Sara Ellie MacKenzie's Blog, page 5

Chronically Writing: The Holidays

Ahh, the holidays. Everybody has an opinion on them. The idea is that it is the happiest time of the year. Everybody is with family, laughing and spending time together. Exchanging presents, good food and joyful company to be had!

The truth is, a lot of us are done with it. We want to scream!

We are away from family or have been exiled because of who we are and what boundaries we set. We are broken or just plain broke to participate in any holiday gift exchange. We hear everyone talking about their kids, their parents, their friends, and having to bite back the tears when they are showered with this love and you are not.

I've been there.

Many would tell me to stop complaining. My parents gave me a roof over my head, fed me and gave me clothes. They raised me right because I came out perfect and healthy. I should be grateful and smile and expect the same out of my child. After all, my parents did the best that they could and I did too.

I wish people would stop saying that.

Yes, it is true. My parents did the best they could with the tools that they had. But they also chose to repeat the patterns their parents had set and pretended to hide behind the mask of a perfect family. They were not nice. And if saying this bothers you and you still think I should be bowing to them, maybe you should know a little more about the holidays we had.

First, my father's birthday was in December. When he was growing up, he would not get presents for his birthday and get "combined gifts" for Christmas, or he would get a ton of gifts for his birthday and nothing for Christmas. He expressed openly all year, every year, that he deserved birthday AND Christmas gifts, which, of course, he did. We made sure of it. But his obsessiveness about it made us on edge. We had to express loudly which gift was which and made him special on both days.

Almost a week before that, it was my parents' wedding anniversary. Like anything she wanted to celebrate, my mother wanted us to pay sole attention to her, not my father, and to do things for her - make sure her whims were fulfilled, cleaning for her, anything she asked. My father had gone to culinary school, so he was always at the stove. And as good children, we obeyed and made it about her.

Since joining my husband's family years before we married, we have celebrated my father-in-law's birthday...which was the day after my father's. He too experienced the same kind of trauma my father did. He also kept everyone on their toes, claiming one day or another was HIS birthday when it clearly wasn't. Since my hubby informed me before I met him when his dad's birthday is, I was prepared to play his games.

The holidays were so focused on the needs of others that we did not see our own.

Add autistic son and you've got a tightrope act.

We were dragging Calvin everywhere, to two to four houses every holiday, with over three hours of driving. While Calvin enjoyed seeing people, he was overstimulated. And for an autistic child, that is difficult. Everybody did not understand that, and often commented about how we did not discipline enough. One Thanksgiving, an elderly relation hit my son with her cane and shoved him out of the room, telling him to be quiet. All he was doing was waving his hands and making happy noises at the table. Calvin was five years old.

In these cases, nobody sided with us. It was always our fault and we had to listen. It never made sense.

Then, we were given the opportunity to host the holidays. We bought a house that year, we had the energy and capability to host, etc., so we prepped...only to find out that nobody wanted us to host. Everybody came, and it was wonderful, and in the end, all they did was complain.

Not thank anybody for preparing the food, or how lovely it was to see x, y and z again. It was the negative comments that were the loudest and they came out the most. We lived too far away, the food was too sugary, the couch cushion sank and was not comfortable...anything and everything. None of it made sense to me. My neurodivergent mind is going: everyone was smiling and laughing, so it should have been good. The trauma in me cried: would they lie to keep up the pretense?

The next couple of years, the crowds disappeared more and more. By the time COVID came, everybody was "busy" with their lives, making the same excuses they did the first time. There were the exceptions - caretakers. The few elderly remaining in my family are being cared for by those of my parents' generation, and I feel for them. The holidays are tough with them because of their limitations.

I did not talk about this part much.

In the summer of 2021, after three years of endless funerals, I broke. I had a mental breakdown and could not work. My anxiety and depression increased, and I was trying to find ways to keep it inside. I was not supposed to do things like that!

At the same time this was happening, the symptoms of my chronic illnesses intensified and knocked me down.

I was alone. While my mother worked the same company I did, she did not have any interest in taking time off. My in-laws had their own problems. People I knew ghosted me after the diagnosis, and others left for another state/career, have their own problems, are caretakers, etc. My father was the last person who was there to catch us when we fell.

But after his death, I learned what it meant to have a village.

This year especially, I've felt a sense of calm because of the feeling that we are a true family. This isn't some imposter, I am not an observer. Brian, Calvin and I are a family, and we opened it up to two cats and a dog. We don't need anybody's approval or presence to make this any less a holidays. We set our own time, we have our limits, and we had nobody on our backs. It was perfect!

It never meant that the sadness went away. We realized that the peace we wanted was not the chaos and shaming that our families brought to the table. It was the idea that they too would find their way and act like an actual family. The imagination and reality often do not match sadly.

But there was that friend that lent us money to cover our bills that one month.

And the one who took my call at 2 AM when I was anxious and she was driving home with her son.

Or the cousin in another state that info dumps (as much as I do) and is trying to heal in her own way.

The aunt and uncle caring for my grandmother, even if they do not understand what I'm saying.

The sister from another mister, who would randomly send me memes and tell me it's ok to be autistic.

I know that there are many that I missed (or think they are part of it, to be honest). But all of us have different stories and lives, but the one thing that binds us together is empathy. We are products of a system that went horribly wrong, and taught that this time of the year is especially the time to take the abuse.

No. More.

Our illnesses strike unexpectedly, even the mental ones. We've already been judged for so long and had already been told how people felt about us when they skipped our son's birthday party. This was why we took our the good dishes our and just enjoyed ourselves. Even the fur babies got a part of the meal.

And after years of trauma, we had the happiest holiday I could remember. No resentment, no fighting, no outside relations at the door. What more can I ask for?

Namaste, everyone! Have a great holiday weekend!

#ChronicIllness #MentalHealth #Holidays #NotTheHappiestTimeOfTheYear #Exiled #JingleBells #LetItSnow

Stay Strong, Everyone

It's tough to say that, I know.

I've been devastated by last week's election, as many of you probably know. I do not normally speak of politics and such and welcome everyone with open arms. This time, I am utterly appalled to see the hatred everywhere, online and out in public.

I could not watch the news after the win...I still cannot sometimes...and plunged myself into work, despite being sick. Of course, my husband is on my side. He and I have been researching the bits and pieces we hear and gasping at the audacity of some people. It's no longer funny.

"Your body, my choice"?

That one pissed me off, more than anything else. Having it repeated across the country, especially in schools, does not surprise me, but it is disappointing that kids still have not changed. I went to Catholic school, remember. Those kids are nastier than any prep school or public school student.

I kept returning to this one quote. Oddly enough, it is from a Nazi German General, Henning von Tresckow. My introduction to him was through a movie called Valkyrie. Yes, the same one with Tom Cruise (who actually did great for once, in my opinion). It wasn't just that these people (historically speaking) tried to save Germany. They fought against the evil in which they fought under in the first place.

It is the same here.

We have a voice. It's time to use it in any way possible. The time is now.

Your feelings are valid. Do not give up, though. This is only the beginning. Brush off that dirt and walk with us when you are ready.

If you have seen Valkyrie, rewatch the ending here. Remind yourself that we need to put our principles above everything else. We must consider our country over any party. We are Americans. It's time to take the ideas of our Founding Fathers and put them into action...for everyone, however they need it.

Namaste, everyone! Have a wonderful day!

#TakeItBack #American #Election #FreedomOfChoice #NoMore #MyBodyMyChoice #Morals

#Thankful

It's Season 3 of #Thankful everyone!

Today and until Thanksgiving, I am going to post videos about what I am thankful for.

I began this 2 years ago. I used to be in a group chat with other women and I was impressed with their humbleness and kindness. It made me reflect what's important in my life and what it would be without certain people, places, things and ideas.

It's also a way for me to be more in the camera. I hate doing selfies and videos of myself, to be honest. It gives me good practice. I mean, I talk really fast. Sometimes, you cannot understand me because I mesh 1 word into another.

What are you thankful for? Let me know in the comments!

Namaste!

#Thanksgiving #HolidaySeason #WhatAreYouThankfulFor #LastMonthsOfTheYear #AlmostChristmas

Break Time!

Yeah, it's that time of the year.

It's the holiday season!

The last months of this year will be busy for us. Next month, I will begin the #Thankful series. After Calvin goes back to school after the New Year, I will restart #BehindTheScenes and #TriviaTuesday for the second part of the season. In between, I hope to deck the halls with information...and some begging, of course.

Whatever you all do, stay safe and don't be stupid.

Namaste!

#HolidaySeason #HolodayShopping #ShopTilYouDrop #IndieAuthor #NewBritain #Family

#BehindTheScenes 48 - Being Neurodivergent

Yeah, I knew that I had to explore this somehow. Neurodivergence is a growing field, and there is so much to the diagnoses that I've received. It affects my writing in some ways too. Let me explain a little bit.

I am not going through the trauma and the genetics behind autism. In my family, nobody really paid much attention until Calvin was born. He was late with some of his developments, although he was an intelligent child. After a run-in with an abusive babysitter and switching things over, Calvin was different. Another story for another day.

It was difficult to get a diagnosis, but once we did, life was easier for Calvin. After that, Brian and I were on the lookout for info of any kind. Parenting advice. Other special needs parents. It was an extremely long and lonely pathway, and it still is. But a couple of years ago, something caught my attention.

AUTISM IS GENETIC.

It stopped me. Slapped me in the face. Got my fingers to type in a new search item: adults with autism.

Everything came back to me all at once and life began to slowly make sense.

I am the one with autism, and I am high functioning!!

I mean, I was never good in social situations. Some of my report cards in K-8 talk about me being mean to fellow classmates (usually provoked behavior, and nobody saw the instigation). I hardly had friends. I was mostly silent when family came over or I had to talk on the phone, or acted weirdly or childishly. Even from an early age, I knew something was wrong.

And then I remember something my father said. My mother used to wave her hands like my son does. When he commented on how cute it was, she never did it again. She was utterly mortified and ashamed of the behavior.

I am lucky that I have a therapist who understood me and trusted me. Earlier this year, she sent a referral after she listened to my reasoning for wanting the test. Then, I was checked out by a behavior specialist and I received the results a few weeks ago. Because nobody could verify info from before the age of fourteen, I was just Neurodivergent, which was a relief. Next, it's how to cope and going back to the quirky person that I am.

My soul is young, and there is so much more to learn.

Namaste!

#Autism #Neurodivergent #NeverGiveUp #AdultWithAutism #AutisticMom #SpecialNeeds

And Now, Another Piece...

Of the book cover!

Early July, I released the first piece of the cover for From Across the Sea. Yes, it has a tan-colored cover with a picture at the top, much like its predecessors. The new picture might give you a hint as to where the story might be heading towards...

I think we can all agree that it looks like the shoreline.

The rest of the cover will be released on New Years' Eve, 6:30 PM EST. Keep an eye out for any updates and spoilers. In the meantime, enjoy this spooky season. I am excited about heading out with my family.

Namaste, everyone! Have a great night!

#BookCover #Reveal #FifthVolume #BookSeries #Fantasy #ActionAdventure

#FindOutFriday Answers 25

Hey, everyone, and welcome back to #FindOutFriday! Here are the answers. Which ones did you get right? Comment below!

Comete - On the map of southern Enos, which you can see in Revolution, there is a land called Comete. For World War II enthusiasts, it's the line in France and Belgium that helped soldiers and airmen escape to friendly lines. Actually called the Comet Line, it was headed by Andree de Jongh (1916-2007) and mostly ran by women. Captured helpers were often sent to concentration camps.

Henry VIII of England - Oh, the myths and legends of this King of England! King Gerald II of Klenard was like him in more than the wife department. Like Old King Hal, King Gerald liked to wage war. The several times Henry VIII set off to France was ridiculous. While not as warlike as his fictional counterpart, Henry loved the old stories of chivalry and good knights.

Hawkeye Pierce - Yes, I love MASH (the movie and the series) and adore Hawkeye Pierce, alcoholic as the character was. I based the character of Eric Bearback in Revolution after this zany clown (more the series than the movie). A heavy drinker and womanizer, unmarried and in love with the finer things in life, Eric loved to control his small domain...and instigate when he sees opportunity.

That's it until after the holidays, everyone. Namaste, have a great day!

#InRealLife #History #WarMongul #Fiction #Sitcom #IndieAuthor #Trivia

Chronically Writing: The Lonely Days

Ahh, those lonely days. The lonely days. When you need to do something and really need the help, but then realize that you have nobody to turn to. Or, there are the days when you want to go out and be with people and nobody makes the time or wants to make the time, or you have to deal with chronic pain and nothing is working. I am not talking caretakers, students or parents either.

While many would see this as my fault, being neurodivergence does not help matters. I was also raised in a chaotic household. There were hardly any good role models, just ideas that hardly stood in real life. Most of all, I was taught to help others and to never think of myself...because I was fat, a child, whatever excuse someone said.

As the years passed, I began realizing that people wanted me to do things for them. They never replicated the same love and care I gave to others and I never understood why. If I did not follow a certain narrative, it was my fault and I was the enemy. Sometimes, my trauma was used against me. I got tired of it, so I set boundaries, which many did not like. It was worse when I was diagnosed with several chronic illnesses that limited my life. Then, the name calling began.

It's not like I cannot get around or that I am lazy. Every morning, I am out of bed without complaint and getting things done. My own hygiene, taking the dog out, helping people prep for the day. Everything has to be done, whether or not my body lets me. Whether or not I can stand. I have no choice.

And here is another point: communication is a two-way street and I could reach out too. But that was what I did before I got really sick. I also learned that it was a trauma response and stopped, sure that people ran in the opposite direction and got tired of me.

When I stopped talking to people, the house of cards fell. One by one, everyone disappeared. They have their lives, of course, and they had no time to stop in to visit. There are dozens of ways I could get on with my life, and I learned it myself. To be alone, to just be me.

No resentment. No anger. It had nothing to do with me. In chronic illness, you can wallow or you can walk. I chose the latter.

It does not mean the pity parties are not there. The days where I do wallow and wonder what I did wrong to deserve such loneliness. I wish somebody took time for me. Sat for some face-to-face coffee chat. Was a friend and actually asked me what was wrong without judging me. Helped out with Calvin, or tried to form a good relationship with him. My teen has already lost so much.

But this quiet has brought me so much more. Peace is better than false faces. I did not have to wait for the other shoe to drop. There was nobody I had to please. The world was open for me to do whatever I wanted to do.

So, I continued to write.

Even on my worst days, I know there is love all around me. It is in those who live far away, but listen to me bitch or just talk nonsense at 2 AM. There are the homeless people who have light in their eyes and arms full of hugs when I visit. There is also my community, who understands the struggles. And if you believe it, there is an afterlife, and our loved ones will be on the other side.

For my neurodivergent followers, a meme. I will have more later in the series.

Namaste, everyone. Have a great week!

#ChronicIllness #WetSand #LonelyDay #Neurodivergent #Friendship #Boundaries

#BehindTheScenes 47 - Furry Family

It's weird to believe that it's October and autumn! This is the season that the animals here love. The cats watch the scenery from the window and Tips loves jumping in and out of leaf piles. It's getting cooler, so they are also huddling near the heaters and blankets.

My husband, Brian, and I treat these three furry creatures as part of our family. We grew up with animals, both cats and dogs. Brian had a snake when he was in the Air Force. My parents had a cat and two dogs when I was born. Over the years, the amount has increased and decreased in size.

This is ours.

When I left my parents' house in early 2012, I took my cat, Tabitha, with us to Maine. She was the first pet we had living together. She was old when we moved, and she died six months after we settled in our new home. Brian had no pets when we started living together because he had been homeless.

Some weeks later, Brian's brother (from another mother) said his cat had kittens. When she was weaned, we went over and allowed Calvin to sit with the kittens. Only one came to him - a calico, who we named Myra. Her life was short. She passed before Christmas the year we moved into our current home. Another cat living here found her.

The cats we have now were abandoned by their previous owners. We allowed people we thought were friends to

come live with us. We thought they were in trouble. When we found out they lied, they were told to leave. They did not take much with them past 2/4 cats they brought with them. This is how we got Rory (fat orange tabby) and Skaara (skinny calico asshole). Rory is my son's cat and Skaara is...well, not really into people unless he comes to you and rubs.

Earlier this year, I had an itch, something my husband mentioned he wanted: a dog. We could not afford the prices of a shelter and found several free pet groups online. Mostly, there were pit bulls and small mobile footballs. I found Drako and immediately fell in love. I did not care if he was a pit bull/bulldog mix. He was a cuddly baby and he was mine.

Drako had a problem, though: too much walking made him tired. No matter how much water I gave him, it was never enough. Vet mentioning keeping him out of the humidity and keeping him cool. All of us thought it was an overheating issue...not cancer. The previous holders did not tell us about the cancerous lump on his leg.

Calvin and I were walking him to Price Rite. We wanted to get some snacks. Drako was getting tired every few feet. We had to stop and let him rest or, I sometimes picked him up. By the time we reached the shade of the store, Drako was shaking and weak. I thought it was the normal problems...

We could not go without a dog now. Calvin had gotten so used to that routine and was freaking out enough that I checked the Facebook groups again for another furry friend. Lo and behold, we found another pit bull: Tips. We brought him home 2 days after Drako died.

For me, it was a bad choice. I felt immense guilt and pain about this decision. It was too soon for me. I had been crying nonstop on and off. Sometimes, when I disciplined Tips, I thought it was too rough - the yelling, the tears and the frustration bubbling underneath.

It's been over 2 months since that time. I have gotten better with my anger and grief. Tips is a part of this family, as much as Skaara and Rory are. We will always be open to more.

And that is all we need.

Namaste!

#PetLover #DogMom #CatMom #GoneNeverForgotten #HereAndNow #FurryChildren

#FindOutFriday Answers 24

Yes, it's that time again - Friday and answers to the trivia. How many did you get right? Comment below!

Anne Boleyn - I make many references to this infamous Tudor Queen in many ways. However, one of them stems from Casting Shadows. In it, Nora talks about the fate of her mother, Vera Lynn. She was beheaded in the woods by sword. While Anne Boleyn was executed at the Tower of London, the accusations are the same - incest, adultery and treason against the King.

Valek - This is a tough one actually, unless you have read Maria Snyder. Valek is the name of a character in her books on Ixia (and beyond). I am not spoiling much, but the character was a master spy. He was my inspiration for Jerry the spy in Casting Shadows and The Circle is Broken. The idea of having such a strong man on Nora's side was too tempting. Jerry's role was much different than Maria Snyder's character, though. He most certainly was not Nora's lover either.

Prince Charles, now King Charles III - To be honest, His Majesty was the inspiration behind the character of James Howe in Through the Meadow. It was not for his cruelty, though. I took the historical love triangle between him, Queen Camilla and the late Princess Diana and used it as some of the tension between James, Constance and Miranda. While the current monarch did not have children with his wife, the character dared to reach that far...and pass them off as another man's children.

That's it, everyone! Namaste, and have a great weekend!

#History #CurrentEvents #InMyLifetime #FictionBasedOnFiction #Fantasy #ActionAdventure #IndieAuthor