J.B. Norman's Blog, page 358

Preview Chapter: Forward, the Lyte Brigade

Yes, that’s a sandwich. And, yes, that’s plot relevant, I promise.
I didn’t want to use the Lyte Brigade L for a header image again…
Photo by Ponyo Sakana on Pexels.com

In anticipation of the forthcoming release of the next Realmgard story, Forward, the Lyte Brigade (yes, it’s a pun), here’s the preview chapter that was previously promised.

Forward the Lyte Brigade is the story of son of an innkeeper Nolan Lyte trying to re-establish the Lyte Brigade, the guild originally founded by his great-grandfather and disbanded since the retirement of his grandfather.

In the preview chapter, Nolan’s latest attempt to find recruits for the Lyte Brigade starts off poorly, as he struggles to gain traction for his guild and get people to take time out of their busy lives to pay attention to him.

So, basically, Nolan is the equivalent of a Greatest Living self-published author…

Even with all his recent efforts, Nolan is no closer to actually having a guild to lead. His posters don’t seem to be working and there’s no sign of Pela. She must have decided not to join the guild. He doesn’t blame her. Why would you join a guild run by a Captain that tripped over you?

Nolan sits glumly in his chair. He did finally decide that Pela’s advice about winning people over through their stomachs was good idea. This, coupled with the advice from his copy of The Seven Habits of People With Highly Effective Habits about offering people something in exchange for their precious time, gave him a brilliant idea: free sandwiches.

Thus, Nolan had prepared a new batch of posters detailing the various benefits of membership in the Lyte Brigade and hung them up around the inn’s dining hall. Then, he had his mother help him make a big platter of sandwiches. Finally, he posted a sign outside the inn proclaiming Guild Information Session, Free Sandwiches.

Looking out into an empty dining hall, Nolan decides that he didn’t quite understand what Pela was trying to tell him, and he is certain the book has misled him. He planned to lure people in with a big pile of sandwiches and have them read the posters, ingeniously placed right next to the pile of sandwiches.

What was supposed to happen was that people would come for the sandwiches and stay to join the Lyte Brigade. What is happening is that people are coming for the sandwiches, staying to eat the sandwiches, completely ignoring the posters, and then leaving – and helping themselves to a couple more sandwiches on the way out.

“Stupid book,” Nolan mutters. If it didn’t belong to the good people of the Porthaven Central Library, it would be destined for an exciting new career as a doorstop.

Nolan sighs and glances up. Even the people who were just wandering in to steal his sandwiches seem to have disappeared, and the inn is currently empty. Except for one very tall Elf woman with black hair, dressed in furry clothes that may have once been a bear – or something else similarly large and hirsute. The Elf meanders around the inn, sceptically studying his posters, but, just like everyone else so far, makes no sign of having interest in actually joining his guild.

He sighs again and goes back to his book. When he glances back up, he flinches at the sudden appearance of the tall Elf looming over him.

The tall Elf stares down at Nolan, arms folded over her chest. “I was promised a sandwich,” she notes. She speaks with an accent, but not one that Nolan recognises.

“They’re over there,” he says, pointing to the platter.

As he watches the tall Elf stalk over to the pile of sandwiches, Nolan realises that she must be a traveller, maybe even an adventurer, and she must be a long way from home. Along with her accent, she has a deep tan, and her boots are absolutely covered in mud and dust. He realises that she is exactly the kind of person he’d love to have as a member of the Lyte Brigade. Unfortunately, she only seems interested in his sandwiches.

The tall Elf reappears. “I would like another sandwich,” she declares, through a mouthful of the previous sandwich.

“Yeah. Take as many as you want,” Nolan answers.

She re-reappears at Nolan’s table with a sandwich in each hand. When she speaks to him, it is around a third sandwich stuffed partway into her mouth, “Also, I would like to join your guild.”

“Sure. Yeah,” Nolan mutters. “That’s -” He pauses as he begins to comprehend what she actually said. “What?”

“I would like to join your guild,” she repeats through the last mouthful of sandwich.

Nolan stares up at the woman for a long, stunned moment. “There’s, uh, there’s a form you need to sign,” he says once he recovers. He quickly begins looking around his table for the clipboard with his sign-up sheet.

“Mom!” he calls. “Where’s my clipboard?”

He scurries through the inn, checking under the tables for his wayward clipboard.

“One of the tables has a wobbly leg,” his mother calls from the kitchen. “I think your father is using it to keep it level.”

After a frantic search, Nolan reclaims the clipboard and springs out from under the table, narrowly avoiding hitting his head on his way up. He takes a seat across the table from the tall woman. To get himself into the proper mindset, he clears his throat, decides it didn’t sound nearly professional enough the first time, and clears his throat again.

This has exactly the opposite effect than he’d hoped for, sending him into a coughing fit and leaving him red-faced and gasping for breath.

“So,” the tall woman says to break the silence. “Who is supposed to talk first?”

“Sorry. I’ve never done this before,” Nolan says. “I guess -” he glances down at the forms on his clipboard “- the first thing I need is your name.”

“My name is Falcata,” the tall woman tells him. “I am from the Amazon Decapolis.”

“You’re an Amazon?” Nolan asks. “Wow! You must know all about fighting.”

Falcata nods. “I have been training since I was seven years old,” she explains. “I am proficient in the four styles of Amazon pankration and the use of seventy-four types of weaponry. I also received extensive dance lessons.”

“Dance lessons?” Nolan asks.

Falcata nods again. “Dancing teaches valuable footwork and coordination skills, as well as providing muscular and cardiovascular conditioning.”

“I see,” Nolan says. “And what was that about weaponry?”

“I can use seventy-four different kinds of it,” Falcata says.

“Seventy… four?” Nolan asks in amazement.

That can’t possibly be right, Nolan tells himself. Are there even seventy-three types of weapons? He tries to mentally count all the weapons he knows: swords, and axes, and big sticks, and… those curvy swords. And maybe kicking people? Biting? You could probably throw a potted cactus at somebody – does that count?

“No, actually,” Falcata answers, bringing Nolan back to the matter at hand.

“Oh,” Nolan answers. “Because I didn’t think there even were -”

“I should say seventy-five. I miscounted.”

“Where did you learn to fight with seventy-five kinds of weapons?” he asks in amazement.

“Back home,” she answers. “Like I said, we begin training young.”

Images of startlingly small girls hitting each other with startlingly large weapons spring to Nolan’s mind. He clears his throat, regains his composure and continues, “I just need your signature, then you’ll officially be a member of the Lyte Brigade.”

“Very good. When do we start?” Falcata asks.

“The guild can’t officially be reinstated until it has five members,” Nolan answers sheepishly. “And it, uh, hasn’t been going so well. You’re the first member I’ve managed to sign and it’s been weeks already.” He bashfully looks away. “Sorry.”

“In that case, I will require lodgings,” Falcata says. “I will have to get my things.”

Nolan’s dad hasn’t been thrilled about Nolan’s plans for Lyte Brigade, but he should be happy that Nolan has at least managed to rent out one of the inn’s rooms for the foreseeable future.

Forward, the Lyte Brigade will soon be available on Amazon as both an ebook and a paperback hard copy. In the meantime, the other Realmgard stories are all currently available in the same formats.

Soon, the Lyte Brigade

I’ve started finalising the manuscript of Forward, the Lyte Brigade. Honestly, I’m finding it hard to muster up the motivation to just sit down and do the thing, because it’s a long, tedious process itself composed of other long, tedious processes, and I think my computer hates me.

But, it’s going, at least.

It was either this picture, or a picture of someone drop-kicking a computer out a window.
Photo by Donald Tong on Pexels.com

You know the drill by now: story soon, preview chapter between now and then.

Stay tuned.

RealmgART: The Turnip-Thing of Aquae Celeres

50% Turnip, 50% Thing, 100% guaranteed to ruin somebody’s day.

Shortly after the initial foundation of the Elven Empire, just when the good burghers of the countryside thought they finally could breathe a sigh of relief and settle into a peaceful life after many years of war, they were beset by a terrible monster: the Turnip-Thing of Aquae Celeres.

The (Turnip-)thing appeared without explanation or warning, and its origins remain a source of conjecture and debate even today. No such monster has ever been recorded in the annals of Realmgard before or since.

Contemporary accounts describe the beast running roughshod across the region around the otherwise insignificant town of Aquae Celeres and it is recorded as having devoured twenty-seven ducks, six goats, a cow, four unfortunate people, a mime performing at a child’s birthday party, the child’s birthday cake, and trampling no less than fourteen farmer’s fields.

Luckily, the people had an obvious saviour to turn to in their hour of need. Famously bearded Elven war hero Quintus Marcellinus Styracosaurus had retired to a turnip farm not far from Aquae Celeres.

Retired from active military service, but not from heroism.

Utilising his legendary heroic spirit, combined with his deep familiarity with the cunning and treacherous ways of turnips, Styracosaurus easily slew the Turnip-Thing and saved the good people of Aquae Celeres.

The vanquished Turnip-Thing was cooked into a delicious stew which fed the town for several months, and Styracosaurus’ great victory is still commemorated in the region of Aquae Celeres with the annual Styracosauralia festival.

RealmgART: “Forward, the Lyte Brigade” Cover WIP

Like I said earlier, my next story’s almost ready.

So, of course, I’ve been working on the cover art. It’s probably gonna look something like this, a design based on the ancestral shield of the Lyte family and the aspiring leader of the Lyte Brigade, Nolan.

Preview chapter to be posted today (man, three posts in one day — can you believe it?; that was a joke, please don’t hate me) or tomorrow. Full story be become available within a few days.

And once again, happy New Year, everybody!

As a final comment: it turns out fancy letters are really hard to draw. That picture is attempt number 7.

Happy New Year(‘s Day(‘s Afternoon))

Photo by rovenimages.com on Pexels.com

Once again, Happy 2021 and Good Riddance to 2020 to all!

For the actual news, refer to my last post.

The short version is next story soon, preview chapter sooner.

Recommendation: Willow

More information on IMDB here. Wikipedia article here. TvTropes article here.

Directed by —

Yeah, that’s the guy.
The Simpsons – Season 10, Episode 5: “When You Dish Upon a Star”:
Gracie Films and Disney.

— and based on a story concept by , Willow is a weird movie.

It’s not necessarily a good movie, but watching it for the first time, I couldn’t help but feel it was a very endearing one. To be fair, it’s not even a bad movie, either. Mostly, it’s a very outlandish Fantasy movie that doesn’t quite manage to live up to its own ambitions.

It’s definitely worth watching once, at least.

Willow could be ungenerously described as a poor man’s The Hobbit, especially because both centre on a diminutive rustic going on an epic adventure. Though, to be fair, that’s pretty much where the similarities end.

In Willow‘s further defence, plenty of Fantasy stories can be considered a poor man’s Tolkien, given that Tolkien looms so large over the genre and there’s a lot of trashy, derivative, downright bad Fantasy stories out there — I’m looking at you, Most Dungeons & Dragons Books.

In The Hobbit, Bilbo is basically just along for the ride. In Willow, despite Willow’s overall Hobbit-ness, he is not a very Bilbo-esque hero. For one thing, he’s very much the main hero of the film and has a lot more direct influence on the plot and overall consequence than Bilbo ever does in The Hobbit.

But if Willow absolutely has to be compared to another movie, it’s probably Star Wars — and not just because they’re both the brainchildren of George Lucas. Star Wars is pretty much a Fairy Tale in space, and Willow is just straight-up a Fairy Tale. Both stories rely on the same archetypal and traditional character styles and plot devices. Not surprising, given that George Lucas is a big fan of Joseph Campbell‘s theory of myth and storytelling.

Basically, Willow is Star Wars is you replaced “space” with “Fantasy world” and “Death Star plans” with “magic baby”. The overarching story’s not very original, but it’s at least entirely adequate and a lot of the particulars of the world-building, set design, and art direction are all pretty unique, memorable, and well-done.

These aren’t the Droids Magic Baby you’re looking for.
Willow: Disney and Imagine Entertainment.

The movie stars as Willow (he’s a person, not a tree, in case that requires clarification). Even if you think you don’t know that is, you’ve probably watched at least one movie with him in it.

Not pictured: our hero.
Photo by Daria Sannikova on Pexels.com

He was the main Ewok in Return of the Jedi and has had cameos in most of the subsequent Star Wars movies; he was in cult classic Labyrinth; he was in some of the Harry Potters, apparently (according to Wikipedia, he was something called a “Professor Flitwick” — yeah, I don’t know, either); he was in one of the Narnia movies.

there, too, and is absolutely delightful as a character that’s pretty much a manic, hyperactive, unwashed version of Aragorn.

He cleans up as good as he beats up bad guys.
Willow: Disney and Imagine Entertainment.

The funny thing is, I never actually saw Willow until a few months ago on Disney Plus. My first exposure to it was actually when my Mom read me the novelisation when I was a kid. Full disclosure, I don’t actually remember much about it, though I do remember that I really liked it.

To the point where, as I recall, I started writing my own book that was literally just Willow with some of the details and names changed. I, uh, did that a lot as I kid.

Hey, everyone gets their start somewhere.

I’d suggest you also check out the novelisation after (or even before) you watch the movie. I’m as close to absolute certainty as is humanly possible that it’s out of print, but I was able to find some used copies of it online with minimal effort.

Happy New Year(‘s Eve)

Photo by rovenimages.com on Pexels.com

So, my previous best guess for getting Forward, the Lyte Brigade submitted for publication was “before New Year’s”. And, uh, clearly that’s not gonna happen — especially if you happen to live in Fiji or Australia.

The good news is that I’m not necessarily behind schedule, I just decided for my own sanity that I’d wait until after New Year’s to finish the job. Could be ready as soon as tomorrow, but I’m not sure if submitting it on a holiday is going to slow down the process or not.

Barring any unforeseen calamities (which given how the last year has gone, may not really be that unlikely; knock on wood, and all), Forward, the Lyte Brigade will be submitted within the next few days and go live for purchase within a day or two after that.

I’ll have a preview chapter up here on my website either right before I submit the whole thing or while we’re waiting for it to go live.

Stay tuned.

And, of course, allow me to wish you a very Happy New Year, or at least a very Happy End of Old Year.

It is my sincerest wish in the year ahead that you may overcome the wiles of your enemies and see them driven before you into the sea.

Holidays 2020

“Troll“, but also “Troll“

So, just in case I didn’t already wish everyone a Merry Christmas (Season): Merry Christmas (Season).

And, as we come to the end of a year that’s been, um vexing for everyone involved and we may be thinking “Wow, what a lousy way to start a new decade.”, I potentially have good news: depending on how you count, new decades don’t begin until the 1 year. Do with this information as you will.

But irrespective of whether this decade has started with a really bad year, or won’t start for another three days, I think we can all agree that we’re hoping that 2021 will be better than 2020. And I, too, hope that.

And also that you’ll buy my books, please.

Encyclopedia Realmgardica: Matilda Lyte

In Matilda’s own humble opinion, she is too smart, too pretty, and too talented to be stuck scrubbing greasy dishes just because it’s the family business. Besides, it’s called the Lyte Brigade; doesn’t that mean adventuring is supposed to be the family business?

Age: 21

Occupation: Waitress

Likes: exploring exciting new career opportunities, studying magic, her hair, her family (most of the time)

Dislikes: fish-on-a-stick, being a waitress, Nolan (sometimes)

Elder sister of aspiring guild captain Nolan Lyte, Matilda has been dutifully assisting her parents at the family inn since her early adolescence. However, Matilda recognised years ago that keeping an inn is not how she wants to spend her life.

Gifted with magic, Matilda feels that her talents and previous magical training are being squandered in a life filled with fish-on-a-stick and dirty dishes. While her parents have promised that she will one day be able to pursue a career in magic, she has been waiting for that day to come for several years.

Fortunately, Nolan’s plan to reestablish the Lyte Brigade may just provide her with the opportunity she needs to realise her ambitions for herself. Of course, she would never admit that she thinks her little brother has had a good idea.

Merry Christmas, J.B. Norman

Nothing to report, really.

Though I did finally get more presents for Christmas than my little brother this year. And in keeping with the Christmas season’s spirit of charity, selfless and humility, I’d say my current state of mind is something like this:

Merry Christmas, J.B. Norman. Sincerely, J.B. Norman.