Joshua Todd James's Blog, page 3
May 17, 2024
CONVERSATIONS WITH VAN DAMME - Part 5
Another CONVERSATION WITH VAN DAMME
(For the reader, I wrote a movie that JCVD starred in called POUND OF FLESH. I’ve also written a few other projects for him that have yet to be made, so I’ve got a ton of voicemail and video messages from him, in addition to occasional phone calls out of the blue. It’s a surreal experience to have a guy you once had posters of decorating your college dorm room call you. But that’s the biz. JC is a unique, eccentric man. Conversations with him cannot truly be described, only experienced. What follows may have or have not happened, per se, but it is true to the spirit of JCVD interactions. Consider this fiction with a dose of the real, and you can decide for yourself which is which. Myself, I ain’t saying except where specifically noted.)
Video voicemail from JCVD:
JCVD: So, back to the story1, Joshua, our guy, the guy I tell you about, the man with no face. He has no face. Where his face was, there is nothing. Two holes for eyes, yes, two holes for the smelling, one slit for mouth, yes, but everything else, is gone.
Just scars, Joshua, like I told you before2. A big lump of the scar, what is that called? Like for to blow the nose? (turns to someone off-camera)
My love, what do we use for to blow the nose? Tissue? Yes, that’s it. (back to camera)
Our guy, he has nothing but the scar tissue for the face. They call him No-Face Man, and he almost never talk. This is my character, Joshua. No-Face Man.
I am No-Face Man.
And I am in the jail, for murder they say, but really what happen, this bad man was blackmailing my mama, she had a toy store, you see, sell the toys to little children, and this bad man, he make mama pay him for protection, and I catch him breaking up the store, hurting my mama, who die from her bad heart during this, and we fight… and I kill him, go to jail. Yes? But this bad man, he was head of crime family, very big-shot, and though they wanted to kill me, the man’s son, the bad man’s SON, we need a good name for this character, because I want to get Charlie3 for this, Charlie is a very good actor.
What should we call Charlie? (off-camera) My love, what’s a good bad guy name? Something like the name of that guy from that one movie, remember? The bad guy you like, remember? Yes, like that, but can’t be too much like that, needs to be like that but original. (back to camera).
So Charlie, he don’t kill me, he could, but he say that is too good for me, so instead, he has his thugs pour the acid on my face, to take my face. Before I go to jail, they burn my face off. I go in as No-Face.
They leave me alone in there, because of this face, like a monster, I mop the floors, I clean, no one bother me, and I bother no one. For years. Then, one day, I see on the television, Charlie, open a casino where my mama’s toy store was!
I got it! I know what Charlie’s bad guy name is. We call him Good-bye! Good-bye Charlie, they call him that because his face is last they see before Good-bye!
You like that, Joshua? Good-bye Charlie.
Okay, so there is doctor, woman doctor, she work the prison, very attractive, she feel sorry for me with the no face, and she reach out to some experimental plastic surgeon and get them to fix my face. She falling in love with me, but she don’t know it yet.
When I am in hospital getting my new face, Good-bye Charlie send his goons to kill me, he just find out I am getting a new face. So I am in bandages, face all wrapped up, when his goons come in to murder me. I fight them off and save the doctor, who I think should be Scarlett Johnson4, you know Scarlett Johnson?
So I save Scarlett, we escape the goons and go on the run, she take me to her father’s farmhouse, remove the bandages on my face, she see this (points at face) and she fall in the love with me for real now. We make love, have to have love scene, my fans, they ask for it. Shot very well, classy.
I leave her there, to go find out about where Charlie is, do some detective work, now I look different than I do from beginning of the movie, understand? So no one, they recognize me, no one. I am like new man. I can go to casino, no one knows me.
That night, I find out is grand opening of Charlie’s casino, the mayor, other big shots, all of them will be there.
But while I do that, Charlie send goons to Scarlett’s farmhouse, they take her, kidnap her and I get back too late to stop them. They took her.
So end of the movie is, I go to casino and rescue Scarlett, kill all the bad guys, and before I kill Good-bye Charlie, I tell him… Good-bye. Boom! Kill him.
I think I should kick him in the face and he fall from casino tower.
That’s the movie.
I talk to you more after you do treatment.5
JC hangs up, video ends.6
Thanks for reading Hard Rolls! Subscribe for free to receive new posts and support my work.
For more CONVERSATIONS WITH VAN DAMME, click HERE
1No recollection of him ever telling me THIS story.
2See above.
3He probably means Charlie Sheen. They’re friends. It’s true. I sat behind Charlie at the premiere of POUND OF FLESH. When you see them, you’re like, of course they’re friends!
4Means Scarlett Johannsen. I think.
5We never spoke of this idea ever again.
6Full disclosure: I made this specific story up myself. As I cannot share JC’s real stories, I created this in the spirit of his stories, which all have this particular flavor.
May 15, 2024
DOMO ARIGATO, MISTER ROBOTO IS NOW LIVE!
It’s official: DOMO ARIGATO, MISTER ROBOTO has been released!
Link here: DOMO ARIGATO, MISTER ROBOTO
Let me know what you think and thank you, friends and neighbors!
May 10, 2024
DOMO ARIGATO, MISTER ROBOTO now available for pre-order!
Volume 6 is now available for preorder!
Synthetic Companion Jacob Kind’s last memory was of crashing a truck on a dark night road with a bullet in his shoulder. Rescued by a retired doctor and his wife and brought to their farm, he struggles with an addiction to opiates that has crippled him. As he undergoes a hellish detox, Jacob knows his very presence puts his rescuers, pro-synthetic advocates, in real danger. A very bad man, Munson Tolliver, is coming for him.
But Larkin Finn, the man Jacob’s adopted mother sent him to find, is also somewhere in the area, and he must find the man before Tolliver finds them both.
Will Jacob, in his diminished capacity, be able to protect his new-found friends?
Will he live up to his promise to serve and protect humanity?
Order here: DOMO-ARIGATO, MISTER ROBOTO
The paperback will also come out on the same day, May 15th. However, as of yet, it’s not possible to pre-order it, but keep thy eyes peeled.
It took me a bit to get to the end book due to a movie I wrote (due out this September) and other work, but the series I began during the pandemic is now coming to a close (for now.) Check out all the titles here: series.
I have so many folks to thank that I don't know where to begin, but the names are listed in the acknowledgments. In the meantime, check out some cool DOMO ARIGATO, MISTER ROBOTO artwork.
Please leave a review and tell all your friends. I thank you.
Thanks for reading Hard Rolls! Subscribe for free to receive new posts and support my work.
April 29, 2024
ENTER THE BLOODY KNUCKLES
“YOU ARE NOT FUCKING CATTLE!” The sensei screamed. “START AGAIN!”
No one dares to groan or object. We’re lined up facing a matted wall in an all-purpose gymnasium, and we’re punching said wall. We go down the line, count, then punch. WHAP! Together, as a unit. Each of us counts to ten. There are fifteen of us.
If someone counts and punches AT THE SAME TIME, then the rhythm of the punching is off, and we are instructed (screamed at) to start again from the beginning of the line. And someone near the end of the line keeps fucking up the count.
I’m not sure who it is, but I suspect it’s the guy in the fancy Tae Kwon Do pants.
We’ve already punched the wall hundreds of times. My knuckles are bleeding. I was eleven years old, and my brother nine. We’re the only adolescents in the class.
The senseis treat us the exact same as the adults.
“YOU ARE NOT FUCKING ANIMALS. USE YOUR MIND AND BODY!”
This was what one got when one signed up for Shorin-ryu karate.
There are many branches to the Shorin-Ryu karate tree, with differing takes and approaches, but this was the closest karate class we could find at this time in Iowa.
We drove thirty miles one way two or three times a week to train like this. Our father had signed us all up. He was thirty-six or thirty-seven. We would train there for two and a half years or so until the senseis moved away.
It was my first direct exposure to martial arts.
It was brutal training. Hundreds of knuckle pushups on a hard concrete floor. Hundreds of situps. We ran hundreds of laps around the gym.
This style believed in being top physical condition. In toughness.
As an example, we often did arm-toughening exercises, taking turns with everyone else in class. The drill was basically slamming your forearm against someone else’s forearm, again and again. Bruising and toughening them.
Probably… not the BEST martial arts study for two skinny adolescent boys in hindsight, in terms of brutality, but we loved it.
Karate comes from Okinawa, an island off of Japan. It is both Japanese and, well, its own culture and place. Karate means “empty hand,” and it comes from China. As a matter of fact, some claim that karate means “Chinese hand,” but I’ll let the readers decide for themselves. It was imported from China, but it evolved into something far different from Chinese gong fu.
It was a very linear, no-nonsense style, no round kicks, no hook punches, everything was a straight line to the target. The philosophy was to land one blow that ended it. Very little in the way of combinations, like in current boxing or kickboxing.
Someone strikes us, we block, take them out. The end.
A rough, simplistic and disciplined style that was meant to be hard. For the first year, we weren’t even white belts. We weren’t allowed to wear gis, the uniform, we had to train in sweats. We had to “earn” our white belts, which we eventually did. I still have the card with my rank upon it somewhere. It was a proud day.
Class began with warmups, which meant running, pushups and situps, then punching in a horse stance, kicking from a front stance, again and again.
Then more pushups, wall punching that had to be synchronized, more conditioning. After that, we practiced kata, choreographed forms. Then, more conditioning.
We never sparred, not at that level, I think one had to be a black belt.
In spite of that, we often got punched or kicked. When I say often, I mean very nearly every class. When we practiced blocking, for example, if we didn’t execute the block correctly, we were hit. It was considered the only way to learn true effectiveness.
I would use some of what I learned in one or two scraps later on in life. Keeping one’s wits about you after being stuck is a key thing to learn. Getting punched can cause shock and, even if the blow wasn’t harmful, can cause one to freeze up.
After getting hit so many times in class, I learned to take it and react as necessary. For me, that’s the key takeaway from the training of my youth.
There’s a video of a speech I gave in seventh grade somewhere (in a trunk of school junk, of course), for English class, and my knuckles are scabbed and swollen, which they seemed to always been then. And though I was on the eve of entering a particularly harsh period of life due to my then-neurodivergence, karate had already changed me in substantial ways.
I believe punching walls for hours gave me a mental toughness I hadn’t had before.
It ended after two years or so, I would move onto high school sports, but that first stint in karate most certainly influenced many of the choices I would make later.
Dad began that journey for us. He was a big fan of Chuck Norris, an OG fan, from Chuck’s first film, GOOD GUYS WEAR BLACK and onward. He loved him some serious Chuck Norris action (he particularly enjoyed A FORCE OF ONE) and the irony of it was, of course, the art form Chuck taught wasn’t even karate (he just called it karate, more on that later) but at that time and era there wasn’t a lot of information available to those who wanted to know.
Dad even built a makiwari post in the backyard that we spent a lot of time punching.
It stayed there until we sold the house many years later.
Looking back with wiser eyes, I can see the limitations of such a style, especially for two boys likely too young for that type of training. It was old school, but in hindsight, building up callouses on one’s knuckle to toughen them up is more likely to lead to arthritis as one ages than it is to be useful in a fight.
But the mental aspect, on the other (empty) hand, was always useful.
I am proud to have it as my first martial arts adventure.
And eleven year-old me will never forget the sensei screaming at us:
“YOU ARE NOT FUCKING CATTLE!”
My knuckles are no longer bloody, but I still carry those scars inside.
Thanks for reading Hard Rolls! Subscribe for free to receive new posts and support my work.
April 23, 2024
SOME ANIMALS - Free Giveaway
Hi folks, for the next two days, the ebook version of SOME ANIMALS is free!
Pick up the ebook here: SOME ANIMALS
And please tell your friends!
PRAISE FOR SOME ANIMALS
"SOME ANIMALS is a nonstop sci-fi thrill ride that will keep you reading far into the night. Joshua Todd James fills the page with cinematic action sequences and snappy dialogue, all anchored by a compelling protagonist who reflects so much of who we are today."—Mike Nguyen Le (screenwriter/producer, PATIENT Z, DARK SUMMER, W.M.D.)
"Doing noir as sci-fi is a real challenge, and this ambitious book pulls it off!"- David Gerrold, Hugo & Nebula award-winning author of THE MARTIAN CHILD, HELLA, THE MAN WHO FOLDED HIMSELF
"SOME ANIMALS blew my mind. Joshua is the master of moralistic pathos. It's a pathos steeped in a personal code of ethics in each of his characters. Joshua's brilliance is in setting these characters careening down a track fueled by their pathos, and the fun happens when characters with opposing drives collide in an action-packed train wreck of ethics, desires, and dreams. Do. Not. Miss. This. Book." - Ato Essandoh, actor (star of Netflix's ALTERED CARBON, AWAY, Amazon’s TALES FROM THE LOOP, HBO's VINYL, and many more)
"Joshua Todd James has created a compelling protagonist, a fascinating story universe, and a suspenseful mystery, all in one, in his new novel SOME ANIMALS. Think of it as sci-fi nitro in book form. Highly recommended!" - Scott Myers, screenwriter (K-9), author (THE PROTAGONIST'S JOURNEY), professor at DePaul University, and founder of GoIntoTheStory.com
"Joshua Todd James delivers a one-of-a-kind sci-fi thrill ride. The depth of its characters and its world is remarkable, especially given how quickly it reads." - Nathan Graham Davis, author of MALICE AND MISTLETOE
"I started reading SOME ANIMALS at 7 AM and didn't stop until I was finished. Joshua Todd James has created a vibrant, fiery futuristic world that we instantly believe in, and characters that hook us deep for this truly wild ride. But this is much more than a cracking good 'Who done it?' It's a story that breaks both boundaries and stereotypes all along the way. Start reading. You won't put it down." - Naomi Wallace, playwright, screenwriter, and MacArthur Fellow (aka the Genius Grant).
"I love sci-fi, and I love hardboiled detective stories. This is both, but it's even more. Sci-fi has always been the best place to take on real-world issues, and Joshua Todd James takes on a lot of those in SOME ANIMALS. In this book, he serves up a strong cocktail, shaken from Chandler and Asimov, leaving me with the impression that someone just punched me in the face with a new cut of BLADE RUNNER." - Yuri Lowenthal, actor MARVEL'S SPIDER-MAN, NARUTO, BEN 10, RAVE MASTER, LEGION OF SUPERHEROES
"Joshua Todd James is a beautiful writer whose compelling, intelligent, and evocative sci-fi brings to mind the work of Isaac Asimov and Andy Weir. SOME ANIMALS weaves a propulsive plot that keeps you turning the pages with the themes that make for our finest speculative fiction—among them, what it means to be human. This exciting story is not one to be missed!" - Martin Aguilera, author and screenwriter, Netflix's THE CRAVING.
"SOME ANIMALS is an intriguing exploration of a future that is moving, tense and which reflects back, heartbreakingly so, on our present-day society." - Dwayne Alexander Smith, bestselling author of FORTY ACRES and THE UNKIND HOURS.
"SOME ANIMALS is a sci-fi novella that had me smiling throughout. It's fun. It's smart. It's thought-provoking, and most of all, it's entertaining as all get out!"~Bill Rodemeyer, co-author of the novels Juvenile X, Suckerfish City, and Twilight Pulp-Short Reads for Twisted Minds
"The Fugitive meets Blade Runner, SOME ANIMALS is a fast-paced near-future Science Fiction thriller about an android "companion" accused of his human's murder and goes on the run, and it really delivers." - William C. Martell, screenwriter (19 produced films thus far, and still counting) and author of the hugely popular Blue Book series on screenwriting.
Thanks for reading Hard Rolls! Subscribe for free to receive new posts and support my work.
April 13, 2024
Hey, I Also Write Books!
Hi folks!
Just a quick housekeeping note: In addition to screenplays and poetry, I write novels. I have five running around in the wilderness and a sixth on the way next month.
I have to remind myself to promote my novels, so this is an obligatory promotion post!
A quick trailer:
Let’s go down the list, shall we?
Jacob Kind is your friend. He is your helper. Jacob is a synthetic Companion, created specifically to be whatever his Primary, his owner, wishes him to be. He isn't allowed to harm humans and, in fact, is devoted to humanity and art.
Right up until Jacob interrupts a masked man murdering his adoring owner Sylvia in their home, and is blamed for the vicious crime. The police believe he's the culprit. Companion company executives want him returned for reprogramming to prevent a PR nightmare, but Jacob only wishes to bring Sylvia's killer to justice. Which he is going to have to do on his own.
So now Jacob is on the run.
After her killer and toward justice, with but one guiding light his mother left for him.
Serve and protect humanity, at all costs.
The novel is available here: SOME ANIMALS
Synthetic Companion Jacob Kind is on the run from the police and searching for Munson Tolliver, the man who murdered his adopted mother, Sylvia. Tolliver was an infamous serial killer who fascinated the nation... and who was supposed to be dead at the time of Sylvia's death. Clearly, he is not dead. Nor does anyone believe Jacob that Tolliver is still alive.
As a result, Jacob heads to the site of Munson's first public killing to search for clues in Tolliver's past that will help Jacob locate him.
Jacob also has to learn how to pass as human, which gives him a unique insight into humanity, especially once Jacob finds himself embroiled in a very public, very violent protest against the use of synthetics, one that has pitted the city against itself.
Against his will, Jacob is drawn to a pair of women, Claire, an advocate for synthetic rights, and Companion-hating Candis, a desperate woman working the streets to provide for her young daughter, Bethany.
It leads to a brutal confrontation that threatens to change Jacob forever.
Find the book here: MINORITY OF ONE
Jacob Kind, a synthetic Companion on the run from the police and the corporation that created him, is determined to find the man who murdered his adopted mother, Sylvia. He finds himself in New York City on the search for a woman named Strawberry Fields. He falls in with a group of orphaned synthetics, like himself, who live underground and make their living entertaining tourists in Central Park.
They face uncertainty, however, as the city government preps to sweep up all undocumented synthetics in the city proper and make plans to escape the city and run to Canada, a safe haven for synthetic people such as them.
Jacob uncovers a lead that will bring him to the man Sylvia named as the key to freeing Companions, a certain Larkin Finn, but before he can act on that, the detective in pursuit of him, Abigail Moore, shows up.
As does serial killer Munson Tolliver.
Jacob finds himself faced with a choice... abandon his newfound family to pursue Munson or help them escape as the city of New York prepares to gather up all undocumented synthetics.
The choice he makes will ultimately define who and what he is.
Find the book here: FREEDOM RUN
While on the run from the authorities, Jacob Kind finds himself a prisoner on a farm that trains synthetic Companions such as himself to fight in a box for the entertainment of others, a new kind of rural gladiator.
Forced to kill his own kind in a hole in the ground, Jacob turns into a rebel leader of his fellow slaves and realizes his kind will never be free unless he can teach them to do what he somehow learned... how to fight back and use the violence against humans.
Find the book here: MAN IN A BOX
Jacob Kind, a synthetic person on the run for a murder he did not commit, finds himself mistaken for a professional assassin in a mining town. Needing the cash, he takes the money from the mining CEO and goes to warn the intended victim, a Native environmentalist named Raven Running Wolf, only to fall in love with her. Vowing to protect her, Jacob engages in a cat-and-mouse game as he plays both sides off of each other, the mining company and its gang of killers, and Raven's team of violent environmental terrorists.
Find the book here: RENEGADE
The next volume, DOMO-ARIGATO, MISTER ROBOTO, will be released next month! Stay tuned to this space!
If you’re new to the stack here, please check out my novels and let me know what you think of them. If you’ve read them, please do me the favor of leaving reviews for them.
Also, tips are greatly appreciated, too! Support your favorite writers, always!
March 18, 2024
LAST TOUCH
LAST TOUCH
as when dreams snap
when the dreamer awakes
and fire withers
into a kiss that's chaste
so do i
now
float
past the dream
and into the sun
but every so often
just for fun
i will pause
try
to
recollect
the memory
of the delicate touch
of the dream
that was
First published in the full-length play 2 VERY DANGEROUS PEOPLE SHARING 1 SMALL SPACE
Thanks for reading Hard Rolls! Subscribe for free to receive new posts and support my work.
March 12, 2024
The Beautiful One
CHARACTERS:
KENNY – Handsome man, in his early thirties but on his way downward, somewhat unshaven and sloppily dressed.
KANE – Tall man, same age as Kenny but much better dressed, although somewhat more conservatively.
FIVER – Short man, same age as the others but dressed even better and flashier.
SETTING: Private room off of a bar that is hosting a wake. Present time.
LIGHTS UP
(Kenny stands in silence with a drink in his hand. KANE, also with a drink in his hand, enters the room. KENNY nods to KANE with a smile of recognition. FIVER walks in right after KANE, also carrying a drink. KENNY nods to him also.)
KENNY: To the Beautiful One.
KANE: The Beautiful One.
FIVER: The Beautiful One.
(They tap their glasses together in a toast and then drink. Short pause as they look at each other, then they all grin. )
KENNY: You guys, you fuckin’ guys, I can’t believe, it’s been fuckin’ years, hasn’t it? Fuckin’ Forever.
(KENNY grabs them both in a big hug, which is returned.)
KANE: It’s been a few years, I saw you three years ago at Seymour’s wedding.
KENNY: Shit, that’s right, that’s fucking right, we got shit-faced that night, godddamn. In fact, you and Babe that night …
KANE: Yeah. We did.
KENNY: And FIVER! Fuckin’ Fiver back in the old hometown!
FIVER: Kenny, good to see you.
KENNY: I couldn’t believe it, when I saw you in the back row there, I said, fuckin’ FIVER! Shit my pants, it’s been too fucking long. How long’s it been?
FIVER: Been a while. Kane, it’s good seeing you, too.
KANE: How’s life been treating you, Fiver?
FIVER: Life’s been good. Except for the last few days, of course.
KANE: Yeah.
KENNY: Fuck yeah. Jesus, man, I’m still in fuckin’ shock when Kane called me and told me I dropped the fuckin’ phone, I swear to God. Fuck man. Fuck Fuck Fuck. She was fuckin’ … She was …
KANE: Special.
FIVER: Special.
KENNY: Special. Fuckin’ special. And that’s only the beginning. That’s only the START with describing her, she was one and only. Fucking special. You guys want a drink, I need another Goddamn drink. Fiver? Kane?
KANE: Sure.
FIVER: No thanks, I’m fine.
(KENNY exits the room.)
KANE: He’s gonna get on his ass drunk tonight.
FIVER: He’s on his ass drunk already.
KANE: He’s taking it hard.
FIVER: Yeah.
KANE: I don’t blame him. In fact, I might just lock myself away in the house this weekend, just me and a couple of bottles of good scotch. Get blind, stinking, puking drunk for Babe.
FIVER: I don’t drink anymore.
KANE: Yeah?
FIVER: Yeah. Stopped a couple years ago. This is orange juice.
KANE: Were you an …
FIVER: No, I just stopped boozing and started working out instead. No reason. Just had an impulse.
KANE: Uh-huh.
FIVER: But if ever there was a day to get on my ass drunk, this would be it. How’d you hear about it?
KANE: Her aunt. Her aunt, we knew each other. She called me. I called Kenny, few others. So. What you been up to Fiver?
FIVER: Lots of things. Yourself?
KANE: Not much. Well, I just made vice-president at the bank. I guess that’s a good thing. Not much else. Not much at all.
FIVER: Hey, congratulations. On the job thing. You married? Got the kids, house and two-car garage, that whole package?
KANE: Not married. Came close once, a couple years ago. Only time.
FIVER: I’m not either. Married, I mean. Divorced. Twice. No kids. Lot of alimony. What about Kenny?
KANE: He’s not married, as far as I know, unless he’s got a mail-order bride tucked away somewhere. I don’t know what he does either. For a living, I mean. I haven’t seen him since the wedding a while back.
FIVER: Seymour got married, huh?
KANE: Three years ago. Some girl from the city, her family owns a hardware store. I saw Kenny at the reception, he was piss-drunk then too. We had to take him home.
FIVER: You were there with …
KANE: Yeah. Fact, he looked pretty blue till he saw us. Perked up and looked happy as a clam. Told us how much he missed us. Took over the dance floor, trying to dance like those Riverdance guys do, took his shirt off, kicking his feet up and down, fell right on his ass. God, he made us laugh. Stomach’s hurt, we laughed so hard. ‘Specially her. He loved that.
FIVER: He always liked doing crazy stunts.
KANE: Wild child. That was what she called him. The wild child.
(KENNY enters, carrying drinks. He hands one to KANE and another to FIVER.)
KENNY: Here you go, mon-sewers. Fiver, I got you a drink anyway, you look like you need a fucking drink so don’t fucking argue. Double Jack straight up. Drink up boys, we gotta burn the funeral blues right out of our system. Jesus, the fucking people that are here, did you see Brenda, Brenda is here.
KANE: Is she?
KENNY: Got five kids, five kids all lined up in a row. Five kids and on her third husband. Can’t believe it. And she didn’t get that much bigger either. I’d still throw her a hard one if she wanted. And I saw Anne and Clint and Adam and Margie and what’s-her-butt, the girl we all thought was a lesbo even tho’ she dated guys, and guess what? She’s a lesbian. We were right all along, boys. A lesbian. She’s still hot, too. I’d fuck her. Who else is here? Oh yeah, Cosmo and Pete and fucking Eric, you remember Eric, Fiver?
FIVER: The ear-wriggler.
KENNY: Yeah, he did that thing with his ears, always wondered how he did that. Wish I could do that. That ear thing was something. I shoulda asked him to do it for me again.
KANE: How you been holding up, Kenny?
KENNY: Hanging in there, big guy. This has been a shitty week, a monumentally shitty day, and an overall shitty thing to happen. Fact, this would be number one on my list of shitty things, this tops the list, but I’m gonna keep a smile on my fucking face anyway, you wanna know why?
KANE: Why?
KENNY: ‘Cause that’s what she woulda wanted, absolutely. She wouldn’t wanted me all Blah-blah-Boo-Hoo, she woulda wanted me still tryin’ to make her smile. That’s what she woulda wanted. I know it. So I am fucking smilin’. Look at me right now.
(KENNY takes another drink. Then he grins.)
KENNY: I’m fucking smiling my ass off.
KANE: Where you workin’ these days, Ken?
KENNY: Been sloggin’ my way through the wonderous world of data processing. But I don’t wanna talk about my shitty job. That won’t keep me smilin’. Fucking Fiver! It’s been … How long has it been?
FIVER: Been a long time.
KENNY: Fucking forever. I don’t even remember the last time I saw you, you know.
KANE: It was nine years ago.
KENNY: That long?
KANE: Fourth of July. We went down to the riverbank together. The four of us. Watched the fireworks together, sitting in lawn chairs in the back of my truck. You were taking off for Europe for the rest of the summer, do one of those hiking things, and then maybe grad school, you weren’t sure. Nine years ago this July.
FIVER: Yep. That’s when it was.
KENNY: Jesus, the memory on this man. Fucking hell. Could be an elephant, he’s got such a memory.
KANE: Got the trunk of an elephant right here.
KENNY: Whoaa-hoo! Fucking Kane hits the big one! Nice. She’d of loved that one. Shit. So what happened with you, Fiver?
FIVER: Fucked off grad school. I stayed in Europe a little longer than I planned.
KENNY: How long?
FIVER: Three years.
KENNY: Whoa, shit. Three years? Doin’ what?
FIVER: Uh, this and that. Made a little cash, writing articles about places to go, that kind of shit. You know.
KANE: Where you at these days?
FIVER: Los Angeles.
KENNY: No shit?
FIVER: Been there a few years.
KENNY: Holy shit, Hollywood, you in the movie business?
FIVER: No, no. I’m writing.
KENNY: You write for the movies?
FIVER: No, I write for television.
KENNY: You don’t write for the movies?
FIVER: No, just television.
KENNY: Don’t you want to write for the movies?
FIVER: No, uh … I like the television work.
KENNY: But you’re in Hollywood, you should take advantage, write for the movies, that’s the big business there, right?
FIVER: Television’s pretty good to me.
KENNY: I always liked going to movies. Know what’s best about the movies?
FIVER: What?
KENNY: No commercials. That’s what I like about movies. They don’t stop once they start. I hate fuckin’ commercials, just when you start getting’ into whatever it is, along comes some fuckin’ ad for a hemorrhoid cream or some shit like that. And usually, you’re eating when that happens. That’s why I like the movies.
FIVER: Yeah, uh … movies are good that way.
KENNY: I never watch television anymore, unless there’s a game on. You write for any shows I might know?
FIVER: I don’t know. I actually …
KANE: You write that show “The Girl Next Door”?
FIVER: Uh ... yeah, I do write that show. Created it, actually. Who told you?
KANE: Nobody. Watched it, seemed a bit, you know, familiar.
FIVER: I can see how it might. A little.
KENNY: Shit, I’m gonna check this show out now.
KANE: You should. But I didn’t see your name in any of the credits, Fiver.
FIVER: I changed my name when I got out there.
KENNY: What? You fuckin’ serious? You no-shit changed your name?
FIVER: No shit.
KANE: So your name isn’t Fieval anymore?
FIVER: No. It’s Ethan Severn now. Fact, no one’s called me Fiver in a long, long time.
KENNY: Holy Shit. Fiver isn’t Fiver anymore. Why’d you do it?
FIVER: Well, for work, mainly. It’s good to be Jewish in LA, but it’s not good to be TOO Jewish. The best thing, what everyone wants out there, is to be an undercover Jew. The name Fieval Schwarzenbaum is not undercover in any way, shape, or form. Ethan Severn is.
KENNY: Fucking hell, Fiver. That blows my mind.
FIVER: As the years go by, I find myself doing a lot of things that I never imagined I would.
(Short pause.)
FIVER: When was … I’m sorry, I haven’t talked to anyone in years. Did anyone see this coming? What happened, I mean?
KANE: I didn’t, but after thinking about it constantly for the last three days, I guess that I am not surprised. She just wasn’t happy.
KENNY: She always had trouble that way. Staying happy. Something always brought her down. Fucking always. Fuck Fuck Fuck.
FIVER: When was the last time either of you talked to her?
KANE: ‘Bout a year. We exchanged a few emails, mostly about silly shit, but I haven’t talked to her, actually spoke to her, in over a year, I guess. You?
FIVER: It’s been a while.
KENNY: Two weeks.
FIVER: What?
KENNY: I talked to her two weeks ago. She called me, we shot the shit for almost an hour. It was a good time. Seemed that way.
KANE: She say anything?
KENNY: Naw. Maybe. I don’t know. I hadn’t seen her since that wedding, three years ago, but we talked. We talked pretty regular, always have, couple times a month, whenever she got down she’d give me a buzz and I’d cheer her up. She called me her booster shot for the blues. Told her jokes, shit I’d heard, girls I was fuckin’ or tryin’ to fuck, she loved stories about that. My love life, that’s what she always called it, loved hearin’ about Kenny’s “Love Life”. I told her, I said, this isn’t a love life, this is a fuck life. I’m in this for the fuckin’. Someday, she’d say, someday, Kenny, you’ll meet a nice girl that’ll sweep you off your feet and right up to the altar. Just you wait, Kenny, she’d say. I’d always tell her, nice girls know better. And nice girls, they ain’t any fun, either, the nice girls. I like the bad girls, waiting for the exact right bad girl. The right one. Last time we talked, she was in a better mood than ever. Teasing me about the nice girls. Laughing, like she used to. She even said …
FIVER: What’d she say?
KENNY: I don’t wanna talk about this depressing shit, guys, let’s talk about the good things—
KANE: What’d she say?
KENNY: Nothing.
KANE: If she said something—
KENNY: What she said was for me and me only. It didn’t have to do with what happened. Shit. Come on, guys. It’s fucking hard enough to have to bury one of the fucking best people ever in the world. Let’s not get caught in the blues, she wouldn’t want that. I’m having a hard enough time. Let’s remember the good things, you know. The good times.
KANE: The good times.
FIVER: Good times.
KENNY: Let’s talk about the great things she did for us. She did some great fucking things, name them, how about that? Give me one, come on, throw one out there to the fucking universe. She’s listening, she always sat and listened while we all shot off our mouths about all the great things we were gonna do with our lives, remember?
KANE: Yeah, she just sat there, smiling. Smiling that smile she had, the one that used only half her mouth.
KENNY: Okay then, put it out there. Baby, wherever you are, this is for you. You know what she did for me?
FIVER: What?
KENNY: She did a lot of great fucking things, but one of the best was she went back with me to my high school reunion. My ten-year high school fucking reunion. I didn’t want to go to the fucker, shit, I hated high school when I was in it, why would I want to go back? College, college was the good times, right? When the four of us were together, that was the SHIT, right there. So I wasn’t gonna go to the damned thing, and I was bitchin’ about it to Babe at the bar one night, this was almost five years ago, and I should never have told her. She talked me into goin’, she did. Said if I didn’t go back and show those cocksuckers, I’d always regret it. What am I gonna show ‘em? I asked her. I’m fuckin’ unemployed, for chrissakes, I’d just gotten sacked again. No job, no house, a car that barely runs, that was my life at that point.
KANE: I didn’t know you went to that thing, I remember you bitching about it, but …
KENNY: She talked me into it, rented a limo, bought me a suit, and not just any suit, a primo-Italian tailored sleek-looking MONEY suit, and she made sure I was the shit. AND came up with the greatest story, the most awesome story of what I’d been doing with my life.
FIVER: What was the story?
KENNY: Porno.
KANE: Porno?
KENNY: Porno baby, porno! She turned me into a real porn producer, the real fucking thing, man! I mean, she outlined the whole thing, she created a by-God resume for me, did the research, gave me a porn producer name, had titles of movies I’d done and porno actors whose careers I’d launched, I mean, she didn’t just give me an idea, she wrote a fuckin’ BOOK! She made a movie out of my imaginary life! She even got some autographed pictures of Ron Jeremy to hand out to all the guys! Don’t ask me how she did it, but she did. You shoulda seen the faces on those fucks from high school. She turned me into a porn King!
FIVER: That definitely sounds like our Babe.
KENNY: She was balls to the walls, man.
KANE: What was your porn name?
KENNY: Oh shit, that was the best. Kenny Cunnilingus.
FIVER: Kenny Cunnilingus?
KENNY: That was it, man, isn’t that the most awesome! She gave me the greatest porno name ever! Kenny Cunnilingus. And Babe went as my date, she put on this red slutty dress, real sexy, no underwear, slutty hair-do, and makeup and never let go of my arm the whole night. She was attached to me the whole night. Honey Suckle, that was her porno name, and she was my newest star. Our old prom queen, Deanna Sue Blackburn, she was the stuck-up queen bitch of my class, said something to Babe like, how lucky it was that Kenny had found someone so close to his own interests or some shit like that, and Babe goes, “Honey, I’m the lucky one, ‘cause although Kenny’s got a great cock, and he does, they don’t call him Kenny Cunnilingus for nothing, if you know what I mean. He eats pussy like it was his mission in life, and let me tell you something. I’ve been eaten out by some of the best dykes in the business, and none of them, not one of them, ties my twat in a knot like Kenny Cunnilingus. He’s the pussy-licking King.” And the look on Deanna Sue’s face was worth the four years of hell that was high school. Of all their faces. I was the scourge of every wife there, and I was the envy of every man at that reunion. Every man, every one of those cocksuckers, wanted to be me. It was one of the greatest nights ever. We laughed our asses off about it forever afterward. Thanks to her.
FIVER: That was our Babe.
KENNY: She got me face, man, that what she did, she took me back and gave me fuckin’ face for the whole world.
(Short pause. KENNY turns away for a moment. He turns back around.)
KENNY: She was beautiful that way. Fuckin’ beautiful. What about you, Kane?
KANE: What?
KENNY: Give us a good thing about Babe.
KANE: There are too many to count, Kenny.
KENNY: Shit, man, pick something. Just one thing.
KANE: Kenny—
KENNY: Kane, you lived with her for almost two years, you don’t have anything to offer up to the universe?
FIVER: You two lived together?
KANE: Yeah. We did.
FIVER: Not as roommates, but lived together as …
KANE: Lived together as lovers.
KENNY: Two years, two years you cohabitated, and you don’t got nothing to share?
KANE: Kenny, I like you a lot better when you’re pouring the shit into your mouth as opposed to out of it.
KENNY: What does that mean?
KANE: What do you think?
FIVER: I didn’t know you two were … together.
KANE: And why would you?
FIVER: I’m just surprised I didn’t hear about it from anyone.
KANE: Hear about it from who?
FIVER: Anyone.
KENNY: I woulda told you, Fiver, but I didn’t know where the fuck you were. They hooked up sometime after Seymour’s wedding. Happened fast, too. One night holding hands and kissing, next night he’s moving his shit in.
KANE: Hey Kenny.
KENNY: Hey, what?
FIVER: You know what? I need another drink. You guys want another drink?
KENNY: Hell, yes. Jack and Coke, baby. Thanks Fiver.
(FIVER exits. KANE looks at KENNY for a moment.)
KENNY: Hey, what?
KANE: You talk too Goddamn much.
KENNY: That so?
KANE: Yeah, that’s so. Maybe you should cool it.
KENNY: Maybe you’re too Goddamn touchy.
KANE: Fuck you, Kenny.
KENNY: You know what, Kane? See my face, this face here is smiling right at you. I’m smilin’ my ass off, and nothing you say or do is gonna change that. I’m smilin’ for her, and if you don’t like it, then fuck you. I’m smiling, and fuck off if you don’t like it.
(Short pause. FIVER comes back with a bottle of Jack Daniels. He pours some in each person’s glass.)
KENNY: Thanks, Doctor, medicine just in the nick of time.
FIVER: So Kane. You and Babe lived together for … two years?
KANE: We did. And then we didn’t. She moved out over two years ago.
FIVER: It didn’t work out?
KANE: It was working fine, that’s why she decided to move out. What do you think, Fiver, people leave ‘cause things are going good?
FIVER: I’m sorry, I don’t mean—
KANE: What? To intrude? Hey, what the fuck, with motormouth Ken here, you got no chance of that.
KENNY: I’m still smilin’ at ya, big guy. Smiling.
FIVER: I’m sorry Kane. I’ve just been out of touch for so long, I’m naturally curious.
KENNY: When was the last time you talked to Babe, Fiver?
FIVER: Well, it’s been a while.
KANE: How long?
FIVER: I don’t know. Awhile. Quite awhile.
KENNY: She didn’t tell you, did she? Didn’t tell you her and Kane shacked up together?
KANE: Kenny, watch your Goddamned mouth—
FIVER: No, she didn’t.
KANE: Otherwise, I’m gonna … you were talkin’ to her then?
FIVER: Yeah.
KANE: While she was living with me?
FIVER: Yeah.
KANE: And after she left, you were still …
FIVER: Yeah.
(Short pause.)
KANE: So she was calling you while she was living with me?
FIVER: No.
KANE: What? But you said …
FIVER: Letters. We wrote letters to each other. Started about three, three and half years ago. She sent me a letter. I wrote back. Wrote the old-fashioned way, via snail mail. I got the last one a couple days ago. It’s how I knew what was gonna happen. What happened, I mean. By the time I got it, it was too late.
(Very brief pause.)
KANE: You gotta lot of balls, saying that.
FIVER: What are you talkin’ about?
KANE: I’m talkin’ about how you broke her heart, that’s what I’m talkin’ about!
FIVER: I broke HER heart? Oh, that’s rich!
KANE: Don’t try and act all fuckin’ innocent, you asshole. You think I wouldn’t know? We did live together. When you took off for Europe and didn’t talk to her for years, it broke her fucking heart. You wouldn’t even return her phone calls. You were a real fucking DICK.
FIVER: She tell you WHY I didn’t return her calls? Why do you think I went to Europe for three years instead of three months?
KANE: Sure she did but so what? That was no reason to act like you did! And now I find out you were writing her while she was with me, well hell, that explains fucking everything!
FIVER: Explains what?
KANE: Why she left me, you asshole!
FIVER: Hey, I didn’t even know the two of you were together, so don’t hang that on me!
KANE: Fuck you, Fiver, or Ethan, or whatever your Goddamn name is. And if life wasn’t tough enough after she moved out on me, every time I turned on the television, there was this new show called THE GIRL NEXT DOOR, which is practically the story of Babe’s life!
KENNY: Really?
KANE: Kenny, you should be getting fuckin’ residuals, you are fucking on TV.
KENNY: No shit? Fiver, I’m honored.
KANE: You might not feel that way after you see the show.
FIVER: I left Babe for one very specific reason. I didn’t call her or see her for that same reason.
KANE: And why was that?
FIVER: You mean you don’t know? I thought you knew everything?
KANE: Fiver, don’t fucking push me, I mean it.
KENNY: Because she wouldn’t marry him.
KANE: What?
KENNY: He asked her to marry him and she wouldn’t. That’s why he left and didn’t come back.
(FIVER looks at KENNY, who takes a drink.)
KENNY: Yeah, she told me.
KANE: For that, that’s why you cut her off? Put her out of your life? You broke her fucking heart, man.
FIVER: She broke my heart. I loved her. I did. I was devastated when she told me it wouldn’t work out. That I wouldn’t be able to make her happy. But I loved her.
KANE: Yeah, right.
KENNY: Kane asked her to marry him, too.
FIVER: What?
KENNY: Yeah, he proposed. She said no. He took it hard.
KANE: Kenny, shut the fuck up.
FIVER: You asked her, too?
KANE: Yeah, I did, so what? I’ll tell you something else, when she said no I took it like a man. I didn’t cut and run.
KENNY: But it is why she moved out. Because you were so hurt.
KANE: You don’t know that, you asshole!
KENNY: Sure, I do. She told me. She said the same thing to you that she did to Fiver.
FIVER: You asked her to marry you?
KANE: Hey, I LOVED her. I did. I was there for her. I didn’t run away. I loved her.
FIVER: Evidently, that wasn’t enough then, was it?
KANE: Fuck you, asshole!
(KANE pushes FIVER. FIVER pushes him right back.)
FIVER: Fuck you right back!
(Very short pause as they glare at each other. KENNY starts laughing. Laughing hard.)
FIVER: What the hell are you laughing at, you drunk?
KENNY: You two.
KANE: You think this is fucking funny?
KENNY: Both of you, you uptight assholes. Here we are at the funeral of one of the greatest women ever, and you two are in a pissing match over who loved her more. If Babe were here, she’d be laughing too. Jee-sus. You guys don’t get it, do you?
FIVER: Get what?
KENNY: You both loved her, but it wasn’t enough, you had to have more than that. You wanted to own her, you wanted the paper and the ring and the whole fucking deal, and she wasn’t about that. She wasn’t, she never was. If she’d done that, she wouldn’t have been Babe. Hell, I loved her. You think I didn’t love her as much as you two? I never even slept with her, and I loved her more than any woman ever. You think it didn’t kill me when I saw you together, Kane? It did, but you know what? Didn’t matter. Or how about when she told me she was back in touch with you, Fiver? Didn’t matter. All that mattered to me was that Babe was happy, cause she wasn’t happy that often. If living with either one of you two assholes made Babe happy, then hell, sign me up, I’m all for it. I don’t care. I loved her, and I didn’t require nothing in return for it. I may be an unemployed drunk loser, but at least I did that right. I loved her. Hell, man, I know I couldn’t have made her happy all by my lonesome. I just wasn’t enough. I wish I was, but I know I wasn’t. And I never complained to her about it, either. Babe had enough problems without adding mine. She was a twisted one, and she knew it. We’re lucky she made it this far. It took the three of us together for her to last as long as she did. You fuckin’ guys, you should be happy, fucking happy you knew Babe for as long as you did. You were fucking blessed as far as I’m concerned. Blessed to have known her. I am. You both should shut the fuck up about yourselves and remember who we’re here to honor. Fucking remember it!
(Short pause. KANE and FIVER look at each other. FIVER pours them all another drink. They look at KENNY.)
FIVER: You know what she used to do that always made me laugh?
KANE: What?
FIVER: Whenever I was cheesed off at something, she would come right up to me, put her nose right up against mine, and say, “But the important thing to remember is that from this distance, you appear to have only a single humongous eye!” And it always killed me when she did that. I loved that.
KENNY: I remember that, I saw her do that to you!
FIVER: I loved it when she did that, I even put it in the TV show.
KANE: She never slept. You could call her at three in the morning, and she’d be awake. She liked it when you called her like that. When we lived together, I remember that I’d get up in the middle of the night, and she’d be sitting on a chair, naked, painting her toenails. I’d say, “Hey, aren’t you sleepy?” and she’d say, “Not yet,” and smile. I’d find her doing different things anytime I got up in the middle of the night, sometimes she’d be baking cookies, naked, and other times she might be making a quilt, always naked. She didn’t really like clothing, felt it constricted her, that’s why she loved skinny-dipping with us, remember? Very proud of her body and happy to have it hanging free and unbound. Whenever we came home, the first thing she always did was take off her shirt. I remember that, but mostly, I remember her never sleeping. I would wake up at night, and she would always be doing something unusual in the nude and I would always ask her, “Aren’t you tired?” and she would always smile and say, “Not yet.” She never slept, I remember that. And when we went to bed, she’d be awake when I went to sleep and awake when I woke up. Awake and watching me. I’d say, “What are you doing?” “Watching you,” she’d say. “I like watching you.” She did. I remember. She liked watching all of us.
FIVER: She always said that, watching us three losers was her favorite program.
KENNY: We kept her entertained and smiling.
KANE: As long as we could, anyway. Until she got too tired.
(Pause.)
KANE: Kenny Cunnilingus, huh?
KENNY: Kenny Cunnilingus.
FIVER: Kenny Cunnilingus. That’s a great story, there’s a great story in there.
KENNY: There is!
(They hold their glasses up in a toast.)
KENNY: To Babe.
KANE: To Babe.
FIVER: To Babe.
KENNY: The Beautiful One.
(They all drink. Lights fade.)
End of play.
Featured in the book THE JOSHUA JAMES PROJECT
THE BEAUTIFUL ONE NOTES:
First produced at Manhattan Theatre Source, directed by Ato Essandoh and featuring Markus Griesshammer, Adam Rothenberg, and Taylor Ruckel.
A stellar cast and director that knocked it out of the park.
It was produced many, many times thereafter around the city with various casts, also at City Theatre in Miami. I'm told a shortened version of this piece was a finalist for Louisville’s ten-minute play contest in 2005.
This is one of the theatre pieces I am most proud to have been part of creating.
Gratuities both welcomed and appreciated.
Thanks for reading Hard Rolls! Subscribe for free to receive new posts and support my work.
March 1, 2024
CONVERSATIONS WITH VAN DAMME - Part 4
(For the reader, I wrote a movie that JCVD starred in called POUND OF FLESH. I’ve also written a few other projects for him that have yet to be made, so I’ve got a ton of voicemail and video messages from him, in addition to occasional phone calls out of the blue. It’s a surreal experience to have a guy you once had posters of decorating your college dorm room call you. But that’s the biz. JC is a unique, eccentric man. Conversations with him cannot truly be described, only experienced. What follows may have or have not happened, per se, but it is true to the spirit of JCVD interactions. Consider this fiction with a dose of the real, and you can decide for yourself which is which. Myself, I ain’t saying except where specifically noted.)
(Sunday, 10 am. Phone rings. It’s JCVD. Haven’t spoken to him in months. I answer.)
JCVD: Joshua! Where the fuck is the script?!
ME: Script?
JCVD: The script you were supposed to email me, I need it!
ME: (trying not to panic) Oh, do you mean (REDACTED)?
JCVD: No, not (REDACTED), you know which one, we talk about this!
ME: Uh, then you need a copy of (REDACTED) or (REDACTED)?
JCVD: No, Joshua, no! You’re killing me, I meet with the finance guy in one hour and I need the updated script you wrote! The other draft, it had too many pages, remember? You were going to cut it down, for the budget? Come on, Joshua!
ME: (wracking my brain) Sorry, JC, what was the name of the script again? I can send it right now if you want.
JCVD: Of course I want, email it to me right now, email to this address, very important, do you have a pen? Good, email it to (REDACTED). Got that? I already have (REDACTED) attached to star as the bad guy, and (REDACTED) will direct. It’s gonna be huge, Joshua, huge. But I need the newest draft of the fucking script first!
ME: Got it, got it. What was the name of the script again?
JCVD: Joshua, focus. It’s called (REDACTED), remember?
ME: (a moment) It’s called (REDACTED)?
JCVD: Yes, yes, we talked about it last fucking week, it’s called (REDACTED), it’s (REDACTED), send it fucking now, Joshua!
ME: Did it have another title before?
JCVD: No no no, it was always (REDACTED) that is the perfect title, this is my idea, it’s my story, (REDACTED) will be what it will be called. I will never change it!
ME: JC, I don’t have any script called (REDACTED) on my computer.
JCVD: What? You LOST my script? You lost it! What the fuck… Joshua-
ME: No, I mean, I’ve never written a script called (REDACTED) for you.
JCVD: What do you mean? Of course, you wrote (REDACTED)! We talk about it for days, I give you the story, you wrote it, we talk about it just last week, I have the email from you with the older draft that had too many pages-
ME: JC, we didn’t talk last week, and I never wrote a script with the title (REDACTED). I wrote (REDACTED), (REDACTED), (REDACTED), and (REDACTED), but I’ve never written anything for you called (REDACTED).
(Pause. JC yells at someone else in French in the room. There is much back and forth. After a few moments, JC returns to our conversation)
JCVD: Joshua.
ME: Yeah, JC?
JCVD: You didn’t write (REDACTED). We went for bigger name. For the money people. You understand.
ME: Totally understand.
Click on the following link for more CONVERSATIONS WITH VAN DAMME.
Gratuities are greatly appreciated, so please:
Thanks for reading Hard Rolls! Subscribe for free to receive new posts and support my work.
February 25, 2024
SIX QUESTIONS WITH PAUL GUYOT
PAUL GUYOT has written and produced more than 200 hours of television. He served as showrunner on the TNT hit series THE LIBRARIANS. He was the Co-Executive Producer for NCIS: NEW ORLEANS -- at the time the 8th most watched series in the world.
Guyot co-wrote the Warner Brothers film GEOSTORM starring Gerard Butler and Andy Garcia, which grossed more than a quarter billion dollars worldwide. But don’t hold it against him.
He has adapted books and foreign films for multiple studios and, most recently, is producing a pair of independent feature films.
He is the author of KILL THE DOG: The First Book on Screenwriting to Tell You the Truth, which was an Amazon bestseller upon its release and is available in print, ebook, and audio everywhere books are sold.
Guyot attended the University of Arizona. In his non-writing time, he enjoys golf, cycling, mechanical watches, and has been called the Tony Hawk of making old fashioneds.
1 - Which writer who came before, do you admire the most?
Too many to list. My favorite living author is James Lee Burke. Before him, Toni Morrison, James Baldwin, Graham Greene. On the screen front, Tony Gilroy, Nancy Dowd, Goldman (both William and Bo), Chayefsky, John Hughes, the list goes on.
2 - Which teacher(s) had the most profound effect on you?
A guidance counselor in high school named Kevin McGirr. At the time I was very lost. A misguided youth with a very depressing home life. It was manifesting in unhealthy behavior. He was the first adult in my life to tell me I mattered and that I could do great things. He told me I should be a writer. Before that I had no idea writing was even a job.
3 - Besides writing, what’s your favorite hobby or passion?
Golf has always been a passion. It came very close to being my job instead of writing. I’m glad it stayed a passion.
4 - What is something that those who don’t write fiction do not know or understand about it?
I think Stephen King’s quote, “Fiction is the truth inside the lie,” says it best. We make stuff up, but it is really all about telling the truth. People who are not writers and not even avid readers don’t truly understand that. They desperately want to figure out how we do what we do, but they can’t. That’s what contributes to the ubiquitous How-To garbage about writing. It’s an emotional act, not binary. It’s imagination and whimsey and creation. Even the most plot-driven, characterless works are still works of art. There is certainly an engineering aspect to good storytelling, but not to good writing. Writing is like painting or playing music. And unless you do it and do it deeply and regularly, it’s very difficult to understand that.
5 - Can you think of a key breakthrough moment in your work for you that you’d be willing to share?
My breakthrough moment for my work was actually a breakthrough moment for me as a human being. It’s when I realized that I was writing the way I was living - trying to please those around me; trying to be accepted by everyone. Sacrificing myself and what I believed and inherently knew in order to be liked. And this way before “LIKE” became a social media activity. Once I let go of that - as a writer and as a person - my writing improved exponentially. As dichotomous as it may sound, one must truly let go of expectation and outcome and pleasing others in order to give themself the best chance at the success that comes from others enjoying one's work.
6 - What’s next for you?
I’m finishing up my first crack at a novel, which has been so much fun, and I'm in the midst of co-writing a big spec feature script with a good friend. I’m also getting more into producing this year, mostly smaller indie films.
Thanks for reading Hard Rolls! Subscribe for free to receive new posts and support my work.
