Harmony Dust's Blog, page 2
June 4, 2020
ALL THE WHITE FEELINGS
Dear White Friends,
Many of us are rapid cycling through the entire gamut of (mostly negative) human emotions right now.
This is a painful time and we are all having all the feelings. Anger. Sadness. Outrage. Grief. Confusion. Frustration. Guilt. Fear. Anxiety. I have felt all of these in a 10-minute period. Welcome to being a human being in the middle of a global pandemic, when unemployment rates have skyrocketed, racial injustice has reached a boiling (and hopefully tipping) point and there are protests and riots across the nation.
I don’t know about you, but I am feeling very white right now. The truth is, normally, our whiteness is not a “thing.” Typically, our whiteness is essentially invisible because we live in a society where our being white is normalized. Now, many of us are being confronted with our whiteness in a new way and it is uncomfortable. I suggest we lean into this discomfort and explore some of what is coming up for us.
If you decide to keep reading, it is likely you will have feelings about what I am about to say. I ask you to consider sitting with any feelings of discomfort, frustration or anger that come up for you… just for a moment. Just long enough to examine and reflect on those feelings.
We are having all the feelings. But there a few feelings that we, as white people, might be having that I want to speak to…
I FEEL MISUNDERSTOOD
Yep. Welcome to the club. As we are trying to find our voice and our place in all that is happening, this is bound to happen. We are not perfect. We are going to get it wrong. There is no way for those of us who are Caucasian to ever fully realize, or internalize, the pain our non-white brothers and sisters are facing right now.
Last week I posted something that was deeply offensive to a few of my black friends. I was gutted to think that I could unintentionally share something that contributed to their pain. I felt very, very misunderstood. But, this is not about me.
As much as I wanted to explain myself and help them see my true intentions as an ally, I know the most important thing I can do right now is listen.
This is not our time to defend, explain or excuse. This is our time to ask questions, be curious and listen. It is our time to examine our blind spots. Because there are experiences, pain, grief and perspectives that we will never be able to fully understand as people with white skin in this country.
In the justice space, there is a lot of talk about being a “voice for the voiceless.” But the truth is, people of color are speaking and it is our time to listen. Sometimes, in our efforts to be a voice to the “voiceless”, we have eliminated other’s voices, rather than amplifying them.
It sucks to feel misunderstood, but it’s okay to feel uncomfortable right now if it means we are creating space for others to be heard. Maybe we just need to get comfortable with being uncomfortable. I am challenging myself in this daily.
I FEEL HELPLESS
Feelings of helplessness are running rampant right now. As someone who has been in the anti-trafficking field for nearly two decades , I get it.
When people are first faced with the true atrocity and enormity of issues of injustice, it is normal to feel overwhelmed to the point of inaction. But we are not powerless. We can do something about it.
Inaction is not an option.
Here are some actions we can take…
LISTEN AND LEARN
Part of the way we are going to begin to dismantle systems is to change and expand our hearts and perspectives.
I have said it more times than I can count… We cannot fix what we do not face. And we cannot face what we do not see. We need to commit ourselves to learning about the history of race relations and the political, social and economic oppression of Black Americans. We need to commit ourselves to uncovering our own biases and the ways in which we have perpetuated and even been complicit with systems of injustice and oppression. We can start by examining our own lives, places of employment, community leadership, and the groups we belong to.
I have added some educational resources to the end of this post.
SUPPORT
Identify ways to support your community and justice efforts. Sign petitions. Participate in peaceful protests organized by reputable organizations. Consider giving to nonprofits that elevate the rights of people of color such as the Equal Justice Initiative and Bail Project
VOTE
Use your voting power to bring change. Register to vote at www.vote.org
I FEEL SAD…AND GUILTY
When we start to truly face the horrific reality of systemic racism and the ways in which we have been complicit in it, feeling sad, and even guilty, is normal. What our black brothers and sisters have experienced and are experiencing in this nation is truly horrific.
We are all having lots of feelings. Notice them. Feel them. I think it is important to be cautious and thoughtful about how and where we share our feelings of sadness. We have to be careful that our feelings about injustice do not take the focus off of the injustice itself.
Am I sad? Yes! Am I grieving with and for my brothers and sisters? Yes! Lament is an important part of the process of racial healing. But we have to be very careful that our feelings don’t take center stage. We have to be careful not to display our feelings as a shadow mission to make us look good and prove how not racist we are. Instead, we need to let our feelings move us to action.
A conservative American political columnist, George F. Will, wrote: “[White guilt is] a form of self-congratulation, where whites initiate ‘compassionate policies’ toward people of color, to showcase their innocence to racism.”
Simply feeling sad and guilty about racism will not bring change. We need to allow our feelings to invoke a sense of responsibility. We need them to serve as a catalyst for us to participate in tearing down the systems of injustice that enable and perpetuate racism.
I AM UPSET ABOUT THE RIOTING
The idea of business owners losing business and buildings going up in flames is unsettling.
Yet when we express more outrage about that than we do the fact that 941 people were killed by police since 2000 in Los Angeles alone, it is hurtful to a community of people who are literally fighting for their lives right now. Do we like riots? No. But it is important to understand that they are a symptom of something larger. Dr. King said, “Riots are the language of the unheard.”
People are angry. People feel unheard. Rather than saying, “I don’t like the way people are expressing their anger” or “I don’t like the way they are protesting,” we need to focus on the injustice that is causing the anger.
If we are more concerned with the destruction of property than the devastation and destruction of human lives as a result of racial injustice, I think we need to reconsider our values and priorities.
I AM WHITE, BUT I DON’T FEEL PRIVLEGED
Twenty years ago, when someone first told me I had white privilege, it was a tough pill to swallow. There wasn’t much about my history that felt privileged. From my perspective, my whiteness didn’t seem to do much to protect me from poverty, sexual exploitation, abuse, rape, and domestic violence to name a few injustices.
The truth is, despite all of this, I had to come to terms with the fact that the whiteness of my skin carries with it, privilege. It is important to note that white privilege is just one type of privilege. Just because I am white does not mean I have some of the other forms of privilege including class privilege, citizenship privilege, gender privilege or the privilege of being able bodied.
And when I look back on my life, I can see white privilege more clearly now.
For example…
Growing up, when my friends and I went to the store, I would watch the shopkeepers’ eye them carefully while they paid little attention to me.
When my mother left my brother and I one summer with $20 and a book of food stamps, I began stealing from the liquor store to feed us. I NEVER got caught. In fact, one time I was shoplifting with an African American friend and she got caught and I didn’t. While my friends were being toted off to juvenile hall, I attributed the fact that I never got caught stealing to how slick I was. I was wrong. The truth is, thanks to white privilege, they were never even paying attention to me.
On our very first date, my ex-husband and I were pulled over without cause. As he was handcuffed on the side of the road, the officer told me that he would normally arrest him for his unpaid parking tickets, BUT “because he was with me”, they let him go. After that, we were pulled over more times than I can count. Today, I am married to a white man and we have NEVER ONCE in 6 years been pulled over for no reason.
As white people, it is important for us to explore and recognize the way in which our whiteness has benefited us. This can be especially hard for those of us who have worked hard to overcome our own obstacles to get where we are. But it is important to acknowledge that the color of our skin has afforded us certain opportunities and privileges that people of color do not have the same access to. We cannot dismiss the fact that a person of color can work extraordinarily hard and this will not erase the barriers they face. Coming to terms with this can be uncomfortable, but it is necessary. We need to take an honest look at the inequitable systems that are in place, how they have benefited us, and how they have oppressed people of color.
WE HAVE TO DO OUR OWN WORK
We have to do our own work. We cannot expect people of color to explain things like racism, systemic injustice, and privilege to us… or worse, prove that it exists. Our friends are fighting for their lives and they cannot afford to spend their emotional and spiritual resources on conversations where they are being asked to explain and justify their perspectives and experiences. There is a bigger picture and a bigger fight going on right now. If we want to become allies and align ourselves with the fight against racial injustice, then we must do our own reflection and research.
Here are some resources that will help us expand our hearts and understanding and do our work.
Do the best you can until you know better.
Then, when you know better, do better. ~Maya Angelou
Love, Harmony
EDUCATIONAL RESOURCES
CHALLENGE
21 Day Racial Habit Building Equity Challenge
ARTICLES
Explaining White Privilege to a Broke White Person
White Privilege: Unpacking the Invisible Knapsack
White Fragility (The article that turned into the book)
Your Kids Aren’t Too Young to Talk About Race: Resource Roundup
PODCAST
Codeswitch
FILMS
13th
Just Mercy
The Great American Divide on PBS
CONVERSATION
Body Language: A conversation on race and restoration in the body of Christ with Dr. Anita Phillips (trauma therapist) and Christine Caine on YouTube
BOOKS
White Fragility by Dr. Robin DiAngelo
The Very Good Gospel by Lisa Sharon Harper
Prophetic Imagination by Walter Brueggemann
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May 25, 2020
Aren’t You Tired of Being Brainwashed???
In elementary school, my childhood best friend and I would flip through the pages of magazines and call “dibs” on the body parts we wanted.
“I want her legs” I would exclaim.
“Fine then, I will take her hair,” my friend would counter.
In this way, we would deconstruct the image of each woman and turn her into parts. Decades before I understood the concept of “objectifying women”, I learned the process.
As we compared ourselves to the women on the pages of the magazines, we were confronted by the devastating realization that we didn’t measure up. Flipping through magazines turned into sessions of self-loathing. My friend, being African American had another layer to deal with. According to mainstream fashion magazines in the 80s, she did not have the “right” skin color for beauty.
A MASSIVE BRAINWASHING CAMPAIGN
I believe we are subjects of a massive brainwashing campaign that is assaulting our lives and wreaking havoc on our self-image.
Every day, we are bombarded by images and products that are designed to first set a standard of beauty and then to capitalize off of that standard by selling products that are created to “help” us achieve that standard.
If the standard was more realistic and attainable, the beauty and fashion industry, and advertising industry as whole, would go bankrupt because we would all be happy with ourselves and we wouldn’t need their products.
For me, it didn’t start with magazines. My ideas of beauty were being shaped from the moment I was handed my first baby doll, which I am confident was white with blonde hair and blue eyes. And don’t get me started on Barbie!
According to an article in the Huffington Post, if Barbie were a real woman, she would be 5’9″ with a 16″ waist (only room for half a liver and a few inches of intestines), and have a neck twice as long and 6 inches thinner than the average woman, which would render her incapable of lifting her head. With those proportions and a size 3 children’s shoe, she’d have to walk on all fours!
Nobody told me that the Barbie standard was an impossible one. I wanted to be her.
ORIGINS OF AN EATING DISORDER
Thanks to these magazines, dolls and supporting commentary on the standard of beauty I received from family members, I discovered the power of a calorie and began dieting at the age of eight. I was 10 years old the first time I stuck my head into a toilet bowl. I hoped that I could purge myself of all of the dangerous and beauty-destroying calories I had just consumed. The failed attempt was a reminder that food restriction was the way to go.
I hid food in my napkins, spit it into my juice glass, or tucked it into my cheeks for later disposal to try to achieve the “clean plate” my family valued while avoiding the calories.
To make matters worse, demands that I “finish my food because there are starving children in Africa” were counterbalanced with comments about my pudgy tummy or thickening physique. I am embarrassed and deeply grieved to admit that as a young girl, I found myself jealous of the children in Africa I heard about. How much easier it would be to stay skinny if I weren’t surrounded by food?
WHEN YOUR BODY BECOMES AN OBJECT
When I began dating, I entered relationships with males who subscribed to and reinforced these same unattainable standards of beauty. Even if I were to lose enough weight to achieve a completely flat stomach, I would still fall short because this or that body part was the “wrong” shape, size or proportion. They agreed.
Getting into the sex industry only exacerbated the problem. In the ultimate form of objectification, my body became a product. Each night, my body was evaluated, bought and sold. At one point, I lived on a pack of gummy bears OR a small portion of frozen yogurt a day to stay thin. IF, I made enough money on a shift at the strip club, I rewarded myself with a small bag of pretzels from the vending machine.
BEAUTY IS A MOVING TARGET
To further complicate the issue, “beauty” is a moving target.
During the Italian Renaissance, full-figured women with large bosoms and hips and rounded tummies were the ideal. Reflecting this, Peter Paul Rubens painted portraits of full-figured women in the early 1600s. Today, “Rubenesque” is a polite way to say “big” or “plus-sized.”
In the Roaring 20s, in the dawn of the movie industry, a slim, boyish silhouette was the figure to have.
In the 1950s, rounded, hourglass curves were “in”, and icons like Marilyn Monroe and Betty Page were idealized.
This was followed by the Twiggy era in the 1960s where slim, androgynous figures were once again “the thing”. This period also marked a shift in the way we were taught to “control” the shape of our bodies. Historian Joan Jacobs Brumberg, notes the following:
“It wasn’t just feminists who burned bras… Bras and underwear changed. The body becomes something for you to control from the inside, through diet and exercise, instead of exterior control through the corset.”
Next was the super model era of the 80s when slim and athletic was considered beautiful. Then it was the waif period in the 90s when the “I haven’t quite kicked my heroin addiction and I definitely don’t eat” look was in.
Today, we are being told we need a flat tummy with large breasts and a plump behind, and a thigh gap- a look that many are turning to plastic surgery to achieve. Is this even possible without surgery?!
TELLING ME I’M PRETTY WON’T FIX IT
This beauty paradigm I have subscribed to, the one I have been brainwashed to accept has brought deep pain and great angst to my life. It has caused me to starve and purge, to judge and disqualify. I have wasted countless hours comparing, contemplating and obsessing over beauty.
Even if someone were to tell me that I am “pretty or beautiful”, it doesn’t do anything to diminish the struggle… if anything, it enhances it. These statements only reinforce the paradigm. It’s like saying, “Don’t worry, you do measure up”, in which case, aren’t we still using the same yardstick?
WE NEED A NEW PARADIGM
I have learned that the solution to this angst isn’t reaching the target. The solution isn’t losing weight or finding the right under eye cream or getting a tummy tuck.
The solution is changing the paradigm. Changing our entire belief system about what beauty actually is.
About a year ago, I posted this before and after pic.
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Before and after: Five miscarriages, one full-term pregnancy, complicated c-section recovery, lots of grief, torn ACL, all while doing my best to be a wife, mom, and leader. I am thankful for two beautiful children and a husband who loves me at every size. I would be lying if I told you I am perfectly comfortable in my skin. I look forward to a day when I feel stronger and healthier.
In the meantime, I am learning to have grace for myself and love myself in the process and I am praying for God to give me new eyes… eyes to see the true beauty in me and all around me. The beauty of kindness and generosity. The beauty of actions that lead to justice and freedom. The beauty of love and compassion. The beauty of hope in the face of impossibility. The beauty of a heart that dreams and a life that pursues a dream. The beauty of selflessness and sacrifice, of gentleness and integrity.
God give me new eyes.
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GREAT BOOK!
AWESOME PODCAST ON BODY IMAGE
(With a couple of my closest friends)
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At thirteen, after being abandoned by my mother one summer and left to take care of my younger brother, I became susceptible to a relationship that turned out to be toxic, abusive, and ultimately exploitative. I eventually found myself working in a strip club at the age of nineteen, and my boyfriend became my pimp, controlling my every move and taking all of my money.
Scars and Stilettos is my stark, honest, and ultimately hopeful story of how God found me in that dark, noisy place, led me back out, and prompted me to help others who are trapped as I once was. I hope to expose the realities of the commercial sex industry and inspire hope that freedom and healing are possible for those involved.
BUY
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May 14, 2020
Facing the Pain
We can’t fix what we don’t face.
I spent years hiding from the pain that sexual abuse and rape brought to my life. Because I didn’t deal with the pain, the pain had a way of dealing with me. It manifested in extraordinarily low self-esteem and made me vulnerable to dysfunctional relationships. Eventually, as my life unraveled, I found myself working in a strip club under the control of my abusive boyfriend/pimp.
Thanks to a friend who showed me God’s unconditional love until I was compelled to experience it for myself, I fell in love with Jesus. I discovered the truths that I am loved, valued, and purposed. The more they took root in my heart, the more difficult it became to live in a way that contradicted them.
Empowered by these revelations, I walked away from stripping and the abusive relationship. Still, I didn’t know if there was a place in my newfound faith for all of my pain. The people at church always seemed so happy. Surely, none of them had pasts like mine, I mistakenly thought.
One day, a friend divulged that she had been sexually abused. She was looking for a confidant but I found myself frozen and stiff, terrified of the memories that surfaced as she shared. Sexual abuse had been a taunting “giant” in my life, leaving me paralyzed with fear.
I have learned that we cannot overcome what we do not face.
Jeremiah 6:14 says it another way, “You cannot heal a wound by saying it’s not there.”
Often, our misdirected efforts to cope with pain lead us into deeper places of despair. Attempts to escape pain can create unhealthy patterns such as overeating, alcohol or drug dependency, eating disorders, self-harm or even binging on Netflix in an attempt to avoid reality.
After listening to my friend’s story, I began a journey of facing my pain and exploring the impact abuse had on the trajectory of my life.
As I confronted my pain, I identified with the story of the Israelites in 1Samuel 17. Like me, they were faced with a taunting giant and found themselves paralyzed with fear. Through the example of David, a young shepherd whose extraordinary faith in a faithful God gave him the courage to face the giant, I gained the courage to face the giants in my life. Like David, with God on my side, I overcame them.
We must face our pain to overcome it. With God, it is possible.
My story did not end with the pain. In 2003, while pursuing a Master’s in Social Welfare from UCLA, I founded Treasures, an outreach and support group for women in the sex industry and victims of sex trafficking with a Global impact. I have a beautiful daughter who fills my life with laughter, and I’m married to an AMAZING man who supports the call of God on my life.
Your story is not over! I am not saying it will be easy. I am saying it will be worth it. And YOU are worth it!
[image error]
GETTING PAST YOUR PAST
This blog was Day 1 of my FREE, 7-day devotional…
[image error]We’ve been called to a life of freedom, yet are often held back by the pain of our past. I know this because I have had a lot of “past” to overcome—from sexual abuse and rape, to working as a stripper under the control of my boyfriend/pimp. The healing journey isn’t always easy, but it is worth it. YOU are worth it! Join me in getting past your past by downloading this FREE guide.
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GETTING PAST YOUR PAST
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At thirteen, after being abandoned by my mother one summer and left to take care of my younger brother, I became susceptible to a relationship that turned out to be toxic, abusive, and ultimately exploitative. I eventually found myself working in a strip club at the age of nineteen, and my boyfriend became my pimp, controlling my every move and taking all of my money.
Scars and Stilettos is my stark, honest, and ultimately hopeful story of how God found me in that dark, noisy place, led me back out, and prompted me to help others who are trapped as I once was. I hope to expose the realities of the commercial sex industry and inspire hope that freedom and healing are possible for those involved.
BUY
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March 17, 2020
PRACTICAL HELP FOR TRYING TIMES
Loss of access to work, childcare, food, and even basic necessities like soap and toilet paper have many of us in an increased state of anxiety. There is so much uncertainty all at once.
These unprecedented times bring unprecedented opportunity— to band together, love and serve each other like never before.
From food banks and community resources, to tools for calming anxiety, I created this guide to give you some practical resources and tools to navigate these trying times. Please share any resources you have found helpful!
SOCIAL DISTANCING, NOT SOCIAL ISOLATION
Conversations will not be cancelled.
Relationships will not be cancelled.
Love will not be cancelled.
Songs will not be cancelled.
Reading will not be cancelled.
Self-care will not be cancelled.
Hope will not be cancelled.
May we lean into the good stuff that remains. ~Jamie Tworkowski
Social distancing does not have to mean social isolation. Check on friends and neighbors (especially the elderly). Find ways to continue to connect. Facetime, Zoom, Group Chat, Online Support Groups and Online Therapy sessions. Whatever it takes.
I personally LOVE the Marco Polo app for video chatting with friends! I use this with my accountability group.
GET INFORMED, NOT OVERWHELMED
Many of us are not only isolated, we are inundated. Our news and social media feeds are filled with information (both true and false). We can care for ourselves by doing the following:
Limit excessive continuous exposure to the media.
Set boundaries around your time
Follow trusted and official sources like: CDC.gov, PublicHealth.LACounty.gov, LAMayor.org/Coronavirus
Speaking of staying informed, did you know that in Los Angeles, according to Mayor Garcetti, ”no landlord shall evict a residential tenant in the City of Los Angeles during this local emergency period if the tenant is able to show an inability to pay rent due to circumstances related to the COVID-19 pandemic?” Learn more here. And Public Works will not shut off or stop services (Water, Power, Trash etc.) for customers who are delinquent or behind in service or permit payments until this order is lifted.
REDUCE AND MANAGE ANXIETY
It is difficult to function as our best selves when we are riddled with fear and anxiety. While it is important to acknowledge our emotional state, we can also take steps to ground ourselves and create an emotional landscape that is more conducive to peace and joy.
PRACTICES
Breathing (Inhale for 4 seconds, hold 4, exhale 4, repeat)
Meditation and Prayer
Journaling
Laughing
Singing
Puzzling, coloring, and reading
Create a gratitude list (Gratitude shifts our perspective and releases dopamine)
Exercise (releases dopamine and reduce stress)
5-4-3-2-1 Grounding Technique
Sit comfortably
Breathe Deeply
Name 5 things you can see
4 things you can feel
3 things you can hear
2 things you can smell
1 thing you can taste
RESOURCES
Spiritual Grounding: I am LOVING the One Minute Pause App by John Eldredge. The Youversion Bible App has some great, free devotionals
PTSD Assessment, Support and Tools: PTSD COACH App
My favorite soothing music
Helpful Article: Staying Out of Trauma Brain During Coronavirus
FOCUS ON WHAT YOU CAN CONTROL
So much is beyond our control right now. It is important to stay focused on what we can control.
Take measures to protect yourself
Hydrate, rest and nourish your body
Contact your work HR department regarding work policies
Evaluate and adjust your finances
Engage with people and activities that are life-giving
GET THE HELP YOU NEED
From food, housing and transportation to health and employment, there are community resources in place to help you! Check out what is available in Los Angeles.
If you are outside of LA County, you may try calling 211 or visiting http://www.211.org for resources near you.
WE ARE HERE FOR YOU
If you have worked in the commercial sex industry and/or have been a victim of trafficking and need some extra encouragement and support, you can sign up for a free care package and additional resources here.
There is so much that is beyond our control right now. This virus is wreaking havoc on our planet, but there are some things that it can’t take away from us unless we let it.
We can still choose love, kindness, peace, thoughtfulness and generosity, whatever that looks like in our context.
PS. Please feel free to share this with anyone you think may benefit.
SUPPORT SURVIVORS THROUGH OUR EMERGENCY RELIEF FUND
$10 Essential toiletries for one woman
$35 Hope-filled care package for one woman
$50 Babysitting funds for single mothers
$100 Assistance with groceries
$500 Emergency financial assistance for those whose jobs have been affected
In case you missed it: The Sex Industry and COVID-19
Looking for a hope-filled book to read? Check out my memoir, Scars and Stilettos.
*Shout out to Tracy Nielsen and Monique Calderon for helping gather this info!
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December 28, 2019
2020 VISION: NEW DECADE, NEW YOU
Is anyone else ready for this decade to end!!!??? Shew! There were some moments when it almost took me out.
I have always been a task-oriented, goal-driven person.
Ten years ago, I found myself in the middle of an unexpected divorce, in the throes of single parenting and on the brink of bankruptcy. It felt like most of my energy was spent on just trying to survive. As the new year approached, I was emotionally drained and just couldn’t bring myself to sit down and write out a bunch of lofty goals and resolutions like I normally did. That year, I decided that instead of planning out all that I wanted to do, I would focus on who I wanted to become—as a mother, leader, friend, and overall human being. I determined to be a present and attentive mother, an available, life-giving friend, an authentic leader who operates out of vulnerability, and a generous, joy and peace-filled human.
These “becoming” goals prompted me to explore new practices and life rhythms that would help me become the person I envisioned. Things like sabbath-keeping, making time for fun and play, and intentionally building deep, reciprocal relationships with a few safe women. As an added measure of accountability, these friends and I regularly ask ourselves and each other the question, “Do you like the person you are becoming?” Some days I do, some days I don’t. Some days I feel like the kind and loving human I desire to be, and other days, I feel like an impatient crab.
A decade later, I have to say, I am still in the process of becoming. I believe we are all in the process of becoming. The question is, “who”?
The truth is, we don’t always get to choose our circumstances, but we can decide who we will become in the process. We can allow the storms and difficulties of life to cultivate things like frustration, bitterness, depression and anxiety, or we can choose to cultivate things like perseverance, peace and joy.
Maybe you are entering 2020 full of gusto and vision for all that you want to accomplish in the next decade. That is wonderful! I celebrate you! Go on and make that list and crush those goals! You got this!
Maybe you are entering 2020 feeling more like a battered soldier, using your last bit of strength to pull yourself into the evacuation vehicle. You are hanging on by a thread and hoping to finally leave that battlefield behind. Friend, I celebrate you. You made it! Go on and give yourself a great big hug. You are still here. Still fighting. You got this!
However and whoever you are today, as this decade comes to a close, I invite you to join me in reflecting on who you want to become in the next season of your life.
If you are up for the challenge, here are some ideas to help you unlock vision for who you will become in 2020.
TAKE SOME TIME TO…
Reflect on each of your key roles and relationships (You may want to consider adding your relationship with yourself and your relationship with God to the list).
How have you been arriving in each of these roles/relationships? (For example, are you present and connected? Disconnected and distracted?)
Picture the person you dream of being as it relates to each of your roles/relationships. In other words, who do you want to become? Write down the vision.
When you think of the person you desire to become, are there currently any obstacles standing in your way? If so, are there adjustments that can be made to address them. (For example, with regards to your relationship with yourself, if one of the obstacles to becoming a person who prioritizes self-care is lack of time, are there shifts that can be made in your schedule or adjustments to how you spend your time?
As you reflect on the person you desire to become, are you sensing any invitations to do something in response? (For example, implement a new practice, activity or routine.)
Additional Questions for Reflection
When you think about your current roles and relationships, are they life-giving? Draining? Are there people or activities you would like to spend more or less time devoted to?
Reflect on the past year or decade. What do you notice most? Were there any themes? How did you spend most of your time? Are there any changes to your rhythm or pace of life you would like make? If so, what?
Happy 2020, friends! Here’s to the process of becoming!
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December 15, 2019
TOP 12 FAVORITE BOOKS
Hi Friends!
I sat here prepared to write a blog about emotional roller coasters and toxic relationships, but to be honest, I am just not in the mood for all of that today!
So let’s just put a pin in that and move on to one of my favorite things on the planet… BOOKS!
I love the smell of books and bookstores. I love the feeling of starting a book and discovering a new way of thinking or living or seeing the world. I even love that moment when you read the last words of a book that is so good, you feel a sense of grief that it’s over. Has anyone else shed a tear about this?
Here are some of my favorite books of all time!
1. MOST INSPIRING
[image error]One of the original truth-tellers, Maya Angelou was the first writer I encountered who shared her experience of overcoming trauma and adversity. I was captivated by her writing and saw myself in her story. I was also inspired that one day, I just might be able to overcome my own pain and be able to share it with others.
2. COULDN’T PUT IT DOWN
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I admit that I arrived late to the Picoult Party. After reading Small Great Things, I binged on the rest of her books and was not disappointed. This one is still my favorite. I fell in love with these characters and definitely cried when it was over.
3. MOST LIFE-CHANGING
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Okay, so I know I am totally cheating here, but I couldn’t pick just one book from Dr. Cloud & Dr. Townsend. Hands down, their books have impacted my life more than any others.
4. SHE READ MY MAIL
[image error][image error]I read this gem during one of those “deconstructing my faith and pondering the role of the Church and my place in it” seasons. All I can say is, “Thank you, Rachel”.
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5. DON’T YOU DARE GET MARRIED UNTIL YOU READ THIS
[image error][image error]That title tho! I normally don’t like people telling me what to do and wouldn’t naturally be drawn to a book with such a bossy title, but man, my husband and I loved this one and answered every question! It’s filled with over 500 questions to ask before you jump the broom. Everything from “Who will take out the trash?” to “If I wanted to move away from our families for work, would you support me?” Even if you are already married, these are some good conversation starters. Tip: If you are abstaining until marriage, you might want to save the sex chapter until you are close to saying “I do”.
6. HOT MESS ON AISLE 5
[image error][image error]Oh friends, I was the hottest of messes. Drowning in codependency, I was literally addicted to trying to “fix” other people and their problems. Conveniently, this kept me from having to face my own pain and baggage. This book helped me see what I couldn’t see and break a relational cycle that was wreaking havoc in my life.
7. LLOL-ING
[image error][image error]It really bothers me when people type “LOL” when they aren’t even laughing. It just cheapens the whole thing. And when is the last time you actually laughed so hard you rolled on the floor? Just be honest when you text me. My friend and I came up with a way to cut through all of the mistrust and communicate more truthfully. LLOL-ING is when you are Literally Laughing Outloud. That is the gift that this book gave me.
8. IT’S COMPLICATED
[image error]Have you ever been in a situation where you are fan girling over your friend? It’s like this with Ashely Abercrombie for me. She is one of my best friends on the planet, but I am seriously the captain of her fan club! If you are tired of pretending, mask-wearing, polite silence or trite responses when it comes to controversial topics, and the pursuit of justice being reduced to t–shirt–wearing, this book is for you!
9. ADDED YEARS TO MY LIFE
[image error][image error]I spent the first few decades of my life burning the candle at both ends, as my mother would say. This book stopped me in my tracks and awakened me to a rhythm of life that is healthier and more sustainable. When I am chasing my grandkids around one day, I will have Ruth to thank.
10. PARENTING PICK
[image error][image error]Parenting is so personal and nuanced. Every child is different. Every relationship is different. It’s hard to pick just one book that covers it all. But what I love about this one is the focus on looking for opportunities for children to learn through experiencing natural consequences. They also have a version for teens. These are some other parenting books you may like: The Whole-Brain Child and Loving Our Kids On Purpose.
11. SHMONEY
[image error][image error]Once upon a time, I was drowning in debt, stuck in poverty mindsets and had a pretty low financial IQ. Side rant: Why don’t they teach budgeting in school? Then, Mr. Kiyosaki took my hand, sat me down and taught me about finances in a way that didn’t make me want to have a panic attack. At least that is what it felt like when I read his book. Another one of my favorites is Smart Women Finish Rich.
12. INSPIRATION FOR WRITERS
[image error][image error]If you are a writer, have tried to be a writer or have ever even thought about being a writer, this book is for you. This woman has had a greater impact on my own writing journey than any other. Bird by Bird is my go to for writing inspiration!
JUST PINCH ME!
MORE OF MY FAVORITE BOOKS
By purchasing these books using the links below, you are supporting the work of Treasures thanks to the brilliance of the Amazon Affiliates program.
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October 10, 2019
HOW I GOT MY BABIES TO SLEEP THROUGH THE NIGHT
I love sleep. Truly.
I have heard of success-driven people who have supposedly trained themselves to survive on less than 4-hours a night. That is not the life for me. I am a better human when I have had a solid 7.5 hours, which is why it was so important to me to get my babies sleeping through the night ASAP.
After reading a bazillion books and blogs and interrogating dozens of moms to learn their secrets, I created a “Sleep Training Cheat Sheet” that I have been sharing with friends and family and anyone sporting a baby bump for the past eleven years since my daughter was born. Even though this is not my typical blog post, I decided to share this on the world wide web in case you know any new or expecting moms who are desperate for a good night’s sleep and don’t have time to read 15 books!
If you love them, please share!
SLEEP TRAINING CHEAT SHEET
By 9 weeks old my son, Luca (pictured in the featured image) was sleeping 9.5 hours straight, waking for a “dream feed” and then sleeping for another 3 hours. That makes me two for two on amazing sleepers! And while I completely recognize that every baby is different, I do believe that the sleep strategies below have certainly played a role in both of my children’s sleep training.
These are essentially cliff notes on some of the main sleep strategies that I have found work the best.
THE 5 S’s
The Happiest Baby on the Block was one of my favorite books on sleep training. Essentially, the author proposes that human babies are born sooner than any other creature in terms of physical development. This is because of our brain size/head size. If we were to stay in the womb any longer, our heads wouldn’t make it out the vaginal canal. He theorizes that physically, human babies would really benefit from 3 more months in the womb. A fourth trimester. And thus, the key to a happy, sleeping baby is to recreate the environment of the womb using what he calls the 5 S’s. Whether or not his theory is correct, I will tell you that the 5 S’s have become the foundation of sleep training/baby soothing for me.
1. SWADDLE
Swaddling imitates the snug packaging inside the womb and is the cornerstone of calming. It decreases startling and increases sleep. Swaddled babies respond faster to the other 4 S’s and stay soothed longer because their arms can’t flail wildly.
FYI, babies shouldn’t be swaddled all day, just during fussing and sleep. Wrap arms snug – straight at the side – but let the hips be loose and flexed. Make sure your baby isn’t too hot and be sure not to cover your baby’s head or allow loose blankets.
If your baby struggles against the swaddle, just add the other S’s and within minutes they’ll be calm…and sleep better, too!
Swaddle Tips: For newborns, I love the swaddleme pod. For older babies, the Woombie Swaddle is my favorite. With my daughter, I used aden & anais muslin blankets, but my son was a little Houdini and did better in the zip-up options. There are also velcro swaddles but they can snag your clothes. No bueno.
2. SIDE OR STOMACH POSITION
The back is the only safe position for sleeping but it’s the worst position for calming fussiness. This “S” can be activated by putting a baby on her side, on her stomach or over your shoulder. You can also hold your baby in a side or stomach position while you rock them.
3. SHUSH
Contrary to common myths, babies don’t need total silence to sleep. That’s why they’re so good at sleeping at noisy parties! In the womb, the sound of the blood flow makes a shush noise which is louder than a vacuum cleaner. This sound is familiar and calming.
But, not all white noise is created equal. Hissy fans and ocean sounds often fail because they lack the womb’s rumbly quality. The best way to imitate these magic sounds is with a white noise machine. I like this one because it is inexpensive and can run on batteries or through an outlet. Nowadays, they also have apps for this. (To calm crying – play it as loud as your baby; to promote sleep -play it as loud as a shower)
4. SWING
Life in the womb is jiggly! Slow rocking is fine for keeping babies calm, but to soothe worked up and crying babies, the motion needs to be fast and tiny.
Make sure to always support the head/neck; keep your motions small (no more than 1 inch back and forth to protect their delicate brains).
5. SUCK
Sucking is the icing on the cake of calming. Many fussy babies relax into a deep tranquility when they suck.
Other great calming techniques that imitate the womb include, skin-to-skin contact; wearing your baby in a sling; warm baths; gentle massage.
Here is my happy baby boy, sleeping peacefully in the middle of a horribly noisy event.
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SCHEDULING
Baby Wise is a book that promotes parent-directed sleep scheduling. It tends to be pretty contorversial as it encourages the “cry it out” method. Attachment style parenting does not agree with “cry it out” and argues that it interferes with secure attachment.
Honestly, I have wreslted with all of this myself. With my daughter, I did a little bit of cry it out, but never felt great about it. With my son, I decided not to do any cry it out and have employed all of the other strategies and he is a great sleeper. Here is why I did not do “cry it out” with him.
Trust vs Mistrust: According to the psychologist Erik Erikson, we all go through several psychosocial stages throughout our lives. The first one occurs during infancy and is known as Trust Vs Mistrust. In this stage, an infant is learning whether or not they can trust their caregivers to meet their needs. When we let a baby cry it out, my concern is that we would teach them that they cannot rely on their caregivers to meet their needs.
Attachment Theory: According to attachment theory, a person will form different patterns of attachment depending on how they experienced their early caregiving environment. Attachement theory suggests that there are 4 attachment classifications: secure attachment, anxious-ambivalent attachment, anxious-avoidant attachment, and disorganized attachment. In the presence of a sensitive and responsive caregiver, the infant will use the caregiver as a “safe base” from which to explore. The goal is to create a secure attachment between yourself and your child by being a responsive caregiver.
Like I said, I did a bit of cry it out with my daughter. And I have known many incredible parents that have raised healthy, well-adjusted children and have used the “cry it out” method to get their kids to sleep. We all have to figure out what feels good for us based on our unique circumstances and needs. If my son wasn’t sleeping through the night in a reasonable amount of time, I might be tempted to revisit the cry it out method! I just wanted to mention these concepts to consider as you are deciding what is right for you and your family.
What I will say about Baby Wise is, regardless of where you land on the topic above, don’t throw the baby out with the bath water! Haha!
I have found their general schedule based on age listed below to be incredibly helpful!
SAMPLE FEEDING SCHEDULE
(From Chapter 6 of Babywise)
Weeks 1-4 (month 1)
The first two weeks, it is recommended to feed on demand and not make any effort to schedule
Eat every 2 ½ – 3 hours
8-10 feedings in 24 hours
Sleeping no more than 5 hours at night (in order to maintain milk supply)
Weeks 5-8 (1-2 months)
Eat every 2 ½ – 3 ½ hours
7-8 feedings (only once they are sleeping through the night…..7-8 hrs. at this age)
Sleeping 7-8 hours at night by week 8
Weeks 9-15 (2-4 months)
Eat every 3-4 hours
5-7 feedings between weeks 12-15
*because between weeks 12-15 is when you drop the late night feeding
and they go to bed earlier and sleep longer
Sleeping 9-10 hours at night (closer to 9 if you a milk supply concern)
Weeks 16-24 (4-6 months)
Eat every 3-4 hours
4-6 feedings
10-11 hours at night (continue to monitor your milk supply)
Weeks 24-52 (6-12 months)
You will probably still nurse 4-6 times at the beginning of this phase, but eventually your baby will only be taking 2 naps (maybe 2 long and 1 catnap in the beginning) so you will then probably nurse only 4 times…..upon waking, after the 1st nap, after the 2ndnap, and before bed.
*This is the time that you will start introducing solid foods alongside breastmilk. My loving, protective husband was very concerned about choking when our son starting eating regular food. We found this awesome video that helped us see the difference between gagging and choking and put us both at ease!
NOTE: Time between feedings is calculated from the beginning of one feeding to the beginning of the next. It is important to make sure that the baby gets the FULL feeding each time. This ensures that the baby gets the richer “hindmilk” at each feeding, which keeps them from getting hugry sooner.
*Remember every baby is different and these are general guidelines. But, if your baby deviates drastically and consistently from this then you need to evaluate possible whys. You know your baby…use that parental assessment!
SAMPLE SLEEP SCHEDULE
Newborn (0-2 months)
Sleeping 16-20 hours in 24 hours…..in the form of 6-8 naps (depending on the number of feedings) and nighttime sleep.
Naps are 1-2 hours long in a 2-3 hour cycle…..limit waketime to 45 mintues max. including feeding time
Two Months
Naps are at least 1 ½ hours long…number of naps depends on # of feedings
Three to Five months
3 naps, 1 ½ – 2 hours in length
Six to sixteen months
at about 6 months, you will drop the later afternoon/ early evening nap leaving…..
2 naps, 1 ½ – 2 1/2 hours in length…..some will keep that 3rd nap (as a “cat nap” for longer than 6 months)
Beyond 16 months
sometime between 16-20 months they will drop their 2nd nap, leaving only 1 long nap (about 2-3 hours)
*Again, remember every baby is different and these are general guidelines. But, if your baby deviates drastically and consistently from this then you need to evaluate possible whys. You know your baby…use that parental assessment!
SUPER HELPFUL TIPS
1. EAT. WAKE. SLEEP.
Many parents use the bottle or the breast to get a baby to sleep. Baby Wise suggests using the Eat. Wake. Sleep. pattern in order to encourage children to not become dependent on a feeding to fall asleep. So that means that throuhout the day, you feed the baby as soon as they wake up, allow them wake time, then put them to sleep without feeding them. The only exceptions to this would be when you do a feeding right before their “big sleep” at night and dream feeding in the middle of the night.
2. SLEEP BEGETS SLEEP
Some people think that if they keep their baby up more during the day, they will sleep more later. Unfortunately, this is not true. Sleep begets sleep. The more a baby sleeps, the more they will sleep. And, in general, it is not necessary to wake a baby from a nap so they will sleep more later. When babies are over-tired, they go into a state of hightened alertness and anxiety that makes it more difficult for them to fall asleep.
The first couple of months, babies won’t really spend more than 45 minutes of awake time at a time. At the first sign that my babies were tired (usually after 2 yawns) I swaddled them back up and put them in the place they were going to have their nap. When I did this, I made sure they were sleepy, but happy. They would often even lay there for a bit before they fell asleep. I would leave them alone during this time.
Sometimes people thought I was seriously crazy with how quick I was to put my babies back down for a nap. I can’t count the number of people who have said, “What?! Another nap!? They just woke up!” But I am telling you, sleep begets sleep. And when a babysitter or relative deviated from this, I ended up with a cranky baby.
The other cool thing about this is that when they are awake, they are super alert and engaged because they aren’t tired.
The key is to put them down when they are sleepy, not sleeping as often as you can. This helps them learn to self-soothe and have a positive experience with the place they are going to sleep. If they starts to fuss, pick them up before they escalate, soothe them and try to put them back down before they are in a deep sleep so that they can experience falling asleep on their own. This is called the “Pick Up, Put Down” techinique. If you do decide to let them cry it out at some point, you might want to consider using it along with “pick up, put down” so they don’t get too escalated.
3. HAPPY NAPS
Once your baby wakes up from their nap, try to get to them before they get frustrated and start crying so that their wake up experience can be happy and peaceful too. Again, we want them to associate their sleeping place as a positive, peaceful place.
4. WAKING BABY FROM NAPS
In the early weeks, I did wake the baby up from their nap when they had slept through to the point when it is the recommended time for the next feeding during the day according to the Baby Wise schedule. I did this to keep my milk supply up and to promote the “long sleep” happening at night. In general, otherwise, it is good to let them sleep as long as possible.
5. TYPES OF CRIES
Did you know that babies have different cries that mean different things? I didn’t until I saw this video! After seeing this, I realized that sometimes my son woke up just because he had to poop or fart, or wanted his pacifier. Instead of picking him up, I would give him his pacifier and give him a gentle rock in his basinett. He would go right back to sleep! However, if that didn’t put him back to sleep and I started to hear him make a “Neh” sound indicating hunger, I would feed him.
6. CLUSTER FEEDING
Especially if your baby is doing a big sleep during the night, they might want to do a bunch of cluster feeding in the evening, right before. Sometimes my son ate every hour before his big sleep. Especially because milk can tend to be lower in the evenings.
7. FRIVALOUS BUT SPLENDID
The DocATot is a friavlous, yet absolutely splendid sleep aparatus that my son LOVED! It is portable and also fits inside most bassinets to safely create a dreamy, snug sleeping space.
This is so important I need to say it again… every baby is different. Things like personality, growth spurts, teething, and gas can all play a role. But hopefully some of this helps you get a better night’s sleep!
Love, Harmony
PS. Please feel free to share sleep training tips in the comments! I am sure other moms would love to hear from you!
*Thanks to the brilliance of the Amazon Associates program, when you use links in this blog to purchase items on Amazon, a portion of the proceeds will support the work of Treasures!
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September 25, 2019
TEMPTED TO GO BACK
“You could make enough money to pay your bills
if you just went back for one night”.
I had this very thought about returning to work in a strip club WHILE I was leading Treasures and walking alongside other women on their journey out. My ex-husband had just left and I was a single mom, on the brink of bankruptcy, and on the verge of losing my home. Circumstances were prime for a temptation like this.
I tell you this because I want you to know that thoughts of going back are completely normal. And it’s not just the sex industry. Anytime we leave a dysfunctional relationship, addiction, or any unhealthy pattern of behavior behind, it is normal to think about going back. It’s human nature to want to return to what is familiar, even when it’s not good for us.
But, I have seen women allow shame about even having a thought like this send them into an absolute tailspin of second guessing their progress and even backtracking.
The truth is, we can’t control the thoughts that pop into our minds, but we CAN control how we respond to them.
We can choose to give our thoughts power by replaying them, again and again, and even acting on them. Or we can choose to refocus our thinking and reorient ourselves to a path of healing, growth and freedom.
If you find yourself tempted to return to a relationship, situation or behavior that you know you need to stay away from, here are some hopefully helpful strategies to keep you on the right track…
GET CURIOUS
In many cases, the temptation itself is an indicator of an unmet need. Ask yourself, “What’s really going on here? Am I bored? Lonely? Worn down? What do I actually need?”
So often, we try to meet legitimate needs in illegitimate ways. Perhaps there is a healthier way to get your needs met. Going for a run or a hike might just give you the adrenaline or endorphin boost you are looking for. Spending time with someone who shares your desire for growth might help you feel less isolated.
In my case, what I actually needed was money for formula for my baby. I called a friend, we laughed at the absurdity of the temptation I had, and she took me to buy groceries. I also spent time building my faith by reminding myself that God is ultimately my provider and as I followed Him, He would show me a way through the tough season I was navigating. (BTW, He did!)
COUNT THE COST
You walked away for a reason. Take some time to remember why. What did it cost you to stay in that situation, relationship or behavioral pattern?
Specifically, when it comes to the commercial sex industry, the money can be good but the price is high. Yes, I have thought about going back, but I have never regretted my decision to leave.
What would happen if you did go back? Where might you be in 6-months? Would you be closer to your goals and dreams, or further from them?
I know a man who keeps a letter he wrote to himself in his wallet. The letter is a reminder of all of the devastation that would happen should he ever succumb to the temptation to cheat on his wife. He has counted the cost and he knows that he knows that he knows— it’s not worth it.
REMEMBER THE DREAM
It’s not enough to focus on the past we want to leave behind, we need to dream about the future we want.
I dreamed of a day when I would have a job I loved— one that felt meaningful. I dreamed of a healthy marriage and a strong bond with my children. I dreamed of a home filled with laughter and peace, and friends gathered around my dining table. I dreamed of a home where we could handle conflict with respect and navigate the storms of life with hope and faith. I can tell you this… I am living the life I imagined.
Remembering this dream when I might have been tempted to go back to old people and old ways has kept me moving forward. In fact, it still keeps me on track because the dream I have requires that I choose joy, pursue peace, persevere through struggles and continue to grow as a wife, mom and leader.
Your dreams matters. They are worth fighting for. YOU are worth fighting for.
If you have never taken the time to dream about the life you want, I encourage you to start now! And if you need some more encouragement that no matter what your circumstances, your dreams are within reach, check out the video below.
START WHERE YOU ARE
Maybe you are still in a relationship or situation that you know you need to leave. Maybe you are newly out and feeling like you might be teetering back. Or, maybe you just feel stagnate, like you haven’t made much progress in a while. Your path to growth and freedom starts right here, right now, right where you are.
Your dreams, aspirations and career goals are important, and I believe that God has a roadmap for you on how to get there, no matter how far off they may seem. The only way to get to where you are going is to start where you are.
All you have to do is put one foot in front of the other. You can make the entire journey that way.
What’s your next step?
Love, Harmony
Ps. If you have worked in the commercial sex industry or been a victim of exploitation or trafficking, we are here for you! You can sign up here for a care package including a free copy of my memoir, and more info on our mentoring and support group: http://iamatreasure.com/industry-girl...
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August 28, 2019
She was trafficked for over 6 years … now she’s FREE!
July 29, 2019
WHEN YOUR PAIN IS GRIEF
Just after I finished a year-long step study, my friend invited me to a grief recovery group she was facilitating. Having just gone through the pain-staking process of taking a “searching and fearless moral inventory” of myself, I was ready for a break from all things recovery. It was an easy “no”.
“Okay. Well, would you just pray about it?” she nudged.
I agreed to pray, but felt very confident in my original decision. My prayer went something like this, “God, I have no desire to take a class on grief recovery. I told Jocelyn I would pray, this is me praying. Over and out.”
“Your pain in grief.”
Before I fell asleep at night, when I woke up in the morning, that’s all I heard.
“Your pain is grief.”
I knew I needed to take that dang class. As begrudgingly as I did, it helped me find emotional completion in the aftermath of my divorce as well as to grief surrounding the part of my childhood that was lost to abuse, abandonment and neglect. What I didn’t know at the time was that I would desperately need to use what I learned again and again for years to come.
Soon after my husband and I started dating, my best friend and sister-in-love was tragically murdered by her husband. A few months after our wedding, my husband’s brother committed suicide. Less than a year later, a dear friend of mine took her life too. All the while, we lost baby after baby on our journey to having a child. Five in total. Then, as some of you may know, on June 21st, my mother died of young-onset dementia at the age of 63. Sixteen days later, my husband’s father who raised him died after a long battle with cancer.
We are no strangers to grief.
In fact, it feels like we have been grieving one thing or another our entire relationship. And while it does not take away the sting of loss, knowing how to process grief and find emotional completion has helped our hearts continue to heal. Our marriage is stronger for it.
If your pain is grief, I want to share some things that have helped me as I have navigated grief in my life.*
PEOPLE ARE GOING TO SAY DUMB STUFF
I am sorry, but it is true. Your heart will be hurting and well-meaning people who don’t know how to hold space for your grief will say something like the following to try to make you feel better.
“They are in a better place.”
“You can still have another child.”
“There are more fish in the sea.”
“I know exactly what you are going through.”
“All things happen for a reason.”
Whether they are avoiding their own grief, afraid of our feelings or just plain uncomfortable and want to “fix it”, this is bound to happen. It is helpful for me to remember that when people say stuff like this, usually, it’s because they themselves haven’t learned to deal with grief in healthy, honest ways. This helps me have compassion and fight the urge to kick them in the shin.
IT’S COMPLICATED
Usually, grief is complicated. People are complicated. We might feel an urge to either idealize or villainize a person after a death or divorce. In one instance, focusing on all of the positive experiences and attributes, in the other, focusing on all of the negative.
After my mother died, my brain was in a ping pong match, rapidly vacillating between beautiful memories of her taking me on night swims at the beach and catching caterpillars together, to those of her stealing money out of my piggy bank for drugs and flying into a rage when the groceries fell out of the back of the van and hitting me for no reason.
It was as if my mind was trying to make sense of her, to categorize her into a final resting place, once and for all. Was she good or bad? She was both. And I have to find a way to hold the tension between the two realities of her.
Facing the whole truth of our grief, in all of its complicatedness, is part of the path to emotional completion.
TIME DOES NOT HEAL ALL WOUNDS
In fact, quite the contrary. Whether we try to anesthetize our pain with addictions or unhealthy coping mechanisms or our grief prevents us from opening our hearts to new people and relationships, unresolved grief can cause issues for years to come.
After our first miscarriage, my husband brought home Velveeta Shells and Cheese and Cherry Garcia ice cream. We lied in bed, binged on Netflix and filled our tummies with the salty, sugary goodness of macaroni and cheese and ice cream. Every miscarriage and every loss since, we have done the same. It has become sort of a grief ritual.
In grief recovery, this is known as STERB-ing. A STERB is a Short-Term, Energy-Relieving Behavior. Essentially, it is a behavior that helps to temporarily relieve some of the pain of grief. Temporarily being the operative word.
While we have come to find some measure of comfort in our routine, we know that our grief will not get resolved with junk food and television. If we engaged in STERB-ing as a way of life, we would be in trouble. We would be an emotionally disconnected couple with high blood pressure and high cholesterol.
Instead, we worked through the sorrow— the loss of the children whose future we had already begun to dream of, the shattered hope, and the fears of it happening again. In time, we named each baby, said what we needed to say and felt what we needed to feel.
The truth is, time does not heal all wounds. We have to face our pain to overcome it.
THE STAGES OF GRIEF ARE A MYTH
The concept of the “stages of grief” was intended to identify the emotional process a person who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness might go through. It was not meant to be applied to the experience of someone experiencing a loss. Mistakenly, many people assume that grief follows this pre-set category of stages and that the only way to heal is to experience each one of them.
In reality, the experience of grief is unique to every person and relationship and may or may not include things like anger and bargaining.
Having each lost a parent within a few weeks of each other, my husband and I are both experiencing a similar category of grief. However, our emotional reaction to, experience with and feelings about our losses are different. Just because I also lost a parent, I don’t assume that I know what my husband is going through and vice versa. Instead, we ask questions and share our thoughts and feelings which can change from day to day and moment to moment.
One moment, I might feel sorrowful as I think of the grandmother my mom will never have the chance to be to my children, and the next, I might feel gratitude for the healing and closure we had in our relationship. Right after she died, one day I felt like reading her poetry and going through old photos, the next, I felt like going to the office and getting some work done.
When it comes to grief, it is important to give ourselves and each other permission to grieve in our own unique ways.
SAY WHAT YOU NEED TO SAY
One of the things that I have learned is that so much grief comes from undelivered communication. The apologies, forgiveness and other emotional statements that we didn’t get the chance to share.
Knowing this truth, and also knowing that my mom wouldn’t have her faculties for much longer, my husband kept asking me if there was anything I needed to say to her before it was too late. I had already forgiven her for the places of pain in our relationship, I realized that I needed to thank her for all that she did right as a mother. While she still had some lucidity, we took her on a hike through the majestic, red rock formations at the Garden of the Gods in Colorado. Sitting under the shade of a tree, with joyful, squealing children, playing in rock caves nearby, I was able honor her for teaching me to fight for justice, love nature, think creatively, and live generously. It was one of the most beautiful moments I have ever experienced with another human.
The unfortunate reality is that not all loss affords us this opportunity. As was in the case of my sister-in-love, sometimes people are taken from us tragically and unexpectedly. On top of all that is left unsaid and all that will never be, we are left with the added pain of the circumstances of their death.
Even in these heartbreaking situations, we can still find emotional completion by doing the work of grief recovery and using a completion letter to say what we need to say. I still miss her. With her, the grief has been long and hard. However, I have found some healing and comfort in processing our relationship—the things I needed to apologize for, the things I needed to forgive her for, the things I wanted to thank her for, as well as all of the broken hopes, dreams and expectations. Saying all that was left unsaid hasn’t made me miss her any less, but it has helped my heart heal.
These are just a few of the things that have helped me work through grief. I would love to hear what has been helpful to you….
Love, Harmony
*Most of what I have learned about grief has come from The Grief Recovery Handbook by John W. James and Russel Friedman and the class I took with my dear friend and certified grief recovery counselor, Jocelyn Jackson Williams.
Feel free to share this blog with someone you know who is grieving.
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