David Hadley's Blog, page 64
July 27, 2015
A Dire Threat to the Entire Political system
Ungulate Tramdepot first rose to almost total obscurity in the UK as a backbench member of parliament. Due to his complete inability to do anything useful or worthwhile, he soon achieved promotion to the cabinet. However, no long after this Tramdepot was expelled from the government, as well as both parliament and his own party when he was convicted of bringing the Houses of Parliament into serious disrepute.
Tramdepot was tried and found guilty of the most heinous crime in politics when a tabloid undercover sting operation discovered he had once printed the truth in a local election leaflet. As most people know, there is nothing more damning in the eyes of parliament and amongst politicians as this severe breach of parliamentary etiquette. As one fellow MP said at the time of Tramdepot’s arrest, ‘if we all started to tell the truth, where would it end?’
‘Telling the truth,’ the Prime Minister at the time said, ‘is a very dangerous thing to do.’ When he defended his swift action of leaving Tramdepot in post in the cabinet as Minister for Counting the Spoons at Cabinet Meetings for a mere 18 months. All while the government continually dismissed, ignored, ridiculed, threatened legal action and then finally accepted the newspaper’s claims. The Prime Minister then had little choice but to accept Tramdepot’s resignation from the government, at least until as the PM himself said ‘all this blows over.’
Usually, of course, ordinary people traditionally ignore politicians until the go away again. However, the voters of Tramdepot’s constituency demanded that his local party take action over someone who so heinously broke with political tradition and told the truth.
The BBC News sent a team of 12 reporters, 17 political correspondents, 34 political editors and 23 Newsreaders to the otherwise peaceful constituency to cover the event, and claim overnight and travel expenses. As one local voter told the BBC News team ‘What will happen in the future if politicians start telling the truth all the time?’
Political scientists and academics were quick to join in the condemnation of Tramdepot’s actions. Many claimed that a politician who told the truth could cause a collapse of faith in democracy. ‘If we start believing what these people say,’ one political journalist moaned. ‘Then people like me who make a good living out of pointing out what a bunch of lying mendacious bastards they are, will soon be out of work.’
Soon it seemed this one small act would like the expense scandal before it, would take the political world by storm. Not long after Tramdepot’s act of truth-telling was discovered, politicians in the EU demanded that the British government take action. The EU insisted the UK government made sure it never happened again. There was a fear among the political class around the EU that this act of truth-telling could bring down not only the UK’s political system but the whole EU. Other countries, such as the USA also expressed their concerns that any nation’s politicians that told the truth to their electorates could totally undermine the Western political system entirely.
Consequently, until the UK political scene was back to normal, the world’s politicians demanded the UK be kept in quarantine from the rest of the world’s politicians. There was a very real fear that the truth-telling contagion could spread beyond the UK. French farmers immediately blockaded channel ports in fear that the political honesty could spread to the Continent and threaten their way of life and their massive subsidies.
In the end, Tramdepot was forced to leave politics in disgrace. He ended up doing the only job he could get and began working for the BBC in a leading executive capacity. For the BBC is the only national institution in the UK with enough expertise and ability to deal with this problem. Usually by completely ignoring the truth whenever they stumble across it.
Filed under: Celebrities, current affairs, Events, Ideology, Law And Order, media, Places, politics, Popular Culture, Secrets, Society, Tales of the Unexpurgated, The EU, Time Tagged: comedy, funny, humor, humour
July 24, 2015
The Olympic Level Competitive Orgy
Tetrahedron Weaselspanner is probably the world’s leading exponent of the Immanent Cheese Gambit in the 100-Metres Freestyle Olympic Class Orgy.
As many orgy-going regulars know even at an amateur or even Inter-village level knows, the half-time snacks are a crucial part of any competitive orgy. Consequently, the tactical use of the cheese, and – if the occasion warrants it – the placement if the cucumber sandwiches, can be vital or gaining a post-tea break advantage. Especially when the teams come out to change ends after the third half of the ninth quarter.
Weaselspanner as a well-seasoned (usually with vinaigrette dressing) orgy contender is well used to such considerations. This is especially the case in international orgy fixtures where the cheese itself can be anything from a French Brie to a Dutch Edam. It may even that strange yellow substance that the Americans once claimed was cheese, subsequently banned from international level competitive orgies as an illegal substance, along – of course – with peanut butter.
This, of course, left the American orgy squads to withdraw from the last Olympic Orgies claiming unfair discrimination against their teams. Instead, they set up the World Orgy Series where American orgy teams only play with each other and ignore the rest of the world.
Of course, these days the world’s leading orgy squads mainly come from the Scandinavian countries. There is a trend for teams from usually cold countries do well at the orgy sports as they are used to cuddling up together to get warm. They are also used to coping with errant elbows, knees and inconvenient toes. They also learn at an early age, with an almost instinctive ability, to duck or shift the vulnerable erogenous zones whenever a wild elbow or free moving knee is about to strike.
However, Weaselspanner’s excellent tactical skills and strategic understanding of the orgy pitch have boosted the UK team’s performances. That, allied to his deep understanding of the psychology of cheese desire, has helped the UK team move several places up the international league table over the last few seasons. The UK team almost reached the top of the world league last season. It was only kept out of the final rounds of the Olympic matches last year by a very in-form Canadian team. The Canadian team used the vol-au-vents with such withering accuracy that seven of the UK team needed to be substituted after suffering orgasmic exhaustion because of the lightness of the Canadian pastry.
However, since taking over the captaincy, Weaselspanner has concentrated not only on the half-time snacks, but also the use of the surprise pineapple in the opposition’s penalty box. Something that can easily turn the tide of an entire match, especially if used to flank the defenders and the pineapple is used whole.
So it will be very interesting to see how the British team perform in the upcoming Five Nations Orgies. In particular, in their first match against the French. Of course, the French are excellent at the use of the surprise long lunch break. Nevertheless, many feel that these days the Camembert and even the Brie of the traditional French lunch is no match for a good British cheese. So we can only wait until the weekend to see if British competitive orgying is once more back at the top of its game.
Filed under: Celebrities, Cheese, Culture, current affairs, Entertainment, Events, Food, Games, Health And Safety, Moments, Places, Popular Culture, Sex, Society, Sport, Tales of the Unexpurgated, Time Tagged: comedy, funny, humor, humour
July 22, 2015
Heavy Metal Knitwear
Tangential Cheesespasm was originally the lead shouter in 1970s heavy metal knitwear sensation Satan’s Cardigans. Although, a short-lived musical movement, heavy metal knitwear has gone on to influence many modern bands and rock acts. It also created a whole new generation for whom cardigans, jumpers, pullovers and even the legendary tank top have become the uniform of rebellion.
Of course, knitwear is in some parts of the UK as a vital survival strategy. There are times, even in the northeast of the country, when a t-shirt is not enough. This is especially so on the chilly city backstreets, where the youngsters who create the best music of any generation hang out.
Obviously, the relationship between knitwear and folk music has a long and noble history, despite the accordions. So it would seem that the relationship between knitwear and other types of music, rock music, in particular, should always be significant.
However, heavy metal was long associated with its stereotypical uniform of jeans and leather jackets. Even though many bands – as good middle and upper-class boys – did find they felt uncomfortable in such clothing. Especially when their parents chose it for them and daddy’s tailor did not tend to carry the requisite items of studded leatherwear.
There was also the problem of a fundamental incompatibility between knitwear in general and the metal studs that heavy metal adherents thought necessary. They believed it essential to festoon every item of clothing with as many metal studs as possible to be a proper heavy metal fan. This, of course, caused several problems over the years. This practice often resulted in many visits to A&E by heavy metal fans who found that the metal studs in their underwear caused far more problems than they originally envisaged.
However, Satan’s Cardigans decided to break with heavy metal musical tradition and eschew the metal studs altogether. They still had the heavy guitar riffs, the ponderous drumming and typically dark heavy metal lyrics. However, they combined this with some of the most brightly patterned knitwear ever seen, beyond even a 1960s hippie knitter’s wildest acid trips.
Of course, this meant that at the beginning of their career, Satan’s Cardigans found it very difficult to get any gigs. They also lacked any critical support in the music papers. In those early days, they often struggled to get more than two groupies each (and one of those was the drummer’s grandmother). However, under the control of Cheesespasm and the band’s lead guitarist Splunge Ampstack, Satan’s Cardigans managed to produce some of the best heavy metal songs and choicest knitwear of the era. At least since Val Doonican recorded some sessions with Black Sabbath, which resulted in the No. 1 hit single: Paddy McGinty’s War Pig.
Soon knitwear became fashionable at heavy metal gigs with cardigans taking over from leather jackets in the audiences, along with scarves and woolly hats. Eventually, even the once-derided tank tops made a return to the wardrobe of the young and fashionable.
In retrospect, it looks as though Satan’s Cardigans use of knitwear to distinguish them from other heavy metal bands was a stroke of genius. Their revolutionary approach was rewarded, especially on Cheesespasm’s part, when he was voted Cardigan Wearer of the Year, in 1977. That same year the band featured on the covers of several of that year’s most influential knitting patterns.
However, it all ended with catastrophe for Satan’s Cardigans. Their third album went a little too far down the experimental route, alienating and leaving their fans behind. For this album, they tried exploring the possibility of combining heavy metal not only with cardigans, but with pipes and slippers too.
Unfortunately, it was an experiment too far. Later that year the band split as post-punk and disco took over the music scene, changing it all forever.
Filed under: arts, Celebrities, Culture, Entertainment, Events, History, media, Moments, music, Places, Popular Culture, rock music, Society, Tales of the Unexpurgated, Time Tagged: comedy, funny, humor, humour
July 20, 2015
Twisting the Night Away
‘What is it?’ I said, already thinking I knew the answer.
‘It’s a carpet.’
‘Hmm….’
‘A magic carpet!’
‘Bollocks!’
‘It is… honestly… would I lie to y…. Well, it is a magic carpet. Not a word of a lie.’
‘What, you mean flying…? All that Arabian Nights stuff?’
‘Yes.’
‘Bollocks!’
‘Come on, then?’
‘What?’
‘Outside….’
‘I’m not going to fight you about it. If you want to think you’ve got a magic carpet… well, that’s fine with me…. I’ll just be off.’
‘No, not that. I’m going to show you….’
‘Show me what?’ I’d heard rumours about this strange little shop.
‘Come on,’ he said. ‘I’ll prove to you that it is a magic carpet.’
Continues here at Wattpad.
Filed under: Entertainment, Events, Fantasy, Fear, Fiction, Free, Journeys, Night, Places, Possibilities, Secrets, Short Story, Sky, Society, Time Tagged: fantasy, free fiction, humour, SF, speculative fiction
The First Lesson
Perhaps…, he thought. He tried it. Yes! There was something, definitely a tingle in the fingers. Or was it something else? RSI? Cramp? Blerg was no longer sure. He looked down at the crudely hand-printed sheet with the impressive drawings of wizards in pointy hats and robes. All wielding their staffs with sparks and lightning bolts manifesting creatures and smiting enemies. He sighed. Of course, it didn’t look quite as impressive as the small advert in the back of his newssheet had hinted at. Still, it looked quite good later on. If only he could get the hang of the basics. He stared at the cover illustration of the well-endowed – very well-endowed – princess (you could tell she was a princess by the discreet crown almost lost in her flowing locks). She was about to be rescued by a handsome and well-built young wizard battling with the fierce dragon that had kidnapped her. On the whole, Blerg was not sure how many princesses needed to be rescued from dragons. Nor if his magical talent – or, at the moment, possible magical tingle in the fingertips – would be up to rescuing a princess anyway. He turned back to lesson one and tried to get his hands into something resembling the illustration. He took up the stance: Right leg forward, right hand above the head as though he was bowling a rather effete spinner to a batsman standing less that a stride in front of him. Then he did the thing with the wrist that the instruction said. He tried it slowly at first, then faster and faster. There was something there. Blerg did the final flourish and his candle fell over. He’d done it. Or had it been a draught from the window? Or a cart passing by in the street below? His wrist ached now, if anything even more than when he couldn’t stop thinking about his landlord’s daughter. Or – rather more disturbingly – the landlord’s overly-buxom wife with her filthy laugh and loudly-voiced fascination with male anatomy… well, with parts of it anyway. Blerg righted the candle and had a glance at Exercise Two, which seemed to involve a lot more strain on the wrists than Exercise One. He decided to try it. He concentrated on getting the spell right under his breath, practising it over and over again. Then he tried the hand gestures. He’d read the warning at the start of the correspondence course about not doing the gestures and the spell together at the same time until he was ready, but he didn’t think that mattered. There was a scream outside the window and the sound of a cart crash. Blerg turned in mid-gesture as the last syllables left his lips. He stared. It worked. It worked! He could do magic. Although, he realised with a sudden jolt back to reality, he would have to pay for the damage to the curtains. First, though, he should really see about putting the fire out before the whole inn was ablaze. But he could do it! He was a wizard at last. Probably….
Filed under: arts, Education, Events, Fantasy, Fiction, Fragments, Health And Safety, Moments, Mystery, Places, Possibilities, Secrets, SF, Society, Time Tagged: fantasy, fiction, SF, wizardry, writing
July 17, 2015
Latest Celebrity Disease Outbreak
July 15, 2015
When It is Over
July 14, 2015
A Breakthrough in Political Theory
July 13, 2015
Morning Sun
The Echo of His Absence
