Cat Williams's Blog: Things Cat Says...

Happy February!

It's my Birthday this month and I'm turning 55. Lots of things on my mind, but mostly trying to figure out how I'm going to get through this last semester of classes...and then, Comps. After that, it's onward to finishing my Dissertation and...hopefully...Dr. Cat. *smile*

That will be a fun thing to put on my books: Dr. Cat Williams.

I need to start writing again. I am actually about halfway through a second book for TIAF: Unit Zodiac and have started and written an outline for another book in the same universe, but different characters. But, with all of the school work and everything...I just don't have the brain power to actually write for myself.

I know, it's frustrating for me, too. But, I have an end goal and I need to see that through...then, I can get back to writing for the enjoyment of writing. Sadly, that has to take a back seat to finishing this Doctorate. After it's done...THEN...the kid gloves come off and I am going to flood the world with my stories. *smile*

Until then...keep the faith...I haven't forgotten...

It's Been A While...

Just checking in and checking up. Covid has taken a great deal out of all of us and we're all, as Philip DeFranco would say, "Emotionally Exhausted."

I finished my Master's Degree. Published my Thesis, which is titled: "Public Order and Social Control Through Religion in the Roman Republic."

I am currently working on my PhD. in Ancient History and Spring of 2022, I finish my last two classes...ever. Then...it's Comps Prep...and gearing up for that achievement.

After that, it's all Dissertation work.

And in the mean time, I am writing again. I lost my writing "bug" as it were for a while. I didn't want to do it. Now, I'm ready to get back to the keyboard and write something amazing. Here's hoping it works out.

Happy New Year, Everyone! Remember, Life is an Adventure, Live It!

And...How Have You Been?

Hello everyone!

It's been a while since I wrote a Blog Post, but life has been (as you well know) very...interesting...the last several months.

For myself: I finished my Master's Thesis and graduated with my Master's Degree in Ancient History.

I have begun my Doctoral Program and I am looking forward to furthering my study of Ancient Roman rituals, sacrifice, punishment, torture, and execution as religious public order and social control in the Republic Era (before the Empire, for those who don't know...which, you do, but still...)

Of course, during all of this, Covid hit and I have been slowly going stir crazy. As I posted in my last Blog Post back in October (yeah, almost a year ago) I live in a house full of Introverts - I am not an Introvert. They are all doing pretty much okay with staying home and not being social...because they're not the most social people anyway. *laughs*

Me? I am a social creature. I love hanging out with friends discussing research and history and games and books and football and whatever else we can come up with to talk about...and I can't do that right now.

What I miss the most, however, is being on Campus. All of my classes are online and the class that I am a Teaching Assistant for is online and, so, I don't have to leave my house...and I miss that.

I miss the camaraderie. I miss the discussions about history and events. I miss bouncing ideas off of people who can and WILL critique my off the wall ideas and theories and bring me back down to this planet long enough to gain a perspective on what I am doing in my research.

But, I would rather everyone be safe, so I understand why these precautions are being done. I wear my mask where ever I go. I limit my "out of the house" time. And I do what I have to do to keep my family, my friends, my colleagues, and my students Covid free.

I have been writing a little here and there...not much. I still need to finish TIAF Book 2. Maybe if I can buckle myself down, I can get it done by the end of the year - but I also have two Seminar papers and some articles to write, as well.

The main thing is that I need to pace myself. And in the process - make sure that I take care of me, too. You know...actually do that whole self-care thing that my hubby goes on and on about.

Anyway...I will start blogging again and writing more and maybe...just maybe...if we all take care of each other...we'll get through this mess of a year semi-intact.

Stay Safe! Wear Your Mask! And Remember:

Life is an Adventure! Live It!

Depression - From the Outside Looking In

It took me a lot of courage to share this….because it is intensely personal for me….

I have seen many people write on “What It’s Like To Suffer From Depression”….

I see a lot of that…and I’m glad that it’s out there. I WANT it out there. That discussion / sharing / healing NEEDS to be out there. It has saved countless lives and every day it saves another.

But, I’m going to add something to the conversation….I’m going to tell you what it’s like to NOT have Depression…and live with those who do….(at least, from my own personal experience. Everyone else’s experience is going to be different….but, I hope you’ll understand.)

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As someone who lives with two people battling depression…let me tell you…it’s not easy. I watched and supported my wonderful husband of 35 years go through it and now I am watching my beautiful 28 year old daughter deal with it.

Here’s what it feels like to be on the outside looking in: Helpless, Frustrating, Lost, Infuriating, Sad….because there is nothing in the world that I can do to fix this. You love these people SO much…and there is nothing in the world you can do to fix the issue. You just have to be there…support them…love them…and not give up on them.

And believe me…not giving up is one of the hardest things in the world. By year 2 or 3, you’re sitting there looking out the window one day and looking at the world outside….and wondering why you’re still inside? Why are you not out there enjoying the sunshine, doing things, going out and living a life - going to the movies, to a restaurant, seeing friends, going to the bookstore, the game store, places with other people and conversation that doesn’t make you feel like you’re helpless - instead of sitting at home with someone who never wants to leave the house…because they can’t, they won’t, they don’t? But, they don’t want you to go either…not really, even if they say “go ahead…I’ll be fine”…they don’t want you to leave them…because you are one of the few last solid points in their life.

It comes to the point where not doing things becomes normal…not stepping outside of your house unless you have to for work and grocery shopping becomes normal. You start to avoid being around other people…even though you desperately need to be around other people…because its no longer part of your “normal”. You don’t do a lot of things because it is no longer part of your “normal”.

This isn't to say that they don't have "Up" days where they DO want to go out and do something and be around other people. And those days are awesome, because they are a glimpse of the person you know is underneath the Depression. But these days are not your new "normal". They are treasures.

Your “normal” is now doing whatever it takes to attempt to keep the low points in your loved ones depression to a minimum. Your “normal” is looking forward to days that they can motivate themselves to do something more than sit in front of a computer screen or television…and want to do something else. Your “normal” becomes maintaining a lifestyle that THEY need…rather than for what YOU need. And your "normal" is doing everything in your power to not "rock the boat" and send them spiraling....no confrontations, no arguments, no negativity.

But you do it…you do it for them…because you love them…and you support them…and you refuse to give up on them no matter what. And then…if you’re lucky…one day…they come out of it. Not always…but sometimes…my hubby did. And now he has his Master’s Degree in Social Work at Baylor University to work with his fellow Veterans, specifically those who suffer with PTSD and TBI.

He still has bouts of Depression that he deals with, but it is no longer a ruling factor in his life.

And I continue to support and love my beautiful daughter, a Navy Veteran herself, as she struggles through dealing with her depression. And believe me, she fights it because she knows that it is not how she wants to be. She's not giving up on herself and I’m not giving up on her….because I love her…and I will always love her and I will never give up on her.

And let me tell you, watching the people you love fight this battle is not easy, because you are on the sidelines and are not able to actively enter the war. You're the Support and Supply Unit - you're there for them because they need to you to be...even when they're pushing you away and telling you that they hate you and you don't understand what it's like to be them. And you DON'T understand...because you don't have to fight the same fight that they're fighting. You're fighting a completely different fight - one that is important to the war, but not in the war itself.

You are fighting to keep your loved one on an even keel, while at the same time, keeping yourself on an even keel. You're fighting to support them through all the downshifts...while maintaining yourself at the same time. And some days...when it is really bad...and believe me, there are some really bad days...you are fighting to not give up and walk away. (There are times when pure Irish Stubbornness comes in handy, let me tell ya!)

And the whole time...you are fighting an enemy that you can't see, don't understand, and who is ravaging the person you love in ways that don't make sense to you...and there is little to nothing that you can actually do other than be there, support them, and take on a new "normal" in your life...but, you do it...because you love them and you are not giving up on them.

So, yes...I am glad that there is a lot of attention being given to "What It's Like To Live With Depression..." - but realize that there is another side to this story and, for me, at least, that’s what its like to be on the outside looking in…just in case you were wondering…..

If There's A Book You Want To Read...

The Literary World was saddened recently with the loss of one of the most remarkable voices that has ever spoken out in our art: Toni Morrison.

Toni Morrison was an inspiration to everyone who read her work, who listened to her speak, who learned from her. She gave the us all an insight into the world from the point of view of Black Culture - an insight that I do not personally have - and I am appreciative of her strong, beautiful, terrifying, amazing words that allowed me to glimpse what that point of view looks like. It was...eye opening...and it was terrifying...and it was beautiful.

Toni Morrison said “If there's a book that you want to read, but it hasn't been written yet, then you must write it.”

These words, as many of her words were, are inspiring. And I am grateful for the inspiration that she has given me with them and while I do not write her genre of fiction, I look at her work and the stories she gave us and think that I am lucky to live in the same world where such a talented woman was able to share her stories with me...and inspire me to share my stories with others.

Toni Morrison - you have gone on to dance on stardust, but your work and your inspiration live on in the work of those of us whose lives you touched with your art. And I, for one, am immensely grateful for all that you gave us. Thank you.

That's all from me today, my friends. Remember - Life is an Adventure! Live It!

Jumping Back In

I haven't written a post in a long while, but I have a very good reason for that:

I've been in Italy on an Archaeological Dig at the San Giuliano Necropolis and Plateau in the town of Barbarano-Romano (which is a MUST see place - absolutely beautiful!)

During this trip I did a lot of research for my Thesis and I ended up handing in a "badly in need of editing, but the writing is good" First Draft of my Thesis. So, that's part of one hurdle cleared!

Over the last week or so, I've been working on doing my TA job and writing the papers that I need to finish off the Study Abroad - which is time consuming.

I've also been writing a little on TIAF: Unit Zodiac - Book 2. Not as much as I would like, but I have to get these papers done first. They're due on Friday, so I should be able to get them done before that and then, over the weekend, maybe get some "not-for-school" writing done.

Being in another country for so long is inspiring! I have come up with the ideas for at least Three More Stories!

One thing I noted, however, as I wandered around Ancient and Medieval Cities and Towns - the size of the streets and alley ways. It makes me think back to some stories / books I've read that have the streets as "wide, unpaved streets" or "wide enough to pull a full-sized cart through" or "the large troop of soldiers marched down the alley way toward the *insert whatever they were going for here*"

No...the Medieval Italian towns that I went through...the streets were narrow, often not big enough for two people to walk side by side. They were mostly paved in stone blocks - and in certain areas, you see where the small carts and such wore grooves into the stone...from hundreds of years of use!

Some of the "streets" were stairways leading up and down from different areas of the town and opening into lovely Piazzas that were the "courtyards" of the houses or apartments for several families...a small community within a larger one.

This is something that writers of Medieval Fantasy and such need to take into account when they're writing - go look at places or, if you can't travel, look up pictures and talk to people who have been there. Small attention to detail like that makes the story more realistic...and pretty damned awesome!

Okay...that's enough from me today...I have papers to finish writing!

Stay Safe and Have Fun - and Remember: Life is an Adventure! Live It!

Being Sick and Lack of Motivation

I have been sick for the last 3 or 4 days and let me tell you, there are few things in the world that infuriate me more than being sick. I hate it. It interrupts my rhythm and it interrupts my schedule and it makes life difficult for those around me - because I am out of commission and am not able to pull my own weight (and I weigh quite a bit!)

Yes, I know. It happens to everyone every now and again and it is our body's way of telling us to slow down for a bit...but that doesn't mean I have to like it. I am not like my Great Aunt who seemed to thrive on being sick all the time (in her own mind, at least) because it garnered her attention and sympathy. When I'm sick...I want to be left alone and I want to sleep...not necessarily in that order. I am a grouchy sick person because it is inconvenient for me and I am annoyed by it.

The thing that annoys me the most about it, though, is that being sick throws off my motivation. My brain tells me that I should be writing. I should be researching my Thesis. I should be grading assignments. I should be doing ANYTHING but curling up in bed and sleeping. But...I sleep. And when I'm not asleep...I can't even get myself to pick up a book or article to read. I look at the assignment that I have to grade and literally have to FORCE myself to do it, because I don't want to. I open the file with my Thesis and just stare at the words with incomprehension. I open the file with Book 2 of TIAF: Unit Zodiac...and I can't think of a thing to write...not a word.

It usually takes about a week after I recover from being sick for me to gain any kind of motivation back...and I utterly hate that. Because that is a week of wasted time that could be better spent on something else...but no...that's not the way my mind and body work in conjunction with one another.

Honestly, this is mostly me grousing about being sick...but, it's also about me being human...and hoping that by putting down some words here, maybe it will wake up and inspire my brain to come out of its illness induced dullness and write something...anything...that may possibly in some way make sense to someone out there.

Ah well...going back to grading now...

Remember: Life is an Adventure! Live It!

We're All Impostors Here...

One of the things you learn as a Graduate Student in the History Department is that everyone around you knows more than you do and you know that you're just faking it and hoping that no one around you will figure out that you're a fraud, an impostor, and you have absolutely NO idea what you're doing or why you're even here...especially not in comparison to all the brilliant, intelligent people around you.

And then, you find out that your fellow Graduate Students...and many of your Professors...feel the same way about you and everyone else around them.

Impostor Syndrome: a psychological pattern in which an individual doubts their accomplishments and has a persistent internalized fear of being exposed as a "fraud".

I am told that this happens a lot among Academics, among Writers, among Artists, among Actors, among Creative People in general.

There are a lot of things I'm struggling with right now. (Don't get me started on Latin at the moment - I will burst into tears and scream to the sky about my own ignorance and lack of understanding.) But, the thing is...I keep going ANYWAY.

That's the only way to combat Impostor Syndrome - is to talk yourself out of it and keep going anyway even though the little voice in your head is telling you that you are clueless and stupid and do not belong among all these amazingly intelligent and talented people.

Gotta fight back...(which is cool...I'm Irish. I like to fight!) And...look at what you're doing and say "You know what? I know what I'm talking about. I've studied and researched and read and I know this. I have used my Critical Thinking Skills and I have come up with an answer utilizing information from many different angles and I know what the hell I'm talking about."

Lately, I've been rather down on myself and thinking about giving up. A friend of mine, Ronni, gave me the inspiration to write three positive things about myself whenever I start telling myself I'm stupid, I'm a fraud, I don't belong here, I'm an impostor. It's been kind of fun.

Granted, there are people who don't understand what I'm doing...and that's fine. They see my FB posts of "I can sing. I have an excellent vocabulary. I make a great cup of coffee." and wonder what I'm doing...and that's fine...I explain it when asked.

But, I find that when I have to sit and think of three positive things about myself - it's hard...because it's hard to see myself in a positive light. After all, I'm a fake, right?

Yeah, no...I do have to think about it...and sometimes, people will add in their own comments that are positive things about me that I don't necessarily see...but they do. It makes me feel happy and that...maybe...I'm not such an impostor after all.

So, I think this is a practice that I will keep up and while, YES! I work with and around some of the most brilliant people ever - Graduate Students and Professors - HISTORIANS, you know...I'm pretty smart, too. I have some really good accomplishments under my belt (or rather, on my CV) and I am taking risks and learning new things...things that are difficult for me (IE: Latin)...

Therefore, I am going to tell you...those few who read my blog...you're not an impostor. You're not a fraud. And you can accomplish these things.

I know what we tell ourselves...and it's really easy to believe what we tell ourselves...but, when you start in on the negative: stop...and think of three positive things about yourself. You don't have to post them on FB like I do. That's me. But, speak them aloud...tell the Universe that these are good and positive things about you...that you can do, that you're good at, that you have, can, and will accomplish.

I believe in you...and most times, I believe in me, too!

Remember: Life is an Adventure. Live It!

Writing the Sequel

I keep getting asked when the sequel to TIAF: Unit Zodiac - Failure Is Not Acceptable will be done.

Honestly, I have no idea. I'm in the middle of the book right now and I write when I am not ears deep in researching Ancient Roman History.

These books are a labor of love for me. I started writing them because it was a gift that I could give to some very special people in my life. I honestly never expected to publish them...at all. I didn't think my writing was good enough for that. The Very Special People, however, disavowed that notion and so, I attempted to publish traditionally.

Didn't work. I sent out inquiries for two years and didn't even get a rejection letter - which rather upsets me because I wanted on to frame.

So, instead, I published on my own and I am happy with the result. Yeah, my formatting skills need some work, but the book is good.

Yesterday, I was gifted with a copy of my own book (something I didn't own because I hadn't ordered one for me yet) and those Very Special People - the Original Unit Zodiac (they're mentioned on the dedication page!) - had signed it - thanking me.

Today, my youngest daughter told me that her fiance's roommate 'stole' my book from said fiance and read Unit Zodiac in three days and is now demanding a sequel.

All I can say is this: Yes - the second book is in the works. Yes - I have the third book planned out. And - yes, they go back to get Wally before moving on to the actual reason for their mission and that...I can't tell you about at the moment...but it will be...an event.

So...look forward to Unit Zodiac returning, new characters being introduced, new issues, new successes, and a lot of adventure. The Meroungians haven't won...yet...and we'll see what the Empire and Unit Zodiac do to keep them from whatever their actual goal is...

Remember, Life is an Adventure! Live It!

Do You Feel Inspired?

Inspiration - that force that drives us to create, to write, to do, to make, to accomplish...

How are you inspired? What is it that you can look at, hear, think, be a part of, touch that gives you that feeling that you have to, MUST, make a positive impact on something else? Create something? Write something?

For me - it's random. I can hear a song and think "this song reminds me of this or that character" and I need to write something involving that character.

I can talk to a friend about a point in Historical Research and BAM! I've got the idea for a new Conference Paper rolling around in my head.

The weirdest inspiration I have to date? My hubby, Matthew, had a dream about himself and told me about it. That dream inspired an Urban Supernatural book that I am about halfway through writing and it's been a fun romp to write!

Inspiration is in everything: music, conversation, other books, research, a cloud moving across an otherwise clear sky, the moon shining full and bright on a clear cold night through the branches of a leafless tree, the sound of the waves rolling up on the sandy beach as the sun comes up over the horizon, the smell of a thunderstorm as lightning streaks across the sky...

There is inspiration in everything and I certainly hope that I keep being inspired to create, to write, to research, to have grand epiphanies about life in general throughout my life...

And I hope that you are inspired by awesome things, too. I hope that you are inspired to create, to write, to draw, to paint, to research, to study, to do, to make, to accomplish...all good things in your life as you move through your space and time.

That's all I wanted to say tonight.

Remember: Life is an Adventure! Live It!