Divya Mohan's Blog, page 2

How can I help my child empathise with others?

As a parent, have you been in a situation where your child wouldn't share his/her belongings with other kids? My daughter wouldn't share any of her belongings with other children whom she met in our neighbourhood. She would also take away others’ belongings. She would cry, shout and scream if we asked her to return them. I was worried about this behaviour of hers and wondered how I can help her share and be kind to others. When she started going to the daycare, her educators pointed out that this is a normal behaviour for children. But, I saw that there were children at the other end of the spectrum too. They would selflessly and happily give away their toys for other kids to play. I wondered what these children had in their mind that could help them exhibit this behaviour. I found my answer by researching and talking to people. The key was Empathy. I realised that feelings of love, kindness, sharing and caring stems from Empathy. What is Empathy? Empathy implies that we are able to imagine what somebody else is feeling, then respond in a caring manner that’s human and brings comfort over an ill feeling. Empathy is a skill. We propagate it with application. Most kids between 3-8 years can discern that others have intuition and feelings that are different than theirs, and that actions and words can have an impact on the emotions of others. Is my child too young to learn about Empathy? Kids begin to grasp empathy when very young. A fact is we’re all born with the cognitive mechanism to learn it. Newborns, for example, will cry when other newborns cry, and they can show signs of sadness or curiosity when their parents appear sad - albeit they don’t understand what’s happening. Beginning from the age of three, it is attainable to speak to them concerning imaginary scenes: How would you feel if someone took away your candy? How do you think a friend will feel if they had their toy taken? These conversations will enable the budding toddlers to perceive that others, just like they, have their own emotions. Between the ages of 5 to 8, children would begin to learn that people tend to have emotions completely different from theirs within the same scenario. Someone could be frightened of things they are not frightened of, someone could be irritated by things that don’t trouble them. It’s at this age that we are able to begin to show kids to use empathy rather than instinctive emotional responses in various situations. When is the right time to talk about Empathy with a child? When my little girl gets angry, she gets very rude and she starts beating and shouting. She says things like “I do not like daddy anymore”. To talk about it, I choose a time later on in the day. I describe the situation and I ask her, “if you were daddy how would you feel”. She promptly replies “sad”, and gives her explanation. We then have a healthy dialog and I ask her if she wants to apologise. Almost always, she wholeheartedly goes to say sorry and gives a big hug to daddy. The key here is finding the right time to talk about the situation. The child needs to be calm and relaxed. I usually spend the time just before going to bed - it has now become a routine. My daughter would be settled after her bedtime story. She knows that at this time I would either talk about some of her good deeds or some things that she could improve on. She is open to listen and I have her complete attention to talk about empathy and other topics. Repeating such conversations with the child helps him/her understand and think of other’s perspective. Over a period of time, they would put themselves in someone else’s shoe more often to understand the other person, handle situations better and build strong social relationships. Here is a story book that shows how the reaction of a child could change when he or she empathises or looks at a situation from someone else's perspective.

How can I help my child empathise with others?

My daughter would not share any of her belongings with other children whom she met in our neighbourhood. She would also take away others’ belongings. She would cry, shout and scream if we asked her to return them. I was worried about this behaviour of hers and wondered how I can help her share, care and be kind to others. When she started going to the daycare, her educators pointed out that this is a normal behaviour for children. But, I saw that there were children at the other end of the spectrum too. They would selflessly and happily give away their toys for other kids to play. I wondered what these children had in their mind that could help them exhibit this behaviour. I found my answer by researching and talking to people. The key was Empathy. I realised that feelings of love, kindness, sharing and caring stems from Empathy. What is Empathy? Empathy implies that we are able to imagine what somebody else is feeling, then respond in a caring manner that’s human and brings comfort over an ill feeling. Empathy is a skill. We propagate it with application. Most kids between 3-8 years can discern that others have intuition and feelings that are different than theirs, and that actions and words can have an impact on the emotions of others. Is my child too young to learn about Empathy? Kids begin to grasp empathy when very young. A fact is we’re all born with the cognitive mechanism to learn it. Newborns, for example, will cry when other newborns cry, and they can show signs of sadness or curiosity when their parents appear sad - albeit they don’t understand what’s happening. Beginning from the age of three, it is attainable to speak to them concerning imaginary scenes: How would you feel if someone took away your candy? How do you think a friend will feel if they had their toy taken? These conversations will enable the budding toddlers to perceive that others, just like they, have their own emotions. Between the ages of 5 to 8, children would begin to learn that people tend to have emotions completely different from theirs within the same scenario. Someone could be frightened of things they are not frightened of, someone could be irritated by things that don’t trouble them. It’s at this age that we are able to begin to show kids to use general principles of empathy rather than instinctive emotional responses. When is the right time to talk about Empathy with a child? At times when my little girl gets angry, she gets rude. She starts beating and shouting. She says things like “I do not like daddy anymore”. I choose a time later on in the day, to talk about it. I describe the situation and I ask her, “if you were daddy how would you feel”. She promptly replies “Sad”. She also gives her explanation and we have a healthy dialog. I then ask her if she wants to apologise. She wholeheartedly goes to say sorry and gives a big hug to daddy. The key here is finding the right time to talk about the situation. The child needs to be calm and relaxed. Their complete attention is required. I usually spend the time just before going to bed. It has now become a routine. My daughter would be settled after her bedtime story. She knows that at this time I would either talk about some of her good deeds or some things that she could improve on. She is open to listen. However, I would skip this conversation on days when she is too sleepy. Repeating such conversations with the child helps them understand and think of other’s perspective. Over a period of time, they would put themselves in someone else’s shoe more often.

What did success and failures teach you? Read this story of how Value Buds came to life

As a child, I was a rebel. I wanted to be the best at everything I did. I worked very hard to compete and I did succeed. My parents always encouraged me and spoke highly of me. I got a lot of attention from people around. But all these happened at a cost… At times when I did not succeed, I lost my self esteem. Furthermore, if someone did better than me, I used to feel jealous and left out. As I grew up, I started meeting several people who were better than me at a lot of things. I realised that I couldn’t be the best at everything. I started looking for ways to excel but only struggled with more pressure, stress, anxiety and depression. I had begun to feel lonely without attention. That's when I started looking for wisdom to improve my feelings. I read and listened to inspiring people. I realised that my feeling of loneliness was not caused by the world around me, but it was caused by cravings of my own mind. I started training my mind to feel good about myself and people around me, irrespective of successes and failures. I started using my successes and failures to reflect on and understand my strengths and weaknesses. I used values and techniques like gratitude, respect and empathy while dealing with people. I improved my self esteem, began to value relationships and started feeling amazed by what people do. I changed my perspective towards life by constantly reminding myself of human values. I wish I had learnt this wisdom to feel good earlier on in life. I created Value Buds with the intention of encouraging children to understand and practice these priceless human VALUES, at a young age, so that they are equipped to face any challenge in life. My dream is to see children grow up FEELING INSPIRED to dream big and achieve their dreams - without being affected by ill feelings like jealousy, depression or loneliness. Early childhood is the time when a person learns the most. Why not learn and practice Values that helps develop positive attitude to life? I'm an author, a self publisher, a business analyst, a software engineer and a full time working mom, living in Melbourne, Australia. My purpose is to add a little value to someone’s life every single day.