothing so likely to cause an emotional meltdown than hoping for something and having it snatched away. So I'm doing the work in front of me.

As I was writing this Howard came into the room to discuss schedule for the evening. I told him that I would start snack time soon. Then I said "And we'll get to have another week tomorrow." I meant "start another week" but the way it came out is rather apropos. Each day is so full of things that it feels like a week.

On Saturday Elder Uchtdorf spoke about slowing down and taking time for what matters most. He gave a really good talk. I'm trying to do that. I feel like I've been trying to slow down for about two years now. I've had some measure of success, but I often feel like I am digging in my heels and being dragged along by all the events I am expected to steer. Some times I have to cut loose and skip things. I am grateful to live a life so full of good social events and friends that I can't keep up. This has definitely not always been the case in my life.

So how am I doing? Fine. Really. I'm very busy, but most of the busy things are good. I only end up worn out by quantity not by difficulty.

What have I been doing? Stuff for the kids, mostly homework support, and scheduling. Stuff for the business, maintenance work, some revamping of old systems, preparations for upcoming events, and book layout. I've also been managing accounting, managing the event booking for both family and business, making new friends, reconnecting with familiar friends, and spending time on family.

Do I have space for calm contemplation or writing? Yes. Sometimes. Those times arrive randomly. I can't expect them or hope for them. All I can do is try to take advantage of them as they arrive.

Mirrored from onecobble.com.

LDS General Conference

Our church had general conference this weekend. It is ten hours of topical speeches given by the church leadership. These talks are spread out into five two hour sessions over two days and we can view/listen via radio, television, or internet. Today we gathered all the children and hooked a computer up to the big screen so that we could watch. Gleek and Patch cheered out loud when the learned it was conference. They love the feeling of having all of us gathered in one place, listening to good messages, while quietly engaged in various activities.

I still have much to ponder from the things I heard. I'll need to read the text when it comes out in the church magazine next month. I may also re-watch some of the talks on the internet at LDS.org. The process will help me gain inspiration about my own life. I could use some inspirational clarity. My perspective has felt muddled of late.

Mirrored from onecobble.com.

Things going well

In an effort to look for things which I actually want to find instead of focusing on the things I wish would go away, this entire post will be about the things which are going well.

The before school rush has been chaotic and often frustrating for years. This year it settled right into a regular routine. I do have to expend effort to get Link out of bed, but the other three are getting up fairly quickly and pleasantly. They've each picked a breakfast food which they eat every day, removing thought from cooking. Gleek takes a bath every morning without requiring assistance and then gets dressed. In fact all the kids are getting themselves dressed without prodding or intervention from me. They often have significant time to play before it is time to go. This leaves me free to focus on backpacks, lunches, and dishes.

Link makes up for the extra help needed in the morning by requiring no extra help in the afternoon. He comes home and does his clarinet and typing practice. Most days I don't even have to remind him. He short-cuts on German practice, but is willing to work harder when I point this out.

Gleek has been requesting an earlier bedtime because she wants getting up to be easier.

Kiki has been loving Japanese class and constantly comes home with tales of fun Japanese treats she got to eat. Today she came home with a handful of seeds. They come from a Japanese pear tree and she wants to grow one.

Patch came to me one day and declared that he wanted to buy some lego accessories from an online store. In an effort to earn money, he combed through all his belongings to find things he was willing to get rid of. He also sorted and cleaned. He earned all the necessary money and is now eagerly awaiting the arrival of a package in the mail.

I went out for the evening last night and only got one phone call from the kids at home. They had no major arguements or disagreements. They followed instructions and the two younger children were both in bed asleep before I got home. To top it off, the house was in approximately the same state that it was when I left. They did not make a mess.

Mirrored from onecobble.com.

Wildlife at the park

We expected to find ducks at the park. I'd brought a spare loaf of bread for the purpose of feeding them. We did not expect the full fleet of ducks who converged upon the kids the moment bread was in evidence. Apparently this pond is a favored pit-stop for migratory ducks. The bread disappeared quickly and the children were lured to the table by pizza. However the realization was quickly made that pizza crusts are made of bread and so the children flocked back to the pond for another round of duck feeding.

The adults all sat at the table watching the children and the ducks. We also observed several large dragon flies dive-bombing clouds of midges. The aerial acrobatics were fairly impressive. All wildlife was forgotten for a time when the marshmallow blow guns and stomp rockets were brought out. There was a battle royale, although many of the smaller combatants were observed eating their ammunition.

The evening waned and the sun was retiring when the mice made their presence known. One scurried across the concrete pad and disappeared into a crack far too small to admit a living creature. We set out a small piece of pizza crust near the crack to see if he would emerge again. He did and we were all quite entertained to watch the tiny mouse pull the crust through a too-small hole. The rocks surrounding the duck pond proved to be alive with mice, and so some of the kids went hunting. Many mice were sighted but none were captured.

The mosquitoes made their appearance and that was the cue for the humans to leave. As we loaded the cars, pairs of ducks winged over head toward the sunset. They were headed for the lake to sleep. They'll be back at the pond in the morning. We won't be back tomorrow, but we'll come again sometime soon. The evening was lovely and we need more lovely evenings.

Mirrored from onecobble.com.