Miranda J. Chivers's Blog
October 16, 2021
Authentic and Noteworthy Reviews
As a new historical fiction author, I weigh all criticisms and complements carefully. In other words, every review matters.
Before writing the book, I've engaged in comprehensive research and cultural analysis. And when I begin my rough draft, I pray that my understanding of the historical period is accurate and represented appropriately. Missing this detail could destroy more than the popularity of one book. It could ruin my reputation as a researcher and author.
Readers are finicky and there's little room for error. It's one thing to have a few spelling or grammar mistakes, it's quite another to mess up the social dynamics or the known narrative.
In addition to studying the era and the society, I carefully craft my characters with realistic attitudes and personalities reflective of someone living in that time period and culture, paying particular attention to women's roles and their views of themselves, since these have both changed considerably over the last century. I must also show these shifting struggles of social progression and self-analysis within both the women's thoughts, actions and reactions.
This is a challenge that few writers can accomplish effectively. But at my age, I've lived through many tumultuous times and vast social changes. I've also adapted within shifting cultural norms and wrestled with my faith. I've discovered that time does not heal all things, but age and experience provide wisdom and insight. I'll embrace both as I journey on this lengthy episode called life.
In the meantime, I continue to deal with the angst of presenting another book to the public eye. From my understanding, publishing anxiety — i.e. self-doubt and performance panic — is common for all authors. After pushing the proverbial publish button, we look to the reviews to validate our success or lack there of.
And so, this week, my self-confidence lifted with this amazing accolade by a historical expert from Ukraine.
This is someone who knows the culture, the history, the era and the political conflicts extremely well. Therefore, his recommendation carries much weight on my scale. It means I aced writing this book and I passed the history exam with flying colors. And so, RUSSIAN MENNONITE CHRONICLES: Book One: Katarina's Dark Shadow I am incredibly honored to share this review with you here.
From Evan M. Ostryzniuk as posted:
As a student of the Russian Revolution, particularly rural insurgency and ethnic minorities, I was naturally drawn to Katarina's Dark Shadow, and I was not disappointed by its detailed portrayal of the German Mennonite community on the eve of and during this pivotal time. This is no Doctor Zhivago, with its blinkered view on the Revolution and cliched approach to love. Rather, Katarina is a successful attempt at a realistic portrayal of the fear, confusion and misunderstanding of this chaotic time from the point of view of a precocious young woman with intelligence and ambition but from a peripheral community of the Russian Empire. The novel clips along at a steady pace in an easily digestable language and packs an emotional wallop that stays with the reader long afterwards.
What I found particularly impressive is how the author deployed the plot, breaking up the text with dramatic moments that continue to play important roles in Katarina's life throughout the novel, not left aside and forgotten. And the framing device involving the protagonist's son shows a confidence and maturity of writing, as it not only provides the reader with a breather between long takes in lives of Mennonites in 1915-17, but also gives the reader pause to contemplate the purpose of the story, the text, its veracity and emotional honesty. Without giving away spoilers, the post-war reflection of a life lived provides unexpected strong layers to the novel, like a carefully woven tapestry that offers a new perspective each time you look at it. The author uncovers how one person's decision at a key moment in their life can have a fateful impact on subsequent generations.
Krause-Chivers has a deft touch with the subject matter, as evidenced by the absence of heavy-handed moralizing or awkward information dumps. Faith is a defining part of the characters' lives, not an adjunct to it, and informs their decisions. But the author shows that faith is subject to doubt and questioning, and this is natural. There is tension, and the author subtley reveals how such tension, between faith and desire, between siblings, between local and the broader community, between stasis and transition, is not always easily resolved - if ever. If I have a criticism, it would be a few of the longer stretches of text about domestic life, which could slow down the reading if you are not fully invested in Katarina's personal journey.
I received an ARC in exchange for an honest review
Thank you so much Evan. You helped me breathe a sigh of relief this week.
September 11, 2021
REFLECTIONS
March 27, 2020
FOOD AND LOVE
[image error]COPING AS A COUPLE IN THE NEW DYSTOPIAN ERA
The inevitable knock on the door at four o’clock tells me it’s almost time to start dinner. I’ve wasted another afternoon reviewing news briefings, epidemic numbers, and scanning social media. This global crisis is a PTSD trigger, putting me into freeze mode. I find myself on edge, waiting for the other shoe to drop. What else can go wrong?
To ease the risk of contagion, my husband has now quit his post-retirement part-time job. This puts us together 24/7. Retirement brought new challenges to our marriage, but as two very independent introverts, we each had our own personal interests to keep us busy without getting into each other’s face too often. Now, without those external escapes, life has shifted again.
Meal planning is one of those changes.
As the chief cook and bottle-washer, the daily task of meal-planning falls on my shoulders. I enjoy cooking, so I’m not complaining. It’s just that in the pre-pandemic era, his work-days and the occasional restaurant meal provided delicious mental breaks. Now that restaurants are shuttered, and he’s no longer working, my options are limited. Yes, we can still order in; but this is another exposure risk that I’m not willing to take at the moment.
I grew up in a home where food meant happiness. My Mennonite mother and Russian grandmothers always served a massive table spread with everything from home-made sausages and cheeses, home-grown fruits and vegetables, to home-baked breads and cakes. An agricultural lifestyle demanded five meals a day to satisfy the huge appetites of the hard-working men who toiled from sunrise to sunset, planting and harvesting in the fields, taking care of the livestock, repairing equipment, and building barns.
It would horrify my female ancestors to see today’s puny dinner of pasta and salad. I’m sure they’d say that I was setting the stage for my man to find another woman. A man needs to eat and eat well. They preached that the way to a man’s heart was through his stomach. If you want a good man, you need to show him you can cook. If you want him happy, you must feed him well.
I learned the joy of cooking from this hardy stock, and I did my best to pass it to my kids.
My first husband appreciated my talents, as he was raised in the same background. Although I made sure he never wanted for a good meal, my talent in the kitchen didn’t keep the marriage together. Maybe I wasn’t as good a cook as I thought. I say that with a grain of salt, as I know for a fact that his second wife was not nearly as skilled as I.
After writing this, I’ll throw some salt over my shoulder in the hope it gets rid of any bad luck. Oops. Not a Christian thing to do, I guess. But, old traditions die hard.
It wasn’t until after I married my city-boy second husband that I realized we were clashing on more than one level. I should have clued in when he insisted on teaching me how to load the dishwasher or bragged about his steak grilling skills.
I rolled my eyes then. After spending two-thirds of my life around livestock, I saw all meat as a necessary protein, but definitely not as a culinary adventure. A good cook incorporates meat into a dish, or at least surrounds a perfectly prepared piece with an artistic array of color and textures. A lazy meal of steak and potatoes was something anyone could make. Just potatoes and salad on the side? How boring.
I didn’t realize that many who grow up in urban areas don’t understand the agricultural way of life. Doesn’t everyone know gardening and basic cooking techniques? Apparently not.
Without bragging about my background, I showed him what I could do by pulling out all the stops in the kitchen. He seemed puzzled and almost dismissive of my efforts. When he insisted on dinner at a nice restaurant, I tried to push away the hurt caused by what I saw as his lack of appreciation. Cooking was a demonstration of my devotion, and in my thinking he was devaluing my love. It was years later that I realized his expression of love was giving me a break from what he saw as drudgery. Evidently he didn’t grow up in a home where food meant love.
Somehow, we muddled through those years. I succumbed to his weekly restaurant treats, and he learned to appreciate my cooking.
By our tenth anniversary, I suffered a health crisis, and cooking became secondary to my survival. I lost the joy of what once gave me incredible pleasure. Meals became simplified out of necessity as I no longer had the energy to cook. My husband grilled more often, and I learned to be thankful for his version of a good, home-cooked meal.
But I still yearned to see my table spread by the work of my own hands.
In the past few years, I’ve resurrected some of my old skills. At first, we invited a few friends over for dinner and a movie. Their appreciation reminded me how making someone else happy also makes me happy. It’s part of the old saying that in giving, we receive more.
Now, in this new era where we worry about illness, I’m searching for new recipes to show my love more. To be successful, I need to devote more time to the creative task of cooking. It’s a matter of shifting priorities. Instead of staring at the screen reading news briefings and scaring myself with death counts, maybe I can shift my focus and devote an extra hour to creating cuisine that inspires both of us. Every relationship needs continual nourishment, and the kitchen is the perfect place to start. Maybe the new series I’m writing will take a little longer to finish, but in the end, the result will just as sweet.
The Bible says “better a serving of vegetables with love than a fattened calf with hatred. (Proverbs 15:17) In other words, it doesn’t matter what you put on the table, as long as your motive is pure. Show love with what you have through a generous spirit.
What recipe are you using to build the love in your marriage during this challenging time?
Post a comment. I’d love to hear your ideas.
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August 29, 2019
Awards and Audiobook Announcement
The Audiobook is here
AND
ANNOUNCING THE AUDIOBOOK
I have two major public announcements to share.
Last week, I was shocked to receive an email announcing that Unequally Yoked: Staying Committed to Jesus and Your Unbelieving Spouse is listed as a top ten finalist in the Advice category for the Author Academy Awards.
Thousands of books are entered into the contest annually, and only a few are selected. So, believe me when I say that getting a nod from this academy is HUGE!
One of the sponsors of this major literary award is Kary Oberbrunner of Igniting Souls and the author of over sixteen books. He is a world thought leader in motivation and inspiration. Getting a nod from a celebrity like this feels surreal.
The red carpet award ceremony is scheduled for October 25 in Columbus, Ohio. I won’t know until then whether my book will win an award. But just getting nominated is a thrill.
In 2018 Unequally Yoked won the Silver medal in the Readers’ Favorites Awards and was displayed at the Miami Book Fair. Getting recognized two years in a row by different award organizations is highly unusual. I’m humbled and honored. I thank God for entrusting me with this special task.
A book can’t be written without a lot of help from a special team. My team included editors, copywriters, book cover artists, formatting specialists, and marketing gurus. I owe all of them a debt of gratitude.
And speaking of a special team…this brings me to Announcement #2
It’s been a year in the making, but we’ve finally completed the audiobook for Unequally Yoked—Staying Committed to Jesus and Your Unbelieving Spouse. It’s available exclusively on ACX/Amazon/Audible at this link: https://www.audible.com/pd/Unequally-Yoked-Audiobook/B07WWK7NSD
Thanks to Texan Anne-Leigh Stedman for being my voice on this huge project.
I have some free audible coupons available for readers purchasing from the UK store (only.) You can request one by simply sending me an email at miranda@mirandajchivers.com
I’m working with Amazon right now to put the e-book on sale while we launch the audiobook. Keep checking the Amazon page for the latest promos for the e-book here: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0791LJYX8
And please remember to leave a review. Reviews are so important to authors. We can’t survive without them. Thanks.
In Other News…
The facebook support group continues to grow. If you are seeking help for your unequally yoked marriage, connect with us here on facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/unequallyyokedmarriage
Please like us on Facebook https://www.facebook.com/mirandajchivers and the book page here: https://www.facebook.com/bookunequallyyoked
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2018 Readers’ Favorite Silver Award Winner
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April 30, 2019
THE TENDER LOVING HEART
But the Lord said to Samuel, “Do not look at his appearance or his stature, because I have rejected him. Man does not see what the Lord sees, for man sees what is visible, but the Lord sees the heart.” 1 Samuel 16:7
God chose Saul, a tall good-looking man to lead the country of Israel. But his heart wasn’t in the right place. His leadership eventually ended, his death gruesome.
Saul proved how quickly pride can replace humility. Even though Saul had looks and leadership skills, the easier, softer life swayed his heart. God gave him plenty of chances, but Saul didn’t appreciate God’s wisdom and he couldn’t key into an intimate spiritual relationship with his Creator. His downfall was self-centeredness. When it was the right time, God introduced a new leader for His pivotal mission.
The heart of a King needs to be tender and compassionate, the character humble but confident, the mind wise but shrewd, the body strong and fast. The nation relies on a leader who can keep the country safe and prosperous. Looks alone do not qualify a leader.
Israel needed a new leader with a pure heart. God selected an obscure shepherd boy—the youngest and least important in his family and community—a dirty, smelly boy who slept in the open fields and stunk like sheep oil.
Shepherding is a lonely and physically difficult task. With only animals for companionship, conversation becomes one-sided. Loneliness is exacerbated when your own flesh and blood dismisses you as unimportant. David probably felt invalidated, unwanted and unworthy. But during those formative years, God quietly nurtured him, feeding him love, wisdom and knowledge. David eagerly ate from the Father’s hand. Their intimate relationship blossomed. The result was a man with a tender, loving heart. A willing vessel for the kingdom.
A tender, loving heart comes from years of practice in quality intimate relationships. Many non-Christians purposely work at fostering goodness because they’re aware of their own imperfections. As Christians, we, too, struggle with narcissism. Our base nature is selfishness. We gravitate to looking after our own needs first. Pride needs acclamation and approval. Both Christians and non-believers tackle this evil. As Christians, we know we must extinguish it daily.
Back in the 60s, my family was part of a church that condemned all displays of pompousness. My dad only drove a black car, because a colored car would draw attention and thereby increase pride. My clothes were homemade or hand-me-downs. According to my parents, this would help keep me humble. I was to “expect nothing and desire less.” Meanwhile, my secular friends purchased new store-bought-clothes, lived in nicely decorated houses, had salon haircuts, and their daddies drove cool cars. Instead of squashing my pride, I felt unworthy and undesirable. I became envious and developed a rebellious heart. This impaired my relationships.
It’s impossible to have a sensitive, loving heart when one is resentful and selfish. It took half a lifetime to undo my dysfunctional perspectives and discover my inheritance as a King’s daughter. Developing a loving, tender heart required plenty of alone-time with The Father in the rough and wild wilderness. It surprised me to learn God doesn’t ask me to give up stuff. He wants the best for me. All he desires in return is my heart. Complete intimacy requires total commitment.
A tender, loving heart yearns to be so connected. When we develop this unique closeness with God, we naturally want this in our physical relationships. In the unequally yoked marriage, this ideal is difficult to achieve. Since our marriage partner doesn’t know the Lord, their ability to fight selfish tendencies centers on their own will. Without God in the center, each person fights for control and the marriage becomes more and more unbalanced.
It’s easy to fall into the tempting trap of manipulation and control while we try to achieve spiritual intimacy with a physical partner who doesn’t love God. Without this closeness, we feel stuck in the sheep pen—alone, unwanted, abandoned, invalidated and unworthy. We gravitate to selfish measures to be noticed and loved, only to meet with resentment and chaos. We conclude our stink is unwelcome. The treasure in our tender loving hearts is neither seen, valued nor wanted. We try harder, but nothing we do works. If we are to fit neatly into their lives, we need to wash off the smell of Jesus. The enemy waits to kill, steal and destroy.
If the salivating wolf can’t get you to abandon your faith, he finds other tactics. He’ll shoot arrows at your self-esteem. Rejection, unworthiness, invalidation, and minimization are equally damaging as excessive pride. These lead to more feelings of unworthiness which position us into the firing line of depression. It’s natural to react defensively and give legitimacy to the negativity around us and take it into our soul. However, if we allow this to mar our tender hearts, the enemy gets his kill.
If we want truly want to be a practical vessel in the Kingdom, we must guard against the enemy’s tactics. God wants the best of us, but we need to do our part to keep our heart tender. This requires cultivating our relationship with the Lord.
Increasing spiritual intimacy is the best strategy in spiritual warfare. This is as simple as enjoying the companionship of Christian friends, listening to Christian music or podcasts, reading the Bible and good Christian books and, of course, prayer. Sometimes I go for a walk in nature just to talk to him. Loneliness dissipates when I sit at His feet or have communion with God’s family. This is where true intimacy grows.
The secret to true intimacy is a tender, loving heart. It begins with a relationship with Jesus Christ.
If you are living in an unequally yoked marriage, there’s a peer support group built just for you. We pray for and encourage each other with Biblically based support. (For Christians only) Check us out https://www.facebook.com/groups/unequallyyokedmarriage
If you haven’t read the book yet, it’s available on all Amazon sites. Check it out on my author page here: https://www.amazon.com/Miranda-J.-Chivers/e/B0791MGZP7
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November 10, 2018
Remembrance Day, Poppies, Eagles and Dad
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Hanging in my foyer is R.S. Parker’s 1991 painting “Through the Firs Eagle” (pictured here.) It’s probably the first thing you”ll notice when you walk into my house.
Throughout my house eagle sculptures and pictures decorate almost every room. Above my office desk is Don Li-leger’s painting “High and Mighty.” An eagle perches on a branch, eyes piercing the canopy below, wings poised for flight. (not shown.)
Why do I collect eagles?
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Part of my collection
Although the eagle is a national American symbol, that isn’t why I collect eagles. I’m not American. I’m a Canadian. And we don’t have a national affinity for the American Eagle. It’s just another raptor to us. So people are sometimes surprised that I, as a Canadian, collect Eagles.
But what does this have to do with Remembrance/Veteran’s Day?
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This is all connected to my Dad.
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My favorite pic of me at age 10 with my parents
(without my three annoying brothers)
On November 11, 2011, my Dad slipped into eternity. Although his younger life was marked with personal struggles, he knew the Lord and taught his children the Christian faith as best as he understood it. Later in life, he fell in love with Jesus and committed the rest of his life serving his Lord and Savior and his community. He volunteered tirelessly in his church where he ministered as elder, advisor, teacher, minister, board member, janitor—virtually every and any position. Whether cleaning toilets, counseling the youth, visiting the sick, or preaching the sermon—he was well respected in both the church and his local community. His spiritual influence was evident at his funeral, where multiple personal testimonies were given.
I remember being overwhelmed at the sheer number of mourners at the service. Since I lived almost two thousand miles away, I never fully appreciated the impact of his life until then.
I thought “these people think my Dad was some kind of hero. But to me, he was just my Dad.”
You see, I knew his flaws. I knew the man who raised me. But I left home in 1972. A lot happened between then and 2011. So I didn’t really know the man who died that day—at least not as well as I thought I did.
After his death, I reflected often at the life principles he taught me. As a child, Dad always encouraged me to memorize scripture. My favorite was Isaiah 40:31:
But those who wait on the Lord
Shall renew their strength;
They shall mount up with wings like eagles,
They shall run and not be weary,
They shall walk and not faint.
Around the age of eleven Dad gave me a book about eagles. That book contained scientific info about eagles complemented by a dozen verses from the Bible regarding these magnificent raptors. Many times I reread this cherished book. It’s probably still tucked away somewhere in a dusty box of collectibles.
My introduction to eagles became a lifelong fascination. Among other things, I learned that eagles fly into the storm, not away from it. The stronger the wind, the higher they fly. This taught me the challenges of life can make us stronger if we face conflicts head-on instead of running from them. I also discovered that adult eagles love to bring shiny trinkets to the nest for their babies play. This reminds me of my heavenly’s Father’s love for me—how he cares about my happiness. I believe the unexpected surprises in life are often God’s way of reminding me of his love.
If you google “eagle facts”, you’ll discover fascinating trivia very applicable to life and spiritual growth.
The man who taught me about eagles always reminded me to look upward and remember where my strength comes from. It seems fitting that he died on 11/11—the perfect day to remember a spiritual war hero.
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In Canada, November 11 is a federal holiday. Formal ceremonies are held at war memorials and cemeteries in every city in the country. The military wears their finest uniforms and regalia. At precisely 11:11 two minutes of silence help us to remember those who fought and died for freedom. This is followed by a single bugle playing the haunting song, “The Last Post” and a reading of the poem “In Flanders fields.”
Since my Dad’s death, my husband and I make a habit of attending one of these memorial services. It just seems appropriate. After the service, we enjoy a quiet lunch. At home, I’ll turn on the fireplace and watch replays of the National services or put on a reflective war movie. This is when I sit back and look around my house at all the eagles displayed and I remember Dad.
The poppies worn on November 11 salute the war veterans who died. But it means much more to me. The poppy I wear reminds me of one of my spiritual heros—my Dad. And it reminds me of the day he died. The eagle sculptures and paintings bring to mind the Biblical teachings I received from him and they prompt me to revisit Isaiah 40:31. And this encourages me to wait on the Lord and rely on Him for my daily strength.
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Remembrance Day, Poppies, Dad, Eagles and Isaiah 40:31. Intimately connected.
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If you haven ‘t picked up my book yet—it’s available on Amazon on Kindle and in Print. Audio is soon to follow. Check it out at https://www.amazon.com/Miranda-J.-Chi.... Click here: https://www.amazon.com/Miranda-J.-Chivers/e/B0791MGZP7
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September 24, 2018
It’s All In The Attitude
“Wives, in the same way, submit yourselves to your own husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives.” I Peter 3:1-2 NIV
“The same goes for you wives: Be good wives to your husbands, responsive to their needs. There are husbands who, indifferent as they are to any words about God, will be captivated by your life of holy beauty.” 1 Peter 3:1-2 The Message.
This blog is not about the word “submit.” If you want my take on that word, please read my book “Unequally Yoked—Staying Committed to Jesus and Your Unbelieving Spouse.” I dissect it there.
Today I’m discussing the action of kindness towards our unbelieving spouse.
It’s a good idea to examine a verse in different versions and translations to get a broader view of what the writer is trying to say. Here, I quote two translations: the NIV and The Message.
Although the wording in each translation is slightly different, the intent of the passage is the same. The Apostle Peter suggests that the best evidence of a life transformed is a pure and gentle heart. This transformation attracts others to our faith. We can assume the reverse is also true. A quick temper, crude speech, and rude attitude are examples of behaviors that are deficient in kindness and love. These latter qualities are poor representations of the love of Christ.
When you live with someone long enough, informality sets in and your true personality comes to the forefront. Before, when we were dating, we were all smiles and full of niceties. But now, that niceness disappears in a flash when the stress of daily living intrudes. And usually, our spouse gets the worst of our speech and attitude. I’m sure we can all use a refresher lesson in kindness and humility. Especially when we’ve messed up.
It’s interesting that the Apostle Peter is emphatic about character and behavior. In this chapter he focuses intently on how we treat our unbelieving spouse. And who should understand this better than Peter? He was well known for his crass, fickle and impulsive nature. He often spoke first and asked questions later. If anyone needed a character transformation—it was Peter. I’ve often wondered if his defiant personality and abrupt, crude speech created chaos in his marriage. After all, Jesus called Peter out for his behavior on more than one occasion.
This is the same Apostle that was key in starting the Christian church and emboldening new believers. How did that happen?
If anyone knew what the love of God could do a heart, Peter was a good example. I suspect he was frequently challenged on his speech and attitudes in his home. And when the Holy Spirit began to work in his life, there was a dramatic change.
I can picture his wife telling her mother and friends “Peter was nice to me today. He didn’t swear or yell at me. In fact, he cleaned the fish before he brought them home for dinner. Then he went to the market and picked up the vegetables I needed. I wonder why he’s being so nice?”
And people flocked to his house.
If you get a chance to tour Israel, you will visit Capernaum and see the house where Peter lived. Jesus spent a lot of time there. During the early years of the Christian church, Peter’s house was enlarged several times to accommodate the abundance of visitors. This fact alone speaks of the impact the Holy Spirit can have on one’s life.
I imagine the rumors flew plentifully in this small town.
“Remember that trouble-maker Peter who created such a ruckus when he was drunk at the New Year’s party last year? Well, apparently, he’s changed. Suddenly, he’s a really nice guy.”
“What? I don’t believe it. There must be something sinister afoot. Let’s go visit his wife and see what this is all about.”
And his wife would be the first one to give authority to the rumors. After all, she was in the position to know first-hand whether the rumors were true or false.
It’s highly likely that Peter’s instructions to us are based on personal experience. The early Christians didn’t accuse him of hypocrisy or bad behavior. They saw a changed man who provided clear information on how to live a Godly life. In today’s lingo, he could probably say:
“Been there. Done that. Got the T-shirt.”
When we read Peter’s letters today, we are reminded of the Holy Spirit’s influence in changing hearts, attitudes, and behavior. And we have clear direction on how and where to implement those changes. We might not always be aware of our flaws. Sometimes it takes another person to point them out—the way Jesus did to Peter. But if the Holy Spirit could change a crude impudent fisherman into a powerful speaker, author, and leader, then surely he can turn our weaknesses into our greatest strengths. But we have to be willing to allow him to make those changes.
And that requires humility.
If we want our homes to be transformed by the love of Christ, then we need to demonstrate that daily. Everywhere. With everyone.
Kindness to others and purity in speech…in our homes AND in our interactions with others. That’s how our loved ones can see the Jesus in us.
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August 13, 2018
LESSONS FROM A COFFEE POT
Lessons from a Coffee Pot
“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the Lord. As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts. Isaiah 55:8-9 NIV
I was wounded. I had been nursing the caustic unkind words for days. I retreated further into my cracked shell, licking my wounds to attempt to avoid further pain. It wasn’t the first time this happened. I bore plenty of old scars to prove it. I stewed over the conversation. As my anger festered, I debated disconnecting from this painful relationship.
The coffee pot beeped. My morning reading and prayer hadn’t eased my injured ego. Perhaps coffee and a bit of time would. I got up from the couch and headed to the kitchen. Instead of putting my cup on the counter, I held it in my hand and began to pour. Almost instantly, a slow steady stream of delicious steaming coffee in my cup changed to a surging gush of boiling hot liquid pouring all over my hand. In my preoccupation with my pity party, I had neglected to properly snap on the lid.
The intense searing pain began before I could set both the cup and the pot on the counter. I clamped my mouth shut and tried not to scream or cry. Brave lady. Pretending not to hurt. But it did. A lot.
I immediately raced to the medicine cabinet for burn ointment. With shaking hands, I grabbed the aloe vera and poured the cooling gel on my now angry red hand. I watched my injured skin quickly soak up the soothing liquid. I reapplied it again and waited. Then again. The pain slowly dissipated as healing took place. My fast action prevented further damage.
Returning to the kitchen, I grabbed a rag and wiped up the brown mess dripping from the countertop onto my white cupboards and hardwood floor. My hand still stinging, I stared at the coffee pot. I scolded myself. Then shook off my guilt. It was a stupid accident.
And then God whispered.
God: “Are you angry at the coffee for burning you?”
Me: “No. That’s silly. It was my fault for not snapping on the lid properly.”
God: “Are you angry at the coffee pot then?”
Me: “No, that’s silly.”
God: “Who are you angry at?”
Me: “Me. I made the mistake.”
God: “What mistake was that?”
Me: “Not putting the cup down and not putting the lid on right.”
God: “Look at your hand.”
Me: “It’s burning.”
God: “Why?”
Me: “Because I was careless.”
God: “Will it heal?”
Me: “Yes.”
God: “Will it leave a scar?”
Me: “I don’t know yet.”
God: “Are you prepared for the scar?”
Me: “Yes.”
God: “Will you drink coffee again?”
Me: “Yes.”
God: “Why would you drink coffee again when it hurt you?”
Me: “It wasn’t the coffee’s fault.”
God: “So you can drink coffee again, handle the coffee pot again, and heal from a burn, but you think running away from someone because they hurt you is the way to handle your emotional pain?”
Me: “Good point.”
God: “Some people need more love than others. Their insides are full of hot liquid that spill onto everything they touch. Don’t let them burn you. Handle them carefully.”
And THAT brought me to this lesson. We all have times when our anger spills out and hurts others. We can often be so preoccupied with our own pain we miss how we are coming across. When we are the ones holding the coffee pot we expect understanding and forgiveness. However —when we are the injured party— our anger boils over. We rush to judgment.
As we lick our wounds in an attempt to heal, it’s easy to disconnect from those who have hurt us. We can hurt ourselves further by falling into defeat and depression. But that’s not what God wants us to do.
When we get burnt in life, we need help. With physical pain, we can use ointment from our medicine chest. With spiritual pain, there is only one ointment—God’s love. In some situations or relationships, applying love can sting. Our wounds are still burning. It’s difficult to walk in love when we’ve been hurt. But if we keep applying love over and over like an ointment, the wound will eventually heal. Until it does, we might need to work through a few festering and bleeding scars. Sometimes we need to protect those scars—until they heal—through the use of boundaries or new strategies. But we can’t quit just because we don’t see instant results. Relationships matter—more than coffee.
I’ll be more careful how I pour my coffee next time. And I’ll put my cup down on the counter rather than holding it in my hand. But I won’t quit drinking coffee anytime soon.
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Hey, if you haven’t read my book yet—FYI—it’s available in print and on Kindle, including KDPU. In case you don’t have one— kindle apps are available for any device. The code for the e-book on Amazon is B0791LJYX8. For the print version, use this code: 978-1775189503. Use this link for Amazon.com https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0791LJYX8
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August 6, 2018
CONFLICT RESOLUTION
Conflict Resolution
How do you resolve conflict with someone who prefers to hide their head in the sand?
It’s been a tough discouraging week with one crisis after another. Sometimes I can’t help but laugh at the barrage of catastrophes that keep knocking at my door. I find myself saying “next?” and “when will it end?” At times, I want to bury my head under the blankets and wait for the problems to magically disappear. But pretending a problem doesn’t exist doesn’t make it go away.
When it comes to conflict resolution, nothing frustrates me more than the proverbial ostrich. It’s precarious having a relationship with someone who insists on being one. If you pull too hard, they run away. If you don’t push hard enough, they stay stuck. Conflict is messy stuff. How can it be easier?
Ostrich-like behavior is a method of control used to manipulate others. This highly skilled behavior uses diversion, blame-shifting and a whole library of maneuvering strategies—all to get away from that uncomfortable pain of working through an issue. Yes, conflict is painful.
Sometimes the resolution is as simple as apologizing. Sometimes it isn’t. Conflict can result from a difference of opinion—and opinion is a personal thing. As I wrote in my book, “Unequally Yoked”—you can have different opinions and still have successful relationships. However, if you make your opinion about the other person, your disagreement turns into a personal attack. This is when conflict turns ugly and you run the risk of ending a relationship.
Politics and religion are both good examples of different viewpoints. We tend to hang out with people who think like us, but we might have a few friends that don’t. How often do we label others negatively because they believe differently from us? Rather than discussing why we have chosen our political or religious viewpoint, we label ourselves as right and the other person as wrong. Then we stick our heads in the sand and decide we won’t talk about that subject with this person again.
Unfortunately, when we restrict our conversation to appease someone else, we become people pleasers. People pleasing is one characteristic of co-dependent behavior. Co-dependency is destructive. It means you are enabling negative behavior in another.
Avoiding difficult conversations does just that. It enables others to carry on sticking their heads in the sand while you do the same thing.
That’s a pretty funny picture, isn’t it? Two ostriches both with their heads in the sand. How can either of them possibly know what’s going on around them or between them?
So how do you encourage that ostrich to look up? Sometimes it takes a push or tickle. But sometimes they’ll respond by planting their feet wider and sticking their head in a bit deeper. You will always get a reaction, but it may not be the reaction that you want. You can’t control their reaction—you can only control your own. In fact, your reaction could be giving up and walking away—thinking there’s no hope.
Bear in mind, conflict is always about two or more people. You must decide whether the conflict is important enough to cause a permanent rift in your relationship or whether the relationship is more important than the conflict. Whatever decision you make, keep your head up and your eyes open. Burying conflict is neither healthy nor wise.
I wish I had an easy answer about dealing with the ostrich. I don’t. If you do, please send me an email and enlighten me. In the meantime, I’ll defer to the Bible’s instructions on conflict resolution.
God wants us to have healthy relationships. He instructs us to forgive others when they are wrong and apologize when we are wrong. He also encourages us to acquire wisdom and consult with others. If you can’t solve a serious conflict on your own, get help.
The wise will hear and increase their learning, And the person of understanding will acquire wise counsel and the skill [to steer his course wisely and lead others to the truth]. Proverbs 1:5 Amp.
Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God. Matthew 5:9 NIV
Hey, if you haven’t read my book yet—FYI—it’s available in print and on Kindle, including KDPU. In case you don’t have one— kindle apps are available for any device. The global code for the e-book is B0791LJYX8. For the print version, use this code: 978-1775189503. Use this link for Amazon.com https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0791LJYX8
If you think you don’t have time to read the Bible—check out www.dailyaudiobible.com This audioversion of the Bible will get you through all 66 books in one year in just thirty minutes a day.
The post CONFLICT RESOLUTION appeared first on Miranda J. Chivers.
