Harmony Dust's Blog, page 3
July 2, 2019
Help Her Find Freedom
May 14, 2019
The Problem With “Shoulding” All Over People
I am a recovering unsolicited advice giver. For most of my life, if anyone approached me with a problem, I had an answer. On demand. Passionately and emphatically, I would explain the solution, usually with a book recommendation to boot. If it were a friend, they would receive said book as their birthday gift. If my advice was unwanted, or worse, untaken, well, that was their loss!
In my unsolicited-advice-giving-superhero-cape-wearing-hay-day, one of my favorite words was “should.” As in, “You should…
break up with him
go to this school
read this book
call this person
go to this recovery group
apply for this job.”
I was never at a loss for answers. Thankfully, a program called Celebrate Recovery as well as a handful of incredible books (that I will only tell you about if you ask me), helped me change my ways. I no longer feel compelled to fix or improve other people. I’ve retired my superhero cape and instead choose to focus on my personal growth and healing. It turns out this keeps me pretty occupied!
Today the word “should” hits my ears as harshly as a curse word. Once out of my mouth on the reg, it now makes me cringe! The term is damaging and loaded, especially when it comes to relationships. Here are the top three problems with “should”:
It’s Disempowering
Telling someone they should do something implies, “I know better than you.” It puts us in a one-up position and sends a message that we are the authority on the issue at hand. While we may have valuable input from time to time, we are not the experts on other people’s lives. They are the ones who have access to their thoughts, feelings, motivations, history, desires, hopes, and dreams- not us. We don’t know best so let’s stop acting as if we do.
It Fosters Codependency
Some people want another person to tell them exactly what to do. When I found out my ex-husband had been having affairs, I practically begged my sponsor to lay out my steps. I felt so powerless and defeated and just wanted someone to take charge. Thankfully, she did not bite. Instead, she helped me explore options, pray, take inventory of my wants and needs, and ultimately, make my own decisions. If she had told me what to do, it could have triggered a co-dependent relationship. People who struggle with co-dependency are in a constant game of, “I don’t want to take responsibility for my wants, needs, and feelings, so I need someone else to take care of me.” (The flip side can be “I don’t want to take responsibility for my wants, needs, and actions, so I am going to try to control yours.”)
It’s Shaming
The word should carries a message of shame and judgment. It communicates to the other person, “your behavior is wrong or bad, and I can tell you how to change it because I am ‘better’ than you in this area.” It’s especially harmful when commenting on past behavior. For example, “Why did you do ABC? You should have done XYZ.” None of us want to hear that, nor can we change the past. The best we can do is learn from it. Comments about what’s already history only make people feel worse about their choices.
The good news is, eliminating should from our vocabulary is hugely beneficial. Research has shown people are more likely to invest in and commit to a solution they’ve come up with themselves. That means instead of doling out absolute advice, merely coming alongside someone in support is what’s most helpful. Especially when it comes to mentoring relationships, one of the best things we can do is let people arrive at their solutions. I’ve replaced all my old convincing phrases with an arsenal of encouraging questions to help others explore future-focused solutions. These are my new go-to’s when people ask for my advice:
What are your options?
What is your gut telling you to do?
What would happen if you followed through with XYZ?
What can you do the next time you find yourself in this situation?
I know I respond a lot better to questions than people forcing their opinion on me. Life can get messy if we are “shoulding” on people left and right! Let’s get rid of the dirty word and keep our sides of the street clean.
Love,
Harmony
If you’d like to hear more about my story you can get a copy of my memoir Scars and Stilettos…
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April 23, 2019
Not everyone is going to like you… and it’s really okay
Until my mid-twenties, I could not swallow the reality that some people just won’t like me. If I sensed that someone was put off by me, I began a campaign to change their mind. Surely, if they just understood my motives, or had a chance to get to know me better, I could convince them to like me. What a waste of time!
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I know I am not alone. We live in a world where just about everyone and their pets have a social media account where we get to create highlight reels of our best moments in life for the likes, comments and applause of others. I have a few of these accounts myself and am absolutely guilty of not posting when I lose my patience with my tween or slip my maternity jeans back on because my pants still don’t fit, even though my baby is a year old. Why? I want people to like me so I show my best parts. Ironically, I think people are so hungry for truth they would probably really appreciate the above mentioned post ideas!
Signs you may care too much about what other people think
You replay conversations in your head and analyze what kind of impression you made.
You imagine conversations other people might be having about you.
You have trouble telling people “no”.
You dissect people’s behavior to figure out what they think about you. For example, if they don’t respond to a text right away, like or comment on your post, or show up to your party, you take it as evidence they don’t like you.
You let criticism crush you. Replaying negative feedback on a mental loop in your head, you allow it to damper your mood or affect your day.
You let people’s praise build you up… a little too much. Compliments are great. It’s normal to enjoy positive feedback. But, it becomes dangerous when we allow it too much power over how we feel about ourselves.
We are hesitant to share thoughts, opinions, or interests that contradict or are different from those whose approval you are seeking.
I have done each and every one of these things. For a long time, I chased after the approval of others and allowed it to define me. This behavior came from a deep place of insecurity. I thought that if I could get people to like me, I could prove that I am worth loving. Once I began to truly love and appreciate who I am, with all of my quirks, strengths and weaknesses, the need for approval began to melt away.
According to Jesus, the two greatest commandments are to love God with all our heart, soul, mind and strength and to love our neighbor as ourselves. (Mark 12:28-31). Our ability to love our neighbor is directly connected to our love for ourselves. Here are a few of the things that helped me cultivate love for myself.
I changed my self-talk. If I wouldn’t say something so unkind and critical to someone else, why would I allow myself to say/think it of myself?
I made a commitment to quit comparing myself to others. They say that comparison is the thief of joy and I believe it. Picking out the best qualities in others and measuring myself against them was a sure-fire way to get me in a funk. So, I stopped doing that.
I decided to be kind to myself. Sometimes this meant giving myself grace when I made a mistake. Other times it meant doing something fun or resting when I needed to.
Learning to love myself not only freed me approval addiction, but it helped me to be a more loving person to others.
There is so much freedom in accepting that I am not everyone’s cup of tea! Plus, I drink coffee anyway.
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April 2, 2019
Signs You Might Be Codependent
Codependency almost wrecked my life.
I was scrambling to manage my ex’s addictive behaviors and their consequences, my father’s constant manic episodes that landed him in various jails and mental hospitals, answering crisis calls at all hours of the night, and absolutely drowning in a workload that was humanly impossible to carry. Not to mention, I gave unsolicited advice to anyone who even remotely hinted at a challenge in their life.
It took losing my marriage, losing a home and nearly losing my very self to force me to a place where I realized I needed help.
Being the daughter of a parent who struggled with addiction, codependent relationship patterns were ingrained in me so deeply that they felt completely normal. I thought it was my responsibility to care for the wants, needs and feelings of everyone around me, even at my own expense.
When I was 17, after a brief time in foster care, the Department of Children and Family Services mandated that my mother and I go to therapy in order for me to return home. Noticing the dynamics in our relationship, that therapist was the first person who pointed out tendencies towards codependency in me. She recommended a 12-step program called Al-Ateen, for children of people struggling with addiction.
Unfortunately, it wasn’t until 14 years later, when my life spiraled out of control, that I finally went to a 12-step meeting for codependency through Celebrate Recovery. Better late than never.
It wasn’t until I truly understood codependency that I began to see how it was wreaking havoc in my life and could finally make some changes.
If you have ever wondered if you might struggle with codependency too, here are some signs and some solutions.
Putting the needs of others before your own
One of the tell-tale signs of codependency is that we get so busy taking care of everyone else, we forget to take care of ourselves. We put the needs of others before our own. Of course, there are times when we make sacrifices for people and arrive for them in a time of need. There are also times where we rightly take on the role of caregiver, perhaps with young children or a parent whose health is failing. But if caring for others becomes a primary way of engaging in relationship and we constantly neglect ourselves in the process, it’s codependent. In cases where our loved ones are struggling with addictions or other hurtful habits, “helping them” isn’t actually even helping them. Instead, we are enabling poor choices by rescuing them from their consequences.
When I began to face this tendency with complete honesty, I discovered that at my core, I needed to be needed in order to feel a sense of significance. In actuality, helping people wasn’t out of pure love or altruism, but a desire to feel better about myself. Ouch!
SOLUTION
Remember to take care of the one person you are solely responsible for… YOU. You may even find it helpful to schedule time for self-care activities and protect that time on your calendar like you would an important meeting.
The following question has changed my life. I encourage you to ask it of yourself.
“What do I need?”
Ask yourself this simple, yet powerful question again and again. It might be hard to answer at first. Keep asking yourself this and commit to prioritizing and responding to your own needs. I actually began to silently ask myself this very question every time I was faced with someone else’s need. If someone else’s need conflicted with my own need, I learned to say “no” when I needed to. Which brings me to the next sign of codependency.
Having difficulty saying no
There was a time when I didn’t know how to say no to almost anything EVER. My deep desire for people to like me, mixed with my sense of shame and guilt if I didn’t say yes, combined with an extreme sense of discomfort with other people’s pain and problems remaining unresolved, made me a “yes woman” through and through.
Being unable to say “no” left me feeling controlled by the needs of others. I often felt forced into doing what was being asked of me, even when that was not the intention of the other person, because of own inability to say “no”. This left me feeling powerless, frustrated and sometimes downright angry.
As my favorite recovery experts Dr. Cloud and Townsend point out, I needed to learn how to exercise my “no muscle”.
SOLUTION
Codependency tells us that we are obligated to say yes to meeting the needs of others. This is a lie. We get to choose. We can practice using our “no muscle”. We can consider our answer before responding and ask questions like, “Is it healthy?” “Will I regret it?” “Is it realistic?” “Will saying “yes” enable bad behavior?”
You know what, it’s okay if other people get mad at you for saying no. In fact, it is not unusual for someone who is used to you enabling their poor choices to actually throw a tantrum when you begin to set boundaries. A healthy person will respect your “no”. If someone responds poorly to your boundary, take it as a sign that you are on the right track by setting one!
Spending a lot of time talking, thinking and worrying about other people’s problems or behavior
Codependency causes us to devote a lot of our time focused on the problems and behaviors of others.
“Are they still upset with me?”
“Are they using again?”
“I can’t believe they did that!”
“What will happen to them if I don’t take care of this for them?”
“They need to read this book, go to this class, stop doing that, start doing this…”
As we focus on other people’s problems or behavior, we are faced with our own powerlessness. Our discomfort with this feeling may cause us to embark on a mission to try to fix or change them or their circumstances. This is not our job. It is helpful for me to remember that I am responsible toothers, not forthem.
In my own recovery journey, I discovered something startling about my own motivation for allowing myself to be consumed with the actions and issues of others… As long as I spent all of my time focused on them, it allowed me to notfocus on my own shortcomings and need for healing.
SOLUTION
The lie we tend to believe is that if we devote enough time, energy and effort, we can somehow control the actions or circumstances of others.
We can’t. In fact, admitting and facing our own powerlessness is a key to growth in this area.
Rather than obsessing about things that are beyond our control and not our job to take ownership of, we can shift our to focus on the only thing you can control… you. We may need to take time to consider how we will respond to people with healthy boundaries, but simply obsessing over their actions or circumstances is unproductive.
The next time you find yourself getting sucked into the whirlwind of someone else’s crisis, it might be helpful to remind yourself of this…
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HAVING ONE-SIDED RELATIONSHIP(S)
In 2009, when I found myself going through one of the most difficult seasons of my life, I noticed that there were very few people who were willing or able to arrive for me. I realized I had spent most of my energy building very one-sided relationships. When I was in a place of need and couldn’t give my time and energy the way I was able to before, many people even became upset with me.
I decided to begin intentionally investing in reciprocal relationships with a few close friends. It was scary as all get out! Because vulnerability.
As I anxiously practiced vulnerability with these women, I found myself wondering “Why do they want to hang out with me? I have nothing left to give. I can’t do anything for them.”
That is when I discovered the lie that kept me stuck in co-dependent cycles:If you don’t need me, you will leave me.
SOLUTION
For me, the solution was engaging in reciprocal relationships. In fact, for the better part of the past several years, three of my friends and I have been doing weekly calls where we share vulnerably about the things that are happening in our lives and hearts.
During these calls, we ask each other questions like,
“Do you like the person you are becoming?” “Are you allowing a person or circumstance to steal your joy?” “Are you giving your family your emotional scraps?” “Is your heart for God growing or shrinking?”
* SEE FULL LIST of Jim Burns’ accountability questions.
I encourage you to find a couple of safe people and invest time into developing reciprocal friendships with them. True intimacy is about knowing and being known. Letting our truest self be known can be scary, but it is worth the rich relationship that comes out of it!
These are just a few signs of codependency. Check out this comprehensive characteristics of codependency checklist or this problem/solution guide from Celebrate Recovery.
Love, Harmony
BOOKS THAT MIGHT HELP YOU
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BUY
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March 18, 2019
Should Prostitution Be Legal?
Alarmingly, there is a growing movement to fully decriminalize prostitution across the Nation. Even Presidential hopeful, Senator Kamala Harris, who has historically supported laws that crack down on trafficking (SESTA and FOSTA), recently stated that she is in favor of decriminalizing prostitution. She is among a growing number of people who mistakenly believe that full-decriminalization will lead to a decrease in trafficking and exploitation and that it is the solution for increasing safety for prostituted people. Even Amnesty International and The World Health Organization are getting behind decriminalization while an increasing number of states are including it in their legislative agenda.
Support for this is being fueled by “sex workers” rights groups who, although they represent the minority of people in prostitution, tend to be the most vocal. The exploited, trafficked, voiceless, marginalized and most vulnerable tend not to speak up as often or as loudly. Their voices are not being heard in this discussion and they need to be.
Sex workers rights groups in favor of full decriminalization do not represent the 89% of women who want to leave prostitution, but see no other options for survival.[1]They do not represent the majority of women who find themselves trapped in prostitution due to vulnerability and lack of viable alternatives. Those working towards legalizing prostitution also do not represent the 84% of women in prostitution who, as research shows, are under third-party control or pimped or trafficked.[2]
I recognize that some of you reading this have worked in prostitution. As a survivor of exploitation, I know what it is like to feel trapped and not see other options or a way out. I acknowledge that many of you were in positions where prostitution was the only way you could keep a roof over your head or food on the table for you and your children. My goal is not to judge that. In fact, my hope in writing this is to see systemic change where prostitution is not the only viable option for your survival. I want to see the kind of change that will enable you to pursue you dreams and passions and live a thriving life. Please hear my heart in this. If you need support, we are here for you.
For the rest of you, I want you to know that the vast majority of people working in prostitution are not consenting adults who, feeling empowered by a plethora of other employment options, decide that selling their bodies for sex is their most desirable career.
Prostitution turns people into products. Inherently, it is built on systems of gender inequality where women are dehumanized and sexually exploited for the pleasure and gratification of men. This is evident in the fact that 98% of those being bought are women[3]and 99% of those buying sex are men[4].
LEGALIZATION/DECRIMINALIZATION DOES NOT DECREASE EXPLOITATION AND TRAFFICKING
There are those who mistakenly believe that legalizing prostitution will actually reduce crime and provide women the rights, and freedom and protection they need to safely work in prostitution. The reality is, in places where prostitution is legal, there is an exponential increase in the exploitation and trafficking of women. In a study of prostitution and trafficking in 150 countries, it was concluded that on average, countries with legalized prostitution had greater inflows of human trafficking.[5]
Further proving this, legalized Prostitution in Nevada has led to an increase (not decrease) in the state’s illegal sex trade. In fact, Nevada has the highest rates of illegal sex trade in the country, adjusted for population. It is 63% higher than the next highest state of New York and double that of Florida.[6]This dismantles the myth that full decriminalization will decrease unregulated prostitution or sex trafficking. Wherever prostitution is legal, the demand for commercial sex skyrockets, which provides a great incentive to pimps and sex traffickers to push more women into the marketplace to sell.
As a survivor of sexual exploitation and the founder of Treasures, an organization that has dedicated over 15 years to serving women in the commercial sex industry and victims of exploitation and trafficking, I believe that every single woman on this planet is worth more than the objectification, sexualization and dehumanization that the industry is built upon. I want to dispel the myths surrounding decriminalization campaigns and give a voice to the women you may not see on TedTalk platforms or in news interviews—the women and girls who are being harmed by the human rights crisis that is prostitution .
So, how is this a human rights crisis? Here is what we need you to know…
THE MOST VULNERABLE ARE THE MOST SUSCEPTIBLE
Recently, attention was brought to the buyer side of prostitution when Robert Kraft, owner of the Patriots, was arrested for solicitation. He was a patron of a spa that was connected to a large human trafficking ring that victimized women and girls from China and other countries who were promised legitimate jobs, but instead were beaten, had their passports stolen and forced into the sex industry.[7]These women represent one experience of sexual exploitation, but there are many others. Contrary to a widespread misconception that trafficking primarily happens in and involves women in other countries, there are countless American women and girls that find themselves trapped in commercial sexual exploitation.
Those who find themselves susceptible to prostitution are among society’s most vulnerable. Research shows that 49% of women in prostitution have histories of childhood physical assault.[8]Up to 95% were sexually assaulted as children.[9]In one study, 70% of women interviewed noted that childhood sexual abuse had an influence on their entry into prostitution.[10]
Alarmingly, early adolescence is the most frequently reported age of entry into any type of prostitution.[11] And it is estimated that between 60[12]-86%[13] of domestic sex trafficking victims have been in foster care.
It is also well-documented that women in prostitution are disproportionately impoverished, undereducated, ethnic minorities and those with few marketable job skills.[14]
It is because of this level of vulnerability and lack of viable options for survival that some survivors of prostitution have described it as “volunteer slavery”[15]Others have called it “the choice made by those who have no choice”.[16]
Ultimately, it is not a system of empowerment, but one that exploits those with the least power.
PROSTITUTION IS NOT JUST A JOB
Some argue that prostitution is just a job and that it is the stigma and criminalization that make it harmful, not the “work” itself.
Mortality rates alone dispel this myth. Research indicates that the death rate of prostituted women is 240 times higher than any other profession.[17]During their time in prostitution, violence is the norm. 82% of women report being physically assaulted (types of assault include being punched, strangled, slashed with razor blades and burned with cigarettes), while 83% have been threatened with a weapon.[18]
Women in prostitution are “the most raped class of women in the history of our planet”, with 80% having been raped at least once[19]and 73% have been raped more than five times.[20]
In any other workplace, the sexual harassment alone would be subject to legal action. For women in prostitution, sexual harassment is a job requirement. Legalization/Decriminalization does not prevent sexual assault from happening, nor does it bring justice to perpetrators. While working in strip clubs, a legal area of the commercial sex industry, I was sexually assaulted on multiple occasions. In two instances, law enforcement was called. Each time they looked at me like I was crazy for complaining about the assault I experienced. The message I received was, “This is part of your job. Why are you wasting our time with this?”
I have met many other women who have had the same kinds of experience in legal areas of the commercial sex industry. The fact that what they are doing is legal and regulated does not protect them from rape and assault or bring them any justice when it happens. In addition, research on legal brothels shows that “legalization does not protect prostituted women from the violence, abuse and psychological and physical injury that occur in illegal prostitution”.[21]
Furthermore, illustrating its inherent harm is the fact that women in prostitution deal with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder at rates equivalent to veterans of combat war.[22] One study revealed that 71% of prostituted women showed “clinically significant symptoms of dissociation”, a psychological defense against trauma in which a person splits or detaches from the rest of their self in order to deal with overwhelming fear and pain.[23]
Here is what one survivor explained:
There are thousands of books and classes that provide women with information on self-defense and rape “avoidance” strategies. Some of the basic lessons they teach us are not to walk alone at night on dark deserted streets, not to get into cars with strange men, not to pick up guys in a bar, not to even let a delivery man into your home when you’re by yourself. Yet this is what the “job” of prostitution requires; that women put themselves in jeopardy every time they turn a trick.
And then we ask, “How do you prevent it from leading to danger?” The answer is, you can’t. Count the bodies.[24]
Prostitution is not “just a job” like any other. It is an unfathomably profitable system that promotes gender-based sexual violence against women.
PROSTITUTION AND TRAFFICKING ARE INEXTRICABLY CONNECTED
There are more women in the sex industry than any other time in history[25], a reality that is fueled by demand.
The demand does what it promises. It demands supply. And when there are not enough women willing to become the supply, to sell their bodies for sex, supply will be created by any means necessary. Those means include everything from forcing women and girls into prostitution through kidnapping, torture, beating and drugging to coercing them through manipulation and trickery.
Prostitution and sex trafficking are inextricably connected.[26]The commercial sex industry, including prostitution, fuels the multi-billion-dollar criminal enterprise of human trafficking. In fact, 70% of female victims who are trafficked are trafficked into the commercial sex industry, including the legal forms of it, such as porn, stripping and legal brothels.[27]
Prostitution often meets the legal definitions of trafficking. In fact, as previously mentioned, according to estimates from eighteen sources including research studies, government reports, and nongovernmental agencies, on average 84% of women in prostitution are under third-party control or pimped or trafficked.[28]
THERE IS A WAY TO PROTECT WOMEN
There are essentially four legal approaches to prostitution.
Criminalization
All parties (buyer/john, pimp/trafficker, person being sold) are subject to arrest. In this system, prostituted women are disproportionately arrested. For example, one study showed that about 92% of prostitution-related arrests in Boston were women and only about 8% of arrests were men. Similarly, 89% of arrests in Chicago were women, 9.6% were men, and 0.6% were pimps.[29]
The other issue with criminalization is that prostituted people are less likely to seek help for fear of legal repercussion.
Legalization
Prostitution is permitted and regulated such as in some counties in Nevada and red-light districts in the Netherlands. As previously noted, this leads to an increase in sexual exploitation and trafficking.
Decriminalization
Also known as the “Pro-Pimping Law” or “Pimp Protection Act”. This removes all laws against pimping, pandering, and buying and selling sex. Exploitation and trafficking are free to run rampant. Shockingly, this is the model that is being proposed in several states in the U.S.
As an example of this model, we can look to New Zealand where prostitution was fully decriminalized. Sabrinna Valisce was one of the people who campaigned for decriminalization in her homeland, but when it actually happened she saw the devastating effects and changed her mind. She has since left prostitution and today, she advocates for prosecution for pimps and johns (buyers).[30]
Abolition
There is a way to protect prostituted women. Sometimes referred to as the Nordic Model, the Abolition Model recognizes that a woman should not be punished for her own exploitation.
In this model, exploitation and trafficking as well as the purchasing of people for sex remains illegal. And this is good because we know that when traffickers and johns are actually brought to justice, demand is effectively reduced.[31]
Furthermore, this model decriminalizes the sellingof sex, meaning that those who are being sold would not be criminalized for their exploitation. But it doesn’t end there. It is not enough to simply remove the criminal penalties for prostituted women. If buyers and exploiters are brought to justice and demand is effectively reduced, women who depend on prostitution for survival are then faced with the economic consequences of reduced demand. In other words, prostitution becomes less lucrative and may jeopardize their ability to produce income. As a part of the Abolition model, programs that provide opportunities for women to build a life and career outside of prostitution are established and supported.
As one person put it:
“…the legalized buying and selling of women is in effect the promotion of and profiting from women’s poverty, childhood sexual abuse, sexual harassment and sexual exploitation.” -Awaken Reno
If we want to support women and elevate their rights, then we need to support legislation that provides better access to education, equal pay and health care. We need to provide programs and services for more women to work in government, science, technology, engineering, and mathematics. We need to support women-owned businesses and find ways to lower costs for living. We have to tear down the systemic vulnerabilities that push women and girls into the sex industry and support NGOs who are on the front lines helping victims.
Let’s stop calling it the oldest profession in the book, and call it for what it is… the oldest “oppression” in the book. If you want to see women empowered, demand reduced, victims supported and ultimately, exploitation eradicated, the Abolition model is our best chance at that.
This is not about legislating morality, but protecting the vulnerable. Martin Luther King Jr. said it best…
“Morality cannot be legislated, but behavior can be regulated. Judicial decrees may not change the heart, but they can restrain the heartless.”
Sincerely, Harmony Grillo, MSW
TAKE ACTION
Share this blog ContactSen. Kamala Harris and/orContactyour local representative. Our voices need to be heard. If their inbox is flooded with messages, they will have to respond. Feel free to use the text below as a guide.
Hello , my name is ________ and I live in City/State and I am calling/emailing to urge you to thoughtfully consider your position on the legalization of prostitution. The reality is, in places where prostitution is legal, there is an exponential increase in the exploitation and trafficking of women. In fact, Nevada has the highest rates of illegal sex trade in the country. Dear Senator/Representative Name, please do not support legalization, which will lead to more exploitation, trafficking and violence against women. Thank you.
https://www.harris.senate.gov/contact/email
https://www.feinstein.senate.gov/public/index.cfm/e-mail-me
CALL
FEINSTEIN: (415) 393-0707 • DC: (202) 224-3841
HARRIS: (415) 981-9369 • DC: (202) 224-3553
MORE RESOURCES I
ARTICLE
NY Post: Don’t Pass the Pimp Protection Act
DOCUMENTARY
Red Light, Green Light: https://redlightgreenlightfilm.com/
VIDEOS
[1]Melissa Farley, from “Prostitution and Trafficking in Nine Countries: An Update on Violence and Posttraumatic Stress Disorder” www.prostitutionresearch.com
[2]FromDr. Melissa Farley, “Online Prostitution and Trafficking” in Albany law review 77(3):1039-1094 · January 2014: To calculate the number 84% as an estimate of those who were under third-party control, pimped, or trafficked we used either whole number estimates or whole numbers based on the midpoint of a given estimated range. In the United States, 80–90%of those in prostitution had pimps. See JACQUELINE B.HELFGOTT,CRIMINALBEHAVIOR:THEORIES,TYPOLOGIES,ANDCRIMINAL JUSTICE301 (2008); Jean Faugier and Mary Sargeant, Boyfriends, ‘Pimps’ and Clients, inRETHINKING PROSTITUTION:PURCHASING SEX IN THE 1990S 119–34 (Graham Scambler & Annette Scambler eds., 1997). In New York City, a pimp estimated that “70% of women working in New York City as prostitutes are being compelled to do so by pimps who use beatings and drugs, and most importantly the threat of jail, to keep their girls in line.” Prostitution—Legalize or Decriminalize?, DAVIS2013.COM(July 30, 2012), http://davis2013.com/prostitution-legalize-or-decriminalize/. In Italy, the European Union estimated that 80 % of those in prostitution were trafficked. SCELLES FOUNDATION,SEXUAL EXPLOITATION:PROSTITUTION AND ORGANIZED CRIME 173(2012),http://www.fondationscelles.org/pdf/rapport_mondial/sexual_exploitation_prostitution_Fondation_Scelles.pdf. In Poland, 90% of prostitution along the roads was assumed to be controlled by organized criminal groups. Id.at 233. In Amsterdam 50to 90% of women in prostitution in the red-light district were considered likely victims of Turkish, Hungarian, Romanian, and Bulgarian human trafficking networks, including those working in legal clubs and brothels, according to the Dutch national police Korps Landelijke Politiediensten (KLPD). Id.at 211. In Spain, more than 90% of women in prostitution were victims of human trafficking. Id.at 268. In Bulgaria, RiskMonitor Foundation estimated that more than 95% of those in prostitution have pimps linked to organized crime. Id.at 64. In Germany SOLWODI estimated that 80% of women in prostitution are placed “under strong pressure and have no alternatives. This pressure may come from a partner or even their family, who send them abroad to work and send money 13446, at 12 (2014). In Germany, policy analyst Barbara Yondorf estimated that 80–95% of women in prostitution have pimps. KATHLEEN BARRY,FEMALE SEXUAL SLAVERY130 (1979). In San Francisco, 80% of women in prostitution interviewed by Marilyn Neckes and Theresa Lynchhad pimps. Id.at 119. In Oregon, 84% of women who had escaped prostitution had previously been controlled by pimps. Susan Kay Hunter, Prostitution is Cruelty and Abuse to Women and Children, 1 MICH.J.GENDER&L. 91, 101 (1993). In Ireland, Ruhama estimated that 80% of women in prostitution were under third-party control. E-mail from Sarah Benson, CEO of Ruhama, to Melissa Farley (April 10, 2014) (on file with the Albany Law Review). In the United States, a study of women prostituted in hotels estimated that more than 80% were controlled by pimps. ROBERT PRUS & STYLLIANOSS IRINI,HOOKERS, ROUNDERS, AND DESK CLERKS11 (1980). Kathleen Barry noted that 80 to 95% of all prostitution is pimp-controlled. KATHLEENBARRY,THE PROSTITUTION OF SEXUALITY198 (1995). Ninety-five to 99% of women in German prostitution were under the control of others. Manfred Paulus, Out of Control: On Liberties and Criminal Developments in the Redlight Districts of the Federal Republic of Germany, PROSTITUTION RESOURCES(May 6, 2014),
http://ressourcesprostitution.wordpress.com/2014/05/06/m-paulus-out-of-control-on-liberties-
and-criminal-developments-in-the-redlight-districts-of-the-federal-republic-of-germany/. Eighty-six percent of Nepali women delivered to brothels in India did not know they were going to be prostituted when they left home. LOUISE BROWN,SEX SLAVES:THE TRAFFICKING OF WOMEN IN ASIA 66 (2000). Cambodian Women’s Crisis Center found that 86% of women rescued from Phnom Penh brothels by police had been tricked or sold into prostitution. Id. At 89
[3]ILO Global Estimate of Forced Labour. Page 14.
http://www.ilo.org/wcmsp5/groups/public/—ed_norm/—declaration/documents/publication/wcms_182004.pdf
[4]Dr. Melissa Farley http://prostitutionresearch.com and CATW http://www.catwinternational.org
[5]Seo-Young Cho, Axel Dreher, and Eric Neumayer, 2013, Does Legalized Prostitution Increase Human Trafficking? World Development
[6] https://endsexualexploitation.org/nevada/
[7]
https://www.businessinsider.com/robert-kraft-arrest-sex-trafficking-ring-bust-women-sex-against-will-2019-2
[8]Prostitution, Violence, and Posttraumatic Stress Disorder. Melissa Fareley, PhD, Howard Barkan, DrPH. http://www.prostitutionresearch.com/Farley&Barkan 1998.pdf
[9]Melissa Farley, 2004, Prostitution is sexual violence. Psychiatric Times. http://www.psychiatrictimes.com/sexual- offenses/content/article/10168/48311
[10]Silbert, M.H., & Pines, A.M. (1981). Sexual child abuse as an antecedent to prostitution. Child Abuse and Neglect5:407-411.
[11]Prostitution and Trafficking – Quick Facts. Melissa Farley, PhD and Emily Butler, JD Prostitution Research & Education 2012
[12] https://www.nfyi.org/issues/sex-trafficking/
[13]2011 report by the state government of Connecticut: https://portal.ct.gov/dcf
[14]Jacquelyn Monroe PhD,Women in Street Prostitution: The Result of Poverty and the Brunt of InequityArticle in Journal of Poverty 9(3):69-88 · September 2005.
[15]INE VANWESENBEECK, PROSTITUTES’ WELL-BEING AND RISK149 (1994).
[16]CHRISTA WISTERICH, THE GLOBALIZED WOMAN: REPORTS FROM A FUTURE OF INEQUALITY 63 (2000).
[17]American Journal of Epidemiology. https://academic.oup.com/aje/article/159/8/778/91471
[18]Prostitution, Violence, and Posttraumatic Stress Disorder. Melissa Fareley, PhD, Howard Barkan, DrPH. http://www.prostitutionresearch.com/Farley&Barkan 1998.pdf
[19]Susan Kay Hunter and K.C. Reed, 1990, “Taking the side of bought and sold rape,” Speech at National Coalition against Sexual Assault, Washington, D.C.
[20]United Nations Office on Drugs and Crime, 2009, Trafficking in Persons: Global Patterns, Available: http://www.unodc.org/documents/human-trafficking/Global_Report_on_TIP.pdf
[21] http://www.prostitutionresearch.com/pdfs/Myths & Facts Legal & Illegal Prostitution 3-09.pdf
[22]Melissa Farley, from “Prostitution and Trafficking in Nine Countries: An Update on Violence and Posttraumatic Stress Disorder” www.prostitutionresearch.com
[23]Melissa Farley, Nicole Matthews, Sarah Deer, Guadalupe Lopez, Christine Stark & Eileen Hudon, 2011, Garden of Truth: The Prostitution and Trafficking of Native Women, Minnesota: Prostitution Research & Education and Minnesota Indian Women’s Sexual Assault Coalition.
http://www.prostitutionresearch.com/pdfs/Garden_of_Truth_Final_Project_WEB.pdf
[24]Evelina Giobbe, The Vox Fights, Vox, Winter 1991, at 34 [hereinafter Giobbe, TheVax Fights]. See also Evelina Giobbe, Confronting the Liberal Lies about Prostitution, in THE SEXUALLIBERALS AND THE ATTIACK ON FEMINISM 67, 76 (Dorchen Leidholdt & Janice Raymond eds., 1990
[25]Stripped: Inside the Lives of Exotic Dancers, Bernadette Barton, page 8.
[26]A National Overview of Prostitution and Sex Trafficking Demand Reduction Efforts, Final Report. Michael Shively, Ph.D., Kristina Kliorys, Kristin Wheeler, Dana Hunt, Ph.D. https://www.ncjrs.gov/pdffiles1/nij/grants/238796.pdf
[27]U.S. Department of Justice, Assessment of U.S. Government Activities to Combat Trafficking in Persons: 2004
[28]Dr. Melissa Farley, “Online Prostitution and Trafficking” in Albany law review 77(3):1039-1094 · January 2014 (see earlier citation)
[29]Donna M. Hughes, 2005, Combating Sex Trafficking: Advancing Freedom for Women and Girls, Speech at Northeast Women’s Studies Association Annual Conference, University of Massachusetts. http://www.prostitutionresearch.com/Hughes combating_sex_trafficking.pdf
[30] https://www.truthdig.com/articles/the-evidence-about-prostitution-that-the-new-york-times-ignored/
https://www.bbc.com/news/magazine-41349301
[31]Gunilla Ekberg, 2004, The Swedish Law That Prohibits the Purchase of Sexual Services, Violence Against Women. http://www.prostitutionresearch.com/p...
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Should Prostitution Be Legal?
March 4, 2019
4 Things I Wish I Knew When I Was Twenty
Friends, when I was twenty, I was the hottest of messes! My life was like an episode of The Jerry Springer Show. Legit.
These are a few of the things I wish I had known back then…
1. When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.
Thank you, Dr. Maya Angelou, for this nugget of wisdom. Oh, how much pain I could have saved myself if I had this insight and the courage to walk away from certain people the first time they revealed their true character. Instead, I kept going back, dreaming of their potential and wishing, against all evidence to the contrary, that they would do better next time. I have heard it said, the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.
Once a person demonstrates that they have poor character or are untrustworthy, take it as your cue to either move on or set boundaries. If the person is someone you are dating, do yourself a favor and cut things off before you invest any more time or allow more access to your heart. If the person is a family member, co-worker, or someone you will continue to see, you can protect your heart with new boundaries and expectations. For example, adjusting the amount of time you spend with them, personal information you share, or walking away or ending a phone call when a conversation feels toxic or emotionally unsafe.
2. Forgiveness is given, trust is earned
This idea is deeply connected to the previous thing I wish I knew. I believed that forgiveness was a good and noble thing and did my best to be a generally forgiving person. However, I did not understand that because I forgave someone did not mean that I had to continue to be in relationship with them. Looking back on the way I dealt with hurt in relationships, forgiveness translated to: “I will stuff the pain I feel about what you did so we can resume our relationship. I am afraid of losing you, so I will rush to ‘put the past behind us’ and hope for the best, meanwhile, putting my heart at risk again.”
In reality, many of the people that I was dealing with were not safe people. They had not earned my trust, in fact, they had broken it. Now, I understand that forgiveness does not equal reconciliation. And reconciliation without recovery or genuine efforts to change can be dangerous.
3. No is a complete sentence
I was a people pleaser to the max. One of my best survival strategies growing up in a chaotic household was keeping the people around me happy by being cheerful and agreeable. I tried to control the emotional tone of my home with an upbeat attitude. Abusive boyfriend, same strategy. In the strip clubs, people-pleasing was in the job description and “no” wasn’t really a word we got to say very often.
These experiences might land me on the extreme end of the spectrum, but I would venture to say that women of all backgrounds can relate to being pushed into people-pleasing. We are taught that nice girls don’t cause too much ruckus. They aren’t too demanding. They are nurturers and caretakers who put the needs of others first.
Saying “yes” to one thing, means we are saying “no” to something else. My incessant need to people-please and my fear of telling people “no” meant that I allowed my life to revolve completely around the wants, needs and feelings of others. There was no room for “me” in my own life. I said yes to allowing myself to get sucked into drama, chaos and even abuse. This meant I was essentially saying “no” to things like self-care, paying attention to my feelings, and setting healthy boundaries with the people around me.
Including “no” in my vocabulary was an incredibly empowering and life-changing thing. “No, I will not drop everything to “rescue” you every time your life spins out of control”. “No, I won’t be able to work your shift again and forgo my one day off”. “No, I will not continue to engage in a conversation with you when you talk to me that way”. “No, as much as I would like to accept your invitation, I will not be able to make it this time”.
No is a complete sentence. In many cases, we don’t even need to back up our “no” with a reason. Often, we try to help people accept our “no” with lengthy explanations that are designed to make them more accepting of our answer. Healthy people who care about you are going to accept your “no” without all of the added excuses.
Nobody died because I said “no”. In fact, I have discovered a whole new life on the other end of “no”! I am better rested, have healthier relationships and I am able to respond to the needs of people around me out of a place of overflow rather than obligation.
4. Start saving for retirement…TODAY
Seriously! When it comes to retirement, it is never too soon to start (Or too late). Broke as a joke? Start small! Every bit counts! Getting up there in age? It’s never too late to start.
Financial advisor, Dave Ramsey, explains how a person who invests $2,000 a year starting at 19-years-old and STOPS investing at 26-years old, will have $700,000 MORE when they retire than someone who starts investing $2,000 a year at 27-years-old and keeps that up until they are sixty-five!
The person in the first scenario will have invested $16,000 out of pocket and wind up with almost $2.3 MILLION at sixty-five. The person in the second scenario will have invested $78,000 and will end up with $1.5 million at sixty-five.
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If you are like me, the idea of saving for retirement might feel intimidating. In my early twenties, I was in a boat load of debt and didn’t know a thing about Roth IRAs or mutual funds. Once I learned, it was all much less daunting. The books below are great starting points if you want to learn to start upping your financial game.
These are just a few of the things I wish I knew. What would you say to your younger self?
Love, Harmony
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February 25, 2019
Heavy-hearted over the death of another survivor leader
February 18, 2019
More Than a Survivor
“Oh! I know who you are!” the pastor of a local church snapped his fingers as he placed me. “You’re that stripper!”
I cocked my head in bewilderment at the absurdity of this statement. I’m that stripper?
“Ummm no” my friend Cody piped in firmly. Then he graciously stepped in and took command of the conversation, relieving me of having to continue to engage with him.
His wife, Ashley, one of my best friends, had set up this roundtable meeting so that local leaders, pastors, educators and law enforcement could discuss how to best address the felt needs of the people in the Mid-Wilshire area of Los Angeles. I walked into that room as a community leader with over a decade of experience in leading a non-profit. The holder of a master’s degree in Social Welfare, a wife, a mother, a writer, a public speaker… and the beloved daughter of an extraordinarily loving Father.
In one sentence, the pastor managed to reduce my identity to a snapshot of a time from my past. Had I been a stripper? Yes. More specifically, a survivor of sexual exploitation. But that was not my true identity then, and it certainly isn’t my identity now. I have lived a lot of life since leaving that life. I spend a lot of time sharing my story in hopes that it will encourage and inspire others. I am not ashamed of my past. Nor am I defined by it.
I am more than a survivor. And so are you.
Most of us have had to survive something in our lives. Whether it’s a history of abuse and exploitation, grief and loss, or even just the awkward and hormonally charged atrocities of middle school, we are all survivors of something. I am assuming that most of us have managed to separate ourselves from our past as awkward, hormonal teenagers. But there are other histories that are a little harder to shake.
We are more than the trauma we have had to overcome. We are more than the work we do or the roles we play in the lives of the people we love. We are multi-faceted, wondrously complex humans with hopes and dreams, desires and longings. We are hand-crafted masterpieces; living, breathing works of art! May we learn to love, embrace and know ourselves, wholly and fully.
IDEAS FOR GETTING TO KNOW YOURSELF
ASK YOURSELF SOME QUESTIONS
What activities bring you the most joy? How can you make more time in your schedule for them?
If a relationship or circumstance makes you unhappy, do you choose to stay or leave? What do you think might be motivating your choice?
What is your biggest self-limiting belief?
What is your proudest accomplishment?
Is your heart for God growing or shrinking?
If you woke up tomorrow and had the life you have always dreamed of, what would be different? Are there any steps you can take to move towards the life you dream of?
Which people/relationships are the most life-giving to you? How can you make more of an effort to invest in these?
TAKE YOURSELF ON A DATE
Who are you outside of your past, work, marriage or whatever you might find yourself tempted to place your significance in? Why not take yourself out on a date and begin to find out? Pick something you love to do… hike, go to the beach, watch a movie, drink a fancy latte… The world is your oyster! You can even bring a journal and write down the answers to some of the questions above.
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BUY
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