Joanna Hunter's Blog, page 5

A Healing Space

After struggling to free ourselves from the chaos of domestic abuse—battered in so many ways and worn threadbare—we limp away exhausted and convinced that we never, ever want another relationship. There is no way we will go through all the pain again. 
Consider this feeling a gift. I hear your collective, “What?” Stay with me. When you are determined to never again find yourself with an abuser, a space for healing opens. Our aversion to relationships blocks us from returning to the former nightmare, and keeps us from rushing blindly into a new one. 
While we want to speed further down our life road, leaving the hurt behind, healing has its own timeline that is unique to each of us. The only way to recover is to walk through the pain, feel it, cry it out, let it shake us like a dog with a rag-doll, until eventually it subsides. The tears will stop. Our hearts will mend. A space has opened, An opportunity arises. If we do the work, we are no longer condemned to stay caught up the pattern of violence. 
Afraid to be alone and feeling desperate, weak and helpless (something that has been hammered into a victim by her former partner) a victim may search for someone to come into her life and do a quick-fix. (*) With a snap of his fingers, the perfect family life will appear. The problem is, most often the one eager to take control of the situation is another abuser. He’s searching for someone who is vulnerable. He shows himself as a savior, wanting to help, loving her kids and promising the moon and stars. Yet, it’s all a facade. When a victim looks for a quick-fix, she often finds herself trapped in another violent relationship.
Sometimes a victim who is afraid she may give her heart away to another abuser, closes herself off from any possibility of moving forward. She may fear that if she lets go of what happened to her, she will be hurt again. So traumatized, she tells her story over and over to anyone who will listen. Years of her life can pass as she constantly relives every painful past moment. She’s stuck in her fear.
Both of these reactions are exhausting. It doesn’t have to be that way. There is freedom from the past. Many victims do go on to rebuild their lives and have healthy and happy relationships, some with intimate partners and some without.
The key is to take the time needed to do the work required to recover. I always recommend seeing a therapist trained to provide victims of domestic abuse with the needed tools to move them along the path to recovery. Talking to friends is helpful, but the right therapist can help a survivor feel some relief within a few visits. If the survivor doesn’t feel any relief after three or so visits, she should find a new therapist. (There are therapists who charge on a sliding scale through social agencies.) As an addition or an alternative, a support group through the local shelter or social agency is another economical opportunity for survivors.
Most important, do the work. There is no way around it, no magic fix. You have to roll up your sleeves and get down in the muck. Read self-help books, write in a journal, get involved in activities you used to enjoy and find new ones. Practice trusting your gut. Get reacquainted with the strong marvelous person you are. Catch the negative voice in your head and counter it with positive affirmations. (I wrote affirmations on the back of business cards and carried them in my pocket as a reminder that things were going in the right direction. I also memorized uplifting hymns, and replayed them in my head when I felt overwhelmed and afraid.) Develop a mission statement stating who you want to be. Read it every day and make all you decisions based on achieving that mission.
It isn't an easy journey, but in the end it’s worth it. You are worth it. If you persist and do the work, you only have to do this once to move on to a better and joyful life. When you become whole, you will love and respect yourself and know that you can take care of yourself, you no longer need anyone. Then you are ready to choose to be with a partner who is whole, healthy and respects you. (Again time is your ally to determine who is right for you.) Wholeness a much better place from which to make a life decision than desperation, where you feel you need to have someone, and settle for anyone.
Join me on Facebook to connect with some magnificent survivors, brave women who are doing or have done the work.

( * In this post I use “he” when referring to an abuser and “she” for a victim, since that was my experience. Recognizing that the components of abuse are alike for either gender, I invite anyone reading this post to substitute the proper pronouns.)

The Truth about Power and Control

Most of us who are recovering from a controlling relationship struggled with this truth: Abusers driving force and only desire is for absolute power and control over their victims. So focused on that end, controllers do not see their victims as people who have a right to their own feelings and opinions. Abusers see and experience everything within the context of having to deliberately and systematically battle for control. They are willing to inflict any level of pain to achieve their goal.While in the relationship, it was hard to accept that someone I loved, intentionally did such unkind acts. Especially acts that I didn’t deserve. Because I loved this man, I explained away his violent behavior.  I could not understand why he would resort to unnecessary, violent tactics when I was constantly proving my love for him. Why couldn’t he have said, “I don’t care for pork,” instead of throwing dishes and screaming at me? Why wouldn’t he want to return my love and devotion and live in peace? Why total domination? Why humiliation? Why did he reinterpret even the smallest gesture of love, like bringing him a cup of coffee every morning, as something he demand I do, instead of accepting it as an expression of love? It used to make me want to run screaming, “Can’t you see who I am? These tactics aren’t necessary for me to love you or give you attention.”Abusers don’t see us as we are because we never enter the equation. It is not about us. This brings me to an important tool that helped me understand this dynamic— The Power and Control Wheel.In the 1980’s in Duluth Minnesota, a group of battered women who were attending educational groups through a local shelter developed the Power and Control Wheel. They listed tactics that batterer’s use to control victims. They fell under 8 categories: Using Isolation, Minimizing Denying and Blaming, Using Children, Using Male Privilege, Using Economic Abuse, Using Coercion and Threats, Using Intimidation, Using Emotional Abuse. They also developed a Wheel of Equality depicting the qualities of  healthy relationships: Trust and Support, Honesty and Accountability, Responsible Parenting, Shared Responsibility, Economic Partnership, Negotiation and Fairness, Non-Threatening Behavior, Respect. Duluth's Domestic Abuse Intervention Project uses these wheels in their “Creating a Process of Change for Men Who Batter” curriculum. They are now used widely to help batterers in treatment, victims and others understand that the blame for abuse rests squarely on the shoulders of the abuser. The behavior of controllers is so illogical and cruel that victims (and the rest of normal society) find it difficult to believe that this behavior is focused and deliberate. For those of us who have been there, our healing began when we accepted this truth. The abuse had nothing to do with us. It was all about the abusers sick desire to feel powerful and in control. Unfortunately, it bruised the very core of who we are. We can change that.The Power and Control WheelUsing IsolationUsually the first indication (red-flag) that the relationship is headed in the wrong direction is when the perpetrator begins to isolate the victim. It’s an easy miss, because it starts when the relationship is in the limerence stage, the couple is just beginning to get to know one another. Usually they are spending all their free time together, so excited to have one another. After a while, the victim may begin to express the desire to spend some time with other friends or family. The perpetrator, who believes she is pulling away from him, acts hurt, “Don’t you want to be with me?” “Aren’t I important to you anymore?” While this looks like love, it’s actually the beginning of coercive control. He begins to use her love for him to bend her will to his. It often becomes a game of-who do you love more?-prove you love me by giving up time with your friends or family-prove you love me more than your job, pursued passion, or activity. He points out her friends and family member’s “faults.” If she’s friends with past boyfriends or other guys, he’s hurt, jealous and angry. If she so much as talks to another male it sends him into a tirade. Nothing short of giving up all others will satisfy the controlling partner.Minimizing Denying and BlamingAt the beginning of the indoctrination into the abuser’s world, a victim may still be strong enough to call the controller on his behavior. Immediately, he will minimize, deny and cast the blame on the victim. Telling her she’s too sensitive, his behavior wasn’t that bad then shift the responsibility to her, “If you hadn’t been flirting with that guy at the party, nothing would have happened.” Giving another guy any kind of attention is considered flirting to a controlling partner.Using ChildrenOften controllers use the children by including them in the abuse, “Isn’t Mommy stupid for dropping that cup?” “See how fat you mama is?” Abusers threaten to take the children away if the victim doesn’t comply with all demands or if she tries to leave him. If she’s a stay-at-home Mom, it’s an easy threat, “You could never support the kids, the court will give them to me.” “I have friends who will testify that you are an unfit mother.” These types of statements terrorize the victim into compliance.Using Male PrivilegeThe good old boys club is alive and flourishing when it comes to abuse. Cultural rules support men’s dominance over women. Religious tenets are twisted in faith communities. Media is constantly bombarding young men and women with images of violence and power. Glorifying bad boys while claiming nice guys are wimps. Teaching our young women that they are not perfect as they are but in need of cosmetics, surgery and extreme dieting to be acceptable. All this allows males to see themselves as superior and worthy of unearned respect. They are the kings of their castles and the one who makes and enforces the rules, at a cost to the victim.Using Economic AbuseCoinciding with the male privilege myth, a perpetrator often use economic abuse to hold his victim in the relationship, spouting the myth that men are smarter than women and should handle all finances. Information is power so a controller withholds all financial information from his partners.  The victims has no idea what the total family income is or where it is held. If she is allowed to work, she must turn her paycheck over to her partner, forcing her to ask for money. He holds tight reins on how much money she receives and how she spends it. She has no discretionary funds to do with as she pleases or to stash away so she can leave him.Using Coercion and threatsA violent partner often carries out threats and harms the victim, the children or pets to make the point that he will do heinous things, coercing the victim to submit. Subsequent threats to take the children away, report her to child welfare, kill himself, the victim or children become very real possibilities to the victim. A controller who in involved in criminal activities often force the victim to participate to assures that the victim will remain loyal. A drug dealing partner may withhold dugs from the victim to force compliance.Using IntimidationThe very fact that most often the male is larger, stronger and more physical than a female is causes her to feel intimidated. Menacing looks, pounding holes in the walls, brandishing a weapon, smashing her property and abusing pets and children terrorizes the whole family into obedience.Using Emotional AbuseDestroying a victim’s ego is key in holding the victim in the relationship. If she has low self-esteem, she is less likely to leave and more likely to obey. Name calling and constant criticism is internalized by the victim, causing her to withdraw from others. Crazy-making tactics force her to mis-trust her instincts. Making her feel stupid and foolish keeps her from talking to others. Humiliating or embarrassing her in public, causes her to avoid being in public. These tactics play into the isolation that eliminates any support base she may have had, giving the abuser full control.All these tactics create chaos and fear in a victim’s life. The abuser uses physical and sexual violence to terrorize the victim into compliance, establishing the abuser as the one holding total power and control.Once we step out of the emotionally turmoil, and accept his behavior for what it is—his own choosing—we can begin to put things into perspective and shed the guilt knowing that he and he alone is responsible for his behavior. We are in no way at fault. Every decision he made was his choice. Anyone who can choose to be cruel, can choose to be kind.Most important, we see that we are not stupid, inept, or whatever they called us. We can begin to re-claim our true self.
The Power and Control wheel under the tab above is focused on Men battering women. Next month we’ll look at he Wheel of Equality. If you’d like to download a copy of these wheels for free, please see www.theduluthmodel.org. Wheels for other relationship styes (i.e. teens, same-sex relationships and elder abuse) can be found on the internet. 

Intimate Partner Violence: One Woman's Story

Dear friends of Moving Up On the People Who Deserve Happiness List,This month I am a guest blogger on Rachel Grant’s blog.  See my 4 part series Intimate Partner Violence: One Woman's Story at-- http://rachelgrantcoaching.blogspot.com/2015/06/one-womans-story-inside-world-of_8.htmlJoanna

Every Good Choice Equals Success

We usually define success as that place where we arrive after a lot of hard work. What I've learned is that we are already successful just by setting our sights on a worthy goal and taking the first step in that direction. When you think about it, it makes sense. Every choice we make moves us closer to or away from the life we want. Coming out of a violent relationship, we seek a happier, more fulfilling and peaceful life. We may have a clear vision of what that would look like or we may have only a vague idea. Either way it doesn’t matter, our vision can be developed and tweaked as we move along re-learning who we want to be and what we want to do with our lives?  As we pull our lives together we are often engaged in an exhausting battle with our ex partners over the children and possessions. If we keep our focus only on the struggles it’s draining and easy to give up. If we set a worthy goal for ourselves, one that aligns with our values, we will subconsciously be working toward that ideal. Does that make those daily battles any easier? No. We still have to put one foot in front of the other to deal with the difficult stuff. However, what it does give us is a solid foundation that hold us aloft, hope and expectation for a better future, that light at the end of a long, dark tunnel.What I am suggesting is that while we keep our eyes on our goals let’s also broaden our vision to include celebrating the changes we see in ourselves every day. Every good choice is a success. Every release of an old habit that held us back is a success. As we fill our lives with behaviors and beliefs that aligned with our values, the old detrimental behaviors and beliefs fade away, moving us closer to who and what we want to be. Our self-esteem grows giving us more strength to continue moving forward.Here are some suggestions to help you get started:Write a Mission Statement, an expression of your vision and values. Reflect on what is important to you. Keep it simple, just 3-4 sentences. Use positive statements such as; My home is a safe place filled with peace and kindness, I respect myself and others. Your mission statement can be adjusted as your life evolves. (See my post for 2013.10.01 for more about writing a mission statement.)Create a Vision Board, to support your Mission Statement. On your computer or a bulletin board, collect and post things that bring you joy, words that you would like to describe you, your passions, affirmations that lift you up, and pictures of people you admire. Anything related to your hopes for your future. Put the board where you will see it every day. It will help you keep your focus on where you are going. By doing these two activities, you are already moving in the direction you want to go. The decisions you make from this point on are measured against whether they will move you closer to your plan for your future or away from it. If you are looking for a better job, make a list of the things that light up your soul, your passions. Post them on your board. Let your choices move you in the direction of a job that will align with your passions. Take a night class, computer course or study on your own. Network, get out among people who enjoy the things you do and let them know you are job hunting. Knock on doors. See every “no” as another step closer to  a “yes.”If you are looking for a healthy relationship, list what you have to offer a partner then list the traits you want in a partner and post them on your vision board. As you meet potential partners, keep your eyes open and don’t minimize or explain away the red flags, i.e. rushing you into an intimate relationship, hurting your feelings then calling you “too sensitive.” You’ve pledged to respect yourself. If you feel rushed or disrespected, the relationship is over. Keep your kind heart in check and don’t get hooked into trying to fix someone else's life, this is the time to focus on your own. (You are not being selfish.)Gather a support group around you. People who are positive and up-lifting. People who will call you out in a loving way when you’ve strayed from your path. Those who will meet you where you are and listen more than talk. Ones who let you talk out your struggle until you’ve come up with the best solution.Keep a journal. It’s a great way to measure your success and see how far you’ve come. List all your success. Your first being that fact that you made the decision to leave an unhealthy relationship. Then you actually left, no small feat and another huge success. Now you are learning to let go of the false beliefs and relearning what a remarkable and gifted person you are. Keep a record of all your thoughts and feelings. Review your journal to remind yourself how far you’ve come.This journey is a learning experience. That means there are no mistakes, just redirections. Setbacks will come, use them to reevaluate and tweak your vision. When the “old” behaviors try to take over, congratulate yourself for recognizing them and celebrate that fact that you no longer let them control you. Trust your vision to direct your path as the life you are meant to have unfolds.Take a moment right now to celebrate your successes. Let’s happy dance!

Fifty Shades of Grief

I read Fifty Shades of Grey to see what all the hype was about. I have to say that I found it disturbing. I have no argument with adults exploring their sexuality in whatever manner they agree upon. What concerns me is the message this book sends to young men and women-teens.The book doesn’t depict a loving, healthy relationship but manipulating games. I don’t want young girls or guys thinking this is what sex is about. Healthy sex is so much better then the grief that comes from trying to live up to someone's demands. I’d hate to have teens think they have to be like these characters to be desired by another. In my opinion, great sex happens when two willing partners come to the encounter and each is as concerned about the other’s pleasure as they are about their own. That doesn’t occur in this book. Anastasia is manipulated into the relationship. She’s an innocent who is teased by Christian, baited, coerced and made over into who he wants her to be. She lives in constant fear of his wrath. She may have baled early on in the relationship if her friend didn’t keep telling her how hot he is and lucky she is. This is a common occurrence in violent relationships. Outsiders don’t see the dark side of the abuser only the facade. Victims don't want to admit how afraid they are.It’s hard to end teen dating violence when the media glamorizes bad boys, the ones who are cold, withhold love and feel entitled to have everything their way. These are red flags we want our teens to recognize and walk away from. Like Anastasia, women are drawn in because their compassionate hearts wants to heal the guy’s pain. She cannot. While hope that he will change holds her in the relationship, she is not the one who needs to do the work to change him. That’s his job. If he’s not willing to do it, he will not change. One of the biggest emotional shackle for women is that he often claims to want to change but can’t without her help. This is a lie to make her feel in control of his healing and stay. It’s his responsibility to work on his false beliefs and the many issues that cause his behavior. If he doesn’t, there will be no change.Teens should know that in a healthy relationship both partners are willing to share who they are and how they feel and those feeling are respected. Like Anastasia, to be denied the pleasure of caressing and pleasuring your partner is denying you the enjoyment of expressing your love. Just because there is an orgasm, doesn’t mean the sex is healthy. He may know the mechanics to bring her to orgasm, but without a loving two-way relationship sex is hollow. How she feels after the encounter is important. Healthy sex brings you closer and fills you with joy. Mechanical sex leaves you empty. Lack of connection heaps unhealthy baggage on a partner by someone with a ton of his own. A woman doesn't need to start her sexual journey with someone who skews her understanding of what a healthy and mutually satisfying relationship is.This book is fantasy. As adults we’ve been around the block enough to know fantasy from reality. I am concerned that young, inexperienced women will rush into experimenting with fantasies before they’ve built a trusting relationship with their partner. When fantasizing, you are in control of the situation. When another person is introduce into the fantasy, you are no longer in complete control. Having a partner that plays fantasies out with you is great; within a safe relationship where either can say “stop” at any time and know he or she will not be ignored or rejected for doing so. Playing out a fantasy with someone who is not trustworthy can be deadly.Our teens are inundated with sex and stereotypes. Chances are your teen has already read the 50 Shades series. That’s why it is so important that you talk with your kids about healthy relationships and sex. You can use the 50 Shades books or the movie to point out the unhealthy and dangerous parts of the relationship. It may not be an easy conversation to have, but it’s important for your teen's safety.

Girl Claims Beating is Proof of Love

Dr. Phil aired an interview with an 18 year old girl who gives dating advice to others using Youtube. Seems she is very popular with younger girls. Deadly serious (deadly is the appropriate word here) she stated that a girl should be grateful if her boyfriend beats her. Why? Because he was taking his time to teach her how to behave better as his girlfriend. It means he loves her. Furthermore, she said he was investing his time and money in her so she should be grateful. In a later Youtube video she claims she broke up with the guy because he didn’t beat her hard enough so she didn’t think he loved her.Yes, she really said the above. Worse yet, the first video received over 5 million views. With all the information out there on teen dating violence, it’s shocking to hear this. I’m sure that you are just as angry and horrified as I am at this girl’s misinformed, outrageous comments. There are so many wrong ideas included in her statements that I don’t even know where to begin talking about them. Let me try. She believes:He only hits her because he loves her. Someone who loves you would never deliberately inflict pain on you.His time is more important than hers. In her opinion, her time or pain wasn’t important enough to consider. She’s accepted a step down position in the relationship. In healthy relationships each person has equal value.He is entitled to make the rules for their relations. In healthy relationships each partner is as concerned for the other’s happiness and well being as they are for their own.Her assigned job is to be who he wants her to be. In healthy relationships partners are free to be themselves and are encouraged to pursue their passion in life.His opinions are more important than hers. In healthy relationships each partner’s opinion is respected even if it differs from the other’s opinion.  He has a right to hit her if she displeases him. In healthy relationships partners never inflect pain, humiliate, call each other derogatory names or intentionally hurt the other in any way.He is entitled to have everything the way he wants it. In healthy relationships, disagreements are negotiated. One person doesn’t not always have to kowtow to the other.She should feel lucky and grateful that he chose her as his girlfriend when he could have had anyone he wanted. In a healthy relationship each partner thinks they are the luckiest one and treats the other with care.Dr. Phil, in his straight forward style, challenged her thinking, asking how she felt telling very young girls (who seem to be her biggest fans) something that could cause them serious harm? By this time I was on the edge of my sofa cheering Dr. Phil on. The girl steadfastly clung to her beliefs. She insisted that these guys love their girlfriends because by beating the girls, the guys risk going to jail. Dr. Phil outed her on the fact that she took a few thousand dollars from the guy to not prosecute him for battery. It was no surprise when she walked off the show. (You can see excerpts and a transcript from this show at drphil.com. Air date January 28, 2015.)Was she just looking for fame? Most likely. However, the information she was willing to share is dangerous to our impressionable kids. To fight this sick thinking, we have to continue to get the word out to our teens, girls and boys. Relationships are based on mutual trust, respect and kindness. Someone who loves you wants you to pursue your passion and be all that you can be. They will be your greatest cheerleader as you are theirs. Jealousy, hitting and name calling have no part in a healthy relationship.Each person is responsible to create a life using his or her own gifts and talents. When they choose to be together, their lives overlap creating a space where they nurture and build a solid relationship based on shared values, honesty, trust, love and respect. One partner’s life should never absorb and dissolve the other’s life. No one needs a partner to complete them. They are already whole.It’s never too soon to start talking to your kids about dating violence and healthy relationships. Teach them the components of a healthy relationship so they have a measuring stick when they begin dating.February is Teen Dating Awareness Month.

A Ceremony of Gratitude

Since fall, 3 women who were pivotal in my life passed away. Two were in their mid 80s and my mother was 96. Vastly different women, but all gave me gifts that made me who I am today.Alice passed away first. She was a mother of 5. Loved each child like a rock. Always had a pot of something good on the stove and made room for any extra folks that tagged along come dinner time. When I was in her presence, I felt loved as a part of her family. She was fun and playful, always had a sparkle in her eyes. She and her husband were a team and very much in love. I wanted to have a big heart like her. I wanted my children to know that I loved them like a rock. It was during a 4th of July party at her house that my former husband blew up at me an outed himself as an abuser. It was she who stood up to my spouse and protected me.My mother passed away a few weeks after Alice did. She’d had a difficult early life and wasn’t a touchy-feely kind of mother. In spite of her pain, she focused on the good things in her life and was always quick to tell one of her funny life stories. I also learned from the sayings she was always quoting: You can catch more flies with honey than vinegar. What ever you do— give it 100%. If someone doesn’t like you—kill them with kindness, you’ll either win them over or drive them crazy. She was the one who told me it is never okay for a man to hit a women—never. (That became my touchstone to what I’d put up with when it came to abuse. Now I know that abuse is much more than hitting.) She taught me to be kind to others. When I needed her most, she was there.Helen was my sister-in-law’s step-mom. When my former husband took me away from my family, we moved to the area where Helen and her husband lived. She was stylish, feminine and strong. She managed a department of a store. Having been raised feeling I was mousy and unattractive and having a spouse who saw me as a millstone around his neck, my self image was in the dumpster. But Helen made me feel intelligent, beautiful and feminine. She saw things in me that no one else had ever recognized. Characteristics that I hoped I’d developed. She made me feel worthy.Distance and timing of notification prevented me from attending the funerals of my dear friends. My mother, who had outlived her peers, had insisted that she didn’t want anything more than a graveside service. Thinking about these three women I needed more than a phone call or lowering of the casket into the ground. I needed a recognition ceremony, one that acknowledged their cherished place in my life. I gathered three candles together and set them on my prayer/meditation table. As I lit one for each of these unique women, I thanked God for them, for the lessons they’d taught me and especially for their love and encouragement at my most difficult times. I looked at pictures, remembering their gestures, smiles, laughs. Gratitude filled me. It was a holy moment.It wasn’t much of a ceremony but it was enough to ease my heartache, acknowledge them and say goodbye. We often think ceremonies have to be overseen by a faith leader. They don’t. We can create our own.Here on the cusp of a new year, I'm thinking a ceremony that celebrates the joys from 2014 and releases the sorrows. Maybe you'd like to join me in spending a quiet moment reflecting on all the blessings received this past year. Then spend time unpacking the painful stuff so we don't carry it into 2015.I count you all among my cherished blessings. Wishing you a joy-filled 2015.

In the Children's Best Interest

We all know that divorce doesn’t end the struggle with controlling spouses. (I hear your collective, “No, duh.”) The power struggle and control continues after divorce and the pawns most often used to needle one another are the children. In many cases an ex is trying to control his former partner through the children. It’s the most tender area an abuser can attack a mom. Many victims stay with the abuser so that he doesn’t have the children alone, she’s there to protect them. While I understand this (did it myself,) I would not recommend staying with a violent partner.Children are wounded when they live with abuse. I know that it feels like the court system’s understanding of family violence is moving ahead at the speed of a snail. Laws need to be honed or established in many states to protect kids. My hope is that we will come to a time when courts listen to qualified people who assess every situation and recommend what is in the best interest of the child when it comes to custody and visitation.  Many Mom’s have mentioned that they feel the continuous custody issues are a game their ex is playing with them. As a controlling person, he’s trying to rack up wins for himself and losses for her.  Power struggles like this are at the expense of the children’s well being. I suggest mom’s change the way they view the situation to prevent them from getting sucked into his game. If you’re dealing with this problem, consider thinking differently. The next time you get a request/demand for adapting or adjusting your child's time or activities, instead of feeling it’s another opportunity for your ex to “score one” against you, ask yourself: Is this opportunity in the best interest of my son/daughter? Let your answer to this question be your bottom line. The controlling person can think what they want. You have no control over that. What’s different is that you know in your heart you are making the right decision for you child. (However, if the request is to take your child out of the country and your gut says that he may not return, trust your instincts and block the request.)Be gracious where you can. If your ex has signed your child up to play a sport, musical instrument or other activity that may infringe on some of your time with you child or be inconvenient for you, cooperate for your child’s sake. Take your child to practice. Go to the games or events and cheer the loudest. Varied activities are important for a well rounded education. Anything that feeds you child’s spirit is a win for him or her.Your ex may never reciprocate and agree to your requests for adjustments to visitation, but you will have done the right thing. Your child will notice. I’m not suggesting that you give on every issue. Work through the courts where needed, ease up where you can. Kids should not have to deal with adult problems. Let them be kids. It takes a lot of pressure off them to know that you are handling and protecting their wellbeing. If you are making decisions and judgements on behalf of you children’s best interest, you will no longer see requests as a power struggle between you and your ex. Your focus is where it belongs, on your children. You are refusing to play your ex’s game. It will take the emotional charge out of it for you, and the winners are your kids.There is another power struggle to avoid. During this season it's worth mentioning. Often the ex is in a financial position to give more “stuff” to the children. Remember, kids don’t care about stuff. Granted, in their teen years having the same stuff their friends have does seems important to them. However, kids won’t remember who gave them what -- they will remember how you made them feel. Give your kids your time, attention and love. That is the most valuable gift you have to offer. The only one that matters.
I wish you peace and joy this holiday season. May the coming year be filled with happy surprises.

A Chuckle And Wink Won't Explain Away Bad Behavior Anymore

Because Ray Rice punched out his then girlfriend, now wife, Janey, I think that the NFL as well as others have learned that “boys will be boys” stated with a chuckle and wink won’t excuse abuse anymore. The brutal behavior in the elevator has brought domestic abuse to the forefront. That’s the only good thing about it. I’ve not written much about this incident. Been waiting to see how it played out. The incident has continued to fill the headlines. People debating the roll the NFL should have in disciplining the player. The contract includes a code of conduct that is meant to keep a black eye off the NFL. If they are serious about that, they need to prevent black eyes and other injuries to the partners and children of the players. The best way to prevent abuse is to educate employees. Some may need batterer’s treatment, others, awareness training. Sounds like the only educating they’ve done so far is to teach victims to stay silent.The more survivors willing to come forward reduces the chance that domestic abuse will be swept under the carpet like gun control was after the death of so many children, innocent bystanders and police officers. There are no deep-pocketed lobbyists protecting abusers. Or are there?Think of the pressure put on Janey as a result of this incident- the NFL would like to down-play what happened so it can go away and they can get back to playing the game, not to mention smooth things over so that sponsors won’t pull out. The NFL has huge amounts of money to loose, and Ray, his career. So they look to Janey to make herself responsible for the whole mess. She’s in a no-win situation. If she files charges, he will hate her and possibly make her pay for destroying his career (in the abuser’s mind his bad behavior is his partner’s fault.) The league will make her the scapegoat, blackballing her and painting her as the one at fault.Former wives of NFL players are coming forward to report how the league had drawn them into a cult-like existence where what happens in your home stays in your home. Women were expected to buck up and put up with violence or affairs to protect not only the player, but the whole team and the integrity of the NFL. If they didn’t play nice, they were booted into poverty.If nothing else, the Ray Rice incident has shown how this behavior has been cultivated but will no longer be accepted. Other sports clubs are reevaluating their codes of conduct. I’d call that a step forward. Now we need the legal system to prosecute perpetrators, no matter who they are. Big money has managed to trump that in the past. It’s time to put the blame where it belongs— the abuser ruined his own career, not the wife who came forward to save herself and children. I’m glad to see victims rape and abuse speak out with a new strength, no longer afraid that they won’t be taken seriously. Still, they are met with stupid comments and myths like:“These claimants are just jumping on the bandwagon, out for money.” Really? Most of these cases are past the statute of limitations. “They are seeking to become a celebrity.” Seriously? Why would anyone declare themselves victims of abuse when there is such a stigma attached? Unfortunately, there are easier ways to become a celeb these days, but that’s another blog.“They just want to make trouble.” Once again, victim blaming. Those who perpetrated the violence made this happen. “It’s a family matter. We don’t interfere.” If Ray had punched someone on the street, wouldn’t he have been arrested and charged? Why should battery laws only apply if the victim is not his partner or child? Why should celebrities be above the law? “She must like it, she stays. She could just leave.” Seriously, who would welcome being terrorized and punched in the face? Women stay for many reasons, mostly they feel trapped and terrorized. Leaving is the most dangerous time for victims and children. When they leave, they are 70% more likely to be murdered. See my post Why Women Stay or Return to Abusers from January 9, 2011 for a better understanding of this issue.“She said it was her fault. She antagonized him.” We covered this in the paragraph about the pressure put on Janey. Victims live in such fear that they will do anything to make peace. Including accept the blame and marry the perpetrator. After all, he’s been telling her all along that he wouldn’t hit her if she didn’t make him so angry. Anything short of taking responsibility for the incident could cost the victim her life. “She hit him first.” The difference between an man’s and a women’s punch is usually about 100 pounds (in the case of a football player- 200 pounds.) As a large man, he could have easily restrained her to protect himself. Instead he chose to punch her out. When Janey hit Ray he was not afraid for his life. When a man hits a woman, she’s afraid for her life. I’d call that a huge difference. Let me make it clear— no one needs to be hitting anyone. 
Ray Rice’s bad behavior has given us the opportunity to educate society and get rid of the ridiculous and dangerous beliefs. We need to keep this conversation going. No matter how many times we must respond to these archaic myths, we have to keep repeating the truth until everyone gets it. No sweeping it under the rug. Violence is not okay. 

What Victims of Domestic Violence Want Their Faith Leaders to Know

As members of your faith community, we see you as persons of integrity. By your teachings we know you to be wise and insightful; unbiased and fair; nonjudgmental and kind. You are the ones who remind us of what is important in life and of our own intrinsic value. Knowing this, you are the ones we come to seeking wisdom, truth and direction when we feel afraid, lost and alone.On average about three women die every day in the Untied States at the hands of the men who profess to love them. You are in a unique position to help save victims. As victims/survivors, this is what we would like you to know.Should one of us show up in your office and say, “My husband is a good man. He works hard to provide for us but I’m a terrible wife. I can’t make my husband happy no matter how hard I try. I should know how but don’t. There is something terribly wrong with me. I’ve done everything I know how to do yet I can’t seem do anything right. I am a horrible, stupid person. A failure. I don’t know who else to turn to. I am here because I respect you. Help me be a good wife. Tell me how to make things better. Please don’t tell my husband I’ve come to see you, it will upset him.”Would you know that what she is really saying is:My husband (who may be a pillar of the church and highly respected in the community) is controlling and always angry with me. He screams at me and tells me I am stupid and worthless. That I deserve nothing and am lucky he keeps me around. My job is to do his bidding. If I don’t do it quick enough or to his liking, he punishes me. He is inconsistent in his requirements so I never know for sure exactly what I need to do to meet his standards. In the end, I rarely succeed. Then he will either scream at me or physically brutalize me. I have no money because he doesn’t allow me to work (or if I work, he takes my paycheck.) He doesn’t tell me anything about our financial situation. He accuses me of spending too much on myself, groceries and clothing for our children. Help me find a way to stay with him and end the abuse. I’m afraid that I can’t make it on my own. Coming here is dangerous for me. If you tell my partner about this appointment he will verbally and physically abuse me. I’m afraid that he might kill me.Shocking, yes. Approximately 30% of women in the United States exist in, at least, verbally abusive relationships. Chances are one of us will come to you, broken and desperate. Would you know how to identify me as a victim and how to help?As a faith leader, you can not only help by guiding me to organizations that can partner with me, but you are also in a unique position to help me with my spiritual questions. Listed below are suggestions on both of these fronts:If I show up with physical injuries encourage me (or take me) to the ER. Assure me that no one will contact the police or my husband unless I give permission (or because they are required by law to report life-threatening injuries.) Some injuries (i.e. strangulation) can result in death several hours (or even a day or two) after the incident occurred. In some states you are a mandatory reporter of suspected lethal violence. Know the law in your state. Have a procedure in place.Take seriously my fear of the perpetrator’s retaliation. He may appear to be the kindest member of your worship center — believe what I tell you, anyway. Trust that I know the abuser best and what the abuser is capable of doing. Acknowledge that this is a high-risk time for me, especially if I am minimizing the situation. It’s better to be overly cautious. Search the internet domestic violence sites for “safety planning” information. Use those materials to help me consider what I can do to stay safe until I am ready to leave.Attempting to do couple’s counseling or talking with my partner behind my back can be dangerous for the me and for you. It’s hard for people who have not been up-close and personal with abuse to understand how terrifying and dangerous it is for the victim and anyone who interferes in the perpetrator’s “business.”  Consider what will happen after a couples counseling session where I have disclosed my partner’s bad behavior to you in front of him. While he may seem calm and contrite as we leave your office, rage is building inside him. When we return home he will take his fury out on me in a violent way. Therapists trained in dealing with domestic abuse agree that the best route is for the perpetrator to go into batterer’s treatment (not anger management, which is a different treatment) while the victim sees a therapist trained to work with victims of abuse.Don’t tell me to just leave my partner. This is a very difficult and complicated decision for me. There are many reasons why that may not be possible at this time. I have to leave in my own time-frame, when I feel ready. A women’s shelter or therapist trained in domestic abuse counseling can help me.Allow me to express my mixed feelings about the relationship. It’s not unusual that victims are torn between staying and leaving. While it’s a no-brainer for you, for me years of mind control and scare tactics kept me fearful and bound to the abuser. On average, it takes 7 attempts to leave before the victim stays out of the relationship. Be nonjudgmental if I chooses to stay with my abuser. Let me know your door is always open.Tell me it’s not my fault that he treats me this way. My partner is telling me that it is my fault and I believe him. See, if it’s my fault, I have some control and can change my behavior so things will go back to the way they were when we first met. I will twist myself into a pretzel to make that happen. Help me see that abuse is a choice my partner makes and that nothing I do is so awful that I deserve to be harmed.Tell me that this isn’t: My cross to bear. Karma for some terrible thing I did in a previous life. Something I have to endure because I made my bed, now I have to lay in it. Explain that my partner broke our covenant to love and cherish each other and I am released to leave. That God will understand. I take my vows to God seriously.Assure me that God loves me and wants me to be safe. Just like I want my children safe and happy.Teach me how a man should treat his wife according to God’s law. Clarify the submissive wife passage from Ephesians in the Bible. Show me what the Bible or our faith teachings say regarding how a man should treat his wife. Also clarify any passage or teaching that my partner may use to justify his behavior. Assure me that all men are not like this.Direct me to those who can teach me how to be safe now and how to safely get my children and myself out of the situation when I am ready. People who can help me negotiate the court system. Have the phone numbers for the women’s shelter hotline, domestic violence advocates, police, etc. on hand. Offer to let me call from your office.Encourage me to see a therapist who know how to work with victims. Have the contact information for a few of them.Help me grieve:The fact that I cannot make my partner change. I fell in love with the man he pretended to be. If he could be that way then, why can’t he be that way all the time?The dreams that I had for my life with him. Help me move toward understanding that those dreams will not happen with this person. That I can have new dreams that can come true.Teach me how to pray about my situation. I’ve prayed to be a better wife and for my partner to change. He hasn’t. I don’t know how to pray about all this. Why should God listen to me? Tell me why God let this happen to my children and me. I carry a huge amount of guilt about what my children are going through as a result of my choices. Please don’t add to that guilt. Don’t let me lean on you in inappropriate ways. I am hurting and extremely vulnerable. It is you job to keep our relationship healthy and proper. I’m terrified to stand on my own two feet. Refer me to agencies that can help me take back my power and move forward.Should you suspect that I am using drugs, alcohol or other addictive behaviors to numb the pain, please direct me to help.You are an important part of my recovery. I may feel angry with God for putting me through this. I may feel I’ve let God down. Since my faith is very important to me, your help sorting through my questions will strengthen my faith and remind me of God’s enduring love for me.Thank you.