Syl Sabastian's Blog - Posts Tagged "clara-s-class"

Part 1



"Well it certainly wasn't what was expected," George comments casually.
“No, not generally. Any more comments?” Clara asks, sensing More somewhere.
Eska, who is relatively new to the class directs her comment at Clara, not at the class as a whole, as the others usually do, “Bummer... more.”
“What's the bummer Eska?” Clara pays attention, it's Eska she's sensing.
“About the move...“
“Ah - why so?”
“Bcuz she doesn't want to move.” Eska laughs a bit uncomfortably, “... I hated moving when I was a kid also.”
“Ah. How did you deal with it?”
“Well I just did what I was told.” Eska is silent, unsure whether to say more. Clara waits receptively, the class taking their lead from Clara. They want to hear the More, but realise eagerness might actually discourage Eska. She is shy and somewhat awkward in the class. She hasn't spoken or shared before. Clara's attention is only on Eska, drawing her into a comfort bubble of a seeming one-on-one interaction.
Eska continues, “Until I was older... Then I ran away haha.”

One aspect of the Martin Schools Clara especially loved was their openness. Martin Schools were schools for everyone, not just children. The bulk of the students were children, but certainly not all. One such student was Eska. A middle-aged woman, with evidence of a hard life on her face. A somewhat shy, kind, loving, sensitive, and deep soul. Able to laugh at herself, appreciative of her childlike essence, despite having seen and lived it all.

She had missed her own childhood and schooling, growing up on a world which had only in the last year joined the Agglomeration.. The first moment travel off-world was possible, Eska had been one of the first at the new space-port.

Eska is awkward, unsure, but also wanting to say more, she adds, “Yes? More, haha, I love you for adding me in.” Clara merely nods and waits with acceptance.

As the awesomeness of the Universe was wont to provide, Eska had been seated next to a returning diplomat on the space-flight out. Eska took the opportunity to release all her questions. Returning to visit a cousin, a teacher... Facilitator, the diplomat had corrected himself. From there Eska had extracted all she could regarding Facilitators and the Martin Schools. His sharing had transformed her. She had not known what she was going to do in the Agg, but now she knew. Eska had spent all she had on the space-flight, but the diplomat was from heaven it seemed. When he saw Eska's true real sincere earnest passion for filling-in all she had missed, he assured her he would get her subsidised and she did not have to worry about a thing. All she would have to do, was do what she dearly wanted to do: simply attend the school.

Eska had nodded with deep sincere earnest commitment, little knowing just how incredibly fun the whole thing would be. At first she had been awkwardly shy about being an adult in amongst the kids. She had gravitated to the other adults in the older classes. But she had not felt comfortable there. It was the full acceptance that actually made her a bit uncomfortable. She almost immediately saw these kids didn't care about age. Their culture being influenced by the gaming, where age was a non-issue as all ages played together. But the few adults were, well... adults.

Eska realised she was not. She had never been an adult, and never wanted to be, she now understood. She wanted to be a kid, and stay a kid. But, the kind of kids she had come to know here in her new life, the Martin School kids; innocent. sweet, loving, caring. But, boy oh boy, were they sophisticated. This she knew she had in her, but needed to learn how to access it better, to bring it out more. She loved the openness and lack of pressure of being a kid, one who could ask and not know, who wasn't expected to know. One who could get it wrong and it was part of the fun.

This was how Eska came to be in Clara's Class, the one mostly made up of pre-teens. She had been welcomed like never ever before in her life. She had cried and cried that first day in class, when the kids had been EAGER to have her. They wanted her there. And not because she was adult. Just because they recognised her for who she was; a loving innocent soul. A soul who also happened to know stuff, deep stuff.

Part 2



The Class had immediately wanted to find out all about her, how come she was so awesome to join their class. This they had seen as a tremendous positive. Admiring Eska for her courage, completely surprising her. They were everything she had never expected, but had always hoped for. When she had struggled to express, they had let her be, showing it was all okay and that her story would come when it came. Eska was amazed at their sophisticated understanding of story, soon discovering why.

On the surface, the class was about reading and discussing stories, but the kids had come to know that it was really about providing the opportunity or connection for them to tell their stories. This had intimidated Eska at first, her story was so unlike theirs. But, as the stories came, that fear died. She thought no more of it. Just listened and loved.

Until... until Eska suddenly realised why the class was called Discernment Class. And what that meant to the kids. She had thought rather obviously at first it was about discerning the books and the writing and what they meant and so on. But to the kids it meant More, much More.

For them Discernment meant Personal Growth. They saw discernment as extending yourself into a new person, to growing into the person, right there in this class, a class that could discern, that could figure out, what was going on, that could see what needed to be seen, who could grasp and take on new Ways-of-Being.

Because the kids did the actual reading of the books themselves, not Clara to them, usually with them, they took on the spirit of it as Clara showed them, which was not to just read the story, but to enact it. To become- the character one was reading, And thus to grow in the taking on of Possibilities-of-Being.

This was huge to Eska who had never had such opportunities in her life. Eska especially liked how the kids seemed to borrow characters for a while after having read them for a class. Adapting and modifying as needed, or using as precisely as they could. Afterwards they would play with that persona, be like them, act like they imagined they would. All completely without reservation. The other kids supporting them or joining in with their own characters. Some from the story, some from other places she knew not of and many simply made up on the spot.

But it was not acting of a kind like she had seen the kids she had known before attempt, like imitating or copying. This was different. They were changing how they were, on the spot. It was clear that some of them were to be, and talk and behave, in their newly adopted ways, for the foreseeable future. This is how many of them had come to have their current names and Ways-of-Being, and those would change again.

The Freedom!!! The freedom to BE, overwhelmed Eska. She loved the expansion of being, but realised it would take her some time, time to get to where they were. A lifetime of habits in the way. But she was determined to get to that Freedom-of-Being. Such incredibleness would be hers also. And, she realised, these Ways-of-Being were completely natural. The kids had simply grown up in an environment and culture where all this was what they came into. It was their 'normal;' to be anything they wanted. To change, vary, experiment, and be whatever they wanted, for as long as they wanted. Over this Eska wept deeply, when she thought of the children who never had this, might never have. She hoped with all of her being that none would ever again be denied this magic in the future.

Princess, who was sitting next to Eska could take the suspense no longer, “Really, for reals? Like actual running away? Like on your own?”

Part 3



“Yes for really reals. I ran away from the ages of thirteen on. I got institutionalised and eventually legally emancipated at age seventeen.”

“Wow, Where did you go? What did you do?” Were you in the institution all that time? How did you get in there in the first place?” Princess understood, as did the Class, that Eska was more likely to respond one-on-one, she was asking for the Class, knowing they did not understand much of what Eska meant, but that it would come, if not from Eska, then from Facilitator Clara.

“I started getting arrested at age eleven. At age thirteen I was put into a group home. I made several attempts at suicide and would not go home. Mom would eventually call the cops bcuz she was worried. But mostly she worked full time. So I was alone. And did what I wanted.” Eska's face changed expression rapidly, inside her story now, oblivious to the Class.

“One time I ran away forty-two mikes to the next town, it took them six weeks to find me. That's when I first met Jon, his bro, and family. I liked drugs and alcohol and boys."

Clara did not show anything other than she was listening, mindful of Appropriate Cueing, which made all the difference in such instances. The Martin Schools did not shy away from the Awful Truths of life. The kids were better served learning what it really was, rather than being frightened with exaggeration or protected with pretending it wasn't part of life. Especially these kids, who interacted with the galaxy via gaming and other connected activities. Access to a genuine first-hand account was invaluable.

“Another time I was fifteen I ran away three hours away. It took them about two months to find me and only because someone called me in lol. I went to state hospital at age thirteen. Was there for seven months, it was fcking horrible.”

Clara did not react to the swearing, not now. She felt certain it was not something Eska would ordinarily do. Besides the kids would also know it to be unusual. Clara did not want to break her immersion, instead she added, “Bah, how did that come about. You didn't volunteer I'm guessing. Arrested for what by the way?”

“I was in a group home a total of ten times, juvenile hall nine times, rehab three times... countless foster homes...”

“Whoa...” from Princess.

Eska realised Clara had asked her a question, “No no. I was mostly arrested for running away. But I was deemed as troubled.”
“Ah, was just about to ask.”
“Put on medications, labelled.”
“And were you? Troubled I mean.”
“Blah. Well my mom was an alcoholic who went through many nervous breakdowns my father molested and beat me. I just acted out, dunno why.”

Princess was horrified at this, but also knew not to make a victim out of Eska, “Seems to me you had good reasons to run away, like inside you. Just guessing here but...?”

“Dunno Why!?” Clara responded with a quiet fierceness, “Is that right there not crazy good reason. Like who would NOT run away. You would have been most troubled in the head if you had stayed. Yes?”

Clara knew she was not risking advocating this behaviour. Eska's planet and culture were alien to these children. On the Agg worlds, running away was not an issue and there were many many places a kid could go to for help. Besides, via the gaming, and the top of the line gaming rigs at the schools, players were connected bio-metrically to the games, which considerably enhanced play interaction. They all knew that emotional and stress monitoring was part of the connection, and knew it to be good. The games could be intense. Of course stress brought to the game was also recorded. Everyone on the school premises was constantly monitored, for medical safety. Most homes had this fantastic feature. An abused child would not go undetected after even one incident.

Part 4


“Yeah I just wanted to not have a parent who was so unstable. I wanted to be my own kind of unstable and find a man.”
“Why find a man?” Clara asked earnestly. She not only wanted to know for the Class, but herself as well.
“Yeah well it took me years but I got myself out of the system. Bcuz I was obsessed with finding love. All I ever found was sex.”

“Cool And good for you!” Princess liked happy endings. “Umm, about getting out I mean,” she added blushing.

“Well I'm still considered disabled so I get government money. Still to this day bcuz of my childhood. Pretty cool huh?”

“Yes, sort of. At least it has a payoff that is valuable. Just goes to show.” Clara did not want to leave any details un-discussed, “Ah. How exactly did you get into the drugs? I am always most fascinated by that very first time with such things.”

“I wanted drugs I found them easily and I lived for them only for much of my young years.”
“You wanted drugs before your first time? How come?”
“Yes I know.” Eska squirmed a bit, “I hafta add I was deeply sensitive. Bcuz they allured to me. Yes way before. School taught us about them.”
“Ah, yes, I'd imagine...”
“And I daydreamed about them. I was curious and I just wanted to make an identity with them.”
“This is the part I want to hear. Surely they didn't teach you to want drugs?”
“Still not sure why I did but maybe it was bcuz of my dad. He had a tattoo on his back of a guy shooting up and it said, 'Until death.'”
“Interesting, And that was...? Like how did you understand the tattoo?”
“I lived with him when I was eleven. He had it on his back.”
“Ah, and...”
“The schools taught us how bad they were. I fell in love with them. Lol”
“That seems a bit opposite, How come? What did the tattoo mean to you? I'm not fully connecting its influence.”
“It meant my dad would be a junkie until death. I had no other way of relating to him. Bcuz I was relating to my father.”
“So you felt if you were also doing drugs that would kinda connect you two?”
“He was not easy to be around but when it came to drugs I was understanding him.
Don't know really. But maybe yeah.“
“Ah, I get you now. Yes, that's powerful and the way it can be if that's all there is. What was his attitude to you using?”
“Well he wasn't around. After he molested me I stayed away from him for fifteen years or so.
“Good. He never knew you used?”
“Not until we started speaking again. After Phil was born on mother's day he called me I was nineteen years old and I told him. We shared war stories.”
“Did that help you understand him and connect to him?”
“Yes and yes.”
“And was it worth it?”
Eska didn't answer. Couldn't answer yet. Her body trembled in negation. Eska wasn't ready to acknowledge culpability. There had been much that had been worth it, or so she believed. The evidence of her said otherwise. But it would come when it came. Such deep-seated conceptual misbeliefs were difficult to overcome.

“And well I went to visit him again when I was twenty-six. Tried to detox off major heroin. Then once I was detoxed he brought home heroin and cocaine lol. We shared a needle several times.”
“You tried detoxing by going to see him again?”
“Yeah he said he was clean and working he paid for my ticket.” Eska's ongoing unease showed in how she continued to run her sentences together.
“So he did care about your detoxing. Yes?”
“Anyways... I left after a month, a boyfriend travelled several days to come get me. No. He didn't know how to care.”
“Yes, he obviously didn't. Interesting lie. How come you think? What was in it for him?”
“Well he probably was until he wasn't lol, but he did try but he was very controlling. I don't do controlling haha. I mean I won't.”
“Ah, and yes good. Like controlling how?”
“Put up with it too long.”
“Yeah. He wanted you with him, and using, so he could control you?”
“He was just fcking weird. He got mad at me for eating and showering. I had to clean the whole house and mow the lawn. And bring him beer.

Princess didn't particularly want to interject, but this was too much for her, “Wow! Like what's up with that?”

“He wanted a slave.”

Clara voiced what was not only happening for Eska, but the Class as well, “Ah right, it all falls into place. Yes?”
“He wasn't stable. Yeah.”
“When did you let go of him?”
“Well.. he died last November. He did end up living in Salt Hollows when Gabe was born. He lived in a religious homeless shelter. I never let him be around Gabe alone ever. Gabriel is almost nine now.” Clara had deliberately not asked who the names Eska had mentioned were. Those details would easily come later. It gave the kids something to ask Eska. Besides, it would shift the focus too much to go into such details.

Part 5


“Ah, But when did you let go of him as a parent, as somebody you wanted to connect with, when did you let go of that bubble side of your thinking of him that was based on childish ideals and not a fully accurate perception?”
“He died of syrosos, cirrhosis and hep c.“ Eska struggled with the pronunciation. Clara let it go, giving Eska the opportunity to see that it didn't matter if she didn't know.

“Ummm many years ago. When he left Salt Hollows. I guess. But he is in my heart.”

“Drug-related diseases. And Ah, that is good, the letting go, that dropping of what is really an idealised notion, not reality. Yes?”

“I know he did his best and he did try. Yes hep c is from iv drug use. And the liver disease is from alcohol.” Eska went still, searching for what she had not yet found.

Clara suspected, “Yes, those are typical. But Eska, the More here... Inappropriate Application of Goodness, that's the bottom line here, yes, would you say that?”

“Yeah.”

“Now I want to ask you something profound...”

“But he was very confused always. He molested his younger brother etc.” Clara skipped this, not wanting to dwell on such details.

“Okay.”

“Okay. What?”

“Let's imagine you, as a Soul, floating in the nothing in between lives, let's imagine you as the Soul part of Eska, not the part that is still learning, the part trying to become aware, but like a knowing-without-knowing subconscious-like Soul part of you, that knows stuff. Let's imagine that Soul part of you CHOSE the life you had, Chose those parents. The profound question is: Why? Why did YOU choose those circumstances to be born into, knowing what was likely to come?”

“Bcuz I really want the highest learning lol.” Eska surprised the class with her immediate and deep response. “And I wanted to learn self-love through chaos... It means so much.”

Clara beamed and radiated her joy at this incredible answer. “And....?” Clara asked with deep Positivity.

“To love yourself when you come from these things. It's deeply profound. And the fact that I love others as well. I am not too jaded. I'm very open and kind. Many people give up and give in. Sometimes I still do with drinking and stuff.”

Clara went deeper, “What about tendencies, predispositions and beliefs you carried over?”

“Huh?”

“Like what did you bring with you into this life? Let's imagine. Like what was just there, like in you, from always, from when you first started to be you, what was already in you as you? Not what you learned but was innate you. What did you bring into the world, by way of ideas and beliefs and conceptions and understandings?” Eska still wasn't sure what Clara meant.

“Like stuff your Soul needs to learn? Like we're imagining this Eska in this body now is just a temporary. And the details of this life are stuff that comes and goes. But what is the stuff that you will take with you for next time, and what did you bring with you from last time?”

“Well.. I was very empathic and I seen things like subatomic particles swirling around me ... I still don't know why. I also talked to myself for hours and hours and I enjoyed singing and I always loved my mom. It is why she kept me not my bro. He was kind of opposite of me. I'm not sure I understand the question.”

“Okay. I mean like we're imagining how stuff might work with life and death and rebirth. And we are especially imagining that you deliberately Chose to be born to those parents, knowing who and what they were. Now why would you deliberately do that? We're assuming you had very good reasons to do so. What were those reasons?”

“Oh. I think I already answered that. Bcuz I wanted the highest amount of learning thru pain and loss.”

“Yes, I mean in detail. Like what specifically did you Need to learn? That's absolutely it, yes! I am keen on the specific beliefs and conceptions you had which messed you up initially.”

This last connected intimately with Eska, “I needed to learn so much Clara. How to be positive. I was very depressed I hurt myself a lot. I needed to learn I'm worthwhile. That happiness didn't elude me.”

“I want to hear ALL of it. We have all day. All forever really. Please don't cry Eska. This is happy stuff!”

Eska's chin quivered, “That I was smart and funny... and good. Even though I wasn't fitting in in life. I'm getting tired... I feel like I'm in therapy. I sure prefer you to therapy but I hate talking so much.”

Clara laughed gently, “Aww. I am so keen to hear more. Okay, just give me the concepts, beliefs and key understandings then. Just the main words and hints.”

“I had to learn that I loved more than I was loved bcuz I needed to love myself FIRST. I had to learn men weren't going to fix me. I had to learn that I was, I was creating my own suffering and I had plenty.”

Part 6



Clara nodded her listening, “What Ideas and beliefs did you have when a child which were bogus?”

“That if mom was sad or upset it was bcuz of me. That I wasn't okay. That kids didn't like me. I was too honest”

“And...?”

“And kids would stop wanting me around. I got rejected a ton. I was by myself a lot. Even very young. State tried to take me away from my mom when I was only seven. She shipped me off to another place after her boyfiend beat me haha. I can't think the way you want me to in this format.” Eska indicated the class. “You do remind me of a therapist or healer.”

“You are fine Eska. It's not thinking I am after, it's Sharing.”

Eska responded immediately, “Whatever word you prefer. Ohhh... Thank goddess for that. Bcuz thinking doesn't happen inside here in a way that you think I'm sure.”

Clara smiled, “I am asking because all the lessons are there. I am asking simply to bring them out, to bring them to full awareness. So you can Share your learning with us. Cause it's Sharing with me and us and with you yourself also. Yes?”

“Yes.”

“But, thinking, it's happening. It always happens. But thinking about thinking is a cock-eyed thought sometimes. I am just listening to you showing your depth.”

“Oh heehee. Well I know as a kid I felt shame, deep shame. Always. And very nervous I couldn't make eye contact and kept my hair in my face. I was terribly fearful.”

“I can listen to this kind of Awareness understanding all day. It's not the details in themselves you see. But with every detail you Shared today, there was Awareness of More in along with it to greater or lesser degrees. Yes?”

“I attracted mean people somehow. Yes.”

“Shame for what? And why exactly did you attract mean people?”

Eska frowned, “I do see that. But I have told much of this before. I attracted mean people bcuz I was nice haha. I liked to have friends and mean people always wanted to be my friend. So I took what I could. Hey I just realized. This is all a story I've been identifying with! I have identified with this crap my whole life. 'I'm a problem, I'm troubled, I'm ill, I'm sad and broken...' But I'm not any of this. I'm living a lie. I'm sure it's a past I can let pass.
Miss Clara, you know, I have had a hard life, but what about you? Any pain loss or grief?”


“And you will tell much of it again Eska. There is always More. Our stories are ever with us until we have extracted all the Awareness we can, then they change, then they become stories of reminders of the awesome lessons we have learned, reminders of the most excellent Awareness we have acquired, and then those past stories become a joy to re-tell. No matter how bad they were at the time, once we see them for what they truly are, then there is always power and Joy in re-telling or remembering them. Getting to that point of Complete Positivity of our past is getting to the point where it all Makes Sense. And that is a Point of Power. But I'm not really any part of this. The key question though is: What Are you?”

Part 7


Eska's smile filled with love, “You know you're wonderful right? I don't know what I am hahaha.”

“But! You Know what you are NOT! Yes? And that is most most most Powerful yes?”

Eska shifted inside and out, trying to find herself, “I just really think I could spend hours with you if you ever let me. Yes.”

“You know also that you are not limited, that you are not crappy.”

“Yes.”

“And you know you are awesome possibility!?”

“Heehee yes of course I do.”

“But did you know this when you started this life?”

“Bcuz how would I have such amazing people in my life who love and support me. OH! Nooo...”

“Did you know what you were not?”

“Not really."

“And if you never learned what you were not, if you never learned that you are a possible anything, if you never learned that it is YOUR choice, not the choice of others what you are, then what? Then what does that imply for the next life, and maybe the next and next and next?”

“This is my last incarnation Clara.”

“Exactly!”

“I've been told when I was small by a blue light. Haha. Sooo... I am everything and nothing! But the in between is scary. Bcuz then it has no story. No ending no beginning.”

“If you had not learned those critical things Eska, you'd be stuck and would need to repeat it all over again. And when it comes to eternity, maybe your soul wasn't taking ANY chances. It made sure to put you in a life were you would most absolutely have every opportunity to learn these critical lessons. Your soul didn't care if it wasn't always going to be nice. In the light of eternity that is a trivial price to pay. Yes?”

Eska nodded. Clara repeated what Eska had said for emphasis: "But the in-between is scary - Bcuz then it has no story. - No ending no beginning." - Another Exactly! - If you think about it, your childhood was completely about being in between. And who survived? Who came to Awesome Awareness? Who is a fantastic good and nice person despite all that? Who has learned to love herself? Who has come to Awareness profoundly?”

“ME!” Eska jumped up in delight, smiling love and joy. Clara returned both.
“Thank you Miss Clara.”

“See the Power?”

Eska grinned, “I'd kiss your face...”

“See how it all MAKES SENSE?”

“In a friendly way lol. Yeahhhh!!”

Clara never let an earnestly asked question go unanswered, she displayed Eska's earlier question on a screen: 'Miss Clara, you know, I have had a hard life, but what about you? Any pain loss or grief?'”

“Mine wasn't easy either Eska, but also it was. I mean I could have suffered and struggled. But I didn't. I came out of the box knowing stuff, that led me to Apply what we have been talking about. So I was able to look at the crap and turn it to good. You'll see. In the Young Young Man's Story I gave you to read when you first came to the school, in the next chapter to where you are now, I think, we come to that pivotal moment in his life, similar to mine.” Clara was often asked for recommendations, and was available via the comm for comments and interactions on her recommended reading.

“But this is about you Eska. Let's not waste the power of the realisations. Those are a quick and temporary high if one doesn't lock them in.”

“I know but I long to know your mystery. Just saying...”

Clara smiled with fun, “Why do I have to have a mystery? All you ever want to know about me is always here in class.”

“But it's not you, it's you as a Facilitator, it's a guessing game.”

Clara grinned, “Sorry to disappoint Eska. I am like this at home also. That is my mystery to me.”

“Okay...” Eska pouted slightly, “Never mind. Just being honest.”

“No worries. Not in the least Eska. I appreciate honesty very much. I am puzzled as to why you think there is some deep dark mystery. Well just keep coming to class and find out. But, you see, your Sharing, that's what I am after in the Interactive Reading. It's awesome. Just needs the right story.”

Eska looked uncertainly at the others. “The Class loves you by the way,” Clara added.

“Lol.. but I am quiet. So far. Give me more...?

Eska's Sharing had given the children much to think about. Clara would have liked to discuss the Application of her insights and understandings, but Eska wasn't there yet. She knew it would come when it came. “Tomorrow we continue with Amanda,” Clara said, providing ease for Eska, the opening for more sharing or discussion implied. Eska could set her own pace.

End Chapter 6.
#ClarasClass #EskasStory #PersonalStories #PersonalGrowth
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