Jon Ureña's Blog, page 52
November 5, 2021
We're Fucked, Pt. 13 (Fiction)
Link to this part on my site, where it looks better
---
Our boss left fifteen minutes ago, and the most magical moment for my coworkers has come: they finally get to escape from our mind-numbing routine. Jacqueline's computer has shut off when she slings her purse over her shoulder and looks down at me. I remain slumped in my chair, with my fingers poised over the keyboard.
"You are going to punish yourself by working overtime," she guesses.
Through this workday I've struggled with my unraveling mind, and I only performed half as well as I used to. I should finish enough of the work that has piled up, so tomorrow I can return with a clear conscience and a renewed will to work hard, to be a decent human being, to stop eating poorly, to have a meaningful life. But I stand up from my seat and stretch my neck.
"Fuck it. I'm going home."
"Fuck it, huh?" Jacqueline repeats as she smirks.
Once the three of us exit our office building together, I take a deep breath of cold air that feels like a glass of water in a parched stomach. The weight of the fatigue has settled over my shoulders, and my spine aches dully. Jacqueline and Jordi walk a bit further as I find myself staring at the slope that starts next to the opposite sidewalk, and that is occupied by vegetation that has grown profusely. I feel that the large clump of unkempt, moss green bushes is mocking me, the fool who will try to find an empty seat in a packed train so it will carry me to my dreary nest in my maggoty hometown.
Jacqueline has stopped next to her Audi, and she observes me as if to figure out why I'm spaced out. The setting sun is tinting her hair a rosy gold, casting shadows across her mature features. She's surrounded by a soothing aura of light fitting for such an ethereal, nurturing woman.
"You look like an angel," I blurt out.
Her face brightens up with a smile and a blush. I freeze. I look around to locate Jordi and bid him goodbye, mainly to detract weight from the dreamy voice with which I had complimented my female coworker, but the man has already disappeared.
Jacqueline steps closer. She has narrowed both her eyes and her shoulders as she buttons up her cardigan, giving her a cozy look.
"You are gonna have to walk all the way down to the Lugaritz station, right?"
"Well, yes."
"I'll drive you to Amara if you want. Not any further, though. I want to get home too."
I yearn to be inside Jacqueline, preferably headfirst, but sharing a confined space that belongs to her is an enticing start.
"I feel like I don't have the right to ask you that," I say controlling my tone, "but if you offer it, I can only thank you."
"Great. No need to be that formal, Leire. And hey, check this out."
She points at her fog grey Audi A4 Avant and presses a button on her key fob. A row of inclined bulbs lights up over the headlights, giving the car a futuristic touch. But I am used to my old, murderous car that I abandoned, so most vehicles would feel like a vast improvement.
"I'm thoroughly impressed," I say.
Jacqueline giggles as she opens the driver's door, then she gestures with a tilt of her head towards the passenger's side. Before she regrets having invited me in, I hurry to the opposite door and I crouch into the car. Once both doors are closed, Jacqueline and I adjust our seatbelts. I slide my work bag onto my lap and I lean back against the foam pads of my seat. A strange warmth spreads throughout my body as if a swarm of bees was buzzing around inside me, making my heart flutter with excitement and anxiety.
The interior smells of leather and plastic, with just a hint of perfume. The metallic-looking dashboard is lighted with blue and yellow lines and curves, and it features a touch screen for plenty of the driver's touching needs. I bet it provides a GPS system. I've always wanted to own a vehicle with one, but I never felt like I could afford it. How much did Jacqueline pay for this fancy ride, anyway?
As Jacqueline maneuvers out of the parking lot, I discover that a different screen behind the steering wheel displays the GPS system, and that a HUD on the windshield features a digital speedometer and a fuel gauge. How much did cars improve as I was sleepwalking my life away?
Jacqueline is circling the roundabout at the entrance of the business park when a feeling sinks in: I wish I was stuck in a time loop in which I did nothing else than sit on the passenger seat as this woman drove me around. Only I would know that we would never reach our destination.
We are speeding down the slope that this morning I had to trudge my way up.
"How about some music, huh?" Jacqueline asks.
After she presses a couple of buttons on the touch screen, the multimedia system plays one of those upbeat, popular songs that the radio station insists on replaying week after week, I guess because some executives are bribing them.
"I didn't have enough with listening to your preferred music at the office," I say jokingly, "so now these songs will have further opportunity to burrow into my brain."
Jacqueline laughs. The streets are darkening quick. Two mothers push their strollers as they leave the nearby playground.
"What, you don't like my music?"
"It's not fair to call it yours unless you've composed it or learned how to play it on an instrument. But anyway, do I really seem like the kind of person who would enjoy these rhythms, or lyrics?"
"I don't like to prejudge. But you never stated that you hate the music I put on the radio."
"Why, to start an argument? I could tolerate it enough, the same way a prisoner gets used to regular torture sessions."
"I did buy this car, you know, so I'll keep playing my music."
"Hey, I will endure it, but I assure you, it's the mindless joy of people who were driven crazy by a bad case of Stockholm Syndrome."
Jacqueline taps me on the arm with the back of her hand.
"What kind of music do you listen to at your leisure, then?"
I scratch my nape, embarrassed.
"Usually sad songs about how depressing and disappointing life is, I guess."
Jacqueline fixes her gaze on my face, but I pretend that I find the white, tower-like apartment buildings interesting.
"It's such a shame that you aren't happy," she says.
"I do feel full of shame. But... why would I be happy?" I ask sullenly. "I mean, realistically. When I think about what's out there that could produce such a fabled state in me, I can't come up with anything."
We leave behind the Lugaritz station as Jacqueline's car ascends the adjoined, sloped road. A young woman walking her dog stands aside on the narrow sidewalk so a cyclist can pass by.
"There's sex," Jacqueline says casually.
"Sure," I concede. "As long as you come across the right person. Otherwise you just add to the hill of humiliating memories."
"Also good music and movies, and maybe a few drinks every once in a while to loosen things up and get to know someone better. Or just a nice dinner with friends. Not to mention a big, soft bed to fall asleep in. Traveling too, depending on the destination. But we are making idle talk, aren't we?"
I seek Jacqueline's gaze to figure out what she meant. She glances meaningfully at me, then she focuses on the road again. We are passing through an isolated road that connects the outskirts with downtown Donostia. A wall of tall trees on both sides of the road has blackened our surroundings further, except for the hazy orange cones coming from streetlights.
"What I mean," Jacqueline adds, "is that we both know that some people are born with a smaller capacity for happiness than others due to their genes and similar accidents of fate. The truly cursed could own a mansion in a tropical island and spend their days lounging in the sun, but they'd still be miserable."
I wouldn't have expected those sentences to come out of my coworker's mouth. I lean against the headrest as a sad smile plays across my lips.
"That'd be me. I've always known it, so I stew in my own misery by my lonesome."
"Does that mean that we should give up and accept that our lives are destined for misery and unhappiness? Companionship and maybe love should help, at least a little."
"If I told myself fantastical stories that I'd love to believe, I may end up getting married, raising a bunch of kids and enduring all the noise and mess and chaos that comes with them. I'd be feeding and cleaning up and disciplining and worrying and fighting and making up. Finally I'd have to decide whether to stay or to break up, but after you push out a couple of kids, unless the other person fucks you over, would you want to become a single mom?"
"I would have welcomed being any kind of mom."
"I don't know, Jacqueline," I swallow a hot lump in my throat as an aching feeling settles in my guts. "I don't want to bother you with my opinions, anyway. You are inconvenienced enough by having to drive me around."
She had turned her face towards her window. We are passing through a winding tunnel with grimy, graffitied walls. Her hair, drawn back in a ponytail, glistens like polished ebony wood under candlelight.
I have bothered Jacqueline, that much I can tell. I'm used to rambling to myself, usually out loud, as long as nobody can hear me. I can't contain the flood of words once someone gives me permission to speak, and I always end up freaking them out although they thought they wanted my input, so I'll have to restrain myself.
We have exited the tunnel into one of those serene neighborhoods in the outskirts where the well-off settle in their nests, away from the hubbub of their fellow humans. The curved front of a tortilla brown apartment building peeps out from behind a rustic wall and a slope covered with motley trees. We have reentered Donostia, which means that my destination gets closer, and soon enough Jacqueline will tell me to get out of her car.
"I will get used to walking everywhere and taking the train to cover the distances that would kill me otherwise," I say anxiously, "including ascending the slope to our business park. From tomorrow I'll make the trip in the opposite direction so I can take the train at Lugaritz."
Jacqueline sighs, then she brushes a thin strand of raven black hair behind her ear.
"Why? How long will it take them to repair your car?"
"Uh... Nobody will reanimate it, because it's totaled."
"Totaled?!"
I witness Jacqueline's shocked expression for the first time, but she's forced to focus on the road again, because a long, downward slope heads straight into downtown Donostia. I read in her wide open eyes a silent question: "What did you do?" I can't blame her. For years I yearned to crash my Renault Laguna into a wall at full speed, but then I wouldn't have gotten to sit in Jacqueline's car, so close that she'd only have to reach out to slide her warm fingertips down my thighs.
I wave a hand dismissively.
"My car was a piece of shit anyway."
"Well, will the insurance pay for it?"
"It might if I had it," I admit sheepishly.
Jacqueline admonishes me with a look that makes me feel like a misbehaving girl who could hardly wait to make it up to mommy.
"Leire..."
I shift my weight in my seat as I swallow a nervous lump in my throat. A warm flush had burst in my abdomen, and it's threatening to flow down to my groin.
"What can I say?" I ask in a raspy voice. "I'm merely a helpless child in many respects."
Jacqueline reaches across the center console and takes hold of my left hand with her right one. Her skin is soft and smooth, with delicate veins that show through. At the end of her slender fingers, her nails are painted red with clear polish. Goosebumps rise on my covered arms as I face the concern in her blue eyes, that air of maternal affection. I need to take off my panties and fuck myself.
Jacqueline returns her right hand to the steering wheel.
"That's your personality, but you are far more capable than you give yourself credit."
My heart is beating faster, and I'm getting light-headed.
"I-I might also become a zombie before long, due to a mysterious disease of which nobody has heard but that it's slowly killing me with a variety of symptoms, such as nausea and vomiting and diarrhea and uncontrollable fits of hysterical laughter and a burning sensation that feels like someone is stabbing me with a red hot poker from within my chest cavity up to my brain."
"Sweetie, that doesn't sound like you should strain yourself walking down to the Lugaritz station five days a week. I'll keep driving you to Amara. I'm following my usual route anyway, and I enjoy talking to you."
"Thank you. I don't recall anyone ever saying that to me."
A view of bunched up houses has filled most of the horizon in front of us, as far as the vegetation allows me to see. I dreaded reaching the Amara station because I doubted Jacqueline would offer me a ride again, and I wouldn't muster up the courage to ask her. Was she joking, though? She can't possibly enjoy spending time with me.
"I'm also worried about anyone walking around after sunset," Jacqueline adds somberly, "with all the shit that's going on."
"You mean the rapid disintegration of this country, along with most of Europe?"
"I'm talking about the missing people, and the murders."
I blink repeatedly in confusion, which makes her chuckle.
"C'mon, don't tell me you didn't know!" Jacqueline says.
"I refuse to follow the news. I already struggle to contain my nausea."
She shakes her head and smiles at my reticence.
"Gist of it is, entire clans have been found massacred, and many other people have gone missing. I'm sure the police are pissed, because they look incompetent these days," Jacqueline states matter-of-factly as we pick up speed by noise barriers plastered with stickers of trees and birds of prey, I guess to prevent stupid birds from cracking their skulls by flying headfirst into the barriers.
I suspect that this delicious woman is taking advantage of my innocence, but I'll play along like a good little victim while she gets what she wants out of me.
"That sounds like a veritable murder spree. I would be fine though, as I doubt I belong to any clan, and I avoid trekking through the woods because I'm terrified of sasquatches. But you are right, I'm defenseless. You better let me park my ass on your passenger seat five days a week. I'll pay for your diesel, or whatever sludge this Audi slugs."
"Just pay me with your company, sweetie."
"Oh, you are gonna make me cry."
The car leaves behind a futuristic building with a facade made out of pastel-colored panels, as well a pristine white Zenit hotel. I recognize the tower of a church because I saw it from the train this morning, so in a short while I'll have to extricate myself from Jacqueline.
"So, what do you do in the afternoons?" she asks.
"Oh, you know. Sometimes I imagine myself sitting at my coffee table and opening one of the board games that have gathered dust on my shelves, particularly those whose rules I've never learned."
"You are into board games, then? You play them alone?"
I sigh. I suspect that I should lie, but a suicidal instinct urges me to offer Jacqueline a peek into the abyss that my life has become. Maybe she can save me. Or maybe she can simply amuse herself until I totally lose it, jump off some roof and plunge to my death.
"I used to, years ago. Ever since I work as a programmer, by the time I get home I'm always so exhausted that I just lie around, usually on the couch or in bed, and browse the internet idly. Some days I pass out shortly after I allow myself to relax, and when I wake up, I cobble together some dinner, eat it as I watch YouTube videos, then I brush my teeth, masturbate and struggle to fall asleep."
Jacqueline chuckles as she turns the steering wheel to circle one of the central roundabouts of the city, that features an appropriately wasteful fountain. My blood has frozen. Why do I allow myself to speak? Why do I feel that I should share private information, only to want to punch myself in the face an instant after I have revealed it?
"W-why, how do you spend your afternoons?" I ask in a thin voice.
Jacqueline purses her lips as she looks up.
"For example, I'm meeting someone in a couple of hours."
"As in... a person?"
She covers her mouth as she laughs softly.
"Yes, Leire, a human being. What else would it be?"
"I don't know," I say wearily. "A horse, maybe."
"A horse, huh? Are you a fan of horses?"
I shake my head.
"I fucking despise them. They are ugly and disgusting and they stink to the point that they shouldn't exist on Earth anymore."
A terrible suspicion makes my ears prick up. I check through the rearview mirror if an animal that might resemble an equine is attached to the backseat of the car, but it seems I'm safe for now.
"Okay..." Jacqueline says dubitatively. "So yeah, I usually go out."
A droning noise is increasing in my ears as I feel my spine stiffening. A bus delays us, as well as the cars that were following us, because it needs to wait for another bus to drive out of a stop. I try to distract myself by looking out of the window, but we are close a four star hotel and to a couple dozen of strangers that are either sitting at the outside tables of a bar, or walking purposefully along the darkened sidewalk.
"I guess he's an attractive guy," I say in a monotone, "this person you are meeting tonight."
"Uh-huh. He's twenty four and works as an accountant at a law firm. He also has the body that befits someone rising in the ranks of semi-professional tennis."
She's driving through an intersection that passes by a decades-old palm tree. I recognize that wall that separates the sidewalk from the train tracks.
Jacqueline enjoys sex with many lovers who are willing to satisfy every one of her whims and fantasies. She's a sexpot who knows exactly what she's doing with that delectable body of hers. I bet that all of those men are well-adjusted and presentable, like the ones featured in the promotional videos that run in a loop on the screens of the train. I already knew this, so why do I feel this upsurge of anger that threatens to overwhelm my fragile sanity? Jacqueline hadn't deceived me; if anything, she went out of her way to console me. She didn't need to offer me a ride. Still, I've made the mistake of closing my eyes, and my mind is playing a vivid video of a tennis player ramming Jacqueline as she moans and begs him to fuck her harder. My mood has plummeted into somberness as if the sky had grown dark with clouds of doom.
Who would want to have anything to do with me? I don't. Why would anyone ever find me attractive when all they can see when they look at my pale, skinny self is a freakish creature covered in thick layers of filth, who suffers from mental illnesses and social ineptitude, with no future prospects, no hope, all alone in this cold world, with a defective reality masking a shattered soul?
"Here we are. Look! We have a free parking spot and everything," Jacqueline says as she pulls into a space reserved for taxis, in front of the Amara station. When she turns her head to bid me goodbye, her smile falls. "Are you crying?"
My throat has constricted. My heart pounds against the walls of my chest cavity, that feels like it's caving in on itself due to an accumulation of pain that won't let go of me no matter how much time passes.
"Just a couple of tears," I mumble.
I'm tightening my right fist, because I don't want to reach for the handle of the door with a trembling hand. Jacqueline cups my chin and turns my head towards her. I'm forced to stare into her cobalt blue eyes as she studies me inquisitively.
"You have a crush on me," Jacqueline says calmly.
I keep myself from blinking as I fumble with the handle of my door. Once I set my feet on the asphalt, I nearly trip.
"I-I have to take this train."
The thud of the door closing silences my coworker, who was moving her lips. I hurry into the crowded station.
---
Our boss left fifteen minutes ago, and the most magical moment for my coworkers has come: they finally get to escape from our mind-numbing routine. Jacqueline's computer has shut off when she slings her purse over her shoulder and looks down at me. I remain slumped in my chair, with my fingers poised over the keyboard.
"You are going to punish yourself by working overtime," she guesses.
Through this workday I've struggled with my unraveling mind, and I only performed half as well as I used to. I should finish enough of the work that has piled up, so tomorrow I can return with a clear conscience and a renewed will to work hard, to be a decent human being, to stop eating poorly, to have a meaningful life. But I stand up from my seat and stretch my neck.
"Fuck it. I'm going home."
"Fuck it, huh?" Jacqueline repeats as she smirks.
Once the three of us exit our office building together, I take a deep breath of cold air that feels like a glass of water in a parched stomach. The weight of the fatigue has settled over my shoulders, and my spine aches dully. Jacqueline and Jordi walk a bit further as I find myself staring at the slope that starts next to the opposite sidewalk, and that is occupied by vegetation that has grown profusely. I feel that the large clump of unkempt, moss green bushes is mocking me, the fool who will try to find an empty seat in a packed train so it will carry me to my dreary nest in my maggoty hometown.
Jacqueline has stopped next to her Audi, and she observes me as if to figure out why I'm spaced out. The setting sun is tinting her hair a rosy gold, casting shadows across her mature features. She's surrounded by a soothing aura of light fitting for such an ethereal, nurturing woman.
"You look like an angel," I blurt out.
Her face brightens up with a smile and a blush. I freeze. I look around to locate Jordi and bid him goodbye, mainly to detract weight from the dreamy voice with which I had complimented my female coworker, but the man has already disappeared.
Jacqueline steps closer. She has narrowed both her eyes and her shoulders as she buttons up her cardigan, giving her a cozy look.
"You are gonna have to walk all the way down to the Lugaritz station, right?"
"Well, yes."
"I'll drive you to Amara if you want. Not any further, though. I want to get home too."
I yearn to be inside Jacqueline, preferably headfirst, but sharing a confined space that belongs to her is an enticing start.
"I feel like I don't have the right to ask you that," I say controlling my tone, "but if you offer it, I can only thank you."
"Great. No need to be that formal, Leire. And hey, check this out."
She points at her fog grey Audi A4 Avant and presses a button on her key fob. A row of inclined bulbs lights up over the headlights, giving the car a futuristic touch. But I am used to my old, murderous car that I abandoned, so most vehicles would feel like a vast improvement.
"I'm thoroughly impressed," I say.
Jacqueline giggles as she opens the driver's door, then she gestures with a tilt of her head towards the passenger's side. Before she regrets having invited me in, I hurry to the opposite door and I crouch into the car. Once both doors are closed, Jacqueline and I adjust our seatbelts. I slide my work bag onto my lap and I lean back against the foam pads of my seat. A strange warmth spreads throughout my body as if a swarm of bees was buzzing around inside me, making my heart flutter with excitement and anxiety.
The interior smells of leather and plastic, with just a hint of perfume. The metallic-looking dashboard is lighted with blue and yellow lines and curves, and it features a touch screen for plenty of the driver's touching needs. I bet it provides a GPS system. I've always wanted to own a vehicle with one, but I never felt like I could afford it. How much did Jacqueline pay for this fancy ride, anyway?
As Jacqueline maneuvers out of the parking lot, I discover that a different screen behind the steering wheel displays the GPS system, and that a HUD on the windshield features a digital speedometer and a fuel gauge. How much did cars improve as I was sleepwalking my life away?
Jacqueline is circling the roundabout at the entrance of the business park when a feeling sinks in: I wish I was stuck in a time loop in which I did nothing else than sit on the passenger seat as this woman drove me around. Only I would know that we would never reach our destination.
We are speeding down the slope that this morning I had to trudge my way up.
"How about some music, huh?" Jacqueline asks.
After she presses a couple of buttons on the touch screen, the multimedia system plays one of those upbeat, popular songs that the radio station insists on replaying week after week, I guess because some executives are bribing them.
"I didn't have enough with listening to your preferred music at the office," I say jokingly, "so now these songs will have further opportunity to burrow into my brain."
Jacqueline laughs. The streets are darkening quick. Two mothers push their strollers as they leave the nearby playground.
"What, you don't like my music?"
"It's not fair to call it yours unless you've composed it or learned how to play it on an instrument. But anyway, do I really seem like the kind of person who would enjoy these rhythms, or lyrics?"
"I don't like to prejudge. But you never stated that you hate the music I put on the radio."
"Why, to start an argument? I could tolerate it enough, the same way a prisoner gets used to regular torture sessions."
"I did buy this car, you know, so I'll keep playing my music."
"Hey, I will endure it, but I assure you, it's the mindless joy of people who were driven crazy by a bad case of Stockholm Syndrome."
Jacqueline taps me on the arm with the back of her hand.
"What kind of music do you listen to at your leisure, then?"
I scratch my nape, embarrassed.
"Usually sad songs about how depressing and disappointing life is, I guess."
Jacqueline fixes her gaze on my face, but I pretend that I find the white, tower-like apartment buildings interesting.
"It's such a shame that you aren't happy," she says.
"I do feel full of shame. But... why would I be happy?" I ask sullenly. "I mean, realistically. When I think about what's out there that could produce such a fabled state in me, I can't come up with anything."
We leave behind the Lugaritz station as Jacqueline's car ascends the adjoined, sloped road. A young woman walking her dog stands aside on the narrow sidewalk so a cyclist can pass by.
"There's sex," Jacqueline says casually.
"Sure," I concede. "As long as you come across the right person. Otherwise you just add to the hill of humiliating memories."
"Also good music and movies, and maybe a few drinks every once in a while to loosen things up and get to know someone better. Or just a nice dinner with friends. Not to mention a big, soft bed to fall asleep in. Traveling too, depending on the destination. But we are making idle talk, aren't we?"
I seek Jacqueline's gaze to figure out what she meant. She glances meaningfully at me, then she focuses on the road again. We are passing through an isolated road that connects the outskirts with downtown Donostia. A wall of tall trees on both sides of the road has blackened our surroundings further, except for the hazy orange cones coming from streetlights.
"What I mean," Jacqueline adds, "is that we both know that some people are born with a smaller capacity for happiness than others due to their genes and similar accidents of fate. The truly cursed could own a mansion in a tropical island and spend their days lounging in the sun, but they'd still be miserable."
I wouldn't have expected those sentences to come out of my coworker's mouth. I lean against the headrest as a sad smile plays across my lips.
"That'd be me. I've always known it, so I stew in my own misery by my lonesome."
"Does that mean that we should give up and accept that our lives are destined for misery and unhappiness? Companionship and maybe love should help, at least a little."
"If I told myself fantastical stories that I'd love to believe, I may end up getting married, raising a bunch of kids and enduring all the noise and mess and chaos that comes with them. I'd be feeding and cleaning up and disciplining and worrying and fighting and making up. Finally I'd have to decide whether to stay or to break up, but after you push out a couple of kids, unless the other person fucks you over, would you want to become a single mom?"
"I would have welcomed being any kind of mom."
"I don't know, Jacqueline," I swallow a hot lump in my throat as an aching feeling settles in my guts. "I don't want to bother you with my opinions, anyway. You are inconvenienced enough by having to drive me around."
She had turned her face towards her window. We are passing through a winding tunnel with grimy, graffitied walls. Her hair, drawn back in a ponytail, glistens like polished ebony wood under candlelight.
I have bothered Jacqueline, that much I can tell. I'm used to rambling to myself, usually out loud, as long as nobody can hear me. I can't contain the flood of words once someone gives me permission to speak, and I always end up freaking them out although they thought they wanted my input, so I'll have to restrain myself.
We have exited the tunnel into one of those serene neighborhoods in the outskirts where the well-off settle in their nests, away from the hubbub of their fellow humans. The curved front of a tortilla brown apartment building peeps out from behind a rustic wall and a slope covered with motley trees. We have reentered Donostia, which means that my destination gets closer, and soon enough Jacqueline will tell me to get out of her car.
"I will get used to walking everywhere and taking the train to cover the distances that would kill me otherwise," I say anxiously, "including ascending the slope to our business park. From tomorrow I'll make the trip in the opposite direction so I can take the train at Lugaritz."
Jacqueline sighs, then she brushes a thin strand of raven black hair behind her ear.
"Why? How long will it take them to repair your car?"
"Uh... Nobody will reanimate it, because it's totaled."
"Totaled?!"
I witness Jacqueline's shocked expression for the first time, but she's forced to focus on the road again, because a long, downward slope heads straight into downtown Donostia. I read in her wide open eyes a silent question: "What did you do?" I can't blame her. For years I yearned to crash my Renault Laguna into a wall at full speed, but then I wouldn't have gotten to sit in Jacqueline's car, so close that she'd only have to reach out to slide her warm fingertips down my thighs.
I wave a hand dismissively.
"My car was a piece of shit anyway."
"Well, will the insurance pay for it?"
"It might if I had it," I admit sheepishly.
Jacqueline admonishes me with a look that makes me feel like a misbehaving girl who could hardly wait to make it up to mommy.
"Leire..."
I shift my weight in my seat as I swallow a nervous lump in my throat. A warm flush had burst in my abdomen, and it's threatening to flow down to my groin.
"What can I say?" I ask in a raspy voice. "I'm merely a helpless child in many respects."
Jacqueline reaches across the center console and takes hold of my left hand with her right one. Her skin is soft and smooth, with delicate veins that show through. At the end of her slender fingers, her nails are painted red with clear polish. Goosebumps rise on my covered arms as I face the concern in her blue eyes, that air of maternal affection. I need to take off my panties and fuck myself.
Jacqueline returns her right hand to the steering wheel.
"That's your personality, but you are far more capable than you give yourself credit."
My heart is beating faster, and I'm getting light-headed.
"I-I might also become a zombie before long, due to a mysterious disease of which nobody has heard but that it's slowly killing me with a variety of symptoms, such as nausea and vomiting and diarrhea and uncontrollable fits of hysterical laughter and a burning sensation that feels like someone is stabbing me with a red hot poker from within my chest cavity up to my brain."
"Sweetie, that doesn't sound like you should strain yourself walking down to the Lugaritz station five days a week. I'll keep driving you to Amara. I'm following my usual route anyway, and I enjoy talking to you."
"Thank you. I don't recall anyone ever saying that to me."
A view of bunched up houses has filled most of the horizon in front of us, as far as the vegetation allows me to see. I dreaded reaching the Amara station because I doubted Jacqueline would offer me a ride again, and I wouldn't muster up the courage to ask her. Was she joking, though? She can't possibly enjoy spending time with me.
"I'm also worried about anyone walking around after sunset," Jacqueline adds somberly, "with all the shit that's going on."
"You mean the rapid disintegration of this country, along with most of Europe?"
"I'm talking about the missing people, and the murders."
I blink repeatedly in confusion, which makes her chuckle.
"C'mon, don't tell me you didn't know!" Jacqueline says.
"I refuse to follow the news. I already struggle to contain my nausea."
She shakes her head and smiles at my reticence.
"Gist of it is, entire clans have been found massacred, and many other people have gone missing. I'm sure the police are pissed, because they look incompetent these days," Jacqueline states matter-of-factly as we pick up speed by noise barriers plastered with stickers of trees and birds of prey, I guess to prevent stupid birds from cracking their skulls by flying headfirst into the barriers.
I suspect that this delicious woman is taking advantage of my innocence, but I'll play along like a good little victim while she gets what she wants out of me.
"That sounds like a veritable murder spree. I would be fine though, as I doubt I belong to any clan, and I avoid trekking through the woods because I'm terrified of sasquatches. But you are right, I'm defenseless. You better let me park my ass on your passenger seat five days a week. I'll pay for your diesel, or whatever sludge this Audi slugs."
"Just pay me with your company, sweetie."
"Oh, you are gonna make me cry."
The car leaves behind a futuristic building with a facade made out of pastel-colored panels, as well a pristine white Zenit hotel. I recognize the tower of a church because I saw it from the train this morning, so in a short while I'll have to extricate myself from Jacqueline.
"So, what do you do in the afternoons?" she asks.
"Oh, you know. Sometimes I imagine myself sitting at my coffee table and opening one of the board games that have gathered dust on my shelves, particularly those whose rules I've never learned."
"You are into board games, then? You play them alone?"
I sigh. I suspect that I should lie, but a suicidal instinct urges me to offer Jacqueline a peek into the abyss that my life has become. Maybe she can save me. Or maybe she can simply amuse herself until I totally lose it, jump off some roof and plunge to my death.
"I used to, years ago. Ever since I work as a programmer, by the time I get home I'm always so exhausted that I just lie around, usually on the couch or in bed, and browse the internet idly. Some days I pass out shortly after I allow myself to relax, and when I wake up, I cobble together some dinner, eat it as I watch YouTube videos, then I brush my teeth, masturbate and struggle to fall asleep."
Jacqueline chuckles as she turns the steering wheel to circle one of the central roundabouts of the city, that features an appropriately wasteful fountain. My blood has frozen. Why do I allow myself to speak? Why do I feel that I should share private information, only to want to punch myself in the face an instant after I have revealed it?
"W-why, how do you spend your afternoons?" I ask in a thin voice.
Jacqueline purses her lips as she looks up.
"For example, I'm meeting someone in a couple of hours."
"As in... a person?"
She covers her mouth as she laughs softly.
"Yes, Leire, a human being. What else would it be?"
"I don't know," I say wearily. "A horse, maybe."
"A horse, huh? Are you a fan of horses?"
I shake my head.
"I fucking despise them. They are ugly and disgusting and they stink to the point that they shouldn't exist on Earth anymore."
A terrible suspicion makes my ears prick up. I check through the rearview mirror if an animal that might resemble an equine is attached to the backseat of the car, but it seems I'm safe for now.
"Okay..." Jacqueline says dubitatively. "So yeah, I usually go out."
A droning noise is increasing in my ears as I feel my spine stiffening. A bus delays us, as well as the cars that were following us, because it needs to wait for another bus to drive out of a stop. I try to distract myself by looking out of the window, but we are close a four star hotel and to a couple dozen of strangers that are either sitting at the outside tables of a bar, or walking purposefully along the darkened sidewalk.
"I guess he's an attractive guy," I say in a monotone, "this person you are meeting tonight."
"Uh-huh. He's twenty four and works as an accountant at a law firm. He also has the body that befits someone rising in the ranks of semi-professional tennis."
She's driving through an intersection that passes by a decades-old palm tree. I recognize that wall that separates the sidewalk from the train tracks.
Jacqueline enjoys sex with many lovers who are willing to satisfy every one of her whims and fantasies. She's a sexpot who knows exactly what she's doing with that delectable body of hers. I bet that all of those men are well-adjusted and presentable, like the ones featured in the promotional videos that run in a loop on the screens of the train. I already knew this, so why do I feel this upsurge of anger that threatens to overwhelm my fragile sanity? Jacqueline hadn't deceived me; if anything, she went out of her way to console me. She didn't need to offer me a ride. Still, I've made the mistake of closing my eyes, and my mind is playing a vivid video of a tennis player ramming Jacqueline as she moans and begs him to fuck her harder. My mood has plummeted into somberness as if the sky had grown dark with clouds of doom.
Who would want to have anything to do with me? I don't. Why would anyone ever find me attractive when all they can see when they look at my pale, skinny self is a freakish creature covered in thick layers of filth, who suffers from mental illnesses and social ineptitude, with no future prospects, no hope, all alone in this cold world, with a defective reality masking a shattered soul?
"Here we are. Look! We have a free parking spot and everything," Jacqueline says as she pulls into a space reserved for taxis, in front of the Amara station. When she turns her head to bid me goodbye, her smile falls. "Are you crying?"
My throat has constricted. My heart pounds against the walls of my chest cavity, that feels like it's caving in on itself due to an accumulation of pain that won't let go of me no matter how much time passes.
"Just a couple of tears," I mumble.
I'm tightening my right fist, because I don't want to reach for the handle of the door with a trembling hand. Jacqueline cups my chin and turns my head towards her. I'm forced to stare into her cobalt blue eyes as she studies me inquisitively.
"You have a crush on me," Jacqueline says calmly.
I keep myself from blinking as I fumble with the handle of my door. Once I set my feet on the asphalt, I nearly trip.
"I-I have to take this train."
The thud of the door closing silences my coworker, who was moving her lips. I hurry into the crowded station.
November 4, 2021
We're Fucked, Pt. 12 (Fiction)
Link to this part on my personal page, where it looks better
---
At eleven o'clock, I lift my sweaty hand from my mouse and I get up from my chair. I gulp, then turn to Jacqueline. Her perfume is a floral scent with a hint of spice and citrus that reminds me of a garden full of flowers and fruit trees. I hadn't intended to ogle at her now, but I'm in a vantage position to peer down the cleavage of her skater dress. That pink lace bra barely holds together the generous mounds of titflesh that are pushing against the cups of the garment. The day I'll end up standing on tiptoes and with a noose tightened around my neck while my heart pounds away violently, urged by my survival instincts to find reasons to keep living, the word 'breasts' will flash in my mind in capital bold letters. Tits are the symbol of power that I crave to possess, the source of strength that gives life when everything else fails. Their presence will ward off evil spirits that lurk outside of our shelters looking for a chance to invade them. If I let go of breasts, what would I have left to hold onto except for a life of loneliness and despair?
"Uh... Jacqueline," I say weakly, "I'm going to get a coffee. Do you want one too?"
She was absorbed in browsing external hard disks on Amazon, and when she gazes up at me and processes my offer, she seems pleasantly intrigued, because I had never offered to get her anything. Jacqueline rubs her lower lip with a fingertip as one corner of her mouth raises in a smile. Her eyes, two pools of blue ice floating above a mountain lake, sparkle while she looks at me from under her lashes. I wonder if she can sense the heat rising off my skin.
"Sure, sweetie," she answers softly with her voice dripping honey. "A latte."
As I turn to walk away, Jacqueline reaches for the sleeve of my sweater and pulls me back with a gentle tug.
"Leire, maybe Jordi wants a coffee as well?" she suggests with a coy little grin.
I blush crimson. I pivot towards my male coworker, whose existence I had forgotten until a couple of seconds ago. Our intern draws upon his deep reserves of patience and forbearance to deal with my awkward self.
"It's alright, Leire. I'm still running on the coffee I drank a couple of hours ago."
A few minutes later I'm warming my right hand with a steaming cappuccino while I witness how Jacqueline's pouty lips close around the rim of the plastic cup that I lovingly brought to her. When she opens her eyes, her pupils were turned my way. A jolt of electricity runs through my body. Jacqueline gives me a big smile, which accentuates her dimples. I fail to withstand her gaze as my heart beats fast, so I pretend that my work requires my undivided attention, which, to be fair, it does, as I'm struggling to program through my tasks. However, I want to watch Jacqueline surreptitiously through my peripheral vision. She keeps sipping the hot liquid that is slowly seeping into her tummy, making its way through the crevices of her fleshy anatomy. I should have drooled into her coffee.
That was a knowing smile Jacqueline threw my way, so she realizes how wet she can make me. I must be blushing in her presence like a little girl caught with a handful of candy bar wrappers. But someone stalked by a sentient horse can't be sure of anything, except that I need to relieve the burning sensation in my crotch.
I'm working on a failing unit test when I realize that my coworkers are stretching their legs, eager to breathe the cold October air instead of the stale atmosphere of this office that reeks of sweat and bad coffee. Somehow I have reached the lunch break without losing my mind.
I take a deep breath as my coworkers chat. A pair of feminine hands grabs my shoulders and rubs them briskly, in circular motions. The hair on my nape rises.
"Are you coming with us?" Jacqueline asks me from behind.
I'm about to shiver in pleasure at the touch of her fingers gliding across the flesh of my neck and shoulder blades through my sweater and shirt.
"I-I'd love you witness you two getting tipsier as you prattle about sex, but unfortunately I have to catch up on work."
I don't retain her answer. While my coworkers walk towards the entrance of our office, I try to admire Jacqueline's butt in the reflection of my monitor, but the tail of her cardigan hides her posterior. Once they're gone, I sigh heavily. Although I attempt to resume my task, waves of lust keep running down my spine. I'm both aroused and ashamed, as if I had just been caught diddling myself.
I slip away to the bathroom. Inside, I check that all the stalls are empty. I'm refreshing my face with cold water when a shadow falls over me, and I end up staring at Spike's bulging eyes in the smudged mirror. His huge, elongated head is blocking the fluorescent light. My eyes are drawn to the oval of pink flesh underneath the flaps of skin that cover the horse's groin. His stench reaches me, overwhelming my nostrils.
This piece of shit horse opens his drooling mouth to speak, but I interrupt him eagerly.
"It's the ladies bathroom, Spike. Then again, whoever castrated you also gave you a vagina, huh?"
I fail to push out a mocking chuckle. If anything, I fear that my eyes may overflow with tears. I have to remain strong, but I just want to cry and scream at the same time.
"Sorry for bothering you," Spike says.
"You couldn't be any further from sorry, freakshow. You're a hideous horsemanoid creature, a disgusting pile of bones and filth who eats human corpses and craps out garbage. Just shut your deformed muzzle before some random person walks in here. Why do you keep disappearing suddenly, anyway?"
Spike lifts his snout, which causes a long strand of drool to fall onto the tiles. His bulging forehead crinkles.
"It takes a sustained effort to maintain a stable reality and hold on to the illusion of a coherent world."
"Is that what happens when you devour people alive?"
I guess his explanation made sense. If I were a horse, it'd be impossible to get a good night's sleep. I'd dream of being chased or torn apart by wolves or other predators, or even worse, by an angry mob that screamed "Horsemeat! Horsemeat!" as they beat me to death with clubs or rakes. So understandably, horses prefer to stay hidden whenever possible. It's easier to live alone than to be constantly tormented by terrifying visions.
In any case, a wave of nausea is rising in my throat, and my temples are throbbing. I clutch at the sink as I swallow my foul-tasting saliva.
"You should take a shower every once in a while, you know?" I mutter.
"Everything is getting too confusing. Leire, you need to listen, because I'm trying to tell you something important."
I turn off the tap and rub my damp hands against each other. I hear footsteps approaching from the hallway.
"Well, you are doing a terrible job at it, and I couldn't possibly care about anything a stinky equine would want to tell me. I won't give you the opportunity for any of your cells to inject their genetic material into mine, if horses could be said to possess any form of DNA whatsoever. I won't let you eat my brain either, so there's no point talking to me, okay, Spike?"
A woman enters the restroom, but I lower my head and sneak away while the intruder opens a stall. I hurry towards my office as I hear Spike complaining in a high-pitched voice like a honking goose. He must be losing it from the irritation of having been left alone with his stench and vengeful thoughts.
---
At eleven o'clock, I lift my sweaty hand from my mouse and I get up from my chair. I gulp, then turn to Jacqueline. Her perfume is a floral scent with a hint of spice and citrus that reminds me of a garden full of flowers and fruit trees. I hadn't intended to ogle at her now, but I'm in a vantage position to peer down the cleavage of her skater dress. That pink lace bra barely holds together the generous mounds of titflesh that are pushing against the cups of the garment. The day I'll end up standing on tiptoes and with a noose tightened around my neck while my heart pounds away violently, urged by my survival instincts to find reasons to keep living, the word 'breasts' will flash in my mind in capital bold letters. Tits are the symbol of power that I crave to possess, the source of strength that gives life when everything else fails. Their presence will ward off evil spirits that lurk outside of our shelters looking for a chance to invade them. If I let go of breasts, what would I have left to hold onto except for a life of loneliness and despair?
"Uh... Jacqueline," I say weakly, "I'm going to get a coffee. Do you want one too?"
She was absorbed in browsing external hard disks on Amazon, and when she gazes up at me and processes my offer, she seems pleasantly intrigued, because I had never offered to get her anything. Jacqueline rubs her lower lip with a fingertip as one corner of her mouth raises in a smile. Her eyes, two pools of blue ice floating above a mountain lake, sparkle while she looks at me from under her lashes. I wonder if she can sense the heat rising off my skin.
"Sure, sweetie," she answers softly with her voice dripping honey. "A latte."
As I turn to walk away, Jacqueline reaches for the sleeve of my sweater and pulls me back with a gentle tug.
"Leire, maybe Jordi wants a coffee as well?" she suggests with a coy little grin.
I blush crimson. I pivot towards my male coworker, whose existence I had forgotten until a couple of seconds ago. Our intern draws upon his deep reserves of patience and forbearance to deal with my awkward self.
"It's alright, Leire. I'm still running on the coffee I drank a couple of hours ago."
A few minutes later I'm warming my right hand with a steaming cappuccino while I witness how Jacqueline's pouty lips close around the rim of the plastic cup that I lovingly brought to her. When she opens her eyes, her pupils were turned my way. A jolt of electricity runs through my body. Jacqueline gives me a big smile, which accentuates her dimples. I fail to withstand her gaze as my heart beats fast, so I pretend that my work requires my undivided attention, which, to be fair, it does, as I'm struggling to program through my tasks. However, I want to watch Jacqueline surreptitiously through my peripheral vision. She keeps sipping the hot liquid that is slowly seeping into her tummy, making its way through the crevices of her fleshy anatomy. I should have drooled into her coffee.
That was a knowing smile Jacqueline threw my way, so she realizes how wet she can make me. I must be blushing in her presence like a little girl caught with a handful of candy bar wrappers. But someone stalked by a sentient horse can't be sure of anything, except that I need to relieve the burning sensation in my crotch.
I'm working on a failing unit test when I realize that my coworkers are stretching their legs, eager to breathe the cold October air instead of the stale atmosphere of this office that reeks of sweat and bad coffee. Somehow I have reached the lunch break without losing my mind.
I take a deep breath as my coworkers chat. A pair of feminine hands grabs my shoulders and rubs them briskly, in circular motions. The hair on my nape rises.
"Are you coming with us?" Jacqueline asks me from behind.
I'm about to shiver in pleasure at the touch of her fingers gliding across the flesh of my neck and shoulder blades through my sweater and shirt.
"I-I'd love you witness you two getting tipsier as you prattle about sex, but unfortunately I have to catch up on work."
I don't retain her answer. While my coworkers walk towards the entrance of our office, I try to admire Jacqueline's butt in the reflection of my monitor, but the tail of her cardigan hides her posterior. Once they're gone, I sigh heavily. Although I attempt to resume my task, waves of lust keep running down my spine. I'm both aroused and ashamed, as if I had just been caught diddling myself.
I slip away to the bathroom. Inside, I check that all the stalls are empty. I'm refreshing my face with cold water when a shadow falls over me, and I end up staring at Spike's bulging eyes in the smudged mirror. His huge, elongated head is blocking the fluorescent light. My eyes are drawn to the oval of pink flesh underneath the flaps of skin that cover the horse's groin. His stench reaches me, overwhelming my nostrils.
This piece of shit horse opens his drooling mouth to speak, but I interrupt him eagerly.
"It's the ladies bathroom, Spike. Then again, whoever castrated you also gave you a vagina, huh?"
I fail to push out a mocking chuckle. If anything, I fear that my eyes may overflow with tears. I have to remain strong, but I just want to cry and scream at the same time.
"Sorry for bothering you," Spike says.
"You couldn't be any further from sorry, freakshow. You're a hideous horsemanoid creature, a disgusting pile of bones and filth who eats human corpses and craps out garbage. Just shut your deformed muzzle before some random person walks in here. Why do you keep disappearing suddenly, anyway?"
Spike lifts his snout, which causes a long strand of drool to fall onto the tiles. His bulging forehead crinkles.
"It takes a sustained effort to maintain a stable reality and hold on to the illusion of a coherent world."
"Is that what happens when you devour people alive?"
I guess his explanation made sense. If I were a horse, it'd be impossible to get a good night's sleep. I'd dream of being chased or torn apart by wolves or other predators, or even worse, by an angry mob that screamed "Horsemeat! Horsemeat!" as they beat me to death with clubs or rakes. So understandably, horses prefer to stay hidden whenever possible. It's easier to live alone than to be constantly tormented by terrifying visions.
In any case, a wave of nausea is rising in my throat, and my temples are throbbing. I clutch at the sink as I swallow my foul-tasting saliva.
"You should take a shower every once in a while, you know?" I mutter.
"Everything is getting too confusing. Leire, you need to listen, because I'm trying to tell you something important."
I turn off the tap and rub my damp hands against each other. I hear footsteps approaching from the hallway.
"Well, you are doing a terrible job at it, and I couldn't possibly care about anything a stinky equine would want to tell me. I won't give you the opportunity for any of your cells to inject their genetic material into mine, if horses could be said to possess any form of DNA whatsoever. I won't let you eat my brain either, so there's no point talking to me, okay, Spike?"
A woman enters the restroom, but I lower my head and sneak away while the intruder opens a stall. I hurry towards my office as I hear Spike complaining in a high-pitched voice like a honking goose. He must be losing it from the irritation of having been left alone with his stench and vengeful thoughts.
November 3, 2021
Guitar practice (03-11-2021)
I hadn't recorded myself playing the guitar in quite a while. Today was cold outside, and I didn't want to go out during a storm, so I stayed home and recorded this session. From now on I plan to upload the entire sessions as single YouTube videos.
Something went wrong when mixing the tracks, which hadn't happened to me before somehow, and some songs feature scratching. Unfortunately I had already deleted the originals, so nothing can be done. I had to remove one song because the scratching was too notorious. I hope it isn't that irritating.
In any case, it's me playing my guitar for around forty minutes. Warning: I also sing.
Link to the session: Guitar practice (03-11-2021)
Something went wrong when mixing the tracks, which hadn't happened to me before somehow, and some songs feature scratching. Unfortunately I had already deleted the originals, so nothing can be done. I had to remove one song because the scratching was too notorious. I hope it isn't that irritating.
In any case, it's me playing my guitar for around forty minutes. Warning: I also sing.
Link to the session: Guitar practice (03-11-2021)
xVASynth recites 'The Cleaning Crew'
I forced the fantastic, AI-based xVASynth to recite my minor poem 'The Cleaning Crew' with three different voices. I thought it came out quite well.
Link to the YouTube video.
Link to the original poem.
Link to the YouTube video.
Link to the original poem.
Revised: 'The Cleaning Crew'
Some time ago I rearranged all my poetry into three distinct books, and I've been going through the poems contained in the first of those books to revise them and expand them if possible. The idea is to format the books into ebooks so I can upload them to online retailers.
This time I handled my small poem 'The Cleaning Crew', in which for the most part I merely recounted what happened and what I thought about it. I started writing it that day, a couple of minutes after I returned from the bathroom.
Apart from updating the punctuation, it was a routine revision: remove a few words here and there, improve some of the remaining words, rearrange a few sentences.
Link to the updated poem: The Cleaning Crew
This time I handled my small poem 'The Cleaning Crew', in which for the most part I merely recounted what happened and what I thought about it. I started writing it that day, a couple of minutes after I returned from the bathroom.
Apart from updating the punctuation, it was a routine revision: remove a few words here and there, improve some of the remaining words, rearrange a few sentences.
Link to the updated poem: The Cleaning Crew
November 2, 2021
We're Fucked, Pt. 11 (Fiction)
Link to this part on my personal page, where it looks better
---
The morning light streaming through the two windows brightens further the frost white ceiling and walls of our office; and the row of three powder white storage cabinets, which contain binders that Jacqueline gets paid to fill with reports that nobody reads; and the porcelain white table where our assigned PCs face the same way, forcing my coworkers to sit so close that they could glance freely at my screen, so I have to worry in case I have opened a porn site absentmindedly. The floor is covered with a carpet that is faded, threadbare, and marred in several places with old food stains that are impossible to remove.
The sound of keyboard clattering serves as the drumline to the popular songs that the radio spews out. Near my empty workstation stands Spike the horse, balancing on his hind legs that tremble as if they were made of rubber. When he lifts his long, drooling face, he shrinks away from my disdainful gaze, but despite the sadness that oozes from his bulging, black eyes, this horse remains a vile creature who has no respect for anyone's dignity and should be exterminated with a shovel and gasoline and fire and whatever else is available, for daring to exist at all.
As I tramp to my chair, I gesture silently to Spike to move aside, but that's as much as I will acknowledge his presence at the office, because my coworkers can't see him. If they did, and knew about Spike's crimes against humanity, they would scream for me to destroy this horrible beast at once.
I sit at the desk as if it were an altar consecrated for worshiping some god or goddess responsible for making humans suffer every day. Although my ass cheeks just began to get squeezed against my seat, Jordi turns towards me and throws words my way.
"You really are unlucky, Leire."
I'm getting dizzy, partly because I have exhausted my feeble muscles and lungs ascending the slope to this business park, and also because of the heavy dose of anxiety that has been injected into my veins. I feel Spike standing close and sniffing my scent, breathing it deeply as if to inhale my thoughts straight off my mind. I can sense the horse's desperate longing for my body. Does he want to impregnate my womb so I produce a litter of horses? Would I end up giving birth to magical unicorns? Or is Spike simply seeking the pleasure of my soft flesh and the caresses of my sweaty hands upon his coarse coat?
I clear my throat as I wipe some sweat off my forehead.
"You mean in general?" I ask hoarsely. "Or do you specifically refer to this moment?"
Jordi pushes his glasses up his freckled nose as he offers me a patient smile that doesn't reach his eyes. As usual, his spotless white shirt is tucked inside his black pants, making him look like an angelic choirboy.
"Jacqueline told me that your car died, so you found yourself having to navigate the public transport system."
"Yeah, I know. The train was filled with people, too. It was like a war zone. But... my life is a battlefield, and I've decided to join the zombie army."
Jordi shrugs.
"Things have been calmer around here, thankfully. As your kouhai, I've taken the initiative to handle that ticket of yours about pushing data to a database via a RESTful API."
I never know what those Chinese words that Jordi keeps using mean, but as long as he does my job and I get paid, he may as well speak solely in Mandarin.
"You are saving my life," I say, then sigh. "Don't worry, I will be firing on all cylinders soon enough."
I switch on my computer. As soon as the monitor shows the motherboard logo, from my right, Jacqueline rolls her chair closer to mine and leans forward, placing a hand on my shoulder. I shiver at the touch of her palm that smells of soap, and I think of the horrors that might happen to my poor soul if she uses a finger to trace a pattern across my skin.
Jacqueline has tied up her glossy, raven black hair in a ponytail with a blue ribbon, and she's wearing a loose, fog grey cardigan over a wine red, low-cut skater dress. Her threateningly large breasts are encased by a lacy, pink bra that flatters them. I get a glimpse of her polyester, thigh-high boots that hug her long legs. My heart flutters. There goes my interest in focusing on my job.
"I have never seen you this pale, Leire," she says softly. "Take it easy today, alright?"
My brain is numb and inert as if someone had poured a bucket of cold water over my head, but I nod anyway as I stare at Jacqueline's beautiful face.
"I guess I'll take it as easy as I can while I work through my long list of tickets. But... how are you doing, Jacqueline?"
My question disconcerts her. I guess I never asked for her well-being. Her lips are slightly parted, revealing a hint of crepe pinkness at the corners. I wonder if her other labia sport the same coloration. I want to follow with my tongue the skin from her creamy neck down to the swell of her breasts.
"I'm fine as always, Leire," Jacqueline says appreciatively. "Just take a breather when you need to. Don't punish yourself."
After Jacqueline wheels her chair back to her workstation, I keep replaying her mellifluous voice in my head. But I must look pale for sure; a fear has built up in my stomach like a lump of coal churned into a mountain range of lava by a volcano god, because my boss is likely to reprimand me for my lateness.
I have barely checked out my assigned tasks in Service Manager and opened Visual Studio Code when I hear Ramsés say my name. He's standing at the doorway to his office. Today he chose his admiral blue suit and a spotted tie. As soon as our gazes connect, he beckons to me with his thick, hairy fingers, then he walks back into his cave.
I close my eyes and wish I was dead. After I take a deep breath, I stand up wearily and I shuffle to my boss' office. When I enter it, Ramsés is leaning against his mahogany desk, likely to rub his hard on through his pants at his leisure, but I'm dazed by a rancid stench that permeates this office. Did my boss fart up a storm before calling me in, as a humiliation tactic?
My boss sighs as he goes around his desk. He parks his ass on the expensive upholstery of his executive chair.
"Leire, please sit down."
I hold my breath while I eye him with suspicion, but I slowly lower myself onto the guest chair opposite his desk.
"Did you want something, sir?" I ask meekly.
Ramsés looks down at a stack of papers on his desk, then he wrings his hands together until he finally speaks with an air of authority and impatience.
"Let me put this out there: I don't believe your car broke down."
How dare he accuse me of lying? My blood boils at the audacity of that statement.
"Excuse me?"
Ramsés fixes his gaze on mine with a penetrating glare that makes me squirm uncomfortably.
"Yesterday you complained for the first time about the volume of work I assign you. The following day you arrive more than an hour late without notifying me that you wouldn't come in time. I have to assume this was part of a stratagem to prove how indispensable you are."
My mouth falls open as I stare dumbfounded at my boss. I shift my weight in the chair, but as I'm about to defend myself, a black mass peeks out from behind my boss' shoulder and wraps itself around his neck as if to strangle him. Ramsés fails to react. The hideous form writhes and contorts like it's stuck in viscous liquid. It has a grotesque head shaped like an upside-down bowl of spaghetti, and I make out a mouth full of jagged teeth like rows of broken glass. At the end of two vermiform appendages coming out of its head, two bulbous eyes gleam like black marbles. It reminds me of a deep sea creature.
From the thing's throat comes out a loud squelch, but I can't understand what it's saying, maybe because it's gargling on all those bubbles of thick mucus that keep dribbling from its lips.
I must have fallen into a trance as I gaped at the strange creature; my boss ends up repeating my name. As if he had spoken an incantation, the monster disappears from Ramsés' shoulder. Drops of sticky fluid that had dripped onto his desk vanish into thin air.
"Don't space out, Leire, please," Ramsés demands sternly. "Is this one of your defense mechanisms to avoid facing reality?"
His tone had shifted from annoyance to concern as he observed me. He scratches the side of his face, which is covered by a dark stubble.
My brain feels sluggish and dull. I can only nod as I try unsuccessfully to wipe away the sweat that is now running down my forehead. My temples throb painfully with every heartbeat.
"You have always been strange," Ramsés says, lowering his voice, "as expected with such a technically-minded woman, but in these last few months you've been... deteriorating."
His words cut my heart deeply, because he is correct. I try to smile to dismiss his assumptions, but I fear that my cheeks will tremble and tears will well up in my eyes.
"So what, you think I'm suffering from psychosis or schizophrenia?"
Ramsés shrugs, then shakes his head.
"I don't know. Are you? Those are heavy words. You are a good programmer, but I can't have you being erratic and inconsistent. You know what will happen if we can't deliver the contracts in time, the company will have to pay the penalty fee. If it gets bad enough, I won't be able to pay any of you."
"I get it, sir. I'll work hard."
Ramsés' voice deepens as he tries to convince his employee to do the right thing, and I can't help but tilt my chin down in a submissive gesture.
"You used to go above and beyond. I suppose you worked overtime partly because you had nothing else going on and you may as well earn some extra money. I was glad to pay you for it, but the most I can demand of you is to complete your tasks during the regular workday hours."
I can't force myself to lift my gaze. My shoulders droop, my eyes turn watery. Ramsés' chair creaks as he gets up and walks around his desk. His admiral blue pants fill half of my frame of vision, and then I feel his big hand around my right trapezius muscle. He squeezes it firmly. The smell of cigarettes wafts down to my nostrils.
I stiffen. My throat is dry. I bet this man was waiting for the opportunity to fondle me. I want to jerk my body away, because I know what comes next: he will pull down his zipper, and then he will stuff his fat cock down my throat. Maybe he's expecting me to give in willingly and reach out with both hands for his belt buckle, because I am a whore who loves swallowing every drop of salty juice from her lover's ballsack.
I'm paralyzed as I wait for my boss to grab hold of my neck, but instead he pats me on the back twice with his violating hand.
"Keeping a job must be hard for you, but whatever is going on, Leire, you need to straighten yourself up and be a proper adult."
My chest feels tight as my temples throb. First he rapes me, then he calls me a child? And what if I am? I never signed up to become an adult. If as a newborn I had understood what nightmares this life would have entailed, I would have crawled back into my mother's cunt.
I was never a proper human being. As a baby, my head looked like a boiled egg with a hole in the center that my parents had to feed by screwing a rubber dildo attached to a pump, which gave milk that tasted like a mixture of rotten eggs and vomit. I remember that alien cock clearly, it was bigger than a tree trunk with a snake's head on top that threatened to chomp on mine. The rest of my body was a collection of tubes and wires connected to machines that made weird noises. The doctor said that everything about me pointed towards a malfunctioning brain, so I got put under a magical spell that turned me into a walking corpse, which nobody could recognize as a person anymore. When the sun rose, my dead eyes showed me a horrid world that made me want to cry like a little girl even though I was a grown woman, because this dimension was a scary place full of monsters that could devour a person at a single bite, and there were no adults, just a bunch of children running around with their heads empty, screaming at each other while they played with knives, guns and bombs.
All of my actions have been guided by an overwhelming urge to escape from my trauma-filled past, and my life became an endless cycle of suffering, grief and self-destruction which caused my mind to crumble. My body at least used to function properly, but now I have been reduced to a twisted wreck of insanity.
I black out. The next thing I know, I'm shuffling out of my boss' office, barely able to focus my gaze ahead. My horse stalker was spying on me from the other side of the doorway, and he hobbles aside as I pass. Spike's nostrils flare like they're constantly filled with an unpleasant odor emanating from deep inside his throat, because his digestive organs are filled with a rancid sludge that stinks like rotten meat mixed with urine and vomit, all rolled into one nauseous concoction laced with sulfuric acid and a dash of ammonia, to make sure that no one could ever forget the stench that escapes out of the orifices of this horse-shaped monstrosity.
Spike lets out a drawn out groan that send shivers to my bone marrow, and causes me to cover my nose to block his breath. His hooves scrape against the carpet as he stumbles along trying to keep pace with me.
"Your blood flows through the veins and arteries of the people around you," the horse says gloomily. "It's a miracle that you can live among these human beings without going mad."
Spike wants to pretend that he understands me completely, although he's an inhuman abomination that eats people alive. I see his point, but I'd argue that I haven't been sane for as long as I can remember. In fact, if those around me found out my true nature, they would surely never forgive themselves for having been so blind to such a grisly reality.
---
The morning light streaming through the two windows brightens further the frost white ceiling and walls of our office; and the row of three powder white storage cabinets, which contain binders that Jacqueline gets paid to fill with reports that nobody reads; and the porcelain white table where our assigned PCs face the same way, forcing my coworkers to sit so close that they could glance freely at my screen, so I have to worry in case I have opened a porn site absentmindedly. The floor is covered with a carpet that is faded, threadbare, and marred in several places with old food stains that are impossible to remove.
The sound of keyboard clattering serves as the drumline to the popular songs that the radio spews out. Near my empty workstation stands Spike the horse, balancing on his hind legs that tremble as if they were made of rubber. When he lifts his long, drooling face, he shrinks away from my disdainful gaze, but despite the sadness that oozes from his bulging, black eyes, this horse remains a vile creature who has no respect for anyone's dignity and should be exterminated with a shovel and gasoline and fire and whatever else is available, for daring to exist at all.
As I tramp to my chair, I gesture silently to Spike to move aside, but that's as much as I will acknowledge his presence at the office, because my coworkers can't see him. If they did, and knew about Spike's crimes against humanity, they would scream for me to destroy this horrible beast at once.
I sit at the desk as if it were an altar consecrated for worshiping some god or goddess responsible for making humans suffer every day. Although my ass cheeks just began to get squeezed against my seat, Jordi turns towards me and throws words my way.
"You really are unlucky, Leire."
I'm getting dizzy, partly because I have exhausted my feeble muscles and lungs ascending the slope to this business park, and also because of the heavy dose of anxiety that has been injected into my veins. I feel Spike standing close and sniffing my scent, breathing it deeply as if to inhale my thoughts straight off my mind. I can sense the horse's desperate longing for my body. Does he want to impregnate my womb so I produce a litter of horses? Would I end up giving birth to magical unicorns? Or is Spike simply seeking the pleasure of my soft flesh and the caresses of my sweaty hands upon his coarse coat?
I clear my throat as I wipe some sweat off my forehead.
"You mean in general?" I ask hoarsely. "Or do you specifically refer to this moment?"
Jordi pushes his glasses up his freckled nose as he offers me a patient smile that doesn't reach his eyes. As usual, his spotless white shirt is tucked inside his black pants, making him look like an angelic choirboy.
"Jacqueline told me that your car died, so you found yourself having to navigate the public transport system."
"Yeah, I know. The train was filled with people, too. It was like a war zone. But... my life is a battlefield, and I've decided to join the zombie army."
Jordi shrugs.
"Things have been calmer around here, thankfully. As your kouhai, I've taken the initiative to handle that ticket of yours about pushing data to a database via a RESTful API."
I never know what those Chinese words that Jordi keeps using mean, but as long as he does my job and I get paid, he may as well speak solely in Mandarin.
"You are saving my life," I say, then sigh. "Don't worry, I will be firing on all cylinders soon enough."
I switch on my computer. As soon as the monitor shows the motherboard logo, from my right, Jacqueline rolls her chair closer to mine and leans forward, placing a hand on my shoulder. I shiver at the touch of her palm that smells of soap, and I think of the horrors that might happen to my poor soul if she uses a finger to trace a pattern across my skin.
Jacqueline has tied up her glossy, raven black hair in a ponytail with a blue ribbon, and she's wearing a loose, fog grey cardigan over a wine red, low-cut skater dress. Her threateningly large breasts are encased by a lacy, pink bra that flatters them. I get a glimpse of her polyester, thigh-high boots that hug her long legs. My heart flutters. There goes my interest in focusing on my job.
"I have never seen you this pale, Leire," she says softly. "Take it easy today, alright?"
My brain is numb and inert as if someone had poured a bucket of cold water over my head, but I nod anyway as I stare at Jacqueline's beautiful face.
"I guess I'll take it as easy as I can while I work through my long list of tickets. But... how are you doing, Jacqueline?"
My question disconcerts her. I guess I never asked for her well-being. Her lips are slightly parted, revealing a hint of crepe pinkness at the corners. I wonder if her other labia sport the same coloration. I want to follow with my tongue the skin from her creamy neck down to the swell of her breasts.
"I'm fine as always, Leire," Jacqueline says appreciatively. "Just take a breather when you need to. Don't punish yourself."
After Jacqueline wheels her chair back to her workstation, I keep replaying her mellifluous voice in my head. But I must look pale for sure; a fear has built up in my stomach like a lump of coal churned into a mountain range of lava by a volcano god, because my boss is likely to reprimand me for my lateness.
I have barely checked out my assigned tasks in Service Manager and opened Visual Studio Code when I hear Ramsés say my name. He's standing at the doorway to his office. Today he chose his admiral blue suit and a spotted tie. As soon as our gazes connect, he beckons to me with his thick, hairy fingers, then he walks back into his cave.
I close my eyes and wish I was dead. After I take a deep breath, I stand up wearily and I shuffle to my boss' office. When I enter it, Ramsés is leaning against his mahogany desk, likely to rub his hard on through his pants at his leisure, but I'm dazed by a rancid stench that permeates this office. Did my boss fart up a storm before calling me in, as a humiliation tactic?
My boss sighs as he goes around his desk. He parks his ass on the expensive upholstery of his executive chair.
"Leire, please sit down."
I hold my breath while I eye him with suspicion, but I slowly lower myself onto the guest chair opposite his desk.
"Did you want something, sir?" I ask meekly.
Ramsés looks down at a stack of papers on his desk, then he wrings his hands together until he finally speaks with an air of authority and impatience.
"Let me put this out there: I don't believe your car broke down."
How dare he accuse me of lying? My blood boils at the audacity of that statement.
"Excuse me?"
Ramsés fixes his gaze on mine with a penetrating glare that makes me squirm uncomfortably.
"Yesterday you complained for the first time about the volume of work I assign you. The following day you arrive more than an hour late without notifying me that you wouldn't come in time. I have to assume this was part of a stratagem to prove how indispensable you are."
My mouth falls open as I stare dumbfounded at my boss. I shift my weight in the chair, but as I'm about to defend myself, a black mass peeks out from behind my boss' shoulder and wraps itself around his neck as if to strangle him. Ramsés fails to react. The hideous form writhes and contorts like it's stuck in viscous liquid. It has a grotesque head shaped like an upside-down bowl of spaghetti, and I make out a mouth full of jagged teeth like rows of broken glass. At the end of two vermiform appendages coming out of its head, two bulbous eyes gleam like black marbles. It reminds me of a deep sea creature.
From the thing's throat comes out a loud squelch, but I can't understand what it's saying, maybe because it's gargling on all those bubbles of thick mucus that keep dribbling from its lips.
I must have fallen into a trance as I gaped at the strange creature; my boss ends up repeating my name. As if he had spoken an incantation, the monster disappears from Ramsés' shoulder. Drops of sticky fluid that had dripped onto his desk vanish into thin air.
"Don't space out, Leire, please," Ramsés demands sternly. "Is this one of your defense mechanisms to avoid facing reality?"
His tone had shifted from annoyance to concern as he observed me. He scratches the side of his face, which is covered by a dark stubble.
My brain feels sluggish and dull. I can only nod as I try unsuccessfully to wipe away the sweat that is now running down my forehead. My temples throb painfully with every heartbeat.
"You have always been strange," Ramsés says, lowering his voice, "as expected with such a technically-minded woman, but in these last few months you've been... deteriorating."
His words cut my heart deeply, because he is correct. I try to smile to dismiss his assumptions, but I fear that my cheeks will tremble and tears will well up in my eyes.
"So what, you think I'm suffering from psychosis or schizophrenia?"
Ramsés shrugs, then shakes his head.
"I don't know. Are you? Those are heavy words. You are a good programmer, but I can't have you being erratic and inconsistent. You know what will happen if we can't deliver the contracts in time, the company will have to pay the penalty fee. If it gets bad enough, I won't be able to pay any of you."
"I get it, sir. I'll work hard."
Ramsés' voice deepens as he tries to convince his employee to do the right thing, and I can't help but tilt my chin down in a submissive gesture.
"You used to go above and beyond. I suppose you worked overtime partly because you had nothing else going on and you may as well earn some extra money. I was glad to pay you for it, but the most I can demand of you is to complete your tasks during the regular workday hours."
I can't force myself to lift my gaze. My shoulders droop, my eyes turn watery. Ramsés' chair creaks as he gets up and walks around his desk. His admiral blue pants fill half of my frame of vision, and then I feel his big hand around my right trapezius muscle. He squeezes it firmly. The smell of cigarettes wafts down to my nostrils.
I stiffen. My throat is dry. I bet this man was waiting for the opportunity to fondle me. I want to jerk my body away, because I know what comes next: he will pull down his zipper, and then he will stuff his fat cock down my throat. Maybe he's expecting me to give in willingly and reach out with both hands for his belt buckle, because I am a whore who loves swallowing every drop of salty juice from her lover's ballsack.
I'm paralyzed as I wait for my boss to grab hold of my neck, but instead he pats me on the back twice with his violating hand.
"Keeping a job must be hard for you, but whatever is going on, Leire, you need to straighten yourself up and be a proper adult."
My chest feels tight as my temples throb. First he rapes me, then he calls me a child? And what if I am? I never signed up to become an adult. If as a newborn I had understood what nightmares this life would have entailed, I would have crawled back into my mother's cunt.
I was never a proper human being. As a baby, my head looked like a boiled egg with a hole in the center that my parents had to feed by screwing a rubber dildo attached to a pump, which gave milk that tasted like a mixture of rotten eggs and vomit. I remember that alien cock clearly, it was bigger than a tree trunk with a snake's head on top that threatened to chomp on mine. The rest of my body was a collection of tubes and wires connected to machines that made weird noises. The doctor said that everything about me pointed towards a malfunctioning brain, so I got put under a magical spell that turned me into a walking corpse, which nobody could recognize as a person anymore. When the sun rose, my dead eyes showed me a horrid world that made me want to cry like a little girl even though I was a grown woman, because this dimension was a scary place full of monsters that could devour a person at a single bite, and there were no adults, just a bunch of children running around with their heads empty, screaming at each other while they played with knives, guns and bombs.
All of my actions have been guided by an overwhelming urge to escape from my trauma-filled past, and my life became an endless cycle of suffering, grief and self-destruction which caused my mind to crumble. My body at least used to function properly, but now I have been reduced to a twisted wreck of insanity.
I black out. The next thing I know, I'm shuffling out of my boss' office, barely able to focus my gaze ahead. My horse stalker was spying on me from the other side of the doorway, and he hobbles aside as I pass. Spike's nostrils flare like they're constantly filled with an unpleasant odor emanating from deep inside his throat, because his digestive organs are filled with a rancid sludge that stinks like rotten meat mixed with urine and vomit, all rolled into one nauseous concoction laced with sulfuric acid and a dash of ammonia, to make sure that no one could ever forget the stench that escapes out of the orifices of this horse-shaped monstrosity.
Spike lets out a drawn out groan that send shivers to my bone marrow, and causes me to cover my nose to block his breath. His hooves scrape against the carpet as he stumbles along trying to keep pace with me.
"Your blood flows through the veins and arteries of the people around you," the horse says gloomily. "It's a miracle that you can live among these human beings without going mad."
Spike wants to pretend that he understands me completely, although he's an inhuman abomination that eats people alive. I see his point, but I'd argue that I haven't been sane for as long as I can remember. In fact, if those around me found out my true nature, they would surely never forgive themselves for having been so blind to such a grisly reality.
November 1, 2021
xVASynth recites 'A Pair of Old Dogs'
I used the fantastic AI-based program xVASynth to recite part of my poem 'A Pair of Old Dogs', about me taking a stroll after playing the guitar in the woods.
Link to the YouTube video.
Link to the rest of the poem.
Link to the YouTube video.
Link to the rest of the poem.
Revised: 'A Pair of Old Dogs'
Some time ago I arranged all my poetry into three distinct books, which in the future I intend to format into ebooks to upload them to online retailers, although nobody will buy them. I guess it serves as a distraction.
I have been going through the poems contained in the first of those books to revise them, update their punctuation (for some reason I used to think that I shouldn't use periods when writing poetry) and expand them if I see the opportunity.
This time I worked on my poem 'A Pair of Old Dogs', about me taking a stroll after playing the guitar in the woods. I only had to delete a few words, improve others, and of course update the punctuation. I think this is a nice little poem that works well.
Anyway, this is the link to the updated poem: A Pair of Old Dogs
I have been going through the poems contained in the first of those books to revise them, update their punctuation (for some reason I used to think that I shouldn't use periods when writing poetry) and expand them if I see the opportunity.
This time I worked on my poem 'A Pair of Old Dogs', about me taking a stroll after playing the guitar in the woods. I only had to delete a few words, improve others, and of course update the punctuation. I think this is a nice little poem that works well.
Anyway, this is the link to the updated poem: A Pair of Old Dogs
October 31, 2021
We're Fucked, Pt. 10 (Fiction)
Link for this part on my personal page, where it looks better
---
I boarded the Euskotren from Irún, so I managed to wangle one of the best seats available in any of the carriages: the individual one next to the corridor connection, which faces a row of three seats. Now that I've grabbed that seat, nobody can stand beside me, as I have a curved, plasticky wall on my left and an opaque glass divider on my right. But at this hour, the train quickly got crowded by a cross section of the workers and students of this province. Two women in their forties, dressed with conservative business attire, have taken the opportunity to get some shut eye in front of me, and the remaining seat got filled by a student who keeps scrolling on his phone.
I want to sleep, if only to disappear from my life for a few minutes, but my heart is pounding and my palms are sweating because I dread what awaits me at my office. For the first time since I became a wage slave all those years ago, I'll arrive late to work because of a horse that eats my dreams, and also because my car nearly killed me. I had feared that the poor excuse of a horse that stalks me would hinder me as I face the workday's challenges, but now I'm sure that my terrible mood will ruin my performance, although I was already slacking off. I keep picturing my boss' lascivious visage as he reprimands me for wasting his time and money with these shenanigans of mine, while he fondles his hard cock under the desk. Ramsés' eyes always seems so hungry when he stares at me with those serpentine black pupils. He's going to fire me and replace me with a young and obedient female employee, someone he can use like a sexual toy. Or else he'll force himself upon me in various positions, while he yells obscenities in my ear and I cry tears of shame and humiliation in full view of my coworkers. I shudder with disgust. How sick is that man to want to fuck a woman right next to her colleagues?! And why does he want to fuck me so badly anyway?!
Why can't the crowd shut up? Who would want to carry a conversation at this hour? Stop interrupting my thoughts! Be quiet for a minute, just a minute, so my brain can rest. Why must we talk all day long, filling our heads with nonsense? I bet they just want to hear themselves over the sound of the train's engine and the clatter of its wheels against the tracks beneath us. Their voices make me dizzy and nauseous, like they're speaking through an echo chamber that amplifies every word they utter and turns every syllable into an insult that stabs deep into my soul like knives made out of nails. Their brains rot in their skulls while their mouths spew filth into the air. What have they done to deserve to be born into this world, to live their pathetic lives in this miserable country with its shitty weather and its ugly people? Please, let this be over soon.
And those two female office workers sitting in front of me look so placid. Their minds must surely be drifting away into dreams of lovemaking, while mine is consumed with thoughts of a horse's obscene appendages that he so eagerly wants to stretch out towards me.
The train has passed Oiartzun, and again the view from the windows gets reduced to a succession of naked trees that have sprouted from the earth close to the tracks to expose their numerous, skeletal limbs like perverted alien abominations. Why can't nature shield its hideous appearance at least when I'm forced to stare at it to distract myself during such insufferable rides? Instead, I'm being assaulted by its ghastliness every passing second as this monstrosity of metal rumbles along.
When we stop at Errenteria's dreary station, with its graffiti suggestions for us to get out and for the fight to continue, the doors open and a bunch of people penetrate my carriage like an invading horde of zombies. Two Eastern European guys whose stocky builds and worn T-shirts and cargo pants suggest they work in construction, one of who sports a scar that bisects his left eyebrow, stare back at me as they pass by to find seats. My heart beats faster. Why the hell did they hold my gaze? What did I do to them? People always have to bother me even though I'm just sitting here, stewing in my misery. Just leave me alone, damn you!
They are gone. I shouldn't need to worry about those bastards anymore, and I have to focus on finding a way to survive the rest of the day. My stomach feels like somebody has stuffed a fistful of sand down there. I catch the student gazing over his phone towards my work bag, that I placed between my seat and the glass divider. Is he trying to steal my bag? I barely put anything in it, I mostly carry it around because it soothes me somehow. Why does however is in charge of trains in this country force me to share my ride with a thief? Then I hear the muffled sound of my chosen ringtone coming from my work bag. After I reach into my bag to hold my vibrating phone, I anticipate the embarrassment of having to open my mouth and speak surrounded by all these strangers.
When I find out who's calling, I nearly piss myself. It's Jacqueline. The insisting vibrations of her call are travelling down my forearm, straight towards my nether regions. What do I do? I'm too nervous to talk to Jacqueline, especially after she provided such a stupefying orgasm in the shower this morning. But if I don't take the call now, she might hang up and go away forever!
"H-hello...?" I say as I hold the phone against my ear.
I hear a muffled sigh on the other end of the line. I strain my ears to listen in on whatever she utters, hoping to retain every word.
"You know," Jacqueline starts, "I feared you wouldn't have answered, or that your phone would have been disconnected."
I could taste the concern in her voice. She thinks about me when I'm away. I exist.
"Why would you think something like that?" I ask her with a dry tone that evidences my anxiety.
Jacqueline chuckles.
"Because you aren't here? I'm used to seeing you sitting at your PC as I walk into our office every morning. So either you were sick today, or something much worse had happened. After you broke down in the bathroom..."
Jacqueline continues talking, but my gasp interrupts her.
"Wait, I don't want the others to find out about that!"
I spoke too loud, becoming one of those annoying assholes who bother the other commuters by forgetting they aren't sitting in their living room. A few stares land on my exposed skin, so I lower my head and cover half of my face with my free hand.
"I'm standing outside," Jacqueline says. "The dawn is about to break, so that should be nice. Did you wake up today only to start crying all alone?"
I lower my voice to defend myself.
"I'm not that pathetic. No, my shitty old car broke down, that's all. I've found myself having to rely on the train to reach our awkwardly situated business park, although I hadn't gotten on a train for years."
"But you didn't call the office to tell you were running late, did you?" she asks with a slight French accent that makes her sound charming and childish.
"R-right, people inform others when they will arrive late to things..."
Jacqueline laughs, and I become jealous of how natural and effortless it sounded.
"Yeah, I guess you wouldn't have called. So you are fine then? You're safe?"
"I'm fine, other than the fact that adult life is an unending nightmare of indentured servitude to pay for the debt I incurred when I was born."
Jacqueline giggles. I'm offended that she considers modern slavery a laughing matter, but I can almost see that gorgeous woman's smile through the phone speaker. Her laughter is infectious, and I would have laughed if my heart wasn't rotten after years of sadness and self-loathing.
"Alright, Leire. I'll see you soon, then?"
"Who knows what might happen on my way to the office. I can think of many disasters."
"Stop thinking of disasters, sweetie. Tell yourself that everything is going to be fine."
Jacqueline's voice is so warm and soothing that I'm inclined to do anything she demands.
"Because everything is guaranteed to be fine if I tell myself so?" I ask incredulously.
"Not at all. But it would lessen your anxiety, which would contribute to make you feel better. That's what's all about, isn't it? Being happy and feeling good while we are still alive?"
That sounds incorrect to me, but my chest is hot and tight, and my breath has become shallow, irregular. The hint of melancholy in her voice had told me that she had experienced some dark times. I wish we could keep talking for hours. Jacqueline blesses me with her attention; it gives me strength and courage to continue to function as a person. And I'd do anything for this woman to hold me in her arms again.
I can't tune out the conversations of nearby commuters, but I hide the legs of the three people who occupied the seats in front by covering both my eyes. I hunch over, resting my elbows on my knees. Jacqueline and I are alone in the office. She has stayed after hours at our workplace as an excuse to spend time in private with me. Or even better, she has invited me to her house, and she's about to excuse herself to put on more comfortable clothes as I sit on the edge of her bed.
"Hey, listen," I say softly, my lips brushing the phone. "Thank you again for caring for an annoying wreck like me. It means so much that you are looking out for my well-being. I-I want to repay you somehow, so..."
I can't come up with any way to repay her that doesn't involve me kneeling in front of her pussy. A few seconds later, Jacqueline remains quiet. I can't even hear her breathe. I open my eyes and find out that the train is speeding through a tunnel, so the call has dropped. Why does this damn province have to be so hilly?
But as I slump in the chair and I take a deep breath, my body quivers from Jacqueline's lingering presence. I close my eyes. For the rest of this journey, I'll lose myself in memories of our intimate moments together.
As soon as I get off the train at the underground station of Lugaritz, I'm surrounded by fresh young adults who likely attend the nearby college. They walk around while they hold their phones. Some of them stop and chat with each other about their classes.
An unpleasant feeling comes over me, and I start to sweat and shiver. The butter yellow panels that cover this station's walls, along with its bright fluorescent lights, remind me of looking into a fridge, and I'm one of the packaged products waiting on a shelf. When did I become someone's disposable article, meant to be thrown away when they no longer need me anymore?
The nearby humans likely smell my fear of them and consider it an invitation to attack and devour me. There is nowhere to run away to now that I have arrived at this place of horror. The smiles of these twenty year olds are full of malice, but they restrain themselves from touching me in case they catch something contagious.
As I stand on the sidewalk outside the station, a few minutes after sunrise, I look down the slope towards a peanut brown building that features two parallel, vertical constructions that resemble blocky smokestacks and that may house the elevators. The business park where I work is in that direction, but how do I reach it from here? I should have looked it up online at home, but that was a problem for future me to handle. I better start walking.
The clouds look like they are melting into the sky as they fly by fast. I trudge past modern-looking, white and grey apartment buildings, a roundabout, and tall office towers that make me feel tiny. The October sun shines brightly on my face through the trees. My eyes are already tired and sore, and my nose is runnier than normal. My nerves are jangling around inside my body like a chorus of impotent monkeys. Everything is a nuisance and a burden. Why do I bother, in general? Why struggle through this life? I wish it all could cease with the push of a button.
I thought I had gotten lost, but I recognize an upward slope that I have driven along five days a week since I started working at this job. The reclined sidewalk is adjoined to a park with freshly cut grass, and that contains a playground where a few housewives are already playing with their spawns. As always, the moms ignore my existence because I'm not their biological child.
I can't say I'm into kids, but that housewife life sounds like a dream come true. I would forget how this decaying world looks like at six in the morning, and a few hours later I would wake up, prepare myself a cup of coffee, and accompany my young child, whom I would have cursed with my anxiety and depression, down to the playground, where the kid would climb and slide while I would lie down on the soft, green lawn and let my mind drift away until I fell asleep. But I can't do that, because I need to reach my workplace, which is why I'm pushing myself forward and up this hill as my legs burn unpleasantly from the lack of exercise, and I have to steel myself for the remaining hours of the workday, during which I'll have to pretend that I'm a functional human being instead of an anxious wreck that wants to die.
Once I reach the plateau where they built the business park, I turn left and follow the sidewalk, passing by a wide variety of cars that are occupying all the available parking spaces close to the office blocks. The sun whitens the mirrorlike, wavy surface of the building that contains the restaurant to which Jacqueline had dragged me during a lunch break. Less than a minute later I'm staring at the boxy, salt white office building that contains my workplace and that was built to ruin my life.
As I hurry towards the entrance, a sudden movement in the row of multicolored garbage bins makes me stop. My body shudders at a sudden chill running through it as a wind blows from behind me. A dark mass is perched on the lid of the banana yellow bin. A second and a third mass slink up the sides of the bin to join the first entity. A fourth and a fifth mass follow suit. They are formed by a fluid substance that resembles tar. As if my eyesight was getting sharper, I can make out the shades that differentiate each entity as they coalesce to form one single black blob.
I stare at the mass as it shuffles in place as if breathing, and on the edge of my hearing I pick up sounds that resemble whimpers of pain and anguish as the creatures melt into a lump of putrid, foul-smelling sludge of despair.
Whatever. I continue on my way to find out what horrors await at the office today.
---
I boarded the Euskotren from Irún, so I managed to wangle one of the best seats available in any of the carriages: the individual one next to the corridor connection, which faces a row of three seats. Now that I've grabbed that seat, nobody can stand beside me, as I have a curved, plasticky wall on my left and an opaque glass divider on my right. But at this hour, the train quickly got crowded by a cross section of the workers and students of this province. Two women in their forties, dressed with conservative business attire, have taken the opportunity to get some shut eye in front of me, and the remaining seat got filled by a student who keeps scrolling on his phone.
I want to sleep, if only to disappear from my life for a few minutes, but my heart is pounding and my palms are sweating because I dread what awaits me at my office. For the first time since I became a wage slave all those years ago, I'll arrive late to work because of a horse that eats my dreams, and also because my car nearly killed me. I had feared that the poor excuse of a horse that stalks me would hinder me as I face the workday's challenges, but now I'm sure that my terrible mood will ruin my performance, although I was already slacking off. I keep picturing my boss' lascivious visage as he reprimands me for wasting his time and money with these shenanigans of mine, while he fondles his hard cock under the desk. Ramsés' eyes always seems so hungry when he stares at me with those serpentine black pupils. He's going to fire me and replace me with a young and obedient female employee, someone he can use like a sexual toy. Or else he'll force himself upon me in various positions, while he yells obscenities in my ear and I cry tears of shame and humiliation in full view of my coworkers. I shudder with disgust. How sick is that man to want to fuck a woman right next to her colleagues?! And why does he want to fuck me so badly anyway?!
Why can't the crowd shut up? Who would want to carry a conversation at this hour? Stop interrupting my thoughts! Be quiet for a minute, just a minute, so my brain can rest. Why must we talk all day long, filling our heads with nonsense? I bet they just want to hear themselves over the sound of the train's engine and the clatter of its wheels against the tracks beneath us. Their voices make me dizzy and nauseous, like they're speaking through an echo chamber that amplifies every word they utter and turns every syllable into an insult that stabs deep into my soul like knives made out of nails. Their brains rot in their skulls while their mouths spew filth into the air. What have they done to deserve to be born into this world, to live their pathetic lives in this miserable country with its shitty weather and its ugly people? Please, let this be over soon.
And those two female office workers sitting in front of me look so placid. Their minds must surely be drifting away into dreams of lovemaking, while mine is consumed with thoughts of a horse's obscene appendages that he so eagerly wants to stretch out towards me.
The train has passed Oiartzun, and again the view from the windows gets reduced to a succession of naked trees that have sprouted from the earth close to the tracks to expose their numerous, skeletal limbs like perverted alien abominations. Why can't nature shield its hideous appearance at least when I'm forced to stare at it to distract myself during such insufferable rides? Instead, I'm being assaulted by its ghastliness every passing second as this monstrosity of metal rumbles along.
When we stop at Errenteria's dreary station, with its graffiti suggestions for us to get out and for the fight to continue, the doors open and a bunch of people penetrate my carriage like an invading horde of zombies. Two Eastern European guys whose stocky builds and worn T-shirts and cargo pants suggest they work in construction, one of who sports a scar that bisects his left eyebrow, stare back at me as they pass by to find seats. My heart beats faster. Why the hell did they hold my gaze? What did I do to them? People always have to bother me even though I'm just sitting here, stewing in my misery. Just leave me alone, damn you!
They are gone. I shouldn't need to worry about those bastards anymore, and I have to focus on finding a way to survive the rest of the day. My stomach feels like somebody has stuffed a fistful of sand down there. I catch the student gazing over his phone towards my work bag, that I placed between my seat and the glass divider. Is he trying to steal my bag? I barely put anything in it, I mostly carry it around because it soothes me somehow. Why does however is in charge of trains in this country force me to share my ride with a thief? Then I hear the muffled sound of my chosen ringtone coming from my work bag. After I reach into my bag to hold my vibrating phone, I anticipate the embarrassment of having to open my mouth and speak surrounded by all these strangers.
When I find out who's calling, I nearly piss myself. It's Jacqueline. The insisting vibrations of her call are travelling down my forearm, straight towards my nether regions. What do I do? I'm too nervous to talk to Jacqueline, especially after she provided such a stupefying orgasm in the shower this morning. But if I don't take the call now, she might hang up and go away forever!
"H-hello...?" I say as I hold the phone against my ear.
I hear a muffled sigh on the other end of the line. I strain my ears to listen in on whatever she utters, hoping to retain every word.
"You know," Jacqueline starts, "I feared you wouldn't have answered, or that your phone would have been disconnected."
I could taste the concern in her voice. She thinks about me when I'm away. I exist.
"Why would you think something like that?" I ask her with a dry tone that evidences my anxiety.
Jacqueline chuckles.
"Because you aren't here? I'm used to seeing you sitting at your PC as I walk into our office every morning. So either you were sick today, or something much worse had happened. After you broke down in the bathroom..."
Jacqueline continues talking, but my gasp interrupts her.
"Wait, I don't want the others to find out about that!"
I spoke too loud, becoming one of those annoying assholes who bother the other commuters by forgetting they aren't sitting in their living room. A few stares land on my exposed skin, so I lower my head and cover half of my face with my free hand.
"I'm standing outside," Jacqueline says. "The dawn is about to break, so that should be nice. Did you wake up today only to start crying all alone?"
I lower my voice to defend myself.
"I'm not that pathetic. No, my shitty old car broke down, that's all. I've found myself having to rely on the train to reach our awkwardly situated business park, although I hadn't gotten on a train for years."
"But you didn't call the office to tell you were running late, did you?" she asks with a slight French accent that makes her sound charming and childish.
"R-right, people inform others when they will arrive late to things..."
Jacqueline laughs, and I become jealous of how natural and effortless it sounded.
"Yeah, I guess you wouldn't have called. So you are fine then? You're safe?"
"I'm fine, other than the fact that adult life is an unending nightmare of indentured servitude to pay for the debt I incurred when I was born."
Jacqueline giggles. I'm offended that she considers modern slavery a laughing matter, but I can almost see that gorgeous woman's smile through the phone speaker. Her laughter is infectious, and I would have laughed if my heart wasn't rotten after years of sadness and self-loathing.
"Alright, Leire. I'll see you soon, then?"
"Who knows what might happen on my way to the office. I can think of many disasters."
"Stop thinking of disasters, sweetie. Tell yourself that everything is going to be fine."
Jacqueline's voice is so warm and soothing that I'm inclined to do anything she demands.
"Because everything is guaranteed to be fine if I tell myself so?" I ask incredulously.
"Not at all. But it would lessen your anxiety, which would contribute to make you feel better. That's what's all about, isn't it? Being happy and feeling good while we are still alive?"
That sounds incorrect to me, but my chest is hot and tight, and my breath has become shallow, irregular. The hint of melancholy in her voice had told me that she had experienced some dark times. I wish we could keep talking for hours. Jacqueline blesses me with her attention; it gives me strength and courage to continue to function as a person. And I'd do anything for this woman to hold me in her arms again.
I can't tune out the conversations of nearby commuters, but I hide the legs of the three people who occupied the seats in front by covering both my eyes. I hunch over, resting my elbows on my knees. Jacqueline and I are alone in the office. She has stayed after hours at our workplace as an excuse to spend time in private with me. Or even better, she has invited me to her house, and she's about to excuse herself to put on more comfortable clothes as I sit on the edge of her bed.
"Hey, listen," I say softly, my lips brushing the phone. "Thank you again for caring for an annoying wreck like me. It means so much that you are looking out for my well-being. I-I want to repay you somehow, so..."
I can't come up with any way to repay her that doesn't involve me kneeling in front of her pussy. A few seconds later, Jacqueline remains quiet. I can't even hear her breathe. I open my eyes and find out that the train is speeding through a tunnel, so the call has dropped. Why does this damn province have to be so hilly?
But as I slump in the chair and I take a deep breath, my body quivers from Jacqueline's lingering presence. I close my eyes. For the rest of this journey, I'll lose myself in memories of our intimate moments together.
As soon as I get off the train at the underground station of Lugaritz, I'm surrounded by fresh young adults who likely attend the nearby college. They walk around while they hold their phones. Some of them stop and chat with each other about their classes.
An unpleasant feeling comes over me, and I start to sweat and shiver. The butter yellow panels that cover this station's walls, along with its bright fluorescent lights, remind me of looking into a fridge, and I'm one of the packaged products waiting on a shelf. When did I become someone's disposable article, meant to be thrown away when they no longer need me anymore?
The nearby humans likely smell my fear of them and consider it an invitation to attack and devour me. There is nowhere to run away to now that I have arrived at this place of horror. The smiles of these twenty year olds are full of malice, but they restrain themselves from touching me in case they catch something contagious.
As I stand on the sidewalk outside the station, a few minutes after sunrise, I look down the slope towards a peanut brown building that features two parallel, vertical constructions that resemble blocky smokestacks and that may house the elevators. The business park where I work is in that direction, but how do I reach it from here? I should have looked it up online at home, but that was a problem for future me to handle. I better start walking.
The clouds look like they are melting into the sky as they fly by fast. I trudge past modern-looking, white and grey apartment buildings, a roundabout, and tall office towers that make me feel tiny. The October sun shines brightly on my face through the trees. My eyes are already tired and sore, and my nose is runnier than normal. My nerves are jangling around inside my body like a chorus of impotent monkeys. Everything is a nuisance and a burden. Why do I bother, in general? Why struggle through this life? I wish it all could cease with the push of a button.
I thought I had gotten lost, but I recognize an upward slope that I have driven along five days a week since I started working at this job. The reclined sidewalk is adjoined to a park with freshly cut grass, and that contains a playground where a few housewives are already playing with their spawns. As always, the moms ignore my existence because I'm not their biological child.
I can't say I'm into kids, but that housewife life sounds like a dream come true. I would forget how this decaying world looks like at six in the morning, and a few hours later I would wake up, prepare myself a cup of coffee, and accompany my young child, whom I would have cursed with my anxiety and depression, down to the playground, where the kid would climb and slide while I would lie down on the soft, green lawn and let my mind drift away until I fell asleep. But I can't do that, because I need to reach my workplace, which is why I'm pushing myself forward and up this hill as my legs burn unpleasantly from the lack of exercise, and I have to steel myself for the remaining hours of the workday, during which I'll have to pretend that I'm a functional human being instead of an anxious wreck that wants to die.
Once I reach the plateau where they built the business park, I turn left and follow the sidewalk, passing by a wide variety of cars that are occupying all the available parking spaces close to the office blocks. The sun whitens the mirrorlike, wavy surface of the building that contains the restaurant to which Jacqueline had dragged me during a lunch break. Less than a minute later I'm staring at the boxy, salt white office building that contains my workplace and that was built to ruin my life.
As I hurry towards the entrance, a sudden movement in the row of multicolored garbage bins makes me stop. My body shudders at a sudden chill running through it as a wind blows from behind me. A dark mass is perched on the lid of the banana yellow bin. A second and a third mass slink up the sides of the bin to join the first entity. A fourth and a fifth mass follow suit. They are formed by a fluid substance that resembles tar. As if my eyesight was getting sharper, I can make out the shades that differentiate each entity as they coalesce to form one single black blob.
I stare at the mass as it shuffles in place as if breathing, and on the edge of my hearing I pick up sounds that resemble whimpers of pain and anguish as the creatures melt into a lump of putrid, foul-smelling sludge of despair.
Whatever. I continue on my way to find out what horrors await at the office today.
October 30, 2021
xVASynth recites 'I Was Born a Unicorn'
I forced the fantastic AI-based program xVASynth to recite part of my free verse poem 'I Was Born a Unicorn', about me finding out that I was high-functioning autistic.
Link for the YouTube video.
In comparison with the previous voice I had to rein in for my ongoing novel/novella or whatever it is, this recording came out quite good.
Link for the rest of the poem.
Link for the YouTube video.
In comparison with the previous voice I had to rein in for my ongoing novel/novella or whatever it is, this recording came out quite good.
Link for the rest of the poem.
