David Hadley's Blog, page 71

Mouse in Captivity

This was not how it was supposed to happen. It should have been a quick, quiet, in and out job. Now here we were, hands in the air.

I looked at Mouse, she grinned at me.

One of the guards saw the grin. ���What?��� He stepped forward and slapped Mouse around the face. The noise was like a crack of thunder, so was the look on Mouse���s face when her cheek turned bright red.

If I wasn���t too busy feeling sorry for us and our hopeless situation, then I���d be feeling sorry for that guard. No-one did something like that to Mouse and lived.

But there were four of them, all armed, with more on the way. They were all massive too, and probably not polite company either, not the way they were leering at Mouse.

���Think we should��� y���know?��� One of them said to the slapper, who was obviously their sergeant.

���What?��� The slapper said. Obviously, he was not the sergeant due to his verbal dexterity or loquaciousness.

The other guard, still leering at Mouse, licked his lips. ���Y���know, search them��� just in case.��� He nodded towards Mouse.

���Search them?���

���Yeah��� y���know��� strip search them.��� He nodded towards Mouse again.

Mouse thrust out a hip towards them.

���What��� Oh, right. Yes.��� The leading guard turned to look at me, a smile spreading on his face. ���Yeah, we could��� as you say��� search them.��� He looked me up and down.

I heard a snort of laughter from Mouse next to me. ���Looks like you���ve pulled,��� she whispered.

���Shut up!��� The sergeant whirled around, but Mouse stepped back, accidentally, into the leering guard behind her. He, of course, put his arms out to grab her.

Mouse twisted as she fell.

The leering guard���s eyes opened wide as he looked down to see his own knife sticking out of his stomach. He no longer leered as he looked at Mouse. ���You���ve killed me,��� he said, falling to the floor.

By then the knife was out of his stomach and already in the air between Mouse and the third guard.

By the time the third guard realised what was going on, the knife was through his eye. He dropped without a word.

The fourth guard, standing by the door stepped forward, drawing his sword. Mouse was ready for him She���d already pulled the sword free from the scabbard on the body of the no-longer leering guard at her feet.

The leading guard stepped up behind Mouse, reaching for his sword. When his hand encountered nothing where his pommel ought to be, he turned.

���Looking for this?��� I said.

Behind the sergeant, the fourth guard���s surprised-looking head bounced and rolled across the floor.

���No, leave him to me,��� Mouse said, raising her blood-dripping sword. ���He slapped me, remember?���

So I did. I left him to her.

I gulped, watching him as he screamed his final scream.

���Come on, let���s go,��� Mouse said.

So we did.

***

More Mouse:

Mouse in the Moonlight

Mouse in the Alley

Mouse on the Roof

The World���s Greatest Video Game of All Time

Spindizzy Rainbowisland is, of course, the UK���s leading video game designer. His massive worldwide hit from 2008 Grand Accountancy Audit: VAT Return is one of the biggest selling computer games of all time. In addition, the game is a great critical success and marketing franchise. Based loosely on the hit film The Justice League of Accountancy, the game itself has now had an option for a film taken out for it in Hollywood. There are rumours that Hollywood legend, Gravely Chinstubble himself may come out of semi-retirement to play the role of the Justice Accountants aged mentor and live-in cross-dressing Butler, Maude Cashbook.

Many people who first played the game later went on to become game designers, often crediting their decision to the massive influence of the game on their subsequent career choice. Many more though went on to enter the sexy, glamorous world of accountancy because of their experiences with and enjoyment of the game. Most critics credit the game���s massive worldwide success to its fully-immersive atmosphere. Many players have said that after playing the game for a while, they forget it is a game and feel they are really living as an accountant on the edge. A dream that for so long as been beyond most people���s capabilities. It is this possibility of becoming a glamorous accountancy superhero and learning just how to reconcile a cash balance that has enthralled so many players.

The game���s influence can, it is said by some social commentators, even be seen in school playgrounds around the country. Where now young boys and girls play games of accountancy and bookkeeping where they used to play games of football, marbles, skipping and good old-fashioned pitiless bullying of the weak and socially-awkward.

However, the critics of the game say its influence is pernicious by falsely holding out the prospect of even the most ordinary player becoming an accountant. This despite most players lacking the necessary intellect, drive, ambition and ��� of course ��� massive sex appeal, that we all know a full-blooded accountant needs. Especially in their daily battle against the evils of accounting errors that still blight what we like to think is a civilised society.

Many other critics point out that the game ��� because of its scenes of full-frontal accountancy – has an 18 rating. Minors should not therefore see, let alone play, the game. But well over 78% of under-eighteens recently questioned in an online poll for Madeupstuff Pollsters said they had played the game. Some of these minors ��� nearly 0.002% – admitted that they had tried some accountancy practices themselves. With some even admitting they had seen pictures of accountancy software ��� sometimes being used ��� when online.

These days most people feel that the game – as well as video games as a whole ��� is a force for good in society, if not an art form in their own right. Despite this, there are worries about children coming into contact with some accountancy practices before they are mature enough to understand them. Many credit such games as Grand Accountancy Audit: VAT Return as one of the games that have taken computer gaming out of adolescent bedrooms and on to the world stage. Therefore, they say, in years to come people such as Spindizzy Rainbowisland will be regarded as artists. Some even now put him on an artistic par with some of the greats of the past like William Shakespeare, Leonardo Da Vinci, Valerie Singleton, Marlon Brando and the Cadbury���s Smash aliens.

 

An Empty World

This world is not easy to shape or hold in the hand. It slips away, slipping like sand through the fingers or pouring away like water. The world is made of fine grains that will heap on the hand at first as though they can be held, but those grains slip through the fingers. The water pours, then drips away.

The life that teems around this world is hard to hold in the hand. The solidity of it presses back against the reaching fingers. The warmth of life, then movement, and it too is gone.

I wanted to take hold of this world, reshape it and set it down in front of me to see how it worked. I wanted to create mountains and valleys of my own, thread rivers and streams through them. Create vast oceans here the horizon spread against the sky for days at a time without sight of land.

I wanted a world I could people with great adventurers; people it with inquiring minds who���d want to see what lies beyond that horizon. People who wanted to travel beyond those hills, to see all they could see and touch all they could touch.

I wanted to go beyond a mere god. I wanted to be the one that created the gods and then destroyed them, so that the people could see the blind dangers of gods and letting themselves worship them. I would create a world that went beyond anything anyone – even those idiotic gods – had made before.

But these are just ordinary hands, they no longer have the power of creation, if they ever did. Oh, I could create worlds. After all, we can all create worlds by closing our eyes and imagining what ought to be. I could create the gods too. After all, any fool can do that and so many fools often do.

I could create the people too and set them in motion to travel this world, to find homes, make families and spread out beyond the hills and towards those distant horizons. But it was never enough, there was always something missing, something I needed.

I created her because I felt she would know. She would be the one to understand. She would know that worlds do not need gods. She would understand how to take a pile of this earth in the palm of her hand. She would be the one who could hold water in the palm of her hand without it dripping away.

This world, though, was never enough for her. Now she had gone beyond the horizons where even I cannot go. Now she is gone and this world is still full of so much, but it is emptier than ever.

Crispflavour���s Badger Roasting Hour

Spongecake Crispflavour is, of course, not only a celebrity TV chef, she is also the UK���s leading presenter of live wildlife programmes. However, her recent attempt to combine the two in a TV series was short-lived. It ended after only two episodes, following numerous complaints about her weasel in red wine casserole. Crispflavour is, of course, no stranger to controversy and outrage. As many critics like to point out to tedious excess, her badger roasting stunts have been compared many times to the attitude of the Top Gear presenters towards caravans. In fact, Crispflavour herself has often said that she wanted to do for wildlife documentaries and cookery shows what Top Gear has done for cars, by making them almost interesting to ordinary viewers.

Despite credible viewing figures, wildlife programmes, especially on the BBC, have been stuck in the doldrums for decades. Their only real recent innovations were concerned with making a fetish over how their cameramen manage to fake��� create the stunning imagery used by the programmes. This camerawork is essential to win the awards and overseas sales necessary to keep their franchises running.

It was a mark of Crispflavour���s genius to see that both cookery programmes and wildlife programmes were both stuck in their own creative ruts. Her masterstroke came when she decided to combine both genres of programme. However, these days most people think that food, rather than coming from the countryside, somehow grows in supermarkets inside plastic containers.

A recent survey, for example, of the British public found that over 87% of them thought the countryside was there only to ���look scenic���. Most people, in fact, these days think the main purpose of the British countryside is to provide a bucolic TV background. Mainly against which various improbably contrived murders can take place, ideally in some nostalgic era of the near past. For this, they believe the English village background is ideal. Many also consider that the countryside is very useful for making the tasteful but dull calendars used in the workplace and for birthday cards for older relatives with no sense of humour.

There are even some who think that the countryside is very useful for keeping apart the main urban areas and cities. They also feel it spaces out the motorway service stations on long car journeys. Although, surveys say most British people would not consider venturing out into the countryside for fear of werewolves or roaming psychopaths seeking a starring part in a rural detective series.

Consequently, Crispflavour thought it would be good to show that food is actually a living product of the countryside. She wanted to show that wild animals themselves, rather than just being�� walk on bit part actors in those rural scene calendars and birthday cards are in fact often, quite tasty.

However, her Crispflavour���s Badger Roasting Hour was not the success or revelation she hoped it would be. The BBC later admitted they had not had so many complaints from upset and disturbed viewers since the last time they���d tried to infiltrate Janet Street-Porter into a popular celebrity panel game.

Consequently, Crispflavour herself has now promised her many fans in a televised apology, that she will not cook wild animals on live TV anymore. At least, not until those animals are certified totally cuteness-free by a panel of independent experts and properly packaged in a supermarket plastic container.

 

A Mathematical Genius

Micturition Psychogoat is probably the world���s leading expert in the field of mathematics known as difficult sums. Not only does he know what seven means, he is also able to calculate his conference-speaking fee to 27 decimal places. He has also made several of the world���s governments pay him tax, even while not living, working or hanging his hat in their country for a significant period of time. Not only that, the very same hat is now also classed as a tax-deductible travelling expense and is officially recognised by the UN as an independent island nation in its own right.

Psychogoat first shot to fame outside the mathematical world when he produced a Fields Medal-winning paper on the various uses of imaginary numbers. In particular, the paper discussed government figures and the statistics bandied about by various players in the field of public policy. What so fascinated Psychogoat was that a seemingly endless ��� if not infinite ��� amount of numbers, statistics and other figures are produced around the world. All created by various governments, official opposition, NGOs, charities and other such organisations. Most of these numbers, according to Psychogoat, have no actual meaning, or correspondence with reality. At least not in the three-dimensional universe all other numbers are calculated and used in.

Psychogoat has since proposed that such ���official figures��� do not actually exist in reality. These ���official figures ���as they are called in mathematics, to distinguish them from actual numbers, exist only in a particular quasi-mathematical world. This mathematical world was, Psychogoat claims, first invented by politicians, usually when they were campaigning for elections. However, he says it has now spread to the rest of the players in the world political game.

According to Psychogoat, the other non-governmental organisations saw how the politicians were using these figures to further their own ends. Psychogoat contends that these figures are mostly made up out of thin air, wishful thinking and outright political mendacity. The politicians use these numbers to put a positive spin on the politician���s own policies and actions while denigrating those actions and policies of the opposition.

There is ��� of course ��� a long tradition in politics of using made up numbers and pretending they have real meaning in the actual physical universe where we live. Everything from Soviet tractor factory statistics, through to reductions in the national debt, health service improvements and all else under ��� and sometimes not under ��� government control has a whole raft of figures available. Politicians and others use these numbers to prove whatever the user of those figures wants people to believe. Of course, often no such figures exist, and for those numbers that do exist, the politicians use them to mean what they want them to mean. This is, of course, the opposite of how mathematicians, and even ordinary people, in the real world use numbers.

Psychogoat noticed too, that the non-governmental organisations, charities, pressure groups and other such groups had adopted this use of what he calls ���the political numbers��� to further their own aims. The NGOs often use their political numbers either in concert with, or in opposition to, the ���official��� governmental numbers in the same field.

Thus, according to Psychogoat, the whole field of political numbers have no real meaning. He claims that such numbers, from statistics to even actual population count and tax receipts, as well as figures produced by the NGOs, etc are meaningless. He says they have all lost touch with what the rest of us would see as mathematical reality. Political numbers, Psychogoat says, no longer have any meaning or correspondence with the real world whatsoever. Therefore, Psychogoat contends, we should all realise that such political numbers bear no correspondence at all with the world we live in and should, therefore, be entirely ignored.

 

Going Free

Worlds grow from these gestures. A twist of the hand can bring into being something that has never existed before. A word on the breeze can create universes and worlds. The touch of a finger can breathe life into a creature that has – until the instant of creation – existed only as a thought, an idea still to take shape.

I reached out into the empty air and drew the shape of her with my hands. She was all I ever wanted and she was there now in front of me. She could become anything I wanted her to be.

I, though, had made mistakes in the past. Other times, I stood here up on this hill of possibility and sculpted universes, worlds I thought I understood. I had made her too, or versions of her, before now. Each time I���d wanted to be the lord of all before me, including her and the peoples I wanted to see grow from her to populate the world I���d made for them.

Now I���ve grown tired, tired of being the one who ruled these worlds I created. I no longer want to be the god of these peoples, or watch what they do to reach other – supposedly in my name.

I���d grown tired of the death, the destruction, the hate and the wilful misunderstanding. I no longer wanted them to look up into the skies, see me and know I was responsible for them and the world they saw around them. Nor did I want them to use me as an excuse or to blame for when things went wrong.

She stood there in front of me waiting for me to breathe the life into her that would set her in motion. I looked around the world that was to be hers and smiled for it looked good. This time she would be free. As soon as she came to life, I would disappear fade back into the seas of possibilities where all universes grow from. This time there would be no god, no-one in the skies to praise or blame, no excuse for wars, tortures and death.

She and all who came after her would be free. This time they would go alone into the unknown future.

Meanwhile, I would sit back and watch, wondering this time if I had it right. I wondered if the problem was not them and their need to believe, after all, but in me wanting them, needing them to have that belief in me.

This time, though, they would be going free.

 

A UK Government Success Story

Trimphone Soppymallard is, of course, the UK���s leading expert in the field of talking utter bollocks. He has represented his country at international level for several years now and has talked utter bollocks with some of the finest talkers of utter bollocks that the rest of the world has to offer.

Whenever there is an international conference at some exclusive and expensive foreign resort, nowadays, the UK government always chooses Soppymallard to represent them. After all, it doesn���t actually matter that much what the press releases say the conference is about. What matters is that this country has a representative there. It is essential that this representative is someone who will not make the mistake of committing this country to anything. In particular, anything that could come back and reflect poorly on the government that sent him there.

In the past, governments made the mistake of sending people to these international conferences with an interest or expertise in the supposed subject matter of that conference. Whether the conferences are ostensibly about world trade, government debt, pandemic illnesses, global warming, international tax havens, or the best way to fiddle government overseas travel expenses is, in reality, irrelevant.

Eventually, though, most governments realised it was a mistake to send people who knew what they were talking about, or who had an agenda, to these conferences. For then, that government would end up making solemn commitments on the world stage. Often this would happen in front of the world���s media, making commitments, which looked good and made good copy and headlines in the world���s media. Unfortunately, this would cause that government untold hardship with the people back home. Especially when those people got the tax bill that their government���s posturing on the world stage had left them with.

Eventually, even the UK government noticed that the rest of the world���s governments had stopped sending experts, knowledgeable people and diplomats to these conferences. So, the UK government learnt from environmentalists and other pressure groups who never let facts, evidence or even reality affect their proposals and demands. The British government decided they did not need someone who knew what he was talking about. They realised they needed someone who could speak utter bollocks, and speak it through the night if necessary. They needed someone who could spout platitudes about anything and everything and still turn up for the closing press conference without ever committing the British government ever to actually doing anything. Or, at least, anything that would come back and bite that government in any subsequent elections.

So, after a short consultation period, the government appointed Soppymallard to the post as the UK���s roving ambassador. Much like the celebrities who the UN picks for such roles, it was impressed upon Soppymallard that he was not there actually to do anything, especially not anything worthwhile. So, these days Soppymallard only attends these conferences to make up the numbers and give the world���s media something to point their cameras and microphones at.

A recent government review of the post has shown that for once a British government has done something right. Perhaps for the first time ever, at least since the initial creation of the NHS. The research proved that – since his appointment – Soppymallard has done precisely nothing and committed the UK government to doing absolutely nothing. Meanwhile, Soppymallard has spent his time at these conferences talking complete and utter bollocks in a way that makes him look as though these jaunts actually contribute something to world governance.

Many observers hope that this lesson from Soppymallard will seep through into the rest of government and that the remainder of the politicians will likewise try their hardest to stop doing things.

And, for that we would all be profoundly grateful.

Social Media – A New Offence

The UK���s leading celebrity truck driver, Footpump Marginalrate, shot to social media fame last weekend. It happened when he issued a rather unfeeling tweet about the limited number of baked beans he discovered on his toast at a fashionable late night trendy transport caf�� in the metropolitan region.

His tweet, along with his smartphone photographic evidence, claimed that he counted only 97 baked beans on two slices of toast. Several other Twitter users immediately condemned Marginalrate as elitist and out of touch. However, he did gather some support from the Friends of the Traditional Transport Cafe Society (FTTCS). This organisation has long been campaigning for a return to placing the traditional British transport caf�� at the heart of metropolitan cultural life.

The FTTCS group initially formed to fight against the encroachment upon the traditional transport caf�����s territory by trendy coffee cafes and latterly the newly fashionable metropolitan transport cafes. All of which take the traditional idea of the transport caf��: the fry up, the half-pint mug of strong tea, historical sauce bottles and so on, and update them for the urban trendies that populate the metropolitan areas of our cities. Often by making the cafes more suited to the pseudo-sophisticated palates of the hip and fashionable. They do this with colour supplement and foodie website-friendly dishes never seen in a traditional transport caf��. Sometimes the new trendy eateries go as far as having more than the two classic sauces of red and brown, sometimes even drizzling everything with a compote or jus.

However, Marginalrate is the UK���s leading celebrity truck driver, and star of many documentary series on both truck driving and the UK and European road systems. Therefore, Marginalrate Is regarded as something of an expert on the gastronomical delights of the world���s authentic transport cafes. Consequently, in his forthcoming new TV series for C3.142, he investigates this new foodie and fashionista craze. Marginalrate says it is more what they would like to think a transport caf�� would be like, rather than the authentic and traditional transport caf�� of yore. That is if any of them ever dared venture beyond the safety of the M25.

As the programme���s producers intended, Marginalrate was far from impressed with this fashionable foodie version of the traditional transport caf��. So his disparaging remarks about the number of baked beans on his toast is a complaint not without some foundation. Not only that ��� as many have also reported – the toast was not thick-sliced white as tradition demands, but handmade home-baked granary. Moreover, the beans were hand-reared artisan beans in a tomato compote and not the traditional baked beans out of a tin that he was expecting. To many transport caf�� traditionalists, this was more than enough to justify Marginalrate���s outrage that ��� in turn – sparked the outrage that fuelled this latest social media storm.

Many of the outraged tweets and ��� later ��� Facebook comments ��� accused Marginalrate of snobbery and a traditional, if not racist, attitude to the transport caf��. It was ���an attitude that belonged to the 1950s, not the 21st century��� as one outraged Twitter commenter said.

However, despite the shock, horror and outrage that his comments have generated, several other commentators have expressed the belief that Marginalrate should not be condemned out of hand for his unfeeling and hurtful remarks. Many cite the fact that traditional non-artisan baked beans are in a slow decline, even in traditional cafes and eateries. They say that the traditional transport cafe is a vital part of the UK���s cultural heritage and should not be lost to a whim of fashion.

However, the government in response to this latest social media outrage have promised legislation to prevent the online disparagement of any foodstuff. In particular ���to prevent the deliberate hurt and harm that these cruel unthinking remarks can cause��� as a government spokesman said at the press conference announcing the likelihood of such new legislation after the forthcoming election.

 

Those Old Stories

Out there, in the wastelands, lie the remains of the cities the gods built. At least, according to the legends, the gods built them. The old ones, at night around our fires, tell us the stories their old ones told them when they were young. These are the stories of the gods who lived here long before us. They built great cities that reached up to the sky. They became immortal and could fly through the air and run faster than the fastest deer. They could speak, and appear, to each other across vast distances. Not only that, the old gods could wreak terrible destruction on each other and the poor mortals who trembled beneath them.

These are stories, of course. Some of them might be true.

Occasionally, we discover, one way or another, various incomprehensible objects, withered or rusted with age. We take them to the old ones for explanation, and they – almost invariably – tell us that the object we have found was something the gods made, back in their age.

These are stories too.

We have no way of telling if the old ones are speaking the truth. I have looked into the eyes of Antone as he held one of these rusted objects in his hands. He turned it over and over as if expecting to see some way into the mysteries it contained. It was too ancient to make any sense of, a rusty blob of metal, nothing more. But, Antone proclaimed it to be the work of the gods.

Drella, sitting next to me, grinned and reached out to touch my arm, her fingers hesitating just above my skin.

Antone watched her until she withdrew her hand and placed it back in her lap. He stared at Drella, I could see what he was thinking, her warm body shone in the sunlight and we both, Antone and me, could feel the young heat from it. I smiled because Drella had been promised to me and now I���d found an artefact from the old gods.

Eventually, Antone spoke. ���The old gods have given a sign that they bless your union.��� Antone stood and showed the rusted lump to the rest of the tribe. They cheered.

Drella took my hand, as custom allowed. Antone turned to us, holding out the rusty object towards us on the palms of his hands.

���You shall go together.��� he said to us, using the ritual words. ���You will go to the wastelands and take this offering the old gods have entrusted to you to show us all they have faith in you and your union.���

We held out our hands to receive it together.

Antone placed the thing in our hands. ���Take it and go��� as man and wife. Return the holy relic to the wasteland and the old gods���. Then, when you return, you will be blessed and ready to begin married life together for the rest of your days.

The tribe cheered as I muttered ���if we return,��� under my breath.

Drella was beaming at me. We kissed as the ritual dictated and then set off together, the object in my pack, to see if those old stories really were true.

 

England and International Sporting Success

Obviously, there was some concern at the start of play that the opposing team would use the unseasonal weather to their own advantage. However, as we all know, the British are a resilient people and the changeable weather was not enough to put the English side off their game. After all, such a slight change in the temperature of the drizzle more usually denotes the change of season into the day of summer back in the British team���s own country.

It was a tight game, of course, as all matches at this level are. This is especially true considering the English team have yet to lose a game on home turf. However, they have yet to win one either. Some sports correspondents in the media had questioned the coach���s plan for the English team to bring their home turf with them to this international tournament. But on this occasion many of them conceded afterwards that it was a good idea, despite most of the players managing to leave their own portion of turf on the team coach for several of the early training sessions.

Anyway, as the match progressed, several of the English players were hampered by the fact that they had to carry a small section of turf with them about on the pitch. Still, though, most did perform with the bare adequacy we���ve come to expect from an on-form English side.

However, there was enough general incompetence in the side to keep English fans satisfied in their disdain for the national team. Especially down the back straight where several of England���s defenders were caught offside and penalised by the umpire. The umpire had hidden behind an advertising hoarding for a brief and evidently unsatisfactory dalliance with one of the cheerleaders from the opposing team and caught the players in an offside position as he re-emerged a minute later.

However, the English side did manage to score, which is unusual enough for an English team. Consequently, the next day���s UK tabloids were confidently predicting that an English team make the last eight. Some of the newspapers suggested that the team could even manage to get to a semi-final for the first time since the Beatles last had a number one single. A couple of the bolder tabloids claimed the England side could also go through and possibly win the cup, despite yet having to win a match. As one reporter commented, with the team yet to decide which goal they were supposed to be defending.

However, despite the early initial hopes, the English team did not do too well in their following two matches in the group stages. Despite the Japanese side being regarded as one of the weakest teams in the tournament, the English team only managed to score six runs, one touchdown and an own goal. Scoring the home goal when one of their defenders saw a TV camera zooming in on him and he stopped to wave to his mum back home.

In the next match, against an in-form Canadian aside, the English managed a credible draw, by completing the first stage a good 0.0009 of a second faster than the Canadian team. The Canadians also managed to get a double fault on their first serve, despite the English team still finishing their second half tea break before changing ends.

Still the English team did well against the top international side, Iceland, in their final group match. The England team only losing by a new world record score of 104 runs, three miles and a well-executed apple crumble.

So the English team, as usual, came home far too early after failing to even get to the knockout stages of yet another international competition. However, sports fans are confident that when the tournament comes around again in four years��� time the English team has every chance of winning it.

That is if this time, they remember to turn up.