Stephen B. Bagley's Blog, page 13

"Attack of the Flying Tapeworm"

A friend of mine got her first tattoo recently. She had wanted one for years, she told me, and she finally took the plunge. (Plunge being an apt word choice in this instance, as you will see if you keep reading and why wouldn’t you? It’s not like you have much of a social life.)

She wanted something “tasteful but cheerful.” She found an illustration of those charming but theologically unsound cherubs painted by the Renaissance artist Raphael and decided one of those cute winged angels would permanently fly on her left shoulder. She priced various tattoo artists and located one with the lowest prices. His establishment was clean, and he was courteous and professional.

All in all, an unremarkable event, except she probably should have found an artist who charged more.

Read more in Floozy Comes Back available now. Copyright 2018 by Stephen B. Bagley. All rights reserved.

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"Way Too Hot"

I’ve always enjoyed warm weather. Bright sunshiny days lift my spirits and inspire me to break into happy songs, although I try to not do that at funerals or in court—anymore—because I’ve been told it’s disruptive.

However, we’re experiencing a run of hot weather here in Oklahoma that has daunted even me. Going outside and hearing your sweat sizzle can take the spring out of anyone’s step. And if you’re heavy like me, you soon realize that you have enough fat on you to fry yourself if you’re not careful. You would only need to add sides of mashed potatoes and collard greens to make a meal fit for any southern cannibal king.

Read more in Floozy Comes Back available now. Copyright 2018 by Stephen B. Bagley. All rights reserved.

Buy at AmazonBuy at Barnes & NobleBuy at LuluBuy at BooksAMillion

"Catchy Tune, but Can You Cuss to It?"

The other day I heard a song on the radio. It had a catchy beat and noises that vaguely sounded like words. I liked it—right up until I got home and looked up the lyrics. Then I hunted down the singers, washed their dirty mouths out with lye soap, enrolled the boys in military school, and sent the girl singer to a nunnery. Then I shot their record producer and dropped his body in an alligator-filled swamp. Just a regular Saturday for me actually.

I think this means I am officially old and not in tune with modern music. In fact, I’m only a few years away from sitting on my porch and yelling for the neighbor kids to get off my lawn, those young snotfaces with their iPhone this and iPad that. They’re going to be mighty surprised when my iCane impacts their smart-alecky heads. They’ll probably run home crying, “iHurt! iHurt! iHurt!” Whiners. Or more correctly iWhiners.

Read more in Floozy Comes Back available now. Copyright 2018 by Stephen B. Bagley. All rights reserved.

Buy at AmazonBuy at Barnes & NobleBuy at LuluBuy at BooksAMillion

Enjoy!

Enjoy this collection of wild and wacky tales, including: Spice Boy, A Tale of Two Goldfish, Tanning My Hide, Kindle the Barbarian, The Fine Art of Sighing, Pumpkin Pinterest, Mr. Manners Speaks, Much Ado About Carbs, Congress & Other Monstrous Things, Work in Your Underwear, The Terrible Truth About Women,and many more in Floozy Comes Back!
Buy at AmazonBuy at Barnes & NobleBuy at LuluBuy at BooksAMillion

Floozy takes Barnes and Noble!

For reasons that surpass my understanding, Barnes and Noble has launched Floozy Comes Back today! I didn't even know she was back in the States!

Here's the link: Floozy takes Barnes and Noble!

"Catchy Tune, but Can You Cuss to It?"

The other day I heard a song on the radio. It had a catchy beat and noises that vaguely sounded like words. I liked it—right up until I got home and looked up the lyrics. Then I hunted down the singers, washed their dirty mouths out with lye soap, enrolled the boys in military school, and sent the girl singer to a nunnery. Then I shot their record producer and dropped his body in an alligator-filled swamp. Just a regular Saturday for me actually.

I think this means I am officially old and not in tune with modern music. In fact, I’m only a few years away from sitting on my porch and yelling for the neighbor kids to get off my lawn, those young snotfaces with their iPhone this and iPad that. They’re going to be mighty surprised when my iCane impacts their smart-alecky heads. They’ll probably run home crying, “iHurt! iHurt! iHurt!” Whiners. Or more correctly iWhiners.

From Floozy Comes Back available July 30. Copyright 2018 by Stephen B. Bagley. All rights reserved.

Travels with Floozy

Okay, I really haven't been jealous of Floozy's world travels until now. Isn't this lovely? She's visiting the beautiful Lake Louise located in the Banff National Park in Alberta Canada. Lake Louise is one of the most visited lakes in Canada, and you can see why. #FloozyCB

"Attack of the Flying Tapeworm"

"Tattoo Buyer Regret" AKA "Attack of the Flying Tapeworm"

A friend of mine got her first tattoo recently. She had wanted one for years, she told me, and she finally took the plunge. (Plunge being an apt word choice in this instance, as you will see if you keep reading and why wouldn’t you? It’s not like you have much of a social life.)

She wanted something “tasteful but cheerful.” She found an illustration of those charming but theologically unsound cherubs painted by the Renaissance artist Raphael and decided one of those cute winged angels would permanently fly on her left shoulder. She priced various tattoo artists and located one with the lowest prices. His establishment was clean, and he was courteous and professional. All in all, an unremarkable event, except she probably should have found an artist who charged more.

From Floozy Comes Back available July 30. Copyright 2018 by Stephen B. Bagley. All rights reserved.

Floozy arrives!

My copies of Floozy Comes Back are here! Woohoo! Now, what does that mean for her online debut? I don't know. I'm not sure either is connected, but I have my copies! So that's good!

My mistake

Because I made the mistake of saying this day couldn't get any worse, Floozy Comes Back ran into a problem at the publisher. It's fixed, but it's off schedule now. I know she will go on sale on Lulu.com on the 30th. I'm hoping Amazon, Barnes & Noble, BAM!, and the others will also have her on sale that day. If not, they will have her the first or second week of August. Right now, they're saying they will "attempt" to hit the July 30th date. We'll see. Of course, I will have my copies by then so the local folks will be able to get it. There's no particular charm about the 30th, but it happens to be my birthday and I thought it would be a cool thing to have her premiere on that day. Okay, universe, you proved your point. I won't say that particular phrase ever again!

Oh, here's Floozy under the island palms. Where I'd like to be.