Zetta Elliott's Blog, page 18

the pole

Nothing slows a person down like a global pandemic. I got home from NC late Tuesday night and within 48 hours, the rest of my March gigs were canceled or postponed. I suspect that will reach into early April since many university campuses are shutting down. It all makes sense and I’m fortunate that I won’t struggle financially as a result of these cancellations. I will probably leave my house hunt for another month or two; interest rates were dropping last week but uncertainty is destabilizing every market so better to wait than rush in. I filed my taxes yesterday, which gave me a migraine. Once I recovered, I picked up some essentials at the store, read for a while, and then watched a sad movie about Jane Austen dying young and poor before turning in. I wasn’t sure the citizenship office in York would be open, but I was first in line and left twenty minutes after my 8am appointment with this handy study guide. My Lyft driver was sniffling and I tried to be discreet about applying hand sanitizer in the back seat. There was a meme on Facebook about the need to take measures now that *seem* like overreacting—social distancing isn’t hard for me and after a full five days in NC, I’m ready for some silence and solitude. But I can’t say my anxiety hasn’t been triggered by all the news reports and articles I’ve been reading. I’m thinking about going to the market and then walking over to the movie theater for a matinee. There’s a new adaptation of Emma and even though my author friends at the Whirlikids festival panned it, it might be a good distraction. The film I watched last night was called Jane Austen Regrets and it focused on the choices she made in her personal life: setting up a household with her mother and sister in order to write rather than becoming some man’s wife and mother to a dozen kids. She was judged and blamed for her family’s financial misfortune but at the end of her life, she claimed she had no regrets. Not an uplifting film but fairly honest about the sacrifices women still have to make in order to put their art first. 2019 was a good year for me, though as a freelancer I now owe the government a sizable chunk of that income. One good thing about having anxiety is that it makes you plan for any and every eventuality; I saved enough to pay my taxes and I saved for a downpayment for a home of my own, and so I think I can weather the coronavirus storm. We were bumping elbows in NC—no hugs, no handshakes—but that didn’t stop us from connecting in a meaningful way. I presented for Prof. Erin Miller’s grad students on Monday evening; three lovely students then took me out to dinner and advised me as we walked not to “split the pole.” The next day in Prof. Miller’s undergraduate class, I asked students to share some customs or folktales specific to their state. They mentioned sweet tea but insisted that ghost stories were more common in SC, yet when I asked about splitting the pole, all their heads started nodding. We then developed a fantasy story about an immigrant child who was new to NC and so didn’t understand or follow the custom; after walking around the opposite side of a tree, the child found herself in another dimension, separated from her friend. My head’s been full of story ideas lately…I think a baby phoenix will be added to my next dragon book! But now that I’ve got two weeks off, I need to get back to writing poetry for my Afro-Puerto Rican kid version of Basquiat. The sun just came out…will get out and do my off-peak shopping so I don’t have to brave the stores this weekend. Take care out there!

March madness

The three trips I had planned for March have now blossomed to five. Clearly, I’m not doing a very good job upholding my New Year’s resolution to travel less. Two gigs that were supposed to happen last month will now have to be squeezed into March…unless the spreading coronavirus leads to some cancellations. I’ve been home for almost three weeks and have been fairly productive despite a lingering cold. Stocked my shelves with nonperishable food, turned in an essay on the so-called rules of publishing, and I’m almost done reading Cyntoia Brown-Long’s memoir. That’s research for my PA novel, which my agent is preparing to send out now that I’ve put together a substantial writing sample. She’s troubled by the protagonist killing her abusive father but I’m basing my characters on actual teens–Cyntoia, Bresha Meadows, Chrystul Kizer. The contemporary teens’ stories unfold alongside those of historical figures from Central PA—Black women who fled, killed, or conjured in order to be free. My middle grade novel is due next month so I will have to shift gears and set the PA project aside for a while. Hopefully I’ll have time to write while I’m on the road—and I’ll be on the road a LOT this month. On Thursday I head to North Carolina for the Whirlikids Festival near Raleigh; from there I head to Charlotte for two presentations for Ed. students at UNC. I come home for a few days, I have my biometrics appointment in York, and then I do a couple of school visits in Philly before heading up to MA. Two more school visits in Philly and then I head to Houston for a week for the Texas Library Association’s annual convention. I’ll be a guest on the DC Public Library podcast at the end of March and then I have a couple days at home before I head to Kansas State University to deliver a talk at the “Fantastic Identities” conference of the Children’s and Adolescent Literature Community. I complain about being on the road but sometimes the connections you make with other readers and writers make it worthwhile. Last week I read with Julia Mallory at Midtown Scholar Bookstore and we had a great conversation about the power of poetry to heal or at least reveal trauma. Tomorrow I’ll be filming the young poets at The Mix here in Lancaster, and through Julia I’ve connected with some more teens in Harrisburg. I reached out to the Lancaster Public Library to see if they’d be interested in hosting a self-publishing workshop like the one I did in Philly at the Logan branch. They said yes so I’ll try to schedule that for April. I haven’t booked anything beyond the start of May so I’m looking forward to a quiet, stay-at-home spring! My horoscope says it’s a good time to buy a home so I feel justified spending so much time on Zillow…

 

spotlight

I woke up yesterday with a plan to write for most of the day, but in the morning I learned that my essay for School Library Journal went live. Then in the afternoon I got the link for my interview with ABC27’s Valerie Pritchett; it was part of the “Midstate Hidden History” special that aired Thursday night, starting with a great segment on the Underground Railroad Tour run by the AAHSSCP. By the time I finished posting those two things on various social media platforms, there wasn’t much left to the day. I chatted with my agent about the Central PA project and tweaked the outline since she’s getting ready to send it out. A friend of mine objects to the term “Black girl magic” and wishes people were as eager to recognize and name Black women’s genius. I think it’s possible to do both, and with this experimental novel I’m trying to historicize the “magic” Black women practice as a mode of resistance and empowerment. Will it find a home with a traditional publisher? Who knows. We heard from a publisher in Canada that’s interested in my dystopian YA novel, so that’s encouraging; if it works out, that will be the first book of mine published by a Canadian press. I talked a bit about the publishing industry earlier today as the special guest at Bright Side Opportunity Center. I sold a few books and met more folks who are interested in making their own books; hopefully I can find a way to hold a self-publishing workshop here in Lancaster.

It didn’t take long for my citizenship application to be processed—I got my first notification letter today and I should get my biometrics appointment in a day or two. I didn’t think I’d be able to vote in the November election but who knows!

commitment

Today I finally applied for US citizenship! After 25 years of living in this country, after weeks of starting the online application, stopping, and starting again…I did it. When I renewed my green card ten years ago, I swore I wouldn’t renew it again. It expires in April and I have no idea how long it will take for my citizenship application to be processed, but at least I got the ball rolling. It’s hard for me to commit—to a country, to a city, to a profession. I’m always thinking, “What if…?” and then my anxiety runs away with me. I spent most of this evening online looking at condos in Evanston and Chicago; last week I was in California and found myself resenting all the money I had to spend on Lyft rides just to go a few miles. Seeing friends made it worthwhile and I enjoyed my time in LA, Glendale, Oakland, and San Francisco. But it confirmed for me that I don’t want to live anywhere that doesn’t have a well developed public transit system. Architecture, parks, density/walkability, art spaces—those things matter to me. I was in Philly on Saturday; the subway was crowded and grungy but I couldn’t help smiling at how easy it was to get around the city. I came in early so I’d have time to see the Black masculinities exhibit at the AAMP before heading to the Logan branch of the Free Library. There I led a workshop for folks interested in self-publishing and had a really great group of writers, all keen to learn more about print-on-demand technology. At least half the attendees had finished projects and just needed to know how to take the next step, which is encouraging since the latest Lee & Low assessment of diversity in the publishing industry shows virtually no progress since 2015. We ran a bit late so I caught a Lyft downtown to meet friends for dinner; my driver shared his opinion of Chicago and thought moving there was a good idea since it’s a mid-sized city like Philly. I reached out to a friend there yesterday and she had some good advice…I realized as I was talking to her that the past couple of years might be my way of slowly shifting away from the east coast. I’m not drawn to west coast cities at all, but there are a lot of options in the Midwest. Philly was the “bridge” that got me out of New York, and maybe Lancaster was the bridge that got me away from the east coast. I still want to visit Pittsburgh and Detroit but I’m realizing how much it means to be in a place where you have a support system of fellow creatives. LA was kind of intimidating—our colorism panel took place at a private club that had a swanky rooftop restaurant. But the organizers and attendees were down to earth and not pretentious at all. I thought I was ready to slow down but I think I’m going to have to travel a lot for at least a few more years, which means I need to live closer to an airport. I want to live in a place that attracts other Black women artists—enough to form a collective so we can share resources and easily exhibit our work. I saw Voices of the Eighth in Harrisburg before leaving for LA last week, and there’s some incredible art by Gracie Berry at the Lancaster Train station. I haven’t put enough effort into connecting with local artists but it’s hard when I’m not home that much. I’ve got three weeks before I hit the road again. I’ve made some appointments, reached out to some high school teachers, and this Thursday Julia Mallory and I will be featured in a Black History Month special on ABC27. Next Thursday it’s our reading at Midtown Scholar; I’d just about given up on bookstores but our event at Uncle Bobbie’s last week was incredible. Sometimes you can connect with strangers in an instant and other times you have to work at building relationships. Mostly you just have to put yourself out there…

 

reset

I don’t have to travel till Saturday and I am SO relieved! Seattle was wonderful and I had a nice trip up to Toronto, but I am very glad I’ll be at home for most of this month. I’d really like to write tonight but I finished an essay yesterday and just feel drained…time to soak the sponge and feed my imagination. In Toronto I visited Another Story Bookstore and picked up a couple of books by Canadian authors ($43 CDN for 2 paperbacks!!) so will try to get some reading done this week. The cost of living in Toronto is no joke. A 1BR is now averaging more than $2000/month and mailing a t-shirt to my friend who lives just outside the city cost $20. And that was regular post—not express! Riding just one stop on the express train cost $5. It would take a big adjustment if I ever moved back, but I don’t see that happening anytime soon. The weather was cold and gloomy, but I was pleasantly surprised by the warm reception I got at the OLA Super Conference. I don’t think most of the librarians I met had ever heard of me before, but they stood in line to get a signed copy of SAY HER NAME. I didn’t see many people of color, which was disappointing, and I had mixed feelings about being a Forest of Reading nominee when I’ve never been published in Canada. So my book isn’t really Canadian…*I* am, and that makes me eligible for certain awards. But it feels like we’re letting the racist Canadian publishing industry off the hook by embracing authors who are publishing in the US. Another Story is such a beautiful bookstore—and everywhere you turn, there are books by and about BIPOC. I took photos of several displays when I realized that almost all the books were by US authors. It’s not the store’s fault—they can only display what’s being published. I’m grateful that they’re carrying three of my traditionally published books, and I think they’ll order my indie titles for those who are interested. But what’s to be done for the reader who wants Black Canadian content? I worry that proximity to the US and access to African American authors will make it easy for Canadian publishers to shrug off demands for more Black Canadian kid lit authors. Will I ever be published in Canada? I don’t know. The latest Diversity Baseline Survey from Lee & Low shows that the US publishing industry is still overwhelmingly White. Canada, as far as I know, doesn’t even bother to track racial disparities in its literary community.

Time for bed. I’m looking into visiting an Amish farm this week since that’s the setting of my latest novel. I did a Twitter chat this evening with college students in TX, and on Friday I’ll do a virtual visit with 2nd graders in Boston. Wednesday I meet with the teen poets at The Mix. And Saturday is our event at Uncle Bobbie’s. Then I’m off to CA for the week! And THEN I have a stretch of open days. February has one extra day this year and I’ll need it!

other worlds

There’s a cold weather advisory here in Toronto; it’s about 26 degrees and will get colder overnight. This time last week I was in Seattle where it was chilly and damp, yet I still saw Japanese cherry trees in bloom and there were snowdrops around this stunning globe in the Chihuly garden. I went there after finishing two talks with teen boys in detention. It felt wrong—being out in the sunshine, enjoying beautiful art—when the boys were likely back in their subterranean cell blocks. Each one got a copy of Find Your Voice, and there were some keen writers in each group. But it’s still hard to connect for forty minutes and then walk away. When we went to Elmina in Ghana, our tour guide took us from the slave dungeons to a nearby luxury beach resort. And again—it felt wrong but it was also a much needed salve for the soul. I’m not doing any school visits while I’m in Toronto. I’m attending the Ontario Library Association’s Super Conference and know I won’t see flowers blooming or a golden hummingbird hovering outside my window. In Seattle there was so much rain and gloom yet the city still felt lush with plants thriving and neon green moss clinging to curbs and concrete stairs. I definitely couldn’t live there in the winter, but the weather did help me turn inward. I’d talk to kids about dragons and ghosts during the day, then I’d hole up in the hotel and think about the ghost story I’m working on now…when my host recommended an island ferry I immediately thought of a faerie. I’m ready to write! Which is good since my essay is due on Monday. What if I said NO for the next few weeks? What if I honored the commitments I’ve already made but kept my calendar open for April, May, and June? I could probably finish three of the four books I’ve had “in progress” for the past few months. I’ve agreed to extend my LA trip next month so I can join a panel of Black women discussing colorism in Hollywood. I just published an interview on that topic with Yaba Blay and Kiri Laurelle Davis, and two other friends will be on the panel with me. I’m not going to follow up with the publisher that asked me to do five school visits next month; they’re clearly not serious and I don’t need the extra travel/work. I’ll be in Philly on February 8th for a reading at Uncle Bobbie’s, and I’m giving a talk on self-publishing at the Logan Branch of the Free Library on the 15th. I’m reading with another poet at Midtown Scholar Bookstore in Harrisburg on the 27th…

Grateful for all these opportunities but it’s time to rearrange my priorities…

The Apprentice

Yesterday I did a virtual visit with students at the Miquon School; they’d all read Dragons in a Bag and The Dragon Thief and wanted to know when the third book would come out. I told them about publishers giving authors the thumbs up or thumbs down on new stories, and how Random House indicated they don’t want to continue the dragon series. The kids were outraged, of course, but I assured them that my agent was looking for another publisher and that I was prepared to publish the rest of the series myself. One boy, Alex, insisted that I forget about finding another publisher and just do the book myself. Sound advice! It would be interesting to see whether fans of the first two books would be willing to buy an indie title because it hasn’t worked in reverse—those who love the dragon stories don’t seem willing to take a chance on the self-published books, even though they also feature mythical creatures and a racially diverse cast of kids. For now I’m sharing the summary I developed for The Witch’s Apprentice, the next book in the series. Kids give it the thumbs up…

Sis was wrong.

Everybody knows it, but nobody wants to admit that the Guardian of Palmara—the realm of magic—made a mistake. Jaxon figures folks are probably afraid of making Sis mad—and he doesn’t blame them. He saw Sis turn into a scary dragon once before! But someone has to tell the truth. And the truth is, Brooklyn needs magic.

Sis thought all the magical creatures belonged with her in Palmara. But since Sis crossed into their world to reclaim the dragon that Kavita stole, Brooklyn has changed. Instead of sweltering summer heat, the weather has been unseasonably cold. Mama has developed a mysterious allergy, and Kenny and Vikram stopped speaking to each other after having a silly argument. Ma has been a witch her whole life but now she can’t even remember simple spells. She gave Jaxon her witch’s manual, but he can’t read it because the ink is disappearing from every page! How will Jaxon become Ma’s apprentice if no one shows him how?

Ma finally summons her sister witches to help complete Jaxon’s training. But the coven soon faces a more serious crisis—Blue is back and he’s suing Sis! Jaxon has been called to testify before the Supreme Council. Jax knows Blue can’t be trusted, but what if he’s right? What if the Guardian’s desire to keep the dragons safe puts everyone else in danger?

Lately I’ve been waking up to the sound of crows cawing in the pine trees outside my window. The seed keeps disappearing from my feeder but I haven’t seen any birds out back. I guess I imagined “country life” would include flocks of colorful songbirds, but Lancaster is still a city. Last week while I was filling the feeder I did see a heron in a neighbor’s yard, but I haven’t seen any raccoons prowling at night. There aren’t even any mice in this old Victorian house! Last night I watched a reality show about a group of English artisans who tried to recreate the arts & crafts guilds of the Victorian era. They lived in a manor house out in the country and each week were given an assignment: to recreate an object (china, wallpaper, a clock, curtains, furniture, tiles, a weathervane) using only the tools available in the 1890s. One young woman was unsure of herself and felt like an imposter, but by the end of the series she didn’t want to go home! She used embroidery to help manage her anxiety and made some beautiful things with her fellow craftspeople. Some artists thrive in isolation but you never know how you might create differently if you were forced to share space and tasks with others. Would I be a different writer if I lived in a bigger city or farther out in the country? We had an intimate but rich conversation in DC last week, and the librarians we met have since invited me and Bre to be guests on their podcast. Things like that don’t happen here in Lancaster; there’s no Black-owned bookstore, no librarians of color who want to talk about misogynoir and gender disparities in the Black community. But I have connected with some local teen poets and hope to film them reading my poetry next month. I’ve written about medieval guilds before but wonder if I could commit to a group that had a mission and guidelines about how and why to create. Networking is hard for me, so joining a collective or guild would probably help. But I’m not a joiner and quickly feel oppressed by the demands that come with belonging to any organization. I just had to update a bio for a publisher and they had three professional associations listed under “memberships.” Now I’m down to one. I’m reading a book about utopian communities and my ideal society would invest in artists—maybe not isolating them from the rest of society, but giving them time and resources to simply create. Artists still create even when they don’t have those things, but what would art look like *without* so much needless suffering? I’ve been asked to write an essay about poetry and protest—what can Black women artists teach us about revolution? I’ve gathered a few Audre Lorde quotes and know I want to start with Nikki Giovanni’s “For Saundra.” Just sent Prof. Giovanni a copy of Say Her Name, and I’m looking forward to sharing it with educators in Seattle next week when I attend a #BlackLivesMatterAtSchool meeting. I guess I should see if there’s a chapter here in Lancaster, but if there is…would I join?

So far I’m not upholding my resolution to travel less. After Seattle and Toronto, I’ll be heading to Los Angeles next month. Then I’ve been invited to speak at a college in Montreal and in March there are trips to MA and TX. Maybe I only dream of living out in the country because I think it would help me say no to these endless requests to travel. Maybe working in isolation makes me crave human connection, and that’s why I keep saying yes to speaking gigs. Maybe traveling all the time and looking at condos in Chicago is just a way of not being fully present in my life. Whatever the answer, I’ve got two days to write before getting on the plane so it’s time to get back to work!

bliss

You know what happens when I spend time alone, read a lot, exercise regularly, and stay close to home? I WRITE. It doesn’t happen right away, but after two weeks of mostly staying in and keeping to myself, I’m getting back in the writing zone and it feels SO good. Today I went out for a run, then came home and fused three unfinished poems into one. Went out for groceries again (I went to the supermarket and the farmers market yesterday) and came home to cook my New Year’s Day meal of hoppin’ John, cornbread, and pork with sauerkraut. The fridge is full, I have NO sugary sweets in the house, and the heat just came back on after being off for more than a week. Life is good! This month is going to get hectic because SAY HER NAME comes out on the 14th and I will be traveling quite a bit. But I’m really going to work at keeping every other month open so that I can get back into the routine that lets me dream and write. I finished reading GIRL, WOMAN, OTHER on Monday and as I neared the end I realized that two of my novels-in-verse are actually the same book. Just like I realized late last night that my unfinished poems were really notes for a single poem. You can’t get that kind of perspective when your head’s full of other things. Writing is 70% dreaming and I need to protect my dream time.

A few author friends have been posting their book covers from the past decade on social media. I can’t easily do that since I self-published so many titles in the past ten years, but I thought it was worthwhile to at least write it down.

2010: I was living in Brooklyn and was un/underemployed but still managed to become debt-free; Amazon Encore re-released my time-travel novel A WISH AFTER MIDNIGHT, which I had self-published in 2008.

2011: I tried adjuncting and was ready to give up on academia when I got a surprise last-minute job offer from BMCC. I joined the Center for Ethnic Studies and had three challenging but also rewarding years teaching community college students in Manhattan.

2012: Amazon Encore published my MG fantasy SHIP OF SOULS.

2013: I self-published THE DEEP.

2014: I self-published 9 of my manuscripts (ROOM IN MY HEART, MAX LOVES MUNECAS, AN ANGEL FOR MARIQUA, THE MAGIC MIRROR, FOX & CROW, THE LAST BUNNY IN BROOKLYN, THE GIRL WHO SWALLOWED THE SUN, THE BOY IN THE BUBBLE, THE PHOENIX ON BARKLEY STREET) and quit my tenure-track job at BMCC so I could write full-time.

2015: I self-published 5 more books for kids (LET THE FAITHFUL COME, A WAVE CAME THROUGH OUR WINDOW, I LOVE SNOW, DAYSHAUN’S GIFT, DEJEN VENIR A LOS FIELES) and fulfilled a dream by serving as writer-in-residence at Weeksville Heritage Center.

2016: I self-published 4 more books (THE DOOR AT THE CROSSROADS, A HAND TO HOLD, MILO’S MUSEUM, BILLIE’S BLUES) and served a second term as writer-in-residence at WHC; MELENA’S JUBILEE was published by Tilbury House; I found an agent and Jenn sold DRAGONS IN A BAG in a two-book deal to Random House, and A PLACE INSIDE OF ME to FSG.

2017: I self-published 4 more books (THE GHOSTS IN THE CASTLE, THE PHANTOM UNICORN, BENNY DOESN’T LIKE TO BE HUGGED, MOTHER OF THE SEA).

2018: I went to Sweden to research THE RING; I self-published THE RETURN and EVERYONE HAS A STORY TO TELL; DRAGONS IN A BAG was published by Random House; we sold SAY HER NAME to Disney; I earned as a full-time writer what I had been earning as an assistant professor.

2019: I self-published FIND YOUR VOICE; THE DRAGON THIEF was published by Random House; I moved from Philadelphia to Lancaster; I found a new agent and we sold MOONWALKING to FSG.

MOONWALKING won’t be published until Fall 2021; SAY HER NAME comes out next month and A PLACE INSIDE OF ME will be published in July. I have another picture book with Flyaway Books but I have no idea where we are in the publication process. I’ve got two illustrators working on two picture books that I plan to publish this year. I’m working on a novel-in-verse set in Central PA, and my editor at Disney is considering my half-finished dystopian novella North/South. I have a writing agenda that’s as long as my arm and twenty unpublished picture book manuscripts on my computer. It’s still a struggle to get published but this is the life I wanted—I’m living the dream! So long as I continue to get the work DONE. I’m going to NYC on Friday just for the day, just to see friends, and to have lunch by myself at my favorite tea shoppe, and to catch the Betye Saar exhibit before it closes on Saturday. Gotta feed my imagination…Happy New Year!

all over the map

I just printed out another map. And I just checked condo prices in Chicago. I’ve only scratched off a third of the things on my To Do list but overall I’m having a productive break. There’s been a lot of binge watching series on Netflix but I also finished my first haibun and tidied up a couple of other poems that I started earlier in the year but never finished. I answered all of Chani’s questions for winter solstice and I posted my goals for 2020 above my desk. I haven’t worked out my five- or ten-year plans but I’ll get to those eventually. I’m printing maps because I realize I don’t know Pennsylvania very well and I’m thinking about going to Pittsburgh in February. I also agreed to visit Detroit with a friend so I’m not booking anything just yet. I said I would travel less in the new year and I intend to honor that. What can we do to help the planet? Fly less. Could I get through the year with just three flights? I’ll be flying to Seattle and Toronto in January so that would leave just one more trip for the rest of the year and I’m scheduled to present at a library conference in Texas in March. It’s easy for me to give up meat and I turn down the bottled water offered at every conference and school I visit. But travel is tricky. If I want to spend more time in Canada, then moving to Detroit makes sense. But Detroit is a city that doesn’t have strong public transit, which means buying a car. I don’t need a car here in Lancaster—would I need one in Pittsburgh? I think I could do without a car in Chicago but then the cost of renting or buying a home goes back up. What if I get an electric vehicle or a tiny fuel-efficient car? It’s not just where I live but how I live that matters. I started the online application for US citizenship but then stopped because once you apply, you can’t leave the country for three months. Another reason to stop flying…

I read for three hours today and I’m still not done this 450-page novel! Will take a break to watch the news, then it’s back to the book! I finished 3 books of poetry last week but my TBR stack is still too high. Time to start my research reading so I can finally get back to work on Carlisle…

taking up space

Light-skinned mixed-race women take up a lot of space. So I would like to share my new head shots on Facebook but already this morning I got into an awkward situation with a well-intentioned friend who remarked that she had never seen a bad photo of me. I countered that that doesn’t mean I don’t take bad photos—everyone does! But I choose not to post them on social media. We try to look our best online, right? And I scheduled this shoot with Bianca Cordova because my last head shot was a selfie that I took three years ago; I was younger, thinner, and more tanned because it was summertime. I’ve got some white hairs now and some wrinkling around the eyes; I’ve got sun spots and crinkly skin on my neck but that doesn’t negate the fact that I’m still what is considered conventionally pretty. I know that how I move through the world is shaped by colorism and lookism and ableism; I’ve written about light-skinned privilege and mulattas taking up a disproportionate amount of space in popular culture, but I am a writer and I need to manage my image. It bothers me when people pull old images of me off the internet; they generally don’t credit the photographer or ask if it’s okay to use that photograph on a flier. I think most authors put their preferred photo on their website so if you need a picture and can’t reach the author, I’d suggest you start there. I’m going to put my favorite photos from the shoot here and then I can send the link to select friends. I’m not fishing for compliments and I don’t have a confidence problem; I know what I look like and how my appearance situates me in society. If you care to leave a comment, I’d really like to know which two images are best for professional use—I want one where I’m smiling (for kid-related events) and I want one where I’m more serious. The photographer felt my eyes looked sad when I wasn’t smiling so most of the shots have me wearing a big grin but I do have a few serious options.

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