Michelle Bates's Blog, page 2

When Being Thankful is Hard

I wouldn’t describe myself as a determined person. I’ve also never been one to set high goals and go after them. My husband, however, is a determined person. He is a go-getter in every sense of the word. I admire people like him. People who announce their goals on Facebook one day and then come back days later saying that they have achieved them. But in November of 2015, I was determined to be thankful, even if it was for a bowl of chowder or a pair of shoes.

11 days prior to November 1, 2015, The Accident happened, and I had every reason to NOT be thankful. I could be ungrateful and no one would have passed judgment on me. I could have sat and wallowed (which I did) on social media sites for the whole month of November, and people would have encouraged and virtually sat with me in my self-pity. But, I also knew, that I had things that I could be grateful for even if it was a pair of shoes or a bowl of chowder.

It is a well-known fact that having a thankful heart can change an attitude. I truly believe this, but being thankful through grief does not make walking through the grief any less hard.

Being thankful is hard. Our human reaction to pain is to want to crawl into a hole and cry and stay there (there are many days I still want to do that), but while I was reading back on my thankfulness during that time, I noticed something-Jesus was in the thankfulness posts and he was near. In fact, I believe he was the One prompting my heart to be thankful and to see the things that were around me.

At Thanksgiving dinner, I sat at my parents’ table and we took turns going around the table saying what we were thankful for and I was mad. I couldn’t verbalize anything. It took all my strength to hold back tears. It was a “first” that I never wanted to face and I was angry. But Jesus was in that day too, because eventually, I came up with something to be thankful for:

Thankfulness Day 25 and 26: The hard. Those suffocating moments when all you can do is let the tears fall. Waking up on another “first” and crying before my feet hit the floor.

For cooking. For being able to work and make yummy food with simple ingredients and to make it with my Mom and sister in the kitchen. Gravy and juicy turkey.

For a husband who grieves and loves hard.

For the jokes of children.

For laughter.

For grace. Because without grace. Without Jesus. We wouldn’t be able to do THIS. Big THIS. THIS life. THIS road. THIS hard. THIS.

Grateful because He meets me in the hard. He meets me in those suffocating moments when I wake up in tears. He meets me at the “firsts”. We have a lot more “firsts” to do. He will meet us in those too…Because He’s enough, and He already promised that He would.

“Give thanks to the Lord, for He is good. His love endures forever.” ~Psalms

There is one thing that I am forever grateful for-how Jesus has met us in the hard and in the brokenness. He meets all of us there because he has walked through harder things and has been more broken than we have ever been or ever will be. When we can’t be thankful, he remains steadfast and interceding for us. When we cry and weep and groan, he cries and weeps and groans with us.

This Thursday, when we feel the pressure to be thankful, my prayer is that if we are coming up short, we will be thankful for the One who gave his life and conquered death for us. So that we wouldn’t have to believe that this is all there is, but instead he has given us hope and lavished us with grace beyond measure and he has proven that he is enough.

Just Ask

I don’t like to ask for things. Especially when it is asking for something from a stranger. For example, directions or help from a clerk in a store or asking where the bubbler is when I’m thirsty at a mall. I usually end up asking one of the kids to ask where the latter is because people outside of New England call it a water fountain and my New England pride refuses to call it that when I’m thirsty.

My 15-year-old son won’t ask for anything from a stranger. It is really frustrating for me, but I can’t say he didn’t fall too far from the tree. Asking for something makes us both uncomfortable. I suspect it makes a lot of us uncomfortable. But yet, we have to do it quite a bit in our daily lives.

Jesus instructed us to ask him for help. (Matthew 7:7) It is still something that I rarely want to do because that would mean that I need a Savior, and that’s humbling. I want to be able to do things by myself.

Our daughter, Tullie, rarely asks for anything. She’ll mention being hungry or thirsty or express the desire of wanting to play something in particular, but she doesn’t ask for anything from us. Our other children, on the other hand, say all day long, “Will you buy me _______ (fill in the blank)?” Honestly, it gets exhausting…. but I digress.

A few weeks ago at dinner, Tullie was having a difficult time cutting her pork chop. We saw that she needed help and she would keep looking at us like we should stop what we were doing and help her without her asking for help. So, we let her continue to struggle. She’d keep looking at us with pleading eyes, but we kept eating. Near the end of the meal, Mike said, “Looks like you’re having trouble. You can ask us for help cutting your meat.” But she continued to struggle and eventually she cut a couple of pieces.

Mike said to Tullie after the Meat Cutting Event, “Tullie, you never ask for anything. All of your needs are met. You are a very content kid. If you ask for anything, I will give it to you.” She got a twinkle in her eye and smiled and carried on with what she was doing but yet she didn’t ask for anything. A couple of days later, one of the kids told Tullie, “Ask dad for $20. I bet he won’t give it to you.” Tullie looked at Mike and said, “Can I have $20?” Mike pulled a $20 bill out of his wallet and handed it to Tullie. Tullie took it and held it to her chest. One kid offered to give Tullie $5 if Tullie gave them $10, but she wouldn’t have any of it. She’s a smart cookie.

Tullie still isn’t quick to ask for anything, although we have been putting her is safe situations where she has to ask for help and encouraging her to do so. It’s humbling to ask for help. It doesn’t matter who you are or what your abilities are, we want to do things by ourselves and on our own terms. Be self-sufficient. Be our own savior. If we ask for help it means we need someone else to help and that we cannot possibly do something on our own. If we ask for help it strips us of our independence. Often times, we don’t like looking like we are in need of something.

But we need help. We all do. It doesn’t matter if you are the President of the United States or a dishwasher at a restaurant, our need for a savior is in all of our DNA. Whether that is a big “S” or a little “s” savior, we still need one. Even if it just the lady who pointed me in the direction of the bubbler. But that lady, cannot do anything more for me after her directions, I need someone bigger.

We are in desperate need of a big “S” Savior. And God knew it before the first words of the Bible were written. He knew that he would need to send a Rescuer for us and when he did, he also knew that we would not respond well to his Son.

On the Mount of Olives, Jesus sat and talked with thousands of people. For a really long time. He gave a lot of instructions and people just sat and listened to him. One thing he kindly said, was,

“Ask and it will be given to you. Seek and you shall find.” Matthew 7:7

“Just ask. Just ask and I will give you what you need.”

It sounds so easy. It sounds like we can rub the genie out of the bottle and receive the solution to all of our problems. Why is asking so hard to do? Because there are many times that God doesn’t give us what we ask for. There have been months and years when I have not asked for anything because I knew that he wouldn’t give me what I asked for. Having my sons back. Grief being taken away. Instead, I believe he has asked us to endure waking up each morning. And I’m okay with that. Maybe. It depends on the day.

Are our desires and our biggest asks usually the ones to free us from pain and strife? To make our stresses go away? To make our grief go away? So, just asking is…well…hard, because our pain and suffering won’t go away until we are Home.

This is why I believe, the “IT” in that verse is the request for our need for a Savior. We need a Savior and Jesus is IT. When we ask, IT will be given to us. Life. Grace. Peace. Hope. Mercy. What Jesus gives at the expensive cost of his life. “It” was not cheap. Grace is expensive. So is peace, hope, and mercy, but it is available for free when we ask. When we ask of him it doesn’t mean that all of our problems will suddenly fade off into the sunset, but it does mean that he will be with us in the messiness of life lived out.

Take heart. He has overcome the world. John 16:33

The Unexpected

I can say with confidence that there have been many times in our nearly 20 years of marriage where the unexpected happened. Sometimes the unexpected was good and sometimes it was bad.

This unexpected is something that has turned out to be good and beneficial for many. I hope.

I never expected to become a published writer. I enjoyed writing when I had the time and putting some thoughts on paper (or screen), but I didn’t think that it would actually turn out in print. As the story of our family began to unfold, it seemed that it had to be in print. But if our story was going to be told, I would most certainly point out who the Hero of our story continues to be.

I was picked up by a publishing company last year and we began working together to organize and fill in pieces of our story that were important to share.

After Tullie’s and Eli’s birth I had become frustrated with Christenese in the church. Different phrases that I had grown up hearing and used were beginning to burn my ears and not make sense. “God won’t give you more than you can handle.” “God works all things together for good.” “He’ll give you the desires of your heart.” And so on. It became frustrating as our suffering continued, because these promises seemed trite and untrue. They were difficult to believe. I realized over time, however, that these verses or phrases had been taken out of context of the scripture that they represented. God WAS going to give me more than I could handle. God’s definition of good is not my definition of good.

I have been raised in the church and went to Sunday School as a child. I also did not know the gospel. I thought God would bless me if I kept the rules. By his blessings, my mean, I would have a happy life and happy children. God did not promise that his children would not suffer, in fact, it’s the opposite! Jesus promised that we WOULD suffer when we love him, but that he had conquered the world!

The book happened because of our life events. The book happened because I wanted to share that Jesus is in the midst and the heart of our suffering with us. The book happened because I wanted to share the hope of Jesus in the midst of all of our darkest hours.

All of our dark hours look different. Not all dark hours are the same. My hope is that you will see Jesus in this book and that you will be reminded that Jesus is with you in your dark hours and his has lavished you with grace and he sustains you through your days. (Psalm 3:5)

Available on Amazon.

It’s Back

Orange sunset

October is back.

Four years ago, come October 20 something my cousin took this picture. It was taken the day of my Boston’s service celebrating his life and mourning his loss of it after The Accident.

October is back. Again.

I think of Rapunzel’s mom in Tangled when Rapunzel tells her mother that her birthday is coming and her mother responds, “I thought you had a birthday last year!” Rapunzel’s response, “Well, birthdays do come once a year, Mother.” Just as Octobers come once a year and I can do nothing about it.

After The Accident and the day of Boston’s service we had an inn full of family and friends. One cousin was there, and we had walked with him and his wife before and during their daughter’s going Home and he had brought a bottle of wine that they had saved to celebrate her life. The four of us sat on the back porch and we drank it together, remembering our children. After they had gone inside, Mike and I stood up and looked behind us. The most majestic sunset I have ever seen graced the skies in front of us. It was phenomenal. Another cousin snapped this picture from my kitchen window when she saw Mike and I embraced and watching together. The tree was bright orange and the sky looked like it was on fire.

Since that day, that tree has not become that bright orange with fall and the sky has not been as majestic. Was Jesus loving us in those moments after a hard day? I choose to believe so. I believe that he remembers us and loves us and knows when we need a reminder of his presence.

As the calendar ticks closer to October, there are a lot of things that I can become anxious about. Sometimes when my fuse is short with my children, I want to blame it on October. I want to say, “It’s October! I have a right to be cranky with everyone around me!” But I also must remember that there are other grievers around me who are just as broken as I am. I am not alone. There is a comfort and a sadness with that. I don’t want this for my children or for my husband.

I have been blessed with a friend, who wrote postcards for each day in the month of October. On each postcard she wrote a Bible verse. A Bible verse for each day of the month of October. A verse to remind me that Jesus loves me. Jesus hears me. Jesus groans with me. Jesus died for this.

My heart doesn’t hurt just in October. It hurts all year around. The scab just seems to rip and bleed a lot during October. It’s no small thing to wake up in the morning after you have lost a child. It’s a big deal. With each wake up it, proves that he sustains us. For the next 29 days, I plan on clinging to Psalm 3:5, “I lay down and slept, I woke again, for the LORD sustained me.” He promised he would.

He will sustain me tomorrow and the next day. Each day will be filled with new mercies, and I hope that I will also be reminded of his great love for me and of the gospel.

This is BIG!

As many of you know, I was picked up by a publisher last fall. I did a Kickstarter at the beginning of the year to raise funds to get my book off the ground and with those funds I have been plugging away at the book. It’s gone through a bit of an evolution, but I believe that it is a good one. A different title than I expected and a much stronger theme.

My heavy lifting of the book was done the early part of July and since then I’ve been going back and forth with cover ideas and changes with my publisher and proofreading and tweaking. Yesterday I approved my final full cover and today I got the book in it’s full layout. I have breathed a few big breaths and have giggled with amazement that we’re even at this point.

It couldn’t have happened without you guys. The people that have walked with my family in our deepest grief and have stuck close to us when we were wanting to pull away. I am grateful for you. You have been gracious to us and Jesus’ grace has been evident through you.

I wanted to share this with you guys because you are a part of this too and you can share in the excitement with us.

Rest on His Unchanging Grace

My daughter painted this picture off the cuff. One day she was thinking and it came out this way. Sunsets have become very significant to our family since The Accident, and I think that shows in this picture. It’s hopeful and it’s beautiful.

When darkness veils His lovely face,

I rest on His unchanging grace;

In every high and stormy gale,

My anchor holds within the veil.

On Christ the solid Rock, I stand;

All other ground is sinking sand,

All other ground is sinking sand.

I know that it is hard to hold onto these words in the midst of life’s pain, grief and sorrow, but we need to be reminded of truth even if we are struggling to believe it.

God’s grace is unchanging.

He is forever the same. The Alpha and Omega.

He is our hope.

He is our peace.

He is truth.

His oath, His covenant, His blood,

Support me in the whelming flood;

When all around my soul gives way,

He then is all my hope and stay.

When I am overwhelmed, give me Jesus.

When I am full of sorrow, give me Jesus.

When things are too heavy, give me Jesus

…hold fast to the hope set before us. We have this as a sure and steadfast anchor of the soul… Hebrews 6:18 & 19

#Jesusisenough

I never thought…

I never thought I’d write a book. But then again, I never thought that life could be so full and so painful in my adult life.

We can all say, “I never thought _________.” Life throws us a bunch of curve balls. Suffering happens. Pain happens, and a lot of times we don’t know how to deal with the pain and suffering. I know that I don’t. I still have a lot of unanswered questions than I do answers.

However, through all of this LIFE, I learned about Jesus. I learned about the realness of the Gospel. I learned about it’s value for the suffering and the hurting. It didn’t take my pain away and it doesn’t make my days easier, but it gave me hope for THIS not being it.

“We have this as a sure and steadfast anchor of the soul…” Hebrews 6:19

“For not we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known.” I Corinthians 13:12

“I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.” John 16:33

“The LORD is my chosen portion and my cup; you hold my lot.” Psalm 16:5

I write more about how Sunday School at my kitchen table taught me the Gospel that I thought that I already knew in my book Seeing a Faint Glimpse of Glory. My hope is that this book will be honest, forthright, loving and full of Jesus. My desire is for those who are walking through suffering and grief will see the hope and comfort that Jesus gives to all of us.

You can pre-order a copy of the book from my Kickstarter and get it before it hits Amazon!

The Big News!

I announced on social media before Christmas that I had been picked up by Lucid Books to share our story in the form of a book. I am really excited about the opportunity, but the fact is is that there are several of our stories that are really hard to write. I’ve wondered if I need some dark rooms, a computer and wine in order to make it through the emotional effort that it takes to write about The Accident and Eli’s passing. But on the other hand, just that people want to read it and see the Jesus’ glory is an honor to sit and write and share.

Because Lucid is an in between of self and traditional publishing, we both have an investment in the book and because of that I need to raise some funds in order to cover my portion of the publishing. With that said, I started a Kickstarter and it went live yesterday! You can pre-order a book. You can pre-order a book with a really wonderful hand crafted bracelet created by my friend at DoBee Designs You can also pre-order the book, with the bracelet and get mentioned in the acknowledgements if you want. You can pre-order the book for you and a friend, get the bracelet and a hand-stamped bookmark and hang out with me on Skype for an hour, or I can come to your church for some speaking engagements and bring some books with me. There are a lot of great options and I would love to share our story that is full of pain, but fuller of God’s grace and mercy.

I am excited for this! This has been a long time coming and I’m expectant of how this will all be used.

Here is my Kickstarter video. Take a peak.

Click here to become a backer!

When Kids Learn the Hardest Things

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After The Accident, I was sitting in a Bible Study and a mom made a comment about how she felt it was time to talk to her child about hard social topics like, abortion, homosexuality, racism etc. I get it. Those things are tough things to bring up, when we have been trying to filter what our kids see and hear at a younger age. It makes sense to me, but when I heard it, I also felt anger and sadness in my heart, because I wished that it was that easy. The hard topics were social issues. My conversations with my kids was about death. Why did my brother die so soon? Why did this happen? I’m struggling with fear? I want to talk to you, but I don’t want to make you sad? Why is this hard? Will this hurt go away? These are questions I don’t have answers too. I can’t put a band-aid on their wound and kiss their boo boo and it’ll go away and they can run away happy. Grief like this doesn’t work that way.

So what do I say to my kids? I don’t know. There’s no manual for this stuff, and the manuals that I have seen have about 12 steps. I don’t do steps.

There have been times that I have totally missed a sign that my kid was feeling sad, because I was consumed with being busy to keep my mind off stuff. There have been a lot of times, where I have had to sit with my kid and just feel with them for however long it took.

Two of my kids won’t talk about Boston with other people. They won’t be that vulnerable and we’ve had to learn how they were going to respond to things. Our daughter, last year was in a literature class and they were reading Dangerous Journey an adaptation of Pilgrim’s Progress  by John Bunyan. During their discussion questions, one week was to describe something that they were afraid of and how they have overcome their fears. The teacher used an example of a being afraid of spiders and what she has done to try to not be afraid of spiders. My daughter looked at the question, and said, “Nope. I’m not doing that one. See ya!” Literally, left the room to go do something else. I ended up emailing the teacher and telling her our story, which I was trying to avoid last year, and telling her that for our kids this is tough question. My kids are afraid of someone else in their family being taken away. It is a constant fear that all of us struggle with. Our worst nightmare has happened. A reality for us is that it can happen again.

This year my son was reading Pilgrim’s Progress and his discussion question was if a Christian should fear death. He responded the same way. “I’m not doing this.” None of us fear death. In fact, I think that there have been more times, where we have yearned for it, simply because we would be Home. We would be free from our emotional pain. He would wipe away our tears. (Revelation 21:4) (I don’t want to sound morbid, but there are days life is really hard and emotionally exhausting.) Our son didn’t want to visit that he knew what death was first hand. The chances of a classmate losing a sibling is slim and he didn’t want to be vulnerable in his answer. He also didn’t want to read answers of classmates, simply because a lot of times circumstances affect our theology. Theology becomes deeper in life experiences. Theology can become rich when we are looking for answers through The Word, and that is what we have done.

We have searched. We have groaned. And no topic has been off limits.

Our oldest daughter, our most quiet, was in her room a couple of weeks ago and as I walked by she was crying on her bed. I went back and sat down on the bed with her and asked her what was wrong, she looked up at me and said, “I miss Boston.” We both cried together. We sat together. Hugged and cried. After a few minutes we got up and went about our business.

Their grief is going to come out in different ways. Moments during playing. Reading a book. Listening to someone talk. Doing homework. Playing a game together. Even if they are with friends, their friends may not know it, but they may have moments of grief that they brush away in order to enjoy themselves in a moment.

Honestly, it makes no sense. Any of it.

We got to the Psalms a lot. It seems to be the balm for all of us.

…call upon me in the day of trouble; I will deliver you, and you shall glorify me. (Psalm 50:15)

Teaching our kids to call upon the Lord. Whatever that looks like. That can even an angry outburst to him, or a cry for help or a yearn for an answer to why. We need to know that we have a God who listens and is near to us in the midst of our broken hearts.

When the righteous cry for help, the LORD hears and delivers them out of all their troubles. The LORD is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. (Psalm 34:17-18)

We don’t need to give them advice on how to grieve, but who to go to when we are hopeless. We’ve told our kids, “We’re in this together. None of us are doing well. We’ve got each other’s backs. We all need Jesus. We need to flee to Him in our moments of despair.” Which seem to be often. No matter how frequent, we can flee to our Perfect Comforter.

…who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. (I Corinthians 1:4)

Our hope, is that through THIS life, our family will walk in suffering well. Our kids too. That we, in turn, will love on others well in the midst of their pain, whatever it may be.

Behind the Verses

In September 2016, a friend sent a package in the mail. She had been sending random gifts throughout the year after The Accident. She is an excellent gift giver. I, on the other hand, feel successful if I can click send on Amazon. She sends packages of thought and meaning and thinks of each person in the family. It has been a true blessing to our family.

This particular package had several things in it, and there was a small bag filled with postcards one for each day of the month in October. The note on front of the bag said that she had intended for a postcard to be in our mailbox for each day in October, but since we would be travelling, she sent all of them to make sure we had one for each day. Each postcard had a verse on it, and then at the bottom #Jesusisenough.

I kept the package in my drawer, and last October, I read the verses each day and held them close. Some of them I would cry when I read, because the Scripture is so rich for hurting hearts. I had come to love the Scripture between children number four and child number five when I was learning the Gospel. I would sit and read and let it wash over me. I still do. I would also sit and read and struggle with the tension good biblical theology. How suffering is for His glory? How we are guaranteed pain and tribulation, but He has overcome the world? I knew the day of The Accident, that Jesus had died for this, but I needed the reminder daily. I still do. I need it desperately.

In October, when October is hard, because it is October, a friend wrote verses on Boston, MA postcards that I hold dear and I reread them every morning of the month. Sometimes, many times, more than once.

After I read the verses last year, I thought, “I should start a group and share these verses with my friends who have lost kids too. It’s so encouraging.” But the more I thought about it, the more I thought that that wasn’t the right way to go about it. We are all suffering. We are all hurting in someway. And we all need Jesus. We all need Truth. So, I started a group of Facebook called Jesus is Enough for ladies to join. (It has nearly 1,000 members!)  In the group only scripture is posted. No encouraging words. No long sermons. No one’s opinions of politics, life or motherhood, just Scripture, because only Scripture is Truth, no matter how hard it is to hear or how difficult it is to believe on the hardest days.

This year, I decided to share those verses. I wrote a post about grieving in public a few months back and this is one of the reasons why I am sharing the verses with everyone this month. It is because Jesus has proven faithful to our family and He is faithful to all of us. I want people to remember that in their pain and suffering, but I also know that my words fall short. Only His last forever and have the power behind them.

My desire is for people to know Jesus and to know Him, to learn about Him, to struggle with theology, to love theology and through the struggle and learning, to learn that our Lord is faithful, true and good. God’s goodness is true and great in the hardest and darkest of times. He is enough, but we cannot claim His fullness without knowing theology and the Word. I challenge you to saturate yourself with it.