Nicky Blue's Blog, page 70

Monty Python Book Giveaway Signed By Michael Palin!

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Keeping Your Creativity Flowing

I get emails from other creatives asking me what tools I use to keep my creativity flowing. I thought I would put a resources page together for you to keep your creativity flowing! These are some of the resources that pump me full of electricity, inspire me to sit down and get writing.

The Artist’s Way: A Spiritual Path To Higher Creativity  This book is a classic and one of my favourites by far. It is a self-help book by an American author called Julia Cameron. The book is very easy to follow and aimed at removing artistic blocks and developing self-confidence. It’s devised as a 12-week course for people to work through alone or in groups. It’s a very effective system of exercises to get your creativity flowing. I did this course with a group of friends and found it very fruitful.

Big Magic: Creative Living Beyond Fear This book is a game changer. Elizabeth Gilbert shares her insights into creativity in a very down to earth way. She confronts the image of ‘the suffering artist’ – and shows us it doesn’t have to be that way. She teaches by example with stories from her own life. Elizabeth suggests creative ways to develop our curiosity, embrace what we love and love and release our deepest fears. I had her audio-book on loop for a month! (I should get out more.)

Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead by Brené Brown is perhaps the single piece of work that has moved me more than everything. The pressure we can build around our creativity can be intense. Is my work good enough to show the world? What if no one likes what I do? How would I cope with the rejection? We can spend our time trying to shield ourselves from vulnerability. Brené turns this picture on it’s head in the most profound fashion. “We associate vulnerability with emotions we want to avoid such as fear, shame, and uncertainty. Yet we too often lose sight of the fact that vulnerability is also the birthplace of joy, belonging, creativity, authenticity, and love.”

Creative Quest by Questlove  –  QuestLove rocks….this is just a fact. What he brings to the table in this arena is overwhelming. This is a blue print for living your best creative self. He looks at subjects such as, what creativity means,  mentoring and being an apprentice,  contemporary culture, creative networking and much more. I defy anyone to read this and not feel inspired to create something. If you read no other book on creativity, read this.

(These are Amazon affiliate links, which means I earn a very small commission if you use them. There’s absolutely no extra cost to you and it enables me to write blog articles and manage my website.)

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How To Develop Creative Receptivity

‘The conscious mind may be compared to a fountain playing in the sun and falling back into the great subterranean pool of subconscious from which it rises.’ — Sigmund Freud

When I lapse in dedicating time to developing creativity in my life, I end up becoming very driven by reactive thinking. What I mean by this is, my thinking process seems to get governed by existing ideas, prejudices and familiar anecdotes. It feels as though I am mainly operating at the level of the conscious mind. An assumption arises that ‘I’ am in control of the creative process. I have these ideas in my head, which I manically splurge onto a page. This can be productive in getting things done but I find it can produce quite mediocre work. Aspiration for creativity is that it taps into something much deeper. When I give time to my developing my creative process, I realise this is very possible.

There are of course, days when creativity flows through me and there seem to be no limits to my productivity. I kid myself life will always be like this. Then one fateful morning, I wake up and sit in front of the computer and nothing, diddly squat. It feels as if I don’t have a creative bone in my body. It took many cycles of this to admit to myself an obvious truth. The creative process takes work, dedication and time. It is an investment I have to make in order reap the rewards later down the line.

‘Creativity is the process of bringing something new into being. Creativity requires passion and commitment. It brings to our awareness what was previously hidden and points to new life. The experience is one of heightened consciousness: ecstasy.’ — Rollo May.

A lotus will not produce flowers without the right amount of light, water and nutrients. Similarly, we need the right conditions for our creativity to bloom. Where I wanted to focus my attention, is the place that lies at the basis of all artistic endeavours, creative receptivity. I spent a long time experimenting with different creative exercises and spiritual techniques. After a while it became apparent to me there were some common themes to building creative receptivity. I have grouped these themes into three stages:

1.Calm Your Mind: Another way of putting this could be, get out of the way. This taps into what we know about spiritual practice. In most spiritual traditions, wisdom insight and inspiration arise from the basis of a calm mind. Whether that is prayer or meditation, Tai Chi or affirmation. Whatever our practice, if we can learn to quiet the everyday chatter of the mind, we can start to access something deeper. For me it is meditation, I have been practising for around 20 years. I go on meditation retreats every year and find it a great way to process what’s going on for me. I find 20 minutes in the morning a great way to build calm and spaciousness. I don’t always do it but I certainly notice the difference when I do. I love this quote by Jascha Heifetz.

‘If I don’t practice one day, I know it; two days, the critics know it; three days, the public knows it.’

See your practice as a gift to yourself. It’s so easy to stop doing a spiritual or creative practice if the results are not immediate or obvious. Remind yourself how wisdom and inspiration can slowly and subtly pervade your life. You just need to show up and be open to the process.

‘You need not leave your room. Remain sitting at your table and listen. You need not even listen, simply wait, just learn to become quiet, and still, and solitary. The world will freely offer itself to you to be unmasked. It has no choice; it will roll in ecstasy at your feet.’ — Franz Kafka

This then can become self-propelling process, the more we invite creativity into our lives, the more we can start to tune into a state of presence. This, in turn, inspires further creativity. It is quite common for artists to find themselves in highly absorbed states when working. The psychologist Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi, describes these states ‘Flow’ and identifies artistic pursuit as one way to attain it.

‘Being completely involved in an activity for its own sake. The ego falls away. Time flies. Every action, movement, and thought follows inevitably from the previous one, like playing jazz. Your whole being is involved, and you’re using your skills to the utmost.’ 

2.Set Your Intention: Ask yourself for what you want. I don’t mean a Rolls Royce! I mean a missing piece of a story you are writing or a key component to how you need to restructure your business. When I first started doing this I must admit, it felt a little strange. But guess what? The questions always seem to get answered. Now it feels like the most natural process in my life. The unconscious is always working in the background. Studies in the fields of both neuroscience and psychology are constantly refining and illuminating how this process works. Depending on your spiritual and philosophical beliefs you may have to go out on a limb to start with here. But if you try it with an open mind, you’ll be amazed by the results.

‘Never go to sleep without a request to your subconscious.’ —Thomas Edison

3.Trust and Determination: last but not least we need to trust in the process. There is nothing like doubt to muddy the water. I’m not saying you should blind faith in what you do but rather be open and stick with a practice for at least six months. Set a date in your diary and try not to judge results until then. Make a determination to always do your practice. Just like you wouldn’t want to let a friend down for a meeting, don’t let yourself down. The more we can train this psycho-physical organism to a routine the easier it becomes. Research suggests we can form new habits in around 66 days at which point we are not struggling to continue with that activity.

The more I develop these three aspects of my emotional and spiritual life, the more I am rewarded with creative inspiration. I wish the same perseverance and the same rewards for you.

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Anarchy in the U.K.

I called Ella, I had to speak to someone, I was going out of my mind.

‘How did it go?’

‘She was sweet,funny,cool and just sweet.

‘That’s exciting, when are you seeing her again?’

‘Nothing planned yet, I told her to get in touch if she wants to see me again. I’ve been struggling to be honest. It’s been so hard for me to get my confidence back since…’

‘I know honey, just take it slowly.’

‘Who am I kidding, she’ll soon see me for what I am, I should cut it off now.’

‘Come on now, if it’s meant to be, it will happen, but whatever you do don’t contact her first, let her come to you.’

‘I’m not sure I’m cut out for this dating game.’

I hung up the phone and jumped in the shower, I have my upholstery class tonight. I’ve got to present my latest project to the group. It is an old rocking chair I’ve covered in tartan, zips and safety pins. I call it my ‘Punk Rocker’. I put my forehead to the shower wall, the scolding water on the back of my neck was bliss, loosening the gnarled muscles and numbing the anxiety for a while.

                                      Brighton Upholstery

 

I was late for class, I couldn’t focus, Samantha’s face felt like it had been burnt into my mind’s eye, her words looping inside me like she was sown into my inner monologue. How long will she wait to contact me? What if she’s out with someone else? Should I send her a message? What if she doesn’t answer?

My boss has been in my face again today, he says my eye is off the ball. It’s a fucking call centre, does he really think I’m in any way motivated? I just need to get through to next month, then I’ll hand in my notice, go self-employed with the upholstery. It’s time I did something I want for a change.

It’s been four days, she’s not getting back in touch now is she? I still can’t get her out my mind though. When I closed my eyes in bed last night I could picture her cheeky smile and mousy hair falling into her eyes. She’s fucking gorgeous …how can I shake free of her? It’s like an illness.

Today’s Friday, I left my phone at home ‘cause I’ve been itching to text her. I’ve left the whole weekend free just in case. We’ve been told to go for the jugular today which in plain speak means selling people insurance they can’t afford and will never need. I hate this job.

I took an hours toil to get home early. My front door was unlocked, I never forget to lock it, just shows where my head’s at. Walking down my hallway my heart was going crazy, my phone was in the kitchen on the breakfast bar. It was the longest walk down my hallway I’ve ever taken. Sickly bile in the pit of my stomach is fighting its way up my alimentary canal, I’m a mess and I feel stupid for feeling this way.

                                                              rawpixel.com

 

Please let there be a text… please. I picked up the phone, my hand was shaking, I swiped the ivory screen which was dripping wet but it lit up like a winning lottery ticket.

‘New message from Samantha.’

I punched the air…Yes!…thank you, thank you!

I clicked open his text, there were no words, just an attachment with a picture.

‘Click to open attachment’

I pressed the link and waited for the picture to slowly download.

It was a picture of Samantha naked, legs spread with a phone sticking out of her…

‘My phone! What the fuck.’

I dropped the phone and ran for the door as I noticed something else.

She was sitting on tartan.

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Signed Christopher Moore ‘Noir’ Novel Giveaway!

The absurdly outrageous, sarcastically satiric, and always entertaining New York Times bestselling author Christopher Moore returns in finest madcap form with this zany noir set on the mean streets of post-World War II San Francisco, and featuring a diverse cast of characters, including a hapless bartender; his Chinese sidekick; a doll with sharp angles and dangerous curves; a tight-lipped Air Force general; a wisecracking waif; Petey, a black mamba; and many more

San Francisco. Summer, 1947. A dame walks into a saloon . . .

It’s not every afternoon that an enigmatic, comely blonde named Stilton (like the cheese) walks into the scruffy gin joint where Sammy “Two Toes” Tiffin tends bar. It’s love at first sight, but before Sammy can make his move, an Air Force general named Remy arrives with some urgent business. ’Cause when you need something done, Sammy is the guy to go to; he’s got the connections on the street. Meanwhile, a suspicious flying object has been spotted up the Pacific coast in Washington State near Mount Rainer, followed by a mysterious plane crash in a distant patch of desert in New Mexico that goes by the name Roswell. But the real weirdness is happening on the streets of the City by the Bay. When one of Sammy’s schemes goes south and the Cheese mysteriously vanishes, Sammy is forced to contend with his own dark secrets—and more than a few strange goings on—if he wants to find his girl. Think Raymond Chandler meets “Men in Black” with more than a dash of the Looney Tunes All Stars. It’s all very, very Noir. It’s all very, very Christopher Moore.

 

This giveaway is being organised by fantasy author Nicky Blue (nickyblue.com) Anyone over 18 can enter. The only condition for entry is to join my Readers List. I never spam and only send out emails once a month. You can unsubscribe at any time. You may want to hang around though as I have tendencies to run book giveaways even give some of my own books away! What am I thinking?

This giveaway is for a signed hardback copy of  ‘Noir’ Christopher Moore’s latest novel out soon.

The winner is chosen by at random by virtual machines a.k.a the software hosting this giveaway ‘Simple Giveaways.’ It is impossible to influence it by any form of wizardry,voodoo or black hat shenanigans.

 

Enter Giveaway Here

 

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How To Develop Your Creative Thinking

“Every child is an artist, the problem is staying an artist when you grow up.”– Pablo Picasso

You might be thinking that you’re just not creative, that you weren’t born that way, or it doesn’t come easily. In the past you might have been labelled a left-brain thinker, meaning you were stronger at logical, analytical thinking, and weaker on creative, artistic thinking.

However, with the development of modern brain imaging technology and testing, neuroscientists are beginning to dispel the myth that creativity is higher in right-brain thinkers. In fact, scientists now believe that many parts of the brain influence creativity and do not involve a single side or single part of the brain.

What’s more, research shows that creativity can be taught. In 1968, George Land conducted a landmark research study of 1,600 children aged 3 to 5 years old, using the same test NASA used to select innovative engineers and scientists. He re-tested the same children at 10 years and then at 15 years. The results were amazing.

Test results amongst 5 year olds: 98% scored highly in creative thinking.

Test results amongst 10 year olds: 30% scored highly in creative thinking.

Test results amongst 15 year olds: 12% scored highly in creative thinking.

Same test given to 280,000 adults: 2% scored highly in creative thinking.

The conclusion? Non-creative behaviour is learned. Therefore, creativity can be learned. There’s a great TED Talk that George did on his research you can find here. So, what does this mean for you? The good news is that with the right techniques and practice you can develop your creative thinking. With that in mind, here are some ways to get your creative juices flowing.

Allow the right space for creativity

It’s important to have the right physical space, and be in the right head space for creativity. Make your creative space inspirational and relatively clear of clutter, but not so bare that you feel devoid of inspiration. Researchers at the Princeton University Neuroscience Institute found that a messy, cluttered environment can make it harder to focus and process information. But some of the most creative geniuses of our time like Albert Einstein, Steve Jobs and Mark Zuckerberg created best in messy environments. The trick is to find what works for you. Make a creative space that helps you strike a balance between being productive and being creative, and you’re on your way to developing your creative flow.

Allow time for creativity

Make the time to create something every day. Start by choosing a time when you know you do your best work. You might be a morning person and work best in the early hours. Or, you might be a night owl and have a burst of energy in the evening. Play around with it, and once find your creative sweet spot, build it into your daily routine.

You also need to allow yourself enough time to create without pressure. Pressure, whether time-based or emotional, stifles creativity.

The key is to create every day. Whether you’re inspired or not, just create.

Recognize and Work with your Emotional Blocks

It’s hard to be very productive when you’re feeling emotionally turbulent. Start recognising and working with your emotions. Some ways to do this are through meditation, therapy, exercise and spending time in nature. You need to experiment with this and find what works for you. I find exercise can really serve to clear my mind and meditation helps me process emotional issues. According to an article by Psychology Today, Albert Einstein came up with the Theory of Relativity while riding a bicycle. So, get moving to remove those blocks. Please don’t take this to mean you need to be perfectly adjusted in order to create. Some of my best ideas have come to me when I have been at my most vulnerable.

“Vulnerability is the birthplace of innovation, creativity and change.”

― Brené Brown

Believe In Yourself.

We are all unique and as such have a unique perspective on the world. Share it! Other’s will be interested. Don’t compare what you have created with others work . They say comparison is the thief of joy, but it’s much worse than that it’s the thief of everything. If I compared my writing to that of Ernest Hemingway I wouldn’t be able to get out of bed in the mornings.

“The worst enemy to creativity is self-doubt.”

― Sylvia Plath.

Do inspirational things

Finding inspiration in life is essential to your creative development. After all, what is creative thinking if not exploration? Get out-side in nature and absorb yourself in your surroundings, practice mindfulness, or daydream and let your thoughts wander.

Inspiration can also come from trying things you’ve never done before. Step outside your comfort zone and try something you never thought you could do, like painting a seascape, abseiling or running a marathon.

Listening to music that moves you, brainstorming new ideas for a project, journal writing, watching a TED talk online or reading an autobiography by someone inspirational are all ways to get inspired.

In everything that you do, open your mind and you will open yourself to new creative possibilities.

Write, don’t type

In this age of computers and technology, writing is becoming a thing of the past. But hand writing could stimulate creative thought. There are many studies that show that handwriting fires up different parts of the brain to typing. Hand writing is important for brain development and cognition. What’s more, writing by hand slows you down and forces you to think more about what it is you need to write. It’s the reason why famous authors, like Stephen King and J.K Rowling prefer to write their novels long-hand. There is a great exercise called ‘Free Writing’ which is a very useful tool for finding new ideas. You can read about it in another article I wrote ‘The Secret To New Ideas’

“Everybody is talented because everybody who is human has something to express.” ― Brenda Ueland

When all else fails, it’s important to remember that creative ideas usually come when you least expect them. Practice the above and you’ll find your creative muscle getting stronger and stronger every day.

 

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The Secret to New Ideas.

Is this a magic trick?

Kinda no and kinda yes. let me explain. I’m going to show you a simple exercise, which if practiced diligently will teach you how to find wonderful new ideas. Ideas you never thought you were capable of and you’ll have no clue where they came from. The exercise is called ‘Free Writing’ and I find it an incredible process for generating new work.

The purpose of ‘Free Writing’ is to ‘hitch your unconscious mind to your writing arm.’ — Dorothea Brande

The more you practice the exercise, the more it rewards you. I return to this practice more than any other when I’m stuck on a project or need a shift in perspective. I rate it so highly I would even go so far as to say it’s a gateway to accessing your muse. (ssh keep it quiet or everyone will have good ideas!) I find the quality of what comes up for me when I am doing this exercise much richer. Less self-conscious. I am not employing the same intentional thinking method that I normally use to direct my writing. It feels like I am by-passing that and tapping into something much deeper.

Shall we go through this together? OK lets begin.

Stage One

Flick through an interesting magazine or book (National Geographic works for me). When you get to an image that resonates with you in some way, stop. I find images a great way to access inspiration. It could be a landscape or culture I’m unfamiliar with, something that creates mystery or possibility.

Now set a timer for 10 minutes and write. Pen on paper. Use your image as your initial launch and then just go with what comes into your head. Whatever it is!

 

“The unconscious is shy, elusive, and unwieldy, but it is possible to tap it at will and even direct it.” — Dorothea Brande

So now you are writing. You realise, it’s not as easy as it sounds. In can be hard getting past the fierce regulating grip of the inner critic. When I started doing the exercise I had to be quite stubborn with myself to get through it. My inner critic kindly informed me what I’m doing was stupid, futile and useless.It gave me insight into how much my writing was plagued by a regulating judgemental force. The insight helped me dig deeper. I started writing down what my critic was saying until the insults exhausted themselves. I carried on. Most of what came up for me to start with was nonsense, however there was always a pearl to be found. It may only have been the germ of an idea but it was something that felt special. At the end of the 10 minutes stop writing, get yourself a well-deserved cup of coffee and relax. That’s great work!

“Sit down to write what you have thought, and not to think about what you shall write.” — William Cobbett

Stage Two

Now you have refueled, go back over what you have written and underline any interesting ideas, phrases that are worth developing. It might just be one or two words but they hook you in some way. Now set your timer for another 10 minutes and repeat Stage One using your new idea to launch with.

Watch your attitude towards the exercise.

I have found that experimenting with different ideas towards the exercise interesting to work with. Sometimes just a slight shift in the way I am relating to it can harvest different results. Here are some perspectives I play with.

Write as if your life depended on it.

Pretend you are the last person on the planet and you have to pass vital information to a new race of beings.

Forget you have standards.

Drop your guard.

Be unrestricted, unregulated.

Don’t do what you think you should do.

Don’t be concerned with writing something moral or clever.

Write like nobody’s watching, including yourself.

Get out of your own way.

Just let it flow.

Don’t do it for fame, glory or to achieve something brilliant.

“To gain your own voice, you have to forget about having it heard.”

— Allen Ginsberg.

Stage 3

Now take another short breather and go back over what you have written. Underline the parts that stand out. Put those ideas onto a blank page and see what comes up for you. How does it feel? What is your response? Now try to write 500 words without a timer developing the ideas and themes you have underlined. Don’t be discouraged if you don’t find the secret to the universe at the first attempt. Like all things practice is the key. Keep trying. Why not try this exercise for 10 days and see where you are at the end of that process? If your experience is anything like mine, you will surprise yourself! To find out about other ways to stimulate creative thinking, see my resource page here.

Dip in to the sea, to the sea of possibilities — Patti Smith

 

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Signed Robert Rankin Novel Giveaway!

 

I’m giving away Robert Rankin’s book ‘The Brentford Triangle’ – Signed by the author on the title page.

Anyone over the age of 18 can enter.

‘I should never have got up so early today and all over Brentford electrical appliances were beginning to fail…’ Could it be that Pooley and Omally, whilst engaged on a round of allotment golf, mistook laser-operated gravitational landing beams for the malignant work of Brentford Council?’

By entering you agree to join My Readers List. ( all email addresses are held in the strictest confidence and are not shared with anybody else.)

For Giveaway Terms and Privacy Policy please see giveaway page. This giveaway will end on 23/02/2018 

Good Luck!

JOIN GIVEAWAY

 

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Escape From Samsara

Copyright © 2017 Nicky Blue. All rights reserved.

This is a taster of my new novella ‘Escape From Samsara’. It’s a dark comedy fantasy adventure about a man who thinks he’s a deadly ninja. But He’s not. He’s Barry Harris and he still lives with his mum. I hope you enjoy!

Chapter 1. THE NIGHTMARE

‘The best ninja has no smell, leaves no name, and makes everyone wonder if he ever existed.’ — Master Tanba

Barry Harris unhooked his back support as he reached down to pick up his secateurs. On his way up, he made that strangled grunting noise that men in their fifties tend to make. He looked at the time and grumbled, ‘Three more bloody hours.’

He took off his beanie hat and used it to mop up the estuaries of sweat running from his armpits. Mrs Sharrod appeared at her back door.

‘How’s it going out here? Fancy a cuppa?’

‘Oh, I’d love one! I’ve got a throat like a rusty bagpipe.’

‘Have you got time to do my hedge and apple tree today too?’

Barry turned away, pretending to look for something as he gritted his teeth. ‘I should think so.’ This is no life for a ninja, he thought. I’m a shadow warrior, I should be training for special missions and hunting down terrorists, not doing this bullshit.

As Barry was hacking away at the hedge, he had the distinct feeling he was being watched — a ninja’s highly attuned sixth sense is very rarely mistaken about these things. He looked round and couldn’t see anyone but, as he continued, he realised there was a large pair of owl-like eyes staring at him from deep within the hedge.

‘Who the hell are you?’ asked Barry.

‘I’m Terry Watkins, better known as “Terry the Hedge”. Pleased to make your acquaintance, squire,’ came the reply.

‘I mean, what the hell are you doing in the middle of Mrs Sharrod’s hedge?’

‘Don’t get your Alan Whickers in a twist, me ol’ mucker. I’m not a real person, see. I’m an ethereal being from the other side. Basically, I’m yer all-singing, all-dancing cockney spiritual guide. I serve gardeners across the south of England and occasionally East Anglia when “Garry the Wheelbarrow” goes on the sick. Don’t get me started on that muppet though. He’s been mugging me off for centuries!’

‘Er… right. How come you just appeared like that?’

‘Whenever a gardener needs a bit of me wisdom, he cuts a hole in a hedge, and that’s me cue. Bosh! You are then looking at my boat race. You got me for three minutes, then I do one.’ Terry waggled his eyebrows up and down.

‘But I don’t have any problems,’ Barry replied cautiously as he stepped back from the hedge, wondering if too many fish fingers could cause hallucinations.

‘Everyone has at least one problem, and most people…put it like this: most people would kill to have just one problem.’

‘Maybe so, but I can solve my own problems, thanks very much.’

‘I hate to tell you this, mate, but solving your problems may take… how do I put it? A bit of lateral thinking. You may need to step outside of the conventional patterns and boundaries that normally govern your life,’ said Terry, sagely.

‘What, like getting self-help advice from a hedge, you mean?’

‘You may not realise it yet, mate, but one day you will consider talking to me a very good idea.’

‘Really? Until that day, I’ve got a great idea, why don’t you fuck off?’

A flash of green light ricocheted through the hedge as Terry’s big eyes vanished.

Mrs Sharrod reappeared holding a cup of tea and looking perplexed. ‘Who are you talking to, Barry?’

‘Oh, no one. I was just thinking aloud. Wonderful, a cuppa!’

‘Would you like a chocolate biscuit?’

‘No thanks. I just had a flare up of my irritable bowel. It’s wreaking havoc in the downstairs department. My mum’s told me to buy her a gas mask.’

‘Sounds like my husband,’ said Mrs Sharrod. ‘How’s your mum doing?’

‘She’s still getting her maudlin moments unfortunately. Been spending a lot of her time just staring out of our back window. I’m a bit worried about her, to be honest.’

‘Bless her. Is she still going to those heavy metal concerts?’

‘Yeah, that’s her one remaining joy in life really. It was Mindy, my sister, who used to play it all the time when we were growing up. I think it’s a way Mum can remember her. She went to see a band called Cradle Of Filth last month and has just bought tickets for Cannibal Corpse playing at the Brighton Dome soon. She spends most of her time hunting out obscure death metal bands on YouTube. For years, she’s tried to get me into it but it tends to make me a bit anxious. I prefer country music.’

Barry shared a cramped one-bedroom flat with his eighty-two-year-old mum, Molly, above the Astral Waves Hair Salon on Portslade High Street. Portslade was a small seaside town on the south coast of England where people lived if they couldn’t afford to be in the nearby city of Brighton. The proprietor of the hair salon was a delightful man by the name of Robbie Jarvis. Robbie, a 60s throwback, looked a bit like a wizard who had grown up in a septic tank: very groovy but best kept at arm’s length. It was very well known in Portslade that he had a penchant for the older woman, and I do mean older woman. If you hadn’t had at least one hip replaced, he simply wasn’t interested.

When Barry got back from work, Molly was sat at the kitchen table listening to Napalm Death at ear-splitting volume, doing a crossword puzzle, and picking her nose. A seamless display in the art of multi-tasking.

‘Konnichiwa, Mum.’

‘Hello, dear. Are you still learning Japanese?’

‘Yeah, I’ve got this app on my phone and I listen to it at work. I’m getting pretty good now.’

‘Your dad would be so proud.’ Molly got up and walked over to turn the music down. ‘Shall I put some fish fingers on for you?’

‘Thanks, Mum. I’m going out with Tom tonight to see a new ninja film.’ Barry ambled into the front room and slumped on the sofa. He and his mum got on pretty well considering the cramped living conditions. Due to the lack of space, Barry was forced to sleep on a 1980s sofa-bed which was an absolute ball ache to set up, especially after a long day’s gardening. He would have liked to leave it unfolded all the time but Molly didn’t have anywhere else to practice her yoga in the afternoons. She had rented an OAP yoga workout DVD from the library and had been trying to master the Tree and Locust poses over the past six months. She found the advantages of thirty minutes of exercise a day were less backache, improved hip flexibility, and clearer nasal passages. The downside was that it made her fart like a baboon on a forty-eight-hour banana bender.

Every morning at 6.30 on the button, Molly woke up in a cold sweat, screaming obscenities that would make Ozzy Osbourne blush. This had been happening since New Year’s Eve 1993, when she had seen an episode of Emmerdale where a plane had crashed into the village of Beckindale, killing four of Molly’s favourite characters. Life had become devoid of value from that point onwards. Incidentally, it was also the same day her husband and daughter had nipped out for a pint of milk and never returned.

Molly came into the front room with Barry’s fish fingers and sat down next to him.

‘Do you know what day it is today, Barry?’

‘No.’

‘It would have been your dad’s seventy-sixth birthday. It’s twenty-five years since they went missing, but feels like forever.’

Barry put his arm around his mum and pulled her towards him.

‘I know, Mum. I think about them all the time.’

‘The first time I laid eyes on your father it was love at first sight. I’d never even met a Japanese person before but I knew I had to be with him.’

‘Why did Dad come to England?’

‘He said he was sightseeing.’

‘How come he was in Portslade then?’

The police investigation into the disappearance of Mindy and Yamochi Harris found a picture of a Japanese glamour model amongst his possessions. The police believed the most likely scenario was that he had eloped with her and taken his daughter with him. The case was closed but something never sat right about it for Barry. Even the most plausible and rational of explanations can turn out to be wrong. Secretly, part of Barry blamed himself for his dad’s disappearance. He felt there must be something wrong with him that had caused his dad to leave.

Barry always tried his best, but he did not really have the emotional resilience to cope with being around his mum when she was in one of her moods. He feared they might be contagious in some way, and that he might catch some kind of an emotional or mental meltdown. This was one of the reasons he spent his weekends up at his allotment. It was the only time he felt free, undisturbed by the pressures of everyday life, unaffected by the stupidity of other human beings.

Barry had had quite a difficult relationship with his sister Mindy when they were growing up. As the self-proclaimed black sheep of the family, she had left home at sixteen in a fit of dramatic hormonal rage. To announce her newfound independence she had the words “Born Free” tattooed on her neck. Her dream was to start a death metal band and tour the world. She was always highly critical of the fact that Barry had been a loner, and would often pretend they weren’t related if they were seen in public together. This had confused and upset Barry deeply for years. He did, however, take some solace from the fact that she had never got a band together, and ended up on the checkout at Pound-Universe, selling cheap novelty crap to apathetic teenagers.

Yamochi began teaching Barry the sacred art of ninjutsu on his sixth birthday. At the time, Barry thought this was because he was being bullied at school, but his father would always tell him he had a much higher purpose in life that one day he would come to realise.

From that moment on, Barry had tried to model himself on the archetype of an elite ninja warrior. Mysterious, sleek, dressed in a black kimono, gracefully moving in the shadows, like a cat waiting to pounce.

There were, however, a few minor physical incongruities that Barry had to work with. For example, Barry’s left leg was one inch shorter than his right. When he was having a good day he liked to joke that if he didn’t lean at a twenty-three degree angle to his right, he would be walking in circles. It was not a very good joke and he didn’t tell it very often. He managed to address this height discrepancy with a robust pair of custom-made Cuban-heeled boots. There was also the fact that Barry weighed sixteen stone. Apart from these very minor details, Barry was the absolute doppelganger of a badass ninja.

One of the benefits of living above a hairdresser’s was that you got twenty percent off on Wednesday mornings before eleven.

‘Why don’t you get a long plaited ponytail extension like they have in the martial arts films, Barry?’ Robbie’s eyes sparkled with creativity.

‘I haven’t got enough hair for that, have I?’

‘Don’t you worry about that. They don’t call me the wizard for nothing. I’ll weave it into your squirrel and do a bit of backcombing. It will look totally natural.’

‘Cool.’ Barry sat back, picturing the transformation about to unfold.

Robbie scratched his flaky chin through his wiry goatee beard and bent down to whisper in Barry’s ear. ‘Here, you know your mum’s mate Merril? She came over last night. We were going at it till four. I could hardly get out of bed this morning.’

‘She’s eighty-four, you animal!’

‘Easy, tiger. I don’t dig the numbers game. I can’t help it if a purple rinse drives me wild. Doing the job I do doesn’t help. I’m in hog heaven.’

Barry’s best and only friend was a man called Tom Carter, a retired Australian gentleman who had a big cosy ginger beard and demonic halitosis. Barry had met him at the annual Ninja Film Festival in 1994. They could spend hours waxing lyrical on every aspect of ninjutsu. I say ‘could’ as Barry had to virtually hold his breath to have a conversation with him. On this occasion, they had met up to see Ninja Hell Inferno Apocalypse 4 and had ended up down the pub afterwards for some crucial post-flick analysis.

Tom sat down and put his pint of cider in front of him. ‘I can’t believe there were only three other people in there tonight. I think most people are scared of seeing ninja unleashing their raw power like that.’

‘Too right,’ said Barry. ‘My dad told me what the big ninja battles used to be like and it was just like in that movie. No other martial art comes close to ninjutsu — it blows them all out of the water.’

‘I hear what you’re saying but some of the other martial arts can be tasty too. What about kickboxing? That can be deadly. What would you do if two guys trained in that came running at you?’

‘Easy. I’d jump up, and hang in mid air in the praying mantis pose so they couldn’t kick me. When they got close enough I’d kick them in the teeth.’

‘Sounds like something out of The Matrix.’ Tom supped on his cider. ‘What about if three guys trained in kung fu came at you with axes and whip chains?’

‘No bother, I’d take two out straight away with ninja stars between the eyes. Then I’d read the mind of the last one and work out exactly what he was going to do and prevent every move he came up with. After a while, he would work out I was psychic, shit himself, and run away.’

‘Okay, right… So what if ten guys trained in jujitsu with swords and axes trapped you in a lift?’

‘Piece of piss. I’d turn myself invisible, kneel on the floor and let them slice each other to bits. When they were all dead, I’d stand up, wipe all the body parts off me, and then press the button for the floor I wanted.’

‘You’ve got it worked out then. It’s a shame that all the ninjas were wiped out by the samurai isn’t it,’ replied Tom, opening a packet of cheese Wotsits.

‘Allegedly, but how does anyone really know? The very hallmark of a ninja is invisibility. They are off-grid stealth warriors dancing in and out of the shadows, teaching their skills to the chosen few. Like my dad teaching me, for instance.’

‘But how do you know he definitely knew the ninja arts — he could have just learned it from a book?’

‘No way, he was the real deal. Authenticity is not something you can pretend to have.’

Tom looked deeply into his pint of cider, as if trying to get his head around what that was supposed to mean.

‘Some of his skills were incredible. He told me he could see into the past and future, and even change the shape of reality itself if he wanted to.’

‘But you’re not really a ninja, are you?’ Tom leant in close to Barry to make eye contact, in a bid for an honest response.

‘Of course I am. My dad trained me for years.’ Barry slowly recoiled as his eyes started watering.

‘Can you shape change?’

‘I haven’t tried yet.’

‘Can you read minds then?’

‘I’m still working on that.’ Barry fiddled with his ponytail. ‘I’ve been meditating more lately though so I think I’ll get there soon.’

‘Can you make yourself invisible?’

‘All right, smart arse. Being a ninja isn’t all like it is in the movies you know.’

‘You just said it was!’

Copyright © 2017 Nicky Blue. All rights reserved.

 

THANK YOU for reading my taster! If you would like to buy the full book it is available on  Amazon

 

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Melon Head

I turned on the radio and Elvis was playing ‘Lonely This Christmas’. I found myself in tears, I’m not sure why. It’s never been so good, my eyes are open at last. Frank has left… but we all knew that was going to happen. He was just another automaton hiding from reality.

The men have been to my front door again. Government spies no doubt. I sometimes wish I could have had an easier calling, but most people go their whole lives without any meaning. I’m lucky.

While the inhabitants of this planet stare vacantly at their social media. I have stood up and acted… I am going to make a difference.

I couldn’t have done it without your help of course.

I’m going to carry out phase one tonight.

I wish you would let me know you are getting these messages, I built the radar to your exact specifications.

Till we meet,

Love Melon Head.

 

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