Michelle Wuesthoff's Blog, page 2
March 18, 2019
Danger! These 5 Things Can Kill Your Marriage
Photo by Sweet Ice Cream Photography on Unsplash
Not too long ago, I wrote a couple of posts about marriage that were incredibly well-read. They seemed to have touched upon deep longings most people have within their relationships:
To be known.
Loved.
Affirmed.
Cherished.
I believe when you read these kind of lists, it helps identify what you know to be right and true–even if you haven’t been able to articulate it. Recognizing what you need is usually the first step in getting that need met. Yet, among the many comments I received about those articles, there were painful recognitions that those needs weren’t getting met. For some, not ever within their marriage. That led me to wonder if those people ever recognized what things are detrimental to a healthy marriage before they made that commitment.
So, in response to that question, I’ve compiled my list of the most harmful behaviors that can ultimately kill a marriage.
In a Category of Its Own: Abuse
This should go without saying, but I want to be clear. Physical, sexual, or psychological abuse must not be tolerated in any relationship. It’s an absolute deal-breaker. Only if the abuser recognizes his/her behavior is wrong and seeks serious, long-term professional help should the marriage stay intact. Separation during this period of time—however long it takes—is necessary. Aggressive, harmful behavior takes hard work, dedication, and time to change, and the abused spouse must not be in contact with his/her abusive partner unless it is supervised by a qualified professional.
Marriage-Killer #1: Infidelity
Fidelity is not limited to sexual behavior. By definition, it means loyalty, keeping your promises, performing the duties you signed up for. Read: your wedding vows. Because most of us think of marital unfaithfulness only in sexual terms, we sometimes unwittingly (or carelessly) disregard other behaviors which similarly erode trust and safety within the relationship. Marriage is so much more than a contract. It’s a sacred union of two souls; the ultimate expression of surrender to another person. To do injury to your spouse is to harm your own soul.
Flirting, for instance, is rarely as harmless as it may seem. It’s an invitation and an open gate into territory that has already been claimed. Additionally, when you share emotional intimacy with anyone else to a greater (or equal) degree as what you share with your spouse, it violates the sanctity of your marriage. I really think this includes our friendships as well. We need them—don’t get me wrong. But if you are placing your friendships on a higher plane or at a deeper level than your spouse, you are putting your marriage at risk.
Marriage-Killer #2: Lying
Lying breaks trust. Period. It creates an uneven playing field, preventing both partners from sharing the same reality. In almost every instance, it’s self-serving. If you’re hiding your purchases from your spouse, saying you’re at work when you’re really out with friends, keeping secrets that aren’t “happy surprises,” you’re jeopardizing your marriage. Most of us need to examine our practices around truth-telling. “White lies” are still lies.
Marriage-Killer #3: Checking Out
This is a big one I think most people don’t recognize until it’s too late. Disengaging from your partner wreaks havoc on emotional and physical intimacy. It’s the exact opposite of them, actually. And intimacy, in all forms, is critical to a healthy marriage. We all need alone time, yes. And we shouldn’t allow ourselves to become enmeshed in every crisis, even with our spouses. But part of the “love, honor, and cherish” we promise each other at the altar means being available to them. Emotionally. Physically. In the good times and in the bad times. Checking out not only harms your partner, but yourself. Isolation, as a practice, is detrimental to emotional health.
Marriage-Killer #4: Name-Calling
I’m so fired up about this one. Not that I haven’t resorted to it before—I have, and deeply regret it. But name-calling is so incredibly damaging! It’s ugly and caustic and just plain mean. There is no other motivation behind doing it except to hurt the other person. I believe it causes deep wounding with long-lasting effects because name-calling attacks a person’s identity. It’s like slapping poisonous labels on someone’s soul. Most of us can easily remember being called names as a child—and what those names were. They stay with you for a lifetime, and when they come from the person who is supposed to love you most, it can destroy your marriage along with your self worth.
Marriage-Killer #5: Manipulating
We all do this to some degree, but it doesn’t make it right. Using guilt, fear, sex, or anything else in order to control your spouse is dangerous behavior. Unfortunately, in order for it to even work, one partner has to be compliant and subservient to the other. Manipulating creates an unnatural and unhealthy hierarchy in the marriage. Dominant vs. submissive. Strong vs. weak. More important vs. less important. Whether you’re the manipulator or the one being manipulated, your mindset and boundaries need fixing. Seek help before it gets out of hand.
This is not exactly a happy post, but very needed. So many people suffer needlessly through unhealthy marriages because they don’t recognize the warning signs as they arise. As I said, abuse is in a category of its own, but the other five marriage killers don’t have to be marriage enders. They are fixable and redeemable with help. Both partners need to recognize and own their behaviors. Both partners need to be committed, not only to each other, but to the growth and health of their relationship.
And they have to be willing to change.
Have you experienced or demonstrated any of these dangerous behaviors in your marriage and were able to overcome it as a couple? Encourage one another and if you can, share what brought about the change.
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The post Danger! These 5 Things Can Kill Your Marriage appeared first on Live Life Beautifully.
February 20, 2019
Spiritual Freedom Isn’t a Free Gift
Photo by Andressa Voltolini on Unsplash
As Christians, we are the beneficiaries of so many good things from God, it’s nearly impossible to list them all. We spend a considerable amount of time in prayer and thanksgiving acknowledging that we are undeserving of them, which, of course, is true. He gives us mercy and grace, again and again, despite how big and how often we fall. “Countless second chances,” in the words of a popular Rend Collective song. It’s tempting for us to believe that every good thing we get from God is given as a free gift. But that just isn’t true. Especially when it comes to our spiritual freedom.
Working out our salvation
I’ve always been passionate about emotional and spiritual freedom. You really can’t have one without the other. They just naturally flow out of one another, because both are shaped by your perception of who you are and who God is. Don’t get me wrong—you don’t have to be free from struggles or issues to be emotionally and spiritually free. But it depends on who is in charge: you and the Lord, or your issues. In general, would you say you are living in bondage, or are you living in freedom?
The thing I’ve often noticed is that some people stay stuck, waiting on God to hand them their spiritual freedom. As if it’s all packaged up, wrapped in a bow, ready for Him to give it out when the time is right. It just doesn’t work that way.
Have you ever wondered what Paul meant by “work out your salvation”? (Philippians 2:12) I think he’s talking about what I’m saying right here. Not that we have to work for our salvation, but we should actively work out what being saved should look like. Will people look at us and see the freedom Christ bought for us on the cross? Will we pursue the things God has in mind for us, and live the kinds of lives (inwardly and outwardly) that He intends for us to live?
What does it mean to have spiritual freedom?
Spiritual freedom is living unencumbered by lies about ourselves, the world around us, and God. It’s a mindset of continual growth and healing, and grace for ourselves along the journey. And it’s the willingness and drive to pursue the best possible relationship we can have with our Creator.
How can you have this kind of freedom?
You have to know (and believe) it’s available. The Bible tells us we can do all sorts of things that seem impossible or out of reach, but it doesn’t suggest we will get there by our own strength or power. Read some of these Bible verses on freedom and encourage yourself in the Word.
You have to want it. Nobody should want it more than you do, except God Himself.
Spiritual freedom isn’t something that can be passively received. Though access to it was purchased through Christ’s death on the cross, it is up to us to seek it out.
It requires the willingness to take action and the dedication to do the work required to attain it. The best things in life don’t come without some serious effort and the dedication to see them through.
You will have to give up other things in order to have it. Things like control, justification, bad habits, and your time. Again, if we want to have what is truly valuable, it will most certainly cost us something to get it.
It requires partnership—with God and with others who hold you accountable and encourage you to keep going for it. Though you are fully responsible for your own process, you cannot get there alone.
Once you become free yourself, you then must help others in their journeys toward spiritual freedom. Don’t be content with only your own freedom. Not only is this how we are meant to serve and encourage one another, but this is also how you maintain what you have worked so hard for.
New, different, and more yourself than you’ve ever been
There is a “you” that God had in mind all along when He created you. It’s like a beautiful pearl hidden inside, placed there by God for you to discover. Yes, that pearl has gotten covered over by layers of hurt, shame, fear, and sin throughout your lifetime. But your journey towards spiritual freedom is just a matter of peeling back and removing each of those layers to reveal the pearl inside. It’s becoming the you that you were always meant to be.
Don’t spend another day stuck where you’ve always been. Don’t wait to be given what you were meant to go after yourself. Reach out to those who can help spur you on and encourage you to keep going. But take that next step toward freedom.
I can’t imagine any pursuit that has a bigger payoff than this does. It is completely and utterly life changing and worth every effort.
It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery. Galatians 5:1
Do you have questions, comments, or strategies you’d like to share about pursuing your own spiritual freedom? Let’s encourage one another in the comments below.
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January 30, 2019
5 Ways To Help Your Kids Build a Solid Identity
We are in an all-out identity crisis these days. Though it is part of the human experience to try to sort out who we are at different stages of life, never has that need become as critical or as urgent as it is right now. Whether it’s about gender, sexual orientation, where we fit in, or “why am I here?,” there has been a whole lot of grappling going on, sometimes with tragic results. I have to admit, when I was a younger parent, my children’s sense of their own identity wasn’t really on my radar.
Now I know better.
Partly, that’s due to the fact that we adopted older children a few years ago. We actually have four adopted kids, along with one biological. Adoption itself does bring identity issues to the forefront, but when you adopt kids that have raised themselves for the first 10-12 years of their lives, you realize how necessary good parenting is to building their identities. So now, here I am, an accidental authority on identity-building in kids. Not that I know how to do that perfectly, but I am keenly aware of what is needed.
And what is needed is a solid identity; a firm foundational belief and perspective of who you are.
Because when you know who you are, you tend to make healthy decisions. Decisions that support self-preservation and growth. When you know who you are, your behavior tends to be stable and predictable, because it’s in line with what you believe. And what you believe about yourself, life, and the people around you is informed by a healthy perspective. Relationships are affected by what people believe about themselves. Insecurity—or confidence—flourishes in a person depending on their sense of self.
Think of a newborn baby. Does she know who she is? How does she come to learn that? Generally speaking, she will learn it from two sources: people and experiences. When you think of it in these simple terms, it becomes clear how important it is that kids learn the truth about who they are from their parents.
So how do we do that? Hundreds of ways, probably, but for simplicity’s sake, I’m going to break it down into five general categories. These are what I believe to be the critical truths your kids must believe in order to have a solid identity:
1. I Am Loved.
I’m sure you all know we need to know this. But just as important as you communicating to your child that you love them is your child being able to receive it. Figure out each kid’s love language and speak it! I would prefer to hug and cuddle all my kids, for example, but for some of them, physical affection pushes buttons. Some need to hear me say it. Some need to see it in print. Others need little gifts and tokens of our love.That doesn’t mean we only stick to that one expression. But be aware of what actually makes your child feel loved, not just how you like to show it.
2. I Am Chosen.
We each have a deep need to know that we have been chosen. Think of times in your own life that you have (and have not) been chosen. Can you feel how significant (and often, life changing) those events were? The same is true for your kids. They will have plenty of their own experiences with it. Better to start them right off the bat by knowing that you chose them—and would choose them, again and again. Whether they were adopted, planned, or a surprise, they need to hear the story of how they came to be part of the family, and what a blessing to you that it was. If you can’t easily retell their story, think it through. Write it down. And make sure they hear it often enough to recite it by heart. They will rely on that one day.
3. I Belong.
This is critically important, moms and dads. No jokes about being a black sheep, adopted, etc. No child needs to feel they are “different” or like they don’t belong in their own family. Every single person needs to believe that when the whole world feels against them, they can come home to their family and be completely accepted. That there, they fit in. They belong. They have not just a seat at the table, but their seat. Evidence of their belonging is visible in their home. My dad still has artwork I’ve done over the years in his house, even though I haven’t lived with him since I was 12. That makes me feel at home when I visit. Family traditions, no matter how small, demonstrate familial belonging. This thing that we do? This is us, and I am a part of it. I’ve watched traditions alone give our newest kids a sense of their place in our family.
4. I Am Safe/Secure.
Of course it’s vital that children are physically safe and secure within their families, but what about emotional safety and security? Moms and dads, demonstrate to your children that you are safe for them to run to when they are afraid, sad, lonely, angry, or confused. Help them process their thoughts and feelings, no matter how young or old they are. Every one of us needs to hear it is OK. We need to know we’re “normal” on some level. It is especially important now that your kids don’t pacify themselves (or numb out) in front of a screen. Or with food. Or with buying things. In times of inner turmoil, a child needs to know they can count on you for comfort and to be safe place to land, above all else.
5. I Matter.
Before a child can learn to value himself, he must hear (and know) he matters to you. As I’ve said, I have five children, and one of them happens to be easy-going and laid back. Sometimes a kid like that gets lost in the shuffle or overshadowed by needier, more challenging siblings. I will never forget the time she choked out the question, “Do I matter to you?” through her sobs. It nearly tore my heart in half. Somehow I took it for granted that she knew. She did not. Children need to know that their place in this world matters. Make a point of helping your child see how he makes a difference in your life and in other people’s lives. Not just for what he does, but for who he is.
As a Christian, I believe that our true identity must be grounded firmly in who God says we are and in how He sees us. But even God, in His perfect plan, intended that we build our identity first with our parents. It’s a huge responsibility, and so important that we get this right. Because those 5 areas I outlined are deep, deep needs we all have. And if our kids don’t receive them first from their parents and ultimately, from God, they will look to other sources to fill them. Then they will have placed their very identity in the hands of other people or things. And if they lose them, or are betrayed, hurt, or abused, they won’t know who they are anymore.
But it doesn’t have to be that way. And it’s not too late. I’ve been intentionally working at this for the last couple of years and it’s making a huge difference in my kids’ lives and emotional wellbeing. If you’re reading this and your little ones are still, well…little…lucky you. And lucky them.
Hug their little bodies tight today and tell them who they are.
Photo by Kiana Bosman on Unsplash
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The post 5 Ways To Help Your Kids Build a Solid Identity appeared first on Live Life Beautifully.
January 18, 2019
How I Finally Overcame Mental Illness
Whoa…overcame? That’s a pretty bold statement in the title, even for me. Mental illness (anxiety, depression, PTSD) has dogged me most of my life, and handicapped me for a good portion of it. But not today. Not for a whole year. And now, I’m going to do my very best to back up this outrageous and seemingly over-confident claim.
As I sit here writing, I’ve got Lauren Daigle on in the background. Her album, How Can it Be, was the soundtrack behind the bravest thing I’ve ever done. Exactly one year ago, I checked myself into a mental health clinic for a 30-day stay. And as Daigle’s album plays, it stirs up curiously fond memories of my time there, and reminds me of all God has done in my life since then.
The Back Story
Going to the clinic was not the first line of defense in my battle. I had been in counseling on and off since my twenties, had countless ministry appointments, inner healing sessions, alter calls—even deliverance—but still, mental illness had its grip on me. Don’t get me wrong, I had made a LOT of progress over the years. I worked hard on my part of the healing process, and consistently chose to address whatever I was aware of at the given time.
As the years went by, my nuclear meltdowns got fewer and farther between. But when they did happen, they were bigger and more frightening to me than they ever had been. I lived with the constant fear that one of these days, I wasn’t going to be able to rebound. And then I would be stuck, permanently crippled by insanity.
Just after the New Year, I had an episode that became my line in the sand. I was deeply troubled by some news I had just received, and without meaning to, I picked a fight with one of my kids over something stupid. I ended up swearing at her—something I had never done before—and, wracked with guilt, I retreated to my bedroom, where there happened to be a hefty stack of acrylic plates and cups leftover from New Year’s Eve, waiting to go up in the attic. Overwhelmed by a flood of frightening emotions, I began hurling the cups and plates against the wall. As each one exploded into shards of broken plastic, I felt more and more out of control.
By the time my husband made it upstairs, I had decided that it all must end, right here and now. I was done being held hostage by the fear, anxiety, and swirling thoughts. And less than a week later, on January 20, 2018, I was on a plane to Tallahassee, to spend a month in rehab.
A New Kind of Freedom
I’ve already shared (in a 3-part blog post) what I learned from my time there, and those lessons are just as relevant and valuable today as they were then. Still, I wouldn’t say that I charged out of the gate running and it’s been a smooth ride ever since. How life would be once I was at home was one of my biggest worries. There is a sort of safe “bubble” around you in rehab—even though you’re facing all your stuff, it’s in a controlled environment. And it’s not, well…real life. Because the world around you is not suddenly going to adjust to your new-found healing. It isn’t going to stop throwing those curveballs and triggers. And people are still going to be people. Some will hurt you, some will disappoint.
What had to change and adjust was me, how I processed what came at me, and what choices I would make in response to them. Just as you might expect, I had plenty of opportunities to practice all this. And it’s been a learning curve, like everything else. I’ve handled some things really well, and I’ve messed up on occasion, too. But in the entire calendar year, I’ve only had one “episode” (basically a panic attack) when one of those curveballs was thrown in an area I didn’t expect. I was caught off guard by it, and reacted before I even chose a response. But unlike every other time I experienced a panic attack, I was able to pull myself out of it very quickly and rebounded strong.
And, aside from that one episode, I have been living in total peace and freedom this whole year. Obsessive thoughts and worries have disappeared. No bouts of uncontrollable crying. No outbursts of anger. If this is what “normal” feels like, it’s the best feeling I’ve ever experienced!
And Now, the Hows:
So, the question is, what were the keys to this all working, that I can now claim to have ‘overcome’ mental illness? Well, here they are. They’re not fool-proof, obviously, and maybe they won’t free you from every kind of affliction. But I’m sharing them because they worked for me, and what if it works for you, too? You do want to be free, don’t you? Well, here’s how:
1. You Must Have the Will to Change.
This is Step Numero Uno, and it is a crucial one to take at every juncture along the way. Notice the wording. You must, by your own free will and sheer will, want to change and choose to change. And, you have to want it bad enough to push through what will inevitably be a difficult, painful, and sometimes, scary process. You need to want your own healing and want to change even more than anyone else wants it for you.
2. You Must Learn the Value of Submission and Humility.
This goes hand-in-hand with the will to change. When you operate in humility, you recognize and own your shortcomings, your issues, and the fact that you are definitely not ‘fine’ as you are. If you are focused on others being the cause of the state you’re in, you will unlikely ever receive the deep healing you need. There’s a place for recognizing what’s yours to own and what belongs to others, but if it’s your healing you want, that can’t be contingent upon someone else’s actions or consequences. And secondly, you must be willing (and choose) to submit to the healing process. All of it. Whatever it takes. You must find skilled, trustworthy professionals to help you, and you must follow through with your therapy and assignments. If you truly knew what was best for you, you wouldn’t need the kind of help you do. Sometimes other people do know better, because they have the benefit of objectivity and perspective.
3. Do Your Homework. Every Single Time.
Homework is given to accomplish stuff that can’t be fully dealt with in a counseling session. It takes you further and deeper through the healing process than you can get to without it. And in my experience, it’s where some of the deepest learning and understanding happens. Quiet time working on your assignments gives you the space to reflect, and more importantly, opportunity for you to hear God’s voice in what you’re doing. Then, when you go to your next appointment, you and your therapist can process it together. Finally, doing your homework demonstrates your commitment to doing what you need to do to get better.
4. Train Your Brain to Think Differently.
One of the most fascinating and miraculous things about the brain is that there are areas that can be regenerated, renewed, and awakened. I am far from a brain expert, but I do know that our experiences, particularly if they involve trauma, physically affect the brain. They lay down neural pathways that function like well-traveled superhighways, so that certain thoughts and behaviors are inextricably connected to those past events. These pathways actually fire faster than the ones we use to reason or use logic. That’s why so many of us react before we even think it through. But we can retrain our brains by rehearsing new thought patterns, especially if we can connect them to new (good) experiences. If we can commit ourselves to rehearse new, healthy, positive truths and beliefs, we can actually change how we automatically think. I can personally attest to the fact that it works!
5. Seek to Eliminate Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms.
If you’re honest with yourself (and you ask others,) you will know what those specific things are for you. Realistically, you can’t get rid of all of them at once, but you’ll know where to start. I went without social media and television for a year, so I could truly focus on the Lord and my healing. At another point, I gave up drinking for an extended period of time, until I knew that I would not use alcohol to manage my anxiety. I can’t say I don’t sometimes cope in other unhealthy ways, but I’m trying to just tic them off my list, one by one. When you do take away a coping avenue, you will have to face head-on what it is you’re coping from. And that’s a good thing.
6. Have a Real Plan in Place for When Mental illness Symptoms Surface.
I call this my Disaster Recovery Plan, and I keep it in a bright blue notebook in my office closet. It is created from a template that helps me identify what is going on, where it’s coming from, and what I can do next. This has absolutely saved me from spiraling into irrational thoughts and behaviors, and just knowing I have it if needed helps so much. If you’d like a copy, you can sign up to download it here.
7. Rebuild and Embrace Your True Identity.
(hint: mental illness isn’t part of it!) My firm belief is that the only way to do this accurately, is to get to really understand who the Father is, and who you are because of Him. How He’s made you. How much He loves you. Spend time in the Word. Read some good, solid books by wise people who’ve walked where you have walked. There are many I can recommend if you want to reach out. One of them I wrote myself and highly recommend!
8. Make Peace with Your Diagnosis.
Whatever your diagnosis is—you have IT, IT does not HAVE YOU. Don’t own it as who you are, any more than you would say diabetes or psoriasis is part of your identity. It’s a condition that many, many other people have. You are not alone. There is no shame in it. If you are like the vast majority of people with mental illness, you are not helpless, and you have choices in how to manage it.
9. Take Medication if You Need It.
Again, no shame here. There are a multitude of options available, so don’t get discouraged if it takes a while to find the right thing for you. For me, medication was the final step in my process. Not because I wasn’t doing well, but because I recognized I was still experiencing anxiety despite addressing everything else. I can’t find the right words to describe how I feel, except to say there’s a ‘lightness’ I feel that I’ve never felt before now. It’s wonderful.
10. Have a Support Network Around You.
This is last, but certainly not least important. You need good professionals helping you and they are out there. You need good friends. Family. People that will love you even if you’re difficult sometimes, and people who love you enough to a) be completely honest with you, and b) celebrate BIG when you make significant gains. Find your tribe.
That’s a lot of stuff, I know. I think it’s the longest post I’ve written so far, but it’s so important to get this out there, that there is hope for those with mental illness.I’m sure you can see by that list that none of this is easy or quick. I’ve been at this stuff a long time.
In fact, I turned 50 this year, and you know what? It’s the best freaking year of my life so far.
Am I cured? Probably not.
Triggers will still be there. Tendencies towards anxiety and PTSD will most likely remain with me the rest of my life. I’m not cured, but I am FREE.
Free from a lifetime of bondage. Free from worry that I’ll lose myself to my broken brain.
I have been empowered. Healed.
I have overcome.
Friends, I’m back from the brink.
And I’m here to stay.
(this song, right here, was my ANTHEM at the clinic. They even played it when I graduated from the program! Now, it’s a beautiful reminder of all God has done. Don’t leave me hanging here, all vulnerable and alone—comment below. This is a safe place.
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November 27, 2018
5 Things Every Man Needs From His Wife
Hey friends! I’m back this week (as promised!) talking about marriage once again. And today, I’m focusing on you ladies out there, and how you, as a wife, can meet some very important needs of your man. To be totally honest up front, I’m feeling a bit vulnerable in sharing from this perspective. Partly it’s because I’m not a man (spoiler alert) and even though I am sharing my husband’s views in addition to my own, I can’t say I fully understand what it’s like to be the opposite sex the way I do my own.
I also understand that I am operating from an extremely privileged and blessed position: within a healthy, happy marriage. Not everyone is in this kind of a relationship, and I want to recognize that it truly, absolutely, completely takes both husband and wife to make a marriage work and last. I want to be sensitive to this in my advice-giving.
My husband and I started dating just before entering college—at 18 years old—and we were very good friends 3 years prior to that. So we have, in many ways, grown up together. We’ve run the gamut from geeky, awkward, gushing teenagers. to stressed-out new parents (5 times over), to uh, “mature” adults on the verge of empty nesting. We’ve had our share of obstacles along the way, but we have learned from them and used them to help make our marriage stronger. And it’s from this place and experience that I want to share what we believe all husbands need from their wives.
Once again, there are things that go without saying. Both the husband and wife need trust, loyalty, fidelity, and love in order for their marriage to work at all.
The same goes for compassion, kindness, respect, and the like. There’s a host of basics we must adhere to as married people, and I think most of you recognize and can name what those things are. I’m not here to point out the obvious and treat you like you’re dumb.
What I am here to share are some things that are maybe a little deeper than you’re used to considering when it comes to considering your man’s needs. Because I believe beneath the ‘surface’ needs that we might already recognize, are deeper, more critical needs that aren’t always so obvious. And to be honest, I think knowing why your spouse needs what he or she does can make all the difference. Knowing why can really inspire how we respond and what that response ultimately is.
Alright ladies, hold onto your hats! The 5 things every man needs from his wife:
Validate him.
Let him know, unequivocally, that he is worthy of your love. Tell him why you love him—why he’s good. He needs to hear from his wife that she approves of him as a man. That he represents masculinity well: he is strong, a good provider, handsome, makes you feel secure, etc. Equally important is to validate his feelings and emotions–let him know that they matter to you and that they are real. Think of how many outside forces are out there, ready to cut him down and convince him that he will never be good enough. He needs to know from you that he is.
Be his friend.
Your husband needs your companionship.To know that you like spending time with him because you like him, as well as love him. Show interest in the things that interest him; go with him to a game or two, find enjoyment in at least one thing he likes to do. Never ridicule or pass off the things he likes as silly, stupid, or a waste of time. You’d never do that to a friend, would you? I said in last week’s post that every woman needs her husband to be president of her fan club…this is very similar, but with more action and less talk. Friendship between men is centered around doing things together. That’s how the real connecting happens. Pick an activity or learn to do something together that neither of you has done before. Try a few things until you find something that becomes your ‘thing’ you do together.
Speak words of affirmation.
Obviously, they need to be genuine words, but this is so important, it’s one of The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman! Affirmation is very similar to validation, but I think it applies to a lot more “everyday” stuff. Compliment how he looks, his cologne, his sense of humor. Tell him that (and why) you think he’s good at his job. Remind him why you love him and why you think others love him too. Affirm him every single day, without fail. Watch the effect it has on him—you will see his confidence grow and his affection for you increase. And, most likely, the compliments will begin to flow your way as well!
Tell him you appreciate what he does.
We women work hard, but our husbands do, too. And they need to hear from us that we are grateful for their hard work. At their jobs. For mowing the lawn and scooping up the dog poop when he doesn’t feel like doing either. For reaching every dang thing in those upper kitchen cabinets for us so that we don’t have to climb up on a chair or on the counter. The late night runs to the store when we forget something or have a craving. We need to tell them we appreciate them doing the everyday normal stuff, just as we appreciate those times they go above and beyond. Because, don’t we like to be thanked for those things, too? Everyone wants to feel that what they do matters, especially as a husband or wife. We want to be significant to our spouses in all sorts of ways, and recognized for it regularly. When we lavish our appreciation on one another, the other person doesn’t need to ask for it or go in search of finding it elsewhere. Husbands need to feel they are appreciated at home more than in any other context.
Have sex regularly.
You knew it had to be on this list. I was gonna list it first, and my husband told me to move it to the bottom. And here’s why: It’s the summation of numbers 1-4. It encompasses all of them and then some. So here’s the thing, ladies: we’re not always 100% compatible with him, are we? Like, you know…frequency, desire, drive…that kind of stuff. This was a major marital obstacle for us, particularly because I am a sexual abuse survivor. But without getting too personal, I’ve learned some things along the way. First of all, that we just don’t see or experience sex the same way, as men and women. And if we want to reach some kind of common ground in this area, a husband and wife must talk about sex candidly, honestly, and at times and places where it’s less likely to lead to an argument. We must each share our hows and whys and whats about it all. Chances are, they’re really, really different. And the things you’ve assumed all along about each other might not be exactly what you thought. Underneath the physicality of it all, sex for men validates, gives confidence, and provides nurture and love in a different way than it does for women. It satisfies (in part) the very basic needs of worthiness, value, and love. So be present with him. Don’t make him feel like you are with him out of obligation to your wifely duties. Deep needs, like the ones I’ve described, are never truly met with fake substitutes.
There is, of course, more I could add to this list, but these are the most basic, crucial things every man needs from his wife. And as a wife that has been doing these things for years (albeit not perfectly) do you know what the result has been for me? I have fallen deeply, madly in love with my husband all over again—more than I ever have been. The actual practice of loving of this way—and the choice to practice it regularly—has led to an incredibly fulfilling relationship for both of us.
And believe me, when you both are loving each other in the ways I’ve described, meeting each other’s deepest needs, your marriage thrives.
And lasts.
If you missed it last week, click here to read “5 Things Every Woman Needs From Her Husband.”
What other advice would you give to others on what men and women need from their spouses? Comment below!
Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash
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November 21, 2018
5 Things Every Woman Needs From Her Husband
Alright, guys, listen up. I’m talking to you, husbands, husband wanna-bes, young men, and older men. I’m also talking to the ladies: those of you who are still young and/or unmarried, and those of you in marriages that are less than fulfilling. Today, I’m putting on my ‘marriage expert’ hat to share a few things I’ve learned along the way about how to have a healthy, happy marriage. What makes me a ‘marriage expert’? Years of on-the-job training!
But seriously, I’ve been very happily married for almost thirty years, and though we’ve had our tough times and trials, we’ve consistently been able to maintain a solid relationship. On one hand, we started out solid, stable, and happy, but we have always tried to improve and deepen what we already had. So all these years later, we have found what works well and are happier, closer, and more in love than we have ever been.
Because of this, people often ask us for marriage advice and counsel. We’re always happy to give it, and it was actually my husband’s idea to post some of our suggestions here on my blog. And lest you think I’m putting it all on the guys to make the marriage work, don’t worry. I’ll be writing on the flip-side of this topic next week.
To begin with, I’m gonna leave out the ‘don’ts.’
This isn’t about performance or getting it perfect. It’s about doing the small-but-significant things, sowing the necessary seeds to grow in your love relationship in order for the marriage to bloom and flourish.
Secondly, there are things that go without saying (fidelity, loyalty, etc) and I’m not gonna go there either. Use your heads, people.
But I’m here to point out some maybe not-so-obvious things that women need and (dare I say it?) deserve. And I’m saying
‘every woman’ in the title, because I believe these are basic heart/soul/spirit needs every woman has that her husband can
actually fulfill. And when your spouse is filling your heart/soul/spirit with good stuff, that makes for a pretty happy life and
marriage overall.
So without further ado, here’s the list (drumroll, please):
Tell her that you love her and that she’s beautiful every day.
And by every day, I mean EVERY. DAY. No exceptions. For the past twenty-eight years (plus the four years we dated,) my husband has told me these things at least five times each day. Sometimes more often than that. Occasionally he asks me, “Are you getting tired of me telling you this?” I always answer no, even though at this point, I don’t always feel like I need to hear it. But I’m telling you, every day, we each go out into the cold, cruel world and face life, head on. Often, it drains the very life out of you. And even if you know it in your head and your ears don’t need to hear that you’re loved and beautiful today, believe me, your spirit does.
Be the president of her fan club.
No one should be more excited about who she is and what she does than you. You should be her biggest cheerleader and encourager. Take interest in what interests her, and join her in at least one thing she is passionate about. To love her is to love what she loves.To value what she values.To take pleasure in what pleases her. Nobody does that with everything and all the time, but the point is, if she ever feels the whole world is against her on any given day, she knows that at least you think she is completely wonderful.
Routinely give her a break from decision-making.
Women are the ultimate multi-taskers and decision-makers. Kids, career, household chores, meals, ministry…you name it. And your wife is holding it all in a delicate balancing act, trying not to let anything drop. Most women are the ones who also are expected to remember (and buy the gifts for) birthdays, Christmas, weddings, bar mitzvahs—you get the picture. Relieve some stress now and then by taking over and making a decision for her. “I’ve got dinner covered tonight.” “Let me take care of ___________ for you this time.” “Why don’t I plan something for the kids to do this weekend?” Stuff like that goes a long way towards making her feel supported, appreciated, and nurtured.
Remind her that you chose her, and would choose her all over again.
There is something profoundly powerful about being chosen. I believe we are hardwired to desire it. To hear that, of all the choices that were out there, “I picked you.” My husband reminds me of this at every wedding we attend. He scans the crowd (wherever we are) and pronounces, “I’ve taken note of every woman here, and you know what? You’re the one I want.” This cultivates security within the marriage. Belonging. Value. (Are you sensing a theme here?)
Guide, help, and encourage her to step into her God-given potential.
This one is so important, you guys. Every one of us loses sight of who we are, what we possess, and what we could step into. Don’t allow her to settle! This isn’t nagging or pressuring, this is calling her higher, and we all need this. When a husband does this (along with the other four things,) he is truly looking out for his wife’s highest and best. And this is true of her inner life as well as what she does with her life.
These five things aren’t the only things a woman needs from her husband, of course, but when all five are happening, it isn’t just the woman that benefits. The marriage bond is strengthened. The commitment between partners is deepened. The heart-to-heart connection between husband and wife is knitted together tighter.
The marriage thrives.
Happy wife, happy life, people say. But this is more than making a woman happy by giving her what she wants. (Sometimes, what we want isn’t good for us at all!) This is about a husband meeting his wife’s deepest needs. Being ‘the provider’ of so much more than money and things. And in doing so, he is calling himself to higher and better. Inasmuch as we are able to truly lift one another up, we are lifted up ourselves.
Marriage is hard work. But that hard work pays off and can result in the most beautiful, symbiotic relationship you will ever experience. Worth every effort, and I can testify to that personally.
And so can my husband.
Next week, I’ll be sharing from his perspective: 5 Things Every Man Needs From His Wife.
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November 13, 2018
Even in the Desert, He Loves You
If you know me at all, you know I’m a beach lover. Like, a sold-out, obsessed, any-chance-I-get-I’m-there kind of a beach lover. It’s my happy place. A place I can meet with God in utter bliss. I mean, what could possibly be a better setting to experience how much He loves you?
I also collect heart-shaped rocks I find on the beach. To me, they’re little love notes from God, and I have a giant glass jar of them in my living room as a reminder. This past August, I was faced with somewhat of a dilemma. We were dropping our daughter off at college in California, and had a couple of extra days afterward for a quick getaway. Do we go back to the beach again, or try something different? For some reason, I felt unusually drawn to visit the desert…and so we headed off to Joshua Tree National Park.
Truth be told, I loved every minute of it. The sun, the heat, the mountains, the alien-looking cacti and cool creatures I’ve never seen anywhere else. But probably my favorite moment was discovering a heart-shaped rock right in front of me on one of those desert paths. I picked it up, and my own heart swelled as I contemplated this amazing truth, this unexpected lesson at an unforeseen time:
Even in the desert, He loves you.
The Bible is full of desert stories. Often, ‘desert’ is interchangeable with ‘wilderness’ or ‘wasteland;’ a place that is stark, barren, and away from civilization. Though a good portion of Israel and its surrounding areas is indeed a literal desert, God also uses desert places in these stories symbolically. Just think of what the word ‘desert’ conjures up for you:
Dry. Empty. Desolate. Lonely. Dangerous.
A place of trial. Hard times, isolation.
Not exactly a place you want to be in. Nevertheless, in the Bible and in real life now, we all find ourselves there at some point. Philosophy professor, Holmes Rolston, (Colorado State University) describes the desert this way:
When Moses led the Hebrews out of Egypt, the desert was a training ground.
For Joshua, it was a battleground.
For David, exile.
With Elijah, the desert was despair and defeat.
With Ezekiel, desolation and judgment.
Even for Jesus, it was temptation and trial.
Some people fled to the desert for safety and to escape life’s problems; other times, they were driven there as outcasts, rejected and alone. And sometimes, God Himself led His beloved into the desert!
Why would He do this? Well, to prove something:
His character.
In the desert, He shows His people that He can be trusted. That He provides. Guides you–carries you, when necessary. That He speaks, and that you can hear His voice.
In the desert, God shows up. He meets you, He cleans you up, attends to you, and brings restoration. And out of those desert encounters, He proves something else:
Your character.
The Father uses the deserts in your life to strengthen you, sharpen you, and refine you. He uses your dry seasons to call you out of your sensory-overload, and when you are acutely aware of the silence and the nothingness of it all, He arouses your desperation to hear His voice once again. And once He has your attention, He cups your face in His loving hands, and speaks tender words of encouragement and hope to your weary soul.
God allows (and sometimes orchestrates) these desert experiences to prepare you for coming opportunities to step into greater authority, more freedom, and a deeper faith. You emerge from that place with a renewed understanding of who God is and what you are made of.
I’m convinced we don’t get there (as much as I would like it if we did) by strolling on the beach. Those beach days are rewards to be cherished and enjoyed, but they don’t cultivate our growth the way the desert does. Perhaps this is why I felt unusually drawn there this summer, when I could have easily chosen my happy place.
Like me, you probably don’t long for growth the way you long for days of fun in the sun, but this is precisely why we need our Father, who knows what is best for us! Because He knows what you are capable of, and is not satisfied with leaving you in your current state. He sees your potential; His dreams for you are bigger than your own.
And He wants to see them realized.
He wants you to experience deeper healing and freedom from the things that hold you back. His Father’s heart longs to connect with yours, so that through this channel, He can pour in more of what you truly need.
And so, He woos you–waits for you–in the dry, desolate, lonely places. And He meets you there.
Because even in the desert–
especially in the desert–
He loves you.
Photos by Sasha • Stories, Michelle Wuesthoff, and Toa Heftiba on Unsplash
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November 7, 2018
Fear of Failure: How to Kick It to the Curb
I’ve been quiet on the writing front lately, and it’s only due in part to busyness. Over the past year or so, I’ve written plenty on fear—I’ve delved into my own personal fears and explored ones that many of us face. And I’ve had considerable victory over fear (if I do say so myself,) thanks to good therapy, hard work, and the Almighty God. I’m happy overall, things are going well for me and with my family, and from the outside, you’d probably think I pretty much have my act together now. But the truth is, behind the scenes, I’ve been spinning my wheels on several fronts, not really getting anywhere, except more and more frustrated and down on myself. In a recent coaching session, I came to what I believe is at the root: fear of failure.
Now, I know that fear of failure is common and that there is no shame in it, but still…I hardly fit the profile (the one I created) for this particular struggle. I am not afraid to take a risk on a new idea. I’m not intimidated to learn new things or go into uncharted territory. And I understand well that everything has a process, and that process almost always includes trial and error. Still, I often end up paralyzed—doing the safe ‘nothing’ instead of the precarious ‘something’—because deep down, I’m afraid of what will happen if I don’t succeed. And I’m not talking about the little things here. I’m referring to my deepest passions, my career, my big goals and dreams in life. The important stuff.
What if I end up a big, fat failure at those?
I know my answer to that question, and it’s not pretty. Chances are, your answer isn’t either. And there, in the answer, lies the fear-behind-the-fear.
Dig down a little deeper, and you will discover the lie behind the fear-behind-the-fear: my worth is tied to my successes and failures.
I know, I know, I KNOW this is not true…in my head. I can recite several Scriptures that contradict this. And, as I described in my book, Grafted In, I really have learned to ground my identity in Him. I know He determines my true value. But even so, my heart still has pockets of insecurity that I haven’t yet emptied.
However, one of the things I’ve found in my seemingly endless process of removing lies and believing truths is that it’s critical you believe your own voice when you’re doing it. Find words that resonate; words that are palatable to you that you can actually swallow. You may have to work a bit to find those right words, but it’s worth the struggle.
So then, these are the ones I’ve put together to kick my fear of failure to the curb. If they resonate with you, say ’em with me, won’t you? Nice and loud, for the people in the back:
My value comes from who I am, and not from what I can produce. Who am I? I am my beliefs, my loves, my passions. I am how I behave and what I choose. What I think and what I say. I am not defined by any one of these things, but by a combination of all of them. Who I am and how I show up in life begins to define my value.
Who I am is loved and accepted by God, every minute of every day. I do not have to work to be loved by Him. I do not have to try to gain His acceptance or His approval. My belonging is completely secure. When life is complicated and hard, I can find rest in this immovable truth.
I am not solely responsible for my own success. I need to do my own due-diligence, but the Lord is my champion, my promoter, my opportunity-maker, and my impact-sustainer. When I fully lean on him to fulfill those roles, I can offload the burden I’ve placed on myself to make it all happen.
Failure at _______ does not equal being a failure. Some things just may not work, the timing may not be right, or maybe whatever I’m trying just ain’t my bag. Whatever those things are, those things are not who I am.
Success and impact are not always measurable every step along the journey. My life is a whole, the same way I am a whole and not just a collection of body parts. I’m an unfinished work, and my journey is still ahead of me. So let’s stop constantly assessing how we’re doing, shall we? Just stop it.
There are some of us who have work to do on how we’re showing up in life, on our behavior, and on our decision-making skills. OK, let’s be honest–all of us do. But if you (like me) for the most part, ARE showing up, living an obedient life, moving forward the best you know how, let me assure you: YOU CANNOT FAIL in the grand scheme of things.
I’m saying this to myself as I write.
Because with God in His rightful place in our lives, we cannot be failures, no matter what we do. If we allow Him to work in us, with us, and through us, He will see to it that we will succeed according to His standards, which are certainly higher and better than our own.
I’m convinced some of the biggest regrets in life are the ones where we could have done something but were afraid to, or should have done something but were unable to do it because we got in our own way. I don’t want to live that way.
I want to go for it. The big, scary, risky stuff. The stuff that matters.
And I want to go unafraid.
Photo by Nathan Dumlao on Unsplash
Talk to me. What has your fear of failure been holding you back from doing? Let’s be a community that encourages each other to go for it!
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September 19, 2018
Grafted In: My Interview on the Ordinary Faith Podcast
Hey everybody! Here is a link to my very first podcast interview about my book, Grafted In. It aired on the Ordinary Faith Podcast, hosted by Dan Jackson, on Monday, September 17, just prior to the official release of the book on the 18th. I met Dan a little over a year ago, and we connected over shared interests of blogging and adoption. Dan is an adoptive parent himself, and a pastor at Southland Christian Church in Kentucky. I had the honor of guest-posting on his site just about a year ago. You can read that post here. Since that time, Dan has begun to host a weekly podcast highlighting people’s ordinary faith and God’s extraordinary grace, and I was overjoyed to be asked to share a little of my story behind Grafted In in my interview with him this week:
5 kids, 4 adoptions, 3 continents.
That’s where Michelle’s journey began. Then, after losing a friend to a terminal illness, losing a church to a unexpected crisis, and nearly losing her mind while trying raise a multi-cultural family, God intervened. Since that time, Michelle has been on a process of discovering what it means to be grafted into the family of God.
In Episode 09 of the #ordinaryfaithpodcast , I chat with Michelle about what it means to find healing in the welcoming arms of the Father, and wholeness within his lavish, extravagant, and reckless love.
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For more episodes of Ordinary Faith and some great resources and blog posts, please visit danieljackson.us
To purchase Grafted In or its companion devotional, New Life, Renewed Heart, please visit Amazon.com.
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The post Grafted In: My Interview on the Ordinary Faith Podcast appeared first on Michelle Wuesthoff.
September 11, 2018
May We Never Forget: September 11
May we never forget that day, though nearly an entire generation has emerged in its wake;
A day with piercing, sapphire skies, so typical of September.
And typically, it began.
The rush hour throng had subsided, and everyday people went about their everyday jobs, doing everyday things.
We all were living, striving, pushing onward as we always do, bogged down with life, yet blissfully unaware of what was about to rip through the veil of our current reality.
8:46am, September 11.
Our mouths and eyes hung open wide, and our minds struggled to process what we had just seen and heard. The smoke poured from the North Tower, while the rescuers and helpers scrambled to their feet.
As we stood, paralyzed, watching…watching…processing…praying, we witnessed that second plane, and our world forever changed. May we never forget.
May we never forget the horror of that day; the deluge of ashes, the screams, the deafening silence, and the fear that more was coming.
We were keenly aware of our vulnerability then, our need for a savior in any form he chose to manifest.
And he was there that day, present and active in each and every hero, and with each and every precious soul whose light was snuffed out.
He was there and we knew it. Even in our terror, we sensed his presence. We called out to him for help; we called out in our grief.
And in the terror, and the chaos, and the utter darkness of that day, he came.
His presence was made manifest in unthinkable displays of self-sacrifice and in the unprecedented coming-together of a nation.
May we never forget that, on that day, our common bond as New Yorkers, as Americans, as humans supplanted any need to set ourselves apart from one another:
“United we stand, divided we fall.”
Everyone had a connection on September 11; everyone had a story. And we listened.
We held one another in our arms and cried together. We mourned for one another, we mourned for ourselves. Our grief was intensely personal then and we did not hide it.
For a time our priorities were clear and simple: love our families, love our neighbors.
We crossed our protective boundaries of race, religion, gender, and lifestyle to gather together by candlelight and pray. And we prayed, “May we never forget.”
But, oh God…we have indeed forgotten the wrong things.
We remembered the lost, we remembered the heroes, the fear, and how terrorism raped our innocence and naivety, leaving us hardened and resolved: never again.
We remembered our patriotism, we remembered the flag; the military, the police, and the firefighters. As we should.
But we have all but forgotten the most important things our darkest times should teach us:
That we need one another.
And we need God .
September 11 was not a day he created to teach us a lesson, yet with our partnership in his plan, we can learn from it, be better for it. We can choose this.
But we have forgotten.
We have allowed the superficial, the what-we-see-on-the-outside, to divide us once again. Neighbor against neighbor: our colors, our life choices, our stance on whether to stand or take a knee—these things now weigh us down and pull us apart.
Nationalistic pride will not fix this.
Nor Bible-beating, nor elections, nor “taking back” our communities, our churches, or our nation.
Our only true hope lies in remembering
that we need God
and we need one another,
and we need to seek out both.
That it is incumbent upon us to be the heroes who rush in to help the helpless, to hold the hurting, to see the common bond of humanity that connects us all,
and kneel together at the feet of our Savior. In gratitude, in supplication, and in loyal love.
These are the lessons of September 11.
Oh God, may we never forget.
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Oh Hey, Anxiety. You’ve Been Unfriended.
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The post May We Never Forget: September 11 appeared first on Michelle Wuesthoff.
