David M. Samuels's Blog, page 7
July 27, 2019
SANDKINGS by George RR Martin (Review)
A novel set in GRRM’s sci-fi universe, Sandkings puts a Gothic spin on that one type of cartoon episode. You know the one:
Exhibit A
[image error]
Exhibit B
[image error]
Exhibit C
[image error]
Trust me, you’ve seen it before. But not in so horrific a fashion.
When Simon Kress’ exotic pet dies, he tries to buy a replacement in the city only to find most of shops are closed. All except for Wo & Shade Importers, a rather sketchy establishment that sells not-totally-legal pets.
“Wo smiled enigmatically. ‘Have you ever owned an animal that worshipped you?”
Enter the sandking. “Barely as long as a fingernail, six-limbed, with six tiny eyes set all around its body. A wicked set of mandibles clacked visibly, while two long, fine antennae wove patterns in the air. Antennae, mandibles, eyes and legs were sooty black, but the dominant color was the burnt orange of its armor plating.”
These hivemind-sharing creatures worship their owner as a god, sculpting his or her face into the walls of their lairs. When treated properly, they remain no larger than fingernail length and fight honorable wars between colonies. But Simon doesn’t end up treating them well. Oh no, he stages starvation wars for the amusement of his guests, setting up betting pools for increasingly crueler bloodbaths.
Eventually the sandkings grow out of his control to the point here he stoops ever more desperately to keep his secrets from coming to light.
Sandkings can be found in Dreamsongs Volume II.
IN NUMINA BY ASSAPH MEHR (Roman Paranormal Mystery Review |SPFBO #2
“Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Felix, sometimes known as Felix the Fox.”
Take the subgenre of Roman Whodunnits, add a dash of Scoobie Doo, and you’ve got yourself In Numina, the second in Assaph Mehr’s Daggers and Magic series. Not to worry, you don’t need to read the first book to understand this one. I usually start mystery series after the first anyways, since by then the author’s really attained a grasp of the sleuth.
In this case, the sleuth is Felix (sometimes known as Felix the Fox), who brings to mind a cross between Lindsey Davis’s Marcus Didius Falco and Steven Saylor’s Gordianus the Finder (especially in the latter’s “footloose days”). Assaph draws influence from others in the genre (with some nods to Ruth Downie especially), and blends them with paranormal investigation to make for a heady medley.
Murder investigations are interesting, sure, but you ain’t seen nothing until you’ve followed Felix as he hunts down a sorcerous entity that’s killing off the tenants of a particular landlord. There’s some truly frightening scenes throughout the work, like when a statue comes alive to bash people’s brains in. Or that time a tree in one tenement turns into a snake. Ooh! And don’t forget that time when a roomful of possessed ancestral masks fly around like pissed-off bats.
My main complaint is the setting. At first I thought it was set in Rome with a Jonathan Strange & Mr. Norrell take on magic in the real world. But then Assaph mentions the Pharos lighthouse, so I went, “Okay, didn’t seem like a desert, but I guess we’re in Alexandria.” Then it’s a few dozen pages before I realize the tale actually unfolds on a different world altogether. This was especially confusing because of the explicit mention of Roman facts and figures (insula, Cicero, etc.)
Even though it takes place on a second world, you’ll still learn plenty about Rome. Like how, “All insulae (tenements) are separated from the adjacent buildings by streets and alleys, which is how they got to be named ‘islands.’” Or how Romans had, “…an ingenious contraption pumping fresh seawater to tanks on boats allowing the transport of live fish over great distances.” If anyone wants to know what an insula looks like, here’s an approximated floorplan of Caesar’s childhood home (from Collen McCullough’s First Man of Rome):
[image error]
Finally, here’s some of my favorite quotes from the work as a whole:
“According to romantic literature, she was supposed to collapse sobbing on my shoulder. / Instead, Cornelie tried to knee me in the groin, saying much about the literature she was reading.”
“I would like to blame the wine for what happened next, thought that would be disingenuous.”
“…but getting any witnesses to trial will be like getting live octopi to walk across a snowy mountain pass.”
[image error]
July 11, 2019
Smooth as a Baby’s Bottom (WRITER’S PHRASEBANK ON SKIN)
DISCLAIMER: These phrase books are intended to help get your brain jogging. Quoted excerpts do not belong to me and should be used to influence rather than inserted in your own work
[image error]
[image error]
Deeply tanned
Olive skin
Honey-skinned
Skin the color of wheat
Sun-browned
Leather-skinned
Acorn skin
Rough-skinned
waxy-skinned
_-skinned; (black-skinned;
Sun-burnished (skin)
Skin like hardened sailcloth
“marble face”
Skin loose on his bones
Leathery skin
Fair skin |
Fair of face
Milk-skinned
Alabaster (skin tone)
Her own porcelain veneer of disdain
Sallow ([of a person’s face] of an unhealthy yellow or pale brown color)
Rosy-cheeked
“He was fighting back a blush, one of the drawbacks of his fair complexion.
Tawny skin (orange-brown)
“Skin, tanned like the smoothest leather stretched over her wide cheekbones
_-complexioned (dark)
“His summer tan” (+time of year)
Darkly complected
Skins a little darker than the sand
Skin loose on his bones
“dolphin-smooth” skin
Worn around the edges
“The wizard’s face… seemed barely more than a mask over bone”
“The leathery skin around Jenner’s eyes creased as he smiled.”
Carbuncle (a group of pus-filled bumps forming under the skin | carbuncled nose)
Skin was pulled tight across the knobs of his cheekbones
Knobs of her wrists and elbows protruding under her skin
His skin an anemic parchment stretched over gnarled bone and twisting sinew
Seamed (features | “the sellsword had a seamed face crisscrossed with old scars.”)|
His face was landscape of (craters)
Rutted (his face rutted by murderous wrath)
Lines arcing over face
Weathered
Etched
The responsibilities had carved deep lines on his face
“He was a grizzled old sweat with a face like an Alpine cliff”
With more lines in his face than teeth in his mouth
Mouth bracketed by frown lines
Age-spotted skin
Spray of freckles
Freckle-faced
Sun-freckled nose
The sun had lured out the freckles on her nose
July 6, 2019
Pucker Up: Phrase Bank for Describing a Character’s Mouth/Lips
(IMG: https://charliebowater.tumblr.com/image/114520084579)
DISCLAIMER: These phrase books are intended to help get your brain jogging. Quoted excerpts do not belong to me and should be used to influence rather than inserted in your own work.
Dimple in chin
Cut of his jaw (“classic Nansur cut of his jaw”)
Lantern-jawed (long, thin jaw and prominent chin)
Long neck
“Chin too broad. And it had a cleft in it that looked like a scar.”
Narrow chin
“It is a terrible thing you see a man trying to jut out a chin he does not, in fact, have.”
“Slightly receding chin”
Pointed jaw
Strong chin
chin vanishing nto beardbeard
“Chins jiggled when she laughed”
Her chin is a little weak and it appears she is aware of this for the tilt of her head seems a conscious combat against it (Angela Slatter)
_-mouthed (small-mouthed)
“mouth artfully rouged
“Mouth permanently downturned”
Dimples (“She had a pretty smile, with just the hint of a dimple”
Chapped (lips/face)
Full-lipped (pretty woman)
thin-lipped
Cracked/broken lips
Fat red lips
Colorless lips
“Her lips hung like raw meat draped over her sharp predator’s teeth”
Protuberant lips
July 5, 2019
July 3, 2019
PRIEST OF LIES (Book Review)
“‘Aye,’ I said, and if perhaps my tone was somewhat blunt, then I am a blunt man, and I make no apology for that.”
Thomas Piety is back and blunter than ever in the second installment of Peter McLean’s fantasy series. If you’re jonesing for a mix between Lies of Locke Lamora and Goodfellas with a voice akin to Logan Ninefingers, then PRIEST OF LIES is where it’s at.
The second installment covers Thomas as he adjusts to polite society. Or tries to, anyway. “I nodded and opened the parlor door. She called it the drawing room, and I knew I was supposed to do the same, but to my mind a parlor was a parlor however many chairs it held.” And later, when joining Ailsa in the drawing room: “Withdrawing room, I realized at last. That finally made sense and put my mind at rest that I’d not be asked to take up a sketching book after all.” Still, you can’t teach an old dog new tricks and Piety doesn’t let his adaption to courtly life change him altogether: “This was where I was supposed to tell him a flattering lie, I knew, but fuck that.”
This book is divided into three parts, the second of which takes place in the capital city of Dannsburg. I love how Part Two functions almost as a standalone story in itself, featuring a totalitarian monarchy, a nefarious faction of wizards, and perhaps McLean’s cruelest character yet, Lord Chief Judiciar Vogel.
Also props to McLean for his inclusion of so many LGBTQ characters. I won’t spoil who identifies as what, but it definitely capped off my Pride with a bang to see so much diversity.
All of my quibbles are minor. Repetition was a bit of an issue, like how, Florence Cooper “shrugged and spat on the floor and never mind that she was right in front of me,” in the same way Aunt Enaid “turned and spat on the floor and never mind that we were in her own kitchen,” from Priest of Bones.
I also wish Piety had more interaction with Bloodhands before the penultimate scene. Maybe a hostage exchange or some sort of direct contact so the reader can get an idea of what sort of threat he poses.
Nevertheless, those quibbles pale in comparison to the work as a whole. Five stars overall!
July 2, 2019
Blood of Heirs (Book Review BTFO #1)
Hungry for high fantasy along the lines of Devin Madson, Richard Ford and Elaine Isaak? Then look no further than Alicia Wanstall-Burke’s BLOOD OF HEIRS, an SPFBO nominee told from two PoV characters.
First there’s LIDAN, first daughter to the sonless daari (chieftain) in a clan where birth order determines status. All she wants is to break in her horse, Theus, and fight alongside the rangers of her clan.
“One day she would be allowed to go with them. One day…”
Only problem is her mother, SELLAN, has other plans.
“‘Lidan, you were born of a dana and a daari.’ Her voice was calm, even kind, but the pressure of her fine hands and her unflinching scowl left Lidan in no doubt. Sellan never made threats—she made promises. ‘You are not some shit-flecked horse herder. You are not a scrub digger. You are not a rider or a fighter. No daughter of mine will ever be a ranger, be they a first or minor daughter.”
A real ice queen, eh? Like a true Disney villain (in a good way) she’s also got a crone sidekick to match (dubbed the Crone) whose sorcerous prowess unnerves much of the clan. Sellan would’ve been one of my favorite characters if not for the fact that her treatment of Lidan runs counter to her motivations of putting her daughter on the Red Coretree Throne.
In “a clan of hotheads who attacked their problems with spears rather than reason,” I’d assume that horseriding would play a significant role in determining one’s authority and power. From a sociological level, chieftains of such communities are usually “strongmen/women” with the most of a primary resource and capable of defending it. Why, then, would Lidan prevent her daughter from doing something that would benefit them both in the long run?
Credit to Wanstall-Burke, she points this out in a Lidan chapter, “The woman wanted her daughter to be the heir, but without risk-taking or danger, without training or ranging. Lidan knew such a thing was impossible.”
Still, for someone as calculating as Lidan, someone who’s kept herself above water amidst her ambitious co-wives, her failure to accept Lidan’s horseriding struck me as an empty obstacle that doesn’t reflect her character. Then again, I could be overlooking how her culture (different from the clan itself) and background (alluded by the Crone to be quite nightmarish) influence her decision to restrain her daughter. Anyway, moving on to the other PoV character, who gets roughly an equal number of chapters.
Quick to swear and even quicker when thinking on his feet, RANOTH the Black Prince, (no, not Edward of Woodstock) is the firstborn son of an autocratic duke far away from the lands of Lidan’s clan. But being a noble scion isn’t all waltzes and harps. A lot of the time it means battle, and the Orthians have been waging war against the Woaden “long before they were even a dirty thought in their fathers’ minds.”
Even though Ranoth and Lidan are worlds away from each other, the inverses and parallels between their characters create a bond of sorts. In terms of inverses, Lidan wants desperately to be a hero whereas Ranoth thinks those shoes are a few sizes too big and is forced to wear them anyway. Neither character can help who he or she is – Lidan being a girl instead of a clear male heir, and Ranoth being a… well, I don’t want to spoil anything.
Setting details are excellent in some areas and lacking in others. I particularly love the descriptions of the Tolak Range:
“Behind the village, the Caine loomed high, carved by wind and rain to the shape of a wild dog’s tooth, glowing orange in the light of the setting sun. Hummel lay at its base, a settlement where grassland met rock in a collection of a hundred or so grey and brown buildings, stone and timber, most with lilac smoke rising from their thatched roofs.”
The pulley-lift system of elevators in Ranoth’s family palace also intrigued me. I like how Wanstall-Burke used it to help characterize Ranoth’s dad, who challenges himself by walking up the stairs as an alternative. It reminded me a bit of Tywin Lannister’s habit of preparing his own food.
I would’ve liked more description of the urban area that surrounds the palace itself, however. Same with the countryside after Ranoth leaves the palace.
I also enjoyed the undertone of horror conveyed by the monsters that threaten both PoV characters. Called ngaru by Lidan’s clan, they’re, “Black creatures in the forms of men, with weapons of iron…”
Another quote: “The creature’s top lip curled back to reveal a row of broken, decaying teeth with only the ancestors-knew-what wedged between them, rotting there since its last meal.”
The creepiness of the ngaru plus the isolation of Lidan’s clan gave me chills reminiscent of The Village, one of my favorite atmospheric horrors.
My main complaint is the pacing. Lidan’s chapters seem to slog along the plot points. Whenever something big does happen, the consequences never really inflict longterm effects. Meanwhile Ranoth’s chapters seem to jog along by contrast (fair, given the subject matter/tension), and sometimes I wish the author woulld slow down in spots to supply detail (as with the city mentioned earlier).
Lastly I think this novel could’ve used a few more rounds of edits. I highlighted the crap out of the first few pages because I liked so many of the excerpts, but the quality of the prose kinda dwindles and plateaus after a while. It’s still fine, but not as good as the promise made in the first few pages. For example there’s some spelling errors:
“…her mother’s distain for Farah and her father’s disregard of Sellan’s wishes…”
And repetitions:
“Sellan never made threats—she made promises.”
“Her mother never made threads, only promises.”
But overall I think this series if off to a promising start. 3.5 Stars.
June 29, 2019
Writing About Swords, Bows, and Other Weapons in Fantasy and Historical Fiction (Phrase Sheet/Brainstorm Aid)
It’s important to understand how different weapons are used. You can’t hack someone’s head off with a fencing blade and slashing with a double-handed axe would tire you out. Here’s the three main classes. Some weapons can do two, but I’ve yet to see a weapon to be capable of all three:
1. Slashing/Cutting/Slicing
. unable to cut through hard objects
. curved weapons, often slender and sharpest on outer edge
2. Thrusting/Piercing/Stabbing
. targets gaps in armor to pierce vital organ
. weapons often straight, thin; may be lightweight
3. Cleaving/Cleaving/Hacking/Copping/Cutting/Splitting
. broad, heavy, solid weapons held with both hands
. aims to hack of a limb then decapitate or split the skull
. generally slow
PARTS OF WEAPON
Ricasso (unsharpened length of blade just above the guard or handle)
Ribbon of steel
Curves of deadly steel
Knuckle guard
Sword-hilt
Crosspiece/crossguard (bar of metal at right angles to the blade)
The shell of his hilt (fencing sword)
Quillions (an arm of the crossguard of a sword)
Haft (handle of axes usually)
From point to pommel
Head from haft
HANDLES/DECORATION
Red-hafted war axe
“Lion-pommeled dagger” (George RR Martin)
“Elric fingered the raised runes on the hilt of his black broadsword” (Michael Moorcock)
Short-handled cleavers
“She had handles of ash wood, one either side of the sword’s tang and over the years the twin handles had become polished and smooth. Such worn handles are dangerous. In battle they can slip in the hand, especially when blood is splashed on them”
Ivory-handled rapier
“Hilt was ivory, carved with a spiral pattern”
“Studied the hilt, which was carved from the hard black wood of Syrian terebinth.” (Steven Saylor)
“pearl-handled fruit knife”
A sword with a silver-chased guard
Silver-hilted sword
Jewel-hilted
Jewelled knob
Snakes coiling handle of dagger
A silver knife, its handle cunningly wrought like twining vines
S-shaped quillions
Gold and bone hilt
“Its grip was white leather, its pommel a rose in alabaster” (George RR Martin)
Feathered spear/tasseled spear
BLADES/BLADE CONDITION
Thin-bladed
Broad-bladed sword
Wide-bladed sword
Black-bladed dagger
Leaf-shaped short sword
Serpentine dagger
A serpentine blade as long as his forearm
Wavy-bladed
Curved and tapered at the elevated end like a slice of melon
Slender blade/knife
Double-edged dagger
Serrated falchion
Sawtoothed
Notched sword
“Square-section stilettos, the kind engineers and artillerymen carry, with a scale of inches engraved on the blade” (KJ Parker)
“Drawing second sword, its blade etched in prayers as were my own” (Devin Madson)
“The sword… Ceda had never seen one so close in daylight. It looked like a sliver of night, a thing hidden from the sun’s eye.” (Bradley Beaulieu)
“The blade was silver-green and in its surface one could sometimes glimpse a swathe of twilit sky, or the colossal trees of some primordial forest, as though the sword itself were a window to another, older age.” (Nicholas Eames)
“Most swords smelled like iron, or oil, or else they didn’t smell at all, but Vellichor wafted like a spring breeze, rife with the scent of flowering lilacs and fresh green grass” (Nicholas Eames)
“The blade itself had a milky quality to it, as if someone had just breathed on the steel and paused before wiping off the condensation. Below the seeming haze were tiny arcs and lines, slightly darker than the rest of the steel, running throughout the blade. Black Isle steel, forged at the monastery of the same name, renowned for its strength and near-legendary ability to hold an edge. It was the best steel that money – or anything else, for that matter – could buy.” (Matthew Woodring Stover, Acts of Caine)
A design of vine leaves etched on the blade
Spears oval blades (heavy)
“bronze-tipped spears”
“Leaf-shaped spearhead”
Two-pronged spear
“Spears can be tipped with metal (bronze or iron), with stone (knapped flint), with anything else at hand (bone, glass shards), or, at a pinch, simply have one end sharpened to a point.” (Rayne Hall)
Double-headed great axe
“Bearded blade of her axe”
Axehead
Double-axe
“Unicorn-headed mace”
Nail-studded club
SHIELDS
“round shields could be domed or conical in section; such shields were fitted with a pair of rope or leather handles attached separately at each end to rings fixed into the body of the shield” (Osprey Publishing on Byzantine Cavalry)
Hide shields
“The best shields are made of lime, or else of willow”
Round, iron-bound willow with a big bronze boss
small round shields belted to their opposite forearms
“Shields bore some strange device”
Oblong shields
Warboard
Shields often consist of wooden frames covered with leather, hides or metal. (Rayne Hall)
Curved shield
Leaf-shaped shields
Figure-of-eight shield
“He bore a tower shield of black and white cowhide edged with bronze”
Tower shield
Buckler
“Both men carried shields, but they had stripped the leather covers from the willow boards so that the shields bore no device, thus declaring themselves to be masterless men for hire.” – Bernard Cromwell
Old archers’ shields, big wickerwork screens behind which two bowmen could shelter
pavis/Pavaises (a large shield covering the whole body used especially in siege operations to protect crossbowmen and sometimes carried by a pavisor before a knight or archer)
BOWS
“Point of interest by the way, any bow that’s been laid up in the rafters for twenty years and never strung, like Ulysses’ bow was supposed to have been, would have snapped like a dry twig long before you could get a string on it” (KJ Parker)
Arbalest (a crossbow with a special mechanism for drawing back and releasing the string)
Flatbow
Longbow
Recurved bow
Composite bow
Steamer for steaming the limbs of a bow into recurve
Bow made out of buffalo ribs
It’s the best timber for bow-making (osage), better than yew or hickory or ash or elm (KJ Parker)
“One of those flimsy Egyptian pieces of a real Phrygian bow of horn wood and leather?”
Wax their strings
Strings soggy, fletchings wet, and these bows break for a pastime in the damp
He unhitched his bow and ran the string through his forefinger and thumb to wring the water out
“The short bow of Wales, drawn to the breast, not to the arm”
Bowcase
ARROWS
Gull-fletched shaft
Black-feathered arrow
“His arrows were fletched with grey goose feathers”
“Quiver of arrows fletched with hawk feathers”
Short reed arrows
Flight arrows with purple fletchings to identify them as the chief’s own
Was buried in horse manure up to its blue and white duckfeather fletchings
“At Garthan Hold, training arrows have sandbag heads.”
“Archers did not carry the quivers that hunters used, for quivers were open at the top and their arrows could fall out when a man ran or stumbled or clambered through a hedge. Arrows in quivers got wet when it rained, and wet feathers made arrows fly crooked, so real archers used linen bags that were water-proofed with wax and sealed by laces. The bags were bolstered by withy framed that spread the linen so the feathers were not crushed.” – Bernard Cromwell
POOR CONDITION
Blade pitted from rough use
Dagger with a chipped blade
Rust-splotched
“The sword he’d been given by the Guild rattled in its scabbard, rust flaking off the metalwork” (Richard Ford)
SHEATHED/CARRYING WEAPONS
Fleece-lined scabbard
Scabbard, made of bamboo wrapped in silk
“Baldric: a belt for sword or other piece of equipment worn over one shoulder and reaching down to the opposite hip”
Swords wrapped in oilcloth (to keep them sharp)
“He wore an elaborately crafted belt decorated with gold and gems from which hung a curved dagger”
Sword harness
“Its hilt was a span and a half, wrapped with sweat-stained leather, pommel a plain steel knob”
“Scabbard rode his left hip”
Hung at his side
“Dagger worn on the belt make it a symbol of male virility. In many cultures and periods, men demonstrated their manhood by displaying ornate daggers at the front of their hips, the bigger, the better.” (Rayne Hall)
“Short swords and daggers belted at their sides”
I pulled the knife from my forearm sheath, covering the motion to prevent any stray glint of light
Into a sheath on the arm of his jacket
Rapier slapping at my side
Sollis ran them twice around the field at full speed, the unfamiliar weight of the swords making them sluggish
Turned to face her more directly, the scabbard of his bastard sword dragging across the rug
Shields hung at our sides or on our backs
Crossbow slung at his saddle
“Sentries making his rounds, his wooden club on his shoulder”
“To make climbing easier the sword would not be thrust through the belt, but carried over the shoulder with the blade edge up and the handle near the left ear” (Osprey Collection on Ninjas)
A dagger can also be concealed in the back of the bodice or in a hair ornament….can pretend to twist her necklace anxiously, or to fidget with her hair, and quickly draw the blade.(Rayne Hall)
Putting his thumb behind the guard of his sword and shifting it out half an inch so they could see it.
Shoved his sword into his scabbard
WEAPON TYPES
Sidearm (weapon such as sword, revolver, bayonet worn at side)
There’s no clear distinction between knives and daggers; sometimes both words are used for the same weapon. In general, the dagger is designed mostly for thrusting and the knife mostly for cutting [slashing] (Rayne Hall)
Knife of bone and iron
“What items are within reach? If the attack happens while she’s sitting at a desk, she may grab a letter opener” (Rayne Hall)
Meathook
Billhook (“This was originally an agricultural tool, a hook-shaped blade for clearing brush. Adapted as a weapon, the billhook has a long handle, a long sharp spike as a tip, and a pronounced hook/blade which serves to pull and cut the enemy’s legs and ankles.”) (Rayne Hall)
Mallet | Cudgels | Flails | Truncheon
Smith hammer
Shoeing knife
“* A pointed key can inflict damage if held so the sharp tip pokes out between the fingers of a balled fist.” (Rayne Hall)
A woodcutter’s axe
Dirk | Pocketknife | Carving knife
Shortsword
Broadsword
Knout (a whip used for flogging)
Fishing spear
“Spears are cheaper than swords, which makes them suitable for equipping large armies” (Rayne Hall)
“A fighter who is skilled with a staff can grab a broomstick or a garden hoe and use it as a staff.” (Rayne Hall)
Falchion (a broad, slightly-curved sword with a cutting edge on the convex side)
Glaive (sword, usually a broadsword)
Poleaxe (axe with very long handle; like a halberd)
Longaxes
Hand-claws
Dueled with blunted longswords
Singlestick (fighting or fencing with a wooden stick or sword held in one hand; also the weapon used)
the kusarigama, the combination of a sickle and chain, The chain had a weight on the end and could be flung to halt at a pursuer. The attacker would then drag him off his feet and kill him with the sickle blade. (Osprey Collection on Ninjas)
Gaff ( a stick with a hook, or a barbed spear, for landing large fish)
Knobkerrie (a short wooden club with a knob at one end used as a missile or in close attack especially by Zulus of southern Africa)
WEIGHTED
Heavy and not well balanced Lead-weighted war axe
“Told him that after a while, a soldier can’t walk properly without that three-pound weight on his left hip; you feel unbalanced, as though one leg’s suddenly become an inch shorter than the other”
“A heavy sword, weighted toward its tip. A slashing weapon, not a piercing blade”
MISC
“a sword could also be used in climbing a wall, because the strong iron sword guard could provide a step if the sword was leant against a wall” (Osprey Collection on Ninjas)
DISCLAIMER: None of the longer excerpts belong to me. The intention here is to get your brain jogging, not directly insert quotes into your work.
FLYING DUTCH by KJ Parker/Tom Holt (Book Review)
[image error]
After I found KJ Parker/Tom Holt over a year ago, I’ve read any of his works I could get his hands on – witty epic fantasy, Greco-Roman historical fiction, and now humorous fiction with FLYING DUTCH. On Goodreads I noticed folks negatively contrasting this work from Terry Pratchett. I think it’s unfair to use Pratchett as a yardstick here, especially since Holt never made any claims that he rivaled the works of Discworld. Plus the plot of Flying Dutch seems less like Pratchett and more like something straight out of Captain Underpants.
Cornelius Vanderdecker (aka the Flying Dutchman) and his crew have lived over three centuries thanks to drinking the elixir of immortality prepared by Fortunatus Magnus. Only it comes with a catch – an ailment that brings to mind the curse of the Black Pearl in Pirates of the Caribbean: Vanderdecker and his men give off an odor so noxious that they get run out of every port on the globe. Only once ever seven years does the odor wear off enough for them to interact with civilization. Having failed to lift the curse with nuclear experiments, Vanderdecker and his crew must seek out Magnus and learn his recipe for deodorant strong enough to dispel the curse.
See what I mean about Captain Underpants?
Besides using clever phrases and Tom Holt elevates the sophomoric straits of Vanderdecker in a very KJ Parker fashion. By introducing an accountant.
Aside from tongue-in-cheek humor and clever wordplay, Tom Holt elevates the sophomore straits of Vanderdecker with the character of Jane Doland:
““I am an accountant, she said to herself, working mainly in banking. Why is it that, whenever I remember this fact, I want to scream?”
“She was enough of a realist to know that… [accounting] was probably the only… [career] she was likely to have, what with the vacancy of Princess of Wales having been filled and so many O-Levels being needed for pearl-diving these days.”
““Nevertheless, Jane said to herself as she walked through the door of the bank. When trying to cheer herself up, she never got further than nevertheless, but it was worth giving it just one more go.”
Yes, Jane hates her job. But she does it well. Well enough to investigate the life insurance policy of a customer who’s lived for over three centuries, impossibly enough. This lands her in trouble with her superiors, who tell her all about Vanderdecker and how his life insurance policy not only threatens to bankrupt the company, but perhaps the world itself.
It’s up to Jane, blessed without a sense of smell, to board the Flying Dutchman and talk Vanderdecker out of his policy. All the while, he’ll stop at nothing to track down Fortunatus Magnus.
There’s a nice parallel between the monotony the lives of the two main characters:
“Just as Jane Doland often felt at her most miserable on Tuesdays, because the memory of the brief freedom of the weekend had already faded without bringing Friday appreciably nearer, so it was with the more impatient of Vanderdecker’s command.”
Anyone who enjoyed KJ Parker/Tom Holt’s voice and humor from other works will definitely enjoy this piece. I don’t usually read works set in modernity, but this stood apart as a splendid exception. Here’s a few quotes that will give you an idea of the tone:
“It’s a very, very strange feeling to fall from a greater height, I can tell you, and not something I would recommend to anybody who isn’t employed by the Revenue.”
“The tea came from a device which looked like a knight’s helmet, and generally tasted as if the knight hadn’t washed his hair for a long time.”
“‘We are no longer going to Geneva; instead, we are going to Bridport.’ As the all-too-familiar chorus of groans, complaints, accusations, and other going-to-Bridport noises reached its crescendo…”
[image error]
June 28, 2019
Map of the Upper Khazalate (Fantasy World)
[image error]
Created with Inkarnate. Setting for the book below:
