Stephen B. Bagley's Blog, page 14

"The Fine Art of SIghing"

My old computer died. You would have thought I lost a beloved pet by the way I moped around my house for a couple of weeks. During that time, my answer to any question was a sigh of despair with a hint of brave long-suffering and a touch of woe-is-me. It was one of my finest series of sighs.

Not that I’m the master of sighing. No, that title belongs to my brother. He can create sighs that are the verbal equivalent of the Mona Lisa. For some unaccountable reason, I am the cause of many of his sighs, and I can tell you they are capable of making strong men weep or at least check to see if the tires of their cars are leaking. His sighs convey the overall theme of “my brother is nuts and why am I burdened with him” with layers of such emotions as “life is a mystery of sadness and joy” and “geese fly south in the winter as the year moves toward its end.”

From Floozy Comes Back available July 30. Copyright 2018 by Stephen B. Bagley. All rights reserved.

"To A Fault"

Whenever something terrible happens, you should always ask yourself, “Is Stephen okay?” If so, then it’s not that terrible. At least not for me, and I’m sure we all agree that’s what’s really important. Naturally, I’m concerned about you, too, and will do anything to help you—as long as I’m not greatly inconvenienced or busy or my favorite shows aren’t on TV. I have to have priorities, which I know you understand because I’m such a high priority for you.

To a judgmental person, it might possibly sound like I’m self absorbed, but let’s be honest, if you were as awesome as me—if that were even possible, and frankly, it’s not—you’d be self-absorbed, too. I’m definitely marvelous. People are fascinated by me, particularly doctors who want to study me in a specially controlled environment.

From Floozy Comes Back available July 30. Copyright 2018 by Stephen B. Bagley. All rights reserved.

"Those Whom Gods Would Destroy…Publish First"

It recently occurred to me that people do foolish things all the time. Even now someone is thinking about running for president, which is doubly silly since no sane person wants that job and the next presidential election has already been decided by our alien overlords. But be that as it may, I was thinking about those people who wake up one day and say, “I’d like to publish a book!” And even though that only leads to madness and worse, off they go.

I speak from experience. I’m in the middle of publishing a book right now. It’s been nearly three years since my last publication, mostly because it took me that long to recover. However, my creditors were hounding me again, and I embarked on another publishing voyage somewhat similar to that undertaken by the Titanic, but more tragic since it involves me.

From Floozy Comes Back available July 30. Copyright 2018 by Stephen B. Bagley. All rights reserved.

"Je ne parle pas Français!*"

I keep trying to learn French even though it’s obvious I will never master it with enough expertise to not horrify a Frenchman. I once had dinner in a French restaurant and attempted to impress the waiter with my French. With an expression on his face like he had a severe case of constipation, he attempted to repeat my order to me in bad English while I attempted to correct him in bad French. I would have gone hungry except the menu had pictures on it, so I was able to point at items and received excellent food. I’m not sure what it was, but it used a lot of garlic, cream, and butter, and how could you go wrong with that?

I don’t even know why I want to learn French. I have no particular desire to travel to France, although it seems lovely and they did give us the Statue of Liberty, which is much nicer than a gift card but not as easy to carry.

From Floozy Comes Back available July 30. Copyright 2018 by Stephen B. Bagley. All rights reserved.

From "Floozy Comes Back"

Hamlet or Another Four Hours I Won’t Get Back

You all know Hamlet by William Shakespeare is one of the greatest plays ever written. If you didn’t know, now you do, and you can go to bed knowing you learned one thing today.

You may be surprised to also learn I am not a fan of the play. Oh, I recognize the genius of it, and it has one of the most famous and moving soliloquies ever written (To be or not to be....) but frankly it doesn’t have a role for Dolly Parton, and I don’t like plays that preclude the chance of casting her.

From Floozy Comes Back available July 30. Copyright 2018 by Stephen B. Bagley. All rights reserved.

From "Floozy Comes Back"

What Did You Say?

I’ve been accused of not paying attention more than once in my life. By teachers, parents, siblings, girlfriends, friends who are girls, just plain friends, fellow employees, teammates, etc., and who say I’m the poster child for Adult Attention Deficit Syndrome. I think it’s time to explain this once and for all—if I’m not paying attention, it’s because you’re not being interesting. If you’d step up your game, I’d be with you more.

From Floozy Comes Back available July 30. Copyright 2018 by Stephen B. Bagley. All rights reserved.

From "Floozy Comes Back"

My Fitness Goal—and, Yes, I DO Have One

        At the gym—yes, I was at the gym; that shocked expression doesn’t look good on you—I was asked what my fitness goal was. And I answered promptly, “I want to be one of those obnoxious skinny people.” You know the ones I mean: they eat like starving pigs, but they never gain weight. In fact, they are so used to their incredible metabolism that burns fat like a Congressman spends money that they are baffled by people who are overweight.

From Floozy Comes Back available July 30. Copyright 2018 by Stephen B. Bagley. All rights reserved.

"What Are You Reading?"

Enjoy this new anthology from the Prosateurs! Inside its covers, you'll find short stories, recipes, humor, articles, memoirs, and more!
Purchase on Amazon here!Purchase on Barnes & Noble here!Purchase on BooksAMillion here!Purchase on Lulu here!

"Country Life"

Enjoy this new anthology from the Prosateurs! Inside its covers, you'll find short stories, recipes, humor, articles, memoirs, and more!
Purchase on Amazon here!Purchase on Barnes & Noble here!Purchase on BooksAMillion here!Purchase on Lulu here!

"Unexpected"

Enjoy this new anthology from the Prosateurs! Inside its covers, you'll find short stories, recipes, humor, articles, memoirs, and more!
Purchase on Amazon here!Purchase on Barnes & Noble here!Purchase on BooksAMillion here!Purchase on Lulu here!