Constance Daley's Blog, page 3
September 13, 2012
Mothers, Teach Your Daughters
Young women in this country are growing up in the horrible position of having mostly bad sex for most of their early sexual experiences. This is a problem our society needs to address, and there are two ways to go about it. One is to teach young men to be better lovers, but I find this solution fairly intractable. It's just not going to happen on its own. The second solution could work.
Mothers, you need to teach your daughters that sex is something that should be enjoyed. If the man they are having sex with isn't bringing them pleasure, they need to give him an ultimatum. Either he learns how, or they get a new man. Right now girls are growing up looking for men to be handsome, kind, and rich, and these are not bad qualities for a man to have. But honestly, if he can't make you come, you're not going to be happy.
I'm speaking from experience. I had my share of bad sex back in the day, especially when I first became sexually active. The men I dated had no particular interest in my pleasure, and sex was as much a duty as anything else. It was expected of me, and I allowed it to be expected of me. Sex should never be a duty. It is something to be enjoyed. I don't want other women to spend years discovering something on their own that should be taught to them.
The old canard about men being unable to find the clit has always baffled me, because it implies that women can't find it either. After all, it's not difficult to point out to him once you know where it is. It's not tucked away in some baffling location, it's basically right in front of you, so there's really no excuse for failing to locate it. Girls, if your boyfriend can't find it, just show him where it is. If he still can't find it then kick him to the curb, he's obviously not really looking.
I'm sure a lot of women find the idea of talking up good sex to their daughters objectionable in some way, likely because there is an innate fear that their daughters will be more likely to have sex if they are raised to believe sex is a good thing. Maybe they will be. I tend to think that if you teach them to respect themselves that they'll likely still wait till the time is right, but I'm willing to grant it might lead to unforeseen consequences. But to me it's as simple as this: would you rather your daughter have good sex too early, or bad sex too late?
Mothers, you need to teach your daughters that sex is something that should be enjoyed. If the man they are having sex with isn't bringing them pleasure, they need to give him an ultimatum. Either he learns how, or they get a new man. Right now girls are growing up looking for men to be handsome, kind, and rich, and these are not bad qualities for a man to have. But honestly, if he can't make you come, you're not going to be happy.
I'm speaking from experience. I had my share of bad sex back in the day, especially when I first became sexually active. The men I dated had no particular interest in my pleasure, and sex was as much a duty as anything else. It was expected of me, and I allowed it to be expected of me. Sex should never be a duty. It is something to be enjoyed. I don't want other women to spend years discovering something on their own that should be taught to them.
The old canard about men being unable to find the clit has always baffled me, because it implies that women can't find it either. After all, it's not difficult to point out to him once you know where it is. It's not tucked away in some baffling location, it's basically right in front of you, so there's really no excuse for failing to locate it. Girls, if your boyfriend can't find it, just show him where it is. If he still can't find it then kick him to the curb, he's obviously not really looking.
I'm sure a lot of women find the idea of talking up good sex to their daughters objectionable in some way, likely because there is an innate fear that their daughters will be more likely to have sex if they are raised to believe sex is a good thing. Maybe they will be. I tend to think that if you teach them to respect themselves that they'll likely still wait till the time is right, but I'm willing to grant it might lead to unforeseen consequences. But to me it's as simple as this: would you rather your daughter have good sex too early, or bad sex too late?
September 12, 2012
Try It You Might Like It
I'm a little different than most people when it comes to sex. I guess that should be expected or I wouldn't be writing the types of stories I do. But what makes me really different is I don't have a kneejerk reaction to things. I believe in giving everything a try. I don't mean physically, just mentally. And I don't mean everything. I'm not talking about things like pedophilia. But anything that you could do with another consenting adult should be on the fantasy table.
It is easy for us to be dismissive of the fetishes of others. I used to be that way too. But at some point I realized that we all have fetishes, and there isn't much that separates the ones we like from the ones we don't. So now I do my best to at least try to imagine something before I dismiss it. Sometimes that goes poorly (I just can't get past the smell factor for certain fetishes) and sometimes it goes well (maybe the idea of pegging is a little hot).
The key is recognizing that your fantasy limits can be way different than your real limits. There are things that are incredibly sexy to read about that you would never go near in real life. For some couples, any type of adultery fits that bill. There is nothing wrong with fantasizing about men other than your husband. There is nothing wrong with reading stories about sleeping with the hot personal trainer at your gym. But when you can no longer separate fantasy from reality, you have problems. In a healthy relationship you should be able to share your fantasies with your partner because that's all they are, fantasies.
I'll grant that I'm not perfect, and that I need a little realism thrown into stories when I read them. Anytime a man just rams it in a woman's ass with no lube, I cringe. I just don't see why the writer can't take a few seconds to acknowledge biological reality on that one. The anus isn't self-lubricating, and the lubing process can be pretty sexy in and of itself. Some people might think that in a story where a man is just taking what he wants then that's a little different, but then I just wonder if it would actually be any good for the man either. I'm as guilty of overthinking as the rest of the world, even when I try not to be.
So I'm encouraging all my readers to not be so dismissive of another persons' fantasy. Try it on for yourself, spin around in front of a mirror a few times, and see if it fits you better than you thought. Expanding your fantasy universe is a good thing.
It is easy for us to be dismissive of the fetishes of others. I used to be that way too. But at some point I realized that we all have fetishes, and there isn't much that separates the ones we like from the ones we don't. So now I do my best to at least try to imagine something before I dismiss it. Sometimes that goes poorly (I just can't get past the smell factor for certain fetishes) and sometimes it goes well (maybe the idea of pegging is a little hot).
The key is recognizing that your fantasy limits can be way different than your real limits. There are things that are incredibly sexy to read about that you would never go near in real life. For some couples, any type of adultery fits that bill. There is nothing wrong with fantasizing about men other than your husband. There is nothing wrong with reading stories about sleeping with the hot personal trainer at your gym. But when you can no longer separate fantasy from reality, you have problems. In a healthy relationship you should be able to share your fantasies with your partner because that's all they are, fantasies.
I'll grant that I'm not perfect, and that I need a little realism thrown into stories when I read them. Anytime a man just rams it in a woman's ass with no lube, I cringe. I just don't see why the writer can't take a few seconds to acknowledge biological reality on that one. The anus isn't self-lubricating, and the lubing process can be pretty sexy in and of itself. Some people might think that in a story where a man is just taking what he wants then that's a little different, but then I just wonder if it would actually be any good for the man either. I'm as guilty of overthinking as the rest of the world, even when I try not to be.
So I'm encouraging all my readers to not be so dismissive of another persons' fantasy. Try it on for yourself, spin around in front of a mirror a few times, and see if it fits you better than you thought. Expanding your fantasy universe is a good thing.
September 11, 2012
In Defense of Fifty Shades of Grey
I know what some of you are thinking. Why would a lowly newbie erotica writer bother writing a defense of the best-selling book on the planet? The reason is simple. I don't much care for the treatment the book is getting from the erotica literati.
To be up front, I'm not a huge fan of Fifty Shades of Grey. To see why you can check my previous blog post. I think most of the criticisms of the book are at least somewhat fair. I don't think it's particularly well-written or well-plotted, nor do I think the sex scenes are particularly hot or that it is a good representation of the BDSM community. By now some of you are wondering how this is a defense of the book when I don't have much positive to say about it. The answer is simple: it gets women thinking about sex, and about different types of sex.
Much is often made of how prudish American society is, and there is validity to this criticism. So when a book comes along and has everyday women even giving a second thought to things like dominance and submission, I think it's a great thing. I think one of the best things 50 Shades has going for it is that it isn't an accurate representation of BDSM. I think an accurate depiction would scare off most women by page fifty. For all intents and purposes, 50 Shades is a romance novel with slightly kinkier sex. And that's an okay thing to be.
The worst thing that might happen to an erotica writer because of 50 Shades is someone new might buy their book. And you know what, if all the naysayers are the amazing writers they seem to think themselves, then that person who bought one of their books is likely to buy all of them. And if one of those books includes a truer representation of the BDSM community then great, 50 Shades led them there anyway.
We live in a world where many women have never used a vibrator, where many women never masturbate, where many women never orgasm during sex, and we're worried about whether or not a book that might help a few women do some of those things is a work of literary genius. It's time for everyone to get off their high horses and recognize that the whole point of what we do, at least to my mind, is to help people come. If 50 Shades is doing that, then it's the best book of the last fifty years.
Consider this an open letter to the erotica writing community. If I read your book and am impressed by your vivid images and rhapsodic prose, then congratulations. But if I'm still not turned on, then you've failed. My whole goal in reading a story of that type is to get wet, to get horny, and eventually to get off, either with my husband or one of my trusty toys. Because even the best books I've ever read, and I've read a lot of great books, are not as good as the best orgasms I've ever had.
I know what some of you are thinking. Aren't you the same Constance Daley whose website bears a declaration that we all need to stop reading poorly written smut? Of course I am. Can't a girl have it both ways? Seriously, the poorly written smut I am referring to is a great deal different than 50 Shades. There seem to be a lot of ebook authors who dump trash on the market, books with basically no editing where it is difficult to follow the action because of grammatical errors. I have no use for these books because their authors obviously have no use for them other than trying to steal the reader's money. And they give other ebook authors such as myself a bad name. I encourage all readers to use the Look Inside feature on Amazon before buying to make sure that the author at least bothered to do a little proofreading.
To be up front, I'm not a huge fan of Fifty Shades of Grey. To see why you can check my previous blog post. I think most of the criticisms of the book are at least somewhat fair. I don't think it's particularly well-written or well-plotted, nor do I think the sex scenes are particularly hot or that it is a good representation of the BDSM community. By now some of you are wondering how this is a defense of the book when I don't have much positive to say about it. The answer is simple: it gets women thinking about sex, and about different types of sex.
Much is often made of how prudish American society is, and there is validity to this criticism. So when a book comes along and has everyday women even giving a second thought to things like dominance and submission, I think it's a great thing. I think one of the best things 50 Shades has going for it is that it isn't an accurate representation of BDSM. I think an accurate depiction would scare off most women by page fifty. For all intents and purposes, 50 Shades is a romance novel with slightly kinkier sex. And that's an okay thing to be.
The worst thing that might happen to an erotica writer because of 50 Shades is someone new might buy their book. And you know what, if all the naysayers are the amazing writers they seem to think themselves, then that person who bought one of their books is likely to buy all of them. And if one of those books includes a truer representation of the BDSM community then great, 50 Shades led them there anyway.
We live in a world where many women have never used a vibrator, where many women never masturbate, where many women never orgasm during sex, and we're worried about whether or not a book that might help a few women do some of those things is a work of literary genius. It's time for everyone to get off their high horses and recognize that the whole point of what we do, at least to my mind, is to help people come. If 50 Shades is doing that, then it's the best book of the last fifty years.
Consider this an open letter to the erotica writing community. If I read your book and am impressed by your vivid images and rhapsodic prose, then congratulations. But if I'm still not turned on, then you've failed. My whole goal in reading a story of that type is to get wet, to get horny, and eventually to get off, either with my husband or one of my trusty toys. Because even the best books I've ever read, and I've read a lot of great books, are not as good as the best orgasms I've ever had.
I know what some of you are thinking. Aren't you the same Constance Daley whose website bears a declaration that we all need to stop reading poorly written smut? Of course I am. Can't a girl have it both ways? Seriously, the poorly written smut I am referring to is a great deal different than 50 Shades. There seem to be a lot of ebook authors who dump trash on the market, books with basically no editing where it is difficult to follow the action because of grammatical errors. I have no use for these books because their authors obviously have no use for them other than trying to steal the reader's money. And they give other ebook authors such as myself a bad name. I encourage all readers to use the Look Inside feature on Amazon before buying to make sure that the author at least bothered to do a little proofreading.
September 10, 2012
Answers To Ken Levine's Questions
I have been wanting to start a blog for awhile now, but have been a loss when it comes to where to start. Luckily for me, Mr. Ken Levine decided to help me along by posting a series of questions for erotica writers on his blog. http://kenlevine.blogspot.com/2012/09.... Here are the questions along with my answers. Unfortunately, I may not be the best to answer these questions. I'm still a newbie.
How do you avoid cliches? I honestly don't give a thought to cliches one way or the other. If the cliche fits the scene I wouldn't hesitate to use it, but I don't compile a list of the things and try to incorporate them. I believe that cliches can have a certain degree of usefulness, mostly in the fact that they are familiar to people, and some level of familiarity can help a particularly extreme sex scene be a little more relatable. I do always ask myself, is this a cliche because it happens to so many people that it's an accepted aspect of our lives, or is it a cliche because of its inherent ridiculousness. The first have their uses, and honestly so do the second in the right circumstances.
Is it possible to write a sexy novel without using the word throbbing at least once? Though I'm yet to write a sexy novel, I've written enough short stories to add up to the length of a novel, and I've written more sex scenes than any novel is likely to include. Strangely, throbbing isn't one of my go to words. I'm mostly indifferent too it. I also don't really like to use the word member. Really, my go to word for the male sex organ is cock. Dick is okay (as a word, as a thing it's pretty fantastic), but cock is just so much more masculine. I like cunt better than pussy, but I think pussy fits most sentence constructions better (and pussy lips sounds so much better than cunt lips). My go to word is spasming, even though the program I use for my writing refuses to accept spasming is a word. I like my sex a little more wild. Throbbing to me is like a heartbeat. It's too even in its beating for my taste. I prefer the wildly irregular feel of spasms. So if you read a bunch of my stories, you might get awfully tired of reading about spasming cocks and spasming cunts. I'm an erotica writer though. I think throbbing is more a romance writer thing.
Comedy writers rarely laugh at what they've written. Do romance writers get turned on by their work? This is a tough question, because it has a two-fold answer. While writing certain scenes I definitely get turned on. I think that's one of the ways you know the sex is working. If you're not at least a little turned on, why would your readers be? On the other hand, writing is a craft, and you don't want to get so wrapped up in your own arousal that you neglect properly describing what is going on. During the editing and post-editing process it's a different matter entirely. Sometimes when I'm editing my stuff, I'll realize that I need to go back over the scene because I got so caught up in reading it that I probably breezed right past grammatical errors and typos. I find post-coital editing to be perfectly effective. You're still aroused enough to really feel the scenes, but you have the patience to give the editorial side its due diligence. To me I know a story really worked after I've finished reading it if I think about it later when I'm horny.
Do editors give you a lot of notes? I don't get the types of notes Mr. Levine describes, such as substituting one object for another (could she use a butterfly vibrator instead of the wand?) or even substituting one orifice for another (I really think it should go in her ass now instead of her mouth), but the small editorial crew that helps me out doesn't hesitate to recommend wholesale story revisions if the mood just doesn't seem right or if the character just doesn't fit the sex. Some stories have had to be rewritten from the ground up after a nice long discussion with my editor. Also, more than a few stories have been scrapped altogether after my editors have discovered some intrinsic flaw that I somehow missed. Sometimes a fantasy, though wonderfully delicious in my head, doesn't have the backbone to be a story.
Do you need to get in the mood? I tend to have a lot of projects going at once, which is easy to do with the length I work with (no double entendre intended there). This allows me the luxury of only writing sex when I feel like writing sex. If I'm writing a story and get to the good part, but discover I'm just not really in the mood to write it, I move on to something else. Some days I'm in the mood all the time, and I can write multiple sex scenes in one sessions. Some days I enjoy the task oriented process of plotting. I know it may not seem like there's a lot of plotting involved in erotic shorts, but I promise you that setup and payoff still matter a great deal.
At what point do you realize that imagery is not your friend? Honestly, when it comes time to write about fucking, I'm ready to write about fucking. I can get very wrapped up in whose doing what to who and forget about anything but the play-by-play, but then I remember that I'm writing erotica and not porn. It's very important to know the ins and outs of what's happening, but description matters too. To me, describing what the character is feeling is what matters, much more than what the images of what they are seeing. In most my stories it is up to the reader what the characters look like because I want to put them in a sexy situation and let them dictate the cast.
What do you think of FIFTY SHADES OF GREY? Is this a trick question? Honestly, I thought it was a pretty fun read, though it trended a little too much to the romance and away from the sex for my tastes. Also, and this is probably just a personal issue, I thought the transition from virgin was too fast. But my biggest problem was the alpha not being alpha enough. When it gets to the point where Christian tells her he's going to fuck her mouth, I was screaming with excitement. But then she takes control and gives him a good old-fashioned blowjob with no mouth-fucking at all. There's nothing wrong with a blowjob, but if I'm reading about a man who takes what he wants, but then every sex scene seems to be more a negotiation than anything, I'm a little disappointed.
How do you avoid cliches? I honestly don't give a thought to cliches one way or the other. If the cliche fits the scene I wouldn't hesitate to use it, but I don't compile a list of the things and try to incorporate them. I believe that cliches can have a certain degree of usefulness, mostly in the fact that they are familiar to people, and some level of familiarity can help a particularly extreme sex scene be a little more relatable. I do always ask myself, is this a cliche because it happens to so many people that it's an accepted aspect of our lives, or is it a cliche because of its inherent ridiculousness. The first have their uses, and honestly so do the second in the right circumstances.
Is it possible to write a sexy novel without using the word throbbing at least once? Though I'm yet to write a sexy novel, I've written enough short stories to add up to the length of a novel, and I've written more sex scenes than any novel is likely to include. Strangely, throbbing isn't one of my go to words. I'm mostly indifferent too it. I also don't really like to use the word member. Really, my go to word for the male sex organ is cock. Dick is okay (as a word, as a thing it's pretty fantastic), but cock is just so much more masculine. I like cunt better than pussy, but I think pussy fits most sentence constructions better (and pussy lips sounds so much better than cunt lips). My go to word is spasming, even though the program I use for my writing refuses to accept spasming is a word. I like my sex a little more wild. Throbbing to me is like a heartbeat. It's too even in its beating for my taste. I prefer the wildly irregular feel of spasms. So if you read a bunch of my stories, you might get awfully tired of reading about spasming cocks and spasming cunts. I'm an erotica writer though. I think throbbing is more a romance writer thing.
Comedy writers rarely laugh at what they've written. Do romance writers get turned on by their work? This is a tough question, because it has a two-fold answer. While writing certain scenes I definitely get turned on. I think that's one of the ways you know the sex is working. If you're not at least a little turned on, why would your readers be? On the other hand, writing is a craft, and you don't want to get so wrapped up in your own arousal that you neglect properly describing what is going on. During the editing and post-editing process it's a different matter entirely. Sometimes when I'm editing my stuff, I'll realize that I need to go back over the scene because I got so caught up in reading it that I probably breezed right past grammatical errors and typos. I find post-coital editing to be perfectly effective. You're still aroused enough to really feel the scenes, but you have the patience to give the editorial side its due diligence. To me I know a story really worked after I've finished reading it if I think about it later when I'm horny.
Do editors give you a lot of notes? I don't get the types of notes Mr. Levine describes, such as substituting one object for another (could she use a butterfly vibrator instead of the wand?) or even substituting one orifice for another (I really think it should go in her ass now instead of her mouth), but the small editorial crew that helps me out doesn't hesitate to recommend wholesale story revisions if the mood just doesn't seem right or if the character just doesn't fit the sex. Some stories have had to be rewritten from the ground up after a nice long discussion with my editor. Also, more than a few stories have been scrapped altogether after my editors have discovered some intrinsic flaw that I somehow missed. Sometimes a fantasy, though wonderfully delicious in my head, doesn't have the backbone to be a story.
Do you need to get in the mood? I tend to have a lot of projects going at once, which is easy to do with the length I work with (no double entendre intended there). This allows me the luxury of only writing sex when I feel like writing sex. If I'm writing a story and get to the good part, but discover I'm just not really in the mood to write it, I move on to something else. Some days I'm in the mood all the time, and I can write multiple sex scenes in one sessions. Some days I enjoy the task oriented process of plotting. I know it may not seem like there's a lot of plotting involved in erotic shorts, but I promise you that setup and payoff still matter a great deal.
At what point do you realize that imagery is not your friend? Honestly, when it comes time to write about fucking, I'm ready to write about fucking. I can get very wrapped up in whose doing what to who and forget about anything but the play-by-play, but then I remember that I'm writing erotica and not porn. It's very important to know the ins and outs of what's happening, but description matters too. To me, describing what the character is feeling is what matters, much more than what the images of what they are seeing. In most my stories it is up to the reader what the characters look like because I want to put them in a sexy situation and let them dictate the cast.
What do you think of FIFTY SHADES OF GREY? Is this a trick question? Honestly, I thought it was a pretty fun read, though it trended a little too much to the romance and away from the sex for my tastes. Also, and this is probably just a personal issue, I thought the transition from virgin was too fast. But my biggest problem was the alpha not being alpha enough. When it gets to the point where Christian tells her he's going to fuck her mouth, I was screaming with excitement. But then she takes control and gives him a good old-fashioned blowjob with no mouth-fucking at all. There's nothing wrong with a blowjob, but if I'm reading about a man who takes what he wants, but then every sex scene seems to be more a negotiation than anything, I'm a little disappointed.
