Aimee Cabo Nikolov's Blog, page 11

Suicide Warning Signs and Aftermath

Suicide never affects only one person. It has a ripple effect on all who love, care for and know the one who lost their fight. One of the biggest impacts it leaves is the questions. It never brings closure. Those left behind wonder what they could have done differently or if something they said or did contribute. Blame gets passed from one person to another without ever knowing the truth because the truth is if our loved one had confided in us, or if we had understood what they were considering we would have gotten them help.

Before we go further if you or a loved one is in crisis and considering suicide reach out immediately for help. Please call 911 or contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 or even chat with someone right now online.

How to spot the suicide warning signs

Here is my disclaimer. Hindsight is something we all are haunted by. After a loved one loses their battle, we begin to tear apart the past searching for any signs possible. This section is not to cast guilt or shame on anyone who is struggling in this way. Hindsight is 20/20 and provides false narratives of “if only I had…” You can not know the final result if you had acted differently. Once the suicide has happened the survivors have to learn to forgive themselves. Take care of yourself. Talk to a counselor and take the steps necessary to live your life to its fullest.

Now for the suicide warning signs.

There is no one cause of suicide. Just as every individual and life is different so are the causes that lead to this outcome. However, there are certain factors that lead to a higher risk of suicide that you and I can watch for in loved ones.

The following list was taken from SAVE.org:

Talking about wanting to die or to kill oneself;
Looking for a way to kill oneself;
Talking about feeling hopeless or having no purpose;
Talking about feeling trapped or being in unbearable pain;
Talking about being a burden to others;
Increasing the use of alcohol or drugs;
Acting anxious, agitated, or reckless;
Sleeping too little or too much;
Withdrawing or feeling isolated;
Showing rage or talking about seeking revenge; and
Displaying extreme mood swings

For a more detailed guide to help you discover if your child/teen is at risk for depression, addiction or suicide pick up Judy and Geoffrey Davis’ book Warning Signs.

If you do see these signs in a loved one don’t be afraid to ask the hard questions. Ask him or her, “Are you thinking of hurting yourself or committing suicide?” Be blunt and honest. Don’t waste time with politeness. Instead, jump right to the fear and get it out of the way. “No,” will bring relief and offer you the chance to uncover what is going on. “Yes,” will spur you to action and get your loved one the necessary professional help.

Suicide’s impact on loved ones

A study conducted in 2016 discovered that depression and anxiety symptoms are higher in individuals who have experienced loss by suicide. It impacts everyone touched from close friends and family members to coworkers and service providers. The closer the person was to the individual the more likely they will experience these symptoms. In fact, those who have lost an individual to suicide are more likely to experience suicide ideation and posttraumatic stress.

Whether you have experienced the loss of a loved one to suicide or are contemplating your own suicide know that there is hope. You may not be able to see that hope right now so let those around you point you towards it. You are loved and cherished friend. Please do not give up. Your life matters and will have a ripple effect felt in the lives of the people you love.

Reach out for help today. Call 911 or contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 or even chat with someone right now online.

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The Journey Within

Following abuse self-identity is fractured. Stigma, shame and fear can overpower the drive to seek the help needed to heal from the past. In order to gain understanding of self and become resilient the journey within must be a time of reflection, allowance for hard question, a dedication to positive self-talk, and prayer.

Resilience

This word is difficult because the burden lies on the one who is injured. It’s a skill no one actually wants to refine but is vital to the healing process. It is the ability to succeed in the face of adversity. But you never know if you have it until you are faced with true pain. Resilience is strengthened when the individual refuses to let go of hope. It is not a skill to be sharpened alone but rather in a safe community offering social support. Groups of like-minded people who have undergone similar trauma will help build a resilient mindset.

If you have not yet found your social tribe may I suggest calling local churches and YMCAs and asking if they host support groups.

Reflection and questioning

Stuffing the feelings, memories, and questions only postpones the healing process. Silence becomes a natural state for the abused as power is stripped away from them. Learning to reflect on what has happened in order to bring light to the situation is a healthy step forward. During that time of abuse the individual begins to believe things about him or herself that are not in fact truth.

Examples:

I am a bad person because this happened.
This is my fault.
If I had done ____ then ____ wouldn’t have happened.
If people know what happened, then they will never accept me.

It is important to identify falsehoods we tell ourselves and then ask hard questions around them. We can get stuck in these untruths if we refuse to give voice to them. Use this resource from 7 Cups to identify and challenge stuck points that may be interfering with your own recovery.

Finding’s one voice is empowering. Silence held you captive, let your voice bring you healing.

Self-Talk

Negative self-talk is an easy trap to fall into. Believing the lies that you are not worthy, can never be loved, or are at fault are stuck points that you have to overcome. The truth is abuse is something that happens to you, not something you cause. Learning to speak kindly to and of yourself will give you the confidence necessary to tackle the harder areas of your recovery. Positive self-talk adds hope to your day and strengthens your resilience.

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Can We Prevent Abuse From Happening?

April is the National Child Abuse Prevention Month and also Sexual Assault Awareness Prevention Month. It is important during this time to raise public awareness and encourage others to speak up when they suspect a loved one, a neighbor, a child, or anyone else is in danger. The bigger question is can we prevent abuse from happening in the first place?

Children who are abused often do not tell anyone about the abuse. They keep the secret close to them out of shame, fear, or confusion. Often this is because the abuser is someone they know and feelings of loyalty, embarrassment, and immaturity cloud their reasoning. The abuser often brain-washes the child into believing the relationship is not wrong but rather an important secret.

Sexual assault, regardless of the age of the victim, carries with it many of the same stigmas. The one assaulted is traumatized and coming forward is frightening. Would not help if you are doubted or blamed for what happened when you come forward.

I first told my own story of abuse in 1989 and then, filled with shame and mistaking the destruction of my family as my fault, I took it all back. The abuse began when I was seven and it wasn’t until I was 43 that I was able to put into words the trauma I experienced and write Love Is The Answer, God Is The Cure.

How can we prevent abuse from happening?

Protect your children by creating an open dialogue around hard conversations and create a home free of secrets. From a very early age let them feel free to discuss anything that is uncomfortable. Give real names to body parts. Giving them childish silly names sends the message that it is not ok to talk about our bodies. In the same way discuss early on that their bodies belong to them and no one has a right to touch or look at them without permission.

Create the same type of open dialogue with your friends so that if they ever feel as though they are in danger of sexual assault or have experienced it they know you are a safe person to call for help. Be diligent in your own life and always be aware of your surroundings. When out travel in groups rather than alone and have a plan in place if you feel threatened. If you see someone in danger alert the authorities and stay with them until help arrives.

How can we identify abuse when it does happen?

To identify abuse, you must be proactive and do the work before you see the need. Learn the warning signs. Changes of behavior happen for a number of reasons but when in doubt or if a combination of the warning signs occur, seek professional help for the child. Don’t wait for the child to come to you. Often, they do not have the necessary language to tell you what is wrong.

In Florida, and many other states, if you suspect a child is being abused or neglected the law requires you to report it. The Florida Abuse Hotline is 1-800-96-ABUSE, a simple google search will provide you with your state’s abuse hotline.

If you are a victim of sexual assault call the confidential National Sexual Assault Hotlineat 1-800-656-HOPE. Seek out help. Whether or not you pursue legal justice later, for now know this is a burden you do not and should not have to carry on your own.

How to stop the cycle

When children are abused early on a connection between abuse and love can be formed in their mind. This can make the one who is abused more prone as an adult to form unhealthy relationships that continue the cycle.

The good news is that this cycle can be broken. It begins with seeking out help. Learn how to set boundaries and hold yourself and those around you accountable. Don’t depend on your child to meet your emotional needs but instead develop strong and loving adult relationships. Create an atmosphere of trust and transparency by teaching your child about their body in a healthy way that allows them to communicate clearly if abuse does happen. This helps to protect your child from others who might abuse them, such as your partner or a family member who previously abused you. Reach out for help and use parenting resources such as books, groups, classes, and counseling.

Even the smallest actions towards creating a safer environment for your child will make a big impact. It starts by sharing your story with someone who has the means to help you heal.

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5 Ways Kids Can Avoid Social Media Dangers

Social media is a great way to stay informed, connected, and entertained. As parents we know that it is both a blessing and a responsibility. This platform can easily turn from a tool that exposes our children to creativity and opportunity to one full of physical, mental, and emotional dangers.

This post isn’t to encourage you to ban your child from the use of social media. There are many wonderful things the various platforms can be used for. Here are just a few:

Snapchat allows grandparents and long-distance friends to catch glimpses of everyday life
Tik-Tok encourages creativity and play
Facebook allows children to find others with similar interests
YouTube is both educational and informative teaching kids everything from how to make slime to how to build solar powered kitchens and more
Pinterest is a great place for the hobbyist to collect inspiration for future projects

But who can keep up with every social media platform! There are hundreds of platforms with more being added daily. With so many available platforms how can you even begin to help your kids avoid social media dangers?

Following are 5 simple strategies you can put into place today to help you stay on top of your kids’ safety without reverting to banning electronics from the home.

Talk to your kids

Be honest with your kids about the dangers of social media and why it is important to protect their private information. Let them know that address and location should never be shared and how to go about telling you if they feel threatened by someone online. Have a plan in place for them in the same way you have one in case of a home fire. Be prepared.

Unplug nightly

Unplug the technology 30 minutes to an hour before bed time and collect the phones. 40% of 8 to 11 year olds and 71% of 12 to 15 year olds take their phones to bed. This unsupervised time online also deprives them of much needed sleep. Bad decisions are easier to make when exhausted.

Use privacy settings

Go through the privacy settings with your kids. Explain to them why they should never share their passwords with others who might try to later post things in their name or steal their identity. Teach your child how to block people that scare, bully, or threaten them.

Do a self-check

Our children follow our own examples. If they are seeing you constantly on social media, then they will follow suit. Do a self-check every now and then to make sure your own social media habits are safe. Unplug from social media at the same time you require it of the kids. Don’t take it to bed, opt for sleep instead. Make sure your privacy settings are set and have a plan in place for when dangers creep onto your screen.

Monitor their use

Go to the phone store and speak with one of the sales reps about how to monitor your child’s use on social media. Family plans often come with a monitoring system that can allow parents to turn phones into paper weights from their own device as well as track their location. Verizon has what’s called Smart Family. This allows you to place content filters on your child’s phone limiting it to apps that you approve. The system is customizable and puts the control in the parent’s hands.

Social media is not good or bad. It is a tool that comes with both risk and reward. Learning how to use it properly will reduce the dangers. Ignoring the problem simply makes it more dangerous.

Talk to your kids today and put a plan in place for their protection.

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PTSD and Sexual Trauma

Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is a stereotype our culture often projects onto soldiers and veterans. But like all stereotypes it falls short. PTSD does not belong to one group of people and it is far more complex than often portrayed by the media.

PTSD is caused from being exposed to trauma.

This can include, but is not limited to:

life threatening situations
sexual assault or abuse
natural disasters
or accidents and injuries to self or those witnessed on others

PTSD, like depression, affects the whole family. Healing needs to take place to move past the traumatic event and a strong support system is needed during this time. If you see a loved one or if you are suffering with PTSD it is important to seek professional help.

Would you know how to identify PTSD?

Movies, TV shows, and the occasional hyped up news report would have us believe that PTSD manifests itself in violence and extreme outbursts of anger. Anger is only one component of PTSD and it is rarely the reaction of those suffering. Many simply withdrawal.

There are 4 core behaviors of PTSD

The individual will have experienced or witnessed a stressful event.
Nightmares and/or flashbacks take the person back to the event where they re-experience it.
There is an effort to avoid situations, places, and people that are reminders of the traumatic event.
The individual may experience irritability, concentration problems, and sleep disturbances.
A great read about this topic.

Sometimes we may not know that a loved one has experienced a traumatic event because they are carrying around guilt that keeps them from sharing. When they do come to us, we need to be ready to provide a non-judgmental ear and a safe place (physically and emotionally).

What to do if you suspect a loved one has experienced a traumatic event

If you do notice sleep changes, avoidance of people and places they once loved, or concentration problems let them know you have noticed and ask if something happened. Stories are often not shared until a direct answer is asked.

It is important to be supportive and patient. Do not force someone to tell their story before they are ready, but make sure that they know you are there when they are ready. Provide a safe place with your presence and have a safety plan in place if signs of self-harm or suicide become evident.

If you have PTSD

Ask for help. You do not need to overcome, attack, or stuff down the traumatic event on your own. When left untreated PTSD cycles from re-living the traumatic event to avoidance, to a trigger that brings you back to the event. Since 1980 there has been a great deal of studies conducted and treatments developed that can and will help you. But first, you have to tell someone you need help.

Don’t put off getting help. The longer you wait to address it the harder it becomes to do so.

How to know if someone is considering suicide

If you suspect someone is considering suicide the first thing you should do is ask them, “Are you planning to hurt or kill yourself?” Be direct.

Spend time educating yourself on the risk factors and warning signs. These include but are not limited to:

family history
current situation and religious beliefs
previous exposure to suicide
expressing hopelessness or feeling trapped
increased harmful activities such as increased drinking or drug use
lack of sleep or too much sleep
withdrawing
mood swings
and more

Provide your loved one with the phone number for the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline, 1-800-273-8255. They are also available on live chat. If your loved one answers yes they are planning to hurt or kill themselves, stay with them and get them to a medical professional who can step in and help.

Help break the stereotype that comes with PTSD by starting the conversation with your loved one. Make sure they know you are a safe place. And if it is you struggling with PTSD find a friend or counselor you trust. Do not carry this burden alone.

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One of the #MeToo Pioneers

#Metoo wasn’t an overnight movement, it was a gradual climb.

In 2006, Tarana Burke first coined the phrase “Me Too” noting the power that was found in those two simple words. As someone who had experienced sexual assault Tarana was looking for a way to give women and girls of color who had survived sexual violence the words and strength necessary to find ‘empowerment through empathy.’ Read the #Metoo Pioneers article titled Meet the woman who coined ‘Me Too’ 10 years ago — to help women of color.

Eleven years later a #MeToo tweet from Alyssa Milano that encouraged women to share their stories went viral. Suddenly a national movement erupted. What felt like an overnight whirlwind had in fact been slowly growing as more and more women were finding their voice, sharing their stories, supporting one another, and for once listening and believing the testimonies being given.

The fact is that every woman who grabbed on to the #MeToo movement had a story that needed to be told. For some that story was new, days or weeks old. For others it happened years prior, even a lifetime ago. It was a gradual progression that erupted in a moment.

Many had not shared their story before. They found courage in those who had been speaking up over the years, like Tarana and Alyssa, who forged a path and primed people’s hearts to be receptive to a national movement. The pioneers of #MeToo told their stories behind closed doors, to judges and lawyers and journalist who often would brush them aside. Yet they never gave up believing that their stories needed to be heard. Believing their stories, my story “The Case from Hell (and Back)”, would bring healing and peace to those who had survived sexual violence. The sacrifice of the #metoo pioneers who were willing to be transparent even amidst the victim blaming, disbelief, and blindness to justice paved the way for the #MeToo movement that took off in 2017 and continues today.

In 1989 I told my story. And then, filled with guilt at tearing our family apart, I took it back.

I was 15 years old and over the years I began to blame myself for the pain I felt. My story began at the age of 7. It wasn’t until I was 43 that I was able to form the words to give my testimony and share that Love Is The Answer, God Is The Cure.  

Aimee Cabo Nikolov is a Cuban American who has lived most of her life in Miami. She is a trained nurse and the president and owner of IMIC, Inc, a medical research company in Palmetto Bay. Aimee is also the author of Love is the Answer God is the Cure.

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Unconditional Love Conquers All

Unconditional love helped me go through many years of abuse, domestic violence – God’s unconditional love, unconditional love of my friends, and gradually I learned to love myself with God’s help. That is why I want to profess unconditional love – give it, embrace it. That is a great solution for many problems. Unconditional love is found in parents for their children, though its not always guaranteed with everyone, nonetheless it is a guaranteed when it comes to God’s unconditional love for each of us.

In these divided times, often, we choose to hate instead of talking to each other, instead we can forgive one another for having differences, a big part of unconditional love. Many religions share the common belief of loving unconditionally, as God love us. Compassion allows us to love even those in opposition to us.

The Buddhist religion teaches about benevolent love – an unconditional love that requires considerable self-acceptance, an unselfish interest in the wellbeing of others.

The Christian religion, as shown in the New Testament, speaks of love – as it was written in Greek used 2 words of love – Agape – charitable, selfless, altruistic and unconditional love, love that is used to create goodness in the world; and Philia – brotherly love.

“Love is patient; love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.” 1 Corinthians 13:4–7 (NIV)”

In Islam – In the Sahih Muslim Hadith, the Prophet Muhammad is reported to have said: “You will not enter paradise until you believe, and you will not believe until you love one another.”

It appears as though the universe pushes us to love each other.

The father of my daughter has taken me through 16 years of child custody battles. These were the hardest times of my life. I never attacked him, always defending myself, I forgive him. He used my daughter, against me, still does, especially now after the traumatic brain injury, she is highly influenceable. I’m not afraid of challenges. I love my daughter unconditionally despite the challenges that come my way, and I have learned to love her father, because I pray for him, that’s how unconditional love conquers all.

Aimee Cabo Nikolov is a Cuban American who has lived most of her life in Miami. She is a trained nurse and the president and owner of IMIC, Inc, a medical research company in Palmetto Bay. Aimee is also the author of “Love is the Answer God is the Cure”.

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How Depression Affects the Family

Depression is something that not only affects the person struggling with it, but it can have a tremendous impact on their loved ones. Depression affects the family, friends and co-workers. And I speak from experience as I suffered for many years with this disorder.

Depression or major depressive disorder is more common than you might think, it is affecting over 30% of the population, that is more then 40 million people just in the USA alone.

Depression can wreak havoc on your mind, your body and your spirit. It negatively affects the way you feel, it can affect the way you think and even how you act.  It can cause you to feel sad, to lose interest in the things you once loved to do, it can affect your appetite, your sleep, it can take away your energy making it difficult some days to simply get out of bed.  You can have difficulty thinking and sometimes you can become overwhelmed with a complete feeling of worthlessness and even guilt.

Most people don’t realize how debilitating depression can be.  I can honestly say that I have experienced all of these symptoms and more. I have been struggling with depression for 30 years, which is one of the primary reasons I chose to speak in public and over the airwaves about my struggles.  I want to share my story so that people going through the same thing, can understand they are not alone. I also wanted to teach the people that think that you can simply shake it off, it is not so simple.

It is very important for the person struggling with depression to count on a loved one, who understands what you go through. There are many treatment options- medications, therapy, ketamine infusions, Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation. I would say that is important to create a team of people to help you – your family, your doctors, your therapist, your friends. There is hope.

 

Aimee Cabo Nikolov is a Cuban American who has lived most of her life in Miami. She is a trained nurse and the president and owner of IMIC, Inc, a medical research company in Palmetto Bay.  She is also the author of Love is the Answer God is the Cure, a book detailing her fight against all odds and how she persevered.

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Unconditional Love Inspired ‘Love is the Answer, God is the Cure’

I started writing my book with the desire to help others. I survived after many years of abuse, custody battles, poverty, addiction, and despair. I want my story and experience to be an example of unconditional love. I am starting this blog as a part of healing. I am in a better place now.

Unconditional love is the only way. Unconditional love comes easy when it comes to our children. God must love us unconditionally and it is evident because we are so blessed. Where is the unconditional love for ourselves? The most challenging thing for an abuse victim is just that. I never wanted anyone to know about my past. I didn’t want them to believe I was broken. I have always been a very private person, so much so, that I wanted to believe I was never abused.

This book would not only be difficult for me to write, but not a word of my past has ever been spoken to anyone other than to my husband over the years. The silence in my psychiatric sessions was awkward so I started bringing my husband to kill the silence. Silently I blamed myself for feeling hurt.

Conventional methods like medication and therapy didn’t seem to work or bring me any closer to loving myself. If I didn’t deal with my past how would I love myself? So even though my story began at the age of 7, I wrote this book at the age of 43. While praying a rosary I felt a strong urge for transparency. I felt if all that happened to me could help others, I would learn to love myself. If sharing my story can help masses of people, then all that I have been through was well worth it. Honestly, I like myself better when I am helping others.

I knew that writing this book would be quite challenging and it might come with a lot of negative ramifications from the perpetrators. Just like the song from Imagine Dragons, if one must sacrifice for the good of all so be it. I am beginning to have unconditional love for myself because I am helping others. That’s unconditional love when you prioritize helping others.

 

Aimee Cabo Nikolov is a Cuban American who has lived most of her life in Miami. She is a trained nurse and the president and owner of IMIC, Inc, a medical research company in Palmetto Bay.  Love is the Answer God is the Cure is her first book.

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